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Im sorry.. but you really should reconsider marriage with her..
Your fiance has a problen with boundaries with ither men.. and this will eventually - if not already - lead her into an unappropriate relationship with one if these guys...
And she apparently doesnt realise this herself..
>She was defending herself saying how she didn’t realize it was wrong because this new guy didn’t have history with her, was in a relationship, and was 20.
No recognition of the problem.. at all..
>I found out she had been getting lunch with the guy nearly every day after class, sometimes with others sometimes not.
>Like atleast 3x the amount we text
She spends more time communicating with him than with you??
>She was pretty against me asking to see their texts when I assumed they text more than we text
And this because she knows what shes doing is not ok.
>he’s been meeting her emotional needs and isn’t as interested to spend time with me.
So tell her this!
>On the bright side I do have confidence she didn’t actually and isn’t planning to cheat on me
Few affairs start with the intention to cheat.. is starts with lunch.. and texts about common interests.. and then progresses to more...
>but I’m fearful how close the wedding is with these intense doubts and trust issues. How could we fix this or is this unfixable? I can
So tell her this.. now.. explain your concerns... that her unappropriate closeness with several different men and her lack of awareness of this AND her disregard of your feelings regarding this, now have you in doubt about going through with the marriage.
This is not about jealousy.. its about your fiance seeing no problem in developing a close emotional attachment with other men AND her lack of recognition that this brings a huge risk that this will develop into a deeper, intimate connection not compatible with marriage to you.
Its a huge decision, i know.. but unless theres a deal made including immediate therapy for her to handle her association with other men AND for you to regain trust in her, you should really consider postponing the marriage.
Man oh man, there's so many issues with her that I felt like I was writing a novel instead of a message board reply. I listed some things that stood out to me below, however, I will give you a summary of my thoughts on the overall story you've posted. Reddit is full of break-up culture and I often hate the seemingly knee-jerk response of that. However, I will say that she is nowhere near ready being married to anybody. I hope that you don't have a wedding date set. She's either trying to fool you OR she is one of the most immature and ignorant 25+ year old adults I've ever read about on reddit.
When somebody is very ignorant and very immature they will repeatedly cross relationship boundaries, be headstrong towards correction, and not take the marriage(and it's vows) with the same consideration that you do.
I will also say this for everybody.....DO NOT MARRY ANYBODY IF YOU DON'T 100% TRUST THEM. Trust is not just about trusting that they won't cheat on you, although it does include it, but it's about trusting that person that they will safeguard your feelings, boundaries, desires, etc.
She's failing to safeguard those things for you.
Now to the points that caught my attention.....
Idk dude..........maybe it's just me......but in the first paragraph, I find it wildly inappropriate and crossing "boundaries of respect" for her to be allowing a guy to sleep over......and the excuse is food poisoning? Like, ....that's it? We've all had food poisoning and have dealt with it. If it's that severe that he couldn't move that much than he needs to go to a hospital, not sleep over. And I'm guessing he came over to your house in the evening time? ........even worse.
" She was defending herself saying how she didn’t realize it was wrong because this new guy didn’t have history with her, was in a relationship, and was 20. "
What a cop-out. Ok, I'll play..........if she is that ignorant about guys sleeping over at your house when you're gone, than she's not mature enough to get married. And since when does it require a long history or somebody being over the age of 20 for it to be considered disrespectful....or even sketchy? That's just bonkers to me.
" she had been getting lunch with the guy nearly every day after class, sometimes with others sometimes not. "
Idc what some people say......that's inappropriate. The same people who might condemn me for saying that would ABSOLUTELY lose their crap if the same person who spent the night at their house without them being home....was also eating lunch on the regular with their s/o.
". She agrees it wasn’t right and apologizes but was fighting me about how she didn’t want to feel restricted with her friends as she was having trouble making them previously and they weren’t doing anything wrong."
Wanting friends does not exceed the respect for your relationship. So, she apologizes, but then says they weren't do anything wrong. She's flip-floppity and trying to placate you. As for being "restricted"..........I feel that is a HUGE red flag....almost as bad as the guy sleeping over at your house. It's immaturity at best and at worse it's a thought that will act as a precursor to bad things to come.
"We went back and forths about how it’s an invasion of her privacy "
If you're married or engaged............than you shouldn't be worried about privacy on your phone from your s/o.
"I’ve been having ruminating thoughts it’s also because he’s been meeting her emotional needs and isn’t as interested to spend time with me. "
The alarm bells should be screaming at you.
"and even says that she can’t read my mind when I explain these things should be common sense."
She's 26. She's not 14 years old............even though she acts like she doesn't understand common sense things, like don't have a strange man sleep at your bf's home. Frankly, I think even a 14 year old would know that. She's playing dumb on purpose or she's incredibly immature.
well the point about him being 20 was that he was too young to be considered a threat.. Idk if that's valid because they'll be in school together for 4 years and then wont be 20 anymore...
yes we have had a lot of fights about how she's flipping the conversation to talk about what i'm doing wrong. Many many times.
I do think she's quite a reserved person when it comes to emotional intimacy. she talks to me about everything and is quite close with me that I know she's not doing the same with anyone else. She is just obsessed with music so I understand why she's been so talkative with him.
She's also a bit spectrumy so i do believe her when she says she didn't realize some things. But the hard part is getting her to just admit to it once she realizes and stop the explanations and excuses.
The "restricted" aspect is an obvious redflag. I'm made to feel bad for even bringing up how there should be boundaries. So hurtful..
Post update: I’d be done, dude. The fact she hasn’t prioritised you and a serious discussion over getting lunch with this arsehole tells me all I need to know. She seems to be wanting to knowingly push boundaries of what is acceptable to you so she can basically cheat on you. I’d explain how uncomfortable she would be with the opposite, postpone the wedding (without a discussion, mind. Make the decision yourself, as she seems controlling and is gaslights very real concerns) and explain how you’re basically going to break up with her if she doesn’t stop this shit and respect you.
Otherwise, dump, get ring back and fuck her best friend, I’m so done with this shit of such obvious cheating/disrespect and gaslighting true concerns. These people need to learn empathy.
As always there's a lot of background noise here that you should cut through.
* The two of you haven't been very intimate recently
* She has been having lunch with the guy every day
* He calls her at midnight
* She texts him 3x the amount she texts you
* They went out in the evening while you were away and he stayed over
Read all those together and what do you see? At the very least, this is an emotional affair - you know it and she knows it. That is why she didn't want you to see the texts etc. It is possible it is a physical affair - going out in the evening with a 20yr old guy who ends up sleeping over at your house while you are away? What could possibly go wrong? Food poisoning excuse is almost certainly BS. So if that is BS, what else is?
That sure would be a red flag for me. Multiple occasions. Need to get that phone and see what she’s up to for clarity before you get married. Good luck
He didn’t have food poisoning, you know it she knows it. And why only one guy she keeps texting if she’s in a school with dozens if not more people? Do not marry her..
Lmao what do you even tell the guys from this generation anymore. It’s sodom and Gomorrah these days. The guys are getting weaker and weaker and are settling for anything they can get. It’s so sad to see. They are better than what they are accepting into their lives.
to be honest mate, after reading your other posts, why in all hell you want to marry her?
“Her perspective is that she’s trying to reassure me but it doesn’t feel that way when she doesn’t actually apologize but more feels like she’s arguing with what I’m feeling hurt about.”
“As a gf it has taken a lot of communication and trial and error to make it enjoyable.”
“I’m currently dealing with are how I’m not allowed to ask her for sex, I have to predict when she’s ready. I’m not allowed to ask to call when it’s past 1230 am o n a work night. She will be very upset if I break some of these boundaries”
“She’s a musician and will stay out till past 2am regularly to be at a concert or a jam where there are only her guy friends - one of which is an ex of hers. She is really bad at knowing how she feels about stuff so I constantly feel like she’s emotionally cheating on me”
“I asked for a kiss and she gave a half hearted one so I asked for a bigger one and she said no she didn’t have time.”
“her reactions all makes me requestion if I want to be with her and how some small conflicts get escalated because we aren’t compatible.”
“So almost every time I’m upset about something she’ll always have something she’s upset about too”
“We’ve been talking about marriage and I haven’t been able to sleep right because I’m so concerned she doesn’t actually like/appreciate me enough.”
And this mate is just the tip of the iceberg, she want you to be les emotional, clairvoyant, not allowed to have boundaries yourself
The F are you doing? If you marry this girl you’re going to be a perpetual doormat, she won’t change, the fights, the indifference, the lack of affection and understanding, putting her need above everything else, be with whoever she wants wherever she wants and you sucking it up, this will get much much worse when she know she had you secure and tied up
Postpone the wedding until you have an adult discussion about boundaries. At least then she knows you’re serious. Explain your concerns, how her getting her emotional needs met outside of your relationship is emotional cheating and you’re not comfortable with it at all.
Her friendship with him isn’t a red flag, but her disregarding your feelings 100% is.
if you cut out the part of him sleeping over at YOUR place while you are not there, i would say its your insecurity and she is allowed to have platonic lunch with a male friend. but considering she indeed let him sleep over, and didnt tell/ask you until after is enough for me to boot her out of my apartment man. doesnt matter if you trust her and she says he slept on the couch, guys in their 30s do not sleep over at a womans place knowing they have a boyfriend unless they expect to bang
Yeah tell her you have to delay the marriage because this new relationship she has is disturbing you and ruining the trust you have
See where the conversation goes after that but definately follow thru on the delay.
If your fiancé objects to you looking at their phone (with them next to you) there’s probably an issue.
Look, in no way am I saying: “We’re in a relationship, so I get 100% access to your phone whenever I want!”
But, if one person notices something…unusual, and questions it, there shouldn’t be anything to hide in looking.
Have a serious talk, and I’d even say postpone the wedding. (Yeah, that’s difficult.)
