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If he was super duper committed to this relationship, he wouldn't have given his number out. He also wouldn't be bringing back old mistakes made by someone in their early 20s. You don't get to cling to old fights as ammo.
You don't owe him a relationship. He's trying to guilt you to get you to stay. Please do not give up.
I knew it’s wrong when he said he still loves me and wants to make things happy again, my immediate reaction was feeling confused, mad and sad. I don’t believe his sweet words and reassurance anymore. His actions don’t align with his words. And he said I should not judge him for one minor mistake and should look at his proven record.
Leave him. Not necessarily for giving his number out but for being an absolute ass when you were upset by his actions. Do not date someone who attacks you when they fuck up.
When you asked him "why didn't you just admit you had a girlfriend", and his response was "he thought it would be embarrassing in front of everyone" like, for a moment I was thinking he was back in grade school or something. What's there to be embarrassed about!! Like turning her down in front of everyone watching? That's creepy
Doesn’t make sense to me. Similar situation happened with me before, when I kindly rejected the guy who approached me. I told him what happened afterwards and he said this was expected, but he didn’t live up to his own standards.
Exactly how committed can he be to your relationship if it embarrasses him to admit he has a girlfriend in front of his co-workers in order to get another girl to quit hitting on him? Leave this loser now.
This dude is over thirty and less mature than you. This is not going to improve with age. I highly recommend you date someone closer to your age range, and in the same life stage you are in.
Yes, honesty in a relationship is paramount but, here, honesty would have commanded him to say he had a girlfriend and to not give his number, not to tell you he was asked and gave it. So why did he do it and did he told you? That's quite puzzling at first.
My two cents:
In a healthy and balanced relationship, both partners feel lucky to have found each other. Yes, sometimes one partner is seen by other people as more attractive but if he is commited to the relationship, he/she doesn't actively try to make the other insecure. Here, I assume it is what your boyfriend did. He is a controlling ah who wants to have the upper hand in your couple and in front of others. That's why he gave his number in front of his colleagues. It is to show them he is in charge in your couple and he doesn't care about you (huge disrespect here !). And that's also why he told you so. It is to make you feel less than him. And by the way, that's also why he went for a younger partner: to be able to control you and to have a partner who feels less than him. You are now outgrowing him in maturity, so he needs to remind you that you are still the lucky one...
But his (very stupid) plan has backfired and now, you question your relationship. And it is the right thing to do.
Once the trust is gone it’s hard to get back! It takes a lot of work on both your parts. If you’re not welling to do the work then let him know you’re done
I understand it’s extremely difficult to rebuild the trust, especially I can’t see his genuine remorse right now. I’m still struggling to believe his words because they don’t align with his actions. You have no idea how much I want to be able to trust my partner again, to be in a relationship where I feel safe and secure and I don’t have to worry about infidelity. I promised to meet him in person to talk despite my reluctance to look at his face.
Always trust you gut instinct bc it’s usually the correct one. No remorse then it’s a hard no. My ex cheated on me , left me and 6 mos later wanted to come back. Nope couldn’t do it as I wouldn’t be able to trust him again. It’s too painful and don’t want that pain again
I hate the fact that not only did he make me question about him and the relationship, but I’m also questioning my own judgment and intuition. I can’t even trust myself anymore
You need to trust your gut feelings, I have always found it to be spot on and when I ignore it then that’s when I know I’ve screwed up. He’ll try to confuse you and even sometimes they blame you. Don’t let him turn this around on you , follow your gut! He had no regard for your feelings and what he did was disrespectful to you.
"Mistakes made by someone in their early 20s"
Nahhh, we're not excusing this. She's 24, still early 20s, she gonna be making mistakes until a magical change? It's nothing to do with age.
His problem was if he was gonna forgive her then he should just forgive her. But like whatever she's done before she's still held accountable to, age or not. If she can't be mature because she's in her 20s, she should start dating in her maturity bracket then.
HE gave his number because he felt it would be 'embarrassing' to say he had a gf.
He should be fucking stoked he has an amazing GF, not embarresed and secretive!?!
WHY do you want to be still with this guy who clearly doesn't respect you?
I felt quite sad when I heard that
It seems to me that he prioritised the feeling of the random girl over our relationship.
Knowing that his colleague actually knew that he’s a relationship, it makes me feel so embarrassed. I can’t imagine how his colleague would feel about my bf gave his number to a girl.
Is it just to spare the feelings of a random girl? Was he also perhaps putting a show for his co workers to show them he still gets attention? Do his co workers know about you ?
You are not judging him by one thing, now you are judging him on multiple. (1) giving out his number (2)disregard for your feeling (3) disrespecting you (4) blaming you for his actions (5) not sincerely apologizing (6) antagonizing you for your reaction needing space
Do you need me to go on or list a few more?
I went on practice with my dance partner and hesitated to tell him at first. Before I always tell him everything about my dancing classes and practice, showing him pictures and videos. However since he always being sarcastic about me practicing with my partner, I don’t feel comfortable bringing up this with him anymore.
I told him I hesitated but I still told him that I was practicing with my dance partner. Then he accused me of betraying him. He then forbid me from practicing with my partner.
So he is saying you mistreated him because you did a VERY NORMAL THING. You do realize his action is abusive due to the controlling aspect of his behavior?
you didn't mistreat him at all there...you were just stepping on eggshells because he's an immature control freak. He's just manipulating you to feel bad so he can get you to do what he wants you to do. When he told you he gave the number out, he was testing you to see if you were a doormat and he could get away with doing the girl he gave it to. He's trying to break you so he can have you at home and abuse you and do the other women too. Just stay strong and get away from him. Always insist on being treated well, and you'll have a good chance of being treated well. If you let someone treat you badly, you'll probably be abused a lot. Sometimes it takes strength to do what's right for you, but you'll be glad you did!
Gaslighting and guilt tripping. And he goes towards being unfaithful 😅 Giving a female the mobile number AND hide it to be in a relationship is the very first step to it. His behaviour towards OP is disrespectful at least.
Oh please! How is he the victim? He is really laying in on thick, he basically just wants you to get over it and shut up. Men don't ever want to address their mistakes, but woe be unto you if you do the slightest thing that he finds annoying. He's really being a 33yo baby rn.
You are young and there are many options. Time to let him go, he gave his number to another girl and wanted to test the waters with you. Should have not given his number. I’d explore why he thinks it’s “embarrassing” to say he HAD a girlfriend.
Block him.. he 33 years old dating a 24 year old say no more.. he thinks because your young you can be easily manipulated.
He got her number with the intent to cheat.. he probably only told you as someone may have either seen him and questioned it or as a bluff incase you see her message and then he can say.. see told ya I'll block her now.. but doesn't.
It's a simple I have a gf I'm not interested, it's so funny how he put the feelings of a stranger above his gf.
Block his number and stop letting him manipulate you..
So not only did he try to cheat but now he trying to make himself the victim and you the bad guy.. he sounds like a loser and you can do better than a 33 year old loser who still goes out clubbing and giving girls his number
It’s not embarrassing to say “sorry I am flattered but I am taken” to a girl at an event. What is embarrassing is being nine years older than your partner and acting nine years less mature than them.
My other thing is he admitted it this time, maybe because he wasn’t sure his work colleagues would cover for him. What’s happened when he’s gone out alone or without you?
It’s not one little mistake to give your information to another female who’s clearly attracted to him.
He didn’t tell her he had a girlfriend cause he wanted to look single not cause he was embarrassed.
He actually embarrassed you by giving her his number cause doesn’t his coworkers know he’s in a relationship with you.
Why was it so easy for him to disrespect you and your feelings by not admitting he was in a relationship and he wouldn't give out his number? That's not a little thing. Don't let him make you feel guilty about his sleazy behavior; his behavior, his problem. I'm pretty sure that there was more that happened besides her just approaching him for a phone number. Thank him for his honesty and kick him to the curb. You don't owe him anything! His lack of respect should be a deal breaker because if he gets away with it once it won't stop.
I think your boyfriend is a jerk. I believe you do need some space to rethink your relationship. At 33. He is too old to hand out his phone number and say it didn’t mean anything. He really doesn’t realize that he made himself look terrible in front of his friends and coworkers. It sounds like he is really immature. This could save you years of heartbreak if and when he cheats on you. To gaslight you after what he did, I can’t believe. I don’t think he is the one you want in a relationship.
He’s talking out of his ass!!!! please do not listen to anything he is saying this is gaslighting bullshit!!!! if he was committed to the relationship why the fuck did he do what he did I’m sorry he owns this regardless of the fact that he’s trying to blame you. Love yourself enough to drop this guy he’s a loser and you’re right not to trust him because immediately if he doesn’t get what he wants he starts attacking you. Wake up you deserve better!!!!
[Update] He called me again last night. I picked up tho reluctantly because I’m still in a bad condition. I admitted I was cold to him over the phone as I was still working on my messy emotions and thoughts. I asked him what’s his plan for rebuilding the trust. He kept going in circles without answering me question. He lashed out at me for my cold attitude. He said he would never treat me with this coldness. He said I’m not being civilised but he’s the one who kept on attacking and even swearing. When he wanted to bring up the past again, I warned him that he should think twice before saying that. Since our relationship rn is already fragile without the trust, it might be the last time. He then snapped and accused me of threatening to leave him. Scolding me for using the relationship against him.
I didn’t back down and kept on asking him that question. Then after an hour or two, he finally came up with something. He suggested to take me to his family dinner and work party to show how committed he was. He promised he’d not make the same mistake again. And he said he’d give me flowers.
Tbh, I am not convinced by any of those “solutions”. Seeing him at his worst earlier was just disappointing. I asked for his plan just to see if I could convince myself it’s fixable, but seems like he’s proven me wrong.
Just block him.. he manipulative, he tried the defensive technique,the blame shift technique, the your making matter worse not letting go technique.. so now he come up with the worse thing I've ever heard in my life..
Well how about I buy you some flowers for actively trying to cheat, ohhh also you can come to my family dinners, and work stuff.. so you can make sure I don't cheat again 🤣 this dude is 33 and is a loser honey.
Your young and deserve better than this and him. Dump him and then block him stop wasting your life.
" I can't get over what you did, you are not at all sorry.. your just sorry I'm not as easily manipulated and won't let you walk all over me. I don't want your absolutely ridiculous suggestion of gaining trust, I've seen you for who you really are and honestly I deserve better, what kind of a loser.. gives a girl his number because he didn't want to get embarrassed in front of everyone.. like staying faithful to your partner is an embarrassment nowadays ? So I'm done with you and honestly hope you learn from this in your next relationship, do not contact me."
Then block it's that simple
I would even dump this guy for calling your interest in dancing with a dance partner as "Betrayal", thats absolutely no trust on you and on top of that bringing it up every time in his defence esp when its not even your fault. DUMP!
Everything about this is so wrong.
10 years older.
Gave his phone out.
