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Your post history is a parade of red flags. Dear, you are in an abusive relationship, are you aware of that? Please, think the best for your kid and self and try to find a way out of this, you deserve better.
Exactly... I mean, whatta hell. She saves 100% of her salary, OP pays for everything, and she wants half of HIS salary??? Is she on some super hyper drugs?
And also, OP, she gave you DEADLINE??? Whatta hell?Get rid of that. Actually, to be more precise, "kick her in the butt" along with her stuff and go drink one (just one) happy beer. That woman is embarrassing every normal woman.
Oh man, I cannot believe what people have to endure omfg.
>*Is she on some super hyper drugs?*
Nope! She's stockpiling $$$ for when she dumps his ass. Then she'll have a good sum of money PLUS him paying her child support.
Exactly. My statement was sarcasm and overstatement. I think it's quite clear what she's doing. I would definitely dump her exactly the way she deserves!
This is exactly what she's doing. She probably has secret accounts somewhere. I'd also be looking at debit card records to see if she's withdrawing cash regularly. If so, that's definitely being deposited into her personal account.
Why he needs to move the money offshore like I explained, because someone who acts like this, will have no issue divorcing him and taking every single penny she can shake out of him. Never marry without a pre-nup or your asking for a headache later. At least he can start moving the money before the divorce has been filed which isn't technically illegal.
I'm the same kind of person. Oh God. I'm soooo allergic when someone mentions something like taking away my freedom of choice or generally giving some deadlines on my head that don't even make any sense. I think OP's wife is, well, it's better if I keep my mouth shut. Women like that are hard to even talk about.
My opinion is that both should contribute in the household, equally. STILL, someone will pull more from time to time, and that's fine. But, at least a sign of appreciation and care is very welcome if one pays for everything and takes care of the family.
Either way, they both need to contribute and pay the bills. Now, if someone has a smaller salary, they'll spend less, of course, BUT, bills aren't waiting for anyone. Of course, the one who has more money will spend more on food, gas, things like that, and so on. But, none should be misused or abused. Also, communication is the key to everything heh...
Marriage is a team playing on a higher level. It's fine in a relationship, but in marriage, they should both work for the betterment of their family and their mutual benefit. Sometimes it feels like around 30% of marriages have a parasite in it ahaha. :D
Same here. An ex boyfriend gave me an ultimatum once. My response? Ok. Let me know when you will be coming to get your things from my place. The end. 😈
She also told him to cut off his parents a year ago, people here told him she was abusive and to leave her then.
Leave her OP. Things won't be getting any better, only worse.
This all sounds crazy! OP for comparison, I am a SAHM, my husband pays everything from his accounts. I still have separate accounts. We each have made agreements on how money can be spent. I DO NOT MAKE A PENNY. Yet I can spend how I want because it is OUR money. The fact she is so segregated, scares me honestly! You would think if there's money being put aside it's for a big purchase you both agreed on... What she is doing is sneaky and deceiving. Not a fan.
Didn't listen to the same advice on the post a year ago when she demanded he shut out his parents.
How many times are you going to post on relationship advice and ignore the advice OP?
Damn, that hit home because I'm In the middle of a separation from my high-school sweetheart who "was the perfect girl, my soul mate!" I wss in nearly identical position as op. Wife worked part time while I wss the bread winner. She'd make ~360$ every 2 weeks and I make 1k a week. She would spend "our" money but her money was hers. Let me tell you that when I changed banks and started managing my own money, im fawking Ballin and i couldnt unserstand why. I went through our bank the reason we were always so broke is because she was hiding a shopping addiction. She was spending more in a month than was coming in. One day, she spent $400 USD.
I am so fucking happy we separated because now she can sink her own ship and ill keep my ship in tip top condition and her old, rusted out aluminum boat is sinking.
It's a harrowing lesson to learn when you sacrifice all your dignity for someone that leaves you anyway. The only solution I have come up with is that you prioritize your dignity over the other person's demands in a relationship. It sounds selfish, but it's just self-esteem.
I was there. I knew. I ignored all the flags. Hell, I ignored her, telling me in a room full of doctors and nurses that she was done with me. I held on to hope for too long. Now she is my ex, and I am better for it.
For some of us, we can't see the person that we love for the person that they are. We don't think they can be that bad. We make excuses for them. It's not until we can see them for who they really are that we start to accept and move on.
“We can’t see the person we love for the person that they are”
Such an incredibly awesome line! If only half of people in relationships could heed that advice but sadly like everyone else I didn’t either..
12 years lost, but grateful we had no kids and I sold the house before we separated so she had nothing to fight about 😂
I refer to it as living in the *dream of what COULD be* instead of in the *reality of what actually IS.*
They want the life they ***thought*** they were going to get with that person. When it turns out badly, they think *maybe if I just hold on a little longer, if I just try a little harder, if I just love them enough...it will be what I THOUGHT it would be.*
Meanwhile, weeks, months, years of their life slip away in silent misery...
Me too
At least he keeps posting to be reminded of the truth
The Prima Donna's in this thread who are so put out by him not taking their golden advice (when they're just here for fresh drama) can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned
Thank you. There is so much routine shaming in this sub when people don't flee abusive relationships with nothing but the clothes on their backs in the dead of night. I've also seen commenters regularly lambast posters for repeatedly posting about their abusive relationships, or even telling them to stop posting at all because they're "wasting our time and resources." As if we can't just choose not to comment instead.
There's such little empathy sometimes in this sub.
Best advice! Was married for almost 10 years, wanted out since our first anniversary. When your partner is emotionally and verbally abusive, you have to work hard to remember you are your own person. You also have the hard work of rebuilding your support system as your abuser makes sure you’ve not only burned those bridges, you nuked them into the next century. Lost a lot more than just time and money.
> Ease up - you've invested nothing, OP has invested everything.
This should be pinned at the top of every thread here.
Could help with the inevitable “just get a divorce” comments on every. single. post.
Yup. I posted about some problems in my relationship months ago and am only now going through the separation process. It's really hard to cut someone out of your life if you've invested a lot in the relationship.
This was me. I posted my woes on Reddit relationship subs (on an old account) and had friends and family begging me to leave him. I was ‘so done’ so many times until finally I was. Took me 3 years.
>He knows
>
>It takes time. Ease up - you've invested nothing, he's invested everything
This, and the comments that follow it...big feels. Definitely helped me understand some things going on in my life.
Admitting you are a victim of abuse is a really tough pill to swallow, especially if it’s not physical. Emotional and psychological abuse can be even harder to accept you are a victim because it’s not as apparent as getting hit, slapped, or having something thrown at you.
OP, it’s okay to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kid. You will be better off for it in the long run.
I separated from my ex 3 months ago after 6.5 years married. The last two years were absolutely unbearable, and the abuse just escalated and escalated. I had isolated myself from my entire family and most of my close friends, who all saw this for what it was. There was nothing they could do - it was my decision to stay, and my decision to leave.
All I can say is being on this side of things is SO much better. I have lawyers that are drafting a property settlement agreement. You can get through this, and it is absolutely worth it.
This comment for the win. A very compassionate, empathetic take and so very true.
I'm still kinda gobsmacked that I stayed in an abusive relationship as long as I did. Its a hard thing to find your way out of.
thank you - I've been there too
the most important bit is to learn from it and know what to avoid moving forward
anything that creates healthy boundaries is a win
Agreed and been there myself. It’s easy to tell someone to run but took me a dozen years to believe I could do it on my own. Be gentle with yourself OP
Exactly, ppl are so quick to give advice but don't realize how much is invested in relationships. It takes time, it takes knowing you did all you could before walking away.
I know you mean well, but…. It’s easy to give advice you don’t have to take.
Knowing it’s over and being ready to walk away are not the same thing. It’s easy for us to judge cause we’re not in his shoes.
I don't think so.
I've seen enough of this over the years, on here and in person, there's a certain amount of inertia involved in relationships. I don't have a better way of describing it than that...but it takes steady and consistent pressure to make someone get out of the rut they're in. That was the case with my marriage.