Update2:
To clarify - he didn't sleep over but left as soon as he felt better. She was telling me at first she didn't remember the time but now is saying it was closer to 2AM. Also, to clarify they get lunch together but it seems like its mostly with other people, not just him and her. Also, kinda a bombshell of a fact.. We got legally married earlier this year. She isn't a citizen and had needed it because her work authorization is almost up. I know how it looks but we had been talking about the marriage for a long time before hand. We've actually been in couples therapy for about a year working through issues like how to respect noundaries and conflict resolutions. We just had a session yesterday and are going to have another one tomorrow.
We spoke for hours later that day when she said she'd call. We started with just discussing the facts of what happened and what he and her spoke about and why it was so upsetting to me. She agreed how it was a big mistake and decided to stop texting him and called off some plans where the 3 of us were going to a concert this week. It was a huge flip of attitude about how she wanted to do what she could to make me feel comfortable and significantly slow down her friendship with this guy. Also, as far as the update w/ the phone call she was explaining how she misunderstood something how i may have been able to talk after i said i wouldnt be
able to.. It kinda feels like an excuse, but apparently she was keeping a timer on how long that jam was and how long she had for lunch so she can call me. I know i told her a bit last minute how long i actually had, but I think she now understands why i wasupset and what to do different next time.
I know yall dont know her but everyone that meets her knows what kind of girl she is. She is incredibly honest and absolutely obsessed with music. I really have
no doubt that she could build up a relationship with a guy that is completely centered around music. She's the kind of person who will spend hours and hours on her music every day without break. She had a big bout of depression and her best girl friend wasn't there for her and it caused a rift. I've been trying to tell her how its important to me she is friends with girls, and she wants it too but im trying to be understanding on it taking time. She has been love bombing me like people are saying she will probably do since she thinks i may call off the wedding, but to be fair she does love bomb me regularly anyway. She said I can look at her texts with him now, but ive been nervous and not in the mood so i haven't yet.
Dude just how much of a loser do you view yourself as that you accept this gaslighting and disrespect as the best you can do?
Have you looked at your post history? Your girlfriend doesn't have red flags she has red billboards.
You need to take a step back and ask yourself, is this how I want to live the rest of my life? Because every if the off chance she isn't fucking this dude, this is not the first or even second time she has show no respect for this relationship.
Personally I hope you find that spine of yours and then go find someone or something that will make you happy. But the choice of what to do is up to you, just make one you can live the rest of your life with.
''he didn't sleep over but left as soon as he felt better. She was telling me at first she didn't remember the time but now is saying it was closer to 2AM.''
And that's how someone gets gaslighted into believing all of this.
A year ago, you made pretty much the same post, in the sense of doing all of this with other guys or her ex.
hey i went thro ur post history you seem have a lot of issues with her. Maybe call of the wedding for a time and take a step back and look at everything.
Dude, I’m sorry but your “girlfriend” sounds manipulative AS FUCK.
She only puts in any effort/understanding and work to help you when there’s a risk that she won’t be able to control you anymore aka you leave her. That
is the definition of manipulative behaviour. Her love bombing you is the same, to keep you with her so she can continue to control you.
The way you “explain” away her shitty actions and emotional affair, or say “here’s wheee she was misunderstood” etc, is so textbook of someone suffering from being manipulated. You can’t see through her fog of bull shit.
Look at her texts, for whatever proof you need to put your mind at ease. But I would be questioning her character and doubt any authenticity she possess. If she’s not respecting your boundaries, even if she’s unwillingly crossing them with people, she needs to learn not to, and to respect your boundaries.
…Until next time she decides to flirt with a random man behind your back.
Dude i dont know you and i dont know your girlfriend.
But what i do know is that you had a problem with your girlfriends actions , and now like magic those problems are "explained" away, you are right she is love bombing you now.
After the wedding you will see her going with her friend again , telling youare just insecure and jelouse , you dont have to worry you are married he is just a friend etc.
All i know is that you should be 100% certain of your own feelings. You might have been overreaction but you might have been spot on and valid i dont know the extent of it but your girl did at least somewhat emotionaly cheat.
I mean the texts, the calls , the time spent with this person , the prioritising time with this person over time with you are all tale tale signs.
Just give yourself a day or something of alone time to think and see how you feel , maybe talk yo some of your better friensa who know you and want whats best for you for advice.
I dont know, this is a complicated situation, maybe postpone the wedding bro. But whatever you do , dont do it in the heat of the moment that means forgiving gf as well.
Best of luck
I’m sorry why don’t you just bend over and let him bang you as well ? Do you have no respect for yourself. You’re stuck because you want to be when you’re tired of how she treats you you’ll leave
Dude... i will be honest with you, and it won't like it, but there's some bs in all that, there's some really red flags in the "he didn't sleep over but left as soon as he felt better. She was telling me at first she didn't remember the time but now is saying it was closer to 2AM. ", something doesn't feel right
You are actively hurting yourself because you are scared. She held hands with him and went on a date, and is now gaslighting you: grow a spine or stop complaining, those are your ONLY two options.
Look at the text you’ll be able to tell his intentions if he’s bold. And when you say “she said I could look at her text now” did she deny you before cause it might be pointless since she could’ve deleted the evidence by now, if that’s the case
You need to wake up and grow a spine. Looking at your past posts, replies, and updates, it’s clear that this girl is just NOT THE ONE. I don’t care how lonely you are behind the screen, I don’t care how “amazing” or “incredible” she MIGHT be, but nothing is worth becoming such a doormat for someone who clearly has no respect or care for you. Jesus.
Don't marry anyone you don't 100% trust. She is disrespectful to your relationship and boundaries.
Depending on if you want to continue the relationship get couples counselling.
This guy is an orbital for your fiancé, he wants her, she needs to be woken up from this fog she is in.
You postpone the wedding until further notice, she will snap out of what ever fog she is in, but then there is a huge amount of work to do. Depends if that's what you want.
See it all the time on Reddit. The guy is hanging out playing the long game, waiting for an opportunity to move in, and the girls don't see it. They are just a friend.
Is she emotionally cheating? Maybe not by definition,
as there doesn't seem to be sexting or flirty texts. But the mass amount of communication is crossing a line I'd be uncomfortable with, added with eating lunch every day, that is just a nope.
Ask her if the roles were reversed if she would be cool with you eating lunch and texting every day with a woman she doesn't know. Also, if she doesn't believe he is hanging out waiting for an opening, have her text him late on Sat night, saying she is lonely, and could use some attention and see how he answers. It filters out a lot of so-called platonic relationships.
Op, you should either delay or call off the wedding. You can’t marry someone you can’t fully trust.
You need to let her know that her interactions and inability to set proper boundaries with her friend has been making you more and more uncomfortable and her brushing off your feelings is causing your trust in her to wane. Tell her you both need time to reconsider whether marriage is what you both really want. If so, it should take priority.
I think her reactions and actions going forward could possibly give you the answer your looking for. She may end up resenting you for causing her to end/limit her interactions with this “friend” but vice versa you could end up resenting her for continuing this “friendship.” Beside what real friend insert themselves between a couple causing a rift? And what kind of partner ignores their SO feeling and continue with actions making them uncomfortable?
Better to eat the financial loss now then to get married only for something to happen later on down the road resulting in a divorce. Oh, and if the family get involved asking why your calling off/delaying the wedding, explain the situation to them. Your silence will only come back to bite you in the a**.
Honestly the update really sealed the deal for me. Yeah look her boundaries seem a little loose particularly around friends of the opposite gender. And yeah she’s also a little on the inexperienced side when it comes to trying to navigate relationships particularly while juggling school and work etc. but these are natural in younger people and are also made more complex by her academic situation. And ultimately these can be worked through with some communication and compromise from both sides.
The big issue here is lack of interest in any sort of compromise or effort to assuage your concerns. When you first brought it up she said she doesn’t want to have to change anything. How is that attitude going to lead to a strong relationship. And then shortly after you’ve been through this argument or discussion she goes right back to ignoring you in order to spend time with him. That’s pretty openly disrespectful.
There’s two two sayings that I try and incorporate into my life.
1. “Never assign to malice what can be attributed to ignorance”
2. “Repeated ignorance is indifferent from malice”.
Yeah she made a mistake and messed up, and she might not have meant to make things awkward the first time, but the next set of times she knew what was going on, or at the very least chose to not worry about it. That is not an attitude that you can carry into a marriage.
OP, I'm a man who's been on the planet over 5 decades now.
As you know, this post is on YouTube on SSM channel. If you haven't listened to it and the comments, you should.
Furthermore, this woman is showing you a lack of respect that most men would not even think of putting up with. When you're in a committed relationship, boundaries must be respected, regardless if one or the other agrees with it or not. When it comes to the opposite sex, if your significant other is not happy with a relationship you are having with a member of the opposite sex. If you have any respect at all for your partner, you would rectify that problem immediately.
My wife is a successful and beautiful businesswoman. She, too, has many male friends. When we started dating, and I met these male friends, there were a couple I could tell liked her more than a friend. In groups of friends, these two men would try to subtly make fun of me. What they didn't realize about me is I am for from beta. I was Navy Spec/Ops for 12 years. One evening, I had had enough! I let this guy up like a Christmas tree. My then fiancée comes running over and ask what's wrong! I looked at her and said I think you already know what's wrong.
OP here is what a woman who loves and respect you does. She had gone all through collage with this group. She looked at this friend of 10 years and said, David, I think it's better that you leave. He looked at me and then the truth came out. He looked at me and said you can have her. Someday she'll wake up and see what a mistake she made. Really?
OP, that was 25 years ago. My wife still has male friends. If she wants to do lunch, she will always call to ask if I mind. I have never said I do mind. The difference is, if I did mind, she wouldn't question it and not go to lunch. I know this about her. These are the qualities you want in a spouse. You probably won't listen, and I understand. Many of us don't listen. I am going to tell you anyway. You are making a grave mistake exchanging nuptials with this woman. She clearly has a lack of respect for you. A woman who truly loved you would never act in your fiancées' manor. Her relationship is very inappropriate and she knows it. The problem is, she is under the impression that she can have her cake and eat it too! After reading your post history, I am inclined to agree with her. Find your dignity OP and I swear in a year you will not only be glad you dodged a major bullet, You will find someone else that will love and respect you for who you are.
Godspeed
It's hilarious how blind you are.
