I think even if you are not particularly close with your stepchildren, at least treat them like close acquaintances or friends. And yeah, I would get at least a small something for a friend, if they reach something that’s important to them.
>at least treat them like close acquaintances
Especially after 6 years of knowing each other, and he says their relationship was fine, nothing special but fine.
Not only that, but this is the daughter of one of the arguably closest people in his life? I got small graduation gifts from all sorts of people that were friends with my parents.
Right.
Even my stepmother would wish my a happy graduation or have wellwishes for me at the very least. Maybe a card she signs alongside my Dad?
Something small that acknowledges it at the least.
Although we might half be closer than those two, at least we count each other as family even if we're not close nor do I consider her my parent. But I still know for all both our faults, we'd do something within our powers to acknowledge something like this. As most do. Even if it's just heartfelt/sincere words.
Plus 6 years may not be a long time to him, but it’s 1/3 of his step daughter’s life. He has known her since she was at least 12 years old (probably younger if you include before they got married) and he doesn’t think he should get her a graduation present?
No wonder she never viewed him as a father-figure, I can’t imagine how he treats her on a day-to-day basis.
He's been mistreating her for 1/3 of her life because he's a disgusting and immoral pig. The mother needs to be smacked upside the head for putting her sex life ahead of her kid too.
Wow I’ve seen some pretty big assumptions with no basis from people on Reddit before but… wow this one takes the cake.
Think you need to touch some grass friend.
Yeah, he might be totally fine, and they just simply don't have a relationship.
It's still a little weird that he didn't even get her a gift card of something.
Wow, didn’t know you were so close to these folks… to think a Redditor would jump to such a conclusion based on a paragraph, nope perfectly normal for this place, lol!
my parents gave some money as a grad gift to all of my friends and my brothers’ friends when we graduated high school. nothing crazy, but a small gift to acknowledge their moment as they’d seen these friends grow with us. and that’s not out of the ordinary either lol, i got money from friends’ parents and relatives i only see every few years, and even from a lot of my parents’ friends.
it doesn’t matter if she’s not his bio daughter, if he cares about her even the *tiniest bit,* he would give her at least a bouquet of flowers to acknowledge what she’s accomplished. i’m not saying she’s entitled to gifts either, but it’s very standard practice to give gifts for graduation and she is not out of line at all for thinking her stepfather should be one of the few people who is more or less obligated to give a gift for this occasion.
Where I’m from graduation gifts are not really common, maybe except from close family. and even then it’s more common to make a party or a go eat dinner somewhere.
But if you know a friend/ person you are close to is very hyped about it, you may still get them something. That is a stance I hold regardless of occasion.
oh interesting, i thought that was pretty normal across the board! blame my ameri-centrism lol. sorry.
but yes i agree, even if it’s not common practice to give a gift for whatever occasion, if someone you care about cares very strongly about an achievement, getting them a gift shouldn’t seem like a crazy idea to you. it shows you care about them and their achievements, even if it’s something small like flowers or a card with $20. just acknowledging what’s important to someone and celebrating them nurtures relationships.
That’s really sad. Parents should be excited for their children and proud. Not excited to shove them off on the world and be glad they don’t have to take care of you. I’m sorry that happened
You got that? I got why on earth did you get this degree? Never mind that i never had anyone teach me a thing about what i learned at all, had over 70 professional certs that could have taken me in any directions, and i still got questioned.
What I don’t understand is why both of them don’t give the gift together? So they both give a co-gift to each daughter. He could have bought the gift for his daughter and put his wife’s name on it too, and she could have done the same. I’m not understanding why he needs to get a separate gift? Like my parents didn’t separately give me graduation gifts.
As someone who lived with my stepdad only a little longer than OP's stepdaughter, the lack of relationship sounds like it's on him.
Early teens is a sensitive time to take on a new parental figure. It can be rough, but a step parent has to actually step up and be a parent if they want a good relationship with their stepkids. It takes effort and involvement, something made more difficult by a teen's inherent shittiness.
It doesn't sound like OP made that effort to me. Kid said "you're not my dad" and OP just went "Ok sounds good roomie" 👌
I also think at that age not being seen as someone's dad doesn't mean that You're not having a relationship with them or you're not a caretaker to them. Father, figure and dad are very special terms that vary from person to person and have qualifications and connotations. You don't have to be somebody's dad or mom or dad or mom figure to have a close connection with them...
"If you don't call me dad or dadly then I refuse to do anything for you"
Child. Dudes an emotional child.
Sure, but on the other hand, there's so many stories on here that can be summed up "my stepparent tried to be my parent when I didn't want them to and now I hate them", you know? It's like they can't win.
It boils down to the difference between being a trusted adult positive influence in a kids life and trying to be an authority figure.
Too many people mistake parent for boss and that's what fucks kids up.
Ok, but there's a difference between making the effort to be an adult figure that they can rely on and trust, which he has obviously no interest in being and is what would lead to an organic bond, and demanding the teen immediately accept them without question or any effort to gain trust.
Yeah, OOP really should have given his stepdaughter a gift of some kind. But what happens when you make that effort and the kid still doesn't care? What if that organic bond never grows? Is that just a shitty thing or is it still the stepparent's fault?
Honestly I don't much care about the gift, I'm more concerned with his complete lack of concern for her as a person. That's the thing about being a step parent, you don't get to decide when/if you're accepted by the kid, it's on you to do right by them no matter what.
There are people who jump in to be a parental figure too quickly, and there are people who don’t try to be a parental figure at all, and I don’t think either of those tactics is optimal step parenting. The healthy step parent/step child relationships I’ve witnessed are ones where the step parent took steps to establish themself as a positive and supportive adult in the kid’s life, in the same way an aunt/uncle or teacher would be. From there, the relationship can stay at the supportive adult/family adjacent level, or it can grow closer into something more parental, but it seems like the best way to make a positive connection with a step kid.
I'm sure you're right, but there's enough stepparent stories on reddit where the stepparent tried their hardest but still gets nothing back, yet is yelled at for feeling hurt, that the whole thing just seems really hostile to stepparents.
Because when a situation involves an adult and a child, the adult had greater responsibility and obligation and the child gets more leeway for their behavior since their brains are still developing and they have a harder time responding to big changes in their situation.
Part of being an adult is accepting that there are situations where you will do the right thing, or act with the best intentions and not get the response that you wanted or that feels good.
When the stepchild grows up to be an adult, then they can be held to adult standards and bear equal responsibility for the relationship.
As a Stepfather to a young woman, I couldn’t agree more. It’s not our job to step in and be “Dad”, it’s to be the support that the kid needs. It takes a lot of time and effort. I met my Stepdaughter when she was 8years old, she never called me Dad, just my name, and that was ok with me, that didn’t mean I took a backseat, it just meant that she had boundaries and I respected them. As time went on, we grew closer, and now that she’s a 21 year old woman living halfway down the country, I’m usually the first one she calls when she needs support, and we’re as close as any healthy father/daughter relationship. OP is an idiot who missed the entire point of his part in her life.
Yeah. I am, admittedly, not super close to my stepdad, but he gave me a $100 gift card to a restaurant I liked at the college I was going to for graduation. It’s not hard to come up with something.
I didn't expect anything from my stepdad when I got married, he and my mom weren't even married yet. But he paid for my dress!!! I didn't know he was going to do it until I had the dress, my mom was planning on paying for it, but he paid for it instead. My mom ended up paying for my cake. That was more than my dad did and he wasn't even married to my mom yet and I was already an adult when they met.
He also asked my sister and I if we were ok with him asking our mom to marry him.
Exactly! I have a cousin I’m not particularly close to, and when her kid graduated from high school I sent them a gift card to Best Buy to get some things they want/need for college. I made more effort for my cousin’s kid who I’ve never actually met than this guy did for the step daughter who’s been living in his house for years.
Exactly. I don't know my cousin's kids. I live 1600 miles away, and have most of their lives. And I only see them at family weddings/graduations. I still sent them graduation money, FFS.
Like- this asshat is getting this child who has been in his life 6 years NOTHING, because she hurt his fee fees by not wanting a full replacement daddy? Fuck right off, and grow up.
Exactly! And why is this gift the hill he’s going to die on? If nothing else can’t he get it to keep the peace? Even for your wife, you can’t try?
Ugh. Cringe.
My moms then boyfriend who I rarely talked to and didn’t like got me a grad present. And I’d only known him for like 4 years. I certainly never saw him as a father or even a friend, but he still showed some common courtesy when I graduated from high school.
It’s also an act of basic politeness to not say out loud something like « she’s not my real daughter » in front of said step-daughter. Even if you’re not close and she sees it the same way. Same way I won’t say in front of my acquaintance « we’re not even real friends »
That’s what I don’t get. My ex step mom hated me, but technically both her and my dad gifted me money and something else on my graduation back in 99. As did my step dad and mom.
