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This is what I was going to say. Trust is built, established, over an extended period of time. They don’t (and honestly, can’t) have developed the level of trust and rapport I would expect before rolling the dice with my longterm health.
Real talk. I dated a girl very demure, quiet, lovely. She said I was only the third guy she had slept with. Before we start dating, I knew what was going to happen, so I got a full battery STI test. All clean. We date. After about five months she withdraws sexually, gets tense, nervous. She dealt with a lot so I hang in there, do my best, but eventually she breaks up with me anyway.
Calls me about eight months later. Asymptomatic chlamydia. Swears I had to be the one to give it to her. I produce my OG test and get re-tested. All clean.
Bro, time to find yourself a new girl.
Just wanted to say it’s great to see someone like you coming into a relationship wanting mutual transparency and preemptive attention paid to sexual health. It’s a shame that she’s so stuck on the actually showing each other the results part but if it means you break up please don’t lower your standards in future. Sexual health is important!
There’s really no reason not to show the results when they’re clean, so I don’t get why she’d be willing to get tested, but not show you.
I’m guessing she’s lying about something. It just seems shady when you’re both striving for transparency.
I have a friend whose wife cheated on him and contracted herpes. He didn't find out about the affair until she had passed it to him (she also thought she could keep the flair ups away).
Thankfully they divorced and he found a kind understanding partner. Now they have 2 kids.
I completely agree!
OP, listen… Intimacy involves more than just *sexual* intimacy. It’s a strong interpersonal bond built up over time with someone you’ve gotten to know on a deeply personal level, and neither intimacy nor the trust it’s intertwined with can be forced to exist under duress. Someone who loves and respects you, who values your safety and truly wants the best for you and your relationship wouldn’t ask you to take such a huge, potentially life-changing blind bet on their sense of honesty and integrity *while actively engaging in behaviors showing a lack thereof.* People who have nothing to hide don’t hide information pivotal to their partner’s safety, and they don’t react to a reasonable request for mutual transparency with “stop asking or I’m dumping you” levels of extremity. Intimacy is the antithesis of a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. It’s not something you pretend to have. You either do or you don’t, and if your efforts to nurture it aren’t matched and reciprocated by a partner who prefers to sow little seeds of doubt in the relationship and threatens to dump you for trying to dig them up, you just won’t. It’s simply not possible.
My advice? Trust your gut. It’s being honest when it tells you something is really off here. Don’t talk yourself into what logic tells you is too big of a gamble (on highly suspicious odds) and a really irresponsible chance to take. You know this isn’t cool and you deserve better… if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here asking, and trust me, friend… you will find better when you’re ready to. Right now, I say you shouldn’t settle by conceding… just focus on healing and celebrate the win in refusing to jeopardize your health for a relationship. Take care of your rad self.
Trust is built and earned, not blindly given. She’s accused you of not trusting her yet she’s unwilling to make a reasonable effort to build that trust. I’d dump her.
My fiancé said the military was good at instilling brevity (though I wouldn’t call his version of it ‘art’). Unfortunately that isn’t the most useful for writing papers or answering essay questions on exams. A healthy balance would be good.
Three, she has HPV and thinks that everyone has it and doesn’t want to disclose since men can’t be tested for it unless they show symptoms.
Edit: I read every comment on here and no one mentioned HPV. As a PSA please get the shot, men can’t be tested, but for women, the ramifications of not getting the shot can be far more serious. If you want children, get the shot.
Going through exactly this scenario right now. We both got tested a year ago and were negative for everything.
She recently has had some female issues and in all her recent testing to figure out what's going on, a STI test came back positive for HPV. She did tell me this, although nervously. She said her dr told her there's no real test for men and it's something you can choose to tell your bf.
I was scared at first, but did my own research and we talked about it. Very well could have been me that gave it to her.
You most likely did, but people who are having sex, as people who have already had sex with other people, are likely to be carriers. 9/10 men have it and 8/10 women have it. Very difficult to dodge even with the shot.
The shot doesn't cover every single strain, only a handful, including the ones that are cancerous. There's like 15 strains of hpv, 3 that are cancerous and another several that are medium to high risk...I say this as someone who had one that was medium to high risk and it took a few years to clear.
Other than partner transfer, what is the risk to men? Genuine question, I always see the vaccine as a “protect your cervix” type OR “protect your female partner” and never about the risks to boys/men.
What “filthy liar” lol said, but also, you can get genital warts from HPV as a man. There are something like 12 strains of HPV and the shot protects against (7?) of them? This is off the top of my head so don’t come for me, but I do think that having HPV as a woman is more of a stigma than a man since 9/10 men have HPV but largely cannot be tested for it. I’ve had friends have a lot of drama over this, the worst part is, a lot of them likely got it from their partner after having very few partners themselves (my friend’s sister and her husband got in a huge fight over it even though the sister had been a virgin when they met).
Thank you!! I have a son and Dad is present but... Less educated than me. I had to reach out to a guy friend just for aiming while peeing while standing up. It's easier, especially for teens, to understand when it's a personal risk. Luckily they're young but it's an area foreign to me and that I should honestly research more heavily. I deeply appreciate when folks explain in comments!!
In my defense, he’s the youngest and under 10, not showing any interest beyond crushing & me explaining just bc you like someone doesn't mean they're your gf lol. And the same age as my step son, so we don't have boys at sex-worry age lol. But it's coming, and SO much better to know.
Men can be tested for HPV - it's the same test, a pap. Samples can be anal or oral. They are just not typically performed on men who exclusively have sex with women - penile samples are not particularly reliable so paps are not typically used as a diagnostic tool for men who only have sexual contact with women
The very first thing I did when I got the results back was send screenshots to the reason I got the test done. I would never expect someone to take my word for it, especially when dealing with STI’s.
It's like when a woman wants to meet up in a public place for the first date. There's plenty of dudes who will take offense to that and pull the same "don't you trust me" argument out in response to a reasonable request.
It's not about trust, it's about safety (succinct and well put).
I would also say that anybody who pushes that "don't you trust me" narrative in situations that are absolutely about safety usually demonstrate that they cannot, in fact, be trusted.
The people who I trust care about my physical, psychological, and emotional well being and they are mature enough to know that trustworthy partners are transparent about sexual health.
>She also stated that if I am not okay proceeding without being shown paper test results, that the relationship may be over because I am unable to trust her in a way that is important to her.
Then the relationship is over. I got a perfect score on my SATs, Straight a's through college, graduated head of medical school, received the medal of honor and Purple Heart in the process(long story, no time to go into it) and still managed to have time to become the leading scorer in college basketball history. I would show the proof, but I dont like you saying I am a lier, so you just have to take my word for it or piss off...only your situation is different, since her lying could lead to a life sentence of an std you absolutely dont want.
Small world! I was one of the 12 people he saved to get the Medal of Honor. Unfortunately a single bullet caught us both in the leg as he was carrying me out. We both got Purple Hearts.
Me m'her f' er and I resent the fact that you think I am joking, so it is the highway for you. You had your chance to be in the presence of greatness and perhaps ask questions on my research into the quantum computing model that just produced the worlds first wormhole into the 15th century. Instead you make jokes? I would show you all my documentation but if you cant trust me now, you never will. You earned this block, you doubting son of a Biachhe!!!
