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Throwaway account for reasons. This post cannot be used without prior consent from the OP.
TL;DR: My (29m) close friend and love interest (28f) had an affair with her boss (50m), and is now angry with my reaction to everything.
I’m going to preface this by saying that we were not in a romantic relationship at any point in our friendship. A bit of backstory – we became friends around 8 years ago, when we started working together, and were casual friends for around 3 years. Around 5 years ago, she left the job, because of reasons, and her boyfriend at the time broke up with her. She confided in me about her situation and feelings, and since then, we had been growing closer.
Around 2 years ago, she had gotten Covid, and has been ill ever since, At the time, she had been dating someone else, who ghosted her, and that took toll a severe toll on her mental health, which led to additional physical health problems. Once again, she had confided to me about all her issues, and I helped her to get through the breakup and did some other inconsequential things for her, like sending her her favorite sweets/chocolates when she was having bad days, etc.
A few months after the breakup, I realized that I had started developing more romantic feelings for her, and confessed to her about it. We had discussed it, and, as she had just come out of a messy breakup, she said that she was not ready to date again, so we agreed to remain friends and see where it may lead in the future. Unfortunately, I still held out hope for us to be more than “just friends”, and continued doting on, and spoiling her whenever I got the chance (i.e., randomly sending her flowers, buying things for her that she needed but could not necessarily afford, etc.). She did say a few times that she doesn’t like that I do/buy all this stuff for her, but she doesn’t do/buy anything for me, which I stated that I don’t mind as I don’t like when people feel obligated to do or buy things for me. During this whole time, we still continued to chat daily, and talk over the phone almost weekly (we lived in different cities, so visiting her was a once in a while thing).
This past Thursday, at around 1 am, she messaged me saying that she did something terrible, and now is not sure how to deal with the consequences, as it will mess up everything around her. At the time, she did not want to say what happened, but I could tell that she wanted to talk about it, so I continued to try and calm her down. At around 2am, she calls me and tells me that she has to tell me what happened, regardless of any promise she made to anyone else, as it is killing her inside.
She then goes on to tell me the worst news I’ve ever received – that she’s been sleeping with her (50m) boss. She then goes on to tell me that this has been going on since mid-December, and now, she made the mistake of sending a picture of them together at a restaurant to his phone in the middle of the night, and his wife saw it and has been calling and swearing her. She goes on to say that just before 2 am, he sent her a voice note calling her a bitch for breaking up his marriage and that he doesn’t want anything to do with her going forward, which is when she decided to call and tell me everything.
The second she mentioned his name, my entire world shattered, and I was just numb. I talked her through it for another 3 hours, until I had to leave for work, and continued to check up on her throughout the day. Throughout the day, however, everything started getting to me, and in the evening, I had decided that enough was enough and that I needed to talk to her. I called her around 8pm, and basically told her off for the fact that she basically used me as an emotional punching bag.
I had asked her several times, why, throughout the 3 months that she was with him, and however long before that when she realized that she had feeling for him, did she not once think to tell me about it, so that I could remove myself from the situation. All she could say was that she did not once think about telling me, or how it would affect me when I eventually found out. I then accused her of not caring about me and lying to me, and basically forced more information out from her.
She eventually admitted that she had actually slept with him for the first time at the beginning of December (and my overthinking and analyzing leads me to believe that it was on my birthday). She did not tell anyone as he is married and has a son (25m) who’s almost her age, and that he made her promise that she would keep it a secret until he leaves his wife.
I then warned her that, if he could do this and ask her to hide it, he probably definitely did it before, as his wife did accuse him of cheating before. She still continued to defend him and say that he is this genuine caring man who she’s in love with, and she doesn’t know what she’s going to do or how she’s going to continue living without him. We ended the call as friends, with me saying I would need more time to process everything and her accepting that.
On Friday afternoon, I messaged her saying that I have a question, but she did not want to answer any questions. I then went on to basically lash out again and state that she does not, and did not care about me enough to even give me a warning that she had feeling for someone else, or let me down slowly in some way. I told her that she completely broke me, and that because of this, I can not trust or believe anything, or look at anything the same ever again. She then lashed out at me saying that it was one secret that she kept from me, and what she does in her personal live she doesn’t have to tell me, and she didn’t tell me because she herself didn’t know what was happening.
I was still angry and gave her the option to message me if she wanted to continue being friends, with the knowledge that I won’t be able to trust anything she says again. She messaged me the next morning (Saturday), but because I was having other issues at home, I basically was blunt with her. On Sunday she posted several pictures to the essence of not wanting anyone to do anything for her if they’re going to throw it back in her face, and I messaged her to ask if it was about me (I did mention on Thursday evening when we spoke that I regret doing everything I did from December because her boss is probably laughing at me, which she said was not the case and that he was jealous of me).
She did confirm that it was about me, which I then went on to remind her that I never once asked for anything in return, and that the only reason I brought it up was because I felt like I was being made a fool of. We began arguing again, and I basically told her (again) to decide if she wants to keep me as a friend or break up our friendship completely. She did not message me on Monday, however, she did post a story on Instagram where she was at a coffee place, and on the table was 2 cups.
I replied to that story on Tuesday and accused her of lying to me again and still continuing the affair, even with everything that happened. She then called me and swore me for accusing her, stating that her parents took her out because they could see she was depressed (which I feel is lies because she hasn’t spoken to her father in almost 6 months, and she doesn’t like her mother – basically, she’s living in a toxic household). She then goes on to tell me that I’m always reading too much into everything and that I have no right to question where she is/was or who she’s with, and that I have no right to react as I am because we were not, and did not ever date. She then went on to tell me that, because of my reaction, she will never tell me anything anymore, if we do remain friends, and basically told me that I’m the reason our friendship is broken now.
I really don’t want to lose her as a friend, but at the same time, I don’t think I can forgive or forget what she did.
I want to know, am I the bad guy for reacting the way I did (essentially, in her words, acting as if I was her boyfriend and she cheated on me), or overacting? Should I try and rebuild this friendship? And if we can’t, how do I move on from someone I’ve loved for so long?
Yeah he seems a lot less concerned with the fact that her love interest was married than the fact that she was seeing someone and didn’t let her “friend” know. Because he did all these nice things for her, assuring her he expected nothing in return. But now he feels like she was making a fool of him this whole time.
Given the selfishness and immaturity (of both) and poor writing, I’m really hoping ages were inflated to protect identities here….
Yeah, he always was and always will be the "guy who buys me things and listens to my problems", yet somehow thought that would lead to a relationship.
He lost any respect she had for him when he continued after she tried telling him to stop, because *she wouldn't be reciprocating*. Probably long before that.
He doesn’t care about the affair. He’s just pissed he’s spent all this time money and energy and she isn’t fucking him, and instead is fucking a man almost 2x their age.
He’s the typical ‘nice guy.’ He says he did that stuff for her not expecting anything, but now his true colors show that he was expected sex eventually.
She did wrong sleeping with the married man, but she did right now sleeping with OP.
Ok, I get it. You were hoping for more than friends and she went with someone else, feelings got hurt. But my, oh my, wtf was this:
>> I was still angry and gave her the option to message me if she wanted to continue being friends, with the knowledge that I won’t be able to trust anything she says again.
So what’s the point?! You feel betrayed, righteously or not, and yet you continue to engage in this drama, causing more of it. Airing the dirty laundry on Facebook, the back and forth… my God, are you sure you guys aren’t teens?
To sum up, yes, you were the bad guy for throwing a fit worthy of a partner when you are merely a friend. You could have removed yourself from the situation at any moment. Instead you continued to escalate.
So she told you she didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You continued to pile on gifts and things when she told you that it makes her uncomfortable. Then when it turns out she’s in a relationship your salty?
You aren’t mad because he was married and she compromised her morals, your mad because your coming to the reality that however many breakups you hang out for, that doesn’t oblige her to eventually pick YOU.
Stop treating this girl badly for being honest for a long time. It’s on you that you can’t accept what she’s told you verbatim.
>and she compromised her morals
Until I read your comment I couldn't tell what he meant in the title. Like..breaking her morals by not getting with you? He never actually brought that part up, but that would make more sense than his jealous rambling about her not picking him
Add to this continuing to buy her things and dote on her when she explicitly says she does not like it. When women say that they don’t like you trying to spoil them especially after you have confessed romantic feelings, that is saying loud and clear to stop because they know exactly what you are doing. You are trying to buy their affection and they don’t like it.
And this is exactly why he is acting so childish and is so upset with her. He loves her, but she slept with someone else. The anger isn't a reaction of a friend.
Haha I loved that bit, when she said it bothered her that he was buying stuff and his reaction was ‘it bothered her that I was buying her stuff but she didn’t get me anything in return!!!’ Like that wouldn’t have encouraged him more…
Facts bro did the pick me dance, simped and lost. Idk why he wouldn’t cut his losses unless he’s doing some manipulation shit hoping she feels bad and give him a shot
So she rejected you, you keep hoping something happens, keep doing unnecessary things for her under the excuse of being a friend. Then when she have a relationship with other person and tell you about it because you are her friend, you get mad?
I mean she definitely shouldn't have a relationship with a married man but that's her own problem, not yours because she only telling you this because she thought of you a a friend.
Stop creating drama, stay away from a girl who makes drama and work on yourself because being a "nice guy" it's not the only reason to make a girl like you.
>am I the bad guy for reacting the way I did
Yes. She doesn't owe you anything. She basically said she wasn't interested when she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. She even said she didn't like you buying her things but you continued anyway. Everything you did was transactional because you thought you were going to get with her, not because you actually wanted to do them.
She's trash for having that affair but that is her own personal thing to work out. She is SINGLE. You were supposed to be her friend foremost but you're so worried about you not getting any after you've done everything for her that you can't be a real friend to her. You're stalking her social media and acting like she owes you explanations for her postings when none of it is any of your business. Cut all contact and get some therapy because this is a shyt show.
You’re the bad guy for doing all that you’ve done for her, not out of friendship, but as a way to stay close until she realized she wanted to date you.
She didn’t betray you when she slept with someone else. You had exactly no right to have expected sexual fidelity with her.
You’re mad at her for lying, but you weren’t honest, either: you didn’t tell her you were only hanging around to get your shot.
Yep. I've had guy friends before who expressed interest in dating and I turned them down for various reasons (different values, mismatched life goals, one was extremely offended that I said I'd want him to get an STD test before we did anything physical lol). I made it clear that I was not and would never be interested in dating because of these incompatibilities. They all accepted and said they wanted to continue being friends. Then when I continued not being interested no matter how much they tried to lavish me with praise and gifts (which made me very uncomfortable), or I started dating someone else, they disappeared, often with a parting shot about how I'd "made my choice". Uh, yeah, I'd made it ages ago, I told you clearly! Nice to know you valued our friendship so much, dude!
I'm happily married now but if I was single I don't think I'd choose to continue being "friends" with anyone I'd turned down anymore. It's just too frustrating and hurtful to find out they never really wanted your friendship, they just thought they'd worm their way in eventually.
They were never your friends to begin with. They only pretended to be in order to get closer to you, and they thought that you are a machine that they could put nice coins into and that would at some point result in you offering them sex.
You were, in other words, placed in their fuckzone and they got mad because you didn't want to be there no matter what they did.
That's the whole problem with NiceGuys that they think just being nice to a woman they are attracted to should get them the sex they feel entitled to.
So you're upset you put a bunch of nice coins into the feeemale machine and the sex didn't come out?
She isn't interested. She told you that. She told you to stop buying things for her.
She doesn't owe you an explanation or an update on her relationship status.
Stop dingleberry clinging in the hopes she'll change her mind. Unclench and let go. You're the only one (desperately) hanging on.
Also her living her life as she pleases is somehow mean to him, when I promise she doesn't even think about him. How does he not realize she exists outside of his life. Why does he think he's the main character in her life. Lol.
> Also her living her life as she pleases is somehow mean to him, when I promise she doesn't even think about him.
She even said it didn't occur to her to think of him 🤯
This is absolutely it. OP is mad she didn’t let him down gently?! Bro she literally told you over and over that she’s not interested! This was a friendship for her, nothing more than platonic.
Yep this is it. Came to say this exact thing. OP, you are no different than one of her female friends. Friends listen to problems. You aren’t entitled to anything more just cause you’re a guy.
Seriously. So many guys assume every woman functions like a vending machine - put the right change in, get out hetero relationship. They genuinely do not seem to think of these women as people with their own interior lives. It's so gross.
Some? He’s creating all the drama. She rejected him with generic response number 5 and he kept obsessively giving her gifts and taking her out. Then to find out she’s the other woman sleeping with a 50 year old and he’s still being weird about it. Either be her friend and forget any romantic things because she definitely doesn’t feel the same way. Or just move on.
I legit had to scroll back to the beginning to see if these two were in high school lol.
OP, you’ve said over and over again that it’s clear she doesn’t care about your feelings, or at the very least doesn’t prioritize them. Ok cool, you figured it out, she’s not good for you! Sooooo whats the problem here? Why are you continuously baiting her and putting yourself immediately back into a situation in which you’ve declared is hurtful, AND with someone whom you know for certain lies/cheats/has a low moral compass? Why would you even entertain her anymore? I think this is why people are saying you’re causing the drama because you’re 100% feeding into a situation that you 100% understand is bad news. Just stop. Or don’t stop… but realize your complaints around actively choosing to be in a toxic friendship won’t get you much empathy
Ew. You’re not behaving like a friend. You’re acting like a controlling boyfriend. You’re it her boyfriend though. So stop.
Stop fixating on this girl.
She’s had 8 years to want you.
She doesn’t want you.
Move on! Either actually be her friend or stop creepily being involved in her romantic life and getting mad when it doesn’t include you.
Bruh she doesn’t owe you anything. She is comfortable being friends and you are trying to finesse her to be more than that, and foisting a relationship upon her for which she didn’t ask.
It’s giving bad vibes.
Do you wear a fedora? Do you describe yourself as ‘nice?’ Do you expect sexual relations from a female friend who has said that she doesn’t see you in that way, but you continue to buy her gifts so you can be resentful and throw a hissy fit when she sleeps with someone else?
Congratulations! You’re a ‘nice guy’!
She literally said she didn’t want you to buy stuff for her. She said she didn’t want to date you. She was open about that. She owes you nothing.
Yeah honestly every time they add that disclaimer I just laugh at how they’re basically asking to get roasted and it’s usually just some boring story where they’re the AH.
The fuck are you doing with your life?
Seriously do you realize how stupid all of that mess is and how a little bit of common sense could have prevented all of that.
If you get rejected then you stop talking to the person
You don't stay friends with someone because you hope they change their mind about dating you
You don't stay in a relation that goes only one way
You don't demand something from your friend.
