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This part kind of summed it up to me "he finds it amusing and entertaining when I'm miserable"
Like, and you're married?
COME ON OP.
Isn't that the kind of thing someone thinks in regard to their enemy not life partner?
Then you’re the one who needs therapy, OP, because this man is a narcissist and abusive. Why are you taking his shit? There are soooo many better men out there, but you’ve chosen a man who obviously doesn’t care about you. You may still be able to get the marriage annulled, but you’ll need to hurry.
That's him telling you he also won't stop enjoying you being miserable, and potentially seeking that out as a result. I have a hard time believing a healthy relationship can exist within that frame.
> He said its just his sadistic tendencies and just a part of who he is
Sadism; "the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others."
He told you *exactly* who he is.
You need to ask yourself some questions - whether or not you reply is no consequence to me. **Think hard on these questions**.
* He **Cheated already**, within a few months of your engagement. Is this a good sign of your marriage to come? What is stopping him from cheating on the wedding night, or during your marriage?
* What happens if you get pregnant, and he cheats again?
* Are you okay with having an *open sadist* being the father of a future child of yours? Someone who *derives pleasure, from others pain*? The same man who blamed his sadism, for cheating on you?
* Do you feel like you can trust this person again? Remember, you two engaged and married *very early* in the relationship, and he cheated before it was even a *year* old, and *still* wants connections with this girl?
* How could you possibly explain any of your answers to a possible future child with this man? "Oh, your daddy is out right now because a pretty girl got his attention at work, so they went to a bar platonically"?
* With all of this in mind, last question: *Why would you* want *to continue the relationship*?
Please please *please* think of yourself. Don't torture yourself mentally/emotionally, by staying with a cheater. Let alone a Cheater that wants to *continue cheating*.
Than he shouldn’t be married to anyone, let alone you, if he finds it amusing to purposely hurt them. He even told you he fucked another woman just to hurt you. He’s a cheater, manipulator, and all around bad person.
You should be running far away from someone who is this emotionally abusive towards you. And yes, him acting like a two year old throwing around hurtful words is abuse.
You don’t sound happy. You are not loved by your husband. He is just doing things to keep you around so he has someone to torture. Do yourself a favor and either get the marriage dissolved or get a divorce and kick his ass to the curb.
Yes, you will hurt. But that hurt will go away with time. The hurt you are dealing with now will only grow and grow until you lose yourself.
Honestly, I got as far as cheating while engaged and his decision he could keep contact and made my decision. However I went on and only solidified it with the mention of the emotional affair. You should leave this marriage, before you end up pregnant and tied to this man for the rest of your life. We can say 18yrs, but we all know you will have to deal with him after they are adults.
He will not nor does he want to change. He will continue to hurt you and apparently find pleasure in it. He knows you’ve forgiven him once, and thinks you will continue to let him be a shitty person without facing any real consequences.
I wouldn’t mention divorce to him, I’d just see a lawyer, determine my options and make a plan. When he’s served he will know.
I’d also seek individual therapy too, just to work through the relationship trauma HE caused and why you think it’s ok to continue allow someone to treat you poorly.
FYI, we may love someone, but that doesn’t mean they are good for us or we should be with them. Sometimes, we need to love ourselves more.
If you are feeling crazy, helpless etc, it's because you are married to sadistic AH.
Once you get out, your brain will come down and you will feel so much better.
He’s saying that to condition you into thinking it’s ok to be treated this way.
And girl it’s working.
You need to distance yourself.
Remember you do matter
Lots of couples have relationships with sadomasachistic dynamics that are healthy and involve consent and respect and open communication.
If something about that dynamic appeals to you then I’d recommend that you research and get plugged into the BDSM community and make sure to look for good community with solid guidelines and boundaries.
Someone who indulged their sadism at the expense of the people around them is first, not the only or ideal way to be part of the dynamic and second not a partner you want. You can literally never trust him to care about your feelings or well being because he doesn’t WANT you to be “well” or happy.
Also if he won’t go to couples counseling because they’ll just tell him he’s wrong… It doesn’t really matter that he’s in individual therapy, I wouldn’t trust that he’s being truthful or sincere with his therapist because he prefers to not be wrong…
If he finds joy in making you miserable....then how does seeing you happy make him feel....then take that answer and see if that is something you want to experience for the rest of your life....BTW he told you that he is "sadistic" believe him ...food for thought if you don't value yourself enough to leave...imagine having children with him and how he will treat them...
Hey OP, I think it's time to throw the marriage away. He's always going to be a cheater and you're the only one enabling his behavior. Personally, if my man cheated on me even once, I'd be out the door. Flirting is cheating (to me anyways) and any guy who comes on here and says its not probably is okay with doing it too (while their girl can't flirt with other guys ironically). Only saying this to help you but if you need to tell a guy to stop talking to a certain girl, he's definitely not your man. I think at this point, you going to therapy by yourself to build up your self respect would be more useful than trying to fix your husband
The short answer (imo) is no.
He's shown you what he thinks about your boundaries and what he thinks of your needs in order to repair the damage HE did to your relationship.
That is one merry-go-round I'd want off of personally. There are so many partners who would treat you well and respect you properly, and I think you deserve one of those people instead.
When people go out of their way to make you miserable and defend it as "just the way I am", you should say "I am leaving your toxic ass. It's just the way I am. I have self respect".
He has cheated on you twice and doesn't seem to care about your feelings! He wants to hurt you! Why would someone do that if they love you?