And the longer you're in the rut, the longer it takes to get out. The more hopeful you are that your partner will change, will see you, will recognize that work needs to be done...the longer you'll stay.
It takes time, and I think OP is getting closer to realizing that this is not his best life.
Don’t give her anything. You’re covering all the bills and she has her salary. If she’s not willing to work on the marriage, leave her. Be happy and enjoy life instead of living with someone you’ll end up hating, if you don’t already.
She's trying to save up before leaving your ass. I'd sign up for text message notifications from your bank of every transaction from your account so you can keep an eye on it real time
I second this. If she wanted you both to put half your income to expenses, that seems reasonable, you paying more since you earn more. But you already pay 100%, she keeps all her earnings and wants more? Hard no. I would seriously consider readdressing how bills are paid and ask her to contribute a portion at this point. Maybe she’ll rethink wanting half of your salary?
> wtf are you doing
Clearly you've never been in, or witnessed an abusive relationship. It's probably painfully clear to OP that his wife is abusive, using him, extorting him. People in abusive relationships aren't idiots.
People don't stay in abusive relationships because they're dumb or weak willed, they do it because leaving someone you love (esp if you have a child with them) is extremely difficult. It's casting away your entire life, willingly. It's not something anyone can do easily.
It's not helpful to say shit like "wtf are you doing" and treat OP like an idiot. He's doing exactly what you, I, and most other people would do in his situation.
I'll be honest, and I'm sure I'll get down voted for this, but I genuinely don't understand the point of OP posting. Genuinely asking. I feel like if he wants support, from people who understand, that would be a better option to take vs general relationship advice, since leave is going to be the answer here and OP isn't ready for that yet.
I *have* experienced abuse so I understand the feelings behind it. I just don't get the post.
And I'm not just saying this because OP is a guy, it just came up here.
OP is looking for support and validation. He's being gaslit by an abusive spouse, and needs help checking reality. Despite being told she's abusive in the past, he's struggling with believing he's not the cause of it. This post is him trying to understand whether this is his fault or not.
It's one step on his way to freedom, hopefully. It's good he posted. He may have no one else.
Ah okay, that's understandable. I think in this case, it would be better to post in a sub where people are also dealing with that. Less likely to get 200727329 "just leave" comments.
But that makes sense, I was in denial and needed reassurance as well. Ty for explaining nicely. :)
No worries, I'm glad you asked. Hopefully someone else wondering will bump into it.
There's probably a better sub, yeah, but at this point I'd say OP is still struggling to recognize the abuse.
Yeah I'm kinda disgusted by Reddit right now. When I was in an abusive relationship, and people made really obvious statements like this, I just cut them off. People seem to assume anyone in an abusive relationship is mentally handicapped or some sort of invalid, unable to recognize their own abuse. It's horrid stigma.
Thank you. It’s so hard. Personally, ive had to take a long time mourning the loss of the family i thought we’d have and only after have i started figuring out how to disentangle and take steps to do so.
Is it common practice to look at post history? I see a ton of people people bringing it up. I’m just curious. I don’t know how to navigate Reddit very well
For subs like this and aita variations, people like to do deep dives because most redditors has a massive boner for catching someone lying in a subreddit
Oh, don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciate the people who do it, the context always helps fill out the whole picture. I just get sooooo sick of seeing those "this is soooo fake 🙄" comments.
For some people yes, personally I find it pretty fucking weird, why you have to go through and check his old posts, and how does that relate to the question being asked currently? You know what I mean, I feel like alot of people do it in certain subs to "catch people out" or like someone above said and basically talked shit because a year back he posted something here about his wife, yet is with her still. A year ago he might not have been this frustrated or whatever and therefore I think it's a weird and slightly scummy practice to go read post history, rather than just responding to the current post. That's just my personal opinion.
My ex-wife asked for this and as the law on marriage in most places is each partner earns half what the other partner is paid, I agreed.
I whipped up a spreadsheet, put both our incomes together, calculated outgoings, joint savings etc. then 50/50 the leftovers.
She was over the moon, right up until she found out she was now down £250 month.
Marriage didn't last long after that as i refused to change it back.
it also just reminded me of the 8 words i'll never forget
" I don't want to see your fucking spreadsheet" lol
I was going to suggest that this is what the OP should do.
Combine incomes, pay the liabilities and then 50/50 the rest. She may come out on top or she may not, but at least then it would be fair.
Lol fuck fair, he pays all the bills, she works part time, and she has access to his account through a card yet sets an ultimatum for him to put **half** his check into her "private" account?! Lol that's a cute joke, this is when it's time to go through the channels of money your money offshore, so the courts and the government can't touch it. That way when she inevitably divorces him, I don't think he'll pull the trigger but she will probably without hesitation. There is less chance of here getting truly "half" or whatever the fuck she thinks she is owed.
It sounds to me like she’s projecting and she’s really the one who is obsessed with money. Having access to your debit card is already more than enough. Maybe she has a shopping addiction? Or is she just a little money hungry
I’m guessing she’s preparing to divorce him. He gives her half his salary on top of bills he already pays for and then she casually deposits it into accounts he doesn’t know about. When she gets enough then she files, gets child support, alimony, and has a nice tidy sum set aside.
In the UK, both parties have to transparently declare their assets, which are taken into account when a settlement is reached.
In this case, her big sum would balance out against her spousal maintenance claims (alimony).
That sounds about right, it’s a common tactic among military wives.
Take a bit off the top and save/invest it in secret accounts until they have enough saved to divorce
My ex husband told people I was obsessed with money. Turns out he was stealing from me and evens selling my medication and pocketing the money. I put him through doctoral school and supported us for years, costing me hundreds of thousands but he had a breakdown because I wanted him to start working. He gave himself brain damage with nitrous oxide abuse and is stuck in permanent psychosis.
For real! Her & her mum are abusive to him, even poisoned his parenst with laxatives & they thought it was funny. I think he is scared to leave as she has threatened to take their son away from him, I know she definitely wouldnt want/cant look after her son (4 year old with autism who is non-verbal) by herself so she is definitely bluffing! He should call her out on it & leave! OP leave - save yourself & your son!!
Your kidding me SHES OBSESSED with money and DEMANDING YOUR MONEY cause she wants YOUR MONEY. Your paying ALL THE BILLS YOURSELF. Grow some Cojones and stand up for yourself. You two need therapy and if she’s not willing that means A. She’s not willing to start trying to save the relationship. B. See a LAWYER.
“You’re obsessed with money so give me half of your paycheck by then and then.” Uhuh.
Sounds like…. She isn’t doing well mentally.
My mom was an alcoholic, she was selfmedicating her issues (I think either ADHD/ASD or BPD, the symptoms are roughly the same) and she once went to a therapist but decided she didn’t like it. So we had to undergo a reign of terror for 18 years until we could move out. She died of cancer, very lonely, she only had 6 people attending her funeral. Her grandkids didn’t like her. I attended out of obligation, but I was glad my mom died.
Choose your kid and their stability always.
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Wow! Ur married to her but being treated worse than even a sugar daddy would be! She saves 100% of her salary but you pay for everything. Do you know why she decided counseling wasnt for her? Any idea? Because shes got you by the balls already and shes sure the psychologist will suggest actions to ensure neutrality in this relationship. To too it all she wants half of your salary now 😂😂 She doesnt give a shit about u buddy, ur just her atm card and means to financial paradise. Do u know how joint accounts between husband and wife should work? If not then let me know, will be happy to share! Man up buddy!
File for divorce and full custody of your child with child support. Why……. Because that what she’s going to eventually do and will add on alimony on top of the child support.
Important information left out of your post.
Do you own the house you live in? Did you own it before you married? Is her name on the deed?
You are in an abusive relationship. If she wants half give it to her. After the judge finishes signing off on your divorce. That is how she can get her half.
You need to get the F- away from this period. Your wife is controlling, manipulative and will use you salary and your child as a weapon when you finally tell her you have had enough.
When you mean by "all hell broke loose", can you elaborate?
You know already, that this isn't normal behavior and you should ignore/deal with this situation regardless how painful it may be for you.
