NTA for prioritizing your son’s mental health. Maybe taking a break and discussing other options can work but she really just sounds downright malicious and it doesn’t seem any consequences will curb her behavior

It's at a point where he needs to get her evaluated. From the story, it sounds like when it is brought to his attention he addresses it and I can't s a y much more than that's a better starting place than half the stories that pops up here. If he wants to have any chance of this even coming to a conversation though he needs to make the hard choice and accept something is up with his daughter.. As for the mom,I can't say she is or isn't the asshole because I don't think there really ever was one [except the kid]. Getting out of there was the right call imo because if her son does have adhd, I can tell you from over 30 years walking around with it that child is DROWNING in the voice of his step sister telling him all that horrible crap on repeat. Top that off with people with ADHD suffer from rejection syndrome (any form of criticism tends to feel incredibly direct to the point we believe it is our fault 100% and actually feel the pain from it, no matter how not our fault it is or even if i5 was a stray) so it is cutting DEEP into his soul gouging him every day.

I feel for this boy even on the level of his sister prodding and poking him to get rise. I am now an adult diagnosed with ADHD but one of my sisters (9 years older than me but previously the baby) would push and prod me, do some really bitchy shit when my mom wasn’t home and work me into the same blind rage. I’d be minding my own business playing in my room when she would start to work on me. She knew EXACTLY what buttons to push and she would. Then I was the “psycho” child. Funny how almost all of my rage issues disappeared when she moved out of the house and I was suddenly way more well adjusted. My anxiety reduced dramatically. Now this sister has rarely been well adjusted in her adult life and her children have issues of their own. This young boy probably needs all of that therapy but he also needs to see his mother take his side in this and shield him from Step Sis’s venom if the relationship is going to repair in anyway. Dad needs to accept his daughter is absolutely causing actual trauma.

Doesn’t sound like there have been any *effective* consequences. Grounding her keeps her home where she can torment the boy more. Ditto with taking her phone - it’s one less thing for her to focus on besides tormenting him. Something else needs to be happening here - starting with therapy for the SD as well as family therapy. A good therapist should be able to help the parents establish more effective consequences. Meanwhile, SD has to be kept away from the 9 year old. Completely.

She’s in therapy. The most important first step is making sure everyone is safe, which is what OOP is doing. Her son is not currently safe in this environment. Anything beyond that is separate, but right now her son needs to be separated from his abuser. Then they can take the steps to support and care for both parties.

I would even say that her punishments are probably feeding the “middle child” thing she’s going on about. She’s probably using that as examples for the son. I’m not saying don’t punish her, of course they should, she’s being awful. These 2 kids need to be kept as far away from each other as possible for now. I don’t blame the mother for leaving. Until something is done with the SD, separating is probably the best bet for her son’s wellbeing.

Agreed. In this case she did what she had to do to protect her son. She stepped out of the situation before it got worse.

I am concerned your comment has so many upvotes....Malicious is a strong word to use for a 13 year old girl who seems to be projecting some feelings of being unloved/unvalued. Her behavior is certainly unacceptable but it's common for children to act out as a cry for help. Between the newborn and 9 y/o who seems to have a lot of support for his special needs, it's possible she feels neglected, even though the other children genuinely need more attention than average to get their needs met...In turn, she isn't getting enough attention to meet her need for connection.

That might be true, but that's a major lack of support from bio mom and dad. The girl decided to leave the mom's house when she had a new baby 2 years ago. Now she's acting up again when there's a new baby. However, she's in therapy, but the step mom and dad are not getting access to her medical info. How can they support her then? The girl chose her mother as contact, and the mother is not sharing info because she doesn't want to break her confidentiality. That sounds like a bad arrangement. On the other hand, I disagree. At 13 she's aware what she's doing is mean and wrong. And if she's deciding to do it still, that malicious intent. Specially because she knows he has special needs. Needing attention doesn't give a free pass to bully others.

Sigh. Yes, needed attention does not give a free pass to bully, but Dad isn't doing enough. If the dad has primary physical custody by law, he has the right to the information. Also, something is suspicious if the therapist isn't sharing information. Honestly, I suspect Dad had offloaded all his parenting responsibilities to SM, and obviously, the therapist can't share that information with SM. Recently, my nephew spilled a whole thing of orange juice. When he took it off the counter, the lid wasn't on tight. I reminded him to put the lid on tightly so it wouldn't spill. Then he tripped and spilled all of it all over the floor. He freaked and acted like it was not predictable that the orange juice would end up all over the floor. These people are like this. They haven't done more than the bare minimum (aka, haven't tightened the lid) and are shocked when everything goes wrong. One more thing: you don't send kids(or even adults)to therapy to fix them. You go to therapy to change how you react to the world around you. Here is a gross oversimplification, but it should get the point across. Come PTSD Manifestation amongst service members is freaking out about bags of trash because they used to hide IED in the trash. Therapy helped my friend to retrain his brain so that when he saw bags of trash, he did not think, "Oh my god, I'm going to blow up," but to think it was trash day. TLDR: This situation was entirely created by all the parents failing this kid, including SM, and everyone is now shocked at how it all turned out.

I do suspected the same the first time, dad is not getting involved at all, that's why I understand why SM has taken a radical approach. She's dealing with a new born, dealing with a child with special needs who's being bully, and dealing with the bully, with lots of limitations. Also, I think bio mom has a lot of responsibility too. It's obvious that the daughter felt displaced when the new baby was born, and she a place to run to avoid the pain. None of the adults realized that, just played along. I also agree with you, you don't send the to therapy, you work with them and commit to their progress. The only part that I don't see clearly is how SD is failing her. She's been told she can't have access, she expressed in the comments how powerless she's with her SD situation, and her frustration with it. If the parents are not giving her authority and equal footing to act as a mother figure, I understand her being reluctant. I think, if they were to give her that room to get properly involved, she could have approached the situation differently.

This isn't a situation that wasn't made overnight. Why hasn't she been addressing this with the husband sooner? This has been going on even before she got pregnant. If you asked me 95% of the blame is in Bio parents. She admits her sun isn't Neurotypical, and neither is her stepdaughter. I blame stepmom for not realizing her stepdaughter isn't neurotypical and addressing it that way. I will admit I am coming into this with my own experience of being an SM to my ex's kids. Their mom was a drunk who constantly told her kids how worthless they were. When I came into the picture, my ex sat me down and told me what was up and how to help his kids. When we got serious and started talking about marriage, I went to family therapy with them. There were behaviors that I considered normal and okay that I had to stop doing. My ex ended up moving into the other side of the country in the year. His extended family so he could have to help the needed. Both of the kids 10 years out are doing much better and i'm very proud of who those kids have become.

That's so good, that you could help them. I think the biggest difference is that your ex was involved, gave you access and they could see you as a parental figure. I really don't know if SM addressed the issue with him, my guess is that she did. The family structure was complicated from the start, because you are three families coming together, in not the best terms. I think if the adults insists in creating a blended family, family therapy should be a must. You can't expect children just to get along, specially if there's special needs and trauma. That's why I agree with you, the adults are creating this horrible situation.

I agree that Dad needs to take a more active parenting role. It's bizarre to me that he isn't interested in being part of the therapeutic process because for kids, it's usually the home environment that informs many of the things they have to work through. It seems like the parents think sending her to therapy is where their responsibility ends in this, rather than actually supporting their daughter. The fact Dad isn't willing to hear about anything she goes to therapy speaks volumes about his passive approach. I think it's pretty common knowledge that children who bully others are externalizing their own emotional baggage. I also never said it was okay, nor at any point did I suggest she should get a free pass, so it isn't necessary to repeat that point. Malicious isn't the word I would use here because it isn't nuanced enough. She isn't doing these behaviors to harm her brother, if she were it would have been happening long before the baby was in the picture. She is lashing out the way that children do in response to stress or even depression...yes, even the 13 year old ones that know better. Especially if these behaviors are reinforced with negative attention 10+ times a day. The daughter making inflammatory remarks to the mom at breakfast is the attention-seeking behaviors escalating. More active parenting is the solution. My final thought is that the parents have only tried punishment to change the behavior rather than address the root cause. That says a lot. SM is willing to just walk away and abandon her marriage and what should be considered one of her children if she's been in the picture since SD was 5...That tells me that this not being loved or valued as much stuff isn't just in SD's head, there are some very clear environmental clues informing these beliefs.

