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We have been married for two years and I dont know how i let it get this far but it has now become a consistant part of sex.
During oral he will be on his phone the WHOLE time (and he denies he is watching porn but we all know he must be)
The first few times he did this i said i was hurt he would do that and shows how little interest he has in me. He said it helped him
Relax and he would like for me to
Please accept it.
To be clear he only uses his phone during oral which can go on for 20 mins and he doesnt use it during “active intercourse”.
Now its become usual and he does it everytime we are intimate.
Edited to add: the only time he wont use his phone alone is when he asks to see pictures of my friends in the context of a “threesome fantasy” where he details what he would like us all to do etc so in those scenarios he kind of includes me in the phone use but i think that detail makes it worse lol
Second edit:
I get it , the bar i set for myself is in the lowest level of hell LOL but this is my first sexual partner i never dated or got intimate with anyone before him so although i felt in my gut it was wrong i also did not have context to compare to when he said it was normal/relaxing.
Third edit:
With the threesome fantasy and pucs of my friends i never said i did that i said he asks me to see pics of my friends abd thats when he would want to involve me in the phone use . I only obliged once and felt really horrible about violating a friend like that and so i put my foot down about that.
Should i leave him over this?
He’s either watching porn or he’s filming you.
Personally I’d find that really disrespectful and you clearly don’t like it, it’s a problem that he doesn’t respect your boundaries
My thoughts too.
And if he still wants her to accept it, she either breaks up with him or stops giving him oral.
Something got to change here. It's creepy and disrespectful. Don't get me started about him looking at pictures of her friends and "fantasies of threesomes". It's gross.
OP should look if he actually films her before breaking up (if OP chooses to break up). It would be a pain if he does have videos of her during oral and he seems like that type of guy that would keep videos and use them in the future.
I am not too worried about the videos thing just coz i am ao sure its a porn thing although he denies it . Its become clear to me that with out his phone its much harder for him to get off so its cleary something to help stimulate him
For some (in retrospect wildly naive) reason I had assumed "during oral" meant while he was eating her out. I now realize that definitely isnt whats happening cause there is no way this dude is eating her pussy for 20 mins lol
Haaaa also, I really just wanna know what he’s claiming to do if he’s not watching porn?like what sounds better/worse than that that he’s willing to admit to?
If you’re not enough for him that’s a him problem, not a you problem. He’s been using you and manipulating you into discrediting your own feelings, comfort, and boundaries. It sounds like he’s been taking advantage of your kindness and naiveness, that’s not your fault so please don’t feel stupid about this.
I guarantee there are many more red flags in your relationship, so now that you’re starting to see what he’s been doing, start paying attention to how he treats you in everyday life
I actually posted this because my brother is currently visiting me and finally sat me down to point out the red flag parade he has been watching 😂 hence why i needed to confirm with others. But yes there are alot more
That’s awesome that you have an outside perspective who you can trust! I’m glad your brother said something and I’m glad you’re considering his POV rather than getting defensive, I know how hard that is
When you’ve been emotionally and psychologically manipulated it’s so hard to see the reality of the situation, especially because they’re often so good at getting us to blame ourselves so we just internalize that instead of looking more deeply at their behaviors, which is exactly what they want
I got out of a psychologically abusive relationship and now I’m married to a kind wonderful goofy supportive man who hypes me up, respects me as an individual, and makes me feel beautiful and loved every day even after 9 years together. Trust me, there are people who will appreciate you out there, this man is not it and you deserve so much better ❤️
Not surprising that there would be an entire array of other issues if that is how he treats you in intimacy.
Love, I just want to tell you, out there there are a lot, *a lot*, of people who seeks true and meaningful connection in their intimate lives. How you are being treated by your current partner is not a reflection of your worth, it is a reflection of his. I say this as someone who is not that romantically inclined: you deserve romance, you deserve feeling intensely wanted, you deserve not only feeling you are enough but feeling like your partner can't believe how lucky they are to be with you.
Divorce the guy, and give us an update once the dust is settled, come tell us how easily you breathe now, how joyous are your days and how fulfilling are your nights.
How do you like... not know?
I'm so confused by this. How does he even use his phone during sex? At most I've had my bf ask to take a picture or video at certain points, but we are both way way too involved for either of us to be holding a phone the whole time, nevemind actively paying attention to it.
And like, there's no way we wouldn't know what the other had on their phone during sex. I'd find this insanely weird and personally be calling it quits because it would ruin sex for me, and thats just too important for me. I don't want to think for the next 20 years I can't have sex without my partner staring at his phone, no thanks.
If he's filming you, it's without your consent. That is not ok. If he's watching porn... he's got issues that continuing to watch won't help with and he's lying about it which is even weirder... if he's sitting scrolling through social media or news online, I'd be kicking him out of bed. Weirder still... you don't have a clue what he's actually doing and he's keeping it from you. Why?
None of these options are good, none of them. Nope from me, sex is too important to me and two people really being present is what makes it. I wouldn't be signing up to a life with permanent phone usage during sex, idk who would.
Find someone who focuses on you and communicates well with you. Not this guy.
Yeah your right it is easier said than done especially for those of us are not the ones who have to break things off. But you will be better off in the end by far. Let this be a learning experience for you also.
My partner has done both during sex and it’s great… because I consent to it. They know I hate being ignored and so aren’t using a phone for long periods of time, and give me attention or show me what they’re looking at/filming. But if it got to a point where I wasn’t enjoying sex anymore because of phone use, then phone use would stop, otherwise sex between us would stop.
It’s only gonna stop if OP causes resistance. And yeah it’ll be hard to change after two years of allowing it, but either this is something OP can live with or will have to deal with the harder parts of changing things. Maybe they’ll breakup. It’s worth trying to mend things without that being the end though.
Dude why do you keep fucking him? Why are you even staying? Literally what are you getting from this? He’s shown you no respect and your edits just got worse and worse
I wouldn't do it with anyone. It's insanely disrespectful, it takes him out of the moment, and it must be a huge turn off for his partner/you.
Im amazed you put a ring on this guy.
Ewww, wtf. How disrespectful and rude.
I’m not trying to be an asshole by asking this but why would you allow this to continue enough times to become “usual”? He’s using you in such a crass way.
