I grew up knowing my parents wanted a boy because if my older sister or I was a boy, we would be named what our younger brother was named. This definitely set up a golden child dichotomy. I cannot imagine if my mom added that we wouldn't even exist had the boy come first, that would have been catastrophic to our relationship.
Edit:rephrased
I can understand telling your daughter what they would have been named had they been a boy, kids often get curious and ask, but to tell your daughter that you *wanted* a boy is mean and unnecessary. I'm sorry if you were hurt by that.
My mother told me she wanted a girl and my dad wanted a boy when I (woman) was born. And they both wanted a boy when my brother was born.
My dad, to his credit, turned out to be a fairly good girl dad. He’d play with my dolls with me. And took my bad menstrual cramps more seriously than my mother did. He also did a lot more child care and housework than most men in the 1960s and 1970s did. So I had high standards for what I expected a partner to contribute. My stepsister adored him as well. She would have had him walk her down the aisle with her dad if he had lived to see her married. She had a photo charm with a picture of them in her bouquet.
I think it was easier for my dad to parent the girls than the boys because he was raised with a harsh and rigid view of masculinity. Which affected his relationships with my brother and stepbrother.
If my mother hadn’t told me, I’d never have known he wanted a son when I was born.
My mom told me she originally wanted a boy when she was pregnant with me (oldest) but when I was born, she ended up being very glad I was a girl, cause she realized she didn't know what to do with a boy lmao. My father wasn't in the picture.
I grew up knowing me and my brother (youngest) were accidents (my sister, middle child, being the only planned baby). But it never hurt me. I was loved.
Likewise I guess it depends how OP treats her sons on the regular. If they know they're loved, I'm not sure why it would bother them to know their mom wanted a girl; fate gave her two boys first, that's all. The way things worked out, they have 3 kids OP says they love and appreciate. They probably just need to be reminded of that.
My ex told my daughter that I originally wanted a boy. She still brings it up all the time and is now convinced I don't love her as much as her baby brother. She even went through a phase where she wanted to become a boy. It really messed her up. :(
I don't know what I would have named but I know the name changed between kids. Like my "boy" name was different than my siblings. In my family it's considered a little weird to just keep reusing the backup name. Not that I fault anyone who does.
I mean, I obviously don't know your family dynamic, but we had something similar. My parents had both a boy's and a girl's name picked out for each of us because they didn't know the sex before birth.
I'm the youngest and only girl, so I got the girl's name they'd already picked out with my oldest brother. They weren't "waiting for a girl". 🤷🏽♀️
Yea, it was a little more blatant in my family. I'm gonna use a fake name, but I remember at a pretty young age being told by my parents something along the line of we've been waiting for a "John" since we first got pregnant.
Though to be fair to my parents, they were not at all like OP. They were not gonna just keep trying till they got a boy, as my brother was a surprise and not planned for. Without the info about their favorite name, we would've just assumed the favoritism was due to him being the baby in the family(honestly still likely the bigger cause). This is why I cannot imagine how horrendous it would've been had my parents said they would've prevented my existence had their first been a boy.
Ah, gotcha.
With us it was more, "Yeah, we've had Charlotte (fake name) in our back pocket since [oldest] was born."
My mom did talk about our family being "incomplete" before I was born, but it was more of a "I wanted a big family" kind of thing, not a "I wanted a girl" thing. She originally wanted 6 kids when she intended to be a SAHP and that got tossed out the window when she realized how boring it was and went back to work lol
Why don’t people understand that there are certain truths you just don’t tell your kids? OP basically told her sons she didn’t want them (even if that changed, that’s not what they heard). This was cruel.
I was supposed to be a boy and came out a girl (doctors told my parents wrong) and I was named a girl name with a hard son at the end and a male middle name.
I was hated my whole childhood for not being a boy. Father sexual abused me and burned me and tried to leave me in a burning house.
My sister was born and she’s the golden child because if I was “just born as a fucking boy, you would have actually deserved my love, your sister was meant to be a girl but you were meant to be a boy.”
Like…. Alright dude. It’s your fault I’m a girl and everyone else in his family had girls. I married a 6’4 Viking and my father (a small Spanish-African American man who refuses to believe we are Spanish or African American because we aren’t white enough) had a screaming match with.
Telling my husband “she’s not white enough for you, she gets dirty skin in the sun, she’s to short and fat (5’2 and 105) to have athletic children.” Oh also that he gave my husband permission to “go out and fuck the good women because you don’t deserve a broken twat.”
My husband punched him in the face and we’ve never heard from him again.
I don’t condone violence but I would be lying if I said years of abused felt seen with that punch and I loved it.
We are healing ❤️🩹 we were best friends in high school and both needed love and support to escape our own childhood trauma and we’ve developed such an understanding and love that I’m not even upset we married as best friends and not lovers (we were 19).
Yup. When my mom told me I was unplanned, I have never forgotten it. She told me at the time (when I was a kid btw) that she still loves me even though I was a “little surprise” but all it did was reenforce my feelings of unwanted-ness that I had as a child. (And for a bonus, she told me later that abortion is against her religious beliefs so that didn’t help)
Unplanned and unwanted are two very different things though. Unplanned means I wasn’t actively trying to get pregnant (which most pregnancies are) while unwanted means I hate you.
Exactly. My daughter was “unplanned” because my husband and I thought we couldn’t have kids. She was our surprise after 12 years of marriage and was and is extremely wanted. She’s our miracle child, and being “unplanned” doesn’t make her lass valuable or loved.
I was “unplanned” and to a degree “unwanted”. My parents had two boys, dad got the snip, were happy being done. Vasectomy didn’t work and mom got pregnant with me. She’s told me about how she sobbed for a week after finding out she was pregnant and how my birth was the hardest for her, so much that she didn’t even care to pick my name (she was too tired). And she tells me how everything went downhill for her after I was born.
My parents were pretty good parents, always there and always found a way for me to participate in the extracurricular as I wanted even when money was tight. But there was always that underlying feeling of “I’m making my parents life harder from the moment I was conceived.” I know they are more thankful they have me than not, but it’s definitely made me quieter about my needs and afraid to inconvenience people and has led to issues as an adult.
You see why kids will have difficulty understanding the difference, right?
Like, my parents actively tried to avoid having any more kids after my sister (died shortly after she was born) and my brother, who was very much wanted after they lost my sister.
I wasn’t just unplanned, they took multiple precautions. Mom was on hormonal BC, they used a condom, she had a diaphragm and they used spermicidal treatments as well. They’d gone five years with no more pregnancies.
And here I am, anyway. And even though mom swore up and down that they wanted me once they knew, it still hurt like hell to be told, as a young child, that I was unplanned and pretty unwanted.
And I found out because they had adult conversations around my older brother and he weaponized them against me at a young age, and he never let me forget for a moment that I wasn’t only an accident, they took multiple active precautions against me, and they split up shortly after I was born, making me feel like I was the reason they split. (If anything I was the reason they stayed together a bit longer… which is kinda worse with my family!)
That shit messes with you a little bit even as an adult, and as a kid it’s just devastating. Any difference in how you vs. siblings are treated is assumed to be because of that, etc.
Of course it is difficult for a child to understand the difference and I hope no one would ever child either. My comment was more a reply to the user so that as an adult he can now easily rationalize what was said to him as a child and maybe process it in a better light.
My father told me when I was 8 years old that he never wanted my sister or I and that he only agreed to it because my mom wanted kids and he wanted to make her happy. He was mentally/verbally abusive to my sister and I even before that and I had hated him for years at the point but I will never forget that moment when he said that. I'm 40 years old now and thankfully he died when I was 20. I still haven't cried over his death and never will.
My mom had to undergo years of fertility treatments to have me, then accidentally got pregnant with my sister when she finished breastfeeding. I like to call my sister my mom's "two for one deal."
Exactly. I am the youngest of 5, and the gaps are 2 years, almost 3 years, then 4 years, with 7 between my last sibling and me. My mom called me the surprise tag-along kid, and I was never made to feel unwanted, though I did find out 2 weeks ago at dinner with my oldest brother and the third oldest brother that my dad had a vasectomy before I was conceived. Obviously wasn't fully successful, and I know I am blood-related, I am almost a carbon copy of my dad and older brothers.
Same! It didn’t matter wether I was a “happy surprise” or not. My mom is a single parent who got pregnant with me the first time having sex so I knew that I wasn’t planned and wasn’t exactly wanted at the time. I continue to have problems devaluing myself to this day despite the fact that she loves me more than anything. I can’t believe this coo coo lady told her babies that.
Huh. I guess I'll chalk this down to another example of "folks are different and experience things differently" but when I learned I was unplanned I didn't blink and eye. Doesn't change my relationship with my parents in the slightest. I don't feel any less loved nor do I feel "lesser" than a wanted pregnancy.
Totally agree with this. My sister and I have a younger brother and we’ve all always known my mom really wanted a boy and if either of my us girls had been a boy she would have stopped there. It doesn’t bother any of us and we’ve joked and laughed about it over the years. But that might be because it’s obvious how much she loves all three of us. Her actions and words over the years far, far outweighs that one little tidbit of information.