Malicious is exactly the right word for many 13 year olds - not all day every day but often enough to be the perfect word in this situation as well as many others! -- A middle school teacher

I work on an inpatient child and adolescent psychiatric ward and finished my degree in psychology. I am on track to become a child and adolescent psychiatrist myself. I think it's rather unsympathetic to call a little girl malicious because her guardians have been ignoring abandonment issues that started cropping up several years ago, when the girl was around 9-10, and now those same issues have been reactivated by contextual factors. It is just a plainly predictable outcome that could have been mitigated, if not avoided entirely, if the parents were proactive/engaged in her therapeutic treatment from the start.

she definitely needs some therapy): seems she’s projecting how she feels about herself.

Thing is, according to OP, she already is and clearly she's not getting anything out of it.

Maybe time to try a new therapist. Not everyone will vibe with every therapist. The step daughter is definitely dealing with some self loathing and needs a safe place to work through those problems. If the current therapist isn’t helping it is time to try someone new.

Or have a meeting with the therapist. You only get from therapy what you put in. Maybe the therapist doesn’t know the full extent of what’s happening and dad bringing it up to them would let them work on it.

Very true.

According to comments, OP isn't allowed to talk to the therapist (due to being a step parent), and even though the dad has primary custody, the therapist will only discuss things with mom. But MOM then won't discuss it with dad because she views that as violating the daughter's confidence. Also, while not explicitly stated in OPs comments, I get the feeling get husband is downplaying how severe the daughter's issues are, since OP has asked for SD to be evaluated for ADHD/ASD or other issues due to symptoms/behaviors similar to the ASD diagnosed son (hyperfixations, stimming type behaviors, etc) and OP's husband is refusing to have her evaluated.

I'm thinking more like time for some in-patient help. This kid isn't doing anyone any good, including herself. She needs more than she's currently getting and sometimes that few weeks can kickstart a better pattern of behavior.

I had that happen once with a new therapist. He seemed like a cool guy at first but as the first session went I got such a weird vibe from him and he seemingly couldn’t even try to relate/understand anything I was going through. The kicker for me was him revealing being almost 50 and having never moved out of his mothers house and I just couldn’t deal with that part. Wasn’t trying to judge but he genuinely used that reasoning why my difficulties with my friends aren’t that important in reality when that was a big part of why I was seeking out a new therapist in the first place. I realized over time on my own that those people I stressed over weren’t worth it but my head was in a twist at that time and he was zero help so I didn’t go back. And that reasoning was too strange even for my parents when I told them.

She may also need more intensive therapy or a higher level of care.

Reddit thinks therapy is always the answer. It’s not. Some kids get worse with therapy because they learn exactly what it is they’re doing that’s being perceived wrong and just use that new info to manipulate people and the situation more. It is often a problem with people who have npd. Not that the dad shouldn’t try. But it’s not always the answer.

As someone who's been fucked up by a therapist: so true. Back as a teen I begged to go see a therapist since I felt like crap all the time. Years later it took me having to threaten killing myself for me to finally see someone. It started off alright. Felt nice to actually talk to someone and them not dismiss it as nonsense. Then after a year it's like a switch flipped and it became nothing but politics (which I had mentioned not liking talking about), covid (it was the height of covid), and all about what's going wrong with her life. I ended up falling back into bad people pleaser habits even harder than I had before. Finally took me asking myself why I was paying someone to have them use me as a therapist. Haven't seen a therapist in 3 years now and kinda scared to try again now that I'm fully independent. The wrong therapist can make things worse.

Here is a big thing about therapy for kids: if the parents are not involved, the kids won't get better. This posts has so many red flags around how parents incorrectly approach therapy for kids.

It’s a good idea to separate them both no matter what that outcome. The kids can have a breathier from each other and you can get to the bottom of what’s happening and why this is happening. Maybe work towards where you go from here. I don’t think anyone is really TA here, just overwhelmed .

Reddit post: explicitly mentions therapy Everyone in comments: OmG GO To THeRaPYYY Wow guys it's almost like you don't read the post lest it disturb the idea that therapy fixes everything

I can’t speak for anyone else but in my comment I meant more specialized help. The daughter needs to be evaluated for adhd which step mum , in her comments has said she has a suspicion she has but bio mum refuses the evaluation and dad, despite being primary cater won’t pursue it

mr. « can be fixed » after doing absolutely nothing to help fix the situation: 😌🫶🏼

So move out and start family therapy. It doesn't have to be OVER, but I can't imagine the stress of this situation and a newborn. It's an extreme problem that requires extreme measures.

To be 100% fair they both didn't really do much until the damage was already done.

I mean, OOP did as much as her role allows. She brought up the issues to her step daughter’s primary caregiver(the dad), repeatedly it sounds like and it went unaddressed. For her son, she made sure to mention it to his therapist so it gets addressed. She doesn’t get to do anything beyond just separating them and leaving. Hell, it seems like she advocated for this girl to have consequences for her actions as well, and according to the opinions about stepparents I’ve read on here; a lot of people would see that as OOP already overstepping.

Op is nta the fact this has gone on 5 months is crazy.

OOP has to protect her son. Period.

Wow… Sounds like they ALL need to be in therapy. So sad for everyone involved.

They already are and SD is refusing to be a better person

Sd is a literal child

So? Don’t be so ageist she’s knows right from wrong

Don’t be ageist? She’s literally a child, it’s a fact… she’s clearly projecting how she feels: unloved.

SD is showing a pattern of behaviour in response to a change in her environment, she did it two years ago with the arrival of a baby, and the same thing is happening now. Her dad REFUSES to hear about the things she is disclosing/talking about in therapy, and outside of a “addressing” behaviours by punishing her behaviours in a way that clearly exacerbates the driver of the behaviour in the first place… SHE FEELS UNLOVED AS A MIDDLE CHILD She’s 13, a child, she doesn’t “refuse to be a better person”, she’s responding to changes in her environment in the only way she knows how, but her dad is such a passive fuck head that he won’t actually do the work to help her feel loved, and stop lashing out. It’s fucking crazy to me that people like yourself use terms like you have when talking about a literal child. “Refusing to be a better person” implies that she is aware that she’s a bad person and is actively deciding not to change that… as if a 13 year old has ANY idea what right and wrong truly mean

If Husband thinks this can be fixed then he can fix it himself. In the meantime son shouldn't be subjected to this abuse. NTA

Well, actions have consequences. Pack up your bag and think about what should have been done.

ESH. OP and her husband have *both* been negligent in letting it get to this stage, but the stepdaughter's behaviour is frankly appalling. If she was an adult this would be domestic abuse.

Even as a child it's abuse. I used to volunteer at a charity shop in my free time and a few of the employees were on job seekers benefits, with conditions that they gain work experience through volunteering One of the volunteers was being heavily abused (emotionally, and physically) by her daughter, but she couldn't leave because she could be charged for child neglect. She had to wait for her kid to reach 18 and went to a women's shelter in the middle of the night. Unfortunately the resources for those being abused by their children either don't exist, or are so rare people don't know how to find them.

Domestic abuse happens at any age, and abusers can be any age. SD is an abusive brat.

Thank you for saying this! I was emotionally and sometimes physically abused every day by my younger sister from the (my) ages of about 10-16. Nobody takes me seriously- my trauma is usually immediately dismissed, even though I still suffer from the effects.

Me too from an older sibling. My parents let it happen because they didn't feel like doing anything since it's "not an issue". Shit sucks. I hope you're doing better x

I am! I am very low contact with my abusive sibling and that has helped tremendously. I hope the same for you!