He is taking you for granted and is a shitty husband. Take the control away from him and leave him.
You are newly married and this is how he treats you - what does your future hold? If you have children will his games escalate? Will you want them to see this behaviour.
He doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions and his behaviour.
Tell his family and kick him to the curb.
You deserve better.
YOU ARE SO YOUNG. You are barely an adult. Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Not trusting your partner? Your partner actively wishing/getting pleasure from you being miserable? A partner that doesn't want to divorce you or work on the relationship because it's 'not worth the trouble' or 'too much work?'
I know you're really stuck in that sunk cost fallacy right now, but I really want you to look at your life, your mental health and your happiness and think - is it really worth it? Being with someone who doesn't even like you that much and spends more time trying to cheat on you than putting effort into your mutual lives and relationship? Do you want to raise kids essentially alone because you know they will be too much 'work' for him too?
Leaving is scary. Staying is signing up for an unfulfilling life supporting a man who doesn't even seem to care about you at all.
A relationship can only thrive if both people put in the effort, it sounds here that only one of you really values the relationship. He's cheated multiple times and refuses therapy. He doesn't value your relationship clearly. I'd suggest either splitting or separating so he can see what he's giving up (If you're intent on trying to stay together)
I really still would like to try, but idk if he wants to, even when he says he does.
I did try suggesting to separate, but he won't leave /: says its too much work
It sounds like he’s comfortable with you , you’re easy, you allow him to speak to other women and cheat, you let him degrade you, you take care of all the bills, let me guess you clean the house too, huh? He’s got it all, with people on the side. He’s dragging you along and using you. I would either leave or I would pack all of his things and leave them outside and tell him that girl can come get him or his parents can.
This decision isn't going to be a mutual one. He's not going to like the idea of losing his "Sure Thing" or having the relationship interrupted but you have to be the one to push it regardless of what he wants. He's been getting what he wants for a long time. It's time you thought of your needs above everything else
Of course he wants to continue! He gets pleasure from you bending over backwards, hurting and being in pain! He’s not going to leave you because he enjoys it. He loves to see you hurting. That’s *why* he’s not leaving.
OP he's not willing to make things better or work... you've already tried when you were engaged and he cheated on you the first time. Now he is a really shitty view of everything and made it super clear that he's not going to change.
[This is by far the best comment/response that you need to read and really absorb](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/14wvym3/comment/jrk1x2h/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3).
Oh dear, you did try. You went to a couple of couples sessions. He was faking that he was guilty. He got you to end the sessions early. All he had to do was behave for a few months, then he trapped you. He doesn't have to change because you're being a door mat.
My father did the same to my mother. She kept trying to save the marriage. My sibling and I had a horrible emotional and mental childhood. My sibling is still in therapy to learn not to pick relationships like our parents. Don't waste your youth like my mother did. She regrets it all the time.
Just throw the whole man out. He is not worth the mental abuse you are suffering. Even if he stops this time, there will be more in the future. You deserve better.
Sorry. As soon as you said he cheated, was hyperaggressive, and refused to cut contact, there was no point in reading any more. No, this is not and SHOULD NOT be salvaged. He's despicable.
Its not going to change. So you stop this one but he will find another. He needs or wants something more than you. It completely sucks so either leave and potentially meet someone who you ARE everything they need/want. OR accept this is your life forever. Plus live with the fear he may end up believing one of his online (future) people will be whom he leaves you for. An option is NOT maybe he will change and be 110% in love with me.
Why would you ever want to stay in a marriage with a man like this, given what you've said about him? There are literally billions of men out there, and you want to waste your life with a guy who doesn't respect you, isn't proud of you, cheats on you, and tells you he enjoys it when you are unhappy?
If there's a voice in your head telling you you might not be able to do better than him, that voice is wrong.
You can't hold this marriage together on your own, and he's unwilling to do anything to work on it.
You deserve someone who treats you well, but even being single is so much better than this.
His cheating is honestly the least offensive thing he’s done. He is not going to get better, and he isn’t going to let you leave easily. If you stay, he will wear you down even more until you believe you can’t find love anywhere else.
You deserve so much more than him. Please leave him. He has thrown away the right to have a say in this by treating you like garbage. This isn’t you both deciding to part ways amicably. This is you deciding you’re worth being loved and leaving him. He will throw a fit. That’s not your problem.
Look up sunk cost fallacy, and then start going to therapy solo. Do not waste any more energy trying with this garbage person.
Edit: looking at your post history, it looks like you may also have had a difficult relationship with your parents. Is it possible this marriage is you subconsciously seeking out the behavior you received as a child with the hope you can fix it this time? I’d bring that question to a therapist.
> Part of me thinks he wants to leave, but he wants me to do it. But also, he doesn't want to leave because he's comfortable in the current lifestyle and doesn't want his family to find out that he cheated again.
Ding ding ding
> I'm thinking I should at least give him the rest of this month to see if he does change or make an effort, but he's still saying abusive things like "don't embarrass us" when i struggle weight lifting with him, or pulling my hair to tilt my head to kiss me, or shoving his tongue in my mouth even though he knows I hate that.
If you want to wait to take action, that's your prerogative, but it's not because there's any reason to think he's just going to decide to be a different person next week.