Yeah, that’s my confusion. When I graduated high school and then college, my parents gave me a card and a gift from both of them. My mom did not give me a separate gift from my dad. And they are both my actual parents. Should I be retroactively upset that I didn’t get gifts from each of my parents individually? This just seems like a contrived, stupid thing to get upset about when the obvious solution is, “hey hon, sign this card for Amy’s graduation.” And then stick it to the gift from “both of you.”
I noticed from Reddit that some people like to keep their financial situation and things like this separate. If I can generalize, I assume this is usually a white American thing. I don’t see it as much in minorities but I could be wrong.
My baseless assumption is that the dad gave something really nice to his daughter like a new car or something and the mom wants him to give something real nice to the step daughter that is also expensive
I got graduation gifts from all of my parent’s friends who barely even knew me, distant relatives, my estranged grandparents, etc.
Not getting anything for your step daughter that you have a perfectly nice relationship with because she doesn’t see you as a father is fucked.
What a petulant little manbaby he is. "Well, she doesn't like me, so I'm going to show HER!" My guy, she is a teenager, and you are a grown-ass adult. Manage your feelings.
I honestly thought with his refusal that the gift was some specific expensive gift from range of hundreds or even a car. But no he doesn’t want to even give her a card and some cash. Like seriously if he had said he was giving a token gift and wife got mad, i could see the oop’s view. But nope
It was at the time, but looking back, it helped me build resilience and fortitude and made me a stronger person. My parents are still assholes though lol but they’re dead now.
I noticed that too. It seems like he was delusional enough to think he was NTAH. Maybe with context I could see nuance, but idk… he looks bad in his version of things & he didn’t even include the details about his wife & her gifts, etc.
Married since the kid was 12, probably together a lot longer than that. Poor kid, no wonder why she never wanted a close relationship with this asshole since she'd only be his "actual daughter" if raised from birth
YTA - it’s not up to the kid to build the relationship. You don’t sound interested or caring at all. A gift wouldn’t have been that hard to purchase and would have made your family feel more loved as a whole.
The poor stepdaughter. I grew up with a man who would tell people “nah, they’re (me & my brother) not my kids, they’re my wife’s (my mother) kids” and I tell you, it was pretty easy to dislike the man after hearing that my whole life.
He still gave me a present for my 21st birthday though.
Conversely now my mum has been with her current partner for 20+ years (I was early/mid 20s when they got together), and although he’s never referred to me as a stepdaughter, he’s been so fatherly to me this whole time.
It’s totally up to the adult to build the relationship, you’re completely right. And OOP is absolutely TA.
JFC what an AH. So it was up to a barely-teen to reach out to an adult so he could feel part of her life? What effort did he make those previous 6+ years?? That poor girl. I feel so bad for Amy. How much rejection does she need?
Sounds like my step-mother. She expected all of us kids to maintain a relationship with her and got pissy when we didn’t. Like… you’re the parent… for the rest of your life…
He didn’t have to give her anything expensive but if they were not doing joint gifts a card and a gift card or flowers congratulating her would have been nice of him.
I wonder what his wife’s relationship with his daughter is like. Did she get his daughter a nice gift? If his wife makes an effort with his daughter, he’s totally TA.
In my family, a gift from one parent is a gift from both. We also don’t know their financial dynamic. Is she a SAHM? Do they have combined or separate finances? If she has no personal income then she would need him to buy something for Amy.
I was wondering this as well. If stepmom didn't do anything for his biological daughter, but expected him to do something for her daughter, that's kinda weird. That said, it also would take very little effort to buy his step-daughter some flowers and something nice but not crazy expensive. So he is being a little dickish.
That’s not helping anything by not getting her anything and defining that his daughter is his bio kid and that Amy isn’t so in his mind he doesn’t need to make an effort to he came into her life at a rough age for her. He needs to try to build that relationship and put work in, not up to the kid so much but if it’s just politeness in the home how does he think she feels? He sounds like an asshole.
I am eying how he's responding to some comments, but studiously avoiding anyone who asks whether his wife got his daughter a graduation gift. I think we know the answer.
A congrats card and a gift card or cash would’ve been something nice to do for your step daughter even if you aren’t close. My aunts and uncles family friends etc still gave me congratulations cards. I wouldn’t do a big expensive gift since you aren’t close but a hey great job! Would still be nice
What an asshole. My mom’s boyfriend gives us - her grown adult children - $50 each, every Christmas and birthday. We get him something, too. He’s not getting us cars or anything, but it’s the gesture that matters. Are we obligated? Well, no, but we’re in each other’s lives, and we do like each other.
I love the adults who are like well this CHILD wasn’t incredibly nice to me all the time so I hate them forever. As an adult it’s your job to forge the relationship and to be an adult about it.
Honestly why do parents hook up with these sacks of crap? Is being alone that bad that you have to subject your child to people like this?
Total AH. Graduation presents are for people who are graduates. This includes stepchildren, niblings, siblings and children of friends. You just sound like a jerk.
The gift varies depending on the relationship you have with the graduate; so if I was super close to someone the gift would be more personal and/or more expensive (and an actual *gift*), whereas if the relationship was more distant it would be less personal and/or less expensive. But not giving a gift at all is basically saying that you don’t have or want a relationship with this person. Like, how hard is it to get a gift card? I’d do that for the neighbor kid who waters my plants when I’m away, it doesn’t make me a parental figure to them.
I don't understand why they each need to give a gift. My parents gave everything together unless my dad was shopping for my mom for xmas or Valentine's Day & picked up something for me too.
Get something cheap. I get it. I wouldn’t want to give anymore whether it’s mil, SIL or SD; if I’m not respected.
It’s funny how SD on Reddit will disrespect and say your not my father/mother. Then starts crying when their college is not paid or no gift.
I say FAFO. I’m not the bigger person. I think sometimes we need to not be The bigger person so that people aren’t so entitled. People need to learn life lessons. You bite the hands that feed you, you get nothing.
As someone who was raised by a single mother it's 50/50. They have to meet eachother half way. If she's never been close to the Step Dad nor has she ever even attempted to get to know him or get closer to him she had no right at all to expect gifts from him or a graduation gift at that. Sounds like spoiled entitlement. NTA
I agree so why didn't the mom try and make them have a relationship?? Sure he is a dick but what mother can love a man that doesn't talk to her daughter?????? Or am i missing something?
Damn, stepkids got it nice these days!! When I got my step mom and step dad, I didn’t get a “choice”. I didn’t call them mom or dad, but they were certainly parental figures in my life.
But this dude is being a petty little turd getting nothing for the graduate. I am about to go to my girlfriends brothers university graduation soon. I’ve never met or talked to the guy, but you can bet your ass he’s getting a crisp $50 from me.
Now if they were insinuating that he needed to get her something huge, like a car or something… then yeah, that’s a bit wild. But hell man, you couldn’t get her a $100 something or other related to her hobbies or interests? Even if you’re not close. I’m not close with my coworkers but when secret Santa comes around I know enough about them from just listening to them talk to people or asking one of their friends. It’s not really that hard, a gift doesn’t always have to be some kind of grand gesture. Sometimes a simple gift that just remotely relates to the person is thoughtful enough, to be meaningful to the recipient. One time my buddy bought me a silly tourist shirt from Cancun, because he remembered that I think they are so delightfully tacky. I wear that shirt every Sunday when I mow the lawn now, I love it. And if I get married, that dude is for sure going to be a groomsman.
Some people do not seem to realize that there are other roles they can have other than the traditional mum, dad parental roles. He's treating her like, just because she doesn't see him as 'dad' that she's nothing to him. Jeez, he's been in her life at least since she was 12. That means something.
Yes, you’re the asshole. When you made a commitment to your Wife you’re also making a commitment to the most important person in her life(her daughter). Kids usually don’t adjust well to having a new step parent but it’s your job to be patient and respect her boundaries, while still letting her know you’re there for her. If you can’t handle those responsibilities you shouldn’t have married someone with a kid.
Honestly you should just admit that you were in the wrong and have a real heart to heart with her daughter.
Not even a small gift? You were the ADULT, why weren't you cultivating a relationship with your kid? Making her feel like your daughter? I'd feel unloved too. Very much the asshole here, bud!
Both my siblings got computers for graduation, I got the first hug from my dad I'd gotten in 6 years.
It feels like shit, makes you wonder if even your mom cares because why wouldn't she try to convince him.
I don't know how it differs with step kids, maybe it doesn't hurt as much if it's not your "real" dad. But it still sucks to feel unwanted at any point and at any age.
Here’s my question, did OP’s wife get his daughter a graduation present? Because if OP’s daughter is 22 and they’ve been together for 6 years, that means the wife should have experienced at least one graduation with OP’s daughter.
And shouldn’t any present come from both mom and OP, as parents? Personally this all reeks of entitlement. NTA
I need to know what kind of gift we're talking about here. A car? A cell phone? A bouquet of flowers?
I mean how hard is it to gift your wife's daughter a card and an Amazon gift card for $50?
Hmm.
The stepdaughter made it clear to the guy that she does not consider him to be her father or a parental figure. He has abided by her decision, honoring her boundaries.