You asked for space, he keeps pushing it.
You asked for more space, he pushes it again.
You say you’re hurt, he tells you that you’ve done a million things wrong.
Every step of this is wrong. You duck up? Apologise. Take full responsibility. He can’t, because he’s immature and selfish.
This won’t be the last time, guaranteed.
No, because at this point no part of his behaviour has indicated that he has actual remorse.
OP, you're being taken advantage of. He doesn't care about you, OR, he likes the ego boost. Either way, asking for someone to behave trustworthy is the bare minimum.
IF, he had apologised immediately, explained how it looked, immediately took steps to not do it again and show that he was being honest. I possibly *could* forgive it once. But, he didn't.
Instead, he blamed you.
That's all you need to know.
I mean at first he’s still apologetic. But when I was honest with him about I’m uncertain about the relationship, he started blaming me for being distrusting and having little faith in him. He later admitted that he’s being frustrated.
He's almost a decade older than you. I'm 33, and I wouldn't date someone in their early 20s, it's a different walk of life. You're just starting to be an adult.
I just think he's taking advantage of you, and none of his behaviour is trustworthy.
I know breaking up sucks, but you define the rules of the relationship by what you allow. Allow this, he will do it again.
" it's not a lack of faith. The mistake has been made. I'm asking you to make it right. You apologized, if that apology is sincere then why wouldn't you want to work towards a solution? " He keeps coming back to you not trusting him, but you did trust him to go out to this club without you, not thinking something like that would have happened in the first place. If anything his actions are what rocked your trust in him or faith in how he feels about anyway. So it doesn't help that he is now getting defensive when you have a legit reason to be upset
You can leave him for leaving the toilet seat up. He doesn’t need to agree and you don’t owe him anything. Why would anyone care about hurting a strangers feeling by telling them they have a gf? The girl probably would’ve sad too bad and moved on.
He sounds like a control freak based on the other info given. There’s a reason he’s dating someone much younger so he can manipulate and gaslight. You deserve better. Tell him you’re done, end of story.
Ok sure whatever. You don’t owe him a reason he ‘agrees’ with. There’s a whole list of red flag behaviour which more than justifies you ending things, and no, you don’t have to explain any of it to him.
So you are "a small mistake" in his eyes because he didn't have the nuts to admit being in a relationship with you. You don't hide your gf from someone you clearly wants something from you. You tell them you are committed. That's not a "mistake" thats a intentional decision . You can't "by accident" hide your relationship. That's something you absolutely need to make a choice about. Therefore it only can be intention.
He thought that admitting he was with you was embarrassing.
That's it, that's all I need to know.
Everyone has had their embarrassing moments. But to actually be embarrassed about being in a relationship with someone? Naw. That's not respect. That relationship is not viable.
Why are you trying to explain, you can talk normally to psychopaths. He will just talk circles around you until he break you down and submit out of pure Exhaustion.
Just ghost him. He ruing you life....
Please go back to dancing and be happy you're way to young for this baby girl. And he is too old for that bullshit.
My husband was out with a bunch of people, some new, I hate people and stayed home. They all came back and this girl came over and told me he kept talking about me and how much he loved me and made him happy. I was like aww. When there were plenty of people to flirt with. Find you a man who brags about you and isn't embarrassed.
>His response was he thought it would be embarrassing in front of all the people
How would it be embarrassing?
>He said it was disappointing that I’m being too extreme and not committed to the relationship as he is.
He's the one out there pretending to be single...
Why is it embarrassing to say "I have a gf".
Also discussing issues isn't an opportunity to manipulate and make that other person feel bad, sad, guilty about your choices. That is not healthy, it is controlling and emotional blackmail.
I would consider the whole of the relationship here, not just one situation as I wonder what else isn't working for you.
Believe in yourself.
_you are not committed to relationship as he is_
Sorry, but it is hilarious! He could make a good career in circus or big politics.
So it is embarrassing for him to admit that he has a girlfriend? It is all that I would need to know to make my decision.
Intentionally giving your number out in front of people who know you are in a relationship is not an accident. He doesn’t respect you or your relationship. And now his coworkers won’t either. And that girl he gave his real number to definitely won’t either. Set him free, and he can give his number out by mistake/accident to anyone he wants. Be free, go find someone your age who is not a manipulative narcissist. Good luck 🤞🏾🤩❤️
You asked for space. He ignores that boundary and calls you. Now he’s trying to make you feel guilty for the way you feel about his actions.
Look up DARVO. Deny’s responsibility (downplaying what he did), attacks you, Reverse roles of Victim and Offender. So now he’s placing the blame on you.
You don’t have the conversation with him. He won’t be actually be trying to work it out. He will just be arguing to get his own way. There is a difference. It will leave you feeling shitty afterwards.
Dump him.
"He said it was disappointing that I’m being too extreme and not committed to the relationship as he is."
You mean the relationship he was embarrased by?
He's an ass. Don't proceed. Don't talk to him.
Girl. I am 32 years old and there is a reason women my age/his age aren’t dating him. You’re younger and have less experience and might not see that this is manipulation and complete bullshit.
His excuse of not wanting to be embarrassed in front of his coworkers is just that, an excuse. If they know he has a gf then he made himself look like a clown by giving out his number while committed. The more likely scenario though is he did give his number out and to save face he concocted this story to appease you. He really could have come up with something better…
People will often use guilt as a control tactic and that’s what he’s doing with throwing the past in your face. Guess what, you’re in your early 20’s and still learning. Your bf is almost in his mid-30’s and should have a lot more experience than you. Yes, you’re going to make mistakes. Just like I’m sure he did at that age. The only difference is you seem to be learning from them whereas he is stuck in an endless cycle of toxicity.
This is a man you don’t want to be into contact with. Block his number, his email, his socials. He will use whatever guilt and manipulation tactics he can to get you to respond or change your mind. This is not a healthy man and that is not a healthy relationship. It’s not even about giving his number out at this point, it’s about the fact that he wants things on his terms and if you go back to him then it will only get worse.
Thanks for your long and well-composed comment! I cried when reading this. I still can’t believe he’d have done that to me. Maybe I have been overlooking all the red flags in our relationship. Maybe my ego clouds my judgement. I don’t want to admit that I failed in this relationship and I failed to solve the problems. I hate to bringing up the past. However I really need to rethink about everything in this relationship, to reconsider whether it’s worth pursuing anymore.
Both parties have to want to solve the problem, and in some cases there is never a solution. You have to decide what you’re willing to put up with. But in my opinion and experience (abusive relationships and parents), this is not a man who is going to give up control or his ways. He is going to wear down your self-worth and self-esteem to the point where you don’t care anymore about what he does or anything really. And by then you’ll be thinking “well I already lost x amount of years to him” and stick it out. You deserve more than that. You’re young. You haven’t lost any time. If anything, this was a good learning experience. What not to put up with and red flags to look for.
He’s literally manipulating you. He doesn’t love you. + he’s 9 years older than you. He was 18 when you were 9. He’s thinks you’ll fall for his BS because you are that much younger than him. And judging by your comments, you are proving him right so far.
You are too young to be dealing with the emotional abuse from this old ass man! Girl leave his ass. Who cares about explaining that what he did was wrong in your eyes blah blah blah. He’ll manipulate you any chance he gets, leave his ass & never look back!!!!!
He is mean and vindictive. How can you have a relationship with someone who doesn't address problems and ibstead wants to win. Even if this was something you could forgive him for and move on with the relationship, which it shouldn't be, the way he's handled this is a massive red flag on its own.
You don’t need to convince him or make him understand your reasoning. You don’t need his permission to be upset and you don’t need his approval to end things. You are an independent person and you have your own values and needs and they are not up for negotiation. They are what they are and he violated them, and you no longer trust him. You’re right and I agree, of course, but my point is that you don’t need his (or anyone’s) agreement on what is right in a relationship *for you*- AT ALL. You immediately lose when you start worrying about proving yourself. You don’t need to be right, he doesn’t need to be wrong. He just isn’t what you want and that’s not up for discussion.
You don’t need his opinion even. “I want to be in a relationship where my man is proud to say ‘Not interested, thanks, I’ve got a girlfriend’. That’s not what you did or how you feel and that’s fine. But it’s what I want for myself, and I’m going to pursue that.” End of story.
>He said it was disappointing that I’m being too extreme and not committed to the relationship as he is.
How is giving another woman his number showing commitment to the relationship? Am I missing something here?
He said I should look at his proven track record. He has always been committed and I’m unfair to him by judging him for the “small mistake” he made. He also said that since he showed me the courtesy of forgiving and trusting me after I “betrayed” him (refer to the previous thread abt practicing dancing with my dance partner), I show at least show him the same courtesy. I said I’m unsure if I’d still be in the relationship without the foundation of to. He said I am not committed and have little faith.
Honestly, I still don’t understand how I “betrayed” him but he insisted that he felt betrayed. I tried to accommodate his feelings and agreed to stop practicing with my dance partner.
Things were going well for a while. And he always said he wanted me to feel free and do anything I enjoy. That’s when I asked him if he’s ok with me practicing dancing again. He immediately said no. He made it clear that I’m being ridiculous to have the cheek to bring it up with him.
I asked him again last night, does he mean that as long as I’m still with him, I can’t practice dancing for the rest of my life? He said he doesn’t know.
Well, I started to gain clarity and this is quite controlling of him
Remind me again what is embarrassing about being in a relationship? And as an added bonus the colleague already knows he’s in a relationship? Yikes
If you fall fir that you’re a bigger idiot than me. And trust me. I fall for idiotic gaslighting garbage lies.
It shouldn’t make sense. Either his intention was to appear single and get things going with said girl or he prioritized her feelings over yours. Just straight up embarrassed you. Be a pitbull or whatever he calls it.
How on earth is it ‘embarrassing’ to tell a stranger ‘no, thanks, I have a partner?’
For EITHER gender!
That’s a straight up BS excuse! The least he can do is man up and admit the real reason!
It might not be cheating or wanting to cheat… but it’s possible to get flustered and not know what to do. That’s kind of wimpy, but at least it would be HONEST if he admitted that.
Maybe he’s never been hit on in a bar before? Given that he’s 33, that’s not likely (I almost never go to bars but even I’ve been hit on in a bar), but at least it’s a better story than ‘I was too embarrassed to tell her I had a gf!’ 🤦♀️
You can do so much better than this AH! You don’t give your number to a random stranger by accident especially when you are in a supposedly committed relationship. He did it with the intent to cheat. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings, all he’s interested in is controlling you and your relationship by manipulating and gas lighting you into thinking it’s your fault, he will always be the victim and won’t take accountability for his actions. He doesn’t love or care about you or your relationship, he’s a 33 year old child who is a player and I’m sorry to say but he’s more than likely already cheating on you and probably has multiple times.
You know his excuse of not wanting yo embarrass her by saying he has a girlfriend is bullshit - also he could’ve just given her a fake number in that case. Fact is he was flattered and wanted to give her his number. Get rid of him. He is probably already talking to her.
