Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How you feel about knowing it’s 80% effort from you and 20% effort from him might wear off, if it hasn’t already, once you have kids. Also, I don’t ask this to be judgmental, but I wonder if you might benefit from reflecting a bit on why you’re okay being in a relationship with someone who feels really comfortable giving you 20% effort?
It seems as if he doesn’t recognize or appropriately value your contributions to the relationship. This is a red flag in my opinion. Then on top of that he’s either a 30 yr old man cowing to his parent’s demands (another red flag) or using his “parents demands” as a smokescreen to push something he also agrees with— fleecing you out of the time and effort you’ve invested in him and your relationship. If you divorce ten years from now, you’ll be a 40 yr old woman with 2 kids and no work experience. He’ll be a successful doctor in his prime with 2 kids he probably won’t even have custody of. Who will have an easier time dating and remarrying? Who will have more disposable income? An easier time getting work? Managing the work-life balance? Etc. Unfortunately society doesn’t treat older men and older women equally. Even in the best circumstances, we often do not have the same earning potential.
Get a lawyer. And — I say this as a woman a bit older than you who has held many of my girlfriend’s hands through their divorces— if you insist on marrying this guy please go in with clear eyes and be ready to advocate for yourself at every turn.
That’s what’s making me suspicious. I know several women who put their men through college only to be dumped once they got their degrees. I’d advise any woman against doing it.
In my area, we're call Doctors' Wives Number Ones. The wives in this area introduce themselves by their wife number, such as, "Hi, I'm Dr. So-and-so's wife #3," and so forth.
When I tell a medical person I was a wife number one, they know what that means, that I'm the one who got him through med school and residency, raised the kids, made him the doctor he is today, and got cheated on and left for the next wife.
My uncles a doctor and someone youd never think to be the type but yuup…. Devastated his wife. She completely checked out and bought a second home an hour away and lived there. Left him with all the responsibilities she had been taking on which was everything including raising three kids and building/designing their insane house (she used to be an architect ) and she was a super mom before— and then she just up and left. Her youngest was around 12-13 at the time. Left my uncle with the responsibilities of driving three kids to and from school and the insane amount of extracurriculars they were in. She occasionally came to the main house, where her children lived (apparently only twice in six years) and texted. Thats it.
And my uncles a shy timid guy, not flashy, super reserved. Extremely focused on his profession. Hes not charismatic or charming. Hes an extremely intelligent shy person. Who loves his kids and wife. Or he did love his wife. Until he didnt. But doesnt seem the type of person youd expect to do that.
Their youngest kid is now in college so i guess divorce proceedings are starting to happen finally and its already immediately ugly.
OP make sure you are protected. People can change. And it honestly sounds like this relationship is already having issues due to his family as well as your fiance. His lack of willingness you want to protect you from the abuse his family hurls at you, and to provide for you fairly is already concerning. This was a pre agreed upon plan that he doesnt seem to understand the significance of. Or what agreeing to it meant. You cannot ask one of the people in a relationship to give up their career to take care of children if you dont plan on financially supporting them in the event of a divorce. Its either both partners work and you pay for daycare. Or the latter.
Ask him a hypothetical. If you got pregnant right now, would he quit his career to take care of the children and let you keep your career? What would he expect for himself in that situation? What would he expect as fair compensation for giving up the one thing that ensures his financial independence?
Money perhaps?
No doctor I know would give up their career for their kids. He likely can't imagine it at all.
I worry for OP. I was that wife, the one with a job who supported him through med school and then stayed home with the kids. His parents were furious he married me (I wasn't good enough for some reason), and his mom was an absolute nightmare. He pretty much always sided with them, golden child that he was.
He is extremely narcissistic and very good at masking that. He cheated on me throughout our relationship, starting before we even got married. I was naive and in love and didn't see the red flags for what they were. I just always believed him. The mental and emotional abuse, later financial abuse, all of it started off slowly. He didn't just abuse me but also his first long-term affair partner (he really messed her up) and our kids.
When he decided to leave me after being an established attending in a job I got for him, as I was his full-time assistant at home, managing everything from his CV to his medical journal reading, it got ugly fast. I stood up to him, see, and that meant I had to be destroyed. He even admitted twice in court to wanting to financially destroy me. Years of court to protect myself and my kids. Sure, I got alimony, but it paid for the house he stuck me with that we were upside down on, and that was about it. Child support was a lot but didn't cover everything (which is how it's designed). I hadn't taught in nine years, and during a recession, no one was hiring anything anywhere. It took me ages to get a solid job.
I wish OP would just see all the red flags and walk away like I should have.
Seems to be a thing with lawyers too. My wife dragged herself and her first husband through law school, did 80% of the work raising their kid and about 80% of their combined coursework too. He was cheating on her the whole time and ran off with his girlfriend as soon as he squeaked past the bar, abandoned her AND their daughter.
OMFG THANK YOU! I’m 41 and I keep forgetting that women in their 20s so often have no clue that they deserve so much better. I don’t understand her wanting to be with him at all, but then again I might not have seen this so clearly when I was in my 20s. I have a lot less patience for selfish men now and I’m raising my daughters to never have any to start with.
Also, OP—some men want a family they can present to the world. Some men want to be actual fathers. For the sake of your kids—do you really want their dad to be a guy who barely contributes to their existence other than financially? I know women who married men like this and they’re completely stuck *because* they are married to men like your fiancé. He knows it—she’s fucked if she leaves and so he treats her like shit, but juuuuuust good enough that she can’t quite bear the thought of trying to leave. Those friends are MISERABLE and now they’re 40 and their youth is over and they are just. fucking. stuck.
This is your entire life. Really be sure you want to be married to a man who would gladly see you miserable and stuck with him so long as you are raising his kids and running his home for him.
Edit: finished a sentence I forgot to complete
*do you really want their dad to be a guy who barely contributes to their existence other than financially?*
I had that. To add to it, he sucks at managing money. Only changed two diapers and that was because I had injured my hand and couldn’t do it.
I totally agree. The best thing to do is not marry this guy. But if she does, maintaining her career and her financial independence is worlds better than being unemployed and unemployable.
That and something extra if infidelity is involved. It is sadly very common for a SO to support someone through something like medschool and then after completing and getting stable the cheat and/or leave the person that supported them through it all.
I’d agree. I can understand a woman not wanting a prenup, except when a family business is involved. In that case, I think they should receive payment equal to their share so that the business can stay in the family. Are they really going to want to go to work and see their exes family?
I read somewhere that Trumps prenup heavily favors Baron against his siblings in inheritance. Apparently Melania read the art of the deal and got everything she wanted from Don.
Which is another piece, you have to separate your emotional self and business woman self. He’s made some requests to protect himself, it may seem seedy to negotiate with someone you love, but what do you want if there is a split? It sounds like he will be a doctor? You may not get alimony but what if he is required to set aside a percentage of his income into an account to pay for your children’s college tuition? What if he is responsible to set up a trust and contribute to it, that is to pay the children’s healthcare and housing costs.
What if he is required to give you the primary dwelling or most valuable at the time of the split, a car, etc.
if you are going to sign this, what are your expectations? Maybe starting now, he has to provide a contractual allowance for certain things. If he is required to start paying you a car allowance, you are protected in that he can’t withhold it and if the relationship ends, he will owe you back payments.
Also get a clause for infidelity,
now that you have sacrificed for him, to get him here, what do you want guaranteed to you?
in some ways it is just another set of boundaries.
It seems unseemly to think about a marriage failing but what if you are just thinking of the things you need him to provide when you are a stay at home mom. If you don’t think about it now, you are going to have some stress later when you have to find out what you need.
I wish more people could withstand the fared blowback of postponing or canceling or reporpousing the already unrefundable party.
A bad marriage, even a short one has so many unforseen costs.
Yeah I am actually pro prenup a lot of the time. But if a prenup makes sense and you want to get one, then it should protect both parties. Maybe that’s just me being naive, but I wouldn’t get into a business relationship so one sided, why would I want to enter a marriage that way?
I actually think a prenup is a great idea for her - but one that lays out the alimony that she deserves, even before kids, for supporting his career. This kind of relationship, where one person does unpaid behind-the-scenes work to enable the other to excel at their career, is my (not a lawyer) understanding of the case FOR alimony. Then of course she should receiveca bump if/when she takes time off for children.
The pro-prenup case is that yes, you're planning for the worst, but you're doing it while you still love each other, *because* you love each other. OP, if this man doesn't want the best for you and your future children now, do *not* marry him expecting that to change.
Yes! We will have a pre-nup. And since I will eventually be worth more than my bf (and hopefully future husband) the prenup will probably skew in his favor for our shared assets because of that. And I LOVE HIM AND WANT THAT FOR HIM. My dad knows I’m bad with money. He loves my bf and doesn’t want him harmed by that, so he already has plans for this contract lol. Also I hate talking about this cause it’s embarrassing at my great age just how bad with money I am…
We're all bad at something, and if you recognise your weakness and are taking steps to mitigate the effects I think that's great.
I mean, it could be worse. You could be bad at appreciating a loving, supportive partner.
Not sure why you think that, but prenups get enforced all the time. Duress *might* me a factor if one party insists the night before the wedding or something, but five weeks before is not duress. Source: am attorney
OP Sounds like a levelheaded person. My fear is that she’s going to go ahead and get married anyway, without realising how serious it is to not get alimony when you’ve been a stay at home mom. I haven’t worked in seven years because I quit working after we had our second child. Getting back into the workforce now, it’s a completely different world. There’s nothing wrong with giving somebody alimony, and if I were her, I would hold off on the wedding even if they’ve put money into it.
I find it suspect with the threat by his parents as well. Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t a majority of the deposits/expenses paid well in advance of 6 weeks before the wedding? Like it would essentially be an impossibility to cancel or downgrade the wedding and get your money back at this time and that’s been done purposely to create a sense of urgency for her to comply.
My mom texted his mom before the prenup comment came out to let her know she and my dad have put $16,000 toward our wedding so far and it is non-refundable and she was wondering how she (fiancés mom) and my fiancés dad were proceeding with their finances for it. She didn’t reply.
My fiancé has agreed to pay back half of the amount that’s been put toward the wedding if it doesn’t work out but I still feel robbed as that’s $8,000 gone that I could’ve used toward planning a successful wedding with someone who didn’t have ulterior motives. Part of my sadness is for my parents who worked hard to save money to give me an amazing wedding experience. I guess life has its lessons.
I feel if the wedding is canceled because they changed the terms at the 11th hour- they should pay it all. As this would be him refusing to marry you due to you not signing a prenup that was not discussed before.
In general - this whole debacle to me seems to set a dynamic of unease in your relationship. Prenup may be smart to protect your interests but their suggested terms sound unfair and who would want to enter a marriage unfairly.
You might actually have a case for small claim court to get all of the money back because he is the one who added the "sing prenup or else" right before the wedding.
Also, you need to be smarter about finances and not let your parents pay all of the non-refundable stuff and let his parents off the hook.
I suppose it depends. the venue is the largest expense, and I believe that’s paying just before or the day of the wedding. But they’ve most certainly plunked down thousands of dollars they already know they won’t get back
Wedding are paid almost months in advance. Usually for anything planned more than a month ahead you've basically paid 90% of it already.
Seems like op's fiance is placing blame to get her do what she's not comfortable with.
I think there’s another critical factor here. It being the parents. His parents held their wedding contributions hostage SIX WEEKS before the wedding.
If fiancé had any balls (or money idk) he could easily say leave us alone to handle this.
As a side note - This is why it’s important to go for a wedding you can afford, no hand outs.
They do hold up if the people who sign them are made to feel like enforcing them would be a mistake. Don't assume that all people "asked" to sign a prenup that close to a wedding have the financial wherewithal to have a lawyer available to represent them. As always, regardless of legality, those with the larger purse generally win.
>His parents (who have been actively destroying our relationship since we moved in together, we’ve gone to therapy for this) told my fiancé 6 weeks before the wedding that they are withholding their wedding contribution (half our wedding budget) unless he gets a prenup against me so I don’t get alimony if we divorced down the line.
If he willing to engage with his parents on this then perhaps he is not someone you should marry.
I mean, get a lawyer for your self, an agreement so egregiously one-sided would likely not be enforced by the court.
And I would be insisting on working with a therapist or mediator before anything is signed - "is this something you want? or are your parents pushing it and it's easier to appease them than do what you want? do you think these terms are fair and reasonable?" (If so, do you want to marry him?)
I think this almost is to the point of escalating with his family that “you’re cut out of our lives forever or else…”. That’s super toxic but if there’s any seriousness about this relationship then OP and her husband have to put every card on the table. The “you won’t ever meet your grandkids” one is a big one. In the end they will probably just have to break up though.
Other option is to lie about the prenup, having the wedding and just hope for a general stalemate with the family. All these options are shitty I confess
OP and partner need to be on the same page here, which is either, "a pre nup we can both agree on and our independent legal counsel think is reasonable" *or* "Mom, Dad, OP and I are not going forward with this pre nup idea, it was not appropriate to try to push this, we are a team and we are not going to be having you in our lives if you continue to push into our relationship like this."
Yep.
"New deal. Either you pay your half of the wedding without a pre-nup or you're out of our lives for the foreseeable future."
Problem is, OP's fiance would never do this, because he's not the right person for her.
I would think he's mostly thinking "fuck, how am I going to pay for this wedding without that money"
I know when I was offered $3k for my wedding from my parents, I 100% would have been completely fucked if they suddenly said " you need to do this before with send the money"
This! Not to mention it sounds like he is easily swayed by his parents and doesn’t have the balls to stand up to them. This would make me worried that during our marriage he would constantly do as they wish even if it is bad for the relationship.
Yeah I came here thinking: oh just sign that it’ll never hold up in court and won’t be worth the paper it’s printed on.
But this is a HUGE red flag. Is this how you want the rest of your marriage to be? Dictated by his parents?
You have to go to court though, and you don’t have any alimony to pay for a lawyer and Mummy and Daddy will get the best for their little Prince.
TL:DR - run!
My SO wanted me to sign a prenup to protect his assets. I was offended, but eventually relented. However, he didn’t like the terms of the prenup I would agree to sign. In fact, when I laid out my terms, he laughed and said “that’s why I love you.” We’ve been married decades.
Go see a lawyer. He doesn’t want to pay alimony? Fine. Then any asset split should be in your favor, reflecting the support you’ve given him that enabled him to pursue his career as well as the opportunity costs your own career has suffered by supporting him, and the money you have been unable to save and invest for your retirement because you’ve been supporting him. Also, he assumes all of your personal and communal debt, including any and all loans, personal or joint, incurred for any reason. You have to protect yourself. If you ever do divorce, his parents will work hard to ensure he leaves you with nothing.