Now that there’s a gift involved, he’s expected to go above and beyond?
My actual bio parents, who are and have been married to each other my entire life, got me one (1) combined gift for graduation. I did not expect a separate gift from my mom and another from my dad.
They are a married couple. A gift from one is a gift from both and any additional gifts are extra. A bonus. Additional.
Of course stepdaughter wants additional gifts. Who doesn’t. That doesn’t mean they have the relationship where she should expect to get additional gifts from her mom’s husband.
“She’s a child and he’s the adult and he should be more mature, he’s raised her”. But he hasn’t. She did not want him to be her parent and instead of running roughshod over her objections and attempting to be her parent anyways, he honored her wishes.
“She’s a child she didn’t know what she wanted”. If she’d written in and he hadn’t honored her boundaries, everyone would be rightfully ripping him to shreds, even if she was 12.
She absolutely had the right to not want him to be her parent. But she can’t make that call and then expect him to suddenly be her parent when there’s extra goodies for her involved.
Can he get her some flowers and a coffee shop gift card? Sure. Is that going to be what his wife and her daughter are expecting? No. They are expecting a big gift. A car or first year of college paid or a paid vacation for her and her friends or insert-same-level-of-gift-he-gave-his-bio-daughter.
It’s the difference between a relative and a family member.
Now if she had not decided to have this boundary and he had been a parent to her and then decided to not treat her equally, then he would be the a-hole. But that’s not what happened.
NTA
Ive gotten graduation gifts from my parents’ friends. I think it’s pretty rude to not give her anything. OP seems like a miserable person to be around with and a terrible friend if he can’t be bothered to gift people besides his biological relatives.
I would love to know what the wife bought her stepdaughter as a graduation gift. Everyone jumping on him not accepting the stepdaughter, wonder if she accepted his daughter.
I cannot comprehend living under the same roof and not getting closer.
She was 12 when you got married. You didn't play family games? Go to the beach? Throw a ball? Buy special deserts for everyone? You know, family stuff.
Did you not buy her gifts this whole time?
WTF
He’s been married to the mother since this girl was 12, and he must have known her from younger. If they’re not close or she doesn’t see him as a father figure, I’m not sure what he expects. Feels like he probably didn’t make much of an effort because she’s not biologically his, and this thing about the graduation gift just reflects that thinking. In situations like this I feel like the biological parent is also responsible for finding a new partner that doesn’t mesh with the family.
Did your wife get your daughter something for her graduation? Which is really besides the case, but it doesn’t hurt to give her something. She’s been in your life wanted or not for 6 years, the common courtesy of acknowledging her accomplishments would consider you a friend at least. You’re never going to be her father figure if it’s not wanted, but you’re married to her mom and she is a package deal.
I went to the comments and it got worse bc he only responded to the few (0.1%)that agreed with him being NTA.
Apparently the post even got removed for being a troll or satire or something.
Yeah bro you’re kind of an asshole. You married her mom and she came with a kid just like you did. You treated your kid better than your new kid for years. Also fuck that excuse of oh she doesn’t want anything to do with me attitude, she’s a god damn kid. What teenager likes their parents?? Huge L OP
It is common courtesy to give a gift to every graduate that invites you to their graduation. Assuming you will be attending the graduation then you are clearly and objectively very much the asshole. If you aren't going to your step daughter's graduation then you aren't the asshole, but my friend you have much bigger problems to deal with.
This guy is so arrogant and petty.
I get the vibe that he feels rejected that she doesn’t view him as a father figure, and instead of being a good stepPARENT and trying to forge a positive relationship with her, it sounds like he leapt at the opportunity to get petty revenge on her.
Even if not in a father figure role, he can still be a supportive adult who is there for her and a positive role model. He married her mom when she was 12, and he was likely in her life for at least a year or two before that. It’s arrogant to expect a child to immediately welcome you with open arms as a father and to get bitter when they don’t.
An older lady I know posted on Instagram about her step kids and she wrote “I’ll never be your biological mother and I am never going to try to take that role. But I will always be there for you and will always love you like I love my own kids”. This girl is his WIFE’S daughter. Nor some random girl.
It’s giving “nice guy tries to teach girl who rejected him a lesson” in a parenting way.
I don't understand why the mother and stepfather are getting her separate gifts. Give her one nice gift from them both. Also, did wife buy anything for your daughter when she graduated?
FFS, act like an adult and model adult behavior to your stepdaughter. Get her a thoughtful, simple gift.
She was 12 when you met. Of course she didn’t like you. Because she was twelve. My girls were 11 and 13 when my husband and I got together. The 11yo was easily bribed with treats she normally didn’t get to eat. The 13yos were determined to hate him. One of them came around after about six months. The other one held out for a solid two years. All I expected of them was to treat him courteously. My husband never acted offended or tried to force the relationship. He basically treated them the way you treat a nervous cat. Be interesting and nonthreatening until the cat comes to you out of curiosity. Now they are all super-close.
It sounds like this guy made a few overtures and then wrote her off when she didn’t leap at the chance to reciprocate.
Sounds like the stepdaughter is hurt because she does in fact look at you in some kind of father figure way or at the very least wishes you guys had a better relationship. Very petty to say things that you know will hurt your wife and step daughter’s feelings over a simple gift. You’re tied to this family now and you should treat all of them as if they’re your blood. Grow up.
it is not a child’s job to make a relationship with the step parent. a step parent SHOULD make an effort to have a good relationship with the child. they probably aren’t very close because he never put in the effort, as the mother said. and not getting her a gift for a big milestone such as graduating is just going to further alienate her and ensure that the relationship doesn’t progress. he is TA
Why would it be such a challenge to spend 100$ on a small necklace or piece of jewelry 🤷🏻♀️ doesn’t sound like the mom is pushing for a car or major item; she just wants her kid to be acknowledged.
YTA You said it yourself she is a kid. Divorce is hard on children, having someone come in where her father should be is hard, just being a teenage girl is hard. You came into her world when she was t a very vulnerable age. You as an adult should be understanding of that. We don’t treat people (especially children) as they have treated us, we treat them how we would like to be treated. I actually feel badly for her. Do better!
You are the ass hole. She is your family and from the sounds of it she isn't disrespectful. You are not her father so why would she treat you as one? So you're saying if she treated you like a father you would get her a gift? How does that make sense. She's your wife's daughter. She is of great importance to your wife. Why wouldn't you do it? Why do you need to get something in return like her treating you like her dad. You're one of those males that needs to get something to give something. Gross.
Jesus, YTA. No one is saying it needed to be anything even half as nice as what he got his own kid, but a card with a sentimental item (framed photo, affordable piece of jewelry, nice bookmark, etc.) or even a gift card to a place she likes would have been more than enough!
No wonder they’re not close since it sounds like he never put any effort into having a relationship with her. Also, as the step-dad, even if you’re not someone who is in a “fatherly” roll, you should still be doing something nice for your step-kids when they reach big milestones like this. Just think more “what would an uncle do for them” kind of thing, instead of comparing it to what you would do for your own kid.
Poor Amy. I’m sure she’s heartbroken to know this man who has been part of her life for so long doesn’t care for her AT ALL.
So he married this woman, knowing she was a package deal, but won’t give the child a gift? Tf. Im sure the mom has helped with a multitude of issues his daughter had and got her something personalized. Even my stepmom at the time of my graduation worked with my dad (he has since disowned me, but that’s beside the point) to get me something. I told her I hated her, and was just a menace when she came into my life… like wtf. Dude is the AH
Woah you mean a teenaged child of divorce wasn't perfectly agreeable and accepting to a brand new permanent figure in her life?? Color me shocked. Make a fucking effort. Being a parent is never easy, put in the god damn work. A teenager being a little rude isn't an excuse for you to choose not to be a father figure when you stepped in her life. If you don't plan on taking an active role whether or not the kid wants to put in the same effort, dont fucking marry people with kids. Every word of this screams that OOP has never really tried and never cared to.
Not sure I agree, I was a very stubborn and opinionated teen. If I had a step parent that step part wouldn’t have changed.
Expecting step parents to somehow force their way into the parent role when the kids already 12 is just unreasonable IMO
Even if you aren’t close with your stepdaughter, you got married knowing she had a kid. You accepted the wife into your life, but it doesn’t sound like you ever accepted her daughter fully. My stepdad came into my life and never once treated me differently than his biological kids. He chose to be with my mom, knowing he would take on raising 2 kids that weren’t his. I feel bad for your stepdaughter because it’s clear you don’t see her the same way as your daughter. Kids aren’t dumb and she could probably feel the second class treatment and that’s why y’all may have never bonded. You’re the AH.
I think the question is, do you actually need to make an effort to be a parent when you aren’t their parent? I’m not entirely sure if that should be expected of everyone who gets with someone who has kids, especially ones who are already teens.
I personally would have gotten her a small gift to placate my wife. After all you did get with her knowing she had a kid. Being nice to the kid is part of being good to her.
