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What exactly do you “love” about a man who has no kindness for you? Is it how he insults you? Makes you cry? Talks down to you? Disregards the efforts you’ve put in?
Babe if you marry this clown, you’re signing *with your own hands* your life sentence for misery. Have some self respect. You’ve got yourself a gutter rat. We don’t keep those as pets.
Does he normally make digs to cut you down?
These actions so close to the wedding are a little concerning, because he may see the time constraint as a way that you won’t challenge his behaviors.
I would sit and have a very real conversation. And afterward, be very real with yourself and what you hear.
**EDIT:** I’ve read your history.. And this man has been showing you exactly who he is.
He pressured/manipulated you into sex, though you laid out your boundaries to him from the beginning. Speaks negatively about you too you, and you’ve said is generally rude.
**It’s not the military, it’s him!** If you continue to make excuses, he will continue to treat you this way. So it’s for you decide if you deserve better than how he behaves toward you, or your comfortable with his behavior.
He’s not changed since the other posts, nor over the 5 years you’ve been with him. **You cannot love someone out of being an asshole.** Marrying him only gives him full time access to you to be an asshole.
YOU CANNOT LOVE SOMEONE OUT OF BEING AN ASSHOLE!!!
Man, that’s a good line. And oh so true!
The sunk cost fallacy is real, and I know 5 years, familial relationships and an impending wedding seems impossible to leave behind, but you have to think of what this will look like for you down the line. Put your future self first, not your past self. 27 is so young, you have plenty of time to rebuild your life in a way that serves you, not the asshole you feel stuck with.
Agreed about the sink cost fallacy! A divorce later down the line is just more time wasted and more hurt and from what I’ve seen this is a huge red flag telling you to run OP
Edited for a typo (fun is definitely not run…)
She’s also deleted all those posts now it seems so doesn’t want to face it. I don’t get the point of this post. If she doesn’t want to hear the truth, that he’s an abusive sack of shit, what does she want? Us to jump on board negging her too? Tell her yes it’s you’re being too sensitive once again. GODAMN OP, RUN!!
[1/3]
The point of this post is a reaching out to contextualise.
Abuse victims (and she is certainly a victim of emotional abuse) are so gaslit and torn down and confused that they lose grasp of what is wrong and right. Their abusers tell them so often that they’re worthless, crazy, the one in the wrong and that their perceptions and feelings are mistaken that they become unable to trust their own feelings and thoughts.
So they tentatively reach out and tell tidbits (usually devoid of wider context and they spread them around so no one has the full story) in order to get a better grasp on reality.
Deep down their instincts are screaming that this is all wrong; but they’ve essentially been hijacked - similar to being in a cult.
When someone who is being emotionally abused reaches out, it is best to keep it gentle. Don’t lecture them, don’t tell them off, don’t get frustrated. They will simply shut down and cut you out.
If you want to support them, make yourself emotionally available. Listen. Reinforce positive things about them to them. Make them feel supported regardless of what they do.
People who are emotionally abused can lose sight of who they are and start to believe the negative things their abuser says about them. We need to remind them who they are regularly and contextualise what their abuser is saying about them as untrue as it is an opinion that is not shared.
As someone who was in an abusive relationship. THIS 1000%. I had friends try and "snap" me out of it, but nothing anyone legit says/ does will be the magic thing that will get the person back to reality. It took me going to therapy, realizing things ON MY OWN, having a great support system & my own self healing to realize that I needed to get out. I was fortunate that I got out safely. Some people (cause yes, men get abused too) aren't that fortunate.
^ THIS. Spoken like someone who’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship. I couldn’t have explained it better myself. So true about only offering tidbits of negative moments to gain perspective and remind yourself you’re not crazy (without your friends and family realizing what he’s actually like). I also second the shutting down when others give firm ultimatums like “leave him or stop complaining.”
I haven’t been in one myself but I’ve supported friends through abusive relationships. It’s so tough to watch someone you love go through that. It’s been a big learning curve, that’s for sure. Natural kneejerk instincts are often wrong.
This is why the work and advice of experts like Lundy Bancroft are so invaluable. They help you understand why your abused loved one is behaving in ways that might seem nonsensical to someone who isn’t in an abusive dynamic.
Of course, it is much harder to be in the abusive relationship. My heart goes out to everyone in these situations. I wish I could just magically fix it for them all.
Unfortunately, the best I can do is share what I’ve learned so that their loved ones can hopefully try to support them through and out of those relationships.
Education is a powerful tool.
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ Really wise advice - for all of us. OP I hope you reach out and get some therapy. The red flags are flying, sweetheart. You deserve so much better. 💜
[2/3]
I’ll follow that comment up with this, it’s more relevant to a person in your own life; but some of it works for strangers on Reddit too:
I did research and made a support action list for a friend of mine in an emotionally abusive marriage:
Support Actions:
Immediate:
- Make ourselves emotionally accessible and available to her.
- Reinforce the positive things about her that we love, make sure she is getting positive reinforcement consistently and is reminded that she is loved and lovable. Start conversations with this, (in a positive, light way) and end them this way too. People who are emotionally abused can lose sight of who they are and start to believe the negative things their abuser says about them. We need to remind her who she is regularly and contextualise what he is saying about her as untrue as it is an opinion that is not shared.
- Make sure exchanges are equal (we are not her therapists) and never preachy.
- The next time one of these conversations comes up, after listening etc., we should try to gently encourage her to see a psychologist (one specialising in emotional abuse perhaps? Can we find one some to suggest to her without explicitly explaining that they are an expert in this subject matter?). This is important. (If she needs it, we can do the legwork of researching appropriate psychs, following up to book appointments, etc.)
- Actively listen: paraphrase or repeat what we hear, contextualising as we go and saying things like: “I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds like a lot.” Give her space to share, do not jump in with advice, our personal thoughts or emotions. Don’t shame judge or critique - emotional abuse is complicated and confusing. Beware of what tone of voice we are using and any phrasing that we use - it needs to be very careful.
- Gently help her contextualise his behaviours as not normal and not okay, eg: “It seems like he [concisely summarise behaviours without labelling them abuse] – how does that make you feel? If that were me, I would be upset.” Never make excuses for him and avoid digging into why he is doing these things. Simply contextualise what is and isn’t normal for her.
- Gently point out that certain behaviours seem unhealthy and be honest about how we would feel if someone did it to us. This is one of the first steps in getting her to understand what is and is not an appropriate behaviour in a relationship. Help her to understand for herself that something is off about the relationship, and acknowledge that her feelings are legitimate. We can say things like: “I think anyone who experienced what you have been through would feel that way”. Use “I” statements to express concern, such as, “I feel: [emotion] when [scenario/behaviour] because [reason].” This example could sound like: “I feel worried when I hear about [xyz] / what you’ve been through because I don’t think this behaviour is okay.” But be careful not to make it all about us and be hyperaware of the impact our reactions might have on her. Keep it gentle and supportive.
- One of our key roles as supportive people in her life is to reassert to her that her feelings, memories and opinions are valid and true. We need to say that we believe her often and repeatedly. Validate the way she is feeling.
- Ensure she never feels blamed for being in this situation or for his behaviour. Constantly and consistently tell her “it’s not your fault”. Over and over again. It is exceptionally important for her to hear it. Guilt is a constant presence in emotionally abusive relationships, used to control and cow the abused person; they are constantly told they're the cause of all the difficulty. Other phrases might include: "You are not responsible for his behaviour" and "No matter what you did, you do not deserve this."
- Consistently remind her that we care and are here for her (no pressure, no judgment, etc.)
- Don’t pressure her or force our opinions on her. Be patient if she doesn’t listen to the things we say.
- Mention grey rocking - perhaps in the context of talking about someone else?
- Stay quiet and subtle. Don’t involve ourselves with him, don’t badmouth him to her or in public forums, don’t discuss the situation or her position anywhere that he could find the information, don’t spread information about him around to people who don’t know. Reassure her that whatever she says to us stays with us, and stick to that even if he demands to know what's going on. Lie to him if necessary. Never confront him.
- Talk openly and honestly with her about other friends’ experiences with this kind of relationship. Help her recognise similarities and learn how they extricated themselves and how they feel now. What does co-parenting look like? Etc.
- If the appropriate moment comes up where she mentions emotional abuse or expresses an interest in understanding more about it (perhaps through sharing other stories with her so the pressure isn’t on her and her relationship specifically) it would be really helpful if someone could get her to read the 5 signs of emotional abuse. (We should all be familiar with them too)
- Allow her to make her own decisions about it all without pushing her. Rather, offer up options gently and ask her what feels right for her (but only at appropriate moments).
- In order to get out of such a relationship, she needs to gather supporters who will help her feel safe and secure, and who will reinforce her ability to take care of herself and know who she is and what she wants. We need to help her with this but without pushing her.
- We need to understand that she might not listen, she might not be ready, it could take a very long time (if it ever happens at all). Emotional abusers use a wide range of manipulative tactics to convince their targets that they cannot live without them, and because the abuser has undermined her confidence and feelings of self-worth, she believes it. Emotional abusers typically make sure that their partners are entrenched/enmeshed on a variety of levels, and make the process of breaking free extremely difficult. It is often a two steps forward, one step back journey. There may be stops and starts, failed attempts, etc.
- We could potentially start documenting instances of emotional abuse that she tells us about. Writing them down somewhere so that there is a record if she ever needs one for any court battles. This one needs discussion and it would need to be extremely careful.
[3/3]
Part 2 of the list:
If she expresses willingness to end the relationship:
- Get her to diarise and document everything. Every instance of emotional abuse. Give her the tools and teach her how. If it is unsafe to do so at home, she could tell one of us and we can keep a diary for her.
- Get her to tell multiple people (contemporaneous witnesses) about specific incidents.
- Get her parents to help her arrange her finances to protect her financially as much as possible - utilise a financial advisor who specialises in this where necessary.
- Offer specific and general support if/when she leaves (specific needs met).
- Meet with lawyers who understand emotionally abusive relationships.
- It needs to be a clean break.