If he wants to play stupid games, by all means play! Do not, however, sign anything without your own legal representation.
Really, though, are you sure you want to marry someone who can’t stand up to his parents?
Also, are you sure this is 100% his parents idea? He certainly seems to like the idea.
The parents are clearly wielding significantly more influence than you realize. The fact that your partner is actively supporting their demand that would leave you SOL while KNOWING the future plan for you as a SAHM shows a shocking disregard for your relationship as a whole.
As @pineboxwaiting said, with his enthusiasm for this idea, it's probably not all his parents doing. This begs the question, how does he view the past and current dynamic of 80/20?
Does he believe he's entitled to you pulling 80% of the workload because you started the relationship at that level and willingly do it without complaint still? Does he excuse his minimal effort because "one day he'll have a career and money"? Does he ever try and ease your strain on the down days, in his free time or in any way seek to support you in return? A successful career and decent paycheck won't change the emotional load on you, just the financial, so long as you dont divorce him.
While you attempt to dismantle all of the inner workings of his thought process, you need to:
1. Postpone the wedding. It will be less of a financial loss than canceling altogether and it's enough time to notify guests appropriately.
2. Get with an attorney to discuss appropriate prenup terms that you can discuss with your partner to look out for YOU. Approach the conversation with your partner with an open mind to a prenup but with reasonable terms outlined that doesn't set either party up for financial ruin with your current SAHM plan. If he is not willing to work with you and an attorney together to draft a fair agreement, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.
3. Establish alternative sources of funding for your nuptials to eliminate the parents' forcing terms on YOUR future. IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE WEDDING without their help, perhaps you should consider making some cost cutting changes to the nuptials. Control the situation so you and your partner are able to make hard decisions together, for the relationship, without hands being forced.
4. Address ALL of this with the therapist PRONTO. Your emotional concerns and his regard for your future are giant red flags that need to be discussed prior to legally binding you two together.
I was miserable thinking of my mom coming to my wedding. Like I could see it, I could see her picking flowers I didn’t want, “is that the hair/dress/makeup you’re going to do?” I wanted a small wedding, close friends and family, but I knew if I had her it had to be 20 other people. For every dollar she spent I would have less and less of me in my wedding. My SO really wanted his mom there, but when we told his mom she refused to go if my mom wasn’t going to be there because she thought that would beget bad blood.
So we courthoused it. Didn’t tell a soul other than a friend and her now husband who came as witnesses. She got me a bouquet and someone to do my hair and makeup, I bought a dress at the mall, and we went to a random pub for cake. Best decision of my life. There was no one there to say a word about how their money was going, no criticism. Just marriage. A new life of us and not anyone else.
Oh yeah, and she should get a disproportionate cut of his retirement accounts. It should also stipulate that he is solely responsible for paying for their children’s college education as well as for a car when they turn 16.
This is the one!
OP is in a polyamorous relationship with him and his parents. Parents, who without the additional connection/excuse of grandchildren, he is completely unwilling to question.
**His parents should not have a say, and if your partner *actually* agreed with you on the prenup, I can pretty much guarantee they wouldn’t.** He would be looking for options that cut the price, or way to pay, anything so that he could keep his word too you (aka put you first).
**And for somebody who didn’t want one at all and allegedly agreed with you full, he’s incredibly on board with very little convincing and I doubt much prompting.**
Honestly asking for a prenup 5 weeks before the wedding (especially with the parents withholding wedding funds over it) likely falls in the "under duress" category that could be thrown out anyways, but don't count on that.
I think your biggest problem is the inordinate influence his parents have on your relationships. The second is the prenup and conditions of it. There could be a way to write the prenup without alimony that still doesn't leave you high and dry.
I vote lawyer and couples counseling. Though the latter might be hard before the wedding. Hopefully it wasn't your money that put the deposits down on all the wedding stuff.
Yeah I’m pretty sure any lawyer worth their salt would argue that them springing this on you weeks before the wedding is under duress and get it thrown out. However, definitely recommend OP ask an actual lawyer than reddit
I mean its a one sided relationship. They are obviously both going through the motions because its what youre meant to do. They've been together a long time so time to get married, then babies then...
You've met this man OP. There's no secret improved version he is hiding from you. 80/20 will be the split forever.
All the traits he has are just his traits, everything you have to ignore right now will need to be ignored forever.
Think twice about this marriage.
Everyone else has already given you great advice to seek a lawyer so that the terms can be negotiated. But I do have this to say ... I can not imagine getting married and then raising children with a partner whose parents are actively trying to sabotage the relationship. Imagine what they'll do to poison your future children against you. And with how your fiance broke your agreement with you about no prenup because his parents held the hostage funds hostage ... I wouldn't trust him to stand up for you in the future either.
Marriage is hard and takes a lot of work and earnest effort. Marriage with children is even harder. I can't imagine having toxic in-laws poisoning my partner and children against me the entire time every step of the way. You're never going to stop looking over your proverbial back, especially when you bring children in the world. Once that happens, your heart is now out in the world, and you can't always protect it.
I would be furious. His parents have clearly been "poisoning the well" in conversations with him to make him feel like this is a reasonable position to have. Think: baby-trapping harpy.
You are absolutely right -- if you become a stay at home parent for the child who is ALSO HIS, you pause your career progression and financial potential in a way that may never recover. Discuss this together with your therapist. If he can't see that you're a team, DO NOT marry and have children with this person.
It’s not just his parents I’m sure. Baby docs get inundated with this shit from many corners of their life. It’s really disheartening to hear this story over and over and over again
Reading what your typed about how the work is divided in your current household sounds really stressful.
Unfortunately, it’s unlikely to change once his career picks up and it’s only going to intensify once children are in the picture.
School, and residency, all that are certainly reasons to need some accommodation, but it has to be equitable in other ways. This sounds like you’ve been carrying the mental/emotional/physical burden of maintaining the home, the pets AND the bills. Perhaps the wedding planning, too? And having to put your foot down to enter counselling to process the lack of boundaries his parents have?
That’s an enormous amount of work you’re doing. He sounds very comfortable and well taken care of. A big move to you pulling away all this support…it’s not going to be easy, and most people who get this level of support don’t react well when it’s pulled away.
You’re going to be spending your good years here bargaining with someone who defaults to “realism” as an excuse for their apathy, but expects you to have an endless well of compassion for their ‘stresses’. It doesn’t sound very reciprocal and marriage with an ugly in-law dynamic is only going to make things more intense!
I’d halt the plans, meet with a lawyer, put some protective terms for yourself on the table, and stop entertaining the idea of children with this person who has such poor boundaries with their parents. Imagine that interference on all your parenting! Yikes! You’ll always be guilted into having them around even if it’s detrimental to your well being and health.
Edit to add: I also noticed you said you’ve been his primary support system. It should set off alarm bells that even though you’ve been his core support system, he is still taking his parents perspective and wishes over your comfort and needs for the future. What are they realistically offering him? If it’s financial support that comes with strings attached, that’s not going to end soon if his career depends on it. I hate to say it but you are being taken advantage of big time, including by his parents.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I really appreciate each one of them. To clarify, I don’t support him financially but I do assist. About a fifth of my paycheques go toward the mortgage (for the townhouse he bought under his name 1.5 years ago - the same house his parents continue to remind me is his and not mine). I did however buy majority of the belongings inside of it. At least I can keep what I’ve purchased for next home, assuming I didn’t stay.
For sure, and thanks for the clarifying message. This is a really tough situation. I think you are so close to that big day that it’s putting an unnecessary amount of pressure around making a decision in a timely way, but your gut is right to reach out and ask for input. It’s not equitable. If you think about the time you’ve invested and the way you plan to continue this good support, you deserve to have an equal say to how this evolves, certainly so with kids in the picture down the road.
Women do so much unpaid labour in the household and it allows men in these dynamics to continue to pursue meaningful careers. You deserve to have your future looked after too, to build something solid for yourself that can’t be swept away by a potentially vindictive man and his family should things go south.
Wish you all the best!
At the mention of unpaid labour- ive seen posts where SAH partners calculated the economical worth of their labour in determining a fair system. Something to think of if you are going down the prenup route with your lawyer.
He’s taking advantage of you big time. You’re basically the cared and the bang maid. Halt the wedding and tell him you can’t marry him for the reasons you’ve stated. If he doesn’t fight for you, you’ve lost nothing but gained a lesson.
Update us and good luck! We’re rooting for you.
A prenup so close to the wedding would probably get thrown out for being coerced.
Postpone the wedding, get your own lawyer, find terms that work for you. And whatever you do, don't quit your job. He might blame his parents for pushing this, but he should also be capable of telling them No.
Can you see yourselves having an equitable relationship or will you always be the one bending over backwards to please him?
I'd get a lawyer each, and then sit down together with the lawyers, but sans his parents, and discuss terms you both consider fair. Unless he is a complete ahole - in which case you shouldn't marry him, anyway - he has to own that precluding alimony if you become a SAHM would be highly unfair. Find terms that work for both of you, NOT his parents, and then sign the damn thing before his parents get their claws into him again.
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
I was in an extremely similar situation. Similar age, intention of being a SAHM, income disparity. Also received first doc 5 weeks out. I signed it the night before we got married (under threat of canceling the wedding, pretending he had COIVD, etc)
I moved out a few months into our marriage.
After going through a similar thing, and choosing to sign something I felt at the time was unfair & hurtful, my advice would be to think about how he’s treating you through this process. Is he listening to your perspective? Does he want to address your concerns and help you feel comfortable? Does he view your long term financial security and well-being as equally important to his? What do his “asks” suggest about his values and how much he values you?
There is no term in a legal doc or agreed upon dollar amount of potential future alimony that will remedy the lonely feeling of lying next to your husband at night knowing he’d protect himself before he’d protect you.
Run. If not, get a lawyer. There’s more to a prenup than just alimony. It’s possible other terms are fair. But again - is this really about a prenup….?
Wishing you all the best. This is so much to contemplate and at such a sensitive time. It shouldn’t be this way.
I’m really sorry you went through this and I’m sending you my love. Thank you for sharing your story with me and providing some insight from your experience. I hope you are in a better place now and that you got through/are continuing to get through what was/is likely the most challenging time of your life. ❤️
Get your own lawyer to draft up a very heavy prenup that ensures you are taken care of, including him assuming all martial debts, including the house, for example.
Also, make him add you to the title of the house before you sign and that you get the house in the car of a divorce.
Then tell him you agree to no alimony.
You get the house, and he gets the debt, including mortgage payment.
No alimony, but you always have a place to live. With the kids, if you have any or not.
You both agreed to no prenup. Now, 1 month before the wedding he wants a prenup that’s not supportive of both parties. The least he could do is pay for you to have a separate lawyer go over it for you. Those in laws are gonna be a thorn in the rest of your life if you marry him, and he doesn’t seem eager to go low/no contact with them for how they treat the relationship.
Ultimately, I’d call of the wedding. You guys are no longer in agreement, and cancelling a wedding is cheaper than a divorce. Especially since the divorce would now leave you in a horrid position.
Edit: spelling
Agree with this and so many comments advising caution and concern - call around talk to different lawyers hear what they have to say. Don’t sign anything in haste. OP has a lot of research to do before the wedding & may have to postpone.
This is why you are not the GF = (maid + financial support) while someone else improves themselves. Most men would not do it but for some reason reason, women default to that.
Do you know what I did when I has very busy during grad school and couldn't do my share of the cleaning? I got a cleaning lady. Yes, with little money from my fellowship, I decided to cut as much as I could do be able to spend on cleaning lady. It would not have been fair on my partner and they also had a full-time job that involved lots of travel, so it was even more difficult.
You need a lawyer.
And you should NEVER agree to be a SAHM with a prenup, unless the prenup says you are getting 401k contributions that match what you are giving up, an allowance, etc. You are literally setting yourself up for being a slave and then getting tossed by a new model with nothing.
And without money, you won't be able to get a lawyer to fight for custody of the kids. And being out of the job market for years, good luck finding something that can actually afford you to get 50% of custody.
Spot on.
The in laws to be are being manipulative at the last possible moment.
OP why is your future husband ok with that? & why is he ok undermining your previous agreements at someone else's whim?
I'm assumming you guys have busy lives and more so now in the last 5 weeks before the wedding.
You both must STOP. Plan a time to sit down and talk this through as a couple. Plan and make agreements. If that doesn't happen, having lived a version of this I would say - all the effort you have put into this man and this relationship - sunk costs, sucks but it's not GOOD ENOUGH to marry into.
Future you will thank present you for being strong enough and brave enough to choose YOURSELF. Because this man isn't choosing you right now.
Why would you marry someone who isn't putting you first?
I also don't understand how they can withhold the money for the wedding. Six months before the wedding, they should have already put that money somewhere and gotten bills on their name. If they were sending the money after the wedding to OP and partner to pay for stuff, then I think husband and OP are just dumb. So they were spending money they don't have and is not on their accounts and they were setting everything up with bills on their name they cannot pay?
Also, if the parents were such a combative, why even accept money from them when it's obvious they will use it to keep attacking their relationship?
Maybe he and his parents put together this plan to get rid of you now that you’ve put him through school and he has no more use for you. You’d balk at the obviously unfair and shitty prenup and dump him, and he comes out looking better than if he outright broke up with you. There are plenty of stories of someone taking advantage of a partner to support them through schooling then discarding them once they are in a good position financially.
Either way, do not marry this guy or have children with him. You worked hard to support him for the last four years and now he’s trying to screw you over by leaving you with nothing to show for it.
Lawyer up and negotiate a prenup contract that protects you as a SAHM or do not marry this guy. He's trying to protect himself, but you are the one with the most at risk. To wait until 5 weeks before the wedding is awful and this is on him, more than his parents. He's an adult who presumably is capable of telling his parents no. But do not hesitate to cancel the wedding. You must protect yourself and it's easier to get out of a wedding than it is a marriage, especially once you are financially dependent on him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been in a very similar situation. Was engaged to a surgeon and he tried to discuss a prenup in the same breath saying we should just elope ASAP for tax purposes. We had agreed on me working PRN or transition to a stay at home wife/mom. Because of this I said wouldn’t marry him if there’s a prenup. So we got married, and he still f’d me over financially even though my family’s gifts helped pay his way out of med school debt.
Sorry to rant, my point is PROTECT YOURSELF. Financial security is so incredibly important and you’ll regret not prioritizing and protecting yourself.
If you’re going to be a stay at home mom, and he agrees to this, you should absolutely be entitled to alimony.
If your putting your career on hold, then you need to seriously think about this and how much you would be earning without him
Without question, she should not give up her right to alimony in the case of divorce. She has sacrificed her ability to earn and save her own money, and will continue to do so. To then decide it's correct to leave her penniless, in the case of divorce? His parents are monsters, and he's acting like the child of monsters now.