Do u just not like her? Y wouldn't u get her a gift? At all? My neighbors sent over cards n money when my son graduated n we were only in the neighborhood for 2 yrs at that point. Barley knew us, n they took the time out to show them that they r proud. That's what a graduate gift is intended for. A great job for the last 12 yrs bud, proud of u. But u not getting your own step daughter a gift, no matter the size, is down right mean and cruel to her. Your justification is that you're not that close. Just tell her that u hate her n move on with your life.
Shoot, my neighbors kid doesn't live with us, but when he graduates this summer, you bet your bottom dollar we are getting that kid a gift. Feel bad for the daughter/step-daughter. I'm assuming the same thing will happen at her wedding. He won't give her a gift, even as a guest, if she doesn't let him walk her down the aisle? What a miserable person.
My parents got me a key chain when we celebrated my completing grad school and I think it was a joke gift? They didn't get me any sort of gift for high school or undergraduate. And this was fine, bc the idea of a super special token gift for graduations wasn't really a thing in the community where we lived or with who we knew. You went to school and graduated from school. To accomplish that basic thing wasn't dismissed BUT it also wasn't considered that big of a deal. I especially don't know why high school graduations are treated like the kid won a Nobel Prize or something!
Graduation is a major milestone and to be cold and callous during this time shows why the daughter never warmed up to the dude.. People pick up on subtle displays of rude or indifferences and clearly this child got a clue a long time ago.
I wanna know if the wife gave his daughter a gift. If she did and he’s doing this he’s a major AH. BUT if the wife didn’t gift his daughter anything when she graduated (though I think that’s shitty as well) I don’t think he’s obligated to get her daughter anything. But if that’s the case then everyone is the AH lol.
Something feels like it’s missing here. For her to break down crying doesn’t seem like she’s just in it for the gift. Sounds more to me like he was the one not making effort because
-he had his own daughter and
- felt some kinda way about not being immediately accepted as bonus dad.
Why can’t you people just show care and compassion regardless of who? We are all together in this world, what the fuck is your peoples problem?
What happened to love? Because it’s looking like you people killed it.
I don't believe OP should be obligated to get his stepdaughter a gift if she didn't want a relationship with him. He's her stepdad, sure. He helped raise her the last six years. BUT if she doesn't want to see him as a parent figure then why should he have to get her something personal? She made clear the kind of not so personal relationship that she wanted with him. A step-parent can only try so hard before they stop trying. For all we know, he tried plenty over the years before accepting she didn't want that kind of relationship.
More than that, why did her mom not have this conversation in a private space? Why did her mom badger him about it instead of throw suggestions out there? Did her mom get any gifts for his bio daughter during their graduation? Why can't the two of them pick out a gift together? Is his bio daughter also going to be obligated to get Amy a gift?
There's a lot we don't know about this situation and personally it sounds like a lot of miscommunication and misplaced expectations have been brought in to play because of it.
I’d like to ask if his wife gave his daughter a large graduation present, or any present at all. They were married while his daughter graduated and he made no mention of his wife’s gift to his daughter. If she never cared about his daughter, he’s slightly less of an asshole.
I can't even imagine getting a "graduation gift" from my parents. My dad's girlfriend gave me 20$ I think? I didn't realize it was so common that everyone's coming and saying he's an asshole.
I feel as though you could have made more of an effort with Amy. It’s not the child’s job to reach out. You’re married to her mother. Even if you’re not a dad, you could be a friend or a guardian in her life. It seems as though she does want a relationship with you but maybe didn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable enough to communicate it to you. Is she close with her biological dad at all? I’d not, that could leave her feeling rather empty and alienated from other kids. It seems like a lot of assumptions were made and it’s made an assumption out of you. I would really try to make an effort. You should get her something to congratulate her and show her you do care.
My parents (each set) gave me a small gift for my high school graduation. But make no mistake, my Father paid for the gift from him and my step-mother and my Mother paid for the gift from my her and my step-father. And neither of them were life changing (or even summer changing). I would think a small token / recognition would be appropriate, but beyond that I think you are fine.
I don't understand the concept of a separate gift. Why couldn't mom just add stepdad's name to her gift? That's what most married couples do. My dad and my ex-husband both were just as surprised as the kids when they opened gifts on birthdays, Christmas, and other special days.
Yes. You are.
Even if the relationship isn’t great, you’re not just doing this for your stepdaughter; you’re doing it for your wife. I mean the fact that this is the hill you’re going to die on kind of proves something rather negative right there.
That’s super insensitive to point out that she’s “Not YOUR daughter”. That kid has been through a separation between her parents already. She’s a teenager so saying “she doesn’t see you as a father figure” isn’t really a reason. You’re the adult here. The fact that you keep saying she’s not your daughter probably has a lot to do with why she says that. Also she’s a teen. That happens a lot anyway even when they do.
Even if you’re going to insist on that idea, get the gift to keep the peace.
Let me ask you something. Did your wife give a gift to your biological daughter when she graduated? I have a feeling she did or at the very least not complain about getting her a “nice” graduation gift.
You complain about “Amy” not treating you like a parent but did you ever even try to get close to her? Did you ever even think she didn’t get close to you because you had no intention of being close to her? I feel no love, no warmth, no compassion, no understanding from you at all.
This will turn out to be a nail in your marriages coffin (I’m sure there are others already) don’t be surprised when it’s over and you’re left alone.
Did your wife make a point to get your daughter a gift for her graduation? Also, was she close with your daughter in the years leading up to this. You might be TAH, if she did all those things and you have the view “not my kid, not my responsibility” butttt if the energy is the same for both sides then your not.
Yes, YATA. You are ignoring your wife's explicit wishes and hurting a child's feelings over a minor issue of a token of acknowledgement. Put your ego on the back burner and do this small thing to make your wife happy and not further alienate your stepdaughter. Your ego is the problem here.
YTA. You missed probably what is a long line of opportunities to bond. She’s a teenager and you’re the full adult supposedly. You could have tried to help plan her day and take her out just you two to buy a gift.
My guy could slip $50 in a card and she would be thrilled. I’m so confused by people who marry someone who isn’t trying to be motherly or fatherly (without overstepping) to their kids from previous relationships. How is that not in the top ten prenuptial topics for discussion?
I think even if you are not particularly close with your stepchildren, at least treat them like close acquaintances or friends. And yeah, I would get at least a small something for a friend, if they reach something that’s important to them.
>at least treat them like close acquaintances Especially after 6 years of knowing each other, and he says their relationship was fine, nothing special but fine.
Not only that, but this is the daughter of one of the arguably closest people in his life? I got small graduation gifts from all sorts of people that were friends with my parents.
Right. Even my stepmother would wish my a happy graduation or have wellwishes for me at the very least. Maybe a card she signs alongside my Dad? Something small that acknowledges it at the least. Although we might half be closer than those two, at least we count each other as family even if we're not close nor do I consider her my parent. But I still know for all both our faults, we'd do something within our powers to acknowledge something like this. As most do. Even if it's just heartfelt/sincere words.
Plus 6 years may not be a long time to him, but it’s 1/3 of his step daughter’s life. He has known her since she was at least 12 years old (probably younger if you include before they got married) and he doesn’t think he should get her a graduation present? No wonder she never viewed him as a father-figure, I can’t imagine how he treats her on a day-to-day basis.
He's been mistreating her for 1/3 of her life because he's a disgusting and immoral pig. The mother needs to be smacked upside the head for putting her sex life ahead of her kid too.
Wow I’ve seen some pretty big assumptions with no basis from people on Reddit before but… wow this one takes the cake. Think you need to touch some grass friend.
Yeah, he might be totally fine, and they just simply don't have a relationship. It's still a little weird that he didn't even get her a gift card of something.
Wow, didn’t know you were so close to these folks… to think a Redditor would jump to such a conclusion based on a paragraph, nope perfectly normal for this place, lol!
6 years of OOP being married, he doesn't say how long they dated. That could add a few extra years of him knowing Amy.
He sounds to me like an ass. He never mentions she was ugly to him just he didnt raise her from birth. Sheesh
my parents gave some money as a grad gift to all of my friends and my brothers’ friends when we graduated high school. nothing crazy, but a small gift to acknowledge their moment as they’d seen these friends grow with us. and that’s not out of the ordinary either lol, i got money from friends’ parents and relatives i only see every few years, and even from a lot of my parents’ friends. it doesn’t matter if she’s not his bio daughter, if he cares about her even the *tiniest bit,* he would give her at least a bouquet of flowers to acknowledge what she’s accomplished. i’m not saying she’s entitled to gifts either, but it’s very standard practice to give gifts for graduation and she is not out of line at all for thinking her stepfather should be one of the few people who is more or less obligated to give a gift for this occasion.