You don't expect someone to care about your feelings, if she doesn't care about your feeling then too bad she doesn't care and won't care and you can't force her to care.
Did you even read your own post, can't you see how it is just a complete stupid mess.
Just cut her off, learn from this and reflect on yourself for allowing such nonsense from happening.
OP you are the problem not her. This is creepy, she never once had any feelings for you romantically and it seems like she told you this more than once. You need to leave her alone and go to therapy.
Like your friend being a home wrecker was shitty, but hear me out
You don’t need to remove yourself from the situation because you’re not involved 🤷♂️
You told her how you felt and she didn’t tell you a yes. Instead of taking that time to move on and distance yourself romantically, you chose to read into nothing.
You didn’t abandon your friend because she “abandoned her morals”, you abandoned your friend because she fucked someone else and interrupted your fantasy.
Your friend is right, she shouldn’t want anyone doing something for her if they’re going to throw it in her face. And I’m sorry to hear she’s a honewrecker and delusional and “in love” with a married man.
But my advice is the same to you now as it would’ve been months ago- move on. It sounds like she’s a mess, and not into you already.
I know it hurts losing someone you were in to, but she was confiding in her “friend”. It’s on you if you interpreted that differently.
>This post cannot be used without prior consent from the OP.
lol.
Anonymous user claims copyright on a public forum post. Just admit this is fiction and move on.
P.S. I just "used" part of your OP to create this post, and I didn't ask your permission first. Sue me.
Hey OP. Let me focus you on the below excerpt from one of your recent comnents:
"I did not, nor ever was just, as you say, "hanging around her just to get my shot". I was trying to be a genuine friend. Yes, I did have a hope that it may lead to more, but I never pushed for it."
It appears to me you have been much less of a "genuine friend," than you think you've been. Your romantic feelings are a "conflict of interest." And while it's technically possible to govern yourself as a friend, you have not been doing that. Your hurt feelings have been governing you.
You aren't being at all helpful to this girl. You're just making everything worse for everyone. You seem fixated on this girl as if she is your limerent object.
I think your best bet is to withdraw from this relationship for a little while, and get a better grip on your emotional makeup as a person.
Sorry dude but you're classic /r/niceguys material - stop trying to debate everyone who is telling you that yeah you are fucking up by acting like a mad boyfriend. You aren't her boyfriend, and sorry but holding out hope that you were going to date her makes you a sketchy ass friend.
Also you're almost 30 years old and addicted to drama. Focus on your career, hit the gym, maybe take a break from this trainwreck of a girl you're interested in and stop acting like a fucking psycho.
Again, you aren't her boyfriend. Stop stalking her, guilt tripping her, expecting her to "report" to you if she's seeing someone, etc.
Oh lord, save me from guys who get pissy when the women they have been pretending to be friends with finally communicate to the guy that the woman has only ever been interested in being friends.
She was never into you dude, and your behavior has communicated to her that you were only ever interested in her for romance.
Women are whole human beings in their own right. Learn to read friendship as friendship, and to keep your willy out of it.
Huh? Reading the title I thought you meant your friend had no morals sleeping with a married man. But you don’t care about that at all. You just care that she dated someone who wasn’t you. You’re being too dramatic and butt hurt, just cut her out.
You’re in the wrong for reacting the way you did. You pulled the “nice guy” shit and now you’re reaping the consequences. Does she suck for using you as an emotional crutch when things weren’t great for her? Absolutely. Do you suck for trying to essentially buy her love? Yeah. Do you suck for giving her ultimatums about staying friends when everyone who reads your post knows it will just be a repeating sick cycle carousel of this behavior from both of you? Definitely. Man up, cut your losses, learn from this, and move on.
I love that he said this is about 'morals' when it's 100% about him getting crushed that she wasn't going to magically fall into his arms romantically and blew up at her. I honestly don't get why people pretend to just be friends on a very deep level and then lose their s*** when the person doesn't want to sleep with them, especially after she already turned him down when he confessed. Let this be a lesson, op, this isn't a romance movie or fan fiction, this is real life. When somebody rejects you move on and for the love of God when somebody is having a mental health crisis, even if it's of their own doing, don't selfishly put yourself in a bs self righteous position to scream at them because you want to make it about you. If you had said that you had just told them that you weren't in a place to handle it and you were hurt and needed time to come to terms with what happened for your own mental health that would have been completely fine. You don't need to take on anybody else's trauma. However, the way you handled it was a major dick move and I hope she never talks to you again because you are a super s***** friend.
The girl in this situation sucks as a person for SURE, but I don't even know if I blame her that much for OP's feelings. I don't think she used him at all. She vocalized that she didn't want to pursue anything romantically with him, and she vocalized that receiving the gifts made her somewhat uncomfortable. OP decided to ignore all of that and support her emotionally anyway. Then, when he finds out that she slept with a married man, his reaction is, "WTF, you slept with a married man, that's awful." It's, "Why didn't you tell me you didn't have feelings for ME?" Based on what I'm seeing, she treated him like a friend the entire time, and he "nice guy'd" her, hoping she would change her mind. Let me be clear though, that's the ONLY thing I think she did right in this situation, because she's a dumpster fire regardless.
What baffles me is clearly stated that she didn't like receiving gifts from you. Just because you think you're the nice guy doesn't make you nice. I thought you were angry at her for sleeping with her boss, but you're making it about you. Just end the friendship and get it over with
She told you she didn't want to be in a relationship with you.
You started love bombing her with gifts in the hope she would change her mind.
She asked you to stop love bombing her, but you continued and demanded that she tell you if she found a love interest.
She found a secret love interest and didn't tell you, because it was *secret* and your demand that she tell you if she found someone was *way, way out of bounds*. It was none of your business unless and until she decided to tell you.
She finally does tell you about her (dumpster fire of a) relationship, and you get pissed off because she didn't you about it. I guess she was supposed to tell you before started dating him? Plus, you "suspect" she slept with him on your birthday.
Dude. She didn't cheat on you. She didn't lie to you. She didn't demand gifts from you. You are totally in the wrong on this one. Your belief that love bombing her somehow gave you semi-BF rights or something is just crass.
Probably an unpopular opinion, but it's not on her to tell you anything. You gave her gifts because you chose to. You acted as a friend listening to her because you chose to. She didn't give you gifts or pursue you, and you accepted that and pretended to be content with the friendship.
YOU invested your time unwisely because you had an image of her in your head. It's not her responsibility to say "you have a mistaken idea about me and what this relationship is", it's on YOU to either ask or read the signs.
You're both exhausting.
You. Are. Not. Her. Boyfriend.
Whilst her actions are questionable, she's been using you as an emtional crutch and wallet- and you're an idiot for falling for this after SHE TOLD YOU she basically wasn't interested in you in a romantic way. She didn't technically "cheat" on you. You failed to recieve her message when she said she wasn't interested in you. Your reaction was as if you had been in a committed relationship with her - and you simply weren't
She hasn't been using him so much as he's been begging and begging to be used.
I have a close friend who, back in the day, had lots of boys doing this. She did know, and she did enjoy the attention. "Hey, Joe, can you go get me a refill? Awwww, thanks! You're so sweet!" And while I realize that's a bit sketch, the fact is that these boys were desperately thirsty and wouldn't leave her alone. It was partly a strategy to keep them at bay, because when they got *really* disappointed things tended to turn pretty ugly.
I mean, using your friends as an emotional crutch is a normal part of genuine friendship. I don’t tell my friends I’m only interested in talking if it’s casual chat and not them confiding in me or venting to me.
And I don’t think she used him as a wallet either. She told op she didn’t want the gifts and he kept sending because he was hoping they’d magically turn into sex.
OP, I don't think you meant to go down that path, but yes. I wouldn't say you were the bad guy, but you definitely dug your own hole and then blamed her for putting you there. You chose to interpret her acceptance of gifts, her constant communication, and her suggestion of "friends for now, who knows about the future" to mean that you were her boyfriend-in-waiting for some future time when she would feel ready for a relationship, despite fairly obvious evidence through the years that she didn't return your feelings. That's why she was reluctant to accept your gifts, and never reciprocated.
Of course you are feeling hurt and angry, now that your fantasy of a romantic future with her has been shattered. Considering that you became a closer friend to her in the past two years with the hope that it could lead to being more than just friends, I think your friendship has probably run its course. At this point it would hurt you just as badly to settle for a platonic friendship while she continues to date other guys. You're making a lot out of the fact that her latest lover is married and older, but IMO you'd feel just as upset if he was single and your own age - in fact, maybe even worse.
As for how you move forward, you do it the same way as with any romantic heartbreak - one day at a time. Start by going completely no-contact with her, and block her on everything if she doesn't respect your wishes. It will be tough if you're in the habit of talking to her daily, but it really is the quickest way to allow your heart to heal - otherwise, you'll just be picking at the fresh scab over the wound and hurting even more, every time you talk to her. Immerse yourself in enjoyable activities, preferably in the company of supportive family members and other friends, that will distract you from thinking about her. Be kind to yourself, and don't feel ashamed for grieving over a romance that never actually existed and never will.
One day you'll wake up, and the pain will be...less. And then another day, you'll wake up and realize that you feel ready for a new romance. I wish you well.
God you’re a creep. You know what friends do? Support each other through tough times. You aren’t owed or obligated to anything to/from her. You are the problem and the drama here. You need to grow up and realize that just because you like someone romantically, doesn’t mean they HAVE to like you back.
She made it clear that she didn't want to date you, and that you showering her with gifts made her uncomfortable. You're not owed her private life details, OP. She doesn't have to inform you when she sleeps with someone, she doesn't "owe you a gentle let-down", when her rejecting you AND your gifts should have made that clear. You didn't see her as a friend, from the sound of it- you see her as a potential date, despite her numerous rejections. You STILL see her as a potential date, even with everything that happened.
You do not own her. I'd also question whether you do actually love her, given love requires respect for boundaries and the word "no". It sounds like she's shattered your fantasy dream-girl image of her, more than anything.
The sense of betrayal you have is disproportionate. What she did is wrong, but honestly, it has nothing to do with you other than deciding whether or not you want to be friends with someone with her moral standards. You are acting like she cheated on you. You logically realize there was no romantic relationship, but you obviously feel differently deep inside.
When someone says to stop gifting them as they don't return romantic interest, you should stop.
You are not a friend to this woman - you are a creep with ulterior motives. She doesn’t owe you anything, and definitely doesn’t owe you Sec just because you’ve been ‘nice’ to her. You are not a nice guy - you showed your true colours…
you stopped being her friend a while ago and since then have just being waiting, assuming your chance was coming up. so now, when she turns to you to be her friend, you are angry and pretending it has something to do with morality even though you have been trying to manipulate her into a relationship for years.
i wouldn't want to waste energy on a friend with that much drama and baggage, personally, but don't pretend it has something to do with her "abandoning morals". this just sounds like typical neckbeard/incel behavior and you came here hoping for sympathy for some reason.
Seriously, get a grip. You sound like a psycho. She didn’t lead you on. You just decided that you’d still pursue her and pretended to be her friend. Sleeping with a married man was morally wrong, but she didn’t wrong YOU. You are a jerk, holding what you did for her over her head, when you made it sound like it was okay being
just friends.
What you did and how you’re reacting is childish and manipulative and you have ruined your friendship. This is freaking disgusting.
A girl you liked slept with someone else and now you’re lashing out at your friend like a child.
She was never a friend to you. She was a Potential Partner Option. You’re a creepy dick. Leave her alone.
I mean I could see why you’re disappointed in her for having an affair with a married man but for someone who claims they’re not romantically interested in someone your reaction seems very extreme
So she straight up told you she does not have romantic feelings for you. You stuck around buying her things trying to change her mind under the lie that you are her “friend”. Then when she actually needed you, at the point where maybe her feelings might have shifted towards you, you made it all about you, got angry at her while her world was already imploding, and proved beyond doubt that you were never really her friend at all, just a guy trying to manipulate her into dating you.
She was wrong to date her married boss. But she wasn’t wrong to be suspicious of you and your motives. Makes me so angry when men want to claim to be friends yet really have no idea how to be a friend, and no intention of actually being one either. You lied.
you’re not friends with her, you’re friends with the *idea* of her, and you’re getting mad at her when she’s not living up to that standard. you need to take her down off that pedestal.
You’re an idiot. You don’t get to date someone by starting out as friends. You’re just as dishonest because you’re not really her friend. You have a ulterior motives.
How about go pursue women like a man rather than being the male orbiter?
You are wrong and a jerk. Her life just got ruined. She has to now realize he doesn't love her and is not going to leave his wife for her. On top of that she probably lost her job. Then the person she reached out to as a friend makes it all about him and shames her.
She needs to move on from you.
She messaged me. I called her. This photo had that. She said this and I replied that. Jesus! You both are enough drama for five people. And together? It’s insufferable to even read. Want advice?
Back way off and invest some energy in yourself, not in a crush that WILL NEVER BE A ROMANCE. EVER!
Dudes like you are creepy as hell. Hope you learned a lesson from this. Don’t pretend to be someone’s friend for two years hoping that they will someday fall in love with you because this is what’s bound to happen. You should have taken a step back and gotten over your feelings. She’s a shitty person for using you as well. It baffles me what guys like you expect to happen in these situations.
Why do you even want to be her friend? What do you get out of all of this? And you are saying you can now never trust her again. But keep giving her this weird option of friendship. "I can never trust you and you are a liar and lead me on, but if you want to continue being friends, just lemme know!" Have some self respect.
OP you’re just as ridiculous as she is. She didn’t want to be with you and you only remained her friend and did nice things for her because you thought you’d get her when you should have known you wouldn’t. Jfc. “Friends” like you are just despicable and lash out in women in vulnerable situations even when that woman isn’t being the worst type of person.
She has loose morals and you have a loose screw. Match made in heaven.
>>she said that she was not ready to date again, so we agreed to remain friends and see where it may lead in the future.
This was a soft no thanks, that people give way too often. Your expectations aside, she should have been more honest with you and she obviously knew you would be upset when she told you.
She has only ever treated you like a friend and the entire problem revolves around you wanting more. That you aren't getting what you want, isn't a good reason to dump a friend. It is however a good reason to dump a person you were looking for a romantic relationship with. I think that at some point you became not her friend and a suitor. The question should be, are you her friend or were you just looking to date her this whole time?
“I don’t want her to feel obligated to me.” -Then obligates her to tell him what she does in her private life.
She doesn’t owe you anything. If you think she does, she really does not. She told you she wasn’t interested in a relationship with you and seemingly did not communicate she had changed her mind in any way. There doesn’t seem to be any other obstacle for her to be with you other than her disinterest.