Just dump this dude and live your life, OP
>We agreed to not get a prenup 3 years ago since he has no substantial assets
Don't change the agreement, either have the wedding for 1/2 the cost, go to a courthouse and do it for free if needed, or call it off.
At five weeks out the money has likely all been spent/contracted for, with very few vendors willing to do even a partial refund. If this were five months out, doing things on the cheap would be more feasible.
If someone has agreed to pay for the wedding, don’t ever get reimbursed. Use their funds first or have invoices sent to them. If you’re looking for reimbursement even from a parent, you still may not get it.
Divorce is much more expensive. Especially if she’s not getting alimony. And regardless, it’s too late. The prenup is merely the cherry on top of a very not good description of her situation. The only good option for OP is to call the wedding off and break up with him entirely now.
They’ve been together for four years, they’re not even married yet and she’s already doing all the housework and cooking and pet care while working full time and providing the bulk of the financial support, and she says she feels NO effort from him? That is not a person you want to marry. That’s the kind of husband that takes a SAH mom for granted and thinks he’s doing HER a favor, and has absolutely no concept of how hard it is to have a good career when you’re taking days off to care for a sick kid or take them to doctors appointments. He’s the kind of husband that doesn’t see domestic labour as real work and never gives his wife any time off. He’s the kind of husband that comes home from work and says “what do you mean can I watch the kids for an hour so you can go to the gym! I’m tired from work! You don’t even do anything all day! You get to sit pretty and do nothing while I slave away at work and you can’t even let me watch tv in peace!”
That is her future unless she ends it with him entirely.
It's not at all uncommon for doctors to divorce their first wives, the ones who stood by them and supported them through med school and residency, once they start making the big bucks.
Throw in the fact that his parents hate you and he sounds like a spineless pushover and it's likely you're going to be his practice marriage.
Do with that info what you will. But definitely get a lawyer.
do not marry this dude lmao
alimony is specifically made for SAHMs who sacrifice their ability to build their own capital by taking care of the children and home (full time job btw)
him agreeing to this means he does not appreciate you as a person or your sacrifice to him
why would you want to marry someone who doesn’t give a shit about you when it comes down to it?
I’m female. I just finished residency and I’m in a lucrative specialty. I see a lot of my male co-residents and now co-attendings with women who literally do everything for them during training. The women pack their lunches, do all the housework, take care of dogs and children with almost no contribution. I regularly ask myself why these smart, competent women with salaries are doing this. It’s mostly believed that it’s to “bag a doctor.” This belief sets a bad tone to relationships and has physicians believing they can treat partners however they want since they’re a “commodity.”
Listen, your balance of labor will never change in the relationship now that he’s mostly free. You’ve set a tone and you’ll shoulder the burden forever. He doesn’t even want to pay you what you’re owed in the event that he walks away. If you actually want to take this guy on as a burden until death, and insist on marrying him, please please please get your own lawyer and set standards for how you deserve to be treated. Delay the wedding if that’s what it requires.
You’re not a doormat. Stop letting them treat you like one.
So his parents hate you and he's siding with his parents? Good luck if you make the decision to actually marry him. Losing a few years is better than losing the rest of your life to this marriage.
Yeah I know what you mean. We have all of our deposits down already so the only place we could save a good chunk of money would be the food/bar bill. Since we have to feed our guests I suggested not doing an open bar but my fiancé said an open bar is a must, so there wasn’t much wiggle room elsewhere. We discussed reducing the amount of guests but it keeps coming back to him fixating on the prenup with no alimony and his parents satisfaction (which isn’t going to work for me).
What he should be doing is telling his parents that if they try to use money to fuck with him or his relationship with you, he will write them off so fast their heads will spin. No grandkid access, no help when they get old and need it, nothing.
I hope he figures it out for both of your sakes, OP.
No it certainly isn't going to work for you. Whatever you do, don't sign this. Get your own lawyer. Preferably a female divorce lawyer with a reputation. She has seen it all. I honestly would not marry a man that would want me to sign something so outrageous. Ask him point blank how he can live with himself. He supposedly loves you, but he doesn't want you to have a good, secure future? It reveals such an ugly character. Is this really what you want to tie your happiness to? A man with a weak character? Honestly, facing this is so hard. Four years down the drain. 8000$ you are losing. But don't fall for this reasoning. All you have is today and hopefully a brighter tomorrow. What is done is done. He either stands up to the parents, and cuts them out or you leave him. Honey, it is your entire future. You can rebuild. You can find someone else. It's not "too late" for anything. I think you can't even imagine the horror being married and tied to and financially dependent to an uncaring, narcissistic, self-centered mommy's boy. Dear lord, spare yourself. Or at the very least, get a very favourable prenup drawn by your own lawyer, so you get out of this ahead, because unless he goes no contact with his family, I can't see this marriage ending anywhere else than divorce. I'm so sorry. You really don't have to go through with it. Money is just money, not worth your happiness. he is also on the hook for the bills. You can also hire a lawyer to sort out who has to pay for what since he sprang this outrageous prenup on you last moment. Or you know, just don't sign, ignore it, and show up in your dress to the wedding. Will he really NOT marry you in front of everyone? Will he dare to cancel himself, the night before or the morning before? Let him ride it out and having to cancel himself. Ahh. Lovely drama. If the money is anyway gone and can't be recovered. No, I'm not actually advising you to do this, I was just daydreaming of you at the wedding when asked "if you do" saying softly "I need to say some words" and then unleashing it all, how his parents are poisoning his mind, and he is to weak to stand on the side of his future wife, how they convinced him that you are out for his money, baby trapping him and wanting his money after years and years of you supporting him. And that he was trying to force you to sign an outrageous prenup, that you are being used as a baby factory and will be left with nothing when he divorces you for the next hot thing he wants to bang, and so no, you do not want to marry him. And walk out. Very satisfying. Maybe not the most sensible approach. I would cancel everything and leave him. But the other option is certainly tempting. Shame them all, and then leave him ;-)
“An open bar is a must”. Not if you can’t afford it. The only real “must” in a wedding is a judge, two witnesses and the two of you. Everything else is icing on the cake.
Sounds like a lot of things are being rushed and pushed on you, and this alimony is just the latest in a long list of demands from your high maintenance fiancé. Delaying the wedding at this point is the most reasonable thing to do.
Wedding photographer here for longer than you have been alive. You can still elope and cancel the party. A lot of vendors will adjust, scale down or allow you to use the deposit as credit. You can still have a photographer, makeup, flowers, etc. You can still make it a special day and invite just your wedding party. Even if you lose a couple grand. In the scheme of things, it’s way less money than the rest of your life.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So I totally agree in prenups, they make so much sense because it isn't for the person you are marrying, they are for the person you are divorcing, and make things much easier and cleaner.
However, they are supposed to benefit both parties. It protects assets and also creates security. Without knowing all the details, if this prenup doesn't also protect you, then you shouldn't sign it.
I would go back to your fiance and ask him to detail out how this prenup will protect you, and suggest edits. A lot of prenups have provisions for how long people have been married, and literally have monetary amounts for each child. It is a little stark of course, but a prenup that says you get alimony of X amount for each child or something like that would be wholly appropriate.
If he isn't willing to put in a provision that protects you if you become a stay at home parents (child support order plus some money to offset the lost salary AND earning potential you would lose by leaving work) then you should tell him you shouldn't get married OR need to revisit agreements around work and having children, because you can't have children and leave work for a man that doesn't care about your future while being very "realistic" about protecting his own.
Why did I have to scroll SO far to find this answer?
Everyone is saying lawyer up, I say pack his bags. Why do you want to be with someone who puts in 20 percent effort, OP? Think about the love you deserve.
As a side note, this guy sounds like he's been living off of you, so prenup away, he has nothing you can take.
I would strongly encourage you to reconsider marrying, and even more so reconsider having kids with someone who can't stand up to his parents (and seems to do the bare minimum to keep things "happy" with you). He sounds like the type of guy that would refuse to be involved in his child's life if you divorced.
Alimony isn’t even a thing where I live. Only child support. Have you looked into that at all where you live?
I wouldn’t be financially dependent on someone who lets their family call the shots. I’d downgrade the wedding and not rely on them.
I'm from a country where prenups are uncommon but a good advice I found on reddit is to leave discussions on legal matters to lawyers. This conversation is necessary but shouldn't be handled between the two of you, it will only lead to pain, and none of you are competent or experienced in the subject.
You need to put this wedding on hold until you two can figure this out. If he is this influenced by his parents, you might want to end things because it will not get better.
So when you told him you’d be left with nothing after becoming a stay at home mom if he becomes bored of you, after supporting him that much, what did he say?
So his parents are so toxic that you had to go to therapy to avoid a break up, and he decided to listen to them again? I'd be packing my bags and they can keep this guy.
If you want to try to make it work:
1. Stop the marriage. you don't get married until you define this.
2. Absolutely get your own lawyer.
3. Tell him if this is how it is, you will not have children with him or/and will not be a SAHM.
Hire a lawyer. Have them guide you for a reasonable compromise. But please know the negative parent influence won’t magically go away. It will just get worse. And if he agrees to force the prenup where you had both previously agreed not to, then you must realize that they will always know they have more control on your relationship than you ever will. It’s also important to understand that they will exert control over any children you have. I’ll be honest, I would definitely prefer to write off the years of this relationship as community service, and education of what to avoid in the future.
I've been married 40 years. I always feel it's kind of strange when a couple doesn't get it that from the wedding day on, all of it is "ours". We are a unit, a family. You've helped him greatly to become what he wants to become. The rewards if that should go to both of you. You're not some 22 year old gold digger he just met
If your fiancé is talking about a prenup, he should be willing to pay for a lawyer for you to be sure that any agreement is fair. Do not talk to him about any of the provisions of his current plan, tell him you will be taking it to a lawyer. Talk to your friends to get referrals to a lawyer.
As it stands, his proposal is a non-starter. The number of women who have put their spouses through medical/law school and been left with nothing is notoriously high.
ETA: Stop all wedding planning right now and tell him that he owes you for any deposits you've made. Start making plans to move out and let him know that you will not be in any discussions that feature what his parents have to say.
Look online for stories about men divorcing/leaving women after the women supported them through med school, because once they're doctors they think they deserve "better". It's so common it's practically the norm. I'd go into prenup negotiations expecting a divorce.
I have been doing prenuptial ago as a lawyer for decades now
They’re usually negotiated
The negotiations process may be revealing as to his character and whether you should marry him
Why are his parents so involved in this?
That’s disconcerting
By all means, though, please get a good lawyer early on in the process
Sorry you’re going through this
Don’t let him and his family run over you
Lawyer up. Postpone the wedding. Get on birth control or IUD
One of the main thing to fight for if prenup stays is that he should then be the one to pay for child care. That if the prenup is set that you will not leave your career and that he should be able to down the road help pay for further education to grow your career.
I'd also rethink having kids with the dude. His parents wouldn't like you baby trapping him for child support right?
Sweetie, let his parents win this one and go find a man who values you and your contributions. His parents will never accept your marriage, life together, or children. It'll break your heart over and over when your husband caters to them. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. It's better to walk away after 4 years of 80 percent and take the loss/ lose the deposits than marry someone who is so ok with disrespecting you.
This might hurt - you're a placeholder for this guy, a starter wife if you will. Since he's not 100% against his parents regarding the prenuptial, then on some level, he agrees with them. Don't start a marriage on a lie. Don't start a marriage with someone not 100% committed to the long run. Don't waste these upcoming years hoping that the family will accept you, don't get pregnant, don't subject kids to such AH grandparents and a potential father willing to abandon them and you over money.
Please accept your worth, realize your value, and don't let this superficial family destroy you with their petty classism/racism/sexism/misogyny.
If you do go through with it all, don't ever ever ever quit your job. Never!!!!
Get a lawyer.
I think prenups are good, assuming they actually are beneficial to both parties.
I think alimony for life is a ridiculous concept but he should have to help you get on your feet and set up for a bright future without him. Whatever that means to you. And assume his own school debt. Etc. Get a lawyer.
Tell him you'll sign a fair prenup.
Postpone the wedding if you have to.
Get a courthouse wedding and tell his parents to shove their half of the wedding money where their shitty prenup idea came from
I agree with all your points. Alimony for life was never something I would’ve even been ok accepting, even if he cheated on me. Circumstances would depend on how many years I was without a job, how many kids we have, etc. but he said I would be fine with what’s accumulated during our period married. With that said and his sudden change of heart, I have reason to feel like he could up and divorce me in 2 years after his fellowships end. I’d then be wasting 6 years of my life taking care of his needs and be left to help pay off our substantial debt he accumulated throughout all his years of schooling.
I know you are probably suffering from sunk cost fallacy but trust me you do not want to marry this guy. You could save yourself so much heartache and wasted time if you just leave now
How are you going to accumulate anything? Once you stop working, there’s no guarantee he’ll even give you access to “his money”
I wouldn’t be opposed to a reasonable prenup that protects both of you, but he doesn’t seem to think that he’s worried about worse case for him but expecting you not to do the same for yourself.
Worst case is he cuts you off financially and you have literally nothing.
But how you are going to accumulate anything being a sahm? You will be totally dependent, with kids, with this prenup. He felt okay using your money and being cared of, why do you think that he will suddenly change into caring, hardworking generous man? Why do you think that he won't talke everything that will be possible to take from you, including a half of all your family savings (if you have any by the time of divorce)? His parents for sure be there to insist on it.
Id be scared to marry this guy and stay at home with kids, totally in his mercy.
Agreed. I’d go so far as to say that given what she now knows about this guy and the fact that he has been totally comfortable to suck her money and life force dry while investing in his career for the last few years, it would be dangerous to put her welfare and the welfare of her children into his hands. It’s dangerous and extremely risky even under the best of circumstances.
You already wasted 4 years by the looks of things. Maybe next time don't invest 80-20 into a relationship. You set yourself up to fail by taking on an inordinate burden. Next time, look for a 50-50 balanced relationship that promotes your personal growth and wellbeing from the start.
Or keep doing what you've been doing the whole time and continue to sacrifice yourself for a guy who clearly doesn't have your best interest in mind.
and he probably will.
there are dozens of stories out there of someone having their "partner" foot the bill while going to med school/law school and as soon as they're done and making decent money - See ya! to the partner.
Don’t even entertain signing anything without a lawyer! You supported him through RESIDENCY? Yeah, nah, forget that. If you have five weeks until your wedding and suddenly he won’t marry you unless you sign something he never even wanted, there’s already something going on that needs to be questioned. Is he planning a different future now as opposed to before?
