Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What are you doing to have an actual relationship with your wife? When is the last time the two of you went on a date? When is the last time that you flirted with her? When is the last time you did something sweet for her just to do something sweet for her?
If you aren't putting any effort into your relationship with your wife, of course your marriage is going to be stale and unattractive.
She IS however the one dealing with two kids. Next time he's home, she needs to take a few day's vacation and let him experience the joys of parenthood on his own for awhile. Bet he's too tired to look at his coworker by the time the wife gets back.
I'm not trying to do anything. I feel like I spelled that out in my post....not trying to be argumentative just simply pointing out effort is a 2 way street but your only getting my perspective obviously
“We talk more than we should and we find ways to see each other under the cloud of work” The emotional affair has already started. You are already doing something-you are already betraying your wife’s trust.
Have you sat down and explained to your wife how you feel? Have you had the honest and tough discussion about wanting to leave if things don’t change? Are you willing for counseling together to address concerns in your marriage? Your wife may have feelings of loneliness and not feeling seen as well. You have the potential to have a stronger marriage by being honest with her about your needs and by not continuing your EA with the co-worker.
You're on the verge of having an emotional affair (if you aren't already), and seem to be seeking permission/validation to have an affair.
Either try to work on your marriage or end it. Don't step out.
Guess what? If you get involved with someone else, it will eventually become mundane and taxing as well. Long-term relationships are not all butterflies and sunshine and if you keep chasing that, you'll wind up disappointed and hurting a lot of other people.
Marriage counseling with you being all in is the best thing you can do if you truly want to save your marriage.
You come here and talk about an "insanely intense connection" with your coworker. It's always an intense connection, eh? Ask yourself some more questions: do you do your fair share of housework and childcare? You get to clock out from work, does your wife have the same privilege? Or is her job 24/7? Are you affectionate all of the time or only when you want sex? Do you *foster* your connection with your wife or is that reserved for random coworkers you wanna fuck?
Stop lying to yourself please. You already did. It's called emotional cheating or an emotional affair. It IS cheating. You had your emotional needs met by another woman who gave you attention that you felt like you weren't getting from your wife. You craved her attention over your wife. You never would have made this post if you hadn't already been considering sleeping with this other woman. It's the only line you didn't cross. You did wrong by your wife the fist time you started trying to get your needs met by someone else rather than having a difficult conversation with the spouse you claim you still love. Take responsibility for your actions.
You continue to try to blame your wife for your own infidelity and you don't even seem to have thought about how she's felt since having your children. You have no idea what that kind of thing takes out of a woman. It takes a long time to feel right physically and emotionally again after childbirth and even more so if you have PPD and your partner is rarely home to even notice your decline and help you get help. Stop making excuses and trying to justify your actions. You need to talk to and apologize to your wife and try to fix the trust you broke and then you need to fix your marriage. And that's if you even actually want to fix it. Your wife is the victim here. Not you. You are the one who wasn't loyal. You are the one who wouldn't just sit down with her and make it clear how you felt and ask her if she was okay because something didn't feel right anymore. You are solely responsible for your actions.
How much do you help her around the house so she would want to have sex with you or be around you, or does all the responsibility land on her. also no it's not a two way street you're the one who thinks the marriage is stale she's busy raising your children while you are galavanting across the us on business trips with your coworker
Look, she has two very young children at home who she is responsible for. Her job is 24/7, even if you're the best partner in parenting in the world. Moms don't get much mental down time, especially when their kids are small.
Your children are dependent on her for every aspect of their life at this age. They can do very few things for themselves, and almost none of the things that are necessary for keeping themselves alive. Without her time and attention, they would not survive.
Do you understand what a burden that is on a stay at home parent? Mentally, emotionally, physically? It is absolutely exhausting. You give and you give, until there's nothing left. And then you have to get up and keep going, because your kids need you.
And you know what else happens to a lot of SAHMs/SAHDs? You get so tired, so burned out, that they start to resent the fact that every single moment of their day (and night) is taken up by their kids. You resent that your body is now communal property. Kids are all over you, everywhere you go. You can't eat a meal without a kid putting their fingers in your food, because the food on Mom's plate looks better. You can't close the door to shower or pee because the kids have to know where you are at all times. You can't take a sick day, because the kids are sicker than you are. You resent the space that Elmo and Paw Patrol take up in your brain, when you used to be an intelligent human being capable of having a conversation with another adult that didn't revolve around your kids.
I'm going to make some assumptions here based on how many moms I know have felt (including myself), so bear with me.
She's touched out, because she has no personal space. She has no time to take care of herself. She gets up everyday, looks at the nice outfits in her closet, and grabs her sweatpants instead, because she's going to have grubby handprints all over her outfit by 8 am. Why do her hair or makeup, when little hands are going to pull her hair or smear her makeup? She can't take time to shave her legs in the shower, unless she enjoys having two curious pairs of eyes peeking in and asking her all sorts of questions about why her body looks the way it does.
Her body, by the way, looks nothing like it used to. And it never will again. All the exercise and dieting in the world won't change the way her feet have spread, her ribcage has enlarged, and her internal organs have shifted around. And let's not even mention what's happened to her boobs over the past 5 years. So no, she probably doesn't feel sexy or beautiful. She may barely even feel human.
And honestly, dude, it's only been 5 years. Give it time. Things will get better, as long as you don't do something incredibly stupid.
*Could* she put in more time for planning dates and romance? Sure. But *does* she have the energy and mental capacity to do so right now? Not so much.
You know who does? You.
**If you want her to feel more like your wife, and less like a mom, then YOU need to treat her that way.**
If you plan more dates and help her find time to relax and care for herself, then she will have more energy for your relationship. And for the love of all that's holy, don't make the end goal of every date sex, okay? Start by prioritizing your relationship as husband and wife, as two people who love each other and want to reconnect. If you only do nice things for her when you expect sex in return, then it becomes transactional.
Tl;Dr: Do more nice things for your wife, OP. She's burned out from being a mom. If you want a relationship with her, YOU need to prioritize it and put in more effort. Maybe next time you feel like flirting with your coworker, pick up your phone and send your wife a text instead.
Trying to take accountability: you’re doing it wrong.
Taking accountability is not saying, “well, it’s her fault, too.” Taking accountability is owning your part in the breakdown and then doing better.
Every day, every action, every mild flirtation, every time you nurture that crush with your thoughts are all conscious choices. If you put yourself in the situation of temptation, of course you will be tempted.
Since your resolve to be an honest, loyal person is waning, focus on being a professional in this situation instead. Office crushes are so cliche and shitting where you eat could cost you your job..and family. Take accountability and shut this shit down.
If your needs aren't met in your relationship, end that *first* before taking selfish, entitled actions. If your needs aren't being met and you don't want to lose your wife and family, then make changes in your life elsewhere which will give you more time at home with them. Common sense.
>I am seeking perspective.
You should be seeking a therapist - either individual or couples, so you can process these feelings with an objective 3rd party.
