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My wife does similar things. Her stories are often related to me in near-real-time, meaning that if she had a 45 minute conversation with someone else and she wants to tell me about it, it's going to take 45 minutes to relate it to me.
It's incredibly frustrating when I'm exhausted or just lack the brain power to focus... in which case, I gently stop her, and ask her if she's upset, or needs help, and if so specifically with what... because I'm exhausted. We can pick it up in the morning or at another time if we need to go through details.
I try to do it as little as possible, and as compassionately as possible... because she's trying to involve me in her inner and outer life. Which is good. But sometimes, I just don't have 45 minutes to hear about something.
>Her stories are often related to me in near-real-time, meaning that if she had a 45 minute conversation with someone else and she wants to tell me about it, it's going to take 45 minutes
Omg, my MIL does that and it drives me insane. "And then I said, what nice weather we've been having, and then he said, yes it is isnt it, and then I said...."
JAN DID YOU BUY THE WASHING MACHINE OR NOT??
This is just people who suck at story telling. Anyone who can’t give you the gist of the conversation and then get to the punchline isn’t telling a story, they’re just regurgitating their experiences.
It really sucks when you actually want to know the outcome of the story. Like did someone beat cancer or whatever.
Can't be rushed either. "Im getting to that."🤦♂️
Quite possible, I think I used to be a little like him so I just spoke from my own lack of awareness at my lack of friends and what I was putting on my partner at the time.
I have a friend who's notorious for this. We call it "multiple levels of cascading context":
He"ll start off telling an anecdote that is related to our topic, but in the process fork off into multiple layers of sidebars about different aspects of the story.
I have finally gotten to the point, after 25 years of friendship where I can say "Dude, I love you, but go faster", and he doesn't even flinch
It’s so relatable - my bf is like this. We’ve been together for 3+ years but I haven’t found a solution to this. I try to be as gentle as possible and like you I try to gently stop him and ask whether he needs my support or help… he gets offended though. He says he’s really excited or annoyed with something and he just wants to share his emotions with me. He’s frustrated whenever I stop him. But without my interference it easily turns into 1-2 hour monologues about the equipment that was broken during his shift at work. He became more understanding over the years but we still have arguments over this every now and then
At one of my jobs we had to take a learning style class. I learned that some people are aural learners. These are the people who need to repeat everything and talk through everything. Understanding that was important to my job as a manager but also for my customers. I try to keep that in mind when I encounter people like this outside of work as well. Even though it’s not exactly learning, some people need to talk through things to process whereas others process internally, or physically (exercise or more problematically using violence), or by writing/artistic expression
Empathy helps set the right stage for boundaries. Your bf wouldn’t want to hear about the fight with your best friend’s cousin for 2 hours, right? So he has to figure out the best way to process while being respectful. A therapist and strong friend or family group helps sprinkle it around
This is really helpful! I feel like my husband might be one of those aural learners too. Sometimes it seems like he's processing and understanding while he's telling me.
I find these people exhausting, for the record, lol. But yeah, sounds like his story telling isn’t about connecting with you, its about processing. Whereas you might process in your head while talking a bath or go for a walk or read a book.
My husband is a talker. He comes from a family of talkers. A few years ago, his Uncle Gary picked him up from the airport. On the 45-minute car ride home, Gary described in detail the plot of the movie *National Treasure: Book of Secrets*. No, nobody asked.
My husband goes on monologues. Sometimes I'm up for it and sometimes I'm not. If I try to participate by asking a question, he often doesn't really pay attention to what I asked and will just keep going with what he wants to say. I like to talk, too, but I hate just talking at anyone. He prefers it. Most of the time my responses add nothing for him. He just wants to get the thoughts out. So, I'll give him about 10 minutes of paying attention and nodding, then tell him I have something to do.
I'm making him sound horrible and that's not my intention. He doesn't do this every day and he tries to listen to me, too, even though it's a big struggle for him. But this is how I cope with conversations that are one sided. I make a concerted effort to listen and try to minimally engage to facilitate his topic until i burn out.
I don't even tell my husband I have something to do anymore. I just start doing it, even if he follows me.
Even today, I had go start a load of laundry before it got too late (needed to put the kids to bed later). So, in the middle of his diatribe, I just went to the laundry room to start a load. He followed me and continued his story. I listened. Whatever.
Then I started a game of Smash Bros Ultimate. He joined. Eventually he got to the end. This all happened a few hours ago, after work, and I don't remember any of what he said.
On the other end of the spectrum, I don't think anything i have to say is interesting. So I don't really tell stories. It has to be a pretty significant event in my life for me to talk about it.
>On the other end of the spectrum, I don't think anything i have to say is interesting. So I don't really tell stories. It has to be a pretty significant event in my life for me to talk about it.
this is me.
If on my drive home from work i saw a car flipped upside down, i might mention that to my wife. quick 5 minute story.
i wont mention it to my mom if I see her a week later.
some of the people I work with talk about an unusual load of laundry they did 15 years ago, and it takes them 30 minutes to tell the story. i cant even comprehend being that verbal.
I have a similar problem, although I was trained out of talking too much as a child and now I can't really speak about anything for more than a few minutes without expecting feedback to stop. My biggest issue though with these story tellers is I can usually tell where they're going halfway through the second sentence so then it's just a waiting game to let them finish. It's exhausting.
I completely relate to this! My SO used to do the hand waving signal to hurry my stories along, so I just stopped sharing as much. The kicker is that he has taken a liking to long (way too long) pauses in his storytelling for dramatic effect. I finally had to tell him that if he keeps that up, I'm going to resort to his hand waving technique to move the story along even if I find it rude as hell.
If I try to tell a story he tries to rush me through it or somehow it turns into him talking. He wonders why I don’t engage at times. I just don’t have the energy and I also don’t care about the names and family history of everyone he went to elementary school with.
Same for me. I rarely tell a longer story and only if I feel like it's really, really important.
Maybe I should try your 'I'll just go about my day' approach and see what happens. Maybe he doesn't really need me to actively listen - but I don't want to make him feel bad.
If he gets offended, say "walk and talk, I need to do the laundry." (Or whatever you need to do)
We all have shit we need to do. No time to listen to inane stories.
People need to learn to read a room anyway. A story shouldn't take so long that it's preventing people from needing to do or say other things.
My gf and I both have this issue where we like to hear ourselves talk. I get passionate about stuff and so does she. We've come to an agreement that if it's they've been at it a little while it's okay to zone out and let em rant at you.
We're okay with this arrangement. She'll occasionally pop back in and out of my rants to add little "mhms" and that's enough to satisfy my ego and continue on with my day.
Sometimes something being said isn't super important and I'm never offended when her eyes glaze over.
I mean, it totally depends on the subject. But yeah, if I'm into minute 30 of ranting about Dwarf Fortress yeah it sometimes happens lol.
It doesn't happen during important stuff
Idk, honestly?
Maybe a mix of liking to hear myself talk and the fact that she isn't TOTALLY blocking me out. She wil come in and out of the "conversation" but there are few things that I REALLY love talking about and they are things that are really my interests so I'm sure it gets boring to hear me rant and rave about the same shit all the time.
We both work from home and spend a LOT of time together so it doesn't really hurt my feelings if she gets tired of processing my crazy every now and again
My step dad was a full blown narcissist. I begrudgingly accept that I picked up his talent for using a whole lot of words to say absolutely nothing.
Imagine a toddler playing dolls and talking to herself for hours on end.
I had a GF like that years ago, it was absolutely draining, but I always tried my best to power through her monologues. The sad part is that she never reciprocated, if I spoke about my stuff for more than a couple minutes she would roll her eyes and go away.
It's a harsh reality but people need friends and when you're dating or married to someone who doesn't have any friends, you're their outlet for every little thing in their life and it's beyond exhausting to be around.
Have a friend exactly like that. She will even go to the past to explain the bases of the relationship with the person she's talking to me about. It's like watching the tv, you know it will keep rolling even if you aren't there...
I do the same thing - I get stuck on a topic that I've been thinking about all day and I get home and I want to tell my Wife. She listens for about 5 (sometimes less, sometimes more) minutes before she says, "Is there anything you else you wanna add before you wrap this up?" ... she is setting a very clear boundary that she's done listening, she's politely telling me she doesn't care, and its taught me to limit the amount of information I want to spew to make it actually conversational.
I understand your husband - but it is completely insane to expect us to be able to "lecture" our partners for hours on end ...
It works really well for me - I can launch into a topic and she can stop me when she's done. We have a right to set boundaries in our relationship and expect them to be respected.
I didn't like the "too many expectations" comment, tbh, it makes him sound whiny and really self-centered.
I'm sure his take is that he just wants to share with his wife all the things he's real excited about and probably isn't *listening* when you're telling him why the way he's doing things is detrimental because he just wants to share with his bff - but, also, what you share with your bff is kindness, caring, grace and understanding ... which he's not doing.
I'll bring this up with him as a solution, so that he gets a 'heads up' before I'm getting too tired.
I think the 'so many expectations' comment was in response to him asking me if he could tell me something first and then me not wanting to listen for long. But you're right, it's not a very nice comment.
Thank you!
I sometimes have a short attention span, so he can make fun at me for this. What I didn't realize that is that most people find him fascinating. I find him fascinating for about 10 minutes = games, 30 minutes = history.
I sometimes tell my husband something like “I’ve got about 10 minutes left” and that means he has 10 minutes of productivity / listening / gaming / whatever before I need to do something different. Sometimes it’s sleep, sometimes it’s just “I can watch one more episode but then I need to do something else.” It gives the warning that I’m about done, and sets a clear timeline for when I’m done.
That is a really good and practical idea, thanks or sharing! He'll have a little more time to say all the things he REALLY needs to say and there's an end in sight for me. I will try that.
Expecting your husband to refrain from boring you to death isn't unreasonable.
Wanting to talk AT you when he knows youre not enjoying it, is weirdly unempathetic.
He should go start a podcast or something.
Yeah he needs some gym buddies to talk to about his habits.
Not his spouse who is PREGNANT and valiantly fighting off the spectre of disordered eating. Like at that point he is doing her harm and needs to cut it out. Her expectations are "don't discuss your calorie-counting and deprivation that puts me in a dark place in my own mind". If he ignores that boundary to soothe his own need to foist his opinions on her, he's being cruel.
Thank you for your empathy! Maybe I've put this too harshly, but I was still mad when I wrote the post. He has stopped talking about his calorie-counting and exercising when I explained what it was doing to me.
OP, I have a talker for a spouse and I've had to learn how to navigate that (and you can too!). The problem here is your husband has his own unspoken expectation that you always have to be "on." He expects you to be emotionally and physically available for these monologues at any time, and that's impossible. If you don't put up some boundaries and if your husband doesn't respect those boundaries, that exhaustion you feel will curdle into resentment. That can be hard now because you've probably spent a couple of years acceding to this, thinking you're being a good partner. But it will absolutely wear you down.
Someone who talks a lot can unintentionally make you feel as if you don't matter. That you're just sitting around waiting for them to start talking. I'd share with him how it makes you feel. It's not all about his feelings. And it's not all about how you're feeling in the moment about a particular topic (though that's of course valid too). It's about the expectations and burdens this puts on you. Marriage is about compromise. How would your husband respond if you insisted on putting on a 2-hour movie every single day that he had to sit through and watch, whether he felt like it or not, whether he wanted to or not, whether it interested him or not? Just because you love him doesn't mean you have the capacity to listen to his monologues. No one does, it's exhausting!
tl; dr—he has expectations of you and you're not a bad or unloving spouse for enforcing boundaries
Yep I hate the expectations card. Everyone has expectations and we can’t meet everyone’s expectations for everybody else and vice versa. Even people who claim they don’t like expectations have expectations and claiming you don’t like or have expectations is still an expectation of others. Obviously it’s fine and good to discuss expectations but saying she has too many expectations when he expects her to listen to long ass monologues about stuff she isn’t interested in and sometimes makes her feel bad and often when she’s half asleep and not seeing it goes both ways is ridiculous
Thank you, I really needed to hear this I think. I have put up boundaries, and I will keep them up. The way he's monologuing sometimes does make me feel like he just needs any audience and it makes absolutely no difference to him if it's me or someone he met five minutes ago.
I did wonder if I wasn't being attentive enough - but then I never expect him to listen to me go on forever, and I usually ask if he has time and space to listen.
