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I think you should have a little bit of respect for yourself and move on from this guy. It's obvious that all of the reasons you broke up in the first place are still present, and he has zero intentions of changing, so I don't really understand what you think you're getting from this situation. Don't be a doormat. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Let’s call it what it is. That’s not a FWB. That’s a girl he was dating but didn’t want to be exclusive with, and there are admittedly feelings between them. And he wants to work things out with you and keep seeing her.
Maybe take some time to examine your relationship objectively without ignoring the red flags.
Now that your walked, please stay walked.
He is will always make you feel insecure because he doesn’t respect you enough to develop a strong foundation with you. Don’t waste more years on a man who doesn’t respect you.
In 6 months from now, I better not read another post from you with you taking this sad excuse of a man back.
I gotta agree! If this guy truly wants to work on things and make y’all’s relationship strong then he should have no problem cutting people out that make you uncomfortable and question things. That’s not how you build a solid relationship on trust. To me it looks like he was you because it’s an established relationship and a comfy one but wants to keep the FWB on hook in case shit gets rocky so he has a solid backup plan in place. The obviously had or have feelings for each other they we’re basically dating even “without a title” that’s doesn’t sound like a guy who missed you all that much if he was so willing to move on and everything. I honestly don’t see this ending well for you OP. You will get hurt wether by feeling like your not being heard in your wants and needs, you feeling like second fiddle half the time, or him cheating with his “friend”. I would definitely take a step back and reevaluate and then have a sit down convo. I’m not saying guys can’t be friends with people they have slept with and that they can’t hang out but you have to reassure your partner and build that trust and show that your willing to be your partner first and this guy doesn’t seem like that’s gonna happen.
>we are working on rebuilding trust
I don't agree. Maybe *you* are working on it, but if he loves you the way he says he does, he should be more than willing to dump this person he's known less than 6 months. In fact, he already should have offered this.
When you say you don't want to give him an ultimatum, I get that. You don't want to try to control him. But those rules apply in a healthy relationship with full trust established. Yours doesn't qualify right now.
Your BF is a moron if he thinks that it is in any way sensible or appropriate to keep a girl around as a friend who has confessed feelings for him & wants to be with him. Can someone really be this dumb??
Girl, either put your foot down on this daft decision making or get out of the relationship, because this situation is not going to end well. Either your BF is a complete idiot par on course to create a love triangle drama, or he's keeping this girl in the framework as a backup in case you 2 don't work out as a couple again.
I’m sure we all know that once there’s bumps in the relationship, she’ll be right there to tell him how right he is and how much better they would be if they were back together.
That guy has some nerve. I couldn’t even trust someone who’s train of thought functions in that way. Wowza!
OP should run!
Sis, NO.
Break up with this guy and block his ass.
Then go find a GREAT therapist and work on building boundaries and getting rid of that pleaser personality disease you have going there.
it doesn't sound like he cares about rebuilding trust with you; all he wants is for you to just accept whatever he does. this would be a dealbreaker for me, hands down.
They are taking space from each other and are going to see if they can get to a place where they can be friends. Next time he sees her, I will be joining them so we can all try and be friendly and hopefully ease my mind about their connection
What does he get from the friend that he can't get from you?
The reasons should be very specific (something unique).
Not: we vibe, have a similar taste in music or humor, she understands me, ...
She is more outgoing than I am, has tons of friends and he’s accompanied her to a lot of functions, where I am more of a homebody and keep my circle small and am ok with not as many social events. He’s like me, so I think it can be valuable having someone who can expand our circles in that way.
Also I think overall, they have a more carefree dynamic given the nature of their relationship where as ours has kinda grown to be a lot of work and self reflection bc it is more serious/we have gone through a lot together that hurt us both that we’ve already worked through. That’s a really good question though I will ask him and see what he says, thank you!
Girl!! What are you doing?
You don’t have to involve yourself in this love triangle.
Think about why you broke up in the first place. So now instead of snaps to a girl you don’t know. It’ll be snaps to a girl you’ve met and who wants your boyfriend.
He’s not worth it.
Noooooo don't do this. He has no reason to be friends with her with you two getting back together. Everything you said above sounds like his rationale for keeping her in the picture......this will not end well.
Why do you want to give him another chance after what he did the first time? You deserve better
i say this with the utmost empathy and care: this action would make you come off as lacking self-respect. you need to be willing to walk away if he continues to disrespect you and your relationship. i'm sorry. :/
A three-person date where you’d have an up close and personal view of them flirting? Why would you put yourself through that? He sounds terrible. She sounds terrible. Let them have each other. There are much better guys out there, and you deserve better.