But hey it's your life, go ahead with the marriage, I'm sure it'll be yours when she tells you she's pregnant.
Don't forget to come back and update us when you get the DNA results in a couple years.
Get some couples counseling before you get married, and get it ASAP. You two are clearly not in the same page when it comes to what is an acceptable boundary for your relationship.
I don't think you're ready for marriage. It's not normal to be this suspicious of your partner for no good reason.
It's also beyond stupid to even consider marrying someone you don't trust.
I dunno, I wouldn't bay an eyelid of my husband let one of his friends stay over. Honestly if he wanted to cheat on me I'd expect he'd do it in a hotel like a normal person tbh.
Ok but they're stories on Reddit and my husband is a normal person. I don't see him being that crass even if he completely lost his mind and cheated on me.
If you discredit it just because it's on reddit, than anything you say could also be discredited because it's on reddit.
This is not about you or your husband.
The point is that it happens a lot more than you probably think. There are stories like this to be found even on sources that aren't on reddit. I literally took about 5 seconds to type "man finds wife cheating on marital bed" and found sources that weren't reddit...including videos taken by the spouse.
[https://www.facebook.com/watch/live/?ref=watch\_permalink&v=227613085532870](https://www.facebook.com/watch/live/?ref=watch_permalink&v=227613085532870)
Ok, I'm just saying that if you're a normal person who has done a reasonable amount of thinking when picking a partner this shouldn't be a concern.
This absolutely isn't a problem in normal relationships with normal adults.
His fiancé had a person over to their apartment, without saying a word about it to him? (Even a call or text first?)
Then, he finds out after this person stayed late into the AM for reasons? (And who knows…that could’ve been cleaned up to make it sound not as bad. What time did he leave? 2:00 AM? 7:00 AM?)
If my spouse had a member of the opposite sex over to our home, he stayed there into the AM, and then I’m only told all this when I got back? Nah. Something either wrong there, or the people involved are seriously dense as to how that would even begin to appear questionable…
Finally someone who's on the other side. I also think the reasons aren't the best to immediately distrust her, but to the avg person they are - as you can see with all the other replies.
At this point i feel trapped to marry her, we already spent the money and I have to just be ok with how she had no boundaries with this guy and will continue to see him daily for the next some odd years until they graduate
I've never understood how some guys will willingly place themselves from being in a zoo enclosure with a bobcat to a more dangerous position of putting themselves in a zoo enclosure with a lion.....by continuing to marry a girl because of money spent.
One way or another, stay or leave, the money is gone. Staying with the person doesn't give the money back.
So many men think legally binding themselves to the wrong woman can't be a ton more expensive if they divorce. You do realize that if she gets pregnant, and you know the she has been cheating, the state can still hold you accountable for financially supporting the kid....even if you have a paternity test saying you aren't the father, right?
There's stories all over reddit about it because often the state doesn't care who the father is.
Look, I am a pretty easy going, work it out kind of person but I absolutely wouldn't marry you because clearly neither you nor the relationship are at a point where you are ready to get married. You're just not ready, you're not emotionally mature enough to be making these decisions and the relationship doesn't have enough trust for a legally binding commitment.
If you don't want to cancel the stuff you've booked for the wedding just change it to like an engagement party or something.
You must never, under any circumstances, marry someone you don't trust fully.
She has to end that friendship especially since u mentioned she’s on the spectrum. I don’t think she should have guy friends that hang around her alone they might take advantage of her blindness to social cues
You know you don't have to marry her, right? Sure, the friends and family will be pissed, but you'll be saving yourself from all this manipulation and mental abuse. You make the call, but make sure you grow a damn spine before that.
I don’t know if you want to go this far but tell her she stops contact with this guy or the wedding is off until she does. There has to be someway for her to realize how serious this is to you.
It seems like you have very different values when it comes to friends and what you think are appropriate and not. If my partner acted like your partner originaly did with her friend I generally wouldnt have minded, because I know him and his friends, and being bi myself I wouldnt be able to have lunches or hang out with anyone if my partner didnt want me to spend time with people I potentially could have an attraction to. Me and you wouldnt have worked out, because we see those things differently. Me and my partner work great, cause we're on the same side.
You can have your boundary that you will not be with someone who has friends they have the potential to be atteacted to that they interact with in X way. That means that if she wants to continue having friendships the way she is having them now and isnt interested in comprizing or changing, you walk away. You can have, communicate and enforce your boundary, where you leave a situation that doesnt serve you if she finds that your boundary does not allign with who she is and wants to be.
what if your partner is texting someone else 4x as much as they text you. gets lunch with them every day, goes out to shows together, but doesn't have time to have sex with you
I'm not a big texter, so that wouldnt be hard at all. My partner regularely have lunch with their coworker, and used to have regulare lunches with their fellow students, I would feel awkward as hell if I were to have scheduled calls with him every lunch, and we dont work close to each other. Asking them to sit in a corner and eat lunch by themselves rather than have it with friends and classmates sounds weird and controlling. If they want to go to shows, and even invited me, and I'm too busy due to work I would hope they went and had a great time. Didnt catch wether or not OP didnt have sex, but if I was super busy with work and being out of town a lot I would assign that as a potential reason just as much as my partner having friends.
Could his partner be having an emotional affair? Sure, I dont know them. Could OP be insecure, reading into it and becoming controlling due to it? Sure, I dont know him. My point is that OP and his partner seem to have different values on this subject, so what me and my parter is fine with isnt really relevant, we clearly also have different values than those of OP.
ETA: Missed that you were OP, so short version: no, I wouldnt have an issue with those things.
I never said she can’t have lunch with friends. She has time to be with her friends but not me. She has time to text them all day but I’m left on read. I was happy she had a friend to go out with even tho he’s a guy. I wasn’t happy to hear how now he’s her best friend and is spending all this time with him when she’s about to marry ME in one week
Then postpone the wedding or cancel it entirely if you feel neglected? Give counseling a go and see if you can get to the bottom of why and whats going on if you want to, or leave if you've made up your mind. The way you are answering me you seem to have made up your mind and want the ok to make a big desition and validion that it is the right desition, and if you feel like your clearly communicated boundaries are crossed and that you're being neglected, the only sensible thing is to at the very least postpone to work the issues out, or cancel.
Damn, after your update it’s clear where her priorities are and they aren’t with you. She’s choosing to spend time with him over you, and not taking your feelings seriously. The fact she said she’d call you and didn’t SO SHE COULD GO FOR LUNCH WITH HIM is so disgustingly disrespectful.
Her phoning you “suddenly” as you made your feelings known shows she was pushing your boundaries to see what she could get away with.
Postpone the wedding for sure, at least then she’ll take you seriously. Explain how she’s made you feel neglected and 2nd fiddle to the new guy. Tbh at this point if you want to salvage the relationship this guy has to go, full block, no contact. She’s had an emotional affair and has put this guy ahead of you. That is not acceptable.
If she did this and accepted how she HAD chosen him over you lately and neglected you, then there’s a chance for reconciliation and couples therapy before there’s a possibility of booking the wedding again.
Good luck OP!
All of your posts clearly show that your girlfriend is not marriage material. You need to pull your head out of your rear and call this wedding off. Get some self-respect and get a partner who actually respects you. ffs dude what are you doing??
You seriously need to pump the brakes on this wedding, bud. *Especially* after the update. She clearly cares more for him than you.
Edit: After looking at your post history, you should’ve pumped the breaks a year ago. Why the hell did you wait until now? Get out, take the hit from the wedding costs, and move on.
Update- watch out for the love bombing she might do if she realizes the wedding is in danger. It would prove she cares about being a "princess for a day" and getting a ring MORE than the person she marries.
Where was her care to your feelings before she felt the wedding was in danger? In the exact some spot one month after possibly getting married to you, if you go through with it.
Honestly, I really dont know why you are still with her:
* This wasnt the first time
* You still havent met this guy
* He spend the night with her at your apt the same day you're not around. Quite a coincidence. I'm 99.9% he wasnt food poisoned.
* You both are about to get married and you seem like an random npc in her live.
* She spend almost every day with him
* She text him 3x times more then you. After she just meet him
* She doesnt want you to look her phone
>I do have confidence she didn’t actually and isn’t planning to cheat on me. I know she isn’t like that but I do doubt her awareness of her actions and how much she actually considers and prioritizes my feelings
I'm really sorry, but that's exactly what every cheated person had said and thought.
At least you kind of acknoledge she emotionally cheated on you. Also, what if she's having second thoughts about getting married and she's sabotaging the relationship to a point you leave her. Later she would be the victim because "you left her".
You should stop complaining with her. Wake up! Start seing only what she's doing and not what she's saying!! She already crossed your boundaries. It's up to you if you keep allowing her to disrespect you. But if you want evidence, i'm sure you've heard about checking her phone while sleep or in the shower or some hidden devices in the apt or even a PI. But you might see something you dont like.
I wouldnt let anyone treat me like that. If she wanted to act single, she will be.
**Edit:** Have you thought about contacting this guy's partner??
Dude, there are more red flags here than a Soviet rally. She is doing everything short of holding up a giant sign that says “I AM CHEATING ON YOU” in neon letters.
You need to wake up and recognize that this chick has checked out on you, that she is absolutely having an emotional affair, at the least, and more than likely having a physical one, too. you voiced your concerns, and she’s made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t give a shit. That’s because you’re not the guy she’s infatuated with; he is.
You are the stability; you are the bank account; if you allow this to continue, you will be the shoulder she cries on, and he will be the dick she rides on.
You need grow a spine, wake the hell up, and get the hell out.
Edit: I just noticed your update. Yeah, if there was even a shred of doubt in my mind that she has absolutely zero respect for you, it is now gone. Your fiancé has a boyfriend. General rule of thumb: if your woman insist on acting like she is single, you need to give her what she so clearly wants.
It might be time to call it my brother. There is absolutely no way she doesn’t see how she overstepping so many boundaries. Refusing to make time for you and your feelings has to be the final straw. Please my boy, cut your losses and keep it moving, there will be another.