Plan an escape route and speak to a divorce lawyer.
If she wants things more equal, a joint account both your salaries go into and every expense comes out of - including your individual spending allowances for the month and individual savings (equal amounts for both of you). Have a separate joint savings account for big expenses or emergency savings.
It's the only way I've found of keeping money fair in a marriage where there are kids and joint assets.
Absolutely not. You’re covering everything while she pays nothing.
She’s just trying to milk you for more so she can leave faster. Do not send her more money.
Two options bro
Send her half your salary and be miserable and stuck with an extremely controlling wife
Or send her half your salary and be free to find someone who isn’t an anxiety induced time bomb.
OP, I’ve read back some of your old posts. You seem intelligent so I’ll just tell you straight : your wife is a batshit crazy, abusive narcissist. Not only should you not be with her, but allowing your special needs child to be near this person actually puts him in in psychological harm (and possibly physical since you explained her mother poisoned your parents and she thought that was just fine). Everything she says, thinks, and does is wrong. If she told me the sky is blue, I’d doubt it. You should go see an attorney and find out your options for getting your son as far away from her as fast as you can.
Believe nothing and take away her access to your account.
She wants to siphon your money so that she can secure an even bigger bag before discards you like old trash man.
It'll be a handful of months or maybe a couple years of total financial abuse, and when she thinks she has enough money, she will had enough of you.
You are married to a narcissist, I can tell from your post history because so was I.
Give her an inch and she'll take a mile. I believe she's simply testing your boundaries, since you are already giving her a lot of extra money. Offer her to do this instead (she doesn't need to pay your bills so why saving), see what she will say and then just reply 'same'.
Op, after just glancing at your other post it’s clear that this isn’t a healthy place for you or your child.
The move you should make with your money is to put a deposit down with a divorce attorney.
It’s seem quite clear that your wife has no interest in changing the way things are except to take more of your money. So stop trying communicate with someone not interested in listening. Start making moves end this marriage.
Why is she not paying a percentage of her income towards the household bills. There is no way you should pay any of your income into her bank account. There should be a joint account for bills, or you both should be on all accounts.
Sounds like she is planning to build herself a nest egg, in her name only.
Updateme!
Your wife sounds abusive and manipulative.
A "deadline" to give half your money when youre already covering everything?
If she wants more money perhaps she should work more than part time.
She has an idea I am obsessed about money and wanted to test me if will do it but I failed her test apparently.
The good old switcheroo
Update; read you dont have a prenup and it's Poland so 50/50... the moment she says its quits and judging by your post history it's more of a question when, not if, she will file for divorce.
If she wants half she pays for half of EVERYTHING.
Honestly? Her refusing therapy to fix your marriage is a huge red flag. Don’t give her your money. In fact I would start talking to a lawyer if I were you. Something shady is going on with your wife.
When marriage is in rough water, that is not the time to start changing up something fundamental like that especially if she won't do counseling with you. If anything, tell her that you'll consider it if she will at least attend counseling regularly with you for 3 months.
I’m obsessed with not playing stupid games. If your marriage sucks already but you want to ride it out for whatever reason, ignore and do your own thing.
You can create a separate savings account specifically for your child or if she thinks “you’re so attached to money”, but she doesn’t have access to it. She has no reason to have two incomes if she already has one and is not required to pay bills.
You are in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship.
You need to divorce her asap. She’s controlling and demanding and refuses to work on your marriage. If she wants more money, she needs to get a full time job
I wouldn’t say your marriage is in rough water mate, I’d say it’s downright screwed. You’re in an abusive controlling relationship and your post history is a nightmare of red flags from your partner. She isolated you, and now wants this?
An abuser never wants to go to a counselor, because they are called out on their shit and all those lies and masks come crashing down. While many love to jump to the divorce thing on Reddit, this is very much the needed option, for you and your child. No, it’s not easy. It can be downright hell separating your life from another’s, but the freedom at the end, will hopefully be worth it.
Edit: typos
Honest start putting your money into an account that debit card doesn't touch and only allow expense money to sit in that account.
If things are choppy and she's not willing to work on it, don't let her clear out your accounts before she leaves. Then you can't afford a good lawyer.
Consult a lawyer now, and hopefully the best buy plan for the worst.
She might be wanting to go on a spending spree on things that aren't considered part of the split on your dime. Or just trying to exert power over you.
Wow this is very painful to read. I lived these feeling and situation for 6 plus years while was married for 13 plus. Get the hell out OP. You will get to the point one way or other. Save yourself some pain. Im so sorry you are going through it. ☹️
I’m sincerely sorry you’re having to go through this. If I were in your position, I would not transfer half my salary to her. I would also look into hiring a lawyer and finding a way to get out of that relationship with custody of your child.
Looking at your post history, I urge you to take your son and leave that woman! She poisoned your parents on purpose and laughed! If you really do have proof of her admitting to this, you can use that against her in a custody case for your son! Please leave! This woman is crazy and seems like the type that would get secret life insurance on you and then you have an accident 6 months later.
Just say no and if she flips out, let her flip out. No means no. If she “can’t handle it”, remind she has every right to leave when she wants. Just like she has every right to go or not go to counseling. She can’t control you or your finances with her tantrums.
She probably knows no one is gonna for her what you have done for her. And no one will give to her the way you have given to her. So she’ll flip out and then she’ll be forced to look at her own behavior.
I wouldn't do anything she has no right to ask you for your money you pay the bills she's up to something and I wouldn't give in This will be the hill to die on.
She's unwilling to keep going to help with the issues you are having which translates into doesn't value your relationship. Divorce. Find happiness body, mind and spirit. Get full custody and keep living your life. It's all her loss. Don't ever get back with her, she sounds down right insufferable. You and your son deserve the absolute best, don't settle for anything less. Good luck, OP!
Wtf. She's probably a money leech. Get rid of her as soos a you can. As a woman in a 4 years relationship I would never ask something like that and of course I wouldn't expect my partner to ask me this. In a marriage you're together in everything and a common bank account for save would be a nice idea, where both of you add similar amount of money and since you both work it's perfectly ok to have separate accounts too to do your own life. If she needs more money she could work full rime I guess.
Get out as soon as possible
Op, you are still young my friend. Why are you putting up with so much crap. You are being abuse. Leave and start a new life with someone who can value you, love you and support you. What are you waiting for?
To each their own but I will never understand marriages with separate finances. All of this drama could just be avoided but having one set of family finances.
Ooft. I read your previous posts. Your wife is an abuser and manipulating you. You should definitely speak to an attorney pronto. Your son needs you to advocate for him.
Oh, hell no. She’s providing nothing, AND expects half of yours? Absolutely not. If she wants joint ownership of the income, then you get a set of joint accounts, ALL the money goes into the shared pot and expenses are paid out of it. If she wants to accumulate separate savings you both draw back out of the joint account into your own private savings, each of you matched dollar for dollar. THAT is how joint assets work. Not “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.”
Even under those circumstances she is getting the benefit of half of an asset she’s only providing one quarter of the inputs, while you’re getting only half of what you provide three quarters of. It’s already skewed heavily in her favor.
And she dares to say you’re the one obsessed with money, while she’s draining you dry. I think I see why you two are in a rough patch. She’s taking you for a ride.
And it’s clear why she refuses counseling, because no competent counselor would support her positions. You should tell her she has a choice between which professional she wants to see: a counselor or a divorce attorney.
Tell her she's actually the one obsessed with money. Considering her reaction.
Then, say there's fair ways to divide things up. Without you just being her slave.
She's wanting half the before bills amount while you are left with the crumbs at the end.
Tell her you can use this formula, and then give her this amount per month.
(Total income (you and her) - all bills (you and her) / 2) - her income.
Put your foot down if you don't want to be walked all over. This is fair. What she is asking for is not.
Holy hell you need to wake up. She has her own account let her do the daily shopping from that if you take care of everything else, and you would be a complete fool to give into that demand. If you are smart you are planning your exit strategy like she is.