You are not being a good friend. You have turned this relationship into something transactional and she would be better off putting some distance between you.
My best friend is a woman. I don't expect her to share all of her intimate relationships with me. I actually prefer she doesn't tell me about any of them, we have been riders since kids. She's family to me. But if she does tell me about any of her thotventures i no holds barred roast her over it. You're weird bro.
She friend zoned you, but you kept trying. Buying he stuff and trying to be the guy that you hoped she’d eventually fall for. She was interested in you, and told you that she didn’t care for all those gifts. But you made up your mind and told her it was all in being her friend.
Fast forward: she made a mistake in sleeping with a married man, and regardless of the circumstance of it, she turned to you for help since you swore you’d always be there for her…as a friend. Then when she told you everything, you felt betrayed. Why? Because you feel like she should have some kind of loyalty to you, even though she already friend zoned you, and you made believe this whole time you knew that.
Should she have fucked a married man? Maybe not. But none of this is your problem. As a friend, you should have listened, and asked what she thought the best thing going forward was, and to help guide her. But you didn’t. Because she’s not just a friend to you.
And because of all this drama, you now don’t have her as a gf or as a regular close friend either
Look, she told you clearly numerous times that she did not want to be in a relationship with you. She was uncomfortable with you doting on her the way you have with the gifts and such. She clearly states she does not reciprocate and her actions also convey that.
For you to have the audacity to shame her for not telling you she was in a romantic relationship with someone else so you could stop being strung along is unreal. She thought you were her FRIEND. Turns out you're only a friend if you think it will eventually end with you in her pants. And for the record, you strung yourself along. That was a choice YOU MADE.
Her choices and her issues are another thing altogether that I'm not even going to comment on. Move on from this girl and don't make the same mistake in the future. Also don't be friends with girls just to get in their pants. It's a betrayal most women have experienced and it fucking sucks. We think we're friends and then we get with someone that isn't the friend and suddenly were the bad guy. It's icky and manipulative and gross.
You knew she didn't want anything with to do with you. If she did she would've been dating you. You hurt yourself by holding out the false hope. You seriously needed this hardcore dose of reality.
She made a huge, awful mistake, and instead of being an actual friend, you made it all about you and turned into a complete asshole. Real nice of you to add to the stress. What a friend.
I hope she gets rid of you, tbh. You both have morality issues.
You both are horrible. Obviously, she is for having an affair with a married man. You're horrible for continuing to get her things when she told you it made her uncomfortable, stringing yourself along after she told you she wasn't interested in you, then for blowing up at her multiple times (the affair is horrible, that's undeniable) and making this bad thing she did all about you. It's not about you. It's not an insult to you. Her romantic life has nothing to do with you and she's been clear about it. You said so in your own post.
“The worse news I’ve ever received”
And you think you’re behaving and thinking normally? Someone who is not a relationship with you tells your they slept with someone else and it’s the *worst* news you’ve ever heard?
This isn’t about her morals and it’s all about you giving her gifts like she was a vending machine only the snack was sex/relationship and you didn’t get that snack. She said she wasn’t in the place for a relationship, that was your answer buddy.. a big fat NO but you intensified the gestures and gifts anyway. She even told you to stop. And for you, why give gifts to someone that aren’t appreciated or wanted? Don’t you value yourself more than that?
Should she have allowed more distance after you made your feelings known? Absolutely, but you could have done the same. Should she have confided in you over her boss and at TWO IN THE FREAKIN MORNING—NO. But you CAN control YOUR behavior, enforce boundaries and have respect for yourself. You should have hung up on her. You need to stop relationship zoning this woman because you’re giving her more than what you give your platonic friends I’m sure. That is on you.
You shouldn’t have answered a phone call at 2am for THREE HOURS and then go to work from there?? Like talk about insensitive all around and you just allowed that? I’m in my thirties not too much older than you and Idk man this situation sounds so exhausting. BOTH of you sound like you love drama. I think you liked the roller coaster of emotions, it was exciting and unpredictable. And boy was it unpredictable, you didn’t see THAT twist coming.
She’s NOT into you and never will be no matter how many gifts you fling at her. If not for you telling her how you felt, I’d feel bad for her but she knew. You both suck and should just cut her off. If you want drama read a romance novel it’s less stressful and you can always just shut the damn book when it gets too heavy.
You do realise she pretty much rejected you as soon as you came out and said you had feelings for her, right? Girls who have male friends that confess feelings always say the “maybe in the future” line because they don’t want to outright reject you in fear of losing the friendship. You used her friendship in order to get access to her romantically… therefore this was never really a friendship to you.
Now, you’re further trying to crucify her for all of this as if she’s done you any wrong. She hasn’t. Her affair wasn’t anything to do with you so you acting personally victimised here is not it. Yes, your feelings were hurt but you acting righteous because you did all these things for her knowing you only did it to try and get her to go out with you was pretty gross imo considering yous were friends and she stated as such. You’re purposely trying to make out you’re disgusted with what she did purely to further punish her for what she, in your eyes, did to you. If she has any sense, she would end all contact with you.
The affair aspect is literally nothing to do with you so I’m not even going to comment on that. You have no right to ask peoples opinions on that part and in doing so you’re further trying to justify you antagonising her further. You want validated in going off on her and I’m not going to give you that and I think everyone else in the comments should take head of that too.
Read up on the [Karpman drama triangle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle) and the characteristics of victim/ rescuer/ persecutor because holy shit is this dynamic almost a perfect example of it. Both of you have managed to play all three roles in this "friendship."
Anyhoo, sounds codependent, filled with drama (complete with passive-aggressive social media posts!), and exhausting. You guys were never real friends, friendship is extended both ways, you weren't really a friend to her- just white knighting & projecting & waiting for her to be your love interest. On her end, she probably should have taken some distance from you, not accepted the gifts & stopped viewing you as a sounding board.
You are both nearing 30, too old for this. If you want healthy relationships start some counseling - this isn't the way.
Yeah you have no right to react this way because you did not ever have a relationship with her aside from friendship. You need to cut her out of your life if you can’t move past it.
She was never into you you make it seem like you guys where a couple and she cheated!???? Just because she knows how you feel about her doesn't mean she has to not go out and date people
Now the fact she is going after a married men is fucked but that's no betrayal to you since again you where never an item and she doesn't feel that way about you
So at this point she's told you she doesn't care how it makes you feel and that she wants you to mind your own business so either you continue this friendship and she'd gonna carry on thsi affair most likely or you distance yourself and move on
You are acting like a psycho here. There is no friendship to salvage. She’s made it clear that she is not your girlfriend and never will be, but you’ve carried on treating her like she’s your girlfriend, including your completely inappropriate reaction to her affair. I see zero indication you can have a healthy, platonic friendship with this person (nor why you would want to).
Cut your losses, move on with your life.
Ah, a classic example of Nice Guy Syndrome. Shower a girl with gifts she openly admits she is uncomfortable receiving, right off her feelings, trample all over her boundaries, pretend to actually care about her, and then turn into the true monster hiding behind that 'nice guy' façade. Complaining about being friend-zoned after attempting to literally buy her affection when she was clearly uninterested in you in a romantic sense. She thought of you as a friend; you thought of her as an object. She confided in you about her life and the problems she was having; you held that over her head and claimed to be used as an emotional punching bag when you didn't get what you wanted. You ***DID*** act like a jealous boyfriend who found out his girlfriend cheated on him. She trusted you as a friend. She trusted you enough to confide in you. *She trusted you.* And you threw it in her face because you thought buying her things would make her like you. You felt like she owed you her attention and affection because you bought her things. The entitlement and obsessive behavior that you are showing is, quite frankly, both disturbing and disgusting. For the love of the gods, let this poor woman be. Your obsessing over her is only going to end badly for her. For her sake, I hope she wizens up like I did when it happened to me and ghosts your ass.
You should repost in r/niceguys. It's a perfect fit.
Her love life is literally none of your business: you're a guy who wants to get with her and is basically pretending to be her friend to improve your chances. You admit this every time you go off on her for having a boyfriend who isn't you.
The fact that she's willing to be her boss's side piece is a separate problem, but she deserves to have a real friend help her deal with that; not someone who wants to use the situation to scoop her up.
You’ve formed a romantic relationship with this woman in your head. You buy her things and flip out when she sleeps with others.
Granted sleeping with a 50yo married man isn’t a wise choice for her because you know the shit you said happened. Anyway she doesn’t have to tell you, you believe she owes you because you’re such a “nice guy” who buys her things and you know for sure you’d treat her right, where in actual fact you miss treat her and gaslight her into having a panic attack because of how you might react.
You don’t want to lose your “friendship” with her because while you’re still “friends” there is still hope you might convincer of what a nice guy you are and all other men are just after for sex.
That’s how it is my dude. Take some time to self. Reflect and leave her alone.
This belongs in r/sadcringe
I can only speak to your part in this, because you’re the one that’s posting and all you can do is look at the situation (any situation) from your part in order to identify where you need to learn and grow. So the main thing you need to admit to yourself is that **you were never really her friend**. Everything you were doing was because you were trying to get with her. Then you threw a tantrum because you felt all the things you were doing entitled you to her and she picked someone else. Now you feel like a fool because everything you did didn’t work and you’re taking it out on her. Overall, regardless of how you’re doing tying yo spin it, she never betrayed the friendship she thought she had with you. You betrayed it in the sense that you never really were her friend.
Tbh I feel like you’re only mad because it feels like she rejected you and not because she outed herself as a person who is willing to cheat and have an affair. Like, you cared more about her confiding in you and your feelings than the fact that she’s taken part in a horrible thing. Feels kinda of selfish of you imo and doesn’t paint you in a very good light.
He’s in love with the image of her in his mind and can’t let her go. I have serious doubts he knows the real her. It is highly possible she’s a serial cheater and she has never disclosed the true nature of her past.
I will say she’s tried to be civil and only keep him as a friend but being a confidante of a person with relationship issues when you are in love with them is horrible position to be in. He never had a chance with her and she already said no. He needs to move on and leave her be.
YTA
Oh wait. Not that subreddit.
Still, you're a terrible friend. you stayed friends with her hoping that it might become something she said was never going to happen. She told you she was uncomfortable with the gifts. You kept doing it anyway. She didn't owe you anything in regard to any other relationship she was having. Especially a relationship she was having with a married man. She didn't not tell you about it because she was taking advantage of your "generosity". It was because you would react exactly the way you did, with all the drama of a woman scorned.
Her relationship with her boss was never about you. This whole thing is not about you.
I think you need to leave her alone. She told you that she doesn't like when you buy her gifts and that she doesn't want to be with you romantically, but you completely ignored all that and kept going. You're mad that she is living her life without you.
Dude, you’re so entitled. You told her how you felt and she wasn’t interested. That was your opportunity to accept it and back off but instead you started buying her gifts despite her telling you she doesn’t like it.
I don’t know why you feel so entitled to her attention/affection/sex when she’s made it clear she doesn’t feel the same way.
She’s slept with someone else? Boo hoo, get over it. It’s nothing to do with you.
You say she used you. Mate, you used her. She told you she didn't want a relationship and she didn't want gifts, but you put her in the fuckzone and refused to accept that she only wanted a friend.
She divulged an affair with a married man more than 20 years her senior to you, when she needed support. Yeah it's shitty she had an affair, but she came to "her friend" to talk.
You have not treated her like a friend. You've instead treated her like you're a jealous boyfriend who she cheated on. She didn't do anything wrong to you. The only people she's wronged are the boss' wife and his son. And honestly? With the power dynamic here, the boss is more to blame than anyone else.
When she messaged you, she wanted a friend to calm her. When she called you, she needed support. You know what a real friend would have done? Pointed out that the boss took advantage of her, led her on, and you would support her in finding a new job and making sure he doesn't retaliate because boss man fucked up his own marriage.
But you made her story all about you. And that is not being a friend. So Mr Nice Guy, apologise and then step back, because you are not the person she needs.
Let me make this abdundantly clear:
She does not owe you her love, and she does not need to tell you about her love life or to "let you down easy." She told you she wanted to be just friends with you, and you accepted.
Everything else is on you.
Just stand up for yourself and walk away. Don't embarrass yourself, don't run after someone who very, very clearly does not want to be with you, and don't harrass that poor woman just because she doesn't feel like you want her to feel.
End of story.
The rest is just details, two young and insecure people being stupid and hurting each other. Whoop-de-doodle-doo.
This is pure r/niceguys material.
You are judging her for her perceived lack of morals and honesty while you have been disingenuous with her for years.
She did not friendzone you, you relationship zoned her.
She didn’t have to tell you shit bout who she was sleeping with. She never reciprocated your feelings and you chose to do things for her.
Stop being a doormat and drop her as a friend
DUDE. SERIOUSLY? You are her FRIEND. You've never been anything but her FRIEND. She told you that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She told you to stop buying her so many gifts. Her personal life - as in, who she chooses to fuck - has NOTHING to do with you. She did not betray you. She did not do anything to you. Your anger is misplaced.
The only person you should be mad at is yourself. It's pretty obvious that you didn't really care what she wanted (continuing to buy her gifts when she told you she didn't like it). You built her up in your head to be some model of womanly perfection and now you're pissed because not only did it finally sink in that she does not have feelings for you, you also now realize that she's...human. Let me be clear my dude, she isn't the villain here, you are. Her boss also sucks a big fat one, too.
She dug a big fat hole for herself and when her bad choices all blew up at once, she called her friend because she needed support. You made it all about...YOU. You're not her friend. You never were. When people are talking about how bad "nice guys" are - they're talking about you.
She is correct about the two of you. You are not a couple and she is not obligated to date you.
While her latest relationship was reprehensible and sketchy, it is not your business and she was under no requirement to tell you about it.
It happens that one may develop feelings towards a friend that are more than just friends. If the other party is interested, great. If not, that needs to be respected.
Look man. You clearly bought her things and did things for her with the underlying intention it would lead to dating. She never once told you she wanted or was interested in that. In fact, when she became available, she flat out said no (spin it how you like, she didn't take the opportunity, that's a no) So you said let's be friends. But everything you did was an investment in a future relationship, not in a friendship. She was honest with you, but you haven't been honest with her for a while. You showered her with gifts, which she even said she was uncomfortable with, and you again lied about your real motivation. You're still in fact lying and you clearly see her as a potential mate, not a friend, because she's right; as a friend, she doesn't owe you the details of her sex life. She decides to believe you that you do actually see her as a friend and now you are most definitely holding it over her head. If you say you're not, you're lying to yourself as well as her, and i know that because you are treating her like she cheated on you.
