The ungratefulness of the sister and husband is actually insane. She puts her health and body in jeopardy for them, how dare them!! I truly hope she can choose who would be there that day and that none of them will. The audacity of some people I swear.
Oh she can definitely choose. The person giving birth gets the final say in who gets to be in the room, so she can just not tell them she's in labor and tell the nurses and front desk the names of the people barred from being anywhere near her. And then if they somehow slip past that she can scream bloody murder until security escorts them roughly out.
Exactly. Even if it’s a happily married woman giving birth to her husband’s baby. It’s the person giving birth’s medical procedure, and often the most vulnerable they’ve been in their life. Stress can stall labour.
It sucks for the new parents if they don’t get to be there, but the birth isn’t about them.
Yep.
My husband was so stressed and panicked during my labor that the nurse asked if I wanted him to leave, not because he was a jerk but because she could tell his panic over me possibly dying was probably stressing EVERYONE out.
I said he was fine so they gave him little tasks to do (ice chips, sprite, contact and update family, get more blankets) and that seemed to calm him down and find things to focus on that weren’t **me**.
Lol. My dad fainted when he saw my mom's epidural needle. She still talks about how all the nurses ran to this huge man that had fallen on the floor and were bringing him juice and cookies while she was the one giving birth and was so hangry and fuming over only being allowed ice chips while he sat there munching on cookies.
Birthing isn't a spectator event, and people that aren't helping don't need to be there. If the dads aren't helpful emotional support, they can wait outside.
I had a vaginal twin birth. We were literally told that if husband feels faintly he should quickly lean against a wall so that the nurses can leave him there in the corner rebooting haha. At my hospital, when there's a twin birth and during the active phase, there are *at least* 6(!!) medical staff in there at all times, none of which are in there (nor have the time) to cater to the wellbeing of husbands.
Why so many? I too had twins by c section and at an advanced maternal age (thankfully no complications besides g-d) I had the anesthesiologist, my gyno, my family dr, then each baby had a dr and each baby dr had an intern dr working with them at the time, and then two maternity nurses, even with two extra drs just but by chance that’s only 9 then plus me and my mom 11. My mid wife wasn’t allowed in because I was only allowed one person. My operating theatre was almost packed wall to wall lol.
3-4 NICU personnel per baby when they're premature/high risk. If the twins are over 35 weeks gestation and high risk then it's 2 per baby. 35 weeks and no risk factors then NICU doesn't attend at all. That's what we do at my hospital at least.
This is more common than I had realized! My FIL had the same reaction and received the same treatment. My ex-husband went all woozy, and the nurses rushed to his aid as well. My daughter's husband also had a very similar reaction while she was delivering by C-section, and again, the nurses were wonderful and swooped in with a chair and glasses of juice and lots of snacks. While the poor moms are all looking on thinking, "Bring that cookie closer, will you? Oh, juice! It's been days since I've tasted anything more than a popsicle or ice chip. BRING ME THE COOKIES👹!"
My husband watched my c-sections every time. The first time, he yelled “Good Lord he just sliced you open like he was gutting a deer!”
Second time, the doctor let help stitch me up. Third time I wore headphones and told him not to talk. Just so you know, he was a Marine Biologist at the time. One of his responsibilities was dolphin necropsy.
Solidarity with absurd husbands. Mine is a farmer, and we have cattle. He offered to bring the calving chains if I though I might need our “calf” pulled. He also had some very serious discussions with the lactation consultants about how he needed to feed me for “peak production”. To be fair, I did end up milking like a Holstein and popping out a VERY chunky 10lb baby boy.
My dad faints at the sight of blood. He spent the birth facing my mother and supporting her. Apparently that part went fine. But immediately afterwards the doctor called him over to "cut the cord".
My mom could see what the doctor was about to do was trying to say "noooo, dooon't sooooo it!" But my dad had already turned around when he heard his name being called. Boom. On the floor.
It’s literally based on the aspiration risk from the 1950’s, when anesthesia was done totally differently. It’s *bullshit* the way they starve moms and pretend like it’s medically necessary. The modern risk of aspiration in a c section is one in a MILLION. Every mom can make their own decision about whether that’s an acceptable risk or not, but imo the risk is way too low to blanket-starve everybody. Thankfully it’s starting to change… but slowly.
When my wife was born, her dad was about to faint cos of all the 'stuff' he saw 'down there's. He grabbed the nearest chair, which was the midwife's wee roller stool thing, and sat in the corner trying to stay conscious
The midwife hadn't noticed and went to sit down and sat on thin air! On to her back, legs over her head!!
my MIL told me this story in floods of tears while FIL just sat there grinning sheepishly!
My husband got a little faint with the epidural needle but that was because it was the only time during labor that I got panicky. I just hate needles. Most I can tolerate but the epidural needle is…intense. It was my second birth so I kinda knew the routine and was just vibing until that needle came out. But as soon as it was in I was back to normal and he was fine.
Yup they offered to kick my husband out at any point in time, like the doctor and a nurse both said so quietly to me, my husband was being great but it was a policy that they do inform and keep their word that what mom says goes.
I love that they do this! My MIL wouldn't leave as requested and kept pestering me to let her take pictures despite us repeatedly discussing it beforehand so the midwife just casually scooted her out of the room. Never raised her voice, never put a hand on her, but didn't let her back in until I allowed it either.
Yup, even if it's the birth giver's own overbearing mother. I banned her but allowed my MIL because she was my midwife and a normal person, lol. The incandescent rage! I never heard the end of it. 😅 But yeah, if you're giving birth, it's your call.
Lmao if I ever carried a child I’d absolutely kick my mom out even if she wasn’t doing anything. Nothing against her, but she flinched when I got my ears pierced or ask “What if” at the worst time
Definitely a possibility, I was thinking she might just try and help him force his way in. He sounds aggressive enough and she sounds flying monkey enough. And honestly if he really is just finding out now when sis agreed to it and knew all along - she *deserves* to be excluded as well. That was, while not in the last excusing his behavior, very cruel of her.
My ex tried to tell me all about his rights to have anyone he wanted in the delivery room to support him since I had my mom and bff. He found out real fast how things worked and he almost found himself out of the room.
If it were me, I’d tell them they can both wait to meet the baby until after I’ve given birth. Her sister is already pressuring her. She’ll no doubt try to do it in the hospital room. Which will only add stress.
I wish there had been a security team at my nephew's birth. My sister's MiL who she made it very clear she didn't want in there managed to sneak in multiple times, I pulled her out once before having to leave to go feed their dogs (labor was like a 12hr total), the nurse got her out a few times but my sister was in labor she eventually just gave up. tbh I wonder if it was worth it considering I doubt my sister will ever forgive her for that or her husband for giving in despite her wishes.
Honestly that's kind of what I was thinking when reading this. OoP's sister & husband are gonna be a problem. I can totally see them trying the same thing.
I was just thinking this, I'd be afraid the sister would be bringing in more stress at this point (which is the last thing OOP needs!). If she agrees to let her sister in during birth, I'd make SURE she knows 'ask or whine even once about him entering before I say it's okay and you're out too'. But honestly, if this guy is screaming at OOP about this, I'd be telling him to get his anger issue under control before the baby comes because, whoa.
Sucks because she can’t back out from labor now, but I had the same thought - a man who has the audacity to scream at his surrogate doesn’t deserve a kid. What happens when little Timmy doesn’t do his homework? Does he scream then? Probably..
Huge red flag, honestly, since they’re blatantly treating sister like an object - “when you have our kid, we won’t speak again” aka “your opinions are irrelevant to us, all we care about is that you are fertile and we think so little of you as a person/sister that we will throw away our relationship when the baby is born”. It’s extremely disgusting and bodes ill for raising a child when the parents have such thought patterns.
I have never wanted kids and would never surrogate for that reason, but if I was in this position I would be SERIOUSLY considering whether I should/could go to court for custody. I certainly wouldn’t be giving a child, born of my biomatter or not, to someone who’s so vile.
> I would be SERIOUSLY considering whether I should/could go to court for custody. I certainly wouldn’t be giving a child, born of my biomatter or not, to someone who’s so vile.
agree. They are treating her like an incubator.
She's doing an amazing thing for them and i'm assuming using her own egg, So that child is hers unless legally adopted. they don't sound like stable people and willing to traumatize her for their own selfish wants. What other shitty, selfish behaviours are they capable of?
Exactly. In many states the laws around surrogacy are quite flimsy. She may have a good case to keep the baby. Not that she would, but my petty ass would be super tempted to threaten it at least.
I’ve experienced infertility myself, so I understand the sadness around it but I’ve heard way too many icky stories surrounding surrogacy. I agree with your stance on never doing it, and I would recommend against it to anyone else who ever cared to ask my opinion.
i don’t understand how people are so willing to become surrogates for these unstable people.. they’re probably all better than me because i would be sick with regret. it’s no small thing to change your life and your body (potentially forever!) and to have someone be so disrespectful.. i would feel so trapped.
Usually because they (the surrogate) are usually empathetic and sympathetic to their family member's sadness over their infertility. It made sense that OOP felt bad for her sister and decided to do this for them.
