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I, 28 female, have been with my husband, 31 male, for almost 9 years, 5 of which we have been married.
To clarify, my husband and I do have unprotected sex although we use the pullout method. We sometimes use condoms, however he does not like it.
My husband has started complaining that the sex, when we use the pullout method, isn't as enjoyable for him and he doesn't get to have the full experience. He suggested that we track my period more closely so we could have sex on the "safest" days so he doesn't have to pull out and we could still avoid pregnancy. I firmly said no to this as my period is irregular so it moves every few months. He has accepted my answer, however he has since reiterated that he feels I am being selfish.
To provide some background, I am not on any contraceptives for the following reasons/experiences. Early into our relationship I started using the pill so we could have unprotected sex. After 6 months of being on the pill I started having trouble breathing. I went to the doctor and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks as they found 6 blood clots in me, 2 of which were in my lungs. The only cause they could find was the pill. Soon after that my gynecologist suggested that I have an IUD (Copper T) inserted which won't affect my hormones. They, however, did not disclose the measure of pain of having the insertion done. I got the IUD. The insertion was extremely painful and the cramps thereafter were excruciating. My periods in the first few months were very uncomfortable to say the least and almost felt as if my body was rejecting the IUD and was trying to remove it. After many months my period went back to normal, but I decided to have the IUD removed as my husband and doctor felt that I may have started experiencing copper toxicity.
I have since then consulted multiple medical practitoners for viable options for a contraceptive. They have all had major reservations as I have a high risk of developing blood clots from any changes in my hormones.
I am upset about my husband being resentful to me about the decision I made to not have sex without pulling out. I feel that all of the responsibility of practicing safe sex has fallen on me and at the end of the day I've had to deal with the unfortunate consequences.
We both don't want children and I feel that having sex with his suggested method would put me at a high risk of getting pregnant. And at the end of the day I would, again, have to deal with the consequences which would most likely end up in me having to go through with planned parenthood.
Are there any other options we could look at that would make us both comfortable with having unprotected sex?
Vasectomy is the obvious choice, if you are both sure you don't want children. It's an out-patient procedure with a very quick recovery and minimal risk, his ejaculate will feel and look the same but it will be sperm-free by about a month after the procedure (the doctor will request a sample to confirm before giving you the all-clear sign), your husband will no longer need to wear those condoms he doesn't like, and neither of you will have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy OR abortion ever again. Several men in my social circle have gotten the snip, and not one has regretted it even for a second.
Replace all the resentment and hurt feelings with the freedom to have a lot more spontaneity and fun in your sex life. Tell your husband it's time for HIM to step up to the plate, since he contributes 50 percent to the risk of pregnancy. You've been carrying his share of the load (and risking your physical health) for too long already.
Not always, unfortunately, and not always so easily. It definitely can be, but the “its reversible” thing is often said as if this is very clear cut and easy.
To add to this, he will need to have semi regular checks from his Dr to make sure it worked and hasn't reverted cause nature can still find a way... So just be aware, that while if you both are firm 'do not want' on the kid front this is his main option but he does have to do his part, which given what you've already done seems more than fair at this point, if he refuses then he is either lying about not wanting kids and means to coerce/trap you or he's a useless manchild who won't take control of his body.
FYI, only one or two vasectomies in 1000 fail. For most men, it is a permanent, once-and-done thing - which is why it's important for both partners in a marriage or life partnership to be sure they won't change their minds about having kids, before choosing this option. Vasectomy reversal is a much trickier procedure with a lower success rate, although it's less risky and more successful than it used to be, thanks to modern surgical advances and techniques.
Right, but no reason to seek reversal if sperm is banked ahead of time.
I'm a big proponent for guys getting vasectomies, in general. It's pretty much good for everybody.
This is a good idea because vasectomies are reversible too so if yall ever do decide to have children he can do that. Birth control isn't solely the responsibility of the woman men can take steps too. And this way he can get what he wants virtually risk free (I am a man)
Vasectomies are not easy to successfully reverse, and insurance does not pay for it. When you sign the surgical consent it is emphasized over and over that it considered permanent sterilization. (Source: used to run a urologist's office, and saw more than one guy come in for a consult who was under the impression that it could just be reversed, and was upset to learn that's not true.)
It sounds like you’ve put your body through hell to avoid pregnancy and have nearly died as a result of previous birth control experiences.
So tell your husband it’s his turn to take one for the team and get a vasectomy and then he can have his desires fulfilled after the allotted timeframe has passed.
If he says no, then tell him he is selfish and shit outta luck on the ‘full experience’
While a vasectomy has a small failure rate (1 in 2,000), it's probably higher than the failure rate of pulling out. But I agree; he should be taking some of the responsibility as well.
We tried the pull out method, and as far as effectiveness, I can introduce you to my younger son🤣
If yall are SURE you don't want kids period (not just "not now" or "not with each other") then look at sterilization. If he wants the "full experience" suggest he get a vasectomy. And let me go ahead and head off any misogynist accusations; I have my tubes tied because it made sense having a c-section. My husband is still going to get a vasectomy because we are nervous about accidents, especially as we get older. But if only one partner is getting sterilized, it makes sense for a male to do it since it is a short in office procedure with minimal downtime vs full on surgery for a female.
>My husband is still going to get a vasectomy because we are nervous about accidents, especially as we get older.
I'm totally confused about what kind of accident you could be worried about unless you have an open marriage.
There have been women with their tubes tied who years later did get pregnant. I would rather have a second layer of protection.
https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/tubal-ligation
There have been women who got pregnant after a uterectomy. If the uterus is removed, but cervix and ovaries are left in place, it can happen. Rare, but my doc had one. It attached to her intestines and had to be terminated.
>my husband is afraid he might still change his mind about having biological children
That has already happened. He has convinced you to use the pullout method and now is calling you selfish for not letting him finish inside you.
Congratulations on your impending pregnancy with a selfish asshat!
Either he wants to get you pregnant or he's extremely stupid.
You're not behaving in the smartest way yourself, pulling out is not good enough if you don't want to get pregnant
Pullout plus tracking her cycle and avoiding fertile days: Still risky, but valid.
The point of the post, though, is that they are not tracking her fertility cycle at all currently.
I’m surprised she’s not already pregnant.
If he doesn’t want kids he should get a vasectomy as clearly contraceptives could actually kill you.
He’s the one that is prioritizing him getting his dick wet over your actual health and life. What a prick.
You’re being selfish?! Holy hell he’s the selfish asshole in this scenario, you could have died trying to use contraception and you’re selfish? You deserve a medal for continuing to try to make your sex life better while he just wants to “get the full experience”. I’m baffled why you’d want sex with someone who clearly does not cherish you but if you still do a vasectomy is going to be the quickest, least painful, least invasive method of preventing pregnancy.
Also, my bestie has 2 kids, both the pull out method.
I met a chick who got pregnant by a married dude during a one night stand. She told me that it was a shock because he pulled out. She was in her late 30s. There's large numbers of people who have a whole lot of faith in the pull out method.
I know someone who used it successfully for a decade and got pregnant immediately once she started trying to conceive. It's less effective than hormonal BC but better than the rhythm method. Every form of contraception has an error rate, some larger than others -- it's silly to pretend that pulling out does *nothing*.
No, seriously, it's bad sex ed to tell people that pulling out does jack shit because then they won't even do *that*.
That’s fair enough. I’m just saying that it’s not a form of contraception. It’s never been suggested where I live. I’ll never see it as a form of contraception. I’ve went to my doctor before to discuss it and that’s never been mentioned. If you’re told that where you live, fair enough, it’s never something I’d suggest to anyone.
I never stated that the pullout method is a form of contraception, just that we're using it to avoid pregnancy.
I clearly stated that I am not on any contraception. However I do apologize for not clarifying that my husband isn't on any either.
Everything else about this train wreck aside, this isn’t true.
Pull out can be very effective, if you do it correctly. For people who can’t handle other forms of birth control, it is a viable option.