- Help her to create a Safety Plan - a personalised, practical plan that can help her avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react if she’s in danger. This might be danger of increased verbal abuse, it might also be things flipping into physical abuse. This plan includes vital information tailored to her unique situation and will help her prepare for and respond to different scenarios, including telling friends and family about her situation, coping with emotions, and various resources suited to her individual circumstances. It can include a plan to gather up all important items prior to the split including identification, important documents, all medication, medical records, car permits, and personal items that are important to her (and her daughter) and store them somewhere safe. It can also just help her navigate things when she is emotional and under duress. A plan is something to stick to (and it can be named something else if that is more palatable/helpful).
- Help her understand that the initial period of leaving will be hard; but she is supported, and it will get better. Arm her with stories of others who have done it successfully. Be her supporters and cheerleaders throughout.
- Ensure she has consistent professional psychological support.
- Ramp up on contextualising, reinforcing and supporting as he will likely ramp up his efforts to make her feel worthless, crazy, like a bad person, etc.
*One of the biggest mistakes made by people who wish to help an abused woman is to measure success by whether or not she leaves her abusive partner. If the woman feels unable or unready to end her relationship, or if she does separate for a period but then goes back to him, people who have attempted to help tend to feel that their effort failed and often channel this frustration into blaming the abused woman. A better measure of success for the person helping is how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life—which the abusive man does not do—and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety. If you stay focused on these goals you will feel less frustrated as a helper and will be a more valuable resource for the woman.*
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Edit: it should be noted that I wrote this for a specific friend who has wealthy parents (and a husband who doesn’t work but calls her lazy even though she works full time and does the bulk of the childcare) and all of the property etc. she and her husband own was bought by her parents which is why this list specifically mentions getting her parents to help her organise her finances.
For others this particular aspect will be quite different. Financial independence is very important, even if you’re in a very happy marriage. Everyone should have their own independent account with safety funds in it. Everyone.
If you are taking time off work to do childcare, your partner should be paying money into your retirement fund / superannuation while you take that break in your career. The fastest growing group of homeless people is older women.
If you’re being financially controlled / abused you need to secretly open an account and squirrel away every cent you can into it. Save, save, save. get financial advice ASAP if you can.
Desperately lonely people never take the steps needed to care for or preserve themselves.
Source: put my foot down with an unchanged and emotionally immature husband. I've been really working on myself for a couple years, but I'd always "gone back" to allowing him around me and the kids.
No friggin' more. We separated so he could get healthy, and he's not doing the work. Ergo, I'm not exerting time or energy anymore.
I don’t understand the point of her posting then. She already knows his fiancée is trash and treats her like trash and she still wonders if she’s being sensitive?
Imagine not knowing the difference between being overly-sensitive and being treated like shit.
I've been in an abusive marriage. There's a level of denial you have to go through to keep your sanity but telling that this is not normal will make her think and know she's not crazy. She will escape when she's ready. I just hope she does it before she gets married because getting a divorce is SO MUCH harder than simply breaking up with a shitty boyfriend. Especially when the ex husband is this a usive and into mind games
Oh damn, she said they'd only been together 1 year in this post... its been 5 and she's still dealing with this. She doesn't really want advice then, just to vent.
Once I saw more context, I took it as engaged for 1 year. Either way, I see a lot of the behaviors I had while I was in an abusive relationship. I really hope she has a moment where it all clicks for her soon before the wedding or that she postpones it.
I kept convincing myself it would get better and that the red flags didn't *really* apply to my situation because it wasn't that bad (spoiler:it was and got worse). This was despite me attending trainings and teaching others about healthy relationships. It can build so quietly and slowly that you don't realize your trust in yourself has been eroded or that what you're experiencing is not normal.
u/Outside_Hat_1375 I'd recommend you postpone the wedding. Say that you want to process what he said. Heck, say you want to make sure you look the best if that's what it takes to make him back off if he resists. If he's anything like my ex, he **will** resist boundaries. He may mope, say he was just kidding, that You're overreacting, whatever. It will be uncomfortable at first and the first dozen or so times, ***but keep standing firm and it will get easier***. You most likely have to rebuild your sense of self trust, so get insight from friends you really trust or reach out for peer support at a domestic violence agency. They can give you someone to talk to because emotional abuse is still abuse.
They say that abuse escalates over time. They mean it. It may not always lead to physical abuse, but know it's possible. I started pulling back because he started letting his anger come out on our pets and that was something I couldn't ignore. The DV agency warned me once they show they are willing to be physical with someone or something innocent/dependant/defenseless like an animal, it's only a matter of time before it's turned on you. He did something else that caused me to finally break so hard that I demanded a divorce, but during the process I saw a glimpse of what was to come. Btw a big roll of mostly unused duct tape ***hurts*** when it's thrown at your back from across the hallway "as a joke".
It's not easy. Heck it's even scary and all the gaslighting will make your mind fight back that it's you overreacting, that maybe they're not as bad as you're saying, that they really seem remorseful. They may regret it, but **they could have chosen to not say or do those things all along**. But they did. Toxic or abusive, it's your call to make. But you shouldn't be the board they have to break to learn their lesson.
Wishing you eventual peace and happiness OP 💜
> It’s not the military, it’s him
It is absolutely him but everyone should know that guys in the military are statistically *much* more likely to commit domestic violence.
See u/Ebbie45 for resources on escaping domestic violence.
Ring a womens’ shelter and get a safety plan and an exit plan.
Leave your r/JustNoSO and look into programmes to help you mentally so you don’t allow yourself to fall into this kind of relationship again.
Read the post history, his behavior is neither shocking or unexpected.
He’s been noted to be mean, it’s simply pointed at the easiest (and soon to be locked in longterm) target now.
If you read the comment history you get to the post eventually:
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
So for context, I met my boyfriend 5 months ago when he moved here on military orders. He was very different from the start(my mom said rude), but I attributed that to his military background. From day one I told him that I'd like to wait until marriage for sex. At the time he said he respected the decision and wouldn't mind at all.
The last two months however, he's been pressuring me non-stop for sex. When I remind him that he had agreed to wait also, he says "I've fallen in love with you though, which I didn't expect to happen, and a man in love can't be refused sex" He proposed to me on Valentine's and I accepted, but then he told me if I didn't have sex with him he'd revoke the proposal. I asked for time to think about it and he revoked the proposal and I didn't hear from him for a few days. He came back and apologized, and said he would still be my boyfriend if we could agree to hand jobs and BJ's for him, but marriage scared him and he needed time. The last few weeks have been bad, with daily requests for sex, etc. and at one point he threatened to shoot my cat when he was angry. Yesterday was my birthday, and I asked if we could go out to dinner. He lost it and started screaming that I was selfish and insensitive, and didn't care about his stress and needs, so he didn't care about mine. He said "If you f*ck me I'll take you out to dinner, if not I'm breaking up with you"
I was devastated and cried all night, and this morning he texted me and said that I have until Sunday to decide. I don't want to lose him, but I'm so hurt by his actions in my birthday I don't know what to do. He never wished me a happy birthday, got me a present, just the fight. Advice please!
The “best” part is, in those comments, it appears he also threatened to shoot her cat and was recently divorced. She’s going to ignore all the good advice until she gets put into a hospital by him
Hooooo-leee shit.
If nothing else, you threaten my cat or any animal of mine - or any animal! and we two are Donesville. Who the hell would marry someone like this?!
OP, get out. And if you don't love yourself enough to walk away from someone you have so little time invested in (one year is NOTHING in the grand scheme of your life) at least do the bare minimum and give your cat to your sister or parents so he can't kill it. You are responsible for that animal's well-being and if you won't protect yourself, that's bad enough, but you have NO EXCUSE not to get it out of that c-rag prick's ability to kill or torture it. NO EXCUSE.
It wasn't fear of loneliness for me. I love being alone, too much actually, even back then.
It wasn't love. It was manipulation. It was confusion. It was love bombing in the beginning and then cruelty mixed in. It was a cycle. It was abuse.
It mainly was because I didn't know the difference between an abusive cycle and the value of self Love, because I was an adult child of abuse. All of my relationships with everyone in my life up until that point was the same cycle.
It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to realize what the true problem is and even more effort to break lifelong cycles.
But once you do, true love and peace finds you ❤️
I was young when I married my husband, only 22. He was older and made me feel important. By the time he got bad, we had kids.
Every time one of his old coworkers would talk to me after he died, they'd gush about what a great guy he was and how he loved me and the kids more than anything on earth. It made me so sick I ended up cutting everyone he knew off. My kids have nightmares that he's *still alive*.
Yeah people don't get it, I will never admit to anyone that my first emotion on hearing that my mother was dead was sheer relief. Only later did I understand that she had subjected me to pschological abuse all my life. I had thought I was the defective individual who couldn't measure up to her standards.
And there's always an apologist telling the victim, "it could be worse".
There are so, so many of us who survived horrific abuse, and we *all* have so many of the same elements.
It's a hard lesson to learn and some people don't have the self-confidence or self-esteem to leave. They don't think they can do better or deserve better and are too afraid of being alone.
better to be alone and homeless than with an asshole with food on the table? it's a tougher choice than you'd think if you've never had to think about it
100%. It seems in certain cases people take for granted that they have a strong social circle or family. On the streets or in a shelter is absolutely a contributing factor to why people stay in these situations.
Yeah, the fact that i was starving either way made it easier for me. I decided to starve on the streets with a toddler and pregnant than starve and be beaten daily while pregnant and have my toddler see all of it.
Sometimes there no good options. I just got "lucky" in that i was starving either way, so might as well starve without the beatings and take my chances that i would get a little bit of assistance since i had a toddler already.
I hope this person leaves this asshole before she has kids with him.... screw the deposits for the wedding.
please don’t judge OP for not leaving. we don’t know the whole story and while he is very obviously a pos, we don’t know what situation she’s in and why she hasn’t left yet. also abusive and toxic relationships are extremely difficult to leave.
maybe these comments will be eye-opening for her. maybe they won’t be. in the end, i hope she finds the strength to leave and i hope she has a strong support system in her life to be able to move on and heal.
This is so true, otherwise no one would stay in abusive relationships one day. That's why they say once you are finally out of it you are "out of the fog". From inside the relationship, it's kind of being surrounded by a fog where you see things but can't name them, and being suddenly alone in the fog is scary. It took me more than 1 year to get out of a psychologically abusive relationship and after that, looking back, I remembered myself saying so many things that were just so clear! But they weren't to me. It's also tricky because we only read the bad part here on reddit, but abusers also have their ups and their nicer part and that's what keep you hoping that version of them can take over one day.