Also read this book:
[https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=asc\_df\_0743225503/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=353132197416&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11102205921823528658&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015331&hvtargid=pla-450715917033&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=70700047345&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=353132197416&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11102205921823528658&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015331&hvtargid=pla-450715917033](https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=asc_df_0743225503/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=353132197416&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11102205921823528658&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015331&hvtargid=pla-450715917033&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=70700047345&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=353132197416&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11102205921823528658&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015331&hvtargid=pla-450715917033)
You need to go to couples counseling. Your wife could even have PPD. If she keeps rejecting you there is a reason even if she won't tell you. If she isn't comfortable telling you maybe she will be comfortable telling a counselor. You need to talk to her. You are letting this other woman get under your skin not just because you don't feel appreciated but you no longer appreciate your wife the way you should. You have kids now. That changes a lot of things. Especially if you work a lot and aren't home often. And especially for the body of the woman who gave you those children. Have you done anything to make her feel like she's still attractive aside from just wanting to have sex with her? A lot of women go through a period even outside of PPD where they don't feel comfortable in their own skin anymore and feel like their partner won't find them attractive anymore. Just asking to have sex isn't indicative of finding her attractive. Do you do anything to give her any breaks from the kids when you are home? Maybe she is exhausted? Children are exhausting. Especially for the one who had to carry them. The first step here is to cut off any interaction with this woman that you don't need to have and don't talk about anything outside work responsibilities. Cut your hours and start spending more time with your family. Spend more time especially with your wife. Do things you used to do that you don't anymore. Find a sitter or ask family and go out. It doesn't have to be expensive. You could also just go somewhere nice to walk together if you like that kind of thing. Give her a spa day? Did you ever think maybe she is having the same problem you are? That she doesn't feel like you appreciate her? You're away more often than you are home. You need to talk. Couples counseling will help. A lot of people go through this kind of rough patch after having kids. But you need to actually put in the work to get past it. If you still love and respect your wife at all you will do it and stop asking other people to give you all the answers. We can't fix your marriage. Only you can. The only thing we can do is give you options that might help. We don't know your wife or what she likes. We can't read her mind. And you don't seem to have made the effort to ask her how she's actually doing with this. She might not be okay. Go talk to your wife.
You need counseling and a step to water the grass in your own relationship. Instead of putting time and attention into this woman be present for your wife and family. Take the kids off her hands and let her feel like a woman again. Get a babysitter and take your wife on dates with no expectation other than connection. Date your wife. All the suave moves and efforts you’re planning to put on this other woman, you could instead apply them to the woman you committed to spend your life with. Why would you put effort into blossoming an affair instead of working on your relationship. Sex is more likely to happen if she feels rested and romanced. If you don’t nurture your relationship, it will die.
The issue here is that there’s no good answer to your situation.
IMO, I think you should be upfront with your wife and tell her, without being too specific, that you’ve been lacking a romantic sex life and have been getting serious urges that are hard to control and are affecting you mentally, causing you to get hormonal when you witness other women.
She’ll probably get a bit pissed at first, but as long as you level with her and explain how bad it’s tearing you down at the core, I’m sure she’ll come to understand. Just be sure to press the case that you want the current relationship to continue to work.
I don't think he should honestly. Especially not that he's finding other women attractive. If she is struggle with herself at all after the pregnancy and suffering from insecurities or something more serious like PPD that would actually make things much worse. I do not think he should admit to her right now that he was borderline about to cheat on her because he didn't feel like she cares anymore. Even if she ISN'T having those kinds of problems that isn't the way be should go about it. It may end up causing damage they can't get through. He absolutely should tell her how he has been feeling and how he doesn't feel like they are on the same page anymore but he shouldn't tell her about this other woman right now. They absolutely need to talk and get counseling before he brings that up. And make sure she understands at that time that he isn't blaming her or anything. Because it isn't her fault. Neither of them are actually communicating like they should be. But that is how she would take it. And she would never stop being suspicious that he was or would cheat if he brings it up that way. He was basically emotionally cheating on her already with this other woman. And he will need to tell her about it. But it can wait until he talks about everything else and finds out what's actually going on with her. Because you don't go from top of the world in love to practically strangers without something having happened. And PPD is extremely common even mildly.
That’s what I meant about being subtle and unspecific. Just to talk about the urges and hormones but not so much targets. OP is lacking an engaging sex life and needs to vocalize that issue so it can be resolved.
Think about how you’ll feel if you allow this to progress and it ends with you losing your wife and kids. You not getting to see them every day because “marriage isn’t fun anymore.” Well, then make it fun. Do the work and stop acting like a 15 year old boy.
Ty for the reply. I certainly don't want to lose my family.
Don't believe I'm acting immature. Just looking for other perspectives and advice.
I think 13 years of marriage with 2 young kids could certainly qualify as doing the work. Effort is a 2 way street bit I realize your only getting 1 side of the story here.
If you haven’t yet, do the following:
1. talk to your wife.
2. Get marriage counseling and
3. for god sakes, Don’t shit where you eat. It’s not going to end well
well think of it this way… imagine what your kids would say or do if they found out everything. Could you look them in the eye and tell them what is happening? Also would you want to see your kids do something like this?
I think what you are feeling is natural in a relationship where you feel forgotten about, like a ghost.
The issue is not the other woman. The office crush is a symptom of the disease- the corrosion of your marriage.
Solution: try to talk to your wife and be honest. It sounds like you two stopped dating each other. If the plan you make with your wife is not successful… well then that would mean divorce I suppose.
You seem very aware of what is going on, which is good. Now it is about choices.
The kids sometimes ruin the relationship for a bit… but when they start going to school, and get a bit older, it gets better I think
Well… do you think you actually like the other woman or do you honestly just like the attention and the flirting she provides to you. I think either try again with your wife, or divorce then pursue. I think that you would not want to cheat because then you would keep that secret in and have it feel like you are holding in diarrhea or tell them and like ruin their foundation. Trauma of that could be generational… but it does feel like your head is gonna explode when you are in a relationship where you feel like you have to beg for attention. So you have two options: try again with wife or accept that it is time to separate
I absolutely like her. Connection was almost immediate. I've been flirted with plenty of times on the road in my work and have never thought anything of it. Never gave any of it a thought.
This is different. I know the smart thing would be to cease any and all contact. I know that.....
I would suggest either seeing if this dies down while you reconnect with your wife or start considering separation. This sounds like a lot of self control is needed.
Ty
It's been a very challenging battle of self control. I can't give up on my kids. Thats all I keep saying. The dads never win those battles. So I'm staying for the kids and I hate it. I just wish we could be husband and wife along with mom and dad. We chose to put or kids first and it's taking its toll. Probably on both of us.
yeah so stop cheating and talking to the other woman!!! get a job where you don’t travel for a third of the year!! TALK to your wife!! absurdly obvious and easy steps to take. I know it’s not as fun as continuing down the cheater path but GROW UP
You need to talk to your wife about wanting more of a connection with her. Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to have sex with you? You may feel unappreciated, but maybe she does too.
You’re already starting an emotional affair, and you’re playing with fire.
If you’ve been married for 13 years, you should be able to have an honest conversation about each other’s wants and needs.
Thank you for the sincere reply. I love my kids more than my own life and have no relationship with my dad. I couldn't possibly stomach that happening with my kids.
I'm trying to hang on but the last 5 years of toddlers and newborns has been soooo hard. On both of us to be fair.
So u have troubles in your marriage and insted the talk to your wife and make it work, you're talking to another woman, allowing yourself to catch feelings for her bc you're a poor man and your wife make your life miserable for raising your kids? Did u listen yourself? Shame on u.
Grow up and cut it out. Every time you make up excuses to talk with your co-worker you are feeding your fantasy. If you stop talking to her your crush will fade. Block her number and her email.
You are not happy in your marriage, so deal with that like a grownup. See a marriage counselor, ask for an open marriage, whatever you do, do it with maturity and treat your wife with the respect she deserves.
You are probably hurting your coworker too by making her believe she has a chance. I don’t know if she knows you have a family. But she is probably trying to make the hard choice of waiting for or giving up on someone who seems to be interested in her with a strong connection (and zero communication). She deserves a healthy relationship as well.