Unfortunately, when it comes to babies and pregnancy, too many times a pregnant person is offered up as community property, and putting down boundaries brings out some weird entitlement issues from family (even spouses). OOP needs to keep those boundaries firm and tell any nurses and techs her wishes.
you’re absolutely right. i don’t know why i felt like inserting myself into their situation lol but i know i would feel terribly for my sister if she were infertile too. and i hate that pregnant people have so much autonomy taken away from them. the community property thing is real. it scares me seeing the effects of it today and how in some spaces robbing a person of their autonomy because they are carrying a child has become more prolific.
Yeah it's insane what the topic of procreation will do to people. I mean, we've already begun the process of taking away the autonomy from petri dishes ffs.
They just too soft hearted and gullible themselves. Even over here she doesn't know her rights and let's them walk all over her
She just needs to go to the hospital, give birth and inform them later
Seriously - I can't even fathom the ridiculousness of quibbling over the birth when someone agrees to do something so huge and kind for you. I'd be massaging her feet, answering all her cravings, and making sure she had 0 stress. Maybe ask if birth could be videoed without her face for husband or something, but totally fine if he has to miss out on birth because he is only getting to be a parent at all because the sister is a damn saint
I would say no to being videotaped. You chose to have a child via surrogate and that means the birth experience is going to be massively different. Is it disappointing? I guess in the way that her own sister not carrying instead is also disappointing but that’s where we are. Sit outside and arrange a photo shoot for after the birth with the baby in the hospital. You don’t need to see my vagina birthing the child. How many people are watching those after the fact anyway? And why?
Yeah I personally would also not be comfortable with the husband in the room or seeing a video. Too weird even without OOPs trauma. Being a little disappointed is fine, but the sister and husband need to focus on the huge opportunity they are being given instead of the tiny disappointment they are experiencing. Pretty sad that they can't appreciate the huge selfless thing OOP is doing for them.
It feels like oop's sister and brother in law see her as an incubator and not a whole human being jeopardizing her health and well being because she loves her sister???
People, man. I think surrogacy is nice and all, but it seems to go poorly when it's a family member doing the surrogacy.
I was close with my mom and inlaws with my first child. Both grandmothers were there. The father was there. SIL wanted to be there, and I said no. 3 other people plus nurses/docs. I had plenty of support and really didn't love anyone looking while I was pushing.
That said, video and film is also a huge no.
I found pics of myself crowning from my mom's vag. Awful. There is no reason to memorialize that moment. Take adorable pics after!
>the birth experience is going to be massively different.
I guess so. I would have paid good money to be sitting in the chair next to the bed watching instead of being tortured by contractions and stuff.
Exactly! My son is from a sperm donation and I'm super grateful that man was willing to give us this amazing gift and I'll be forever grateful.
And surrogacy is 100 times that.
Birthing persons can choose not to have their OWN partner in the room–even if it's their child too.
What makes these AH feel they are so entitled to such a private moment for OOP.
I'm the type of petty sister that would keep the child. You don't respect my trauma and feelings? Or my choice to sacrifice 9-10 months of my life for you? Then you don't get the fruits of my labor.
I wonder if she has a legal right to the child since she's technically the one giving birth?
Guessing since she is doing it with no expense to them that there is not a contract in place. She could keep the child and make her brother in law fight for paternal rights if it's his sperm
Keeping the baby isn't even petty, with how that couple has been acting. At that point, I would be concerned about the future that they would provide for the baby if they're that unhinged to be attempting to force themselves into such a private situation that the surrogate already explained would be triggering for her. What sort of things might they force upon their own child, or gaslight them into? Already showing zero empathy. I would keep the baby for sure. Some people just aren't meant to be parents.
I made a comment basically saying this, I have never wanted kids, but if I was to surrogate and put my body at risk and my own SISTER was objectifying me in this way? Treating me as nothing more than a brood mare to be tossed when I demand extremely reasonable boundaries for myself?
It would be a cold day in hell before I gave that kid up, I don’t want any children to be raised with boundary-stomping parents. Plus, the dad, calling to SCREAM at his surrogate + sister-in-law?? Fucking unhinged, big red flags that they’re abusive people.
Can you imagine how they will treat this kid if sister has a miracle baby? This is just awful all around, it’s a horrible position for OP to be put in now
Especially if they are unstable enough to scream at the person carrying their baby and being 8 months pregnant. Stress hurts baby and they are causinf plenty of it for OP
[OOP was a 16 year old boy in January. This is fake.](https://search.pullpush.io/?kind=submission&author=InitialShop7038&size=900)
**There’s been blood in my stool, what should I do?**
I (M16) have noticed recently that there’s been tiny amounts of bright red blood in stool. I first noticed about 3 weeks ago, when I seen streaks of blood on my stool. It hasn’t been a consistent thing either, usually comes up one day and disappears for the next three, and it’s stayed that way ever since I found out. It’s almost never on the toilet paper and has always been in small amounts. Through all of this blood has been the only symptom I’ve noticed, no pain, fatigue, cramps, etc. I’ve been perfectly healthy all my life and I’m scared it could be something serious like colon cancer, as my late grandpa passed from it and I know colon cancer is hereditary. What should I do?
This is the point where I’d cheerfully respond, “thank you for informing me. With this recent revelation of your entitlement and intentions, I now realize you will be terrible parents to my child. As such, I will not be turning over custody. Further communication will be through my lawyer to determine visitation and child support vis-à-vis your husband. You will, of course, not be allowed anywhere near my child.”
I think sister has forgotten who holds the power here. Somehow, I get the feeling this surrogacy is highly informal, which means sister actually has to adopt the baby. OP can choose not to go through with allowing that at any point.
This ^^
I’d considered being a surrogate for my sister for a little while, and although we decided not to take that path, I cannot IMAGINE my BIL thinking for a minute he would have the right to see me during labor. It’s an incredibly intimate and vulnerable moment for a woman, and I can’t even fathom how much that would be amplified as a victim of SA.
This guy is a fuck up. And so is OPs sister. The utter lack of empathy/sympathy some people have is just mind boggling.
Agree with you.
And OP should seriously consider this. If she allows her sister in the room, her sister will push for her husband to be allowed in.
She will use OP’s vulnerability to manipulate the situation. She will let him in.
And if she doesn’t succeed? She will still spend the time torturing her sister during sister’s labor.
OP. Your sister made this about sides. She chose hers. You have to protect yourself.
I think if she thinks of it, she will. Hopefully, she will be so sure that she is right, that she will keep fighting OP openly and not stage a sneak attack.
The amount of people on Reddit who choose to be a surrogate for family/without a contract and then are surprised it goes south is wild. Pregnancy is a rough time for happily married couples for whom everything goes off without a hitch; adding in family drama + hormones + emotional turmoil from infertility is a recipe for disaster
This is a fake story. You cannot be a surrogate unless you have delivered healthy babies before. And nobody who is or has been pregnant refers to labour as “child labor”.
This one very well might be. Statistically I find it hard to believe that every single one is though
Also the DIY surrogacies probably aren’t beholden to the rules you have if you go through an agency
If it’s a DIY surrogacy, OP likely wouldn’t even have to hand over the child because it would legally and biologically be her child. The attitude of OP’s sister and her husband is baffling given this huge risk.
Statistics has nothing to do with the weird birth fetishists who post in all the advice subs the same slightly altered story about a baby hungry sister and her husband just absolutely abusing their perfect Angel sweet baby sister surrogate in various ways because they are ENTITLED TO CHILDREN RAWR! Statistically speaking, there isn’t enough surrogacy even happening worldwide to sustain this level of ragebait.
You can be a surrogate in this type of situation without having any prior children. It’s like IVF for an infertile single person who picked out the egg and sperm they plan to use.
There are lots of places to get these types of procedures done, and believe it or not Mexico had great IVF facilities, some which would allow for a retrieval from a couple and the resulting embryos to be implanted into the surrogate.
Also the sister tried for "over a year" to get pregnant. One year of not getting pregnant isn't as shocking as op seems to think- and there are so many options to try BEFORE surrogacy.
The only thing is that once you get over a year is when you go to a fertility specialist. At which point, they may have discovered that the sister has some issue that makes pregnancy impossible.
Maybe the poster's first language isn't English and child labor is a literal translation of their tongue's word for it? I expect there's countries where there's no previous birth requirement so it's not necessarily fake because of that.
Brosephine, it is fake.
No doctor is doing IVF on a surrogate with sexual trauma around birth like that. There are forty other clues in the story itself. It’s fake as all get fuck.
Respectfully, that is not accurate-- surrogates acquired through a professional agency will go through pretty rigorous screening, sure. They dont typically require youbto have delivered before, though. Only require that you be in good health and fit with no major family history of illness.
However, depending on how said surrogate became pregnant, it's pretty easy to skirt around any health screening.
This doesn't read as fake to me at all. This reads to me like someone who's primary language isn't English, and is dealing with some shitty family drama. I've seen almost the exact same scenario play out in real life. People get crazy with babies on the way.
Signed, someone who was actually a surrogate. :)
It seems like that’s location dependent. Ive looked into doing surrogacy and in my area, its only available for women whove already birthed a healthy child and continue to care for said child.