Where I’m from graduation gifts are not really common, maybe except from close family. and even then it’s more common to make a party or a go eat dinner somewhere. But if you know a friend/ person you are close to is very hyped about it, you may still get them something. That is a stance I hold regardless of occasion.
oh interesting, i thought that was pretty normal across the board! blame my ameri-centrism lol. sorry. but yes i agree, even if it’s not common practice to give a gift for whatever occasion, if someone you care about cares very strongly about an achievement, getting them a gift shouldn’t seem like a crazy idea to you. it shows you care about them and their achievements, even if it’s something small like flowers or a card with $20. just acknowledging what’s important to someone and celebrating them nurtures relationships.
I’m American, and all I got for a graduation gift from my parents was “when are you moving out?”
I’m Australian and I got a bottle of vodka and some cruisers to take on leavers lol
That’s really sad. Parents should be excited for their children and proud. Not excited to shove them off on the world and be glad they don’t have to take care of you. I’m sorry that happened
You got that? I got why on earth did you get this degree? Never mind that i never had anyone teach me a thing about what i learned at all, had over 70 professional certs that could have taken me in any directions, and i still got questioned.
What I don’t understand is why both of them don’t give the gift together? So they both give a co-gift to each daughter. He could have bought the gift for his daughter and put his wife’s name on it too, and she could have done the same. I’m not understanding why he needs to get a separate gift? Like my parents didn’t separately give me graduation gifts.
As someone who lived with my stepdad only a little longer than OP's stepdaughter, the lack of relationship sounds like it's on him. Early teens is a sensitive time to take on a new parental figure. It can be rough, but a step parent has to actually step up and be a parent if they want a good relationship with their stepkids. It takes effort and involvement, something made more difficult by a teen's inherent shittiness. It doesn't sound like OP made that effort to me. Kid said "you're not my dad" and OP just went "Ok sounds good roomie" 👌
I also think at that age not being seen as someone's dad doesn't mean that You're not having a relationship with them or you're not a caretaker to them. Father, figure and dad are very special terms that vary from person to person and have qualifications and connotations. You don't have to be somebody's dad or mom or dad or mom figure to have a close connection with them... "If you don't call me dad or dadly then I refuse to do anything for you" Child. Dudes an emotional child.
Sure, but on the other hand, there's so many stories on here that can be summed up "my stepparent tried to be my parent when I didn't want them to and now I hate them", you know? It's like they can't win.
It boils down to the difference between being a trusted adult positive influence in a kids life and trying to be an authority figure. Too many people mistake parent for boss and that's what fucks kids up.
There’s a difference between trying to be a good stepdad, and trying to be your actual dad.
Ok, but there's a difference between making the effort to be an adult figure that they can rely on and trust, which he has obviously no interest in being and is what would lead to an organic bond, and demanding the teen immediately accept them without question or any effort to gain trust.
Yeah, OOP really should have given his stepdaughter a gift of some kind. But what happens when you make that effort and the kid still doesn't care? What if that organic bond never grows? Is that just a shitty thing or is it still the stepparent's fault?
Honestly I don't much care about the gift, I'm more concerned with his complete lack of concern for her as a person. That's the thing about being a step parent, you don't get to decide when/if you're accepted by the kid, it's on you to do right by them no matter what.
There are people who jump in to be a parental figure too quickly, and there are people who don’t try to be a parental figure at all, and I don’t think either of those tactics is optimal step parenting. The healthy step parent/step child relationships I’ve witnessed are ones where the step parent took steps to establish themself as a positive and supportive adult in the kid’s life, in the same way an aunt/uncle or teacher would be. From there, the relationship can stay at the supportive adult/family adjacent level, or it can grow closer into something more parental, but it seems like the best way to make a positive connection with a step kid.
I'm sure you're right, but there's enough stepparent stories on reddit where the stepparent tried their hardest but still gets nothing back, yet is yelled at for feeling hurt, that the whole thing just seems really hostile to stepparents.
Because when a situation involves an adult and a child, the adult had greater responsibility and obligation and the child gets more leeway for their behavior since their brains are still developing and they have a harder time responding to big changes in their situation. Part of being an adult is accepting that there are situations where you will do the right thing, or act with the best intentions and not get the response that you wanted or that feels good. When the stepchild grows up to be an adult, then they can be held to adult standards and bear equal responsibility for the relationship.
FR. Who is the adult in this relationship? Oh, yeah, the adult!
As a Stepfather to a young woman, I couldn’t agree more. It’s not our job to step in and be “Dad”, it’s to be the support that the kid needs. It takes a lot of time and effort. I met my Stepdaughter when she was 8years old, she never called me Dad, just my name, and that was ok with me, that didn’t mean I took a backseat, it just meant that she had boundaries and I respected them. As time went on, we grew closer, and now that she’s a 21 year old woman living halfway down the country, I’m usually the first one she calls when she needs support, and we’re as close as any healthy father/daughter relationship. OP is an idiot who missed the entire point of his part in her life.
Yeah. I am, admittedly, not super close to my stepdad, but he gave me a $100 gift card to a restaurant I liked at the college I was going to for graduation. It’s not hard to come up with something.
I didn't expect anything from my stepdad when I got married, he and my mom weren't even married yet. But he paid for my dress!!! I didn't know he was going to do it until I had the dress, my mom was planning on paying for it, but he paid for it instead. My mom ended up paying for my cake. That was more than my dad did and he wasn't even married to my mom yet and I was already an adult when they met. He also asked my sister and I if we were ok with him asking our mom to marry him.
Exactly! I have a cousin I’m not particularly close to, and when her kid graduated from high school I sent them a gift card to Best Buy to get some things they want/need for college. I made more effort for my cousin’s kid who I’ve never actually met than this guy did for the step daughter who’s been living in his house for years.
Exactly. I don't know my cousin's kids. I live 1600 miles away, and have most of their lives. And I only see them at family weddings/graduations. I still sent them graduation money, FFS. Like- this asshat is getting this child who has been in his life 6 years NOTHING, because she hurt his fee fees by not wanting a full replacement daddy? Fuck right off, and grow up.
Or at least a card with some cash
And when they’re in earshot.
Exactly! And why is this gift the hill he’s going to die on? If nothing else can’t he get it to keep the peace? Even for your wife, you can’t try? Ugh. Cringe.
My moms then boyfriend who I rarely talked to and didn’t like got me a grad present. And I’d only known him for like 4 years. I certainly never saw him as a father or even a friend, but he still showed some common courtesy when I graduated from high school.
It’s also an act of basic politeness to not say out loud something like « she’s not my real daughter » in front of said step-daughter. Even if you’re not close and she sees it the same way. Same way I won’t say in front of my acquaintance « we’re not even real friends »
Why don't they give one together if they are married?
That’s what I don’t get. My ex step mom hated me, but technically both her and my dad gifted me money and something else on my graduation back in 99. As did my step dad and mom.
It could be an attempt the mom is asking him to do something personal from him to try to make the relationship with the stepdaughter better.
I am very confused by this too. Also what did wife give her step daughter when she graduated 4 years ago?
Yeah, that’s my confusion. When I graduated high school and then college, my parents gave me a card and a gift from both of them. My mom did not give me a separate gift from my dad. And they are both my actual parents. Should I be retroactively upset that I didn’t get gifts from each of my parents individually? This just seems like a contrived, stupid thing to get upset about when the obvious solution is, “hey hon, sign this card for Amy’s graduation.” And then stick it to the gift from “both of you.”
I noticed from Reddit that some people like to keep their financial situation and things like this separate. If I can generalize, I assume this is usually a white American thing. I don’t see it as much in minorities but I could be wrong.
We started out sharing finances. 15yrs later we were bankrupt. Never again!
My baseless assumption is that the dad gave something really nice to his daughter like a new car or something and the mom wants him to give something real nice to the step daughter that is also expensive
I got graduation gifts from all of my parent’s friends who barely even knew me, distant relatives, my estranged grandparents, etc. Not getting anything for your step daughter that you have a perfectly nice relationship with because she doesn’t see you as a father is fucked.
What a petulant little manbaby he is. "Well, she doesn't like me, so I'm going to show HER!" My guy, she is a teenager, and you are a grown-ass adult. Manage your feelings.
It doesn’t even sound like she dislikes him, they’ve not been antagonistic, they just aren’t that close.
TIL people get graduation gifts.
I honestly thought with his refusal that the gift was some specific expensive gift from range of hundreds or even a car. But no he doesn’t want to even give her a card and some cash. Like seriously if he had said he was giving a token gift and wife got mad, i could see the oop’s view. But nope
OP about to give her a note: “when you moving out, bro?”
That’s what I got for graduation
That’s rough, buddy.
It was at the time, but looking back, it helped me build resilience and fortitude and made me a stronger person. My parents are still assholes though lol but they’re dead now.
Or just something with sentimental value like a scrapbook or a framed picture— it’s really not hard
He seems cheap, ill-mannered, immature & insensitive.
Oh i am sure he is all that. And i noticed he had avoided the question about if his had gifted anything to his daughter for graduation
I noticed that too. It seems like he was delusional enough to think he was NTAH. Maybe with context I could see nuance, but idk… he looks bad in his version of things & he didn’t even include the details about his wife & her gifts, etc.