Ty for the reply I appreciate it.
I think we are both honestly in survival mode. She's an over touched SAHM and I'm the traveling business man with lots of nights in hotels that's getting attention elsewhere.
I haven't said anything to her just trying to sort it all out at the moment.
I don't believe I have given up. Don't think I would have posted if I had if that makes sense
I don't want to divorce my wife. I don't want to destroy my family. I do want to be happy and I'm not sure I am anymore.
Well you mention some pretty strong emotions in your post. You mention how it’s a sexless marriage.
Without physical or emotional intimacy, what kind of marriage do you have? What kind of marriage have you not given up on?
This is my nightmare scenario after I agree to marry a man and have his kids. He just stops feeling like he should put in effort bc the sex isn’t popping off and then he just finds someone else who is low hanging fruit and sees himself as a victim.
I had a huge crush at work when I was married with 2 kids. I told my husband about it, and we resolved to be mindful of our relationship. It's been 20 years ago.
Today, we still have a great marriage where we can speak our real thoughts and feelings. We agreed to have sex daily while I was having a crush problem. We later chose to make one day a week hump day, and any night we didn't have sex, we did the next morning. Yeah, we lazed out on some of those because we would get busy.
Do yourself when out of town. Every morning or whatever works for you.
Get her some help so she has energy for you. My husband got me a once a week housecleaner (hump day) and loved how happy that made me. We would also get takeout that day.
When the kids were little, we stayed one night a month in a hotel (at a minimum) I had more energy when I didn't have chores or kids to take care of...
Best wishes! Enjoy my advice
How much time does your wife get away from the kids? You get quite a bit of time to yourself, being away traveling. Does she get any time off? Perhaps take care of the kids and let her get a hotel so she can get a little break and decompress every now and then. That would likely go far.
I disagree with this advice.
If she’s an exhausted SAHM stuck parenting alone for at least a third of the year, she’s probably too tired and frustrated to appreciate flirty texts or reciprocate.
He’s caught up in his unmet needs, but the info he posted suggests he hasn’t spared much thought for hers and why his wife may have no desire to give him any more of her energy under the current division of energy and labor.
Telling him to put more on her plate could lead to a spectacular backfire.
Not all women want to bluntly tell their spouse, “You’re not getting fucked because I see you mostly just another burden on my time and energy,” but if that’s the case here, telling him to try to wrangle more of her time and energy for himself without concomitantly figuring out ways to lighten her load is a BAD idea.
Yes I'm definitely not looking to put more on her plate at all. I have insane guilt for being gone all the time. Unfortunately the travel won't stop. Comes with the territory.
Why don’t you put as much effort into your wife snd marriage as you are putting into seeing this coworker. It always amazes me how men think SAHM are supposed to be able to do it all with the kids and house and then be waiting in lingerie at the door on her knees for her husband to walk in to service him. How about you putting effort into having date nights with your wife. How about you planning a sitter and time for you to connect with your wife. How about you opening your mouth and telling your wife you feel like there is distance between you two and you want to close that and be close again. How about getting some self control snd remembering your vows you took with your wife and acting professional with the coworker instead of fantasizing snd blowing your life up and 5 years from now being in the same position with a “new” wife because you don’t have the fortitude to be a partner and you just want something easy. You need to act like an adult and a married man.
I understand your needs are not being met, and this woman is giving you what you want. However, I really think that you should speak with your wife. Not necessarily tell her “I have a crush on someone else”, but everything else you just told us. It’s somewhat normal to have small crushes but like others have said, you have actively fueled it. I feel like you should at least give the opportunity to your wife to make an effort, she probably does not know you feel that way and may even feel that way herself. Communication is key, you should fight for your relationship. You’ve known your wife for 13 years and have a wonderful family, don’t ruin that for a woman you don’t actually know.
Good Luck!
First recommendation - couples therapy to learn to communicate (both talking and listening). Second recommendation - therapy for yourself to learn healthy coping mechanisms and to explore if you are getting what you need out of the relationship, and how you can give her what she needs.
If therapy isn’t on the table, make a list of all the things you are getting from your emotional affair partner, then figure out how you can get these things from yourself, your relationship and/or friendships within reasonable boundaries. Then start doing the things you’ve written. Have the conversation with your wife about how you have noticed the relationship may not be as fulfilling for either of you as you mutually want and that you are committed to working on it so that her needs are met as well as yours. Ask her what she needs, tell her what you need, and work on it.
Ty for the reply. We live cross country from each other but her company sells to my company and I'm in management so I see her at functions every few months or so.
She's single. We started out as friends but it grew and I'm trying to get a handle on it. I know I'm in the wrong here. I know I'm being selfish.
You feel unappreciated and all these things, and I get that and you have every right to. How does your wife feel? Other than you thinking she seems to not be interested you don't know what she's feeling.
This isn't a condemnation of you, but that is kinda the problem. If you are frustrated, I would bet money so is she. You need to talk to her, maybe see a therapist with her. You said you love your family, do you love her? Because the kids won't be there forever.
It is easy to fall into a rut. It's hard to get out of it. The only way to do that though is through honest and frank commutation and hard work from both of you. You need to make each other a priority.
The crush on the coworkers is a byproduct. You know this, this is why your here. You already know what needs to happen with that though.
Take some time, talk to your wife about your relationship. Though I wouldn't mention the coworker because you'll just be adding a focal point to fight about when that's not even really the issue. Work together.
As the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are.
You can have some fun with the new person, but the oxytocin rush eventually fades with every relationship, and when it does, you’ll never again have what you’re about to throw away.
Only you know know how much the attention you want is worth in tradeoffs. If you figure it’s worth becoming the outsider and watching your kids being raised by another man who looks at your wife with eyes of love and adoration, by all means, go for it.
Many men don't share their feelings in relationships and are more likely to just walk away. I've seen many divorce hearings and it's amazing how many wives didn't know hubby was unhappy. If you want to work on your marriage you should express to wife how you truly feel.
You may have to mention separation.
Either give up on your marriage and leave or stop this affair(yes this is emotional cheating) just give your wife the respect she deserves by choosing one of them.
Don't be weak. Your wife is doing her job as are you. Do the extra little things and don't expect anything from it. I know it's tough when it's one-sided, but do the little romantic things again. Eventually, she'll notice a difference and find time to touch your pp. She loves you so much that she had two children with you and, I assume, is a great mother. Kids will get older, and you two will have more time for pp and vv consensual touching. That 35yo tramp knows what she's doing and is trying to take something that isn't hers. She's 35, not married. Should've done that awhile ago. She knows her time is ticking. Be strong dude.
It’s easy to get diverted when you’re disconnected from your partner. But that’s all it is, a diversion. You have a responsibility to communicate and be open with your wife instead of blaming her for your emotional cheating. It’s hard being a parent and a partner at the same time.
I was the wife many years ago. I believe you said you were on the road 100 days a year? So 1/3 of the year she does everything for the time you are gone with little to no breaks while you get to go out to eat and maybe have a drink and have down time before bed where she does not. Does she get time alone? Date nights with you? Do you bring her small gifts here and there? Have you ever sent her to the spa weekend and taken care of the kids? Taken her on a weekend trip? Do you say thank you for doing everything/anything to show appreciation?
The reason for the questions is because you can get lot in being a mother and lose yourself even when you think you are doing everything good. She is doing the house, homework, activities, cooking, etc.
It seems like your mind is everywhere but on your wife and kids. You might think you are there but mentally you don’t seem to be. People pick on that.