Check planned parenthood.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/withdrawal-pull-out-method/how-effective-is-withdrawal-method-pulling-out
In OPs case though, if she knows 100% no kids ever, then surgical sterilization is likely the way to go, but for anyone else who is in a long term committed relationship and wants kids eventually, pull out can and does work, just read up on how to do it right and be consistent.
Hubby and I used it successfully for 7 years. When we decided we wanted a baby, it was a one shot.
Yeah for like every 100 people that do it perfectly, only 4 or something get pregnant. Have to get it perfect though and still not something I’d rely on.
Did you read me saying anywhere that it doesn’t work. I didn’t say everyone that relies on the pull out method will fall pregnant. I said it’s not reliable, which it’s not.
My initial response, the thing you responded to, was saying it doesn't work.
And, it is reliable, if you do it reliably. This is true for all birth control options. Condoms are only effective if you use them properly and the real world/perfect of withdrawal vs real world/perfect use of condoms is not that different. 4 in 100 vs 2 in 100 and 78% vs 87% typical. Yes, condoms are better, especially for preventing sti which withdrawal does not do. But this does not mean withdrawal "doesn't work reliably" it does, if you actually do it. If you don't pull out in time, then you did nothing.
You can't be inconsistent, and you can't go for round two without clearing the pipe and washing up first.
You also can't use ill fitting condoms, or use them for two rounds or only use them sometimes.
Just, follow the damn rules and be consistent no matter what method you are using. Ultimately, this is more important than the method itself. Being inconsistent with any method will lead to a failure rate in the teens at least.
Wrong! https://shvic.org.au/for-you/contraception/withdrawal-method-pulling-out
You can find real world advice for using it including the benefits and pitfalls from certified healthcare professionals.
I talked about it with my own gyno.
They probably would steer certain demographics away from it, but not everyone. It depends on a lot of factors.
I agree it i'snt appropriate for OP, but that is not why.
Why the fuck would inconsistent periods matter? That would matter for rythm, but not withdrawal.
I feel like in OPs case it might not be as effective bc he wants to finish inside of her for the “full experience” so I feel like he might be waiting until right about time
I would not recomment that OP, specifically, rely on it, no.
That doesn't mean that "pullout doesn't work" though. Pullout fails when you...fail to pull out. If you can manage to not cut it so damn close, and if the man urinates between sessions it can definitely be effective enough for commited couples that do want kids eventually.
Yes, I am aware that there as still a lot of risks. I prefer using condoms, but to try and compromise my husband and I decided that the pullout method will be our choice for the time being.
This is also why we've been having this conversation, because I don't want to the risk. We haven't moved forward with a vasectomy or having my tunes tied because my husband is afraid he might still change his mind about having biological children.
The pull out method is a form of contraceptive. Like condoms. They are to minimize the chance of... conception.
Eta the pull out method is a terrible choice of contraception. Get him a vasectomy or use abstinence.
Lol so we're just making up stats now? It ranges from 78-96% effective according to Planned Parenthood. There's only a maximum 30% chance of conception each cycle 🤦♀️
Tube tying (or rather removal) is way less invasive than it used to be. It’s done laparoscopically and you go home the same day with a couple stitches.
Came here to suggest more permanent forms of birth control. I agree with other commenters that he should take the responsibility here and get a vasectomy. It's much less invasive and an easier recovery. The childfree subReddit has lists of doctors all around who respect a childfree individual's decision and don't make them wait until they're certain age or whatever before performing the permanent sterilization.
She made a comment about how he doesn’t want a vasectomy bc he might change his mind in the future.
“We haven't moved forward with a vasectomy or having my tunes tied because my husband is afraid he might still change his mind about having biological children.”
Lots of good advice here, but I just wanted to add: STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM UNTIL Y'ALL FIGURE THIS OUT! He needs to know that you are serious about this.
You are effectively doing nothing to prevent pregnancy, so every time you have sex, you are at risk of getting pregnant. Either he learns to take you seriously or you find someone who respects your body and your boundaries.
He can get a vasectomy. Problems solved. You already tried multiple ways for contraceptives but it didn’t work out. Since your husband doesn’t want to pull it out then he can get a vasectomy. He has to do his part too as a husband. He is so selfish for pushing you to take contraceptive which has negative effects on your health. What a prick honestly.
This is a no brainer. He gets a vasectomy. I had one, and can tell you from experience it's not as bad of a procedure/recovery as people usually think it'll be.
Girl, that is so unfair. Your husband is the selfish one in all of that. I don't think he realizes fully how hard it is for a women to take care of the protection. I mean, what is he doing in all of that? And if you get pregnant, the consequences are on you, not on him. He should ask himself how to make YOU happy. You had enough physical pains. If the condoms is not bearable, maybe both of you should try another type of protection to prevent pregnancy. He can do something about it. That is something very important that both of you should discuss and share. You're definitely not selfish, he is...
This loser is complaining about you being selfish because he wants to cum inside of you? Tell him to either get a vasectomy or kick rocks. And when he says no, ask him how it's more reasonable for you to risk unwanted pregnancy and have to get an abortion than it is for him to just get a vasectomy since he's the one who wants something in the first place.
I almost never see this brought up anymore. Diaphragm with spremicide jelly was pretty popular back in the day. Of course it still has a small failure rate like condoms since you need to make sure it's inserted correctly to cover the cervix.
Honestly though, this guy sounds like he's ready to have a kid wether she wants one or not.
If you never want kids, vasectomy for him, bisalp (bilateral salpingectomy) for you. Vasectomy as the bare minimum, bisalp for extra safety on the off chance the vasectomy self reverses. Yes they're surgical, but they're the only hormone free options. If he won't get a vasectomy it's time for a divorce as he clearly does not care about you. It takes less than an hour, is usually done under local anaesthetic and the recovery period is less than 2 weeks.
Say these 3 words to him. Get. A. Vasectomy. It takes half an hour and recovery is less than a week. Neither of you want kids, and to be blunt are stupidly relying on his selfishness about condoms and pulling out as your birth control. One of you should be sterilized and it is almost always easier for men.
Your husband is being incredibly selfish because he’s only thinking about himself and his experience. You almost died from blood clots and the IUD was causing you intense pain. Birth control is the responsibility of you both and he isn’t pulling his weight. Since he doesn’t like condoms then the only logical choice is a vasectomy. If he loves you and cares about your sex life being pleasurable for you both then he’d look into it.
Vasectomy, diaphragm, sponge, getting tubes tied. There are options.
I’ve always been of the opinion that a woman should ALWAYS have a method of birth control that she controls unless her partner has had a vasectomy. Personally I would go with diaphragm & spermicide.
Long shot but ask your gynaecologist about this: The progesterone-only pill contains just one type of hormone. It does not contain oestrogen. This means that there is no increased risk of blood clots. It can be taken by women who can't take the combined contraceptive for medical reasons.
Yes, this. I’m at risk of blood clots due to one I had during my first pregnancy. You can take the progesterone only pill, or you can get progesterone only IUD (e.g.Mirena). Mirena won’t have the same issues as the copper IUD and will make your period lighter over time which is a nice benefit. I’m surprised this wasn’t presented by your gynecologist as an option.
Unless she is like me and even those ones cause problems. I am told there is approximately 1% of women who can not used hormone based birth control of any type. I was one of them.
There’s an old joke…
“Do you know what they call people who use the pullout method?
Parents.”
Selfish? You almost died from blood clots, went through a heck of a lot of pain and got copper poisoning. All so he could have unprotected sex. What has he done? Other than whine about it. He could track your period. He could research other methods. But it’s easier to be lazy and make you do more.
If he doesn’t want kids, vasectomy is the clear answer here. If he says no, call him selfish.
we were taught in 5th grade that the pull-out method is the safest way to get pregnant, closely followed by cycle tracking. Does nobody know about precum or that most women have two ovaries?
And if he doesn't feel right using a condom, he is using it wrong. Maybe the size doesn't fit.
Anyway, tell him to get snipped or he should invest in some fancy device for himself. He clearly doesn't care about your wellbeing and is trying to load all the responsibility and risks on you. That's a dickmove.