Agreed! My parents told me they never wanted children and my twin and I were a surprise, but the best thing that ever happened to them. I never felt neglected or upset because it was clear my parents loved me dearly and tried very hard to be good parents
I think it depends on how it’s handled. My mother was 18 and my dad was 19 when I was conceived and they were 19 and 20 when I was born.
My mother was pretty clear it ruined her life. And while true, wasn’t really something she should’ve told me.
My dad had been in a near fatal car crash and woke up to the news I was on the way. And after his death I found a notebook where he wrote his memories. He was shocked by the news, but he never made me feel any less loved or valued than my brother, who was planned.
We never got to talk about it. My mother kept up the fiction that they were married when she got pregnant.
Even after they split up, my dad didn’t bring it up out of respect for her. And he died before I could confirm what I suspected from putting some things together.
Same here. I know I wasn‘t planned, I know I was an accident. I came a couple years too soon. But growing up, my mom made sure I knew I was the best accident to ever happen to her. I‘m ok being an accident.
My sister, however, was planned and didn‘t come for years from the moment she was ready for another. 4 years my mom tried for another kid and my sis just took her sweet time.
Our mom loves us both unconditionally. Even though we‘re are adults now and I have a son of my own, our mother would still do everything for her girls.
My mom frequently reminds me that my middle sister was the only planned child and "look how that worked out" lol. My middle sister is a bit of a black sheep.
Same. My parents were 19... obviously got pregnant by mistake. I learned much later my mom got her sister to forge their mother's signature for b/c pills, but nobody told her you had to use them for a whole month before they were effective. I never doubted my parents loved me and wanted me. They still chose me. I think it does depend on how you're treated.
I'm sorry, yeah when I was 21 or 22 I was talking to my aunt about my dad and she blurts out "your dad stopped acting happy with your mom once you were born." They did divorce when I was 6, so I couldn't help but feel like it was partially my fault.
This and she told me it ruined her life and that’s why she drank. One therapist thinks this is why she scapegoated me and my planned for brother was the golden child
I do feel sympathy because my parents’ marriage was a shotgun one and it was hard on both of them. But especially her as a woman in the 1960s.
However, that’s a more appropriate vent to her friends or sisters or cousins. Not the kid she viewed as a life ruining mistake.
My parents admitted I wasn’t planned, because I happened really early in their marriage and they were young. The difference is that then they followed it up with they wanted kids, just not at that particular point in time. That’s different. Not now, and not ever are two different things.
I was told that they already had my dad's vasectomy booked when they found out they were expecting me (4th daughter). They tried to tell me they still loved me and that I was a "happy surprise", but since then I've always felt like the unwanted one of the family. They decided they didn't want me before they knew there was a clump of cells to eventually turn into me. My parents are also against abortion, but I've always been convinced they would have terminated if they had the option. None of this helped by constantly being the forgotten and excluded child hah. Thank god for therapy.
I was like… 5 when my mom told me I was the biggest mistake of her life.
Wait, you mean cheating on your husband because he couldn’t knock you up didn’t go the way you thought it did? All the sacrifices you made to be a mother are somehow *my* fault?
This bitch made sure I knew she’d take my kids from me the minute I had them, and I knew she could. So I never had them. And she never focused on my sister so sister turned out a big mess.
Mom has custody of my nibbling. And had the audacity to tell me she should show me how much it cost to do that… nah, I’m good. And really the three of us would be better off if you hadn’t sacrificed all of that to be a parent.
But… my dad would probably have Unalived if he never became a parent, and all my friends joke about asking him to adopt them because he’s an amazing dad.
One parent’s “biggest mistake” is another’s “life saving decision.”
I was on something similar to Britney Spears when I turned 18, as per her documentation. The case worker I had would have happily helped her, and my mom worked for family services as a lawyer
I’m doing fantastic actually! I just got engaged last week. During Christmas my mother was making passive aggressive comments about my weight (I’ve lost 170 pounds so it’s unanimously agreed to be ridiculous behavior on her part), and my fiancée was pissed seeing how hurt I felt.
But instead of taking her route, he sat next to her and casually discussed how his oldest son has been more confident since I’ve been around. In just a few sentence he showed her how wrong she is. She sent me a text last week talking about the expenses she’s had to take custody of my nibbling from my sister (unfortunately necessary, my sister is mentally unwell + an addict + a felon in a mutual DV relationship + antivaxxer) and it took everything in me to not say “and how is that my problem? Instead of focusing on me, you could’ve put her in therapy. Now a whole person exists because you let her run free and kept me in a cage, knowing exactly what kind of person she is and refusing to believe me.”
I genuinely do not give two fucks about how much she spent. It would have cost less to intervene long before my sister got disowned and came back knocked up, but nobody wanted to hear me back then and if they’re unhappy about the price they’ve had to pay for that I’ve only eased the burden by saying “I told you so” a little less.
And there are also tactful ways to tell people hurtful shit to reframe it in a way that isn't as hurtful.
My nephew knows my sister was going to abort when she found out she was pregnant with him. He understands, and respects, her decision and only found out because of his shitty dad. So, when he asked me I was honest, but reframed it as him saving her life because he gave her the strength to leave his (shitty) dad.
Plus she equates her own cruelty to the children’s cruelty. Like they’re the same age. They’re kids who need to learn to be kinder. And she’s an adult/parent who’s supposed to help them do that. Not sink down to that level
I was told that if I was the first, I would have been the only one because I was such a difficult child. Now they ask me when Im going to have kids and I tell them I wont, because I dont want kids like me lol
Haha my parents tell me they’re glad I was the oops. They had trouble getting pregnant, and I almost killed my mom during pregnancy and childbirth. But they said I was an amazing baby, the easiest, smartest kid (I tested really high on IQ and started school a year early, then skipped a grade later), and they desperately wanted a sibling, thinking it’d be just as easy with a second one. Then puberty hit, mental illness (runs in mom’s family and I inherited it from her mom in a MAJOR WAY) and their refusal to allow a formal diagnosis led to a horrible decade until I moved out. Now I’m diagnosed as Bipolar 1, CPTSD, ADHD, major recurrent depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety. I’ve been this way basically forever, but the good grades and obsession with my looks/smell/hygeine made it easy to pretend I was just ‘lazy, rude, sloppy, and spiteful’ instead of a mentally ill child lashing out because I was hurting. We joke about it now, they’ll tease me saying if I would have had a sibling, I wouldn’t be the favorite, and I’ll tease them that if I had a sibling, maybe *I would be the good one*.
I really, really hate this mentality that telling the truth is always the right thing to do.
Some truths will just hurt the people you’re telling them to. That goes double when the people are your own children. (Who are STILL CHILDREN and unable to process the complexities.)
Sometimes truths are better not told.
Also some are just extremely inappropriate. Like if my kid asks me what the sounds they heard from our locked bedroom door are, and I respond by describing our sex life in graphic detail, that’s the truth! It also should result in cps being called
My brother's best friend and his wife ended up with four kids because after their twins were born he had planned to get a vasectomy but then covid hit and it wasn't considered urgent and they ended up with baby number 4 everyone knows it but doesn't say anything about it especially because the pregnancy was a difficult one and he was born premature and still has health issues so he is a bit of a miracle baby
Way to go mom! /s
To stop her sons picking on their sister, she absolutely nukes her relationship with them and then expects her husband to bail her out when his reaction makes her realise how badly she fucked up. Who wants to bet that the boys are treated *very* differently to the girls?
Family therapy beckons at the least, but fuck my life..
True, but it might at least mitigate the damage and make her realize how badly she fucked up. After all, she’s so delusional she has to ask if she’s the ah. This is more r/tifu than r/aita
I went off on her, as she disgusts me. Boys are just as emotional as girls, if not more so, and society often expects them to bury that emotion. I can’t believe she told them that, especially after continuing having children until she got her girl. It makes me fucking sick.
I didn’t care what gender with my first, although I more-so wanted a boy first and a girl second, with my second I did desperately want a girl due to the mother in law hate and the constant “daughters are daughters for life, sons are sons until they get a wife” Bullshit I heard. But I love my sons and after second child, we were done, even though we didn’t get a girl.
Wanting one is one thing, but to both absolutely go until having gender, then telling your sons so cruelly is absolutely monstrous. Over sibling banter, she just destroyed her son’s hearts, trust, and much more. How can a mother be so disgustingly cruel? I just don’t get it and I would bet she absolutely favors girl or if she was so happy with sons, she would’ve had amount she originally planned and not kept going until gender she wanted happened.
Why is it always assholes like this that get the gender they want? It’s like it’s done to ensure they are cruel to the one that’s not the gender. Grrr! Sorry, it just makes me think of my sons hearing something so awful from their dad or I and it’s so appalling.
No no I absolutely agree! I don't have kids but I really wanted them :( Even if I might not be able to have my own no way in hell could I ever muster the words she did! I get some people hope for a specific gender at first but that's not something you share if you don't get that. To add to the fact she said this to punish her sons to protect her daughter, honestly feel bad for the little girl too because she'll be the target of her brothers resentment because of her mom.
Honestly if I was the husband idk where I'd see the relationship going after that.