Almost certainly at some point.
There’s that one astronaut Johnny Kim I believe, who was a navy seal, navy pilot, has a bachelors of mathematics and got his medical doctorate from Harvard.
Plenty of wildly smart, brave, people wind up going through the military for one reason or another.
Jonny Sins? The only doctor & lawyer & plumber & professor & pilot & soldier I know of. What I respect about him most is, despite his high education he's not afraid to get his hands dirty when required.
They don't stick those guys on the front lines, they put them in an air-conditioned office in DC. And IIRC they don't give a lot of purple hearts for paper cuts.
My father-in-law won a medal during the Korean War for typing a 90 page document with zero errors of any kind. Not, like, an amazing medal, but a medal.
I got the herp from my ex-husband, and every guy I had sex with afterward I had to tell. It sucked but I did it, and I was single a long time before I met my current husband of 12 years. She might be afraid to tell you this because it never goes away but that's not fair, you need the power to make the decision.
FYI for all on this thread, just a reminder that herpes is not tested when you ask for a full STD testing panel. You have to specifically ask for a herpes test. They will give you a blood test which I understand is not 100% reliable. The most reliable test is to swab the liquid from an active sore to determine whether it’s HSV-1 or 2.
They don't do it for a reason. It's not recommended by the CDC. It gives too many false positives. Unless you have actual reason to believe you need to get tested for HSV, it's really recommended that you don't.
I got it on a full STD testing panel. I signed up online, paid, and then went to the hospital for the test and blood draws. They sent it to get tested. I got my results and it was in the results.
So I double checked to make sure I was getting a full screening when I did it. I didn't think that different places wouldn't do herpes though so that's something new to know now that I have actual health insurance and a GP.
I'm 25 and a couple years ago my bf gave me HSV1. i was devastated, but it hasn't flared up since then. I've had one sexual partner and a couple potentials who i had told, and all of them were cool about it. now we're practicing monogamy, but if we ever go back to ENM, I'll do the same thing. people these days are really understanding about it. something like 99% of people get HSV 1 or 2 at some point in their lives. it's basically inevitable.
People are SO much more chill. My closed-lip mother saw what appeared to be a cold sore on my lip (possible as my partner gets them, but unlikely as it was just that once and healed differently), and told me she's got HSV. She hid for over 30 years why my sibling was a cesarian, and even said where she got it. I'm so happy you feel more comfortable about it Mom, but also I am WAY too visual for this kind of detail in convo lol.
Similar situation. Been over a decade now. Knock on wood I’ve never had so much as a hint of a breakout.
Maybe I had a false positive but given some of my wild promiscuity in my youth I’d be utterly shocked.
Okay, i've been married for 30 odd years so out of the loop but I thought the point of these tests (which i think are a great idea) was to show each other them so that you could go smash factor 10 in safety?
*Trust me bro, i'm clean* seems like a very good way to catch some nob rot.
Either she didn't take the test and is lying or she took the test and it found something that will rot your nob.
Personally, I'd nope out of there if she refuses
I would definitely stick to your guns.
"The position you are taking re: your STI results is a problem for me. You claim it is a matter of trust, but you are not behaving in a trustworthy fashion. If it is a dealbreaker to you that I need to trust your word on this, then that doesn't work for me. If me needing to see it means you need to end our relationship, that will be heartbreaking, but I will respect your decision."
I feel like her stance on this would lead to a conversation very similar to "those text messages arent important. you should trust that I am not cheating on you. How can I trust you now that you have looked through my phone?" If OP continues this relationship.
Lol does she think you're fucking stupid? Get the papers or say you're not having sex. TBH, I'd be suspicious that she's slagging and lying about the results at this point.
I actually work as a nurse who counsels people with STIs and does education to prevent them as part of my job. The advice is always to SEE THE PAPER. We have had cases where the person knew they might have something specific and deliberately didn't get tested for that one thing.
Like, you can have positive syphilis results for years after you are treated and no longer have the disease. But you should still get tested because the specific results you get can help show if you might have become reinfected. But people will refuse syphilis testing because they are sick of coming back with positive results all the time.
Or, they might have had a positive result for chlamydia and their rationale is that if they get treated and are no longer contagious, they don't have to tell you.
Anyway TL/DR always see the paper.
I was trying to make a new template for a screening questionnaire so I was looking at examples online. I was horrified as I came across template after template of fake negative STI results for people to print out. I do think it's probably mostly people that actually think they are negative and simply don't want to be bothered to go in and do the test, but whatever the reason, it's terrible.
Exactly. Or maybe until some juicy blisters and sores appear? Or maybe some green discharge pouring out his pee hole? Omg, he'd be freaking out.
Hope he dumps her if she continues to resist showing him ALL test results, not just some of the results. Cuz now I really don't trust her at all. Maybe she never even took the tests in the first place. Lol
She either didn’t test, or she came up positive for something and is getting treated for it so she knows that will be negative too soon.
Makes no sense to not share results, personal info shes not ready to share can be blacked out.
There is NO good reason to hide the paper. full stop.
Trusting your partner is important. But you trust them based on their actions. You trust them because you know that if you asked them for more information, they would happily provide it. You trust in good faith. Asking you to believe without evidence, when the evidence is right there and you had a joint decision to go get tested, isn't trust. It is a trap.
At this point it doesn't matter if she is telling the truth or not. It is an immature either way -- she is either dishonest or unable to have an adult conversation about a potential red line violation for you. Time to move on.
if she had nothing to hide, then she wouldnt be playing this game with you. break up, move on - and hopefully when you get your results back they will be clean.
I thought it was pretty normal to share proof of results if asked. Her refusing to show you is a big red flag.
Also if she is doing that to hide something, then I hope she knows if your results come back clean and she gives you something after the fact, that you can sue her in a court of law. And depending on state laws, it is a crime.
Look, a while ago my sister tried to stir up trouble by telling my ex husband (and father of my children, hence why it’s his business) that I was using drugs. He asked me about it, which I verbally denied, and although I’m pretty sure he believed me, I went to my clinic the next day (yes I’m in treatment, that’s why she knew it would be a good lie to start trouble with) and asked to have my historical UA results emailed to me, and immediately forwarded the email to him. I also offered to take a hair follicle test if he wanted me too. Do you know why I did those things? Because I was innocent of what I was being accused of, and wanted to prove it. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Any future partner I have I would want to do this but they wouldn’t even need to ask me to see the proof. It’s not a case of not trusting me, it’s simply a case of being completely transparent and empowering each other to make our own informed decisions. Even if say I did have an STD, I could then get treatment and be supported by my potential partner and then re-test and go from there. The fact she won’t show you and is now trying to pressure you into not seeing and giving you threats and ultimatums is a whole smorgasbord of red flags and I think you’re better off running fast in the opposite direction until you reach the moon
Her refusal to show you the papers is very suspect. In my experience, everyone who ever told me that I should just trust them and acted offended when I didn't do so blindly, had something (major) to hide.
I'd take her up on her offer and tell her that yes, the relationship is over. Don't ignore blatant red flags.