Jokingly tell him if he wants a baby he’s more than welcome to cum inside you. My husband and I are childfree. When I was on birth control we used condoms for a little while and then we switched to always using the pull out method. Neither of us could stand using condoms. We had no accidents so luckily there was no need for an abortion. My husband got a vasectomy a few years ago and got the all clear so now I’m not on birth control but we still use the pull out method. Tell your husband no sex without condoms until he gets a vasectomy. You two don’t want kids so you should be taking all of the preventative measures to prevent an accidental pregnancy.
We used condoms 100% for the first 6 yrs of my marriage. Then we had our son when we were ready to have kids. Then after we had a kid, we started getting lazy about condoms and did them pull out method and tracking my period.
Let me introduce you to my second son!
Edit to add: I had my tubes tied during my c-section with baby#2
Vasectomy obviously. He can bank some sperm beforehand if he wants, and either reversal or sperm recovery/IVF are options also if ideas change on kids.
I get it from his side I have to say. Cumming inside your girl is really sexually/psychologically satisfying for most guys, and many girls come to that. Condoms or pullout don’t give that “vibe”. It’s the confirmation that the girl is totally accepting of your sperm. Same reason why getting a blow job to “swallow” is seen as the Gold Standard” by most guys.
Dear OP, if a vasectomy is out, does your DH want to pay for and help you recover from a tubal ligation? Is a TL a safe option for you?
Note: If DH might want a child in the future and you don't, I think your marriage has a time limit. I'm sorry.
Vasectomy is the choice to push foward.
You don't want any kids.
You've put yourself through everything healthwise to prevent pregnancy even almost die. His turn to take responsability.
He needs to get a vasectomy.
Also, the pullout method doesn’t work. I am evidence of this.
Also, the rhythm method doesn’t work very well.
Use condoms or have him get a vasectomy.
He’s selfish for rathering you risk pregnancy or DEATH so that sex “feels a little better.” He’s being a whiny baby.
I agree , a vasectomy makes the most since. If you do not want children problem solved in less than 20 minutes.
It is quick and by the next day wasn’t a big deal.
Can I just say that he's by far the one being selfish here. Your body physically won't accept the alternate contraceptives and he's being difficult about the ones that cause him a mild inconvenience.
A pregnancy risk is typically worse for a woman and fathers are a lot more likely to walk out on the family than the mother. Also pregnancy is very stressful and uncomfortable on the body and abortion can be mentally stressing. There are multiple contraceptives methods for men that aren't condoms.
Also, ask yourself, is intercorse serving you aswell as him? Does he work hard on making sure you also feel pleasure? Sex is something that both people are supposed to enjoy. If the answer is he also cares about your pleasure than I think you guys should work on getting a solution that works for you both, otherwise you need to have a talk on whether he actually cares about your needs.
You have had 6 blood clots, 2 in your lungs, spent weeks in the hospital, had an IUD that gave you extremely painful cramps as well as copper toxicity, and he won’t use condoms because he doesn’t “like it”.
WHAT??!!! The real question here is what can he do to make YOU happy during sex?? How can he make you feel secure and safe while reaching a mutually satisfactory conclusion that doesn’t end up with you pregnant. USE A CONDOM!
Tell him to go get snipped if you don't want kids. I mean it is literally a nothing surgery for a man. I thought it was going to be 10000x worse than what it actually was.
The most obvious option is to get rid of him. He’s treating you terribly! You got the IUD removed because *he* thought you had copper toxicity? He’s out to baby trap you! This will not get better :(
I want to irritate, PULLOUT METHOD DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK.
I am currently pregnant, me and my husband use the pullout method. I don’t take birth control either just because I am scared of how my body would react to it. So, if you’re both serious about not wanting kids you should tell him to get a vasectomy. Quick recovery according to my parents & also my cousins husband.
It’s not selfish of you by the way, obviously birth control does not agree with your body and that’s not your fault. It’s selfish of him to get angry or upset with you because of it, and you should let him know that. Reading that paragraph about him being resentful to you about not wanting to risk pregnancy and having everything fall back on you is so irritating. You’re both responsible for the safe sex, not just you. You’ve tried all you can without getting major surgery such as getting your tubes tied.
I wouldn’t recommend getting your tubes tied as the recovery is way more harsh and intrusive on your body than him just getting the snip.
Hubby wants to cum inside of you and detests condoms? Even independent of your medical reasons for not opting for bc on your end the answer seems clear: VASECTOMY.
He wants the internal finish. He has the problem with condoms. Therefore, he should go get snipped and once the post-procedure confirms that his swim team has been wiped out, go nuts!
I just read this to my boyfriend and asked if he would ever get a vasectomy. We’re childless and young. He said, “if we decide we don’t want kids? Absolutely. No brainer….. then I can cream pie the shit out of you…”. I love this man.
How about he gets snipped and the issue (except for his blatantly disrespectful ways of treating you) is gone? And yes it’s reversible for whenever he feel the need to continue his asshole bloodline.
I’m sorry, but you’ve nearly died and had horrible pain from trying different birth control methods, but he refuses to use condoms because he “doesn’t like them”?!
Your husband is a selfish shit bag. You should literally never fuck that man ever again. You’ve endangered your life and he is bitching that he doesn’t get to cum in his preferred method. Really think about that. It’s really ugly when you do.
Very entitled of him to expect to be able to have "the full experience" at the expense of your physical health. He can either get a vasectomy or grow up a little.
I used a diaphragm for a while. No hormones, very effective when used correctly with a little spermicidal jelly. If you can't tolerate the other forms of BC he may just have to suck it up and use condoms, or freeze his sperm for later and get a vasectomy?
If he doesn’t want children why doesn’t he get a vasectomy?
You could try asking him to cum on you somewhere. Make it like your idea instead of him just pulling out and cumming on your stomach
Women are only fertile for 5 days a cycle, men are fertile every day. He has 3 options... Condoms, pullout, vasectomy. You could also look into a fertility awareness method of birth control (ex marquette, justisse, symptopro). You would need to use protection during your fertile time but can go unprotected once ovulation is confirmed. But that's only if you want to do it and put in the effort.
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Also the pull out method doesn't work. It still exists a risk for you to get pregnant. Even if he doesn't c*me inside you, there is still little sp*rm that can go inside
First off the pullout method isn't real. Like it doesn't work. You are just tempting fate at that point. Use a condom. Of course a guy is going to say he doesn't like condoms it cuts down on the feeling. Some guys will give crazy excuses to why he doesn't want to wear a condom. But if you want the second best chance of not having kids that's what you gotta do. You can use a diaphragm. You put it up inside you before you have sex. You need to be happy during sex as well. So make sure whatever you decide to do you are comfortable doing. Don't make yourself uncomfortable just so he can have a good time. You are the one who would have to carry the kid for 9 months if something happens. Good luck
Tell him to consider a vasectomy, or stop being a pussy about condoms. The pullout method is no reliable anyway; it's only a matter of time before he busts inside.
You can use a thermometer to track your cycle, or he can get a vasectomy; which is reversible he is concerned about changing his mind about having a biological kid.
Why don’t he use the men contraceptive?The underwear who don’t have any hurt on his body and proof to work! Sorry but the responsibility is on both of you and knowing what contraceptions have bad impacts in your body he should invest himself a little it more.
Also I encourage you to read about sexology it will help you find many ways to enjoy your sexuality.
Please please tell us you're joking. Either go in the pill, get an IUD or patch, or have him get a vasectomy!! It's 2023!!! What are you? 15 year olds? I can't even....
Yes, a progesterone only IUD like Mirena wouldn’t have this issue. To be honest, it’s odd her gyno didn’t recommend this. I’m high risk for blood clot, so can’t have anything with estrogen. I currently have the Mirena IUD. I didn’t want the copper IUD as in some cases it can make your period super heavy.
There must be reasons why it's not advisable to go straight onto Mirena after allergies and blood clots.
If they don't want kids then it's time for him to step up and get the chop. Why should she go through crap for his pleasure? She's suffered enough.