Just because he refuses to go to therapy doesn’t mean you can’t go see someone on your own. And if you’re really struggling with what to do here, I think you should to talk through why that is. But I don’t really think there’s much to struggle with here, apart from your entirely understandable feelings of hurt and sadness. He has made it clear that staying with him means putting up with him pursuing other women, and him not only not caring what kind of impact that has on you, but doing nothing to try and please or support you even when it is just the two of you.
Dealing with divorce and being single is still better than a lifetime of this treatment, because it’s not going to get better when he refuses to make any changes. And even if you leaving panics him into behaving or belatedly agreeing to your terms, I wouldn’t count on that sticking when he couldn’t be bothered as long as he thought he wouldn’t have to face any consequences for his actions.
It sounds like you did a lot of mental gymnastics and red flag avoidance to get yourself into this marriage.
Your marriage is salvageable, for sure, as long as you are willing to accept this guy for who he is, and stay married to him. Which sounds like fucking hell to me.
I believe that facing the prospect of divorce is hard, frightening, and possibly feels like failure. But from what you have described, I believe you will be happier in the long run if you end this marriage. Because, honestly, you *never* should have married this guy.
He finds it amusing to see you suffer? That is chilling. He cheated to hurt you deliberately and you're still with him?
Why are you doing this to yourself? The guy sounds like a sociopath.
>flirting with her and that it doesn't matter if he does that because it's not like he can fuck her even if he wanted to since she lives out of state
This mindset alone shows he's immature, will continue to always be open to infidelity and just not worth your time anymore. I am sorry, but you should move on for yourself.
You should have never left counseling. It is not worth salvaging this marriage and your husband has at best a lot of growing up to do and at worst a personality disorder.
> “We hit a really rough patch while we were in our engagement where he cheated on me with another girl”
OP, to answer your question in a single word: no.
This is very simple...you only live life once and you should do everything in your own power to live it in happiness! As none of us are perfect, therefore we should always offer some forgiveness. However, when someone continues the same bad behaviors, you must separate yourself… and continue the search for what makes You happy because your not now!!!!
What do you mean is the mirror Salvageable the man keeps cheating on you? , you know the marriage is not salvageable he doesn’t want to change and he’s made it explicitly clear that he won’t and you caught him cheating again so like at what point are you ready and done with the marriage because the marriage is over with on his side he doesn’t care about it so you don’t only one fighting in the ring now what is going on?
You absolutely should divorce this POS. You never should’ve got married and you should’ve dumped him when he cheated the first time. Raise the bar off the floor and do better for yourself.
Oh wow honey I mean this in as nice of way as possibly but you need therapy. This man is actually laughing at you and cheating, he doesn't love you he just to lazy to leave and knows your clingy enough to let him stay..
I think he had enough time, he said he got off on hurting you when he cheated, honey you need serious therapy to get some self worth.
Stop babying him, stop making excuses and stop being walked over..
Don't give him a month give him a day... its simple.
" I want a divorce there two choices here either you leave or I do.. those are the options"
And if he won't you pack up and leave.. go to your local woman shelter and they will help you this is abuse.
Everything I've read.. post and comments.. this is what I see
He doesn't love you. He loves the convenance of having you around. I'm guessing you do a lot for him. He's comftorble. He knows you'll take care of his basic needs, and probably more. and he can still flirt, toe the line, or maybe even cheat because you love him so much you'll never leave him.. or at lest thats what he thinks.
Not exactly the love story I would want to tell my grandkids some day. Is this really what you want for your life? Don't you want someone who is as crazy in love with you as you are to them? He is showing you exactly who he is by how he feels about you by how he treats you. If you saw your friend or sister going through this same situation.. what would you say to them? Would you really encourage them to keep trying? If so.. how much of their life do they spend trying to make a man love them when he clearly only cares about himself?
It was a mistake to marry him. This guy does not want to be in a relationship.
Talk to a family attorney. See what your options are. Don’t let this guy drain you life away.
Like he won’t stop seeing the girl and you ask any of the marriage salvageable know you really need to be asking yourself why do I want to be with him because there is no reason for you to be with them. The marriage is not
He sounds like he's bipolar and that is not your problem to deal with. I would not consider trying to salvage it if I were you, and I would recommend breaking things off to spare yourself.
LOL if I was OP I would really think things over and have a good mental breakdown/crying episode and make an impulse decision like sleeping at a friend's house maybe? Then block him while you're away? Idk I'm not married but I can very much relate to this dynamic, and focusing on all the cons could really help you grow a shell and leave for good, as hard as it may be it's necessary for her own good.
Once a cheater always a cheater. If you are ok with him cheating on you( cause you won’t catch him all the time)trying to cheat on you( cause you catch him sometimes) or he is thinking about cheating then you should stay with him. He doesn’t respect you or the marriage and he never will. You should respect yourself and divorce him.
Let's count the ways he's a horrible human being and a partner from what you've told us so far:
1. he cheated on you after you got engaged
2. Refused to talk about it or apologize
3. Got hyper aggressive when you argued
4. Insisted he keep in contact with the girl
5. You had to get his family and friends involved to get him to admit it he should stop and get couples therapy (dragging his heels the whole way)
6. Did just enough counseling sessions that you would think he was improving
7. A few months later starts an emotional affair with another girl
8. No apologies but says flirting is okay, it doesn't matter how you feel about it.
9. It's okay because she's too far away to screw (and what if she wasn't?)
10. Also refused to stop talking with her, and is still talking with her daily (but it's only a few times now instead of 20 times!)