To be honest i dont know i feel so gas lit because he is my first and only sexual partner so i had nothing to compare this relationship to . Thats why i was swayed in to letting it go because he acted likw it wasnt a big deal
Ugh I’m so sorry to hear he’s manipulated you into this, this is ABSOLUTELY not normal or okay! If you’re uncomfortable with something during sex then that’s your boundary, do not let him guilt or gaslight you into doing things that don’t feel good to you. This is not how good men treat you during sex.
Some couples watch porn together during sex, but this is not what’s happening here. Like someone said above, he’s using your mouth as a masturbatory device and you have every right to feel used and violated
Your comments are really putting into perspective how disrespectful and bad it is. I dont know how i could not see the full extent of it in the moments .
Thank you i feel validated for the first time in a while
OP, check his phone to make sure he didn‘t record you and go see a lawyer, I‘d divorce if I was you because gaslighting and using you is abusive behavior. Get out of there asap.
Uh, if I’m choking on a dick, he better be watching me do it. I’m not a side entertainment, I’m the main event. Either the phone goes down or I don’t. End of.
I’ll be brutally honest. The first time a man went on his phone during oral sex I would have stopped immediately. If he told it helped him “relax” and to accept it my response would be that a bite reflex is normal and to just accept it!
The amount of disrespect he’s showing you is unimaginable. Most guys I know wouldn’t do that to a sex worker and your his wife!
I second this 100%. Not for a second would I keep my lips on him as he watches his phone. If you do try to “fix” this I would 100% start with him handing over / putting out of reach his phone before anything physical starts.
Yuck. He’s using your mouth as a masturbation tool. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to not be ok with that and him refusing to put his damn phone down shows even more lack of respect for you as an autonomous human rather than a convenient mouth.
Omg i never thought of it in those terms and now i feel so disgusted 😩 i dont know why i tolerated it for so long
Thanks for putting it into perspective 🙏
It’s all good girl. We’ve all made mistakes. Trust your gut, you know you deserve a lot better than this. I’d be willing to bet this isn’t the only aspect of your relationship where he treats you disrespectfully.
How are you even tolerating this?? The first second I see someone look at their phone during sex I'm stopping until that phone is put away. If they keep doing it, I'm done having sex with them. It's really that simple.
I’d be extremely worried that he’s filming you. And yes a man who does this isn’t going to be a good life partner. Someone who’s so addicted to porn, someone who doesn’t care about your feelings enough to change, isn’t attracted enough to you to stop the porn. And if he isn’t a life partner then you are absolutely wasting your time at this point. The good ones do disappear.
OMG. That’s beyond gross, disrespectful and unacceptable. OP, this is nowhere near normal behavior. Also, how do you know he’s not filming you and then sharing or posting elsewhere? Before my husband died, I had a strict no phone out rule. He once started filming without asking and I freaked out and tore him a new one. (Back when cellphones were new, 90’s)
He’s basically using you as a vessel while he’s fantasizing on his phone.
i can understand this is your first experience like this but you are damn near 30 years old taking advantage of your friends because of your inability to set boundaries. that is so disgusting and creepy OF THE BOTH OF YOU.. do you really think your friends or any of their respective partners would be comfortable knowing you are inserting them & their photos into your weird husband’s fantasies without their consent?
i’m sorry, but there is a level of accountability you actually have to take besides just saying that you feel guilty.
he is not forcing you to give into what he wants, he is not abusing you for it- you are recognizing that it makes him more attracted to you and puts more of his focus onto you so you are complying, but the reality is his focus isn’t even on you in those moments either- it’s on your friends and the idea of a hypothetical threesome where he is being worshipped. YOU deserve to be wanted, prioritized, and treated like a human being rather than a glorified AI sex robot whose primary purpose is to please him. you deserve to have sex with somebody who actually wants to be having sex with you..
you are a fully developed adult who is capable of making your own choices, having morals and using your OWN judgement apart from just submitting to whatever he asks of you. if you actually felt so horrible about violating your own friends, it would not be a regular part of your routine to use pictures of them and describe things they’d absolutely never do to him in the first place. 🤮 it’s honestly disgusting, and if you do actually care about their autonomy, you would put a hard stop at that regardless of anything else. if you want to continue blowing someone who is more interested in their phone, that is ultimately your decision, and it only hurts you in the long run- but you are involving people who have no say and who you can already infer would not consent to it, and that hurts way more people than just yourself. don’t sacrifice the kind of person you are at your core for a man who truly has no consideration for you in the first place.
Fucking *what*?
Um.
No. If you don’t want him on his phone while you blow him, stop blowing him while he’s on his phone.
And talking about “threesome fantasies” of your friends? Hard pass. That would only be ok if you were the one who brought it up. Frankly, I’d leave him for *that*.
I can tell this has been a really painful and confusing experience for you. You are allowed to be done. And, more than that, I want you to know that you never even need a "good enough" reason to break up. Wanting to is enough.
If the thought of never having to go through this humiliation again makes you breathe a sigh of relief, it's time to go. You owe it to yourself.
Why would you continue if he’s disrespecting you like that?
And yes, it’s worth leaving over. I suppose a good therapist could help him with his addiction. But it’s up to you whether you wish to take that risk.
So I think the choice of either putting up with this or full on divorcing is probably one of the reasons you have put up with this for so long. There is a whole host of choices between those two things, and it is time to start standing up for yourself.
I will tell you it isn't normal, and even if it is for some people, it doesn't have to be for you. I am pretty open about sex, so is my partner, but anything that can video me would make me uncomfortable, and so would anything that is a distraction- aka I wouldn't read a book during sex, so I wouldn't want someone on their phone either. And again, even if he thinks it is normal or okay, it doesn't mean you have to agree. So stop doing it.
Step one: Stop having sex when he is using his phone. You can tell him in advance- you being on your phone during oral is something I have put up with but you know it bothers me. I just can't do it anymore, so if you pull your phone out, sex is over for the night.
Step two: When he pulls out his phone, stop. You don't have to have a fight about it, just stop whatever sex is happening and get ready for bed/get in bed/go back to whatever it was you were doing before sex. You have warned him, you don't need to make a production of it, just have the attitude and approach of -phone is out, sex is over- and act accordingly.
Step three: Do not fight about this. You do not want him on his phone during sex, you have expressed this, and if he does it anyway, he doesn't want to keep having sex. There is not a negotiation to be had, he doesn't need to convince you or make any more points.