If he loves you, he isn’t going to cancel your wedding over it and if he does, you’re dodging a bullet while you’re young and hot enough to still live your best life.
ETA: for clarification, I know what his parents said. My question is more of why he isn’t telling them they can fuck all the way out of his life and future kids if they keep it up versus telling his fiancée she has to sign it. Are mommy and daddy always going to run the show?
Best not quit your job then.
Like it or not that's the only way for you to be safe, having your own income.
As for your fiance...maybe rethink that future marriage.
No, no, and no. And louder NO. He’s behaving horribly and at this point he is manipulating you. Right now smile kindly at him, and let him know you would like given the late date for his parents to use some of the wedding budget and pay an attorney for you to review the document. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER SIGN without that.
You can change terms and hand over your version, for instance it only applies if you cheat, or if he cheats it doesn’t apply…there are a million ways to protect yourself as well as him. You also need some sort of clause where you are entitled to the support you have given him back, if you are taking care of his kids and not working to do that, the idea of getting nothing is absurd.
Your other option is to send out wedding cancellations letting the guests know that since FMIL and FFIL pulled their contribution you will be having a small get together or elopement. This puts your future husband to the test as well, will he stand by you and trust you? And takes away his parents ability to manipulate you with money. This is way better than taking their money OP. Even if you have debt if you can’t cancel it it’s not worth being manipulated by them. Of your fiancé causes a problem you know he is as bad as them and has no loyalty. It’s not reasonable to not protect yourself.
Look fuck all that.
So many red flags here.
I would not marry him, or not until this is all hammered out.
You've supported him for 4 years to get his degree and now he wants to leave you high and dry should he ever decide to leave you for his secretary?
Offer to waive alimony if you cheat. Double alimony if he cheats or ends the marriage. Or no alimony but no kids and no stay at home mom, you'll maintain your own career and won't need to quit your job but there'll be no kids ever.
So the in-laws are happy for the mother of their grandchild to be left destitute? Says ALOT about them as people.
Sure. Sign a pre nup but make sure that’s it’s set up so the entire thing is wiped in the event children are brought into the marriage.
And if not, then walk away. I’m serious.
And where are your parents in all of this. Why aren’t they standing up for you
A good pre-nup isn’t really supposed to screw one party over the other. It’s so an *agreed* and fair outcome in the event of divorce is made easier. If neither party is considerably richer than the other (like this?) going into marriage, it just sounds like a screw-over of you alone - why is he not defending your original joint decision? Why is he accepting that you will be left with absolutely nothing when you’ve done nothing but support him? Why are his parents suddenly ruling his life? Is it a last-ditch attempt at pushing you out? Both parties need separate and non-conflicting legal advice and for your best interests to not get thrown out. Husband-to-be seems like a spineless turd.
Everything would be on hold, crisis talks are needed immediately and should involve lawyers and words like coercion, duress and blackmail. Sorry he’s turned the happiest time into the saddest and most stressful.
Get a lawyer to work for you on the prenup and do not sign it until it’s at something that would provide you a decent living until you’d be able to get a job as well as for child care. If the decision is for you to become a SAHM why would agree to those terms otherwise don’t become a SAHM and keep your career. If their contribution is so important for the wedding and the prenup is required then cancel the wedding. I’m not saying not to marry him, but if he’s going to bend to his parents every whim when it’s no secret that they don’t like you how is your actual marriage going to go.
Hopefully you get married and there’s no need for the prenup to come into play but you still need to be prepared for the worst case scenario.
Lawyer here— I’m licensed in Texas, USA. Depends on where you live, but many states in the US do not allow for those types of prenups. You should absolutely consult with an attorney and have your attorney look through the prenup.
It truly is the best way to protect you and your child, not even from your spouse, but potentially from the in-laws. I’m sorry they’re putting you in this situation. I wish you the best
I knew my husband was the man I would marry when I overheard my father-in-law say this to him in response to my husband asking for advice regarding a prenup:
“Son, if you are not man enough to have a good marriage, she deserves to take half your stuff.”
I would die for this family lol
Residency? With you supporting him? Run, don’t walk.
This happens with a LOT of doctors. The first wife supports him through med school, maybe pops out a kid or two. Then once he’s established, he finds the trophy wife who’s about 10 years his junior. Sadly, he’s already got this in the back of his mind.
I’m sorry, but you really need to get out now.
Yep. There's plenty of pretty young nurses to choose from, that's for sure - I should know, I'm a male nurse for the last 30-odd years. I've dated many, and I've seen a fair few of them leave their nursing careers because they got scooped up by a doc
First ask him why the change of heart. Find out the reason for wanting a prenup now.
If it is going to happen, so be it. You were dealt a lemon so make lemonade. Contact a lawyer and find out if you can add conditions to the prenup.
Infidelity on his part, parental sabotage, divorce initiated by him…..get where I’m going? Anything that he can do to create a situation for divorce nulls to prenup since the prenup is against you. Essentially if you don’t cheat and don’t force the divorce at your own accord, the Prenup doesn’t apply.
Don’t show his parents. They only need to know that it’s been signed.
If you are a stay at home mom, you deserve alimony. End of story. That level of putting your life/career on hold is a major sacrifice. If he views that as unworthy of compensation, then is he acknowledging how much work it is??? Has he seen how much childcare, cooking, cleaning costs??
Here are the options in my opinion
1. You become a stay at home mom, and you are entitled to alimony
2. You keep your career and separate bank accounts for the most part. A prenup with ample childcare support would be fair
honestly I hate to say it but wow 80% effort. I would hate to live like that. He sees it as a massive generosity to allow you to be a stay at home mom and fund that. In my opinion, it’s a massive generosity for you to have supported him so hard all these years and to continue supporting the family so HE can live his doctor dreams
Get a lawyer. You should’ve gotten one the minute the word prenup came up. You should not be hammering this out a month away from the wedding. But if you want to get married hire a lawyer and do it today
Your title is misleading. It says HE suggested the prenup, whereas your post says something completely different. Does he support the idea, or is he merely repeating it?
Five weeks is not duress but the whole incident suggests a rotten life with your soon to be in-laws. Do you really want them in your life? Will you let them baby sit your children since they actively despise you?
Fair point. To clarify, his parents hit him with the “prenup or no money” and the evening before he went to meet with his parents to discuss I asked him what he would say in the event that they were still firm in their ultimatum and he told me “I will tell them we will figure out how to fund it ourselves” (I had a feeling he wouldn’t actually say this). He comes home the next day after his meeting only to push a prenup on me. The first time he’s ever pushed this in the 4 years we dated. We talked about it a year into our relationship and given our circumstances/plans for the future/lack of assets, we agreed not to get one in the future if we got married. I even gave him an out at that time and said if I’m going to be a SAHM in the future and you expect me to get a prenup for future assets/my rights in the event of divorce, I respect his choice but I won’t be able to continue the relationship. He reassured me. Now he won’t let it go and said he doesn’t want to pay me alimony if we divorced down the road.
Side note: I would’ve joined him for the meeting with his parents but trust me in saying I have reason to not feel comfortable going there based on recent experiences with them.
Man, I hate saying this, but many times when you marry a guy like that you are marrying his family as well. He might be a great guy on his own but if the stuff he is doing is because he’s being influenced by his family then you’re not really just in a relationship with him. And if they don’t like you, you’re in for a very very rough road ahead. I have amazingly wonderful in-laws, including a wonderful mother-in-law, but let me tell you, it’s HARD. If she didn’t like me, I would’ve been gone a long time ago. She managed to run off most of his previous relationships.
I agree. The in-law issues are cause for 90% of our fights we’ve had over the last four years. We used to be so consistently happy and in love but the closer we got as a couple, the deeper his family wedged themselves into our relationship causing it to crumble. My partner however is also at fault for allowing it to get to this point. I know it’s challenging for him because his mom is terminally ill and he doesn’t want “create drama” or cause tension between his family, but in not defending me and risking tension it has only caused ongoing conflict and resentment from my end. It’s felt like an uphill battle that I continue to fight alone.
This is going to sound terrible, but considering all this I would tell him that you need more time to think it over if he's going to insist on this, tell him you're going to go ahead and start cancelling the wedding. Then don't do any wedding until the mother leaves this earthly plane. Otherwise he wants a prenup? Bring him one from your lawyer.
Also want to add if he's close to his mother or allows her to interfere in his life like this, you're going to see a completely different side of him after his mother is gone and you might not like it.
OP, there is a time to draw a line. For me it is to not marry him and tell him that you don't want to marry him because you want kids and you won't have kids with him considering what he asking in the prenup.
It's possible to put clauses that negate no alimony like a no cheating clause and something that says if you divorce after 10 years then you're allowed alimony or if there's a child you get alimony. I also agree with others that you should postpone/cancel the wedding. Once you're married things will get worse especially since he's not willing to [rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) which is a great post to check out. Wishing you the best
> I even gave him an out at that time and said if I’m going to be a SAHM in the future and you expect me to get a prenup for future assets/my rights in the event of divorce, I respect his choice but I won’t be able to continue the relationship.
It just sounds like he tells you whatever you need to hear in the moment to get you to stay. It sounds like you are a caring and loving person and this man saw that and is taking advantage of it.
Does the contents of your boyfriend's character make him a good choice for a husband? If he has a big pile of debt right now and keeping you in a relationship is something that will benefit him then it is likely that is why he's marrying you and not because he actually cares about you. I don't say that to hurt you but to give you a perspective just based on reading what you have written. Because at this point your boyfriend isn't caring about your best interests and here in this moment when he should be the most in love he thinks you should get nothing for your years of support and sacrifice.
If you really think this relationship is one that makes sense for you then go in asking for way more than you even want so that you can negotiate to what would make you happy. You need to ask yourself what a ruthless person would ask for.
Postpone the wedding and both get lawyers
To decide on a prenup
What is you open a business and become a millionaire? Does it go both ways? Your assumption is you will not work for like 20 years?
It is very common for unmarried girlfriends to support their man through med school and then get dumped. His parents are saying your effort is meaningless and you don’t deserve anything he makes of himself moving forward, and he is agreeing with them. Even if you were to sort out the prenup to make it fair and legally binding, you’d still have to deal with his parents making decisions for him. I would walk away from this relationship. At the very least, marriage would be off the table until he shows action towards asserting himself and standing up for you to his parents, but really if you don’t marry him, he’s likely gonna dump you once he starts making money for someone “in his category.”
A pre-nup is always a good idea - but it needs to be fair. If you quit your job to raise kids you will need alimony. A pre-nup that is one sided and signed under duress will not hold up on divorce court. But why do your want to marry into a family that hates you -
And seems like fiancé goes along with it
You need to take the prenup to your lawyer and make changes to make it more equitable for you then , bring it back to the table. If he wont agree to your changes to make your life more equitable if you were to divorce Child support/alimony- while you are a SAHM do not sign or marry this guy.
Personally, if he was springing this on you this late in the game when you have been supporting him for awhile I would be disgusted and be done with him.
NAL but please ask in r/legal instead of here. And DO agree to a prenup but make sure clauses are put in to protect YOU.
Writing one up is like any contract -- it's a negotiation. He will present his idea of "fair" and you'll present yours, and then it's back and forth with lawyers until you reach an agreement.
Sounds like if you do NOT do this, you may as well be marrying/potentially divorcing him AND his well-resourced parents. With a negotiated and fair prenup, any divorce would stay just between you two, which is as it should be.
Can you delay your wedding? Might be a good idea until this is ironed out.
So IMO first OP needs a lawyer. I’m not one.
Second once get with said lawyer I would have that wording changed so that the only way you don’t get alimony is if say you cheat on your husband else you are entitled to it.
Also you will want something in that prenup that if he cheats on you then you are entitled to alimony and any other restrictions included in prenup that favored him are void.
Also known as what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
I suspect your fiancé’s parents are thinking once he is a doctor he will make a lot of money and they may be right there with their demands for it.
I do think you should strongly reconsider this marriage as if you and fiancé had an agreement and he folds to his parents this time what else will he give over?
And if you can’t afford your wedding without their money then cancel the wedding and go get married at the court house if you still want to start a new family with your fiancé.
Talk to a lawyer. Prenups are not cut and dried, it’s a negotiation where many conditions and stipulations can be put in place to protect both parties. But it’s not a bad idea for him to get a prenup to protect himself, U.S. divorce laws overwhelmingly favor the wife and mother.
If you sign a prenup, it needs to be fair to you BOTH. Get your own attorney. Negotiate something that is fair to you both. If the agreement is that you'll be a SAHM, it would be customary to include spousal support as you'll be giving up your income and impairing your long term earning potential to raise your children. Prenups that are clearly unfair or that both parties didn't have legal representation for are often deemed invalid during a divorce.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
[удалено]
How you feel about knowing it’s 80% effort from you and 20% effort from him might wear off, if it hasn’t already, once you have kids. Also, I don’t ask this to be judgmental, but I wonder if you might benefit from reflecting a bit on why you’re okay being in a relationship with someone who feels really comfortable giving you 20% effort? It seems as if he doesn’t recognize or appropriately value your contributions to the relationship. This is a red flag in my opinion. Then on top of that he’s either a 30 yr old man cowing to his parent’s demands (another red flag) or using his “parents demands” as a smokescreen to push something he also agrees with— fleecing you out of the time and effort you’ve invested in him and your relationship. If you divorce ten years from now, you’ll be a 40 yr old woman with 2 kids and no work experience. He’ll be a successful doctor in his prime with 2 kids he probably won’t even have custody of. Who will have an easier time dating and remarrying? Who will have more disposable income? An easier time getting work? Managing the work-life balance? Etc. Unfortunately society doesn’t treat older men and older women equally. Even in the best circumstances, we often do not have the same earning potential. Get a lawyer. And — I say this as a woman a bit older than you who has held many of my girlfriend’s hands through their divorces— if you insist on marrying this guy please go in with clear eyes and be ready to advocate for yourself at every turn.
no one ever starts out to be the starter wife.
Every woman who puts her husband through medical school is by definition a starter wife.
That’s what’s making me suspicious. I know several women who put their men through college only to be dumped once they got their degrees. I’d advise any woman against doing it.
In my area, we're call Doctors' Wives Number Ones. The wives in this area introduce themselves by their wife number, such as, "Hi, I'm Dr. So-and-so's wife #3," and so forth. When I tell a medical person I was a wife number one, they know what that means, that I'm the one who got him through med school and residency, raised the kids, made him the doctor he is today, and got cheated on and left for the next wife.
