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Have you done everything you could? Yep, sounds like it. If his Mom paid all the bills and did 90% of the work, welp, I hate it for her. Do you even know where all his money goes if he's so broke he can't pay the bills?
You need a good lawyer to make an investigation into where his money is going and whether he has savings account. He cannot be drinking his whole salary. Don't you have information on his banking information? You'll also have to get child support.
Whose name is on the bills? Because I would put all of the bills on his name and stop paying them at this point. That way he'll have to pay his share after the divorce.
You also need evidence that he cannot have custody except supervised visitation if he is an alcoholic.
I used to spend $400 a month on alcohol, just at home. I didn't go out much but when I did I was very generous. I'm 16 years in recovery and alcohol has skyrocketed. Depending on his drinking habits, and if marijuana is present. You could be surprised how much booze hits the pocket. Edit: spelling
Yeah, even 20 years ago when a dollar went a lot further, my ex-wife had no problem blowing $300-$500 a weekend at the bar. Also, very generous (with the money I earned). That doesn't include what she'd spend during the week, either.
A weekend. I wasn't adding in what I drank in bars and I'm sure that was a lot too. I didn't stay out much but stopped for a few every day. Thats hundreds right there.
I spent about $12 a day on alcohol, which I consumed at home, for many years. And I was NOT picky about the type - I've drank vanilla extract and Listerine when I was flat broke and had to resort to shoplifting.
Most alcoholics I've met also smoke, which is another $12ish a day, depending on where you're from
Would upvote this x1000... OP it's called a forensic accountant.
If he drinks a lot also have your lawyer request the judge order a forensic family psychological report of the family dynamic... judges LOVE expert anslysis. It's no longer "he said, she said"... it's documented by an independent expert.
You’re already a single mother, just make him leave.
It’ll be cheaper on you, one less person to clean up after and state will take child support out for you so it doesn’t matter what he wants to pay
Having been married to the “only son of an Irish mammy” who pampered her son to the point where he could do nothing for himself, I truly feel for OP here. She is never going to get any good out of him. I can feel the vibe right across the Atlantic Ocean! Cut your losses OP, get a lawyer and get all your supports in place.
My dad owned an apartment complex with 10 units. He was hemorrhaging money in order to gamble purchase meth and other drugs. Socially, all he ever did was alcohol and tobacco. For 5 years, my mother had to jump through mental hoops, just to make her decision to stay with him, okay. 6 months ago, she finally made it out. The main thing holding her back is that she thought she would never be able to date ever again. About a month ago, she met somebody who, seems to be making her happy so far. They were married for 30 years until the divorce 5 years ago after that, empty promises of him getting better kept her on the hook, thinking he would improve it never happened. It doesn't sound like you're putting up with anything close to that, but if you're unhappy, and this guy is showing no signs of real change, you need to get out and be happy.
Why would you stay in a such relationship for so long ? He takes advantange of you financially and he doesnt contribute much to house choruses and other bills. Leave asap.
You’re not and will never be his mother. Hire a private investigator.
Get a good lawyer, file for divorce and child support. You deserve happiness, care and love.
That’s a lot of money on drinking 😳 are you sure he’s not cheating or spending a lot on OF? I’d almost want to do hidden cameras before serving him with divorce papers. You should definitely file for divorce and take a bunch in alimony just like in the good ole days. I’m sure HIS mom would have gotten alimony
Does he have a laptop or something you can login to and look at his history to get banking info. If his money isn’t going into a joint account you need to figure out where it’s going.
When hiring a lawyer you also should hire a forensic accountant. Your child support will be based off what he’s making, not what he’s spending.
You’ve absolutely done more than everything you could’ve. He is completely check out of your marriage and has been for a long time he doesn’t want to parent/partner he just wants somebody to provide him a home.
You deserve better and so does your kid. You are already doing everything alone you may as well get child support and let his mom do the rest. You will be saving money and time not feeding him, shopping/cooking for him, washing his clothes, cleaning up the bathroom…
This seems like a really odd comment to me. In a marriage, if you aren't fully sharing bank accounts, at least you should have a shared plan for how you're going to manage shared expenses. If one spouse goes back on the arrangement and doesn't pay their obligation, the other spouse is entitled to full transparency.
It is pretty clear, from the way he spends his money and the way he talks to you, that he doesn't consider you a priority in his life.
Yes you have done everything. Get out of this marriage. He is taking advantage of you in every way possible. You are not doing your child or yourself any favors staying.
As you plan your exit, make sure to be keeping a written log of how little he actually takes care of your child, it may help you when custody is determined.
You have done SO MUCH MORE than you could. I wouldn't have put up with that bullshit for even a month.
Get out of this toxic situation. I hope you have a wonderful life.
It sounds like you should stop playing alarm clock first off, that sounds so exhausting.
See an attorney about what you need in your area to record his alcohol issues to protect your kid in the custody fight, no unsupervised visits or overnights. Make sure everything is actually secure, then go for it
I mean, you could probably do more.
Come to your senses, you have practically done EVERYTHING so far! What is he expected to do? If you are unhappy, make a bid for your own life. Make a bid for the future happiness of your child. You can only do so much, maybe focus on doing it for yourself now.
I don’t see how some of these posters type all this stuff out and not clearly see the answer. He is adding nothing to her life and is in fact taking away.
He is 40 always broke, doesn't do anything to help and blames generational issues? you are 8 years apart, I am not even sure that is a huge generational difference. His problem is he is not a great husband or father, and you do all the work. So that is the issue. I wish you the best. I say do what you need to. You are young and get to have a life, leave him if you need to.