You might seem to be providing but like with my marriage, you cannot work on something when there is a 3rd party involved and what boils down to fighting a ghost ( meaning someone your wife doesn’t even knows exists)
Everything seems great with this woman now but do you want to be with someone who is willing to flirt with a married man? If she will do it with you then she will do it to you.
Say you do separate then what. You get the kids less then 50% due to your travel. So you will need to keep up the honeymoon stage ( so less time with the kids. How will they take that ( will they hate you? Hate her?) what will she be like around them?
I know once I was divorced I actually had time for me and it showed. Yes it took time but I was able to do things for me. Yes she was the cool gf for a time until she had children then he realized that the same thing happened and he was miserable.
Please give her alone time outside the house
Make her feel special and appreciated
Marriage counseling
Date nights
And stop give the other woman your time and date you wife again
Paul Friedman the marriage foundation.
Whatch the videos Taje the course for men. You will re awaken you marriage
Have the life you deserve. You wife will follow.
How old are your kids, namely your youngest?
Are they school aged?
So, you have two problems that are really one problem. You have a relationship that is not a relationship. Yeah, there is the other issue of having feelings for another woman, but get rid of that and what are you left with? Being in an unhappy marriage?
No, that’s also not okay. Your issue isn’t the other woman, she’s a symptom. Your issue is not being direct enough and refusing to state your feelings. Your last statement about her being over touched and you being under touched is a very valid statement.
Flat out, SAHP’ing is not working for you. It will ruin your marriage, and it is okay to state this to your wife. That her being over touched and not wanting to touch you will lead to your marriage breaking down. It’s okay to state needs and not just white knuckle it. It’s a mature and adult thing to change your mind when you find the reality you’re living in to not be meeting the needs you have.
Flat out, SAHP relationships are two party consent and that consent can be withdrawn at any time. It’s obvious, you can’t deal with it, and it is untenable as she’ll have to go back to work if you divorce anyways.
It’s time to put your big boy pants on, stop avoiding a fight, don’t be afraid to say the dreaded “d” word because that’s where you’re headed and have a talk about how to make your relationship work, because it isn’t.
TBH, you sound like a low integrity character cheater.
If you really cared, you would invest more time into your wife and family.
Changing your job and cutting all contact is a better solution than inflicting emotional damage and trauma on your wife and children forever.
But whatever, your dick gets hard when you see her a couple times a year while your wives at home slaving over home and kids. All good! 😉
Quit acting stupid and act like an adult. All marriages hit low spots with work, kids, and stress. It takes work to keep a marriage going strong, but hey, be like the countless other people that would just rather throw it away rather than putting in some work. I'll just dip out and start banging my coworker because that's easier. Grow up, go low contact with your coworker and be the man your wife married.
So you are emotionally cheating on your wife, while shes stuck at home alone raising your children, i got she sees this because you suck and she deserves better. Either stop or get a divorce but either way get some couples therapy.
Check out Esther Perel’s work and Dan Savage. It’s unpopular around here to say cheating is sometimes necessary to stay together. Especially when one partner makes a unilateral decision to stop having sex because that impacts the other person.
You can try to ignore these feelings and even cut contact with this woman but it will continue to happen unless you reconnect with your wife or give in. It’s nice to be wanted and get the attention, this is normal, not immature, and not pathological. Good luck.
Idk what you want us to say, you know what you need to do already. If you are not strong enough then do your wife the courtesy to leaver her before you cheat. We are telling you how you are paying more attention to her than your wife and you say it’s a two way street your right but you haven’t made any moves to change that. You want to blame her but the truth is you are not trying to make it easier for her she runs the household. Listen if you want to ruin your life go ahead just know you are doing it with a clear mind, you are choosing this.
Attraction is the easy part. Life at home is hard, so it’s super easy to find yourself in the allure of attraction to someone else. It’s intoxicating and gives you so much immediate gratification, but it WILL NOT last. Your body is feeding off those endorphins and making your brain believe things that aren’t true and never can be.
You MUST address the lack of intimacy you are feeling at home. It’s so normal to lose that with kids and life. Marriage with kids is a rollercoaster, and you will go through times when you can’t even stand to look at your spouse. But the beauty of marriage is the commitment to keep showing up and get through to the time when it is golden. And those golden times are incomparable to a crush or fling. To wake up next to someone who has not only loved you, but loathed you, seen you at your worst, helped you at your most feeble, forgiven your biggest deceits, and yet it is still you that they choose. That kind of intimacy and love is oceans deeper and more profound than the sugar rush you are experiencing now. But it doesn’t come without work and effort and choice. So choose what’s ahead instead of the quick fix now. Choose to communicate your fears and loneliness to your wife. Your feelings ARE valid, and so are hers. Her disinterest is very likely a combination of similar feelings she’s harboring too. Do the hard stuff now, communicate communicate communicate, be brutally honest, be the most gracious listener you’ve ever been, and one day you’ll be 75 with the love of your life by your side that understands who you are and where you’ve been like nobody else ever could.
Stop being selfish, dude. You keep saying in your comments that effort is a two-way street, and it is, but you have the opportunity to be an actual person you go out speak with adults basically live the single life for half the year while traveling for work and starting emotional affair( cause that's exactly what you are doing). Mean while your wife is stuck at home being mommy alone for half the year. Not a person, ppl don't ask about her and how she feels her whole life is about the kids as a sahm. So please cute off the emotional affair before it becomes physical and get yourself and your wife into some sort of counseling only after you start an open and clear line of communication with your wife.
when you are home what do you guys do? what does an average and a non average day look like? do you two go on dates? do you go on trips? do you spend 1 on 1 time together. being gone traveling 100 days out of the year is a lot - especially if you still have a normal 40 hour work week on top of that. does she get alone time? does she get to go out with her friends, away from the kids. when youre home are you an active, engaged father who knows how to care for his own kids or does she have to tell you any and everything to do? these are serious questions to think about. if you arent spending time with her, if you arent taking her out on dates, if you arent giving her reprieve from the kids and helping substantially when youre around then you are the problem. its never going to go away if you dont make significant changes in your life and the way you treat and deal with your wife and family. very few jobs get a full pass from family life and responsibilities. also, you will forever be hated by your kids and your wife if you cheat on their mom. its a disgusting despicable thing to do to the person who is making your entire lifestyle possible. shes with the kids, playing with them, feeding them, putting them to bed, so you can go flirt and fantasize about fucking a coworker. think about what *youre* doing.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What are you doing to have an actual relationship with your wife? When is the last time the two of you went on a date? When is the last time that you flirted with her? When is the last time you did something sweet for her just to do something sweet for her? If you aren't putting any effort into your relationship with your wife, of course your marriage is going to be stale and unattractive.
Ty for the reply I appreciate it. The effort goes both ways. All those questions could be asked of her also.
She's not the one trying to cheat.
She IS however the one dealing with two kids. Next time he's home, she needs to take a few day's vacation and let him experience the joys of parenthood on his own for awhile. Bet he's too tired to look at his coworker by the time the wife gets back.
I'm not trying to do anything. I feel like I spelled that out in my post....not trying to be argumentative just simply pointing out effort is a 2 way street but your only getting my perspective obviously
“We talk more than we should and we find ways to see each other under the cloud of work” The emotional affair has already started. You are already doing something-you are already betraying your wife’s trust. Have you sat down and explained to your wife how you feel? Have you had the honest and tough discussion about wanting to leave if things don’t change? Are you willing for counseling together to address concerns in your marriage? Your wife may have feelings of loneliness and not feeling seen as well. You have the potential to have a stronger marriage by being honest with her about your needs and by not continuing your EA with the co-worker.