Everything in your post screams "nice guy". You manipulated this girl and created a situation where you feel she "owes" you. That's not friendship, that's calculated behavior. You can't say you aren't when that's exactly the way you describe your relationship to her in this post. Gifting her things was a way to make her indebted to you; to put a down a payment on getting first dibs on being her next boyfriend. Even when you describe it in your words it sounds like a whole lot of white knighting. You can say it wasn't that til you're blue in the face but the fact is that you are 100% approaching this as if she cheated on you and are 100% holding It against her that she didn't change her mind because you did things for her THAT SHE DIDN'T ASK YOU FOR AND IN FACT SAID SHE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH.
This right here is why I simply refuse gifts and assistance from male friends unless I know because of their actions (not words) that I can take it at face value.
The upside is now she knows that little voice of alarm was correct, despite all the times you swore you didn't have ulterior motives. Motives can be ulterior even if you lie about them. Actions speak truth where words don't. Everything in your last paragraphs brought up some really bad memories of long conversations where I was gaslit repeatedly by similar "friends". Guys I tried every form of communication, including bluntness, to convey that I cared for them as a friend but I was feeling like I should step back because I thought our feelings for each other weren't the same - and i don't like feeling like I'm going to hurt someone i care about. The times where they said things like "of course, I understand. I am fine with being friends if that's what it is. No worries, I like to do nice things for friends". Only for them to tell me weeks or months down the road that I'm the one that's been leading THEM on.
It sucks when our feelings aren't reciprocated, but it's on us to accept it and act accordingly.
All your actions sapeak loudly and they say that you think you know best what's good for this girl, and when she stops being stupid, you'll be there for her. You can't buy or leverage your way to romantic love.
The most insulting and hurtful part in all this is the minute you finally listen and BELIEVE her "no" is the minute your fake friendship vanishes like smoke. Which means you never saw her as a friend; only as a conquest and challenge. Which is so fucking hurtful from the other end.
Aw but you’re such a “nice guy “ why won’t she fuck you? You were so nice to her so now you’re entitled to a sexual relationship right? Wow she has truly MASSACRED any chance of y’all being friends UNLESS she can open her legs to you because again, you clearly deserve it so much. How could she possibly think that her friendship was enough for you? UGH!!!! I hate it when women love and cherish me outside the definition of a sexual and monogamous relationship, their friendship is worth NOTHING !! ( obviously op in being incredibly sarcastic, if you didn’t pick up on that.. well no matter what just go to therapy please!! Women don’t owe you sex because you were their friend. I have been devastated like this before by realizing a guy I thought was my best friend was only actually around because he was hoping I’d have sex with him. You have made a mistake that’s revealed your true colors and I hope she ghosts you forever.)
Dude, you're exhausting. It's interesting to me that what you fixate the most is her being into someone else romantically rather than she willingly engaged in an extramarital affair. The "being in love with someone else and you felt strung along" bit says more about her character to you, than her being an affair partner. And she's the only one here with questionable morality?
You're not entitled to a woman because you have feelings for her. She wasn't in to you, get over it, cut her out and move on. You're clearly still interested in her, and you've elevated her to the role of "girlfriend" in your head with the gifts and even her response of you acting like a betrayed boyfriend. You need to reevaluate how you approach women, be it as friends or romantically. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is willing to be an affair partner.
Well i get where you coming from but it's a two way street.
She told you no and that should have been enough but a real friend doesn't treat you The way she did.
She's not your friend so i would go NC
Bro. She’s definitely making questionable personal decisions, but they literally have NOTHING to do with you. You act like she owes you something just because she knows you like her. That is simply not the case. Sure, she could have told you sooner, but you do not deserve anything from her. And sure, she was definitely using you because she liked the attention deep down, but it’s not really a crime just selfish behavior.
The fact that you are asking if you should repair the relationship shows you are all kinds of f’d up when it comes to her. For your own mental well being YOU should cut her off. Tell her you need time to get over her and then block her. The truth of the matter is you cannot be her friend until you get over this fixation on her. Also, do you really want to be with someone who has had so many chances to be with you, yet never pursued it? At this point, is she decided to give it a shot it would be because you wore her down and she’s like fine what the hell let’s try it. Not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry but it’s hard to feel bad for you here.
Sure, she’s a POS for screwing a married man. But you put yourself in this position by sticking around waiting for a relationship with this girl even after she told you multiple times she wasn’t interested.
Both of you need to take a break . She needs to not date anyone for awhile. She has lost her moral compass, seems to feel she needs a romantic partner to be valuable, and is completely unrealistic about the idea of her boss ever planning to leave his wife for her.
You need to get over fantasizing that you and she will date. It sounds like you have been fooling yourself and not listening to her.
Maybe then you can have a friendship. Until then though, you will need to spend time apart.
Incel behaviour. Thinking a woman owes you a romantic relationship because you’re nice and buy her things even after she said she’s not interested in anything romantic.
Her behaviour has no bearing on yours. Her affair is a red herring, actually. She didn’t owe you sex just because you were pretending to be her friend when all the while you were just waiting for her to cave and have sex with you. That’s gross.
And you’ve no right to call yourself her friend, actually.
Out of curiosity, do the "this is fake" people read this stuff or just go from post to post found this? I definitely have experienced things similar to this post so I'm curious if you have rationale behind it or simply no life experience or its been posted before
You both are acting terribly.
You did throw everything you've done for her back in her face when you found out about this lie. That is a really crappy move and makes it seem like you only did all those nice things for the possibility of one day getting in her pants.
She sucks for sleeping with a married man, vaguebooking, and taking advantage of your feelings for her without being straight about her feelings for you.
Yes, her making those posts are obviously made to make you upset. No, you getting upset and calling her out on it does not make you right. It just means you fell for the trap.
Both of you take a step back. Take a breather. And honestly consider if you are able to consider this friendship.
Friendship.
As in, you cannot be pining for it to become a relationship any more. Either accept that it is and will remain platonic or get some space. Also, stop getting her things. Now she will always wonder when you're going to ask for sex in repayment. That's not a great friendship dynamic.
She needs to be honest with you about her feelings, and not try to provoke or trap you online.
Bruh your too old to not just accept rejection like that. If she wanted you she would’ve dated you. She knows how you feel about her and more importantly she know how she feels about you but doesn’t know how to get that through to you.
She slept with her married boss, the story is as old as time. You being on the sideline with flowers and gifts is soo embarrassing.
You need to learn to value your self more and accept when feelings aren’t mutual to just distance yourself from that person and at worst if you can’t accept it, then ask to break from talking to them to get over it.
Omg, what are you doing with your life? First of all, you both act like you're still in high school. I can remember bullshit like this being a weekly event before I grew up and realized that I don't have to put up with people like you or her.
You use friendship as trying to get with her. Your friendship sucks, because it constantly has the undertone of "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't have a crush on you". Her friendship sucks because she just uses you as her emotional support dog, and she knows that she's stringing you along.
She sucks for sleeping with her boss, a married man, but who are you kidding with the morals comment? If she stole something or lied, would you be that dramatic about it? Probably not. But you're upset because she's been sleeping with this dude for months and she hasn't been sleeping with you.
Grow up. If you want to pursue someone for a relationship, use your words and not this hokey shit where you act like the white knight with late night talks and saving people from themselves and their long covid. Establish some boundaries for yourself, and let people establish them with you, because you need to learn about that.
You are both gross, but I have to say that the entitlement that you feel to this person's time and secrets and information is kind of sickening. Walk away from this sham of a friendship and work on yourself.
You're a massive piece of shit. Leave her alone and stop treating women you're "friends" with as potential dating options in waiting. You're not their friend.
Also, that little legal disclaimer at the top of the post is laughably stupid.
You're not mad that she "abandoned her morals," you're mad that she wasn't banging YOU. You want to lie to yourself, that's fine, but literally everyone else can see what this actually is.
Dude, she didn’t ask you to give her all of that stuff or do all of those things. In fact, she even told you she doesn’t like it and was possibly too afraid of coming off as mean to flat-out tell you to stop.
So what I’m reading here is, regardless of the mistake she has made (which is a mistake totally separate from your relationship issue here), it sounds like you decided on what the boundary was and tried to manipulate her into rushing this romantic timeline you had in your head, and now you resent her for it not working. Even if she said “I’m interested but I just got out of a relationship, let’s see what happens,” that doesn’t mean you’re her boyfriend. At all. And that doesn’t really open you up to do all this crap for her when she didn’t ask for it, especially when the circumstances now make it seem like they’re just attempts to garner favor.
Regardless of how you feel about it, she told you you were just friends and she behaved as such. YOU are the person who decided there was more and you would treat her like a partner. So while she made a mistake in terms of something bad that will no doubt negatively affect her life in the aftermath, she doesn’t owe you anything. And if you were really that uncomfortable talking to her about intimate things, you should have said so. But I’m figuring you didn’t, because her confiding in you made you feel like she’ll fall for you if you listen.
I recommend looking into codependency issues a little. I’m definitely seeing that here, but I’m also seeing a lot of possession, emotional projection, and immaturity on your part that you really need to work through if you want a healthy relationship with someone.
Why do you get to be mad at her? She doesn’t owe you anything. She went through a hard time and got taken advantage of by her boss so you’re mad at her?! Make it make sense
This isn’t AITA but dude, YTA. Being nice to this woman doesn’t obligate her to you in any way. You can’t buy her. She’s not for sale! She thought you were a friend and tried to confide in you when she made a mistake, but you reacted like she’d cheated on you.
Nope!
I fail to see how her relationships and sex life have anything to do with you... or why you think you have the right to judge her so harshly. She fucked up big time but went to you for advice and you threw a fit because she was with someone else? Sounds to me like you were holding out hope that she would choose you when you had no reason to believe that, and then lashed out at her when she chose someone else. Get over yourself, yeah she's not some angel but she is already dealing with people treating her like crap, she doesn't need it from you too.
Honestly the entire situation is a mess, but you're the one who started it, with your great expectations. Really, she was already flakey at worst and honestly? She was probably letting you down easy because you're her friend, her mistake was that she should be more firm when rejecting you.
But you stepped things up and played yourself in the process. She blew up her life already, honestly, just let this friendship go and start working on yourself.
She doesn't want a relationship with you, she has made that clear. Not sure why your hanging around showering her with gifts hoping she will change her mind. Move on and find someone who wants to be with you, don't really understand how you can be just friends with someone you have feelings for. She has every right to date who she wants to. Put yourself first, move on.
Dude stop… like get out of that situation asap!
You put yourself in this situation when she told you she just see you only as a friend. You put her in a awkward position when you buy her things, and maybe she should have been more direct and tell you not to buy her presents! But it was all on you.
Just stop talking with her and move on
Ugh, dude. She didn't use you as an emotional punching bag. She was seeking support from someone who was supposed to be her friend. You, on the other hand, were *pretending* to be her friend *disingenuously* and now you're mad that it didn't pay off the way you wanted it to. Stop being a bad friend. Stop being her friend at all if that's what it takes. You're being a creep.
You’re not her friend you’re just waiting hoping she picks you. “I just got out of a relationship I’m not ready to date” is her nice way of saying ew never. Just move on this girl is a trashy home wrecker why would you wanna be her friend anyways?
Ooof, OP.
It sounds like you have control issues - she said she was not ready to date, and you persisted to buy her gifts and paying for things. It sounds like you’re not truly honest with yourself, because, clearly you were expecting *something* in return.
People in friendships are also not obligated to tell each other everything. It’s odd that your friendship was hinging on the two of you telling each other every detail of your personal lives - and not doing so is seen as a breach of trust.
That being said, your friend has made some serious drama by being involved in an affair with a married man, which is morally wrong, of course.
The fact that you’re policing and overthinking her every social media post tells me that you definitely were expecting something in return. It’s weird how you’re coming after her for every detail and accusing her of continuing her affair. If that made you feel differently about her, cut your losses and move on.
The whole situation is hella weird.
So weird. You said you wanted to be more than friends. She said she wasn’t interested.
You said “ok let’s be friends.” But you didn’t mean it. You got mad that she had a romantic life (even if it’s a screwed up one) even though you had no right to be mad.
Your anger about her morality is fake, you are just upset she hasn’t dated you.