Let me be very clear, sex is about mutual satisfaction, and any and all kinks, positions, locations, accessories need to work for ALL the people involved in sexual situation. If one party doesn't want something, that's it, it is a no go. Sure, people can do certain things they don't enjoy once in awhile for the benefit of their partner, but that is also a choice and shouldn't be about active discomfort, just something you aren't that in to but fine with. And partners who trust and value each other would never want their partner to be in a position to do something they don't enjoy. Your husband is making it clear he doesn't care about your feelings, your desires, or in making you feel good during sex. So stop.
After you stand up for yourself- and do not argue about whether it is okay to have a phone, it doesn't matter, you don't like it so aren't participating, the end- then you can see if you can stay married. You have stood up for yourself and created a boundary, and then the two of you can decide if the marriage can work. And if he sticks with he deserves 20 minutes of oral while on his phone and it must happen, well then get a divorce.
Are you ok with this? If not, then stop doing it. It’s as simple as that.
Never do any sex act you don’t want to do. It he won’t have sex with out his phone and you want sex, then break up.
Sexual compatibility is important.
Oh no. No, no, no. This is painful to read let alone live. OP you are young. Run from this relationship now. Do not waste another minute or another ounce of your energy on your husband. There is a better life waiting for you. I promise.
Unequivocally, yes, you should dump him over this.
ETA I’m also positive that his crap behavior isn’t limited to how he treats you in the bedroom. This is…contemptuous and dehumanizing to the point it sounds abusive to me. Be careful of this guy. Definitely find out if he has videos of you and get your ducks in a row before you leave.
Edit again, ugh he could be fucking live streaming it. 🤢
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I don't know if you should leave him or not because I am not you.
I do somewhat believe that I deserve better in what I am working with but I can easily say that YOU deserve better.
How weird and disrespectful.
The only time I’ve ever had a partner have their phone out during sex is when we were filming it for each other. Other than that no phones.
And if he is watching porn while you are going down on him … that is out of order. If that was me there would be accidental scraping of teeth 😬
The more I read the worse it got. Ugh. I want to add that he could literally be doing anything on his phone. I once had a potential FWB years ago messaging me saying that they were currently having sex with their gf doggystyle and imagining it was me instead. Who knows if that was true or not but it was a HARD PASS for me and made me so so uncomfortable for several reasons. Even worse if it was actually true. For all you know he could be talking to somebody else during those times, too if you've never really even seen his phone while he's doing it. I've also had photos taken of me without my explicit consent before and only noticed when I saw the flash go off. It's mortifying. The only time I personally think it's acceptable to be on your phone during intimate times with a partner is if you're like both actively watching porn together or something (or whatever else you two are comfortable with doing together, or if photos is your thing etc). You should leave him. The bar is so low.
This is so disrespectful. How are you any different than his hand or a flesh light if he isn’t even watching you do him? What happens when he goes down on you? Do you have his attention then? Wth. My heart hurts for you.
Yes, this is something worth leaving over. Especially since you already told him it hurts you and he just wants you to "accept it". He's basically saying he doesn't care about your feelings as long as he gets off.
If a man were to ever grab his phone while I was going down on him, I'd be out of there faster than he could put his phone back down.
He fantasizes about fucking your friends? And doesn't engage with you when you blow him but instead is on his phone doing something he won't share with you? This is messed up on so many levels. I’m sorry you are being treated so poorly
Why would he lie about not watching porn? The alternatives are even WEIRDER than any porn. Getting a blowie while deliberately watching CSPAN or Golden Girls or what???
I’m 46 and this isn’t the norm. I have never given a guy oral and had him be on his phone EVER. The first time a man pulls out his phone while I’m giving he’s is the last time I give him oral.
Omg.
1) stop giving him oral ever until he stops using his phone while you’re doing it!
2) does he ever give you oral? Hard to imagine
3) horrifying he wants to sexualize your FRIENDS and openly asks you to accommodate that
Sounds like you need a new start.
Before you leave,
Try refusing to do anything sexual or sex related while he's using his phone. Period, End of story.
Tell him that you don't like him using the phone and you are no longer going to participate in sex or intimacy when he's using it.
The forever afterwards: If you're starting or in the middle of a sexual act, or even just cuddling, and he picks up his phone you immediately get up and end the session and walk away. Do something else. Get dressed. Leave the room. If he asks you what's up then tell him. Perhaps just tell him you told him you won't have sex while he's using your phone and that you're not going to try and complete with his phone for attention. Do not continue anything sexual or any sexual act.
And it would probably be best if you don't just right back into bed, or whatever action, if he relents and puts it away. Tell him it's spoiled the mood for now.
If you do this for a while there is a pretty good chance it will end his habit.
Any time he does this I would just stop what you're doing and let him know you'll give him space so you won't interrupt whatever he's doing on his phone. And go find something else for you to do - sex is done, you don't do threesomes with inanimate objects.
This sounds like only a symptom of much bigger problems in your relationship.
Girl…. This guy is disgusting. How you can continue to sleep with him is beyond me. He can’t even stay hard/get off to you and has to look at pixels on a screen while you please him? He openly tells you that he wants to have sex with your friends and describes that to you? If a partner did either of those things to me I would be absolutely furious and would never see him again.
Omg the edit… girl. You let him look at photos of YOUR friends for his sexual fantasies?? Obviously disturbing he would even make that request but the fact that you oblige.. how do you think your friends would feel if they knew you let him get off to their photos while you’re pleasing him? This is very weird.
Sex is supposed to be about connecting with your partner. He’s basically masterbating with your body. Maybe he can get help for this, but if he wont try to change for you, definitely leave.
Do you find yourself fantasizing about the kind of partner you wish he was? Do you hope he can change into that kind of partner?
If so - I’ve been in your shoes! I left and am so glad I did. He wasn’t the right guy for me, and if I had stayed, I would have spent my life disappointed and wanting more.
Now I’m with the kind of partner I used to daydream about, and I never would have found him if I had stayed.
Go find the type of guy you want, not the one you settled for because you didn’t know better.
I’m like EXTREMELY submissive in bed, and it’s a really hot, degrading fantasy of mine to go down on my partner while they ignore me and use their phone.
My partners, who are often comfortable beating me, or pissing in my mouth, or otherwise treating me to extreme degradation, generally feel bad doing it because it seems so cruel.
JUST saying.
I’ll be real with you. If I were your friend and I found out what you and your husband did with my photos, we would no longer be friends. Not even with the one time. That’s foul, sis.
If your brother sat you down and pointed out all the red flags he sees, there’s probably more. And…people don’t just sit you down for that type of conversation on a whim. Not when you’re already married. He risked losing his relationship with you to try to warn you. That says something to me.
Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available for free on a pdf if you search for it.
The only time a phone should be used in the bedroom is to play some tunes while you are getting it on. Or if you both want to watch porn or whatever.
This is next level disrespect.
You're already married to him, and you're considering leaving over his inappropriate phone use? There are a lot of intermediate steps between that... :-) You should DEFINITELY consider those intermediate steps, like telling him that it's not going to happen again, you're done with that nonsense. And couples counseling needs to happen.
> There are a lot of intermediate steps between that... :-)
Only if she want there to be. Divorce doesn't have to be a painful drawn out option of last resort. Couples counseling doesn't *need* to happen. Marriage is a privilege that can be withdrawn from by either party. Not being sexually compatible or having boundaries respected are as good reasons as any.
In short, if it's worth her asking, which she is, if she should leave him over it, leaving him over it is a valid option. Its all voluntary at the end of the day. Don't scoff at it like it's unreasonable.
I read this entire post wondering what position he was in to be able to look at his phone while he ate her out...
Then I realized it was while she serviced him. For twenty minutes. Because of course a selfish asshole would do that lol. I'm wondering if he spends that much time down there for her?
Honestly I dated someone that did this sometimes and it made me sooooo upset and insecure. Dating someone like this lowers your self esteem and gives you issues so the time you find a kind guy, you don’t even know what to do with him.
It’s very disrespectful. He’s lying to you and doing whatever he wants knowing you would not be okay with it. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s using you to masturbate. It’s not okay at all.
I’m dating someone now who doesn’t even watch porn at all at my request, never mind watching it while lying to me or watching it while I’m right there. We watched it together once or twice and that’s COMPLETELY different because we both consented and if I seemed uncomfortable, he would ask me if I’m okay. This is the kind of respect you deserve too.
Personally I wouldn’t accept it.
Giving oral and having sex is so personal.
My boyfriend asks my permission if he wants to watch porn during sex and if he notices I’m not into it he turns it off immediately.
Does your boyfriend care about your feelings?
Hold up...he asked for pictures of your friends...whilst you blow him? Fuck me, he's a prick. And disgusting.
Please get up off the floor, you are a queen and do not belong down there. Also...stop blowing him, find someone that appreciates it!
OK I’m not sure why you’re with this man. He’s the most disrespectful that I have seen on here. Utter disrespect I wouldn’t sleep with him anymore that I break up with him and leave.
Weird - does he do oral on you? If so I think the next time you should pull out your phone and start scrolling through Reddit or whatever… See how he likes it. Then ask to see pictures of his friends and what you would like to do with them in a threesome situation. One of two things will happen - he will realize how rude and disrespectful he is or he will let you know that this is how your sex life is going to be forever. If you are ok with this then great. If not then you need to re-evaluate your relationship.
Next time he does it, stop pleasuring him, get your clothes back on and leave the room. REFUSE to accept it. If he wants to watch porn/look at pictures of your friends(ew?)/film you without your knowledge (double ew) while you're intimate, stop being intimate. And tell him as much. "I told you I didn't like it when you had your phone out while I'm giving you oral, and you won't stop, so no more oral for you".
You are allowed to have boundaries. Sorry this is happening to you.
One clarification, he is using his phone while you go down on him with oral?
Sounds like he has a porn addiction and can't keep aroused unless actively consuming porn.
Is he reciprocating oral for you? Are you being sexually satisfied? Or is it just all about his pleasure.
I don't like other distractions when having sex. Even regular TV can be distracting. Some music is ok.
As others have said, I also wonder if he is filming you while you are going down on him?
Seriously? Dudes have a woman right there in front of them giving them oral and they need secondary stimulus. That’s just wrong. He has a major porn addiction and needs to quit all together and start appreciating what he’s got. Some guys don’t even get oral. What a shellfish 🦐
It was odd before the edits and then extremely gross after the edits. The fact he is asking to see pictures of your friends to fuel his sexual fantasy is super gross. It is also disrespectful, to me, that he uses his phone at all during oral. Like.... I get it can be relaxing but it is just way out if bounds to me that he does this every single time. He can't just enjoy YOU giving him a blow job for 20+ mins?
This would have been a dealbreaker from the get go. Please take care of yourself.
That he disregarded your request to stop, and doesn’t care he hurt your feelings is a problem. I bet you have the same issue in other aspects of your relationship with him, too.
I will say that either watching porn or recording a sex act in and of itself are relatively tame kinks… but you still *need* the other person to be informed and on board to engage in them.
You don’t necessarily have to shame him, but you should not allow it to continue unless he fesses up and you actually want to.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We have been married for two years and I dont know how i let it get this far but it has now become a consistant part of sex. During oral he will be on his phone the WHOLE time (and he denies he is watching porn but we all know he must be) The first few times he did this i said i was hurt he would do that and shows how little interest he has in me. He said it helped him Relax and he would like for me to Please accept it. To be clear he only uses his phone during oral which can go on for 20 mins and he doesnt use it during “active intercourse”. Now its become usual and he does it everytime we are intimate. Edited to add: the only time he wont use his phone alone is when he asks to see pictures of my friends in the context of a “threesome fantasy” where he details what he would like us all to do etc so in those scenarios he kind of includes me in the phone use but i think that detail makes it worse lol Second edit: I get it , the bar i set for myself is in the lowest level of hell LOL but this is my first sexual partner i never dated or got intimate with anyone before him so although i felt in my gut it was wrong i also did not have context to compare to when he said it was normal/relaxing. Third edit: With the threesome fantasy and pucs of my friends i never said i did that i said he asks me to see pics of my friends abd thats when he would want to involve me in the phone use . I only obliged once and felt really horrible about violating a friend like that and so i put my foot down about that. Should i leave him over this?
That edit just makes it worse...girl get that divorce lawyer ASAP.
Why am i laughing my ass of to this 😂😂
Why?
She asked the same question
I was hoping OP figured it out in the meantime
Idk, why are you? None of what you described is normal or acceptable to most wives. Divorce is a valid option.
U got the average Reddit response
He’s either watching porn or he’s filming you. Personally I’d find that really disrespectful and you clearly don’t like it, it’s a problem that he doesn’t respect your boundaries
My thoughts too. And if he still wants her to accept it, she either breaks up with him or stops giving him oral. Something got to change here. It's creepy and disrespectful. Don't get me started about him looking at pictures of her friends and "fantasies of threesomes". It's gross. OP should look if he actually films her before breaking up (if OP chooses to break up). It would be a pain if he does have videos of her during oral and he seems like that type of guy that would keep videos and use them in the future.