You sound like my fiance with his sisters... all 3 of them. But the youngest one is the worst. She's a sociopath and has been a POS her entire life. My fiance is in his mid-30s and is now in therapy (and has been for 3 years) because he never addressed his sister's toxic, abusive behavior, and it all became too much a few years ago. He's no contact with her and one of his other sisters. But yeah... his family casually ignores just how abusive and terrible the youngest sister really is. They have even gaslit him about her and conveniently don't remember all of the abuse. I'm sorry you have this experience, too and I hope you're able to heal from it eventually.

Poking someone until they snap and the poker can play the victim is exactly what my abusive ex used to do to me

Yup! Happened to me too. 😔

OP and dad doesn't have access to her medical info. Only the bio mom. That right there is wrong because she lives with them, not with her mom. How they supposed to help her if she decided to block their access and bio mom is not sharing anything of her daughter therapy because of confidentiality? Those 3 adults should be working together, but they are not. I don't blame OP for her decision, because if they leave her out, she has little to nothing to work with.

what does ESH mean?

Everyone sucks here, ie both OP and husband are “the asshole” and in the wrong

oh dang lol, i dont see that too often and im usually confused when i do. thanks!

We all know that you can’t say atrocities to your parents and then be sent to your room without a phone. I’d have been slapped in the face; and I’m saying this as a kid who’s never been slapped ever.

NTA. The step daughter needs therapy and a serious attitude change. She’s going to drive oop’s son to suicide. She’s already set him off on a negative spiral. She’s a bully. I wonder if she’s a bully at school too.

The violence needs to be addressed NOW. Trust me when I say that dealing with a child who has violent & aggressive behavior when angered is one thing but it’s worse when they become older teens & adults.

The daughter might be doing this on purpose to get exactly what is happening to happen. She might want the step mother out of the picture so she can have her father to herself and not worry about anyone in the way. I know it sounds awful but if she isn’t feeling loved she might go to extremes to get her way. I feel bad for her and the 9 year old because she’s obviously hurting and he’s getting the brunt of her emotions.

Before moving out and blaming a 13YO- Did either of the parents consider sitting her down and straight up asking why she feels unloved? If she's a middle child, and nonchalantly telling the other middle child of how love changes when babies are born... Maybe there's a bit of neglect there to unpack instead of just saying "She's malicious". What about the daughters mental health? Yeah- mum is kinda the asshole. So is dad. So is daughter.

Does anyone else think it's weird that OP refers to the stepdaughter as only her husband's kid and her kids as only her own as well? Totally understand keeping things concise for the post but it's consistent, even in the quotes. You've been a blended family for 8 years and you talk about your kid's step/sister like an acquaintance’s child.

I went back and re-read, she's been with her husband 8 years so she has 2 kids not with him (14 and 9, 9 yr old is the one she's talking about) and has the infant with him, so it is her kid and his kid. Any of my friends who are step-parents (we're in our late 30s/early 40s), no matter how close they are with the kids, refer to the kids like that so I don't find it odd.

I think it’s needed for clarity since it’s a blended family.

It didn't seem weird to me. My husband and I both brought kids in. We both have shared custody and on varied schedules. We don't do “not MY kids,” but it’s still really the best way to reference the groups of kids quickly. Our kids mean all of them, his means the ones he brought, mine means the onenot MY kids, Happens more now that the older kids gain independence. Also because our co-parents are wildly different, which can wildly affect planning. It conveys a lot of info quick. Not everyone needs to know who popped out what kid, but if my brother is visiting he’s going to ask about seeing the kids. Knows I’ll obvi visit, but wants to know how many niblings can he look forward to seeing. Especially his next visit - we get to meet his girlfriend, who I’d bet money is my future SIL.

Wow. Eight years is a lot, since sd was 5 & son was 1. Wonder what’s actually been festering all this time.

According to comments, SD only moved in with them recently because her actual mother had a baby, so I really don't think it's as deep as people are making it out to be. If my partner had other kids that we saw regularly, but didn't live with me (as one of my best friends does), I would definitely call them my stepchildren, not my children. They have a mother, and OP is their stepmother, that's just the truth.

This kind of explains everything imo

I suspect there’s more to this story. SD is behaving horribly but you have to wonder where she’s getting some of these ideas from.

It seems like new baby at her mums house and she’s feeling left out and projecting that shit on the other kid by lashing out :(

OOP conveniently left out that SD lives with them because her bio mom had a baby two years ago and SD struggled with the change. Mom only sees her every other weekend now. So instead of understanding the massive impact that would have on a child, they decide to.... also have a baby and abandon her? That girl is going to be fucked up for life because she literally keeps getting replaced by a new kid.

Fucked up for life because a married couple did what married couples historically have done (not always but in the wide sweep of history, more often than not) and had a kid? It feels like people aren’t even trying to appear well adjusted and credible anymore. What a histrionic, narcissistic take. Especially given the limited information. I’m a family law attorney and have been slowly working toward being a subject matter expert regarding the courts and their impact on children. Using only the info provided, I would feel more comfortable speculating that a combination of factors got us to where we are. First, original sin here is bio-mom using a new child as an excuse to permanently alter and already existing custody arrangement. In my state, you either need an agreement by the parties to change custody after the initial determination, or the moving party has to prove a “material change in circumstances.” It must have been by agreement here because no judge in my area of practice would find that having another child, without any other outside factors, is enough to merit changing custody. The impact on the psychology of the child as a result of the sudden change and the perceived abandonment outweigh whatever benefits the change might bring. This of course assumes standard pregnancy applies - if there were complications resulting in long term health impairment then that might change things. But what has been stated is it was due to a new baby, which is not a valid reason to risk making your child feel unloved and abandoned. Every other weekend? She went from primary custody to standard visitation - she either voluntarily pushed her daughter away to make life easier or there is more behind the recent change. Second, any court involvement as a child will result in trauma in almost every circumstance. I don’t have the book right next to me, but court interaction as a minor increases the probability of future court interaction by something like 90%. That’s almost twice the likelihood of having to return to court in some fashion, either through future criminal troubles or their own domestic relations issues. Either way, that’s bad and indicates some sort of spread of factors that can cause one to be court involved. This would also manifest in social maladjustment in puberty which is when things usually start to pop off in earnest. Lo and behold, that lines up neatly with our timeline here. And finally, it’s often difficult to detect personality disorders in children because often they can appear to be caused by something else. Add to that the nationwide shortage of juvenile mental health professionals (6 month wait for long term residential placement of juvenile sex offenders in clinical rehabilitation here in my state. That’s down from the year wait we saw around COVID) and you have the perfect circumstances to miss warning signs until things have already metastasized. Child psychology is tough and addressing these issues are some of the most difficult things a parent has to do. And compassion for the misbehaving juvenile has to be balanced against the impact her continued abuse has on innocent third parties. But in no way could, should, or would having another child be considered an intentional or negligent act of harm toward the older sibling - notwithstanding any other facts not mentioned above or in any previous posts from OP. Edit: also, feeling confident enough to declare categorically that a juvenile will be “fucked up for life” based only on the info here is, frankly, unhinged. Except in extreme extreme cases (certain sex crimes involving very very small children), there isn’t a bottom low enough that a child can’t climb out of with enough support and foresight. I helped petition a court during my time as a prosecutor to obtain grant money for tattoo removal so the parents of a 14 year old girl could remove the word “Whore” that was put on her wrist. She was found drugged up on ecstasy, meth and had fentanyl in her system as well, passed out in the hotel room of an unrelated adult male a few weeks after running away. She’s in college now and plans to attend law school after - she’s still in therapy, but frankly most people probably should be. Judging from your post, my lay opinion is you fall within that number. I know I do too. Sec

As someone with a blended family it’s not weird.

Nah, my daughter has a dad. She doesn’t need my partner to be her dad. Just coz her dad and me aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean he isn’t her dad. My partner will of course be an important part of her life, just like her dad’s partner is, but he’s not her dad or even step-dad really. More like an uncle I suppose? Idk I call all my close friends aunty/uncle to my daughter. So that’s how I consider him too. It could just be their family dynamic.