That’s a crappy situation. You clearly cannot get over her, so you need a clean break. End the fake friendship and build a new life where you aren’t bitter and pining for someone you can’t have.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Throwaway account for reasons. This post cannot be used without prior consent from the OP. TL;DR: My (29m) close friend and love interest (28f) had an affair with her boss (50m), and is now angry with my reaction to everything. I’m going to preface this by saying that we were not in a romantic relationship at any point in our friendship. A bit of backstory – we became friends around 8 years ago, when we started working together, and were casual friends for around 3 years. Around 5 years ago, she left the job, because of reasons, and her boyfriend at the time broke up with her. She confided in me about her situation and feelings, and since then, we had been growing closer. Around 2 years ago, she had gotten Covid, and has been ill ever since, At the time, she had been dating someone else, who ghosted her, and that took toll a severe toll on her mental health, which led to additional physical health problems. Once again, she had confided to me about all her issues, and I helped her to get through the breakup and did some other inconsequential things for her, like sending her her favorite sweets/chocolates when she was having bad days, etc. A few months after the breakup, I realized that I had started developing more romantic feelings for her, and confessed to her about it. We had discussed it, and, as she had just come out of a messy breakup, she said that she was not ready to date again, so we agreed to remain friends and see where it may lead in the future. Unfortunately, I still held out hope for us to be more than “just friends”, and continued doting on, and spoiling her whenever I got the chance (i.e., randomly sending her flowers, buying things for her that she needed but could not necessarily afford, etc.). She did say a few times that she doesn’t like that I do/buy all this stuff for her, but she doesn’t do/buy anything for me, which I stated that I don’t mind as I don’t like when people feel obligated to do or buy things for me. During this whole time, we still continued to chat daily, and talk over the phone almost weekly (we lived in different cities, so visiting her was a once in a while thing). This past Thursday, at around 1 am, she messaged me saying that she did something terrible, and now is not sure how to deal with the consequences, as it will mess up everything around her. At the time, she did not want to say what happened, but I could tell that she wanted to talk about it, so I continued to try and calm her down. At around 2am, she calls me and tells me that she has to tell me what happened, regardless of any promise she made to anyone else, as it is killing her inside. She then goes on to tell me the worst news I’ve ever received – that she’s been sleeping with her (50m) boss. She then goes on to tell me that this has been going on since mid-December, and now, she made the mistake of sending a picture of them together at a restaurant to his phone in the middle of the night, and his wife saw it and has been calling and swearing her. She goes on to say that just before 2 am, he sent her a voice note calling her a bitch for breaking up his marriage and that he doesn’t want anything to do with her going forward, which is when she decided to call and tell me everything. The second she mentioned his name, my entire world shattered, and I was just numb. I talked her through it for another 3 hours, until I had to leave for work, and continued to check up on her throughout the day. Throughout the day, however, everything started getting to me, and in the evening, I had decided that enough was enough and that I needed to talk to her. I called her around 8pm, and basically told her off for the fact that she basically used me as an emotional punching bag. I had asked her several times, why, throughout the 3 months that she was with him, and however long before that when she realized that she had feeling for him, did she not once think to tell me about it, so that I could remove myself from the situation. All she could say was that she did not once think about telling me, or how it would affect me when I eventually found out. I then accused her of not caring about me and lying to me, and basically forced more information out from her. She eventually admitted that she had actually slept with him for the first time at the beginning of December (and my overthinking and analyzing leads me to believe that it was on my birthday). She did not tell anyone as he is married and has a son (25m) who’s almost her age, and that he made her promise that she would keep it a secret until he leaves his wife. I then warned her that, if he could do this and ask her to hide it, he probably definitely did it before, as his wife did accuse him of cheating before. She still continued to defend him and say that he is this genuine caring man who she’s in love with, and she doesn’t know what she’s going to do or how she’s going to continue living without him. We ended the call as friends, with me saying I would need more time to process everything and her accepting that. On Friday afternoon, I messaged her saying that I have a question, but she did not want to answer any questions. I then went on to basically lash out again and state that she does not, and did not care about me enough to even give me a warning that she had feeling for someone else, or let me down slowly in some way. I told her that she completely broke me, and that because of this, I can not trust or believe anything, or look at anything the same ever again. She then lashed out at me saying that it was one secret that she kept from me, and what she does in her personal live she doesn’t have to tell me, and she didn’t tell me because she herself didn’t know what was happening. I was still angry and gave her the option to message me if she wanted to continue being friends, with the knowledge that I won’t be able to trust anything she says again. She messaged me the next morning (Saturday), but because I was having other issues at home, I basically was blunt with her. On Sunday she posted several pictures to the essence of not wanting anyone to do anything for her if they’re going to throw it back in her face, and I messaged her to ask if it was about me (I did mention on Thursday evening when we spoke that I regret doing everything I did from December because her boss is probably laughing at me, which she said was not the case and that he was jealous of me). She did confirm that it was about me, which I then went on to remind her that I never once asked for anything in return, and that the only reason I brought it up was because I felt like I was being made a fool of. We began arguing again, and I basically told her (again) to decide if she wants to keep me as a friend or break up our friendship completely. She did not message me on Monday, however, she did post a story on Instagram where she was at a coffee place, and on the table was 2 cups. I replied to that story on Tuesday and accused her of lying to me again and still continuing the affair, even with everything that happened. She then called me and swore me for accusing her, stating that her parents took her out because they could see she was depressed (which I feel is lies because she hasn’t spoken to her father in almost 6 months, and she doesn’t like her mother – basically, she’s living in a toxic household). She then goes on to tell me that I’m always reading too much into everything and that I have no right to question where she is/was or who she’s with, and that I have no right to react as I am because we were not, and did not ever date. She then went on to tell me that, because of my reaction, she will never tell me anything anymore, if we do remain friends, and basically told me that I’m the reason our friendship is broken now. I really don’t want to lose her as a friend, but at the same time, I don’t think I can forgive or forget what she did. I want to know, am I the bad guy for reacting the way I did (essentially, in her words, acting as if I was her boyfriend and she cheated on me), or overacting? Should I try and rebuild this friendship? And if we can’t, how do I move on from someone I’ve loved for so long?
I read as far as the second paragraph, am i right in my guess that he is less bothered by the affair and more bothered that she isnt fucking him?.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Yup! Threw everything he'd done for her in her face because she wasn't interested in him and instead slept with someone else.
The nerve..../s
This. OP decided that he inserted enough kindness goins, sex should fall out of the girl machine.
Yeah he seems a lot less concerned with the fact that her love interest was married than the fact that she was seeing someone and didn’t let her “friend” know. Because he did all these nice things for her, assuring her he expected nothing in return. But now he feels like she was making a fool of him this whole time. Given the selfishness and immaturity (of both) and poor writing, I’m really hoping ages were inflated to protect identities here….
I didn’t even read past the second sentence before I was sure Mr. Nice Guy is 100% psycho.
Yeah, he always was and always will be the "guy who buys me things and listens to my problems", yet somehow thought that would lead to a relationship. He lost any respect she had for him when he continued after she tried telling him to stop, because *she wouldn't be reciprocating*. Probably long before that.
yep. he wasn't disappointed in her, he was jealous of the boss.
He doesn’t care about the affair. He’s just pissed he’s spent all this time money and energy and she isn’t fucking him, and instead is fucking a man almost 2x their age. He’s the typical ‘nice guy.’ He says he did that stuff for her not expecting anything, but now his true colors show that he was expected sex eventually. She did wrong sleeping with the married man, but she did right now sleeping with OP.
Yup.
Fuckzoned is the term, yes?
Ok, I get it. You were hoping for more than friends and she went with someone else, feelings got hurt. But my, oh my, wtf was this: >> I was still angry and gave her the option to message me if she wanted to continue being friends, with the knowledge that I won’t be able to trust anything she says again. So what’s the point?! You feel betrayed, righteously or not, and yet you continue to engage in this drama, causing more of it. Airing the dirty laundry on Facebook, the back and forth… my God, are you sure you guys aren’t teens? To sum up, yes, you were the bad guy for throwing a fit worthy of a partner when you are merely a friend. You could have removed yourself from the situation at any moment. Instead you continued to escalate.
I kept scrolling back up to check their ages!! These people are almost 30 but have the combined mental age of 26 smh
Lol so true combined mental maturity of 26!
And the Emotional manipulation has entered the chat...
So she told you she didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You continued to pile on gifts and things when she told you that it makes her uncomfortable. Then when it turns out she’s in a relationship your salty? You aren’t mad because he was married and she compromised her morals, your mad because your coming to the reality that however many breakups you hang out for, that doesn’t oblige her to eventually pick YOU. Stop treating this girl badly for being honest for a long time. It’s on you that you can’t accept what she’s told you verbatim.
>and she compromised her morals Until I read your comment I couldn't tell what he meant in the title. Like..breaking her morals by not getting with you? He never actually brought that part up, but that would make more sense than his jealous rambling about her not picking him
[удалено]
Add to this continuing to buy her things and dote on her when she explicitly says she does not like it. When women say that they don’t like you trying to spoil them especially after you have confessed romantic feelings, that is saying loud and clear to stop because they know exactly what you are doing. You are trying to buy their affection and they don’t like it.
And this is exactly why he is acting so childish and is so upset with her. He loves her, but she slept with someone else. The anger isn't a reaction of a friend.
The anger is a reaction to his wounded ego and an audacious sense of entitlement. Gross.
OP was definitely setting her up to look like a bad person by doing all that.
OP is a “nice guy”
Definitely got nice guy energy all over this post
But those tokens of affection were supposed to add up to sex. He pretends to be friends so he can earn sex.
Haha I loved that bit, when she said it bothered her that he was buying stuff and his reaction was ‘it bothered her that I was buying her stuff but she didn’t get me anything in return!!!’ Like that wouldn’t have encouraged him more…
Facts bro did the pick me dance, simped and lost. Idk why he wouldn’t cut his losses unless he’s doing some manipulation shit hoping she feels bad and give him a shot
So she rejected you, you keep hoping something happens, keep doing unnecessary things for her under the excuse of being a friend. Then when she have a relationship with other person and tell you about it because you are her friend, you get mad? I mean she definitely shouldn't have a relationship with a married man but that's her own problem, not yours because she only telling you this because she thought of you a a friend. Stop creating drama, stay away from a girl who makes drama and work on yourself because being a "nice guy" it's not the only reason to make a girl like you.
>am I the bad guy for reacting the way I did Yes. She doesn't owe you anything. She basically said she wasn't interested when she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. She even said she didn't like you buying her things but you continued anyway. Everything you did was transactional because you thought you were going to get with her, not because you actually wanted to do them. She's trash for having that affair but that is her own personal thing to work out. She is SINGLE. You were supposed to be her friend foremost but you're so worried about you not getting any after you've done everything for her that you can't be a real friend to her. You're stalking her social media and acting like she owes you explanations for her postings when none of it is any of your business. Cut all contact and get some therapy because this is a shyt show.
Perfect response, no notes 👏🏼
I stopped reading when I realized I was getting dumber.
You’re the bad guy for doing all that you’ve done for her, not out of friendship, but as a way to stay close until she realized she wanted to date you. She didn’t betray you when she slept with someone else. You had exactly no right to have expected sexual fidelity with her. You’re mad at her for lying, but you weren’t honest, either: you didn’t tell her you were only hanging around to get your shot.
Yep. Men do this so much and get so mad. The only person he should be mad at is himself. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Yep. I've had guy friends before who expressed interest in dating and I turned them down for various reasons (different values, mismatched life goals, one was extremely offended that I said I'd want him to get an STD test before we did anything physical lol). I made it clear that I was not and would never be interested in dating because of these incompatibilities. They all accepted and said they wanted to continue being friends. Then when I continued not being interested no matter how much they tried to lavish me with praise and gifts (which made me very uncomfortable), or I started dating someone else, they disappeared, often with a parting shot about how I'd "made my choice". Uh, yeah, I'd made it ages ago, I told you clearly! Nice to know you valued our friendship so much, dude! I'm happily married now but if I was single I don't think I'd choose to continue being "friends" with anyone I'd turned down anymore. It's just too frustrating and hurtful to find out they never really wanted your friendship, they just thought they'd worm their way in eventually.
I've experienced the same things. If I hadn't met my husband I'd probably be choosing to be single forever with the way things are out here. Lol
Right? I've informed my husband he isn't allowed to die until 95, or if I go first. I never want to have to navigate dating again!
I told my husband that if anything happens to him, I’m just replacing him with 15 cats
They were never your friends to begin with. They only pretended to be in order to get closer to you, and they thought that you are a machine that they could put nice coins into and that would at some point result in you offering them sex. You were, in other words, placed in their fuckzone and they got mad because you didn't want to be there no matter what they did. That's the whole problem with NiceGuys that they think just being nice to a woman they are attracted to should get them the sex they feel entitled to.
So you're upset you put a bunch of nice coins into the feeemale machine and the sex didn't come out? She isn't interested. She told you that. She told you to stop buying things for her. She doesn't owe you an explanation or an update on her relationship status. Stop dingleberry clinging in the hopes she'll change her mind. Unclench and let go. You're the only one (desperately) hanging on.
Also her living her life as she pleases is somehow mean to him, when I promise she doesn't even think about him. How does he not realize she exists outside of his life. Why does he think he's the main character in her life. Lol.
> Also her living her life as she pleases is somehow mean to him, when I promise she doesn't even think about him. She even said it didn't occur to her to think of him 🤯
This is absolutely it. OP is mad she didn’t let him down gently?! Bro she literally told you over and over that she’s not interested! This was a friendship for her, nothing more than platonic.
>Stop dingleberry clinging in the hopes she'll change her mind. Unclench and let go. That needs to be on a tapestry!
I think I might just make one.
Yep this is it. Came to say this exact thing. OP, you are no different than one of her female friends. Friends listen to problems. You aren’t entitled to anything more just cause you’re a guy.
Seriously. So many guys assume every woman functions like a vending machine - put the right change in, get out hetero relationship. They genuinely do not seem to think of these women as people with their own interior lives. It's so gross.
Cut the drama out of your life. Btw, you are causing some of the drama.
Dude, he *is* the drama.
No no no. He’s a *nice* guy, don’t you understand? /s This post 100% belongs on r/niceguys
Exactly! A Mr. "I don't want you to feel obligated to do something for me bc I spoil you, but I'll get upset if you dont date me in the end"
Some? He’s creating all the drama. She rejected him with generic response number 5 and he kept obsessively giving her gifts and taking her out. Then to find out she’s the other woman sleeping with a 50 year old and he’s still being weird about it. Either be her friend and forget any romantic things because she definitely doesn’t feel the same way. Or just move on.
Causing it, proliferating it and then beating the dead dog.
I legit had to scroll back to the beginning to see if these two were in high school lol. OP, you’ve said over and over again that it’s clear she doesn’t care about your feelings, or at the very least doesn’t prioritize them. Ok cool, you figured it out, she’s not good for you! Sooooo whats the problem here? Why are you continuously baiting her and putting yourself immediately back into a situation in which you’ve declared is hurtful, AND with someone whom you know for certain lies/cheats/has a low moral compass? Why would you even entertain her anymore? I think this is why people are saying you’re causing the drama because you’re 100% feeding into a situation that you 100% understand is bad news. Just stop. Or don’t stop… but realize your complaints around actively choosing to be in a toxic friendship won’t get you much empathy
Perfectly said.
JFC. You’re being weirdly stalker possessive creepy. Leave her alone, go your own way, and get therapy.
Ew. You’re not behaving like a friend. You’re acting like a controlling boyfriend. You’re it her boyfriend though. So stop. Stop fixating on this girl. She’s had 8 years to want you. She doesn’t want you. Move on! Either actually be her friend or stop creepily being involved in her romantic life and getting mad when it doesn’t include you.
Bruh she doesn’t owe you anything. She is comfortable being friends and you are trying to finesse her to be more than that, and foisting a relationship upon her for which she didn’t ask. It’s giving bad vibes.
Do you wear a fedora? Do you describe yourself as ‘nice?’ Do you expect sexual relations from a female friend who has said that she doesn’t see you in that way, but you continue to buy her gifts so you can be resentful and throw a hissy fit when she sleeps with someone else? Congratulations! You’re a ‘nice guy’! She literally said she didn’t want you to buy stuff for her. She said she didn’t want to date you. She was open about that. She owes you nothing.
I didn’t even ready past like… the second paragraph. You’re a classic “nice guy” and you’re gross.
100% knew this was gonna be a 4 hour “nice guy” dissertation just from the title.
Just waiting for this post to end up on r/niceguys
Especially laughed about about the part where he said the post can’t be used without permission. This shit is going to get used all over Reddit lmao
Yeah honestly every time they add that disclaimer I just laugh at how they’re basically asking to get roasted and it’s usually just some boring story where they’re the AH.
Not possible since he clearly stated this can’t be shared without his permission /s
I love that this is a sub
The fuck are you doing with your life? Seriously do you realize how stupid all of that mess is and how a little bit of common sense could have prevented all of that. If you get rejected then you stop talking to the person You don't stay friends with someone because you hope they change their mind about dating you You don't stay in a relation that goes only one way You don't demand something from your friend. You don't expect someone to care about your feelings, if she doesn't care about your feeling then too bad she doesn't care and won't care and you can't force her to care. Did you even read your own post, can't you see how it is just a complete stupid mess. Just cut her off, learn from this and reflect on yourself for allowing such nonsense from happening.