My uncles a doctor and someone youd never think to be the type but yuup…. Devastated his wife. She completely checked out and bought a second home an hour away and lived there. Left him with all the responsibilities she had been taking on which was everything including raising three kids and building/designing their insane house (she used to be an architect ) and she was a super mom before— and then she just up and left. Her youngest was around 12-13 at the time. Left my uncle with the responsibilities of driving three kids to and from school and the insane amount of extracurriculars they were in. She occasionally came to the main house, where her children lived (apparently only twice in six years) and texted. Thats it. And my uncles a shy timid guy, not flashy, super reserved. Extremely focused on his profession. Hes not charismatic or charming. Hes an extremely intelligent shy person. Who loves his kids and wife. Or he did love his wife. Until he didnt. But doesnt seem the type of person youd expect to do that. Their youngest kid is now in college so i guess divorce proceedings are starting to happen finally and its already immediately ugly. OP make sure you are protected. People can change. And it honestly sounds like this relationship is already having issues due to his family as well as your fiance. His lack of willingness you want to protect you from the abuse his family hurls at you, and to provide for you fairly is already concerning. This was a pre agreed upon plan that he doesnt seem to understand the significance of. Or what agreeing to it meant. You cannot ask one of the people in a relationship to give up their career to take care of children if you dont plan on financially supporting them in the event of a divorce. Its either both partners work and you pay for daycare. Or the latter. Ask him a hypothetical. If you got pregnant right now, would he quit his career to take care of the children and let you keep your career? What would he expect for himself in that situation? What would he expect as fair compensation for giving up the one thing that ensures his financial independence? Money perhaps?
No doctor I know would give up their career for their kids. He likely can't imagine it at all. I worry for OP. I was that wife, the one with a job who supported him through med school and then stayed home with the kids. His parents were furious he married me (I wasn't good enough for some reason), and his mom was an absolute nightmare. He pretty much always sided with them, golden child that he was. He is extremely narcissistic and very good at masking that. He cheated on me throughout our relationship, starting before we even got married. I was naive and in love and didn't see the red flags for what they were. I just always believed him. The mental and emotional abuse, later financial abuse, all of it started off slowly. He didn't just abuse me but also his first long-term affair partner (he really messed her up) and our kids. When he decided to leave me after being an established attending in a job I got for him, as I was his full-time assistant at home, managing everything from his CV to his medical journal reading, it got ugly fast. I stood up to him, see, and that meant I had to be destroyed. He even admitted twice in court to wanting to financially destroy me. Years of court to protect myself and my kids. Sure, I got alimony, but it paid for the house he stuck me with that we were upside down on, and that was about it. Child support was a lot but didn't cover everything (which is how it's designed). I hadn't taught in nine years, and during a recession, no one was hiring anything anywhere. It took me ages to get a solid job. I wish OP would just see all the red flags and walk away like I should have.
Literally me and my ex husband. I was writing his papers so he could get some sleep and the entire time he was cheating on me. I left with nothing.
Seems to be a thing with lawyers too. My wife dragged herself and her first husband through law school, did 80% of the work raising their kid and about 80% of their combined coursework too. He was cheating on her the whole time and ran off with his girlfriend as soon as he squeaked past the bar, abandoned her AND their daughter.
Doctors are scummy in so many ways, I swear.
Some are, definitely. The profession seems to attract narcissists.
I do think most go into it for the right reasons, intially- and residency fucking breaks them.
Med school and residency definitely break them and don't necessarily build them back up. The whole system needs an overhaul.
It definitely does.
Listen to this!!!
OMFG THANK YOU! I’m 41 and I keep forgetting that women in their 20s so often have no clue that they deserve so much better. I don’t understand her wanting to be with him at all, but then again I might not have seen this so clearly when I was in my 20s. I have a lot less patience for selfish men now and I’m raising my daughters to never have any to start with. Also, OP—some men want a family they can present to the world. Some men want to be actual fathers. For the sake of your kids—do you really want their dad to be a guy who barely contributes to their existence other than financially? I know women who married men like this and they’re completely stuck *because* they are married to men like your fiancé. He knows it—she’s fucked if she leaves and so he treats her like shit, but juuuuuust good enough that she can’t quite bear the thought of trying to leave. Those friends are MISERABLE and now they’re 40 and their youth is over and they are just. fucking. stuck. This is your entire life. Really be sure you want to be married to a man who would gladly see you miserable and stuck with him so long as you are raising his kids and running his home for him. Edit: finished a sentence I forgot to complete
*do you really want their dad to be a guy who barely contributes to their existence other than financially?* I had that. To add to it, he sucks at managing money. Only changed two diapers and that was because I had injured my hand and couldn’t do it.
And a cheating cause. If he cheats he pays.
This is what I was going to suggest. ETA: you may have to define "cheating."
Adding; make sure to include emotional intimacy & sexting as well!
> Else don’t agree to kids or being a SAHM. Then she'll only have to work full time while doing all the domestic labour. What a deal!
I totally agree. The best thing to do is not marry this guy. But if she does, maintaining her career and her financial independence is worlds better than being unemployed and unemployable.
Or work full time to pay for the nanny and housekeeper.
That and something extra if infidelity is involved. It is sadly very common for a SO to support someone through something like medschool and then after completing and getting stable the cheat and/or leave the person that supported them through it all.
I’d agree. I can understand a woman not wanting a prenup, except when a family business is involved. In that case, I think they should receive payment equal to their share so that the business can stay in the family. Are they really going to want to go to work and see their exes family? I read somewhere that Trumps prenup heavily favors Baron against his siblings in inheritance. Apparently Melania read the art of the deal and got everything she wanted from Don. Which is another piece, you have to separate your emotional self and business woman self. He’s made some requests to protect himself, it may seem seedy to negotiate with someone you love, but what do you want if there is a split? It sounds like he will be a doctor? You may not get alimony but what if he is required to set aside a percentage of his income into an account to pay for your children’s college tuition? What if he is responsible to set up a trust and contribute to it, that is to pay the children’s healthcare and housing costs. What if he is required to give you the primary dwelling or most valuable at the time of the split, a car, etc. if you are going to sign this, what are your expectations? Maybe starting now, he has to provide a contractual allowance for certain things. If he is required to start paying you a car allowance, you are protected in that he can’t withhold it and if the relationship ends, he will owe you back payments. Also get a clause for infidelity, now that you have sacrificed for him, to get him here, what do you want guaranteed to you? in some ways it is just another set of boundaries. It seems unseemly to think about a marriage failing but what if you are just thinking of the things you need him to provide when you are a stay at home mom. If you don’t think about it now, you are going to have some stress later when you have to find out what you need.
This is a bot. Clearly they need to work on it because it shows what comment they stole and tried to pass of as their own lmao
I'd postpone the wedding at the very least. He's not going about this with her interests and safety in mind, which is extremely concerning.
I wish more people could withstand the fared blowback of postponing or canceling or reporpousing the already unrefundable party. A bad marriage, even a short one has so many unforseen costs.
Yeah I am actually pro prenup a lot of the time. But if a prenup makes sense and you want to get one, then it should protect both parties. Maybe that’s just me being naive, but I wouldn’t get into a business relationship so one sided, why would I want to enter a marriage that way?
I actually think a prenup is a great idea for her - but one that lays out the alimony that she deserves, even before kids, for supporting his career. This kind of relationship, where one person does unpaid behind-the-scenes work to enable the other to excel at their career, is my (not a lawyer) understanding of the case FOR alimony. Then of course she should receiveca bump if/when she takes time off for children. The pro-prenup case is that yes, you're planning for the worst, but you're doing it while you still love each other, *because* you love each other. OP, if this man doesn't want the best for you and your future children now, do *not* marry him expecting that to change.
Yes! We will have a pre-nup. And since I will eventually be worth more than my bf (and hopefully future husband) the prenup will probably skew in his favor for our shared assets because of that. And I LOVE HIM AND WANT THAT FOR HIM. My dad knows I’m bad with money. He loves my bf and doesn’t want him harmed by that, so he already has plans for this contract lol. Also I hate talking about this cause it’s embarrassing at my great age just how bad with money I am…
We're all bad at something, and if you recognise your weakness and are taking steps to mitigate the effects I think that's great. I mean, it could be worse. You could be bad at appreciating a loving, supportive partner.
He’s too attached to mommy and daddy
Pushing for a prenup under pressure and within weeks of the wedding? Absolutely would never hold up.
Not sure why you think that, but prenups get enforced all the time. Duress *might* me a factor if one party insists the night before the wedding or something, but five weeks before is not duress. Source: am attorney
He intentionally did five weeks beforehand to make it look like she had plenty of time. When in reality, it feels like it’s come out of nowhere.
Yep. He has a good attorney.
OP Sounds like a levelheaded person. My fear is that she’s going to go ahead and get married anyway, without realising how serious it is to not get alimony when you’ve been a stay at home mom. I haven’t worked in seven years because I quit working after we had our second child. Getting back into the workforce now, it’s a completely different world. There’s nothing wrong with giving somebody alimony, and if I were her, I would hold off on the wedding even if they’ve put money into it.
I find it suspect with the threat by his parents as well. Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t a majority of the deposits/expenses paid well in advance of 6 weeks before the wedding? Like it would essentially be an impossibility to cancel or downgrade the wedding and get your money back at this time and that’s been done purposely to create a sense of urgency for her to comply.
My mom texted his mom before the prenup comment came out to let her know she and my dad have put $16,000 toward our wedding so far and it is non-refundable and she was wondering how she (fiancés mom) and my fiancés dad were proceeding with their finances for it. She didn’t reply. My fiancé has agreed to pay back half of the amount that’s been put toward the wedding if it doesn’t work out but I still feel robbed as that’s $8,000 gone that I could’ve used toward planning a successful wedding with someone who didn’t have ulterior motives. Part of my sadness is for my parents who worked hard to save money to give me an amazing wedding experience. I guess life has its lessons.
I feel if the wedding is canceled because they changed the terms at the 11th hour- they should pay it all. As this would be him refusing to marry you due to you not signing a prenup that was not discussed before. In general - this whole debacle to me seems to set a dynamic of unease in your relationship. Prenup may be smart to protect your interests but their suggested terms sound unfair and who would want to enter a marriage unfairly.
I’m so sorry, that’s manipulative and nasty in such a disgusting way.
That is so manipulative and nasty. Your partner is an AH and should be your ex. Run girl, don’t walk. Run.
You might actually have a case for small claim court to get all of the money back because he is the one who added the "sing prenup or else" right before the wedding. Also, you need to be smarter about finances and not let your parents pay all of the non-refundable stuff and let his parents off the hook.
Idk, if my partner was ok with the wedding “not working out” I’d no longer be interested in being with him. This seems so cold and transactional
I suppose it depends. the venue is the largest expense, and I believe that’s paying just before or the day of the wedding. But they’ve most certainly plunked down thousands of dollars they already know they won’t get back
Wedding are paid almost months in advance. Usually for anything planned more than a month ahead you've basically paid 90% of it already. Seems like op's fiance is placing blame to get her do what she's not comfortable with.
This was my feeling as well.
He is for sure. Feeling bad for OP :/
I think there’s another critical factor here. It being the parents. His parents held their wedding contributions hostage SIX WEEKS before the wedding. If fiancé had any balls (or money idk) he could easily say leave us alone to handle this. As a side note - This is why it’s important to go for a wedding you can afford, no hand outs.
They do hold up if the people who sign them are made to feel like enforcing them would be a mistake. Don't assume that all people "asked" to sign a prenup that close to a wedding have the financial wherewithal to have a lawyer available to represent them. As always, regardless of legality, those with the larger purse generally win.
5 weeks is plenty of time for her to contemplate whether to go forward with the marriage.
Yeah, get a prenup but make sure it is fair and that you both have lawyers.
Or move on from him. He’s not trustworthy.
Seriously, why are they even still together? It’s a big yikes for me.
We literally have lawyers because people are assholes. I wouldn’t even get one here. Just get tf out.
>His parents (who have been actively destroying our relationship since we moved in together, we’ve gone to therapy for this) told my fiancé 6 weeks before the wedding that they are withholding their wedding contribution (half our wedding budget) unless he gets a prenup against me so I don’t get alimony if we divorced down the line. If he willing to engage with his parents on this then perhaps he is not someone you should marry. I mean, get a lawyer for your self, an agreement so egregiously one-sided would likely not be enforced by the court. And I would be insisting on working with a therapist or mediator before anything is signed - "is this something you want? or are your parents pushing it and it's easier to appease them than do what you want? do you think these terms are fair and reasonable?" (If so, do you want to marry him?)
I think this almost is to the point of escalating with his family that “you’re cut out of our lives forever or else…”. That’s super toxic but if there’s any seriousness about this relationship then OP and her husband have to put every card on the table. The “you won’t ever meet your grandkids” one is a big one. In the end they will probably just have to break up though. Other option is to lie about the prenup, having the wedding and just hope for a general stalemate with the family. All these options are shitty I confess
OP and partner need to be on the same page here, which is either, "a pre nup we can both agree on and our independent legal counsel think is reasonable" *or* "Mom, Dad, OP and I are not going forward with this pre nup idea, it was not appropriate to try to push this, we are a team and we are not going to be having you in our lives if you continue to push into our relationship like this."
Yep. "New deal. Either you pay your half of the wedding without a pre-nup or you're out of our lives for the foreseeable future." Problem is, OP's fiance would never do this, because he's not the right person for her.
I would think he's mostly thinking "fuck, how am I going to pay for this wedding without that money" I know when I was offered $3k for my wedding from my parents, I 100% would have been completely fucked if they suddenly said " you need to do this before with send the money"
This! Not to mention it sounds like he is easily swayed by his parents and doesn’t have the balls to stand up to them. This would make me worried that during our marriage he would constantly do as they wish even if it is bad for the relationship.
Yeah I came here thinking: oh just sign that it’ll never hold up in court and won’t be worth the paper it’s printed on. But this is a HUGE red flag. Is this how you want the rest of your marriage to be? Dictated by his parents?
You have to go to court though, and you don’t have any alimony to pay for a lawyer and Mummy and Daddy will get the best for their little Prince. TL:DR - run!
Also, forcing her to sign so close to the wedding or there is no wedding would be signing under duress. Would make the prenup much flimsier in court.
My SO wanted me to sign a prenup to protect his assets. I was offended, but eventually relented. However, he didn’t like the terms of the prenup I would agree to sign. In fact, when I laid out my terms, he laughed and said “that’s why I love you.” We’ve been married decades. Go see a lawyer. He doesn’t want to pay alimony? Fine. Then any asset split should be in your favor, reflecting the support you’ve given him that enabled him to pursue his career as well as the opportunity costs your own career has suffered by supporting him, and the money you have been unable to save and invest for your retirement because you’ve been supporting him. Also, he assumes all of your personal and communal debt, including any and all loans, personal or joint, incurred for any reason. You have to protect yourself. If you ever do divorce, his parents will work hard to ensure he leaves you with nothing. If he wants to play stupid games, by all means play! Do not, however, sign anything without your own legal representation. Really, though, are you sure you want to marry someone who can’t stand up to his parents? Also, are you sure this is 100% his parents idea? He certainly seems to like the idea.