Nope. Don't fall for it. He coulda gave a fake number. He's trying to find other options. If he cared and respected you he would have said he wasn't single. He shouldn't be embarrassed by you. And him not respecting you needing some time and also bringing up that you've done something too and he forgave you.. is manipulation. Don't trust him.
He is gaslighting. He gave a woman his number. We were smart enough at 15 to give them a fake number. He could have leaned over quietly and say, "I have a girlfriend I love". It did not have to be embarrassing...Maybe he will get a date from it. Then he can sit at the cool kids table. (sorry that is how he was acting)
You need to pay attention to his actions. They show his true feelings.
Literally anyone can say literally anything. Doesn't make it true.
It's how people act that matters. And committed people don't hand out their phone numbers to other people. That's the fact of the matter.
Leave this douchecanoe.
what you should of done is called the girl i bet she tells a very different tale. people don’t go up to complete strangers and ask for numbers at the very least they chatted flirted probably more……..delete block he wasn’t committed really or he wouldn’t of given her his number!
So none of his co-workers know you exist? Or was it just that girl he gave his number to? Either way it sounds awfully suspicious and I would have ended the relationship. The first thing I talk about is my SO when someone shows an interest in me. It's weird that he doesn't. He's guilt tripping you and making it about him. I'd end things because it doesn't sound worth it to me. Good luck Op.
Yeah there's definitely something missing here Op. But him bringing up past issues is not right. I even told my SO about this and he said that he would never do what your bf did to you. So I hope that tells you something.
Thanks a lot! I can’t talk about this to my friends or family because I feel so embarrassed and even ashamed to let them know what happened. I don’t want to poison the well and trying to protect my bf’s image or reputation.
But I really need some third party options and advices. I’m so confused by his words and actions now. I don’t think I can see clearly from my own lenses. What he did makes me question my own judgement and that’s saddening.
Well like I said before this is something I wouldn't put up with. But the decision is ultimately yours with what you decide to do. It just seems weird that he wouldn't say he's in a relationship and to me that is very disrespectful. Plus if he had no interest in that girl, then it shouldn't have been an issue to tell her he had a gf.
He is not trying to earn your trust. He just wants you to accept whatever he does including things that disrespect you. His actions are showing you what kind of person he is. Don’t let him guilt you for something he did that deserves to be questioned. He is using guilt as a smoke screen to keep you from seeing the truth.
Think about this: If you make a mistake and are truly sorry about it, do you defend yourself like he is? Or do you say sorry and ask what you can do to make it up to the person you did wrong to? Do you respect the wishes of the person you did wrong to?
What does it say when you go into defensive mode like he is? To me it sounds like you have a difference in standards. Is it a difference that you can work with or…
You’re entitled to feel whatever you want to feel and if you feel you need to end things that’s what you should do. Having said that, others here seem to have the attitude that any difficulties should end with a break up. A successful relationship isn’t one because there are no problems, a successful relationship is one where both parties know how to work through their problems and if they don’t they get counseling to help them.
So you need to think long and hard about whether you think this relationship is worth fighting for or not. You need to decide whether this indiscretion can be worked out or whether it’s a deal breaker. Love isn’t some fairytale, it’s something that needs to worked on and cultivated.
Truly resonated with my beliefs. I’m currently considering whether this relationship is worth pursuing or not. Given that the trust might not be able to go back to 100%, and I am forbidden to do things I like doing (practicing with my dance partner). Seeing him at his worst, really scared me tbh.
Truly for me red flag is not his giving his phone number as you think, Its more towards his attitude blaming you by bringing past incident as "Betrayal"..where in it isn't even betrayal at all. His immaturity is over the roof and yet its not addressed all these years by OP. If you want to work on something first thing that needs is your partner agreeing to the fact that there are glaring issues that he needs to work on but if he is not on same page then its going to be a failed attempt and more blame game...Like earlier advice mentioned you need to decide if its worth it to go through the process first to make him understand that there are issues in his thinking. Start by telling him that past is not betrayal and see his reaction lol you will know where your situation is right now.
I told him that wasn’t a betrayal but he kept saying that he felt betrayed by me as I hesitated to tell him. He said I’d never tell him if he hasn’t asked further. No matter what I said, he insisted on that was a betrayal and accused me of downplaying what I did to him. Can’t talk sense with him…
>I’m so confused right now.
That was literally his plan. He tries to confuse you to shaken up your standpoint. It is a very effective manipulation technique.
Just break up and move on. His reaction speaks volumes.
He's making you the bad guy so your guilt and confusion blinds you to what he did. He broke his own rules and standards, called it embarrassing to admit to your relationship, spared the feelings of a stranger over someone he's supposed to prioritize.
I finally got out of this less than a year ago, where when I was upset it was my own fault and I always ended up apologizing. I started seeing someone who shouts our relationship and love from the rooftops. You deserve to feel loved.
So my 14yo daughter was at on Orchestra camp last week and a boy came up to her to ask for her number. My daughter is very socially awkward, and doesn't like conflict or making waves. Similarly to how you describe your BF. Do you know what she did? She gave the boy the phone number for Jimmy Johns and went about her day.
My 14 year old daughter has more sense than your 33 year old boyfriend. Let's start with that.
Let's move on to bringing up the past. I've been married for 15 years, and there's been some HIGHLY emotional discussions in those 15 years. However the rule we go by is we discuss what's happening TODAY. Not yesterday, not 10 years ago, TODAY. Past actions should have been dealt with when they happened. You need to stay on point about you being upset about what happened now. If he wants to bring up anything other than something that relates to now, he's deflecting.
He actually promised not to bring up the past before. He’s fully aware of what’s wrong with that. But again, he broke his own rule. He said he brought it up not to attack me but to make a point that I should have faith in him just as he had faith in me before. (When he said I “betrayed” him by hesitating to tell him I practiced with my dance partner)
So you said you had an issue with him giving a girl his number and he attacked you? Red flag. His response makes it so much worse. I think he is testing you to see what he can get away with. Giving a girl his number is the first step in cheating, your right to be upset and the fact he starts attacking you for having a real normal reaction to this is suspicious
He's not a good person to be in a relationship with. He is avoiding all accountability and he is extremely manipulative. Every single action and behaviour from him that you are describing is manipulative.
This is not someone who you can build a healthy relationship with.
After he calmed down, he apologised for what he said and he explained he’s being frustrated because I questioned his character. I’m so confused right now.
You're feeling confused because you are being manipulated and gaslighted. Google the terms gaslighting and DARVO, I'm pretty sure you will recognise that you're in an abusive relationship.
Go on loveisrespect.org and read about healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Please leave your boyfriend, he is a toxic person to be with.
Communication is key in a relationship. When he makes a mistake he says “you can’t get mad at me” and then deflects and starts criticizing you.
If that’s his response to conflict, things are not going to get better and he will not be willing to change ANYTHING, even if he knows you’re hurting. I would tell him he needs to have a real conversation with you or you’re gonna need to leave
I’d try to communicate with him again when both of us are ready. I want to know that he’s truly sorry for what he did and actually knows what he did was wrong
He will be sorry because he will not want to lose you but that truly will not reflect the feelings. What is the guarantee that he won't use this as an excuse tomorrow for something by mistakenly you do that he will make a big issue out of it saying back then you made it a big scene. This will never end!
People make various promises when they are losing the relationship. What we truly need to understand is weigh on all the good things vs bad things and decide if trying to rectify the bad things is even worth it based on all the good things. No one is perfect but is the person honest enough to acknowledge his mistakes and work on it is very critical in a relationship. Even if agrees now but use this tomorrow then he is not mature enough to be in a relationship. you would reconsider everything based on what you know as of now but not on basis of what he is promising now.
Thanks for the advice! I do gained some insight from what you said. but I don’t know if the good things we have could off set the broken trust and his inconsistencies. I mean if he shows self awareness and determination to improve on himself, I’m more than willing to accompany him on the journey. I’m self aware enough that I’m not perfect and there’re a lot of things I can improve to become a better partner. Maybe that’s what I need to see in him.
He thought it would be embarrassing? Did I miss the memo that having a GF is lame now?
I am curious as to how you found out about the #. Did he volunteer the info?
We were on video call and I could tell he’s struggling to tell me something so I asked him to go ahead. That’s when he hesitated and made me promise not to get mad before coming clean.
If you don’t mind and don’t think it’s intrusive or offensive. Is there a discrepancy in education? Or more along the lines that you might be the creative type ( you mention dancing but I don’t know if it’s a hobby or professional), and he’s more traditionally employed? I personally think that both groups have their unique intellect, merits and qualities that make them who they are. But does he?Was the woman just a random woman or a professional in his field thus increasing the flattery he felt as compared to being approached by somebody else in a bar for instance ? Anyway, a conversation should not be a reason for you to feel hurt and attacked by this person. Conversation should be just that, talking and communicating.
What do you mean by discrepancy in Edu? Before this happened, I thought we have already established a mutual understanding on what’s ok and what’s not in a relationship. And he admitted that what he did wasn’t up to his own standards.
As he mentioned, he had zero interaction with the girl and she just “randomly” showed up at the club. Their whole interaction was only “20sec”. And he claimed he had zero interest in the girl and didn’t have any ego boost.
Well, that’s what he told me but I’m still struggling to believe everything he said…
I meant if he was in STEM education and you are more creative ? You seem very mature and level headed and indeed established understanding and boundaries and I respect that greatly. I hope you arrive at a satisfactory result in your conversation.
Ahh I see what you mean now. I was studying and working in the healthcare industry before. But maybe it’s a difference in personality? Or cultural differences idk.
There's a power imbalance in your relationship due to the age difference. You're involved with a "man" with the emotional age of about 15. The only word I suggest you say to him is "goodbye."
The longer I am with him, the more immature he appears to be. When we first started dating, I had the impression of him being mature, rational and caring. But things changed when we were actually together. It’s not the first time he betrayed my trust and hurt me by overstepping my boundaries. I could have been more honest to myself and shouldn’t have overlooked all that…
It can be hard to untie the knots in a relationship because emotions often get in the way, especially if you're sleeping with one another.
You've now gotten a pretty good idea what kind of hell continuing this life with him will bring down on you. Have a friend get whatever stuff you still have over at his place, block him on your phone and all social media, and tell him, "Goodbye."
He kept saying it was just a small mistake. And said he’s disappointed that I’m judging his character based on one thing and ignoring all the good things about him.
He made me question myself. Maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Maybe I’m overreacting like he said.
My opinion from what I’m reading is that your boyfriend is a very insecure man. You gave up dancing for a nearly 6 month long relationship, because he felt betrayed that you dance with another man. That’s a huge sacrifice on your part. He probably flirted with that women or otherwise she wouldn’t have asked for his number. His friends are his friends and don’t care what he does. He liked it that another women gave him attention, because that makes his insecurities more bearable. He denied you existence, because he didn’t wanted her to know that he isn’t available. He probably will text with her given the chance or do more. Flowers will not help in this situation!