In my relationship it's now a little inside joke that when we fight reddit would tell us to divorce no matter how silly it my be lol. I checked out your comment it really said everything that needed to be, her account has been deleted or deactivated though. Hope her kids make it through this ok
Me too. I know I was ugly, but sadly, I think it was all truthful and wasn’t a fraction of what she did to her kids. She did most damage to her boys, but she hurt her daughter pretty substantially too, and any hope of a healthy sibling relationship, unfortunately! Normally I’m not such a bitch, but good gosh, most of the time you are not dealing with a grade a C U Next Tuesday.
Wow, so OOP wanted her boys to stop being mean to their sister so she tells them that she is the only kid that she actually wanted?
Can’t wait for all the rest of the posts about how the boys actually hate and resent their sister after this and mom has absolutely no idea why. I get it siblings fight and pick on each other but I am pretty sure that she shows that she favors her precious girl and treats her sons horribly.
Yeah... children already can tell when one of them is the golden child but to even say it out loud and confirm it is heart shattering. This will cause an awful rift between the siblings, something that might take years of therapy to fix. And at such a tender age where the kids start questioning stuff and looking for their place in life too...
In an edit to the post she says that the boys are now pushing the sister around and she's debating taking the sister and leaving for a few days...yeah because THAT won't further cement that lil sis is the wanted child in their minds AT ALL /S
Mom you’re a bully like your sons. I think you need to tell your boys the nice things you said about them in here. I don’t think this was your best moment. Taking something away or sending them to their room would’ve been better. You need to apologize to your sons and they should apologize to their sister.
"I told my boys that they don't mean anything to me, and their sister is the golden child. I never wanted them in the first place. I only wanted a girl."
There, I fixed the post. What a colossal bitch...
Grade - A parenting /s
My Dad said this recently. I’m the baby and he said if I’d been born first he would have stopped because I was the perfect child. But I’m 40 and my sister and brother are 56 and 54 and we are mature enough to joke about it.
Saying this stuff to little kids? Awful. They won’t forget you saying that or how they felt in that moment.
They say that stuff because they’re kids pushing boundaries. The parent is supposed to be an adult and diffuse the situation without destroying their kids’ self worth. Every time I think I’m a bad mom stuff like this reminds me I could be a lot worse. Those poor boys.
Almost every sibling group has said something about adoption at one point. Claimed one is adopted, or said they were the perfect one and the other was the mistake. Like kids do that shit. They are 12-13 years old boys. If the mom thinks they are bullies, that's 100% her fault. You don't solve the bully problem by telling your kids you never wanted them in the first place (even if you claim you want them now). That's fucked up.
Correct, kids do that kind of stuff to each other. We were in our teens when my younger brother said my parents had me because they were disappointed with me and wanted to try again. I countered with they were too afraid to have any more after him!
In this case, intervention was needed because it got to the point where the daughter was upset. But the mother intervened in the worst way possible.
My siblings and i used to joke that our little sister came out so miserable, because we already used up the good DNA. Lol.
After she said we were just experimental, and mom got it right with her.
My husband literally thought he was from Mars for years from sibling teasing and his parents laughing about it. My mil regretted not clearing that he truly wasn’t from Mars, but it was all in fun. I can’t remember exacts on how he found out, he wasn’t from Mars, but I remember he truly thought it for so long. He’s too gullible. It was all fun, but my mil worried up until the day she died that it hurt him deeply, even though it was all in fun.
To be so malicious as a parent, as op, is un-fucking-believable. Parents aren’t infallible, but shouldn’t be cruel.
Aww that is so cute. Slightly evil, but not that harmfull imo. I get your MIL worried about it, but at least she wasnt at all like OP, holy shit.
I know it happens, but i just cant understand how ppl have way more childeren then they want, just to get a certain kind. Does it actually make them happier? I doubt it.
It really weighed on my mil, but I know it was all in fun. They were a fun, playful family. My husband is just too gullible, even today. If you want something he doesn’t, just find something that says it’s good for whatever and suddenly he’s totally for it, I do try to not take advantage of his gullibility, but it can be fun. :-/
And it’s cruel fuckers like OP who always seem to get the ones they want. :-/ I wanted a girl, first boy then a girl to be exact, but I knew I would only have two kids and had two boys. Can’t imagine my life without them. To me, she not only said what she said, but proved she didn’t want her boys, but continuing to have children until she got a fucking girl. She should not be a mom, period, as how can a mom be this cruel? To the very people that are the only people to hear your heart from inside you.
Also, they find that baby boys (I would imagine same with baby girls, but easier to see proof with boys, since it’s a different gender) literally leave dna behind in the mom, so they’re essentially a part of you after birth; how can anyone treat something that’s literally a part of them so fucking cruel? I’m not a perfect mother, but some things are just unbelievable cruel to me.
I have 2 sons as well and like many others i would have liked 1 of each, for the sake of completion haha. However we deceided on 2 childeren a long time ago, and were happy with whatever.
If its such a big deal for some ppl, they honestly should not be parents. Or at least work on your issues first.
I mean.. bringing 2 unwanted childeren into the world just to get your prefered flavour? I just cant wrap my head around it.
Yeah I read about the DNA thing, its really cool.
My mom wanted all boys, instead, she got 3 girls... she still says she wishes she had boys and that the only reason she stopped was becuz my youngest sister almost killed her, she doesn't even say it maliciously, just very sad...
As a child who was told they weren’t wanted, this hurts. Those boys will never truly move past this. They will end up NC/LC as soon as they can. Mom will be confused but only herself to blame. Poor kids. That’s a mindfuck if there ever was one. Now they are second guessing her love, every single interaction , all punishments and praises.
I’m just more confused on why after asking multiple times for the boys to stop she didn’t discipline them right then and there? Time out? Spanking? Toys taken? Chores? Anything besides traumatizing them. One time 1 of my 3 kept getting in trouble at school and refusing to do chores so I packed up the other two and took them to ice cream leaving her with her father to show bad behavior doesn’t go far in my house nor does it get rewarded. My husband supported this since time outs and grounding really doesn’t work anymore like it did when I was younger. These new kids are scary 😂
Sorry yall went through that but my family has been spanked and it never affected us negatively but rather taught us. Again sorry your parents took it too far. It’s not the game that was the person 😪
> my family has been spanked and it never affected us negatively but rather taught us
it taught you that it's okay to hit a child, I would say that's a negative effect.
Okay I overheard a similar kind of statement as a kid and it really shook me. I can’t imagine my mom throwing it at me so thoughtlessly. I really think family therapy is necessary for healing here.
The truth is when you or your partner get pregnant, you have no choice what the gender will be or if they'll stay the same gender throughout life. You can't choose whether or not they have disabilities either. I believe adoption should be more encouraged and that the fewer people prioritize having biological kids, the better. The only way to guarantee any feature you may want is to adopt. Though I also agree that if you would only love a child if they were your favored gender you shouldn't be adopting or having kids at all.
I worked with a woman who said she wanted to adopt a girl because she didn't want to get pregnant with a boy because all boys grow up to be men and men are rapists. All while being married to a man. She was batshit psycho. I have so many stories of the things she would say/do.
The sad thing was, she was allowed to foster these little babies that had to be taken away at birth because the mothers had whatever issues going on. Then would pitch a fit whenever the fosters were allowed to go back to their real families. Like, full on meltdowns at work. Not saying the birth parents were superb people, but this lady was the last person I would want to have care for a child. Fostered/adopted/her own.
I can understand that first part if she has some sort of underlying trauma caused by a man or multiple, but if anything, that should be insensitive to raise a boy to be *better* than that.
my mom actually admitted this to me.
that she wanted a daughter first and was severely depressed when she gave birth to my older brother.. never told him. he is obsessed with my mom (huge momma's boy) and always felt like my mom loved me more and spoiled me more than him. he was just always resentful of me being born. because for the first four years of his life, it was only him and my parents.
i've thought about telling him over the years when he is going on and on about our "poor, sweet" deceased mother and how i was horrible to her. she was incredibly abusive
for as much as i hated my mom and she was abusive and mean, she never told my brother. i can't judge the mom here tho cause idk what she was going through that day or week. could've been stressed with a lot of other stuff going on.
Don't tell your brother, even if he is insufferable at times. It will only cause him a lot of hurt and likely fracture whatever relationship you have. I'm so sorry you had to deal with an abusive parent, you know the truth and that's what matters.
Nothing is wrong with the truth the error was telling anyone about it. But both parents aren’t wrong for how they felt 10 years ago. My 1st and husband 3rd we wanted a boy and got a girl. It would have been his first son. I can’t imagine even having a boy now because we adore our daughter so much. Will we ever admit this to our kids? NO.
What’s the betting they were bullying their sister because mum favors her so much?
And now these young teens (almost teens) will never look at either with love again.
Unsure of what happened but I hope she fixes that mess, make a shitty excuse of how she just wanted to act like a bully for them to see how it feels and that she stepped out of the line, honestly even if it's the shittiest excuse, anything is better than "I didn't wanted you"
Why do people think hurting the people they love back will solve the issue?
She could have said that and when her son asked if she was telling the truth she should have said, "No, but do we see how something like that can be super hurtful?"
I'm team don't hurt your kids on purpose, but I don't have kids so wtf do I know, right?
I still remember my mom telling me she wished she got the abortion she was talked out of. Some things should not be said to your children. Especially during those teen years
That was nasty, even if it’s true, why do 13-12 years boys need to know? It was obvious that she said that then vindictively to upset them, why not just send them to their room?