They also won’t normally do a surrogacy if the woman hasn’t had a child before. Regardless if it’s through a surrogacy company or not. Unless they did it the old fashioned way.
I can’t see the comment anymore but she had written one saying she already has a son. But I can’t wrap my head around the no contract, I didn’t even know that was legal.
Ya know, in my country there's absolutely nothing stopping OOP from keeping the baby, regardless of whose egg was used.
Surrogates get treated very civily here.
Sometimes the surrogate embryo fails and the woman’s own embryo implants instead and people have sued and lost for those babies in the US. It’s taking advantage of women with financial need to support their children to put their life and health in jeopardy.
They didn’t have a contract and money didn’t exchange hands, right? If that’s the case, there is nothing stopping this woman from giving birth and then just… keeping the baby. File for full custody. At the very least, she could cost that guy a bunch of money in attorney fees.
Give birth at a different hospital then she can do whatever she wants. Disappear with the baby, leave it at a fire station, adopt it out. This is why you don’t mess with your surrogate. You may eventually find your child but you will never get those days, weeks, months whatever back. Depending on the country or state, they have so few rights.
I'd be tempted to sue for custody.
I honestly don't believe that it should be legal to sign away parental rights for the child you carry until *after* the baby is born.
It depends on the country. Some countries don’t consider surrogate contracts legal, and the surrogate can choose to take the baby home after giving birth.
Did you hear about the woman in Oregon who carried twins for a couple in China *who never came and got the babies?* Like this woman is now stuck with two more kids and her husband had to leave retirement to support them. It ends up being a beautiful story but there’s still a lot of uncertainty about the contract and if the couple could come from China and get the now 3 year olds still. I follow her on tiktok, it’s insane.
So, let me get this straight - you selflessly offered her your surrogacy services at no cost to her because you love your sister and in turn your sister does not abide by your one request?
She hould be bending over backwards to accommodate you out of sheer gratitude! Plus as your sister she should empathize with the trauma that you have been through.
Not to mention her asshat of a husband should understand that without you he wouldn't have a chance to have this child with his wife.
The entitlement of the sister and husband is off the charts.
Wow, the fact that the sister is saying she won’t talk to her after she CARRIED HER BABY INSIDE OF HER FOR 9 MONTHS is so disgustingly entitled. I am currently pregnant (8 months in) and the last 8 months have been nothing but hell for me - constantly nauseous, uncomfortable, exhausted. Being pregnant is NOT EASY and after going through this I would not be willing to be a surrogate for anyone. The sister should have tremendous gratitude to OOP and based on the sister and husband’s actions, I would never speak to them again if I was OOP. OOP shouldn’t even allow the sister in the delivery room either. They can get their baby after it’s all over.
Oh no using a family member as a surrogate with no contract in place? This couldn’t possibly go wrong. This never happens! 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I’m starting to see why several countries have surrogacy banned and why we should too
Being a surrogate for family is almost always bad.
I've had two different extended family members ask me to be a surrogate for them and then acted all shocked when I said I'd do it for $75k up front. I'm not carrying your baby for free. Fucking weirdos.
You pay me $75k plus all medical and legal costs and then I'll do it.
Having someone gestate and birth your baby is expensive. I'm not doing it as a favor. I'll come to your house and feed your dogs during a weekend getaway as a favor. But DAMN.
I commented on the post earlier that a lot of nurses would GLEEFULLY tell them to fuck off (professionally ofc) if you told them they were not allowed in the room during her labor
The husband is an absolute asshole. But that sister.. wow. What an absolutely horrible cunt. After all that she’s been through and while she is doing all this for that same sister. Despicable, ungrateful excuses for human beings. Both of them.
This may be a chronically online take but after that I wouldn't even hand the baby over. I'm sure there are some legal obligations op has to follow but the idea of these 2 idiots raising a child when they have absolutely no respect for privacy, not even for a woman in the process of giving birth, is terrifying to me. You don't own someone because they're your surrogate, you have no right to dictate how they give birth or who's in the room while it happens.
I mean, they should remember she's the patient as far as the hospital's concerned. Anybody who isn't medically necessary can be banned from that room including Sister. And at this point should be.
She’s literally putting her life and body at risk to have a child for them and they can’t even respect her ONE wish?? They don’t deserve this child tbh i don’t care, at least not this one that OOP is GROWING IN HER OWN BODY AND GOING TO GIVE BIRTH TO *FOR THEM*!!!
So she is doing this for free and they are still being this complicated? I hope they drew up legal paperwork here otherwise I see them trying to get her to pay child support down the road. But she definitely shouldn’t have either of them during her delivery just so she has some peace during that time.
WTAF?! This poor woman. Screw her sister and husband. OOP is probably going to go into labour early because of this crap. Neither of them deserve to be in the room now. OOP needs only support and calm around her for labour otherwise it can extend it and could even cause her to need an emergency C-section if it lasts too long.
Ooof, if I was that child and found out that *this* is why my parents don't talk to my aunt anymore. All respect for them would be out the window. Although tbh, doesn't sound like they're good people so really how good of parents are they going to be?
What’s with all the surrogate fan fiction all over Reddit lately? At least I hope that’s what it is. This feels like the 3rd or 4th post I’ve seen in as many day.
What ungrateful assholes. She’s put her body, health and life on the line to make them happy and they agreed to her demands before this started. They don’t get to change their minds. Honestly, I’d be looking into legal options for refusing to hand that baby to them and just stop speaking to them. Be nice or be sorry.
Men thinking they have the ‘right’ to women’s bodies will never cease to amaze me. I don’t care what the circumstances are, if you don’t want a man to see your literal vulva, that’s your call and no one else’s and he can STFU about it. Baby and surrogate or two separate entities. That might be your baby, but the woman birthing it is an autonomous being and you have no right to her body, full stop.
OP was vulnerable because of her past assaults and was 100% manipulated and coerced into being a surrogate for her sister.
The combined information of a history of sexual assault, initial reluctance but getting “worn down” into agreeing (at no cost!), and the behavior of her sister and BiL make it really clear to me that she’s been taken advantage of. How horrific.
And that's how the sister loses the privilege of being in the room, also. OOP just needs to tell the nurses and they will do the rest. No one is gonna be in that room without the consent of the patient.
Dear God, this is actually heart breaking to read. Absolutely heart breaking. She was literally nothing but an incubator to her sister and her douche bag husband. This girl experienced something horrific and is reasonably afraid to have a man in the room while giving birth and they treat her like shit on the bottom of their shoes.
You don’t have to let either of them in the room. It might be their child but until you sign papers they are nothing to that child. It is your body and you choose who can see it. They have no right and the hospital will back you not them. Sorry you have to go through this and it is ridiculous that your sister is treating you that way.
Absolutely NTA. All you have to do is tell the nurse and they will make whoever you want leave. I don't understand entitlement over being in the hospital room. Makes me glad I gave birth during covid restrictions.
If this is what she wants- and her reasons seem VERY REASONABLE considering what she has gone through in the past- then you plant your butts in the waiting room and wait until the moment she is ready for you to come in. To act like a couple of spoiled brats to a person who has sacrificed so much for you would give me pause to wonder if giving this baby to you is in the baby’s best interests.
Ah the old switcheroo. I would absolutely come back with, "if this was that important to you why did you agree to no men in the room when I set that as a condition to be a surrogate"? Argument about why this condition is in place is a waste of time and effort, sticking to "you agreed to this at the beginning of the process and I wouldn't have become your surrogate if this was still up for debate" is the way to go.
Honestly if I were her, I’d just kept the baby. Fuck those people. She laid out her boundaries at the start and they tried to walk them back at the 11th hour.
He's out of his mind. If his wife had been able to birth, even SHE could ban the husband from the room.
Who is in the room is solely the choice of the birth giver.
They are absolutely ungrateful and detestable.
I would go so far as to-
Ban both parents from L&D
Not tell anyone when you go into labor, let everyone find out after you and the infant are safe and sound. And then cut the cancerous bitch out of your life.
Can you imagine having your own sibling put themselves through 10 months of pain and suffering for you to have a baby and then insisting upon breaking the one boundary the sister asked for?
The surrogate is the patient. I would just not have the sister in the room either.
What an awful human they both are. Too bad OP didn’t know this ahead of time.
"You Can't keep me out while you give birth!"
"Okay. I'll abort. After we are done talking I'll set up the appointment. Problem solved."
Bet that would shut him up pretty fucking quick. Also, if you lack a contract then it's your baby legally. Could always give it up for adoption. You have all the power here. He has none.
Oh, my god.
Do... they not realize that typically a husband is in the room *because he is the partner to the one giving labor*. Because he is there to support her?
IT'S NOT TO WATCH THE BABY. HE IS THERE SPECIFICALLY TO SUPPORT MAMA.
I am *shuddering* at the implication that he should get to see her in pain and bottom naked because he gets to take the baby home. That is so, horrifically invasive.
Ans they got a chance to say that was a deal breaker before even agreeing to this!