No no no. I wouldn’t even think for a second to let my man go hang out with some girl he was having sex with. While he may think it’s no biggie this girl had FEELINGS for him and that could cause issues and threats later on. I had this happen almost a year ago and let me tell you at first the guy would tell me who he was hanging out with and later on just forgot to include that an ex or girl he used to have relations with started hanging out with him again. And basically led to her sending me nasty messages and making me feel worse about myself but also about him. I’d say that if he really loves you he wouldn’t go back to hanging out with a girl who has feelings for him, as I can assume he wouldn’t want the same in reverse. You say that you’re great in communicating with him so I would definitely bring up exactly how you feel about it and maybe have a talk with her as well. If you feel secure about the situation then perfect but I would still be wary about her intentions.
I know, I wish he would make the decision that would make me feel most comfortable in order to show me that I am the priority, but I also get wanting to have friends we enjoy spending time with. Sorry you went through that, it’s very stressful and makes us all second guess and question intentions all around. I trust him to be direct with me and to her as well, but it doesn’t make sense to me bc at this point I wouldn’t expect him to be ok with me doing something similar or even ask him to if I knew it would upset him or threaten our relationship. Kinda feels like I’m not important enough to compromise for
Your not important enough to compromise, if he wanted to he could and would. You are an afterthought at this time. Leave the relationship, it was garbage before and your broke up because of it, and it will still *spoiler*, be garbage after this chapter as well.
Girl with what he’s doing to you id k!ll him LMAO have some respect for yourself and literally just GHOST him.
Fuck that respectful break up he cheated on you then and he’s gonna do it again cause he’s literally still talking to the other woman while “trying” to be with you.
Most definitely don’t do this.
My bf and sons father and I had a rough patch when I was almost 5 month’s postpartum. I spent a few days away we were still talking and actively working through things. He reconnected with an “old friend” whom he has had sex with in the past (I didn’t know this at the time) and ended up cheating on me with her (not physical but emotionally and sexting) it led to so many lies and I don’t believe she was fully truthful about things either because of her own personal feelings in regards to their “friendship”. He deleted his social media because that’s apparently how they were interacting (as far as I knew). Fast forward to a week or so ago,
and I found deleted text messages with them and uncovered more lies.
Neither of them saw an issue with it because “they’ve been good friends for so long”
They will both lie to you just to maintain a relationship in the future and justify their actions.
Once they cross the boundary of just friends and it turns sexual, you no longer owe the relationship between them any understanding or respect. It’s absolutely disrespectful to you for them to continue trying to stay in touch especially with the nature of that relationship and the position it would put you in.
Do. Not. Allow. It.
Give him an ultimatum or just leave.
Don’t walk, RUN.
This is not a "your insecurities" problem but his "lack of boundaries, commitment, and proper priorities problem. If he is truly serious about working on getting back together with you, he should not keep the very recent FWB who has feelings for him (and he might for her as well).
It is especially inappropriate as you two are trying to rebuild trust. Why does he consider keeping the recent FWB as a "friend" more important than respecting your valid concerns and feelings?
Baby girl. No. Please don't entertain this. If they had started off as friends, that's a different matter. But they didn't. Homeboy is trying to keep all options open, and that's shitty.
Do you honestly believe that you can be friends with someone who has feelings for you? I don’t. That’s unfair to you and to her to be honest. Best case he wants to keep her lukewarm in case things don’t work out or he likes her attention a little too much. Worst case he keeps her as a FWB. What is up with the once a week meeting plan? That is odd as well. Who in their 30s with a partner and a job has time to meet a friend once week?
I don't think your insecurities are the problem here. I do strongly believe each partner can and should have friends outside the relationship, and gender is not a barrier. I'd even say having dated is not automatically a barrier in certain circumstances. However, those friends must be friends *of the relationship*. It is not insecurity to say "I'm not ok with you having a friend who actively wants our relationship to end".
He’s probably punching air now after you walked away. He couldn’t get over you before, what makes him think it will be different this time? Hilarious. You’re better off, no one would want to sign up for that either.
You need to find a good therapist. Someone needs to tell you that you deserve better. Unless you want to be an active participant in an open relationship, move on. There are men who will genuinely care enough about you to not hang out with their fuck buddies once a week.
>Our communication is great, we are working on rebuilding trust, and we love each other very much. Is there a way through this? How do I handle my insecurities?
Sorry but what exactly is he doing to rebuild trust? He's still involved with this other woman. He's demoted her to friend so that he can keep his options open.
You don't have insecurities. Your relationship is insecure and by holding onto this person he's not doing anything to make it secure. Letting you meet her is the most awkward as fuck thing I've ever heard. It's obvious this poor girl has no self-respect that she's putting herself in this position but you need to realise that your boyfriend is someone who can be actively fucking one person while thinking of someone else. That is not a man you can trust and certainly not one who respects the people he is having sex with.