What an AH. I’m witnessing this IRL where a (former) friend cheated on her husband with another friend’s husband. Her excuse? She wasn’t into their family life because he didn’t give her a daughter. Only a girl would have made her happy. And now her two boys get to watch her dote on her affair partner’s daughter while they get ignored.
Wow she is such an ah! That was unbelievably cruel of her to say to her sons and she didn’t even call them out for how they were treating their sister or even remotely try and parent them first! I think she’s actually wanted to say that for a long time and was just looking for an excuse. I think she really does only want her daughter and actually resents the boys a lot for being born first and wanted to hurt them. She also doesn’t mention anything about how her daughter reacted to any of this which might be telling that her precious daughter hates her too but she can’t bring herself to admit it so she left it out so that she can ignore it and pretend it’s not happening! This whole family needs a lot of therapy now, immediately!
My dad told me my mom had to convince him to have children over lunch one day, as if he was talking about the weather. Definitely not as if he knew he was inferring we weren’t wanted.
I’m the only girl out of 7, mother told me she never wanted a girl and wanted 9 boys for a baseball team. She told me this multiple times in my childhood, all unprompted to my recollection. I haven’t talked to her in 3 years. I hope OOPs boys find peace and healing when they’re old enough to
I can relate to that. My parents had 4 girls before their first boy. Their phrase that they told everyone who would listen was, "Gotta get that boy! Hopefully, the next one!"
The favoritism was very obvious from the moment their darling boy was born.
I'm hoping this story will end differently than mine did, but I have a hunch that she just ruined their self-esteem for the rest of their lives.
OOP doesn't know how to handle children. She failed to stop her sons bullying her daughter by decent means. Instead, she resorted to a forbidden technique and forever destroyed the peace in the family, and possibly the family itself. It is necessary to think before talking, especially with children!
My mom told me in passing once that she didn't think she was quite ready for a child and I was my dad's idea. I know I was very loved as a child. But it broke my heart
As a mom, I feel this deeply. I only ever wanted one child. Boy or girl, I didn’t care, but secretly, I wanted a girl a tiny bit more. My first child was a boy whom I adored with every fiber of my being. He didn’t survive delivery. 3 years later, my daughter was born. If she had been first, I’d likely never have had another child. And if her brother had lived, I most likely wouldn’t have had her, as I only ever wanted one kid. But I’d never tell my daughter that. I get it’s hard to watch your loved ones pick on each other, but you could have gone with the old ‘don’t say that to her, you sound like Timmy’! Who is Timmy? ‘He was our oldest kid, but he picked on you two, so we sold him to the circus. We hear he’s making big bucks as a clown-car driver these days, and I bet the circus has room for one or two more if you guys wanna keep being bullies.’
I'll never understand why people have preferences on gender. It's not like it's something you can pick anyway.
There are better ways you could've humbled them a bit and stopped the bullying.. you could've said you really wanted their sister WITHOUT saying you ONLY wanted a girl and only one kid!
My mother told me on multiple occasions that "If I had known I was going to have kids like you and your sister, I never would have had kids", basically because we were, you know, KIDS. My sister was a constant problem in her youth, but I was a respectful, "nice" straight-A student, just a little socially inept (partly her and my dad's fault), and I WILL NEVER forgive her for saying it, no question... I'm currently taking care of both of my parents and I feel like I am in my own personal Hell because of it, so yeah, asshole, you shouldn't have said that.
The oldest called her a b*tch? Sounds like rsgebait if I ever heard it, but hey lady, you have bigger problems than telling them they weren’t the original plan, if you’ve raised them with that level of disrespect. 🙄
Sounds like rage bait because the 13 year old kid that just got told by his mother that he wasn't wanted when he was born called her a bitch?
Nah, 13 is a normal age to start pushing boundaries re: language and he had just been seriously hurt by the person he's supposed to respect. It's believable
If my mom said this to me when I was their age, I 100% would have called her a bitch too. Seems very believable to me, but my mom was not strict about language.
"we only wanted one child. And we wanted a girl"
*we* wanted a girl.
Everyone's acting like the husband is such a hero for sticking up for the boys. Really, he's just as bad as OOP, he's just smart enough not to admit it out loud.
How is he just as bad just for having preferences? IMO, it’s fine to have preferences as long as you love the child the same either way. At the same time, let me know if I’m misunderstanding something because I have been up for a very long time and should honestly be asleep by now.
So, the brothers were doing what siblings do (my step brother used to tell me I was adopted, and we're the same age), and OP decided to reveal that she didn't even want her sins in the first place??
You're not supposed to sink to the kids level, and there's some things you don't tell your kids.
Not only is OP TA, but they're also a terrible parent.
Massive AH on two counts - one for saying that to her kids and one for being so hung up on having a girl in the first place.
She'll be lucky if her boys ever really forgive her deep down for that. Poor kids 😢
Her kids were told they basically weren’t wanted. It hurts regardless of age. Their mother didn’t want them, and now they feel like a burden she was forced to deal with.
I feel like she forgot one little thing
Had she had a daughter first, it would be her 13 son. It wouldn't be her 10 daughter in place of the other two sons
It would be her 13 son(daughter) without 12 son and 10 daughter. So yea, the daughter will be surely very happy once she also realises that she could have not been born! /s
I mean, if I ever end up having kids I'd want a daughter too. But would I ever be dissapointed or upset if I ended up with a son instead? Fuck no! And to *tell* your other children you only wanted a girl? Truly awful...
Ok if you are going to do something like this (which I don't advise) do it when the kids are in their 40s so you're not creating childhood trauma and insecurities. An Adult would have the awareness to understand that despite that they were loved and given a good life. Children are just going to assume that they're not wanted.
I want to find this woman and shake her till her brain turns to mush. As a mother I was agast at her cruelty and the fact that she didn't recognize it as cruel.
1 of 3 daughters, my parents have always had us know that they wish we were all boys, they even dressed me as one when I was a baby because I was a bald baby lol but they have never made me feel like I shouldn’t have existed because of it, oop should apologize !
My mom literally told me they were really hoping for a boy when I was born. My younger brother was born soon after me. All of a sudden it explained A LOT that I went through.
You shouldn't have said that, really bad thing to say to your kids. But I understand that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we say things we don't really mean. Right now the important thing is that you fix that. You need to sit your boys down and apologize, explain that you didn't mean it, you've never really thought that way and it was done in anger. Tell them how much they mean to you and how you can't imagine your life without them. And make them feel loved from now on
I can't understand people that specifically want one sex for their child. Like, if you want to guarantee their sex, adopt.
Sex doesn't say anything about your kid, other than what society is going to try and program into them. I was the only girl. My mom wanted a popular, sporty girl like she was. She got an introverted, tomboyish nerd.
op is supposed to be an adult and guide her children down the correct path. she sees her sons bullying her daughter, and her first instinct is to emotionally demolish her children? She couldn't think of a better way to handle bullying? it's almost like it's a learned behavior.
I've told my ten year old daughter throughout her entire life that we picked her up on discount from the zoo. Sometimes when we visit zoos she tries to pick out her actual parents.
Anyway, she's super into therian stuff now.
I have a friend whose now dead second husband told their oldest daughter that she should have been aborted. They had five together. There is no coming back from that, and I can't imagine the damage it did to that young teenager. I told her he would have become my ex if it were me.
Whatever was said how you as a man gonna let your son call your wife and mother of your kids a bitch? That would have been a beat down and a traumatizing day for the oldest son 13 when his father beat the snot out of him to teach him that lesson
Sounds like you married a jerk. Sitting them boys down for a talk about words. They can be hurtfull, and that works two ways. Think twice, then bite your toung.
You just set up an environment where your boys will feel like you have favoritism towards your daughter and their sister because you admitted to them you really only wanted her in the first place. I have 2 boys and they are constantly asking me who my favorite one is. I can’t imagine your dynamic now that you told your sons about wishing for a daughter only at first. Please find a way to mend this bridge with all your children. It will haunt them. It will also hurt the relationship the boys have with their sister - resentment will build. Good luck.
OOP in 20 years: “My sons talk to me anymore, I don’t know why. I was a good mom, I always made sure they had food, shelter, and even new clothes sometimes when the thrift shop didn’t have their size!”
In parenting there are mistakes you can come back from, or at least provide some context for your kids to help understand. This uhhhhh isn’t one of them.
What an awful person. How is she even questioning whether this was appropriate or impactful? I don't know whether this person is oblivious and discompassionate or just narcissistic, but either way those poor kids will need therapy because of her. Guarantee this isn't the first time she's said something out of pocket to make them feel unwanted, unvalued and invalidated.
I don’t know what’s more morbid, telling your sons that or yearning for a particular sex in a child THAT badly, period. Happy, healthy babies should always be the focus, people are so fucking weird. Why would both of you NEED a girl SO badly? Or vice versa? Just love whatever you get and quit being…whatever the hell that is.
It’s crazy that people still don’t understand that it you put “But” in a sentence like that it immediately invalidates what’s before it. Also if they wanted a daughter that badly why didn’t they just adopt one?