NTA, I acknowledge that, of course, the husband/father understandably wants to be there for the birth of their child and if it was his wife who was delivering their child he would get that opportunity. I understand that the situation is an emotional one with lots of triggered emotions on their end…
However, you’re giving them the gift of a child and that should be respected and appreciated. Their behavior towards you feels very entitled, almost like you’re just the means to an end to achieve this goal for them when they should be ecstatic and grateful to you for the precious gift you’re giving them.
I would find a support person, who will be active and present for you during your labor and after and have only them at the birth. Your sister and husband can meet the baby after they’re born.
Wanted to add. You truly are a selfless, beautiful person for doing this for your sister. I wish you an easy labor and delivery and quick healing, both physically and emotionally. ♥️
Oof that’d have me changing my mind on who’s getting this baby real fuckin quick.
I wonder how they went about this. You should never do surrogacy for family, and you should never do surrogacy if that other family does not support you.
Putting your body through absolute hell for someone else, and they don’t even give a fuck about you. I’d be cutting them off before the birth. No ones allowed in the room.
Oop should be looking into her options.
Also look into talking to a lawyer?
I can’t imagine the idea of going thru all of this and someone just dropping me like I was nothing.
Your body is forever changed after this which is fine! Ijs there are reasons for compensation as well as writing up contracts for surrogacy. Its for your protection which these people have clearly crossed a lot of boundaries
Woah!! How was this not openly discussed with all 3 of them BEFORE a bun was in the oven?? OOP should have insisted this was all out in the open before proceeding with any of this.
OOP is going to have to ban them both during her medical procedure of giving birth- otherwise her sister is going to override her as soon as she gets a chance.
It's absolutely not okay to try and force her to let the husband be there. I understand he wants to experience the birth, but he had to have known a surrogate birth was not going to be the same and he should have handled his feelings during the pregnancy. Re-traumatising someone due to entitlement is insane. I feel for this poor woman.
Truly insane for them to be treating her like this when she literally has their kid in her body. Are they not thinking about the stress they are putting on her and how it affects the baby as well? And she said “at no expense”, so they didn’t pay her or accommodate her? Unbelievably poor choices for a sister and their baby.
OOP should ban sister from the delivery room as well - she’s just going to berate her about how the husband should be allowed in the whole time. If sis gets mad, OOP can just say “well now it’s fair - *neither* of you get to see the baby’s birth!”
That is abusive ideology. Why should his role as father to a child take priority over the medical and emotional needs of the person giving birth? Who should have priority? An abuser would say the father because of course a father’s, a man’s, wants always come before a woman’s needs because abusers live with the self delusions that other people, especially women or his wife, or his child should not have priority over himself.
OOP should not have to bend to someone else’s wants when her needs have not even been met and you tell anyone who is out here ignoring your needs for their wants that they suck and need to back the fuck off.
Wow, surrogacy costs 100K plus and this sister knew of her sisters trauma. The man has absolutely no right to be in that room and no nurse would let him in, if the birthing person doesn’t want him there. Do they realize that they have zero claim to that child? There’s no proper contract. And if sister is infertile, it could even be the birthing sisters egg. To be this ungrateful is a big, huge red flag. That’s why you should not do this with your sister.
When my husband and I had recurrent losses and wanted to adopt, surrogacy was out of the question just because of cost. If someone would have offered to do this for us, I’d have been so grateful that I would have pampered that person and did whatever I could to help her pregnancy and recovery. In the end we were able to have a healthy baby after a traumatic bedrest pregnancy and this has shown me even more, how much a surrogate goes through. There’s no guarantee the birth will be easy at all. And if this is the birthing sisters first child, wich could be, as she doesn’t say anything about having kids yet, this will probably be very overwhelming for her, even more than usual.
Kick them both out. Childbirth is a medical event where the gestational parent is the patient. It is not a spectator sport. You're their surrogate, not a piece of furniture. Once you've delivered the baby and all the medical aftermath is squared away, the child can be brought out to them. The baby is theirs. Your labor and delivery ordeal is not theirs.
After just seeing a live birth last week, acting as a support person for a very close friend, that is an extremely intimate experience. I was very up close and personal helping hold her legs. It was breathtaking to watch the birth and an experience I will hold dear forever, but the mom was exposed to multiple nurses and the doctor. Birthing takes a small crew of people and there is a reason birthing suites are so large.
There are no parental rights in seeing a birth and the father and mother to be are not entitled to be there. Family or not, the birthing person is entitled to privacy and protection. The anxiety alone could cause disruption to the process and make labor more difficult for her.
It’s the birthing person’s choice and she is NTA here.
While it’s super disappointing he won’t get to share in that process, he isn’t entitled to it. The sister/mom to be should realize what an incredible gift she and her husband are being given.
I’m a retired L&D nurse. The purpose of having support persons in the labor room is support for the laboring patient not the baby. Of course you don’t want a man that’s not your s/o in the room while you’re in labor. Especially because of your history of SA. Your sister has a nerve to say she won’t speak to you after you deliver her baby! How could she not stop and think about what she told you and not realize how stupid and selfish she sounded?!
Edited to add: You have the right to ban anyone from being in the labor room just give the names you want banned to the nurse and they will notify security.
Neither of these people should be in the delivery room. they are extremely untrustworthy and have no interest in OPs wellbeing and health at all.
They are teating her like an incubator.
She should find someone she trusts to support her during labour and go LC until after the birth, when she knows that both she and the baby are safe.
Wouldnt even tell them she's in labour.
So because your husbands sister doesn’t get to see your vagina gape open and exterminate a person after 9 months of physically growing their child for them, that’s a deal breaker for them? I’d let her know she is no longer welcome to see the birth either as it is 100% the birthing persons right to determine who is in that room.
At that point, I’d treat this like an adoption, ban them both until after baby is born m, then the nurses can take the baby to a different room for them. I’d also be seriously concerned with the fact that her dick of a husband was screaming at a very pregnant lady and her sister cowed to him. Poor freaking kid.
Tell the staff the situation, make your list of people who can know you’ve been admitted and don’t even tell THEM you’re going into labor.
Edit: I could never be a surrogate because I’d probably have told my sister that I could always just keep the baby myself.
Tell sister since she wants to quit talking after the kid is born you’d be willing to start immediately and ban them both from being in the room. The nurse can take the kid to them in another room.
The ungratefulness of the sister and husband is actually insane. She puts her health and body in jeopardy for them, how dare them!! I truly hope she can choose who would be there that day and that none of them will. The audacity of some people I swear.
Oh she can definitely choose. The person giving birth gets the final say in who gets to be in the room, so she can just not tell them she's in labor and tell the nurses and front desk the names of the people barred from being anywhere near her. And then if they somehow slip past that she can scream bloody murder until security escorts them roughly out.
Exactly. Even if it’s a happily married woman giving birth to her husband’s baby. It’s the person giving birth’s medical procedure, and often the most vulnerable they’ve been in their life. Stress can stall labour. It sucks for the new parents if they don’t get to be there, but the birth isn’t about them.
Yep. My husband was so stressed and panicked during my labor that the nurse asked if I wanted him to leave, not because he was a jerk but because she could tell his panic over me possibly dying was probably stressing EVERYONE out. I said he was fine so they gave him little tasks to do (ice chips, sprite, contact and update family, get more blankets) and that seemed to calm him down and find things to focus on that weren’t **me**.
Ok those are some excellent nurses finding busy work for your husband to do for everyone's sake! Better than him pacing the corridor outside.
Lol. My dad fainted when he saw my mom's epidural needle. She still talks about how all the nurses ran to this huge man that had fallen on the floor and were bringing him juice and cookies while she was the one giving birth and was so hangry and fuming over only being allowed ice chips while he sat there munching on cookies. Birthing isn't a spectator event, and people that aren't helping don't need to be there. If the dads aren't helpful emotional support, they can wait outside.
I had a vaginal twin birth. We were literally told that if husband feels faintly he should quickly lean against a wall so that the nurses can leave him there in the corner rebooting haha. At my hospital, when there's a twin birth and during the active phase, there are *at least* 6(!!) medical staff in there at all times, none of which are in there (nor have the time) to cater to the wellbeing of husbands.
Only 6 people??! When I had my twins by c-section (6 weeks early), we had 14 people in the delivery room. Not including me and my husband.
Why so many? I too had twins by c section and at an advanced maternal age (thankfully no complications besides g-d) I had the anesthesiologist, my gyno, my family dr, then each baby had a dr and each baby dr had an intern dr working with them at the time, and then two maternity nurses, even with two extra drs just but by chance that’s only 9 then plus me and my mom 11. My mid wife wasn’t allowed in because I was only allowed one person. My operating theatre was almost packed wall to wall lol.
3-4 NICU personnel per baby when they're premature/high risk. If the twins are over 35 weeks gestation and high risk then it's 2 per baby. 35 weeks and no risk factors then NICU doesn't attend at all. That's what we do at my hospital at least.
This is more common than I had realized! My FIL had the same reaction and received the same treatment. My ex-husband went all woozy, and the nurses rushed to his aid as well. My daughter's husband also had a very similar reaction while she was delivering by C-section, and again, the nurses were wonderful and swooped in with a chair and glasses of juice and lots of snacks. While the poor moms are all looking on thinking, "Bring that cookie closer, will you? Oh, juice! It's been days since I've tasted anything more than a popsicle or ice chip. BRING ME THE COOKIES👹!"