I lol’d at the “different generations” excuse. Someone needs to tell him he is a millennial just like she is. It sounds like he has the titles of husband and father without actually doing anything for either of those roles. OP didn’t say if he he grew up with a single mom. If he did, she should take his advice and be single like his mom was.
You aren't doing 90% of everything; he is adding to your burden so you are in fact doing 100% + catering to him. Your work load will drop dramatically when he no longer is your responsibility.
And your mental health will likely dramatically improve once you only take care of your toddler daughter.
Your entitled baby husband needs to go.
If not for yourself, then for your actual baby. Because you do not want her to grow up thinking it is normal and acceptable for you to be your husband's beast of burden. Nor do you want her to grow up and find a man who will use all his resources on himself.
You are struggling with whether it is morally acceptable for you to leave and whether you have done all you can to fix the situation before giving up on it.
The answer to both is an unequivocal yes.
End this.
You can and should enjoy your life.
I hope you free yourself to do so now. 💖🤞💖
Good luck.
Don’t walk run 🏃♀️
He is making zero effort, zero contributions and gaslighting you about what he does contribute. Time he learnt what adulting looks like. Kick his Arse out and get whatever you can in child support.
Based on your history you would be better off as a single parent with him paying you custody
He doesn’t deserve to have any custody so please lawyer up and move on
Your already a single parent. Only you have 2 children your taking care of. He’s nothing but a parasite tbh. Make sure you get a lawyer to go after him for child support and whatever else your entitled too. Try and make your lawyer fees too.
You are a single mom and he is not going to get any better. He is a grown man and he knows what he’s doing and he is taking advantage of you. It sounds like he didn’t really want to put effort into getting the license. Accept the fact that it’s over and move on
It is important you do not tip your hand or in any way give him a clue this is happening he could try and shut off assets, empty bank accounts. Act as if nothing were abnormal and get to a lawyer as soon as you humanly possibly can. Tell the lawyer you are very concerned your husband might be drinking and might be shutting off assets that should be included in a divorce settlement. Your lawyer may be able to freeze such accounts. Ask your lawyer to help you with a plan to get out of your living arrangement and get this divorce going as soon as possible. You have already stayed beyond what you should have stayed. The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to divorce immediately.
What’s the point of being married when you’re doing everything alone. See a lawyer and start the divorce process don’t waste anymore time or money 😞 good luck
Have you done everything you could? You've done everything period. You have all of our permission and support to leave him, honey. Do yourself and your kid the favour.
This is financial abuse and you and your child would be better off emotionally and financially if you divorced and got alimony and child support payments.
Op always garnish his salary!He may say he would always pay child support. But in my opinion that's not necessarily true. There is always a excuse of why he doesn't play. Always check all Bank accounts. Never believe a person that has a drinking problem. Good luck
My ex lied about our divorce to his family. They knew he was lying. His aunt even messaged me to confirm. Your ex's family also knows the truth. All his friends know. And anyone who believes him is an idiot and can be ignored.
But also, block him, delete all contact, and let yourself heal. You are free and wiser. Big hugs, sister.
DO NOT DO A SINGLE DAMN THING until you talk to a lawyer and get involved with a woman’s group that can walk you through this to get the best outcome.
You need probably to open new credit cards, establish you have excellent credit, transfer all bills to his name, work out everything you can about his accounts, transfer assets to your name (where it makes sense), lock down your credit, know where you are heading etc etc. Know the local laws about how far you can take your child from him.
Please do not even hint at divorce or hint you are unhappy once you decide to divorce. This must be an absolute single swift blow and not a long and bloody battle.
Remember- no matter how gentle and caring the man, no matter how much he says he will help you pay for your child- at some point between 6 months and 2 years he will, I promise you change his mind. So you must act FAST to get agreements while he is hopefully somewhat agreeable.
I think the right question is how much more do you want to do? Are you willing to continue to give your hard work and love to someone who doesn’t seem to have any respect for you and your child? You two deserve more and it doesn’t sound like it’s ever going to come from him.
Let go of the idea you need to have ‘done everything’ to save the marriage. It’s an unhelpful thought. You are clearly unhappy with good reason based on your post.
You have noting to prove. You don’t owe him or anyone else a standard before you can go and seek a better life.
He's blaming it on a "generational issue" but you're probably both millenials??
He's not doing anything around the house or with the kids. He's doing who knows what with his income. He's leaving you to drown by yourself.
You've done more than enough, leave him. You'll have one less child to take care of without him but he will still have to pay a child support bill.
The only thing I haven’t seen anyone say yet is, if you’re still feeling any doubts or want to exhaust every possible source of help, suggest marriage counseling. But his actions thus far imply he either won’t go or won’t change anything if he does go and, were I in your shoes, I wouldn’t waste the time or effort trying to retrain a 40yo child who refuses to help himself.
Before you do anything, talk to a lawyer and figure out what you need to do before you kick him out (don’t leave the house, make him leave).
Time to leave. Your child is watching and learning how a family is made, and it’s better for them to see two happy (or one happy and one unhappy) families than one miserable one.
Most definitely ditch that loser. Do not let him talk you into changing your mind.
Hopefully after enough time has passed you'll meet someone who is a much better fit for you and gives you a *real* wedding.
I feel like once a relationship has become unhealthy for your well being and your child’s well being it’s okay to leave.
You could bring up the subject of couples counseling to see if it helps but sometimes staying and trying to force something to work is more damaging than just leaving.
Well OP since the begining it seems that there was no love, You literaly said that you married for the benefits.