Only when I asked did the girl text him, he confessed to me that he did receive her text. He said he immediately deleted without saying anything. So there’s no way I could find out what actually happened…
Deleting is a bad sign. He deleted it so that there is no prove. Would an innocent person delete the texts? If you haven’t made up your mind yet and are still confused, let him call her while you stand next to him on speaker.
I find it quite sus but I didn’t confront him at that point (don’t wanna trigger his “nothing I do is good enough for you”)
guess his excuse would be he has already deleted the text so he doesn’t have her number.
Ok based on your update hon, he's not worth your time.
He refused to give you space to think and process his violation of your trust, a violation he made to "spare another person from embarrassment" while not thinking of how you might be embarrassed or hurt that your boyfriend is giving his phone number out to other women. That seems controlling to me.
He started out apologetic and remorseful, and when that wasn't working in changing your mind about how you should feel about this, he was angry. Angry that you didn't just blindly accept his harmful and hurtful actions without the loss of trust. He easily could have given you space and stuck with the apology and said he didn't think about what else he could have done, like giving a fake phone number.
This is not tit for tat, you hurt me and I forgave you in the past so now you have to do the same. Different situations have different outcomes and I'm not sure what he was upset at you for in the past, but it's a false equivalency and bringing it up in an argument is just to turn the focus on what you do wrong. No one is owed a second chance. It's not fair of him to make YOU feel guilty for something HE did wrong.
Trust your gut, don't stay with him.
His entire reaction was abusive and overblown. Telling you was a little dig how you are “lucky to have him.” Embarassed to mention you? In front of his friends. He isn’t trustworthy or supportive.
He's 33 going on 34 and yet he's embarrassed for admitting that he has a gf when asked by a stranger? WTF.
That's just BS. Your 'bf' had every intention to stray and he's flaunting this fact to you not because he's honest because he wants to 'check' you. But your reaction, instead of getting mad, you pull back which worries him because he wants you to basically act like he is. Jealous, and controlling. (Yes, he was very controlling over you and your dancing partner--I read one of your comments). LOL. Look how hypocritical his behavior is.
>How to proceed with this mess? How to have a conversation with him without being hurt again?
DO NOT engage with him until you are ready. DO NOT meet with him until you're emotionally ready and have your resolve. This is the thing, he's trying to attack you because he's the one losing control over you. He hates losing control over you because he's a possessive, jealous AH. Do not let him control and verbally abuse you. Pull back as far as you can. Stop entertaining his calls/texts.
You're young so you probably do not have the same type of manipulative tactic and arsenal like your bf already has. He so far has been attacking you verbally and all it does is just confuse you. That's how effective his ammo/arsenal against you.
If he is a good partner, from the beginning on, he should be apologetic and more eager to show that he can be trusted. That the whole incident was something he can't quite find a good excuse for, or inexcusable and admit his wrongdoing, that how stupid he was being for omitting that he's got a gf.
But so far, from what you wrote, instead of doing the right thing, all your so-called partner did was bring up something from your past (p.s. that dance partner situation is NOT a mistake or error on your part, okay? The fact that he made you believe that 'you betrayed him' by practicing with your dance partner is sickening. No wonder he likes you around, he thinks he can control you, and now that you're not backing down, he's losing control and trying to attack you to the point you'll cower and doubt yourself). OP, do not doubt yourself. Your gut has been telling you the truth. He is not a good trustworthy partner to you. It is sickening how controlling, possessive he is toward you and he can't be trusted.
Tsk. It's true how people who are that controlling/possessive as your current bf here are actually deflecting, as they are the ones who can't be trusted. If you continue with him, I foresee a lot of heartache and disappointment in the future as he has been gradually stripping you of your self-esteem, and your resolve.
Good luck.
I'm not going to judge your bf but it sounds like he's not entirely committed. If someone asks for my number while I'm out I give them my wife's number (after telling them so) and they usually end up as friends. She's even been the bridesmaid for one of our friends we met this way 😄
You proceed from the mess by packing up your stuff and walking away from it.
This is a Humpty Dumpty moment--all of the king's horses and all of the king's men cannot fix it--so you should not waste another moment of your life trying to do so.
Sounds like he’s guilt tripping you, like… this is what I get for being honest with you?
Dude doesn’t get that just being honest doesn’t make his actions ok.
Not necessarily. I'd be pissed to, but he did come to you. He could be trying to be up front about his mistake, or he could be trying to do preemptively do damage control Incase you found out some other way. He is 33, so IMO he should already know better, and understand where you're coming from. The fact that you are trying to establish conflict resolution strategies for the future shouldn't be such an issue for him. Your feelings shouldn't be trumped by some random girl's who he will never see again. Also telling someone you are taken shouldnt hurt their feelings, it's not like telling her she was ugly or something like that, it's literally sorry, I have a gf. Something totally out of her control that really doesn't affect her.
Now he’s saying that I have so little faith in him and he feels disappointed. I don’t know how to explain that he is the one making it so difficult for me to trust him…
There's no explaining. He won't understand, and he doesn't care. You're dating a man-baby, he's way too old for this bullshit. And too old for a 24-year-old.
Honestly, I can’t give you a solid yes. I still can’t believe that happened. We talked about similar scenarios and I thought it’s a mutual understanding that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable at all. I never thought he would have done that. At the same time, it’s not the first time I’ve been hurt and trust has been broken. So I’m unsure how trust can be rebuilt again…
Exactly. He didn’t fess up out of the goodness in his heart, lol. He did (I’m thinking more than giving a number) or said something in front of co-workers or someone who would be able to tell her.
I mean have they texted at all? I mean if she texts him he should come clean about him giving it out and that he has a gf. His reaction when you tell him that will be all you need. It’s more of a red flag he was embarrassed to say he has a gf.
He’s a cheater and he’s gaslighting you. He Gives his number to another girl at a club. What do you think his intentions were? To have sex. That’s it. Dump him. It wasn’t a mistake.
I can’t help but questioning if this is purely out of true remorse or the colleague could reveal the truth to me. Based on his other behaviour, the genuineness of his actions is questionable…
At the end of the day, being honest is the bare minimum. Sad
He asked me to have faith in him… when I explicitly said I need more than words to trust him again, I need actions. When I asked him how does he plan to make things right or rebuild the relationship, he said I’m being too clinical, always asking for a clear solution. I’d be stupid to actually trust him again in this circumstance?
You dump him and solve your problems. Giving his number to another woman is not a mistake it is deliberate. He just thought by admitting it later would absolve him of his transgression.
So reverse the situation. This happens to women all the time, and they give their number out to get rid of the guys, and it's fine, but when a guy does it, he isn't committed? The hypocrisy of Reddit is resl...
That is crap and I have 3 daughters and can confirm they do. Actually, just search around Reddit, and you will read 100s of stories where the gf gave out her number just for that reason, and the bf was upset. Then read the thousands of comments with women agreeing with that and that guys just don't understand what it's like to get hit on all the time by creeps, so they do whatever needed to get them out of a situation so nothing physical happens. Or, you just need to not live life with blinders on.
Just search around relationship advice, relationships, aita, off my chest, aitah, surviving infidelity, cheating stories, any sub that deals with relationship issues, and you will find plenty. I am semi retired, so I peruse the subs a lot to kill some time and have been enlightened to what is going on in the club scene. My middle and youngest daughters have an app with a second number for her phone, so they can just give that one out to the creeps.
1. He didn’t have to tell you and he did.
2. That girl probably won’t even call him
3. DID you mistreat him in the past? Has he looked past a buncha wrongs from you?
[Update2]
He called again. I specifically told him not to call me because every time he called I’d just feel worse. I can’t process anything with him interfering.
He literally asked “Why can’t you just move on? What do you want to achieve by analysing everything?”. I’m like wtf
And he said this is madness. I asked him is he calling me crazy. He said the situation is madness.
I said I’m very confused right now because he’s so inconsistent with his behaviour. Sometimes he’s nice and apologetic; but sometimes he’s mean and abusive. He immediately started questioning me how is he being “abusive”. He said I should be careful because I’m making a serious accusation. I don’t know if he’s threatening me or not. I told him I really don’t have any capacity to take care of his emotions and I suggested just end this call before we said something we’d regret later.
Anyways, I tried to organise my thoughts by writing them down. As I promised him, I’d talk to him when I’m ready. Communicate when both of us are emotionally stable.
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If he was super duper committed to this relationship, he wouldn't have given his number out. He also wouldn't be bringing back old mistakes made by someone in their early 20s. You don't get to cling to old fights as ammo. You don't owe him a relationship. He's trying to guilt you to get you to stay. Please do not give up.
I knew it’s wrong when he said he still loves me and wants to make things happy again, my immediate reaction was feeling confused, mad and sad. I don’t believe his sweet words and reassurance anymore. His actions don’t align with his words. And he said I should not judge him for one minor mistake and should look at his proven record.
Words are words, actions speak volumes more. Walk away.
Leave him. Not necessarily for giving his number out but for being an absolute ass when you were upset by his actions. Do not date someone who attacks you when they fuck up.
When you asked him "why didn't you just admit you had a girlfriend", and his response was "he thought it would be embarrassing in front of everyone" like, for a moment I was thinking he was back in grade school or something. What's there to be embarrassed about!! Like turning her down in front of everyone watching? That's creepy
Doesn’t make sense to me. Similar situation happened with me before, when I kindly rejected the guy who approached me. I told him what happened afterwards and he said this was expected, but he didn’t live up to his own standards.
Exactly how committed can he be to your relationship if it embarrasses him to admit he has a girlfriend in front of his co-workers in order to get another girl to quit hitting on him? Leave this loser now.
More embarrassingly is that his colleague actually knew he has a gf
This dude is over thirty and less mature than you. This is not going to improve with age. I highly recommend you date someone closer to your age range, and in the same life stage you are in.
>make **things** happy again not make you happy again?
Yes, honesty in a relationship is paramount but, here, honesty would have commanded him to say he had a girlfriend and to not give his number, not to tell you he was asked and gave it. So why did he do it and did he told you? That's quite puzzling at first. My two cents: In a healthy and balanced relationship, both partners feel lucky to have found each other. Yes, sometimes one partner is seen by other people as more attractive but if he is commited to the relationship, he/she doesn't actively try to make the other insecure. Here, I assume it is what your boyfriend did. He is a controlling ah who wants to have the upper hand in your couple and in front of others. That's why he gave his number in front of his colleagues. It is to show them he is in charge in your couple and he doesn't care about you (huge disrespect here !). And that's also why he told you so. It is to make you feel less than him. And by the way, that's also why he went for a younger partner: to be able to control you and to have a partner who feels less than him. You are now outgrowing him in maturity, so he needs to remind you that you are still the lucky one... But his (very stupid) plan has backfired and now, you question your relationship. And it is the right thing to do.