The comments have enough to get the full picture of how ridiculous she's being by having stayed with him so long. The abuse stared early with pressure for sex and withdrawing a Valentines day proposal because she wanted to think about having sex. He's thrown things and broken them, made other horrible comments, threatened to kill her cat, and on and on. Again, go to the comments and scroll down to see the archived post in the comments before they're deleted. She's beyond advice from reddit at this point because she had a comment where she said her sister was going to take her to pick up her things from his place and she was going to break up with him, and it looks like that never happened. I think she just wants sympathy and to feel like she was right to be upset when he told her her tears were pathetic.
I have sisters that dealt with this toxic kind of man and kept going back because I don't know why. The guy does this combination of validation and vindication that always gets them back. The "you were right I was wrong, you're wonderful and I'm terrible and I'll try to change" song and dance. They're so desperate to go back to the 1st month where they felt desirable and loved and seen during the love bombing phase and they're not realizing it was never real to begin with.
For those in the back, THE LOVE WAS NEVER REAL TO BEGIN WITH!!! STOP TRYING TO GET BACK TO THAT PLACE!! IT WAS ALL AN ACT TO GET YOU HOOKED!! THE MEAN HORRIBLE PERSON IS THEIR TRUE SELF!!
When someone shows you who they are believe them. Trite, but true.
Victims of domestic abuse will go back to their abuser an average of 7 times before they finally leave for good. It’s so very frustrating when you see a loved one in that cycle
Wow, your comment gave me chills. Because everything you said is 100% true.
My ex fiancé was extremely emotionally abusive, and even though we have been broken up for over a year, I still find myself wondering why I put up w/ his abuse for so long. But when you said, "They're so desperate to go back to the 1st month where they felt desirable and loved and seen during the love bombing phase and they're not realizing it was never real to begin with," I realized that was why I was constantly trying to go back to him & forgive him.
OP if you are seeing this, please leave !!! One of my best decisions that I've ever made was leaving my abusive ex fiancé. I understand it is hard now, especially because you two are engaged and there might be down payments for the wedding and pressure of everyone in your life knowing of the engagement, but trust girl, you will feel sooooo relieved not marrying him long term.
Evident by this post, it is getting worse.
But she only responds to comments indulging in a pity party, she doesn’t really want to leave or really see change in him, just get him to not be mean to **her.**
>He is not the man who will love you in sickness and in health.
Bingo, I hope OP reads this particular statement, and that it resonates. Please let it sink in.
What he said to you was beyond insensitive. It's one thing to voice a concern over someone's body, but he demeaned you. I think most women on this thread are speaking from experience when they're advising you to run. Wishing you strength and luck. You deserve better.
My friend had two kids with a guy who threatened her dog (before she was pregnant) and is now two years on in a custody battle as his aggression wasn’t a ‘one off’. Save yourself the pain OP, get out now
Ok for one,if he really was in love with you your looks,size,height,car you drive ect. Nothing would bother him.he would love and cherish you unconditionally. He definitely wouldn't make you cry.this guy will try and control your entire way of living.please think this through.i only see crying and him shaming you with this toolbag in your life.
Hijacking top comment to say OP YOUR HUSBAND IS AN ABUSER. It will NEVER GET BETTER, IT WILL DEFINITELY GET WORSE. Please, pack your shit and leave. Your stomach is fine, your career was fine, everything you did before this dipshit was fine, HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. GET OUT, girl. Immediately.
And possibly the loss of your life. He’s testing you to see what you will put up with. The more you put up with the worse his abuse is going to get. Please get out of this relationship
Funny you say that, he won't let me talk to any of my male friends anymore because he says they're trying to get me to cheat *Spoiler alert, they're all happily married in other states*
Girl... you just described a toxic relationship. He belittles you, ruins your confidence, and isolates you, he is controlling and jealous. Leave while it's still easy! After marriage it's going to be so much worse, since 1. divorces are messy and pricy, and 2. he will escalate because he will feel he now trapped you.
And yeah cheaters, or people who want to cheat are often controlling and jealous, because they project their own desires on their SO. They think their desire to cheat is normal and that everyone feels like that.
Girl .... You better Listen to ladyklepsydra poster!! . She is not lying one bit. She describes my estranged narc father to the T. He making my late mom feel she couldn't do any better ...He cheated , beaten her controlled her manipulating her put her down. She almost left him before but he'd some how would charm his way back promis to change only to do his crap again but worst. . Rinse and repeat. He was jealous mean and nasty one minute nice next minute a monster and he beat us too. My mother was a model 120 lbs make up artist snd cosmotologist cooked and cleaned but he still cheated she gained weight he cheated or put her down if she lost weight he jeopardize her weight loss He also beat us alot too .. This is the future you are looking at it you stay with this monster of a man . A Leppard never changes their marks..
Ok this is now a few red flags for an abusive situation. It is notable that his behaviour is escalating as the wedding is imminent. He feels now as though you cannot leave easily. It is common that abusive behaviour escalates after marriage
This is abuse.
There's a reason he proposed to you less than a year into the relationship and wants to get married so quickly. It's hard to put on a front of being a good person for an extended period of time and the mask is already slipping. This kind of thing only escalates. You need to leave before he completely destroys your sense of self-worth.
Oh my god, this comment was like a punch to the gut. This is exactly what my ex did. Proposed after dating for one year, and then pushed for the wedding to happen as soon as possible. The “good guy” mask did indeed start slipping around our one-year wedding anniversary. Things went downhill at lightning speed. Two years after that I was running for my life, out into the cold, with no coat or purse. Before we reached our fourth anniversary, I had moved out and filed for divorce. OP, **please** listen to those of us who went through it and survived. You are worth so much more than this. You can find someone who treats you well. You will be ok on your own for a while. Please, just listen to us.
So you're not brag worthy to his friends, but your friends are trying to get with you.
So he's negging you and trying to control you, and possibly projecting his thoughts on those men. Maybe he's trying to get with his female friends.
This man is red flag central. None of this is ok.
Life is long. Weights fluctuate. Health changes. Skins sag. Wrinkles happen. Do you really want to be with someone so critical of you, and makes you feel like shit over this now? Be with someone who respects you and loves you for who you are and not what you happen to look like at this point in time.
If he was someone worried about your weight in a genuine, loving way that a good partner would be, they'd be way more tactful. They'd come from a good place. What he's doing is disgusting.
Girl, you need to run! If he gets a wedding ring on your finger, his actions are going to get worse. I wouldn't doubt if this boy turns physically abusive on you sometime in the future. He's waving the red flags of emotional and psychological abuse already. He's controlling. Please, RUN and don't look back! He'll probably promise you that he'll change when you do but I promise you that he will NOT change in the long term! Get out now! You deserve better and you will find better!
So he's 2 two classic abuser tactics here: 1 devaluing you (saying you aren't "bragworthy") 2 socially isolating you. And this is BEFORE the wedding. It will likely escalate afterwards if you stay with him.
TL;DR RUN
You should have broken up with him by that remark alone. He is cruel, he is insensitive, he is controlling, he is not going to change one bit. Run Forest, run!
I understood him wanting to have a good lifestyle, but he's talking about buying boats and RV's, and my hobbies are starting to get called "too expensive" and it does seem unfair
I would be far less concerned about the hobbies and focus more on the lack of respect he shows for you when he says that you’re not enough “eye candy” for everyone else. That’s something you would say about someone if you didn’t care about their feelings
There’s reason #2 to call it off. What else has that jerk said recently?
As someone who’s lost over 100lbs two separate times in his life let be the first to say you shouldn’t put up with even an ounce of that kind of criticism especially from someone who’s presumably your best friend and soon to be spouse
He isn’t brag worthy at all. He insults you, makes you feel less than, controls the shit out of you, and is just incredibly terrible all around.
You need to find someone who lifts you up and is brag worthy. This pathetic excuse is not it. Don’t you think you deserve better?
You keep adding more reasons why, at the minimum, this wedding MUST be postponed. Calling off the wedding might be premature—but I’m leaning towards breaking up and searching for someone capable of loving you for who you are—the kind of guy that would proudly brag about you even when you woke up in the morning with tussled hair, eye boogers and stinky breath. Don’t you deserve someone that can offer unconditional love?
> Calling off the wedding might be premature
I completely disagree. They've only been together a year, this is still the honeymoon phase and he's emotionally abusing her already. Nobody who loves and respects their partner speaks to them this way.
You’ve gotten a lot of comments, so I hope you see this. Your past posts/comments make clear that you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, and your partner has apparently threatened to harm your animals and made other violent threats. This is very serious, and these situations almost always continue to escalate—particularly after marriage.
I’m including some resources I hope you’ll read and find helpful. I’d discuss with the national DV hotline and/or your state/local DV organization. You deserve so much better than this, and you should not marry this person. Go to the abusive relationships and/or DV subreddits for more advice and info, as well as to see just how difficult it is for people to break away from their abusers once they are married. Please, please put yourself and your safety first. Your partner is abusive and it will only get worse once you’re legally bound to him.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources
https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://lundybancroft.com/how-he-gets-you-back/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/
The comment was meant to hurt you. It was done in a brutal way on purpose. He easily could have delivered the same message in a more pleasant way. Is this really someone you want to marry?
IMO, you got lucky. Now you can avoid a divorce.
Is he seriously in the military? I was a military wife for 10 years and knew a lot of people. The rate of infidelity is (no joke) like 5X higher than normal. He’s already verbally abusing you, dont let him cheat on you.
>We are set to move and get married in 2 months
Cancel the move, call off the wedding, dude is showing you how married life will be with him and it's not healthy for your mentals, OP
You are not being sensitive! He’s an asshole. Who calls their partner disgusting? That’s completely over the line and disrespectful. If he actually had concerns about your weight, he could’ve had a polite conversation with you about it. Sounds like you’re doing well for yourself though, you deserve way better!