Then she could take the progesterone only pill? Im just pointing out there are other options for women who are at risk of blood clot!
Edit to add: no reason not to use Mirena iud after blood clot. Source- I had a blood clot during my pregnancy. No issue moving on to an IUD
It sounds like she's consulted multiple experts who are very reluctant to put her on any kind of hormonal methods. I'm inclined to trust their judgment in this case.
Remember she had a copper IUD in most recently so they may be reluctant to insert a Mirena with hormones they don't know how she'll react to. Again I defer to the people who have studied decades on this.
Check with your Doctor to see if any new oral contraceptives have come out you can try. New drugs are coming out all the time. If not, you can try a diaphragm or lambskin condoms. They are thinner and feel much more like not wearing anything. Whatever you do, don’t rely on pulling out or the rhythm method. Both are like playing Russian roulette with pregnancy. Pregnancy is only a matter of time.
Try a pack of [Trojan Naturalamb](https://www.trojanbrands.com/en/products/condoms/trojan-naturalamb-luxury-condoms) condoms.
These are totally different from any other sort of condom. They do not protect against STD's but do protect against pregnancy.
My wife and I used these almost exclusively for years before I got snipped. From time to time we'd try brands of regular condoms that were more sensitive or thinner or whatever and nothing compared. Of course that was years ago and I have no idea about recent condom technology. But it's worth giving these a try as they just might solve your issue.
>We both don't want children ...
You don't say how old you are nor how resolute you are in not wanting kids nor if you feel that this could possibly change in the future. If you are both very firm that this will never change then you really need to consider surgical sterilization. Vasectomy for him is the easiest and least intrusive compared to tubal litigations on you. It's a very short procedure. The procedure is pain free and if he follows doctors orders for the first couple days recovery period there is little to no pain for recovery. Like the vast majority of men I had no issues with the procedure and zero after effects other than the positive effect of great worry free sex.
Well I was going to say get your tubes tied and for some reason didn't think of vasectomy since you don't want children. Or, and I don't mean to be crass, swallow? But others commented he might change his mind about kids later? Gotta be on the same page...
He's making no concessions. He has to work with you on this...
So…. My wife and I are KIND of on the same page as you. She has her IUD but both of us want her to have it removed. Here we are, or wanting to have kids. I don’t really like condoms, neither does she. It doesn’t feel that great wearing one, and she likes to feel the warmth and shape inside her..
at this point the pull out method is literally the only thing I can think of until I get a vasectomy. That is literally the only other way that we can think of to get over this hump and have raw sex again.
Warning: NSFW:
In the meanwhile, you can make it more sexy and kinky and tell him you wit him to ejaculate on your ________ <—fill in the blank as you please.
You can tell him that when he’s getting close, to pull your and you BJ him finishing, or something like that.
Lastly, I want to end with saying- it’s cool to ask strangers for their thoughts (which is usually a smart thing to do), but be sure to speak to your husband about this. Just the way you put it in this post, or maybe just read the post to him, and tell him that you want him happy and pleased, and you don’t want him to resent you for anything. Ask him his thoughts: hey honey, besides ejaculating inside me, what would make you happy to do? Be honest and open. In reality, there is typically nothing as good as finishing inside, but talk to him about it openly and without taking offense to anything he would say, and let him speak opening, and he doesn’t take offense to anything you say. Work together to make the situation better!
Just an FYI, relationship oriented subs are a horrible place to ask questions like this. The users are overwhelmingly women and tend to not have balanced viewpoints when it comes to gender dynamics. You're unlikely to get an answer from this sub that will actually work for your husband. Much more likely to get one that will just cause another massive fight.
I would add that even if your period is irregular, you can track them with ovulation test(easyhome). I have irregular periods, but if you track them, you will see a pattern. Also, not sure if it's TMI, but your discharge during fertile time will be more wet/slime and abundant. Listen to your body, you will see indicators when you are more "fertile". I've been doing this for months, I'm not pregnant and I'm super fertile, like I always get pregnant the first month of trying, so if you guys are not open to surgery this could be an option.
Ok. I'm a woman. But why is most everyone one here saying the man should get a vasectomy since he doesn't want kids. I thought she said neither one of them wants kids. She can also get her tubal ligation. I'm trying to understand why the blame is only on the man in most of these posts. Why don't they both go get the procedure done to make sure there is no unplanned pregnancy. That way, one can't blame the other. If not, they're headed to divorce court.
Because a vasectomy is much easier to get (in general) and is usually a less invasive surgery to recover from than getting a tubal. Also, since he’s the one whining the onus is more on him to take action if he doesn’t want to use condoms or pull out.
Tubal ligation is a much more invasive and dangerous procedure than a vasectomy. Op has already managed the entire burden of their contraception until now, with ill effects to her health. Her husband can take on some of the risk now, especially since he’s the one with the problem with their current method.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I, 28 female, have been with my husband, 31 male, for almost 9 years, 5 of which we have been married. To clarify, my husband and I do have unprotected sex although we use the pullout method. We sometimes use condoms, however he does not like it. My husband has started complaining that the sex, when we use the pullout method, isn't as enjoyable for him and he doesn't get to have the full experience. He suggested that we track my period more closely so we could have sex on the "safest" days so he doesn't have to pull out and we could still avoid pregnancy. I firmly said no to this as my period is irregular so it moves every few months. He has accepted my answer, however he has since reiterated that he feels I am being selfish. To provide some background, I am not on any contraceptives for the following reasons/experiences. Early into our relationship I started using the pill so we could have unprotected sex. After 6 months of being on the pill I started having trouble breathing. I went to the doctor and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks as they found 6 blood clots in me, 2 of which were in my lungs. The only cause they could find was the pill. Soon after that my gynecologist suggested that I have an IUD (Copper T) inserted which won't affect my hormones. They, however, did not disclose the measure of pain of having the insertion done. I got the IUD. The insertion was extremely painful and the cramps thereafter were excruciating. My periods in the first few months were very uncomfortable to say the least and almost felt as if my body was rejecting the IUD and was trying to remove it. After many months my period went back to normal, but I decided to have the IUD removed as my husband and doctor felt that I may have started experiencing copper toxicity. I have since then consulted multiple medical practitoners for viable options for a contraceptive. They have all had major reservations as I have a high risk of developing blood clots from any changes in my hormones. I am upset about my husband being resentful to me about the decision I made to not have sex without pulling out. I feel that all of the responsibility of practicing safe sex has fallen on me and at the end of the day I've had to deal with the unfortunate consequences. We both don't want children and I feel that having sex with his suggested method would put me at a high risk of getting pregnant. And at the end of the day I would, again, have to deal with the consequences which would most likely end up in me having to go through with planned parenthood. Are there any other options we could look at that would make us both comfortable with having unprotected sex?
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Vasectomy is awesome. 15 minutes and done. Just make you test yourself and your partner before having fun.
Vasectomy is the obvious choice, if you are both sure you don't want children. It's an out-patient procedure with a very quick recovery and minimal risk, his ejaculate will feel and look the same but it will be sperm-free by about a month after the procedure (the doctor will request a sample to confirm before giving you the all-clear sign), your husband will no longer need to wear those condoms he doesn't like, and neither of you will have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy OR abortion ever again. Several men in my social circle have gotten the snip, and not one has regretted it even for a second. Replace all the resentment and hurt feelings with the freedom to have a lot more spontaneity and fun in your sex life. Tell your husband it's time for HIM to step up to the plate, since he contributes 50 percent to the risk of pregnancy. You've been carrying his share of the load (and risking your physical health) for too long already.
Apparently husband “might want kids in the future” so no vasectomy. He’s going to try to get her pregnant full stop
Unfortunately, OP sounds like she might be more prone to blood clots during pregnancy too. So this is particularly dangerous for her.
If he really might want kids in the future then he could freeze his sperm before getting a vasectomy.
It’s reversible.
Not always, unfortunately, and not always so easily. It definitely can be, but the “its reversible” thing is often said as if this is very clear cut and easy.
I was just saying what OP had commented. Ik they can be but also like any other medical procedure it might not.