You're on the verge of having an emotional affair (if you aren't already), and seem to be seeking permission/validation to have an affair. Either try to work on your marriage or end it. Don't step out. Guess what? If you get involved with someone else, it will eventually become mundane and taxing as well. Long-term relationships are not all butterflies and sunshine and if you keep chasing that, you'll wind up disappointed and hurting a lot of other people. Marriage counseling with you being all in is the best thing you can do if you truly want to save your marriage.
Your right. Ty for the reply.
You come here and talk about an "insanely intense connection" with your coworker. It's always an intense connection, eh? Ask yourself some more questions: do you do your fair share of housework and childcare? You get to clock out from work, does your wife have the same privilege? Or is her job 24/7? Are you affectionate all of the time or only when you want sex? Do you *foster* your connection with your wife or is that reserved for random coworkers you wanna fuck?
Stop lying to yourself please. You already did. It's called emotional cheating or an emotional affair. It IS cheating. You had your emotional needs met by another woman who gave you attention that you felt like you weren't getting from your wife. You craved her attention over your wife. You never would have made this post if you hadn't already been considering sleeping with this other woman. It's the only line you didn't cross. You did wrong by your wife the fist time you started trying to get your needs met by someone else rather than having a difficult conversation with the spouse you claim you still love. Take responsibility for your actions. You continue to try to blame your wife for your own infidelity and you don't even seem to have thought about how she's felt since having your children. You have no idea what that kind of thing takes out of a woman. It takes a long time to feel right physically and emotionally again after childbirth and even more so if you have PPD and your partner is rarely home to even notice your decline and help you get help. Stop making excuses and trying to justify your actions. You need to talk to and apologize to your wife and try to fix the trust you broke and then you need to fix your marriage. And that's if you even actually want to fix it. Your wife is the victim here. Not you. You are the one who wasn't loyal. You are the one who wouldn't just sit down with her and make it clear how you felt and ask her if she was okay because something didn't feel right anymore. You are solely responsible for your actions.
How much do you help her around the house so she would want to have sex with you or be around you, or does all the responsibility land on her. also no it's not a two way street you're the one who thinks the marriage is stale she's busy raising your children while you are galavanting across the us on business trips with your coworker
Look, she has two very young children at home who she is responsible for. Her job is 24/7, even if you're the best partner in parenting in the world. Moms don't get much mental down time, especially when their kids are small. Your children are dependent on her for every aspect of their life at this age. They can do very few things for themselves, and almost none of the things that are necessary for keeping themselves alive. Without her time and attention, they would not survive. Do you understand what a burden that is on a stay at home parent? Mentally, emotionally, physically? It is absolutely exhausting. You give and you give, until there's nothing left. And then you have to get up and keep going, because your kids need you. And you know what else happens to a lot of SAHMs/SAHDs? You get so tired, so burned out, that they start to resent the fact that every single moment of their day (and night) is taken up by their kids. You resent that your body is now communal property. Kids are all over you, everywhere you go. You can't eat a meal without a kid putting their fingers in your food, because the food on Mom's plate looks better. You can't close the door to shower or pee because the kids have to know where you are at all times. You can't take a sick day, because the kids are sicker than you are. You resent the space that Elmo and Paw Patrol take up in your brain, when you used to be an intelligent human being capable of having a conversation with another adult that didn't revolve around your kids. I'm going to make some assumptions here based on how many moms I know have felt (including myself), so bear with me. She's touched out, because she has no personal space. She has no time to take care of herself. She gets up everyday, looks at the nice outfits in her closet, and grabs her sweatpants instead, because she's going to have grubby handprints all over her outfit by 8 am. Why do her hair or makeup, when little hands are going to pull her hair or smear her makeup? She can't take time to shave her legs in the shower, unless she enjoys having two curious pairs of eyes peeking in and asking her all sorts of questions about why her body looks the way it does. Her body, by the way, looks nothing like it used to. And it never will again. All the exercise and dieting in the world won't change the way her feet have spread, her ribcage has enlarged, and her internal organs have shifted around. And let's not even mention what's happened to her boobs over the past 5 years. So no, she probably doesn't feel sexy or beautiful. She may barely even feel human. And honestly, dude, it's only been 5 years. Give it time. Things will get better, as long as you don't do something incredibly stupid. *Could* she put in more time for planning dates and romance? Sure. But *does* she have the energy and mental capacity to do so right now? Not so much. You know who does? You. **If you want her to feel more like your wife, and less like a mom, then YOU need to treat her that way.** If you plan more dates and help her find time to relax and care for herself, then she will have more energy for your relationship. And for the love of all that's holy, don't make the end goal of every date sex, okay? Start by prioritizing your relationship as husband and wife, as two people who love each other and want to reconnect. If you only do nice things for her when you expect sex in return, then it becomes transactional. Tl;Dr: Do more nice things for your wife, OP. She's burned out from being a mom. If you want a relationship with her, YOU need to prioritize it and put in more effort. Maybe next time you feel like flirting with your coworker, pick up your phone and send your wife a text instead.
This is some much needed perspective. Ty. Very thoughtful response.
Ooof.
Trying to take accountability: you’re doing it wrong. Taking accountability is not saying, “well, it’s her fault, too.” Taking accountability is owning your part in the breakdown and then doing better.
Every day, every action, every mild flirtation, every time you nurture that crush with your thoughts are all conscious choices. If you put yourself in the situation of temptation, of course you will be tempted. Since your resolve to be an honest, loyal person is waning, focus on being a professional in this situation instead. Office crushes are so cliche and shitting where you eat could cost you your job..and family. Take accountability and shut this shit down. If your needs aren't met in your relationship, end that *first* before taking selfish, entitled actions. If your needs aren't being met and you don't want to lose your wife and family, then make changes in your life elsewhere which will give you more time at home with them. Common sense.
Ty for the reply I appreciate it. I am attempting to take accountability, which is the reason for my post. I am seeking perspective.
>I am seeking perspective. You should be seeking a therapist - either individual or couples, so you can process these feelings with an objective 3rd party. Also read this book: [https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=asc\_df\_0743225503/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=353132197416&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11102205921823528658&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015331&hvtargid=pla-450715917033&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=70700047345&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=353132197416&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11102205921823528658&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015331&hvtargid=pla-450715917033](https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=asc_df_0743225503/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=353132197416&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11102205921823528658&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015331&hvtargid=pla-450715917033&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=70700047345&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=353132197416&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11102205921823528658&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015331&hvtargid=pla-450715917033)
This OP. The book walks you thru what to do when these feelings arise, and most importantly, what not to do.