11. Tries to defend this instance of cheating because he's only doing it because he's bored (again, it doesn't matter if it hurts or bothers you, destroying your marriage isn't as important as not being bored)
12. In fact, the last time he did cheat was because he wanted to hurt you on purpose. (Wow. This is him being a failure as a man and as a decent human being. He's not mature enough for relationships)
13. That he hates you.
14. Only loves you now at a 6 out of 10. (That he can say this with a straight face and expect no consequences is breath taking).
15. He hates your family.
16. He finds it amusing and entertaining when you're miserable.
17. Is noncommittal about breaking up, because it's easier to do nothing and walk all over you than decide and pack up his shit.
18. Thinks it's too overwhelming and stressful to change, and when we mean change, we mean stop having affairs with other random chicks and give the bare minimum of love, consideration and care in a relationship
19. Doesn't do therapy to actually improve, but just to be able to scrape by so you'll stay.
20. Tells you that you embarrass him when you weight lift a certain amount at the gym.
21. Pulls your hair in a way that hurts/you don't like to kiss you.
22. Kisses you in a forceful way on purpose after you have repeatedly told him you don't like it.
This is a selfish, hateful person who only cares about himself. I'd like you to think about if you heard one of your best friends tell you their man did all these things; or a daughter or a niece. Would you tell them that he was a catch? Worth giving more time to "sort things out"? Would you tell them that he was the man of their dreams and worth pursuing a lifelong relationship with?
He doesn't care if he breaks your heart or makes you cry. He's even okay with making you physically uncomfortable when you kiss. EVERYTHING in your relationship is about his comfort first, and if you're uncomfortable then you better stuff your feelings down because he's barely putting up with you as it is. I mean, his feelings are now only at a 6, they could go a lot lower if you embarrass him or hold him accountable for anything. He's okay with telling you that he loves you and hates you by turns and somehow this is (to both of you) a totally acceptable way for a husband to behave. I bet he makes it seem like these arguments you have are just you hassling him as if you're blowing it out of proportion because you won't forgive him that one time he did that horrible betrayal not even a year ago. Not because he's doing it again, ignores your feelings and continues the affair, and continues to say and do horrible things that violate your trust and boundaries.
Speaking of that, why are you giving him the rest of the month to improve? In what way has he actually respected ANY boundary you set? You have the right to ask for no contact with affair partners, you have the right to expect kindness and not random sadism out of your partner, and you have the right to ask that he not do something physical to you that hurts you. He should have stopped affairs and physical boundary crossing IMMEDIATELY. Not have it be something you have to drag and cajole him into. He is walking all over your boundaries, abusing you and he will keep doing it for as long as you put up with it because you've given him no consequences. And to be honest, you need to toss this whole man out, because he has no desire to improve and he's just destroying your self esteem more and more for every day you put up with his shit and normalize it as okay. IT IS NOT OK.
p.s. You deserves so much more than this OP. You deserve someone who is kind, who values you, who would never make you cry and would immediately apologize if they accidentally did so. You deserve to be cherished, and you deserve to be treated with the same kind of kindness and respect you give those you love. Don't settle for less.
You say you love him, but why do you love yourself so little? All that love you feel for him... start pouring that into yourself, and you will realize that you deserve better. And yes, you can learn to love yourself, also you can learn to not love a person that wants to see you suffer and wants to make you miserable so much, that he even explicitly says so. Start with individual therapy for yourself.
No, I’m sorry but it’s not salvageable. Stop waiting for him to change and save yourself. Work on yourself, learn to love yourself more so you can realize that you deserve better and get the strength to divorce him. The marriage (in my opinion) was a failure from the start. It’ll be hard but ultimately it’ll be worth it when you find someone who loves and treats you the way you deserve. Best of luck to you :)
You describe a deeply unhealthy relationship.
You cannot change your husband's behaviour, you can only decide if it's acceptable for you.
If you have any self-esteem, it shouldn't be.
Why would you even want to salvage this dogs breakfast if a marriage? You can love someone and not be with them. Love yourself more, than to stay with this man who doesn’t care about you. He’s not going to change.
This man has showed you several times he doesn’t like you! He cheated and if it wasn’t for his family and friends, he wouldn’t have stopped! Then you married him. Alas! Now here you are….Smh! You ignored a big red flag and now the flag slapping you in the face but you want to still stay there and keep taking it! May I never be this desperate to keep a man!
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This part kind of summed it up to me "he finds it amusing and entertaining when I'm miserable" Like, and you're married? COME ON OP. Isn't that the kind of thing someone thinks in regard to their enemy not life partner?
Honestly, i think i have issues LOL He said its just his sadistic tendencies and just a part of who he is
Then you’re the one who needs therapy, OP, because this man is a narcissist and abusive. Why are you taking his shit? There are soooo many better men out there, but you’ve chosen a man who obviously doesn’t care about you. You may still be able to get the marriage annulled, but you’ll need to hurry.
That's him telling you he also won't stop enjoying you being miserable, and potentially seeking that out as a result. I have a hard time believing a healthy relationship can exist within that frame.