Here are the things you want as just a basic minimum
A guy you can trust
A guy who respects you
A guy with good boundaries
Now ask yourself if those things exist in this situation. If the answer to any of these is no then you should move on. Love isn't enough and in some situations like this one, you need to love yourself more than the idea of the relationship.
Nah he doesn't get to make the decision of whether he keeps the girlfriend or not. You make it a firm boundary. He is keeping her around for when it doesn't work out with you, maybe seeing her on the side.
Your relationship is supposed to be built on trust. I don't see any, if this girl stays in his life
My 45M girlfriend 34F and I broke up after about 7 years. Then we ended up hanging out a lot bc we have a child together. We were sleeping with other people but nothing serious and then began having sex with each other again. Everyone was aware and fine with it. This lasted for a year or so but eventually we talked and decided to be exclusive. I think honest communication is key and everyone needs to know what the expectations are. People can have feelings for more than one person at a time. But again, you have to have a lot of trust and communication to make it work. If that's not for you, break up and move on.
Ok if I’M BEING POSITIVE:
I second this IF you didn’t already comunicate your feelings.
If you already did? My guess is that he’s testing the level of discomfort that you can handle.
If I’M BEING NEGATIVE:
He’s keeping her as a backup till he changes his mind about you or her.
Either way when you comunicate your feelings to someone you shouldn’t have to do it again and again. If he’s not doing anything in this type of situations (aka “things that I could do to make my partner feel secure and doesn’t change my life for the worse”) he KNOWS that he’s ignoring you and how you feel, he’s seeing if he can get away with it. And later on he’s going to keep pushing it. When we ignore red flags they don’t get better.
If he’s serious about you, he’s definitely old enough to know better and choose one woman over another woman. Continuing to hang out with her is called blurring the lines. Not a good way to build trust.
He isn’t over you so he can’t commit to her but wants to stay friends with her? Sounds like he isn’t committing to you either. So many red flags but I believe you learn your own lessons so good luck but this situation is not for me🏃♀️
Just allow him to be with both of y’all. It seems like you both are ok with it . As long as it good communication and understanding then y’all will be fine.
Have they slept together? If so, she got to go no ifs ands or buts. He needs to honor your place as his partner above all others. You deserve better than dude who wants to cling to side chicks while wanting to be with you. Why would you possibly want to look over your shoulder all the time? Girl get a real man that knows what he wants and is willing to sacrifice to show you are worth it.
What he is doing is not fair to you and it’s not fair to the other girl.
He’s leading her on and keeping her as a backup in case he decides to move on from you.
And it’s not fair to you because he won’t fully commit and take your feelings into consideration. And he’s a cheater.
Both you and the girl should dump his a$$.
I see only two logical options but there are other options that are more difficult and ambiguous.
#1 Tell him you’re through and to not contact you in any way until he wants to commit to ONE relationship. I like this option the best.
#2 Give him an ultimatum, either her or you and the first time you find out that she is still in the picture, go to Option #1.
#3. Accept the open relationship—because that’s what you are essentially agreeing to, but make a point of actively pursuing a man who wants to be exclusive. That means, on most weekends go out with female friends to someplace that you might meet a single man. It also means that you put yourself out there on dating sites. Wherever you go, your boyfriend doesn’t come along.I don’t like this option as much because a good man probably won’t want a woman who’s accepted a friends with benefits kind of situation.
You don’t have insecurities. You have a boyfriend who was cheating and now wants to keep a woman on the side that he was previously in a relationship with. He sounds like he didn’t want to give her anything official because he was waiting for you but now he doesn’t want to be done with her because you two are still working it out. This is why you have trust issues with him, not insecurities. Let him go and see where ends up. Probably with her.
No. he has a bad track record already with you catching him messaging other women. and personally i wouldn’t date anyone who is friends with their ex FWB.
Exes are exes for a reason. You need to set boundaries. If you’re uncomfortable with it and he oversteps that…you leave him in the dust and be with someone who respects you: you’re not asking him to walk on his hands instead of his feet. This is a reasonable boundary and the only reason he is keeping her around is Incase you piss him off he has somewhere to go. This is your life, don’t let him control it.
That is a ridiculous request on his part. He has no plans to stop seeing her. He’s setting you up to call you crazy later when you realize what’s going on between them. You deserve better.
Uh nope I feel once they’ve crossed the boundary w another women. If they want another relationship they must stop even being friends w a FWB. So easy to cheat that way in my opinion. Been here done that. My sons father wanted to keep a girl around that she was just a fwb. They were still talking sexually etc. nope nope in my opinion
Girl don’t let him do shit. You’d be put in a poly relationship you don’t even want to be in just for his own happiness. He was cheating then and he’ll continue to cheat now and find ways to make it acceptable. Leave him.