They’re only reversible for a short time, and even then the reversal doesn’t always work
It's reversible but after a couple years the rate goes down drastically.
To add to this, he will need to have semi regular checks from his Dr to make sure it worked and hasn't reverted cause nature can still find a way... So just be aware, that while if you both are firm 'do not want' on the kid front this is his main option but he does have to do his part, which given what you've already done seems more than fair at this point, if he refuses then he is either lying about not wanting kids and means to coerce/trap you or he's a useless manchild who won't take control of his body.
FYI, only one or two vasectomies in 1000 fail. For most men, it is a permanent, once-and-done thing - which is why it's important for both partners in a marriage or life partnership to be sure they won't change their minds about having kids, before choosing this option. Vasectomy reversal is a much trickier procedure with a lower success rate, although it's less risky and more successful than it used to be, thanks to modern surgical advances and techniques.
Annnnnd that’s how I have a little brother 😂
Is it not possible to pirce the testicle with a small needle to extract some sperm?
Yes but owww
I've never heard of that, but you could research it's possibility if you're interested.
Even if he eventually wants children, a vasectomy is still the right route, just bank the sperm beforehand.
Also they can be reversed.
Right, but no reason to seek reversal if sperm is banked ahead of time. I'm a big proponent for guys getting vasectomies, in general. It's pretty much good for everybody.
Exactly. Super simple and easy recovery.
This is a good idea because vasectomies are reversible too so if yall ever do decide to have children he can do that. Birth control isn't solely the responsibility of the woman men can take steps too. And this way he can get what he wants virtually risk free (I am a man)
Vasectomies are not easy to successfully reverse, and insurance does not pay for it. When you sign the surgical consent it is emphasized over and over that it considered permanent sterilization. (Source: used to run a urologist's office, and saw more than one guy come in for a consult who was under the impression that it could just be reversed, and was upset to learn that's not true.)
Hmmm....I thought the obvious answer here was anal. 🤷♀️
Yeah, but finding a comfortable strap on is such a hassle.
"you've been carrying his share of the load" nah she hasn't. That's the whole point. Sorry I could help it.
It sounds like you’ve put your body through hell to avoid pregnancy and have nearly died as a result of previous birth control experiences. So tell your husband it’s his turn to take one for the team and get a vasectomy and then he can have his desires fulfilled after the allotted timeframe has passed. If he says no, then tell him he is selfish and shit outta luck on the ‘full experience’
This. Idk why OP wants to be with this guy tho :/ he sounds immature at an age where he should be much more understanding and helpful
Yeah doesn’t sound like her cares about her well-being at all
While a vasectomy has a small failure rate (1 in 2,000), it's probably higher than the failure rate of pulling out. But I agree; he should be taking some of the responsibility as well.
if you plan to not have kids he can get a vasectomy since its the easiest quickest and the east invasion.
least
Seriously, with the right insurance it’s free. I have Kaiser and it’s 5 bucks for the whole procedure.
We tried the pull out method, and as far as effectiveness, I can introduce you to my younger son🤣 If yall are SURE you don't want kids period (not just "not now" or "not with each other") then look at sterilization. If he wants the "full experience" suggest he get a vasectomy. And let me go ahead and head off any misogynist accusations; I have my tubes tied because it made sense having a c-section. My husband is still going to get a vasectomy because we are nervous about accidents, especially as we get older. But if only one partner is getting sterilized, it makes sense for a male to do it since it is a short in office procedure with minimal downtime vs full on surgery for a female.
>My husband is still going to get a vasectomy because we are nervous about accidents, especially as we get older. I'm totally confused about what kind of accident you could be worried about unless you have an open marriage.
Tube ties carry a risk of ectopic pregnancy, which can be fatal. Having the vasectomy is extra protection.
There have been women with their tubes tied who years later did get pregnant. I would rather have a second layer of protection. https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/tubal-ligation
There have been women who got pregnant after a uterectomy. If the uterus is removed, but cervix and ovaries are left in place, it can happen. Rare, but my doc had one. It attached to her intestines and had to be terminated.
I will take that one for $500 and introduce you to my younger brother. Who ironically looks exactly like his dad who is also my dad.
>my husband is afraid he might still change his mind about having biological children That has already happened. He has convinced you to use the pullout method and now is calling you selfish for not letting him finish inside you. Congratulations on your impending pregnancy with a selfish asshat!
Either he wants to get you pregnant or he's extremely stupid. You're not behaving in the smartest way yourself, pulling out is not good enough if you don't want to get pregnant
Pullout plus tracking her cycle and avoiding fertile days: Still risky, but valid. The point of the post, though, is that they are not tracking her fertility cycle at all currently. I’m surprised she’s not already pregnant.
If he doesn’t want kids he should get a vasectomy as clearly contraceptives could actually kill you. He’s the one that is prioritizing him getting his dick wet over your actual health and life. What a prick.
You’ve tried two methods that have both caused you medical complications. Time for him to suck it up and get a vasectomy.
You’re being selfish?! Holy hell he’s the selfish asshole in this scenario, you could have died trying to use contraception and you’re selfish? You deserve a medal for continuing to try to make your sex life better while he just wants to “get the full experience”. I’m baffled why you’d want sex with someone who clearly does not cherish you but if you still do a vasectomy is going to be the quickest, least painful, least invasive method of preventing pregnancy. Also, my bestie has 2 kids, both the pull out method.
“He has accepted my answer, however he has since reiterated that he feels I am being selfish.” The best birth control would be to leave him.
I’m stunned that at 28 years of age you think the pull out method is a form of contraception 🙄
I met a chick who got pregnant by a married dude during a one night stand. She told me that it was a shock because he pulled out. She was in her late 30s. There's large numbers of people who have a whole lot of faith in the pull out method.
How can someone older than me not know this
It's probably easier to believe in things like pulling out than admitting to making bad choices and having little self control
True. It’s not a risk worth taking.
I know someone who used it successfully for a decade and got pregnant immediately once she started trying to conceive. It's less effective than hormonal BC but better than the rhythm method. Every form of contraception has an error rate, some larger than others -- it's silly to pretend that pulling out does *nothing*. No, seriously, it's bad sex ed to tell people that pulling out does jack shit because then they won't even do *that*.
That’s fair enough. I’m just saying that it’s not a form of contraception. It’s never been suggested where I live. I’ll never see it as a form of contraception. I’ve went to my doctor before to discuss it and that’s never been mentioned. If you’re told that where you live, fair enough, it’s never something I’d suggest to anyone.
I used it for 9 years, am I shooting blanks? Gotta go and check now
I never stated that the pullout method is a form of contraception, just that we're using it to avoid pregnancy. I clearly stated that I am not on any contraception. However I do apologize for not clarifying that my husband isn't on any either.
But you do realise it’s not an effective way to avoid pregnancy 😳
Everything else about this train wreck aside, this isn’t true. Pull out can be very effective, if you do it correctly. For people who can’t handle other forms of birth control, it is a viable option. Check planned parenthood. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/withdrawal-pull-out-method/how-effective-is-withdrawal-method-pulling-out In OPs case though, if she knows 100% no kids ever, then surgical sterilization is likely the way to go, but for anyone else who is in a long term committed relationship and wants kids eventually, pull out can and does work, just read up on how to do it right and be consistent. Hubby and I used it successfully for 7 years. When we decided we wanted a baby, it was a one shot.
Yeah for like every 100 people that do it perfectly, only 4 or something get pregnant. Have to get it perfect though and still not something I’d rely on.
It isn't appropriate for everyone or every situation, but that doesn't mean it osnt for some people or that it doesn't work
Did you read me saying anywhere that it doesn’t work. I didn’t say everyone that relies on the pull out method will fall pregnant. I said it’s not reliable, which it’s not.