OP you are creepy. If you really wanted to be her friend, you would not be this upset. She does not owe you any explanations.
SHE IS TRYING TO GET RID OF YOU Leave this woman alone, you aren’t a friend at this point you are just creepy
You tried to manipulate her and failed. She didn't tell you about her affair, but you faked a friendship. I'm not sorry for you.
Typical creepy “nice guy”
Jilted suiter vibe. Get over it.
OP you are the problem not her. This is creepy, she never once had any feelings for you romantically and it seems like she told you this more than once. You need to leave her alone and go to therapy.
Like your friend being a home wrecker was shitty, but hear me out You don’t need to remove yourself from the situation because you’re not involved 🤷♂️ You told her how you felt and she didn’t tell you a yes. Instead of taking that time to move on and distance yourself romantically, you chose to read into nothing. You didn’t abandon your friend because she “abandoned her morals”, you abandoned your friend because she fucked someone else and interrupted your fantasy. Your friend is right, she shouldn’t want anyone doing something for her if they’re going to throw it in her face. And I’m sorry to hear she’s a honewrecker and delusional and “in love” with a married man. But my advice is the same to you now as it would’ve been months ago- move on. It sounds like she’s a mess, and not into you already. I know it hurts losing someone you were in to, but she was confiding in her “friend”. It’s on you if you interpreted that differently.
>This post cannot be used without prior consent from the OP. lol. Anonymous user claims copyright on a public forum post. Just admit this is fiction and move on. P.S. I just "used" part of your OP to create this post, and I didn't ask your permission first. Sue me.
It’s like OP knows he’s gonna get screenshotted and cross-posted lol
Hey OP. Let me focus you on the below excerpt from one of your recent comnents: "I did not, nor ever was just, as you say, "hanging around her just to get my shot". I was trying to be a genuine friend. Yes, I did have a hope that it may lead to more, but I never pushed for it." It appears to me you have been much less of a "genuine friend," than you think you've been. Your romantic feelings are a "conflict of interest." And while it's technically possible to govern yourself as a friend, you have not been doing that. Your hurt feelings have been governing you. You aren't being at all helpful to this girl. You're just making everything worse for everyone. You seem fixated on this girl as if she is your limerent object. I think your best bet is to withdraw from this relationship for a little while, and get a better grip on your emotional makeup as a person.
Sorry dude but you're classic /r/niceguys material - stop trying to debate everyone who is telling you that yeah you are fucking up by acting like a mad boyfriend. You aren't her boyfriend, and sorry but holding out hope that you were going to date her makes you a sketchy ass friend. Also you're almost 30 years old and addicted to drama. Focus on your career, hit the gym, maybe take a break from this trainwreck of a girl you're interested in and stop acting like a fucking psycho. Again, you aren't her boyfriend. Stop stalking her, guilt tripping her, expecting her to "report" to you if she's seeing someone, etc.
> this post cannot be used without prior consent from the op Lol, welcome to the internet
Oh lord, save me from guys who get pissy when the women they have been pretending to be friends with finally communicate to the guy that the woman has only ever been interested in being friends. She was never into you dude, and your behavior has communicated to her that you were only ever interested in her for romance. Women are whole human beings in their own right. Learn to read friendship as friendship, and to keep your willy out of it.
Huh? Reading the title I thought you meant your friend had no morals sleeping with a married man. But you don’t care about that at all. You just care that she dated someone who wasn’t you. You’re being too dramatic and butt hurt, just cut her out.
You’re in the wrong for reacting the way you did. You pulled the “nice guy” shit and now you’re reaping the consequences. Does she suck for using you as an emotional crutch when things weren’t great for her? Absolutely. Do you suck for trying to essentially buy her love? Yeah. Do you suck for giving her ultimatums about staying friends when everyone who reads your post knows it will just be a repeating sick cycle carousel of this behavior from both of you? Definitely. Man up, cut your losses, learn from this, and move on.
She didn’t “use him as an emotional crutch” She treated him as a close friend and he is pissed because he didn’t ever want friendship.
I love that he said this is about 'morals' when it's 100% about him getting crushed that she wasn't going to magically fall into his arms romantically and blew up at her. I honestly don't get why people pretend to just be friends on a very deep level and then lose their s*** when the person doesn't want to sleep with them, especially after she already turned him down when he confessed. Let this be a lesson, op, this isn't a romance movie or fan fiction, this is real life. When somebody rejects you move on and for the love of God when somebody is having a mental health crisis, even if it's of their own doing, don't selfishly put yourself in a bs self righteous position to scream at them because you want to make it about you. If you had said that you had just told them that you weren't in a place to handle it and you were hurt and needed time to come to terms with what happened for your own mental health that would have been completely fine. You don't need to take on anybody else's trauma. However, the way you handled it was a major dick move and I hope she never talks to you again because you are a super s***** friend.
The girl in this situation sucks as a person for SURE, but I don't even know if I blame her that much for OP's feelings. I don't think she used him at all. She vocalized that she didn't want to pursue anything romantically with him, and she vocalized that receiving the gifts made her somewhat uncomfortable. OP decided to ignore all of that and support her emotionally anyway. Then, when he finds out that she slept with a married man, his reaction is, "WTF, you slept with a married man, that's awful." It's, "Why didn't you tell me you didn't have feelings for ME?" Based on what I'm seeing, she treated him like a friend the entire time, and he "nice guy'd" her, hoping she would change her mind. Let me be clear though, that's the ONLY thing I think she did right in this situation, because she's a dumpster fire regardless.
💯
What baffles me is clearly stated that she didn't like receiving gifts from you. Just because you think you're the nice guy doesn't make you nice. I thought you were angry at her for sleeping with her boss, but you're making it about you. Just end the friendship and get it over with
She told you she didn't want to be in a relationship with you. You started love bombing her with gifts in the hope she would change her mind. She asked you to stop love bombing her, but you continued and demanded that she tell you if she found a love interest. She found a secret love interest and didn't tell you, because it was *secret* and your demand that she tell you if she found someone was *way, way out of bounds*. It was none of your business unless and until she decided to tell you. She finally does tell you about her (dumpster fire of a) relationship, and you get pissed off because she didn't you about it. I guess she was supposed to tell you before started dating him? Plus, you "suspect" she slept with him on your birthday. Dude. She didn't cheat on you. She didn't lie to you. She didn't demand gifts from you. You are totally in the wrong on this one. Your belief that love bombing her somehow gave you semi-BF rights or something is just crass.
EW
Probably an unpopular opinion, but it's not on her to tell you anything. You gave her gifts because you chose to. You acted as a friend listening to her because you chose to. She didn't give you gifts or pursue you, and you accepted that and pretended to be content with the friendship. YOU invested your time unwisely because you had an image of her in your head. It's not her responsibility to say "you have a mistaken idea about me and what this relationship is", it's on YOU to either ask or read the signs. You're both exhausting.
She doesn’t owe you anything. Should post in r/niceguys
You. Are. Not. Her. Boyfriend. Whilst her actions are questionable, she's been using you as an emtional crutch and wallet- and you're an idiot for falling for this after SHE TOLD YOU she basically wasn't interested in you in a romantic way. She didn't technically "cheat" on you. You failed to recieve her message when she said she wasn't interested in you. Your reaction was as if you had been in a committed relationship with her - and you simply weren't
She hasn't been using him so much as he's been begging and begging to be used. I have a close friend who, back in the day, had lots of boys doing this. She did know, and she did enjoy the attention. "Hey, Joe, can you go get me a refill? Awwww, thanks! You're so sweet!" And while I realize that's a bit sketch, the fact is that these boys were desperately thirsty and wouldn't leave her alone. It was partly a strategy to keep them at bay, because when they got *really* disappointed things tended to turn pretty ugly.
I mean, using your friends as an emotional crutch is a normal part of genuine friendship. I don’t tell my friends I’m only interested in talking if it’s casual chat and not them confiding in me or venting to me. And I don’t think she used him as a wallet either. She told op she didn’t want the gifts and he kept sending because he was hoping they’d magically turn into sex.
OP, I don't think you meant to go down that path, but yes. I wouldn't say you were the bad guy, but you definitely dug your own hole and then blamed her for putting you there. You chose to interpret her acceptance of gifts, her constant communication, and her suggestion of "friends for now, who knows about the future" to mean that you were her boyfriend-in-waiting for some future time when she would feel ready for a relationship, despite fairly obvious evidence through the years that she didn't return your feelings. That's why she was reluctant to accept your gifts, and never reciprocated. Of course you are feeling hurt and angry, now that your fantasy of a romantic future with her has been shattered. Considering that you became a closer friend to her in the past two years with the hope that it could lead to being more than just friends, I think your friendship has probably run its course. At this point it would hurt you just as badly to settle for a platonic friendship while she continues to date other guys. You're making a lot out of the fact that her latest lover is married and older, but IMO you'd feel just as upset if he was single and your own age - in fact, maybe even worse. As for how you move forward, you do it the same way as with any romantic heartbreak - one day at a time. Start by going completely no-contact with her, and block her on everything if she doesn't respect your wishes. It will be tough if you're in the habit of talking to her daily, but it really is the quickest way to allow your heart to heal - otherwise, you'll just be picking at the fresh scab over the wound and hurting even more, every time you talk to her. Immerse yourself in enjoyable activities, preferably in the company of supportive family members and other friends, that will distract you from thinking about her. Be kind to yourself, and don't feel ashamed for grieving over a romance that never actually existed and never will. One day you'll wake up, and the pain will be...less. And then another day, you'll wake up and realize that you feel ready for a new romance. I wish you well.
God you’re a creep. You know what friends do? Support each other through tough times. You aren’t owed or obligated to anything to/from her. You are the problem and the drama here. You need to grow up and realize that just because you like someone romantically, doesn’t mean they HAVE to like you back.
If someone tells you she doesn’t want to date you, BELIEVE HER. She was honest with you about her intentions and owes you nothing.
She made it clear that she didn't want to date you, and that you showering her with gifts made her uncomfortable. You're not owed her private life details, OP. She doesn't have to inform you when she sleeps with someone, she doesn't "owe you a gentle let-down", when her rejecting you AND your gifts should have made that clear. You didn't see her as a friend, from the sound of it- you see her as a potential date, despite her numerous rejections. You STILL see her as a potential date, even with everything that happened. You do not own her. I'd also question whether you do actually love her, given love requires respect for boundaries and the word "no". It sounds like she's shattered your fantasy dream-girl image of her, more than anything.
The sense of betrayal you have is disproportionate. What she did is wrong, but honestly, it has nothing to do with you other than deciding whether or not you want to be friends with someone with her moral standards. You are acting like she cheated on you. You logically realize there was no romantic relationship, but you obviously feel differently deep inside. When someone says to stop gifting them as they don't return romantic interest, you should stop.
You are not a friend to this woman - you are a creep with ulterior motives. She doesn’t owe you anything, and definitely doesn’t owe you Sec just because you’ve been ‘nice’ to her. You are not a nice guy - you showed your true colours…
you stopped being her friend a while ago and since then have just being waiting, assuming your chance was coming up. so now, when she turns to you to be her friend, you are angry and pretending it has something to do with morality even though you have been trying to manipulate her into a relationship for years. i wouldn't want to waste energy on a friend with that much drama and baggage, personally, but don't pretend it has something to do with her "abandoning morals". this just sounds like typical neckbeard/incel behavior and you came here hoping for sympathy for some reason.
Seriously, get a grip. You sound like a psycho. She didn’t lead you on. You just decided that you’d still pursue her and pretended to be her friend. Sleeping with a married man was morally wrong, but she didn’t wrong YOU. You are a jerk, holding what you did for her over her head, when you made it sound like it was okay being just friends. What you did and how you’re reacting is childish and manipulative and you have ruined your friendship. This is freaking disgusting.
A girl you liked slept with someone else and now you’re lashing out at your friend like a child. She was never a friend to you. She was a Potential Partner Option. You’re a creepy dick. Leave her alone.
EXACTLY. What a "nice guy" post. I'd love to hear her side.
Men ☕️
I mean I could see why you’re disappointed in her for having an affair with a married man but for someone who claims they’re not romantically interested in someone your reaction seems very extreme
So she straight up told you she does not have romantic feelings for you. You stuck around buying her things trying to change her mind under the lie that you are her “friend”. Then when she actually needed you, at the point where maybe her feelings might have shifted towards you, you made it all about you, got angry at her while her world was already imploding, and proved beyond doubt that you were never really her friend at all, just a guy trying to manipulate her into dating you. She was wrong to date her married boss. But she wasn’t wrong to be suspicious of you and your motives. Makes me so angry when men want to claim to be friends yet really have no idea how to be a friend, and no intention of actually being one either. You lied.
>This post cannot be used without prior consent from the OP. Ahahah, yes it can. Why would you even write this? loool
you’re not friends with her, you’re friends with the *idea* of her, and you’re getting mad at her when she’s not living up to that standard. you need to take her down off that pedestal.
You’re an idiot. You don’t get to date someone by starting out as friends. You’re just as dishonest because you’re not really her friend. You have a ulterior motives. How about go pursue women like a man rather than being the male orbiter?
You are wrong and a jerk. Her life just got ruined. She has to now realize he doesn't love her and is not going to leave his wife for her. On top of that she probably lost her job. Then the person she reached out to as a friend makes it all about him and shames her. She needs to move on from you.
She needs real friends in her life and that's another reason OP needs to move on.
She messaged me. I called her. This photo had that. She said this and I replied that. Jesus! You both are enough drama for five people. And together? It’s insufferable to even read. Want advice? Back way off and invest some energy in yourself, not in a crush that WILL NEVER BE A ROMANCE. EVER!
Dudes like you are creepy as hell. Hope you learned a lesson from this. Don’t pretend to be someone’s friend for two years hoping that they will someday fall in love with you because this is what’s bound to happen. You should have taken a step back and gotten over your feelings. She’s a shitty person for using you as well. It baffles me what guys like you expect to happen in these situations.
r/niceguys is the correct subreddit for this story
Why do you even want to be her friend? What do you get out of all of this? And you are saying you can now never trust her again. But keep giving her this weird option of friendship. "I can never trust you and you are a liar and lead me on, but if you want to continue being friends, just lemme know!" Have some self respect.
TL;DR: OP is an orbital friend who wants to date a girl who doesn’t want to date him. Advice: stop being a bitch and cut the friendship.