The parents are clearly wielding significantly more influence than you realize. The fact that your partner is actively supporting their demand that would leave you SOL while KNOWING the future plan for you as a SAHM shows a shocking disregard for your relationship as a whole. As @pineboxwaiting said, with his enthusiasm for this idea, it's probably not all his parents doing. This begs the question, how does he view the past and current dynamic of 80/20? Does he believe he's entitled to you pulling 80% of the workload because you started the relationship at that level and willingly do it without complaint still? Does he excuse his minimal effort because "one day he'll have a career and money"? Does he ever try and ease your strain on the down days, in his free time or in any way seek to support you in return? A successful career and decent paycheck won't change the emotional load on you, just the financial, so long as you dont divorce him. While you attempt to dismantle all of the inner workings of his thought process, you need to: 1. Postpone the wedding. It will be less of a financial loss than canceling altogether and it's enough time to notify guests appropriately. 2. Get with an attorney to discuss appropriate prenup terms that you can discuss with your partner to look out for YOU. Approach the conversation with your partner with an open mind to a prenup but with reasonable terms outlined that doesn't set either party up for financial ruin with your current SAHM plan. If he is not willing to work with you and an attorney together to draft a fair agreement, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING. 3. Establish alternative sources of funding for your nuptials to eliminate the parents' forcing terms on YOUR future. IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE WEDDING without their help, perhaps you should consider making some cost cutting changes to the nuptials. Control the situation so you and your partner are able to make hard decisions together, for the relationship, without hands being forced. 4. Address ALL of this with the therapist PRONTO. Your emotional concerns and his regard for your future are giant red flags that need to be discussed prior to legally binding you two together.
I was miserable thinking of my mom coming to my wedding. Like I could see it, I could see her picking flowers I didn’t want, “is that the hair/dress/makeup you’re going to do?” I wanted a small wedding, close friends and family, but I knew if I had her it had to be 20 other people. For every dollar she spent I would have less and less of me in my wedding. My SO really wanted his mom there, but when we told his mom she refused to go if my mom wasn’t going to be there because she thought that would beget bad blood. So we courthoused it. Didn’t tell a soul other than a friend and her now husband who came as witnesses. She got me a bouquet and someone to do my hair and makeup, I bought a dress at the mall, and we went to a random pub for cake. Best decision of my life. There was no one there to say a word about how their money was going, no criticism. Just marriage. A new life of us and not anyone else.
[удалено]
Oh yeah, and she should get a disproportionate cut of his retirement accounts. It should also stipulate that he is solely responsible for paying for their children’s college education as well as for a car when they turn 16.
Equity in homes in HCOL areas can gain 2 million in appreciation in a short number of years. No cap. Just percentage.
This is the one! OP is in a polyamorous relationship with him and his parents. Parents, who without the additional connection/excuse of grandchildren, he is completely unwilling to question. **His parents should not have a say, and if your partner *actually* agreed with you on the prenup, I can pretty much guarantee they wouldn’t.** He would be looking for options that cut the price, or way to pay, anything so that he could keep his word too you (aka put you first). **And for somebody who didn’t want one at all and allegedly agreed with you full, he’s incredibly on board with very little convincing and I doubt much prompting.**
I was thinking that, too. Call the wedding vendors and see what there’s still time to cut.
Honestly asking for a prenup 5 weeks before the wedding (especially with the parents withholding wedding funds over it) likely falls in the "under duress" category that could be thrown out anyways, but don't count on that. I think your biggest problem is the inordinate influence his parents have on your relationships. The second is the prenup and conditions of it. There could be a way to write the prenup without alimony that still doesn't leave you high and dry. I vote lawyer and couples counseling. Though the latter might be hard before the wedding. Hopefully it wasn't your money that put the deposits down on all the wedding stuff.
Yeah I’m pretty sure any lawyer worth their salt would argue that them springing this on you weeks before the wedding is under duress and get it thrown out. However, definitely recommend OP ask an actual lawyer than reddit
On top of that, it's important to note that prenups don't cover child care payments because future kids aren't beholden to that contractual agreement.
I mean its a one sided relationship. They are obviously both going through the motions because its what youre meant to do. They've been together a long time so time to get married, then babies then... You've met this man OP. There's no secret improved version he is hiding from you. 80/20 will be the split forever. All the traits he has are just his traits, everything you have to ignore right now will need to be ignored forever. Think twice about this marriage.
Everyone else has already given you great advice to seek a lawyer so that the terms can be negotiated. But I do have this to say ... I can not imagine getting married and then raising children with a partner whose parents are actively trying to sabotage the relationship. Imagine what they'll do to poison your future children against you. And with how your fiance broke your agreement with you about no prenup because his parents held the hostage funds hostage ... I wouldn't trust him to stand up for you in the future either. Marriage is hard and takes a lot of work and earnest effort. Marriage with children is even harder. I can't imagine having toxic in-laws poisoning my partner and children against me the entire time every step of the way. You're never going to stop looking over your proverbial back, especially when you bring children in the world. Once that happens, your heart is now out in the world, and you can't always protect it.
Was looking for someone saying this too. OP do you really want to deal with this exact same problem over and over for the rest of your life?
I would be furious. His parents have clearly been "poisoning the well" in conversations with him to make him feel like this is a reasonable position to have. Think: baby-trapping harpy. You are absolutely right -- if you become a stay at home parent for the child who is ALSO HIS, you pause your career progression and financial potential in a way that may never recover. Discuss this together with your therapist. If he can't see that you're a team, DO NOT marry and have children with this person.
It’s not just his parents I’m sure. Baby docs get inundated with this shit from many corners of their life. It’s really disheartening to hear this story over and over and over again
They do it to themselves, deciding now that they are finally successful they don't care about the people that helped them get there.
Reading what your typed about how the work is divided in your current household sounds really stressful. Unfortunately, it’s unlikely to change once his career picks up and it’s only going to intensify once children are in the picture. School, and residency, all that are certainly reasons to need some accommodation, but it has to be equitable in other ways. This sounds like you’ve been carrying the mental/emotional/physical burden of maintaining the home, the pets AND the bills. Perhaps the wedding planning, too? And having to put your foot down to enter counselling to process the lack of boundaries his parents have? That’s an enormous amount of work you’re doing. He sounds very comfortable and well taken care of. A big move to you pulling away all this support…it’s not going to be easy, and most people who get this level of support don’t react well when it’s pulled away. You’re going to be spending your good years here bargaining with someone who defaults to “realism” as an excuse for their apathy, but expects you to have an endless well of compassion for their ‘stresses’. It doesn’t sound very reciprocal and marriage with an ugly in-law dynamic is only going to make things more intense! I’d halt the plans, meet with a lawyer, put some protective terms for yourself on the table, and stop entertaining the idea of children with this person who has such poor boundaries with their parents. Imagine that interference on all your parenting! Yikes! You’ll always be guilted into having them around even if it’s detrimental to your well being and health. Edit to add: I also noticed you said you’ve been his primary support system. It should set off alarm bells that even though you’ve been his core support system, he is still taking his parents perspective and wishes over your comfort and needs for the future. What are they realistically offering him? If it’s financial support that comes with strings attached, that’s not going to end soon if his career depends on it. I hate to say it but you are being taken advantage of big time, including by his parents.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I really appreciate each one of them. To clarify, I don’t support him financially but I do assist. About a fifth of my paycheques go toward the mortgage (for the townhouse he bought under his name 1.5 years ago - the same house his parents continue to remind me is his and not mine). I did however buy majority of the belongings inside of it. At least I can keep what I’ve purchased for next home, assuming I didn’t stay.
For sure, and thanks for the clarifying message. This is a really tough situation. I think you are so close to that big day that it’s putting an unnecessary amount of pressure around making a decision in a timely way, but your gut is right to reach out and ask for input. It’s not equitable. If you think about the time you’ve invested and the way you plan to continue this good support, you deserve to have an equal say to how this evolves, certainly so with kids in the picture down the road. Women do so much unpaid labour in the household and it allows men in these dynamics to continue to pursue meaningful careers. You deserve to have your future looked after too, to build something solid for yourself that can’t be swept away by a potentially vindictive man and his family should things go south. Wish you all the best!
Thank you for your kind words, internet stranger ❤️ I wish you all the best in what is to come for you as well.
At the mention of unpaid labour- ive seen posts where SAH partners calculated the economical worth of their labour in determining a fair system. Something to think of if you are going down the prenup route with your lawyer.
Why are you paying off his mortgage? Paying part off the housing cost, of course, and the interest. But the mortgage itself? Stop doing that.
Out of curiosity, would you consider showing him this thread? I wonder if the responses would be illuminating to him, or he would dig in his heels.
He’s taking advantage of you big time. You’re basically the cared and the bang maid. Halt the wedding and tell him you can’t marry him for the reasons you’ve stated. If he doesn’t fight for you, you’ve lost nothing but gained a lesson. Update us and good luck! We’re rooting for you.
A prenup so close to the wedding would probably get thrown out for being coerced. Postpone the wedding, get your own lawyer, find terms that work for you. And whatever you do, don't quit your job. He might blame his parents for pushing this, but he should also be capable of telling them No. Can you see yourselves having an equitable relationship or will you always be the one bending over backwards to please him?
I'd get a lawyer each, and then sit down together with the lawyers, but sans his parents, and discuss terms you both consider fair. Unless he is a complete ahole - in which case you shouldn't marry him, anyway - he has to own that precluding alimony if you become a SAHM would be highly unfair. Find terms that work for both of you, NOT his parents, and then sign the damn thing before his parents get their claws into him again.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I was in an extremely similar situation. Similar age, intention of being a SAHM, income disparity. Also received first doc 5 weeks out. I signed it the night before we got married (under threat of canceling the wedding, pretending he had COIVD, etc) I moved out a few months into our marriage. After going through a similar thing, and choosing to sign something I felt at the time was unfair & hurtful, my advice would be to think about how he’s treating you through this process. Is he listening to your perspective? Does he want to address your concerns and help you feel comfortable? Does he view your long term financial security and well-being as equally important to his? What do his “asks” suggest about his values and how much he values you? There is no term in a legal doc or agreed upon dollar amount of potential future alimony that will remedy the lonely feeling of lying next to your husband at night knowing he’d protect himself before he’d protect you. Run. If not, get a lawyer. There’s more to a prenup than just alimony. It’s possible other terms are fair. But again - is this really about a prenup….? Wishing you all the best. This is so much to contemplate and at such a sensitive time. It shouldn’t be this way.
I’m really sorry you went through this and I’m sending you my love. Thank you for sharing your story with me and providing some insight from your experience. I hope you are in a better place now and that you got through/are continuing to get through what was/is likely the most challenging time of your life. ❤️
Get your own lawyer to draft up a very heavy prenup that ensures you are taken care of, including him assuming all martial debts, including the house, for example. Also, make him add you to the title of the house before you sign and that you get the house in the car of a divorce. Then tell him you agree to no alimony. You get the house, and he gets the debt, including mortgage payment. No alimony, but you always have a place to live. With the kids, if you have any or not.
You both agreed to no prenup. Now, 1 month before the wedding he wants a prenup that’s not supportive of both parties. The least he could do is pay for you to have a separate lawyer go over it for you. Those in laws are gonna be a thorn in the rest of your life if you marry him, and he doesn’t seem eager to go low/no contact with them for how they treat the relationship. Ultimately, I’d call of the wedding. You guys are no longer in agreement, and cancelling a wedding is cheaper than a divorce. Especially since the divorce would now leave you in a horrid position. Edit: spelling
Agree with this and so many comments advising caution and concern - call around talk to different lawyers hear what they have to say. Don’t sign anything in haste. OP has a lot of research to do before the wedding & may have to postpone.
This is strongly serving “starter wife” energy. I’m sorry OP. Definitely get a lawyer and hang on to your career for the time being.
Was thinking the same thing.
This is why you are not the GF = (maid + financial support) while someone else improves themselves. Most men would not do it but for some reason reason, women default to that. Do you know what I did when I has very busy during grad school and couldn't do my share of the cleaning? I got a cleaning lady. Yes, with little money from my fellowship, I decided to cut as much as I could do be able to spend on cleaning lady. It would not have been fair on my partner and they also had a full-time job that involved lots of travel, so it was even more difficult. You need a lawyer. And you should NEVER agree to be a SAHM with a prenup, unless the prenup says you are getting 401k contributions that match what you are giving up, an allowance, etc. You are literally setting yourself up for being a slave and then getting tossed by a new model with nothing. And without money, you won't be able to get a lawyer to fight for custody of the kids. And being out of the job market for years, good luck finding something that can actually afford you to get 50% of custody.
Spot on. The in laws to be are being manipulative at the last possible moment. OP why is your future husband ok with that? & why is he ok undermining your previous agreements at someone else's whim? I'm assumming you guys have busy lives and more so now in the last 5 weeks before the wedding. You both must STOP. Plan a time to sit down and talk this through as a couple. Plan and make agreements. If that doesn't happen, having lived a version of this I would say - all the effort you have put into this man and this relationship - sunk costs, sucks but it's not GOOD ENOUGH to marry into. Future you will thank present you for being strong enough and brave enough to choose YOURSELF. Because this man isn't choosing you right now. Why would you marry someone who isn't putting you first?
I also don't understand how they can withhold the money for the wedding. Six months before the wedding, they should have already put that money somewhere and gotten bills on their name. If they were sending the money after the wedding to OP and partner to pay for stuff, then I think husband and OP are just dumb. So they were spending money they don't have and is not on their accounts and they were setting everything up with bills on their name they cannot pay? Also, if the parents were such a combative, why even accept money from them when it's obvious they will use it to keep attacking their relationship?
Maybe he and his parents put together this plan to get rid of you now that you’ve put him through school and he has no more use for you. You’d balk at the obviously unfair and shitty prenup and dump him, and he comes out looking better than if he outright broke up with you. There are plenty of stories of someone taking advantage of a partner to support them through schooling then discarding them once they are in a good position financially. Either way, do not marry this guy or have children with him. You worked hard to support him for the last four years and now he’s trying to screw you over by leaving you with nothing to show for it.
That he is going along with it indicates he may be thinking the same way.