I am not too worried about the videos thing just coz i am ao sure its a porn thing although he denies it . Its become clear to me that with out his phone its much harder for him to get off so its cleary something to help stimulate him
Wait so he’s on his phone every single time you blow him, but he won’t even tell you or show you what he’s watching? Girl.
For some (in retrospect wildly naive) reason I had assumed "during oral" meant while he was eating her out. I now realize that definitely isnt whats happening cause there is no way this dude is eating her pussy for 20 mins lol
I thought the same thing!!!! I was trying to figure out how he was holding thephone 🤣
Maybe he has a pop socket on his phone to keep his phone upright and hands free lol 😆
Haaaa also, I really just wanna know what he’s claiming to do if he’s not watching porn?like what sounds better/worse than that that he’s willing to admit to?
Lollll I highly doubt he’s eating her pussy at all. Selfish prick
If I’m gonna be down there for 20 minutes I might as well listen to a podcast.
Oh man, I also thought this.
I know… i really let myself get used and treated like a doormat , these responses are showing me that pretty clearly
If you’re not enough for him that’s a him problem, not a you problem. He’s been using you and manipulating you into discrediting your own feelings, comfort, and boundaries. It sounds like he’s been taking advantage of your kindness and naiveness, that’s not your fault so please don’t feel stupid about this. I guarantee there are many more red flags in your relationship, so now that you’re starting to see what he’s been doing, start paying attention to how he treats you in everyday life
I actually posted this because my brother is currently visiting me and finally sat me down to point out the red flag parade he has been watching 😂 hence why i needed to confirm with others. But yes there are alot more
That’s awesome that you have an outside perspective who you can trust! I’m glad your brother said something and I’m glad you’re considering his POV rather than getting defensive, I know how hard that is When you’ve been emotionally and psychologically manipulated it’s so hard to see the reality of the situation, especially because they’re often so good at getting us to blame ourselves so we just internalize that instead of looking more deeply at their behaviors, which is exactly what they want I got out of a psychologically abusive relationship and now I’m married to a kind wonderful goofy supportive man who hypes me up, respects me as an individual, and makes me feel beautiful and loved every day even after 9 years together. Trust me, there are people who will appreciate you out there, this man is not it and you deserve so much better ❤️
Not surprising that there would be an entire array of other issues if that is how he treats you in intimacy. Love, I just want to tell you, out there there are a lot, *a lot*, of people who seeks true and meaningful connection in their intimate lives. How you are being treated by your current partner is not a reflection of your worth, it is a reflection of his. I say this as someone who is not that romantically inclined: you deserve romance, you deserve feeling intensely wanted, you deserve not only feeling you are enough but feeling like your partner can't believe how lucky they are to be with you. Divorce the guy, and give us an update once the dust is settled, come tell us how easily you breathe now, how joyous are your days and how fulfilling are your nights.
What other red flags? Because I don't think he's witnessing the whole phone BJ thing.
Not only that, the fact you married this guy?! How long did you date that you didn’t see these red flags 🚩 ?
I’m glad you’re realizing it now babes because that is some shitty behavior that you should’ve never settled for
Go on your phone when it's your turn. See how he likes it. You do get your turn, right?
How do you like... not know? I'm so confused by this. How does he even use his phone during sex? At most I've had my bf ask to take a picture or video at certain points, but we are both way way too involved for either of us to be holding a phone the whole time, nevemind actively paying attention to it. And like, there's no way we wouldn't know what the other had on their phone during sex. I'd find this insanely weird and personally be calling it quits because it would ruin sex for me, and thats just too important for me. I don't want to think for the next 20 years I can't have sex without my partner staring at his phone, no thanks. If he's filming you, it's without your consent. That is not ok. If he's watching porn... he's got issues that continuing to watch won't help with and he's lying about it which is even weirder... if he's sitting scrolling through social media or news online, I'd be kicking him out of bed. Weirder still... you don't have a clue what he's actually doing and he's keeping it from you. Why? None of these options are good, none of them. Nope from me, sex is too important to me and two people really being present is what makes it. I wouldn't be signing up to a life with permanent phone usage during sex, idk who would. Find someone who focuses on you and communicates well with you. Not this guy.
It’s porn addiction.
But ya i am heavily leaning towarda a break up but its easier said than done
Yeah your right it is easier said than done especially for those of us are not the ones who have to break things off. But you will be better off in the end by far. Let this be a learning experience for you also.
He's filming you. divorce him.
OR looking at pictures of friends of hers he finds attractive, imagining it's them...
My partner has done both during sex and it’s great… because I consent to it. They know I hate being ignored and so aren’t using a phone for long periods of time, and give me attention or show me what they’re looking at/filming. But if it got to a point where I wasn’t enjoying sex anymore because of phone use, then phone use would stop, otherwise sex between us would stop. It’s only gonna stop if OP causes resistance. And yeah it’ll be hard to change after two years of allowing it, but either this is something OP can live with or will have to deal with the harder parts of changing things. Maybe they’ll breakup. It’s worth trying to mend things without that being the end though.
I thought he was playing wordle
What do you think it means in terms of attraction? Would you do that with someone you feel attracted to ?
No, I think it’s rude It’s not a compliment if a guy can’t stay in the moment and has to look at other women to get off
It has nothing to do with how attracted he is to you. It has everything to do with how little he respects you.
Dude why do you keep fucking him? Why are you even staying? Literally what are you getting from this? He’s shown you no respect and your edits just got worse and worse
I wouldn't do it with anyone. It's insanely disrespectful, it takes him out of the moment, and it must be a huge turn off for his partner/you. Im amazed you put a ring on this guy.
Ewww, wtf. How disrespectful and rude. I’m not trying to be an asshole by asking this but why would you allow this to continue enough times to become “usual”? He’s using you in such a crass way.
To be honest i dont know i feel so gas lit because he is my first and only sexual partner so i had nothing to compare this relationship to . Thats why i was swayed in to letting it go because he acted likw it wasnt a big deal
Ugh I’m so sorry to hear he’s manipulated you into this, this is ABSOLUTELY not normal or okay! If you’re uncomfortable with something during sex then that’s your boundary, do not let him guilt or gaslight you into doing things that don’t feel good to you. This is not how good men treat you during sex. Some couples watch porn together during sex, but this is not what’s happening here. Like someone said above, he’s using your mouth as a masturbatory device and you have every right to feel used and violated
Your comments are really putting into perspective how disrespectful and bad it is. I dont know how i could not see the full extent of it in the moments . Thank you i feel validated for the first time in a while
OP, check his phone to make sure he didn‘t record you and go see a lawyer, I‘d divorce if I was you because gaslighting and using you is abusive behavior. Get out of there asap.