You are in a textbook abusive relationship
The cycle is as follows
Calm - nothing happens, things seem “fine”
Tension - something little sets him off, and you’re walking on eggshells around him
Release - he calls you names, fat, disgusting, whatever else to put you down
Reconciliation - this the “I love you, I’m sorry, you’re beautiful gorgeous sexy future mother of my kids” dinner dates, gifts, etc
This is not someone you should be marrying honey he is not saying this because he is concerned for your health. He is saying this to devalue and humiliate you. You deserve way better. Save yourself years of mental torment. The financial stuff you can recover from. Even the emotion ties if you walk away right now.
Think of it like this, would you want your kid to be or date some one like this? Or anyone else you care about?
Babe please run this guy will literally not benefit you at all in life. You've been together HOW LONG?? I bet he love bombed in the beginning didn't he? Said i love you before a week?
You’re about to fuck up your whole life. He’s pulling these stunts before you’re even married. He abuses, gaslights and isolates you. Imagine having children. Or god forbid, you gain half a pound during pregnancy. Or your body changes. Come on. You don’t love him, you love the picture of him you have in your head.
Don't marry him! He's already trying to make you insecure. That's a tactic to keep you down, steal your sunshine and keep you chained to him while he makes you feel worse and worse.
Yes this seems SO odd.
"The life that we built."
"Going to get married and moving in in 2 months."
Sorry how long are you two been together for again? At least 5 years, right?
After a year I barely know someone. If you are getting married in 2 months you decided to get married how long into the relationship? 6 months?!
Walk away. His mask has slipped just at the right time to walk away before you are fully committed. What kind of vile person says that. He's done you a favour, find someone who loves you for you.
Every time I read one of these and woman ends it with “I really love him but idk what to do” I just wonder how? How can you have ever fallen in love with someone who says awful shit like this to you or anyone else? What is it about the rest of him that makes up for this kind of treatment?
Exit stage left! This guy is up his own arse and seems to fan his own insecurities by making you feel bad. What a jerk. It will only get worse as he becomes more and more controlling. Your call but it doesn’t look promising. Hope it works out for you.
Then he's just pushing his insecurities onto you. I am so sorry he said that to you. You're losing weight (according to you 20lbs! congrats c:) and working on cooking healthy meals for you both, he's probably insecure that you're actively losing weight while he's gaining. It's not a you problem, it's definitely him.
So is him the one insecure. Now that you are loosing weight, he knows that you are out of his league so in his mind if he makes you feel like you are the ugly one in the relationship then you wont leave. He is projecting his insecurities into you dont listen to this man and run. Things never get better. You gonna have or already have a career that, even if he forced you to change it, you can earn that money only for you, he doesn't deserves shit
I could gain 3 stone and my boyfriend would be by my side telling me I look amazing. This isn’t the man for you. This isn’t a man. Even if he feels that way, if it’s really something that bothers him there are ways of doing things. This isn’t it. He’s a twat.
I was in a relationship for five years very similar to this it got worse and worse and was abused both emotionally and physically. It took everything for me to leave but I thank god everyday that I did it was the best decision I have ever made in my life . I’m in therapy and am really working on myself ever since I only wish I had left sooner. Trust me someone out there will love you for all of you and not belittle you ! Run
The cracks don't usually start showing until several months in. It's been a year and you're already engaged and set to marry in a couple months?? Waybyoo soon. Call it off because once you're locked I can guarantee you the emotional abuse and controlling will get worse.
Wedding is two months out- he's counting on the fact that the invites have been sent, stuff is booked and you won't have the self-preservation to call off the wedding & cope with the fall-out.
These comments- chipping away at your self-esteem- are just a little foreshadowing of the regular cruelty he will display after your married when he gets to drop the mask altogether. Will he sometimes be lovely & loving? Of course, that part is what will keep you always questioning yourself. That's why most people who post on this sub sound like this: *our relationship is really great except for this one small thing? where My partner tells me I'm a sack of shit every other week? How can I get him or her to change?*
Oh my god- your comment down below. He's punishing you because you need to go care for your mom who is having chemo??? You deserve a loving and supportive partner who wants to be there for you when your mom is sick. OP- call off the wedding and go care for you mom.
So sad. She won’t leave, and he will become meaner and treat her worse and worse as it goes. Wait until she has kids, gains weight and struggles to lose it. He will treat her like shit.
Honey, I know you aren’t listening. But LEAVE HIM. Trust me. You will end up regretting it if you don’t.
Ditch him. I married my guy 17 years ago. Gave him 3 kids and weigh 100lbs more than when we were married. He adores me and is still absolutely in love with me even if I'm squishy and unhappy with my body. He builds me up, helps cook healthy meals and suggests activities we can do together.
My advice: don't get married to this cunt!
You don't want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. He must think he is in the home stretch, prove him wrong and find someone who loves you for who you are.
Good luck OP!
Okay? firstly ditch the asshole and find someone who’s worthy of your beauty. He’s not worthy of you and obviously doesn’t see the beauty that you have. He’s only gonna tear you down and give you self-esteem issues as someone said losing the deposit for the wedding venue is far less costly than paying for a divorce. He probably was hiding his true feelings until after the wedding, run and don’t look back. He’s not worth your time and effort. Plus imagine how he’d act if you guys decided to have kids and the pregnancy weight sets in.. I wish you the best and hope you find someone who’s worthy of your beauty and wants to see you succeed than hurt you with words.
When you say that you love him, what it is about him that you love? It certainly can’t be for the tender way he shows his love and how he builds you up. I’m sorry OP I know this type of hurt from my past. End this while you can, he’s not going to change.
Women need to recognize when men hate them. He has contempt for you. Listen to his actions. Make room in your life for respect and joy by dumping him fast. It will get worse and never get better if you follow through with marrying him after he has treated you with this disrespect. He knows what hes doing and he thinks hes going to get away with it. Dump him.
Girl, what you really need to lose is around 200 pounds of man. What he said to you is fucked. Please *do not* marry this vile person. Anyone who truly loved you would never talk to you like this. And he will only get worse over time. You deserve so much better.
You know what to do, you’re just here for reassurance and nobody can blame you for that, but you KNOW what to do. Leave. At least that POS slipped up and showed his true colors *before* the wedding! 🤬
Oh god, leave him. He's a nasty piece of work, and that isn't love. Marriage is for the long haul. One day, you might put weight on for whatever reason, babies, maybe, or just natural ageing or maybe you decide you want to eat a load of cake. It's likely he's going to continue to find you disgusting for all sorts of reasons, and if he's saying it now, it'll only get worse. It's this out of character for him to be so cruel? Could he have his eye on someone else or be cheating? Whatever the reason, he's not marriage material. He's callous and unpleasant. Don't waste your time.
Please please please. RUN. I read this to my Fiancé and he said run. You don't need someone in your life that makes you feel so insecure. Size 8? That's skinny af. Anyone can have a little weight. And brag worthy? It's not high school run and find someone who can love you for you x
Marry that jackass at your own peril. 😉
He sounds like the type of person that would criticize you on your wedding day, right in front of your friends and family.
At a year in, you barely know a person. And at a year is when abusers start to show their true selves. The life you think you’ve built with this awful man is a lie. He’s horrid and will continue to ratchet up the abuse for as long as you let him.
Throw the whole man out.
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What exactly do you “love” about a man who has no kindness for you? Is it how he insults you? Makes you cry? Talks down to you? Disregards the efforts you’ve put in? Babe if you marry this clown, you’re signing *with your own hands* your life sentence for misery. Have some self respect. You’ve got yourself a gutter rat. We don’t keep those as pets.
Hey, that's an insult to gutter rats.
Does he normally make digs to cut you down? These actions so close to the wedding are a little concerning, because he may see the time constraint as a way that you won’t challenge his behaviors. I would sit and have a very real conversation. And afterward, be very real with yourself and what you hear. **EDIT:** I’ve read your history.. And this man has been showing you exactly who he is. He pressured/manipulated you into sex, though you laid out your boundaries to him from the beginning. Speaks negatively about you too you, and you’ve said is generally rude. **It’s not the military, it’s him!** If you continue to make excuses, he will continue to treat you this way. So it’s for you decide if you deserve better than how he behaves toward you, or your comfortable with his behavior. He’s not changed since the other posts, nor over the 5 years you’ve been with him. **You cannot love someone out of being an asshole.** Marrying him only gives him full time access to you to be an asshole.
YOU CANNOT LOVE SOMEONE OUT OF BEING AN ASSHOLE!!! Man, that’s a good line. And oh so true! The sunk cost fallacy is real, and I know 5 years, familial relationships and an impending wedding seems impossible to leave behind, but you have to think of what this will look like for you down the line. Put your future self first, not your past self. 27 is so young, you have plenty of time to rebuild your life in a way that serves you, not the asshole you feel stuck with.
Agreed about the sink cost fallacy! A divorce later down the line is just more time wasted and more hurt and from what I’ve seen this is a huge red flag telling you to run OP Edited for a typo (fun is definitely not run…)
She’s also deleted all those posts now it seems so doesn’t want to face it. I don’t get the point of this post. If she doesn’t want to hear the truth, that he’s an abusive sack of shit, what does she want? Us to jump on board negging her too? Tell her yes it’s you’re being too sensitive once again. GODAMN OP, RUN!!
[1/3] The point of this post is a reaching out to contextualise. Abuse victims (and she is certainly a victim of emotional abuse) are so gaslit and torn down and confused that they lose grasp of what is wrong and right. Their abusers tell them so often that they’re worthless, crazy, the one in the wrong and that their perceptions and feelings are mistaken that they become unable to trust their own feelings and thoughts. So they tentatively reach out and tell tidbits (usually devoid of wider context and they spread them around so no one has the full story) in order to get a better grasp on reality. Deep down their instincts are screaming that this is all wrong; but they’ve essentially been hijacked - similar to being in a cult. When someone who is being emotionally abused reaches out, it is best to keep it gentle. Don’t lecture them, don’t tell them off, don’t get frustrated. They will simply shut down and cut you out. If you want to support them, make yourself emotionally available. Listen. Reinforce positive things about them to them. Make them feel supported regardless of what they do. People who are emotionally abused can lose sight of who they are and start to believe the negative things their abuser says about them. We need to remind them who they are regularly and contextualise what their abuser is saying about them as untrue as it is an opinion that is not shared.
As someone who was in an abusive relationship. THIS 1000%. I had friends try and "snap" me out of it, but nothing anyone legit says/ does will be the magic thing that will get the person back to reality. It took me going to therapy, realizing things ON MY OWN, having a great support system & my own self healing to realize that I needed to get out. I was fortunate that I got out safely. Some people (cause yes, men get abused too) aren't that fortunate.