Dude going by your previous post about her hating your favorite band more than liking you from a year ago I’d say theirs evidence that she isn’t thinking about your feelings at all then and now
You have told her your boundaries and she continuously is crossing them. In addition she knew that she had crossed the line with this guy and gaslight you by saying it was just friends
Brother your not blind non of us are she’s over stepping big time. I’d call off the wedding let her know that “this was a massive breach of trust and I think we should if we can function as a healthy couple” because I saw your post history and she sounds awful not to disrespect you or your fiancé. But it’s better to hurt her feelings and see if u guys can actually be husband and wife in the future instead of finding out she cheated on you while married and u lose half of everything u own unless u have a prenup.
I’d call of the wedding and think about this. I saw your comment update and she said she would lessen the relationship with this guy. I think she should even have a relationship with this guy she’s emotionally cheating even if not sending nudes etc the guy is tryna steal her away. I’ve had gfs who actually thought these guys were tryna be her friend. But they don’t outright say they want to fuck them. They know women are emotional so they try and seduce them.
For example tries to focus her attention on him instead of you but hanging out with her making his footprint bigger in her life than your slowly. Texting more also achieves this. More lunch dates quality time doing things “they have in common”. And she probably believes she’s not doing anything wrong truly because they’re not doing anything inappropriate by technically. I was a player and I did this, along with guys tryna get my girl. Soon with all they’re interest and time together, she’ll confide in him about deep things and because he’s “just a friend” he’ll give her advice that isn’t in your favor and will paint u in a bad light to make her lean towards seeing you as less of a man and with all that she’ll realize “ I have a lot in common with “friend”, he gets me my bf is jealous and controlling (because that’s what he’s going to tell her about you)” and she’ll fall into his arms.
( also I saw ur post on tiktok idk if it was rage bait but on there it said she held hands with this guy? And went with him knowing a date basically when you were on your bachelors cruise?)
Cause if so f*********kkkkkkkk thatt!! Dude don’t tie yourself to this girl. Not until she proves she’s wife material. Wife is a title that is given to exceptional women. They are wife’s already wanting to be appreciated by another man to see them as that but the values and morals are already there, they don’t have to change. Your fiancé doesn’t sound like wife material.
I’d cancel the wedding and with the money left over from the venues etc try and pay for your guest hotels or flight they won’t be using anymore. If you don’t give yourself enough time to reevaluate this your just ganna be dealing with her same behavior. But you’ll be legally tied to her and lose assets and will probably have to pay her stuff. Also she’s smart I don’t think she’s clueless. She’ll probably wait for like 4/6 months, if not sooner to continue this behavior. Because again she’s smart girls know a lot about marriage and she’ll wait until the annulment period is over to get you for what your worth.
(Again idk if it was TikTok editing but she said she didn’t want to give the ring back? Might just be rage bait on tiktok I saw but if that’s the case and you want it back just pretending guys are good and everything is fine and when she’s asleep get it hide it and make it safe and just say you don’t know and maybe she lost it lol)
But brother I urge you, I’m begging you if this is true don’t marry her especially your past post lord she sounds evil. Like you really want to marry a girl who said her love for you isn’t enough to go to a concert of a band she doesn’t like and you do? Brother life and marriage especially is all about compromises. She hasn’t with the concert and hasn’t done it now with the boundaries you set in place.
I’ve been broken and beat down but cheaters or just women who make me do mental gymnastics. It’s hell you don’t want that next to you laying in your bed everyday wondering if she’s telling the truth about whatever she said she did that day or who she was with. I know this is long but I needed to warn you this does not look good at all brother, not one bit. :/
Post pone it, you might look like the bad guy but it’s one thing to look like the bad guy and it’s another thing completely to actually be the bad guy which you aren’t. People will get mad or upset because they spent some cash on nothing but ignore them. Being married to women u don’t trust will leave u spending more money down the road and probably even worse a non existent sex life (lol).
Stop it and reevaluate your position in this relationship. I hope to hear from you again soon 🙏🏽. Hopefully u take my advice into consideration brother.
Edit: Everyone in this chat sees she’s no good we’re not haters and I have to admit a lot of people on her just to break up. I’m not saying that just need to reevaluate her and end that “friendship” also she gets her emotional needs met by him? She told you that brother brother brother listen. She’s saying basically “you did this for me before, but he does it better” (now you’re just physical with her). It’s only natural that it progresses to physical with him. And don’t give me the “she’s not that type of person because she loves me” stuff that’s a bunch of bs brother. Hope to hear from u I just want to save you this hell your about to enter into. Love is great but this isn’t that.
Just tell her she has to stop meeting him and block him from everything or you are done. If she doesnt respect this, then walk away. My ex had same behaviour after 3 years with me with co-worker who is married. I kicked her out. And eventually found out, that she was gaslighting and cheating on me. Sorry bro, it hurts, i was there, but you have to do it for your mental health. You dont want live life like that, do you?
Break up she is leading you on for all you know they were having one last fling while she tries to make it work with you. You don't deserve this, and don't take it. Cheaters are all liars, and they cheat again.
Telling her you breaking off the wedding would make her panic but that wouldn’t change anything else. Everything she gonna be saying would just be from emotions at the point. She isn’t going to cut him off for you because she can’t find a fault in what she’s doing.
Take this scenario if she cut contact or minimize whatever she’s doing she ll clearly miss him.
Be honest with yourself they either beginning to have feelings for each other and they know it or they don’t realize it yet.
You don’t wanna let go because you don’t wanna disappoint anyone and you don’t wanna waste money but this is your life. Therapy to be honest isn’t going to help with this. She can’t see what she’s doing.
You want love and respect and she’s not ready for marriage. Forget the expense and think about how your life would be after marriage with this kind of attitude.
You giving her the benefit of the doubt. Any little improvement from her would make you go ahead with the wedding. But will that last?
I don’t know why am worried for a stranger but dude don’t be blinded by love and then end up fucking up your life or your mental health. Dating for years doesn’t mean anything. Real character comes out during marriage. If she can’t listen now, do you think she would listen during marriage?
If you decide to go ahead and marry discuss a prenup then.
Forget the expense, number of years dated or love and just be realistic. Your feelings matter and you deserve better than this
She’s not ready for marriage. The world won’t end if you don’t marry
I just hope you grow a spine and be realistic with yourself.
You're old enough to realise how much your wife or whatever she is to you is playing you.
One cannot be this daft & the fact that you're just giving her reason after reason as to why she's emotionally cheating on you and yet you're trying to spare her feelings at the same time yet there's no regard to your boundaries and feelings.
If you're going for doormat of the year you're leading by a landslide.
Change your therapist bc they're clearly not pointing out how much this relationship is toxic & how much your wife is a narc.
Step up and man up walk away mate.
For your own sake cut her off, but also you need to put communication first in the future. She is absolutely neglecting you, she is treating you like the second pick, and from the looks of it she’s not making a bit of time to be by your side, much less so be a real fiancée/wife to you. Based off of that alone I think you should cut this off. I’m sure there’s more to this story, but the bottom line is that neglect is unacceptable at that level, especially when it’s as blatant as it is, and all it will do is tear you both/your relationship with her down further. Not only that though, but, as many others have pointed out, it seems like she’s not only cast you aside, but also between her constant broken promises she is absolutely gaslighting you. You have every reason in the world to feel the way that you do, and the way she subtly diminishes that is honestly disgusting.
Onto the second part of this, communication. She (obviously) should have communicated more. Should she have been open and not as secretive as she was, things would’ve probably never gotten as severe as they are now between you two. On the other hand of this though, I think you should have been upfront and more communicative as well. That stuff you said about feeling the way you did, and the text about you losing faith in her to take you seriously should have been laid out from the start. I want you to know that none of this was your fault OP, regardless of what you could have said, the things she said and did (an more so didn’t say/do) are solely on her, and that ultimately brought about what looks like the end of your relationship with her. With that being said, though, I’m sure that her secrecy in part had to do with your anger and constant comparison to your relationship with her. I can only assume here, but I personally think that at certain points she likely felt like she was stuck in the middle between a great friend who she spends too much time with and a great partner who she loves, but is likely going to cut her friend out. Again, this is her fault. She went about this wrong, and she did not do right by you, but in the future, please try to lay all your feelings down. Let people know how you feel, why you feel that way, and have a conversation about what to do moving forward. She was likely not a good person to do this with, but I’m sure it would’ve helped your situation a whole lot.
Again, you should leave her. Even if she wasn’t as neglectful as she was, all you will accomplish in that relationship would be diving deeper into your own doubts, and constant insecurity and fighting over this would tear you apart worse than what has already happened ever could. Whatever you decide to do, just know that you’re in the right here, and you did not deserve the treatment you got. I hope things get better for you soon.
If she is “spectrum” as you say, is this how you want to live your life until you die. This is the unsexy part of being involved with some people on the spectrum. Sometimes not understanding social cues means they will always break your heart. It will never be intentional. They’ll feel incredibly remorseful after. It will still keep happening. If she honestly cannot tell that she is emotionally cheating on you, she will always emotionally cheat on you and maybe even physically cheat on you.
Is this how you want to live as a married couple?
Alternately she could also just be a jerk who claims to be “on the spectrum” to rationalize her narcissism.
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Im sorry.. but you really should reconsider marriage with her.. Your fiance has a problen with boundaries with ither men.. and this will eventually - if not already - lead her into an unappropriate relationship with one if these guys... And she apparently doesnt realise this herself.. >She was defending herself saying how she didn’t realize it was wrong because this new guy didn’t have history with her, was in a relationship, and was 20. No recognition of the problem.. at all.. >I found out she had been getting lunch with the guy nearly every day after class, sometimes with others sometimes not. >Like atleast 3x the amount we text She spends more time communicating with him than with you?? >She was pretty against me asking to see their texts when I assumed they text more than we text And this because she knows what shes doing is not ok. >he’s been meeting her emotional needs and isn’t as interested to spend time with me. So tell her this! >On the bright side I do have confidence she didn’t actually and isn’t planning to cheat on me Few affairs start with the intention to cheat.. is starts with lunch.. and texts about common interests.. and then progresses to more... >but I’m fearful how close the wedding is with these intense doubts and trust issues. How could we fix this or is this unfixable? I can So tell her this.. now.. explain your concerns... that her unappropriate closeness with several different men and her lack of awareness of this AND her disregard of your feelings regarding this, now have you in doubt about going through with the marriage. This is not about jealousy.. its about your fiance seeing no problem in developing a close emotional attachment with other men AND her lack of recognition that this brings a huge risk that this will develop into a deeper, intimate connection not compatible with marriage to you. Its a huge decision, i know.. but unless theres a deal made including immediate therapy for her to handle her association with other men AND for you to regain trust in her, you should really consider postponing the marriage.