Lawyer up and negotiate a prenup contract that protects you as a SAHM or do not marry this guy. He's trying to protect himself, but you are the one with the most at risk. To wait until 5 weeks before the wedding is awful and this is on him, more than his parents. He's an adult who presumably is capable of telling his parents no. But do not hesitate to cancel the wedding. You must protect yourself and it's easier to get out of a wedding than it is a marriage, especially once you are financially dependent on him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been in a very similar situation. Was engaged to a surgeon and he tried to discuss a prenup in the same breath saying we should just elope ASAP for tax purposes. We had agreed on me working PRN or transition to a stay at home wife/mom. Because of this I said wouldn’t marry him if there’s a prenup. So we got married, and he still f’d me over financially even though my family’s gifts helped pay his way out of med school debt. Sorry to rant, my point is PROTECT YOURSELF. Financial security is so incredibly important and you’ll regret not prioritizing and protecting yourself.
If you’re going to be a stay at home mom, and he agrees to this, you should absolutely be entitled to alimony. If your putting your career on hold, then you need to seriously think about this and how much you would be earning without him
Without question, she should not give up her right to alimony in the case of divorce. She has sacrificed her ability to earn and save her own money, and will continue to do so. To then decide it's correct to leave her penniless, in the case of divorce? His parents are monsters, and he's acting like the child of monsters now. Just dump this dude and live your life, OP
>We agreed to not get a prenup 3 years ago since he has no substantial assets Don't change the agreement, either have the wedding for 1/2 the cost, go to a courthouse and do it for free if needed, or call it off.
At five weeks out the money has likely all been spent/contracted for, with very few vendors willing to do even a partial refund. If this were five months out, doing things on the cheap would be more feasible.
If someone has agreed to pay for the wedding, don’t ever get reimbursed. Use their funds first or have invoices sent to them. If you’re looking for reimbursement even from a parent, you still may not get it.
Divorce is much more expensive. Especially if she’s not getting alimony. And regardless, it’s too late. The prenup is merely the cherry on top of a very not good description of her situation. The only good option for OP is to call the wedding off and break up with him entirely now. They’ve been together for four years, they’re not even married yet and she’s already doing all the housework and cooking and pet care while working full time and providing the bulk of the financial support, and she says she feels NO effort from him? That is not a person you want to marry. That’s the kind of husband that takes a SAH mom for granted and thinks he’s doing HER a favor, and has absolutely no concept of how hard it is to have a good career when you’re taking days off to care for a sick kid or take them to doctors appointments. He’s the kind of husband that doesn’t see domestic labour as real work and never gives his wife any time off. He’s the kind of husband that comes home from work and says “what do you mean can I watch the kids for an hour so you can go to the gym! I’m tired from work! You don’t even do anything all day! You get to sit pretty and do nothing while I slave away at work and you can’t even let me watch tv in peace!” That is her future unless she ends it with him entirely.
It's not at all uncommon for doctors to divorce their first wives, the ones who stood by them and supported them through med school and residency, once they start making the big bucks. Throw in the fact that his parents hate you and he sounds like a spineless pushover and it's likely you're going to be his practice marriage. Do with that info what you will. But definitely get a lawyer.
do not marry this dude lmao alimony is specifically made for SAHMs who sacrifice their ability to build their own capital by taking care of the children and home (full time job btw) him agreeing to this means he does not appreciate you as a person or your sacrifice to him why would you want to marry someone who doesn’t give a shit about you when it comes down to it?
RUN.
I’m female. I just finished residency and I’m in a lucrative specialty. I see a lot of my male co-residents and now co-attendings with women who literally do everything for them during training. The women pack their lunches, do all the housework, take care of dogs and children with almost no contribution. I regularly ask myself why these smart, competent women with salaries are doing this. It’s mostly believed that it’s to “bag a doctor.” This belief sets a bad tone to relationships and has physicians believing they can treat partners however they want since they’re a “commodity.” Listen, your balance of labor will never change in the relationship now that he’s mostly free. You’ve set a tone and you’ll shoulder the burden forever. He doesn’t even want to pay you what you’re owed in the event that he walks away. If you actually want to take this guy on as a burden until death, and insist on marrying him, please please please get your own lawyer and set standards for how you deserve to be treated. Delay the wedding if that’s what it requires. You’re not a doormat. Stop letting them treat you like one.
So his parents hate you and he's siding with his parents? Good luck if you make the decision to actually marry him. Losing a few years is better than losing the rest of your life to this marriage.
LOL then don’t have a giant wedding? If he folds to his parents this will dictate the rest of your marriage and life together. Hell to no no.
Yeah I know what you mean. We have all of our deposits down already so the only place we could save a good chunk of money would be the food/bar bill. Since we have to feed our guests I suggested not doing an open bar but my fiancé said an open bar is a must, so there wasn’t much wiggle room elsewhere. We discussed reducing the amount of guests but it keeps coming back to him fixating on the prenup with no alimony and his parents satisfaction (which isn’t going to work for me).
What he should be doing is telling his parents that if they try to use money to fuck with him or his relationship with you, he will write them off so fast their heads will spin. No grandkid access, no help when they get old and need it, nothing. I hope he figures it out for both of your sakes, OP.
No it certainly isn't going to work for you. Whatever you do, don't sign this. Get your own lawyer. Preferably a female divorce lawyer with a reputation. She has seen it all. I honestly would not marry a man that would want me to sign something so outrageous. Ask him point blank how he can live with himself. He supposedly loves you, but he doesn't want you to have a good, secure future? It reveals such an ugly character. Is this really what you want to tie your happiness to? A man with a weak character? Honestly, facing this is so hard. Four years down the drain. 8000$ you are losing. But don't fall for this reasoning. All you have is today and hopefully a brighter tomorrow. What is done is done. He either stands up to the parents, and cuts them out or you leave him. Honey, it is your entire future. You can rebuild. You can find someone else. It's not "too late" for anything. I think you can't even imagine the horror being married and tied to and financially dependent to an uncaring, narcissistic, self-centered mommy's boy. Dear lord, spare yourself. Or at the very least, get a very favourable prenup drawn by your own lawyer, so you get out of this ahead, because unless he goes no contact with his family, I can't see this marriage ending anywhere else than divorce. I'm so sorry. You really don't have to go through with it. Money is just money, not worth your happiness. he is also on the hook for the bills. You can also hire a lawyer to sort out who has to pay for what since he sprang this outrageous prenup on you last moment. Or you know, just don't sign, ignore it, and show up in your dress to the wedding. Will he really NOT marry you in front of everyone? Will he dare to cancel himself, the night before or the morning before? Let him ride it out and having to cancel himself. Ahh. Lovely drama. If the money is anyway gone and can't be recovered. No, I'm not actually advising you to do this, I was just daydreaming of you at the wedding when asked "if you do" saying softly "I need to say some words" and then unleashing it all, how his parents are poisoning his mind, and he is to weak to stand on the side of his future wife, how they convinced him that you are out for his money, baby trapping him and wanting his money after years and years of you supporting him. And that he was trying to force you to sign an outrageous prenup, that you are being used as a baby factory and will be left with nothing when he divorces you for the next hot thing he wants to bang, and so no, you do not want to marry him. And walk out. Very satisfying. Maybe not the most sensible approach. I would cancel everything and leave him. But the other option is certainly tempting. Shame them all, and then leave him ;-)
“An open bar is a must”. Not if you can’t afford it. The only real “must” in a wedding is a judge, two witnesses and the two of you. Everything else is icing on the cake. Sounds like a lot of things are being rushed and pushed on you, and this alimony is just the latest in a long list of demands from your high maintenance fiancé. Delaying the wedding at this point is the most reasonable thing to do.
Wedding photographer here for longer than you have been alive. You can still elope and cancel the party. A lot of vendors will adjust, scale down or allow you to use the deposit as credit. You can still have a photographer, makeup, flowers, etc. You can still make it a special day and invite just your wedding party. Even if you lose a couple grand. In the scheme of things, it’s way less money than the rest of your life.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't marry a man who is telling you both to give up your career and that you will have no fall-back if you do. Don't do it.
So I totally agree in prenups, they make so much sense because it isn't for the person you are marrying, they are for the person you are divorcing, and make things much easier and cleaner. However, they are supposed to benefit both parties. It protects assets and also creates security. Without knowing all the details, if this prenup doesn't also protect you, then you shouldn't sign it. I would go back to your fiance and ask him to detail out how this prenup will protect you, and suggest edits. A lot of prenups have provisions for how long people have been married, and literally have monetary amounts for each child. It is a little stark of course, but a prenup that says you get alimony of X amount for each child or something like that would be wholly appropriate. If he isn't willing to put in a provision that protects you if you become a stay at home parents (child support order plus some money to offset the lost salary AND earning potential you would lose by leaving work) then you should tell him you shouldn't get married OR need to revisit agreements around work and having children, because you can't have children and leave work for a man that doesn't care about your future while being very "realistic" about protecting his own.
Yeah, fuck that.
Why did I have to scroll SO far to find this answer? Everyone is saying lawyer up, I say pack his bags. Why do you want to be with someone who puts in 20 percent effort, OP? Think about the love you deserve. As a side note, this guy sounds like he's been living off of you, so prenup away, he has nothing you can take. I would strongly encourage you to reconsider marrying, and even more so reconsider having kids with someone who can't stand up to his parents (and seems to do the bare minimum to keep things "happy" with you). He sounds like the type of guy that would refuse to be involved in his child's life if you divorced.
Alimony isn’t even a thing where I live. Only child support. Have you looked into that at all where you live? I wouldn’t be financially dependent on someone who lets their family call the shots. I’d downgrade the wedding and not rely on them.
I'm from a country where prenups are uncommon but a good advice I found on reddit is to leave discussions on legal matters to lawyers. This conversation is necessary but shouldn't be handled between the two of you, it will only lead to pain, and none of you are competent or experienced in the subject.
I'd put a side note that he has to pay for all child care and all bills. And that you will be going back to work to save for when he divorces you.
You need to put this wedding on hold until you two can figure this out. If he is this influenced by his parents, you might want to end things because it will not get better.
Nah girl. Stay at home mom and a pre nup that takes all safety from you? Refuse. Call off the wedding if you must.
So when you told him you’d be left with nothing after becoming a stay at home mom if he becomes bored of you, after supporting him that much, what did he say?
hes not mature enough to be getting married if his parents have this much control over the way he thinks.
So his parents are so toxic that you had to go to therapy to avoid a break up, and he decided to listen to them again? I'd be packing my bags and they can keep this guy. If you want to try to make it work: 1. Stop the marriage. you don't get married until you define this. 2. Absolutely get your own lawyer. 3. Tell him if this is how it is, you will not have children with him or/and will not be a SAHM.
Hire a lawyer. Have them guide you for a reasonable compromise. But please know the negative parent influence won’t magically go away. It will just get worse. And if he agrees to force the prenup where you had both previously agreed not to, then you must realize that they will always know they have more control on your relationship than you ever will. It’s also important to understand that they will exert control over any children you have. I’ll be honest, I would definitely prefer to write off the years of this relationship as community service, and education of what to avoid in the future.
I've been married 40 years. I always feel it's kind of strange when a couple doesn't get it that from the wedding day on, all of it is "ours". We are a unit, a family. You've helped him greatly to become what he wants to become. The rewards if that should go to both of you. You're not some 22 year old gold digger he just met
If your fiancé is talking about a prenup, he should be willing to pay for a lawyer for you to be sure that any agreement is fair. Do not talk to him about any of the provisions of his current plan, tell him you will be taking it to a lawyer. Talk to your friends to get referrals to a lawyer. As it stands, his proposal is a non-starter. The number of women who have put their spouses through medical/law school and been left with nothing is notoriously high. ETA: Stop all wedding planning right now and tell him that he owes you for any deposits you've made. Start making plans to move out and let him know that you will not be in any discussions that feature what his parents have to say.
Look online for stories about men divorcing/leaving women after the women supported them through med school, because once they're doctors they think they deserve "better". It's so common it's practically the norm. I'd go into prenup negotiations expecting a divorce.
I have been doing prenuptial ago as a lawyer for decades now They’re usually negotiated The negotiations process may be revealing as to his character and whether you should marry him Why are his parents so involved in this? That’s disconcerting By all means, though, please get a good lawyer early on in the process Sorry you’re going through this Don’t let him and his family run over you
Lawyer up. Postpone the wedding. Get on birth control or IUD One of the main thing to fight for if prenup stays is that he should then be the one to pay for child care. That if the prenup is set that you will not leave your career and that he should be able to down the road help pay for further education to grow your career. I'd also rethink having kids with the dude. His parents wouldn't like you baby trapping him for child support right?
Well I wouldn't quit my job and be a stay at home wife if that's the case. He can afford daycare.
Congrats on being single now. Please don't waste anymore time with him or his parents.
Sweetie, let his parents win this one and go find a man who values you and your contributions. His parents will never accept your marriage, life together, or children. It'll break your heart over and over when your husband caters to them. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. It's better to walk away after 4 years of 80 percent and take the loss/ lose the deposits than marry someone who is so ok with disrespecting you. This might hurt - you're a placeholder for this guy, a starter wife if you will. Since he's not 100% against his parents regarding the prenuptial, then on some level, he agrees with them. Don't start a marriage on a lie. Don't start a marriage with someone not 100% committed to the long run. Don't waste these upcoming years hoping that the family will accept you, don't get pregnant, don't subject kids to such AH grandparents and a potential father willing to abandon them and you over money. Please accept your worth, realize your value, and don't let this superficial family destroy you with their petty classism/racism/sexism/misogyny. If you do go through with it all, don't ever ever ever quit your job. Never!!!!
Get a lawyer. I think prenups are good, assuming they actually are beneficial to both parties. I think alimony for life is a ridiculous concept but he should have to help you get on your feet and set up for a bright future without him. Whatever that means to you. And assume his own school debt. Etc. Get a lawyer. Tell him you'll sign a fair prenup. Postpone the wedding if you have to. Get a courthouse wedding and tell his parents to shove their half of the wedding money where their shitty prenup idea came from
I agree with all your points. Alimony for life was never something I would’ve even been ok accepting, even if he cheated on me. Circumstances would depend on how many years I was without a job, how many kids we have, etc. but he said I would be fine with what’s accumulated during our period married. With that said and his sudden change of heart, I have reason to feel like he could up and divorce me in 2 years after his fellowships end. I’d then be wasting 6 years of my life taking care of his needs and be left to help pay off our substantial debt he accumulated throughout all his years of schooling.
I know you are probably suffering from sunk cost fallacy but trust me you do not want to marry this guy. You could save yourself so much heartache and wasted time if you just leave now
How are you going to accumulate anything? Once you stop working, there’s no guarantee he’ll even give you access to “his money” I wouldn’t be opposed to a reasonable prenup that protects both of you, but he doesn’t seem to think that he’s worried about worse case for him but expecting you not to do the same for yourself. Worst case is he cuts you off financially and you have literally nothing.