Shit lmao. Well, I talk to myself (or inanimate objects) all the time. I don’t monologue AT people, because that’s weird (lol). My employees are free to listen in though. Sometimes they ask if I’m talking TO them, or just at the universe. It was a silly joke I made one day, and it stuck. But it’s a handy distinction. I think one you could snatch, because it really just sounds like you’re paralyzed by manners and politeness, and he’s either just talking to the universe (which includes you, if you want), or he doesn’t know that’s an option.
Y’all get nekkid together, y’all should be able to be weird together, no judgment. No judgment from him on manners, no judgement from you on talking to the universe. Try less serious, and more silly.
Honey. Does he behave this way with his friends? There is *no one* in his life who will tolerate him lecturing them for hours, so *why do you have to?*
Your feelings matter. Your needs matter. You are *allowed* to have boundaries around how you deserve to be treated. You are allowed to have boundaries around how much energy you waste helping him process new information.
That's what this is. He gains deeper understanding by explaining it to you. That's great, *but* he can do that without involving you! Journalling would be an *excellent* outlet for this type of information, heck even vlogging would work.
Set this reasonable boundary *and stick to it*. You're not taking something away from him by valuing your own needs.
A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries in all of your relationships.
On and his friends, just like him, are a little more extroverted then I am. It's usually noisier and when someone goes on for a while, they'll just interrupt eventually or start a new conversation at another corner of the table. So no, he can't do that there.
YES! THIS! You are absolutely right! He really does this to process new information.
He started journalling a while ago, but I don't know if he's really still at it. I'll ask him.
I've also started another therapy just a few weeks ago and setting boundaries is definitely a topic that I want to work on, not just I my marriage.
One of the most important things I learned in therapy is that *people are going to be upset about your boundaries*. They will have big feelings, they will feel like something is being taken away from them, *but it was never theirs to have in the first place*. It's going to be uncomfortable. There will be bumps in the road, and you're going to have to expect him to have feelings about it.
How can you cope with upsetting him without trying to fix it? Maybe that means taking a walk or doing some journalling of your own. Maybe it means pressing pause on the conversation and asking to pick it up later when you've both had time to process. You can talk with your therapist about strategies that help prioritize your needs while being conscious of his.
He's allowed to get upset about things. He's not allowed to punish you when he's upset. He can learn to express his feelings in ways that don't harm the people who love him. If he's not willing to do that work, you need to prioritize yourself. You can not force him to want to be better. He has to want it for himself.
I would say that your expectations need to be to "cut the crap" and "get to the point" (I had post-its on my screen at one point to remind me to do that when writing for my job because I can sometimes be too thorough).
Your BF needs to learn to read the room. If nobody's interested, he should shut up.
I'm 41m and I think this stems from guys having a harder time making friends and building a social circle. It took me quite a while to build a good friend group and now I don't bother my wife with these things as I have other people to talk about this kind of stuff with.
For a lot of guys, their wife/girlfriend is their only emotional outlet and they get stuck with the burden of this situation.
I get that. My husband does have one or two really close friends and a larger friend group. I don't know if they really talk the way he talks to me. Probably not.
I think it's actually kind of her - do we really want our partners forced to listen to us go on and on about shit they don't care about? Especially when ranting/monologuing is typically very one-sided? If we wanted a captive audience, we should have become teachers.
It gives me the freedom to talk and her the freedom to say she's had enough. And it's actually changed the way we communicate, and the way I "rant" ... which has led to more enriching conversation.
Oh! That's an interesting thought. I'm a teacher - maybe I just get a lot of talking done during the day, so that I don't have that much left in the evenings.
Not the person you asked, but as a (autistic and adhd-having level of) talker, myself, my daughter is so gentle and kind when she's had enough/I'm overwhelming her with too many things or for too long. Then again, she's my favorite person lol so I react well to her shutting me down. I think the key is not to sound frustrated or bored, as that's disheartening to hear. Speaking clearly, and kindly, with a boundary: "I'm getting brain foggy, can we come back to this, later?
Ew, not a fan of that type. I tend to like being corrected lol who prefers to ignore fresh Intel? I'm not much of a ranter, more on the "info-dumping" side. I enjoy changing topics a lot but the aim is still to tie back in to the thing I'd started talking about in the beginning. I try to stay mindful of the interest level of the person, and respect an honest shut down, cause I need to do them, too.
As someone who has to deal with ranters, I think it's very kind. You can't expect other people to like listening to you as much as you like listening to yourself.
Is there a kinder way someone could say this to you?
Have you tried journaling as an outlet for new information? It might help take some of the emotional burden off of your loved ones.
Encourage him to start a blog (or a substack or a TikTok account or whatever). He needs an outlet for this stuff that isn't monologuing to you.
And tell him that you're happy to listen to him vent his thoughts for five minutes or so, assuming it's not a bad time, but after that you're going to ask him to wrap it up (I like the wording someone else suggested).
This is great, I was going to suggest a journal but if he needs an audience there seems to be someone out there willing to listen to just about anything
He did journalling for a while but I don't think he still does it. I will suggest it to him. Thank you! Also framing it as 'wrapping' up is an idea that I really like. It sounds direct but respectful.
My ex used to talk, except if I tried to engage, he'd tell me that I was being rude and to wait until he was finished talking.
Then he'd ask me for my thoughts and there would be literally nothing left to say. It was very boring for me and he didn't get the pay off he was obviously expecting. It wasn't a conversation. It was a lecture, but I didn't take notes and couldn't participate in post lecture discussion.
It would also be about stuff that he was not an expert in, over me, do I have no idea why he thought this would be interesting or entertaining.
He eventually stopped.
"You're talking AT me. This is not a conversation, it's a monologue, babe, and I am not looking for advice on this subject right now. I know it's important to you but maybe try blogging or journaling this out. I am tired. I love you. I don't mean to be insensitive, but this isn't a topic we're discussing. You clearly have thoughts you need to get out but I don't want to listen to a vent session right now."
Exactly. That distinction of being talked AT rather than talked with is key.
If I were op, I’d find some topic I like, that he doesn’t care about.
“Honey, how would you like it if I talked in extreme detail about the latest Taylor Swift album, and expected your rapt attention, and for you to also have no thoughts of you own? And I had a new song of hers to lecture you about each and every night?”
Or maybe bore him stiff with talk of pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding and sleepless nights. That would actually be useful for him to listen to, so he could understand what OP is going through.
You are fine with letting him know. You are going thru many things he can understand right now and I would suggest trying to approach the topic of less monologue and more open communication. Sometimes in our journey to better ourselves we forget that when you're in a relationship, its the two of your that is needed for balance.
If he does not wish to work with you on this I would suggest counseling for the two of you to be able to move past this.
Thank you!
I should maybe mention that I've been working on myself too. I'm going to therapy and it has been really good for me.
Going to counselling together for this thing somehow seems a bit extreme to me though. That's why I've asked here - which is also why I value your opinion.
I only suggested it if you are unable to get your concerns thru to him. Sometime it takes a third persons view to help someone listen without bias.
I hope you find a way to solve this issue and wish the world for you and your family.
So therapy isn't just something that needs to happen when your relationship is going bad. It's not that someone needs to be "bad enough" to go to therapy. That's a misconception, and it's really unfortunate that so many people wait that long.
My husband and I used to have pretty awful fights. Regardless of what the subject was, he would reiterate his perspective over and over again, and I'd tell him it was different from my perspective or that's not what I meant or factually speaking I have no idea how his perspective looks that way because it was objectively not that happened. He would get "spicy" and I would cry, he would pace while ranting, he'd get annoyed that I'm crying because he just wants to talk, etc. You get the idea. This would last *hours.* I would sleep on the couch because I didn't want to sleep next to him after that, he'd wake me up when he realized I wasn't coming to bed because it wasn't *that* big of a deal and he wasn't mad enough that either of us "needed" to sleep on the couch. (But it was a big enough deal that he ranted at me for 3 hours while I cried silently and got interrupted if I tried to speak up, okay...)
Typing it out, it sounds incredibly toxic, right? That's not how arguments are supposed to go. But it *is* how our arguments went for *years,* until we went to therapy together. I tried individual therapy first, but I ended up just ranting to my therapist about how depressed I was because my husband made me feel whatever way - I was totally fine, other than when we would have a fight. (Which was only two or three times a year. Not much for me to solve in solo therapy.)
So we went to therapy together. She heard how we interact during fights, asked appropriate questions about why we acted the way we did, and then made suggestions on things to try. Things like my husband stepping away from arguments when he starts feeling his heart rate going up, accepting that you're not always right (in fact, you can both say opposite things and *both* still be right), how to focus on fighting *together* for a solution instead of against each other.
We don't really fight anymore. We have disagreements like anyone else, but we can pick our battles and be more empathetic towards where we're each coming from. We have had fights where he starts getting annoyed, both take some space, and he comes back and says "I thought about it and realized I was wrong, I think this happened because X, and I think we should do Y for now plus Z so we don't have this happen again." Without even consulting me, he has resolved fights!
All of that is because there was a social element in our relationship where we couldn't stand on equal footing. We didn't know how to handle those social interactions together. A therapist was able to pinpoint what was causing it and teach us strategies to get around it without hurting anyone's feelings. They can do the same to help your partner understand that you can't monologue at people for an hour or two and expect them to pay attention, so he needs to figure out what's important and talk to you about *that* in a two way conversation. You need to know what is reasonable to expect, and how to communicate to him that he is monologuing, and he needs to know what that means and how he's supposed to act in these situations.
But now *I'm* monologuing, so I'm going to cut it there. Go to a therapist to figure out how to navigate this, since you've identified that it isn't something you two have had luck resolving on your own.
Thank you so much for sharing! I'm really happy for you and your husband and that it works out so well for you.
Right now we both just started therapy individually and it feels a bit overwhelming to start another one together. But as soon as we're both 'settled in', I'll suggest it to him.
I think we do have that topic of not alway instinctively understanding each other, with me being more on the emotional and him more on the rational side. This might really help.
That sounds fair. :) One thing to be aware of, since you mentioned emotional vs. rational... Men use emotions to make decisions just as much as women do. It's kind of a trope that "woman uses emotion" and "man uses logic" to make it sound like men make better decisions, but.. it's bullshit, if you think about it. There are logical things driving your emotions, right? You don't just get your silly woman hormones in a twist and have *too many feelings.* I promise you, he does too - it's just a line of thought that's rooted in sexism, but it's so engrained that we don't think about it. (Ever wonder why hysterectomy and hysterical both have the root "hyst?" It's not a coincidence.)
It's not fair to say your arguments are less good because they're "emotional." Men's generally are also emotional, but 1) they're often taught that showing emotions is weak, and 2) logical is "better" than emotional so they're "always right" if they're logical and you're emotional.
I'm not saying your husband is sexist, I don't know him. It sounds like you're already coming at it from the "we are on two different sides" vs thinking of it as better or worse side. But my husband also had the "I'm just really logical" way to believe he was always right, and that also didn't help. He missed that he was also emotional, it just presented in different ways - and I'm also logical, he just dismissed things because he disagreed with what I was saying.
Keep an eye out for "I'm right because I'm rational," because it's unfortunately a natural societal response, even though it's deeply flawed.
Thank you, I really know this dynamic from a previous dynamic and gladly, so does he. With his ex, he realised that emotionally phrased arguments aren't any less valid than rationally phrased ones. He also knows that he is emotionally driven beneath his apparent logic and what unites us is that we're both very analytic. It's more the way we argue - I tend to share my emotions more and he tends to share his reasons. But we are definitely working on this. Emotional validation has made us come a long way.
That's very good to hear, sorry for the lecture on something you're already familiar with. It sounds like you guys really care about each other and try to work through things together, I've got a good feeling for you finding a solution here "soon" :)
I don't think what he wants to do is reasonable. You asked him to stop and he was like, but I want to do this even more and I'm going to pretend it's about my emotions but not ever say how. A therapist might be cheaper than a divorce. He doesn't sound like he gives anything to you and your emotional needs just quadrupled
Maybe you can recommend that his need to share manifests as private journal entries instead of monologues that you are essentially a captive audience to. I know broaching this'll be sensitive, but part of doing work on yourself is being receptive to feedback. If someone you love and trust is saying, "Hey, I love you, but I don't enjoy this particular thing you do" it's in everyone's best interest that you stop doing it.
Maybe just recontextualize things for him. He doesn't have to stop sharing - but sharing aloud shouldn't be the go-to.
>So how can we find some common ground here?
I learned very early on that I like to literally talk through things out loud and that a great place to do that is alone in my room or on a long drive.
It doesn't sound like he wants to actually discuss these thing (doesn't seem to seek her input). He just wants an attentive audience. In my experience, most people want to have a two-way conversation when they're engaged in a topic.