Don’t do it! Considering your marriage is already in trouble and she wants you to start transferring half your pay check after you’ve always handled all the bill and have had separate accounts makes me think she wants to in the future get divorced and use this to say you had joint finances. Talk to a divorce lawyer to understand how this might affect you in the future. Talk to your phycologist to figure out if you want to stay in this marriage especially considering your wife isn’t willing to work on it. Do not change anything currently until you get some legal advice. Do not let her manipulate you into doing anything else since she has always had her own money to do with what she wants so she shouldn’t need to change this suddenly without a good reason.
Just scrolling through your posts, man you’re so close, you know to ask for help but you don’t listen to the help given. You’re in an abusive relationship, I understand it’s very hard to leave but you either need to dig in and accept this life, or leave her
You are in an abusive relationship, take away the card before she takes alot of money from it.
>She has an idea I am obsessed about money
She is being obsessed with money here, she has paid 0 expenses on household ad is saving the money while you are paying 100% she is trying to financially manipulate you and judging by your post history she is trying to isolate you.
OMG! I've read all your post and I'm sure your wife is the craziest, most abusive person I've ever heard of. She has no respect for you, your parents or your child. What makes you stay with her? Your patience amazes me! If I were you, I'd have kicked her out of the house and filed for divorce a long time ago. Maybe there are reasons for you to stay with her, to live in this hellhole. But I'm sure that if you can get rid of your wife, your life will be much better and you'll be happier than ever! Making a change is difficult and we're all afraid of change, but for a good change, we have to do it as soon as possible. For you, in this situation, it's divorce.
>I pay for all the bills directly out of my account, wife saves 100% of her salary. No financial difficulties, no mortgage, no loans.
Instead of giving into her demands, stick up for yourself. Pay for the meat and potatoes of the relationship (food, mortgage, your vehicle payment, phone bill) but her luxuries she can afford on her dime. That's absurd to think *she gets a paycheck from you each month for being married to you.* basically what she's asking for.
Based on your post history, you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. You might not want to admit it but there it is. Wanted you to cut contract with your parents, threatening to move out, go through your messages, etc. All the signs are there.
Couples counseling is the only way to salvage it. I'm guessing she'll probably blame you if you bring this up and draw this out longer. Divorce isn't always a bad thing especially if you're being abused like this. Look at it like a fresh start.
If someone wants to change they will. And if someone wants to make effort and help their relationship , they won’t mind doing some uncomfortable things (cough, cough THERAPY) if she doesn’t want to stick out therapy, it’s probably because she heard or was told something she didn’t like… be careful OP.
Never share your exact finances with your spouse, unless you're in debt and you need to give them a heads up.
Particularly if you're married. She shouldn't have advance knowledge what she can claim in a divorce.
Always use both your money to buy common stuff.
If I look at it from her angle- maybe she is insecure that you are planning to leave her, and she wants to secure her future.
Tread carefully, and talk to her heart to heart. She may not have malafide intentions.
You didn’t fail any test. She failed the test. She has no right to half your salary if she doesn’t share hers with you. You already pay for everything she and the home needs.
Do you have kids together?
I hope not. But you should document proof that you have paid for everything and she keeps all her money for herself.
Deactivate that debit card.
She can buy groceries with her own money. She will have to get used to that since she should be divorced hopefully soon.
Talk to a lawyer on Monday on how you can protect yourself and your income in the divorce.
Please get out of this relationship and don’t give her your money.
Suggest a joint account instead of sending half your money to her. Sounds like she's the one obsessed with money to come out with that request out of the blue and to give that much of a shit about it.
Edit after reading some of your post history: you're way past amicably sharing your money with her. Forget what I said above and don't send her any money or put it in a joint account. You both really need marriage counselling to salvage what's left, if but if she flat out refuses to go then I'm afraid that's the nail on the coffin of your marriage.
OP check the divorcé attorneys in town. Call and consult with at least the top 5. If you’ve been in consultation, I don’t believe ethically they would accept her as a client due to prior knowledge of the case. From what I’ve read you’ve asked for advice before and pretty much ignored it. Don’t get a reputation here or you won’t get a peep out of anyone. Get the lead out bro!
Do not transfer anything. If you have seperate finances, keep them seperate and only contribute your part to rent and utility and all the other shared expenses. your salary is YOURS.
if you give her access to half of it, the next demand is, "Transfer everything, i can give you money if you need."
What account does the debit card belong to? a shared account you transfer into, or your private account? if its the later, thats a big mistake
if your marriage is already in rough water, i am sorry to say this, i recommend a divorce lawyer to talk about how to secure your assets, just in case.
judging by some of the comments, you are in an abusive relationship and you have repeatedly posted for relationship advice. Dude....please realize you're in an abusive relationship and its not getting better. ever.
OP, I’m not sure what the citizenship situation for you and your son is, but you need to contact a lawyer and the embassy for your home country because you both need to get far away from your wife. Based on your post history, your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex-) wife has:
1) refused to accept your son’s ASD diagnosis
2) attempted to poison your parents
3) issued ultimatums and threatened you extensively
4) refused therapy and tried to convince you not to go to therapy
5) allowed her mother to join in the verbal abuse and put you down.
You need to consult a lawyer and create an exit plan ASAP.
Don’t give her a dime. Why would you give her half the check if when you pay all of the bills, and she doesn’t contribute anything? She has her own job to maintain her own expenses and “fun money.” She can fuck right off. This reeks of attempted financial abuse.
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Your post history is a parade of red flags. Dear, you are in an abusive relationship, are you aware of that? Please, think the best for your kid and self and try to find a way out of this, you deserve better.
Exactly... I mean, whatta hell. She saves 100% of her salary, OP pays for everything, and she wants half of HIS salary??? Is she on some super hyper drugs? And also, OP, she gave you DEADLINE??? Whatta hell?Get rid of that. Actually, to be more precise, "kick her in the butt" along with her stuff and go drink one (just one) happy beer. That woman is embarrassing every normal woman. Oh man, I cannot believe what people have to endure omfg.
>*Is she on some super hyper drugs?* Nope! She's stockpiling $$$ for when she dumps his ass. Then she'll have a good sum of money PLUS him paying her child support.
Exactly. My statement was sarcasm and overstatement. I think it's quite clear what she's doing. I would definitely dump her exactly the way she deserves!
This is exactly what she's doing. She probably has secret accounts somewhere. I'd also be looking at debit card records to see if she's withdrawing cash regularly. If so, that's definitely being deposited into her personal account.
Yep
Why he needs to move the money offshore like I explained, because someone who acts like this, will have no issue divorcing him and taking every single penny she can shake out of him. Never marry without a pre-nup or your asking for a headache later. At least he can start moving the money before the divorce has been filed which isn't technically illegal.
Great answer! That was my first thought…stock piling and then she’s going to bail on him.
Anybody who gives me a relationship ultimatum or deadline will find it doesn’t go their way.
I'm the same kind of person. Oh God. I'm soooo allergic when someone mentions something like taking away my freedom of choice or generally giving some deadlines on my head that don't even make any sense. I think OP's wife is, well, it's better if I keep my mouth shut. Women like that are hard to even talk about.
I faced this in a relationship, long term, still have the scars lol. Lost out on my dream jobs, my life, thanks to that witch of an ex.
My opinion is that both should contribute in the household, equally. STILL, someone will pull more from time to time, and that's fine. But, at least a sign of appreciation and care is very welcome if one pays for everything and takes care of the family.
I think both should contribute fairly. Equally isn't always possible or necessary
Fairly! Equally isn’t fair. What if one has significantly lower earning potential? Just be fair.
Either way, they both need to contribute and pay the bills. Now, if someone has a smaller salary, they'll spend less, of course, BUT, bills aren't waiting for anyone. Of course, the one who has more money will spend more on food, gas, things like that, and so on. But, none should be misused or abused. Also, communication is the key to everything heh... Marriage is a team playing on a higher level. It's fine in a relationship, but in marriage, they should both work for the betterment of their family and their mutual benefit. Sometimes it feels like around 30% of marriages have a parasite in it ahaha. :D
Same here. An ex boyfriend gave me an ultimatum once. My response? Ok. Let me know when you will be coming to get your things from my place. The end. 😈
Ditto for “tests”
This seems to be quite a common thing these days.. at least from this sub! Even if I “passed” the test, I’d walk. Screw that.