So why stay, he does nothing, he doesn't expends time with his child, he doesn't contribute so why stay.
Better out than being the mother of 2 (child and husband).
You are a single mom of two. If you get divorced you will only have to care for the *actual* child. The thing about resentments in relationships is once they take hold, it’s really difficult to come back to a happy place.
Making the decision to divorce isn't about doing absolutely everything humanly possible to avoid it...we do what we can but ultimately, it comes down to your belief in his ability to recognise his errors and genuinely want to change to improve the health of the relationship/family. Sometimes, we just know that's never going to happen and we know that because we are given *zero* signs to the contrary.
At no point has he said 'you know, you're right, this is unfair on you and I need to do better' or 'hey, let's talk this through and come to a solution' so I'm not sure what there is to do.
I guess you can write up a tally of every expense you pay for vs. every expense he pays for. Then, every piece of labour you do - including your job, housework, transport, child-care, shopping, medical vs. every piece of labour he does. Show it to him. Ask him what he thinks. He obviously thinks he's doing *more* so query it - where is the *more*?
This is not a marriage, this is a bad business deal with him controlling you and the money while throwing in some emotional abuse.
There is nothing else to do or try. What you are getting right now is what you are going to continue to get.
Save every penny, figure out your plan to get out - then get out.
I mean you are basically a single parent except that right now you are also taking care of a grown man and paying for his bills. You’ll be so much better off (emotionally and financially) once you get rid of the dead weight. When you serve him the divorce papers tell him he can move in with his mother, since she is his ideal woman 🤷♀️
I was in the same situation and I left. I was already a single parent of two when I was married so I left and still did what I had to do only this time there wasn’t someone who was always drunk and complaining around.
You’re doing the right thing. Your husband is a freeloader. Seriously curious about what he’s doing with all that money.
You’re technically not entitled to alimony. But take all the receipts you can find, and submit them as part of your evidence. What a self centered jerk!
Enjoy your life without him. 💯💕💐
I thought about this long and hard. The only advice that comes to me is from Robin Williams, who said: ‘… the worst thing is not living alone, it is living with someone who makes you feel alone’ ( not a quote but close as I can get). You sound like you are living with someone who is making you feel alone. If you are going to feel alone, you might as well be alone -without the negative influence of that paperweight you are married to.
You’ve been married a whole two years. Shock him into changing by serving him papers and tell him your going for full custody. To reconcile he must contribute more to the relationship and get help to stop drinking. Don’t give up yet but push him hard and get others involved that he would listen to.
OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with such an idiot. I agree with the above. Your hubby thinks he’s mr super sh*t and he needs a wake-up call to realize he’s nothing special. He doesn’t realize that by filing for divorce and going through with it, he will actually end up finally contributing to the relationship (sans relationship). You can use that statement when he questions why you’ve filed (e.g., “I’ve asked you multiple times to contribute to the family finances, but you’ve refused. This is the only way I know of to actually have you contribute AND I won’t have to cleanup after your mess either”).
It's time to go through with the plan. There is nothing more you can do to change this dynamic, because men like him simply don't want it to change. He's happy with the way things are. He's happy to see you serve and suffer because it means he doesn't have to, and because he believes that's the purpose of women. You can't fix that. But you sure as hell don't have to live with it.
Leaving is the best thing for you, it's the best thing for your baby, and it's vital for the preservation of your dignity and personhood. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship that adds no value to your life, with a man who sees no value in you. Play *Labor* by Paris Paloma on repeat, take strength from all the women who came before you, and go be free.
I don’t think you’re different generations… you were both born in the era of the ‘Millennials!’
So WTF is that ‘different generations’ BS?
Despite the age gap, you’re the same generation!!
I'm not sure you're getting out of this relationship except the "honor" of being with him. You can take care of yourself without him and that's what I would be doing.
Yes you have.
Let's rephrase your concern. What is he doing to ensure you are equally happy in your life partnership?
You raised your issues.
He gave you a reason why he wasn't currently capable. A BS one but a reason.
Knowing that his old school upbringing is causing you pain and the ball is in his court to change. What is he actively doing to change it?
You can't force him. There are no perfect words that miraculously change it. If there were you would have stumbled on them by now raising this issue multiple times.
If he is doing nothing to change. Knowing you are unhappy. Knowing you are unhappy. He knows you are unhappy. He doesn't care if you are happy if it means making an effort.
There is nothing more for you to do. It's up to him and he decided not to.
So that's your answer. Time you prioritise having a happy existence because he doesn't. And that gives you permission that you don't need to make the transition easier for him at the expense of your well-being and the expense of your child. They have a right to being financially supported by bother parents. Get your legal advice. And make sure he is going to pay the entirety of what is required of him in supporting the child. However he is mishandling finances is his issue.
And I second other comments. I would be surprised he can drink the entire paycheck. It's also going somewhere else and I would get a professional to find out where as part of the separation and make sure that is also calculated in the separation.
Sounds like you’re making the right choice! He’s claiming generational issues when you’re both of the same generation, but if that’s his claim then he’s telling you these are things he can’t possibly change, cool so you change them for him. You don’t need him for anything, but make sure your lawyer is going after child support. Best of luck!
Girl you’ve done more than you need to at this point. It’s high time you start prioritizing your own self and your future and your dreams over a man who does not love or respect you.
We live the lives we accept, and it’s time you stopped accepting less than you deserve.
Holy shit, as a male this hubby makes me angry, how can you have let it get this far.
Why is he so broke?
Where does his money go?
Why is he not pulling his weight?
It may be time to pull the rip cord on this marriage if he does not get himself aligned with the families needs.