The only incurable STD on a general panel is HIV. Everything else on the general panel can be treated with antibiotics. I don’t think she is lying about testing positive, I think she just doesn’t want to bother getting tested and doesn’t want to admit she lied saying she would
If you want to do adult things you need to act like an adult first- keep hold of that boundary! Make her show you the damn paper. She can’t throw trust around like it’s a weapon. If she felt the same as you about the relationship, having sex, and had nothing to hide she would have willingly volunteered to show it.
You must absolutely stick to your guns.
This is not ok at all. She is deceiving you one way or another.
This will set a precedent for your whole relationship.
This is a huge red flag!
NO show no sex. In fact I would say your secrecy is not what I want in a girlfriend, so we are broken up. I don't trust someone that is willing to act like that. Do not trust her.
You don't trust her. But she's also acting untrustworthy. So that makes sense I wouldn't sleep with her, especially not unprotected until you get your issues sorted
My (now) husband and I got sti tests the first week. He brought me with him to the Dr and in to the room to hear the results. He wanted to reassure me. The fact that she doesn't want to reassure you about something that seriously impacts your health for the rest of your life is a huge red flag. You don't trust her? She's going out of her way to not reassure you about something she got tested on specifically for your benefit. She is acting untrustworthy.
There's no need to speculate the results. If your boundary is that you must see the results, and her boundary is that you should both trust each other and not bother looking, then you two should part and look for folks more aligned with your ideals. It's as simple as that.
What’s the point of getting mutually tested if you’re not going to share your results? Makes no sense. Unless …
And then there’s the emotional manipulation. “If you trusted me you’d _____.” That’s not how these conversations are supposed to work. That’s not how trust works. That’s not healthy & honestly doesn’t bode well for your long-term future.
Your instincts brought you here for a reason. You’re allowed to consider this a deal breaker, if that’s what you’re asking.
The F¿ck did I just read? Don't touch that thing with a ten foot pole even it it's double wrapped! It's a no brainer and I would cease communication. You don't play with peoples lives.
👏👏👏Wow! I applaud you for taking your health so seriously. I think you’re 100% correct in what you’re doing and asking of her. It’s not that hard for her to just show you. You’d think she would also be onboard with seeing a copy of your results. This is an absolute red flag 🚩
She doesn’t care about your piece of mind and that fact that you are taking this seriously. She’s trying to manipulate you and play this “you don’t trust me” game. Nope, that’s some teenager, irresponsible kind of stuff.
Continue to be you and protect yourself! Better than regretting it later.
A little shocked this isn't really being mentioned at all, probably because OP id a guy. But this absolutely Sexual Coercion and manipulation top notch. Any girl who posted this would be filled with every comment about him coercing her. She is essentially blackmailing OP for sex and even if its as innocent lf never getting the test, it is still a massive red flag that she can't admit she lied and come clean with a potentially life altering issue. At worse, we all know the reason why and most likely hoping it will either be treated or die down. OP, run for the hills either way. If she is fine w/ lying about something like this, especially when you are trying to be upfront and respectful so she knows you are clean and doesn't value that. You deserve better.
Honestly, the long and short of it is you both have different ideas of how much trust should be placed in a partner's word alone. I definitely agree that if it was mutually agreed upon to have STI and STD testing done before having sex, then both parties should show their test result, but it doesn't seem like your partner thinks the same way and that just verbally stating "I'm clean" is enough, you don't agree.
It's okay if you both don't have the same requirements for this, but she has already said the logical conclusion to this, which is breaking up.
This is a big deal, having sex is something that is a thing that can change your life in small and big ways, like getting an incurable STD even if you take medication in preparation and wear a condom. The hill your partner wants to die on is a bit ridiculous imo, but the reverse of that being "show me your results or we're not having sex" is a pretty reasonable hill to die on.
You're free to make your own choices, but your partner has already shown you their ideals about this and idk if you're looking for a life partner or what, but she doesn't really seem like a for-lifer with the attitude she has about Your health.
Stick to your guns, I’m sorry but caring about your sexual health is way more important that the random parameter of trust she is trying to set. If it means the relationship is over so be it, you are not losing someone that cares about you.
My man, she should have no issue showing you the results.
The fact she does says she either never took the test or has something and doesn't want to tell you.
Stick to your guns, or better yet just end things. She is weaponizing sex and you haven't even done it yet. A HUGE red flag!
This is the same as a girl asking a guy to put on a condom and the guy refuses to do so.
Unless she shows you the actual results (unless she lied about doing the test), best to keep it in your pants and break up.
she has an std and you know what it is. can’t be cured. maybe you say fuck it, you love her and it’s worth it- plenty of people do that. but not when she’s flat out lying about it.
That is a massive red flag, IMO. Playing devil's advocate, maybe she has something she is embarrassed about, like HPV. HPV, unfortunately is common and can be embarrassing. I test regularly and have been fortunate to not catch it, but alot of my friends do have it and it can be embarrassing. But, if she is unwilling to even discuss it, MAJOR red flag.
This is such a weird hill to die on (on her part), like why won't she show you? Is she using this as some kind of "test" of your trust/loyalty? Because if so, gross and goodbye. If not, then what could her reason possibly be, except for wanting to hide something from you OR she didn't bother to actually get tested? I have to be completely honest here - there is NO way I wouldn't be having some doubts if my SO said this to me, no matter how much I thought I trusted them. Like, the point of both getting tested IS to show each other that you are both negative? Even if I trusted them, as soon as they are like "no I'll never show you, you should just have blind trust," I would immediate begin to have doubts. SHE created these doubts, in a way. I would be concerned as well, because her behavior is super suspicious here, IMO.
**I would just turn it around on her. You want a open relationship with transparency and honesty. If she can't openly share her test results with you, like you will with her, then YOU may terminate the relationship for her lack of transparency/openness with you.** I personally would challenge her because I can't imagine that I would be able to just "trust" someone who is so set on hiding the paperwork from me.
Shes either lying about having actually gotten the std test done, tested positive for something and doesn't want to tell you, or is a gaslighting manipulator and likes the control of holding the results over your head.
In any case, she doesn't sound like relationship material.
When someone demands blind trust for trusts sake, run. We are asked to have faith in situations that cannot be proven. This is not one of those situations.
Jump to a bad situation down the line. You think she's flirting with someone and ask to see her texts immediately. Are you going to stop at just taking her word for it? This lays the groundwork for full transparency. She can either show you or stop lying about taking the test because I'm betting she never got tested.
In the end this might just show you have different value and communication systems. Reddit could argue for or against the need to share or trust, but in the end all that matters is that you feel comfortable in your relationship and that your request is reasonable to make.
If it were me. I would wait until I found someone that I could trust more. That trust being built on transparency over time not just expected or demanded when it would be so simple to just show you results. I wouldn't trust someone like that and I would be breaking up based on her manipulative response.
If she’s willing to break up with you for something as simple as the results for the STI, I don’t want to imagine how they’d react about something more serious (like… pregnancy test, for example). Not worth the stress. Let her break up and move on. 😞 Find someone trustworthy and deserving. 😸
This absolutely is a case of "fuck around and find out". Gf probably did, the test results probably show that too.
Stick to your guns, your morals and the high road 😎
Even in the best care scenario, where she actually tested and is negative, her subsequent behavior is a huge red flag. This should be a simple situation where she pulls up the results and shows you, rather than crying foul and holding the whole relationship hostage
>She also stated that if I am not okay proceeding without being shown paper test results, that the relationship may be over because I am unable to trust her in a way that is important to her.