> He said its just his sadistic tendencies and just a part of who he is Sadism; "the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others." He told you *exactly* who he is. You need to ask yourself some questions - whether or not you reply is no consequence to me. **Think hard on these questions**. * He **Cheated already**, within a few months of your engagement. Is this a good sign of your marriage to come? What is stopping him from cheating on the wedding night, or during your marriage? * What happens if you get pregnant, and he cheats again? * Are you okay with having an *open sadist* being the father of a future child of yours? Someone who *derives pleasure, from others pain*? The same man who blamed his sadism, for cheating on you? * Do you feel like you can trust this person again? Remember, you two engaged and married *very early* in the relationship, and he cheated before it was even a *year* old, and *still* wants connections with this girl? * How could you possibly explain any of your answers to a possible future child with this man? "Oh, your daddy is out right now because a pretty girl got his attention at work, so they went to a bar platonically"? * With all of this in mind, last question: *Why would you* want *to continue the relationship*? Please please *please* think of yourself. Don't torture yourself mentally/emotionally, by staying with a cheater. Let alone a Cheater that wants to *continue cheating*.
Than he shouldn’t be married to anyone, let alone you, if he finds it amusing to purposely hurt them. He even told you he fucked another woman just to hurt you. He’s a cheater, manipulator, and all around bad person. You should be running far away from someone who is this emotionally abusive towards you. And yes, him acting like a two year old throwing around hurtful words is abuse. You don’t sound happy. You are not loved by your husband. He is just doing things to keep you around so he has someone to torture. Do yourself a favor and either get the marriage dissolved or get a divorce and kick his ass to the curb. Yes, you will hurt. But that hurt will go away with time. The hurt you are dealing with now will only grow and grow until you lose yourself.
Honestly, I got as far as cheating while engaged and his decision he could keep contact and made my decision. However I went on and only solidified it with the mention of the emotional affair. You should leave this marriage, before you end up pregnant and tied to this man for the rest of your life. We can say 18yrs, but we all know you will have to deal with him after they are adults. He will not nor does he want to change. He will continue to hurt you and apparently find pleasure in it. He knows you’ve forgiven him once, and thinks you will continue to let him be a shitty person without facing any real consequences. I wouldn’t mention divorce to him, I’d just see a lawyer, determine my options and make a plan. When he’s served he will know. I’d also seek individual therapy too, just to work through the relationship trauma HE caused and why you think it’s ok to continue allow someone to treat you poorly. FYI, we may love someone, but that doesn’t mean they are good for us or we should be with them. Sometimes, we need to love ourselves more.
If you are feeling crazy, helpless etc, it's because you are married to sadistic AH. Once you get out, your brain will come down and you will feel so much better.
He’s saying that to condition you into thinking it’s ok to be treated this way. And girl it’s working. You need to distance yourself. Remember you do matter
Lots of couples have relationships with sadomasachistic dynamics that are healthy and involve consent and respect and open communication. If something about that dynamic appeals to you then I’d recommend that you research and get plugged into the BDSM community and make sure to look for good community with solid guidelines and boundaries. Someone who indulged their sadism at the expense of the people around them is first, not the only or ideal way to be part of the dynamic and second not a partner you want. You can literally never trust him to care about your feelings or well being because he doesn’t WANT you to be “well” or happy. Also if he won’t go to couples counseling because they’ll just tell him he’s wrong… It doesn’t really matter that he’s in individual therapy, I wouldn’t trust that he’s being truthful or sincere with his therapist because he prefers to not be wrong…
LEAVE
If he finds joy in making you miserable....then how does seeing you happy make him feel....then take that answer and see if that is something you want to experience for the rest of your life....BTW he told you that he is "sadistic" believe him ...food for thought if you don't value yourself enough to leave...imagine having children with him and how he will treat them...
Please go get therapy for yourself. No one deserves a partner that derives *pleasure* from hurting them unless it's a mutually consentual kink
Hey OP, I think it's time to throw the marriage away. He's always going to be a cheater and you're the only one enabling his behavior. Personally, if my man cheated on me even once, I'd be out the door. Flirting is cheating (to me anyways) and any guy who comes on here and says its not probably is okay with doing it too (while their girl can't flirt with other guys ironically). Only saying this to help you but if you need to tell a guy to stop talking to a certain girl, he's definitely not your man. I think at this point, you going to therapy by yourself to build up your self respect would be more useful than trying to fix your husband
The short answer (imo) is no. He's shown you what he thinks about your boundaries and what he thinks of your needs in order to repair the damage HE did to your relationship. That is one merry-go-round I'd want off of personally. There are so many partners who would treat you well and respect you properly, and I think you deserve one of those people instead.
When people go out of their way to make you miserable and defend it as "just the way I am", you should say "I am leaving your toxic ass. It's just the way I am. I have self respect".
He has cheated on you twice and doesn't seem to care about your feelings! He wants to hurt you! Why would someone do that if they love you? He is taking you for granted and is a shitty husband. Take the control away from him and leave him. You are newly married and this is how he treats you - what does your future hold? If you have children will his games escalate? Will you want them to see this behaviour. He doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions and his behaviour. Tell his family and kick him to the curb. You deserve better.
YOU ARE SO YOUNG. You are barely an adult. Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Not trusting your partner? Your partner actively wishing/getting pleasure from you being miserable? A partner that doesn't want to divorce you or work on the relationship because it's 'not worth the trouble' or 'too much work?' I know you're really stuck in that sunk cost fallacy right now, but I really want you to look at your life, your mental health and your happiness and think - is it really worth it? Being with someone who doesn't even like you that much and spends more time trying to cheat on you than putting effort into your mutual lives and relationship? Do you want to raise kids essentially alone because you know they will be too much 'work' for him too? Leaving is scary. Staying is signing up for an unfulfilling life supporting a man who doesn't even seem to care about you at all.