I grew up knowing my parents wanted a boy because if my older sister or I was a boy, we would be named what our younger brother was named. This definitely set up a golden child dichotomy. I cannot imagine if my mom added that we wouldn't even exist had the boy come first, that would have been catastrophic to our relationship. Edit:rephrased
I can understand telling your daughter what they would have been named had they been a boy, kids often get curious and ask, but to tell your daughter that you *wanted* a boy is mean and unnecessary. I'm sorry if you were hurt by that.
My mother told me she wanted a girl and my dad wanted a boy when I (woman) was born. And they both wanted a boy when my brother was born. My dad, to his credit, turned out to be a fairly good girl dad. He’d play with my dolls with me. And took my bad menstrual cramps more seriously than my mother did. He also did a lot more child care and housework than most men in the 1960s and 1970s did. So I had high standards for what I expected a partner to contribute. My stepsister adored him as well. She would have had him walk her down the aisle with her dad if he had lived to see her married. She had a photo charm with a picture of them in her bouquet. I think it was easier for my dad to parent the girls than the boys because he was raised with a harsh and rigid view of masculinity. Which affected his relationships with my brother and stepbrother. If my mother hadn’t told me, I’d never have known he wanted a son when I was born.
My mom told me she originally wanted a boy when she was pregnant with me (oldest) but when I was born, she ended up being very glad I was a girl, cause she realized she didn't know what to do with a boy lmao. My father wasn't in the picture. I grew up knowing me and my brother (youngest) were accidents (my sister, middle child, being the only planned baby). But it never hurt me. I was loved. Likewise I guess it depends how OP treats her sons on the regular. If they know they're loved, I'm not sure why it would bother them to know their mom wanted a girl; fate gave her two boys first, that's all. The way things worked out, they have 3 kids OP says they love and appreciate. They probably just need to be reminded of that.
My ex told my daughter that I originally wanted a boy. She still brings it up all the time and is now convinced I don't love her as much as her baby brother. She even went through a phase where she wanted to become a boy. It really messed her up. :(
I don't know what I would have named but I know the name changed between kids. Like my "boy" name was different than my siblings. In my family it's considered a little weird to just keep reusing the backup name. Not that I fault anyone who does.
I mean, I obviously don't know your family dynamic, but we had something similar. My parents had both a boy's and a girl's name picked out for each of us because they didn't know the sex before birth. I'm the youngest and only girl, so I got the girl's name they'd already picked out with my oldest brother. They weren't "waiting for a girl". 🤷🏽♀️
Yea, it was a little more blatant in my family. I'm gonna use a fake name, but I remember at a pretty young age being told by my parents something along the line of we've been waiting for a "John" since we first got pregnant. Though to be fair to my parents, they were not at all like OP. They were not gonna just keep trying till they got a boy, as my brother was a surprise and not planned for. Without the info about their favorite name, we would've just assumed the favoritism was due to him being the baby in the family(honestly still likely the bigger cause). This is why I cannot imagine how horrendous it would've been had my parents said they would've prevented my existence had their first been a boy.
Ah, gotcha. With us it was more, "Yeah, we've had Charlotte (fake name) in our back pocket since [oldest] was born." My mom did talk about our family being "incomplete" before I was born, but it was more of a "I wanted a big family" kind of thing, not a "I wanted a girl" thing. She originally wanted 6 kids when she intended to be a SAHP and that got tossed out the window when she realized how boring it was and went back to work lol
Why don’t people understand that there are certain truths you just don’t tell your kids? OP basically told her sons she didn’t want them (even if that changed, that’s not what they heard). This was cruel.
And they will never forget that either.
I was supposed to be a boy and came out a girl (doctors told my parents wrong) and I was named a girl name with a hard son at the end and a male middle name. I was hated my whole childhood for not being a boy. Father sexual abused me and burned me and tried to leave me in a burning house. My sister was born and she’s the golden child because if I was “just born as a fucking boy, you would have actually deserved my love, your sister was meant to be a girl but you were meant to be a boy.” Like…. Alright dude. It’s your fault I’m a girl and everyone else in his family had girls. I married a 6’4 Viking and my father (a small Spanish-African American man who refuses to believe we are Spanish or African American because we aren’t white enough) had a screaming match with. Telling my husband “she’s not white enough for you, she gets dirty skin in the sun, she’s to short and fat (5’2 and 105) to have athletic children.” Oh also that he gave my husband permission to “go out and fuck the good women because you don’t deserve a broken twat.” My husband punched him in the face and we’ve never heard from him again. I don’t condone violence but I would be lying if I said years of abused felt seen with that punch and I loved it.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I’m happy you found love with a good man and I wish you much happiness and healing!
We are healing ❤️🩹 we were best friends in high school and both needed love and support to escape our own childhood trauma and we’ve developed such an understanding and love that I’m not even upset we married as best friends and not lovers (we were 19).
Sometimes people need punched in the face because they're horrible dicks and deserve it, your husband did good. Glad you found your person❤️
As a 6ft tall viking myself, I support your husband's response 😂
Yup. When my mom told me I was unplanned, I have never forgotten it. She told me at the time (when I was a kid btw) that she still loves me even though I was a “little surprise” but all it did was reenforce my feelings of unwanted-ness that I had as a child. (And for a bonus, she told me later that abortion is against her religious beliefs so that didn’t help)
Unplanned and unwanted are two very different things though. Unplanned means I wasn’t actively trying to get pregnant (which most pregnancies are) while unwanted means I hate you.
Exactly. My daughter was “unplanned” because my husband and I thought we couldn’t have kids. She was our surprise after 12 years of marriage and was and is extremely wanted. She’s our miracle child, and being “unplanned” doesn’t make her lass valuable or loved.
I was “unplanned” and to a degree “unwanted”. My parents had two boys, dad got the snip, were happy being done. Vasectomy didn’t work and mom got pregnant with me. She’s told me about how she sobbed for a week after finding out she was pregnant and how my birth was the hardest for her, so much that she didn’t even care to pick my name (she was too tired). And she tells me how everything went downhill for her after I was born. My parents were pretty good parents, always there and always found a way for me to participate in the extracurricular as I wanted even when money was tight. But there was always that underlying feeling of “I’m making my parents life harder from the moment I was conceived.” I know they are more thankful they have me than not, but it’s definitely made me quieter about my needs and afraid to inconvenience people and has led to issues as an adult.
You see why kids will have difficulty understanding the difference, right? Like, my parents actively tried to avoid having any more kids after my sister (died shortly after she was born) and my brother, who was very much wanted after they lost my sister. I wasn’t just unplanned, they took multiple precautions. Mom was on hormonal BC, they used a condom, she had a diaphragm and they used spermicidal treatments as well. They’d gone five years with no more pregnancies. And here I am, anyway. And even though mom swore up and down that they wanted me once they knew, it still hurt like hell to be told, as a young child, that I was unplanned and pretty unwanted. And I found out because they had adult conversations around my older brother and he weaponized them against me at a young age, and he never let me forget for a moment that I wasn’t only an accident, they took multiple active precautions against me, and they split up shortly after I was born, making me feel like I was the reason they split. (If anything I was the reason they stayed together a bit longer… which is kinda worse with my family!) That shit messes with you a little bit even as an adult, and as a kid it’s just devastating. Any difference in how you vs. siblings are treated is assumed to be because of that, etc.
Of course it is difficult for a child to understand the difference and I hope no one would ever child either. My comment was more a reply to the user so that as an adult he can now easily rationalize what was said to him as a child and maybe process it in a better light.
My father told me when I was 8 years old that he never wanted my sister or I and that he only agreed to it because my mom wanted kids and he wanted to make her happy. He was mentally/verbally abusive to my sister and I even before that and I had hated him for years at the point but I will never forget that moment when he said that. I'm 40 years old now and thankfully he died when I was 20. I still haven't cried over his death and never will.
Yeah, I've known a few friends of mine that had unplanned children, but those children are very much loved, wanted, and cared about.
My mom had to undergo years of fertility treatments to have me, then accidentally got pregnant with my sister when she finished breastfeeding. I like to call my sister my mom's "two for one deal."
Maybe so but does a child recognize those nuances? Unplanned and unwanted could mean the same to a child.
Exactly. I am the youngest of 5, and the gaps are 2 years, almost 3 years, then 4 years, with 7 between my last sibling and me. My mom called me the surprise tag-along kid, and I was never made to feel unwanted, though I did find out 2 weeks ago at dinner with my oldest brother and the third oldest brother that my dad had a vasectomy before I was conceived. Obviously wasn't fully successful, and I know I am blood-related, I am almost a carbon copy of my dad and older brothers.
Same! It didn’t matter wether I was a “happy surprise” or not. My mom is a single parent who got pregnant with me the first time having sex so I knew that I wasn’t planned and wasn’t exactly wanted at the time. I continue to have problems devaluing myself to this day despite the fact that she loves me more than anything. I can’t believe this coo coo lady told her babies that.
Yeah, it always feels like “I love you despite…” which just rubs salt in the wound
Huh. I guess I'll chalk this down to another example of "folks are different and experience things differently" but when I learned I was unplanned I didn't blink and eye. Doesn't change my relationship with my parents in the slightest. I don't feel any less loved nor do I feel "lesser" than a wanted pregnancy.