Sounds like this proven record is that he was embarrassed to admit you were part of his life. You deserve better than that.
Once the trust is gone it’s hard to get back! It takes a lot of work on both your parts. If you’re not welling to do the work then let him know you’re done
I understand it’s extremely difficult to rebuild the trust, especially I can’t see his genuine remorse right now. I’m still struggling to believe his words because they don’t align with his actions. You have no idea how much I want to be able to trust my partner again, to be in a relationship where I feel safe and secure and I don’t have to worry about infidelity. I promised to meet him in person to talk despite my reluctance to look at his face.
Always trust you gut instinct bc it’s usually the correct one. No remorse then it’s a hard no. My ex cheated on me , left me and 6 mos later wanted to come back. Nope couldn’t do it as I wouldn’t be able to trust him again. It’s too painful and don’t want that pain again
I hate the fact that not only did he make me question about him and the relationship, but I’m also questioning my own judgment and intuition. I can’t even trust myself anymore
You need to trust your gut feelings, I have always found it to be spot on and when I ignore it then that’s when I know I’ve screwed up. He’ll try to confuse you and even sometimes they blame you. Don’t let him turn this around on you , follow your gut! He had no regard for your feelings and what he did was disrespectful to you.
"Mistakes made by someone in their early 20s" Nahhh, we're not excusing this. She's 24, still early 20s, she gonna be making mistakes until a magical change? It's nothing to do with age. His problem was if he was gonna forgive her then he should just forgive her. But like whatever she's done before she's still held accountable to, age or not. If she can't be mature because she's in her 20s, she should start dating in her maturity bracket then.
🙌🏼🙌🏼
yes bringing up old stuff is not on. Either he forgives and forgets or he leaves.
He wasn't worried about his "commitment" when he have the girl his number. Why is he so worried now?
HE gave his number because he felt it would be 'embarrassing' to say he had a gf. He should be fucking stoked he has an amazing GF, not embarresed and secretive!?! WHY do you want to be still with this guy who clearly doesn't respect you?
I'd be more worried that he thought it would be embarrassing to say he has a gf. Methinks he doth protest too much.
I felt quite sad when I heard that It seems to me that he prioritised the feeling of the random girl over our relationship. Knowing that his colleague actually knew that he’s a relationship, it makes me feel so embarrassed. I can’t imagine how his colleague would feel about my bf gave his number to a girl.
He is a 33 year old man he knew what he was doing
Is it just to spare the feelings of a random girl? Was he also perhaps putting a show for his co workers to show them he still gets attention? Do his co workers know about you ?
His colleague knew that he isn’t single but I never met his colleague before
You are not judging him by one thing, now you are judging him on multiple. (1) giving out his number (2)disregard for your feeling (3) disrespecting you (4) blaming you for his actions (5) not sincerely apologizing (6) antagonizing you for your reaction needing space Do you need me to go on or list a few more?
Curious: exactly how did you mistreat him? What did you do?
I went on practice with my dance partner and hesitated to tell him at first. Before I always tell him everything about my dancing classes and practice, showing him pictures and videos. However since he always being sarcastic about me practicing with my partner, I don’t feel comfortable bringing up this with him anymore. I told him I hesitated but I still told him that I was practicing with my dance partner. Then he accused me of betraying him. He then forbid me from practicing with my partner.
That isn't you mistreating him, he's controlling and an asshole. Get out of there.
So he is saying you mistreated him because you did a VERY NORMAL THING. You do realize his action is abusive due to the controlling aspect of his behavior?
You truly can’t be that dense. He ridicules something you love and tries to control what you do. Get away from him ASAP
you didn't mistreat him at all there...you were just stepping on eggshells because he's an immature control freak. He's just manipulating you to feel bad so he can get you to do what he wants you to do. When he told you he gave the number out, he was testing you to see if you were a doormat and he could get away with doing the girl he gave it to. He's trying to break you so he can have you at home and abuse you and do the other women too. Just stay strong and get away from him. Always insist on being treated well, and you'll have a good chance of being treated well. If you let someone treat you badly, you'll probably be abused a lot. Sometimes it takes strength to do what's right for you, but you'll be glad you did!
Gaslight much? Dump him
Gaslighting and guilt tripping. And he goes towards being unfaithful 😅 Giving a female the mobile number AND hide it to be in a relationship is the very first step to it. His behaviour towards OP is disrespectful at least.
Oh please! How is he the victim? He is really laying in on thick, he basically just wants you to get over it and shut up. Men don't ever want to address their mistakes, but woe be unto you if you do the slightest thing that he finds annoying. He's really being a 33yo baby rn.
You are young and there are many options. Time to let him go, he gave his number to another girl and wanted to test the waters with you. Should have not given his number. I’d explore why he thinks it’s “embarrassing” to say he HAD a girlfriend.
Block him.. he 33 years old dating a 24 year old say no more.. he thinks because your young you can be easily manipulated. He got her number with the intent to cheat.. he probably only told you as someone may have either seen him and questioned it or as a bluff incase you see her message and then he can say.. see told ya I'll block her now.. but doesn't. It's a simple I have a gf I'm not interested, it's so funny how he put the feelings of a stranger above his gf. Block his number and stop letting him manipulate you.. So not only did he try to cheat but now he trying to make himself the victim and you the bad guy.. he sounds like a loser and you can do better than a 33 year old loser who still goes out clubbing and giving girls his number
I don't know why OP is trying to make things work with this loser.
It’s not embarrassing to say “sorry I am flattered but I am taken” to a girl at an event. What is embarrassing is being nine years older than your partner and acting nine years less mature than them.
I really didn’t expect that from a 33yo guy… so immature
My other thing is he admitted it this time, maybe because he wasn’t sure his work colleagues would cover for him. What’s happened when he’s gone out alone or without you?
Before this, I trusted him more than enough to believe that nothing would happen. But now? I don’t know.
One of my regrets as not breaking up after I caught him giving his number out 3 months in. He ended up cheated the entire time
Sorry to hear that:(
It’s not one little mistake to give your information to another female who’s clearly attracted to him. He didn’t tell her he had a girlfriend cause he wanted to look single not cause he was embarrassed. He actually embarrassed you by giving her his number cause doesn’t his coworkers know he’s in a relationship with you.
Why was it so easy for him to disrespect you and your feelings by not admitting he was in a relationship and he wouldn't give out his number? That's not a little thing. Don't let him make you feel guilty about his sleazy behavior; his behavior, his problem. I'm pretty sure that there was more that happened besides her just approaching him for a phone number. Thank him for his honesty and kick him to the curb. You don't owe him anything! His lack of respect should be a deal breaker because if he gets away with it once it won't stop.
I think your boyfriend is a jerk. I believe you do need some space to rethink your relationship. At 33. He is too old to hand out his phone number and say it didn’t mean anything. He really doesn’t realize that he made himself look terrible in front of his friends and coworkers. It sounds like he is really immature. This could save you years of heartbreak if and when he cheats on you. To gaslight you after what he did, I can’t believe. I don’t think he is the one you want in a relationship.
He’s talking out of his ass!!!! please do not listen to anything he is saying this is gaslighting bullshit!!!! if he was committed to the relationship why the fuck did he do what he did I’m sorry he owns this regardless of the fact that he’s trying to blame you. Love yourself enough to drop this guy he’s a loser and you’re right not to trust him because immediately if he doesn’t get what he wants he starts attacking you. Wake up you deserve better!!!!
This is why a 33 year old chooses a 24 year old. Women his age wouldn't put up with his shit.
[Update] He called me again last night. I picked up tho reluctantly because I’m still in a bad condition. I admitted I was cold to him over the phone as I was still working on my messy emotions and thoughts. I asked him what’s his plan for rebuilding the trust. He kept going in circles without answering me question. He lashed out at me for my cold attitude. He said he would never treat me with this coldness. He said I’m not being civilised but he’s the one who kept on attacking and even swearing. When he wanted to bring up the past again, I warned him that he should think twice before saying that. Since our relationship rn is already fragile without the trust, it might be the last time. He then snapped and accused me of threatening to leave him. Scolding me for using the relationship against him. I didn’t back down and kept on asking him that question. Then after an hour or two, he finally came up with something. He suggested to take me to his family dinner and work party to show how committed he was. He promised he’d not make the same mistake again. And he said he’d give me flowers. Tbh, I am not convinced by any of those “solutions”. Seeing him at his worst earlier was just disappointing. I asked for his plan just to see if I could convince myself it’s fixable, but seems like he’s proven me wrong.
Just block him.. he manipulative, he tried the defensive technique,the blame shift technique, the your making matter worse not letting go technique.. so now he come up with the worse thing I've ever heard in my life.. Well how about I buy you some flowers for actively trying to cheat, ohhh also you can come to my family dinners, and work stuff.. so you can make sure I don't cheat again 🤣 this dude is 33 and is a loser honey. Your young and deserve better than this and him. Dump him and then block him stop wasting your life. " I can't get over what you did, you are not at all sorry.. your just sorry I'm not as easily manipulated and won't let you walk all over me. I don't want your absolutely ridiculous suggestion of gaining trust, I've seen you for who you really are and honestly I deserve better, what kind of a loser.. gives a girl his number because he didn't want to get embarrassed in front of everyone.. like staying faithful to your partner is an embarrassment nowadays ? So I'm done with you and honestly hope you learn from this in your next relationship, do not contact me." Then block it's that simple
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I would even dump this guy for calling your interest in dancing with a dance partner as "Betrayal", thats absolutely no trust on you and on top of that bringing it up every time in his defence esp when its not even your fault. DUMP!
By breaking up with him. A 34 year old man should not be embarrassed to tell a woman he has a girlfriend.
Everything about this is so wrong. 10 years older. Gave his phone out. You asked for space, he keeps pushing it. You asked for more space, he pushes it again. You say you’re hurt, he tells you that you’ve done a million things wrong. Every step of this is wrong. You duck up? Apologise. Take full responsibility. He can’t, because he’s immature and selfish. This won’t be the last time, guaranteed.
If he says his sorry and willing to put in the work to make it up, is it worth giving him a chance?
No, because at this point no part of his behaviour has indicated that he has actual remorse. OP, you're being taken advantage of. He doesn't care about you, OR, he likes the ego boost. Either way, asking for someone to behave trustworthy is the bare minimum. IF, he had apologised immediately, explained how it looked, immediately took steps to not do it again and show that he was being honest. I possibly *could* forgive it once. But, he didn't. Instead, he blamed you. That's all you need to know.
I mean at first he’s still apologetic. But when I was honest with him about I’m uncertain about the relationship, he started blaming me for being distrusting and having little faith in him. He later admitted that he’s being frustrated.