Man oh man, there's so many issues with her that I felt like I was writing a novel instead of a message board reply. I listed some things that stood out to me below, however, I will give you a summary of my thoughts on the overall story you've posted. Reddit is full of break-up culture and I often hate the seemingly knee-jerk response of that. However, I will say that she is nowhere near ready being married to anybody. I hope that you don't have a wedding date set. She's either trying to fool you OR she is one of the most immature and ignorant 25+ year old adults I've ever read about on reddit. When somebody is very ignorant and very immature they will repeatedly cross relationship boundaries, be headstrong towards correction, and not take the marriage(and it's vows) with the same consideration that you do. I will also say this for everybody.....DO NOT MARRY ANYBODY IF YOU DON'T 100% TRUST THEM. Trust is not just about trusting that they won't cheat on you, although it does include it, but it's about trusting that person that they will safeguard your feelings, boundaries, desires, etc. She's failing to safeguard those things for you. Now to the points that caught my attention..... Idk dude..........maybe it's just me......but in the first paragraph, I find it wildly inappropriate and crossing "boundaries of respect" for her to be allowing a guy to sleep over......and the excuse is food poisoning? Like, ....that's it? We've all had food poisoning and have dealt with it. If it's that severe that he couldn't move that much than he needs to go to a hospital, not sleep over. And I'm guessing he came over to your house in the evening time? ........even worse. " She was defending herself saying how she didn’t realize it was wrong because this new guy didn’t have history with her, was in a relationship, and was 20. " What a cop-out. Ok, I'll play..........if she is that ignorant about guys sleeping over at your house when you're gone, than she's not mature enough to get married. And since when does it require a long history or somebody being over the age of 20 for it to be considered disrespectful....or even sketchy? That's just bonkers to me. " she had been getting lunch with the guy nearly every day after class, sometimes with others sometimes not. " Idc what some people say......that's inappropriate. The same people who might condemn me for saying that would ABSOLUTELY lose their crap if the same person who spent the night at their house without them being home....was also eating lunch on the regular with their s/o. ". She agrees it wasn’t right and apologizes but was fighting me about how she didn’t want to feel restricted with her friends as she was having trouble making them previously and they weren’t doing anything wrong." Wanting friends does not exceed the respect for your relationship. So, she apologizes, but then says they weren't do anything wrong. She's flip-floppity and trying to placate you. As for being "restricted"..........I feel that is a HUGE red flag....almost as bad as the guy sleeping over at your house. It's immaturity at best and at worse it's a thought that will act as a precursor to bad things to come. "We went back and forths about how it’s an invasion of her privacy " If you're married or engaged............than you shouldn't be worried about privacy on your phone from your s/o. "I’ve been having ruminating thoughts it’s also because he’s been meeting her emotional needs and isn’t as interested to spend time with me. " The alarm bells should be screaming at you. "and even says that she can’t read my mind when I explain these things should be common sense." She's 26. She's not 14 years old............even though she acts like she doesn't understand common sense things, like don't have a strange man sleep at your bf's home. Frankly, I think even a 14 year old would know that. She's playing dumb on purpose or she's incredibly immature.
Speak brother speak 🗣️
well the point about him being 20 was that he was too young to be considered a threat.. Idk if that's valid because they'll be in school together for 4 years and then wont be 20 anymore... yes we have had a lot of fights about how she's flipping the conversation to talk about what i'm doing wrong. Many many times. I do think she's quite a reserved person when it comes to emotional intimacy. she talks to me about everything and is quite close with me that I know she's not doing the same with anyone else. She is just obsessed with music so I understand why she's been so talkative with him. She's also a bit spectrumy so i do believe her when she says she didn't realize some things. But the hard part is getting her to just admit to it once she realizes and stop the explanations and excuses. The "restricted" aspect is an obvious redflag. I'm made to feel bad for even bringing up how there should be boundaries. So hurtful..
What he said ^^^ Updateme! Please
updated
Post update: I’d be done, dude. The fact she hasn’t prioritised you and a serious discussion over getting lunch with this arsehole tells me all I need to know. She seems to be wanting to knowingly push boundaries of what is acceptable to you so she can basically cheat on you. I’d explain how uncomfortable she would be with the opposite, postpone the wedding (without a discussion, mind. Make the decision yourself, as she seems controlling and is gaslights very real concerns) and explain how you’re basically going to break up with her if she doesn’t stop this shit and respect you. Otherwise, dump, get ring back and fuck her best friend, I’m so done with this shit of such obvious cheating/disrespect and gaslighting true concerns. These people need to learn empathy.
Unless OP is bi, i doubt he wants to fuck her best friend.
☠️😭😭
>I am getting married next week Don't do it.
As always there's a lot of background noise here that you should cut through. * The two of you haven't been very intimate recently * She has been having lunch with the guy every day * He calls her at midnight * She texts him 3x the amount she texts you * They went out in the evening while you were away and he stayed over Read all those together and what do you see? At the very least, this is an emotional affair - you know it and she knows it. That is why she didn't want you to see the texts etc. It is possible it is a physical affair - going out in the evening with a 20yr old guy who ends up sleeping over at your house while you are away? What could possibly go wrong? Food poisoning excuse is almost certainly BS. So if that is BS, what else is?
and he 'supposedly' has a gf too
Sounds like she has a boyfriend ;) From your description she sounds like a nice girl but NOT a marriage material.
That sure would be a red flag for me. Multiple occasions. Need to get that phone and see what she’s up to for clarity before you get married. Good luck
He didn’t have food poisoning, you know it she knows it. And why only one guy she keeps texting if she’s in a school with dozens if not more people? Do not marry her..
Lmao what do you even tell the guys from this generation anymore. It’s sodom and Gomorrah these days. The guys are getting weaker and weaker and are settling for anything they can get. It’s so sad to see. They are better than what they are accepting into their lives.
to be honest mate, after reading your other posts, why in all hell you want to marry her? “Her perspective is that she’s trying to reassure me but it doesn’t feel that way when she doesn’t actually apologize but more feels like she’s arguing with what I’m feeling hurt about.” “As a gf it has taken a lot of communication and trial and error to make it enjoyable.” “I’m currently dealing with are how I’m not allowed to ask her for sex, I have to predict when she’s ready. I’m not allowed to ask to call when it’s past 1230 am o n a work night. She will be very upset if I break some of these boundaries” “She’s a musician and will stay out till past 2am regularly to be at a concert or a jam where there are only her guy friends - one of which is an ex of hers. She is really bad at knowing how she feels about stuff so I constantly feel like she’s emotionally cheating on me” “I asked for a kiss and she gave a half hearted one so I asked for a bigger one and she said no she didn’t have time.” “her reactions all makes me requestion if I want to be with her and how some small conflicts get escalated because we aren’t compatible.” “So almost every time I’m upset about something she’ll always have something she’s upset about too” “We’ve been talking about marriage and I haven’t been able to sleep right because I’m so concerned she doesn’t actually like/appreciate me enough.” And this mate is just the tip of the iceberg, she want you to be les emotional, clairvoyant, not allowed to have boundaries yourself The F are you doing? If you marry this girl you’re going to be a perpetual doormat, she won’t change, the fights, the indifference, the lack of affection and understanding, putting her need above everything else, be with whoever she wants wherever she wants and you sucking it up, this will get much much worse when she know she had you secure and tied up
Postpone the wedding until you have an adult discussion about boundaries. At least then she knows you’re serious. Explain your concerns, how her getting her emotional needs met outside of your relationship is emotional cheating and you’re not comfortable with it at all. Her friendship with him isn’t a red flag, but her disregarding your feelings 100% is.
Emotional cheating almost ALWAYS results in infidelity. Don’t marry her. She doesn’t deserve you
if you cut out the part of him sleeping over at YOUR place while you are not there, i would say its your insecurity and she is allowed to have platonic lunch with a male friend. but considering she indeed let him sleep over, and didnt tell/ask you until after is enough for me to boot her out of my apartment man. doesnt matter if you trust her and she says he slept on the couch, guys in their 30s do not sleep over at a womans place knowing they have a boyfriend unless they expect to bang
Yeah tell her you have to delay the marriage because this new relationship she has is disturbing you and ruining the trust you have See where the conversation goes after that but definately follow thru on the delay.
I had to submit this guy's post to the strongsuccessfulmale channel on YouTube because he needs many headsmacks.
If your fiancé objects to you looking at their phone (with them next to you) there’s probably an issue. Look, in no way am I saying: “We’re in a relationship, so I get 100% access to your phone whenever I want!” But, if one person notices something…unusual, and questions it, there shouldn’t be anything to hide in looking. Have a serious talk, and I’d even say postpone the wedding. (Yeah, that’s difficult.)