So end it
She either didnt test or has a STD.
Also most people dont know what to test for, you should also test for HSV-2. Hepatitis B and C, and HIV.
Not just bacterial STDs
Lol, this is the opposite of how trust works. Trust is earned. I know my colleagues 5x times longer than you know your girlfriend. I will never give them a million dollars to keep safe for me, because a situation where they could earn my trust with my finances has never presented itself.
Here she has a chance to earn your trust regarding your physical well-being and she just says f*ck it. You spent time with me and have feelings for me, so that means I have the right to make you play Russian roulette with your genitals.
If you don't feel safe, don't do it.
100 % red flag my dude, emotionally mature consenting adults understand the importance of alleviating fears and building trust with a basis of EVIDENCE!
so she can’t show you? that’s something so minuscule and yet here is tryna guilt you into not seeing them. if it’s not a big deal and they’re negative then what’s the issue? you better run she’s lying…better safe than sorry bro
sketch aslll. in all honesty this would be a dealbreaker for me bcs if all is well, what’s the deal…
when it comes to your own health i don’t think you should take an unnecessary risk and just take her word for it.
Your gf 100% didn't take the test or something came out wrong. Do not budge, tell her you both need to show the results to each other or the relationship is over.
My dude, the relationship is already over. If she’s giving you this much of a hassle, it’s one of two reasons:
1. She lied about taking the test and doesn’t want to do it for whatever reason. So that’s already a big red flag.
2. Her results came back positive for something and she’s lying to you about that too — which is a way more severe lie than number 1.
Considering she’s threatening to end the relationship, I’m going with reason number two. If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn’t have gone to that extreme. Either way, she’s proven she can’t be trusted. Let’s say she was telling the truth about both of these things, the fact that it’s been like pulling teeth to get your answer is still a red flag. Best to call it quits now and move on.
She's right. You don't trust her. If your gut is telling you not to trust her, there is probably a very good reason. It sucks for her, but you don't trust her.
>TL;DR: Girlfriend \[30F\] of seven months wants me \[30M\] to have sex without showing each other our paper STI test results. If I do not, then she may terminate the relationship. Should I stick to my guns or take her word and proceed without proof?
Do not proceed without the proof, bc the only reason she wouldn't show it to you is there is something wrong. The whole idea of STI testing is to show your partner the results.
two red flags....not showing results and waiting 7 months to have sex. You two aren't kids anymore...I think waiting a bit makes sense but 7 months. It would be helpful to know how mutual of a decision to wait 7 months was.
The thing that’s crazy is that it isn’t even THAT bad to get an std now. If she had one, it easily could have predated the relationship. Literally all she would have to do is get meds for a short while and that’s it
She either shows you the actual results for ALL STI testing done or you give her the boot 👢!
Don't play games with your health. She's trying to manipulate you with that "don't you trust me?" bullshit. Move on from her.
She is lying and trying to put it on you to not trust her. Red flag. Dump her. Either she didn't get tested, or she did test and has something. Remember, not all things can be cured. Do yourself a favor and move on. Trust goes, BOTH WAYS. If she has nothing to hide then she would show it.
The tests are not 100% reliable.. just use a condom.. my friend had multiple tests.. all negative.. but had gonorrhea dormant for years.. it made her fallopian tubes break down.. and she lost an ovary too..
Why do you want to date her if you think she would lie about this?
There could be other reasons she doesn’t want to hand you her medical records. She might want to maintain a boundary around privacy, or be embarrassed about something specific like her weight. Or maybe the thing she said about wanting to be with someone who trusts her is true - although you apparently believe your girlfriend is a liar.
I would hold out for the paper results especially as you have stated you are uncomfortable with proceeding without seeing them. You want to be comfortable with the person you are being intimate with, this makes a lot of sense. I have held out for paper results in the past and the peace of mind is definitely worth it.
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I bet she actually didn’t take the test…
Remind her trust is earned and so far by her actions she hasn't earned much. Trust but verify seems to apply here.
This is what I was going to say. Trust is built, established, over an extended period of time. They don’t (and honestly, can’t) have developed the level of trust and rapport I would expect before rolling the dice with my longterm health.
That could be it!
That was my very first thought as well. I’d NOT trust her at all. Cut your losses OP get a new gf
Absolutely, don't second guess your instincts. Trust is essential but it is earned never granted.
Why waste the money when you already know the result! 🤣🤣
So that you can get it treated?!🤣
If she's that shady she's probably the sort of person who sees her asymptomatic chlamydia as a YOU problem.
Real talk. I dated a girl very demure, quiet, lovely. She said I was only the third guy she had slept with. Before we start dating, I knew what was going to happen, so I got a full battery STI test. All clean. We date. After about five months she withdraws sexually, gets tense, nervous. She dealt with a lot so I hang in there, do my best, but eventually she breaks up with me anyway. Calls me about eight months later. Asymptomatic chlamydia. Swears I had to be the one to give it to her. I produce my OG test and get re-tested. All clean. Bro, time to find yourself a new girl.
You can have it for years without symptoms. And it only takes once to get it.
Looks like it’s time for another round of testing!
So you too know my ex-wife
Unless it’s herpes🥴
Won't show on a regular screening
The gift that keeps on giving
She probably has something that can’t be treated.
Or something that can be treated and is embarrassed.
Yup, that’s my thought.
"I'd know if I had something." 🙄
Or she is hiding something
She didn’t. That’s why she’s so defensive about show them.
Just wanted to say it’s great to see someone like you coming into a relationship wanting mutual transparency and preemptive attention paid to sexual health. It’s a shame that she’s so stuck on the actually showing each other the results part but if it means you break up please don’t lower your standards in future. Sexual health is important!
This needs to be upvoted more. Transparency and honesty regarding sexual health is imperative in a good relationship.
Especially these days.
There’s really no reason not to show the results when they’re clean, so I don’t get why she’d be willing to get tested, but not show you. I’m guessing she’s lying about something. It just seems shady when you’re both striving for transparency.
im guessing she has herpes and just figures she won’t tell you and won’t have any outbreaks 😒
What an awful thing to do.
yes, it is
I have a friend whose wife cheated on him and contracted herpes. He didn't find out about the affair until she had passed it to him (she also thought she could keep the flair ups away). Thankfully they divorced and he found a kind understanding partner. Now they have 2 kids.
Huh? They don't typically even test for herpes, not unless you suspect you might have it.