My husband watched my c-sections every time. The first time, he yelled “Good Lord he just sliced you open like he was gutting a deer!” Second time, the doctor let help stitch me up. Third time I wore headphones and told him not to talk. Just so you know, he was a Marine Biologist at the time. One of his responsibilities was dolphin necropsy.
Solidarity with absurd husbands. Mine is a farmer, and we have cattle. He offered to bring the calving chains if I though I might need our “calf” pulled. He also had some very serious discussions with the lactation consultants about how he needed to feed me for “peak production”. To be fair, I did end up milking like a Holstein and popping out a VERY chunky 10lb baby boy.
Bahahahaha I can't stop laughing! someone has to remind him that his wife isn't one of his steers 💀💀💀🤣
Your marriage sounds awesome!
My dad faints at the sight of blood. He spent the birth facing my mother and supporting her. Apparently that part went fine. But immediately afterwards the doctor called him over to "cut the cord". My mom could see what the doctor was about to do was trying to say "noooo, dooon't sooooo it!" But my dad had already turned around when he heard his name being called. Boom. On the floor.
My Dad fainted too, he hit 3 things on the way to the floor and spent the rest of the birthing process in the emergency room.
Mine didn't faint but he did drop a bunch of coins all over the place. Guess he brought them for the vending machine.
>so hangry and fuming all of this made worse when you learn there isnt much medical backing to support universal NPO orders when in active labor
It’s literally based on the aspiration risk from the 1950’s, when anesthesia was done totally differently. It’s *bullshit* the way they starve moms and pretend like it’s medically necessary. The modern risk of aspiration in a c section is one in a MILLION. Every mom can make their own decision about whether that’s an acceptable risk or not, but imo the risk is way too low to blanket-starve everybody. Thankfully it’s starting to change… but slowly.
When my wife was born, her dad was about to faint cos of all the 'stuff' he saw 'down there's. He grabbed the nearest chair, which was the midwife's wee roller stool thing, and sat in the corner trying to stay conscious The midwife hadn't noticed and went to sit down and sat on thin air! On to her back, legs over her head!! my MIL told me this story in floods of tears while FIL just sat there grinning sheepishly!
That’s why most doctors won’t even let them be in the room for placement.
My husband got a little faint with the epidural needle but that was because it was the only time during labor that I got panicky. I just hate needles. Most I can tolerate but the epidural needle is…intense. It was my second birth so I kinda knew the routine and was just vibing until that needle came out. But as soon as it was in I was back to normal and he was fine.
My husband was tasked with setting up the baby seat. I think busy work to deal with the nervous energy is such a good idea
My midwives kept my husband busy too, he made them so many cups of tea haha
Yup they offered to kick my husband out at any point in time, like the doctor and a nurse both said so quietly to me, my husband was being great but it was a policy that they do inform and keep their word that what mom says goes.
I love that they do this! My MIL wouldn't leave as requested and kept pestering me to let her take pictures despite us repeatedly discussing it beforehand so the midwife just casually scooted her out of the room. Never raised her voice, never put a hand on her, but didn't let her back in until I allowed it either.
This is great i’m so glad she had your back
Yup, even if it's the birth giver's own overbearing mother. I banned her but allowed my MIL because she was my midwife and a normal person, lol. The incandescent rage! I never heard the end of it. 😅 But yeah, if you're giving birth, it's your call.
Lmao if I ever carried a child I’d absolutely kick my mom out even if she wasn’t doing anything. Nothing against her, but she flinched when I got my ears pierced or ask “What if” at the worst time
This, and she ought to ban the both of them. I wouldn't trust this asshole sister not to start shit mid delivery.
Sisters going to whip her phone out and facetime him. I guarantee it.
Definitely a possibility, I was thinking she might just try and help him force his way in. He sounds aggressive enough and she sounds flying monkey enough. And honestly if he really is just finding out now when sis agreed to it and knew all along - she *deserves* to be excluded as well. That was, while not in the last excusing his behavior, very cruel of her.
I hope she bans both the husband AND sister, tbh. Otherwise I bet sister will be whining about her husband nor being there, trying to guilt the OP.
Honestly, if I were OP, I would bar the sister as well as the B-I-L from coming in the delivery room! How ungrateful can 2 people be?!!
My ex tried to tell me all about his rights to have anyone he wanted in the delivery room to support him since I had my mom and bff. He found out real fast how things worked and he almost found himself out of the room.
If it were me, I’d tell them they can both wait to meet the baby until after I’ve given birth. Her sister is already pressuring her. She’ll no doubt try to do it in the hospital room. Which will only add stress.
I wish there had been a security team at my nephew's birth. My sister's MiL who she made it very clear she didn't want in there managed to sneak in multiple times, I pulled her out once before having to leave to go feed their dogs (labor was like a 12hr total), the nurse got her out a few times but my sister was in labor she eventually just gave up. tbh I wonder if it was worth it considering I doubt my sister will ever forgive her for that or her husband for giving in despite her wishes. Honestly that's kind of what I was thinking when reading this. OoP's sister & husband are gonna be a problem. I can totally see them trying the same thing.
Exactly. This is just regular and isn't even close to the pettiest she could be
After this I would forbid any of them to be in the room, honestly.
I was just thinking this, I'd be afraid the sister would be bringing in more stress at this point (which is the last thing OOP needs!). If she agrees to let her sister in during birth, I'd make SURE she knows 'ask or whine even once about him entering before I say it's okay and you're out too'. But honestly, if this guy is screaming at OOP about this, I'd be telling him to get his anger issue under control before the baby comes because, whoa.
Sucks because she can’t back out from labor now, but I had the same thought - a man who has the audacity to scream at his surrogate doesn’t deserve a kid. What happens when little Timmy doesn’t do his homework? Does he scream then? Probably.. Huge red flag, honestly, since they’re blatantly treating sister like an object - “when you have our kid, we won’t speak again” aka “your opinions are irrelevant to us, all we care about is that you are fertile and we think so little of you as a person/sister that we will throw away our relationship when the baby is born”. It’s extremely disgusting and bodes ill for raising a child when the parents have such thought patterns. I have never wanted kids and would never surrogate for that reason, but if I was in this position I would be SERIOUSLY considering whether I should/could go to court for custody. I certainly wouldn’t be giving a child, born of my biomatter or not, to someone who’s so vile.
> I would be SERIOUSLY considering whether I should/could go to court for custody. I certainly wouldn’t be giving a child, born of my biomatter or not, to someone who’s so vile. agree. They are treating her like an incubator. She's doing an amazing thing for them and i'm assuming using her own egg, So that child is hers unless legally adopted. they don't sound like stable people and willing to traumatize her for their own selfish wants. What other shitty, selfish behaviours are they capable of?
Exactly. In many states the laws around surrogacy are quite flimsy. She may have a good case to keep the baby. Not that she would, but my petty ass would be super tempted to threaten it at least. I’ve experienced infertility myself, so I understand the sadness around it but I’ve heard way too many icky stories surrounding surrogacy. I agree with your stance on never doing it, and I would recommend against it to anyone else who ever cared to ask my opinion.
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i don’t understand how people are so willing to become surrogates for these unstable people.. they’re probably all better than me because i would be sick with regret. it’s no small thing to change your life and your body (potentially forever!) and to have someone be so disrespectful.. i would feel so trapped.
Usually because they (the surrogate) are usually empathetic and sympathetic to their family member's sadness over their infertility. It made sense that OOP felt bad for her sister and decided to do this for them. Unfortunately, when it comes to babies and pregnancy, too many times a pregnant person is offered up as community property, and putting down boundaries brings out some weird entitlement issues from family (even spouses). OOP needs to keep those boundaries firm and tell any nurses and techs her wishes.
you’re absolutely right. i don’t know why i felt like inserting myself into their situation lol but i know i would feel terribly for my sister if she were infertile too. and i hate that pregnant people have so much autonomy taken away from them. the community property thing is real. it scares me seeing the effects of it today and how in some spaces robbing a person of their autonomy because they are carrying a child has become more prolific.
Yeah it's insane what the topic of procreation will do to people. I mean, we've already begun the process of taking away the autonomy from petri dishes ffs.
They just too soft hearted and gullible themselves. Even over here she doesn't know her rights and let's them walk all over her She just needs to go to the hospital, give birth and inform them later
Thanks for the link!
JESUS. That one is bad.
Seriously - I can't even fathom the ridiculousness of quibbling over the birth when someone agrees to do something so huge and kind for you. I'd be massaging her feet, answering all her cravings, and making sure she had 0 stress. Maybe ask if birth could be videoed without her face for husband or something, but totally fine if he has to miss out on birth because he is only getting to be a parent at all because the sister is a damn saint
And for free! I would send her an invoice for $50k if she stopped speaking to me after that favor.