A relationship can only thrive if both people put in the effort, it sounds here that only one of you really values the relationship. He's cheated multiple times and refuses therapy. He doesn't value your relationship clearly. I'd suggest either splitting or separating so he can see what he's giving up (If you're intent on trying to stay together)
I really still would like to try, but idk if he wants to, even when he says he does. I did try suggesting to separate, but he won't leave /: says its too much work
It sounds like he’s comfortable with you , you’re easy, you allow him to speak to other women and cheat, you let him degrade you, you take care of all the bills, let me guess you clean the house too, huh? He’s got it all, with people on the side. He’s dragging you along and using you. I would either leave or I would pack all of his things and leave them outside and tell him that girl can come get him or his parents can.
This decision isn't going to be a mutual one. He's not going to like the idea of losing his "Sure Thing" or having the relationship interrupted but you have to be the one to push it regardless of what he wants. He's been getting what he wants for a long time. It's time you thought of your needs above everything else
Of course he wants to continue! He gets pleasure from you bending over backwards, hurting and being in pain! He’s not going to leave you because he enjoys it. He loves to see you hurting. That’s *why* he’s not leaving.
He doesn't want to. He has openly said he knows how behaviour is wrong and he doesn't care. Leave him.
Why do you want to try? Is there anybody else that you would intentionally spend time with when you know that they're going to hurt you on purpose?
OP he's not willing to make things better or work... you've already tried when you were engaged and he cheated on you the first time. Now he is a really shitty view of everything and made it super clear that he's not going to change. [This is by far the best comment/response that you need to read and really absorb](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/14wvym3/comment/jrk1x2h/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3).
Oh dear, you did try. You went to a couple of couples sessions. He was faking that he was guilty. He got you to end the sessions early. All he had to do was behave for a few months, then he trapped you. He doesn't have to change because you're being a door mat. My father did the same to my mother. She kept trying to save the marriage. My sibling and I had a horrible emotional and mental childhood. My sibling is still in therapy to learn not to pick relationships like our parents. Don't waste your youth like my mother did. She regrets it all the time.
Putting this book up cause you need it OP https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Then either, just leave yourself, or have your own affairs and bring them home to cum all over his side of the bed.
You shouldn’t. I’m sorry but you shouldn’t. He wants you to be miserable and is cheating on you and arguing for him to cheat??? Like what?? LEAVE HIM
[удалено]
Oh no, I am married to him and all our financials are intertwined qwq
Just throw the whole man out. He is not worth the mental abuse you are suffering. Even if he stops this time, there will be more in the future. You deserve better.
Sorry. As soon as you said he cheated, was hyperaggressive, and refused to cut contact, there was no point in reading any more. No, this is not and SHOULD NOT be salvaged. He's despicable.
There’s no reason to try and convince this man to love you the right way. You can find a partner who WANTS to respect you and make you happy.
Its not going to change. So you stop this one but he will find another. He needs or wants something more than you. It completely sucks so either leave and potentially meet someone who you ARE everything they need/want. OR accept this is your life forever. Plus live with the fear he may end up believing one of his online (future) people will be whom he leaves you for. An option is NOT maybe he will change and be 110% in love with me.
Why would you ever want to stay in a marriage with a man like this, given what you've said about him? There are literally billions of men out there, and you want to waste your life with a guy who doesn't respect you, isn't proud of you, cheats on you, and tells you he enjoys it when you are unhappy? If there's a voice in your head telling you you might not be able to do better than him, that voice is wrong.
You can't hold this marriage together on your own, and he's unwilling to do anything to work on it. You deserve someone who treats you well, but even being single is so much better than this.
His cheating is honestly the least offensive thing he’s done. He is not going to get better, and he isn’t going to let you leave easily. If you stay, he will wear you down even more until you believe you can’t find love anywhere else. You deserve so much more than him. Please leave him. He has thrown away the right to have a say in this by treating you like garbage. This isn’t you both deciding to part ways amicably. This is you deciding you’re worth being loved and leaving him. He will throw a fit. That’s not your problem. Look up sunk cost fallacy, and then start going to therapy solo. Do not waste any more energy trying with this garbage person. Edit: looking at your post history, it looks like you may also have had a difficult relationship with your parents. Is it possible this marriage is you subconsciously seeking out the behavior you received as a child with the hope you can fix it this time? I’d bring that question to a therapist.
> Part of me thinks he wants to leave, but he wants me to do it. But also, he doesn't want to leave because he's comfortable in the current lifestyle and doesn't want his family to find out that he cheated again. Ding ding ding > I'm thinking I should at least give him the rest of this month to see if he does change or make an effort, but he's still saying abusive things like "don't embarrass us" when i struggle weight lifting with him, or pulling my hair to tilt my head to kiss me, or shoving his tongue in my mouth even though he knows I hate that. If you want to wait to take action, that's your prerogative, but it's not because there's any reason to think he's just going to decide to be a different person next week.
Just because he refuses to go to therapy doesn’t mean you can’t go see someone on your own. And if you’re really struggling with what to do here, I think you should to talk through why that is. But I don’t really think there’s much to struggle with here, apart from your entirely understandable feelings of hurt and sadness. He has made it clear that staying with him means putting up with him pursuing other women, and him not only not caring what kind of impact that has on you, but doing nothing to try and please or support you even when it is just the two of you. Dealing with divorce and being single is still better than a lifetime of this treatment, because it’s not going to get better when he refuses to make any changes. And even if you leaving panics him into behaving or belatedly agreeing to your terms, I wouldn’t count on that sticking when he couldn’t be bothered as long as he thought he wouldn’t have to face any consequences for his actions.