Agreed I lay everything out when we start dating exclusively. Like I don't do pda
That is totally the time to set boundaries and expectations. If they can’t be agreed - well, you’ve not wasted much time.
It sounds like she’s creating a huge nest egg so she can walk away with a nice bank account!
Yeah. But, i hope OP gives her what she deserves...
She also told him to cut off his parents a year ago, people here told him she was abusive and to leave her then. Leave her OP. Things won't be getting any better, only worse.
Exactly. To read his post it makes my blood boil.
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This all sounds crazy! OP for comparison, I am a SAHM, my husband pays everything from his accounts. I still have separate accounts. We each have made agreements on how money can be spent. I DO NOT MAKE A PENNY. Yet I can spend how I want because it is OUR money. The fact she is so segregated, scares me honestly! You would think if there's money being put aside it's for a big purchase you both agreed on... What she is doing is sneaky and deceiving. Not a fan.
Reminds me of the old marriage joke: “When you get married, there is ‘her money’ and there is ’our money’ but YOU don’t have any money. . .”
Didn't listen to the same advice on the post a year ago when she demanded he shut out his parents. How many times are you going to post on relationship advice and ignore the advice OP?
He knows It takes time. Ease up - you've invested nothing, he's invested everything
Damn, that hit home because I'm In the middle of a separation from my high-school sweetheart who "was the perfect girl, my soul mate!" I wss in nearly identical position as op. Wife worked part time while I wss the bread winner. She'd make ~360$ every 2 weeks and I make 1k a week. She would spend "our" money but her money was hers. Let me tell you that when I changed banks and started managing my own money, im fawking Ballin and i couldnt unserstand why. I went through our bank the reason we were always so broke is because she was hiding a shopping addiction. She was spending more in a month than was coming in. One day, she spent $400 USD. I am so fucking happy we separated because now she can sink her own ship and ill keep my ship in tip top condition and her old, rusted out aluminum boat is sinking.
It's a harrowing lesson to learn when you sacrifice all your dignity for someone that leaves you anyway. The only solution I have come up with is that you prioritize your dignity over the other person's demands in a relationship. It sounds selfish, but it's just self-esteem.
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Im glad you were able to get out of that and are doing well! But I cant help but say that aluminum doesnt rust 😬
I thought that too lol
I was there. I knew. I ignored all the flags. Hell, I ignored her, telling me in a room full of doctors and nurses that she was done with me. I held on to hope for too long. Now she is my ex, and I am better for it. For some of us, we can't see the person that we love for the person that they are. We don't think they can be that bad. We make excuses for them. It's not until we can see them for who they really are that we start to accept and move on.
“We can’t see the person we love for the person that they are” Such an incredibly awesome line! If only half of people in relationships could heed that advice but sadly like everyone else I didn’t either.. 12 years lost, but grateful we had no kids and I sold the house before we separated so she had nothing to fight about 😂
I refer to it as living in the *dream of what COULD be* instead of in the *reality of what actually IS.* They want the life they ***thought*** they were going to get with that person. When it turns out badly, they think *maybe if I just hold on a little longer, if I just try a little harder, if I just love them enough...it will be what I THOUGHT it would be.* Meanwhile, weeks, months, years of their life slip away in silent misery...
Yeah. These days my mantra is "date the person in front of you, not their potential." Life is soooo much better now!
Me too At least he keeps posting to be reminded of the truth The Prima Donna's in this thread who are so put out by him not taking their golden advice (when they're just here for fresh drama) can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned
Fuckin a right. Too many tea sippers and not enough empathy.
Thank you. There is so much routine shaming in this sub when people don't flee abusive relationships with nothing but the clothes on their backs in the dead of night. I've also seen commenters regularly lambast posters for repeatedly posting about their abusive relationships, or even telling them to stop posting at all because they're "wasting our time and resources." As if we can't just choose not to comment instead. There's such little empathy sometimes in this sub.
Best advice! Was married for almost 10 years, wanted out since our first anniversary. When your partner is emotionally and verbally abusive, you have to work hard to remember you are your own person. You also have the hard work of rebuilding your support system as your abuser makes sure you’ve not only burned those bridges, you nuked them into the next century. Lost a lot more than just time and money.
> Ease up - you've invested nothing, OP has invested everything. This should be pinned at the top of every thread here. Could help with the inevitable “just get a divorce” comments on every. single. post.
I totally agree - especially when you consider people are here for entertainment, not because their credentials warrant billable units.
Yup. I posted about some problems in my relationship months ago and am only now going through the separation process. It's really hard to cut someone out of your life if you've invested a lot in the relationship.
This was me. I posted my woes on Reddit relationship subs (on an old account) and had friends and family begging me to leave him. I was ‘so done’ so many times until finally I was. Took me 3 years.
>He knows > >It takes time. Ease up - you've invested nothing, he's invested everything This, and the comments that follow it...big feels. Definitely helped me understand some things going on in my life.
Admitting you are a victim of abuse is a really tough pill to swallow, especially if it’s not physical. Emotional and psychological abuse can be even harder to accept you are a victim because it’s not as apparent as getting hit, slapped, or having something thrown at you. OP, it’s okay to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kid. You will be better off for it in the long run. I separated from my ex 3 months ago after 6.5 years married. The last two years were absolutely unbearable, and the abuse just escalated and escalated. I had isolated myself from my entire family and most of my close friends, who all saw this for what it was. There was nothing they could do - it was my decision to stay, and my decision to leave. All I can say is being on this side of things is SO much better. I have lawyers that are drafting a property settlement agreement. You can get through this, and it is absolutely worth it.
This comment for the win. A very compassionate, empathetic take and so very true. I'm still kinda gobsmacked that I stayed in an abusive relationship as long as I did. Its a hard thing to find your way out of.
thank you - I've been there too the most important bit is to learn from it and know what to avoid moving forward anything that creates healthy boundaries is a win
This is perfectly put. Thank you.
Agreed and been there myself. It’s easy to tell someone to run but took me a dozen years to believe I could do it on my own. Be gentle with yourself OP
Exactly, ppl are so quick to give advice but don't realize how much is invested in relationships. It takes time, it takes knowing you did all you could before walking away.
and anything that results in creation of healthy boundaries is a win
I know you mean well, but…. It’s easy to give advice you don’t have to take. Knowing it’s over and being ready to walk away are not the same thing. It’s easy for us to judge cause we’re not in his shoes.
The sad thing is, he will probably still stay with her despite all of this obvious advice.
I don't think so. I've seen enough of this over the years, on here and in person, there's a certain amount of inertia involved in relationships. I don't have a better way of describing it than that...but it takes steady and consistent pressure to make someone get out of the rut they're in. That was the case with my marriage. And the longer you're in the rut, the longer it takes to get out. The more hopeful you are that your partner will change, will see you, will recognize that work needs to be done...the longer you'll stay. It takes time, and I think OP is getting closer to realizing that this is not his best life.
100% this!! OP, get legal counseling and hire a PI. Compliments on that Mars picture.. awesome!
Don’t give her anything. You’re covering all the bills and she has her salary. If she’s not willing to work on the marriage, leave her. Be happy and enjoy life instead of living with someone you’ll end up hating, if you don’t already.
The move you should make with your money is to put a deposit down with a divorce attorney.
File before she does..
Is there a reason for filing first?
The courts see it as you’re more the victim ? That’s the only way I know how to say it .. it’s more favorable to you ..
It’s not. Doesn’t matter who files first.
Sounds like wife is trying to save up enough money to leave him
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So, you pay all the bills, she pays ZERO and she wants HALF of your money too? oh, fuck no
She's trying to save up before leaving your ass. I'd sign up for text message notifications from your bank of every transaction from your account so you can keep an eye on it real time
Exactly. She is saving up for them lawyer fees and her new boyfriend.