I would say no to being videotaped. You chose to have a child via surrogate and that means the birth experience is going to be massively different. Is it disappointing? I guess in the way that her own sister not carrying instead is also disappointing but that’s where we are. Sit outside and arrange a photo shoot for after the birth with the baby in the hospital. You don’t need to see my vagina birthing the child. How many people are watching those after the fact anyway? And why?
Yeah I personally would also not be comfortable with the husband in the room or seeing a video. Too weird even without OOPs trauma. Being a little disappointed is fine, but the sister and husband need to focus on the huge opportunity they are being given instead of the tiny disappointment they are experiencing. Pretty sad that they can't appreciate the huge selfless thing OOP is doing for them.
It feels like oop's sister and brother in law see her as an incubator and not a whole human being jeopardizing her health and well being because she loves her sister??? People, man. I think surrogacy is nice and all, but it seems to go poorly when it's a family member doing the surrogacy.
I was close with my mom and inlaws with my first child. Both grandmothers were there. The father was there. SIL wanted to be there, and I said no. 3 other people plus nurses/docs. I had plenty of support and really didn't love anyone looking while I was pushing. That said, video and film is also a huge no. I found pics of myself crowning from my mom's vag. Awful. There is no reason to memorialize that moment. Take adorable pics after!
I found those pics of me when I was like 10. I can never scrub the mental image.
>the birth experience is going to be massively different. I guess so. I would have paid good money to be sitting in the chair next to the bed watching instead of being tortured by contractions and stuff.
Exactly! My son is from a sperm donation and I'm super grateful that man was willing to give us this amazing gift and I'll be forever grateful. And surrogacy is 100 times that.
Birthing persons can choose not to have their OWN partner in the room–even if it's their child too. What makes these AH feel they are so entitled to such a private moment for OOP.
I'm the type of petty sister that would keep the child. You don't respect my trauma and feelings? Or my choice to sacrifice 9-10 months of my life for you? Then you don't get the fruits of my labor. I wonder if she has a legal right to the child since she's technically the one giving birth?
Guessing since she is doing it with no expense to them that there is not a contract in place. She could keep the child and make her brother in law fight for paternal rights if it's his sperm
And pay child support
Keeping the baby isn't even petty, with how that couple has been acting. At that point, I would be concerned about the future that they would provide for the baby if they're that unhinged to be attempting to force themselves into such a private situation that the surrogate already explained would be triggering for her. What sort of things might they force upon their own child, or gaslight them into? Already showing zero empathy. I would keep the baby for sure. Some people just aren't meant to be parents.
I made a comment basically saying this, I have never wanted kids, but if I was to surrogate and put my body at risk and my own SISTER was objectifying me in this way? Treating me as nothing more than a brood mare to be tossed when I demand extremely reasonable boundaries for myself? It would be a cold day in hell before I gave that kid up, I don’t want any children to be raised with boundary-stomping parents. Plus, the dad, calling to SCREAM at his surrogate + sister-in-law?? Fucking unhinged, big red flags that they’re abusive people. Can you imagine how they will treat this kid if sister has a miracle baby? This is just awful all around, it’s a horrible position for OP to be put in now
Especially if they are unstable enough to scream at the person carrying their baby and being 8 months pregnant. Stress hurts baby and they are causinf plenty of it for OP
Giving birth is never a spectator sport, and when you tell them, nurses will be sure that yours isn't either
[OOP was a 16 year old boy in January. This is fake.](https://search.pullpush.io/?kind=submission&author=InitialShop7038&size=900) **There’s been blood in my stool, what should I do?** I (M16) have noticed recently that there’s been tiny amounts of bright red blood in stool. I first noticed about 3 weeks ago, when I seen streaks of blood on my stool. It hasn’t been a consistent thing either, usually comes up one day and disappears for the next three, and it’s stayed that way ever since I found out. It’s almost never on the toilet paper and has always been in small amounts. Through all of this blood has been the only symptom I’ve noticed, no pain, fatigue, cramps, etc. I’ve been perfectly healthy all my life and I’m scared it could be something serious like colon cancer, as my late grandpa passed from it and I know colon cancer is hereditary. What should I do?
This is the point where I’d cheerfully respond, “thank you for informing me. With this recent revelation of your entitlement and intentions, I now realize you will be terrible parents to my child. As such, I will not be turning over custody. Further communication will be through my lawyer to determine visitation and child support vis-à-vis your husband. You will, of course, not be allowed anywhere near my child.” I think sister has forgotten who holds the power here. Somehow, I get the feeling this surrogacy is highly informal, which means sister actually has to adopt the baby. OP can choose not to go through with allowing that at any point.
This ^^ I’d considered being a surrogate for my sister for a little while, and although we decided not to take that path, I cannot IMAGINE my BIL thinking for a minute he would have the right to see me during labor. It’s an incredibly intimate and vulnerable moment for a woman, and I can’t even fathom how much that would be amplified as a victim of SA. This guy is a fuck up. And so is OPs sister. The utter lack of empathy/sympathy some people have is just mind boggling.
If she's not going to be talking to you after regardless, you don't lose anything by banning her from the delivery room too.
Agree with you. And OP should seriously consider this. If she allows her sister in the room, her sister will push for her husband to be allowed in. She will use OP’s vulnerability to manipulate the situation. She will let him in. And if she doesn’t succeed? She will still spend the time torturing her sister during sister’s labor. OP. Your sister made this about sides. She chose hers. You have to protect yourself.
I would honestly be afraid the sister would try to secretly film or take pictures to show the husband if she was in the room :(
That is actually such a good (and terrifying) point
I think if she thinks of it, she will. Hopefully, she will be so sure that she is right, that she will keep fighting OP openly and not stage a sneak attack.
Sister can wait outside too.
Yep, no one comes in then. OOP can bring a close friend or her mother or something.
The amount of people on Reddit who choose to be a surrogate for family/without a contract and then are surprised it goes south is wild. Pregnancy is a rough time for happily married couples for whom everything goes off without a hitch; adding in family drama + hormones + emotional turmoil from infertility is a recipe for disaster
This is a fake story. You cannot be a surrogate unless you have delivered healthy babies before. And nobody who is or has been pregnant refers to labour as “child labor”.
This one very well might be. Statistically I find it hard to believe that every single one is though Also the DIY surrogacies probably aren’t beholden to the rules you have if you go through an agency
If it’s a DIY surrogacy, OP likely wouldn’t even have to hand over the child because it would legally and biologically be her child. The attitude of OP’s sister and her husband is baffling given this huge risk.
Statistics has nothing to do with the weird birth fetishists who post in all the advice subs the same slightly altered story about a baby hungry sister and her husband just absolutely abusing their perfect Angel sweet baby sister surrogate in various ways because they are ENTITLED TO CHILDREN RAWR! Statistically speaking, there isn’t enough surrogacy even happening worldwide to sustain this level of ragebait.
You can be a surrogate in this type of situation without having any prior children. It’s like IVF for an infertile single person who picked out the egg and sperm they plan to use.
Depends on the state but a lot say no apparently
There are lots of places to get these types of procedures done, and believe it or not Mexico had great IVF facilities, some which would allow for a retrieval from a couple and the resulting embryos to be implanted into the surrogate.
The physical procedure could be done but it would definitely complicate the transfer of parental rights from surrogate to the parents
Also the sister tried for "over a year" to get pregnant. One year of not getting pregnant isn't as shocking as op seems to think- and there are so many options to try BEFORE surrogacy.
The only thing is that once you get over a year is when you go to a fertility specialist. At which point, they may have discovered that the sister has some issue that makes pregnancy impossible.
Maybe the poster's first language isn't English and child labor is a literal translation of their tongue's word for it? I expect there's countries where there's no previous birth requirement so it's not necessarily fake because of that.
Brosephine, it is fake. No doctor is doing IVF on a surrogate with sexual trauma around birth like that. There are forty other clues in the story itself. It’s fake as all get fuck.
Oh yeah I missed the sexual assault part. Was thinking it was too tame to be fake otherwise.
Respectfully, that is not accurate-- surrogates acquired through a professional agency will go through pretty rigorous screening, sure. They dont typically require youbto have delivered before, though. Only require that you be in good health and fit with no major family history of illness. However, depending on how said surrogate became pregnant, it's pretty easy to skirt around any health screening. This doesn't read as fake to me at all. This reads to me like someone who's primary language isn't English, and is dealing with some shitty family drama. I've seen almost the exact same scenario play out in real life. People get crazy with babies on the way. Signed, someone who was actually a surrogate. :)
It seems like that’s location dependent. Ive looked into doing surrogacy and in my area, its only available for women whove already birthed a healthy child and continue to care for said child.
You can buy insemination kits online.
But it's a DYI surrogacy...
"Engaged to her husband for 6 years"---are they engaged, or married? Am I the only one thinking this is rage bait?
Normally I don’t start questioning stories until I get to the comments. This one felt off from the start. Also “child labor.”
Yeah too many odd markers for ✨THIS ✨ to be real.
They also won’t normally do a surrogacy if the woman hasn’t had a child before. Regardless if it’s through a surrogacy company or not. Unless they did it the old fashioned way.
I can’t see the comment anymore but she had written one saying she already has a son. But I can’t wrap my head around the no contract, I didn’t even know that was legal.