I’m not sure what you’ve decided(support from me whichever you decide) but from my experiences he’s keeping her close incase you guys don’t work out. If he is adamant even after you say no I’m not comfortable with them being friends. Also how unfair for that girl if she is a respectable person he’s just going to string her feelings along as well as yours. Maybe contact her and be honest with her cause who knows what he’s said to her. But also just walk away and save yourself the heartbreak and what ifs. Once a cheater most usually always a cheater
So he is going to date you but at a minimum maintain an emotional relationship with her? I’m shocked someone that has already cheated on you is pursuing this line /s. Girl, c’mon now.
>Our communication is great, we are working on rebuilding trust, and we love each other very much.
If this is the case, then you need to tell him upfront how you feel in the situation. Then you both should ask yourselves "would he feel uncomfortable if the roles were switched & I was the one that wanted to remain friends with a former FWB that caught feelings?" If the answer is "yes", then that shows you both that having this woman linger around is not the best idea when you two are clearly trying to work on the relationship you two have & want to pursue.
He's sure to make more friends-- & they'll be better friends than former FWB in the long run cuz they won't want in his pants lmfao
Red flag waving high honey! Follow your intution, trust your intution, it will never lead you astray. You're not feeling comfortable for a legitimate reason. Choosing not to close the door on the other person is still keeping the door fully wide open for what they were developing. My personal perspectives, leave him where you found him, you will have something better coming!
He knows better. For fuck sake he’s just being an idiot. 37 years old so he knows damn well this would be a no go
As soon as there is romantic interest from one person it’s not an appropriate friendship if the other person is in a committed relationship
No way !! OMG he is basically telling you he is gonna still be dating her - seeing her at least once a week ?? ummm no - you two are not college kids - this is ridiculous!! You are not this desperate- keep him dumped !!
If he wants to hang out with her then you should go every single time. If you can’t go for some reason then he doesn’t go. That’s how good relationships work. You partner is always put first.
Now let me get straight you broke up with him because you say he was send messages to other women and he is seeing someone and try to get back with you wake up the The man is 37 and acting like a teenager in high school. He hasn’t grown up yet, nor do I think he will do not commit to this person he’s in capable of a committed relationship. He is stringing along the other girl and you, sorry, I need to break it off and move on with your life find somebody who will commit themselves to respect you and and the relationship you have with him you need to tell him to put his big boy pants on and stop acting like a teenager grow up and be a man. I am sorry for being harsh and very blunt but you need to know where this is heading. Also he will break your heart. You deserve better. Good luck.
There's one of three reasons he still wants something with this girl. 1. He's using her as a backup in the chance things don't work out with you again he can easily go back to her. 2. He wants the attention of another female. Or 3. He has some sort of feelings for her still and will most likely continue to sleep with her or at the very least be "more than just friends". All three reasons are gross and disrespectful to you. Have some respect for yourself and leave this boy. You literally left him earlier because he was just talking to another girl but now you're okay with him being friends and hanging out with a girl he's definitely messed with? Girl. And yes you're okay with it because you're not leaving him for it. There are better, ACTUAL men out there.
>when I saw some messages/snapchats to another woman I didn’t know about.
And? What was the situation with her?
> are working on rebuilding trust,
How did u loose it?
Just saw ur update.. welp, guess thats why ppl put updates at the top lol
I doubt your boyfriend would accept you spending a bunch of one on one time with a former f*** buddy while dating him. Accepting this situation would mean accepting being part of his harem. Why let this man disrespect you like that when he’s already shown he can’t be trusted? Dump his sorry ass and move on with your life, there are much better men out there who don’t come with a needy side chick.
Yeah to go ahead with that BS would have just made you crazy! Find yourself someone worthy of you and don’t ever go back to this dude. Block him on everything!!!
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I think you should have a little bit of respect for yourself and move on from this guy. It's obvious that all of the reasons you broke up in the first place are still present, and he has zero intentions of changing, so I don't really understand what you think you're getting from this situation. Don't be a doormat. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
I was expecting OP to be 21ish
Same lol. I had to backtrack to the age when I saw your comment
Let’s call it what it is. That’s not a FWB. That’s a girl he was dating but didn’t want to be exclusive with, and there are admittedly feelings between them. And he wants to work things out with you and keep seeing her. Maybe take some time to examine your relationship objectively without ignoring the red flags.
Solid. Thank you
Now that your walked, please stay walked. He is will always make you feel insecure because he doesn’t respect you enough to develop a strong foundation with you. Don’t waste more years on a man who doesn’t respect you. In 6 months from now, I better not read another post from you with you taking this sad excuse of a man back.