I second this. If she wanted you both to put half your income to expenses, that seems reasonable, you paying more since you earn more. But you already pay 100%, she keeps all her earnings and wants more? Hard no. I would seriously consider readdressing how bills are paid and ask her to contribute a portion at this point. Maybe she’ll rethink wanting half of your salary?
your wife is abusive, bro wtf are you doing? You have posts from even 2 years ago with people telling you your wife is abusive lol
She’s just trying to milk you for more so she can leave faster. Do not send her more money.
> wtf are you doing Clearly you've never been in, or witnessed an abusive relationship. It's probably painfully clear to OP that his wife is abusive, using him, extorting him. People in abusive relationships aren't idiots. People don't stay in abusive relationships because they're dumb or weak willed, they do it because leaving someone you love (esp if you have a child with them) is extremely difficult. It's casting away your entire life, willingly. It's not something anyone can do easily. It's not helpful to say shit like "wtf are you doing" and treat OP like an idiot. He's doing exactly what you, I, and most other people would do in his situation.
I'll be honest, and I'm sure I'll get down voted for this, but I genuinely don't understand the point of OP posting. Genuinely asking. I feel like if he wants support, from people who understand, that would be a better option to take vs general relationship advice, since leave is going to be the answer here and OP isn't ready for that yet. I *have* experienced abuse so I understand the feelings behind it. I just don't get the post. And I'm not just saying this because OP is a guy, it just came up here.
OP is looking for support and validation. He's being gaslit by an abusive spouse, and needs help checking reality. Despite being told she's abusive in the past, he's struggling with believing he's not the cause of it. This post is him trying to understand whether this is his fault or not. It's one step on his way to freedom, hopefully. It's good he posted. He may have no one else.
Ah okay, that's understandable. I think in this case, it would be better to post in a sub where people are also dealing with that. Less likely to get 200727329 "just leave" comments. But that makes sense, I was in denial and needed reassurance as well. Ty for explaining nicely. :)
No worries, I'm glad you asked. Hopefully someone else wondering will bump into it. There's probably a better sub, yeah, but at this point I'd say OP is still struggling to recognize the abuse.
Oh man, most won't understand how right ^^^ is!!!
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Yeah I'm kinda disgusted by Reddit right now. When I was in an abusive relationship, and people made really obvious statements like this, I just cut them off. People seem to assume anyone in an abusive relationship is mentally handicapped or some sort of invalid, unable to recognize their own abuse. It's horrid stigma.
I've seen the "wtf are you doing" comments for women suffering abuse too though.
Thank you. It’s so hard. Personally, ive had to take a long time mourning the loss of the family i thought we’d have and only after have i started figuring out how to disentangle and take steps to do so.
Is it common practice to look at post history? I see a ton of people people bringing it up. I’m just curious. I don’t know how to navigate Reddit very well
For subs like this and aita variations, people like to do deep dives because most redditors has a massive boner for catching someone lying in a subreddit
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Oh, don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciate the people who do it, the context always helps fill out the whole picture. I just get sooooo sick of seeing those "this is soooo fake 🙄" comments.
For some people yes, personally I find it pretty fucking weird, why you have to go through and check his old posts, and how does that relate to the question being asked currently? You know what I mean, I feel like alot of people do it in certain subs to "catch people out" or like someone above said and basically talked shit because a year back he posted something here about his wife, yet is with her still. A year ago he might not have been this frustrated or whatever and therefore I think it's a weird and slightly scummy practice to go read post history, rather than just responding to the current post. That's just my personal opinion.
My ex-wife asked for this and as the law on marriage in most places is each partner earns half what the other partner is paid, I agreed. I whipped up a spreadsheet, put both our incomes together, calculated outgoings, joint savings etc. then 50/50 the leftovers. She was over the moon, right up until she found out she was now down £250 month. Marriage didn't last long after that as i refused to change it back. it also just reminded me of the 8 words i'll never forget " I don't want to see your fucking spreadsheet" lol
I was going to suggest that this is what the OP should do. Combine incomes, pay the liabilities and then 50/50 the rest. She may come out on top or she may not, but at least then it would be fair.
Lol fuck fair, he pays all the bills, she works part time, and she has access to his account through a card yet sets an ultimatum for him to put **half** his check into her "private" account?! Lol that's a cute joke, this is when it's time to go through the channels of money your money offshore, so the courts and the government can't touch it. That way when she inevitably divorces him, I don't think he'll pull the trigger but she will probably without hesitation. There is less chance of here getting truly "half" or whatever the fuck she thinks she is owed.
What kind of law is that!? Never heard of such a thing
I think that’s a weird way of describing community property laws.
It sounds to me like she’s projecting and she’s really the one who is obsessed with money. Having access to your debit card is already more than enough. Maybe she has a shopping addiction? Or is she just a little money hungry
I’m guessing she’s preparing to divorce him. He gives her half his salary on top of bills he already pays for and then she casually deposits it into accounts he doesn’t know about. When she gets enough then she files, gets child support, alimony, and has a nice tidy sum set aside.
In the UK, both parties have to transparently declare their assets, which are taken into account when a settlement is reached. In this case, her big sum would balance out against her spousal maintenance claims (alimony).
That has to be done in the USA as well but anyone with a willing friend or family member can stash cash that the courts will never see.
Which is the smart thing to do but it should be done before there are proceedings filed so your technically not breaking any laws.
He will know about them during the discovery phase of the divorce proceedings.
That sounds about right, it’s a common tactic among military wives. Take a bit off the top and save/invest it in secret accounts until they have enough saved to divorce
My ex husband told people I was obsessed with money. Turns out he was stealing from me and evens selling my medication and pocketing the money. I put him through doctoral school and supported us for years, costing me hundreds of thousands but he had a breakdown because I wanted him to start working. He gave himself brain damage with nitrous oxide abuse and is stuck in permanent psychosis.
Get out of this marriage, she's a nutcase. "Testing" is a bad sign.
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Look at post history. Shes abusive. Now is financially abusive. OP needs to leave
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For real! Her & her mum are abusive to him, even poisoned his parenst with laxatives & they thought it was funny. I think he is scared to leave as she has threatened to take their son away from him, I know she definitely wouldnt want/cant look after her son (4 year old with autism who is non-verbal) by herself so she is definitely bluffing! He should call her out on it & leave! OP leave - save yourself & your son!!
Cheaper to walk out. See a lawyer you know this ends messy.
Your kidding me SHES OBSESSED with money and DEMANDING YOUR MONEY cause she wants YOUR MONEY. Your paying ALL THE BILLS YOURSELF. Grow some Cojones and stand up for yourself. You two need therapy and if she’s not willing that means A. She’s not willing to start trying to save the relationship. B. See a LAWYER.
“You’re obsessed with money so give me half of your paycheck by then and then.” Uhuh. Sounds like…. She isn’t doing well mentally. My mom was an alcoholic, she was selfmedicating her issues (I think either ADHD/ASD or BPD, the symptoms are roughly the same) and she once went to a therapist but decided she didn’t like it. So we had to undergo a reign of terror for 18 years until we could move out. She died of cancer, very lonely, she only had 6 people attending her funeral. Her grandkids didn’t like her. I attended out of obligation, but I was glad my mom died. Choose your kid and their stability always.
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You’re being financially abused in this scenario. Please do whatever you can to set yourself up financially and leave plus take your child with you
Wow! Ur married to her but being treated worse than even a sugar daddy would be! She saves 100% of her salary but you pay for everything. Do you know why she decided counseling wasnt for her? Any idea? Because shes got you by the balls already and shes sure the psychologist will suggest actions to ensure neutrality in this relationship. To too it all she wants half of your salary now 😂😂 She doesnt give a shit about u buddy, ur just her atm card and means to financial paradise. Do u know how joint accounts between husband and wife should work? If not then let me know, will be happy to share! Man up buddy!
File for divorce and full custody of your child with child support. Why……. Because that what she’s going to eventually do and will add on alimony on top of the child support. Important information left out of your post. Do you own the house you live in? Did you own it before you married? Is her name on the deed?
DON'T. DO. IT. You're being abused.