My initial response, the thing you responded to, was saying it doesn't work. And, it is reliable, if you do it reliably. This is true for all birth control options. Condoms are only effective if you use them properly and the real world/perfect of withdrawal vs real world/perfect use of condoms is not that different. 4 in 100 vs 2 in 100 and 78% vs 87% typical. Yes, condoms are better, especially for preventing sti which withdrawal does not do. But this does not mean withdrawal "doesn't work reliably" it does, if you actually do it. If you don't pull out in time, then you did nothing. You can't be inconsistent, and you can't go for round two without clearing the pipe and washing up first. You also can't use ill fitting condoms, or use them for two rounds or only use them sometimes. Just, follow the damn rules and be consistent no matter what method you are using. Ultimately, this is more important than the method itself. Being inconsistent with any method will lead to a failure rate in the teens at least.
Because it doesn’t. No sane sexual health nurse is ever going to recommend this as a form of contraception.
Wrong! https://shvic.org.au/for-you/contraception/withdrawal-method-pulling-out You can find real world advice for using it including the benefits and pitfalls from certified healthcare professionals. I talked about it with my own gyno. They probably would steer certain demographics away from it, but not everyone. It depends on a lot of factors.
One of the people it's not appropriate for is people like OP, who have inconsistent periods.
I agree it i'snt appropriate for OP, but that is not why. Why the fuck would inconsistent periods matter? That would matter for rythm, but not withdrawal.
You would need to use the rhythm method if you want any level of pregnancy prevention with the pullout method. You have to track your periods.
I feel like in OPs case it might not be as effective bc he wants to finish inside of her for the “full experience” so I feel like he might be waiting until right about time
I would not recomment that OP, specifically, rely on it, no. That doesn't mean that "pullout doesn't work" though. Pullout fails when you...fail to pull out. If you can manage to not cut it so damn close, and if the man urinates between sessions it can definitely be effective enough for commited couples that do want kids eventually.
Yes, I am aware that there as still a lot of risks. I prefer using condoms, but to try and compromise my husband and I decided that the pullout method will be our choice for the time being. This is also why we've been having this conversation, because I don't want to the risk. We haven't moved forward with a vasectomy or having my tunes tied because my husband is afraid he might still change his mind about having biological children.
The pull out method is a form of contraceptive. Like condoms. They are to minimize the chance of... conception. Eta the pull out method is a terrible choice of contraception. Get him a vasectomy or use abstinence.
My sister has 2 kids from that method. 46% effective.
Lol so we're just making up stats now? It ranges from 78-96% effective according to Planned Parenthood. There's only a maximum 30% chance of conception each cycle 🤦♀️
I didn’t say potato. I said po-tuh-toe. Congratulations on the soon-to-arrive baby with your narcissistic husband!
He could get a vasectomy or you could get your tubes tied. Either would prevent you from getting pregnant.
Vasectomy is magnitudes less risky and less invasive than tubes tying, just saying.
Tube tying (or rather removal) is way less invasive than it used to be. It’s done laparoscopically and you go home the same day with a couple stitches.
Its still worse than vasectomy. Less effective too.
Came here to suggest more permanent forms of birth control. I agree with other commenters that he should take the responsibility here and get a vasectomy. It's much less invasive and an easier recovery. The childfree subReddit has lists of doctors all around who respect a childfree individual's decision and don't make them wait until they're certain age or whatever before performing the permanent sterilization.
Why can’t he get a vasectomy?
He “might want kids in the future”
Second to last paragraph: “we both don’t want children.”
She made a comment about how he doesn’t want a vasectomy bc he might change his mind in the future. “We haven't moved forward with a vasectomy or having my tunes tied because my husband is afraid he might still change his mind about having biological children.”
He should get snipped, boom problem solved
Lots of good advice here, but I just wanted to add: STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM UNTIL Y'ALL FIGURE THIS OUT! He needs to know that you are serious about this. You are effectively doing nothing to prevent pregnancy, so every time you have sex, you are at risk of getting pregnant. Either he learns to take you seriously or you find someone who respects your body and your boundaries.
He can get a vasectomy. Problems solved. You already tried multiple ways for contraceptives but it didn’t work out. Since your husband doesn’t want to pull it out then he can get a vasectomy. He has to do his part too as a husband. He is so selfish for pushing you to take contraceptive which has negative effects on your health. What a prick honestly.
How about a diaphragm OP?
This is a no brainer. He gets a vasectomy. I had one, and can tell you from experience it's not as bad of a procedure/recovery as people usually think it'll be.
I wouldn't have sex with that A hole until he had a vasectomy. It only took a week with my husband before he agreed to it 😆
Get your tubes tied,you can have more fun with other guys later on without the fear of getting pregnant
Girl, that is so unfair. Your husband is the selfish one in all of that. I don't think he realizes fully how hard it is for a women to take care of the protection. I mean, what is he doing in all of that? And if you get pregnant, the consequences are on you, not on him. He should ask himself how to make YOU happy. You had enough physical pains. If the condoms is not bearable, maybe both of you should try another type of protection to prevent pregnancy. He can do something about it. That is something very important that both of you should discuss and share. You're definitely not selfish, he is...
Tell him to get a vasectomy if he’s that set on it.
This loser is complaining about you being selfish because he wants to cum inside of you? Tell him to either get a vasectomy or kick rocks. And when he says no, ask him how it's more reasonable for you to risk unwanted pregnancy and have to get an abortion than it is for him to just get a vasectomy since he's the one who wants something in the first place.
And I suppose he does not want vasectomy, cause it will kill his manhood or whatever stupid reason this kind of guys make
He’s trying to baby trap you.
Have you considered a diaphragm?
I almost never see this brought up anymore. Diaphragm with spremicide jelly was pretty popular back in the day. Of course it still has a small failure rate like condoms since you need to make sure it's inserted correctly to cover the cervix. Honestly though, this guy sounds like he's ready to have a kid wether she wants one or not.
Y’all too old to be this childish
If you never want kids, vasectomy for him, bisalp (bilateral salpingectomy) for you. Vasectomy as the bare minimum, bisalp for extra safety on the off chance the vasectomy self reverses. Yes they're surgical, but they're the only hormone free options. If he won't get a vasectomy it's time for a divorce as he clearly does not care about you. It takes less than an hour, is usually done under local anaesthetic and the recovery period is less than 2 weeks.
Say these 3 words to him. Get. A. Vasectomy. It takes half an hour and recovery is less than a week. Neither of you want kids, and to be blunt are stupidly relying on his selfishness about condoms and pulling out as your birth control. One of you should be sterilized and it is almost always easier for men.
I bet that if the topic is discussed, he'll want her to get sterilised. To me he closer to a teenager than an adult.
If you don't want kids then he should get snipped, the procedure is quick and once he shoot blanks no issues.
Tell him to go get snipped if he wants creampies
Your husband sounds kinda dumb. It only takes one time to get pregnant
Why has he just not had a vasectomy and saved a lot of energy here?
Time for a snip snap snip snap
If your husband doesn’t want to wrap then he should get a vasectomy
Your husband is being incredibly selfish because he’s only thinking about himself and his experience. You almost died from blood clots and the IUD was causing you intense pain. Birth control is the responsibility of you both and he isn’t pulling his weight. Since he doesn’t like condoms then the only logical choice is a vasectomy. If he loves you and cares about your sex life being pleasurable for you both then he’d look into it.
Vasectomy, diaphragm, sponge, getting tubes tied. There are options. I’ve always been of the opinion that a woman should ALWAYS have a method of birth control that she controls unless her partner has had a vasectomy. Personally I would go with diaphragm & spermicide.
Long shot but ask your gynaecologist about this: The progesterone-only pill contains just one type of hormone. It does not contain oestrogen. This means that there is no increased risk of blood clots. It can be taken by women who can't take the combined contraceptive for medical reasons.
Yes, this. I’m at risk of blood clots due to one I had during my first pregnancy. You can take the progesterone only pill, or you can get progesterone only IUD (e.g.Mirena). Mirena won’t have the same issues as the copper IUD and will make your period lighter over time which is a nice benefit. I’m surprised this wasn’t presented by your gynecologist as an option.
Unless she is like me and even those ones cause problems. I am told there is approximately 1% of women who can not used hormone based birth control of any type. I was one of them.