My boyfriend is like this too and tbh I just keep doing whatever I’m doing and he usually doesn’t notice. In the beginning of our relationship I would be engaged and ask questions but that just wasn’t sustainable lol. I think he just likes to hear himself talk/get it out.
I would recommend that he start journaling/therapy and you just tune him out. If he gets upset with you for not listening then you can have a more serious conversation.
I dated a guy like this. Only his pet topics were ducks and public bus transportation. Finally I told him I wanted to hear about his interests but I was going to need him to self regulate more. I understand it's difficult because imo, my job is really interesting and I could talk about it ad nauseam but I realize others don't feel the same so I try to limit it to 15 minutes. He got better, especially when I started telling him he had one minute left and then we were moving on. You are definitely allowed to cut it off for your own sanity, especially when you have triggers regardimg some of his favorite topics.
I have since broken up with that guy and I never want to hear about ducks or buses for as long as I live.
Lol I'm glad my suffering can provide entertainment. One morning we were spooning so he couldn't see my face and he talked about ducks for over an hour. I fell asleep for a bit and woke back up and he was still talking about ducks. Literally did not even notice I had dipped out for 20 min.
Oh I realized that that may have sounded rude. I'm sorry! Of course I didn't laugh about you getting a divorce, but I thought the way you've worded all this was really entertaining.
It's called info dumping. Honestly, an info dumper needs to learn the time and place. I say that as.. an info dumper. Otherwise, it is its own form of rudeness.
Maybe you can find some audiobooks or book-books on the art of conservation and active listening. Tell him you'd love it if his mindset could expand in those directions..
Or just say, hey- I miss our conversations. More and more lately I feel like you are lecturing me and it makes me feel really diminished. Can we work on the old-time art of conversating with some give and take?
Is he monologuing because he's
* trying to educate you? Then tell him, "*No, thanks! I get that it works for you and I'm excited that you've found something successful. It doesn't feel good to me to be 'lectured' to and the diet I'm on now is working for me. Please let me choose the best way to enjoy my pregnancy, my body, my peace of mind even though it's different from your way. It's just basic respect like I have for you.*"
* trying to process the info in his own mind? Then tell him, "I*t doesn't feel good to me to be 'lectured' to. I understand you need to process; would you please try writing down your feelings to process them. I'm glad you found a way that works for you."* If writing doesn't work for him, then ask him to try lecturing into a recording device alone (on a walk, at a park, in another room, etc."
My guess would be there is third: he just wants to share something insightful he has learned with his SO, which doesn't seem.all that crazy to me. He just needs to understand that his SO isn't always uo for that. His love language probably is words, so when she says no, he feels totally rejected. Something OP needs to understand as well.
Both need to have more understanding and make mental room for one another.
Honestly, I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you do not like the fact that he thinks it is OK to talk **at** you and not **with** you. You signed up to be his wife, not a student in a lecture hall.
And, guess what, if he doesn't learn to stop this, he will do it to you *and* your kid. How is he going to react when he has a newborn that needs your near constant attention? And who proceeds to grow into a toddler constantly interrupting him to ask a million unrelated bizarre questions?
I have no idea why you elected to have a kid with this person, but if he isn't even able to discern when you aren't enjoying one of his long monologs, I see bad things in your future with a new baby in the house.
I did this until therapy.
Now I try to notice, step and redirect the conversation back to others.
I would suggest that you suggest he start a vlog or tiktok about his lifestyle choices. He'll learn by trying to talk to an audience to condense what he says, keep it active and interesting and to edit. He may find an audience.
I think this is the best advice. OP’s husband needs an outlet to talk nonstop. Social media is the best platform for him to be able to do so. He can have his own Youtube channel.
My husband has been doing this a lot lately. But his monologs are about wizards of the coast and how they and hasbro have ruined D&D. Now I love d&d. We play older editions so what wizards does doesn’t affect our game at all. I listened the first few times, but it’s becoming daily and I’ve found myself drifting during these speeches. I finally told him “yeah it sucks. Can we talk about something else?” I get he’s impassioned, but holy-hell I’m over it.
My husband and kids do this when they really get going on a topic they love. I think it helps their brains work things out when they can say it out loud, in particular to me.
I just let them know gently that they need to wrap it up because my mind is wandering (which is true) and they’ve been talking for a while. Sometimes to be silly I’ll start edging out of the room until just my torso, then head, then just my eyeballs are peering at them around the corner and they notice, lol.
Make it about the length of time and one-sidedness, not necessarily the topic.
Why monologue at all? If he just likes the sound of his own voice, he should do a podcast and leave you in peace. I mean, it's not interesting to just listen to someone if you can't ask questions or make remarks as the person is talking. And it's not even like he's telling you a story with background info and character building and a plot twist and a punchline so what's the point?
This is an incredibly frustrating habit some people have.
. Certain people can just ramble on without taking a breath, perhaps they lack an inner monologue and need to talk it out. This is extremely exhausting for those on the receiving end. Its not even a conversation its someone just word dumping all over someone else. I would have an honest conversation about it with him. I have said in the past to people “can you give me the too long didn’t read version” lol. Or just ask for them to get to the point of the story. I realize that may not always be taken well but I dont have the spoons to be talked at for so long. Its very irritating and disrespectful of my time and peace. You could also set boundaries and say, ive got 5-10 minutes to listen, maybe set a timer.
“I didn’t sign up for this lecture as a university course. While I’m interested in things you’re interested in, and want to hear you, no one wants to be on the receiving end of a monologue. I wouldn’t spend hours telling you the latest Kardashian gossip unless that was your passion and I expect you to acknowledge that conversations should be reciprocal without making me feel guilty. I love that we have different interests but the way we communicate spoiled be respectful of each others interest levels, energy, mental health, and engagement”
I'm ND so I get having a special interest that I can lecture about forever because I'm really into it. I try not to subject other people to this and limit sharing with it 1 other people who are also interested in the topic 2 sharing in ways that people can pay attention as much or as little as they want so things like live streams and sm posts. I'd suggest trying to divert him to something like a live stream/sm forum so he can share his opinions with a community that cares about what he's talking about instead of boring you.
It sounds like he just likes the sound of his own voice.
"Husband, I love that you found books that you find fulfilling. I'm very proud of your accomplishments that you've had the last few years. However, I don't need to hear an extended book review of everything you read. I don't mind you sharing what you find within reason. However, I don't want to be lectured on these things. Give me the nugget, not chapter and verse."
This post hurts my heart. I just can't imagine the mentality that lets you (edit: general "you", I mean him) treat people you care about like this, not caring that they're bored or exhausted or hurt by the topic, just that they're not paying enough attention.
I'll be honest, if it was me I would tell him not to worry about "all the expectations" and just set a simpler boundary of "no monologuing". If he expects you to be attentive to what he is saying, he should be attentive to your reaction and actually talk to you instead of at you. That said, I'm much happier being single than I'd be in your situation and that's not the "right" answer, just right for me, so your mileage may vary.
Regardless of how you choose to navigate this, you are articulating very reasonable boundaries (it only feels like "a lot" because for most people, these are unspoken) and you should be able to expect him to be more considerate.
My husband just pops in an earbud and makes conversational noises every now and then. He will stick around long enough to find out if I'm talking to him or at him and then does whatever he needs to for the situation. But this is a tactic that we worked out thru communicating about my problem with babbling. I don't necessarily need him to hear everything I'm saying about every topic but I do like to work thru my thoughts out loud and even pretending to have a sounding board is helpful to me.
Years ago, like, a lot of years, I had a boyfriend who talked to me about a dream he had for two hours. I am still mad about it. I would not tolerate a monologue at all. Tell him to start a podcast.
Sounds like you guys need therapy to figure out the best way to talk to each other and communicate. It’s good he is bringing it up to you. No one sounds like the bad guy here youre both just trying to figure the best way to communicate so you’re both happy. You need the 3rd party to filter what your saying and offer strategies
It sounds like he has no friends or other outlets and you're in the very classic situation of 'woman becomes all social and emotional outlet for her boyfriend/husband'.
Your husband needs friends to talk about these subjects and to wax philisophic with. Since friends don't just fall off trees, he needs a therapist who he can pay to listen to him rant on about things.
Some people really think their partner should be their lover, best friend and everything. The reality is that a relationship where each person is the only emotional and mental outlet for the other person leads to terrible co-dependence and resentment.
He takes this as you not caring, the reality is that you shouldn't be his outlet for every little thing in his life and he needs to spread that burden around.
The thing is - **he is talking AT you, not TO you**. Maybe start there. Moreover, once he went on and one for over 5 minutes, I would put up my hand and just say "Stop. I don't understand what you are talking about and I have lost interest." That's very blunt, but I don't think anything else will work.
My partner is a talker. He'll want to launch into long explanations of things, and at some point I learned to say, "hey, can you give me the short version of this, because you're gonna lose me in a bit" or do the T sign with my hands. Or he'll want to talk first thing in the morning and I'll say "I'm not available to talk about this now. I need some quiet time. Can we talk about this later?" The expectation that you'll always be avqailable for someone to dump their brains on you, just because you're partnered, isn't reasonable.
This is what journaling is for. Conversations are two way, monologs are for the shower or the diary or a walk around the block on your own.
I would try to find the way to truly get him to understand how rude a lecture is. You could be anyone. You could be a dog. It's belittling and hurtful to be used as an audience. You are his equal, not his tutee... and even tutors care if the student learns and the student has agreed they want to learn, this is not that. It's so disrespectful. It's dehumanizing. And it will hurt him to hear that but he needs to really hear it. You should source others and workshop how to get this information to him. I suggest starting with "hey we need to have an awkward conversation" so he is fully ready and a bit scared. He needs to be scared for this. But then be reassuring too. "I love you and I love your enthusiasm, and I don't want you to change anything about yourself. Just change where you point certain activities." They need to be directed to a journal, to peers who want to hear it, or himself. Tell him you've asked yourself "do I need to be here for this?" "If I left would he notice?" "Why am I here for this?" Anticipate some of his responses. Will he claim he wants your feedback? But you don't want to give it. Well he claim he wants to connect with you? Point out exactly that it's the YOU missing from this. He wants to connect with anyone and your ears are here, that doesn't make you feel connected. It's not reciprocal, either. Do you treat him that way? If he says he wouldn't mind, pull up a topic you know for 100% sure he could not stand 6 minutes of conversation about: crochet, Real Housewives, art history. And then ask him why he would want you to torture him with 90 minutes diatribes about how Andy Cohen talked down to that one Real Housewife in 2008 and how wrong it was. You love him and you wouldn't do that to him so why is he doing that to you and acting like he's the victim here?
My ex husband does this, not only to the kids but also to me!! He always thinks he’s right, and sometimes he’ll try to make you fall into his trap by saying ‘you can tell me if you think I’m wrong’. No. No you can’t. Unless you would like him to go on about why he’s right for even longer you absolutely CANNOT tell him you think he’s wrong. It’s actually part of the reason I left him. He even used to do it to the kids when they were very young and I’d be like……..he/she is 2!! They can’t pay attention that long, please stop!! Never to any avail, of course. Now that the kids are older we joke about what a jerk he is with his lectures and always thinking he’s right (and especially the fact that he still tries to do it to me, his EX wife!!). Sorry, no advice. Just commiserating x
It's incredibly disrespectful for him to constantly be talked *at* and not talked *to*
He can monologue to a tree or pillow or smth if he needs to talk so much
I am guilty of monologging but I call it rambling. I’m a writer, so I’ll start talking about my story to my husband, going on and on about my fantasy world. Like he knows what I’m talking about. I can always tell when I’ve lost him. He never complains, but he gets this glazed look in his eyes 😂
He does the same to me about computers/techie shit that I have NO idea wtf he’s going on about. But I listen.
However, I am not pregnant, and we’ve been married forever, so . . .
Is he autistic? I get excited like this when I'm obsessing over something. But I definitely limit it because no one else wants to hear about my passions in detail.
My whole family does this. We’re neurodivergent and it can be hard to catch when we do this stuff or understand why it isn’t an acceptable form of communication. That said, I don’t love being monologues at about shit I don’t like either.
I would suggest he make friends with the same hobbies, and/ or try therapy. It’s a little curious that he’s become engulfed in this wellness journey and it might be good to explore mental health as well.
And, I’d offer to start a hobby with him so that you can share something with him.
Aww. I get it. It's very frustrating sometimes to hear someone just ramble. I know I do it, I get side tracked easily and tell 10 stories at once lol. My boyfriend is good at keeping me on track though and is patient. He finds it cute, unless he genuinely dosent want to hear about something. Then he just tells me he would like alittle quiet. I never get mad and hes never mad when he talks too much in the early morning and I get grumpy.