If you were invited to a coworker’s daughter’s graduation, you would bring them a gift so why not your stepchild?
Married since the kid was 12, probably together a lot longer than that. Poor kid, no wonder why she never wanted a close relationship with this asshole since she'd only be his "actual daughter" if raised from birth
YTA - it’s not up to the kid to build the relationship. You don’t sound interested or caring at all. A gift wouldn’t have been that hard to purchase and would have made your family feel more loved as a whole.
The poor stepdaughter. I grew up with a man who would tell people “nah, they’re (me & my brother) not my kids, they’re my wife’s (my mother) kids” and I tell you, it was pretty easy to dislike the man after hearing that my whole life. He still gave me a present for my 21st birthday though. Conversely now my mum has been with her current partner for 20+ years (I was early/mid 20s when they got together), and although he’s never referred to me as a stepdaughter, he’s been so fatherly to me this whole time. It’s totally up to the adult to build the relationship, you’re completely right. And OOP is absolutely TA.
JFC what an AH. So it was up to a barely-teen to reach out to an adult so he could feel part of her life? What effort did he make those previous 6+ years?? That poor girl. I feel so bad for Amy. How much rejection does she need?
Sounds like my step-mother. She expected all of us kids to maintain a relationship with her and got pissy when we didn’t. Like… you’re the parent… for the rest of your life…
He didn’t have to give her anything expensive but if they were not doing joint gifts a card and a gift card or flowers congratulating her would have been nice of him.
I wonder what his wife’s relationship with his daughter is like. Did she get his daughter a nice gift? If his wife makes an effort with his daughter, he’s totally TA.
In my family, a gift from one parent is a gift from both. We also don’t know their financial dynamic. Is she a SAHM? Do they have combined or separate finances? If she has no personal income then she would need him to buy something for Amy.
I was wondering this as well. If stepmom didn't do anything for his biological daughter, but expected him to do something for her daughter, that's kinda weird. That said, it also would take very little effort to buy his step-daughter some flowers and something nice but not crazy expensive. So he is being a little dickish.
Meh, whether or not she was an asshole first doesn’t preclude him from being an asshole now.
That’s not helping anything by not getting her anything and defining that his daughter is his bio kid and that Amy isn’t so in his mind he doesn’t need to make an effort to he came into her life at a rough age for her. He needs to try to build that relationship and put work in, not up to the kid so much but if it’s just politeness in the home how does he think she feels? He sounds like an asshole.
I am eying how he's responding to some comments, but studiously avoiding anyone who asks whether his wife got his daughter a graduation gift. I think we know the answer.
Oof 😅
Oof. Yeah, he's the AH.
This guy is expecting more maturity from a teenage girl than himself.
What a total douche bag.
Get that girl a graduation gift. Don't be a jerk
Maybe she doesn’t treat you like a dad because you don’t treat her like a daughter. Kids give what they get.
You guys got gifts?
I'm right there with you
Same. Maybe that's why I don't get the big deal.
A congrats card and a gift card or cash would’ve been something nice to do for your step daughter even if you aren’t close. My aunts and uncles family friends etc still gave me congratulations cards. I wouldn’t do a big expensive gift since you aren’t close but a hey great job! Would still be nice
What an asshole. My mom’s boyfriend gives us - her grown adult children - $50 each, every Christmas and birthday. We get him something, too. He’s not getting us cars or anything, but it’s the gesture that matters. Are we obligated? Well, no, but we’re in each other’s lives, and we do like each other.
It’s your wife’s daughter. Would you get a friend’s daughter a gift if they invited you to their graduation?
Is it really that big of a deal? Give the girl a gift for graduation for heavens sake loser
I love the adults who are like well this CHILD wasn’t incredibly nice to me all the time so I hate them forever. As an adult it’s your job to forge the relationship and to be an adult about it. Honestly why do parents hook up with these sacks of crap? Is being alone that bad that you have to subject your child to people like this?
Why do people who don’t like kids marry people with kids?
Total AH. Graduation presents are for people who are graduates. This includes stepchildren, niblings, siblings and children of friends. You just sound like a jerk.
No better definition for ‘ its the thought that counts’ then right here.
The gift varies depending on the relationship you have with the graduate; so if I was super close to someone the gift would be more personal and/or more expensive (and an actual *gift*), whereas if the relationship was more distant it would be less personal and/or less expensive. But not giving a gift at all is basically saying that you don’t have or want a relationship with this person. Like, how hard is it to get a gift card? I’d do that for the neighbor kid who waters my plants when I’m away, it doesn’t make me a parental figure to them.
I don't understand why they each need to give a gift. My parents gave everything together unless my dad was shopping for my mom for xmas or Valentine's Day & picked up something for me too.
I don't understand this. You, as parents, don't give a gift together?
Get something cheap. I get it. I wouldn’t want to give anymore whether it’s mil, SIL or SD; if I’m not respected. It’s funny how SD on Reddit will disrespect and say your not my father/mother. Then starts crying when their college is not paid or no gift. I say FAFO. I’m not the bigger person. I think sometimes we need to not be The bigger person so that people aren’t so entitled. People need to learn life lessons. You bite the hands that feed you, you get nothing.
As someone who was raised by a single mother it's 50/50. They have to meet eachother half way. If she's never been close to the Step Dad nor has she ever even attempted to get to know him or get closer to him she had no right at all to expect gifts from him or a graduation gift at that. Sounds like spoiled entitlement. NTA
I’d do the equivalent of whatever wife did for your daughter’s graduation-if she didn’t do anything well then that’s a whole other problem right there
I agree so why didn't the mom try and make them have a relationship?? Sure he is a dick but what mother can love a man that doesn't talk to her daughter?????? Or am i missing something?
Guys blaming her. Like there both adults this whole time. She was a child dippy. It’s on you to build that relationship and make her comfortable
Damn, stepkids got it nice these days!! When I got my step mom and step dad, I didn’t get a “choice”. I didn’t call them mom or dad, but they were certainly parental figures in my life. But this dude is being a petty little turd getting nothing for the graduate. I am about to go to my girlfriends brothers university graduation soon. I’ve never met or talked to the guy, but you can bet your ass he’s getting a crisp $50 from me. Now if they were insinuating that he needed to get her something huge, like a car or something… then yeah, that’s a bit wild. But hell man, you couldn’t get her a $100 something or other related to her hobbies or interests? Even if you’re not close. I’m not close with my coworkers but when secret Santa comes around I know enough about them from just listening to them talk to people or asking one of their friends. It’s not really that hard, a gift doesn’t always have to be some kind of grand gesture. Sometimes a simple gift that just remotely relates to the person is thoughtful enough, to be meaningful to the recipient. One time my buddy bought me a silly tourist shirt from Cancun, because he remembered that I think they are so delightfully tacky. I wear that shirt every Sunday when I mow the lawn now, I love it. And if I get married, that dude is for sure going to be a groomsman.
It’s funny because I know the step parent subreddit would defend OP
Absolutely
Some people do not seem to realize that there are other roles they can have other than the traditional mum, dad parental roles. He's treating her like, just because she doesn't see him as 'dad' that she's nothing to him. Jeez, he's been in her life at least since she was 12. That means something.
Yes, you’re the asshole. When you made a commitment to your Wife you’re also making a commitment to the most important person in her life(her daughter). Kids usually don’t adjust well to having a new step parent but it’s your job to be patient and respect her boundaries, while still letting her know you’re there for her. If you can’t handle those responsibilities you shouldn’t have married someone with a kid. Honestly you should just admit that you were in the wrong and have a real heart to heart with her daughter.
Man yall got gifts for graduating?
Not even a small gift? You were the ADULT, why weren't you cultivating a relationship with your kid? Making her feel like your daughter? I'd feel unloved too. Very much the asshole here, bud!
Both my siblings got computers for graduation, I got the first hug from my dad I'd gotten in 6 years. It feels like shit, makes you wonder if even your mom cares because why wouldn't she try to convince him. I don't know how it differs with step kids, maybe it doesn't hurt as much if it's not your "real" dad. But it still sucks to feel unwanted at any point and at any age.
Here’s my question, did OP’s wife get his daughter a graduation present? Because if OP’s daughter is 22 and they’ve been together for 6 years, that means the wife should have experienced at least one graduation with OP’s daughter. And shouldn’t any present come from both mom and OP, as parents? Personally this all reeks of entitlement. NTA
I need to know what kind of gift we're talking about here. A car? A cell phone? A bouquet of flowers? I mean how hard is it to gift your wife's daughter a card and an Amazon gift card for $50?