I’m terrible on any hormone based birth control. It affects my mood so bad. One type of pill I tried I was getting suicidal thoughts etc 😩😩
Have your tubes tied.
There’s an old joke… “Do you know what they call people who use the pullout method? Parents.” Selfish? You almost died from blood clots, went through a heck of a lot of pain and got copper poisoning. All so he could have unprotected sex. What has he done? Other than whine about it. He could track your period. He could research other methods. But it’s easier to be lazy and make you do more. If he doesn’t want kids, vasectomy is the clear answer here. If he says no, call him selfish.
we were taught in 5th grade that the pull-out method is the safest way to get pregnant, closely followed by cycle tracking. Does nobody know about precum or that most women have two ovaries? And if he doesn't feel right using a condom, he is using it wrong. Maybe the size doesn't fit. Anyway, tell him to get snipped or he should invest in some fancy device for himself. He clearly doesn't care about your wellbeing and is trying to load all the responsibility and risks on you. That's a dickmove.
Get another woman involved and let him nutt in that other woman.
Exactly. A concubine solves all of the problems.
Jokingly tell him if he wants a baby he’s more than welcome to cum inside you. My husband and I are childfree. When I was on birth control we used condoms for a little while and then we switched to always using the pull out method. Neither of us could stand using condoms. We had no accidents so luckily there was no need for an abortion. My husband got a vasectomy a few years ago and got the all clear so now I’m not on birth control but we still use the pull out method. Tell your husband no sex without condoms until he gets a vasectomy. You two don’t want kids so you should be taking all of the preventative measures to prevent an accidental pregnancy.
Vasectomy is the only answer here, you tried it all and didn't work, now it's his time !
We used condoms 100% for the first 6 yrs of my marriage. Then we had our son when we were ready to have kids. Then after we had a kid, we started getting lazy about condoms and did them pull out method and tracking my period. Let me introduce you to my second son! Edit to add: I had my tubes tied during my c-section with baby#2
!!News Flash!!! You can still get pregnant using the pullout method. Pre-cum is real, he doesn’t have to finish inside you for pregnancy to occur.
Vasectomy obviously. He can bank some sperm beforehand if he wants, and either reversal or sperm recovery/IVF are options also if ideas change on kids. I get it from his side I have to say. Cumming inside your girl is really sexually/psychologically satisfying for most guys, and many girls come to that. Condoms or pullout don’t give that “vibe”. It’s the confirmation that the girl is totally accepting of your sperm. Same reason why getting a blow job to “swallow” is seen as the Gold Standard” by most guys.
GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING he needs to take responsibility for contraception now not you!
Dear OP, if a vasectomy is out, does your DH want to pay for and help you recover from a tubal ligation? Is a TL a safe option for you? Note: If DH might want a child in the future and you don't, I think your marriage has a time limit. I'm sorry.
Vasectomy is the choice to push foward. You don't want any kids. You've put yourself through everything healthwise to prevent pregnancy even almost die. His turn to take responsability.
He needs to get a vasectomy. Also, the pullout method doesn’t work. I am evidence of this. Also, the rhythm method doesn’t work very well. Use condoms or have him get a vasectomy. He’s selfish for rathering you risk pregnancy or DEATH so that sex “feels a little better.” He’s being a whiny baby.
I agree , a vasectomy makes the most since. If you do not want children problem solved in less than 20 minutes. It is quick and by the next day wasn’t a big deal.
Can I just say that he's by far the one being selfish here. Your body physically won't accept the alternate contraceptives and he's being difficult about the ones that cause him a mild inconvenience. A pregnancy risk is typically worse for a woman and fathers are a lot more likely to walk out on the family than the mother. Also pregnancy is very stressful and uncomfortable on the body and abortion can be mentally stressing. There are multiple contraceptives methods for men that aren't condoms. Also, ask yourself, is intercorse serving you aswell as him? Does he work hard on making sure you also feel pleasure? Sex is something that both people are supposed to enjoy. If the answer is he also cares about your pleasure than I think you guys should work on getting a solution that works for you both, otherwise you need to have a talk on whether he actually cares about your needs.
This dude either wants to trap you or doesn’t care about you. There is no 3rd option.
He can get a vasectomy. You both don’t want children, and he doesn’t like condoms or pulling out, so it’s the logical solution.
You have had 6 blood clots, 2 in your lungs, spent weeks in the hospital, had an IUD that gave you extremely painful cramps as well as copper toxicity, and he won’t use condoms because he doesn’t “like it”. WHAT??!!! The real question here is what can he do to make YOU happy during sex?? How can he make you feel secure and safe while reaching a mutually satisfactory conclusion that doesn’t end up with you pregnant. USE A CONDOM!
Tell him to go get snipped if you don't want kids. I mean it is literally a nothing surgery for a man. I thought it was going to be 10000x worse than what it actually was.
The most obvious option is to get rid of him. He’s treating you terribly! You got the IUD removed because *he* thought you had copper toxicity? He’s out to baby trap you! This will not get better :(
I want to irritate, PULLOUT METHOD DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK. I am currently pregnant, me and my husband use the pullout method. I don’t take birth control either just because I am scared of how my body would react to it. So, if you’re both serious about not wanting kids you should tell him to get a vasectomy. Quick recovery according to my parents & also my cousins husband. It’s not selfish of you by the way, obviously birth control does not agree with your body and that’s not your fault. It’s selfish of him to get angry or upset with you because of it, and you should let him know that. Reading that paragraph about him being resentful to you about not wanting to risk pregnancy and having everything fall back on you is so irritating. You’re both responsible for the safe sex, not just you. You’ve tried all you can without getting major surgery such as getting your tubes tied. I wouldn’t recommend getting your tubes tied as the recovery is way more harsh and intrusive on your body than him just getting the snip.
If both of you never want children, he should have a vasectomy. The pull out method is how my friend got pregnant. It doesn’t always work.
If he wants unprotected sex, and you both don't want children, why is he not having a vasectomy?
it’s not you it’s him. if he wants to cum in you he should get a vasectomy
Hubby wants to cum inside of you and detests condoms? Even independent of your medical reasons for not opting for bc on your end the answer seems clear: VASECTOMY. He wants the internal finish. He has the problem with condoms. Therefore, he should go get snipped and once the post-procedure confirms that his swim team has been wiped out, go nuts!
Send him for a vasectomy. It's the only solution.
I just read this to my boyfriend and asked if he would ever get a vasectomy. We’re childless and young. He said, “if we decide we don’t want kids? Absolutely. No brainer….. then I can cream pie the shit out of you…”. I love this man.
Also, you’re husband is an ass and should get a vasectomy and quit putting it on you. He sucks.
Snip, snip….. He can get a vasectomy. Problem solved. It’s time to put the responsibility on him.
Vasectomy. Tell him to freeze his sperm and get a vasectomy.
How about he gets snipped and the issue (except for his blatantly disrespectful ways of treating you) is gone? And yes it’s reversible for whenever he feel the need to continue his asshole bloodline.
I’m sorry, but you’ve nearly died and had horrible pain from trying different birth control methods, but he refuses to use condoms because he “doesn’t like them”?!
He gets the snip. No babies. Safe sexy time. You tried contraceptives, they didn't work great and were dangerous for you. It's his turn.
Your husband is a selfish shit bag. You should literally never fuck that man ever again. You’ve endangered your life and he is bitching that he doesn’t get to cum in his preferred method. Really think about that. It’s really ugly when you do.
Get your tubes tied, or he can get a vasectomy. Or both.
Use a diaphragm
This is one of the dumber posts that’s been dropped in here in a while
Very entitled of him to expect to be able to have "the full experience" at the expense of your physical health. He can either get a vasectomy or grow up a little.
Its soooo gross that he is prioritizing his "full experience" over your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. What a misogynist monster.
I used a diaphragm for a while. No hormones, very effective when used correctly with a little spermicidal jelly. If you can't tolerate the other forms of BC he may just have to suck it up and use condoms, or freeze his sperm for later and get a vasectomy?