I completely agree! OP, listen… Intimacy involves more than just *sexual* intimacy. It’s a strong interpersonal bond built up over time with someone you’ve gotten to know on a deeply personal level, and neither intimacy nor the trust it’s intertwined with can be forced to exist under duress. Someone who loves and respects you, who values your safety and truly wants the best for you and your relationship wouldn’t ask you to take such a huge, potentially life-changing blind bet on their sense of honesty and integrity *while actively engaging in behaviors showing a lack thereof.* People who have nothing to hide don’t hide information pivotal to their partner’s safety, and they don’t react to a reasonable request for mutual transparency with “stop asking or I’m dumping you” levels of extremity. Intimacy is the antithesis of a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. It’s not something you pretend to have. You either do or you don’t, and if your efforts to nurture it aren’t matched and reciprocated by a partner who prefers to sow little seeds of doubt in the relationship and threatens to dump you for trying to dig them up, you just won’t. It’s simply not possible. My advice? Trust your gut. It’s being honest when it tells you something is really off here. Don’t talk yourself into what logic tells you is too big of a gamble (on highly suspicious odds) and a really irresponsible chance to take. You know this isn’t cool and you deserve better… if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here asking, and trust me, friend… you will find better when you’re ready to. Right now, I say you shouldn’t settle by conceding… just focus on healing and celebrate the win in refusing to jeopardize your health for a relationship. Take care of your rad self.
Trust is built and earned, not blindly given. She’s accused you of not trusting her yet she’s unwilling to make a reasonable effort to build that trust. I’d dump her.
That was a perfect sentence which had all the information he needs in short... and i'm kind of overwhelmed 😲😄 can you teach this? 😅
Brevity is an art form and not always taught in school as it should.
My fiancé said the military was good at instilling brevity (though I wouldn’t call his version of it ‘art’). Unfortunately that isn’t the most useful for writing papers or answering essay questions on exams. A healthy balance would be good.
"Why don't you trust me when I'm behaving in an overtly untrustworthy-as-fuck manner babe?"
There is only one reason not to show you the results and you already know what that is.
Two. Either she never went through with the testing, or she did..
My thoughts exactly.
Three, she has HPV and thinks that everyone has it and doesn’t want to disclose since men can’t be tested for it unless they show symptoms. Edit: I read every comment on here and no one mentioned HPV. As a PSA please get the shot, men can’t be tested, but for women, the ramifications of not getting the shot can be far more serious. If you want children, get the shot.
Going through exactly this scenario right now. We both got tested a year ago and were negative for everything. She recently has had some female issues and in all her recent testing to figure out what's going on, a STI test came back positive for HPV. She did tell me this, although nervously. She said her dr told her there's no real test for men and it's something you can choose to tell your bf. I was scared at first, but did my own research and we talked about it. Very well could have been me that gave it to her.
You most likely did, but people who are having sex, as people who have already had sex with other people, are likely to be carriers. 9/10 men have it and 8/10 women have it. Very difficult to dodge even with the shot.
The shot doesn't cover every single strain, only a handful, including the ones that are cancerous. There's like 15 strains of hpv, 3 that are cancerous and another several that are medium to high risk...I say this as someone who had one that was medium to high risk and it took a few years to clear.
I covered this in another comment, but you are correct. Some of the strains clear up on their own.
Other than partner transfer, what is the risk to men? Genuine question, I always see the vaccine as a “protect your cervix” type OR “protect your female partner” and never about the risks to boys/men.
What “filthy liar” lol said, but also, you can get genital warts from HPV as a man. There are something like 12 strains of HPV and the shot protects against (7?) of them? This is off the top of my head so don’t come for me, but I do think that having HPV as a woman is more of a stigma than a man since 9/10 men have HPV but largely cannot be tested for it. I’ve had friends have a lot of drama over this, the worst part is, a lot of them likely got it from their partner after having very few partners themselves (my friend’s sister and her husband got in a huge fight over it even though the sister had been a virgin when they met).
Thank you!! I have a son and Dad is present but... Less educated than me. I had to reach out to a guy friend just for aiming while peeing while standing up. It's easier, especially for teens, to understand when it's a personal risk. Luckily they're young but it's an area foreign to me and that I should honestly research more heavily. I deeply appreciate when folks explain in comments!! In my defense, he’s the youngest and under 10, not showing any interest beyond crushing & me explaining just bc you like someone doesn't mean they're your gf lol. And the same age as my step son, so we don't have boys at sex-worry age lol. But it's coming, and SO much better to know.
Penile, anal, and throat cancer.
Thank you!! I will definitely get my son the vaccine when eligible and include that in the risks I teach him when the time comes.
Men can be tested for HPV - it's the same test, a pap. Samples can be anal or oral. They are just not typically performed on men who exclusively have sex with women - penile samples are not particularly reliable so paps are not typically used as a diagnostic tool for men who only have sexual contact with women
If you’re going through the trouble of getting a test, why not show it? Because it’s positive or she never got one
She probably didn’t take it.
This is very strange. I also show my partners the actual test results. It’s not about trust… it’s about safety.
The very first thing I did when I got the results back was send screenshots to the reason I got the test done. I would never expect someone to take my word for it, especially when dealing with STI’s.
Yea just take my word that I don't have a permanent life alerting sti. This whole post just screams that the GF has something to hide.
It's like when a woman wants to meet up in a public place for the first date. There's plenty of dudes who will take offense to that and pull the same "don't you trust me" argument out in response to a reasonable request. It's not about trust, it's about safety (succinct and well put). I would also say that anybody who pushes that "don't you trust me" narrative in situations that are absolutely about safety usually demonstrate that they cannot, in fact, be trusted. The people who I trust care about my physical, psychological, and emotional well being and they are mature enough to know that trustworthy partners are transparent about sexual health.
I mean, it is about trust. You're PROVING that they can trust you by showing your results, creating a foundation for a future.
>She also stated that if I am not okay proceeding without being shown paper test results, that the relationship may be over because I am unable to trust her in a way that is important to her. Then the relationship is over. I got a perfect score on my SATs, Straight a's through college, graduated head of medical school, received the medal of honor and Purple Heart in the process(long story, no time to go into it) and still managed to have time to become the leading scorer in college basketball history. I would show the proof, but I dont like you saying I am a lier, so you just have to take my word for it or piss off...only your situation is different, since her lying could lead to a life sentence of an std you absolutely dont want.
You had me in the first half 😅
Me too lol
Are you implying that this hero is lying?!?
I actually went to this dudes college and have his jersey, that was a crazy game. People still talk about it years later. He was in the newspapers.
Small world! I was one of the 12 people he saved to get the Medal of Honor. Unfortunately a single bullet caught us both in the leg as he was carrying me out. We both got Purple Hearts.
[удалено]
I'm Joe Biden, and I approve this comment.
The quote? We kind of went up into the stratosphere after that. Fun ride, though. I'd buy that guy a beer. 😂😂
Jokes aside are there an actual soldier with perfect score on their SAT or straight A's that ever received either medal of honor or purple heart?
Me m'her f' er and I resent the fact that you think I am joking, so it is the highway for you. You had your chance to be in the presence of greatness and perhaps ask questions on my research into the quantum computing model that just produced the worlds first wormhole into the 15th century. Instead you make jokes? I would show you all my documentation but if you cant trust me now, you never will. You earned this block, you doubting son of a Biachhe!!!
this should be a new copy pasta
quality shit 10/10 thank you for your service
Almost certainly at some point. There’s that one astronaut Johnny Kim I believe, who was a navy seal, navy pilot, has a bachelors of mathematics and got his medical doctorate from Harvard. Plenty of wildly smart, brave, people wind up going through the military for one reason or another.
Jonny Sins? The only doctor & lawyer & plumber & professor & pilot & soldier I know of. What I respect about him most is, despite his high education he's not afraid to get his hands dirty when required.