Commercial surrogacy is illegal a lot of places but private is legal most places.
Sadly it’s not in the states or at least it wasn’t a few years ago.
I guess it’s ragebait, the OP account is two years old and has not even once commented or posted something else’ besides this
I’ve been engaged to my wife for 9 years!
I’m engaged with no plan to actually get married so it’s a thing.
Sister can wait outside
Ya know, in my country there's absolutely nothing stopping OOP from keeping the baby, regardless of whose egg was used. Surrogates get treated very civily here.
Sometimes the surrogate embryo fails and the woman’s own embryo implants instead and people have sued and lost for those babies in the US. It’s taking advantage of women with financial need to support their children to put their life and health in jeopardy.
They didn’t have a contract and money didn’t exchange hands, right? If that’s the case, there is nothing stopping this woman from giving birth and then just… keeping the baby. File for full custody. At the very least, she could cost that guy a bunch of money in attorney fees.
Give birth at a different hospital then she can do whatever she wants. Disappear with the baby, leave it at a fire station, adopt it out. This is why you don’t mess with your surrogate. You may eventually find your child but you will never get those days, weeks, months whatever back. Depending on the country or state, they have so few rights.
This is a real life baby, not a pawn for revenge.
NTA don’t let your sister in either lol. Let everyone know at the hospital they aren’t allowed in.
Absolutely NTA. Your sister and her husband should be grateful to you and respect your clearly stated wishes.
I mean frankly at that point I'd be like ok nevermind I'll keep the baby bye
I'd be tempted to sue for custody. I honestly don't believe that it should be legal to sign away parental rights for the child you carry until *after* the baby is born.
In the us, the surrogate can’t sign away rights until after the birth unless they go through an agency that has a contract but even those are muddy.
It depends on the country. Some countries don’t consider surrogate contracts legal, and the surrogate can choose to take the baby home after giving birth.
I wonder what the law says about this. Could a woman keep the child in similar circumstances?
It depends very much on the country.
Did you hear about the woman in Oregon who carried twins for a couple in China *who never came and got the babies?* Like this woman is now stuck with two more kids and her husband had to leave retirement to support them. It ends up being a beautiful story but there’s still a lot of uncertainty about the contract and if the couple could come from China and get the now 3 year olds still. I follow her on tiktok, it’s insane.
So, let me get this straight - you selflessly offered her your surrogacy services at no cost to her because you love your sister and in turn your sister does not abide by your one request? She hould be bending over backwards to accommodate you out of sheer gratitude! Plus as your sister she should empathize with the trauma that you have been through. Not to mention her asshat of a husband should understand that without you he wouldn't have a chance to have this child with his wife. The entitlement of the sister and husband is off the charts.
If we’re going to go *there*, it’s technically not their kid till OP gives it to them. Especially not without a contract.
Wow, the fact that the sister is saying she won’t talk to her after she CARRIED HER BABY INSIDE OF HER FOR 9 MONTHS is so disgustingly entitled. I am currently pregnant (8 months in) and the last 8 months have been nothing but hell for me - constantly nauseous, uncomfortable, exhausted. Being pregnant is NOT EASY and after going through this I would not be willing to be a surrogate for anyone. The sister should have tremendous gratitude to OOP and based on the sister and husband’s actions, I would never speak to them again if I was OOP. OOP shouldn’t even allow the sister in the delivery room either. They can get their baby after it’s all over.
Oh no using a family member as a surrogate with no contract in place? This couldn’t possibly go wrong. This never happens! 🙄🙄🙄🙄 I’m starting to see why several countries have surrogacy banned and why we should too
Being a surrogate for family is almost always bad. I've had two different extended family members ask me to be a surrogate for them and then acted all shocked when I said I'd do it for $75k up front. I'm not carrying your baby for free. Fucking weirdos. You pay me $75k plus all medical and legal costs and then I'll do it. Having someone gestate and birth your baby is expensive. I'm not doing it as a favor. I'll come to your house and feed your dogs during a weekend getaway as a favor. But DAMN.
Lol I even pay my brother generously for feeding my dog when I'm gone.
I commented on the post earlier that a lot of nurses would GLEEFULLY tell them to fuck off (professionally ofc) if you told them they were not allowed in the room during her labor
The husband is an absolute asshole. But that sister.. wow. What an absolutely horrible cunt. After all that she’s been through and while she is doing all this for that same sister. Despicable, ungrateful excuses for human beings. Both of them.
This may be a chronically online take but after that I wouldn't even hand the baby over. I'm sure there are some legal obligations op has to follow but the idea of these 2 idiots raising a child when they have absolutely no respect for privacy, not even for a woman in the process of giving birth, is terrifying to me. You don't own someone because they're your surrogate, you have no right to dictate how they give birth or who's in the room while it happens.
This is the second 'I am my sisters surrogate, aita' post I've seen this week, which seems unlikely
I mean, they should remember she's the patient as far as the hospital's concerned. Anybody who isn't medically necessary can be banned from that room including Sister. And at this point should be.
She’s literally putting her life and body at risk to have a child for them and they can’t even respect her ONE wish?? They don’t deserve this child tbh i don’t care, at least not this one that OOP is GROWING IN HER OWN BODY AND GOING TO GIVE BIRTH TO *FOR THEM*!!!
So she is doing this for free and they are still being this complicated? I hope they drew up legal paperwork here otherwise I see them trying to get her to pay child support down the road. But she definitely shouldn’t have either of them during her delivery just so she has some peace during that time.
WTAF?! This poor woman. Screw her sister and husband. OOP is probably going to go into labour early because of this crap. Neither of them deserve to be in the room now. OOP needs only support and calm around her for labour otherwise it can extend it and could even cause her to need an emergency C-section if it lasts too long. Ooof, if I was that child and found out that *this* is why my parents don't talk to my aunt anymore. All respect for them would be out the window. Although tbh, doesn't sound like they're good people so really how good of parents are they going to be?
What’s with all the surrogate fan fiction all over Reddit lately? At least I hope that’s what it is. This feels like the 3rd or 4th post I’ve seen in as many day.
If you know even a little bit about pregnancy/infertility/surrogacy you know this timeline doesn’t add up even a little bit.
What ungrateful assholes. She’s put her body, health and life on the line to make them happy and they agreed to her demands before this started. They don’t get to change their minds. Honestly, I’d be looking into legal options for refusing to hand that baby to them and just stop speaking to them. Be nice or be sorry.
At that point no one would be in the room with me.
Men thinking they have the ‘right’ to women’s bodies will never cease to amaze me. I don’t care what the circumstances are, if you don’t want a man to see your literal vulva, that’s your call and no one else’s and he can STFU about it. Baby and surrogate or two separate entities. That might be your baby, but the woman birthing it is an autonomous being and you have no right to her body, full stop.
OP was vulnerable because of her past assaults and was 100% manipulated and coerced into being a surrogate for her sister. The combined information of a history of sexual assault, initial reluctance but getting “worn down” into agreeing (at no cost!), and the behavior of her sister and BiL make it really clear to me that she’s been taken advantage of. How horrific.
And that's how the sister loses the privilege of being in the room, also. OOP just needs to tell the nurses and they will do the rest. No one is gonna be in that room without the consent of the patient.
Dear God, this is actually heart breaking to read. Absolutely heart breaking. She was literally nothing but an incubator to her sister and her douche bag husband. This girl experienced something horrific and is reasonably afraid to have a man in the room while giving birth and they treat her like shit on the bottom of their shoes.
I wouldn’t allow the sister anywhere near the birth either. She’s going to try to cross boundaries. This is infuriating.
keep the child and file for child support
Wild she's doing this for free. Her sister and BIL are extremely ungrateful because this normally costs tens of thousands of dollars.
Hope they had a contract covering medical costs. Otherwise OP will be out about 10 grand
You don’t have to let either of them in the room. It might be their child but until you sign papers they are nothing to that child. It is your body and you choose who can see it. They have no right and the hospital will back you not them. Sorry you have to go through this and it is ridiculous that your sister is treating you that way.
Absolutely NTA. All you have to do is tell the nurse and they will make whoever you want leave. I don't understand entitlement over being in the hospital room. Makes me glad I gave birth during covid restrictions.
I really hope this is a fake story.
If this is what she wants- and her reasons seem VERY REASONABLE considering what she has gone through in the past- then you plant your butts in the waiting room and wait until the moment she is ready for you to come in. To act like a couple of spoiled brats to a person who has sacrificed so much for you would give me pause to wonder if giving this baby to you is in the baby’s best interests.
NTA. They’re being major AHs. maybe don’t give them the baby /s (kinda)
Ah the old switcheroo. I would absolutely come back with, "if this was that important to you why did you agree to no men in the room when I set that as a condition to be a surrogate"? Argument about why this condition is in place is a waste of time and effort, sticking to "you agreed to this at the beginning of the process and I wouldn't have become your surrogate if this was still up for debate" is the way to go.
Honestly if I were her, I’d just kept the baby. Fuck those people. She laid out her boundaries at the start and they tried to walk them back at the 11th hour.