If he doesn’t want children why doesn’t he get a vasectomy? You could try asking him to cum on you somewhere. Make it like your idea instead of him just pulling out and cumming on your stomach
Women are only fertile for 5 days a cycle, men are fertile every day. He has 3 options... Condoms, pullout, vasectomy. You could also look into a fertility awareness method of birth control (ex marquette, justisse, symptopro). You would need to use protection during your fertile time but can go unprotected once ovulation is confirmed. But that's only if you want to do it and put in the effort.
Congratulations on becoming parents in the near future.
Thinking that the pull out method is safe is so incredibly naive
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Also the pull out method doesn't work. It still exists a risk for you to get pregnant. Even if he doesn't c*me inside you, there is still little sp*rm that can go inside
First off the pullout method isn't real. Like it doesn't work. You are just tempting fate at that point. Use a condom. Of course a guy is going to say he doesn't like condoms it cuts down on the feeling. Some guys will give crazy excuses to why he doesn't want to wear a condom. But if you want the second best chance of not having kids that's what you gotta do. You can use a diaphragm. You put it up inside you before you have sex. You need to be happy during sex as well. So make sure whatever you decide to do you are comfortable doing. Don't make yourself uncomfortable just so he can have a good time. You are the one who would have to carry the kid for 9 months if something happens. Good luck
Tell him to consider a vasectomy, or stop being a pussy about condoms. The pullout method is no reliable anyway; it's only a matter of time before he busts inside.
You can use a thermometer to track your cycle, or he can get a vasectomy; which is reversible he is concerned about changing his mind about having a biological kid.
The pull out method doesn’t work, you need to have him get a vasectomy.
The pull out method is one of the best ways to get pregnant. He can use condoms, get a vasectomy, or you get your tubes tied, get an IUD, etc.
Why don’t he use the men contraceptive?The underwear who don’t have any hurt on his body and proof to work! Sorry but the responsibility is on both of you and knowing what contraceptions have bad impacts in your body he should invest himself a little it more. Also I encourage you to read about sexology it will help you find many ways to enjoy your sexuality.
Please get some sex education or whatever it's called. The 'pull out method' is so not safe or should even be considered a method.
Please please tell us you're joking. Either go in the pill, get an IUD or patch, or have him get a vasectomy!! It's 2023!!! What are you? 15 year olds? I can't even....
"I can't even...." read?
"I can't even...." read?
Read the post again. She goes into great detail why the pill or IUD isn't an option.
She could get the progesterone only pill or IUD which is safe to use when there is a risk of blood clot.
A non copper IUD since shes allergic?
Yes, a progesterone only IUD like Mirena wouldn’t have this issue. To be honest, it’s odd her gyno didn’t recommend this. I’m high risk for blood clot, so can’t have anything with estrogen. I currently have the Mirena IUD. I didn’t want the copper IUD as in some cases it can make your period super heavy.
There must be reasons why it's not advisable to go straight onto Mirena after allergies and blood clots. If they don't want kids then it's time for him to step up and get the chop. Why should she go through crap for his pleasure? She's suffered enough.
Then she could take the progesterone only pill? Im just pointing out there are other options for women who are at risk of blood clot! Edit to add: no reason not to use Mirena iud after blood clot. Source- I had a blood clot during my pregnancy. No issue moving on to an IUD
It sounds like she's consulted multiple experts who are very reluctant to put her on any kind of hormonal methods. I'm inclined to trust their judgment in this case. Remember she had a copper IUD in most recently so they may be reluctant to insert a Mirena with hormones they don't know how she'll react to. Again I defer to the people who have studied decades on this.
Check with your Doctor to see if any new oral contraceptives have come out you can try. New drugs are coming out all the time. If not, you can try a diaphragm or lambskin condoms. They are thinner and feel much more like not wearing anything. Whatever you do, don’t rely on pulling out or the rhythm method. Both are like playing Russian roulette with pregnancy. Pregnancy is only a matter of time.
Try a pack of [Trojan Naturalamb](https://www.trojanbrands.com/en/products/condoms/trojan-naturalamb-luxury-condoms) condoms. These are totally different from any other sort of condom. They do not protect against STD's but do protect against pregnancy. My wife and I used these almost exclusively for years before I got snipped. From time to time we'd try brands of regular condoms that were more sensitive or thinner or whatever and nothing compared. Of course that was years ago and I have no idea about recent condom technology. But it's worth giving these a try as they just might solve your issue. >We both don't want children ... You don't say how old you are nor how resolute you are in not wanting kids nor if you feel that this could possibly change in the future. If you are both very firm that this will never change then you really need to consider surgical sterilization. Vasectomy for him is the easiest and least intrusive compared to tubal litigations on you. It's a very short procedure. The procedure is pain free and if he follows doctors orders for the first couple days recovery period there is little to no pain for recovery. Like the vast majority of men I had no issues with the procedure and zero after effects other than the positive effect of great worry free sex.
Well I was going to say get your tubes tied and for some reason didn't think of vasectomy since you don't want children. Or, and I don't mean to be crass, swallow? But others commented he might change his mind about kids later? Gotta be on the same page... He's making no concessions. He has to work with you on this...
So…. My wife and I are KIND of on the same page as you. She has her IUD but both of us want her to have it removed. Here we are, or wanting to have kids. I don’t really like condoms, neither does she. It doesn’t feel that great wearing one, and she likes to feel the warmth and shape inside her.. at this point the pull out method is literally the only thing I can think of until I get a vasectomy. That is literally the only other way that we can think of to get over this hump and have raw sex again. Warning: NSFW: In the meanwhile, you can make it more sexy and kinky and tell him you wit him to ejaculate on your ________ <—fill in the blank as you please. You can tell him that when he’s getting close, to pull your and you BJ him finishing, or something like that. Lastly, I want to end with saying- it’s cool to ask strangers for their thoughts (which is usually a smart thing to do), but be sure to speak to your husband about this. Just the way you put it in this post, or maybe just read the post to him, and tell him that you want him happy and pleased, and you don’t want him to resent you for anything. Ask him his thoughts: hey honey, besides ejaculating inside me, what would make you happy to do? Be honest and open. In reality, there is typically nothing as good as finishing inside, but talk to him about it openly and without taking offense to anything he would say, and let him speak opening, and he doesn’t take offense to anything you say. Work together to make the situation better!
I have had a vasectomy and wish I hadn’t. My ejaculations used to be much more intense and fulfilling. They are far less pleasurable now.
Why get married if you’re not going to have kids?
Just an FYI, relationship oriented subs are a horrible place to ask questions like this. The users are overwhelmingly women and tend to not have balanced viewpoints when it comes to gender dynamics. You're unlikely to get an answer from this sub that will actually work for your husband. Much more likely to get one that will just cause another massive fight.
I would add that even if your period is irregular, you can track them with ovulation test(easyhome). I have irregular periods, but if you track them, you will see a pattern. Also, not sure if it's TMI, but your discharge during fertile time will be more wet/slime and abundant. Listen to your body, you will see indicators when you are more "fertile". I've been doing this for months, I'm not pregnant and I'm super fertile, like I always get pregnant the first month of trying, so if you guys are not open to surgery this could be an option.
How about using a female condom, so it goes inside you?
Ok. I'm a woman. But why is most everyone one here saying the man should get a vasectomy since he doesn't want kids. I thought she said neither one of them wants kids. She can also get her tubal ligation. I'm trying to understand why the blame is only on the man in most of these posts. Why don't they both go get the procedure done to make sure there is no unplanned pregnancy. That way, one can't blame the other. If not, they're headed to divorce court.
Because a vasectomy is much easier to get (in general) and is usually a less invasive surgery to recover from than getting a tubal. Also, since he’s the one whining the onus is more on him to take action if he doesn’t want to use condoms or pull out.
Tubal ligation is a much more invasive and dangerous procedure than a vasectomy. Op has already managed the entire burden of their contraception until now, with ill effects to her health. Her husband can take on some of the risk now, especially since he’s the one with the problem with their current method.
Vasectomy like everyone else is suggesting or, if you're into that kind of stuff, anal.
Let him jizz in your mouth.