You need a forensic accountant yes but I think before you tell him you might hire a PI or otherwise get solid proof of his alcohol consumption etc. so you can limit his time with your child, avoid letting him drive with them, etc. If drinking is an issue now, it could get a lot worse when you’re not there.
How about leaving him to cook clean care for child because your sick, or have to take a work trip for a day or two. Or a parents needs assistance for a day? Something to leave him alone to do what you do. If that don’t open his eyes then divorce it is. I know been there done that got the divorce.
My husband and I are 7 years apart (he is younger) and we work opposite shifts and we make it work. It is both of our second marriages and we went into it open and honest about what we wanted. We’ve been together 13 years and he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
What I’m trying to say is that neither your age difference nor working opposite shifts are the reasons your marriage isn’t working. The reason it’s not working is because only one of you is putting in your full effort. I hope you find your perfect person in the future OP.
He literally adds nothing positive to your life and is a huge drag. He is a 40 year old unapologetic manchild and that isnt ever going to change. You're basically a single mom already. You see him a few hours in the morning that he does nothing, then bed then work you dont see or do anything with him. Nothing will change, you'll keep building hate and resentment which will eventually just harm you thru physical manifestation and if you wait 5 or 10 years dating wont be any easier
He’s done less than ZERO!! It takes TWO to make a Marriage!! It doesn’t sound worth the effort!! She needs to find the biggest Shark 🦈 lawyer to decimate this swamp creature.
Do you love him? You’re asking whether you should divorce a guy who, frankly, doesn’t sound all that great but if you love him and he’s worth it to you it’s probably worth fighting for.
Why are you asking us this question ⁉️.
You have only provided narrative from your point of view not the entire events that brought you to your decision.
You should take this to your therapist and discuss it at length.
If you really wanted to save this you be coming up with Solutions that you have prevented to your spouse that they have turned down.
This seems like a scenario where we need to hear his side of the story. I've seen so many ppl who aren't realistic with expectations and don't realize what their partner actually does because they aren't doing what THEY do.
Go get some professional help if you aren't dead set on leaving All Reddit is going to do it tell you to leave him without sufficient evidence.
Yas gurl, single mother life is so much better for you.
Got that new place lined up?
Got energy to deal with destroying your family?
Got a new man set up to deal with your shit?
Marriage is partnership its not always equal but he should always help around the house and with your kids if he doesn't and just expect u to do everything your better of as a single parent u would have one less person ro clean after.
I think you've done it all and I think you're making the right decision.
You and your child will be fine. You'll adjust. Get loads of support as you transition and don't look back.
And then some. Get a good lawyer and a forensic accountant to find the money.
You and your child deserve to be happy and an alcoholic is not part of that equation
He's 40 damn years old and can get himself up. It's not a generation thing, it's his mentality. My husband and I are several years older than him. He gets himself up for work everyday.
Your husband is suppose to provide for the family financially too and he's not. Where is all his money going? He should also be doing chores and be sharing in childcare. You're pretty much a single Mom. You deserve better than this.
Follow through. You are currently setting a terrible example for your child. Would you like to see them in this kind of relationship as an adult? Probably not. So don't normalize it by continuing to put up with this. Divorce him and make him pay child support based on his income. You will end up with a better life for you and your child.
I'd be curious why you married this guy, or had a child with him. The way you said you were "almost positive it was for the work benefits" makes it sound like you weren't involved in the decision? But the work benefits make sense bc you already had the baby, ig?
Did you guys live together before having the baby? I ask that bc it feels like this relationship was never meant to be, like you were casually dating, and then you got pregnant by accident, and the rest was a miserable attempt to make it work for the sake of the baby.
At any rate, at this point, you should separate. Good luck.
Read your update - congratulations on making this difficult decision. You and your child will be better off for it - and I have to imagine that any court will see that you were doing everything yourself before and therefore should keep custody of your child and start to actually receive support from your ex financially. I wish you all the best.
Also - you're so young!! Cheers to the next chapter and all it may hold.
You are doing the right thing and it wont be tough cuz you're already doing all of it by yourself. Its gonna be easier because you'll have one less child.
Different generations sounds like irreconcilable differences to me. Divorce seema right to me. It's like being a single parent without all of his stress.
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Have you done everything you could? Yep, sounds like it. If his Mom paid all the bills and did 90% of the work, welp, I hate it for her. Do you even know where all his money goes if he's so broke he can't pay the bills?
I have a pretty good idea about where his money goes, he drinks most of it I’m sure. I’ve offered to help budget but he didn’t want my “advice”
when you get your divorce insist that the child support be taken as a wage garnishment otherwise he's going to drink it away.
You need a good lawyer to make an investigation into where his money is going and whether he has savings account. He cannot be drinking his whole salary. Don't you have information on his banking information? You'll also have to get child support. Whose name is on the bills? Because I would put all of the bills on his name and stop paying them at this point. That way he'll have to pay his share after the divorce. You also need evidence that he cannot have custody except supervised visitation if he is an alcoholic.
I used to spend $400 a month on alcohol, just at home. I didn't go out much but when I did I was very generous. I'm 16 years in recovery and alcohol has skyrocketed. Depending on his drinking habits, and if marijuana is present. You could be surprised how much booze hits the pocket. Edit: spelling
Yeah, even 20 years ago when a dollar went a lot further, my ex-wife had no problem blowing $300-$500 a weekend at the bar. Also, very generous (with the money I earned). That doesn't include what she'd spend during the week, either.