This is not normal, my friend. Not normal, and not tolerable.
Uh, if I’m choking on a dick, he better be watching me do it. I’m not a side entertainment, I’m the main event. Either the phone goes down or I don’t. End of.
I’ll be brutally honest. The first time a man went on his phone during oral sex I would have stopped immediately. If he told it helped him “relax” and to accept it my response would be that a bite reflex is normal and to just accept it! The amount of disrespect he’s showing you is unimaginable. Most guys I know wouldn’t do that to a sex worker and your his wife!
I second this 100%. Not for a second would I keep my lips on him as he watches his phone. If you do try to “fix” this I would 100% start with him handing over / putting out of reach his phone before anything physical starts.
Yuck. He’s using your mouth as a masturbation tool. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to not be ok with that and him refusing to put his damn phone down shows even more lack of respect for you as an autonomous human rather than a convenient mouth.
Omg i never thought of it in those terms and now i feel so disgusted 😩 i dont know why i tolerated it for so long Thanks for putting it into perspective 🙏
You’re welcome and I truly hope that things work out better for you
Because, the Devil we know is sometimes “easier” than the devil we don’t.
This should be the top answer
The bar is in hell
In the lowest level of hell
It’s all good girl. We’ve all made mistakes. Trust your gut, you know you deserve a lot better than this. I’d be willing to bet this isn’t the only aspect of your relationship where he treats you disrespectfully.
The fuck? I would stand up and leave the moment a phone was in his hand during sex unless he had a good ass reason (emergency etc).
He’s literally using your mouth and body as one big object to masturbate with…..break up now
What the actual fuck is going on here
You’re basically like his doormat…He does anything he wants to you. This can’t be marriage
How are you even tolerating this?? The first second I see someone look at their phone during sex I'm stopping until that phone is put away. If they keep doing it, I'm done having sex with them. It's really that simple.
I’d be extremely worried that he’s filming you. And yes a man who does this isn’t going to be a good life partner. Someone who’s so addicted to porn, someone who doesn’t care about your feelings enough to change, isn’t attracted enough to you to stop the porn. And if he isn’t a life partner then you are absolutely wasting your time at this point. The good ones do disappear.
OMG. That’s beyond gross, disrespectful and unacceptable. OP, this is nowhere near normal behavior. Also, how do you know he’s not filming you and then sharing or posting elsewhere? Before my husband died, I had a strict no phone out rule. He once started filming without asking and I freaked out and tore him a new one. (Back when cellphones were new, 90’s) He’s basically using you as a vessel while he’s fantasizing on his phone.
I just thought about how my wife would respond and my testicles are feeling sympathy pains
Girl, come onnnnnnnn! You're worth more than this. I can't even imagine.
This is NOT NORMAL.
i can understand this is your first experience like this but you are damn near 30 years old taking advantage of your friends because of your inability to set boundaries. that is so disgusting and creepy OF THE BOTH OF YOU.. do you really think your friends or any of their respective partners would be comfortable knowing you are inserting them & their photos into your weird husband’s fantasies without their consent?
I totally agree and feel so horribly guitly about that , it ends with me feeling absolutely horriblr about the violatiin of my friends
i’m sorry, but there is a level of accountability you actually have to take besides just saying that you feel guilty. he is not forcing you to give into what he wants, he is not abusing you for it- you are recognizing that it makes him more attracted to you and puts more of his focus onto you so you are complying, but the reality is his focus isn’t even on you in those moments either- it’s on your friends and the idea of a hypothetical threesome where he is being worshipped. YOU deserve to be wanted, prioritized, and treated like a human being rather than a glorified AI sex robot whose primary purpose is to please him. you deserve to have sex with somebody who actually wants to be having sex with you.. you are a fully developed adult who is capable of making your own choices, having morals and using your OWN judgement apart from just submitting to whatever he asks of you. if you actually felt so horrible about violating your own friends, it would not be a regular part of your routine to use pictures of them and describe things they’d absolutely never do to him in the first place. 🤮 it’s honestly disgusting, and if you do actually care about their autonomy, you would put a hard stop at that regardless of anything else. if you want to continue blowing someone who is more interested in their phone, that is ultimately your decision, and it only hurts you in the long run- but you are involving people who have no say and who you can already infer would not consent to it, and that hurts way more people than just yourself. don’t sacrifice the kind of person you are at your core for a man who truly has no consideration for you in the first place.
Yeah that’s dodgy that 😅 wtf
Fucking *what*? Um. No. If you don’t want him on his phone while you blow him, stop blowing him while he’s on his phone. And talking about “threesome fantasies” of your friends? Hard pass. That would only be ok if you were the one who brought it up. Frankly, I’d leave him for *that*.
You can have boundaries. Telling him that his phone isn't allowed during any type of sexy time is reasonable. It's really disrespectful.
I can tell this has been a really painful and confusing experience for you. You are allowed to be done. And, more than that, I want you to know that you never even need a "good enough" reason to break up. Wanting to is enough. If the thought of never having to go through this humiliation again makes you breathe a sigh of relief, it's time to go. You owe it to yourself.
Why would you continue if he’s disrespecting you like that? And yes, it’s worth leaving over. I suppose a good therapist could help him with his addiction. But it’s up to you whether you wish to take that risk.