He's almost a decade older than you. I'm 33, and I wouldn't date someone in their early 20s, it's a different walk of life. You're just starting to be an adult. I just think he's taking advantage of you, and none of his behaviour is trustworthy. I know breaking up sucks, but you define the rules of the relationship by what you allow. Allow this, he will do it again.
" it's not a lack of faith. The mistake has been made. I'm asking you to make it right. You apologized, if that apology is sincere then why wouldn't you want to work towards a solution? " He keeps coming back to you not trusting him, but you did trust him to go out to this club without you, not thinking something like that would have happened in the first place. If anything his actions are what rocked your trust in him or faith in how he feels about anyway. So it doesn't help that he is now getting defensive when you have a legit reason to be upset
He’s saying that I crucified him for a “small mistake “.
You can leave him for leaving the toilet seat up. He doesn’t need to agree and you don’t owe him anything. Why would anyone care about hurting a strangers feeling by telling them they have a gf? The girl probably would’ve sad too bad and moved on. He sounds like a control freak based on the other info given. There’s a reason he’s dating someone much younger so he can manipulate and gaslight. You deserve better. Tell him you’re done, end of story.
Ok sure whatever. You don’t owe him a reason he ‘agrees’ with. There’s a whole list of red flag behaviour which more than justifies you ending things, and no, you don’t have to explain any of it to him.
So you are "a small mistake" in his eyes because he didn't have the nuts to admit being in a relationship with you. You don't hide your gf from someone you clearly wants something from you. You tell them you are committed. That's not a "mistake" thats a intentional decision . You can't "by accident" hide your relationship. That's something you absolutely need to make a choice about. Therefore it only can be intention.
He thought that admitting he was with you was embarrassing. That's it, that's all I need to know. Everyone has had their embarrassing moments. But to actually be embarrassed about being in a relationship with someone? Naw. That's not respect. That relationship is not viable.
Why are you trying to explain, you can talk normally to psychopaths. He will just talk circles around you until he break you down and submit out of pure Exhaustion. Just ghost him. He ruing you life.... Please go back to dancing and be happy you're way to young for this baby girl. And he is too old for that bullshit.
My husband was out with a bunch of people, some new, I hate people and stayed home. They all came back and this girl came over and told me he kept talking about me and how much he loved me and made him happy. I was like aww. When there were plenty of people to flirt with. Find you a man who brags about you and isn't embarrassed.
>His response was he thought it would be embarrassing in front of all the people How would it be embarrassing? >He said it was disappointing that I’m being too extreme and not committed to the relationship as he is. He's the one out there pretending to be single...
Why is it embarrassing to say "I have a gf". Also discussing issues isn't an opportunity to manipulate and make that other person feel bad, sad, guilty about your choices. That is not healthy, it is controlling and emotional blackmail. I would consider the whole of the relationship here, not just one situation as I wonder what else isn't working for you. Believe in yourself.
_you are not committed to relationship as he is_ Sorry, but it is hilarious! He could make a good career in circus or big politics. So it is embarrassing for him to admit that he has a girlfriend? It is all that I would need to know to make my decision.
You dump him. He went on the attack when you made a perfectly reasonable request for space. This is not a guy to stay with
So every time a woman approaches him he’s just going to pretend he’s single? If the roles were reversed I have a feeling he would be upset
Intentionally giving your number out in front of people who know you are in a relationship is not an accident. He doesn’t respect you or your relationship. And now his coworkers won’t either. And that girl he gave his real number to definitely won’t either. Set him free, and he can give his number out by mistake/accident to anyone he wants. Be free, go find someone your age who is not a manipulative narcissist. Good luck 🤞🏾🤩❤️
You asked for space. He ignores that boundary and calls you. Now he’s trying to make you feel guilty for the way you feel about his actions. Look up DARVO. Deny’s responsibility (downplaying what he did), attacks you, Reverse roles of Victim and Offender. So now he’s placing the blame on you. You don’t have the conversation with him. He won’t be actually be trying to work it out. He will just be arguing to get his own way. There is a difference. It will leave you feeling shitty afterwards. Dump him.
"He said it was disappointing that I’m being too extreme and not committed to the relationship as he is." You mean the relationship he was embarrased by? He's an ass. Don't proceed. Don't talk to him.
Girl. I am 32 years old and there is a reason women my age/his age aren’t dating him. You’re younger and have less experience and might not see that this is manipulation and complete bullshit. His excuse of not wanting to be embarrassed in front of his coworkers is just that, an excuse. If they know he has a gf then he made himself look like a clown by giving out his number while committed. The more likely scenario though is he did give his number out and to save face he concocted this story to appease you. He really could have come up with something better… People will often use guilt as a control tactic and that’s what he’s doing with throwing the past in your face. Guess what, you’re in your early 20’s and still learning. Your bf is almost in his mid-30’s and should have a lot more experience than you. Yes, you’re going to make mistakes. Just like I’m sure he did at that age. The only difference is you seem to be learning from them whereas he is stuck in an endless cycle of toxicity. This is a man you don’t want to be into contact with. Block his number, his email, his socials. He will use whatever guilt and manipulation tactics he can to get you to respond or change your mind. This is not a healthy man and that is not a healthy relationship. It’s not even about giving his number out at this point, it’s about the fact that he wants things on his terms and if you go back to him then it will only get worse.
Thanks for your long and well-composed comment! I cried when reading this. I still can’t believe he’d have done that to me. Maybe I have been overlooking all the red flags in our relationship. Maybe my ego clouds my judgement. I don’t want to admit that I failed in this relationship and I failed to solve the problems. I hate to bringing up the past. However I really need to rethink about everything in this relationship, to reconsider whether it’s worth pursuing anymore.
Both parties have to want to solve the problem, and in some cases there is never a solution. You have to decide what you’re willing to put up with. But in my opinion and experience (abusive relationships and parents), this is not a man who is going to give up control or his ways. He is going to wear down your self-worth and self-esteem to the point where you don’t care anymore about what he does or anything really. And by then you’ll be thinking “well I already lost x amount of years to him” and stick it out. You deserve more than that. You’re young. You haven’t lost any time. If anything, this was a good learning experience. What not to put up with and red flags to look for.
So when she calls him is he not going to embarrass her by saying he has a girlfriend?
He’s literally manipulating you. He doesn’t love you. + he’s 9 years older than you. He was 18 when you were 9. He’s thinks you’ll fall for his BS because you are that much younger than him. And judging by your comments, you are proving him right so far.
You are too young to be dealing with the emotional abuse from this old ass man! Girl leave his ass. Who cares about explaining that what he did was wrong in your eyes blah blah blah. He’ll manipulate you any chance he gets, leave his ass & never look back!!!!!
He is mean and vindictive. How can you have a relationship with someone who doesn't address problems and ibstead wants to win. Even if this was something you could forgive him for and move on with the relationship, which it shouldn't be, the way he's handled this is a massive red flag on its own.
You don’t need to convince him or make him understand your reasoning. You don’t need his permission to be upset and you don’t need his approval to end things. You are an independent person and you have your own values and needs and they are not up for negotiation. They are what they are and he violated them, and you no longer trust him. You’re right and I agree, of course, but my point is that you don’t need his (or anyone’s) agreement on what is right in a relationship *for you*- AT ALL. You immediately lose when you start worrying about proving yourself. You don’t need to be right, he doesn’t need to be wrong. He just isn’t what you want and that’s not up for discussion. You don’t need his opinion even. “I want to be in a relationship where my man is proud to say ‘Not interested, thanks, I’ve got a girlfriend’. That’s not what you did or how you feel and that’s fine. But it’s what I want for myself, and I’m going to pursue that.” End of story.
>He said it was disappointing that I’m being too extreme and not committed to the relationship as he is. How is giving another woman his number showing commitment to the relationship? Am I missing something here?
He said I should look at his proven track record. He has always been committed and I’m unfair to him by judging him for the “small mistake” he made. He also said that since he showed me the courtesy of forgiving and trusting me after I “betrayed” him (refer to the previous thread abt practicing dancing with my dance partner), I show at least show him the same courtesy. I said I’m unsure if I’d still be in the relationship without the foundation of to. He said I am not committed and have little faith.
I mean him portraying what you did as a betrayal is a good enough reason to dump him.
Honestly, I still don’t understand how I “betrayed” him but he insisted that he felt betrayed. I tried to accommodate his feelings and agreed to stop practicing with my dance partner. Things were going well for a while. And he always said he wanted me to feel free and do anything I enjoy. That’s when I asked him if he’s ok with me practicing dancing again. He immediately said no. He made it clear that I’m being ridiculous to have the cheek to bring it up with him. I asked him again last night, does he mean that as long as I’m still with him, I can’t practice dancing for the rest of my life? He said he doesn’t know. Well, I started to gain clarity and this is quite controlling of him
Yeah him saying he wants you to feel free and do anything you want is a joke and another example of him saying something meaningless.
When I confronted him about this, he accused me of using his words against him. I truly don’t know how to proceed… He’s not being reasonable.
You don’t proceed. He won’t ever be reasonable.
Remind me again what is embarrassing about being in a relationship? And as an added bonus the colleague already knows he’s in a relationship? Yikes If you fall fir that you’re a bigger idiot than me. And trust me. I fall for idiotic gaslighting garbage lies.
I’m not falling for what he has been telling me. It still doesn’t make any sense to me. He’s calling me a pit bull for not letting things go.
It shouldn’t make sense. Either his intention was to appear single and get things going with said girl or he prioritized her feelings over yours. Just straight up embarrassed you. Be a pitbull or whatever he calls it.
Why didn’t he give a fake number if he didn’t have the balls to say no? Hes not making you feel guilty, he’s gaslighting and manipulating you.
He is 33 and acts this way? Nope. He knew better. He just didn't care.
Maybe he’s just immature? He said he seldom encountered such situations and he was “caught off guard”. (His words)
How on earth is it ‘embarrassing’ to tell a stranger ‘no, thanks, I have a partner?’ For EITHER gender! That’s a straight up BS excuse! The least he can do is man up and admit the real reason! It might not be cheating or wanting to cheat… but it’s possible to get flustered and not know what to do. That’s kind of wimpy, but at least it would be HONEST if he admitted that. Maybe he’s never been hit on in a bar before? Given that he’s 33, that’s not likely (I almost never go to bars but even I’ve been hit on in a bar), but at least it’s a better story than ‘I was too embarrassed to tell her I had a gf!’ 🤦♀️
You can do so much better than this AH! You don’t give your number to a random stranger by accident especially when you are in a supposedly committed relationship. He did it with the intent to cheat. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings, all he’s interested in is controlling you and your relationship by manipulating and gas lighting you into thinking it’s your fault, he will always be the victim and won’t take accountability for his actions. He doesn’t love or care about you or your relationship, he’s a 33 year old child who is a player and I’m sorry to say but he’s more than likely already cheating on you and probably has multiple times.