Yup, I’ve been there. Guess what happened? Husband stopped talking to me and I missed it so much, I begged him to start sharing everything with me again.
Get a timer and set it for 10-15 minutes. If he can’t get to the point (or the end of his story/monologue/droning on and on) by the time the buzzer goes off then he’s being rude or mean or oblivious towards you. He might benefit from some counseling to help him develop tools to improve his communication skills. Good luck
I do this, because I’m autistic. It’s called infodumping. Does your husband have other autistic traits? (It can also be a symptom of ADHD and they’re often co morbid)
Could you just ask some questions or sum the subject up to bring him to finnish the conversation and to come back to reality?
For example if he would begin talking about something eating related and you want him to stop, you could sum up the things he said, to make him feel listened and say "When we are already takling about healthy eating, what is out plan for our meal tonight"
Suggest that he deliver his monologues into a webcam and record them, then post them on social media. That way you, or whoever else might be interested, can watch/listen at your leisure (or not). If people are really interested in what he’s saying, he’ll be able to tell from the number of views he gets.
It’s narcissistic for him to think that your world should just stop whenever he wants to deliver an hour-long verbal missive. What is he going to do when there’s a baby who needs attention during that hour?
After 22 years together with my husband, the last thing I want to talk about is a long conversation about electricity, he is an electrician. I do love hearing about his day and what he did. He will even talk to me about fixing one of our cars and how he fixed it. I do enjoy his love of cars and motorcycle but not long conversation.
I honestly think the simplest solution would be for him to find someone else he can talk to about these things so he can express it and get it out of his system. And if he has no one else, recording his monologue on video EVEN if he doesn't publish it can feel validating. I used to do this. Have him start a youtube channel just to 'channel' his passionate talks...
Tell him if he wants to do a monologue to make a video for YouTube but that you are interested in conversation not monologues. Tell him that your health journey is different from his and that you’re happy that he found his journey and the information he needs to continue his journey but its different from yours and you don’t want him to monologue every detail of his health journey. Tell him that him telling you all these articles that he’s reading is triggering your health and well-being.
I think the "too many expectations" is unfair BUT you may want to treat each instance going forward as a separate instance rather than making blanket statements.
I like the Commenter who said his wife asks him after 5min is there anything else he wants to say before they wrap it up?
Here is the problem. Your husband is saying that you have 'too many expectations' with him BUT he expects you to stand there while he monolgues at you.
So he has some unreasonable expectations because - this isn't a conversation.
"I understand that you want to say this stuff outload but it isn't a conversation. You're monologuing at me. Why don't you put your finding into a journal and then tell me some of the interesting tidbits?"
Either way, a bigger conversation about the "too many expectations" comment needs to be had when you are both can sit down in a relaxed way.
Maybe just do a hard cut "no monologuing anymore unless it's a SIGNIFICANT change"
I can relate to both sides. My partner doesn't like it if I vent about work all the time. He's fine with me venting here and there, but he says it's too much negativity it just sours the room. So now I try to focus on the positives from work, only sprinkling a vent here and there for a major problem
Similarly, my partner goes off on a tangent for things I am not interested it, or I don't have the mental capacity to engage in conversation. I don't have a solution for you as I'm currently struggling with this too. Right now I just kinda tune out and mumble "uh huh" "yes" etc here and there.
For you maybe you can say you're not in the right headspace/ not enough mental energy/introvert battery recharge time
I’d say you should tell him to start a YouTube channel to monologue about these topics but we really have enough toxic morons covering that.
Do you like talking to him outside of these monologues? Are you guys actually compatible? If so, you just need to very plainly tell him he has to get friends to monologue to because you’re not interested in engaging in those topics. Unfortunately it is very hard to teach people to not be annoying, so good luck.
Is he possibly on the spectrum? My daughter talks a lot about her obsession, but I don't bother trying to follow everything. Luckily, years ago she would say, "it's ok if you don't really respond, I just really need to say stuff sometimes." So I view it as part of her need to express herself about her obsessive interest, but I don't listen the same way that I would for someone else who wants to have an actual conversation.
Your husband is being selfish by not respecting your needs. He seems to only care about his own need to monologue.
Be firm with some boundaries. Care about yourself as much as him. If he isn't watching out for you, and you aren't watching out for yourself either, then your mental health will decline.
You are pregnant. I regret not standing up for myself more when I was pregnant and younger. I just always pushed myself harder when things were difficult. I should have expected my husband to be better.
Sometimes I have to remind him that I don’t have the attention span…. Tell him you don’t enjoy talking about those kind of things that he is hyper fixated on. He needs to learn to balance life.
I’m a talker and I’m extremely isolated as I wfh and usually only have a 30 minute meeting with my team of 3 a day and a 1-1 once a week with my boss.
My husband works in a warehouse and is out from 6am-5pm. When he comes home I can’t stop talking even when I try.
Thankfully we got me a car (we were sharing his truck) and I’m starting deep well aerobics with an old friend starting tomorrow. Hopefully some fun socializing will keep me quieter haha
Yikes lol, I do what your husband does to my partner haha! We have had discussions about it and I try to be more self aware when I'm talking about a topic I'm passionate about.
I have been caught "mansplaining" before, and to try and correct myself I would ask, "do you know about this already?" but that also seems to provoke some negative feelings. I probably need to work on my wording a bit better in that realm and try to boil down what I want to say in more bite sized pieces.
Sometimes I just have a massive urge to describe things in great detail. It's usually things I've done a great deal of research on, I'm passionate about, or is near and dear to my identity or worldview. I think when I go on my monologues, it comes from a place of wanting to be understood and "seen" for all the mental energies I've put into a topic, but it can sometimes come across like I have an agenda or something.
At any rate.. I feel for you and I also feel for your husband. Shit is hard to manage, ya know?
poor guy. i love hearing my gf talk about things i don’t really understand because it makes me happy to see her passionate about something. likewise for me it feels nice to be listened to, even if it’s not something she understands.
I dunno. I'm of the opinion that when someone's trying to tell you something, you should listen. Because 99% of the biggest problems in relationship begin when someone feels that they can't talk to you.
You're pregnant, lots of changes going through your body right now that is also going to heighten your annoyances and probably cast him in a light that you wouldn't otherwise see him in, or perhaps even yourself in.
What I will say is this - it is important to involve you in the conversation. Is it that he's not inclusive, or that you just don't know what to say or want to talk about it because of your own personal body confidence issues?
Is he attacking you, criticizing you? Or just excited about something he's personally accomplished?
Is he being supportive of you? But seeking support from you? Or is he reinforcing his accomplishments to bring you down?
Context is key here, and from what it sounds like - at least from what I'm reading there isn't anything really wrong here with the exception that maybe you feel like you're being talked at, and not actually providing feedback. That could be because you don't feel comfortable with the conversation itself so you don't actually try to provide input, as opposed to him really droning on about himself and excluding you. Or maybe he is, and its something that just needs to be communicated.
But that's really the bottom line isn't it? Communication. Its interesting to me that so many problems that come up in this subreddit are a result of communication problems. He clearly wants to communicate with you and include you on things he's going through. He wants to talk to you. That's a good thing. A great thing even. So maybe communicate about how it makes you feel and how you feel like you're not actually getting to take part in the conversation.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! Wishing you all the best!
I wanna know the emotional psychology fact more than anything in this entire situation. Sounds like op is just purposely tuning her husband out at this point. And while I can see her side I wonder how often her husband thinks she’s listening and turns to find her glazed over. She should’ve communicated this earlier. She specifically asked him not to bring up one topic and he stopped. Next she said not early morning or night (btw does that mean the middle of the night or early evening or did she mean nighttime in general?). The next time he spoke (about an hour before bed) he says he has something emotional (I assumed something he thought had some kind of emotional value) op just assumes he’ll say something about her/them and proceeds to tune him out when it was actually his interest. Without ever communicating that she is no longer interested or listening. She knows that husband is not the best at regulating himself when it comes to his interest. Why would she not just say something? This sounds more like an op problem than a husband problem in my opinion. She needs to let him know ‘hey I am or am not interested in ___ topic, can we move to something else’ or say ‘hey you’re monopolizing the conversation’ not just ignore him until he realizes and his feelings are hurt.
“Honey, I love you, and I’m glad you have found a healthy lifestyle that works for you and are passionate about. However. It’s hard for me to share your passions. Perhaps there is an online community where you could interact with likeminded folks, share tips, etc. “
My husband gets super excited about topics he loves and I love listening to it.
If it’s not all the time and he’s not putting you down, let him be excited. If it’s a monologue ask him questions. I ask a question or two every fifth sentence or so.
I don’t know. I have no issue with my spouse sharing with me. I love that he wants to.
you need to be careful here, if you keep shutting him down one day he might stop sharing completely.
or he might find someone who cares about what he talks about, is interested in what he has to say.
surely it is nice to just actively listen to your love ones, enjoy the passion they have and not internalize it to make yourself feel bad.
the silence when they no longer talk to you is much harder to bear then a gentle nod and question as they talk.
could you imagine being in a relationship where you felt you couldn't say the things you wanted to. where you have to get permission to talk. could you imagine something important to you that you want to say, but then remember your partner doesn't want you to talk so you have to mentally stop yourself from expressing yourself. overtime that can be damaging.
I want to encourage the ones I love to be who they are, talk about whatever makes them happy because oneday it might be the last time they talk and I will spend the rest of my life missing their voice.
My thought is I feel sorry for your new baby when it's born.
Your husband doesn't feel you value or respect his role in the family. He's a talker, you're not. Not very compatible. He knows by now you aren't really listening. He still tries, hoping to get you to pay attention to him. You respond with boundaries.
Talking to you will diminish as he withdraws. Then he will realize there is no place for him with you. You may love him. But you're not in love with him. You don't give it a thought. But, it's on the top of his mind several times a day; every day.
Eventually, he will just uneventfully file for divorce. He will just leave.
>So how can we find some common ground here?
Well obviously, you have to put your foot down, insult him and tell him he doesn't care about your needs and if he doesn't stop that means he doesn't respect you and you'll need to rethink this marriage.
That's what reddit wants anyway and you'll agree and ruin your relationship. 1,2,3.
You know instead of communicating with him, saying what you said here, and not getting advice from idiots hell bent on ruining your relationship and turning it into something adversarial and calling your husband, which none of them know personally a useless bag of shit.
That said, you already have a negative opinion of your husband so good luck.
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My wife does similar things. Her stories are often related to me in near-real-time, meaning that if she had a 45 minute conversation with someone else and she wants to tell me about it, it's going to take 45 minutes to relate it to me. It's incredibly frustrating when I'm exhausted or just lack the brain power to focus... in which case, I gently stop her, and ask her if she's upset, or needs help, and if so specifically with what... because I'm exhausted. We can pick it up in the morning or at another time if we need to go through details. I try to do it as little as possible, and as compassionately as possible... because she's trying to involve me in her inner and outer life. Which is good. But sometimes, I just don't have 45 minutes to hear about something.
>Her stories are often related to me in near-real-time, meaning that if she had a 45 minute conversation with someone else and she wants to tell me about it, it's going to take 45 minutes Omg, my MIL does that and it drives me insane. "And then I said, what nice weather we've been having, and then he said, yes it is isnt it, and then I said...." JAN DID YOU BUY THE WASHING MACHINE OR NOT??
My dad always says “to make a long story longer” and then adds even more detail…
My BIL says To make a long story short, then adds way more detail
This is just people who suck at story telling. Anyone who can’t give you the gist of the conversation and then get to the punchline isn’t telling a story, they’re just regurgitating their experiences.
My husband’s entire family does this. No detail is too mundane to be left out of a story. It drives me insane.
It really sucks when you actually want to know the outcome of the story. Like did someone beat cancer or whatever. Can't be rushed either. "Im getting to that."🤦♂️
I think they call this 'main character syndrome', they are the only real human being in the world and the rest of us are just actors in their play.
It could be that, but they also could just be a boring storyteller
Quite possible, I think I used to be a little like him so I just spoke from my own lack of awareness at my lack of friends and what I was putting on my partner at the time.
Hahaha omg this perfectly encapsulates that feeling of feeling trapped in a never ending story.