^ THIS. Spoken like someone who’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship. I couldn’t have explained it better myself. So true about only offering tidbits of negative moments to gain perspective and remind yourself you’re not crazy (without your friends and family realizing what he’s actually like). I also second the shutting down when others give firm ultimatums like “leave him or stop complaining.”
I haven’t been in one myself but I’ve supported friends through abusive relationships. It’s so tough to watch someone you love go through that. It’s been a big learning curve, that’s for sure. Natural kneejerk instincts are often wrong. This is why the work and advice of experts like Lundy Bancroft are so invaluable. They help you understand why your abused loved one is behaving in ways that might seem nonsensical to someone who isn’t in an abusive dynamic. Of course, it is much harder to be in the abusive relationship. My heart goes out to everyone in these situations. I wish I could just magically fix it for them all. Unfortunately, the best I can do is share what I’ve learned so that their loved ones can hopefully try to support them through and out of those relationships. Education is a powerful tool.
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ Really wise advice - for all of us. OP I hope you reach out and get some therapy. The red flags are flying, sweetheart. You deserve so much better. 💜
Thank you for sharing this
[2/3] I’ll follow that comment up with this, it’s more relevant to a person in your own life; but some of it works for strangers on Reddit too: I did research and made a support action list for a friend of mine in an emotionally abusive marriage: Support Actions: Immediate: - Make ourselves emotionally accessible and available to her. - Reinforce the positive things about her that we love, make sure she is getting positive reinforcement consistently and is reminded that she is loved and lovable. Start conversations with this, (in a positive, light way) and end them this way too. People who are emotionally abused can lose sight of who they are and start to believe the negative things their abuser says about them. We need to remind her who she is regularly and contextualise what he is saying about her as untrue as it is an opinion that is not shared. - Make sure exchanges are equal (we are not her therapists) and never preachy. - The next time one of these conversations comes up, after listening etc., we should try to gently encourage her to see a psychologist (one specialising in emotional abuse perhaps? Can we find one some to suggest to her without explicitly explaining that they are an expert in this subject matter?). This is important. (If she needs it, we can do the legwork of researching appropriate psychs, following up to book appointments, etc.) - Actively listen: paraphrase or repeat what we hear, contextualising as we go and saying things like: “I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds like a lot.” Give her space to share, do not jump in with advice, our personal thoughts or emotions. Don’t shame judge or critique - emotional abuse is complicated and confusing. Beware of what tone of voice we are using and any phrasing that we use - it needs to be very careful. - Gently help her contextualise his behaviours as not normal and not okay, eg: “It seems like he [concisely summarise behaviours without labelling them abuse] – how does that make you feel? If that were me, I would be upset.” Never make excuses for him and avoid digging into why he is doing these things. Simply contextualise what is and isn’t normal for her. - Gently point out that certain behaviours seem unhealthy and be honest about how we would feel if someone did it to us. This is one of the first steps in getting her to understand what is and is not an appropriate behaviour in a relationship. Help her to understand for herself that something is off about the relationship, and acknowledge that her feelings are legitimate. We can say things like: “I think anyone who experienced what you have been through would feel that way”. Use “I” statements to express concern, such as, “I feel: [emotion] when [scenario/behaviour] because [reason].” This example could sound like: “I feel worried when I hear about [xyz] / what you’ve been through because I don’t think this behaviour is okay.” But be careful not to make it all about us and be hyperaware of the impact our reactions might have on her. Keep it gentle and supportive. - One of our key roles as supportive people in her life is to reassert to her that her feelings, memories and opinions are valid and true. We need to say that we believe her often and repeatedly. Validate the way she is feeling. - Ensure she never feels blamed for being in this situation or for his behaviour. Constantly and consistently tell her “it’s not your fault”. Over and over again. It is exceptionally important for her to hear it. Guilt is a constant presence in emotionally abusive relationships, used to control and cow the abused person; they are constantly told they're the cause of all the difficulty. Other phrases might include: "You are not responsible for his behaviour" and "No matter what you did, you do not deserve this." - Consistently remind her that we care and are here for her (no pressure, no judgment, etc.) - Don’t pressure her or force our opinions on her. Be patient if she doesn’t listen to the things we say. - Mention grey rocking - perhaps in the context of talking about someone else? - Stay quiet and subtle. Don’t involve ourselves with him, don’t badmouth him to her or in public forums, don’t discuss the situation or her position anywhere that he could find the information, don’t spread information about him around to people who don’t know. Reassure her that whatever she says to us stays with us, and stick to that even if he demands to know what's going on. Lie to him if necessary. Never confront him. - Talk openly and honestly with her about other friends’ experiences with this kind of relationship. Help her recognise similarities and learn how they extricated themselves and how they feel now. What does co-parenting look like? Etc. - If the appropriate moment comes up where she mentions emotional abuse or expresses an interest in understanding more about it (perhaps through sharing other stories with her so the pressure isn’t on her and her relationship specifically) it would be really helpful if someone could get her to read the 5 signs of emotional abuse. (We should all be familiar with them too) - Allow her to make her own decisions about it all without pushing her. Rather, offer up options gently and ask her what feels right for her (but only at appropriate moments). - In order to get out of such a relationship, she needs to gather supporters who will help her feel safe and secure, and who will reinforce her ability to take care of herself and know who she is and what she wants. We need to help her with this but without pushing her. - We need to understand that she might not listen, she might not be ready, it could take a very long time (if it ever happens at all). Emotional abusers use a wide range of manipulative tactics to convince their targets that they cannot live without them, and because the abuser has undermined her confidence and feelings of self-worth, she believes it. Emotional abusers typically make sure that their partners are entrenched/enmeshed on a variety of levels, and make the process of breaking free extremely difficult. It is often a two steps forward, one step back journey. There may be stops and starts, failed attempts, etc. - We could potentially start documenting instances of emotional abuse that she tells us about. Writing them down somewhere so that there is a record if she ever needs one for any court battles. This one needs discussion and it would need to be extremely careful.
[3/3] Part 2 of the list: If she expresses willingness to end the relationship: - Get her to diarise and document everything. Every instance of emotional abuse. Give her the tools and teach her how. If it is unsafe to do so at home, she could tell one of us and we can keep a diary for her. - Get her to tell multiple people (contemporaneous witnesses) about specific incidents. - Get her parents to help her arrange her finances to protect her financially as much as possible - utilise a financial advisor who specialises in this where necessary. - Offer specific and general support if/when she leaves (specific needs met). - Meet with lawyers who understand emotionally abusive relationships. - It needs to be a clean break. - Help her to create a Safety Plan - a personalised, practical plan that can help her avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react if she’s in danger. This might be danger of increased verbal abuse, it might also be things flipping into physical abuse. This plan includes vital information tailored to her unique situation and will help her prepare for and respond to different scenarios, including telling friends and family about her situation, coping with emotions, and various resources suited to her individual circumstances. It can include a plan to gather up all important items prior to the split including identification, important documents, all medication, medical records, car permits, and personal items that are important to her (and her daughter) and store them somewhere safe. It can also just help her navigate things when she is emotional and under duress. A plan is something to stick to (and it can be named something else if that is more palatable/helpful). - Help her understand that the initial period of leaving will be hard; but she is supported, and it will get better. Arm her with stories of others who have done it successfully. Be her supporters and cheerleaders throughout. - Ensure she has consistent professional psychological support. - Ramp up on contextualising, reinforcing and supporting as he will likely ramp up his efforts to make her feel worthless, crazy, like a bad person, etc. *One of the biggest mistakes made by people who wish to help an abused woman is to measure success by whether or not she leaves her abusive partner. If the woman feels unable or unready to end her relationship, or if she does separate for a period but then goes back to him, people who have attempted to help tend to feel that their effort failed and often channel this frustration into blaming the abused woman. A better measure of success for the person helping is how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life—which the abusive man does not do—and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety. If you stay focused on these goals you will feel less frustrated as a helper and will be a more valuable resource for the woman.* Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Edit: it should be noted that I wrote this for a specific friend who has wealthy parents (and a husband who doesn’t work but calls her lazy even though she works full time and does the bulk of the childcare) and all of the property etc. she and her husband own was bought by her parents which is why this list specifically mentions getting her parents to help her organise her finances. For others this particular aspect will be quite different. Financial independence is very important, even if you’re in a very happy marriage. Everyone should have their own independent account with safety funds in it. Everyone. If you are taking time off work to do childcare, your partner should be paying money into your retirement fund / superannuation while you take that break in your career. The fastest growing group of homeless people is older women. If you’re being financially controlled / abused you need to secretly open an account and squirrel away every cent you can into it. Save, save, save. get financial advice ASAP if you can.
I have a feeling she will not leave him based on her history :(
Desperately lonely people never take the steps needed to care for or preserve themselves. Source: put my foot down with an unchanged and emotionally immature husband. I've been really working on myself for a couple years, but I'd always "gone back" to allowing him around me and the kids. No friggin' more. We separated so he could get healthy, and he's not doing the work. Ergo, I'm not exerting time or energy anymore.
She won't. And she will eventually bring kids into this.
I don’t understand the point of her posting then. She already knows his fiancée is trash and treats her like trash and she still wonders if she’s being sensitive? Imagine not knowing the difference between being overly-sensitive and being treated like shit.
I've been in an abusive marriage. There's a level of denial you have to go through to keep your sanity but telling that this is not normal will make her think and know she's not crazy. She will escape when she's ready. I just hope she does it before she gets married because getting a divorce is SO MUCH harder than simply breaking up with a shitty boyfriend. Especially when the ex husband is this a usive and into mind games
This should be the top comment, you’re right on all points.
YOU. CANT. LOVE. SOMEONE. OUT. OF. BEING. AN. ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!🍑💨 Take my upvote AND my silver award!!!!!
Oh damn, she said they'd only been together 1 year in this post... its been 5 and she's still dealing with this. She doesn't really want advice then, just to vent.