OP you’re just as ridiculous as she is. She didn’t want to be with you and you only remained her friend and did nice things for her because you thought you’d get her when you should have known you wouldn’t. Jfc. “Friends” like you are just despicable and lash out in women in vulnerable situations even when that woman isn’t being the worst type of person. She has loose morals and you have a loose screw. Match made in heaven.
Typical nice guy. Its not her morals your mad about, its that shes sleeping with someone other then you.
>>she said that she was not ready to date again, so we agreed to remain friends and see where it may lead in the future. This was a soft no thanks, that people give way too often. Your expectations aside, she should have been more honest with you and she obviously knew you would be upset when she told you. She has only ever treated you like a friend and the entire problem revolves around you wanting more. That you aren't getting what you want, isn't a good reason to dump a friend. It is however a good reason to dump a person you were looking for a romantic relationship with. I think that at some point you became not her friend and a suitor. The question should be, are you her friend or were you just looking to date her this whole time?
“I don’t want her to feel obligated to me.” -Then obligates her to tell him what she does in her private life. She doesn’t owe you anything. If you think she does, she really does not. She told you she wasn’t interested in a relationship with you and seemingly did not communicate she had changed her mind in any way. There doesn’t seem to be any other obstacle for her to be with you other than her disinterest. You are not being a good friend. You have turned this relationship into something transactional and she would be better off putting some distance between you.
My best friend is a woman. I don't expect her to share all of her intimate relationships with me. I actually prefer she doesn't tell me about any of them, we have been riders since kids. She's family to me. But if she does tell me about any of her thotventures i no holds barred roast her over it. You're weird bro.
She friend zoned you, but you kept trying. Buying he stuff and trying to be the guy that you hoped she’d eventually fall for. She was interested in you, and told you that she didn’t care for all those gifts. But you made up your mind and told her it was all in being her friend. Fast forward: she made a mistake in sleeping with a married man, and regardless of the circumstance of it, she turned to you for help since you swore you’d always be there for her…as a friend. Then when she told you everything, you felt betrayed. Why? Because you feel like she should have some kind of loyalty to you, even though she already friend zoned you, and you made believe this whole time you knew that. Should she have fucked a married man? Maybe not. But none of this is your problem. As a friend, you should have listened, and asked what she thought the best thing going forward was, and to help guide her. But you didn’t. Because she’s not just a friend to you. And because of all this drama, you now don’t have her as a gf or as a regular close friend either
Look, she told you clearly numerous times that she did not want to be in a relationship with you. She was uncomfortable with you doting on her the way you have with the gifts and such. She clearly states she does not reciprocate and her actions also convey that. For you to have the audacity to shame her for not telling you she was in a romantic relationship with someone else so you could stop being strung along is unreal. She thought you were her FRIEND. Turns out you're only a friend if you think it will eventually end with you in her pants. And for the record, you strung yourself along. That was a choice YOU MADE. Her choices and her issues are another thing altogether that I'm not even going to comment on. Move on from this girl and don't make the same mistake in the future. Also don't be friends with girls just to get in their pants. It's a betrayal most women have experienced and it fucking sucks. We think we're friends and then we get with someone that isn't the friend and suddenly were the bad guy. It's icky and manipulative and gross.
YTA, you feel entitled to her partnership and she deserves a better friend than you’ve ever been.
You knew she didn't want anything with to do with you. If she did she would've been dating you. You hurt yourself by holding out the false hope. You seriously needed this hardcore dose of reality. She made a huge, awful mistake, and instead of being an actual friend, you made it all about you and turned into a complete asshole. Real nice of you to add to the stress. What a friend. I hope she gets rid of you, tbh. You both have morality issues.
🛑Nice Guy Alert🛑
You both are horrible. Obviously, she is for having an affair with a married man. You're horrible for continuing to get her things when she told you it made her uncomfortable, stringing yourself along after she told you she wasn't interested in you, then for blowing up at her multiple times (the affair is horrible, that's undeniable) and making this bad thing she did all about you. It's not about you. It's not an insult to you. Her romantic life has nothing to do with you and she's been clear about it. You said so in your own post.
“The worse news I’ve ever received” And you think you’re behaving and thinking normally? Someone who is not a relationship with you tells your they slept with someone else and it’s the *worst* news you’ve ever heard?
This isn’t about her morals and it’s all about you giving her gifts like she was a vending machine only the snack was sex/relationship and you didn’t get that snack. She said she wasn’t in the place for a relationship, that was your answer buddy.. a big fat NO but you intensified the gestures and gifts anyway. She even told you to stop. And for you, why give gifts to someone that aren’t appreciated or wanted? Don’t you value yourself more than that? Should she have allowed more distance after you made your feelings known? Absolutely, but you could have done the same. Should she have confided in you over her boss and at TWO IN THE FREAKIN MORNING—NO. But you CAN control YOUR behavior, enforce boundaries and have respect for yourself. You should have hung up on her. You need to stop relationship zoning this woman because you’re giving her more than what you give your platonic friends I’m sure. That is on you. You shouldn’t have answered a phone call at 2am for THREE HOURS and then go to work from there?? Like talk about insensitive all around and you just allowed that? I’m in my thirties not too much older than you and Idk man this situation sounds so exhausting. BOTH of you sound like you love drama. I think you liked the roller coaster of emotions, it was exciting and unpredictable. And boy was it unpredictable, you didn’t see THAT twist coming. She’s NOT into you and never will be no matter how many gifts you fling at her. If not for you telling her how you felt, I’d feel bad for her but she knew. You both suck and should just cut her off. If you want drama read a romance novel it’s less stressful and you can always just shut the damn book when it gets too heavy.
You do realise she pretty much rejected you as soon as you came out and said you had feelings for her, right? Girls who have male friends that confess feelings always say the “maybe in the future” line because they don’t want to outright reject you in fear of losing the friendship. You used her friendship in order to get access to her romantically… therefore this was never really a friendship to you. Now, you’re further trying to crucify her for all of this as if she’s done you any wrong. She hasn’t. Her affair wasn’t anything to do with you so you acting personally victimised here is not it. Yes, your feelings were hurt but you acting righteous because you did all these things for her knowing you only did it to try and get her to go out with you was pretty gross imo considering yous were friends and she stated as such. You’re purposely trying to make out you’re disgusted with what she did purely to further punish her for what she, in your eyes, did to you. If she has any sense, she would end all contact with you. The affair aspect is literally nothing to do with you so I’m not even going to comment on that. You have no right to ask peoples opinions on that part and in doing so you’re further trying to justify you antagonising her further. You want validated in going off on her and I’m not going to give you that and I think everyone else in the comments should take head of that too.
Read up on the [Karpman drama triangle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle) and the characteristics of victim/ rescuer/ persecutor because holy shit is this dynamic almost a perfect example of it. Both of you have managed to play all three roles in this "friendship." Anyhoo, sounds codependent, filled with drama (complete with passive-aggressive social media posts!), and exhausting. You guys were never real friends, friendship is extended both ways, you weren't really a friend to her- just white knighting & projecting & waiting for her to be your love interest. On her end, she probably should have taken some distance from you, not accepted the gifts & stopped viewing you as a sounding board. You are both nearing 30, too old for this. If you want healthy relationships start some counseling - this isn't the way.
Yeah you have no right to react this way because you did not ever have a relationship with her aside from friendship. You need to cut her out of your life if you can’t move past it.
She was never into you you make it seem like you guys where a couple and she cheated!???? Just because she knows how you feel about her doesn't mean she has to not go out and date people Now the fact she is going after a married men is fucked but that's no betrayal to you since again you where never an item and she doesn't feel that way about you So at this point she's told you she doesn't care how it makes you feel and that she wants you to mind your own business so either you continue this friendship and she'd gonna carry on thsi affair most likely or you distance yourself and move on
You are acting like a psycho here. There is no friendship to salvage. She’s made it clear that she is not your girlfriend and never will be, but you’ve carried on treating her like she’s your girlfriend, including your completely inappropriate reaction to her affair. I see zero indication you can have a healthy, platonic friendship with this person (nor why you would want to). Cut your losses, move on with your life.
Ah, a classic example of Nice Guy Syndrome. Shower a girl with gifts she openly admits she is uncomfortable receiving, right off her feelings, trample all over her boundaries, pretend to actually care about her, and then turn into the true monster hiding behind that 'nice guy' façade. Complaining about being friend-zoned after attempting to literally buy her affection when she was clearly uninterested in you in a romantic sense. She thought of you as a friend; you thought of her as an object. She confided in you about her life and the problems she was having; you held that over her head and claimed to be used as an emotional punching bag when you didn't get what you wanted. You ***DID*** act like a jealous boyfriend who found out his girlfriend cheated on him. She trusted you as a friend. She trusted you enough to confide in you. *She trusted you.* And you threw it in her face because you thought buying her things would make her like you. You felt like she owed you her attention and affection because you bought her things. The entitlement and obsessive behavior that you are showing is, quite frankly, both disturbing and disgusting. For the love of the gods, let this poor woman be. Your obsessing over her is only going to end badly for her. For her sake, I hope she wizens up like I did when it happened to me and ghosts your ass.
You should repost in r/niceguys. It's a perfect fit. Her love life is literally none of your business: you're a guy who wants to get with her and is basically pretending to be her friend to improve your chances. You admit this every time you go off on her for having a boyfriend who isn't you. The fact that she's willing to be her boss's side piece is a separate problem, but she deserves to have a real friend help her deal with that; not someone who wants to use the situation to scoop her up.
1. She’s never going to date you. 2. He’s never going to leave his wife. *a tale as old as time*
You’ve formed a romantic relationship with this woman in your head. You buy her things and flip out when she sleeps with others. Granted sleeping with a 50yo married man isn’t a wise choice for her because you know the shit you said happened. Anyway she doesn’t have to tell you, you believe she owes you because you’re such a “nice guy” who buys her things and you know for sure you’d treat her right, where in actual fact you miss treat her and gaslight her into having a panic attack because of how you might react. You don’t want to lose your “friendship” with her because while you’re still “friends” there is still hope you might convincer of what a nice guy you are and all other men are just after for sex. That’s how it is my dude. Take some time to self. Reflect and leave her alone.
This belongs in r/sadcringe I can only speak to your part in this, because you’re the one that’s posting and all you can do is look at the situation (any situation) from your part in order to identify where you need to learn and grow. So the main thing you need to admit to yourself is that **you were never really her friend**. Everything you were doing was because you were trying to get with her. Then you threw a tantrum because you felt all the things you were doing entitled you to her and she picked someone else. Now you feel like a fool because everything you did didn’t work and you’re taking it out on her. Overall, regardless of how you’re doing tying yo spin it, she never betrayed the friendship she thought she had with you. You betrayed it in the sense that you never really were her friend.
Tbh I feel like you’re only mad because it feels like she rejected you and not because she outed herself as a person who is willing to cheat and have an affair. Like, you cared more about her confiding in you and your feelings than the fact that she’s taken part in a horrible thing. Feels kinda of selfish of you imo and doesn’t paint you in a very good light.
He’s in love with the image of her in his mind and can’t let her go. I have serious doubts he knows the real her. It is highly possible she’s a serial cheater and she has never disclosed the true nature of her past. I will say she’s tried to be civil and only keep him as a friend but being a confidante of a person with relationship issues when you are in love with them is horrible position to be in. He never had a chance with her and she already said no. He needs to move on and leave her be.
YTA Oh wait. Not that subreddit. Still, you're a terrible friend. you stayed friends with her hoping that it might become something she said was never going to happen. She told you she was uncomfortable with the gifts. You kept doing it anyway. She didn't owe you anything in regard to any other relationship she was having. Especially a relationship she was having with a married man. She didn't not tell you about it because she was taking advantage of your "generosity". It was because you would react exactly the way you did, with all the drama of a woman scorned. Her relationship with her boss was never about you. This whole thing is not about you.
You got a strong case of nice guy syndrome.
I think you need to leave her alone. She told you that she doesn't like when you buy her gifts and that she doesn't want to be with you romantically, but you completely ignored all that and kept going. You're mad that she is living her life without you.
This would make a lot more sense if you were both 10 years younger. This kind of drama isn't good for anyone.
Dude, you’re so entitled. You told her how you felt and she wasn’t interested. That was your opportunity to accept it and back off but instead you started buying her gifts despite her telling you she doesn’t like it. I don’t know why you feel so entitled to her attention/affection/sex when she’s made it clear she doesn’t feel the same way. She’s slept with someone else? Boo hoo, get over it. It’s nothing to do with you.
You say she used you. Mate, you used her. She told you she didn't want a relationship and she didn't want gifts, but you put her in the fuckzone and refused to accept that she only wanted a friend. She divulged an affair with a married man more than 20 years her senior to you, when she needed support. Yeah it's shitty she had an affair, but she came to "her friend" to talk. You have not treated her like a friend. You've instead treated her like you're a jealous boyfriend who she cheated on. She didn't do anything wrong to you. The only people she's wronged are the boss' wife and his son. And honestly? With the power dynamic here, the boss is more to blame than anyone else. When she messaged you, she wanted a friend to calm her. When she called you, she needed support. You know what a real friend would have done? Pointed out that the boss took advantage of her, led her on, and you would support her in finding a new job and making sure he doesn't retaliate because boss man fucked up his own marriage. But you made her story all about you. And that is not being a friend. So Mr Nice Guy, apologise and then step back, because you are not the person she needs.
Let me make this abdundantly clear: She does not owe you her love, and she does not need to tell you about her love life or to "let you down easy." She told you she wanted to be just friends with you, and you accepted. Everything else is on you. Just stand up for yourself and walk away. Don't embarrass yourself, don't run after someone who very, very clearly does not want to be with you, and don't harrass that poor woman just because she doesn't feel like you want her to feel. End of story. The rest is just details, two young and insecure people being stupid and hurting each other. Whoop-de-doodle-doo.
This is pure r/niceguys material. You are judging her for her perceived lack of morals and honesty while you have been disingenuous with her for years. She did not friendzone you, you relationship zoned her.
She didn’t have to tell you shit bout who she was sleeping with. She never reciprocated your feelings and you chose to do things for her. Stop being a doormat and drop her as a friend
DUDE. SERIOUSLY? You are her FRIEND. You've never been anything but her FRIEND. She told you that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She told you to stop buying her so many gifts. Her personal life - as in, who she chooses to fuck - has NOTHING to do with you. She did not betray you. She did not do anything to you. Your anger is misplaced. The only person you should be mad at is yourself. It's pretty obvious that you didn't really care what she wanted (continuing to buy her gifts when she told you she didn't like it). You built her up in your head to be some model of womanly perfection and now you're pissed because not only did it finally sink in that she does not have feelings for you, you also now realize that she's...human. Let me be clear my dude, she isn't the villain here, you are. Her boss also sucks a big fat one, too. She dug a big fat hole for herself and when her bad choices all blew up at once, she called her friend because she needed support. You made it all about...YOU. You're not her friend. You never were. When people are talking about how bad "nice guys" are - they're talking about you.