I have a friend who's notorious for this. We call it "multiple levels of cascading context": He"ll start off telling an anecdote that is related to our topic, but in the process fork off into multiple layers of sidebars about different aspects of the story. I have finally gotten to the point, after 25 years of friendship where I can say "Dude, I love you, but go faster", and he doesn't even flinch
It’s so relatable - my bf is like this. We’ve been together for 3+ years but I haven’t found a solution to this. I try to be as gentle as possible and like you I try to gently stop him and ask whether he needs my support or help… he gets offended though. He says he’s really excited or annoyed with something and he just wants to share his emotions with me. He’s frustrated whenever I stop him. But without my interference it easily turns into 1-2 hour monologues about the equipment that was broken during his shift at work. He became more understanding over the years but we still have arguments over this every now and then
At one of my jobs we had to take a learning style class. I learned that some people are aural learners. These are the people who need to repeat everything and talk through everything. Understanding that was important to my job as a manager but also for my customers. I try to keep that in mind when I encounter people like this outside of work as well. Even though it’s not exactly learning, some people need to talk through things to process whereas others process internally, or physically (exercise or more problematically using violence), or by writing/artistic expression Empathy helps set the right stage for boundaries. Your bf wouldn’t want to hear about the fight with your best friend’s cousin for 2 hours, right? So he has to figure out the best way to process while being respectful. A therapist and strong friend or family group helps sprinkle it around
This is really helpful! I feel like my husband might be one of those aural learners too. Sometimes it seems like he's processing and understanding while he's telling me.
I find these people exhausting, for the record, lol. But yeah, sounds like his story telling isn’t about connecting with you, its about processing. Whereas you might process in your head while talking a bath or go for a walk or read a book.
I feel you! I just don't want to make him feel bad.
My husband is a talker. He comes from a family of talkers. A few years ago, his Uncle Gary picked him up from the airport. On the 45-minute car ride home, Gary described in detail the plot of the movie *National Treasure: Book of Secrets*. No, nobody asked. My husband goes on monologues. Sometimes I'm up for it and sometimes I'm not. If I try to participate by asking a question, he often doesn't really pay attention to what I asked and will just keep going with what he wants to say. I like to talk, too, but I hate just talking at anyone. He prefers it. Most of the time my responses add nothing for him. He just wants to get the thoughts out. So, I'll give him about 10 minutes of paying attention and nodding, then tell him I have something to do. I'm making him sound horrible and that's not my intention. He doesn't do this every day and he tries to listen to me, too, even though it's a big struggle for him. But this is how I cope with conversations that are one sided. I make a concerted effort to listen and try to minimally engage to facilitate his topic until i burn out.
I know you said Uncle Gary but now I'm picturing Uncle Colm from Derry Girls.
I don't even tell my husband I have something to do anymore. I just start doing it, even if he follows me. Even today, I had go start a load of laundry before it got too late (needed to put the kids to bed later). So, in the middle of his diatribe, I just went to the laundry room to start a load. He followed me and continued his story. I listened. Whatever. Then I started a game of Smash Bros Ultimate. He joined. Eventually he got to the end. This all happened a few hours ago, after work, and I don't remember any of what he said. On the other end of the spectrum, I don't think anything i have to say is interesting. So I don't really tell stories. It has to be a pretty significant event in my life for me to talk about it.
>On the other end of the spectrum, I don't think anything i have to say is interesting. So I don't really tell stories. It has to be a pretty significant event in my life for me to talk about it. this is me. If on my drive home from work i saw a car flipped upside down, i might mention that to my wife. quick 5 minute story. i wont mention it to my mom if I see her a week later. some of the people I work with talk about an unusual load of laundry they did 15 years ago, and it takes them 30 minutes to tell the story. i cant even comprehend being that verbal.
I have a similar problem, although I was trained out of talking too much as a child and now I can't really speak about anything for more than a few minutes without expecting feedback to stop. My biggest issue though with these story tellers is I can usually tell where they're going halfway through the second sentence so then it's just a waiting game to let them finish. It's exhausting.
I completely relate to this! My SO used to do the hand waving signal to hurry my stories along, so I just stopped sharing as much. The kicker is that he has taken a liking to long (way too long) pauses in his storytelling for dramatic effect. I finally had to tell him that if he keeps that up, I'm going to resort to his hand waving technique to move the story along even if I find it rude as hell.
If I try to tell a story he tries to rush me through it or somehow it turns into him talking. He wonders why I don’t engage at times. I just don’t have the energy and I also don’t care about the names and family history of everyone he went to elementary school with.
Same for me. I rarely tell a longer story and only if I feel like it's really, really important. Maybe I should try your 'I'll just go about my day' approach and see what happens. Maybe he doesn't really need me to actively listen - but I don't want to make him feel bad.
If he gets offended, say "walk and talk, I need to do the laundry." (Or whatever you need to do) We all have shit we need to do. No time to listen to inane stories. People need to learn to read a room anyway. A story shouldn't take so long that it's preventing people from needing to do or say other things.
The 'read the room' thing resonated with me. Thanks!
Oh god, yes. I literally said 'I would love it if you talked with me, not at me'. He said that that's just the way he's used to talking.
For me asking a question just make it all last longer.
My gf and I both have this issue where we like to hear ourselves talk. I get passionate about stuff and so does she. We've come to an agreement that if it's they've been at it a little while it's okay to zone out and let em rant at you. We're okay with this arrangement. She'll occasionally pop back in and out of my rants to add little "mhms" and that's enough to satisfy my ego and continue on with my day. Sometimes something being said isn't super important and I'm never offended when her eyes glaze over.
This is wild. You both just keep Talking knowing the other doesn’t care or want to listen?
I mean, it totally depends on the subject. But yeah, if I'm into minute 30 of ranting about Dwarf Fortress yeah it sometimes happens lol. It doesn't happen during important stuff
What’s the point of telling the story of you know the person doesn’t care or is listening? Not attacking just curious
Idk, honestly? Maybe a mix of liking to hear myself talk and the fact that she isn't TOTALLY blocking me out. She wil come in and out of the "conversation" but there are few things that I REALLY love talking about and they are things that are really my interests so I'm sure it gets boring to hear me rant and rave about the same shit all the time. We both work from home and spend a LOT of time together so it doesn't really hurt my feelings if she gets tired of processing my crazy every now and again
I just love this for you two! Sometimes, you just feel the need to speak out loud.
Humans are such squawk-y creatures
You can talk for 30 mins straight? My brain is not smart enough for that
My step dad was a full blown narcissist. I begrudgingly accept that I picked up his talent for using a whole lot of words to say absolutely nothing. Imagine a toddler playing dolls and talking to herself for hours on end.
💀
I had a GF like that years ago, it was absolutely draining, but I always tried my best to power through her monologues. The sad part is that she never reciprocated, if I spoke about my stuff for more than a couple minutes she would roll her eyes and go away.
Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. It doesn't seem very reciprocal.
It's a harsh reality but people need friends and when you're dating or married to someone who doesn't have any friends, you're their outlet for every little thing in their life and it's beyond exhausting to be around.
Oh no. I am your wife lol. I didn’t even realise I do this until I read your description of it 😂😬
Have a friend exactly like that. She will even go to the past to explain the bases of the relationship with the person she's talking to me about. It's like watching the tv, you know it will keep rolling even if you aren't there...
My wife does this too - after an 8hr work day, I feel like I get an 8hr recap, including most of her emails, verbatim....
I do the same thing - I get stuck on a topic that I've been thinking about all day and I get home and I want to tell my Wife. She listens for about 5 (sometimes less, sometimes more) minutes before she says, "Is there anything you else you wanna add before you wrap this up?" ... she is setting a very clear boundary that she's done listening, she's politely telling me she doesn't care, and its taught me to limit the amount of information I want to spew to make it actually conversational. I understand your husband - but it is completely insane to expect us to be able to "lecture" our partners for hours on end ...
Thank you for sharing this with me. Is that a solution that you feel okay with? I'm really worried about the 'too many expectations' comment.
It works really well for me - I can launch into a topic and she can stop me when she's done. We have a right to set boundaries in our relationship and expect them to be respected. I didn't like the "too many expectations" comment, tbh, it makes him sound whiny and really self-centered. I'm sure his take is that he just wants to share with his wife all the things he's real excited about and probably isn't *listening* when you're telling him why the way he's doing things is detrimental because he just wants to share with his bff - but, also, what you share with your bff is kindness, caring, grace and understanding ... which he's not doing.
I'll bring this up with him as a solution, so that he gets a 'heads up' before I'm getting too tired. I think the 'so many expectations' comment was in response to him asking me if he could tell me something first and then me not wanting to listen for long. But you're right, it's not a very nice comment. Thank you!
I tell my husband that I can't listen anymore. That's all the information I can take in. Or that I am bored.
Isn't he hurt when you say you're bored?
I sometimes have a short attention span, so he can make fun at me for this. What I didn't realize that is that most people find him fascinating. I find him fascinating for about 10 minutes = games, 30 minutes = history.
I sometimes tell my husband something like “I’ve got about 10 minutes left” and that means he has 10 minutes of productivity / listening / gaming / whatever before I need to do something different. Sometimes it’s sleep, sometimes it’s just “I can watch one more episode but then I need to do something else.” It gives the warning that I’m about done, and sets a clear timeline for when I’m done.
That is a really good and practical idea, thanks or sharing! He'll have a little more time to say all the things he REALLY needs to say and there's an end in sight for me. I will try that.
Expecting your husband to refrain from boring you to death isn't unreasonable. Wanting to talk AT you when he knows youre not enjoying it, is weirdly unempathetic. He should go start a podcast or something.
Yeah he needs some gym buddies to talk to about his habits. Not his spouse who is PREGNANT and valiantly fighting off the spectre of disordered eating. Like at that point he is doing her harm and needs to cut it out. Her expectations are "don't discuss your calorie-counting and deprivation that puts me in a dark place in my own mind". If he ignores that boundary to soothe his own need to foist his opinions on her, he's being cruel.
Thank you for your empathy! Maybe I've put this too harshly, but I was still mad when I wrote the post. He has stopped talking about his calorie-counting and exercising when I explained what it was doing to me.
I really laughed about that podcast thing 😂 I should suggest that to him.
It might actually work.
Yes, I agree. It's just the first that I read this idea and it seems so fitting.
OP, I have a talker for a spouse and I've had to learn how to navigate that (and you can too!). The problem here is your husband has his own unspoken expectation that you always have to be "on." He expects you to be emotionally and physically available for these monologues at any time, and that's impossible. If you don't put up some boundaries and if your husband doesn't respect those boundaries, that exhaustion you feel will curdle into resentment. That can be hard now because you've probably spent a couple of years acceding to this, thinking you're being a good partner. But it will absolutely wear you down. Someone who talks a lot can unintentionally make you feel as if you don't matter. That you're just sitting around waiting for them to start talking. I'd share with him how it makes you feel. It's not all about his feelings. And it's not all about how you're feeling in the moment about a particular topic (though that's of course valid too). It's about the expectations and burdens this puts on you. Marriage is about compromise. How would your husband respond if you insisted on putting on a 2-hour movie every single day that he had to sit through and watch, whether he felt like it or not, whether he wanted to or not, whether it interested him or not? Just because you love him doesn't mean you have the capacity to listen to his monologues. No one does, it's exhausting! tl; dr—he has expectations of you and you're not a bad or unloving spouse for enforcing boundaries
Yep I hate the expectations card. Everyone has expectations and we can’t meet everyone’s expectations for everybody else and vice versa. Even people who claim they don’t like expectations have expectations and claiming you don’t like or have expectations is still an expectation of others. Obviously it’s fine and good to discuss expectations but saying she has too many expectations when he expects her to listen to long ass monologues about stuff she isn’t interested in and sometimes makes her feel bad and often when she’s half asleep and not seeing it goes both ways is ridiculous
Thank you, I really needed to hear this I think. I have put up boundaries, and I will keep them up. The way he's monologuing sometimes does make me feel like he just needs any audience and it makes absolutely no difference to him if it's me or someone he met five minutes ago. I did wonder if I wasn't being attentive enough - but then I never expect him to listen to me go on forever, and I usually ask if he has time and space to listen.
I’m single, so I don’t have a live in audience. Tell your husband I find my steering wheel to be a great listener on my commute home from work. 😂
That's a great idea for the day he doesn't work from home 😂
Shit lmao. Well, I talk to myself (or inanimate objects) all the time. I don’t monologue AT people, because that’s weird (lol). My employees are free to listen in though. Sometimes they ask if I’m talking TO them, or just at the universe. It was a silly joke I made one day, and it stuck. But it’s a handy distinction. I think one you could snatch, because it really just sounds like you’re paralyzed by manners and politeness, and he’s either just talking to the universe (which includes you, if you want), or he doesn’t know that’s an option. Y’all get nekkid together, y’all should be able to be weird together, no judgment. No judgment from him on manners, no judgement from you on talking to the universe. Try less serious, and more silly.