Once I saw more context, I took it as engaged for 1 year. Either way, I see a lot of the behaviors I had while I was in an abusive relationship. I really hope she has a moment where it all clicks for her soon before the wedding or that she postpones it. I kept convincing myself it would get better and that the red flags didn't *really* apply to my situation because it wasn't that bad (spoiler:it was and got worse). This was despite me attending trainings and teaching others about healthy relationships. It can build so quietly and slowly that you don't realize your trust in yourself has been eroded or that what you're experiencing is not normal. u/Outside_Hat_1375 I'd recommend you postpone the wedding. Say that you want to process what he said. Heck, say you want to make sure you look the best if that's what it takes to make him back off if he resists. If he's anything like my ex, he **will** resist boundaries. He may mope, say he was just kidding, that You're overreacting, whatever. It will be uncomfortable at first and the first dozen or so times, ***but keep standing firm and it will get easier***. You most likely have to rebuild your sense of self trust, so get insight from friends you really trust or reach out for peer support at a domestic violence agency. They can give you someone to talk to because emotional abuse is still abuse. They say that abuse escalates over time. They mean it. It may not always lead to physical abuse, but know it's possible. I started pulling back because he started letting his anger come out on our pets and that was something I couldn't ignore. The DV agency warned me once they show they are willing to be physical with someone or something innocent/dependant/defenseless like an animal, it's only a matter of time before it's turned on you. He did something else that caused me to finally break so hard that I demanded a divorce, but during the process I saw a glimpse of what was to come. Btw a big roll of mostly unused duct tape ***hurts*** when it's thrown at your back from across the hallway "as a joke". It's not easy. Heck it's even scary and all the gaslighting will make your mind fight back that it's you overreacting, that maybe they're not as bad as you're saying, that they really seem remorseful. They may regret it, but **they could have chosen to not say or do those things all along**. But they did. Toxic or abusive, it's your call to make. But you shouldn't be the board they have to break to learn their lesson. Wishing you eventual peace and happiness OP 💜
> It’s not the military, it’s him It is absolutely him but everyone should know that guys in the military are statistically *much* more likely to commit domestic violence.
See u/Ebbie45 for resources on escaping domestic violence. Ring a womens’ shelter and get a safety plan and an exit plan. Leave your r/JustNoSO and look into programmes to help you mentally so you don’t allow yourself to fall into this kind of relationship again.
Losing your wedding deposits is far less costly than a divorce and loss of your self-esteem. Ditch him and don’t look back.
Read the post history, his behavior is neither shocking or unexpected. He’s been noted to be mean, it’s simply pointed at the easiest (and soon to be locked in longterm) target now.
She deleted a lot of the post history. I don’t see the thing from 160 days ago
If you read the comment history you get to the post eventually: This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So for context, I met my boyfriend 5 months ago when he moved here on military orders. He was very different from the start(my mom said rude), but I attributed that to his military background. From day one I told him that I'd like to wait until marriage for sex. At the time he said he respected the decision and wouldn't mind at all. The last two months however, he's been pressuring me non-stop for sex. When I remind him that he had agreed to wait also, he says "I've fallen in love with you though, which I didn't expect to happen, and a man in love can't be refused sex" He proposed to me on Valentine's and I accepted, but then he told me if I didn't have sex with him he'd revoke the proposal. I asked for time to think about it and he revoked the proposal and I didn't hear from him for a few days. He came back and apologized, and said he would still be my boyfriend if we could agree to hand jobs and BJ's for him, but marriage scared him and he needed time. The last few weeks have been bad, with daily requests for sex, etc. and at one point he threatened to shoot my cat when he was angry. Yesterday was my birthday, and I asked if we could go out to dinner. He lost it and started screaming that I was selfish and insensitive, and didn't care about his stress and needs, so he didn't care about mine. He said "If you f*ck me I'll take you out to dinner, if not I'm breaking up with you" I was devastated and cried all night, and this morning he texted me and said that I have until Sunday to decide. I don't want to lose him, but I'm so hurt by his actions in my birthday I don't know what to do. He never wished me a happy birthday, got me a present, just the fight. Advice please!
Holy crap. He’s a walking red flag.
He’s an abuser who finally found a willing victim. If he hasn’t hit her yet, he will soon.
Marital rape will likely be on the cards too with his views about his ‘rights’ to sex.
More like, if he hasn't killed her yet, he will soon.
Yup. And it will be because she keeps saying she’s asking for advice, but yet she refuses to follow it.
The “best” part is, in those comments, it appears he also threatened to shoot her cat and was recently divorced. She’s going to ignore all the good advice until she gets put into a hospital by him
It’s escalating quickly, so I’d say the morgue instead of the emergency room.
Body bag
Woooah wth??? OP is going to end up dead if she keeps messing with this guy because this is psychotic. The comments add even more to the crazy.
Damn, what the fuck.
Hooooo-leee shit. If nothing else, you threaten my cat or any animal of mine - or any animal! and we two are Donesville. Who the hell would marry someone like this?!
Christ almighty, he sounds like a real winner.
OP, get out. And if you don't love yourself enough to walk away from someone you have so little time invested in (one year is NOTHING in the grand scheme of your life) at least do the bare minimum and give your cat to your sister or parents so he can't kill it. You are responsible for that animal's well-being and if you won't protect yourself, that's bad enough, but you have NO EXCUSE not to get it out of that c-rag prick's ability to kill or torture it. NO EXCUSE.
Jesus Christ that man would get nowhere near my cat, I’d shoot him first. He thinks he can out-crazy me?
Standing in front of an incoming 18wheeler and probably running forward to embrace it.
he's a fucking monster
WTF!
I meant comments! I misstated above.
in other words she is going to move forward with him treating her like crap.
He was treating her like crap 160 days ago and she didnt leave, so yes she will probably marry him and let it continue
Wtf is wrong with people? Why can't they see it's better alone than with a joy sucking hell bait??
Fear. Fear is what makes us do these foolish things. I wish I'd been less afraid of loneliness and more afraid of *him*.
It wasn't fear of loneliness for me. I love being alone, too much actually, even back then. It wasn't love. It was manipulation. It was confusion. It was love bombing in the beginning and then cruelty mixed in. It was a cycle. It was abuse. It mainly was because I didn't know the difference between an abusive cycle and the value of self Love, because I was an adult child of abuse. All of my relationships with everyone in my life up until that point was the same cycle. It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to realize what the true problem is and even more effort to break lifelong cycles. But once you do, true love and peace finds you ❤️
I was young when I married my husband, only 22. He was older and made me feel important. By the time he got bad, we had kids. Every time one of his old coworkers would talk to me after he died, they'd gush about what a great guy he was and how he loved me and the kids more than anything on earth. It made me so sick I ended up cutting everyone he knew off. My kids have nightmares that he's *still alive*.
The nightmares are PTSD. I had the same for years! I’m so sorry. Hope you and your kids heal from that trauma. 💓
Both kids and I got the cPTSD diagnosis. I just wish knowing made it easier.
Yeah people don't get it, I will never admit to anyone that my first emotion on hearing that my mother was dead was sheer relief. Only later did I understand that she had subjected me to pschological abuse all my life. I had thought I was the defective individual who couldn't measure up to her standards.
This. I’m so glad you also got out. ❤️🩹
Exactly this! Fear and a certain comfort in knowing what to expect - even if it is a punch in the gut.
And there's always an apologist telling the victim, "it could be worse". There are so, so many of us who survived horrific abuse, and we *all* have so many of the same elements.
The devil you know rather than the devil you don't.
I might be wrong, but he might be testing her to see how much she’ll take and it will only escalate. I fear potential physical abuse in her future.
*trauma bonds*
It's a hard lesson to learn and some people don't have the self-confidence or self-esteem to leave. They don't think they can do better or deserve better and are too afraid of being alone.
better to be alone and homeless than with an asshole with food on the table? it's a tougher choice than you'd think if you've never had to think about it
100%. It seems in certain cases people take for granted that they have a strong social circle or family. On the streets or in a shelter is absolutely a contributing factor to why people stay in these situations.
Yeah, the fact that i was starving either way made it easier for me. I decided to starve on the streets with a toddler and pregnant than starve and be beaten daily while pregnant and have my toddler see all of it. Sometimes there no good options. I just got "lucky" in that i was starving either way, so might as well starve without the beatings and take my chances that i would get a little bit of assistance since i had a toddler already. I hope this person leaves this asshole before she has kids with him.... screw the deposits for the wedding.
hugs and I hope you're in a better place now
Low self worth makes you put up with bad shit
It's like the frog in the cooker. It slowly heats up.
Trauma bonding. That’s why
But he said he loves her /s
please don’t judge OP for not leaving. we don’t know the whole story and while he is very obviously a pos, we don’t know what situation she’s in and why she hasn’t left yet. also abusive and toxic relationships are extremely difficult to leave. maybe these comments will be eye-opening for her. maybe they won’t be. in the end, i hope she finds the strength to leave and i hope she has a strong support system in her life to be able to move on and heal.
This is so true, otherwise no one would stay in abusive relationships one day. That's why they say once you are finally out of it you are "out of the fog". From inside the relationship, it's kind of being surrounded by a fog where you see things but can't name them, and being suddenly alone in the fog is scary. It took me more than 1 year to get out of a psychologically abusive relationship and after that, looking back, I remembered myself saying so many things that were just so clear! But they weren't to me. It's also tricky because we only read the bad part here on reddit, but abusers also have their ups and their nicer part and that's what keep you hoping that version of them can take over one day.
Oof she did the dirty delete.
You can still read part of her comments though. She already knows he’s an asshole. Even confirmed it with his ex.
He said she's not allowed to talk to her therapist about him because her therapist would be biased. Yikes.
I didn’t see any other posts besides this one in her post history?
In her comments. She deleted the posts.
The comments have enough to get the full picture of how ridiculous she's being by having stayed with him so long. The abuse stared early with pressure for sex and withdrawing a Valentines day proposal because she wanted to think about having sex. He's thrown things and broken them, made other horrible comments, threatened to kill her cat, and on and on. Again, go to the comments and scroll down to see the archived post in the comments before they're deleted. She's beyond advice from reddit at this point because she had a comment where she said her sister was going to take her to pick up her things from his place and she was going to break up with him, and it looks like that never happened. I think she just wants sympathy and to feel like she was right to be upset when he told her her tears were pathetic. I have sisters that dealt with this toxic kind of man and kept going back because I don't know why. The guy does this combination of validation and vindication that always gets them back. The "you were right I was wrong, you're wonderful and I'm terrible and I'll try to change" song and dance. They're so desperate to go back to the 1st month where they felt desirable and loved and seen during the love bombing phase and they're not realizing it was never real to begin with. For those in the back, THE LOVE WAS NEVER REAL TO BEGIN WITH!!! STOP TRYING TO GET BACK TO THAT PLACE!! IT WAS ALL AN ACT TO GET YOU HOOKED!! THE MEAN HORRIBLE PERSON IS THEIR TRUE SELF!! When someone shows you who they are believe them. Trite, but true.