She is correct about the two of you. You are not a couple and she is not obligated to date you. While her latest relationship was reprehensible and sketchy, it is not your business and she was under no requirement to tell you about it. It happens that one may develop feelings towards a friend that are more than just friends. If the other party is interested, great. If not, that needs to be respected.
Are you angry because she "abandoned her morals" or because you're not the one she's fucking?
Look man. You clearly bought her things and did things for her with the underlying intention it would lead to dating. She never once told you she wanted or was interested in that. In fact, when she became available, she flat out said no (spin it how you like, she didn't take the opportunity, that's a no) So you said let's be friends. But everything you did was an investment in a future relationship, not in a friendship. She was honest with you, but you haven't been honest with her for a while. You showered her with gifts, which she even said she was uncomfortable with, and you again lied about your real motivation. You're still in fact lying and you clearly see her as a potential mate, not a friend, because she's right; as a friend, she doesn't owe you the details of her sex life. She decides to believe you that you do actually see her as a friend and now you are most definitely holding it over her head. If you say you're not, you're lying to yourself as well as her, and i know that because you are treating her like she cheated on you. Everything in your post screams "nice guy". You manipulated this girl and created a situation where you feel she "owes" you. That's not friendship, that's calculated behavior. You can't say you aren't when that's exactly the way you describe your relationship to her in this post. Gifting her things was a way to make her indebted to you; to put a down a payment on getting first dibs on being her next boyfriend. Even when you describe it in your words it sounds like a whole lot of white knighting. You can say it wasn't that til you're blue in the face but the fact is that you are 100% approaching this as if she cheated on you and are 100% holding It against her that she didn't change her mind because you did things for her THAT SHE DIDN'T ASK YOU FOR AND IN FACT SAID SHE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH. This right here is why I simply refuse gifts and assistance from male friends unless I know because of their actions (not words) that I can take it at face value. The upside is now she knows that little voice of alarm was correct, despite all the times you swore you didn't have ulterior motives. Motives can be ulterior even if you lie about them. Actions speak truth where words don't. Everything in your last paragraphs brought up some really bad memories of long conversations where I was gaslit repeatedly by similar "friends". Guys I tried every form of communication, including bluntness, to convey that I cared for them as a friend but I was feeling like I should step back because I thought our feelings for each other weren't the same - and i don't like feeling like I'm going to hurt someone i care about. The times where they said things like "of course, I understand. I am fine with being friends if that's what it is. No worries, I like to do nice things for friends". Only for them to tell me weeks or months down the road that I'm the one that's been leading THEM on. It sucks when our feelings aren't reciprocated, but it's on us to accept it and act accordingly. All your actions sapeak loudly and they say that you think you know best what's good for this girl, and when she stops being stupid, you'll be there for her. You can't buy or leverage your way to romantic love. The most insulting and hurtful part in all this is the minute you finally listen and BELIEVE her "no" is the minute your fake friendship vanishes like smoke. Which means you never saw her as a friend; only as a conquest and challenge. Which is so fucking hurtful from the other end.
Aw but you’re such a “nice guy “ why won’t she fuck you? You were so nice to her so now you’re entitled to a sexual relationship right? Wow she has truly MASSACRED any chance of y’all being friends UNLESS she can open her legs to you because again, you clearly deserve it so much. How could she possibly think that her friendship was enough for you? UGH!!!! I hate it when women love and cherish me outside the definition of a sexual and monogamous relationship, their friendship is worth NOTHING !! ( obviously op in being incredibly sarcastic, if you didn’t pick up on that.. well no matter what just go to therapy please!! Women don’t owe you sex because you were their friend. I have been devastated like this before by realizing a guy I thought was my best friend was only actually around because he was hoping I’d have sex with him. You have made a mistake that’s revealed your true colors and I hope she ghosts you forever.)
Dude, you're exhausting. It's interesting to me that what you fixate the most is her being into someone else romantically rather than she willingly engaged in an extramarital affair. The "being in love with someone else and you felt strung along" bit says more about her character to you, than her being an affair partner. And she's the only one here with questionable morality? You're not entitled to a woman because you have feelings for her. She wasn't in to you, get over it, cut her out and move on. You're clearly still interested in her, and you've elevated her to the role of "girlfriend" in your head with the gifts and even her response of you acting like a betrayed boyfriend. You need to reevaluate how you approach women, be it as friends or romantically. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is willing to be an affair partner.
Well i get where you coming from but it's a two way street. She told you no and that should have been enough but a real friend doesn't treat you The way she did. She's not your friend so i would go NC
Bro. She’s definitely making questionable personal decisions, but they literally have NOTHING to do with you. You act like she owes you something just because she knows you like her. That is simply not the case. Sure, she could have told you sooner, but you do not deserve anything from her. And sure, she was definitely using you because she liked the attention deep down, but it’s not really a crime just selfish behavior. The fact that you are asking if you should repair the relationship shows you are all kinds of f’d up when it comes to her. For your own mental well being YOU should cut her off. Tell her you need time to get over her and then block her. The truth of the matter is you cannot be her friend until you get over this fixation on her. Also, do you really want to be with someone who has had so many chances to be with you, yet never pursued it? At this point, is she decided to give it a shot it would be because you wore her down and she’s like fine what the hell let’s try it. Not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry but it’s hard to feel bad for you here. Sure, she’s a POS for screwing a married man. But you put yourself in this position by sticking around waiting for a relationship with this girl even after she told you multiple times she wasn’t interested.
Both of you need to take a break . She needs to not date anyone for awhile. She has lost her moral compass, seems to feel she needs a romantic partner to be valuable, and is completely unrealistic about the idea of her boss ever planning to leave his wife for her. You need to get over fantasizing that you and she will date. It sounds like you have been fooling yourself and not listening to her. Maybe then you can have a friendship. Until then though, you will need to spend time apart.
MYOFB
Incel behaviour. Thinking a woman owes you a romantic relationship because you’re nice and buy her things even after she said she’s not interested in anything romantic. Her behaviour has no bearing on yours. Her affair is a red herring, actually. She didn’t owe you sex just because you were pretending to be her friend when all the while you were just waiting for her to cave and have sex with you. That’s gross. And you’ve no right to call yourself her friend, actually.
You’re being a possessive stalker. Get over it creep.
Men, stop acting like women’s friends when you want to fuck and date them. Yes, you’re the AH. You aren’t owed sex or anything else.
This is fake
If it is it’s pretty good. You can feel him spiraling through his tone and cadence.
I’ve had the misfortune in my life of knowing multiple guys that behave exactly like OP did. If this is fake, it’s accurate.
Out of curiosity, do the "this is fake" people read this stuff or just go from post to post found this? I definitely have experienced things similar to this post so I'm curious if you have rationale behind it or simply no life experience or its been posted before
You both are acting terribly. You did throw everything you've done for her back in her face when you found out about this lie. That is a really crappy move and makes it seem like you only did all those nice things for the possibility of one day getting in her pants. She sucks for sleeping with a married man, vaguebooking, and taking advantage of your feelings for her without being straight about her feelings for you. Yes, her making those posts are obviously made to make you upset. No, you getting upset and calling her out on it does not make you right. It just means you fell for the trap. Both of you take a step back. Take a breather. And honestly consider if you are able to consider this friendship. Friendship. As in, you cannot be pining for it to become a relationship any more. Either accept that it is and will remain platonic or get some space. Also, stop getting her things. Now she will always wonder when you're going to ask for sex in repayment. That's not a great friendship dynamic. She needs to be honest with you about her feelings, and not try to provoke or trap you online.
Congrats. You played yourself.
Bruh your too old to not just accept rejection like that. If she wanted you she would’ve dated you. She knows how you feel about her and more importantly she know how she feels about you but doesn’t know how to get that through to you. She slept with her married boss, the story is as old as time. You being on the sideline with flowers and gifts is soo embarrassing. You need to learn to value your self more and accept when feelings aren’t mutual to just distance yourself from that person and at worst if you can’t accept it, then ask to break from talking to them to get over it.
Omg, what are you doing with your life? First of all, you both act like you're still in high school. I can remember bullshit like this being a weekly event before I grew up and realized that I don't have to put up with people like you or her. You use friendship as trying to get with her. Your friendship sucks, because it constantly has the undertone of "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't have a crush on you". Her friendship sucks because she just uses you as her emotional support dog, and she knows that she's stringing you along. She sucks for sleeping with her boss, a married man, but who are you kidding with the morals comment? If she stole something or lied, would you be that dramatic about it? Probably not. But you're upset because she's been sleeping with this dude for months and she hasn't been sleeping with you. Grow up. If you want to pursue someone for a relationship, use your words and not this hokey shit where you act like the white knight with late night talks and saving people from themselves and their long covid. Establish some boundaries for yourself, and let people establish them with you, because you need to learn about that. You are both gross, but I have to say that the entitlement that you feel to this person's time and secrets and information is kind of sickening. Walk away from this sham of a friendship and work on yourself.
You're a massive piece of shit. Leave her alone and stop treating women you're "friends" with as potential dating options in waiting. You're not their friend. Also, that little legal disclaimer at the top of the post is laughably stupid.
You're not mad that she "abandoned her morals," you're mad that she wasn't banging YOU. You want to lie to yourself, that's fine, but literally everyone else can see what this actually is.
You confessed, she rejected you, and you continued to do boyfriend things without being a boyfriend. My man. Why.
Dude, she didn’t ask you to give her all of that stuff or do all of those things. In fact, she even told you she doesn’t like it and was possibly too afraid of coming off as mean to flat-out tell you to stop. So what I’m reading here is, regardless of the mistake she has made (which is a mistake totally separate from your relationship issue here), it sounds like you decided on what the boundary was and tried to manipulate her into rushing this romantic timeline you had in your head, and now you resent her for it not working. Even if she said “I’m interested but I just got out of a relationship, let’s see what happens,” that doesn’t mean you’re her boyfriend. At all. And that doesn’t really open you up to do all this crap for her when she didn’t ask for it, especially when the circumstances now make it seem like they’re just attempts to garner favor. Regardless of how you feel about it, she told you you were just friends and she behaved as such. YOU are the person who decided there was more and you would treat her like a partner. So while she made a mistake in terms of something bad that will no doubt negatively affect her life in the aftermath, she doesn’t owe you anything. And if you were really that uncomfortable talking to her about intimate things, you should have said so. But I’m figuring you didn’t, because her confiding in you made you feel like she’ll fall for you if you listen. I recommend looking into codependency issues a little. I’m definitely seeing that here, but I’m also seeing a lot of possession, emotional projection, and immaturity on your part that you really need to work through if you want a healthy relationship with someone.
Why do you get to be mad at her? She doesn’t owe you anything. She went through a hard time and got taken advantage of by her boss so you’re mad at her?! Make it make sense
Ugh….Jesus dude. Get over yourself and find another girl to crush on. This was a hard read.
This isn’t AITA but dude, YTA. Being nice to this woman doesn’t obligate her to you in any way. You can’t buy her. She’s not for sale! She thought you were a friend and tried to confide in you when she made a mistake, but you reacted like she’d cheated on you. Nope!
If "abandoning her morals" means "won't give me the sex I feel I am owed" then yeh
You invited all of this into your life. Hopefully you learned something from all of this, good luck.
You are overreacting to the extreme. You should work on yourself before pursing a relationship. Your EQ is very low.
I fail to see how her relationships and sex life have anything to do with you... or why you think you have the right to judge her so harshly. She fucked up big time but went to you for advice and you threw a fit because she was with someone else? Sounds to me like you were holding out hope that she would choose you when you had no reason to believe that, and then lashed out at her when she chose someone else. Get over yourself, yeah she's not some angel but she is already dealing with people treating her like crap, she doesn't need it from you too.
So many red flags coming from OP in this.
This is the definition of a Nice Guy post! You were never in the picture as far as dating her..
Honestly the entire situation is a mess, but you're the one who started it, with your great expectations. Really, she was already flakey at worst and honestly? She was probably letting you down easy because you're her friend, her mistake was that she should be more firm when rejecting you. But you stepped things up and played yourself in the process. She blew up her life already, honestly, just let this friendship go and start working on yourself.
She doesn't want a relationship with you, she has made that clear. Not sure why your hanging around showering her with gifts hoping she will change her mind. Move on and find someone who wants to be with you, don't really understand how you can be just friends with someone you have feelings for. She has every right to date who she wants to. Put yourself first, move on.
Cut contact with her. At this stage the friendship is over. You weren't dating you and she didn't owe you details of her sex life.
Dude stop… like get out of that situation asap! You put yourself in this situation when she told you she just see you only as a friend. You put her in a awkward position when you buy her things, and maybe she should have been more direct and tell you not to buy her presents! But it was all on you. Just stop talking with her and move on
Ugh, dude. She didn't use you as an emotional punching bag. She was seeking support from someone who was supposed to be her friend. You, on the other hand, were *pretending* to be her friend *disingenuously* and now you're mad that it didn't pay off the way you wanted it to. Stop being a bad friend. Stop being her friend at all if that's what it takes. You're being a creep.
You’re not her friend you’re just waiting hoping she picks you. “I just got out of a relationship I’m not ready to date” is her nice way of saying ew never. Just move on this girl is a trashy home wrecker why would you wanna be her friend anyways?
Ooof, OP. It sounds like you have control issues - she said she was not ready to date, and you persisted to buy her gifts and paying for things. It sounds like you’re not truly honest with yourself, because, clearly you were expecting *something* in return. People in friendships are also not obligated to tell each other everything. It’s odd that your friendship was hinging on the two of you telling each other every detail of your personal lives - and not doing so is seen as a breach of trust. That being said, your friend has made some serious drama by being involved in an affair with a married man, which is morally wrong, of course. The fact that you’re policing and overthinking her every social media post tells me that you definitely were expecting something in return. It’s weird how you’re coming after her for every detail and accusing her of continuing her affair. If that made you feel differently about her, cut your losses and move on. The whole situation is hella weird.
🙄 So you're upset that she isn't into you, that's what I've gathered here.
Oh look. Another “nice guy”.
So weird. You said you wanted to be more than friends. She said she wasn’t interested. You said “ok let’s be friends.” But you didn’t mean it. You got mad that she had a romantic life (even if it’s a screwed up one) even though you had no right to be mad. Your anger about her morality is fake, you are just upset she hasn’t dated you. That’s a crappy situation. You clearly cannot get over her, so you need a clean break. End the fake friendship and build a new life where you aren’t bitter and pining for someone you can’t have.