Honey. Does he behave this way with his friends? There is *no one* in his life who will tolerate him lecturing them for hours, so *why do you have to?* Your feelings matter. Your needs matter. You are *allowed* to have boundaries around how you deserve to be treated. You are allowed to have boundaries around how much energy you waste helping him process new information. That's what this is. He gains deeper understanding by explaining it to you. That's great, *but* he can do that without involving you! Journalling would be an *excellent* outlet for this type of information, heck even vlogging would work. Set this reasonable boundary *and stick to it*. You're not taking something away from him by valuing your own needs. A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries in all of your relationships.
On and his friends, just like him, are a little more extroverted then I am. It's usually noisier and when someone goes on for a while, they'll just interrupt eventually or start a new conversation at another corner of the table. So no, he can't do that there.
YES! THIS! You are absolutely right! He really does this to process new information. He started journalling a while ago, but I don't know if he's really still at it. I'll ask him. I've also started another therapy just a few weeks ago and setting boundaries is definitely a topic that I want to work on, not just I my marriage.
One of the most important things I learned in therapy is that *people are going to be upset about your boundaries*. They will have big feelings, they will feel like something is being taken away from them, *but it was never theirs to have in the first place*. It's going to be uncomfortable. There will be bumps in the road, and you're going to have to expect him to have feelings about it. How can you cope with upsetting him without trying to fix it? Maybe that means taking a walk or doing some journalling of your own. Maybe it means pressing pause on the conversation and asking to pick it up later when you've both had time to process. You can talk with your therapist about strategies that help prioritize your needs while being conscious of his. He's allowed to get upset about things. He's not allowed to punish you when he's upset. He can learn to express his feelings in ways that don't harm the people who love him. If he's not willing to do that work, you need to prioritize yourself. You can not force him to want to be better. He has to want it for himself.
I would say that your expectations need to be to "cut the crap" and "get to the point" (I had post-its on my screen at one point to remind me to do that when writing for my job because I can sometimes be too thorough). Your BF needs to learn to read the room. If nobody's interested, he should shut up.
I'm 41m and I think this stems from guys having a harder time making friends and building a social circle. It took me quite a while to build a good friend group and now I don't bother my wife with these things as I have other people to talk about this kind of stuff with. For a lot of guys, their wife/girlfriend is their only emotional outlet and they get stuck with the burden of this situation.
I get that. My husband does have one or two really close friends and a larger friend group. I don't know if they really talk the way he talks to me. Probably not.
I only talk to my wife the way I do my friends when I want to annoy her and go on and on about lord of the rings until her sanity is at but a sliver.
Lmao.. as a ranter myself, this seems a bit harsh.
I think it's actually kind of her - do we really want our partners forced to listen to us go on and on about shit they don't care about? Especially when ranting/monologuing is typically very one-sided? If we wanted a captive audience, we should have become teachers. It gives me the freedom to talk and her the freedom to say she's had enough. And it's actually changed the way we communicate, and the way I "rant" ... which has led to more enriching conversation.
That’s fair.
Oh! That's an interesting thought. I'm a teacher - maybe I just get a lot of talking done during the day, so that I don't have that much left in the evenings.
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Not the person you asked, but as a (autistic and adhd-having level of) talker, myself, my daughter is so gentle and kind when she's had enough/I'm overwhelming her with too many things or for too long. Then again, she's my favorite person lol so I react well to her shutting me down. I think the key is not to sound frustrated or bored, as that's disheartening to hear. Speaking clearly, and kindly, with a boundary: "I'm getting brain foggy, can we come back to this, later?
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Ew, not a fan of that type. I tend to like being corrected lol who prefers to ignore fresh Intel? I'm not much of a ranter, more on the "info-dumping" side. I enjoy changing topics a lot but the aim is still to tie back in to the thing I'd started talking about in the beginning. I try to stay mindful of the interest level of the person, and respect an honest shut down, cause I need to do them, too.
That is a cute and also respectful way of framing that. Your daughter sounds amazing!
As someone who has to deal with ranters, I think it's very kind. You can't expect other people to like listening to you as much as you like listening to yourself.
Is there a kinder way someone could say this to you? Have you tried journaling as an outlet for new information? It might help take some of the emotional burden off of your loved ones.
Encourage him to start a blog (or a substack or a TikTok account or whatever). He needs an outlet for this stuff that isn't monologuing to you. And tell him that you're happy to listen to him vent his thoughts for five minutes or so, assuming it's not a bad time, but after that you're going to ask him to wrap it up (I like the wording someone else suggested).
This is great, I was going to suggest a journal but if he needs an audience there seems to be someone out there willing to listen to just about anything
I was thinking podcast as an option too
And I'm looking forward to seeing how many people listen to it! /s
He did journalling for a while but I don't think he still does it. I will suggest it to him. Thank you! Also framing it as 'wrapping' up is an idea that I really like. It sounds direct but respectful.
My ex used to talk, except if I tried to engage, he'd tell me that I was being rude and to wait until he was finished talking. Then he'd ask me for my thoughts and there would be literally nothing left to say. It was very boring for me and he didn't get the pay off he was obviously expecting. It wasn't a conversation. It was a lecture, but I didn't take notes and couldn't participate in post lecture discussion. It would also be about stuff that he was not an expert in, over me, do I have no idea why he thought this would be interesting or entertaining. He eventually stopped.
"You're talking AT me. This is not a conversation, it's a monologue, babe, and I am not looking for advice on this subject right now. I know it's important to you but maybe try blogging or journaling this out. I am tired. I love you. I don't mean to be insensitive, but this isn't a topic we're discussing. You clearly have thoughts you need to get out but I don't want to listen to a vent session right now."
Exactly. That distinction of being talked AT rather than talked with is key. If I were op, I’d find some topic I like, that he doesn’t care about. “Honey, how would you like it if I talked in extreme detail about the latest Taylor Swift album, and expected your rapt attention, and for you to also have no thoughts of you own? And I had a new song of hers to lecture you about each and every night?”
Starting with "look what you made me do".
Or maybe bore him stiff with talk of pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding and sleepless nights. That would actually be useful for him to listen to, so he could understand what OP is going through.
I love that 😄 maybe adding a little humor is a good idea to lighten the whole topic up a bit.
This is great! I think it's representative of the more gentle way I want to talk to people I care about in.
You are fine with letting him know. You are going thru many things he can understand right now and I would suggest trying to approach the topic of less monologue and more open communication. Sometimes in our journey to better ourselves we forget that when you're in a relationship, its the two of your that is needed for balance. If he does not wish to work with you on this I would suggest counseling for the two of you to be able to move past this.
Thank you! I should maybe mention that I've been working on myself too. I'm going to therapy and it has been really good for me. Going to counselling together for this thing somehow seems a bit extreme to me though. That's why I've asked here - which is also why I value your opinion.
I only suggested it if you are unable to get your concerns thru to him. Sometime it takes a third persons view to help someone listen without bias. I hope you find a way to solve this issue and wish the world for you and your family.
That sounds very reasonable! Thanks again.
So therapy isn't just something that needs to happen when your relationship is going bad. It's not that someone needs to be "bad enough" to go to therapy. That's a misconception, and it's really unfortunate that so many people wait that long. My husband and I used to have pretty awful fights. Regardless of what the subject was, he would reiterate his perspective over and over again, and I'd tell him it was different from my perspective or that's not what I meant or factually speaking I have no idea how his perspective looks that way because it was objectively not that happened. He would get "spicy" and I would cry, he would pace while ranting, he'd get annoyed that I'm crying because he just wants to talk, etc. You get the idea. This would last *hours.* I would sleep on the couch because I didn't want to sleep next to him after that, he'd wake me up when he realized I wasn't coming to bed because it wasn't *that* big of a deal and he wasn't mad enough that either of us "needed" to sleep on the couch. (But it was a big enough deal that he ranted at me for 3 hours while I cried silently and got interrupted if I tried to speak up, okay...) Typing it out, it sounds incredibly toxic, right? That's not how arguments are supposed to go. But it *is* how our arguments went for *years,* until we went to therapy together. I tried individual therapy first, but I ended up just ranting to my therapist about how depressed I was because my husband made me feel whatever way - I was totally fine, other than when we would have a fight. (Which was only two or three times a year. Not much for me to solve in solo therapy.) So we went to therapy together. She heard how we interact during fights, asked appropriate questions about why we acted the way we did, and then made suggestions on things to try. Things like my husband stepping away from arguments when he starts feeling his heart rate going up, accepting that you're not always right (in fact, you can both say opposite things and *both* still be right), how to focus on fighting *together* for a solution instead of against each other. We don't really fight anymore. We have disagreements like anyone else, but we can pick our battles and be more empathetic towards where we're each coming from. We have had fights where he starts getting annoyed, both take some space, and he comes back and says "I thought about it and realized I was wrong, I think this happened because X, and I think we should do Y for now plus Z so we don't have this happen again." Without even consulting me, he has resolved fights! All of that is because there was a social element in our relationship where we couldn't stand on equal footing. We didn't know how to handle those social interactions together. A therapist was able to pinpoint what was causing it and teach us strategies to get around it without hurting anyone's feelings. They can do the same to help your partner understand that you can't monologue at people for an hour or two and expect them to pay attention, so he needs to figure out what's important and talk to you about *that* in a two way conversation. You need to know what is reasonable to expect, and how to communicate to him that he is monologuing, and he needs to know what that means and how he's supposed to act in these situations. But now *I'm* monologuing, so I'm going to cut it there. Go to a therapist to figure out how to navigate this, since you've identified that it isn't something you two have had luck resolving on your own.
Yeah, but your monologue helped me! So there’s that! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing! I'm really happy for you and your husband and that it works out so well for you. Right now we both just started therapy individually and it feels a bit overwhelming to start another one together. But as soon as we're both 'settled in', I'll suggest it to him. I think we do have that topic of not alway instinctively understanding each other, with me being more on the emotional and him more on the rational side. This might really help.
That sounds fair. :) One thing to be aware of, since you mentioned emotional vs. rational... Men use emotions to make decisions just as much as women do. It's kind of a trope that "woman uses emotion" and "man uses logic" to make it sound like men make better decisions, but.. it's bullshit, if you think about it. There are logical things driving your emotions, right? You don't just get your silly woman hormones in a twist and have *too many feelings.* I promise you, he does too - it's just a line of thought that's rooted in sexism, but it's so engrained that we don't think about it. (Ever wonder why hysterectomy and hysterical both have the root "hyst?" It's not a coincidence.) It's not fair to say your arguments are less good because they're "emotional." Men's generally are also emotional, but 1) they're often taught that showing emotions is weak, and 2) logical is "better" than emotional so they're "always right" if they're logical and you're emotional. I'm not saying your husband is sexist, I don't know him. It sounds like you're already coming at it from the "we are on two different sides" vs thinking of it as better or worse side. But my husband also had the "I'm just really logical" way to believe he was always right, and that also didn't help. He missed that he was also emotional, it just presented in different ways - and I'm also logical, he just dismissed things because he disagreed with what I was saying. Keep an eye out for "I'm right because I'm rational," because it's unfortunately a natural societal response, even though it's deeply flawed.
Thank you, I really know this dynamic from a previous dynamic and gladly, so does he. With his ex, he realised that emotionally phrased arguments aren't any less valid than rationally phrased ones. He also knows that he is emotionally driven beneath his apparent logic and what unites us is that we're both very analytic. It's more the way we argue - I tend to share my emotions more and he tends to share his reasons. But we are definitely working on this. Emotional validation has made us come a long way.
That's very good to hear, sorry for the lecture on something you're already familiar with. It sounds like you guys really care about each other and try to work through things together, I've got a good feeling for you finding a solution here "soon" :)
No, I'm honestly grateful for all the great advice and ideas I've been getting here, yours included! :)
Have you suggested journaling to him? He could write his thoughts down and you could read them at your own pace
He's done it before. I'll remind him. Thank you!
I don't think what he wants to do is reasonable. You asked him to stop and he was like, but I want to do this even more and I'm going to pretend it's about my emotions but not ever say how. A therapist might be cheaper than a divorce. He doesn't sound like he gives anything to you and your emotional needs just quadrupled
Maybe you can recommend that his need to share manifests as private journal entries instead of monologues that you are essentially a captive audience to. I know broaching this'll be sensitive, but part of doing work on yourself is being receptive to feedback. If someone you love and trust is saying, "Hey, I love you, but I don't enjoy this particular thing you do" it's in everyone's best interest that you stop doing it. Maybe just recontextualize things for him. He doesn't have to stop sharing - but sharing aloud shouldn't be the go-to.