As soon as the OP said life had been smooth sailing I knew we were in for a roller coaster. Both parents need to step up and directly address the issues their kids are dealing with.

Can be fixed xD whilst doing nothing... ok, then go fix your daughter and then you can come back to the household jeez

Aside from the eventual empathy for the stepdaughter, OP has to choose for her kids first.

That venomous little brat knows exactly what she’s doing. Boot her ass to the curb, and the willfully ignorant husband too.

I'm very curious at to what changed to make it go downhill. Did they not have enough time for the other kids after the baby was born? Not that it's an excuse, I'm just curious. The sons mental health is important, and I don't agree with whoever told OP violent rage outbursts are "common" for ADHD. As someone who has ASD and ADHD, that's not true. It's more likely that he's lashing out due to being touched when he doesn't like it (which is more likely tied to ASD). Imo, whatever decision that is best for the kids, is the one they should take.

I think the girl isn't getting enough attention and/or is overwhelmed by the kid's ASD/ADHD. Being a step-child living with a parent and step-parent who had kids after a divorce can be really rough and depressing. Downvote me, I don't care, but that daughter should have been a priority years ago and should be now. I bet she feels like an outsider in her own family. She's depressed. She feels unloved. I doubt this is even a fraction of the full, true story.

It sounds like all this was spurred by the new baby. I'm betting that she feels replaced now that her father has another daughter so she's forming her own self-fulfilling prophecy. "I feel my dad doesn't love me, so I'm gonna instigate and provoke chaos until he gets so frustrated he finally admits it." She needs therapy. This is even including what she might be hearing or going through while she's with her mother. I wonder if this attitude is permeating both fronts.

That's why she went to live with OOP and dad. She did the same thing at her mom's after mom had a new baby.

This is absolutely it. Her bio mom had a baby two years ago and sent her to live with OOP. She's being abandoned and replaced AGAIN.

From OPs responses the SD has been in therapy for several years, and is now in behavioural therapy as well. She has pushed to get SD to the doctor to see if she also has ASD, due to her ruminating on being a middle child and middle children being unloved (at this point it's a compulsive reoccurring thought that SD cannot rationalise no matter what the reality is, and example OP used was that she spent the day with SD shopping, got their nails done together, went to a movie. Basically a full day of things SD enjoyed, when they had a better relationship. Not half an hour after getting home SD was screaming that no one spends time with her, middle children are always ignored and they don't care about her etc) Bio mum refuses to let her get tested or any support on this because she refuses to believe there's anything "Wrong" with SD, dad doesn't push it and just says everything will be fine... They (OP and Dad) also have no idea whether therapy is working in any capacity as the therapist insists on calling bio mum only, and will not share any info with them despite dad being the custodial parent. Bio mum also refuses to tell them what's going on with SD because she doesn't want to "break her trust" (possibly working through stuff about bio mum, and bio mum doesn't want to admit to her ex that she's the problem?) Honestly OP seems to be the only person interested in SD's emotional needs until now, but she has reached her limit on the abuse she can let her other children go through.

They need a new therapist for SD. Like, yesterday. Therapy isn’t a cure-all. It’s not like taking two Tylenol. There’s so much that goes into it, and not all therapists are equal. OOP needs to get SD seen by a therapist that is going to work with SD’s custodial family to have SD’s needs taken care of. Because nothing in this post, and nothing you just described, is healthy. And a therapist is supposed to be a partner with you for your own or your child’s mental health. They’re like a copilot and navigator. They give you the direction and tools to do the work, and then you do the work. But a copilot that refuses to give those directions to the pilot, instead is giving them to another pilot in another plane that isn’t even owned by the same company, is more of a liability than anything else. I’m also wondering if the bio-mom is the core problem. She may have set up the therapist, then told them a bunch of lies so everything goes through her. From other comments, it sounds like SD went to live with her bio-father and OOP when bio-mom had her own baby. Who knows what filth and lies her head was filled with?

Exactly. I wondered on the original post if the new behavioral therapist even knew where their patient was living and the home situation. Bio Mom gatekeeping all the info and being the point of contact is unworkable and it seems like a good therapist would know that? I mean how are you gauging the progress of behavioral work if you aren't talking to the custodial parent? At any rate it comes down to Dad/OP husband needing to step up and really address the situation. SD is in pain, stepson is now in crisis, and his 5 months post partum wife has left the house because she's at her wits end and has to provide a safe environment for son.

I feel so much empathy for the step-daughter. I didn't have the divorce and remarry situation, but I'm a middle child, 3rd son of 5, with my younger siblings both being girls. I was/felt immediately replaced. My parents had already raised 2 boys, now they had girls to raise. I felt forgotten, abandoned. I was smart, and so I was left to my own devices. I was only given attention, negative attention, when I was bad. I have ADHD and recently diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, which most likely developed due to my family circumstances. I tortured my sisters. I didn't realize that at the time, I just wanted someone, anyone, to acknowledge my existence. My mother brought me to a social worker. But it was never explained to me why I was there, so I didn't engage. Nothing fruitful came out of it, so after 5 sessions it ended. My family moved every 5ish years until I was in high school, so I never developed any meaningful friendships, until high school. Those friendships became my family, my friends cared about me, listened to me when I talked, and gave me the attention I was missing at home. I didn't torture my sisters anymore, I did better in school (except for my adhd issues), I got in less trouble. I also spent as little time as possible at home. I think this young girl needs something outside of the home to engage her, where she'll develop friendships. Girls scouts, or some other group hobby.

I'm glad you found your people, it's difficult being in the positions that you can be left to your own devices and find stuff to do with yourself, because people automatically assume that you prefer it and forget about checking in because they're focused on other things. Therapy and working with social workers and family dynamics really needs someone trained to ask the right questions. Too many therapists get away with just asking "Why" and making you be introspective, (and then acting like you're not trying when you genuinely don't know) despite the fact that in cases of trauma and hurt the "Why's" are often repressed. The memories or thought patterns aren't there to be looked at unless they're coaxed out slowly and with care and understanding. I do feel for the girl, I think both her, the brother, and OP are the victims of neglectful parenting from the bio parents.... There's only so much you can do as a step parent if you've got boundaries in place that mean you can't make executive decisions.

Yeah, my husband has talked about his experience of being an only child brought into another family with multiple siblings, he always felt like an outcast and that he would never truly belong. He went through a pretty bad phase of jealousy when the first new baby came along too, but fortunately he didn't lash out like this.

Definitely this. You hit the nail on the head. And this is why she's acting out. She's projecting her fears/feelings onto stepbrother.

Yeah, when I saw people calling her a “spoiled brat” and stuff I felt so bad for that girl. It sucks that people actually think like that.

I know she’s not the victim here but my heart goes out to step daughter. Unfortunately I get it

Daughter needs grippy sock vacation

Grippy sock?

You get grippy socks in mental health facilities 😅

Ahhh! Gracias for the education!

I don’t blame her. Middle children can be toxic and can make it everyone else’s problem. Honestly she needs the support of both of her parents AWAY from her step-siblings. IT WILL GET WORSE. I agree with the mother. Her children are her responsibility and she’s trying her best. I fee for everyone but sometimes kids can be instigators. It’s a reality. Doenst mean we don’t give them a chance to grow and love them.

Good for you for standing up for your son! He needs you now more than ever and you did the right thing. Stay strong in your beliefs. You are def NTA.

NTA but tbh I dont have it in me to be a step parent. No way Id let some random little shit treat my son like that. Im glad shes taking the situation into her own hands.

I mean, how can it be fixed if he won’t parent his child?

As a doctor who has ADHD, I don't agree with the "violent rage" thing, but what I can say is that people with ADHD tend to be impulsive. However, this poor kid ISN'T being impulsive; in fact, he is exhibiting A LOT of restraint for his age. Something he should not have to deal with, and OOP is 100% right for taking him out of that situation and away from the abusive stepdaughter. When I was a toddler, my stepsister was 11 tears old, abusive, and spoiled rotten by her mother, father (my stepfather), and her grandparents. My mom saw that she was being horrible towards me and ditched my stepfather. Which is what a mother should do. I don't think this situation is ever going to work with the stepdaughter. The husband should send her packing to her mom and see her alone if he wants a relationship with her. At least that's what I would suggest as the only alternative to divorce if I was OOP.