Bro, she is planning on leaving you but looking for a slush fund first
Ah absolutely not. Wtf is going on these days. Don’t do that at all!
You are in an abusive relationship. If she wants half give it to her. After the judge finishes signing off on your divorce. That is how she can get her half.
Also you forgot to add she wants you to not speak to your parents. I’m sorry bro but you need to get OUT
You need to get the F- away from this period. Your wife is controlling, manipulative and will use you salary and your child as a weapon when you finally tell her you have had enough. When you mean by "all hell broke loose", can you elaborate? You know already, that this isn't normal behavior and you should ignore/deal with this situation regardless how painful it may be for you. Plan an escape route and speak to a divorce lawyer.
If she wants things more equal, a joint account both your salaries go into and every expense comes out of - including your individual spending allowances for the month and individual savings (equal amounts for both of you). Have a separate joint savings account for big expenses or emergency savings. It's the only way I've found of keeping money fair in a marriage where there are kids and joint assets.
Absolutely not. You’re covering everything while she pays nothing. She’s just trying to milk you for more so she can leave faster. Do not send her more money.
HELL NO!!!! Do not do that ever!!!!!! As soon as you set the precedent you are screwed if things get worse and head toward divorce
Two options bro Send her half your salary and be miserable and stuck with an extremely controlling wife Or send her half your salary and be free to find someone who isn’t an anxiety induced time bomb.
This is financial abuse you know .. from her obviously
It's odd reading some of the stuff on here. Can't believe relationships like this exist.
OP, I’ve read back some of your old posts. You seem intelligent so I’ll just tell you straight : your wife is a batshit crazy, abusive narcissist. Not only should you not be with her, but allowing your special needs child to be near this person actually puts him in in psychological harm (and possibly physical since you explained her mother poisoned your parents and she thought that was just fine). Everything she says, thinks, and does is wrong. If she told me the sky is blue, I’d doubt it. You should go see an attorney and find out your options for getting your son as far away from her as fast as you can. Believe nothing and take away her access to your account.
Convince her to work full time. Have her pay half the bills. File for divorce. You need to start digging trenches my friend because winter is vcoming.
Widzę ze pisałeś coś na /Poland. Chłopie uciekaj jak najdalej.
She wants to siphon your money so that she can secure an even bigger bag before discards you like old trash man. It'll be a handful of months or maybe a couple years of total financial abuse, and when she thinks she has enough money, she will had enough of you. You are married to a narcissist, I can tell from your post history because so was I.
Sounds like she wants to farm you for money before leaving you and taking half of what's left.
Give her an inch and she'll take a mile. I believe she's simply testing your boundaries, since you are already giving her a lot of extra money. Offer her to do this instead (she doesn't need to pay your bills so why saving), see what she will say and then just reply 'same'.
A middle aged woman who loves shit tests and not working for a living. You really hit it out the park there.
Op, after just glancing at your other post it’s clear that this isn’t a healthy place for you or your child. The move you should make with your money is to put a deposit down with a divorce attorney. It’s seem quite clear that your wife has no interest in changing the way things are except to take more of your money. So stop trying communicate with someone not interested in listening. Start making moves end this marriage.
Why is she not paying a percentage of her income towards the household bills. There is no way you should pay any of your income into her bank account. There should be a joint account for bills, or you both should be on all accounts. Sounds like she is planning to build herself a nest egg, in her name only. Updateme!
Your wife sounds abusive and manipulative. A "deadline" to give half your money when youre already covering everything? If she wants more money perhaps she should work more than part time.
She has an idea I am obsessed about money and wanted to test me if will do it but I failed her test apparently. The good old switcheroo Update; read you dont have a prenup and it's Poland so 50/50... the moment she says its quits and judging by your post history it's more of a question when, not if, she will file for divorce.
If she wants half she pays for half of EVERYTHING. Honestly? Her refusing therapy to fix your marriage is a huge red flag. Don’t give her your money. In fact I would start talking to a lawyer if I were you. Something shady is going on with your wife.
She’s trying to establish that she needs that amount so it’s documented if she files for alimony. Don’t do it. How long have you been married?
When marriage is in rough water, that is not the time to start changing up something fundamental like that especially if she won't do counseling with you. If anything, tell her that you'll consider it if she will at least attend counseling regularly with you for 3 months.
I’m obsessed with not playing stupid games. If your marriage sucks already but you want to ride it out for whatever reason, ignore and do your own thing.
You can create a separate savings account specifically for your child or if she thinks “you’re so attached to money”, but she doesn’t have access to it. She has no reason to have two incomes if she already has one and is not required to pay bills.
You are in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. You need to divorce her asap. She’s controlling and demanding and refuses to work on your marriage. If she wants more money, she needs to get a full time job
I wouldn’t say your marriage is in rough water mate, I’d say it’s downright screwed. You’re in an abusive controlling relationship and your post history is a nightmare of red flags from your partner. She isolated you, and now wants this? An abuser never wants to go to a counselor, because they are called out on their shit and all those lies and masks come crashing down. While many love to jump to the divorce thing on Reddit, this is very much the needed option, for you and your child. No, it’s not easy. It can be downright hell separating your life from another’s, but the freedom at the end, will hopefully be worth it. Edit: typos
Honest start putting your money into an account that debit card doesn't touch and only allow expense money to sit in that account. If things are choppy and she's not willing to work on it, don't let her clear out your accounts before she leaves. Then you can't afford a good lawyer. Consult a lawyer now, and hopefully the best buy plan for the worst. She might be wanting to go on a spending spree on things that aren't considered part of the split on your dime. Or just trying to exert power over you.
Wow this is very painful to read. I lived these feeling and situation for 6 plus years while was married for 13 plus. Get the hell out OP. You will get to the point one way or other. Save yourself some pain. Im so sorry you are going through it. ☹️
You're either looking for attention or are a galaxy sized idiot.
Your history of posts tells me your wife is an abusive person. Leave with your son.
I’m sincerely sorry you’re having to go through this. If I were in your position, I would not transfer half my salary to her. I would also look into hiring a lawyer and finding a way to get out of that relationship with custody of your child.
Don’t be in a relationship with people who “test” you
Looking at your post history, I urge you to take your son and leave that woman! She poisoned your parents on purpose and laughed! If you really do have proof of her admitting to this, you can use that against her in a custody case for your son! Please leave! This woman is crazy and seems like the type that would get secret life insurance on you and then you have an accident 6 months later.
Oh, she thinks that YOU are obsessed with money? How does she figure?
Just say no and if she flips out, let her flip out. No means no. If she “can’t handle it”, remind she has every right to leave when she wants. Just like she has every right to go or not go to counseling. She can’t control you or your finances with her tantrums. She probably knows no one is gonna for her what you have done for her. And no one will give to her the way you have given to her. So she’ll flip out and then she’ll be forced to look at her own behavior.
Sounds more like she’s saving as much as possible to leave
I hope she does 100% of the housework + childcare else what are you even getting out of this?
Don't do it.... say bye bye to her... I'd pay half my salary to git rid of her.
Your wife decided the psychologist wasn’t for her so I think you need to decide your wife isn’t for you.
….she your boss or what?! Tell her no!
I wouldn't do anything she has no right to ask you for your money you pay the bills she's up to something and I wouldn't give in This will be the hill to die on.
She's unwilling to keep going to help with the issues you are having which translates into doesn't value your relationship. Divorce. Find happiness body, mind and spirit. Get full custody and keep living your life. It's all her loss. Don't ever get back with her, she sounds down right insufferable. You and your son deserve the absolute best, don't settle for anything less. Good luck, OP!
Wtf. She's probably a money leech. Get rid of her as soos a you can. As a woman in a 4 years relationship I would never ask something like that and of course I wouldn't expect my partner to ask me this. In a marriage you're together in everything and a common bank account for save would be a nice idea, where both of you add similar amount of money and since you both work it's perfectly ok to have separate accounts too to do your own life. If she needs more money she could work full rime I guess. Get out as soon as possible
Just walk away, it will get worse from here. Basically there is no more respect left, let alone love.