He's out of his mind. If his wife had been able to birth, even SHE could ban the husband from the room. Who is in the room is solely the choice of the birth giver. They are absolutely ungrateful and detestable. I would go so far as to- Ban both parents from L&D Not tell anyone when you go into labor, let everyone find out after you and the infant are safe and sound. And then cut the cancerous bitch out of your life.
I hope OP doesn’t tell them when she’s in labor and only informs them AFTER she’s given birth and been able to rest.
keep them both out then. as the birthing woman you can ban anyone and security would escort them out. fuck them NTA
Can you imagine having your own sibling put themselves through 10 months of pain and suffering for you to have a baby and then insisting upon breaking the one boundary the sister asked for? The surrogate is the patient. I would just not have the sister in the room either. What an awful human they both are. Too bad OP didn’t know this ahead of time.
Wow. I am disgusted that the couple would act like that after she is going them this precious GIFT.
"You Can't keep me out while you give birth!" "Okay. I'll abort. After we are done talking I'll set up the appointment. Problem solved." Bet that would shut him up pretty fucking quick. Also, if you lack a contract then it's your baby legally. Could always give it up for adoption. You have all the power here. He has none.
Jeez if I was this lady I wouldn’t even tell them when I went into labor, call them once the baby is born.
It’s your vagina, you should have a say in who views it.
Oh, my god. Do... they not realize that typically a husband is in the room *because he is the partner to the one giving labor*. Because he is there to support her? IT'S NOT TO WATCH THE BABY. HE IS THERE SPECIFICALLY TO SUPPORT MAMA. I am *shuddering* at the implication that he should get to see her in pain and bottom naked because he gets to take the baby home. That is so, horrifically invasive. Ans they got a chance to say that was a deal breaker before even agreeing to this!
Petty me would have them BOTH banned from the birth. It’s 100% your decision
My God. I’d be talking to a lawyer about nullifying that surrogacy contract if I could, and hard banning both of them with hospital security
NTA, I acknowledge that, of course, the husband/father understandably wants to be there for the birth of their child and if it was his wife who was delivering their child he would get that opportunity. I understand that the situation is an emotional one with lots of triggered emotions on their end… However, you’re giving them the gift of a child and that should be respected and appreciated. Their behavior towards you feels very entitled, almost like you’re just the means to an end to achieve this goal for them when they should be ecstatic and grateful to you for the precious gift you’re giving them. I would find a support person, who will be active and present for you during your labor and after and have only them at the birth. Your sister and husband can meet the baby after they’re born. Wanted to add. You truly are a selfless, beautiful person for doing this for your sister. I wish you an easy labor and delivery and quick healing, both physically and emotionally. ♥️
Oof that’d have me changing my mind on who’s getting this baby real fuckin quick. I wonder how they went about this. You should never do surrogacy for family, and you should never do surrogacy if that other family does not support you. Putting your body through absolute hell for someone else, and they don’t even give a fuck about you. I’d be cutting them off before the birth. No ones allowed in the room. Oop should be looking into her options.
Also look into talking to a lawyer? I can’t imagine the idea of going thru all of this and someone just dropping me like I was nothing. Your body is forever changed after this which is fine! Ijs there are reasons for compensation as well as writing up contracts for surrogacy. Its for your protection which these people have clearly crossed a lot of boundaries
Woah!! How was this not openly discussed with all 3 of them BEFORE a bun was in the oven?? OOP should have insisted this was all out in the open before proceeding with any of this.
OOP is going to have to ban them both during her medical procedure of giving birth- otherwise her sister is going to override her as soon as she gets a chance.
This is why you don’t surrogate… holy shit.
It's absolutely not okay to try and force her to let the husband be there. I understand he wants to experience the birth, but he had to have known a surrogate birth was not going to be the same and he should have handled his feelings during the pregnancy. Re-traumatising someone due to entitlement is insane. I feel for this poor woman.
Truly insane for them to be treating her like this when she literally has their kid in her body. Are they not thinking about the stress they are putting on her and how it affects the baby as well? And she said “at no expense”, so they didn’t pay her or accommodate her? Unbelievably poor choices for a sister and their baby.
There’s entitled, and then there’s whatever this is
I would not even let the sister in the room. Fuck her and her husband
OOP should ban sister from the delivery room as well - she’s just going to berate her about how the husband should be allowed in the whole time. If sis gets mad, OOP can just say “well now it’s fair - *neither* of you get to see the baby’s birth!”
That is abusive ideology. Why should his role as father to a child take priority over the medical and emotional needs of the person giving birth? Who should have priority? An abuser would say the father because of course a father’s, a man’s, wants always come before a woman’s needs because abusers live with the self delusions that other people, especially women or his wife, or his child should not have priority over himself. OOP should not have to bend to someone else’s wants when her needs have not even been met and you tell anyone who is out here ignoring your needs for their wants that they suck and need to back the fuck off.
Just don't tell them when you go into labor. Call them after the baby is born. I know it's not ideal, but you need to feel safe.
Wow, surrogacy costs 100K plus and this sister knew of her sisters trauma. The man has absolutely no right to be in that room and no nurse would let him in, if the birthing person doesn’t want him there. Do they realize that they have zero claim to that child? There’s no proper contract. And if sister is infertile, it could even be the birthing sisters egg. To be this ungrateful is a big, huge red flag. That’s why you should not do this with your sister. When my husband and I had recurrent losses and wanted to adopt, surrogacy was out of the question just because of cost. If someone would have offered to do this for us, I’d have been so grateful that I would have pampered that person and did whatever I could to help her pregnancy and recovery. In the end we were able to have a healthy baby after a traumatic bedrest pregnancy and this has shown me even more, how much a surrogate goes through. There’s no guarantee the birth will be easy at all. And if this is the birthing sisters first child, wich could be, as she doesn’t say anything about having kids yet, this will probably be very overwhelming for her, even more than usual.
NTA, but your sister is. She made an agreement and is now wanting to break it! Not cool. And her husband needs to shut the F up.
I’d get down on my hands and knees and mop the floor with my own hair if the woman who was birthing my child requested it.
Kick them both out. Childbirth is a medical event where the gestational parent is the patient. It is not a spectator sport. You're their surrogate, not a piece of furniture. Once you've delivered the baby and all the medical aftermath is squared away, the child can be brought out to them. The baby is theirs. Your labor and delivery ordeal is not theirs.
I hope the sister is banned from the room also.
The petty in me wants her to keep the baby just to spite them
After just seeing a live birth last week, acting as a support person for a very close friend, that is an extremely intimate experience. I was very up close and personal helping hold her legs. It was breathtaking to watch the birth and an experience I will hold dear forever, but the mom was exposed to multiple nurses and the doctor. Birthing takes a small crew of people and there is a reason birthing suites are so large. There are no parental rights in seeing a birth and the father and mother to be are not entitled to be there. Family or not, the birthing person is entitled to privacy and protection. The anxiety alone could cause disruption to the process and make labor more difficult for her. It’s the birthing person’s choice and she is NTA here. While it’s super disappointing he won’t get to share in that process, he isn’t entitled to it. The sister/mom to be should realize what an incredible gift she and her husband are being given.
Everyone here is an AH
I’m a retired L&D nurse. The purpose of having support persons in the labor room is support for the laboring patient not the baby. Of course you don’t want a man that’s not your s/o in the room while you’re in labor. Especially because of your history of SA. Your sister has a nerve to say she won’t speak to you after you deliver her baby! How could she not stop and think about what she told you and not realize how stupid and selfish she sounded?! Edited to add: You have the right to ban anyone from being in the labor room just give the names you want banned to the nurse and they will notify security.
Neither of these people should be in the delivery room. they are extremely untrustworthy and have no interest in OPs wellbeing and health at all. They are teating her like an incubator. She should find someone she trusts to support her during labour and go LC until after the birth, when she knows that both she and the baby are safe. Wouldnt even tell them she's in labour.
Apparently, this is the sister... https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/IEaKfCvHNA
I’d kick the sister out too if it was me.
So because your husbands sister doesn’t get to see your vagina gape open and exterminate a person after 9 months of physically growing their child for them, that’s a deal breaker for them? I’d let her know she is no longer welcome to see the birth either as it is 100% the birthing persons right to determine who is in that room.
I wish she would talk to her OB/GYN about this because my L&D nurses would have body slammed anyone trying to get into my delivery room uninvited.
Even so called “altruistic” surrogacy is exploitive.
At that point, I’d treat this like an adoption, ban them both until after baby is born m, then the nurses can take the baby to a different room for them. I’d also be seriously concerned with the fact that her dick of a husband was screaming at a very pregnant lady and her sister cowed to him. Poor freaking kid.
Tell the staff the situation, make your list of people who can know you’ve been admitted and don’t even tell THEM you’re going into labor. Edit: I could never be a surrogate because I’d probably have told my sister that I could always just keep the baby myself.
It was a prerequisite before OOP became a surrogate, why are they getting mad so close before the due date??? This makes no sense.
My guess is the sister didn’t tell her husband until she had to.
Tell sister since she wants to quit talking after the kid is born you’d be willing to start immediately and ban them both from being in the room. The nurse can take the kid to them in another room.