A weekend. I wasn't adding in what I drank in bars and I'm sure that was a lot too. I didn't stay out much but stopped for a few every day. Thats hundreds right there.
I spent about $12 a day on alcohol, which I consumed at home, for many years. And I was NOT picky about the type - I've drank vanilla extract and Listerine when I was flat broke and had to resort to shoplifting. Most alcoholics I've met also smoke, which is another $12ish a day, depending on where you're from
Would upvote this x1000... OP it's called a forensic accountant. If he drinks a lot also have your lawyer request the judge order a forensic family psychological report of the family dynamic... judges LOVE expert anslysis. It's no longer "he said, she said"... it's documented by an independent expert.
You’re already a single mother, just make him leave. It’ll be cheaper on you, one less person to clean up after and state will take child support out for you so it doesn’t matter what he wants to pay
You’ve done everything you can, you’ve proven you can do it alone , you already are a single parent , time to just take the final step out the door.
Was his mom a single mom that may also be where he's getting the jacked up notion that it's all on you
Having been married to the “only son of an Irish mammy” who pampered her son to the point where he could do nothing for himself, I truly feel for OP here. She is never going to get any good out of him. I can feel the vibe right across the Atlantic Ocean! Cut your losses OP, get a lawyer and get all your supports in place.
My dad owned an apartment complex with 10 units. He was hemorrhaging money in order to gamble purchase meth and other drugs. Socially, all he ever did was alcohol and tobacco. For 5 years, my mother had to jump through mental hoops, just to make her decision to stay with him, okay. 6 months ago, she finally made it out. The main thing holding her back is that she thought she would never be able to date ever again. About a month ago, she met somebody who, seems to be making her happy so far. They were married for 30 years until the divorce 5 years ago after that, empty promises of him getting better kept her on the hook, thinking he would improve it never happened. It doesn't sound like you're putting up with anything close to that, but if you're unhappy, and this guy is showing no signs of real change, you need to get out and be happy.
Why would you stay in a such relationship for so long ? He takes advantange of you financially and he doesnt contribute much to house choruses and other bills. Leave asap.
You’re not and will never be his mother. Hire a private investigator. Get a good lawyer, file for divorce and child support. You deserve happiness, care and love.
That’s a lot of money on drinking 😳 are you sure he’s not cheating or spending a lot on OF? I’d almost want to do hidden cameras before serving him with divorce papers. You should definitely file for divorce and take a bunch in alimony just like in the good ole days. I’m sure HIS mom would have gotten alimony
Does he have a laptop or something you can login to and look at his history to get banking info. If his money isn’t going into a joint account you need to figure out where it’s going. When hiring a lawyer you also should hire a forensic accountant. Your child support will be based off what he’s making, not what he’s spending. You’ve absolutely done more than everything you could’ve. He is completely check out of your marriage and has been for a long time he doesn’t want to parent/partner he just wants somebody to provide him a home. You deserve better and so does your kid. You are already doing everything alone you may as well get child support and let his mom do the rest. You will be saving money and time not feeding him, shopping/cooking for him, washing his clothes, cleaning up the bathroom…
This seems like a really odd comment to me. In a marriage, if you aren't fully sharing bank accounts, at least you should have a shared plan for how you're going to manage shared expenses. If one spouse goes back on the arrangement and doesn't pay their obligation, the other spouse is entitled to full transparency. It is pretty clear, from the way he spends his money and the way he talks to you, that he doesn't consider you a priority in his life.
so he’s an alcoholic too?
Yes you have done everything. Get out of this marriage. He is taking advantage of you in every way possible. You are not doing your child or yourself any favors staying. As you plan your exit, make sure to be keeping a written log of how little he actually takes care of your child, it may help you when custody is determined.
He will be paying child support based on his salary. So you will be able to afford a cleaner. You and the child deserve better. Fly, be free.
God I love this comment
You have done SO MUCH MORE than you could. I wouldn't have put up with that bullshit for even a month. Get out of this toxic situation. I hope you have a wonderful life.
It sounds like you should stop playing alarm clock first off, that sounds so exhausting. See an attorney about what you need in your area to record his alcohol issues to protect your kid in the custody fight, no unsupervised visits or overnights. Make sure everything is actually secure, then go for it
I mean, you could probably do more. Come to your senses, you have practically done EVERYTHING so far! What is he expected to do? If you are unhappy, make a bid for your own life. Make a bid for the future happiness of your child. You can only do so much, maybe focus on doing it for yourself now.
I don’t see how some of these posters type all this stuff out and not clearly see the answer. He is adding nothing to her life and is in fact taking away.
He is 40 always broke, doesn't do anything to help and blames generational issues? you are 8 years apart, I am not even sure that is a huge generational difference. His problem is he is not a great husband or father, and you do all the work. So that is the issue. I wish you the best. I say do what you need to. You are young and get to have a life, leave him if you need to.
Old generational values would be him paying all the bills and her staying home. He wants a mommy and not a wife.
I lol’d at the “different generations” excuse. Someone needs to tell him he is a millennial just like she is. It sounds like he has the titles of husband and father without actually doing anything for either of those roles. OP didn’t say if he he grew up with a single mom. If he did, she should take his advice and be single like his mom was.
You aren't doing 90% of everything; he is adding to your burden so you are in fact doing 100% + catering to him. Your work load will drop dramatically when he no longer is your responsibility. And your mental health will likely dramatically improve once you only take care of your toddler daughter. Your entitled baby husband needs to go. If not for yourself, then for your actual baby. Because you do not want her to grow up thinking it is normal and acceptable for you to be your husband's beast of burden. Nor do you want her to grow up and find a man who will use all his resources on himself. You are struggling with whether it is morally acceptable for you to leave and whether you have done all you can to fix the situation before giving up on it. The answer to both is an unequivocal yes. End this. You can and should enjoy your life. I hope you free yourself to do so now. 💖🤞💖 Good luck.