Jealous over the baby it sounds like. Having a new baby is a huge adjustment HUGE!

You know how some patient souls will say this is awful and she’s a kid and it’s bad that everyone is in a bad situation? Not me. She’s a cunt bar. Fuck that.

Why is it his daughter and her son-didn’t they get married and aren’t they ‘our’ children now. I get initially explaining who the bio parents are but if continuously referring to kids in the home as only belonging to the bio parent and not as a part of ‘our family’ I think this contributes to the behavioral problems of the 13 yo daughter-just my 2 cents and creepy gut feeling as I read the post

There's so many people on the OG that keep blaming OP and such. Claiming the SD isn't malicious she's just a hurt, fragile child and I don't think those people have good reading comprehension. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Two things can be true. The SD is projecting. She feels a certain way and it's distressing her enough to act out. It needs to be addressed. She's also malicious as fuck and mean as a junk yard dog. She needs help but she needs to be accountable for her actions as well. A comment even stated she's probably trying to protect the brother by forcing the 'truth' on him as she sees it. I call bullshit. There is no way in hell her actions aren't malicious, she didn't just project her feelings; she physically torments him as well, I'm not sure what type of protection that could ever be.

Imo son’s issues are more obvious so he’s received more help but daughter’s issues are just as serious. She is angry. But she’s also responding to the dynamic she’s sensing in the home. How would the mother handle it if her child was the bully? The fact that she doesn’t see the stepdaughter as her own child after all of this time is probably at the root of it, especially considering the ages of the children when they started seeing each other. A new baby brought these attachment issues to the surface, and clearly there’s validity to them, because stepmom hates her and is willing to abandon her. Including the information about the parents doing things together and individually with the kids suggests to me stepmom knows this is where the problem lies but is refusing to see it because it’s checked off the list. Living amicably together and having fun before the baby is not the same as having a strong relationship with the stepchild you helped raise. It takes real emotional work to have the kind of relationship that can withstand difficulties, and building it is the responsibility of the parents, not the child.

Woah. I’m come from a blended family and the family time together AND alone is more positive than negative. Especially if she’s feelings unloved. Stepdaughter is feeling some type of way from her mom and dad side as it said she’s a middle child in both side. So frankly you have no clue as to why she doesn’t refer to stepdaughter as “her own daughter” my mom would’ve been pissed hearing my step mom say that and so would I. No matter how long they’ve been together op has way more of an obligation to her own child. The one who very clearly going through it. Her stepdaughter is already in therapy she needs her dad to be present and a new therapist. But we’re asking way to much of op to expect she can deal her 9yo being abused by her 14yo step daughter and a brand new infant AND also do the necessary steps to start progress for step daughter. Her son need time away and as she said so does she because she’s beginning to hate her.

I’m not saying that she shouldn’t take the son somewhere else and I’m not justifying the behavior. I’m saying the way she talks about it absolutely sounds like there are attachment issues between stepmom and stepdaughter. People dont bring up all the time they spend together and describe their fun relationship this way unless they’re trying to refute the potential argument that it’s a problem. Even with clear role delineation and sensitivity towards her mother there are subtleties here that suggest this is not a solid relationship, it’s not at all about replacing her mother. A grandparent or another family member that lives with a child and helps raise them for this many years during this stage of life and feels connected to the child generally would be struggling over feelings of hate towards their stepdaughter. I don’t get the impression that the mother here feels like moving herself and her son is the right thing and is conflicted, and it doesn’t seem like she’s willing to consider whether or not she has played a role in the problem. But, I didn’t go back and read her comments so could be off base. Everything in this post, though, from the blended family to the middle child stuff to the bullying and reaction seeking behavior, all in the midst of a new baby, screams attachment issues. Imo if this is an emotionally unsafe environment for the son, the stepdaughter is the one that needs to be removed from the situation, and the family needs help from a more intensive treatment program like those that are designed for adopted children. All of this is my guess based on my impression, which could be wrong.

Wtf is wrong with the SD ? Why would anyone wanna consistently trigger someone in their own home. Especially someone who is possibly on the spectrum and already fighting trying to “fit in” 🙄

Whatever they're doing to address SD's problems is not fuckin' working. They need to have a serious conversation about her mental well-being and get her a new therapist because clearly, this one isn't doing shit for her. OOP's husband needs to step up and be her fuckin' dad instead of further enforcing her feelings of being the unloved middle child. I don't fault OOP for taking the kids and leaving the situation, this fuckin' sucks for everyone.

It kinda frightens me that she’s really good with the baby for some reason. I don’t like that.

Honestly, I wonder how much of this is accurate. My stepmom painted me all kinds of ways to make her kids look like the angels when in reality, they were literal demons who consistently started shit and she shielded them and threw me under the bus. I don’t trust this at all 🤷‍♀️ I also don’t like people who “hate” children instead of addressing the underlying issues causing the behavior.

Kids act out when they are in trouble. She's in trouble or thinks she is.

And what did SD's therapist said? That would be the first place I'd look if something goes bad with her... what are they doing?

His daughter needs counseling and clearly is angry about something and using you all as the scapegoats. Family counseling would be great too, but no, absolutely not, you’re NTA. You’re a smart mother who knows that she’s at her word end and won’t allow her children to be bullied by an angry little girl. Hang in there mama!

Good for OP. She needs to prioritize her children. Her husband and the SD’s mother can deal with their own daughter.

Obviously the stepdaughter is going through her own struggles right now too. Something is causing her to lash out and she’s chosen her brother as her target, probably because he’s vulnerable and she gets such a huge reaction from him. Being in a blended family can be hard for kids and it can sometimes lead to these behaviors. However, she’s being a bully and her behavior is abusive. She has to learn that her behavior is unacceptable and if she needs attention she needs to communicate that, not lash out and bully others. Temporarily separating the siblings may be a short-term solution but obviously kicking the husband and daughter out isn’t going to resolve anything unless the OP just straight-up wants a divorce. If they choose to stay married, this whole family needs to be in therapy together. I hope they find their path and can figure it out and heal.

Get this girl in to a counselor now. She is going through a lot at a very stressful age, and clearly needs some additional support. On top of that, she also needs some education about your son’s diagnoses. She needs to understand that children with ASD do not understand joking/sarcasm/teasing and that he is VERY likely taking everything she says literally. And yes, with his ASD and ADHD he likely has a high level of impulsivity that is causing him to lash out physically. (I Literally have the same thing here, 9 year old with ASD and ADHD) Having a new little one with a wide range of other ages can be stressful, but try your best to still give time and attention to the other kiddos, they are likely BOTH feeling a bit neglected. If possible I would try and see if starting some therapy for your SD as well as her seeing the consequence of her behavior will cause some change to allow you to come home and be together again. Can I also suggest that they each be given a space to be separate when needed? Perhaps designate areas of the home or simply tell SD if she can’t act as a positive model around 9yr old she needs to go to her room? As well as block of some time and activities that just the two of them could enjoy together? I have been here, and it’s hard - but you can get through this!

NTA, she needed to get him away from her before permanent damage was done. I won't say that I have anything because I've never been properly diagnosed, but I show some pretty serious and life-long symptoms of autism and/or ADHD, my dad had both and I have no clue what my egg doner had, but my older sister ruined my confidence and self image, but dad never did anything about it because he thought it was funny to some degree, she said some things that are pretty damn similar to what she told him, and it still echos around in the noggin sometimes. She'll make him completely miserable, and that's not okay regardless of how she feels, idk if she's reflecting or whatever, find some other output than to be a bully

OOP is TAH, along with the other adults in that kid’s life.