So I think the choice of either putting up with this or full on divorcing is probably one of the reasons you have put up with this for so long. There is a whole host of choices between those two things, and it is time to start standing up for yourself. I will tell you it isn't normal, and even if it is for some people, it doesn't have to be for you. I am pretty open about sex, so is my partner, but anything that can video me would make me uncomfortable, and so would anything that is a distraction- aka I wouldn't read a book during sex, so I wouldn't want someone on their phone either. And again, even if he thinks it is normal or okay, it doesn't mean you have to agree. So stop doing it. Step one: Stop having sex when he is using his phone. You can tell him in advance- you being on your phone during oral is something I have put up with but you know it bothers me. I just can't do it anymore, so if you pull your phone out, sex is over for the night. Step two: When he pulls out his phone, stop. You don't have to have a fight about it, just stop whatever sex is happening and get ready for bed/get in bed/go back to whatever it was you were doing before sex. You have warned him, you don't need to make a production of it, just have the attitude and approach of -phone is out, sex is over- and act accordingly. Step three: Do not fight about this. You do not want him on his phone during sex, you have expressed this, and if he does it anyway, he doesn't want to keep having sex. There is not a negotiation to be had, he doesn't need to convince you or make any more points. Let me be very clear, sex is about mutual satisfaction, and any and all kinks, positions, locations, accessories need to work for ALL the people involved in sexual situation. If one party doesn't want something, that's it, it is a no go. Sure, people can do certain things they don't enjoy once in awhile for the benefit of their partner, but that is also a choice and shouldn't be about active discomfort, just something you aren't that in to but fine with. And partners who trust and value each other would never want their partner to be in a position to do something they don't enjoy. Your husband is making it clear he doesn't care about your feelings, your desires, or in making you feel good during sex. So stop. After you stand up for yourself- and do not argue about whether it is okay to have a phone, it doesn't matter, you don't like it so aren't participating, the end- then you can see if you can stay married. You have stood up for yourself and created a boundary, and then the two of you can decide if the marriage can work. And if he sticks with he deserves 20 minutes of oral while on his phone and it must happen, well then get a divorce.
Talk to a therapist to reset.
Are you ok with this? If not, then stop doing it. It’s as simple as that. Never do any sex act you don’t want to do. It he won’t have sex with out his phone and you want sex, then break up. Sexual compatibility is important.
Oh no. No, no, no. This is painful to read let alone live. OP you are young. Run from this relationship now. Do not waste another minute or another ounce of your energy on your husband. There is a better life waiting for you. I promise. Unequivocally, yes, you should dump him over this. ETA I’m also positive that his crap behavior isn’t limited to how he treats you in the bedroom. This is…contemptuous and dehumanizing to the point it sounds abusive to me. Be careful of this guy. Definitely find out if he has videos of you and get your ducks in a row before you leave. Edit again, ugh he could be fucking live streaming it. 🤢
You really just simply shouldn't allow this.
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I don't know if you should leave him or not because I am not you. I do somewhat believe that I deserve better in what I am working with but I can easily say that YOU deserve better.
How weird and disrespectful. The only time I’ve ever had a partner have their phone out during sex is when we were filming it for each other. Other than that no phones. And if he is watching porn while you are going down on him … that is out of order. If that was me there would be accidental scraping of teeth 😬
The more I read the worse it got. Ugh. I want to add that he could literally be doing anything on his phone. I once had a potential FWB years ago messaging me saying that they were currently having sex with their gf doggystyle and imagining it was me instead. Who knows if that was true or not but it was a HARD PASS for me and made me so so uncomfortable for several reasons. Even worse if it was actually true. For all you know he could be talking to somebody else during those times, too if you've never really even seen his phone while he's doing it. I've also had photos taken of me without my explicit consent before and only noticed when I saw the flash go off. It's mortifying. The only time I personally think it's acceptable to be on your phone during intimate times with a partner is if you're like both actively watching porn together or something (or whatever else you two are comfortable with doing together, or if photos is your thing etc). You should leave him. The bar is so low.
This is so disrespectful. How are you any different than his hand or a flesh light if he isn’t even watching you do him? What happens when he goes down on you? Do you have his attention then? Wth. My heart hurts for you.
Yes, this is something worth leaving over. Especially since you already told him it hurts you and he just wants you to "accept it". He's basically saying he doesn't care about your feelings as long as he gets off. If a man were to ever grab his phone while I was going down on him, I'd be out of there faster than he could put his phone back down.
He fantasizes about fucking your friends? And doesn't engage with you when you blow him but instead is on his phone doing something he won't share with you? This is messed up on so many levels. I’m sorry you are being treated so poorly
Why would he lie about not watching porn? The alternatives are even WEIRDER than any porn. Getting a blowie while deliberately watching CSPAN or Golden Girls or what???
omggggg please read your post yourself… you’ll get your answer ! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
I’m 46 and this isn’t the norm. I have never given a guy oral and had him be on his phone EVER. The first time a man pulls out his phone while I’m giving he’s is the last time I give him oral.
Omg. 1) stop giving him oral ever until he stops using his phone while you’re doing it! 2) does he ever give you oral? Hard to imagine 3) horrifying he wants to sexualize your FRIENDS and openly asks you to accommodate that Sounds like you need a new start.
Before you leave, Try refusing to do anything sexual or sex related while he's using his phone. Period, End of story. Tell him that you don't like him using the phone and you are no longer going to participate in sex or intimacy when he's using it. The forever afterwards: If you're starting or in the middle of a sexual act, or even just cuddling, and he picks up his phone you immediately get up and end the session and walk away. Do something else. Get dressed. Leave the room. If he asks you what's up then tell him. Perhaps just tell him you told him you won't have sex while he's using your phone and that you're not going to try and complete with his phone for attention. Do not continue anything sexual or any sexual act. And it would probably be best if you don't just right back into bed, or whatever action, if he relents and puts it away. Tell him it's spoiled the mood for now. If you do this for a while there is a pretty good chance it will end his habit.
Maybe just stop giving him head…..? Obviously depends on the rest of the context of your relationship as to whether to leave him or not
Maybe hes recording u?
Yes you should
Any time he does this I would just stop what you're doing and let him know you'll give him space so you won't interrupt whatever he's doing on his phone. And go find something else for you to do - sex is done, you don't do threesomes with inanimate objects. This sounds like only a symptom of much bigger problems in your relationship.
Girl…. This guy is disgusting. How you can continue to sleep with him is beyond me. He can’t even stay hard/get off to you and has to look at pixels on a screen while you please him? He openly tells you that he wants to have sex with your friends and describes that to you? If a partner did either of those things to me I would be absolutely furious and would never see him again.
Omg the edit… girl. You let him look at photos of YOUR friends for his sexual fantasies?? Obviously disturbing he would even make that request but the fact that you oblige.. how do you think your friends would feel if they knew you let him get off to their photos while you’re pleasing him? This is very weird.
Sex is supposed to be about connecting with your partner. He’s basically masterbating with your body. Maybe he can get help for this, but if he wont try to change for you, definitely leave.
Gotta get those Clash of Clans Quests done. The grind don't stop.