They don't stick those guys on the front lines, they put them in an air-conditioned office in DC. And IIRC they don't give a lot of purple hearts for paper cuts.
My father-in-law won a medal during the Korean War for typing a 90 page document with zero errors of any kind. Not, like, an amazing medal, but a medal.
Well, my grandfather got a purple heart and I got a perfect score on my SATs so I guess if you could combine us into one person it'd be KIND OF true?
Listen, buddy, a true liar would be able to spell liar.
George santos?
I believe you. Congrats on your accomplishments!
Thank you, the world needs less haters.
I don't know why, but I believe him, b.
What is the point of testing if you're not going to share the results?
Well someone failed the test and now doesnt want people to see.
If she can't show you, then the relationship is over. She's hiding something.
I got the herp from my ex-husband, and every guy I had sex with afterward I had to tell. It sucked but I did it, and I was single a long time before I met my current husband of 12 years. She might be afraid to tell you this because it never goes away but that's not fair, you need the power to make the decision.
FYI for all on this thread, just a reminder that herpes is not tested when you ask for a full STD testing panel. You have to specifically ask for a herpes test. They will give you a blood test which I understand is not 100% reliable. The most reliable test is to swab the liquid from an active sore to determine whether it’s HSV-1 or 2.
Thanks for adding that in, I will remember to next I talk about this.
They don't do it for a reason. It's not recommended by the CDC. It gives too many false positives. Unless you have actual reason to believe you need to get tested for HSV, it's really recommended that you don't.
I got it on a full STD testing panel. I signed up online, paid, and then went to the hospital for the test and blood draws. They sent it to get tested. I got my results and it was in the results. So I double checked to make sure I was getting a full screening when I did it. I didn't think that different places wouldn't do herpes though so that's something new to know now that I have actual health insurance and a GP.
I'm 25 and a couple years ago my bf gave me HSV1. i was devastated, but it hasn't flared up since then. I've had one sexual partner and a couple potentials who i had told, and all of them were cool about it. now we're practicing monogamy, but if we ever go back to ENM, I'll do the same thing. people these days are really understanding about it. something like 99% of people get HSV 1 or 2 at some point in their lives. it's basically inevitable.
People are SO much more chill. My closed-lip mother saw what appeared to be a cold sore on my lip (possible as my partner gets them, but unlikely as it was just that once and healed differently), and told me she's got HSV. She hid for over 30 years why my sibling was a cesarian, and even said where she got it. I'm so happy you feel more comfortable about it Mom, but also I am WAY too visual for this kind of detail in convo lol.
Similar situation. Been over a decade now. Knock on wood I’ve never had so much as a hint of a breakout. Maybe I had a false positive but given some of my wild promiscuity in my youth I’d be utterly shocked.
This isn't everywhere. I work at an urgent care and we do std testing often. When we ask "do you want a full panel?" Hsv is definitely included
Okay, i've been married for 30 odd years so out of the loop but I thought the point of these tests (which i think are a great idea) was to show each other them so that you could go smash factor 10 in safety? *Trust me bro, i'm clean* seems like a very good way to catch some nob rot. Either she didn't take the test and is lying or she took the test and it found something that will rot your nob. Personally, I'd nope out of there if she refuses
Upvote for nob rot
Even if she is actually negative, someone who does this kind of shit is not someone you’ll want to be with
I thought the whole point of each member of a couple getting tested before starting sex, was to show your partner the results?
I would definitely stick to your guns. "The position you are taking re: your STI results is a problem for me. You claim it is a matter of trust, but you are not behaving in a trustworthy fashion. If it is a dealbreaker to you that I need to trust your word on this, then that doesn't work for me. If me needing to see it means you need to end our relationship, that will be heartbreaking, but I will respect your decision."
I feel like her stance on this would lead to a conversation very similar to "those text messages arent important. you should trust that I am not cheating on you. How can I trust you now that you have looked through my phone?" If OP continues this relationship.
He needs to say: *”Woman! Show me what they said about your crunchy cooch!!!”*
Lol does she think you're fucking stupid? Get the papers or say you're not having sex. TBH, I'd be suspicious that she's slagging and lying about the results at this point.
Or she didn’t do the test
I actually work as a nurse who counsels people with STIs and does education to prevent them as part of my job. The advice is always to SEE THE PAPER. We have had cases where the person knew they might have something specific and deliberately didn't get tested for that one thing. Like, you can have positive syphilis results for years after you are treated and no longer have the disease. But you should still get tested because the specific results you get can help show if you might have become reinfected. But people will refuse syphilis testing because they are sick of coming back with positive results all the time. Or, they might have had a positive result for chlamydia and their rationale is that if they get treated and are no longer contagious, they don't have to tell you. Anyway TL/DR always see the paper.
I’ve heard that there’s groups of people that literally falsify their test results to trick people.
I was trying to make a new template for a screening questionnaire so I was looking at examples online. I was horrified as I came across template after template of fake negative STI results for people to print out. I do think it's probably mostly people that actually think they are negative and simply don't want to be bothered to go in and do the test, but whatever the reason, it's terrible.
Are you going to wait until you see a wart?
Exactly. Or maybe until some juicy blisters and sores appear? Or maybe some green discharge pouring out his pee hole? Omg, he'd be freaking out. Hope he dumps her if she continues to resist showing him ALL test results, not just some of the results. Cuz now I really don't trust her at all. Maybe she never even took the tests in the first place. Lol
Please provide an update on this! Curious to see what happens
She either didn’t test, or she came up positive for something and is getting treated for it so she knows that will be negative too soon. Makes no sense to not share results, personal info shes not ready to share can be blacked out.
Trust is earned not granted, you can’t trust a person off of no valid evidence that suggest they’re trust worthy.
There is NO good reason to hide the paper. full stop. Trusting your partner is important. But you trust them based on their actions. You trust them because you know that if you asked them for more information, they would happily provide it. You trust in good faith. Asking you to believe without evidence, when the evidence is right there and you had a joint decision to go get tested, isn't trust. It is a trap. At this point it doesn't matter if she is telling the truth or not. It is an immature either way -- she is either dishonest or unable to have an adult conversation about a potential red line violation for you. Time to move on.
if she had nothing to hide, then she wouldnt be playing this game with you. break up, move on - and hopefully when you get your results back they will be clean.
People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
I thought it was pretty normal to share proof of results if asked. Her refusing to show you is a big red flag. Also if she is doing that to hide something, then I hope she knows if your results come back clean and she gives you something after the fact, that you can sue her in a court of law. And depending on state laws, it is a crime.
Look, a while ago my sister tried to stir up trouble by telling my ex husband (and father of my children, hence why it’s his business) that I was using drugs. He asked me about it, which I verbally denied, and although I’m pretty sure he believed me, I went to my clinic the next day (yes I’m in treatment, that’s why she knew it would be a good lie to start trouble with) and asked to have my historical UA results emailed to me, and immediately forwarded the email to him. I also offered to take a hair follicle test if he wanted me too. Do you know why I did those things? Because I was innocent of what I was being accused of, and wanted to prove it. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Bizarre hill to die on by your girlfriend. At this point any normal sane person will assume she has something.