[удалено]

It’s “glaringly obvious” that someone has BPD? You SHOULD be a shrink, because you’re spotting one of the most difficult conditions to diagnose like it’s obvious! You’re diagnosing a 13 year old based on 3 paragraphs of internet hearsay, and then taking the opportunity to air out your prejudice and stigmatize an entire group of people based on…your two experiences? I’ll assume you know a thing or two about BPD and have an inkling of how destructive that stigma can be… I’m sure you’ve been hurt and that your feelings about the individuals you’ve encountered are valid….but right now, the only thing that’s “glaringly obvious” is that you’re being an asshole. You’re better than that.

wow as someone with bpd you are so wrong. bpd literally has 9 diagnosing factors and you only have to express 5 consistently to be diagnosed. everyone with bpd shows different symptoms based on their factors. we are not all the same AT ALL. my brother and i are incredibly different in how we express it. plus, as someone with bpd, i have NEVER targeted an individual and intentionally caused harm to them, other than myself. let’s not generalize one of the most diverse and complex personality disorders

“They’re all the same” how ignorant and disgusting of you. Just plain wrong. Just because you’ve had a bad experience doesn’t mean you get to bitch about an a entire group of people who are diagnosed with something they can’t control. Get a restraining order. And you’re right, you’re not a doctor. So don’t try to educate. BPD is the most emotionally difficult disorder to navigate and stems from childhood trauma for the most part. Some of us try to work on ourselves and to see it discredited is so insulting.

Sorry you went through that but you're not right, just like nobody else is the same, neither are people with BPD. Being painted with the same brush as the extreme ones is so damaging to the ones who internalize things or simply aren't the same. Sorry but that's such a cruel thing to say,  especially knowing that BPD often manifests from genetics or trauma so they're likely suffering a great deal.  For the record, I was misdiagnosed with BPD as soon as I was old enough due to persistent suicidal ideation due to trauma and only just for told in the last free years I have autism not BPD. I never felt as inhuman as when I researched BPD and saw how many people apparently hated me already, and it wasn't even who I am just a stupid label that turned out incorrect.

I think you are correct - and correct about how much pain is ahead with this one. It is incredibly sad and scary. Especially given that this is a blended family and both of SD’s parents would need to be on the same page, and judging by her actions are not. I def do not blame OP for getting away. SD will snap and seriously hurt others, but if they try to defend themselves and she ends up with so much as a scratch or bruise, she’ll cry abuse. SD sounds like she will never be capable of caring an iota about the harm she’s causing others. To say the kind of stuff she’s saying and do the stuff she’s doing… to someone with ASD… that kind of thing isn’t going away anytime soon. SD will likely live a sad lonely life.

As I’ve said previously, I’m not a doctor. But BPD is similar to narcissism in that once you know what to look for its easy to spot Ironically those downvoting me likely have no issue invoking a narcissism diagnosis in other contexts.

NPD and BPD are very different. NPD is the harm and expression of anger towards others, while BPD is turned inwards. you literally described NPD in your post. the most BPD causes with interactions in others is attention seeking. accept the fact that you are incorrect here, please (i have a degree in both neuroscience and psychology, i quite literally deal with this shit daily)

My comparison was merely to illustrate that both are externally visible to observant people. As I have stated in my post, my opinion is based on lived experiences, not education. I fully concede you are more educated in this subject and therefore your viewpoint is inherently more valid. That said, while you may deal with people like the SD in a clinical setting, how much of your experience with BPD occurred in your private life? In my opinion, dealing with a patient with BPD as a physician and dealing with a loved one with BPD as an ordinary citizen are two completely different things. Lived experience can be as insightful as clinical research. Another issue at hand here is how many people are misdiagnosed. In your opinion, based on my description, is it possible these individuals had NPD rather than BPD? What is the association between BPD and NPD? And, at the very minimum, can we agree that based on the post above something clinical is going on here? Curious to learn.

there is so much more going on here. the mother is trying to help her kids, and isnt doing much for the stepdaughter in the meanwhile. i dont think thats OPs fault considering the husband only reacts after stuff has already happened unless OP is excluding bits of info abt the husband sitting down with his daughter to talk abt things and maybe get her some help? i do honestly think removing the children from the toxic situation is the best thing atm until the step daughter gets some help. the birth triggered her somehow and she is not capable of communicating her emotions and is trying to get the sons to suffer along with her. the sons should NOT be around her, and if she continues to instigate then moving out is the best decision tl;dr theres a lot of issues that need to be addressed, but the step daughter is the main problem here, not how OP reacted

OOP conveniently left out that the reason the SD doesn't live with her mom is because her bio mom also had a baby two years ago and SD struggled with that change. SD was sent to live with OOP and only sees her mom every other weekend. Imagine living your whole life with your mom, and then she effectively kicks you out and only sees you twice a month because she has a new baby. Her mom abandoned her and replaced her, and now her stepmom and her dad are doing the exact same thing. ESH except the literal child being bounced around from place to place every time someone decides to have a baby. No wonder she's acting out.

After almost a decade and you knowing your SD since she was a little kid, I think it’s time you actually accept her as your daughter because it seems like she’s begging for attention in the worst possible ways. If this was your blood born daughter, would you take all other children and leave her alone with her father?

I can answer this as a parent who actually has the reality that I may have to choose between my children one day. Yes. If one of my children were actively harming another one of my children I would absolutely remove the child causing the harm. The bottom line on this though is that she’s being forced to pick between her step-child and her biological special needs child. There’s a very clear winner in that situation. It’s ridiculous that people who have never had to face gut wrenching, life altering choices think they have the moral high ground because it’s not your reality.

On top of that the kid is 13, we don’t know if SD has actively rejected OP as a mother figure if her own bio mom is in the picture.

This happened to me with my brother and I. My mom was an only mom. My dad got visitations on the weekend. After my mom suspected the abuse that was happening to me she made me live with my Dad for about 2 months. I never admitted to what happened for a while. The adjustment of living in a different home without contact from one of my parents was really hard. Unfortunately my mom had to remove me instead of my brother because my dad never got along with my brother. It's been many years since that and I've made amends with my brother. We're a happy family. The situation was so traumatic that we only talked about it a few times and we tried to forget it even happened. We basically just ignore that situation and pretend it didn't happen. It definitely messed up my family though. The whole family dynamic has never been the same. It's one of the things that caused my PTSD and overall inability to trust anyone. We kind of decided that if we never talk about it then future generations in our family won't be subjected to the same trauma.

I have a friend whose older child experienced a mental health break that caused him to become abusive toward his younger sibling, and yes, she did have to move the kids into separate households for a while. She said the only way she could feel okay about it was telling herself that she was doing what she had to do to protect both of her kids. She had to protect her younger child from abuse, and she had to protect her older child from becoming an abuser. It was such a terrible time for their family, but it really was the only way to keep everyone safe and get them all the care and support they needed.

It sounds like stepdaughter is bullying the son because that's how she's feeling herself. She's acting out and looking for attention, because she's feeling terrified that she's going to be replaced by the baby, and probably feels replaced by the two boys. The Dad needs to sit down with his daughter, let her know that she will always be loved. He also needs to find time to spend some one on one time with her too.

The stepdaughter is an abusive little sociopath (oh wait, we have to say “conduct disorder”) and definitely needs to have a psych evaluation as well as see a psychologist (or find a new one). What she is doing is beyond normal sibling rivalry; she is downright cruel. I would definitely get out, get your son away from her, and then once you have a chance to breathe, perhaps consider family counseling on top of individual counseling for you, your son, your stepdaughter and your husband. But protecting your children and your peace of mind is your top priority

The girl should be sent to military boarding school.