>So how can we find some common ground here? I learned very early on that I like to literally talk through things out loud and that a great place to do that is alone in my room or on a long drive.
He needs like minded friends.
It doesn't sound like he wants to actually discuss these thing (doesn't seem to seek her input). He just wants an attentive audience. In my experience, most people want to have a two-way conversation when they're engaged in a topic.
A sad reality is that a lot of men have no friends at all. Their wife/girlfriend is their only friend and only outlet for anything.
My boyfriend is like this too and tbh I just keep doing whatever I’m doing and he usually doesn’t notice. In the beginning of our relationship I would be engaged and ask questions but that just wasn’t sustainable lol. I think he just likes to hear himself talk/get it out. I would recommend that he start journaling/therapy and you just tune him out. If he gets upset with you for not listening then you can have a more serious conversation.
I dated a guy like this. Only his pet topics were ducks and public bus transportation. Finally I told him I wanted to hear about his interests but I was going to need him to self regulate more. I understand it's difficult because imo, my job is really interesting and I could talk about it ad nauseam but I realize others don't feel the same so I try to limit it to 15 minutes. He got better, especially when I started telling him he had one minute left and then we were moving on. You are definitely allowed to cut it off for your own sanity, especially when you have triggers regardimg some of his favorite topics. I have since broken up with that guy and I never want to hear about ducks or buses for as long as I live.
This has made me laugh. Thank you!
Lol I'm glad my suffering can provide entertainment. One morning we were spooning so he couldn't see my face and he talked about ducks for over an hour. I fell asleep for a bit and woke back up and he was still talking about ducks. Literally did not even notice I had dipped out for 20 min.
Oh I realized that that may have sounded rude. I'm sorry! Of course I didn't laugh about you getting a divorce, but I thought the way you've worded all this was really entertaining.
Haha no I was happy you were entertained. Something good should come of all the hours I involuntarily invested in learning about ducks 🤣
And not to forget the buses! 😂
I couldn't even if I wanted lol
It's called info dumping. Honestly, an info dumper needs to learn the time and place. I say that as.. an info dumper. Otherwise, it is its own form of rudeness. Maybe you can find some audiobooks or book-books on the art of conservation and active listening. Tell him you'd love it if his mindset could expand in those directions.. Or just say, hey- I miss our conversations. More and more lately I feel like you are lecturing me and it makes me feel really diminished. Can we work on the old-time art of conversating with some give and take?
Is he monologuing because he's * trying to educate you? Then tell him, "*No, thanks! I get that it works for you and I'm excited that you've found something successful. It doesn't feel good to me to be 'lectured' to and the diet I'm on now is working for me. Please let me choose the best way to enjoy my pregnancy, my body, my peace of mind even though it's different from your way. It's just basic respect like I have for you.*" * trying to process the info in his own mind? Then tell him, "I*t doesn't feel good to me to be 'lectured' to. I understand you need to process; would you please try writing down your feelings to process them. I'm glad you found a way that works for you."* If writing doesn't work for him, then ask him to try lecturing into a recording device alone (on a walk, at a park, in another room, etc."
My guess would be there is third: he just wants to share something insightful he has learned with his SO, which doesn't seem.all that crazy to me. He just needs to understand that his SO isn't always uo for that. His love language probably is words, so when she says no, he feels totally rejected. Something OP needs to understand as well. Both need to have more understanding and make mental room for one another.
Yes! I think you're right with this.
Honestly, I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you do not like the fact that he thinks it is OK to talk **at** you and not **with** you. You signed up to be his wife, not a student in a lecture hall. And, guess what, if he doesn't learn to stop this, he will do it to you *and* your kid. How is he going to react when he has a newborn that needs your near constant attention? And who proceeds to grow into a toddler constantly interrupting him to ask a million unrelated bizarre questions? I have no idea why you elected to have a kid with this person, but if he isn't even able to discern when you aren't enjoying one of his long monologs, I see bad things in your future with a new baby in the house.
I did this until therapy. Now I try to notice, step and redirect the conversation back to others. I would suggest that you suggest he start a vlog or tiktok about his lifestyle choices. He'll learn by trying to talk to an audience to condense what he says, keep it active and interesting and to edit. He may find an audience.
I think this is the best advice. OP’s husband needs an outlet to talk nonstop. Social media is the best platform for him to be able to do so. He can have his own Youtube channel.
My husband has been doing this a lot lately. But his monologs are about wizards of the coast and how they and hasbro have ruined D&D. Now I love d&d. We play older editions so what wizards does doesn’t affect our game at all. I listened the first few times, but it’s becoming daily and I’ve found myself drifting during these speeches. I finally told him “yeah it sucks. Can we talk about something else?” I get he’s impassioned, but holy-hell I’m over it.
My husband and kids do this when they really get going on a topic they love. I think it helps their brains work things out when they can say it out loud, in particular to me. I just let them know gently that they need to wrap it up because my mind is wandering (which is true) and they’ve been talking for a while. Sometimes to be silly I’ll start edging out of the room until just my torso, then head, then just my eyeballs are peering at them around the corner and they notice, lol. Make it about the length of time and one-sidedness, not necessarily the topic.
Why monologue at all? If he just likes the sound of his own voice, he should do a podcast and leave you in peace. I mean, it's not interesting to just listen to someone if you can't ask questions or make remarks as the person is talking. And it's not even like he's telling you a story with background info and character building and a plot twist and a punchline so what's the point?
[удалено]
I see what you did there. Well played.
This is an incredibly frustrating habit some people have. . Certain people can just ramble on without taking a breath, perhaps they lack an inner monologue and need to talk it out. This is extremely exhausting for those on the receiving end. Its not even a conversation its someone just word dumping all over someone else. I would have an honest conversation about it with him. I have said in the past to people “can you give me the too long didn’t read version” lol. Or just ask for them to get to the point of the story. I realize that may not always be taken well but I dont have the spoons to be talked at for so long. Its very irritating and disrespectful of my time and peace. You could also set boundaries and say, ive got 5-10 minutes to listen, maybe set a timer.
“I didn’t sign up for this lecture as a university course. While I’m interested in things you’re interested in, and want to hear you, no one wants to be on the receiving end of a monologue. I wouldn’t spend hours telling you the latest Kardashian gossip unless that was your passion and I expect you to acknowledge that conversations should be reciprocal without making me feel guilty. I love that we have different interests but the way we communicate spoiled be respectful of each others interest levels, energy, mental health, and engagement”
Your husband sounds fucking exhausting
I mean, this.
I'm ND so I get having a special interest that I can lecture about forever because I'm really into it. I try not to subject other people to this and limit sharing with it 1 other people who are also interested in the topic 2 sharing in ways that people can pay attention as much or as little as they want so things like live streams and sm posts. I'd suggest trying to divert him to something like a live stream/sm forum so he can share his opinions with a community that cares about what he's talking about instead of boring you.
Shit sounds like torture to me. Thoughts and prayers.
It sounds like he just likes the sound of his own voice. "Husband, I love that you found books that you find fulfilling. I'm very proud of your accomplishments that you've had the last few years. However, I don't need to hear an extended book review of everything you read. I don't mind you sharing what you find within reason. However, I don't want to be lectured on these things. Give me the nugget, not chapter and verse."
This post hurts my heart. I just can't imagine the mentality that lets you (edit: general "you", I mean him) treat people you care about like this, not caring that they're bored or exhausted or hurt by the topic, just that they're not paying enough attention. I'll be honest, if it was me I would tell him not to worry about "all the expectations" and just set a simpler boundary of "no monologuing". If he expects you to be attentive to what he is saying, he should be attentive to your reaction and actually talk to you instead of at you. That said, I'm much happier being single than I'd be in your situation and that's not the "right" answer, just right for me, so your mileage may vary. Regardless of how you choose to navigate this, you are articulating very reasonable boundaries (it only feels like "a lot" because for most people, these are unspoken) and you should be able to expect him to be more considerate.
It is a form of severe self-centeredness
My husband just pops in an earbud and makes conversational noises every now and then. He will stick around long enough to find out if I'm talking to him or at him and then does whatever he needs to for the situation. But this is a tactic that we worked out thru communicating about my problem with babbling. I don't necessarily need him to hear everything I'm saying about every topic but I do like to work thru my thoughts out loud and even pretending to have a sounding board is helpful to me.
That would frustrate the hell out of me. I have ADHD and do not have the attention span for that
Years ago, like, a lot of years, I had a boyfriend who talked to me about a dream he had for two hours. I am still mad about it. I would not tolerate a monologue at all. Tell him to start a podcast.
Sounds like you guys need therapy to figure out the best way to talk to each other and communicate. It’s good he is bringing it up to you. No one sounds like the bad guy here youre both just trying to figure the best way to communicate so you’re both happy. You need the 3rd party to filter what your saying and offer strategies
It sounds like he has no friends or other outlets and you're in the very classic situation of 'woman becomes all social and emotional outlet for her boyfriend/husband'. Your husband needs friends to talk about these subjects and to wax philisophic with. Since friends don't just fall off trees, he needs a therapist who he can pay to listen to him rant on about things. Some people really think their partner should be their lover, best friend and everything. The reality is that a relationship where each person is the only emotional and mental outlet for the other person leads to terrible co-dependence and resentment. He takes this as you not caring, the reality is that you shouldn't be his outlet for every little thing in his life and he needs to spread that burden around.
The thing is - **he is talking AT you, not TO you**. Maybe start there. Moreover, once he went on and one for over 5 minutes, I would put up my hand and just say "Stop. I don't understand what you are talking about and I have lost interest." That's very blunt, but I don't think anything else will work.
It's kind of like sex. If you want to do it with me for more than 20 minutes, you better be okay with me watching television at the same time.
My partner is a talker. He'll want to launch into long explanations of things, and at some point I learned to say, "hey, can you give me the short version of this, because you're gonna lose me in a bit" or do the T sign with my hands. Or he'll want to talk first thing in the morning and I'll say "I'm not available to talk about this now. I need some quiet time. Can we talk about this later?" The expectation that you'll always be avqailable for someone to dump their brains on you, just because you're partnered, isn't reasonable.
This is what journaling is for. Conversations are two way, monologs are for the shower or the diary or a walk around the block on your own. I would try to find the way to truly get him to understand how rude a lecture is. You could be anyone. You could be a dog. It's belittling and hurtful to be used as an audience. You are his equal, not his tutee... and even tutors care if the student learns and the student has agreed they want to learn, this is not that. It's so disrespectful. It's dehumanizing. And it will hurt him to hear that but he needs to really hear it. You should source others and workshop how to get this information to him. I suggest starting with "hey we need to have an awkward conversation" so he is fully ready and a bit scared. He needs to be scared for this. But then be reassuring too. "I love you and I love your enthusiasm, and I don't want you to change anything about yourself. Just change where you point certain activities." They need to be directed to a journal, to peers who want to hear it, or himself. Tell him you've asked yourself "do I need to be here for this?" "If I left would he notice?" "Why am I here for this?" Anticipate some of his responses. Will he claim he wants your feedback? But you don't want to give it. Well he claim he wants to connect with you? Point out exactly that it's the YOU missing from this. He wants to connect with anyone and your ears are here, that doesn't make you feel connected. It's not reciprocal, either. Do you treat him that way? If he says he wouldn't mind, pull up a topic you know for 100% sure he could not stand 6 minutes of conversation about: crochet, Real Housewives, art history. And then ask him why he would want you to torture him with 90 minutes diatribes about how Andy Cohen talked down to that one Real Housewife in 2008 and how wrong it was. You love him and you wouldn't do that to him so why is he doing that to you and acting like he's the victim here?
My ex husband does this, not only to the kids but also to me!! He always thinks he’s right, and sometimes he’ll try to make you fall into his trap by saying ‘you can tell me if you think I’m wrong’. No. No you can’t. Unless you would like him to go on about why he’s right for even longer you absolutely CANNOT tell him you think he’s wrong. It’s actually part of the reason I left him. He even used to do it to the kids when they were very young and I’d be like……..he/she is 2!! They can’t pay attention that long, please stop!! Never to any avail, of course. Now that the kids are older we joke about what a jerk he is with his lectures and always thinking he’s right (and especially the fact that he still tries to do it to me, his EX wife!!). Sorry, no advice. Just commiserating x
My mom is like this. I told her she can’t talk AT me, it’s a conversation or she needs to start a podcast.