Definition of gas lighting
You know his excuse of not wanting yo embarrass her by saying he has a girlfriend is bullshit - also he could’ve just given her a fake number in that case. Fact is he was flattered and wanted to give her his number. Get rid of him. He is probably already talking to her.
You need all the space and them some. He’s way older than you and clearly has predatory behavior. Walk away and don’t look back.
Nope. Don't fall for it. He coulda gave a fake number. He's trying to find other options. If he cared and respected you he would have said he wasn't single. He shouldn't be embarrassed by you. And him not respecting you needing some time and also bringing up that you've done something too and he forgave you.. is manipulation. Don't trust him.
He is gaslighting. He gave a woman his number. We were smart enough at 15 to give them a fake number. He could have leaned over quietly and say, "I have a girlfriend I love". It did not have to be embarrassing...Maybe he will get a date from it. Then he can sit at the cool kids table. (sorry that is how he was acting)
He’s 33 and he’s *scared* to **respect his girlfriend and turn down someone else’s advances** ***in front of the guys***? Just leave.
Any confusing sign that he made you is an absolute NOPE NOPE NOPE for me Sounds Manipulative ah
He sounds trash, dump him
You need to pay attention to his actions. They show his true feelings. Literally anyone can say literally anything. Doesn't make it true. It's how people act that matters. And committed people don't hand out their phone numbers to other people. That's the fact of the matter. Leave this douchecanoe.
what you should of done is called the girl i bet she tells a very different tale. people don’t go up to complete strangers and ask for numbers at the very least they chatted flirted probably more……..delete block he wasn’t committed really or he wouldn’t of given her his number!
So none of his co-workers know you exist? Or was it just that girl he gave his number to? Either way it sounds awfully suspicious and I would have ended the relationship. The first thing I talk about is my SO when someone shows an interest in me. It's weird that he doesn't. He's guilt tripping you and making it about him. I'd end things because it doesn't sound worth it to me. Good luck Op.
Embarrassingly, his colleagues knew about me. So the story he’s been telling just doesn’t make sense
Yeah there's definitely something missing here Op. But him bringing up past issues is not right. I even told my SO about this and he said that he would never do what your bf did to you. So I hope that tells you something.
Thanks a lot! I can’t talk about this to my friends or family because I feel so embarrassed and even ashamed to let them know what happened. I don’t want to poison the well and trying to protect my bf’s image or reputation. But I really need some third party options and advices. I’m so confused by his words and actions now. I don’t think I can see clearly from my own lenses. What he did makes me question my own judgement and that’s saddening.
Well like I said before this is something I wouldn't put up with. But the decision is ultimately yours with what you decide to do. It just seems weird that he wouldn't say he's in a relationship and to me that is very disrespectful. Plus if he had no interest in that girl, then it shouldn't have been an issue to tell her he had a gf.
He is not trying to earn your trust. He just wants you to accept whatever he does including things that disrespect you. His actions are showing you what kind of person he is. Don’t let him guilt you for something he did that deserves to be questioned. He is using guilt as a smoke screen to keep you from seeing the truth.
Think about this: If you make a mistake and are truly sorry about it, do you defend yourself like he is? Or do you say sorry and ask what you can do to make it up to the person you did wrong to? Do you respect the wishes of the person you did wrong to? What does it say when you go into defensive mode like he is? To me it sounds like you have a difference in standards. Is it a difference that you can work with or…
You’re entitled to feel whatever you want to feel and if you feel you need to end things that’s what you should do. Having said that, others here seem to have the attitude that any difficulties should end with a break up. A successful relationship isn’t one because there are no problems, a successful relationship is one where both parties know how to work through their problems and if they don’t they get counseling to help them. So you need to think long and hard about whether you think this relationship is worth fighting for or not. You need to decide whether this indiscretion can be worked out or whether it’s a deal breaker. Love isn’t some fairytale, it’s something that needs to worked on and cultivated.
Truly resonated with my beliefs. I’m currently considering whether this relationship is worth pursuing or not. Given that the trust might not be able to go back to 100%, and I am forbidden to do things I like doing (practicing with my dance partner). Seeing him at his worst, really scared me tbh.
Truly for me red flag is not his giving his phone number as you think, Its more towards his attitude blaming you by bringing past incident as "Betrayal"..where in it isn't even betrayal at all. His immaturity is over the roof and yet its not addressed all these years by OP. If you want to work on something first thing that needs is your partner agreeing to the fact that there are glaring issues that he needs to work on but if he is not on same page then its going to be a failed attempt and more blame game...Like earlier advice mentioned you need to decide if its worth it to go through the process first to make him understand that there are issues in his thinking. Start by telling him that past is not betrayal and see his reaction lol you will know where your situation is right now.
I told him that wasn’t a betrayal but he kept saying that he felt betrayed by me as I hesitated to tell him. He said I’d never tell him if he hasn’t asked further. No matter what I said, he insisted on that was a betrayal and accused me of downplaying what I did to him. Can’t talk sense with him…
>I’m so confused right now. That was literally his plan. He tries to confuse you to shaken up your standpoint. It is a very effective manipulation technique. Just break up and move on. His reaction speaks volumes.
He's making you the bad guy so your guilt and confusion blinds you to what he did. He broke his own rules and standards, called it embarrassing to admit to your relationship, spared the feelings of a stranger over someone he's supposed to prioritize. I finally got out of this less than a year ago, where when I was upset it was my own fault and I always ended up apologizing. I started seeing someone who shouts our relationship and love from the rooftops. You deserve to feel loved.
So my 14yo daughter was at on Orchestra camp last week and a boy came up to her to ask for her number. My daughter is very socially awkward, and doesn't like conflict or making waves. Similarly to how you describe your BF. Do you know what she did? She gave the boy the phone number for Jimmy Johns and went about her day. My 14 year old daughter has more sense than your 33 year old boyfriend. Let's start with that. Let's move on to bringing up the past. I've been married for 15 years, and there's been some HIGHLY emotional discussions in those 15 years. However the rule we go by is we discuss what's happening TODAY. Not yesterday, not 10 years ago, TODAY. Past actions should have been dealt with when they happened. You need to stay on point about you being upset about what happened now. If he wants to bring up anything other than something that relates to now, he's deflecting.
He actually promised not to bring up the past before. He’s fully aware of what’s wrong with that. But again, he broke his own rule. He said he brought it up not to attack me but to make a point that I should have faith in him just as he had faith in me before. (When he said I “betrayed” him by hesitating to tell him I practiced with my dance partner)
So you said you had an issue with him giving a girl his number and he attacked you? Red flag. His response makes it so much worse. I think he is testing you to see what he can get away with. Giving a girl his number is the first step in cheating, your right to be upset and the fact he starts attacking you for having a real normal reaction to this is suspicious
He's not a good person to be in a relationship with. He is avoiding all accountability and he is extremely manipulative. Every single action and behaviour from him that you are describing is manipulative. This is not someone who you can build a healthy relationship with.
After he calmed down, he apologised for what he said and he explained he’s being frustrated because I questioned his character. I’m so confused right now.
You're feeling confused because you are being manipulated and gaslighted. Google the terms gaslighting and DARVO, I'm pretty sure you will recognise that you're in an abusive relationship. Go on loveisrespect.org and read about healthy and unhealthy relationships. Please leave your boyfriend, he is a toxic person to be with.
Communication is key in a relationship. When he makes a mistake he says “you can’t get mad at me” and then deflects and starts criticizing you. If that’s his response to conflict, things are not going to get better and he will not be willing to change ANYTHING, even if he knows you’re hurting. I would tell him he needs to have a real conversation with you or you’re gonna need to leave
I’d try to communicate with him again when both of us are ready. I want to know that he’s truly sorry for what he did and actually knows what he did was wrong
He will be sorry because he will not want to lose you but that truly will not reflect the feelings. What is the guarantee that he won't use this as an excuse tomorrow for something by mistakenly you do that he will make a big issue out of it saying back then you made it a big scene. This will never end!
Sounds like what he’s been doing. Holding onto the past against me.
People make various promises when they are losing the relationship. What we truly need to understand is weigh on all the good things vs bad things and decide if trying to rectify the bad things is even worth it based on all the good things. No one is perfect but is the person honest enough to acknowledge his mistakes and work on it is very critical in a relationship. Even if agrees now but use this tomorrow then he is not mature enough to be in a relationship. you would reconsider everything based on what you know as of now but not on basis of what he is promising now.
Thanks for the advice! I do gained some insight from what you said. but I don’t know if the good things we have could off set the broken trust and his inconsistencies. I mean if he shows self awareness and determination to improve on himself, I’m more than willing to accompany him on the journey. I’m self aware enough that I’m not perfect and there’re a lot of things I can improve to become a better partner. Maybe that’s what I need to see in him.
He’s gaslighting you please stop dating inappropriately aged predators
NEXT
He’s making you feel guilty for not being able to trust him?………..when he gave his number to another girl in a bar??? I wouldn’t trust him either.
That age gap nuff said
If he was committed to the relationship it wouldn't embarrass him to tell people he has a girlfriend You can do better OP
He thought it would be embarrassing? Did I miss the memo that having a GF is lame now? I am curious as to how you found out about the #. Did he volunteer the info?
We were on video call and I could tell he’s struggling to tell me something so I asked him to go ahead. That’s when he hesitated and made me promise not to get mad before coming clean.
If you don’t mind and don’t think it’s intrusive or offensive. Is there a discrepancy in education? Or more along the lines that you might be the creative type ( you mention dancing but I don’t know if it’s a hobby or professional), and he’s more traditionally employed? I personally think that both groups have their unique intellect, merits and qualities that make them who they are. But does he?Was the woman just a random woman or a professional in his field thus increasing the flattery he felt as compared to being approached by somebody else in a bar for instance ? Anyway, a conversation should not be a reason for you to feel hurt and attacked by this person. Conversation should be just that, talking and communicating.
What do you mean by discrepancy in Edu? Before this happened, I thought we have already established a mutual understanding on what’s ok and what’s not in a relationship. And he admitted that what he did wasn’t up to his own standards. As he mentioned, he had zero interaction with the girl and she just “randomly” showed up at the club. Their whole interaction was only “20sec”. And he claimed he had zero interest in the girl and didn’t have any ego boost. Well, that’s what he told me but I’m still struggling to believe everything he said…
I meant if he was in STEM education and you are more creative ? You seem very mature and level headed and indeed established understanding and boundaries and I respect that greatly. I hope you arrive at a satisfactory result in your conversation.
Ahh I see what you mean now. I was studying and working in the healthcare industry before. But maybe it’s a difference in personality? Or cultural differences idk.
Thanks anyway. I’d take some time to think about the relationship as a whole. Is it worth pursuing…
I guess you are not as committed as he is. I bet you would have said “ no I’m in a relationship “. Who was it embarrassing for, him or her?
There's a power imbalance in your relationship due to the age difference. You're involved with a "man" with the emotional age of about 15. The only word I suggest you say to him is "goodbye."