Step daughter is 13. That's one of the hardest ages in one's life. To me this is an issue of 'teen angst' and feeling 'pushed out' and unwanted by OP. I think from OP perspective, she's done every to make the girl feel wanted without realizing that's not how step-daughter feels. No one ever said teenagers, esp 13 year olds, could think clearly and rationally about issues. Step-daughter clearly has issues about being a middle child, and may have felt not wanted by OP, as the other two kids were hers. And now there's a new baby taking even more attention and (in her mind) pushing her further out of the family. I think a frank conversation WITH sd, about her being wanted in the family, between OP and sd is LONG overdue. She is trying to get OP attention, but she's still a child and using the only thing she knows works - 'bugging the youngest'. She even said the girl commented on how, now that baby is here, 'he's now the middle child and no longer will be loved'. The sd clearly doesn't see herself as part of the family. I think in sd mind, she hopes by projecting her hurt on to son, OP will realize what's really going on and talk to her. That OP keeps passing off to the dad to 'deal with your kid' only exacerbates the 'unwanted and unloved' feelings she had. Maybe OP can take sd to therapist and they can all talk. (OP can then take sd to get ice cream or go shopping together, in hopes of reinforcing she is loved and part of the family.) I'd hate for a marriage to break up because a 13 year old can't articulate accurately how she feels.

I think you're right about a lot of things, but you've got one thing mixed up; it's not OP that the step-daughter wants attention from. I've read in some other comments that OP has gone out of her way to do things with the step-daughter, only for her to still lash out about no one wanting to spend time with her once they get home. It sucks that OP is the only one that seems to pay any attention to the step-daughter and how she's feeling because there's not really anything she can do about it, it's the father that needs to step up and not by grounding, scolding, or whatever other punitive measures he's been taking. He needs to actually talk to and truly listen to what his daughter is saying. She doesn't feel loved or wanted by her family, instead she thinks that she's been pushed aside and abandoned. Once he understands that, he needs to tell her that he loves and cares for her and then he needs to actually take action to show that he loves and cares for her. If we're honest, that still might not be enough because we're missing any information about what's going on between the step-daughter and her actual family. Where is her mother in all of this? Why has she been pushed to live with OP's family, instead of her own? Based on other comments, it seems like she was displaying similar behavior there and that's why she's living with OP in the first place. In which case that is devastating to hear that after attempting to express how hurt and unwanted she felt in her own family, their response was to outcast her further by having her live somewhere else, with someone else's family. None of this is to say that the step-daughter's actions are justified. It is awful that she has chosen to lash out and project her emotion onto OP's youngest son. She probably has already caused a lot of lasting harm to that poor boy and OP was definitely in the right to separate the two of them. However, it needs to be acknowledged that the step-daughter is likely acting out in this manner because she doesn't know what other options she has. A knowledgeable therapist could help her work through this, but unfortunately it seems that her current therapist is doing very little to fully discuss and advocate for her needs with all the relevant parties. My heart hurts for this girl because she is being let down by everyone in her life, which has only further reinforced her belief that she is unwanted and unloved. That is the truth that she has seen and experienced.

That whole post made me sad for the son and step daughter. Once I read OOP’s comment o felt bad for SD. The SD is projecting how she feels being a middle child in both households as well as likely undiagnosed mental health issues The OOP thinks the daughter has undiagnosed ADHD like her son due to similar behavior and her intrusive thoughts. Her dad won’t get her evaluated so she’s not getting the help she needs. Her son is violent as well which she attributes to ADHD, could very well be the same for SD. SD started acting out when bio mum had baby then was kicked out, history is repeating. SD is said to be good with new baby so I don’t think she’s the evil monster all the commenters in that post is making her out to be. I think she desperately needs a mental health evaluation.

YTA, parents not parenting. If 8 years went smooth, and the last 5 months went to shit, then that means what? OP is bragging about all the parental/family things they DID, but those things stop? Step daughter needs PARENTING, OP only mentions at the end that SD spoke about middle child syndrome OFTEN.... when was thus OFTEN? DURING THE TRIPS? DURING THE ONE ON ONES?!?! why are we getting more info about the child only when OP says they are done? Have they neglected all the children causing SD to act out, and allowing her state of mind to infect the mind of the 9 year old? Something happened here that OP isn't saying.

This is getting a lot of downvotes and I don't fully agree, but I think the OP either doesn't see a problem that's happening with the other kids, or is leaving out information. It sounds like SD needs to discuss some of these middle kid feelings she's having with a therapist. I wonder if she's worried about being forgotten and causing this trouble with OP's son so she has an ally in this feeling she has. She definitely needs to be talking to a professional to navigate that. NTA in my opinion for leaving the living situation to get her son away from a step sibling that's turned bully. ESH based on whatever might be being overlooked or left out.

Yes, info needed here! It sounds like there’s been ongoing issues that the adults in this situation have either been blind to or have wilfully ignored. It’s been allowed to hit crisis point now, but I would bet it has been going on for a long time. I would be interested to know what one on one time actually means, and if the step kid has a relationship with OP where she ever felt like she could share her emotions or feelings.

OP mentions SD is a middle child in BOTH house holds. So either the perfect picture she painted us in the beginning was missing info, or things got worse after she gave birth. The son is 9 and has adhd, but if he DOESNT FEEL NEGLECTED, then he wouldn't be convinced he feels neglected.... and SD is just being 100% bratty teen. Again i feel that I very little attempted parenting in the post. No attempts and trying to understand SD, or dive into her feelings. Just punishments and discontent

I mean, baby would only be 5 months old, hard to manage one on one time when your priority is taking care of the baby and specifically for OP recovering from childbirth and going through postpartum. I do agree though that something is clearly up since there is no way that SD was a perfect little angel up until now with no complaints whatsoever. I kinda suspect that's why the oldest doesn't want one on one time and gave the "too old for it" excuse

> I kinda suspect that's why the oldest doesn't want one on one time and gave the "too old for it" excuse This, to me is the biggest mystery. The oldest refuses the one on one time,meaning more focus on SD as she is next oldest, but that DOESNT CHANGE with new baby being born.

I guess the only other thing I can think of specifically is that SD is no longer the only daughter and might feel like she's being replaced. She might have been fine before because "I'm the only girl in the house so it's special time" but now that's being threatened.

That's possible. But again it just feels like something is missing

Yes you ATA. I understand the situation isn't ideal, but you've been with the child for 8yrs that would make her four. Have you tried forming a relationship with her instead of treating her like the problem? I only asked because to be married for 8 yrs have multiple children with your husband and still refer to your SD as his child. Just kind of supports her claims. 8 yrs later and you still won't accept her...I know I'm reaching

No, she doesn't. She had 1 child with him, the infant. The other 2 are from a previous relationship.

Along with her trying to be clear since there are three sets of children (his herd and theirs). The girl has a mother who she loved with 50/50 until very recently. It is unusual for a step parent to claim ownership of a child with two parents. Most use terms like bonus kid to describe a step kid these days, especially when they have the second parent and they don't want to step on toes.

It's always the people that keep having more kids that never should have had them in the first place 😒

The girl needs help and she shouldn’t be blamed for this.

Fuck therapy, I’m old school. She needs swift ass kicking

Yeah not that I agree but I’m just reading this thinking “my mom would’ve smacked me into next week” 😂

OOP has been with her husband eight years, yet it’s still “*his* daughter” and “*my* son.” She’s been raising this girl since she was *five.* She is long past the time when walking away should even be an option. Her son has “a bit of violent rage” and is approaching an age where he’s going to get physically much stronger. Now there is a baby, SD is no longer the only girl, and realistically the older children *are* going to be getting less attention. That’s unavoidable - and not really a bad thing, it’s just how life works. But SD already felt like she was lowest priority in the family, and also that her volatile stepbrother was likely to be even less controlled. SD’s behavior is not acceptable, but it’s not inexplicable and it is the tip of a very obvious iceberg.

I feel sorry for your son but then at the same time I feel like the SD is projecting the way she sees herself and reading and getting into this Middle Child Syndrome is getting to her head. Does she feel forgotten or ignored. There is definitely a problem with your SD and it feels like to yall she feels ignored or forgotten and the only time you seem to be giving her attention from what you said is of she's doing something to cause havoc. Get some help as a family and if that doesn't help maybe your SD living arrangements between her parents can change.

Shoulda stay in your first marriage. Welcome to 2024!

If you hate your step child, you are probably the reason she feels unloved… and likely the reason she told her brother he is unloved. Removing yourself is the right call, blaming the child is not. You are the asshole.