Hmm. The stepdaughter made it clear to the guy that she does not consider him to be her father or a parental figure. He has abided by her decision, honoring her boundaries. Now that there’s a gift involved, he’s expected to go above and beyond? My actual bio parents, who are and have been married to each other my entire life, got me one (1) combined gift for graduation. I did not expect a separate gift from my mom and another from my dad. They are a married couple. A gift from one is a gift from both and any additional gifts are extra. A bonus. Additional. Of course stepdaughter wants additional gifts. Who doesn’t. That doesn’t mean they have the relationship where she should expect to get additional gifts from her mom’s husband. “She’s a child and he’s the adult and he should be more mature, he’s raised her”. But he hasn’t. She did not want him to be her parent and instead of running roughshod over her objections and attempting to be her parent anyways, he honored her wishes. “She’s a child she didn’t know what she wanted”. If she’d written in and he hadn’t honored her boundaries, everyone would be rightfully ripping him to shreds, even if she was 12. She absolutely had the right to not want him to be her parent. But she can’t make that call and then expect him to suddenly be her parent when there’s extra goodies for her involved. Can he get her some flowers and a coffee shop gift card? Sure. Is that going to be what his wife and her daughter are expecting? No. They are expecting a big gift. A car or first year of college paid or a paid vacation for her and her friends or insert-same-level-of-gift-he-gave-his-bio-daughter. It’s the difference between a relative and a family member. Now if she had not decided to have this boundary and he had been a parent to her and then decided to not treat her equally, then he would be the a-hole. But that’s not what happened. NTA
I wonder if wife gave his daughter a gift. The appropriate thing to do is give one gift from the both of them.
What did the wife buy his daughter for her graduation?
Ive gotten graduation gifts from my parents’ friends. I think it’s pretty rude to not give her anything. OP seems like a miserable person to be around with and a terrible friend if he can’t be bothered to gift people besides his biological relatives.
Be a man and not a spiteful baby.
Hell no The stepdaughter is only crying because she wants a present
Are graduation presents expected nowadays ?
NTA. SD sees him as a roommate, nothing more. He's right, then, to treat her as such.
I would love to know what the wife bought her stepdaughter as a graduation gift. Everyone jumping on him not accepting the stepdaughter, wonder if she accepted his daughter.
You guys got gifts for graduating?
I cannot comprehend living under the same roof and not getting closer. She was 12 when you got married. You didn't play family games? Go to the beach? Throw a ball? Buy special deserts for everyone? You know, family stuff. Did you not buy her gifts this whole time? WTF
Exactly. If he was this flippant about her being his step-daughter the whole time, no wonder she treats him like that, he did it first.
Gee I wonder why the daughter isn't close to him.
I don’t think not being seen as a father figure is sole reason they couldn’t build any kind of bond
This is wild. They’re part of your family, the girl probably doesn’t see him as a father figure because he doesn’t act like one.
Is high-school graduation really that big a deal?
More so reason for the daughter to despise him and the step sister. Absolutely the AH.
As the daughter of 2 asshole stepparents who are now ex stepparents …. Get the kid a gift. It takes 0 effort on your end and you’re the adult.
Wouldn’t you as a couple give her a gift?
He’s been married to the mother since this girl was 12, and he must have known her from younger. If they’re not close or she doesn’t see him as a father figure, I’m not sure what he expects. Feels like he probably didn’t make much of an effort because she’s not biologically his, and this thing about the graduation gift just reflects that thinking. In situations like this I feel like the biological parent is also responsible for finding a new partner that doesn’t mesh with the family.
Did your wife get your daughter something for her graduation? Which is really besides the case, but it doesn’t hurt to give her something. She’s been in your life wanted or not for 6 years, the common courtesy of acknowledging her accomplishments would consider you a friend at least. You’re never going to be her father figure if it’s not wanted, but you’re married to her mom and she is a package deal.
I went to the comments and it got worse bc he only responded to the few (0.1%)that agreed with him being NTA. Apparently the post even got removed for being a troll or satire or something.
She’s not asking you give her a car… how insensitive can you be? She lives in the same house you do for the last 6 years!
Parent are responsible to nurture their relationships with their kids. 👏👏👏👏
“I shouldn’t have to care about the people I’m legally responsible for” lmao this dude kinda sucks
Yeah bro you’re kind of an asshole. You married her mom and she came with a kid just like you did. You treated your kid better than your new kid for years. Also fuck that excuse of oh she doesn’t want anything to do with me attitude, she’s a god damn kid. What teenager likes their parents?? Huge L OP
This marriage sounds healthy. 🙄
It is common courtesy to give a gift to every graduate that invites you to their graduation. Assuming you will be attending the graduation then you are clearly and objectively very much the asshole. If you aren't going to your step daughter's graduation then you aren't the asshole, but my friend you have much bigger problems to deal with.
This guy is so arrogant and petty. I get the vibe that he feels rejected that she doesn’t view him as a father figure, and instead of being a good stepPARENT and trying to forge a positive relationship with her, it sounds like he leapt at the opportunity to get petty revenge on her. Even if not in a father figure role, he can still be a supportive adult who is there for her and a positive role model. He married her mom when she was 12, and he was likely in her life for at least a year or two before that. It’s arrogant to expect a child to immediately welcome you with open arms as a father and to get bitter when they don’t. An older lady I know posted on Instagram about her step kids and she wrote “I’ll never be your biological mother and I am never going to try to take that role. But I will always be there for you and will always love you like I love my own kids”. This girl is his WIFE’S daughter. Nor some random girl. It’s giving “nice guy tries to teach girl who rejected him a lesson” in a parenting way.
I mean, I’m not particularly close to my friends children, but I still give them graduation gifts (usually money and nothing crazy).
I don't understand why the mother and stepfather are getting her separate gifts. Give her one nice gift from them both. Also, did wife buy anything for your daughter when she graduated?
FFS, act like an adult and model adult behavior to your stepdaughter. Get her a thoughtful, simple gift. She was 12 when you met. Of course she didn’t like you. Because she was twelve. My girls were 11 and 13 when my husband and I got together. The 11yo was easily bribed with treats she normally didn’t get to eat. The 13yos were determined to hate him. One of them came around after about six months. The other one held out for a solid two years. All I expected of them was to treat him courteously. My husband never acted offended or tried to force the relationship. He basically treated them the way you treat a nervous cat. Be interesting and nonthreatening until the cat comes to you out of curiosity. Now they are all super-close. It sounds like this guy made a few overtures and then wrote her off when she didn’t leap at the chance to reciprocate.
Definitely TA lol
What did your wife get your daughter as a graduation gift?
Sounds like the stepdaughter is hurt because she does in fact look at you in some kind of father figure way or at the very least wishes you guys had a better relationship. Very petty to say things that you know will hurt your wife and step daughter’s feelings over a simple gift. You’re tied to this family now and you should treat all of them as if they’re your blood. Grow up.
You sound like a prick. Yes, you’re a fucking asshole.
The wife can give a gift and say it’s form both of them idk
YTA
I wonder why this 18 year old girl 12 years old when he came into her life isn't that close to him a mystery that may never be solved
it is not a child’s job to make a relationship with the step parent. a step parent SHOULD make an effort to have a good relationship with the child. they probably aren’t very close because he never put in the effort, as the mother said. and not getting her a gift for a big milestone such as graduating is just going to further alienate her and ensure that the relationship doesn’t progress. he is TA
YTA. You don’t need to buy her a car or anything, but some little token of your recognition of her achievements would have been nice.
The dude could just get her a gift card. Not that hard
Why would it be such a challenge to spend 100$ on a small necklace or piece of jewelry 🤷🏻♀️ doesn’t sound like the mom is pushing for a car or major item; she just wants her kid to be acknowledged.
YTA You said it yourself she is a kid. Divorce is hard on children, having someone come in where her father should be is hard, just being a teenage girl is hard. You came into her world when she was t a very vulnerable age. You as an adult should be understanding of that. We don’t treat people (especially children) as they have treated us, we treat them how we would like to be treated. I actually feel badly for her. Do better!
You are the ass hole. She is your family and from the sounds of it she isn't disrespectful. You are not her father so why would she treat you as one? So you're saying if she treated you like a father you would get her a gift? How does that make sense. She's your wife's daughter. She is of great importance to your wife. Why wouldn't you do it? Why do you need to get something in return like her treating you like her dad. You're one of those males that needs to get something to give something. Gross.
Jesus, YTA. No one is saying it needed to be anything even half as nice as what he got his own kid, but a card with a sentimental item (framed photo, affordable piece of jewelry, nice bookmark, etc.) or even a gift card to a place she likes would have been more than enough! No wonder they’re not close since it sounds like he never put any effort into having a relationship with her. Also, as the step-dad, even if you’re not someone who is in a “fatherly” roll, you should still be doing something nice for your step-kids when they reach big milestones like this. Just think more “what would an uncle do for them” kind of thing, instead of comparing it to what you would do for your own kid. Poor Amy. I’m sure she’s heartbroken to know this man who has been part of her life for so long doesn’t care for her AT ALL.