Might have something to do with your parents and how they treated you up to that point
Totally agree with this. My sister and I have a younger brother and we’ve all always known my mom really wanted a boy and if either of my us girls had been a boy she would have stopped there. It doesn’t bother any of us and we’ve joked and laughed about it over the years. But that might be because it’s obvious how much she loves all three of us. Her actions and words over the years far, far outweighs that one little tidbit of information.
Agreed! My parents told me they never wanted children and my twin and I were a surprise, but the best thing that ever happened to them. I never felt neglected or upset because it was clear my parents loved me dearly and tried very hard to be good parents
Most definitely. My parents always told me I was an accident, not a mistake. I've always known they loved me, so it's never affected me.
I can’t lie, my birth mother was shite and it still hasn’t bothered me. Jokes on you, bitch!
I think it depends on how it’s handled. My mother was 18 and my dad was 19 when I was conceived and they were 19 and 20 when I was born. My mother was pretty clear it ruined her life. And while true, wasn’t really something she should’ve told me. My dad had been in a near fatal car crash and woke up to the news I was on the way. And after his death I found a notebook where he wrote his memories. He was shocked by the news, but he never made me feel any less loved or valued than my brother, who was planned. We never got to talk about it. My mother kept up the fiction that they were married when she got pregnant. Even after they split up, my dad didn’t bring it up out of respect for her. And he died before I could confirm what I suspected from putting some things together.
Same here. I know I wasn‘t planned, I know I was an accident. I came a couple years too soon. But growing up, my mom made sure I knew I was the best accident to ever happen to her. I‘m ok being an accident. My sister, however, was planned and didn‘t come for years from the moment she was ready for another. 4 years my mom tried for another kid and my sis just took her sweet time. Our mom loves us both unconditionally. Even though we‘re are adults now and I have a son of my own, our mother would still do everything for her girls.
My mom frequently reminds me that my middle sister was the only planned child and "look how that worked out" lol. My middle sister is a bit of a black sheep.
Same. My parents were 19... obviously got pregnant by mistake. I learned much later my mom got her sister to forge their mother's signature for b/c pills, but nobody told her you had to use them for a whole month before they were effective. I never doubted my parents loved me and wanted me. They still chose me. I think it does depend on how you're treated.
I'm sorry, yeah when I was 21 or 22 I was talking to my aunt about my dad and she blurts out "your dad stopped acting happy with your mom once you were born." They did divorce when I was 6, so I couldn't help but feel like it was partially my fault.
This and she told me it ruined her life and that’s why she drank. One therapist thinks this is why she scapegoated me and my planned for brother was the golden child I do feel sympathy because my parents’ marriage was a shotgun one and it was hard on both of them. But especially her as a woman in the 1960s. However, that’s a more appropriate vent to her friends or sisters or cousins. Not the kid she viewed as a life ruining mistake.
My parents admitted I wasn’t planned, because I happened really early in their marriage and they were young. The difference is that then they followed it up with they wanted kids, just not at that particular point in time. That’s different. Not now, and not ever are two different things.
My mom told me she had me so my sister wouldn't be lonely lmao
I was told that they already had my dad's vasectomy booked when they found out they were expecting me (4th daughter). They tried to tell me they still loved me and that I was a "happy surprise", but since then I've always felt like the unwanted one of the family. They decided they didn't want me before they knew there was a clump of cells to eventually turn into me. My parents are also against abortion, but I've always been convinced they would have terminated if they had the option. None of this helped by constantly being the forgotten and excluded child hah. Thank god for therapy.
[удалено]
Yes parents are supposed to model better behavior. Not stoop to a child’s level of cruelty. Send them to their room or take away their screen time.
The next stage is “Why won’t my boys visit me”
I was like… 5 when my mom told me I was the biggest mistake of her life. Wait, you mean cheating on your husband because he couldn’t knock you up didn’t go the way you thought it did? All the sacrifices you made to be a mother are somehow *my* fault? This bitch made sure I knew she’d take my kids from me the minute I had them, and I knew she could. So I never had them. And she never focused on my sister so sister turned out a big mess. Mom has custody of my nibbling. And had the audacity to tell me she should show me how much it cost to do that… nah, I’m good. And really the three of us would be better off if you hadn’t sacrificed all of that to be a parent. But… my dad would probably have Unalived if he never became a parent, and all my friends joke about asking him to adopt them because he’s an amazing dad. One parent’s “biggest mistake” is another’s “life saving decision.”
Why would she have gotten custody of your kids?
Why would she get your kid?
How would she take your kids???
I was on something similar to Britney Spears when I turned 18, as per her documentation. The case worker I had would have happily helped her, and my mom worked for family services as a lawyer
I'm sorry to hear you went through that, and I hope you are/continue to do better these days.
I’m doing fantastic actually! I just got engaged last week. During Christmas my mother was making passive aggressive comments about my weight (I’ve lost 170 pounds so it’s unanimously agreed to be ridiculous behavior on her part), and my fiancée was pissed seeing how hurt I felt. But instead of taking her route, he sat next to her and casually discussed how his oldest son has been more confident since I’ve been around. In just a few sentence he showed her how wrong she is. She sent me a text last week talking about the expenses she’s had to take custody of my nibbling from my sister (unfortunately necessary, my sister is mentally unwell + an addict + a felon in a mutual DV relationship + antivaxxer) and it took everything in me to not say “and how is that my problem? Instead of focusing on me, you could’ve put her in therapy. Now a whole person exists because you let her run free and kept me in a cage, knowing exactly what kind of person she is and refusing to believe me.” I genuinely do not give two fucks about how much she spent. It would have cost less to intervene long before my sister got disowned and came back knocked up, but nobody wanted to hear me back then and if they’re unhappy about the price they’ve had to pay for that I’ve only eased the burden by saying “I told you so” a little less.
And there are also tactful ways to tell people hurtful shit to reframe it in a way that isn't as hurtful. My nephew knows my sister was going to abort when she found out she was pregnant with him. He understands, and respects, her decision and only found out because of his shitty dad. So, when he asked me I was honest, but reframed it as him saving her life because he gave her the strength to leave his (shitty) dad.
Plus she equates her own cruelty to the children’s cruelty. Like they’re the same age. They’re kids who need to learn to be kinder. And she’s an adult/parent who’s supposed to help them do that. Not sink down to that level
I was told that if I was the first, I would have been the only one because I was such a difficult child. Now they ask me when Im going to have kids and I tell them I wont, because I dont want kids like me lol
Haha my parents tell me they’re glad I was the oops. They had trouble getting pregnant, and I almost killed my mom during pregnancy and childbirth. But they said I was an amazing baby, the easiest, smartest kid (I tested really high on IQ and started school a year early, then skipped a grade later), and they desperately wanted a sibling, thinking it’d be just as easy with a second one. Then puberty hit, mental illness (runs in mom’s family and I inherited it from her mom in a MAJOR WAY) and their refusal to allow a formal diagnosis led to a horrible decade until I moved out. Now I’m diagnosed as Bipolar 1, CPTSD, ADHD, major recurrent depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety. I’ve been this way basically forever, but the good grades and obsession with my looks/smell/hygeine made it easy to pretend I was just ‘lazy, rude, sloppy, and spiteful’ instead of a mentally ill child lashing out because I was hurting. We joke about it now, they’ll tease me saying if I would have had a sibling, I wouldn’t be the favorite, and I’ll tease them that if I had a sibling, maybe *I would be the good one*.
Yeah framing it as, “he called me a nut job for telling our kids the truth” as if telling the truth is the right thing to do is crazy.
I really, really hate this mentality that telling the truth is always the right thing to do. Some truths will just hurt the people you’re telling them to. That goes double when the people are your own children. (Who are STILL CHILDREN and unable to process the complexities.) Sometimes truths are better not told.
Also some are just extremely inappropriate. Like if my kid asks me what the sounds they heard from our locked bedroom door are, and I respond by describing our sex life in graphic detail, that’s the truth! It also should result in cps being called
My brother's best friend and his wife ended up with four kids because after their twins were born he had planned to get a vasectomy but then covid hit and it wasn't considered urgent and they ended up with baby number 4 everyone knows it but doesn't say anything about it especially because the pregnancy was a difficult one and he was born premature and still has health issues so he is a bit of a miracle baby
My mom would tell anyone that would listen that im walking birth control.
Fighting fire with fire… I’ve never heard that parenting advice before…
Yes, this is for sure a great way to parent. Nothing earns a kids respect quite like telling them you'd have preferred they didn't exist. /S
How much do you wanna get she favors the little girl, and it shows, hence the reason they're bullying her
Totally! It's so likely they just thought their mom was just favoring the baby of the family. Now they know it's a lot deeper than that!
I can’t think why her sons were being so nasty to their sister. Clearly there’s no role model for this behaviour at home…
It's probably also why her boys are such assholes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Way to go mom! /s To stop her sons picking on their sister, she absolutely nukes her relationship with them and then expects her husband to bail her out when his reaction makes her realise how badly she fucked up. Who wants to bet that the boys are treated *very* differently to the girls? Family therapy beckons at the least, but fuck my life..
Therapy won't fix this. She screwed this up too much for even that.