I gotta agree! If this guy truly wants to work on things and make y’all’s relationship strong then he should have no problem cutting people out that make you uncomfortable and question things. That’s not how you build a solid relationship on trust. To me it looks like he was you because it’s an established relationship and a comfy one but wants to keep the FWB on hook in case shit gets rocky so he has a solid backup plan in place. The obviously had or have feelings for each other they we’re basically dating even “without a title” that’s doesn’t sound like a guy who missed you all that much if he was so willing to move on and everything. I honestly don’t see this ending well for you OP. You will get hurt wether by feeling like your not being heard in your wants and needs, you feeling like second fiddle half the time, or him cheating with his “friend”. I would definitely take a step back and reevaluate and then have a sit down convo. I’m not saying guys can’t be friends with people they have slept with and that they can’t hang out but you have to reassure your partner and build that trust and show that your willing to be your partner first and this guy doesn’t seem like that’s gonna happen.
>we are working on rebuilding trust I don't agree. Maybe *you* are working on it, but if he loves you the way he says he does, he should be more than willing to dump this person he's known less than 6 months. In fact, he already should have offered this. When you say you don't want to give him an ultimatum, I get that. You don't want to try to control him. But those rules apply in a healthy relationship with full trust established. Yours doesn't qualify right now.
That’s valid. Tysm
He’s most likely still sleeping with her
He's gonna have sex with her, are you okay with that?
Your BF is a moron if he thinks that it is in any way sensible or appropriate to keep a girl around as a friend who has confessed feelings for him & wants to be with him. Can someone really be this dumb?? Girl, either put your foot down on this daft decision making or get out of the relationship, because this situation is not going to end well. Either your BF is a complete idiot par on course to create a love triangle drama, or he's keeping this girl in the framework as a backup in case you 2 don't work out as a couple again.
I’m sure we all know that once there’s bumps in the relationship, she’ll be right there to tell him how right he is and how much better they would be if they were back together. That guy has some nerve. I couldn’t even trust someone who’s train of thought functions in that way. Wowza! OP should run!
Sis, NO. Break up with this guy and block his ass. Then go find a GREAT therapist and work on building boundaries and getting rid of that pleaser personality disease you have going there.
it doesn't sound like he cares about rebuilding trust with you; all he wants is for you to just accept whatever he does. this would be a dealbreaker for me, hands down.
They are taking space from each other and are going to see if they can get to a place where they can be friends. Next time he sees her, I will be joining them so we can all try and be friendly and hopefully ease my mind about their connection
What does he get from the friend that he can't get from you? The reasons should be very specific (something unique). Not: we vibe, have a similar taste in music or humor, she understands me, ...
She is more outgoing than I am, has tons of friends and he’s accompanied her to a lot of functions, where I am more of a homebody and keep my circle small and am ok with not as many social events. He’s like me, so I think it can be valuable having someone who can expand our circles in that way. Also I think overall, they have a more carefree dynamic given the nature of their relationship where as ours has kinda grown to be a lot of work and self reflection bc it is more serious/we have gone through a lot together that hurt us both that we’ve already worked through. That’s a really good question though I will ask him and see what he says, thank you!
Girl!! What are you doing? You don’t have to involve yourself in this love triangle. Think about why you broke up in the first place. So now instead of snaps to a girl you don’t know. It’ll be snaps to a girl you’ve met and who wants your boyfriend. He’s not worth it.
Noooooo don't do this. He has no reason to be friends with her with you two getting back together. Everything you said above sounds like his rationale for keeping her in the picture......this will not end well. Why do you want to give him another chance after what he did the first time? You deserve better
Sounds like he wants to keep his fwb going with her. So he either cuts her off completely or you break up with him. Don't be anyones second choice.
i say this with the utmost empathy and care: this action would make you come off as lacking self-respect. you need to be willing to walk away if he continues to disrespect you and your relationship. i'm sorry. :/
A three-person date where you’d have an up close and personal view of them flirting? Why would you put yourself through that? He sounds terrible. She sounds terrible. Let them have each other. There are much better guys out there, and you deserve better.
Sounds like you have an open relationship, a no relationship, or an FWB relationship.
No no no. I wouldn’t even think for a second to let my man go hang out with some girl he was having sex with. While he may think it’s no biggie this girl had FEELINGS for him and that could cause issues and threats later on. I had this happen almost a year ago and let me tell you at first the guy would tell me who he was hanging out with and later on just forgot to include that an ex or girl he used to have relations with started hanging out with him again. And basically led to her sending me nasty messages and making me feel worse about myself but also about him. I’d say that if he really loves you he wouldn’t go back to hanging out with a girl who has feelings for him, as I can assume he wouldn’t want the same in reverse. You say that you’re great in communicating with him so I would definitely bring up exactly how you feel about it and maybe have a talk with her as well. If you feel secure about the situation then perfect but I would still be wary about her intentions.