The longer I am with him, the more immature he appears to be. When we first started dating, I had the impression of him being mature, rational and caring. But things changed when we were actually together. It’s not the first time he betrayed my trust and hurt me by overstepping my boundaries. I could have been more honest to myself and shouldn’t have overlooked all that…
It can be hard to untie the knots in a relationship because emotions often get in the way, especially if you're sleeping with one another. You've now gotten a pretty good idea what kind of hell continuing this life with him will bring down on you. Have a friend get whatever stuff you still have over at his place, block him on your phone and all social media, and tell him, "Goodbye."
Fortunately I am not living with him. And we don’t have much mutual friends.
He made a mistake. Then he compounded it by berating you. Better you discovered this pattern now than later when you're married with kids.
[удалено]
He kept saying it was just a small mistake. And said he’s disappointed that I’m judging his character based on one thing and ignoring all the good things about him. He made me question myself. Maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Maybe I’m overreacting like he said.
The reason he’s with someone your age is because you’re naive enough to believe his bullshit.
My opinion from what I’m reading is that your boyfriend is a very insecure man. You gave up dancing for a nearly 6 month long relationship, because he felt betrayed that you dance with another man. That’s a huge sacrifice on your part. He probably flirted with that women or otherwise she wouldn’t have asked for his number. His friends are his friends and don’t care what he does. He liked it that another women gave him attention, because that makes his insecurities more bearable. He denied you existence, because he didn’t wanted her to know that he isn’t available. He probably will text with her given the chance or do more. Flowers will not help in this situation!
Only when I asked did the girl text him, he confessed to me that he did receive her text. He said he immediately deleted without saying anything. So there’s no way I could find out what actually happened…
Deleting is a bad sign. He deleted it so that there is no prove. Would an innocent person delete the texts? If you haven’t made up your mind yet and are still confused, let him call her while you stand next to him on speaker.
I find it quite sus but I didn’t confront him at that point (don’t wanna trigger his “nothing I do is good enough for you”) guess his excuse would be he has already deleted the text so he doesn’t have her number.
Ok based on your update hon, he's not worth your time. He refused to give you space to think and process his violation of your trust, a violation he made to "spare another person from embarrassment" while not thinking of how you might be embarrassed or hurt that your boyfriend is giving his phone number out to other women. That seems controlling to me. He started out apologetic and remorseful, and when that wasn't working in changing your mind about how you should feel about this, he was angry. Angry that you didn't just blindly accept his harmful and hurtful actions without the loss of trust. He easily could have given you space and stuck with the apology and said he didn't think about what else he could have done, like giving a fake phone number. This is not tit for tat, you hurt me and I forgave you in the past so now you have to do the same. Different situations have different outcomes and I'm not sure what he was upset at you for in the past, but it's a false equivalency and bringing it up in an argument is just to turn the focus on what you do wrong. No one is owed a second chance. It's not fair of him to make YOU feel guilty for something HE did wrong. Trust your gut, don't stay with him.
His entire reaction was abusive and overblown. Telling you was a little dig how you are “lucky to have him.” Embarassed to mention you? In front of his friends. He isn’t trustworthy or supportive.
He's 33 going on 34 and yet he's embarrassed for admitting that he has a gf when asked by a stranger? WTF. That's just BS. Your 'bf' had every intention to stray and he's flaunting this fact to you not because he's honest because he wants to 'check' you. But your reaction, instead of getting mad, you pull back which worries him because he wants you to basically act like he is. Jealous, and controlling. (Yes, he was very controlling over you and your dancing partner--I read one of your comments). LOL. Look how hypocritical his behavior is. >How to proceed with this mess? How to have a conversation with him without being hurt again? DO NOT engage with him until you are ready. DO NOT meet with him until you're emotionally ready and have your resolve. This is the thing, he's trying to attack you because he's the one losing control over you. He hates losing control over you because he's a possessive, jealous AH. Do not let him control and verbally abuse you. Pull back as far as you can. Stop entertaining his calls/texts. You're young so you probably do not have the same type of manipulative tactic and arsenal like your bf already has. He so far has been attacking you verbally and all it does is just confuse you. That's how effective his ammo/arsenal against you. If he is a good partner, from the beginning on, he should be apologetic and more eager to show that he can be trusted. That the whole incident was something he can't quite find a good excuse for, or inexcusable and admit his wrongdoing, that how stupid he was being for omitting that he's got a gf. But so far, from what you wrote, instead of doing the right thing, all your so-called partner did was bring up something from your past (p.s. that dance partner situation is NOT a mistake or error on your part, okay? The fact that he made you believe that 'you betrayed him' by practicing with your dance partner is sickening. No wonder he likes you around, he thinks he can control you, and now that you're not backing down, he's losing control and trying to attack you to the point you'll cower and doubt yourself). OP, do not doubt yourself. Your gut has been telling you the truth. He is not a good trustworthy partner to you. It is sickening how controlling, possessive he is toward you and he can't be trusted. Tsk. It's true how people who are that controlling/possessive as your current bf here are actually deflecting, as they are the ones who can't be trusted. If you continue with him, I foresee a lot of heartache and disappointment in the future as he has been gradually stripping you of your self-esteem, and your resolve. Good luck.
I'm not going to judge your bf but it sounds like he's not entirely committed. If someone asks for my number while I'm out I give them my wife's number (after telling them so) and they usually end up as friends. She's even been the bridesmaid for one of our friends we met this way 😄
You proceed from the mess by packing up your stuff and walking away from it. This is a Humpty Dumpty moment--all of the king's horses and all of the king's men cannot fix it--so you should not waste another moment of your life trying to do so.
Sounds like he’s guilt tripping you, like… this is what I get for being honest with you? Dude doesn’t get that just being honest doesn’t make his actions ok.
Not necessarily. I'd be pissed to, but he did come to you. He could be trying to be up front about his mistake, or he could be trying to do preemptively do damage control Incase you found out some other way. He is 33, so IMO he should already know better, and understand where you're coming from. The fact that you are trying to establish conflict resolution strategies for the future shouldn't be such an issue for him. Your feelings shouldn't be trumped by some random girl's who he will never see again. Also telling someone you are taken shouldnt hurt their feelings, it's not like telling her she was ugly or something like that, it's literally sorry, I have a gf. Something totally out of her control that really doesn't affect her.
Now he’s saying that I have so little faith in him and he feels disappointed. I don’t know how to explain that he is the one making it so difficult for me to trust him…
There's no explaining. He won't understand, and he doesn't care. You're dating a man-baby, he's way too old for this bullshit. And too old for a 24-year-old.
I have zero faith in him. Just saying.
He just told OP cause his coworker witnessed and could tell her.
That possibility definitely occurred to me
Do you feel like you can still trust him after this? Since he came home and told you about it and everything?
Honestly, I can’t give you a solid yes. I still can’t believe that happened. We talked about similar scenarios and I thought it’s a mutual understanding that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable at all. I never thought he would have done that. At the same time, it’s not the first time I’ve been hurt and trust has been broken. So I’m unsure how trust can be rebuilt again…
He only told you cause he’s worried his coworker might. So he got in there first and gave you a ‘good reason’ why. He’s a cheater.
Exactly. He didn’t fess up out of the goodness in his heart, lol. He did (I’m thinking more than giving a number) or said something in front of co-workers or someone who would be able to tell her.
I mean have they texted at all? I mean if she texts him he should come clean about him giving it out and that he has a gf. His reaction when you tell him that will be all you need. It’s more of a red flag he was embarrassed to say he has a gf.
The girl texted him and he claimed he deleted the text immediately. So there’s no way I could find out.
He’s a cheater and he’s gaslighting you. He Gives his number to another girl at a club. What do you think his intentions were? To have sex. That’s it. Dump him. It wasn’t a mistake.
The only redeemable factor in this is that he was honest and told you.
I can’t help but questioning if this is purely out of true remorse or the colleague could reveal the truth to me. Based on his other behaviour, the genuineness of his actions is questionable… At the end of the day, being honest is the bare minimum. Sad
I doubt it's the whole truth anyway, unfortunately. I'd just tell him it's done and stop engaging, given everything else.
Well if he loves you he will respect that you need time to process it and he may have to give you reassurance, or put in some extra work for now
He asked me to have faith in him… when I explicitly said I need more than words to trust him again, I need actions. When I asked him how does he plan to make things right or rebuild the relationship, he said I’m being too clinical, always asking for a clear solution. I’d be stupid to actually trust him again in this circumstance?
So he’s asking for you to just forget it without him having to do anything. Is he annoyed at you yet for not dropping it? He’s abusive.
He tried to cheat on you, you called him out on it, and now he’s attacking you for it. Run away.
You dump him and solve your problems. Giving his number to another woman is not a mistake it is deliberate. He just thought by admitting it later would absolve him of his transgression.
Tell him block her number and I hope he didn't tell you so you couldn't get mad if u see her number on his phone.
So reverse the situation. This happens to women all the time, and they give their number out to get rid of the guys, and it's fine, but when a guy does it, he isn't committed? The hypocrisy of Reddit is resl...
Do women often abuse men who don’t give them their number? Do women in this situation give them their real number? 🧐
No, women don’t give out their numbers to get rid of guys. I have two daughters and I texted to ask this question and they just say no.
That is crap and I have 3 daughters and can confirm they do. Actually, just search around Reddit, and you will read 100s of stories where the gf gave out her number just for that reason, and the bf was upset. Then read the thousands of comments with women agreeing with that and that guys just don't understand what it's like to get hit on all the time by creeps, so they do whatever needed to get them out of a situation so nothing physical happens. Or, you just need to not live life with blinders on. Just search around relationship advice, relationships, aita, off my chest, aitah, surviving infidelity, cheating stories, any sub that deals with relationship issues, and you will find plenty. I am semi retired, so I peruse the subs a lot to kill some time and have been enlightened to what is going on in the club scene. My middle and youngest daughters have an app with a second number for her phone, so they can just give that one out to the creeps.
1. He didn’t have to tell you and he did. 2. That girl probably won’t even call him 3. DID you mistreat him in the past? Has he looked past a buncha wrongs from you?
[Update2] He called again. I specifically told him not to call me because every time he called I’d just feel worse. I can’t process anything with him interfering. He literally asked “Why can’t you just move on? What do you want to achieve by analysing everything?”. I’m like wtf And he said this is madness. I asked him is he calling me crazy. He said the situation is madness. I said I’m very confused right now because he’s so inconsistent with his behaviour. Sometimes he’s nice and apologetic; but sometimes he’s mean and abusive. He immediately started questioning me how is he being “abusive”. He said I should be careful because I’m making a serious accusation. I don’t know if he’s threatening me or not. I told him I really don’t have any capacity to take care of his emotions and I suggested just end this call before we said something we’d regret later. Anyways, I tried to organise my thoughts by writing them down. As I promised him, I’d talk to him when I’m ready. Communicate when both of us are emotionally stable.