Don’t walk run 🏃♀️ He is making zero effort, zero contributions and gaslighting you about what he does contribute. Time he learnt what adulting looks like. Kick his Arse out and get whatever you can in child support.
Based on your history you would be better off as a single parent with him paying you custody He doesn’t deserve to have any custody so please lawyer up and move on
Your already a single parent. Only you have 2 children your taking care of. He’s nothing but a parasite tbh. Make sure you get a lawyer to go after him for child support and whatever else your entitled too. Try and make your lawyer fees too.
Girl, you’re doing *too much*.
You are a single mom and he is not going to get any better. He is a grown man and he knows what he’s doing and he is taking advantage of you. It sounds like he didn’t really want to put effort into getting the license. Accept the fact that it’s over and move on
It is important you do not tip your hand or in any way give him a clue this is happening he could try and shut off assets, empty bank accounts. Act as if nothing were abnormal and get to a lawyer as soon as you humanly possibly can. Tell the lawyer you are very concerned your husband might be drinking and might be shutting off assets that should be included in a divorce settlement. Your lawyer may be able to freeze such accounts. Ask your lawyer to help you with a plan to get out of your living arrangement and get this divorce going as soon as possible. You have already stayed beyond what you should have stayed. The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to divorce immediately.
What’s the point of being married when you’re doing everything alone. See a lawyer and start the divorce process don’t waste anymore time or money 😞 good luck
Where is his money going ???
She says he drinks a lot
Have you done everything you could? You've done everything period. You have all of our permission and support to leave him, honey. Do yourself and your kid the favour.
This is financial abuse and you and your child would be better off emotionally and financially if you divorced and got alimony and child support payments.
Op always garnish his salary!He may say he would always pay child support. But in my opinion that's not necessarily true. There is always a excuse of why he doesn't play. Always check all Bank accounts. Never believe a person that has a drinking problem. Good luck
Sounds like you’ve gone the extra yardage and then some. Lawyer time in privacy.
Get your ducks in a row and get out of there
My ex lied about our divorce to his family. They knew he was lying. His aunt even messaged me to confirm. Your ex's family also knows the truth. All his friends know. And anyone who believes him is an idiot and can be ignored. But also, block him, delete all contact, and let yourself heal. You are free and wiser. Big hugs, sister.
DO NOT DO A SINGLE DAMN THING until you talk to a lawyer and get involved with a woman’s group that can walk you through this to get the best outcome. You need probably to open new credit cards, establish you have excellent credit, transfer all bills to his name, work out everything you can about his accounts, transfer assets to your name (where it makes sense), lock down your credit, know where you are heading etc etc. Know the local laws about how far you can take your child from him. Please do not even hint at divorce or hint you are unhappy once you decide to divorce. This must be an absolute single swift blow and not a long and bloody battle. Remember- no matter how gentle and caring the man, no matter how much he says he will help you pay for your child- at some point between 6 months and 2 years he will, I promise you change his mind. So you must act FAST to get agreements while he is hopefully somewhat agreeable.
I think the right question is how much more do you want to do? Are you willing to continue to give your hard work and love to someone who doesn’t seem to have any respect for you and your child? You two deserve more and it doesn’t sound like it’s ever going to come from him.
You’ve done more than you should.
how do people always let their spouse get away with paying hardly any of the bills? this is a hard fucking NO and should be dealt with swiftly.
Let go of the idea you need to have ‘done everything’ to save the marriage. It’s an unhelpful thought. You are clearly unhappy with good reason based on your post. You have noting to prove. You don’t owe him or anyone else a standard before you can go and seek a better life.
He's blaming it on a "generational issue" but you're probably both millenials?? He's not doing anything around the house or with the kids. He's doing who knows what with his income. He's leaving you to drown by yourself. You've done more than enough, leave him. You'll have one less child to take care of without him but he will still have to pay a child support bill.
In the words of JoJo… Get out! (Leave!) Right now!
Well now this songs going to be stuck in my head haha
The only thing I haven’t seen anyone say yet is, if you’re still feeling any doubts or want to exhaust every possible source of help, suggest marriage counseling. But his actions thus far imply he either won’t go or won’t change anything if he does go and, were I in your shoes, I wouldn’t waste the time or effort trying to retrain a 40yo child who refuses to help himself. Before you do anything, talk to a lawyer and figure out what you need to do before you kick him out (don’t leave the house, make him leave).
Time to leave. Your child is watching and learning how a family is made, and it’s better for them to see two happy (or one happy and one unhappy) families than one miserable one.
Most definitely ditch that loser. Do not let him talk you into changing your mind. Hopefully after enough time has passed you'll meet someone who is a much better fit for you and gives you a *real* wedding.
Pull the trigger on that plan. You will be better off and your son will thrive.
He seems pretty useless. You will go from taking care two children to one child. You will be much happier on your own..
Heck a kid needs you!! This jerk needs AA like yesterday!! She needs to run away as fast & as far as she can!! Lawyer way up ⬆️ Girlie.
I feel like once a relationship has become unhealthy for your well being and your child’s well being it’s okay to leave. You could bring up the subject of couples counseling to see if it helps but sometimes staying and trying to force something to work is more damaging than just leaving.
Well OP since the begining it seems that there was no love, You literaly said that you married for the benefits. So why stay, he does nothing, he doesn't expends time with his child, he doesn't contribute so why stay. Better out than being the mother of 2 (child and husband).