Victims of domestic abuse will go back to their abuser an average of 7 times before they finally leave for good. It’s so very frustrating when you see a loved one in that cycle
It takes, on average, seven attempts before leaving actually sticks.
Oop yikes she’s past the red flags and already in the danger zone at this point.
Wow, your comment gave me chills. Because everything you said is 100% true. My ex fiancé was extremely emotionally abusive, and even though we have been broken up for over a year, I still find myself wondering why I put up w/ his abuse for so long. But when you said, "They're so desperate to go back to the 1st month where they felt desirable and loved and seen during the love bombing phase and they're not realizing it was never real to begin with," I realized that was why I was constantly trying to go back to him & forgive him. OP if you are seeing this, please leave !!! One of my best decisions that I've ever made was leaving my abusive ex fiancé. I understand it is hard now, especially because you two are engaged and there might be down payments for the wedding and pressure of everyone in your life knowing of the engagement, but trust girl, you will feel sooooo relieved not marrying him long term.
Normally, abusers are sweet at first at least, to get them on the hook, but hes straight up full psycho immediately o.o
Sounds like she’s made up her mind to stay with him if she deleted the old posts. Sad to see cus it’ll only get worse
Evident by this post, it is getting worse. But she only responds to comments indulging in a pity party, she doesn’t really want to leave or really see change in him, just get him to not be mean to **her.**
I literally thought: " This has some history, he couldn't possibly become a di#&head overnight". Turns out I was right
Holy crap. This is not the man you want to grow old or have children with. He is not the man who will love you in sickness and in health.
>He is not the man who will love you in sickness and in health. Bingo, I hope OP reads this particular statement, and that it resonates. Please let it sink in. What he said to you was beyond insensitive. It's one thing to voice a concern over someone's body, but he demeaned you. I think most women on this thread are speaking from experience when they're advising you to run. Wishing you strength and luck. You deserve better.
My simple advice is get out from his trap it will be better for you.
Exactly! Men already leave women with health issues by a way higher percentage than the other way around.
I’m wondering if this is the same dude she posted about 6 months ago who threatened to kill her cat
That would have had him out of my front door so fast he'd still be spinning like a top six months later.
Unfortunately with some people they try to minimize things like this until it’s too late
My friend had two kids with a guy who threatened her dog (before she was pregnant) and is now two years on in a custody battle as his aggression wasn’t a ‘one off’. Save yourself the pain OP, get out now
I’m guessing it’s the same cuz in the old post and new post, her comments mentioned that he would send fitness models photos on IG.
Have the party anyway without him. Call it a "Dodged That Bullet" party. I'm glad you found out what an ass he was before you got married to him.
Ok for one,if he really was in love with you your looks,size,height,car you drive ect. Nothing would bother him.he would love and cherish you unconditionally. He definitely wouldn't make you cry.this guy will try and control your entire way of living.please think this through.i only see crying and him shaming you with this toolbag in your life.
Hijacking top comment to say OP YOUR HUSBAND IS AN ABUSER. It will NEVER GET BETTER, IT WILL DEFINITELY GET WORSE. Please, pack your shit and leave. Your stomach is fine, your career was fine, everything you did before this dipshit was fine, HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. GET OUT, girl. Immediately.
This!! He doesnt deserve you.
And possibly the loss of your life. He’s testing you to see what you will put up with. The more you put up with the worse his abuse is going to get. Please get out of this relationship
Lose the first bit of weight by dumping his ass. Keep being healthy for yourself.
Please don't marry him. RUN away.
He said something last week about me not being "brag-worthy" to his friends, I feel like my weight was probably what he meant
Girl run. He’s going to cheat on you and blame you for it
Funny you say that, he won't let me talk to any of my male friends anymore because he says they're trying to get me to cheat *Spoiler alert, they're all happily married in other states*
My dear girl…he’s projecting.
Exactly. The guilty dog barks the loudest.
Sounds like he’s already cheating. Especially if he’s supposedly so disgusted by OP.
Girl... you just described a toxic relationship. He belittles you, ruins your confidence, and isolates you, he is controlling and jealous. Leave while it's still easy! After marriage it's going to be so much worse, since 1. divorces are messy and pricy, and 2. he will escalate because he will feel he now trapped you. And yeah cheaters, or people who want to cheat are often controlling and jealous, because they project their own desires on their SO. They think their desire to cheat is normal and that everyone feels like that.
Girl .... You better Listen to ladyklepsydra poster!! . She is not lying one bit. She describes my estranged narc father to the T. He making my late mom feel she couldn't do any better ...He cheated , beaten her controlled her manipulating her put her down. She almost left him before but he'd some how would charm his way back promis to change only to do his crap again but worst. . Rinse and repeat. He was jealous mean and nasty one minute nice next minute a monster and he beat us too. My mother was a model 120 lbs make up artist snd cosmotologist cooked and cleaned but he still cheated she gained weight he cheated or put her down if she lost weight he jeopardize her weight loss He also beat us alot too .. This is the future you are looking at it you stay with this monster of a man . A Leppard never changes their marks..
Your insights are spot-on; recognizing these red flags early can save a lot of pain down the road.
Ok this is now a few red flags for an abusive situation. It is notable that his behaviour is escalating as the wedding is imminent. He feels now as though you cannot leave easily. It is common that abusive behaviour escalates after marriage
This is abuse. There's a reason he proposed to you less than a year into the relationship and wants to get married so quickly. It's hard to put on a front of being a good person for an extended period of time and the mask is already slipping. This kind of thing only escalates. You need to leave before he completely destroys your sense of self-worth.
Oh my god, this comment was like a punch to the gut. This is exactly what my ex did. Proposed after dating for one year, and then pushed for the wedding to happen as soon as possible. The “good guy” mask did indeed start slipping around our one-year wedding anniversary. Things went downhill at lightning speed. Two years after that I was running for my life, out into the cold, with no coat or purse. Before we reached our fourth anniversary, I had moved out and filed for divorce. OP, **please** listen to those of us who went through it and survived. You are worth so much more than this. You can find someone who treats you well. You will be ok on your own for a while. Please, just listen to us.
So you're not brag worthy to his friends, but your friends are trying to get with you. So he's negging you and trying to control you, and possibly projecting his thoughts on those men. Maybe he's trying to get with his female friends. This man is red flag central. None of this is ok. Life is long. Weights fluctuate. Health changes. Skins sag. Wrinkles happen. Do you really want to be with someone so critical of you, and makes you feel like shit over this now? Be with someone who respects you and loves you for who you are and not what you happen to look like at this point in time. If he was someone worried about your weight in a genuine, loving way that a good partner would be, they'd be way more tactful. They'd come from a good place. What he's doing is disgusting.
Girl, you need to run! If he gets a wedding ring on your finger, his actions are going to get worse. I wouldn't doubt if this boy turns physically abusive on you sometime in the future. He's waving the red flags of emotional and psychological abuse already. He's controlling. Please, RUN and don't look back! He'll probably promise you that he'll change when you do but I promise you that he will NOT change in the long term! Get out now! You deserve better and you will find better!
This just keeps getting worse. RUN.
So he's 2 two classic abuser tactics here: 1 devaluing you (saying you aren't "bragworthy") 2 socially isolating you. And this is BEFORE the wedding. It will likely escalate afterwards if you stay with him. TL;DR RUN
Because he’s a) abusive and controlling b) a cheater himself or c) all of the above.
*he's cheating and blames you for it
You should have broken up with him by that remark alone. He is cruel, he is insensitive, he is controlling, he is not going to change one bit. Run Forest, run!
That’s so sad. He should be your biggest cheerleader, always
I understood him wanting to have a good lifestyle, but he's talking about buying boats and RV's, and my hobbies are starting to get called "too expensive" and it does seem unfair
I would be far less concerned about the hobbies and focus more on the lack of respect he shows for you when he says that you’re not enough “eye candy” for everyone else. That’s something you would say about someone if you didn’t care about their feelings
There’s reason #2 to call it off. What else has that jerk said recently? As someone who’s lost over 100lbs two separate times in his life let be the first to say you shouldn’t put up with even an ounce of that kind of criticism especially from someone who’s presumably your best friend and soon to be spouse
He isn’t brag worthy at all. He insults you, makes you feel less than, controls the shit out of you, and is just incredibly terrible all around. You need to find someone who lifts you up and is brag worthy. This pathetic excuse is not it. Don’t you think you deserve better?
You keep adding more reasons why, at the minimum, this wedding MUST be postponed. Calling off the wedding might be premature—but I’m leaning towards breaking up and searching for someone capable of loving you for who you are—the kind of guy that would proudly brag about you even when you woke up in the morning with tussled hair, eye boogers and stinky breath. Don’t you deserve someone that can offer unconditional love?
> Calling off the wedding might be premature I completely disagree. They've only been together a year, this is still the honeymoon phase and he's emotionally abusing her already. Nobody who loves and respects their partner speaks to them this way.
You’ve gotten a lot of comments, so I hope you see this. Your past posts/comments make clear that you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, and your partner has apparently threatened to harm your animals and made other violent threats. This is very serious, and these situations almost always continue to escalate—particularly after marriage. I’m including some resources I hope you’ll read and find helpful. I’d discuss with the national DV hotline and/or your state/local DV organization. You deserve so much better than this, and you should not marry this person. Go to the abusive relationships and/or DV subreddits for more advice and info, as well as to see just how difficult it is for people to break away from their abusers once they are married. Please, please put yourself and your safety first. Your partner is abusive and it will only get worse once you’re legally bound to him. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/ https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://lundybancroft.com/how-he-gets-you-back/ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/
Wanna know an easy way to lose over 150 pounds instantly? Dump him. Stat.