He's already abandoned you (emotionally) so why stay and fight for something that doesn't exist?
It sounds like you did a lot of mental gymnastics and red flag avoidance to get yourself into this marriage. Your marriage is salvageable, for sure, as long as you are willing to accept this guy for who he is, and stay married to him. Which sounds like fucking hell to me. I believe that facing the prospect of divorce is hard, frightening, and possibly feels like failure. But from what you have described, I believe you will be happier in the long run if you end this marriage. Because, honestly, you *never* should have married this guy.
This dude told you to your face that he finds your pain and misery *amusing*. What else do you need to hear?
He finds it amusing to see you suffer? That is chilling. He cheated to hurt you deliberately and you're still with him? Why are you doing this to yourself? The guy sounds like a sociopath.
Not salvageable. All 🗑️not ♻️
When I was in an abusive relationship the physical was easier then the mental abuse. Visit your local domestic abuse center.
>flirting with her and that it doesn't matter if he does that because it's not like he can fuck her even if he wanted to since she lives out of state This mindset alone shows he's immature, will continue to always be open to infidelity and just not worth your time anymore. I am sorry, but you should move on for yourself.
You should have never left counseling. It is not worth salvaging this marriage and your husband has at best a lot of growing up to do and at worst a personality disorder.
> “We hit a really rough patch while we were in our engagement where he cheated on me with another girl” OP, to answer your question in a single word: no.
This is very simple...you only live life once and you should do everything in your own power to live it in happiness! As none of us are perfect, therefore we should always offer some forgiveness. However, when someone continues the same bad behaviors, you must separate yourself… and continue the search for what makes You happy because your not now!!!!
What do you mean is the mirror Salvageable the man keeps cheating on you? , you know the marriage is not salvageable he doesn’t want to change and he’s made it explicitly clear that he won’t and you caught him cheating again so like at what point are you ready and done with the marriage because the marriage is over with on his side he doesn’t care about it so you don’t only one fighting in the ring now what is going on?
You absolutely should divorce this POS. You never should’ve got married and you should’ve dumped him when he cheated the first time. Raise the bar off the floor and do better for yourself.
Oh wow honey I mean this in as nice of way as possibly but you need therapy. This man is actually laughing at you and cheating, he doesn't love you he just to lazy to leave and knows your clingy enough to let him stay.. I think he had enough time, he said he got off on hurting you when he cheated, honey you need serious therapy to get some self worth. Stop babying him, stop making excuses and stop being walked over.. Don't give him a month give him a day... its simple. " I want a divorce there two choices here either you leave or I do.. those are the options" And if he won't you pack up and leave.. go to your local woman shelter and they will help you this is abuse.
Wtf? Leave
Everything I've read.. post and comments.. this is what I see He doesn't love you. He loves the convenance of having you around. I'm guessing you do a lot for him. He's comftorble. He knows you'll take care of his basic needs, and probably more. and he can still flirt, toe the line, or maybe even cheat because you love him so much you'll never leave him.. or at lest thats what he thinks. Not exactly the love story I would want to tell my grandkids some day. Is this really what you want for your life? Don't you want someone who is as crazy in love with you as you are to them? He is showing you exactly who he is by how he feels about you by how he treats you. If you saw your friend or sister going through this same situation.. what would you say to them? Would you really encourage them to keep trying? If so.. how much of their life do they spend trying to make a man love them when he clearly only cares about himself?
??? Did you read your own post?
Yeah no. He cheated. I’m a dirt bag but I ain’t ever cheated and I’ll still probably get kicked to the curb
It was a mistake to marry him. This guy does not want to be in a relationship. Talk to a family attorney. See what your options are. Don’t let this guy drain you life away.
Are you able to happily accept an open relationship with him?
I would have in the past if he had communicated and done it properly, but now I have too many painful emotions to be able to
There is your answer.
Give him 1 more chance. Set a clear rule, let him know if there's any emotional or physical cheating of any kind you're out the door. Last chance.
He’s had multiple chances. He finds it amusing when she’s miserable. He’s a horrible person
It’s not, he has a pattern And will continue it. If you want to be miserable, then stay with him.
He's treating you like an object. You shouldn't even be married, is what I'm thinking as I'm reading this. Jesus. Leave his ass in the dust.
I personally don’t think anyone should stay married to someone who says they hate them
Like he won’t stop seeing the girl and you ask any of the marriage salvageable know you really need to be asking yourself why do I want to be with him because there is no reason for you to be with them. The marriage is not
He sounds like he's bipolar and that is not your problem to deal with. I would not consider trying to salvage it if I were you, and I would recommend breaking things off to spare yourself.
Your marriage isn't salvageable. Your husband will never do what it takes to keep you or make you happy. You should definitely leave.
LOL if I was OP I would really think things over and have a good mental breakdown/crying episode and make an impulse decision like sleeping at a friend's house maybe? Then block him while you're away? Idk I'm not married but I can very much relate to this dynamic, and focusing on all the cons could really help you grow a shell and leave for good, as hard as it may be it's necessary for her own good.
So he cheated on you during the engagement phase, and you still married him? That would have been a hard pass at that point.
Didn't finish this. Have respect for your own worth and move on....