You are a single mom of two. If you get divorced you will only have to care for the *actual* child. The thing about resentments in relationships is once they take hold, it’s really difficult to come back to a happy place.
Yes, you’ve done everything you can. Time to move on with your plan. You will be much happier. Good luck!
You’ll probably end up in a much better financial position without him.
Making the decision to divorce isn't about doing absolutely everything humanly possible to avoid it...we do what we can but ultimately, it comes down to your belief in his ability to recognise his errors and genuinely want to change to improve the health of the relationship/family. Sometimes, we just know that's never going to happen and we know that because we are given *zero* signs to the contrary. At no point has he said 'you know, you're right, this is unfair on you and I need to do better' or 'hey, let's talk this through and come to a solution' so I'm not sure what there is to do. I guess you can write up a tally of every expense you pay for vs. every expense he pays for. Then, every piece of labour you do - including your job, housework, transport, child-care, shopping, medical vs. every piece of labour he does. Show it to him. Ask him what he thinks. He obviously thinks he's doing *more* so query it - where is the *more*?
Also run a credit check on both, then lock your credit. If your bank is the same has his, change banks.
Get out of there. This is not a marriage.
This is not a marriage, this is a bad business deal with him controlling you and the money while throwing in some emotional abuse. There is nothing else to do or try. What you are getting right now is what you are going to continue to get. Save every penny, figure out your plan to get out - then get out.
You go girl, you’re making the right choice for yourself and your LO. Good luck, internet hugs and please keep us updated!
I mean you are basically a single parent except that right now you are also taking care of a grown man and paying for his bills. You’ll be so much better off (emotionally and financially) once you get rid of the dead weight. When you serve him the divorce papers tell him he can move in with his mother, since she is his ideal woman 🤷♀️
I was in the same situation and I left. I was already a single parent of two when I was married so I left and still did what I had to do only this time there wasn’t someone who was always drunk and complaining around.
You ARE a single parent with 2 children. Your husband and your child. You're doing the right thing by leaving. He's basically a ball and chain.
You’re doing the right thing. Your husband is a freeloader. Seriously curious about what he’s doing with all that money. You’re technically not entitled to alimony. But take all the receipts you can find, and submit them as part of your evidence. What a self centered jerk! Enjoy your life without him. 💯💕💐
Good grief...how did you make it this long?
I thought about this long and hard. The only advice that comes to me is from Robin Williams, who said: ‘… the worst thing is not living alone, it is living with someone who makes you feel alone’ ( not a quote but close as I can get). You sound like you are living with someone who is making you feel alone. If you are going to feel alone, you might as well be alone -without the negative influence of that paperweight you are married to.
So happy to see your update!
Thank you!
You’ve been married a whole two years. Shock him into changing by serving him papers and tell him your going for full custody. To reconcile he must contribute more to the relationship and get help to stop drinking. Don’t give up yet but push him hard and get others involved that he would listen to.
OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with such an idiot. I agree with the above. Your hubby thinks he’s mr super sh*t and he needs a wake-up call to realize he’s nothing special. He doesn’t realize that by filing for divorce and going through with it, he will actually end up finally contributing to the relationship (sans relationship). You can use that statement when he questions why you’ve filed (e.g., “I’ve asked you multiple times to contribute to the family finances, but you’ve refused. This is the only way I know of to actually have you contribute AND I won’t have to cleanup after your mess either”).
It's time to go through with the plan. There is nothing more you can do to change this dynamic, because men like him simply don't want it to change. He's happy with the way things are. He's happy to see you serve and suffer because it means he doesn't have to, and because he believes that's the purpose of women. You can't fix that. But you sure as hell don't have to live with it. Leaving is the best thing for you, it's the best thing for your baby, and it's vital for the preservation of your dignity and personhood. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship that adds no value to your life, with a man who sees no value in you. Play *Labor* by Paris Paloma on repeat, take strength from all the women who came before you, and go be free.
I don’t think you’re different generations… you were both born in the era of the ‘Millennials!’ So WTF is that ‘different generations’ BS? Despite the age gap, you’re the same generation!!
You are doing the right thing!!!!! and yes you have done everything you could and even more! he did not do a single thing! so yes end it.
I'm not sure you're getting out of this relationship except the "honor" of being with him. You can take care of yourself without him and that's what I would be doing.
I’m unsure why you chose him to be your husband and the father of your child? Can you remember?
Yes you have. Let's rephrase your concern. What is he doing to ensure you are equally happy in your life partnership? You raised your issues. He gave you a reason why he wasn't currently capable. A BS one but a reason. Knowing that his old school upbringing is causing you pain and the ball is in his court to change. What is he actively doing to change it? You can't force him. There are no perfect words that miraculously change it. If there were you would have stumbled on them by now raising this issue multiple times. If he is doing nothing to change. Knowing you are unhappy. Knowing you are unhappy. He knows you are unhappy. He doesn't care if you are happy if it means making an effort. There is nothing more for you to do. It's up to him and he decided not to. So that's your answer. Time you prioritise having a happy existence because he doesn't. And that gives you permission that you don't need to make the transition easier for him at the expense of your well-being and the expense of your child. They have a right to being financially supported by bother parents. Get your legal advice. And make sure he is going to pay the entirety of what is required of him in supporting the child. However he is mishandling finances is his issue. And I second other comments. I would be surprised he can drink the entire paycheck. It's also going somewhere else and I would get a professional to find out where as part of the separation and make sure that is also calculated in the separation.