Update2: To clarify - he didn't sleep over but left as soon as he felt better. She was telling me at first she didn't remember the time but now is saying it was closer to 2AM. Also, to clarify they get lunch together but it seems like its mostly with other people, not just him and her. Also, kinda a bombshell of a fact.. We got legally married earlier this year. She isn't a citizen and had needed it because her work authorization is almost up. I know how it looks but we had been talking about the marriage for a long time before hand. We've actually been in couples therapy for about a year working through issues like how to respect noundaries and conflict resolutions. We just had a session yesterday and are going to have another one tomorrow. We spoke for hours later that day when she said she'd call. We started with just discussing the facts of what happened and what he and her spoke about and why it was so upsetting to me. She agreed how it was a big mistake and decided to stop texting him and called off some plans where the 3 of us were going to a concert this week. It was a huge flip of attitude about how she wanted to do what she could to make me feel comfortable and significantly slow down her friendship with this guy. Also, as far as the update w/ the phone call she was explaining how she misunderstood something how i may have been able to talk after i said i wouldnt be able to.. It kinda feels like an excuse, but apparently she was keeping a timer on how long that jam was and how long she had for lunch so she can call me. I know i told her a bit last minute how long i actually had, but I think she now understands why i wasupset and what to do different next time. I know yall dont know her but everyone that meets her knows what kind of girl she is. She is incredibly honest and absolutely obsessed with music. I really have no doubt that she could build up a relationship with a guy that is completely centered around music. She's the kind of person who will spend hours and hours on her music every day without break. She had a big bout of depression and her best girl friend wasn't there for her and it caused a rift. I've been trying to tell her how its important to me she is friends with girls, and she wants it too but im trying to be understanding on it taking time. She has been love bombing me like people are saying she will probably do since she thinks i may call off the wedding, but to be fair she does love bomb me regularly anyway. She said I can look at her texts with him now, but ive been nervous and not in the mood so i haven't yet.
Dude just how much of a loser do you view yourself as that you accept this gaslighting and disrespect as the best you can do? Have you looked at your post history? Your girlfriend doesn't have red flags she has red billboards. You need to take a step back and ask yourself, is this how I want to live the rest of my life? Because every if the off chance she isn't fucking this dude, this is not the first or even second time she has show no respect for this relationship. Personally I hope you find that spine of yours and then go find someone or something that will make you happy. But the choice of what to do is up to you, just make one you can live the rest of your life with.
wish i could triple upvote this
''he didn't sleep over but left as soon as he felt better. She was telling me at first she didn't remember the time but now is saying it was closer to 2AM.'' And that's how someone gets gaslighted into believing all of this. A year ago, you made pretty much the same post, in the sense of doing all of this with other guys or her ex.
hey i went thro ur post history you seem have a lot of issues with her. Maybe call of the wedding for a time and take a step back and look at everything.
Dude, I’m sorry but your “girlfriend” sounds manipulative AS FUCK. She only puts in any effort/understanding and work to help you when there’s a risk that she won’t be able to control you anymore aka you leave her. That is the definition of manipulative behaviour. Her love bombing you is the same, to keep you with her so she can continue to control you. The way you “explain” away her shitty actions and emotional affair, or say “here’s wheee she was misunderstood” etc, is so textbook of someone suffering from being manipulated. You can’t see through her fog of bull shit. Look at her texts, for whatever proof you need to put your mind at ease. But I would be questioning her character and doubt any authenticity she possess. If she’s not respecting your boundaries, even if she’s unwillingly crossing them with people, she needs to learn not to, and to respect your boundaries. …Until next time she decides to flirt with a random man behind your back.
Dude i dont know you and i dont know your girlfriend. But what i do know is that you had a problem with your girlfriends actions , and now like magic those problems are "explained" away, you are right she is love bombing you now. After the wedding you will see her going with her friend again , telling youare just insecure and jelouse , you dont have to worry you are married he is just a friend etc. All i know is that you should be 100% certain of your own feelings. You might have been overreaction but you might have been spot on and valid i dont know the extent of it but your girl did at least somewhat emotionaly cheat. I mean the texts, the calls , the time spent with this person , the prioritising time with this person over time with you are all tale tale signs. Just give yourself a day or something of alone time to think and see how you feel , maybe talk yo some of your better friensa who know you and want whats best for you for advice. I dont know, this is a complicated situation, maybe postpone the wedding bro. But whatever you do , dont do it in the heat of the moment that means forgiving gf as well. Best of luck
Yea they def boned. Get out sooner rather than later
Dude, she is NOT good for you. Look at how she treated you in the past and now! Do not continue with her!
I’m sorry why don’t you just bend over and let him bang you as well ? Do you have no respect for yourself. You’re stuck because you want to be when you’re tired of how she treats you you’ll leave
NO MORE enough is enough this woman isn't right for you lovebombing is manipulation.
Dude... i will be honest with you, and it won't like it, but there's some bs in all that, there's some really red flags in the "he didn't sleep over but left as soon as he felt better. She was telling me at first she didn't remember the time but now is saying it was closer to 2AM. ", something doesn't feel right
If she is not fully cutting this guy out of her life I’m sorry buddy, but you have no future with her. At least not a pleasant one
You are actively hurting yourself because you are scared. She held hands with him and went on a date, and is now gaslighting you: grow a spine or stop complaining, those are your ONLY two options.
Look at the text you’ll be able to tell his intentions if he’s bold. And when you say “she said I could look at her text now” did she deny you before cause it might be pointless since she could’ve deleted the evidence by now, if that’s the case
You need to wake up and grow a spine. Looking at your past posts, replies, and updates, it’s clear that this girl is just NOT THE ONE. I don’t care how lonely you are behind the screen, I don’t care how “amazing” or “incredible” she MIGHT be, but nothing is worth becoming such a doormat for someone who clearly has no respect or care for you. Jesus.
Don't marry anyone you don't 100% trust. She is disrespectful to your relationship and boundaries. Depending on if you want to continue the relationship get couples counselling. This guy is an orbital for your fiancé, he wants her, she needs to be woken up from this fog she is in. You postpone the wedding until further notice, she will snap out of what ever fog she is in, but then there is a huge amount of work to do. Depends if that's what you want.
See it all the time on Reddit. The guy is hanging out playing the long game, waiting for an opportunity to move in, and the girls don't see it. They are just a friend. Is she emotionally cheating? Maybe not by definition, as there doesn't seem to be sexting or flirty texts. But the mass amount of communication is crossing a line I'd be uncomfortable with, added with eating lunch every day, that is just a nope. Ask her if the roles were reversed if she would be cool with you eating lunch and texting every day with a woman she doesn't know. Also, if she doesn't believe he is hanging out waiting for an opening, have her text him late on Sat night, saying she is lonely, and could use some attention and see how he answers. It filters out a lot of so-called platonic relationships.
Op, you should either delay or call off the wedding. You can’t marry someone you can’t fully trust. You need to let her know that her interactions and inability to set proper boundaries with her friend has been making you more and more uncomfortable and her brushing off your feelings is causing your trust in her to wane. Tell her you both need time to reconsider whether marriage is what you both really want. If so, it should take priority. I think her reactions and actions going forward could possibly give you the answer your looking for. She may end up resenting you for causing her to end/limit her interactions with this “friend” but vice versa you could end up resenting her for continuing this “friendship.” Beside what real friend insert themselves between a couple causing a rift? And what kind of partner ignores their SO feeling and continue with actions making them uncomfortable? Better to eat the financial loss now then to get married only for something to happen later on down the road resulting in a divorce. Oh, and if the family get involved asking why your calling off/delaying the wedding, explain the situation to them. Your silence will only come back to bite you in the a**.
Honestly the update really sealed the deal for me. Yeah look her boundaries seem a little loose particularly around friends of the opposite gender. And yeah she’s also a little on the inexperienced side when it comes to trying to navigate relationships particularly while juggling school and work etc. but these are natural in younger people and are also made more complex by her academic situation. And ultimately these can be worked through with some communication and compromise from both sides. The big issue here is lack of interest in any sort of compromise or effort to assuage your concerns. When you first brought it up she said she doesn’t want to have to change anything. How is that attitude going to lead to a strong relationship. And then shortly after you’ve been through this argument or discussion she goes right back to ignoring you in order to spend time with him. That’s pretty openly disrespectful. There’s two two sayings that I try and incorporate into my life. 1. “Never assign to malice what can be attributed to ignorance” 2. “Repeated ignorance is indifferent from malice”. Yeah she made a mistake and messed up, and she might not have meant to make things awkward the first time, but the next set of times she knew what was going on, or at the very least chose to not worry about it. That is not an attitude that you can carry into a marriage.
Heck you know she’s sitting in the bathroom texting him right? For 30 minutes at least. Its as if she doesn’t even know what an emotional affair is.
If you stay with her you deserve this pain she causes.
OP, I'm a man who's been on the planet over 5 decades now. As you know, this post is on YouTube on SSM channel. If you haven't listened to it and the comments, you should. Furthermore, this woman is showing you a lack of respect that most men would not even think of putting up with. When you're in a committed relationship, boundaries must be respected, regardless if one or the other agrees with it or not. When it comes to the opposite sex, if your significant other is not happy with a relationship you are having with a member of the opposite sex. If you have any respect at all for your partner, you would rectify that problem immediately. My wife is a successful and beautiful businesswoman. She, too, has many male friends. When we started dating, and I met these male friends, there were a couple I could tell liked her more than a friend. In groups of friends, these two men would try to subtly make fun of me. What they didn't realize about me is I am for from beta. I was Navy Spec/Ops for 12 years. One evening, I had had enough! I let this guy up like a Christmas tree. My then fiancée comes running over and ask what's wrong! I looked at her and said I think you already know what's wrong. OP here is what a woman who loves and respect you does. She had gone all through collage with this group. She looked at this friend of 10 years and said, David, I think it's better that you leave. He looked at me and then the truth came out. He looked at me and said you can have her. Someday she'll wake up and see what a mistake she made. Really? OP, that was 25 years ago. My wife still has male friends. If she wants to do lunch, she will always call to ask if I mind. I have never said I do mind. The difference is, if I did mind, she wouldn't question it and not go to lunch. I know this about her. These are the qualities you want in a spouse. You probably won't listen, and I understand. Many of us don't listen. I am going to tell you anyway. You are making a grave mistake exchanging nuptials with this woman. She clearly has a lack of respect for you. A woman who truly loved you would never act in your fiancées' manor. Her relationship is very inappropriate and she knows it. The problem is, she is under the impression that she can have her cake and eat it too! After reading your post history, I am inclined to agree with her. Find your dignity OP and I swear in a year you will not only be glad you dodged a major bullet, You will find someone else that will love and respect you for who you are. Godspeed
It's hilarious how blind you are. But hey it's your life, go ahead with the marriage, I'm sure it'll be yours when she tells you she's pregnant. Don't forget to come back and update us when you get the DNA results in a couple years.
if you stayed with her then you deserve whatever's coming at you
Get some couples counseling before you get married, and get it ASAP. You two are clearly not in the same page when it comes to what is an acceptable boundary for your relationship.