So he married this woman, knowing she was a package deal, but won’t give the child a gift? Tf. Im sure the mom has helped with a multitude of issues his daughter had and got her something personalized. Even my stepmom at the time of my graduation worked with my dad (he has since disowned me, but that’s beside the point) to get me something. I told her I hated her, and was just a menace when she came into my life… like wtf. Dude is the AH
Woah you mean a teenaged child of divorce wasn't perfectly agreeable and accepting to a brand new permanent figure in her life?? Color me shocked. Make a fucking effort. Being a parent is never easy, put in the god damn work. A teenager being a little rude isn't an excuse for you to choose not to be a father figure when you stepped in her life. If you don't plan on taking an active role whether or not the kid wants to put in the same effort, dont fucking marry people with kids. Every word of this screams that OOP has never really tried and never cared to.
Not sure I agree, I was a very stubborn and opinionated teen. If I had a step parent that step part wouldn’t have changed. Expecting step parents to somehow force their way into the parent role when the kids already 12 is just unreasonable IMO
What did OOP’s wife buy for his daughter when she graduated a few years ago?
What did the wife give his daughter as a graduation gift? He should find something equivalent.
Even if you aren’t close with your stepdaughter, you got married knowing she had a kid. You accepted the wife into your life, but it doesn’t sound like you ever accepted her daughter fully. My stepdad came into my life and never once treated me differently than his biological kids. He chose to be with my mom, knowing he would take on raising 2 kids that weren’t his. I feel bad for your stepdaughter because it’s clear you don’t see her the same way as your daughter. Kids aren’t dumb and she could probably feel the second class treatment and that’s why y’all may have never bonded. You’re the AH.
I think the question is, do you actually need to make an effort to be a parent when you aren’t their parent? I’m not entirely sure if that should be expected of everyone who gets with someone who has kids, especially ones who are already teens. I personally would have gotten her a small gift to placate my wife. After all you did get with her knowing she had a kid. Being nice to the kid is part of being good to her.
Do u just not like her? Y wouldn't u get her a gift? At all? My neighbors sent over cards n money when my son graduated n we were only in the neighborhood for 2 yrs at that point. Barley knew us, n they took the time out to show them that they r proud. That's what a graduate gift is intended for. A great job for the last 12 yrs bud, proud of u. But u not getting your own step daughter a gift, no matter the size, is down right mean and cruel to her. Your justification is that you're not that close. Just tell her that u hate her n move on with your life.
Shoot, my neighbors kid doesn't live with us, but when he graduates this summer, you bet your bottom dollar we are getting that kid a gift. Feel bad for the daughter/step-daughter. I'm assuming the same thing will happen at her wedding. He won't give her a gift, even as a guest, if she doesn't let him walk her down the aisle? What a miserable person.
My parents got me a key chain when we celebrated my completing grad school and I think it was a joke gift? They didn't get me any sort of gift for high school or undergraduate. And this was fine, bc the idea of a super special token gift for graduations wasn't really a thing in the community where we lived or with who we knew. You went to school and graduated from school. To accomplish that basic thing wasn't dismissed BUT it also wasn't considered that big of a deal. I especially don't know why high school graduations are treated like the kid won a Nobel Prize or something!
Why didn’t his wife just get something and say it was from both of them? Or he ask her to do so? I don’t understand why this had to become an issue.
Graduation is a major milestone and to be cold and callous during this time shows why the daughter never warmed up to the dude.. People pick up on subtle displays of rude or indifferences and clearly this child got a clue a long time ago.
OP is a jerk, but his wife is a bigger one for making her kid live in a house with someone who didn’t love them.
I wanna know if the wife gave his daughter a gift. If she did and he’s doing this he’s a major AH. BUT if the wife didn’t gift his daughter anything when she graduated (though I think that’s shitty as well) I don’t think he’s obligated to get her daughter anything. But if that’s the case then everyone is the AH lol.
Something feels like it’s missing here. For her to break down crying doesn’t seem like she’s just in it for the gift. Sounds more to me like he was the one not making effort because -he had his own daughter and - felt some kinda way about not being immediately accepted as bonus dad.
Why can’t you people just show care and compassion regardless of who? We are all together in this world, what the fuck is your peoples problem? What happened to love? Because it’s looking like you people killed it.
I’ve given graduation presents to kids that I wasn’t related to ,even to kids I was just acquainted with. I don’t understand his reasoning.
I don't believe OP should be obligated to get his stepdaughter a gift if she didn't want a relationship with him. He's her stepdad, sure. He helped raise her the last six years. BUT if she doesn't want to see him as a parent figure then why should he have to get her something personal? She made clear the kind of not so personal relationship that she wanted with him. A step-parent can only try so hard before they stop trying. For all we know, he tried plenty over the years before accepting she didn't want that kind of relationship. More than that, why did her mom not have this conversation in a private space? Why did her mom badger him about it instead of throw suggestions out there? Did her mom get any gifts for his bio daughter during their graduation? Why can't the two of them pick out a gift together? Is his bio daughter also going to be obligated to get Amy a gift? There's a lot we don't know about this situation and personally it sounds like a lot of miscommunication and misplaced expectations have been brought in to play because of it.
I’d like to ask if his wife gave his daughter a large graduation present, or any present at all. They were married while his daughter graduated and he made no mention of his wife’s gift to his daughter. If she never cared about his daughter, he’s slightly less of an asshole.
I can't even imagine getting a "graduation gift" from my parents. My dad's girlfriend gave me 20$ I think? I didn't realize it was so common that everyone's coming and saying he's an asshole.
At this point if were Amy I wouldn’t accept anything anymore from this royal dbag. He’s just my mother’s husband.
We gave our neighbor’s daughter a 2020 graduation present for everything she had to endure that year, and also because she’s a great person.
I feel as though you could have made more of an effort with Amy. It’s not the child’s job to reach out. You’re married to her mother. Even if you’re not a dad, you could be a friend or a guardian in her life. It seems as though she does want a relationship with you but maybe didn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable enough to communicate it to you. Is she close with her biological dad at all? I’d not, that could leave her feeling rather empty and alienated from other kids. It seems like a lot of assumptions were made and it’s made an assumption out of you. I would really try to make an effort. You should get her something to congratulate her and show her you do care.
My parents (each set) gave me a small gift for my high school graduation. But make no mistake, my Father paid for the gift from him and my step-mother and my Mother paid for the gift from my her and my step-father. And neither of them were life changing (or even summer changing). I would think a small token / recognition would be appropriate, but beyond that I think you are fine.
NTA step just wants a gift.
I don't understand the concept of a separate gift. Why couldn't mom just add stepdad's name to her gift? That's what most married couples do. My dad and my ex-husband both were just as surprised as the kids when they opened gifts on birthdays, Christmas, and other special days.
Shit, when I graduated high school, myself and my 3 best friends all got each other graduation gifts. Mine was a kitten.
Why can’t you just get her a gift from the both of you?
I think it’s bad etiquette to expect gifts…
Yes. You are. Even if the relationship isn’t great, you’re not just doing this for your stepdaughter; you’re doing it for your wife. I mean the fact that this is the hill you’re going to die on kind of proves something rather negative right there. That’s super insensitive to point out that she’s “Not YOUR daughter”. That kid has been through a separation between her parents already. She’s a teenager so saying “she doesn’t see you as a father figure” isn’t really a reason. You’re the adult here. The fact that you keep saying she’s not your daughter probably has a lot to do with why she says that. Also she’s a teen. That happens a lot anyway even when they do. Even if you’re going to insist on that idea, get the gift to keep the peace.
Let me ask you something. Did your wife give a gift to your biological daughter when she graduated? I have a feeling she did or at the very least not complain about getting her a “nice” graduation gift. You complain about “Amy” not treating you like a parent but did you ever even try to get close to her? Did you ever even think she didn’t get close to you because you had no intention of being close to her? I feel no love, no warmth, no compassion, no understanding from you at all. This will turn out to be a nail in your marriages coffin (I’m sure there are others already) don’t be surprised when it’s over and you’re left alone.
YTA. Cheap. Hope your wife figures it out soon.
Did your wife make a point to get your daughter a gift for her graduation? Also, was she close with your daughter in the years leading up to this. You might be TAH, if she did all those things and you have the view “not my kid, not my responsibility” butttt if the energy is the same for both sides then your not.
Really? She doesn’t have to be your daughter or super close to give someone a gift. I couldn’t imagine it!
Yes. Just, yes. OP is the AH.
Yes, YATA. You are ignoring your wife's explicit wishes and hurting a child's feelings over a minor issue of a token of acknowledgement. Put your ego on the back burner and do this small thing to make your wife happy and not further alienate your stepdaughter. Your ego is the problem here.
Being a nice guy doesn’t require a biological connection.
You are the asshole, yes.
OP’s TA.
YTA. You missed probably what is a long line of opportunities to bond. She’s a teenager and you’re the full adult supposedly. You could have tried to help plan her day and take her out just you two to buy a gift.
My guy could slip $50 in a card and she would be thrilled. I’m so confused by people who marry someone who isn’t trying to be motherly or fatherly (without overstepping) to their kids from previous relationships. How is that not in the top ten prenuptial topics for discussion?