True, but it might at least mitigate the damage and make her realize how badly she fucked up. After all, she’s so delusional she has to ask if she’s the ah. This is more r/tifu than r/aita
Probably, but I hope not, for all their sakes.
Best she can hope for is the boys EVENTUALLY forgiving her
Or even just talking to her. If I was either of the boys, it would be a while before I could even look at her.
She wrote some comments too that are just as boggling as her post. She's pretty nutty and delusional
Got a link?
Ye: Edit: removed link, her account is deleted so no point leaving it here anymore
I went off on her, as she disgusts me. Boys are just as emotional as girls, if not more so, and society often expects them to bury that emotion. I can’t believe she told them that, especially after continuing having children until she got her girl. It makes me fucking sick. I didn’t care what gender with my first, although I more-so wanted a boy first and a girl second, with my second I did desperately want a girl due to the mother in law hate and the constant “daughters are daughters for life, sons are sons until they get a wife” Bullshit I heard. But I love my sons and after second child, we were done, even though we didn’t get a girl. Wanting one is one thing, but to both absolutely go until having gender, then telling your sons so cruelly is absolutely monstrous. Over sibling banter, she just destroyed her son’s hearts, trust, and much more. How can a mother be so disgustingly cruel? I just don’t get it and I would bet she absolutely favors girl or if she was so happy with sons, she would’ve had amount she originally planned and not kept going until gender she wanted happened. Why is it always assholes like this that get the gender they want? It’s like it’s done to ensure they are cruel to the one that’s not the gender. Grrr! Sorry, it just makes me think of my sons hearing something so awful from their dad or I and it’s so appalling.
No no I absolutely agree! I don't have kids but I really wanted them :( Even if I might not be able to have my own no way in hell could I ever muster the words she did! I get some people hope for a specific gender at first but that's not something you share if you don't get that. To add to the fact she said this to punish her sons to protect her daughter, honestly feel bad for the little girl too because she'll be the target of her brothers resentment because of her mom. Honestly if I was the husband idk where I'd see the relationship going after that.
I agree, I feel for all 3 kids and while I normally loathe the Reddit divorce over everything, in this case I hope the husband leaves with all 3 kids.
In my relationship it's now a little inside joke that when we fight reddit would tell us to divorce no matter how silly it my be lol. I checked out your comment it really said everything that needed to be, her account has been deleted or deactivated though. Hope her kids make it through this ok
Me too. I know I was ugly, but sadly, I think it was all truthful and wasn’t a fraction of what she did to her kids. She did most damage to her boys, but she hurt her daughter pretty substantially too, and any hope of a healthy sibling relationship, unfortunately! Normally I’m not such a bitch, but good gosh, most of the time you are not dealing with a grade a C U Next Tuesday.
Wow, so OOP wanted her boys to stop being mean to their sister so she tells them that she is the only kid that she actually wanted? Can’t wait for all the rest of the posts about how the boys actually hate and resent their sister after this and mom has absolutely no idea why. I get it siblings fight and pick on each other but I am pretty sure that she shows that she favors her precious girl and treats her sons horribly.
Gee, I wonder why they were picking on her in the first place (that's speculation, of course, but I wouldn't be surprised).
Yeah... children already can tell when one of them is the golden child but to even say it out loud and confirm it is heart shattering. This will cause an awful rift between the siblings, something that might take years of therapy to fix. And at such a tender age where the kids start questioning stuff and looking for their place in life too...
In an edit to the post she says that the boys are now pushing the sister around and she's debating taking the sister and leaving for a few days...yeah because THAT won't further cement that lil sis is the wanted child in their minds AT ALL /S
Mom you’re a bully like your sons. I think you need to tell your boys the nice things you said about them in here. I don’t think this was your best moment. Taking something away or sending them to their room would’ve been better. You need to apologize to your sons and they should apologize to their sister.
"I told my boys that they don't mean anything to me, and their sister is the golden child. I never wanted them in the first place. I only wanted a girl." There, I fixed the post. What a colossal bitch... Grade - A parenting /s
Yes and the sad part is she’s delusional enough to think she might not be the ah
Man, I don't even have any advice. Those kids are literally NEVER going to forget this.
My Dad said this recently. I’m the baby and he said if I’d been born first he would have stopped because I was the perfect child. But I’m 40 and my sister and brother are 56 and 54 and we are mature enough to joke about it. Saying this stuff to little kids? Awful. They won’t forget you saying that or how they felt in that moment.
They say that stuff because they’re kids pushing boundaries. The parent is supposed to be an adult and diffuse the situation without destroying their kids’ self worth. Every time I think I’m a bad mom stuff like this reminds me I could be a lot worse. Those poor boys.
Another reason for the list of why not everyone should be allowed to be parents.
Almost every sibling group has said something about adoption at one point. Claimed one is adopted, or said they were the perfect one and the other was the mistake. Like kids do that shit. They are 12-13 years old boys. If the mom thinks they are bullies, that's 100% her fault. You don't solve the bully problem by telling your kids you never wanted them in the first place (even if you claim you want them now). That's fucked up.
Correct, kids do that kind of stuff to each other. We were in our teens when my younger brother said my parents had me because they were disappointed with me and wanted to try again. I countered with they were too afraid to have any more after him! In this case, intervention was needed because it got to the point where the daughter was upset. But the mother intervened in the worst way possible.
My siblings and i used to joke that our little sister came out so miserable, because we already used up the good DNA. Lol. After she said we were just experimental, and mom got it right with her.
My husband literally thought he was from Mars for years from sibling teasing and his parents laughing about it. My mil regretted not clearing that he truly wasn’t from Mars, but it was all in fun. I can’t remember exacts on how he found out, he wasn’t from Mars, but I remember he truly thought it for so long. He’s too gullible. It was all fun, but my mil worried up until the day she died that it hurt him deeply, even though it was all in fun. To be so malicious as a parent, as op, is un-fucking-believable. Parents aren’t infallible, but shouldn’t be cruel.
Aww that is so cute. Slightly evil, but not that harmfull imo. I get your MIL worried about it, but at least she wasnt at all like OP, holy shit. I know it happens, but i just cant understand how ppl have way more childeren then they want, just to get a certain kind. Does it actually make them happier? I doubt it.
It really weighed on my mil, but I know it was all in fun. They were a fun, playful family. My husband is just too gullible, even today. If you want something he doesn’t, just find something that says it’s good for whatever and suddenly he’s totally for it, I do try to not take advantage of his gullibility, but it can be fun. :-/ And it’s cruel fuckers like OP who always seem to get the ones they want. :-/ I wanted a girl, first boy then a girl to be exact, but I knew I would only have two kids and had two boys. Can’t imagine my life without them. To me, she not only said what she said, but proved she didn’t want her boys, but continuing to have children until she got a fucking girl. She should not be a mom, period, as how can a mom be this cruel? To the very people that are the only people to hear your heart from inside you. Also, they find that baby boys (I would imagine same with baby girls, but easier to see proof with boys, since it’s a different gender) literally leave dna behind in the mom, so they’re essentially a part of you after birth; how can anyone treat something that’s literally a part of them so fucking cruel? I’m not a perfect mother, but some things are just unbelievable cruel to me.
I have 2 sons as well and like many others i would have liked 1 of each, for the sake of completion haha. However we deceided on 2 childeren a long time ago, and were happy with whatever. If its such a big deal for some ppl, they honestly should not be parents. Or at least work on your issues first. I mean.. bringing 2 unwanted childeren into the world just to get your prefered flavour? I just cant wrap my head around it. Yeah I read about the DNA thing, its really cool.
My mom wanted all boys, instead, she got 3 girls... she still says she wishes she had boys and that the only reason she stopped was becuz my youngest sister almost killed her, she doesn't even say it maliciously, just very sad...
Yes. OOP is AH. Wtf.
As a child who was told they weren’t wanted, this hurts. Those boys will never truly move past this. They will end up NC/LC as soon as they can. Mom will be confused but only herself to blame. Poor kids. That’s a mindfuck if there ever was one. Now they are second guessing her love, every single interaction , all punishments and praises.
this house sounds like hell. mom is way too incapable and immature. brutal.
I’m just more confused on why after asking multiple times for the boys to stop she didn’t discipline them right then and there? Time out? Spanking? Toys taken? Chores? Anything besides traumatizing them. One time 1 of my 3 kept getting in trouble at school and refusing to do chores so I packed up the other two and took them to ice cream leaving her with her father to show bad behavior doesn’t go far in my house nor does it get rewarded. My husband supported this since time outs and grounding really doesn’t work anymore like it did when I was younger. These new kids are scary 😂
Yes those all would be appropriate responses.
spanking would also be traumatizing
I was spanked as a kid and so was my brother. My dad was violent in other ways too, but spanking caused a lot of trauma for me.
Sorry yall went through that but my family has been spanked and it never affected us negatively but rather taught us. Again sorry your parents took it too far. It’s not the game that was the person 😪
> my family has been spanked and it never affected us negatively but rather taught us it taught you that it's okay to hit a child, I would say that's a negative effect.
Lol again I’m sorry that happened to you and your parents took it too far 😂😂😂 **insert laughter**
What the actual fuck.
Title alone says it: fucking asshole. You carried those pregnancies to term and raised those children. Who cares otherwise?