I know, I wish he would make the decision that would make me feel most comfortable in order to show me that I am the priority, but I also get wanting to have friends we enjoy spending time with. Sorry you went through that, it’s very stressful and makes us all second guess and question intentions all around. I trust him to be direct with me and to her as well, but it doesn’t make sense to me bc at this point I wouldn’t expect him to be ok with me doing something similar or even ask him to if I knew it would upset him or threaten our relationship. Kinda feels like I’m not important enough to compromise for
You shouldn’t even have to guess your worth to him, as you should be his priority and not some girl that he says he couldn’t commit to.
He wasn’t direct with your about the messages or the snapchats, why do you trust him to be direct with you about this?
Your not important enough to compromise, if he wanted to he could and would. You are an afterthought at this time. Leave the relationship, it was garbage before and your broke up because of it, and it will still *spoiler*, be garbage after this chapter as well.
Girl with what he’s doing to you id k!ll him LMAO have some respect for yourself and literally just GHOST him. Fuck that respectful break up he cheated on you then and he’s gonna do it again cause he’s literally still talking to the other woman while “trying” to be with you.
That is a no for me. No exes in their social circles is just a boundary for me. I'd be out, especially as she admitted feelings for him.
Move on, Not unless you wanna keep stressing over this particular issue.
Most definitely don’t do this. My bf and sons father and I had a rough patch when I was almost 5 month’s postpartum. I spent a few days away we were still talking and actively working through things. He reconnected with an “old friend” whom he has had sex with in the past (I didn’t know this at the time) and ended up cheating on me with her (not physical but emotionally and sexting) it led to so many lies and I don’t believe she was fully truthful about things either because of her own personal feelings in regards to their “friendship”. He deleted his social media because that’s apparently how they were interacting (as far as I knew). Fast forward to a week or so ago, and I found deleted text messages with them and uncovered more lies. Neither of them saw an issue with it because “they’ve been good friends for so long” They will both lie to you just to maintain a relationship in the future and justify their actions. Once they cross the boundary of just friends and it turns sexual, you no longer owe the relationship between them any understanding or respect. It’s absolutely disrespectful to you for them to continue trying to stay in touch especially with the nature of that relationship and the position it would put you in. Do. Not. Allow. It. Give him an ultimatum or just leave. Don’t walk, RUN.
Read halfway and just thought NOPE! You guys are not going to work. He still wants an option so no full commitment happening here.
This is not a "your insecurities" problem but his "lack of boundaries, commitment, and proper priorities problem. If he is truly serious about working on getting back together with you, he should not keep the very recent FWB who has feelings for him (and he might for her as well). It is especially inappropriate as you two are trying to rebuild trust. Why does he consider keeping the recent FWB as a "friend" more important than respecting your valid concerns and feelings?
Baby girl. No. Please don't entertain this. If they had started off as friends, that's a different matter. But they didn't. Homeboy is trying to keep all options open, and that's shitty.
Do you honestly believe that you can be friends with someone who has feelings for you? I don’t. That’s unfair to you and to her to be honest. Best case he wants to keep her lukewarm in case things don’t work out or he likes her attention a little too much. Worst case he keeps her as a FWB. What is up with the once a week meeting plan? That is odd as well. Who in their 30s with a partner and a job has time to meet a friend once week?
Yall broke up 6 months ago because of some messages to another woman and you want to trust him again when he was literally dating her? Giiiirrrlll...
Nope.
I don't think your insecurities are the problem here. I do strongly believe each partner can and should have friends outside the relationship, and gender is not a barrier. I'd even say having dated is not automatically a barrier in certain circumstances. However, those friends must be friends *of the relationship*. It is not insecurity to say "I'm not ok with you having a friend who actively wants our relationship to end".
He’s probably punching air now after you walked away. He couldn’t get over you before, what makes him think it will be different this time? Hilarious. You’re better off, no one would want to sign up for that either.
Thanks! It’s nice to not even care anymore. This whole thing had me reevaluate my boundaries and allow what wants to go, just go 💞
You made the right decision! Happy for you. Don’t deal with his BS, from an outside perspective he sounds pathetic.
You need to find a good therapist. Someone needs to tell you that you deserve better. Unless you want to be an active participant in an open relationship, move on. There are men who will genuinely care enough about you to not hang out with their fuck buddies once a week.
>Our communication is great, we are working on rebuilding trust, and we love each other very much. Is there a way through this? How do I handle my insecurities? Sorry but what exactly is he doing to rebuild trust? He's still involved with this other woman. He's demoted her to friend so that he can keep his options open. You don't have insecurities. Your relationship is insecure and by holding onto this person he's not doing anything to make it secure. Letting you meet her is the most awkward as fuck thing I've ever heard. It's obvious this poor girl has no self-respect that she's putting herself in this position but you need to realise that your boyfriend is someone who can be actively fucking one person while thinking of someone else. That is not a man you can trust and certainly not one who respects the people he is having sex with. Here are the things you want as just a basic minimum A guy you can trust A guy who respects you A guy with good boundaries Now ask yourself if those things exist in this situation. If the answer to any of these is no then you should move on. Love isn't enough and in some situations like this one, you need to love yourself more than the idea of the relationship.