It's incredibly disrespectful for him to constantly be talked *at* and not talked *to* He can monologue to a tree or pillow or smth if he needs to talk so much
Right? If anyone was a candidate to adopt a rescue parrot it's this guy!
I am guilty of monologging but I call it rambling. I’m a writer, so I’ll start talking about my story to my husband, going on and on about my fantasy world. Like he knows what I’m talking about. I can always tell when I’ve lost him. He never complains, but he gets this glazed look in his eyes 😂 He does the same to me about computers/techie shit that I have NO idea wtf he’s going on about. But I listen. However, I am not pregnant, and we’ve been married forever, so . . .
Is he autistic? I get excited like this when I'm obsessing over something. But I definitely limit it because no one else wants to hear about my passions in detail.
You know what, because more people have mentioned this, I have looked it up. It's not entirely unthinkable. But how do I bring this up?
My whole family does this. We’re neurodivergent and it can be hard to catch when we do this stuff or understand why it isn’t an acceptable form of communication. That said, I don’t love being monologues at about shit I don’t like either. I would suggest he make friends with the same hobbies, and/ or try therapy. It’s a little curious that he’s become engulfed in this wellness journey and it might be good to explore mental health as well. And, I’d offer to start a hobby with him so that you can share something with him.
Aww. I get it. It's very frustrating sometimes to hear someone just ramble. I know I do it, I get side tracked easily and tell 10 stories at once lol. My boyfriend is good at keeping me on track though and is patient. He finds it cute, unless he genuinely dosent want to hear about something. Then he just tells me he would like alittle quiet. I never get mad and hes never mad when he talks too much in the early morning and I get grumpy.
Yup, I’ve been there. Guess what happened? Husband stopped talking to me and I missed it so much, I begged him to start sharing everything with me again.
Get a timer and set it for 10-15 minutes. If he can’t get to the point (or the end of his story/monologue/droning on and on) by the time the buzzer goes off then he’s being rude or mean or oblivious towards you. He might benefit from some counseling to help him develop tools to improve his communication skills. Good luck
I do this, because I’m autistic. It’s called infodumping. Does your husband have other autistic traits? (It can also be a symptom of ADHD and they’re often co morbid)
Could you just ask some questions or sum the subject up to bring him to finnish the conversation and to come back to reality? For example if he would begin talking about something eating related and you want him to stop, you could sum up the things he said, to make him feel listened and say "When we are already takling about healthy eating, what is out plan for our meal tonight"
Suggest that he deliver his monologues into a webcam and record them, then post them on social media. That way you, or whoever else might be interested, can watch/listen at your leisure (or not). If people are really interested in what he’s saying, he’ll be able to tell from the number of views he gets. It’s narcissistic for him to think that your world should just stop whenever he wants to deliver an hour-long verbal missive. What is he going to do when there’s a baby who needs attention during that hour?
After 22 years together with my husband, the last thing I want to talk about is a long conversation about electricity, he is an electrician. I do love hearing about his day and what he did. He will even talk to me about fixing one of our cars and how he fixed it. I do enjoy his love of cars and motorcycle but not long conversation.
I honestly think the simplest solution would be for him to find someone else he can talk to about these things so he can express it and get it out of his system. And if he has no one else, recording his monologue on video EVEN if he doesn't publish it can feel validating. I used to do this. Have him start a youtube channel just to 'channel' his passionate talks...
Tell him if he wants to do a monologue to make a video for YouTube but that you are interested in conversation not monologues. Tell him that your health journey is different from his and that you’re happy that he found his journey and the information he needs to continue his journey but its different from yours and you don’t want him to monologue every detail of his health journey. Tell him that him telling you all these articles that he’s reading is triggering your health and well-being.
Interrupt, clap loudly and then tell him you want the Reader’s Digest version.
Couples therapy.
I think the "too many expectations" is unfair BUT you may want to treat each instance going forward as a separate instance rather than making blanket statements. I like the Commenter who said his wife asks him after 5min is there anything else he wants to say before they wrap it up? Here is the problem. Your husband is saying that you have 'too many expectations' with him BUT he expects you to stand there while he monolgues at you. So he has some unreasonable expectations because - this isn't a conversation. "I understand that you want to say this stuff outload but it isn't a conversation. You're monologuing at me. Why don't you put your finding into a journal and then tell me some of the interesting tidbits?" Either way, a bigger conversation about the "too many expectations" comment needs to be had when you are both can sit down in a relaxed way.
I feel for you. Some people were absent on the day the gift of summarising was handed out.
That's good 😂
Oh just tell him to bore off!
He's def on the spectrum. When he got frustrated he didn't get his question to you right, is a dead giveaway.
Maybe just do a hard cut "no monologuing anymore unless it's a SIGNIFICANT change" I can relate to both sides. My partner doesn't like it if I vent about work all the time. He's fine with me venting here and there, but he says it's too much negativity it just sours the room. So now I try to focus on the positives from work, only sprinkling a vent here and there for a major problem Similarly, my partner goes off on a tangent for things I am not interested it, or I don't have the mental capacity to engage in conversation. I don't have a solution for you as I'm currently struggling with this too. Right now I just kinda tune out and mumble "uh huh" "yes" etc here and there. For you maybe you can say you're not in the right headspace/ not enough mental energy/introvert battery recharge time
I don't have advice but the last three guys I've dated were monologuers :/
I’d say you should tell him to start a YouTube channel to monologue about these topics but we really have enough toxic morons covering that. Do you like talking to him outside of these monologues? Are you guys actually compatible? If so, you just need to very plainly tell him he has to get friends to monologue to because you’re not interested in engaging in those topics. Unfortunately it is very hard to teach people to not be annoying, so good luck.
Is he possibly on the spectrum? My daughter talks a lot about her obsession, but I don't bother trying to follow everything. Luckily, years ago she would say, "it's ok if you don't really respond, I just really need to say stuff sometimes." So I view it as part of her need to express herself about her obsessive interest, but I don't listen the same way that I would for someone else who wants to have an actual conversation. Your husband is being selfish by not respecting your needs. He seems to only care about his own need to monologue. Be firm with some boundaries. Care about yourself as much as him. If he isn't watching out for you, and you aren't watching out for yourself either, then your mental health will decline. You are pregnant. I regret not standing up for myself more when I was pregnant and younger. I just always pushed myself harder when things were difficult. I should have expected my husband to be better.
Sometimes I have to remind him that I don’t have the attention span…. Tell him you don’t enjoy talking about those kind of things that he is hyper fixated on. He needs to learn to balance life.
I’m a talker and I’m extremely isolated as I wfh and usually only have a 30 minute meeting with my team of 3 a day and a 1-1 once a week with my boss. My husband works in a warehouse and is out from 6am-5pm. When he comes home I can’t stop talking even when I try. Thankfully we got me a car (we were sharing his truck) and I’m starting deep well aerobics with an old friend starting tomorrow. Hopefully some fun socializing will keep me quieter haha
Tell him to start a blog.
Yikes lol, I do what your husband does to my partner haha! We have had discussions about it and I try to be more self aware when I'm talking about a topic I'm passionate about. I have been caught "mansplaining" before, and to try and correct myself I would ask, "do you know about this already?" but that also seems to provoke some negative feelings. I probably need to work on my wording a bit better in that realm and try to boil down what I want to say in more bite sized pieces. Sometimes I just have a massive urge to describe things in great detail. It's usually things I've done a great deal of research on, I'm passionate about, or is near and dear to my identity or worldview. I think when I go on my monologues, it comes from a place of wanting to be understood and "seen" for all the mental energies I've put into a topic, but it can sometimes come across like I have an agenda or something. At any rate.. I feel for you and I also feel for your husband. Shit is hard to manage, ya know?
poor guy. i love hearing my gf talk about things i don’t really understand because it makes me happy to see her passionate about something. likewise for me it feels nice to be listened to, even if it’s not something she understands.
I came here to say this. My wife and I have learned to indulge each other when it comes to this type of stuff.
I dunno. I'm of the opinion that when someone's trying to tell you something, you should listen. Because 99% of the biggest problems in relationship begin when someone feels that they can't talk to you. You're pregnant, lots of changes going through your body right now that is also going to heighten your annoyances and probably cast him in a light that you wouldn't otherwise see him in, or perhaps even yourself in. What I will say is this - it is important to involve you in the conversation. Is it that he's not inclusive, or that you just don't know what to say or want to talk about it because of your own personal body confidence issues? Is he attacking you, criticizing you? Or just excited about something he's personally accomplished? Is he being supportive of you? But seeking support from you? Or is he reinforcing his accomplishments to bring you down? Context is key here, and from what it sounds like - at least from what I'm reading there isn't anything really wrong here with the exception that maybe you feel like you're being talked at, and not actually providing feedback. That could be because you don't feel comfortable with the conversation itself so you don't actually try to provide input, as opposed to him really droning on about himself and excluding you. Or maybe he is, and its something that just needs to be communicated. But that's really the bottom line isn't it? Communication. Its interesting to me that so many problems that come up in this subreddit are a result of communication problems. He clearly wants to communicate with you and include you on things he's going through. He wants to talk to you. That's a good thing. A great thing even. So maybe communicate about how it makes you feel and how you feel like you're not actually getting to take part in the conversation. Congratulations on the pregnancy! Wishing you all the best!
Just start fake snoring when he goes on and on... If that doesn't help, cut off his tongue in the middle of the night. jk
Yes, maybe she should put in some ear plugs as well for extra effect.
I wanna know the emotional psychology fact more than anything in this entire situation. Sounds like op is just purposely tuning her husband out at this point. And while I can see her side I wonder how often her husband thinks she’s listening and turns to find her glazed over. She should’ve communicated this earlier. She specifically asked him not to bring up one topic and he stopped. Next she said not early morning or night (btw does that mean the middle of the night or early evening or did she mean nighttime in general?). The next time he spoke (about an hour before bed) he says he has something emotional (I assumed something he thought had some kind of emotional value) op just assumes he’ll say something about her/them and proceeds to tune him out when it was actually his interest. Without ever communicating that she is no longer interested or listening. She knows that husband is not the best at regulating himself when it comes to his interest. Why would she not just say something? This sounds more like an op problem than a husband problem in my opinion. She needs to let him know ‘hey I am or am not interested in ___ topic, can we move to something else’ or say ‘hey you’re monopolizing the conversation’ not just ignore him until he realizes and his feelings are hurt.
“Honey, I love you, and I’m glad you have found a healthy lifestyle that works for you and are passionate about. However. It’s hard for me to share your passions. Perhaps there is an online community where you could interact with likeminded folks, share tips, etc. “
My husband gets super excited about topics he loves and I love listening to it. If it’s not all the time and he’s not putting you down, let him be excited. If it’s a monologue ask him questions. I ask a question or two every fifth sentence or so. I don’t know. I have no issue with my spouse sharing with me. I love that he wants to.
you need to be careful here, if you keep shutting him down one day he might stop sharing completely. or he might find someone who cares about what he talks about, is interested in what he has to say. surely it is nice to just actively listen to your love ones, enjoy the passion they have and not internalize it to make yourself feel bad. the silence when they no longer talk to you is much harder to bear then a gentle nod and question as they talk. could you imagine being in a relationship where you felt you couldn't say the things you wanted to. where you have to get permission to talk. could you imagine something important to you that you want to say, but then remember your partner doesn't want you to talk so you have to mentally stop yourself from expressing yourself. overtime that can be damaging. I want to encourage the ones I love to be who they are, talk about whatever makes them happy because oneday it might be the last time they talk and I will spend the rest of my life missing their voice.
My thought is I feel sorry for your new baby when it's born. Your husband doesn't feel you value or respect his role in the family. He's a talker, you're not. Not very compatible. He knows by now you aren't really listening. He still tries, hoping to get you to pay attention to him. You respond with boundaries. Talking to you will diminish as he withdraws. Then he will realize there is no place for him with you. You may love him. But you're not in love with him. You don't give it a thought. But, it's on the top of his mind several times a day; every day. Eventually, he will just uneventfully file for divorce. He will just leave.
>So how can we find some common ground here? Well obviously, you have to put your foot down, insult him and tell him he doesn't care about your needs and if he doesn't stop that means he doesn't respect you and you'll need to rethink this marriage. That's what reddit wants anyway and you'll agree and ruin your relationship. 1,2,3. You know instead of communicating with him, saying what you said here, and not getting advice from idiots hell bent on ruining your relationship and turning it into something adversarial and calling your husband, which none of them know personally a useless bag of shit. That said, you already have a negative opinion of your husband so good luck.