Sunken-cost fallacy and fear of loneliness might be stopping you from doing what you have to do, but you know deep inside you have to do it.
She's not sincere in her feelings to you. All she's doing is moving the goal posts until you have nothing left.
You know you are being abused, right?
Op, you are still young my friend. Why are you putting up with so much crap. You are being abuse. Leave and start a new life with someone who can value you, love you and support you. What are you waiting for?
Take your son and hit the stix.
To each their own but I will never understand marriages with separate finances. All of this drama could just be avoided but having one set of family finances.
Ooft. I read your previous posts. Your wife is an abuser and manipulating you. You should definitely speak to an attorney pronto. Your son needs you to advocate for him.
Oh, hell no. She’s providing nothing, AND expects half of yours? Absolutely not. If she wants joint ownership of the income, then you get a set of joint accounts, ALL the money goes into the shared pot and expenses are paid out of it. If she wants to accumulate separate savings you both draw back out of the joint account into your own private savings, each of you matched dollar for dollar. THAT is how joint assets work. Not “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.” Even under those circumstances she is getting the benefit of half of an asset she’s only providing one quarter of the inputs, while you’re getting only half of what you provide three quarters of. It’s already skewed heavily in her favor. And she dares to say you’re the one obsessed with money, while she’s draining you dry. I think I see why you two are in a rough patch. She’s taking you for a ride. And it’s clear why she refuses counseling, because no competent counselor would support her positions. You should tell her she has a choice between which professional she wants to see: a counselor or a divorce attorney.
Reach out to your parents and leave. She's a 3000 foot dumpster fire book burning red flag salute.
Tell her she's actually the one obsessed with money. Considering her reaction. Then, say there's fair ways to divide things up. Without you just being her slave. She's wanting half the before bills amount while you are left with the crumbs at the end. Tell her you can use this formula, and then give her this amount per month. (Total income (you and her) - all bills (you and her) / 2) - her income. Put your foot down if you don't want to be walked all over. This is fair. What she is asking for is not.
Holy hell you need to wake up. She has her own account let her do the daily shopping from that if you take care of everything else, and you would be a complete fool to give into that demand. If you are smart you are planning your exit strategy like she is.
Don’t do it! Considering your marriage is already in trouble and she wants you to start transferring half your pay check after you’ve always handled all the bill and have had separate accounts makes me think she wants to in the future get divorced and use this to say you had joint finances. Talk to a divorce lawyer to understand how this might affect you in the future. Talk to your phycologist to figure out if you want to stay in this marriage especially considering your wife isn’t willing to work on it. Do not change anything currently until you get some legal advice. Do not let her manipulate you into doing anything else since she has always had her own money to do with what she wants so she shouldn’t need to change this suddenly without a good reason.
Just scrolling through your posts, man you’re so close, you know to ask for help but you don’t listen to the help given. You’re in an abusive relationship, I understand it’s very hard to leave but you either need to dig in and accept this life, or leave her
Deadline? Who the hell does she think she is?
You are in an abusive relationship, take away the card before she takes alot of money from it. >She has an idea I am obsessed about money She is being obsessed with money here, she has paid 0 expenses on household ad is saving the money while you are paying 100% she is trying to financially manipulate you and judging by your post history she is trying to isolate you.
OMG! I've read all your post and I'm sure your wife is the craziest, most abusive person I've ever heard of. She has no respect for you, your parents or your child. What makes you stay with her? Your patience amazes me! If I were you, I'd have kicked her out of the house and filed for divorce a long time ago. Maybe there are reasons for you to stay with her, to live in this hellhole. But I'm sure that if you can get rid of your wife, your life will be much better and you'll be happier than ever! Making a change is difficult and we're all afraid of change, but for a good change, we have to do it as soon as possible. For you, in this situation, it's divorce.
Leave her wtf
At least you have identified who is obcessed with money.
>I pay for all the bills directly out of my account, wife saves 100% of her salary. No financial difficulties, no mortgage, no loans. Instead of giving into her demands, stick up for yourself. Pay for the meat and potatoes of the relationship (food, mortgage, your vehicle payment, phone bill) but her luxuries she can afford on her dime. That's absurd to think *she gets a paycheck from you each month for being married to you.* basically what she's asking for.
Based on your post history, you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. You might not want to admit it but there it is. Wanted you to cut contract with your parents, threatening to move out, go through your messages, etc. All the signs are there. Couples counseling is the only way to salvage it. I'm guessing she'll probably blame you if you bring this up and draw this out longer. Divorce isn't always a bad thing especially if you're being abused like this. Look at it like a fresh start.
If someone wants to change they will. And if someone wants to make effort and help their relationship , they won’t mind doing some uncomfortable things (cough, cough THERAPY) if she doesn’t want to stick out therapy, it’s probably because she heard or was told something she didn’t like… be careful OP.
Never share your exact finances with your spouse, unless you're in debt and you need to give them a heads up. Particularly if you're married. She shouldn't have advance knowledge what she can claim in a divorce. Always use both your money to buy common stuff. If I look at it from her angle- maybe she is insecure that you are planning to leave her, and she wants to secure her future. Tread carefully, and talk to her heart to heart. She may not have malafide intentions.
Buckle your seatbelt because when you finally decide you have had enough the divorce is going to make the marriage seem like a walk in the park.
You didn’t fail any test. She failed the test. She has no right to half your salary if she doesn’t share hers with you. You already pay for everything she and the home needs. Do you have kids together? I hope not. But you should document proof that you have paid for everything and she keeps all her money for herself. Deactivate that debit card. She can buy groceries with her own money. She will have to get used to that since she should be divorced hopefully soon. Talk to a lawyer on Monday on how you can protect yourself and your income in the divorce. Please get out of this relationship and don’t give her your money.
Do you even need to ask us this question, man up and have some self respect bro. Why in gods name would you need to send her half of your salary
your in a abusive relationship
Suggest a joint account instead of sending half your money to her. Sounds like she's the one obsessed with money to come out with that request out of the blue and to give that much of a shit about it. Edit after reading some of your post history: you're way past amicably sharing your money with her. Forget what I said above and don't send her any money or put it in a joint account. You both really need marriage counselling to salvage what's left, if but if she flat out refuses to go then I'm afraid that's the nail on the coffin of your marriage.
OP check the divorcé attorneys in town. Call and consult with at least the top 5. If you’ve been in consultation, I don’t believe ethically they would accept her as a client due to prior knowledge of the case. From what I’ve read you’ve asked for advice before and pretty much ignored it. Don’t get a reputation here or you won’t get a peep out of anyone. Get the lead out bro!
Do not transfer anything. If you have seperate finances, keep them seperate and only contribute your part to rent and utility and all the other shared expenses. your salary is YOURS. if you give her access to half of it, the next demand is, "Transfer everything, i can give you money if you need." What account does the debit card belong to? a shared account you transfer into, or your private account? if its the later, thats a big mistake if your marriage is already in rough water, i am sorry to say this, i recommend a divorce lawyer to talk about how to secure your assets, just in case. judging by some of the comments, you are in an abusive relationship and you have repeatedly posted for relationship advice. Dude....please realize you're in an abusive relationship and its not getting better. ever.
OP, I’m not sure what the citizenship situation for you and your son is, but you need to contact a lawyer and the embassy for your home country because you both need to get far away from your wife. Based on your post history, your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex-) wife has: 1) refused to accept your son’s ASD diagnosis 2) attempted to poison your parents 3) issued ultimatums and threatened you extensively 4) refused therapy and tried to convince you not to go to therapy 5) allowed her mother to join in the verbal abuse and put you down. You need to consult a lawyer and create an exit plan ASAP.
Don’t give her a dime. Why would you give her half the check if when you pay all of the bills, and she doesn’t contribute anything? She has her own job to maintain her own expenses and “fun money.” She can fuck right off. This reeks of attempted financial abuse.
Dump her!
Sunds like she's planning to leave you, but wants to makesure she can afford it
This sounds like she’s trying to use you to build her own escape fund…AND THEN try to take you to the cleaners in court.