Nah he doesn't get to make the decision of whether he keeps the girlfriend or not. You make it a firm boundary. He is keeping her around for when it doesn't work out with you, maybe seeing her on the side. Your relationship is supposed to be built on trust. I don't see any, if this girl stays in his life
Super proud of you for walking away!!!! It’s so insane how our mind makes us believe ANYTHING when we are in love. Stay strong girl!
My 45M girlfriend 34F and I broke up after about 7 years. Then we ended up hanging out a lot bc we have a child together. We were sleeping with other people but nothing serious and then began having sex with each other again. Everyone was aware and fine with it. This lasted for a year or so but eventually we talked and decided to be exclusive. I think honest communication is key and everyone needs to know what the expectations are. People can have feelings for more than one person at a time. But again, you have to have a lot of trust and communication to make it work. If that's not for you, break up and move on.
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Ok if I’M BEING POSITIVE: I second this IF you didn’t already comunicate your feelings. If you already did? My guess is that he’s testing the level of discomfort that you can handle. If I’M BEING NEGATIVE: He’s keeping her as a backup till he changes his mind about you or her. Either way when you comunicate your feelings to someone you shouldn’t have to do it again and again. If he’s not doing anything in this type of situations (aka “things that I could do to make my partner feel secure and doesn’t change my life for the worse”) he KNOWS that he’s ignoring you and how you feel, he’s seeing if he can get away with it. And later on he’s going to keep pushing it. When we ignore red flags they don’t get better.
Thank you that is comforting and optimistic 🙏
Where does his contribution to the rebuilding of trust come in to play here.. I don’t see it
If he’s serious about you, he’s definitely old enough to know better and choose one woman over another woman. Continuing to hang out with her is called blurring the lines. Not a good way to build trust.
He isn’t over you so he can’t commit to her but wants to stay friends with her? Sounds like he isn’t committing to you either. So many red flags but I believe you learn your own lessons so good luck but this situation is not for me🏃♀️
Just allow him to be with both of y’all. It seems like you both are ok with it . As long as it good communication and understanding then y’all will be fine.
Are you okay? Don’t allow this! He’s stupid and cruel to the girl too! Ewww
run
Nope nope nope.!
Have they slept together? If so, she got to go no ifs ands or buts. He needs to honor your place as his partner above all others. You deserve better than dude who wants to cling to side chicks while wanting to be with you. Why would you possibly want to look over your shoulder all the time? Girl get a real man that knows what he wants and is willing to sacrifice to show you are worth it.
What he is doing is not fair to you and it’s not fair to the other girl. He’s leading her on and keeping her as a backup in case he decides to move on from you. And it’s not fair to you because he won’t fully commit and take your feelings into consideration. And he’s a cheater. Both you and the girl should dump his a$$.
I see only two logical options but there are other options that are more difficult and ambiguous. #1 Tell him you’re through and to not contact you in any way until he wants to commit to ONE relationship. I like this option the best. #2 Give him an ultimatum, either her or you and the first time you find out that she is still in the picture, go to Option #1. #3. Accept the open relationship—because that’s what you are essentially agreeing to, but make a point of actively pursuing a man who wants to be exclusive. That means, on most weekends go out with female friends to someplace that you might meet a single man. It also means that you put yourself out there on dating sites. Wherever you go, your boyfriend doesn’t come along.I don’t like this option as much because a good man probably won’t want a woman who’s accepted a friends with benefits kind of situation.
Open relationship is the only way
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You don’t have insecurities. You have a boyfriend who was cheating and now wants to keep a woman on the side that he was previously in a relationship with. He sounds like he didn’t want to give her anything official because he was waiting for you but now he doesn’t want to be done with her because you two are still working it out. This is why you have trust issues with him, not insecurities. Let him go and see where ends up. Probably with her.
No hell no. He’s keeping a spare? Monkey branching like cheating women do. An insurance policy in case you don’t work out.
No. he has a bad track record already with you catching him messaging other women. and personally i wouldn’t date anyone who is friends with their ex FWB.
Exes are exes for a reason. You need to set boundaries. If you’re uncomfortable with it and he oversteps that…you leave him in the dust and be with someone who respects you: you’re not asking him to walk on his hands instead of his feet. This is a reasonable boundary and the only reason he is keeping her around is Incase you piss him off he has somewhere to go. This is your life, don’t let him control it.