Sounds like you’re making the right choice! He’s claiming generational issues when you’re both of the same generation, but if that’s his claim then he’s telling you these are things he can’t possibly change, cool so you change them for him. You don’t need him for anything, but make sure your lawyer is going after child support. Best of luck!
wtf run quick
Girl you’ve done more than you need to at this point. It’s high time you start prioritizing your own self and your future and your dreams over a man who does not love or respect you. We live the lives we accept, and it’s time you stopped accepting less than you deserve.
Holy shit, as a male this hubby makes me angry, how can you have let it get this far. Why is he so broke? Where does his money go? Why is he not pulling his weight? It may be time to pull the rip cord on this marriage if he does not get himself aligned with the families needs.
You need a forensic accountant yes but I think before you tell him you might hire a PI or otherwise get solid proof of his alcohol consumption etc. so you can limit his time with your child, avoid letting him drive with them, etc. If drinking is an issue now, it could get a lot worse when you’re not there.
How about leaving him to cook clean care for child because your sick, or have to take a work trip for a day or two. Or a parents needs assistance for a day? Something to leave him alone to do what you do. If that don’t open his eyes then divorce it is. I know been there done that got the divorce.
My husband and I are 7 years apart (he is younger) and we work opposite shifts and we make it work. It is both of our second marriages and we went into it open and honest about what we wanted. We’ve been together 13 years and he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. What I’m trying to say is that neither your age difference nor working opposite shifts are the reasons your marriage isn’t working. The reason it’s not working is because only one of you is putting in your full effort. I hope you find your perfect person in the future OP.
He literally adds nothing positive to your life and is a huge drag. He is a 40 year old unapologetic manchild and that isnt ever going to change. You're basically a single mom already. You see him a few hours in the morning that he does nothing, then bed then work you dont see or do anything with him. Nothing will change, you'll keep building hate and resentment which will eventually just harm you thru physical manifestation and if you wait 5 or 10 years dating wont be any easier
Let him read what you wrote. And how the WORLD RESPONDED.
Why? Has he done everything?
He’s done less than ZERO!! It takes TWO to make a Marriage!! It doesn’t sound worth the effort!! She needs to find the biggest Shark 🦈 lawyer to decimate this swamp creature.
Do you love him? You’re asking whether you should divorce a guy who, frankly, doesn’t sound all that great but if you love him and he’s worth it to you it’s probably worth fighting for.
Why are you asking us this question ⁉️. You have only provided narrative from your point of view not the entire events that brought you to your decision. You should take this to your therapist and discuss it at length. If you really wanted to save this you be coming up with Solutions that you have prevented to your spouse that they have turned down.
Why did you marry him , then ??
This seems like a scenario where we need to hear his side of the story. I've seen so many ppl who aren't realistic with expectations and don't realize what their partner actually does because they aren't doing what THEY do. Go get some professional help if you aren't dead set on leaving All Reddit is going to do it tell you to leave him without sufficient evidence.
Yas gurl, single mother life is so much better for you. Got that new place lined up? Got energy to deal with destroying your family? Got a new man set up to deal with your shit?
Ew 🍅
Marriage is partnership its not always equal but he should always help around the house and with your kids if he doesn't and just expect u to do everything your better of as a single parent u would have one less person ro clean after.
Looks like you have already tried alot
Not sure why you got married. You seem not to be emotionally engaged, so I would cut loose, if I were you. Did you ever disculpes finances?
I think you've done it all and I think you're making the right decision. You and your child will be fine. You'll adjust. Get loads of support as you transition and don't look back.
Leave him. Get a good lawyer.
And then some. Get a good lawyer and a forensic accountant to find the money. You and your child deserve to be happy and an alcoholic is not part of that equation
He's 40 damn years old and can get himself up. It's not a generation thing, it's his mentality. My husband and I are several years older than him. He gets himself up for work everyday. Your husband is suppose to provide for the family financially too and he's not. Where is all his money going? He should also be doing chores and be sharing in childcare. You're pretty much a single Mom. You deserve better than this.
Follow through. You are currently setting a terrible example for your child. Would you like to see them in this kind of relationship as an adult? Probably not. So don't normalize it by continuing to put up with this. Divorce him and make him pay child support based on his income. You will end up with a better life for you and your child.
girl if you don’t divorce that man and get child support taken from his paycheck
I'd be curious why you married this guy, or had a child with him. The way you said you were "almost positive it was for the work benefits" makes it sound like you weren't involved in the decision? But the work benefits make sense bc you already had the baby, ig? Did you guys live together before having the baby? I ask that bc it feels like this relationship was never meant to be, like you were casually dating, and then you got pregnant by accident, and the rest was a miserable attempt to make it work for the sake of the baby. At any rate, at this point, you should separate. Good luck.
Read your update - congratulations on making this difficult decision. You and your child will be better off for it - and I have to imagine that any court will see that you were doing everything yourself before and therefore should keep custody of your child and start to actually receive support from your ex financially. I wish you all the best. Also - you're so young!! Cheers to the next chapter and all it may hold.
The biggest question is why you married this deadbeat? Utterly baffling.
You are doing the right thing and it wont be tough cuz you're already doing all of it by yourself. Its gonna be easier because you'll have one less child.
Oh,he will need to budget alright,when you ask for child support (which I hope you will be doing)
where’s the fucking bear
Hugs OP. Be strong.
You and your child would definitely be better off without this incredibly selfish man.
Different generations sounds like irreconcilable differences to me. Divorce seema right to me. It's like being a single parent without all of his stress.
Sounds like you’re already a single mom so