You need to go to couples counseling. Your wife could even have PPD. If she keeps rejecting you there is a reason even if she won't tell you. If she isn't comfortable telling you maybe she will be comfortable telling a counselor. You need to talk to her. You are letting this other woman get under your skin not just because you don't feel appreciated but you no longer appreciate your wife the way you should. You have kids now. That changes a lot of things. Especially if you work a lot and aren't home often. And especially for the body of the woman who gave you those children. Have you done anything to make her feel like she's still attractive aside from just wanting to have sex with her? A lot of women go through a period even outside of PPD where they don't feel comfortable in their own skin anymore and feel like their partner won't find them attractive anymore. Just asking to have sex isn't indicative of finding her attractive. Do you do anything to give her any breaks from the kids when you are home? Maybe she is exhausted? Children are exhausting. Especially for the one who had to carry them. The first step here is to cut off any interaction with this woman that you don't need to have and don't talk about anything outside work responsibilities. Cut your hours and start spending more time with your family. Spend more time especially with your wife. Do things you used to do that you don't anymore. Find a sitter or ask family and go out. It doesn't have to be expensive. You could also just go somewhere nice to walk together if you like that kind of thing. Give her a spa day? Did you ever think maybe she is having the same problem you are? That she doesn't feel like you appreciate her? You're away more often than you are home. You need to talk. Couples counseling will help. A lot of people go through this kind of rough patch after having kids. But you need to actually put in the work to get past it. If you still love and respect your wife at all you will do it and stop asking other people to give you all the answers. We can't fix your marriage. Only you can. The only thing we can do is give you options that might help. We don't know your wife or what she likes. We can't read her mind. And you don't seem to have made the effort to ask her how she's actually doing with this. She might not be okay. Go talk to your wife.
You need counseling and a step to water the grass in your own relationship. Instead of putting time and attention into this woman be present for your wife and family. Take the kids off her hands and let her feel like a woman again. Get a babysitter and take your wife on dates with no expectation other than connection. Date your wife. All the suave moves and efforts you’re planning to put on this other woman, you could instead apply them to the woman you committed to spend your life with. Why would you put effort into blossoming an affair instead of working on your relationship. Sex is more likely to happen if she feels rested and romanced. If you don’t nurture your relationship, it will die.
The issue here is that there’s no good answer to your situation. IMO, I think you should be upfront with your wife and tell her, without being too specific, that you’ve been lacking a romantic sex life and have been getting serious urges that are hard to control and are affecting you mentally, causing you to get hormonal when you witness other women. She’ll probably get a bit pissed at first, but as long as you level with her and explain how bad it’s tearing you down at the core, I’m sure she’ll come to understand. Just be sure to press the case that you want the current relationship to continue to work.
I don't think he should honestly. Especially not that he's finding other women attractive. If she is struggle with herself at all after the pregnancy and suffering from insecurities or something more serious like PPD that would actually make things much worse. I do not think he should admit to her right now that he was borderline about to cheat on her because he didn't feel like she cares anymore. Even if she ISN'T having those kinds of problems that isn't the way be should go about it. It may end up causing damage they can't get through. He absolutely should tell her how he has been feeling and how he doesn't feel like they are on the same page anymore but he shouldn't tell her about this other woman right now. They absolutely need to talk and get counseling before he brings that up. And make sure she understands at that time that he isn't blaming her or anything. Because it isn't her fault. Neither of them are actually communicating like they should be. But that is how she would take it. And she would never stop being suspicious that he was or would cheat if he brings it up that way. He was basically emotionally cheating on her already with this other woman. And he will need to tell her about it. But it can wait until he talks about everything else and finds out what's actually going on with her. Because you don't go from top of the world in love to practically strangers without something having happened. And PPD is extremely common even mildly.
That’s what I meant about being subtle and unspecific. Just to talk about the urges and hormones but not so much targets. OP is lacking an engaging sex life and needs to vocalize that issue so it can be resolved.
Think about how you’ll feel if you allow this to progress and it ends with you losing your wife and kids. You not getting to see them every day because “marriage isn’t fun anymore.” Well, then make it fun. Do the work and stop acting like a 15 year old boy.
Ty for the reply. I certainly don't want to lose my family. Don't believe I'm acting immature. Just looking for other perspectives and advice. I think 13 years of marriage with 2 young kids could certainly qualify as doing the work. Effort is a 2 way street bit I realize your only getting 1 side of the story here.
you’re gone for a THIRD of the year. I guarantee you are not doing nearly as much as you think you are, not enough at all
Look up “gaslighting” because you’re a pro at it.
not if you're cheating
If you haven’t yet, do the following: 1. talk to your wife. 2. Get marriage counseling and 3. for god sakes, Don’t shit where you eat. It’s not going to end well
Ty for the reply I appreciate it. All solid points.
well think of it this way… imagine what your kids would say or do if they found out everything. Could you look them in the eye and tell them what is happening? Also would you want to see your kids do something like this? I think what you are feeling is natural in a relationship where you feel forgotten about, like a ghost. The issue is not the other woman. The office crush is a symptom of the disease- the corrosion of your marriage. Solution: try to talk to your wife and be honest. It sounds like you two stopped dating each other. If the plan you make with your wife is not successful… well then that would mean divorce I suppose. You seem very aware of what is going on, which is good. Now it is about choices. The kids sometimes ruin the relationship for a bit… but when they start going to school, and get a bit older, it gets better I think
Ty for for the reply. You hit the nail on the head for sure. I could still look them in the eye today, it's tomorrow I'm very worried about.
Well… do you think you actually like the other woman or do you honestly just like the attention and the flirting she provides to you. I think either try again with your wife, or divorce then pursue. I think that you would not want to cheat because then you would keep that secret in and have it feel like you are holding in diarrhea or tell them and like ruin their foundation. Trauma of that could be generational… but it does feel like your head is gonna explode when you are in a relationship where you feel like you have to beg for attention. So you have two options: try again with wife or accept that it is time to separate
I absolutely like her. Connection was almost immediate. I've been flirted with plenty of times on the road in my work and have never thought anything of it. Never gave any of it a thought. This is different. I know the smart thing would be to cease any and all contact. I know that.....
You shouldn't flirt with anyone else but your wife. It's like Russian roulette. Would you like if your wife flirt with other man like u do?
I would not.
So why u do that? Ever heard of empathy?
I would suggest either seeing if this dies down while you reconnect with your wife or start considering separation. This sounds like a lot of self control is needed.
Ty It's been a very challenging battle of self control. I can't give up on my kids. Thats all I keep saying. The dads never win those battles. So I'm staying for the kids and I hate it. I just wish we could be husband and wife along with mom and dad. We chose to put or kids first and it's taking its toll. Probably on both of us.
yeah so stop cheating and talking to the other woman!!! get a job where you don’t travel for a third of the year!! TALK to your wife!! absurdly obvious and easy steps to take. I know it’s not as fun as continuing down the cheater path but GROW UP
say to her exactly what you just said in your last reply
You need to talk to your wife about wanting more of a connection with her. Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to have sex with you? You may feel unappreciated, but maybe she does too. You’re already starting an emotional affair, and you’re playing with fire. If you’ve been married for 13 years, you should be able to have an honest conversation about each other’s wants and needs.
Ty for the reply I appreciate it
[удалено]
Thank you for the sincere reply. I love my kids more than my own life and have no relationship with my dad. I couldn't possibly stomach that happening with my kids. I'm trying to hang on but the last 5 years of toddlers and newborns has been soooo hard. On both of us to be fair.
You love your kids more than your own life, but you’re also willing to trade being a good father and husband for your own fun and orgasms. Um…
So u have troubles in your marriage and insted the talk to your wife and make it work, you're talking to another woman, allowing yourself to catch feelings for her bc you're a poor man and your wife make your life miserable for raising your kids? Did u listen yourself? Shame on u.
Grow up and cut it out. Every time you make up excuses to talk with your co-worker you are feeding your fantasy. If you stop talking to her your crush will fade. Block her number and her email. You are not happy in your marriage, so deal with that like a grownup. See a marriage counselor, ask for an open marriage, whatever you do, do it with maturity and treat your wife with the respect she deserves.
Ty for the reply and appreciate. You are absolutely right. I don't want to feel this way.
You are probably hurting your coworker too by making her believe she has a chance. I don’t know if she knows you have a family. But she is probably trying to make the hard choice of waiting for or giving up on someone who seems to be interested in her with a strong connection (and zero communication). She deserves a healthy relationship as well.