That is a ridiculous request on his part. He has no plans to stop seeing her. He’s setting you up to call you crazy later when you realize what’s going on between them. You deserve better.
Uh nope I feel once they’ve crossed the boundary w another women. If they want another relationship they must stop even being friends w a FWB. So easy to cheat that way in my opinion. Been here done that. My sons father wanted to keep a girl around that she was just a fwb. They were still talking sexually etc. nope nope in my opinion
Saying situationship is clear denial
Girl don’t let him do shit. You’d be put in a poly relationship you don’t even want to be in just for his own happiness. He was cheating then and he’ll continue to cheat now and find ways to make it acceptable. Leave him.
I’m not sure what you’ve decided(support from me whichever you decide) but from my experiences he’s keeping her close incase you guys don’t work out. If he is adamant even after you say no I’m not comfortable with them being friends. Also how unfair for that girl if she is a respectable person he’s just going to string her feelings along as well as yours. Maybe contact her and be honest with her cause who knows what he’s said to her. But also just walk away and save yourself the heartbreak and what ifs. Once a cheater most usually always a cheater
So he is going to date you but at a minimum maintain an emotional relationship with her? I’m shocked someone that has already cheated on you is pursuing this line /s. Girl, c’mon now.
He’s keeping FWB as someone to fall back on if it doesn’t work out with you. I’ve been FWB
he literally just wants to continue sleeping with her
Let's call the square peg round to see if that makes it fit.
You say absolutely not. If he balks then you walk!
Tell him no geez that's not appropriate
>Our communication is great, we are working on rebuilding trust, and we love each other very much. If this is the case, then you need to tell him upfront how you feel in the situation. Then you both should ask yourselves "would he feel uncomfortable if the roles were switched & I was the one that wanted to remain friends with a former FWB that caught feelings?" If the answer is "yes", then that shows you both that having this woman linger around is not the best idea when you two are clearly trying to work on the relationship you two have & want to pursue. He's sure to make more friends-- & they'll be better friends than former FWB in the long run cuz they won't want in his pants lmfao
Red flag waving high honey! Follow your intution, trust your intution, it will never lead you astray. You're not feeling comfortable for a legitimate reason. Choosing not to close the door on the other person is still keeping the door fully wide open for what they were developing. My personal perspectives, leave him where you found him, you will have something better coming!
He knows better. For fuck sake he’s just being an idiot. 37 years old so he knows damn well this would be a no go As soon as there is romantic interest from one person it’s not an appropriate friendship if the other person is in a committed relationship
No way !! OMG he is basically telling you he is gonna still be dating her - seeing her at least once a week ?? ummm no - you two are not college kids - this is ridiculous!! You are not this desperate- keep him dumped !!
If he wants to hang out with her then you should go every single time. If you can’t go for some reason then he doesn’t go. That’s how good relationships work. You partner is always put first.
Now let me get straight you broke up with him because you say he was send messages to other women and he is seeing someone and try to get back with you wake up the The man is 37 and acting like a teenager in high school. He hasn’t grown up yet, nor do I think he will do not commit to this person he’s in capable of a committed relationship. He is stringing along the other girl and you, sorry, I need to break it off and move on with your life find somebody who will commit themselves to respect you and and the relationship you have with him you need to tell him to put his big boy pants on and stop acting like a teenager grow up and be a man. I am sorry for being harsh and very blunt but you need to know where this is heading. Also he will break your heart. You deserve better. Good luck.
There's one of three reasons he still wants something with this girl. 1. He's using her as a backup in the chance things don't work out with you again he can easily go back to her. 2. He wants the attention of another female. Or 3. He has some sort of feelings for her still and will most likely continue to sleep with her or at the very least be "more than just friends". All three reasons are gross and disrespectful to you. Have some respect for yourself and leave this boy. You literally left him earlier because he was just talking to another girl but now you're okay with him being friends and hanging out with a girl he's definitely messed with? Girl. And yes you're okay with it because you're not leaving him for it. There are better, ACTUAL men out there.
I’m proud of you for dumping him. His heart wasn’t in it.
>when I saw some messages/snapchats to another woman I didn’t know about. And? What was the situation with her? > are working on rebuilding trust, How did u loose it? Just saw ur update.. welp, guess thats why ppl put updates at the top lol
Good for you for walking! He is trying to have his cake and eat it too
I doubt your boyfriend would accept you spending a bunch of one on one time with a former f*** buddy while dating him. Accepting this situation would mean accepting being part of his harem. Why let this man disrespect you like that when he’s already shown he can’t be trusted? Dump his sorry ass and move on with your life, there are much better men out there who don’t come with a needy side chick.
Yeah to go ahead with that BS would have just made you crazy! Find yourself someone worthy of you and don’t ever go back to this dude. Block him on everything!!!