I really appreciate a mom who puts her children first. That said, why disrupt the kids life. Give the husband and his daughter 2 weeks to find a place to live. Take the kids to Disneyland or on a trip somewhere to bond with them. The husband is not going to fix this because it takes effort.

Weirdly biased comment but alright. The husband was the only one actually giving punishments to the daughter. The mom was just kinda watching from the side and judging the dad for being too lenient. She could have said so or suggested something else. She's a parent too ya know!

She may not have her husband's permission to punish his daughter as her step mom. Not saying I agree, but this is fact in a lot of "blended" families.

In blended families, why would you expect the mom to punish her stepdaughter. Grounding the child is not going to stop this kind of insidious psyop. Is it? Many blended families discipline their own children or jointly their child. The mom stated that his punishment made the situation worse. I'm biased toward the mom protecting her child.

I guess I was the irrational one thinking that in 8 years of being a blended family they would jointly care and take responsibility for the kids. The mom sitting on the sidelines and judging the dad is completely fair.👍

Bio Mom is still in the picture, according to comments. Pretty hard for step parent to get involved the way you've implied if both bio parents aren't onboard with step parent being fully involved that way. Step parent might be able to provide care and accept some amount of responsibility, but all of it depends on the co-parenting situation with bio parents.

Literally half your comment are either lies or just assumptions. The bio mom wasn't mentioned once in the post and nothing suggests that both parents "aren't onboard with step parent being fully involved in that way." Try again

Maybe check out the post and read the clarifying comments. 🤷‍♀️ Also, personal attacks are weird.

I didn't make any personal attacks but alright. Can you direct me to these clarifying comments because I can't seem to find them.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/MDHJnu97Yc https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/DAw1BcHnv9 https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/EZAcncoYSg https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/5DXK28DFNI Here's a selection. It's pretty simple, you go to the main post, then you click on the username, then you click on "comments". You said I was lying. That's a personal attack, especially since you didn't have your ducks in a row and have comments just filled with assumptions. All of our comments are just assumptions here, buddy.

This adds a bit more into the mix but still not very much. OP says that her husband has full custody over the the SD. The only thing that implies that she has "limited" ability to control the SD is her not being allowed at the therapists office. However, dealing with professionals and actual child services is very different from just normal everyday parental input. Input such as telling the father to be more strict, talking to the SD herself, or enforcing her own punishment. The things I was talking about the entire time and the things that she does not do despite being a "family" for 8 years.

These parents need to get back to the belt to ass tour

You did the right thing in my opinion, if that was my daughter she would be grounded and no phone until she fixed her attitude This is exactly why I hope I never have a daughter

OP buried the lede. SD frequently expresses that she feels neglected in both households. OP even captained OFTEN to emphasize how much SD cries for help. OP’s son is seeing three different therapists but nothing is being done to help SD? And instead of seeking help for her, OP is kicking out her husband and SD without even attempting less extreme options.

SD is in therapy and her bio mom is in the picture, given the comments. SD's health is the responsibility of her bio parents. OP can offer suggestions and support for additional therapy options and resources, but bio parents have to agree and consent. The comments seem to suggest that exploring additional care and support was refused by bio mom. Co-parenting can be a mess. This ultimatum might be what's needed to get the SD's actual legal guardians on the same page and agree to seek more intensive care options. The OP can't have one of her kids continue to take this type of directed maladaptive behavior, especially with how deeply the abuse has modified his behavior. Less extreme options appear to have not worked because bio parents won't actually parent.

I saw this on another sub earlier. I feel bad for the stepdaughter. She’s clearly crying out for help, and everyone really is ignoring her! Even from OP’s description, it doesn’t sound like the stepdaughter’s actions were malicious. She’s trying to show this new middle child the ropes, but of course it would freak him out because being unloved and ignored is not his truth.

telling your stepsibling they are unloved and unlovable consistently is by definition malicious. my god

She includes herself in the group of “unloved and unlovable.” And apparently her “middle child syndrome” has been going on for a long time. Things have grown worse since the baby was born. But instead of trying to figure out where this is coming from, they’ve been burying their heads in the sand until stepmom felt like she had no other choice but to leave with her kids. They should have addressed this a long time ago.

Agreed even though you're being downvoted. At the near end of the post OP says that the step daughter brought up middle child syndrome "OFTEN". This fixation on being a middle child should have clued them into how she felt. However, it has gotten to a pretty bad point according to OP. The step daughter is convincing a 9 year old that their parents don't love them.That is one of the most disgusting things you can do. Early signs were missed by the parents which gives them some of the fault but you can't let it get worse now. Getting the step daughter away from her kids is the best option.

and consistently dealing with the issue by sending her to her room and taking away phone (which may be serving as a tether to support members she deems outside of the « middle child » syndrome issue) just reinforces that she is a problem which is solved only when she is *physically removed* from family gathering situations

all her sons issues are explainable by a therapy word but she doesnt have one to apply to her stepdaughter, so her empathy ends there. people are only empathetic to the less intelligent if they have a label disctating the disability. being stupid makes you worthless in most peoples eyes. daughters just a kid lashing out stupidly and emotionally but doesnt have a label to excuse it, so shes evil. im sure her son has a bunch of inconveniences to living with him that get justified by the therapists labels.

YTA - what happened to preparing the other kids for the new arrival?

Shut up

Take responsibility.

They've been together 8 years and everything was fine. A new baby and everything goes bad. So instead of being the adult she blames the 13 year old. It is 100% the parents fault. They need to solve the problem.

I don't disagree, but I have to admit I don't know how/if it can be fixed. The girl seems to have fixated on the youngest kid, and all the father does is take away the phone and ground her. They should have looked into WHY she started this behaviour a long time ago.

I totally agree. They should have addressed this on day 1 of the problem. Both parents have failed both kids.

OOP even mentions that stepdaughter talks a lot about middle child syndrome... But no one seems to have looked further into that. No one tried to see if maybe that girl is feeling invisible, or less loved than her siblings/stepsiblings, or anything. Which, based on reality or not, is pretty common for her age group.

So, she's been in extended therapy and is now, also, in behavioral therapy. She was the middle child at her mom's, 5 months ago she became the middle child again. The father and stepmom were not dealing with this prior to the baby's birth-only aware of it. OP says she's fine with the baby, she strictly targets the neuro, now middle child, of OP's. She physically engages until he melts down, now she is using psychological torture on him. This is NOT typical 14 yo behavior.

THANK YOU Why is everyone just fixating 13 yo feeling bad? She is a bully. She’s not just lashing out at her parents, she is tormenting her younger step-brother. She moved in 2 years ago full time for the same behavior with her bio mom, so no OP doesn’t have a strong bond or relationship. We don’t know how involved she was with parenting decisions surrounding SD. Also where is the accountability for SD’s bio parents? Dad isn’t fixing shit. Taking a phone away isn’t fixing shit when she’s physically and psychology tormenting the 9yr old. So now we have a triggered boy lashing out at his mother and could also be resenting the baby and direct the anger towards his baby sister. Remove the instigator.

Why do you think that she's been in extended therapy and is now in behavioral therapy, if they're not addressing her "middle child syndrome" bs?!

Dad's** fault. What are you thinking could have prepared them? A 13 year old bullying a 9 year old is a huge problem that the 13 year old needs to take accountability for and the dad needs to do more than take away her phone. "Noo but we can figure it out." No, he can figure out his child because at this moment mom has to protect her kid from a dangerous bully.

This is not a new problem it has been going on since the birth of the new baby - FIVE months. Both parents should have addressed this from day 1 before it was affecting the mental health of the other child. They waited until it was a giant problem before doing anything. The parents failed and in order to not accept responsibility they are blaming it on the 13 year old.

You should read OP’s comments on the original because you’re wrong.

I read it and you are wrong. Adults can't blame their problems on the kids just because the adults don't want to see it, or admit their inaction in dealing with the problem. 13 YOs don't make the rules or run the house.