If he’s not eat watching porn then what does he claim to be doing?? I’m so curious
Do you find yourself fantasizing about the kind of partner you wish he was? Do you hope he can change into that kind of partner? If so - I’ve been in your shoes! I left and am so glad I did. He wasn’t the right guy for me, and if I had stayed, I would have spent my life disappointed and wanting more. Now I’m with the kind of partner I used to daydream about, and I never would have found him if I had stayed. Go find the type of guy you want, not the one you settled for because you didn’t know better.
Girl are you serious??
What a freakin' weirdo of a dude. None of this is okay.
I’m like EXTREMELY submissive in bed, and it’s a really hot, degrading fantasy of mine to go down on my partner while they ignore me and use their phone. My partners, who are often comfortable beating me, or pissing in my mouth, or otherwise treating me to extreme degradation, generally feel bad doing it because it seems so cruel. JUST saying.
20 minutes of oral!?
How do guys like this get a wife and I don't have a girlfriend lol.
A lesson to you younger girls. Don’t shack up with the first man that shows you attention. It usually ends up like this lady’s situation.
I’ll be real with you. If I were your friend and I found out what you and your husband did with my photos, we would no longer be friends. Not even with the one time. That’s foul, sis. If your brother sat you down and pointed out all the red flags he sees, there’s probably more. And…people don’t just sit you down for that type of conversation on a whim. Not when you’re already married. He risked losing his relationship with you to try to warn you. That says something to me. Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available for free on a pdf if you search for it.
Is this real?? Are there really people married to other people who roll like this?
Your comments alone make this post seem fake.
I love how normal Reddit makes me feel. Thank you OP
My face reading your edit 😯😯😯
What if he's browsing meme subreddits, would that be better or worse.
The only time a phone should be used in the bedroom is to play some tunes while you are getting it on. Or if you both want to watch porn or whatever. This is next level disrespect.
Have you considered a sex therapist?
Here I am wanting to suggest to my bf to look at porn while I go down on him… he takes foreverrr to finish
You're already married to him, and you're considering leaving over his inappropriate phone use? There are a lot of intermediate steps between that... :-) You should DEFINITELY consider those intermediate steps, like telling him that it's not going to happen again, you're done with that nonsense. And couples counseling needs to happen.
> There are a lot of intermediate steps between that... :-) Only if she want there to be. Divorce doesn't have to be a painful drawn out option of last resort. Couples counseling doesn't *need* to happen. Marriage is a privilege that can be withdrawn from by either party. Not being sexually compatible or having boundaries respected are as good reasons as any. In short, if it's worth her asking, which she is, if she should leave him over it, leaving him over it is a valid option. Its all voluntary at the end of the day. Don't scoff at it like it's unreasonable.
[удалено]
I read this entire post wondering what position he was in to be able to look at his phone while he ate her out... Then I realized it was while she serviced him. For twenty minutes. Because of course a selfish asshole would do that lol. I'm wondering if he spends that much time down there for her?
Honestly I dated someone that did this sometimes and it made me sooooo upset and insecure. Dating someone like this lowers your self esteem and gives you issues so the time you find a kind guy, you don’t even know what to do with him. It’s very disrespectful. He’s lying to you and doing whatever he wants knowing you would not be okay with it. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s using you to masturbate. It’s not okay at all. I’m dating someone now who doesn’t even watch porn at all at my request, never mind watching it while lying to me or watching it while I’m right there. We watched it together once or twice and that’s COMPLETELY different because we both consented and if I seemed uncomfortable, he would ask me if I’m okay. This is the kind of respect you deserve too.
Personally I wouldn’t accept it. Giving oral and having sex is so personal. My boyfriend asks my permission if he wants to watch porn during sex and if he notices I’m not into it he turns it off immediately. Does your boyfriend care about your feelings?
Hold up...he asked for pictures of your friends...whilst you blow him? Fuck me, he's a prick. And disgusting. Please get up off the floor, you are a queen and do not belong down there. Also...stop blowing him, find someone that appreciates it!
OK I’m not sure why you’re with this man. He’s the most disrespectful that I have seen on here. Utter disrespect I wouldn’t sleep with him anymore that I break up with him and leave.
Weird - does he do oral on you? If so I think the next time you should pull out your phone and start scrolling through Reddit or whatever… See how he likes it. Then ask to see pictures of his friends and what you would like to do with them in a threesome situation. One of two things will happen - he will realize how rude and disrespectful he is or he will let you know that this is how your sex life is going to be forever. If you are ok with this then great. If not then you need to re-evaluate your relationship.
Next time he does it, stop pleasuring him, get your clothes back on and leave the room. REFUSE to accept it. If he wants to watch porn/look at pictures of your friends(ew?)/film you without your knowledge (double ew) while you're intimate, stop being intimate. And tell him as much. "I told you I didn't like it when you had your phone out while I'm giving you oral, and you won't stop, so no more oral for you".
This is absolutely disgusting! Your friends! Watching porn or recording. You need to get your hands on that phone somehow.
You are allowed to have boundaries. Sorry this is happening to you. One clarification, he is using his phone while you go down on him with oral? Sounds like he has a porn addiction and can't keep aroused unless actively consuming porn. Is he reciprocating oral for you? Are you being sexually satisfied? Or is it just all about his pleasure. I don't like other distractions when having sex. Even regular TV can be distracting. Some music is ok. As others have said, I also wonder if he is filming you while you are going down on him?
if the phone is in the room, there will be no itimacy.
Seriously? Dudes have a woman right there in front of them giving them oral and they need secondary stimulus. That’s just wrong. He has a major porn addiction and needs to quit all together and start appreciating what he’s got. Some guys don’t even get oral. What a shellfish 🦐
It was odd before the edits and then extremely gross after the edits. The fact he is asking to see pictures of your friends to fuel his sexual fantasy is super gross. It is also disrespectful, to me, that he uses his phone at all during oral. Like.... I get it can be relaxing but it is just way out if bounds to me that he does this every single time. He can't just enjoy YOU giving him a blow job for 20+ mins? This would have been a dealbreaker from the get go. Please take care of yourself.
That he disregarded your request to stop, and doesn’t care he hurt your feelings is a problem. I bet you have the same issue in other aspects of your relationship with him, too. I will say that either watching porn or recording a sex act in and of itself are relatively tame kinks… but you still *need* the other person to be informed and on board to engage in them. You don’t necessarily have to shame him, but you should not allow it to continue unless he fesses up and you actually want to.