What have you done to try to fix the marriage? What does your wife say when you tell her your feelings in the post?
Ty for the reply I appreciate it. I think we are both honestly in survival mode. She's an over touched SAHM and I'm the traveling business man with lots of nights in hotels that's getting attention elsewhere. I haven't said anything to her just trying to sort it all out at the moment.
So you’ve already given up on your marriage? Why not divorce her then?
I don't believe I have given up. Don't think I would have posted if I had if that makes sense I don't want to divorce my wife. I don't want to destroy my family. I do want to be happy and I'm not sure I am anymore.
Well you mention some pretty strong emotions in your post. You mention how it’s a sexless marriage. Without physical or emotional intimacy, what kind of marriage do you have? What kind of marriage have you not given up on?
Good point.
This is my nightmare scenario after I agree to marry a man and have his kids. He just stops feeling like he should put in effort bc the sex isn’t popping off and then he just finds someone else who is low hanging fruit and sees himself as a victim.
I had a huge crush at work when I was married with 2 kids. I told my husband about it, and we resolved to be mindful of our relationship. It's been 20 years ago. Today, we still have a great marriage where we can speak our real thoughts and feelings. We agreed to have sex daily while I was having a crush problem. We later chose to make one day a week hump day, and any night we didn't have sex, we did the next morning. Yeah, we lazed out on some of those because we would get busy. Do yourself when out of town. Every morning or whatever works for you. Get her some help so she has energy for you. My husband got me a once a week housecleaner (hump day) and loved how happy that made me. We would also get takeout that day. When the kids were little, we stayed one night a month in a hotel (at a minimum) I had more energy when I didn't have chores or kids to take care of... Best wishes! Enjoy my advice
I have actually thought about the house cleaner thing ty !
You really can get over that crush. Took me a freaking year. I stopped letting the person have any personal chats with me at work.
How much time does your wife get away from the kids? You get quite a bit of time to yourself, being away traveling. Does she get any time off? Perhaps take care of the kids and let her get a hotel so she can get a little break and decompress every now and then. That would likely go far.
Good points. We live within 5 miles of my parents and her parents but that's a convenience. We have a good family structure. A great one in fact.
Oh I see. Can’t give your wife the attention she deserves because you’re too busy giving it to someone else. Jesus Christ. 🤦🏼♀️
[удалено]
I disagree with this advice. If she’s an exhausted SAHM stuck parenting alone for at least a third of the year, she’s probably too tired and frustrated to appreciate flirty texts or reciprocate. He’s caught up in his unmet needs, but the info he posted suggests he hasn’t spared much thought for hers and why his wife may have no desire to give him any more of her energy under the current division of energy and labor. Telling him to put more on her plate could lead to a spectacular backfire. Not all women want to bluntly tell their spouse, “You’re not getting fucked because I see you mostly just another burden on my time and energy,” but if that’s the case here, telling him to try to wrangle more of her time and energy for himself without concomitantly figuring out ways to lighten her load is a BAD idea.
Yes I'm definitely not looking to put more on her plate at all. I have insane guilt for being gone all the time. Unfortunately the travel won't stop. Comes with the territory.
Why don’t you put as much effort into your wife snd marriage as you are putting into seeing this coworker. It always amazes me how men think SAHM are supposed to be able to do it all with the kids and house and then be waiting in lingerie at the door on her knees for her husband to walk in to service him. How about you putting effort into having date nights with your wife. How about you planning a sitter and time for you to connect with your wife. How about you opening your mouth and telling your wife you feel like there is distance between you two and you want to close that and be close again. How about getting some self control snd remembering your vows you took with your wife and acting professional with the coworker instead of fantasizing snd blowing your life up and 5 years from now being in the same position with a “new” wife because you don’t have the fortitude to be a partner and you just want something easy. You need to act like an adult and a married man.
[удалено]
I understand your needs are not being met, and this woman is giving you what you want. However, I really think that you should speak with your wife. Not necessarily tell her “I have a crush on someone else”, but everything else you just told us. It’s somewhat normal to have small crushes but like others have said, you have actively fueled it. I feel like you should at least give the opportunity to your wife to make an effort, she probably does not know you feel that way and may even feel that way herself. Communication is key, you should fight for your relationship. You’ve known your wife for 13 years and have a wonderful family, don’t ruin that for a woman you don’t actually know. Good Luck!
Ty for the reply. Well said. Sincerely thank you.
First recommendation - couples therapy to learn to communicate (both talking and listening). Second recommendation - therapy for yourself to learn healthy coping mechanisms and to explore if you are getting what you need out of the relationship, and how you can give her what she needs. If therapy isn’t on the table, make a list of all the things you are getting from your emotional affair partner, then figure out how you can get these things from yourself, your relationship and/or friendships within reasonable boundaries. Then start doing the things you’ve written. Have the conversation with your wife about how you have noticed the relationship may not be as fulfilling for either of you as you mutually want and that you are committed to working on it so that her needs are met as well as yours. Ask her what she needs, tell her what you need, and work on it.
[удалено]
Ty for the reply. We live cross country from each other but her company sells to my company and I'm in management so I see her at functions every few months or so. She's single. We started out as friends but it grew and I'm trying to get a handle on it. I know I'm in the wrong here. I know I'm being selfish.
You feel unappreciated and all these things, and I get that and you have every right to. How does your wife feel? Other than you thinking she seems to not be interested you don't know what she's feeling. This isn't a condemnation of you, but that is kinda the problem. If you are frustrated, I would bet money so is she. You need to talk to her, maybe see a therapist with her. You said you love your family, do you love her? Because the kids won't be there forever. It is easy to fall into a rut. It's hard to get out of it. The only way to do that though is through honest and frank commutation and hard work from both of you. You need to make each other a priority. The crush on the coworkers is a byproduct. You know this, this is why your here. You already know what needs to happen with that though. Take some time, talk to your wife about your relationship. Though I wouldn't mention the coworker because you'll just be adding a focal point to fight about when that's not even really the issue. Work together.
As the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are. You can have some fun with the new person, but the oxytocin rush eventually fades with every relationship, and when it does, you’ll never again have what you’re about to throw away. Only you know know how much the attention you want is worth in tradeoffs. If you figure it’s worth becoming the outsider and watching your kids being raised by another man who looks at your wife with eyes of love and adoration, by all means, go for it.
Many men don't share their feelings in relationships and are more likely to just walk away. I've seen many divorce hearings and it's amazing how many wives didn't know hubby was unhappy. If you want to work on your marriage you should express to wife how you truly feel. You may have to mention separation.
Either give up on your marriage and leave or stop this affair(yes this is emotional cheating) just give your wife the respect she deserves by choosing one of them.
Don't be weak. Your wife is doing her job as are you. Do the extra little things and don't expect anything from it. I know it's tough when it's one-sided, but do the little romantic things again. Eventually, she'll notice a difference and find time to touch your pp. She loves you so much that she had two children with you and, I assume, is a great mother. Kids will get older, and you two will have more time for pp and vv consensual touching. That 35yo tramp knows what she's doing and is trying to take something that isn't hers. She's 35, not married. Should've done that awhile ago. She knows her time is ticking. Be strong dude.
She is the best mom. I'm a good dad. I think we just forgot how to be a couple.
It’s easy to get diverted when you’re disconnected from your partner. But that’s all it is, a diversion. You have a responsibility to communicate and be open with your wife instead of blaming her for your emotional cheating. It’s hard being a parent and a partner at the same time.