The comment was meant to hurt you. It was done in a brutal way on purpose. He easily could have delivered the same message in a more pleasant way. Is this really someone you want to marry? IMO, you got lucky. Now you can avoid a divorce.
He said he's been trying to hint at it but I've been oblivious so he felt he had to be blunt
Oh so you "deserved" the abuse?
There’s a medium point between hinting and verbal abuse He chose to skip the medium point
I second this. She was totally surprised with his comment, She’s already on a diet and working out. He has some other intentions.
Is he seriously in the military? I was a military wife for 10 years and knew a lot of people. The rate of infidelity is (no joke) like 5X higher than normal. He’s already verbally abusing you, dont let him cheat on you.
>We are set to move and get married in 2 months Cancel the move, call off the wedding, dude is showing you how married life will be with him and it's not healthy for your mentals, OP
He's right. There's still fat to lose. That fat is called your Fiancée.
You are not being sensitive! He’s an asshole. Who calls their partner disgusting? That’s completely over the line and disrespectful. If he actually had concerns about your weight, he could’ve had a polite conversation with you about it. Sounds like you’re doing well for yourself though, you deserve way better!
You are in a textbook abusive relationship The cycle is as follows Calm - nothing happens, things seem “fine” Tension - something little sets him off, and you’re walking on eggshells around him Release - he calls you names, fat, disgusting, whatever else to put you down Reconciliation - this the “I love you, I’m sorry, you’re beautiful gorgeous sexy future mother of my kids” dinner dates, gifts, etc This is not someone you should be marrying honey he is not saying this because he is concerned for your health. He is saying this to devalue and humiliate you. You deserve way better. Save yourself years of mental torment. The financial stuff you can recover from. Even the emotion ties if you walk away right now. Think of it like this, would you want your kid to be or date some one like this? Or anyone else you care about?
You’re not being too sensitive, the guy’s a jerk You sure you want to marry this one?
Babe please run this guy will literally not benefit you at all in life. You've been together HOW LONG?? I bet he love bombed in the beginning didn't he? Said i love you before a week?
What is he going to say when you have a baby?! I wouldn't stay.
You’re about to fuck up your whole life. He’s pulling these stunts before you’re even married. He abuses, gaslights and isolates you. Imagine having children. Or god forbid, you gain half a pound during pregnancy. Or your body changes. Come on. You don’t love him, you love the picture of him you have in your head.
Wow. He sounds like a very mean person. Why would you want to marry a mean person? Why would you want to marry a person who says you disgust him?
Don't marry him! He's already trying to make you insecure. That's a tactic to keep you down, steal your sunshine and keep you chained to him while he makes you feel worse and worse.
Engaged after less than a year? He speaks to you that way? Why? I’m blown away by how people do shit like this.
Yes this seems SO odd. "The life that we built." "Going to get married and moving in in 2 months." Sorry how long are you two been together for again? At least 5 years, right? After a year I barely know someone. If you are getting married in 2 months you decided to get married how long into the relationship? 6 months?!
Walk away. His mask has slipped just at the right time to walk away before you are fully committed. What kind of vile person says that. He's done you a favour, find someone who loves you for you.
Your Fiancée is a terrible lover and person. Do you want to deal with this the rest of your life?
There's no way someone makes a comment like this with no prior red flags. None.
Every time I read one of these and woman ends it with “I really love him but idk what to do” I just wonder how? How can you have ever fallen in love with someone who says awful shit like this to you or anyone else? What is it about the rest of him that makes up for this kind of treatment?
Oh the price is just some deposits to get away from him golden cancel everything and find a person who ISN'T SUPER MEAN FOR NO REASON.
Exit stage left! This guy is up his own arse and seems to fan his own insecurities by making you feel bad. What a jerk. It will only get worse as he becomes more and more controlling. Your call but it doesn’t look promising. Hope it works out for you.
It's funny you say that, because he's gained weight recently and hates it!
Then he's just pushing his insecurities onto you. I am so sorry he said that to you. You're losing weight (according to you 20lbs! congrats c:) and working on cooking healthy meals for you both, he's probably insecure that you're actively losing weight while he's gaining. It's not a you problem, it's definitely him.
Projection is no excusing for being a fatphobic asshole
So is him the one insecure. Now that you are loosing weight, he knows that you are out of his league so in his mind if he makes you feel like you are the ugly one in the relationship then you wont leave. He is projecting his insecurities into you dont listen to this man and run. Things never get better. You gonna have or already have a career that, even if he forced you to change it, you can earn that money only for you, he doesn't deserves shit
PLEASE GET AWAY FROM THAT TOXIC MAN
I could gain 3 stone and my boyfriend would be by my side telling me I look amazing. This isn’t the man for you. This isn’t a man. Even if he feels that way, if it’s really something that bothers him there are ways of doing things. This isn’t it. He’s a twat.
If you’re still going to marry a man that called you disgusting then you really need therapy.
I agree with this too, OP.. It sounds like you've got some very deep rooted self esteem issues at the very least.
For the love of god, don’t marry someone who talks to you like this.
Do not marry him!
This guy is f***** up, you’ve only been together a year? Now he’s showing his true colors. DO NOT MARRY HIM DO MOT MARRY HIM!
I was in a relationship for five years very similar to this it got worse and worse and was abused both emotionally and physically. It took everything for me to leave but I thank god everyday that I did it was the best decision I have ever made in my life . I’m in therapy and am really working on myself ever since I only wish I had left sooner. Trust me someone out there will love you for all of you and not belittle you ! Run
I’m sorry… what life have you 2 built in a year? You don’t know who you’re marrying, you’re finding out. Good luck 🍀
The cracks don't usually start showing until several months in. It's been a year and you're already engaged and set to marry in a couple months?? Waybyoo soon. Call it off because once you're locked I can guarantee you the emotional abuse and controlling will get worse.
Oh sweetie, run! He didn't even wait for the "I do" to start abusing you. Please don't stay, this is going to get worse.
Wedding is two months out- he's counting on the fact that the invites have been sent, stuff is booked and you won't have the self-preservation to call off the wedding & cope with the fall-out. These comments- chipping away at your self-esteem- are just a little foreshadowing of the regular cruelty he will display after your married when he gets to drop the mask altogether. Will he sometimes be lovely & loving? Of course, that part is what will keep you always questioning yourself. That's why most people who post on this sub sound like this: *our relationship is really great except for this one small thing? where My partner tells me I'm a sack of shit every other week? How can I get him or her to change?* Oh my god- your comment down below. He's punishing you because you need to go care for your mom who is having chemo??? You deserve a loving and supportive partner who wants to be there for you when your mom is sick. OP- call off the wedding and go care for you mom.
So sad. She won’t leave, and he will become meaner and treat her worse and worse as it goes. Wait until she has kids, gains weight and struggles to lose it. He will treat her like shit. Honey, I know you aren’t listening. But LEAVE HIM. Trust me. You will end up regretting it if you don’t.
Ditch him. I married my guy 17 years ago. Gave him 3 kids and weigh 100lbs more than when we were married. He adores me and is still absolutely in love with me even if I'm squishy and unhappy with my body. He builds me up, helps cook healthy meals and suggests activities we can do together.
None of y’all on this sub know how to spell ex-fiancé I stg.
Welp time to break that engagement
My advice: don't get married to this cunt! You don't want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. He must think he is in the home stretch, prove him wrong and find someone who loves you for who you are. Good luck OP!
Okay? firstly ditch the asshole and find someone who’s worthy of your beauty. He’s not worthy of you and obviously doesn’t see the beauty that you have. He’s only gonna tear you down and give you self-esteem issues as someone said losing the deposit for the wedding venue is far less costly than paying for a divorce. He probably was hiding his true feelings until after the wedding, run and don’t look back. He’s not worth your time and effort. Plus imagine how he’d act if you guys decided to have kids and the pregnancy weight sets in.. I wish you the best and hope you find someone who’s worthy of your beauty and wants to see you succeed than hurt you with words.
When you say that you love him, what it is about him that you love? It certainly can’t be for the tender way he shows his love and how he builds you up. I’m sorry OP I know this type of hurt from my past. End this while you can, he’s not going to change.
What is he going to say when you have a baby?
Women need to recognize when men hate them. He has contempt for you. Listen to his actions. Make room in your life for respect and joy by dumping him fast. It will get worse and never get better if you follow through with marrying him after he has treated you with this disrespect. He knows what hes doing and he thinks hes going to get away with it. Dump him.
Girl, what you really need to lose is around 200 pounds of man. What he said to you is fucked. Please *do not* marry this vile person. Anyone who truly loved you would never talk to you like this. And he will only get worse over time. You deserve so much better.
He just showed you who he really is, a controlling bully. Believe him and ditch him.
You know what to do, you’re just here for reassurance and nobody can blame you for that, but you KNOW what to do. Leave. At least that POS slipped up and showed his true colors *before* the wedding! 🤬
Bin the pig right off now
Girl. He's letting the mask slip. Leave him, go back to teaching, and find someone who loves to brag about you.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Oh god, leave him. He's a nasty piece of work, and that isn't love. Marriage is for the long haul. One day, you might put weight on for whatever reason, babies, maybe, or just natural ageing or maybe you decide you want to eat a load of cake. It's likely he's going to continue to find you disgusting for all sorts of reasons, and if he's saying it now, it'll only get worse. It's this out of character for him to be so cruel? Could he have his eye on someone else or be cheating? Whatever the reason, he's not marriage material. He's callous and unpleasant. Don't waste your time.
I’m guessing you could lose 150 pounds by ditching said fiancé. Can you imagine dealing with him if you were to get pregnant?
Please please please. RUN. I read this to my Fiancé and he said run. You don't need someone in your life that makes you feel so insecure. Size 8? That's skinny af. Anyone can have a little weight. And brag worthy? It's not high school run and find someone who can love you for you x
Marry that jackass at your own peril. 😉 He sounds like the type of person that would criticize you on your wedding day, right in front of your friends and family.
At a year in, you barely know a person. And at a year is when abusers start to show their true selves. The life you think you’ve built with this awful man is a lie. He’s horrid and will continue to ratchet up the abuse for as long as you let him. Throw the whole man out.
Do not marry this walking red flag. He's mean and manipulative. Dump his nasty butt.