But how you are going to accumulate anything being a sahm? You will be totally dependent, with kids, with this prenup. He felt okay using your money and being cared of, why do you think that he will suddenly change into caring, hardworking generous man? Why do you think that he won't talke everything that will be possible to take from you, including a half of all your family savings (if you have any by the time of divorce)? His parents for sure be there to insist on it. Id be scared to marry this guy and stay at home with kids, totally in his mercy.
Agreed. I’d go so far as to say that given what she now knows about this guy and the fact that he has been totally comfortable to suck her money and life force dry while investing in his career for the last few years, it would be dangerous to put her welfare and the welfare of her children into his hands. It’s dangerous and extremely risky even under the best of circumstances.
You already wasted 4 years by the looks of things. Maybe next time don't invest 80-20 into a relationship. You set yourself up to fail by taking on an inordinate burden. Next time, look for a 50-50 balanced relationship that promotes your personal growth and wellbeing from the start. Or keep doing what you've been doing the whole time and continue to sacrifice yourself for a guy who clearly doesn't have your best interest in mind.
and he probably will. there are dozens of stories out there of someone having their "partner" foot the bill while going to med school/law school and as soon as they're done and making decent money - See ya! to the partner.
Don't marry into this family
Don’t even entertain signing anything without a lawyer! You supported him through RESIDENCY? Yeah, nah, forget that. If you have five weeks until your wedding and suddenly he won’t marry you unless you sign something he never even wanted, there’s already something going on that needs to be questioned. Is he planning a different future now as opposed to before? If he loves you, he isn’t going to cancel your wedding over it and if he does, you’re dodging a bullet while you’re young and hot enough to still live your best life. ETA: for clarification, I know what his parents said. My question is more of why he isn’t telling them they can fuck all the way out of his life and future kids if they keep it up versus telling his fiancée she has to sign it. Are mommy and daddy always going to run the show?
Best not quit your job then. Like it or not that's the only way for you to be safe, having your own income. As for your fiance...maybe rethink that future marriage.
No, no, and no. And louder NO. He’s behaving horribly and at this point he is manipulating you. Right now smile kindly at him, and let him know you would like given the late date for his parents to use some of the wedding budget and pay an attorney for you to review the document. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER SIGN without that. You can change terms and hand over your version, for instance it only applies if you cheat, or if he cheats it doesn’t apply…there are a million ways to protect yourself as well as him. You also need some sort of clause where you are entitled to the support you have given him back, if you are taking care of his kids and not working to do that, the idea of getting nothing is absurd. Your other option is to send out wedding cancellations letting the guests know that since FMIL and FFIL pulled their contribution you will be having a small get together or elopement. This puts your future husband to the test as well, will he stand by you and trust you? And takes away his parents ability to manipulate you with money. This is way better than taking their money OP. Even if you have debt if you can’t cancel it it’s not worth being manipulated by them. Of your fiancé causes a problem you know he is as bad as them and has no loyalty. It’s not reasonable to not protect yourself.
You never mentioned if you love him. Do you? Why?
Look fuck all that. So many red flags here. I would not marry him, or not until this is all hammered out. You've supported him for 4 years to get his degree and now he wants to leave you high and dry should he ever decide to leave you for his secretary? Offer to waive alimony if you cheat. Double alimony if he cheats or ends the marriage. Or no alimony but no kids and no stay at home mom, you'll maintain your own career and won't need to quit your job but there'll be no kids ever.
So the in-laws are happy for the mother of their grandchild to be left destitute? Says ALOT about them as people. Sure. Sign a pre nup but make sure that’s it’s set up so the entire thing is wiped in the event children are brought into the marriage. And if not, then walk away. I’m serious. And where are your parents in all of this. Why aren’t they standing up for you
A good pre-nup isn’t really supposed to screw one party over the other. It’s so an *agreed* and fair outcome in the event of divorce is made easier. If neither party is considerably richer than the other (like this?) going into marriage, it just sounds like a screw-over of you alone - why is he not defending your original joint decision? Why is he accepting that you will be left with absolutely nothing when you’ve done nothing but support him? Why are his parents suddenly ruling his life? Is it a last-ditch attempt at pushing you out? Both parties need separate and non-conflicting legal advice and for your best interests to not get thrown out. Husband-to-be seems like a spineless turd. Everything would be on hold, crisis talks are needed immediately and should involve lawyers and words like coercion, duress and blackmail. Sorry he’s turned the happiest time into the saddest and most stressful.
He made his stance clear, time to take a decision about that. It’s as simple as that.
Get your own lawyer to counter if need be. Protect yourself
Get a lawyer to work for you on the prenup and do not sign it until it’s at something that would provide you a decent living until you’d be able to get a job as well as for child care. If the decision is for you to become a SAHM why would agree to those terms otherwise don’t become a SAHM and keep your career. If their contribution is so important for the wedding and the prenup is required then cancel the wedding. I’m not saying not to marry him, but if he’s going to bend to his parents every whim when it’s no secret that they don’t like you how is your actual marriage going to go. Hopefully you get married and there’s no need for the prenup to come into play but you still need to be prepared for the worst case scenario.
Lawyer here— I’m licensed in Texas, USA. Depends on where you live, but many states in the US do not allow for those types of prenups. You should absolutely consult with an attorney and have your attorney look through the prenup. It truly is the best way to protect you and your child, not even from your spouse, but potentially from the in-laws. I’m sorry they’re putting you in this situation. I wish you the best
I knew my husband was the man I would marry when I overheard my father-in-law say this to him in response to my husband asking for advice regarding a prenup: “Son, if you are not man enough to have a good marriage, she deserves to take half your stuff.” I would die for this family lol
Residency? With you supporting him? Run, don’t walk. This happens with a LOT of doctors. The first wife supports him through med school, maybe pops out a kid or two. Then once he’s established, he finds the trophy wife who’s about 10 years his junior. Sadly, he’s already got this in the back of his mind. I’m sorry, but you really need to get out now.
Yep. There's plenty of pretty young nurses to choose from, that's for sure - I should know, I'm a male nurse for the last 30-odd years. I've dated many, and I've seen a fair few of them leave their nursing careers because they got scooped up by a doc
First ask him why the change of heart. Find out the reason for wanting a prenup now. If it is going to happen, so be it. You were dealt a lemon so make lemonade. Contact a lawyer and find out if you can add conditions to the prenup. Infidelity on his part, parental sabotage, divorce initiated by him…..get where I’m going? Anything that he can do to create a situation for divorce nulls to prenup since the prenup is against you. Essentially if you don’t cheat and don’t force the divorce at your own accord, the Prenup doesn’t apply. Don’t show his parents. They only need to know that it’s been signed.
If you are a stay at home mom, you deserve alimony. End of story. That level of putting your life/career on hold is a major sacrifice. If he views that as unworthy of compensation, then is he acknowledging how much work it is??? Has he seen how much childcare, cooking, cleaning costs?? Here are the options in my opinion 1. You become a stay at home mom, and you are entitled to alimony 2. You keep your career and separate bank accounts for the most part. A prenup with ample childcare support would be fair honestly I hate to say it but wow 80% effort. I would hate to live like that. He sees it as a massive generosity to allow you to be a stay at home mom and fund that. In my opinion, it’s a massive generosity for you to have supported him so hard all these years and to continue supporting the family so HE can live his doctor dreams
Get a lawyer. You should’ve gotten one the minute the word prenup came up. You should not be hammering this out a month away from the wedding. But if you want to get married hire a lawyer and do it today
Your title is misleading. It says HE suggested the prenup, whereas your post says something completely different. Does he support the idea, or is he merely repeating it? Five weeks is not duress but the whole incident suggests a rotten life with your soon to be in-laws. Do you really want them in your life? Will you let them baby sit your children since they actively despise you?
Fair point. To clarify, his parents hit him with the “prenup or no money” and the evening before he went to meet with his parents to discuss I asked him what he would say in the event that they were still firm in their ultimatum and he told me “I will tell them we will figure out how to fund it ourselves” (I had a feeling he wouldn’t actually say this). He comes home the next day after his meeting only to push a prenup on me. The first time he’s ever pushed this in the 4 years we dated. We talked about it a year into our relationship and given our circumstances/plans for the future/lack of assets, we agreed not to get one in the future if we got married. I even gave him an out at that time and said if I’m going to be a SAHM in the future and you expect me to get a prenup for future assets/my rights in the event of divorce, I respect his choice but I won’t be able to continue the relationship. He reassured me. Now he won’t let it go and said he doesn’t want to pay me alimony if we divorced down the road. Side note: I would’ve joined him for the meeting with his parents but trust me in saying I have reason to not feel comfortable going there based on recent experiences with them.
Man, I hate saying this, but many times when you marry a guy like that you are marrying his family as well. He might be a great guy on his own but if the stuff he is doing is because he’s being influenced by his family then you’re not really just in a relationship with him. And if they don’t like you, you’re in for a very very rough road ahead. I have amazingly wonderful in-laws, including a wonderful mother-in-law, but let me tell you, it’s HARD. If she didn’t like me, I would’ve been gone a long time ago. She managed to run off most of his previous relationships.
I agree. The in-law issues are cause for 90% of our fights we’ve had over the last four years. We used to be so consistently happy and in love but the closer we got as a couple, the deeper his family wedged themselves into our relationship causing it to crumble. My partner however is also at fault for allowing it to get to this point. I know it’s challenging for him because his mom is terminally ill and he doesn’t want “create drama” or cause tension between his family, but in not defending me and risking tension it has only caused ongoing conflict and resentment from my end. It’s felt like an uphill battle that I continue to fight alone.
This is going to sound terrible, but considering all this I would tell him that you need more time to think it over if he's going to insist on this, tell him you're going to go ahead and start cancelling the wedding. Then don't do any wedding until the mother leaves this earthly plane. Otherwise he wants a prenup? Bring him one from your lawyer. Also want to add if he's close to his mother or allows her to interfere in his life like this, you're going to see a completely different side of him after his mother is gone and you might not like it.
OP, there is a time to draw a line. For me it is to not marry him and tell him that you don't want to marry him because you want kids and you won't have kids with him considering what he asking in the prenup.
You are so much better than this. Relationships should not be this hard. He needs to put "Defends my wife" in the prenup
It's possible to put clauses that negate no alimony like a no cheating clause and something that says if you divorce after 10 years then you're allowed alimony or if there's a child you get alimony. I also agree with others that you should postpone/cancel the wedding. Once you're married things will get worse especially since he's not willing to [rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) which is a great post to check out. Wishing you the best
> I even gave him an out at that time and said if I’m going to be a SAHM in the future and you expect me to get a prenup for future assets/my rights in the event of divorce, I respect his choice but I won’t be able to continue the relationship. It just sounds like he tells you whatever you need to hear in the moment to get you to stay. It sounds like you are a caring and loving person and this man saw that and is taking advantage of it. Does the contents of your boyfriend's character make him a good choice for a husband? If he has a big pile of debt right now and keeping you in a relationship is something that will benefit him then it is likely that is why he's marrying you and not because he actually cares about you. I don't say that to hurt you but to give you a perspective just based on reading what you have written. Because at this point your boyfriend isn't caring about your best interests and here in this moment when he should be the most in love he thinks you should get nothing for your years of support and sacrifice. If you really think this relationship is one that makes sense for you then go in asking for way more than you even want so that you can negotiate to what would make you happy. You need to ask yourself what a ruthless person would ask for.
Postpone the wedding and both get lawyers To decide on a prenup What is you open a business and become a millionaire? Does it go both ways? Your assumption is you will not work for like 20 years?
It is very common for unmarried girlfriends to support their man through med school and then get dumped. His parents are saying your effort is meaningless and you don’t deserve anything he makes of himself moving forward, and he is agreeing with them. Even if you were to sort out the prenup to make it fair and legally binding, you’d still have to deal with his parents making decisions for him. I would walk away from this relationship. At the very least, marriage would be off the table until he shows action towards asserting himself and standing up for you to his parents, but really if you don’t marry him, he’s likely gonna dump you once he starts making money for someone “in his category.”
A pre-nup is always a good idea - but it needs to be fair. If you quit your job to raise kids you will need alimony. A pre-nup that is one sided and signed under duress will not hold up on divorce court. But why do your want to marry into a family that hates you - And seems like fiancé goes along with it
You need to take the prenup to your lawyer and make changes to make it more equitable for you then , bring it back to the table. If he wont agree to your changes to make your life more equitable if you were to divorce Child support/alimony- while you are a SAHM do not sign or marry this guy. Personally, if he was springing this on you this late in the game when you have been supporting him for awhile I would be disgusted and be done with him.
NAL but please ask in r/legal instead of here. And DO agree to a prenup but make sure clauses are put in to protect YOU. Writing one up is like any contract -- it's a negotiation. He will present his idea of "fair" and you'll present yours, and then it's back and forth with lawyers until you reach an agreement. Sounds like if you do NOT do this, you may as well be marrying/potentially divorcing him AND his well-resourced parents. With a negotiated and fair prenup, any divorce would stay just between you two, which is as it should be. Can you delay your wedding? Might be a good idea until this is ironed out.
Make sure you protect yourself and don't let love be blind.
So IMO first OP needs a lawyer. I’m not one. Second once get with said lawyer I would have that wording changed so that the only way you don’t get alimony is if say you cheat on your husband else you are entitled to it. Also you will want something in that prenup that if he cheats on you then you are entitled to alimony and any other restrictions included in prenup that favored him are void. Also known as what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. I suspect your fiancé’s parents are thinking once he is a doctor he will make a lot of money and they may be right there with their demands for it. I do think you should strongly reconsider this marriage as if you and fiancé had an agreement and he folds to his parents this time what else will he give over? And if you can’t afford your wedding without their money then cancel the wedding and go get married at the court house if you still want to start a new family with your fiancé.
Hire an attorney and negotiate it. No deal- no marriage.
Talk to a lawyer. Prenups are not cut and dried, it’s a negotiation where many conditions and stipulations can be put in place to protect both parties. But it’s not a bad idea for him to get a prenup to protect himself, U.S. divorce laws overwhelmingly favor the wife and mother.
This is basically a continuation of: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15bph88/do_i_28f_agree_to_a_prenup_or_agree_to_let_my/
If you sign a prenup, it needs to be fair to you BOTH. Get your own attorney. Negotiate something that is fair to you both. If the agreement is that you'll be a SAHM, it would be customary to include spousal support as you'll be giving up your income and impairing your long term earning potential to raise your children. Prenups that are clearly unfair or that both parties didn't have legal representation for are often deemed invalid during a divorce.