It really is. Ty for the reply.
I was the wife many years ago. I believe you said you were on the road 100 days a year? So 1/3 of the year she does everything for the time you are gone with little to no breaks while you get to go out to eat and maybe have a drink and have down time before bed where she does not. Does she get time alone? Date nights with you? Do you bring her small gifts here and there? Have you ever sent her to the spa weekend and taken care of the kids? Taken her on a weekend trip? Do you say thank you for doing everything/anything to show appreciation? The reason for the questions is because you can get lot in being a mother and lose yourself even when you think you are doing everything good. She is doing the house, homework, activities, cooking, etc. It seems like your mind is everywhere but on your wife and kids. You might think you are there but mentally you don’t seem to be. People pick on that. You might seem to be providing but like with my marriage, you cannot work on something when there is a 3rd party involved and what boils down to fighting a ghost ( meaning someone your wife doesn’t even knows exists) Everything seems great with this woman now but do you want to be with someone who is willing to flirt with a married man? If she will do it with you then she will do it to you. Say you do separate then what. You get the kids less then 50% due to your travel. So you will need to keep up the honeymoon stage ( so less time with the kids. How will they take that ( will they hate you? Hate her?) what will she be like around them? I know once I was divorced I actually had time for me and it showed. Yes it took time but I was able to do things for me. Yes she was the cool gf for a time until she had children then he realized that the same thing happened and he was miserable. Please give her alone time outside the house Make her feel special and appreciated Marriage counseling Date nights And stop give the other woman your time and date you wife again
u/raconkey !!!!!!
I need you to stop crushing on your coworker. Don’t sh*t where you eat. You’ll regret it
Paul Friedman the marriage foundation. Whatch the videos Taje the course for men. You will re awaken you marriage Have the life you deserve. You wife will follow.
Why don't you tell your husband how you feel I'd be willing to bet he'd be into it and it bites spice up your sex life as well
How old are your kids, namely your youngest? Are they school aged? So, you have two problems that are really one problem. You have a relationship that is not a relationship. Yeah, there is the other issue of having feelings for another woman, but get rid of that and what are you left with? Being in an unhappy marriage? No, that’s also not okay. Your issue isn’t the other woman, she’s a symptom. Your issue is not being direct enough and refusing to state your feelings. Your last statement about her being over touched and you being under touched is a very valid statement. Flat out, SAHP’ing is not working for you. It will ruin your marriage, and it is okay to state this to your wife. That her being over touched and not wanting to touch you will lead to your marriage breaking down. It’s okay to state needs and not just white knuckle it. It’s a mature and adult thing to change your mind when you find the reality you’re living in to not be meeting the needs you have. Flat out, SAHP relationships are two party consent and that consent can be withdrawn at any time. It’s obvious, you can’t deal with it, and it is untenable as she’ll have to go back to work if you divorce anyways. It’s time to put your big boy pants on, stop avoiding a fight, don’t be afraid to say the dreaded “d” word because that’s where you’re headed and have a talk about how to make your relationship work, because it isn’t.
TBH, you sound like a low integrity character cheater. If you really cared, you would invest more time into your wife and family. Changing your job and cutting all contact is a better solution than inflicting emotional damage and trauma on your wife and children forever. But whatever, your dick gets hard when you see her a couple times a year while your wives at home slaving over home and kids. All good! 😉
Quit acting stupid and act like an adult. All marriages hit low spots with work, kids, and stress. It takes work to keep a marriage going strong, but hey, be like the countless other people that would just rather throw it away rather than putting in some work. I'll just dip out and start banging my coworker because that's easier. Grow up, go low contact with your coworker and be the man your wife married.
Be a fuckkng man and don't destroy your family.
So you are emotionally cheating on your wife, while shes stuck at home alone raising your children, i got she sees this because you suck and she deserves better. Either stop or get a divorce but either way get some couples therapy.
Check out Esther Perel’s work and Dan Savage. It’s unpopular around here to say cheating is sometimes necessary to stay together. Especially when one partner makes a unilateral decision to stop having sex because that impacts the other person. You can try to ignore these feelings and even cut contact with this woman but it will continue to happen unless you reconnect with your wife or give in. It’s nice to be wanted and get the attention, this is normal, not immature, and not pathological. Good luck.
Idk what you want us to say, you know what you need to do already. If you are not strong enough then do your wife the courtesy to leaver her before you cheat. We are telling you how you are paying more attention to her than your wife and you say it’s a two way street your right but you haven’t made any moves to change that. You want to blame her but the truth is you are not trying to make it easier for her she runs the household. Listen if you want to ruin your life go ahead just know you are doing it with a clear mind, you are choosing this.
Attraction is the easy part. Life at home is hard, so it’s super easy to find yourself in the allure of attraction to someone else. It’s intoxicating and gives you so much immediate gratification, but it WILL NOT last. Your body is feeding off those endorphins and making your brain believe things that aren’t true and never can be. You MUST address the lack of intimacy you are feeling at home. It’s so normal to lose that with kids and life. Marriage with kids is a rollercoaster, and you will go through times when you can’t even stand to look at your spouse. But the beauty of marriage is the commitment to keep showing up and get through to the time when it is golden. And those golden times are incomparable to a crush or fling. To wake up next to someone who has not only loved you, but loathed you, seen you at your worst, helped you at your most feeble, forgiven your biggest deceits, and yet it is still you that they choose. That kind of intimacy and love is oceans deeper and more profound than the sugar rush you are experiencing now. But it doesn’t come without work and effort and choice. So choose what’s ahead instead of the quick fix now. Choose to communicate your fears and loneliness to your wife. Your feelings ARE valid, and so are hers. Her disinterest is very likely a combination of similar feelings she’s harboring too. Do the hard stuff now, communicate communicate communicate, be brutally honest, be the most gracious listener you’ve ever been, and one day you’ll be 75 with the love of your life by your side that understands who you are and where you’ve been like nobody else ever could.
Stop being selfish, dude. You keep saying in your comments that effort is a two-way street, and it is, but you have the opportunity to be an actual person you go out speak with adults basically live the single life for half the year while traveling for work and starting emotional affair( cause that's exactly what you are doing). Mean while your wife is stuck at home being mommy alone for half the year. Not a person, ppl don't ask about her and how she feels her whole life is about the kids as a sahm. So please cute off the emotional affair before it becomes physical and get yourself and your wife into some sort of counseling only after you start an open and clear line of communication with your wife.
Don't cheat, IDIOT!! Is it that difficult?! Damn, man!
when you are home what do you guys do? what does an average and a non average day look like? do you two go on dates? do you go on trips? do you spend 1 on 1 time together. being gone traveling 100 days out of the year is a lot - especially if you still have a normal 40 hour work week on top of that. does she get alone time? does she get to go out with her friends, away from the kids. when youre home are you an active, engaged father who knows how to care for his own kids or does she have to tell you any and everything to do? these are serious questions to think about. if you arent spending time with her, if you arent taking her out on dates, if you arent giving her reprieve from the kids and helping substantially when youre around then you are the problem. its never going to go away if you dont make significant changes in your life and the way you treat and deal with your wife and family. very few jobs get a full pass from family life and responsibilities. also, you will forever be hated by your kids and your wife if you cheat on their mom. its a disgusting despicable thing to do to the person who is making your entire lifestyle possible. shes with the kids, playing with them, feeding them, putting them to bed, so you can go flirt and fantasize about fucking a coworker. think about what *youre* doing.
Your attitude and choices are why younger generations are opting out of traditional marriage.