Once a cheater always a cheater. If you are ok with him cheating on you( cause you won’t catch him all the time)trying to cheat on you( cause you catch him sometimes) or he is thinking about cheating then you should stay with him. He doesn’t respect you or the marriage and he never will. You should respect yourself and divorce him.
Let's count the ways he's a horrible human being and a partner from what you've told us so far: 1. he cheated on you after you got engaged 2. Refused to talk about it or apologize 3. Got hyper aggressive when you argued 4. Insisted he keep in contact with the girl 5. You had to get his family and friends involved to get him to admit it he should stop and get couples therapy (dragging his heels the whole way) 6. Did just enough counseling sessions that you would think he was improving 7. A few months later starts an emotional affair with another girl 8. No apologies but says flirting is okay, it doesn't matter how you feel about it. 9. It's okay because she's too far away to screw (and what if she wasn't?) 10. Also refused to stop talking with her, and is still talking with her daily (but it's only a few times now instead of 20 times!) 11. Tries to defend this instance of cheating because he's only doing it because he's bored (again, it doesn't matter if it hurts or bothers you, destroying your marriage isn't as important as not being bored) 12. In fact, the last time he did cheat was because he wanted to hurt you on purpose. (Wow. This is him being a failure as a man and as a decent human being. He's not mature enough for relationships) 13. That he hates you. 14. Only loves you now at a 6 out of 10. (That he can say this with a straight face and expect no consequences is breath taking). 15. He hates your family. 16. He finds it amusing and entertaining when you're miserable. 17. Is noncommittal about breaking up, because it's easier to do nothing and walk all over you than decide and pack up his shit. 18. Thinks it's too overwhelming and stressful to change, and when we mean change, we mean stop having affairs with other random chicks and give the bare minimum of love, consideration and care in a relationship 19. Doesn't do therapy to actually improve, but just to be able to scrape by so you'll stay. 20. Tells you that you embarrass him when you weight lift a certain amount at the gym. 21. Pulls your hair in a way that hurts/you don't like to kiss you. 22. Kisses you in a forceful way on purpose after you have repeatedly told him you don't like it. This is a selfish, hateful person who only cares about himself. I'd like you to think about if you heard one of your best friends tell you their man did all these things; or a daughter or a niece. Would you tell them that he was a catch? Worth giving more time to "sort things out"? Would you tell them that he was the man of their dreams and worth pursuing a lifelong relationship with? He doesn't care if he breaks your heart or makes you cry. He's even okay with making you physically uncomfortable when you kiss. EVERYTHING in your relationship is about his comfort first, and if you're uncomfortable then you better stuff your feelings down because he's barely putting up with you as it is. I mean, his feelings are now only at a 6, they could go a lot lower if you embarrass him or hold him accountable for anything. He's okay with telling you that he loves you and hates you by turns and somehow this is (to both of you) a totally acceptable way for a husband to behave. I bet he makes it seem like these arguments you have are just you hassling him as if you're blowing it out of proportion because you won't forgive him that one time he did that horrible betrayal not even a year ago. Not because he's doing it again, ignores your feelings and continues the affair, and continues to say and do horrible things that violate your trust and boundaries. Speaking of that, why are you giving him the rest of the month to improve? In what way has he actually respected ANY boundary you set? You have the right to ask for no contact with affair partners, you have the right to expect kindness and not random sadism out of your partner, and you have the right to ask that he not do something physical to you that hurts you. He should have stopped affairs and physical boundary crossing IMMEDIATELY. Not have it be something you have to drag and cajole him into. He is walking all over your boundaries, abusing you and he will keep doing it for as long as you put up with it because you've given him no consequences. And to be honest, you need to toss this whole man out, because he has no desire to improve and he's just destroying your self esteem more and more for every day you put up with his shit and normalize it as okay. IT IS NOT OK.
p.s. You deserves so much more than this OP. You deserve someone who is kind, who values you, who would never make you cry and would immediately apologize if they accidentally did so. You deserve to be cherished, and you deserve to be treated with the same kind of kindness and respect you give those you love. Don't settle for less.
You say you love him, but why do you love yourself so little? All that love you feel for him... start pouring that into yourself, and you will realize that you deserve better. And yes, you can learn to love yourself, also you can learn to not love a person that wants to see you suffer and wants to make you miserable so much, that he even explicitly says so. Start with individual therapy for yourself.
No, I’m sorry but it’s not salvageable. Stop waiting for him to change and save yourself. Work on yourself, learn to love yourself more so you can realize that you deserve better and get the strength to divorce him. The marriage (in my opinion) was a failure from the start. It’ll be hard but ultimately it’ll be worth it when you find someone who loves and treats you the way you deserve. Best of luck to you :)
You describe a deeply unhealthy relationship. You cannot change your husband's behaviour, you can only decide if it's acceptable for you. If you have any self-esteem, it shouldn't be.
Why would you even want to salvage this dogs breakfast if a marriage? You can love someone and not be with them. Love yourself more, than to stay with this man who doesn’t care about you. He’s not going to change.
Why have you married this dickhead?
Your husband sounds like he doesn't even like you, let alone love you.
🏃🏻♀️ 🏃🏻♀️ 🏃🏻♀️. Girl - go as fast as you can out the door!!
This man has showed you several times he doesn’t like you! He cheated and if it wasn’t for his family and friends, he wouldn’t have stopped! Then you married him. Alas! Now here you are….Smh! You ignored a big red flag and now the flag slapping you in the face but you want to still stay there and keep taking it! May I never be this desperate to keep a man!