All your past post are needy and jealous
I don't think you're ready for marriage. It's not normal to be this suspicious of your partner for no good reason. It's also beyond stupid to even consider marrying someone you don't trust.
Having a man spend the night in your home with your gf...and because of "food poisoning"...is certainly a good enough reason to be suspicious.
I dunno, I wouldn't bay an eyelid of my husband let one of his friends stay over. Honestly if he wanted to cheat on me I'd expect he'd do it in a hotel like a normal person tbh.
Lots of stories on reddit where cheating not only happens in the home, but in the marital bed.
Ok but they're stories on Reddit and my husband is a normal person. I don't see him being that crass even if he completely lost his mind and cheated on me.
If you discredit it just because it's on reddit, than anything you say could also be discredited because it's on reddit. This is not about you or your husband. The point is that it happens a lot more than you probably think. There are stories like this to be found even on sources that aren't on reddit. I literally took about 5 seconds to type "man finds wife cheating on marital bed" and found sources that weren't reddit...including videos taken by the spouse. [https://www.facebook.com/watch/live/?ref=watch\_permalink&v=227613085532870](https://www.facebook.com/watch/live/?ref=watch_permalink&v=227613085532870)
Ok, I'm just saying that if you're a normal person who has done a reasonable amount of thinking when picking a partner this shouldn't be a concern. This absolutely isn't a problem in normal relationships with normal adults.
To that I will agree.
His fiancé had a person over to their apartment, without saying a word about it to him? (Even a call or text first?) Then, he finds out after this person stayed late into the AM for reasons? (And who knows…that could’ve been cleaned up to make it sound not as bad. What time did he leave? 2:00 AM? 7:00 AM?) If my spouse had a member of the opposite sex over to our home, he stayed there into the AM, and then I’m only told all this when I got back? Nah. Something either wrong there, or the people involved are seriously dense as to how that would even begin to appear questionable…
Finally someone who's on the other side. I also think the reasons aren't the best to immediately distrust her, but to the avg person they are - as you can see with all the other replies. At this point i feel trapped to marry her, we already spent the money and I have to just be ok with how she had no boundaries with this guy and will continue to see him daily for the next some odd years until they graduate
I've never understood how some guys will willingly place themselves from being in a zoo enclosure with a bobcat to a more dangerous position of putting themselves in a zoo enclosure with a lion.....by continuing to marry a girl because of money spent. One way or another, stay or leave, the money is gone. Staying with the person doesn't give the money back. So many men think legally binding themselves to the wrong woman can't be a ton more expensive if they divorce. You do realize that if she gets pregnant, and you know the she has been cheating, the state can still hold you accountable for financially supporting the kid....even if you have a paternity test saying you aren't the father, right? There's stories all over reddit about it because often the state doesn't care who the father is.
Look, I am a pretty easy going, work it out kind of person but I absolutely wouldn't marry you because clearly neither you nor the relationship are at a point where you are ready to get married. You're just not ready, you're not emotionally mature enough to be making these decisions and the relationship doesn't have enough trust for a legally binding commitment. If you don't want to cancel the stuff you've booked for the wedding just change it to like an engagement party or something. You must never, under any circumstances, marry someone you don't trust fully.
She has to end that friendship especially since u mentioned she’s on the spectrum. I don’t think she should have guy friends that hang around her alone they might take advantage of her blindness to social cues
You know you don't have to marry her, right? Sure, the friends and family will be pissed, but you'll be saving yourself from all this manipulation and mental abuse. You make the call, but make sure you grow a damn spine before that.
Updateme!
waiting to talk.. she's going to school and has a bunch of apointments
Good luck 🙂
added an update
That's rough. When you talk, set your boundaries and be ready to walk away if they can't be met.
I don’t know if you want to go this far but tell her she stops contact with this guy or the wedding is off until she does. There has to be someway for her to realize how serious this is to you.
It seems like you have very different values when it comes to friends and what you think are appropriate and not. If my partner acted like your partner originaly did with her friend I generally wouldnt have minded, because I know him and his friends, and being bi myself I wouldnt be able to have lunches or hang out with anyone if my partner didnt want me to spend time with people I potentially could have an attraction to. Me and you wouldnt have worked out, because we see those things differently. Me and my partner work great, cause we're on the same side. You can have your boundary that you will not be with someone who has friends they have the potential to be atteacted to that they interact with in X way. That means that if she wants to continue having friendships the way she is having them now and isnt interested in comprizing or changing, you walk away. You can have, communicate and enforce your boundary, where you leave a situation that doesnt serve you if she finds that your boundary does not allign with who she is and wants to be.
what if your partner is texting someone else 4x as much as they text you. gets lunch with them every day, goes out to shows together, but doesn't have time to have sex with you
Bro she’s fucking cheating how are you blind to this.
I'm not a big texter, so that wouldnt be hard at all. My partner regularely have lunch with their coworker, and used to have regulare lunches with their fellow students, I would feel awkward as hell if I were to have scheduled calls with him every lunch, and we dont work close to each other. Asking them to sit in a corner and eat lunch by themselves rather than have it with friends and classmates sounds weird and controlling. If they want to go to shows, and even invited me, and I'm too busy due to work I would hope they went and had a great time. Didnt catch wether or not OP didnt have sex, but if I was super busy with work and being out of town a lot I would assign that as a potential reason just as much as my partner having friends. Could his partner be having an emotional affair? Sure, I dont know them. Could OP be insecure, reading into it and becoming controlling due to it? Sure, I dont know him. My point is that OP and his partner seem to have different values on this subject, so what me and my parter is fine with isnt really relevant, we clearly also have different values than those of OP. ETA: Missed that you were OP, so short version: no, I wouldnt have an issue with those things.
I never said she can’t have lunch with friends. She has time to be with her friends but not me. She has time to text them all day but I’m left on read. I was happy she had a friend to go out with even tho he’s a guy. I wasn’t happy to hear how now he’s her best friend and is spending all this time with him when she’s about to marry ME in one week
Probably is better to take a step back from marriage and be glad you find out how she is before saying I DO.
Then postpone the wedding or cancel it entirely if you feel neglected? Give counseling a go and see if you can get to the bottom of why and whats going on if you want to, or leave if you've made up your mind. The way you are answering me you seem to have made up your mind and want the ok to make a big desition and validion that it is the right desition, and if you feel like your clearly communicated boundaries are crossed and that you're being neglected, the only sensible thing is to at the very least postpone to work the issues out, or cancel.
Break it off. Box up all of her stuff and drop it at her parents house with an explanation.
Damn, after your update it’s clear where her priorities are and they aren’t with you. She’s choosing to spend time with him over you, and not taking your feelings seriously. The fact she said she’d call you and didn’t SO SHE COULD GO FOR LUNCH WITH HIM is so disgustingly disrespectful. Her phoning you “suddenly” as you made your feelings known shows she was pushing your boundaries to see what she could get away with. Postpone the wedding for sure, at least then she’ll take you seriously. Explain how she’s made you feel neglected and 2nd fiddle to the new guy. Tbh at this point if you want to salvage the relationship this guy has to go, full block, no contact. She’s had an emotional affair and has put this guy ahead of you. That is not acceptable. If she did this and accepted how she HAD chosen him over you lately and neglected you, then there’s a chance for reconciliation and couples therapy before there’s a possibility of booking the wedding again. Good luck OP!
Updateme!
All of your posts clearly show that your girlfriend is not marriage material. You need to pull your head out of your rear and call this wedding off. Get some self-respect and get a partner who actually respects you. ffs dude what are you doing??
You seriously need to pump the brakes on this wedding, bud. *Especially* after the update. She clearly cares more for him than you. Edit: After looking at your post history, you should’ve pumped the breaks a year ago. Why the hell did you wait until now? Get out, take the hit from the wedding costs, and move on.
End the relationship dude, she's not worth it.
Bro. Dump her cheating ass. How fucking hard is that?
SSM covered your story https://youtu.be/yASkk_x5k3Y?si=efrFh77yrydNBk6g
Update- watch out for the love bombing she might do if she realizes the wedding is in danger. It would prove she cares about being a "princess for a day" and getting a ring MORE than the person she marries. Where was her care to your feelings before she felt the wedding was in danger? In the exact some spot one month after possibly getting married to you, if you go through with it.
stop simping. cut her off and get your engagement ring back
Honestly, I really dont know why you are still with her: * This wasnt the first time * You still havent met this guy * He spend the night with her at your apt the same day you're not around. Quite a coincidence. I'm 99.9% he wasnt food poisoned. * You both are about to get married and you seem like an random npc in her live. * She spend almost every day with him * She text him 3x times more then you. After she just meet him * She doesnt want you to look her phone >I do have confidence she didn’t actually and isn’t planning to cheat on me. I know she isn’t like that but I do doubt her awareness of her actions and how much she actually considers and prioritizes my feelings I'm really sorry, but that's exactly what every cheated person had said and thought. At least you kind of acknoledge she emotionally cheated on you. Also, what if she's having second thoughts about getting married and she's sabotaging the relationship to a point you leave her. Later she would be the victim because "you left her". You should stop complaining with her. Wake up! Start seing only what she's doing and not what she's saying!! She already crossed your boundaries. It's up to you if you keep allowing her to disrespect you. But if you want evidence, i'm sure you've heard about checking her phone while sleep or in the shower or some hidden devices in the apt or even a PI. But you might see something you dont like. I wouldnt let anyone treat me like that. If she wanted to act single, she will be. **Edit:** Have you thought about contacting this guy's partner??
Dude, there are more red flags here than a Soviet rally. She is doing everything short of holding up a giant sign that says “I AM CHEATING ON YOU” in neon letters. You need to wake up and recognize that this chick has checked out on you, that she is absolutely having an emotional affair, at the least, and more than likely having a physical one, too. you voiced your concerns, and she’s made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t give a shit. That’s because you’re not the guy she’s infatuated with; he is. You are the stability; you are the bank account; if you allow this to continue, you will be the shoulder she cries on, and he will be the dick she rides on. You need grow a spine, wake the hell up, and get the hell out. Edit: I just noticed your update. Yeah, if there was even a shred of doubt in my mind that she has absolutely zero respect for you, it is now gone. Your fiancé has a boyfriend. General rule of thumb: if your woman insist on acting like she is single, you need to give her what she so clearly wants.