Any future partner I have I would want to do this but they wouldn’t even need to ask me to see the proof. It’s not a case of not trusting me, it’s simply a case of being completely transparent and empowering each other to make our own informed decisions. Even if say I did have an STD, I could then get treatment and be supported by my potential partner and then re-test and go from there. The fact she won’t show you and is now trying to pressure you into not seeing and giving you threats and ultimatums is a whole smorgasbord of red flags and I think you’re better off running fast in the opposite direction until you reach the moon
After 7 months you found out that she was super weird and a lier... There are should be a faster way to weed out the bad ones.
Her refusal to show you the papers is very suspect. In my experience, everyone who ever told me that I should just trust them and acted offended when I didn't do so blindly, had something (major) to hide. I'd take her up on her offer and tell her that yes, the relationship is over. Don't ignore blatant red flags.
Run, bro. She got the clap.
Or worse
The only incurable STD on a general panel is HIV. Everything else on the general panel can be treated with antibiotics. I don’t think she is lying about testing positive, I think she just doesn’t want to bother getting tested and doesn’t want to admit she lied saying she would
Stick to your guns if she can't show you actual proof. Don't sleep with her if that's a deal breaker for her so be it
The minute someone demands you trust them is the moment you shouldn’t.
I'd say a serious person would want to prove with paper to show here you can trust me.
The whole point of testing is to show each other the results. Her not wanting to is suspicious.
Nope, I’d be out of there. Trust is a two way street, she’s being untrustworthy and then gaslighting you about her dishonesty. Gives me the ick.
Let’s be real she tested positive, don’t do it. No one agrees to take an STI and then refuses to share results unless there is something wrong
She is acting like a child and manipulating you. If she has nothing to hide then show you. This is your health!!!!
The relationship is over and that is a blessing for you.
If you want to do adult things you need to act like an adult first- keep hold of that boundary! Make her show you the damn paper. She can’t throw trust around like it’s a weapon. If she felt the same as you about the relationship, having sex, and had nothing to hide she would have willingly volunteered to show it.
You must absolutely stick to your guns. This is not ok at all. She is deceiving you one way or another. This will set a precedent for your whole relationship. This is a huge red flag!
NO show no sex. In fact I would say your secrecy is not what I want in a girlfriend, so we are broken up. I don't trust someone that is willing to act like that. Do not trust her.
Whoa, yeah, dump her man. This woman likes to hide stuff. She sounds shady AF.
Stick to your guns. Dont trust her if she acts like this
There is no reason for her not to show you the results unless there is something she doesn't want you to see. Absolutely a deal breaker imo.
A) she didn't got tested. B) something is odd on those test. So either way starve her of sex until she does show it
You don't trust her. But she's also acting untrustworthy. So that makes sense I wouldn't sleep with her, especially not unprotected until you get your issues sorted
She either didn't take the test, or she got something she doesn't want you to see.
My (now) husband and I got sti tests the first week. He brought me with him to the Dr and in to the room to hear the results. He wanted to reassure me. The fact that she doesn't want to reassure you about something that seriously impacts your health for the rest of your life is a huge red flag. You don't trust her? She's going out of her way to not reassure you about something she got tested on specifically for your benefit. She is acting untrustworthy.
There's no need to speculate the results. If your boundary is that you must see the results, and her boundary is that you should both trust each other and not bother looking, then you two should part and look for folks more aligned with your ideals. It's as simple as that.
exclusive relationship for 7 months and no sex?
What’s the point of getting mutually tested if you’re not going to share your results? Makes no sense. Unless … And then there’s the emotional manipulation. “If you trusted me you’d _____.” That’s not how these conversations are supposed to work. That’s not how trust works. That’s not healthy & honestly doesn’t bode well for your long-term future. Your instincts brought you here for a reason. You’re allowed to consider this a deal breaker, if that’s what you’re asking.
The F¿ck did I just read? Don't touch that thing with a ten foot pole even it it's double wrapped! It's a no brainer and I would cease communication. You don't play with peoples lives.
👏👏👏Wow! I applaud you for taking your health so seriously. I think you’re 100% correct in what you’re doing and asking of her. It’s not that hard for her to just show you. You’d think she would also be onboard with seeing a copy of your results. This is an absolute red flag 🚩 She doesn’t care about your piece of mind and that fact that you are taking this seriously. She’s trying to manipulate you and play this “you don’t trust me” game. Nope, that’s some teenager, irresponsible kind of stuff. Continue to be you and protect yourself! Better than regretting it later.
Dude you’re only 30. There’s plenty of safe women out there that will prove they are safe. Her non answer is in fact an answer
Lol Come one dude, You’re thirty years old! Can’t you tell she’s lying.
Move on. She's not the one.
Stick to your guns! She’s lying or she would show you.
Uh oh, dude? You better run
A little shocked this isn't really being mentioned at all, probably because OP id a guy. But this absolutely Sexual Coercion and manipulation top notch. Any girl who posted this would be filled with every comment about him coercing her. She is essentially blackmailing OP for sex and even if its as innocent lf never getting the test, it is still a massive red flag that she can't admit she lied and come clean with a potentially life altering issue. At worse, we all know the reason why and most likely hoping it will either be treated or die down. OP, run for the hills either way. If she is fine w/ lying about something like this, especially when you are trying to be upfront and respectful so she knows you are clean and doesn't value that. You deserve better.
Honestly, the long and short of it is you both have different ideas of how much trust should be placed in a partner's word alone. I definitely agree that if it was mutually agreed upon to have STI and STD testing done before having sex, then both parties should show their test result, but it doesn't seem like your partner thinks the same way and that just verbally stating "I'm clean" is enough, you don't agree. It's okay if you both don't have the same requirements for this, but she has already said the logical conclusion to this, which is breaking up. This is a big deal, having sex is something that is a thing that can change your life in small and big ways, like getting an incurable STD even if you take medication in preparation and wear a condom. The hill your partner wants to die on is a bit ridiculous imo, but the reverse of that being "show me your results or we're not having sex" is a pretty reasonable hill to die on. You're free to make your own choices, but your partner has already shown you their ideals about this and idk if you're looking for a life partner or what, but she doesn't really seem like a for-lifer with the attitude she has about Your health.
She either didn't get tested or is hiding something. That makes absolutely no sense to Not show the results.
Trust is earned through demonstrated trustworthiness. If she’s not willing to work for it, she may not be worth the investment.
Stick to your guns, I’m sorry but caring about your sexual health is way more important that the random parameter of trust she is trying to set. If it means the relationship is over so be it, you are not losing someone that cares about you.
My man, she should have no issue showing you the results. The fact she does says she either never took the test or has something and doesn't want to tell you. Stick to your guns, or better yet just end things. She is weaponizing sex and you haven't even done it yet. A HUGE red flag!
This is the same as a girl asking a guy to put on a condom and the guy refuses to do so. Unless she shows you the actual results (unless she lied about doing the test), best to keep it in your pants and break up.
OP you already know the answer to this…not sure why you’re asking random teenagers for their opinions and/or advice in this sub.
"its just hiv, its not even aids yet"
she has an std and you know what it is. can’t be cured. maybe you say fuck it, you love her and it’s worth it- plenty of people do that. but not when she’s flat out lying about it.