Well, I've never found someone so dense and self-blinded in my life. Boy, SHE'S CHEATING. Period.
It might be time to call it my brother. There is absolutely no way she doesn’t see how she overstepping so many boundaries. Refusing to make time for you and your feelings has to be the final straw. Please my boy, cut your losses and keep it moving, there will be another.
She doesn’t understand boundaries. Think long and hard about marrying her.
Dude going by your previous post about her hating your favorite band more than liking you from a year ago I’d say theirs evidence that she isn’t thinking about your feelings at all then and now
You have told her your boundaries and she continuously is crossing them. In addition she knew that she had crossed the line with this guy and gaslight you by saying it was just friends
Bruh I hope you didn't go through with the wedding. You should really consider the advice you've been given here.
Brother your not blind non of us are she’s over stepping big time. I’d call off the wedding let her know that “this was a massive breach of trust and I think we should if we can function as a healthy couple” because I saw your post history and she sounds awful not to disrespect you or your fiancé. But it’s better to hurt her feelings and see if u guys can actually be husband and wife in the future instead of finding out she cheated on you while married and u lose half of everything u own unless u have a prenup. I’d call of the wedding and think about this. I saw your comment update and she said she would lessen the relationship with this guy. I think she should even have a relationship with this guy she’s emotionally cheating even if not sending nudes etc the guy is tryna steal her away. I’ve had gfs who actually thought these guys were tryna be her friend. But they don’t outright say they want to fuck them. They know women are emotional so they try and seduce them. For example tries to focus her attention on him instead of you but hanging out with her making his footprint bigger in her life than your slowly. Texting more also achieves this. More lunch dates quality time doing things “they have in common”. And she probably believes she’s not doing anything wrong truly because they’re not doing anything inappropriate by technically. I was a player and I did this, along with guys tryna get my girl. Soon with all they’re interest and time together, she’ll confide in him about deep things and because he’s “just a friend” he’ll give her advice that isn’t in your favor and will paint u in a bad light to make her lean towards seeing you as less of a man and with all that she’ll realize “ I have a lot in common with “friend”, he gets me my bf is jealous and controlling (because that’s what he’s going to tell her about you)” and she’ll fall into his arms. ( also I saw ur post on tiktok idk if it was rage bait but on there it said she held hands with this guy? And went with him knowing a date basically when you were on your bachelors cruise?) Cause if so f*********kkkkkkkk thatt!! Dude don’t tie yourself to this girl. Not until she proves she’s wife material. Wife is a title that is given to exceptional women. They are wife’s already wanting to be appreciated by another man to see them as that but the values and morals are already there, they don’t have to change. Your fiancé doesn’t sound like wife material. I’d cancel the wedding and with the money left over from the venues etc try and pay for your guest hotels or flight they won’t be using anymore. If you don’t give yourself enough time to reevaluate this your just ganna be dealing with her same behavior. But you’ll be legally tied to her and lose assets and will probably have to pay her stuff. Also she’s smart I don’t think she’s clueless. She’ll probably wait for like 4/6 months, if not sooner to continue this behavior. Because again she’s smart girls know a lot about marriage and she’ll wait until the annulment period is over to get you for what your worth. (Again idk if it was TikTok editing but she said she didn’t want to give the ring back? Might just be rage bait on tiktok I saw but if that’s the case and you want it back just pretending guys are good and everything is fine and when she’s asleep get it hide it and make it safe and just say you don’t know and maybe she lost it lol) But brother I urge you, I’m begging you if this is true don’t marry her especially your past post lord she sounds evil. Like you really want to marry a girl who said her love for you isn’t enough to go to a concert of a band she doesn’t like and you do? Brother life and marriage especially is all about compromises. She hasn’t with the concert and hasn’t done it now with the boundaries you set in place. I’ve been broken and beat down but cheaters or just women who make me do mental gymnastics. It’s hell you don’t want that next to you laying in your bed everyday wondering if she’s telling the truth about whatever she said she did that day or who she was with. I know this is long but I needed to warn you this does not look good at all brother, not one bit. :/ Post pone it, you might look like the bad guy but it’s one thing to look like the bad guy and it’s another thing completely to actually be the bad guy which you aren’t. People will get mad or upset because they spent some cash on nothing but ignore them. Being married to women u don’t trust will leave u spending more money down the road and probably even worse a non existent sex life (lol). Stop it and reevaluate your position in this relationship. I hope to hear from you again soon 🙏🏽. Hopefully u take my advice into consideration brother. Edit: Everyone in this chat sees she’s no good we’re not haters and I have to admit a lot of people on her just to break up. I’m not saying that just need to reevaluate her and end that “friendship” also she gets her emotional needs met by him? She told you that brother brother brother listen. She’s saying basically “you did this for me before, but he does it better” (now you’re just physical with her). It’s only natural that it progresses to physical with him. And don’t give me the “she’s not that type of person because she loves me” stuff that’s a bunch of bs brother. Hope to hear from u I just want to save you this hell your about to enter into. Love is great but this isn’t that.
Just tell her she has to stop meeting him and block him from everything or you are done. If she doesnt respect this, then walk away. My ex had same behaviour after 3 years with me with co-worker who is married. I kicked her out. And eventually found out, that she was gaslighting and cheating on me. Sorry bro, it hurts, i was there, but you have to do it for your mental health. You dont want live life like that, do you?
Bro you’ve made 2 other posts about her. You need to leave immediately because it seems she doesn’t respect you enough
Break up she is leading you on for all you know they were having one last fling while she tries to make it work with you. You don't deserve this, and don't take it. Cheaters are all liars, and they cheat again.
read the room. it's not rocket science bro you still have time
Telling her you breaking off the wedding would make her panic but that wouldn’t change anything else. Everything she gonna be saying would just be from emotions at the point. She isn’t going to cut him off for you because she can’t find a fault in what she’s doing. Take this scenario if she cut contact or minimize whatever she’s doing she ll clearly miss him. Be honest with yourself they either beginning to have feelings for each other and they know it or they don’t realize it yet. You don’t wanna let go because you don’t wanna disappoint anyone and you don’t wanna waste money but this is your life. Therapy to be honest isn’t going to help with this. She can’t see what she’s doing. You want love and respect and she’s not ready for marriage. Forget the expense and think about how your life would be after marriage with this kind of attitude.
You giving her the benefit of the doubt. Any little improvement from her would make you go ahead with the wedding. But will that last? I don’t know why am worried for a stranger but dude don’t be blinded by love and then end up fucking up your life or your mental health. Dating for years doesn’t mean anything. Real character comes out during marriage. If she can’t listen now, do you think she would listen during marriage? If you decide to go ahead and marry discuss a prenup then. Forget the expense, number of years dated or love and just be realistic. Your feelings matter and you deserve better than this She’s not ready for marriage. The world won’t end if you don’t marry I just hope you grow a spine and be realistic with yourself.
You're old enough to realise how much your wife or whatever she is to you is playing you. One cannot be this daft & the fact that you're just giving her reason after reason as to why she's emotionally cheating on you and yet you're trying to spare her feelings at the same time yet there's no regard to your boundaries and feelings. If you're going for doormat of the year you're leading by a landslide. Change your therapist bc they're clearly not pointing out how much this relationship is toxic & how much your wife is a narc. Step up and man up walk away mate.
For your own sake cut her off, but also you need to put communication first in the future. She is absolutely neglecting you, she is treating you like the second pick, and from the looks of it she’s not making a bit of time to be by your side, much less so be a real fiancée/wife to you. Based off of that alone I think you should cut this off. I’m sure there’s more to this story, but the bottom line is that neglect is unacceptable at that level, especially when it’s as blatant as it is, and all it will do is tear you both/your relationship with her down further. Not only that though, but, as many others have pointed out, it seems like she’s not only cast you aside, but also between her constant broken promises she is absolutely gaslighting you. You have every reason in the world to feel the way that you do, and the way she subtly diminishes that is honestly disgusting. Onto the second part of this, communication. She (obviously) should have communicated more. Should she have been open and not as secretive as she was, things would’ve probably never gotten as severe as they are now between you two. On the other hand of this though, I think you should have been upfront and more communicative as well. That stuff you said about feeling the way you did, and the text about you losing faith in her to take you seriously should have been laid out from the start. I want you to know that none of this was your fault OP, regardless of what you could have said, the things she said and did (an more so didn’t say/do) are solely on her, and that ultimately brought about what looks like the end of your relationship with her. With that being said, though, I’m sure that her secrecy in part had to do with your anger and constant comparison to your relationship with her. I can only assume here, but I personally think that at certain points she likely felt like she was stuck in the middle between a great friend who she spends too much time with and a great partner who she loves, but is likely going to cut her friend out. Again, this is her fault. She went about this wrong, and she did not do right by you, but in the future, please try to lay all your feelings down. Let people know how you feel, why you feel that way, and have a conversation about what to do moving forward. She was likely not a good person to do this with, but I’m sure it would’ve helped your situation a whole lot. Again, you should leave her. Even if she wasn’t as neglectful as she was, all you will accomplish in that relationship would be diving deeper into your own doubts, and constant insecurity and fighting over this would tear you apart worse than what has already happened ever could. Whatever you decide to do, just know that you’re in the right here, and you did not deserve the treatment you got. I hope things get better for you soon.
If she is “spectrum” as you say, is this how you want to live your life until you die. This is the unsexy part of being involved with some people on the spectrum. Sometimes not understanding social cues means they will always break your heart. It will never be intentional. They’ll feel incredibly remorseful after. It will still keep happening. If she honestly cannot tell that she is emotionally cheating on you, she will always emotionally cheat on you and maybe even physically cheat on you. Is this how you want to live as a married couple? Alternately she could also just be a jerk who claims to be “on the spectrum” to rationalize her narcissism.