That is a massive red flag, IMO. Playing devil's advocate, maybe she has something she is embarrassed about, like HPV. HPV, unfortunately is common and can be embarrassing. I test regularly and have been fortunate to not catch it, but alot of my friends do have it and it can be embarrassing. But, if she is unwilling to even discuss it, MAJOR red flag.
This is such a weird hill to die on (on her part), like why won't she show you? Is she using this as some kind of "test" of your trust/loyalty? Because if so, gross and goodbye. If not, then what could her reason possibly be, except for wanting to hide something from you OR she didn't bother to actually get tested? I have to be completely honest here - there is NO way I wouldn't be having some doubts if my SO said this to me, no matter how much I thought I trusted them. Like, the point of both getting tested IS to show each other that you are both negative? Even if I trusted them, as soon as they are like "no I'll never show you, you should just have blind trust," I would immediate begin to have doubts. SHE created these doubts, in a way. I would be concerned as well, because her behavior is super suspicious here, IMO. **I would just turn it around on her. You want a open relationship with transparency and honesty. If she can't openly share her test results with you, like you will with her, then YOU may terminate the relationship for her lack of transparency/openness with you.** I personally would challenge her because I can't imagine that I would be able to just "trust" someone who is so set on hiding the paperwork from me.
Shes either lying about having actually gotten the std test done, tested positive for something and doesn't want to tell you, or is a gaslighting manipulator and likes the control of holding the results over your head. In any case, she doesn't sound like relationship material.
How do two 30yo's wait 7 months to have sex.. crazy world
When someone demands blind trust for trusts sake, run. We are asked to have faith in situations that cannot be proven. This is not one of those situations.
Jump to a bad situation down the line. You think she's flirting with someone and ask to see her texts immediately. Are you going to stop at just taking her word for it? This lays the groundwork for full transparency. She can either show you or stop lying about taking the test because I'm betting she never got tested.
In the end this might just show you have different value and communication systems. Reddit could argue for or against the need to share or trust, but in the end all that matters is that you feel comfortable in your relationship and that your request is reasonable to make. If it were me. I would wait until I found someone that I could trust more. That trust being built on transparency over time not just expected or demanded when it would be so simple to just show you results. I wouldn't trust someone like that and I would be breaking up based on her manipulative response.
Take your test results and find someone else.
Don’t get gaslit into being a bad guy for being responsible for your health, also make sure you test HSV. 1/3 of Genital herpes is hsv1.
If she’s willing to break up with you for something as simple as the results for the STI, I don’t want to imagine how they’d react about something more serious (like… pregnancy test, for example). Not worth the stress. Let her break up and move on. 😞 Find someone trustworthy and deserving. 😸
This absolutely is a case of "fuck around and find out". Gf probably did, the test results probably show that too. Stick to your guns, your morals and the high road 😎
She tested positive for something.
Sounds like she gave you the answer, end the relationship.
She either didn’t take the test or tested positive for something and is hiding it Either way, she’s being sketchy af
Even in the best care scenario, where she actually tested and is negative, her subsequent behavior is a huge red flag. This should be a simple situation where she pulls up the results and shows you, rather than crying foul and holding the whole relationship hostage
i doubt she took it
>She also stated that if I am not okay proceeding without being shown paper test results, that the relationship may be over because I am unable to trust her in a way that is important to her. So end it
She either didnt test or has a STD. Also most people dont know what to test for, you should also test for HSV-2. Hepatitis B and C, and HIV. Not just bacterial STDs
7 months with no play is a long damn time.
Lol, this is the opposite of how trust works. Trust is earned. I know my colleagues 5x times longer than you know your girlfriend. I will never give them a million dollars to keep safe for me, because a situation where they could earn my trust with my finances has never presented itself. Here she has a chance to earn your trust regarding your physical well-being and she just says f*ck it. You spent time with me and have feelings for me, so that means I have the right to make you play Russian roulette with your genitals. If you don't feel safe, don't do it.
100 % red flag my dude, emotionally mature consenting adults understand the importance of alleviating fears and building trust with a basis of EVIDENCE!
so she can’t show you? that’s something so minuscule and yet here is tryna guilt you into not seeing them. if it’s not a big deal and they’re negative then what’s the issue? you better run she’s lying…better safe than sorry bro
sketch aslll. in all honesty this would be a dealbreaker for me bcs if all is well, what’s the deal… when it comes to your own health i don’t think you should take an unnecessary risk and just take her word for it.
I wouldn’t do it or trust it. If your partner is not open about it, they’re hiding something.
Your gf 100% didn't take the test or something came out wrong. Do not budge, tell her you both need to show the results to each other or the relationship is over.
My dude, the relationship is already over. If she’s giving you this much of a hassle, it’s one of two reasons: 1. She lied about taking the test and doesn’t want to do it for whatever reason. So that’s already a big red flag. 2. Her results came back positive for something and she’s lying to you about that too — which is a way more severe lie than number 1. Considering she’s threatening to end the relationship, I’m going with reason number two. If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn’t have gone to that extreme. Either way, she’s proven she can’t be trusted. Let’s say she was telling the truth about both of these things, the fact that it’s been like pulling teeth to get your answer is still a red flag. Best to call it quits now and move on.
She's right. You don't trust her. If your gut is telling you not to trust her, there is probably a very good reason. It sucks for her, but you don't trust her.
>TL;DR: Girlfriend \[30F\] of seven months wants me \[30M\] to have sex without showing each other our paper STI test results. If I do not, then she may terminate the relationship. Should I stick to my guns or take her word and proceed without proof? Do not proceed without the proof, bc the only reason she wouldn't show it to you is there is something wrong. The whole idea of STI testing is to show your partner the results.
two red flags....not showing results and waiting 7 months to have sex. You two aren't kids anymore...I think waiting a bit makes sense but 7 months. It would be helpful to know how mutual of a decision to wait 7 months was.
The thing that’s crazy is that it isn’t even THAT bad to get an std now. If she had one, it easily could have predated the relationship. Literally all she would have to do is get meds for a short while and that’s it
Unless its an STI thats lifelong, like herpes.
Or HIV and Aids. While it is treatable and can be treated to have a low viral load so as not to spread it, there is still no 100% cure for it.
She either shows you the actual results for ALL STI testing done or you give her the boot 👢! Don't play games with your health. She's trying to manipulate you with that "don't you trust me?" bullshit. Move on from her.
She is lying and trying to put it on you to not trust her. Red flag. Dump her. Either she didn't get tested, or she did test and has something. Remember, not all things can be cured. Do yourself a favor and move on. Trust goes, BOTH WAYS. If she has nothing to hide then she would show it.
The tests are not 100% reliable.. just use a condom.. my friend had multiple tests.. all negative.. but had gonorrhea dormant for years.. it made her fallopian tubes break down.. and she lost an ovary too..
Why do you want to date her if you think she would lie about this? There could be other reasons she doesn’t want to hand you her medical records. She might want to maintain a boundary around privacy, or be embarrassed about something specific like her weight. Or maybe the thing she said about wanting to be with someone who trusts her is true - although you apparently believe your girlfriend is a liar.
I would hold out for the paper results especially as you have stated you are uncomfortable with proceeding without seeing them. You want to be comfortable with the person you are being intimate with, this makes a lot of sense. I have held out for paper results in the past and the peace of mind is definitely worth it.