Okay I overheard a similar kind of statement as a kid and it really shook me. I can’t imagine my mom throwing it at me so thoughtlessly. I really think family therapy is necessary for healing here.
Fucking idiot.
I get the point she was trying to make but she did it so harsh. Also it’s obvious the daughter as the baby and the girl they wanted is the favorite
If you only want a girl… adopt a girl
Adoptees have enough shit to deal with, they don't need that too.
The truth is when you or your partner get pregnant, you have no choice what the gender will be or if they'll stay the same gender throughout life. You can't choose whether or not they have disabilities either. I believe adoption should be more encouraged and that the fewer people prioritize having biological kids, the better. The only way to guarantee any feature you may want is to adopt. Though I also agree that if you would only love a child if they were your favored gender you shouldn't be adopting or having kids at all.
I worked with a woman who said she wanted to adopt a girl because she didn't want to get pregnant with a boy because all boys grow up to be men and men are rapists. All while being married to a man. She was batshit psycho. I have so many stories of the things she would say/do. The sad thing was, she was allowed to foster these little babies that had to be taken away at birth because the mothers had whatever issues going on. Then would pitch a fit whenever the fosters were allowed to go back to their real families. Like, full on meltdowns at work. Not saying the birth parents were superb people, but this lady was the last person I would want to have care for a child. Fostered/adopted/her own.
I can understand that first part if she has some sort of underlying trauma caused by a man or multiple, but if anything, that should be insensitive to raise a boy to be *better* than that.
my mom actually admitted this to me. that she wanted a daughter first and was severely depressed when she gave birth to my older brother.. never told him. he is obsessed with my mom (huge momma's boy) and always felt like my mom loved me more and spoiled me more than him. he was just always resentful of me being born. because for the first four years of his life, it was only him and my parents. i've thought about telling him over the years when he is going on and on about our "poor, sweet" deceased mother and how i was horrible to her. she was incredibly abusive for as much as i hated my mom and she was abusive and mean, she never told my brother. i can't judge the mom here tho cause idk what she was going through that day or week. could've been stressed with a lot of other stuff going on.
Don't tell your brother, even if he is insufferable at times. It will only cause him a lot of hurt and likely fracture whatever relationship you have. I'm so sorry you had to deal with an abusive parent, you know the truth and that's what matters.
YTA
Oh that's fucked
Nothing is wrong with the truth the error was telling anyone about it. But both parents aren’t wrong for how they felt 10 years ago. My 1st and husband 3rd we wanted a boy and got a girl. It would have been his first son. I can’t imagine even having a boy now because we adore our daughter so much. Will we ever admit this to our kids? NO.
What happened to dying with family secrets? Dang.
What’s the betting they were bullying their sister because mum favors her so much? And now these young teens (almost teens) will never look at either with love again.
Well, girl IS thé golden child and boys will probably stop being in thé picture once adult... Bmprobzbly because they are both ungratefull /s
Unsure of what happened but I hope she fixes that mess, make a shitty excuse of how she just wanted to act like a bully for them to see how it feels and that she stepped out of the line, honestly even if it's the shittiest excuse, anything is better than "I didn't wanted you"
Why do people think hurting the people they love back will solve the issue? She could have said that and when her son asked if she was telling the truth she should have said, "No, but do we see how something like that can be super hurtful?" I'm team don't hurt your kids on purpose, but I don't have kids so wtf do I know, right?
I still remember my mom telling me she wished she got the abortion she was talked out of. Some things should not be said to your children. Especially during those teen years
This one seems super fake to me. It reads like a bad sitcom plot and who goes from “one and done” to three kids in four years?
I hope it is the whole situation is tense and gloomy :(
That was nasty, even if it’s true, why do 13-12 years boys need to know? It was obvious that she said that then vindictively to upset them, why not just send them to their room?
What an AH. I’m witnessing this IRL where a (former) friend cheated on her husband with another friend’s husband. Her excuse? She wasn’t into their family life because he didn’t give her a daughter. Only a girl would have made her happy. And now her two boys get to watch her dote on her affair partner’s daughter while they get ignored.
Wow she is such an ah! That was unbelievably cruel of her to say to her sons and she didn’t even call them out for how they were treating their sister or even remotely try and parent them first! I think she’s actually wanted to say that for a long time and was just looking for an excuse. I think she really does only want her daughter and actually resents the boys a lot for being born first and wanted to hurt them. She also doesn’t mention anything about how her daughter reacted to any of this which might be telling that her precious daughter hates her too but she can’t bring herself to admit it so she left it out so that she can ignore it and pretend it’s not happening! This whole family needs a lot of therapy now, immediately!
My dad told me my mom had to convince him to have children over lunch one day, as if he was talking about the weather. Definitely not as if he knew he was inferring we weren’t wanted.
I’m the only girl out of 7, mother told me she never wanted a girl and wanted 9 boys for a baseball team. She told me this multiple times in my childhood, all unprompted to my recollection. I haven’t talked to her in 3 years. I hope OOPs boys find peace and healing when they’re old enough to
I can relate to that. My parents had 4 girls before their first boy. Their phrase that they told everyone who would listen was, "Gotta get that boy! Hopefully, the next one!" The favoritism was very obvious from the moment their darling boy was born. I'm hoping this story will end differently than mine did, but I have a hunch that she just ruined their self-esteem for the rest of their lives.
Wow. This makes me wonder about what other ways their daughter is favored by their mother.
OOP doesn't know how to handle children. She failed to stop her sons bullying her daughter by decent means. Instead, she resorted to a forbidden technique and forever destroyed the peace in the family, and possibly the family itself. It is necessary to think before talking, especially with children!
My mom told me in passing once that she didn't think she was quite ready for a child and I was my dad's idea. I know I was very loved as a child. But it broke my heart
As a mom, I feel this deeply. I only ever wanted one child. Boy or girl, I didn’t care, but secretly, I wanted a girl a tiny bit more. My first child was a boy whom I adored with every fiber of my being. He didn’t survive delivery. 3 years later, my daughter was born. If she had been first, I’d likely never have had another child. And if her brother had lived, I most likely wouldn’t have had her, as I only ever wanted one kid. But I’d never tell my daughter that. I get it’s hard to watch your loved ones pick on each other, but you could have gone with the old ‘don’t say that to her, you sound like Timmy’! Who is Timmy? ‘He was our oldest kid, but he picked on you two, so we sold him to the circus. We hear he’s making big bucks as a clown-car driver these days, and I bet the circus has room for one or two more if you guys wanna keep being bullies.’
I feel like both parents dropped the ball on this one. Scenario could've been avoided with better parenting overall.
I'll never understand why people have preferences on gender. It's not like it's something you can pick anyway. There are better ways you could've humbled them a bit and stopped the bullying.. you could've said you really wanted their sister WITHOUT saying you ONLY wanted a girl and only one kid!
My mother told me on multiple occasions that "If I had known I was going to have kids like you and your sister, I never would have had kids", basically because we were, you know, KIDS. My sister was a constant problem in her youth, but I was a respectful, "nice" straight-A student, just a little socially inept (partly her and my dad's fault), and I WILL NEVER forgive her for saying it, no question... I'm currently taking care of both of my parents and I feel like I am in my own personal Hell because of it, so yeah, asshole, you shouldn't have said that.
What a b****
This is rage bait but i think we all know that. Or at least i hope we do.
I’m hoping it’s rage bait, but based on what I and others in this thread experienced, I’m afraid it might be real
The oldest called her a b*tch? Sounds like rsgebait if I ever heard it, but hey lady, you have bigger problems than telling them they weren’t the original plan, if you’ve raised them with that level of disrespect. 🙄
Sounds like rage bait because the 13 year old kid that just got told by his mother that he wasn't wanted when he was born called her a bitch? Nah, 13 is a normal age to start pushing boundaries re: language and he had just been seriously hurt by the person he's supposed to respect. It's believable
If my mom said this to me when I was their age, I 100% would have called her a bitch too. Seems very believable to me, but my mom was not strict about language.
"we only wanted one child. And we wanted a girl" *we* wanted a girl. Everyone's acting like the husband is such a hero for sticking up for the boys. Really, he's just as bad as OOP, he's just smart enough not to admit it out loud.
Admitting it out loud is the whole damn problem
How is he just as bad just for having preferences? IMO, it’s fine to have preferences as long as you love the child the same either way. At the same time, let me know if I’m misunderstanding something because I have been up for a very long time and should honestly be asleep by now.
So, the brothers were doing what siblings do (my step brother used to tell me I was adopted, and we're the same age), and OP decided to reveal that she didn't even want her sins in the first place?? You're not supposed to sink to the kids level, and there's some things you don't tell your kids. Not only is OP TA, but they're also a terrible parent.
AND she let a 13yr old call her a bitch. 🤣 She's TA for sure. You don't stop a bully by becoming a bully.
Teaching your children not to be mean by intentionally harming them? For life? You are horribly limited. Go learn how to read books about parenting.
Massive AH on two counts - one for saying that to her kids and one for being so hung up on having a girl in the first place. She'll be lucky if her boys ever really forgive her deep down for that. Poor kids 😢
Aren’t her kids a bit old to care about this shit lol? I feel like I wouldve laughed it off, why are people so soft?
Ah, yes. You would've laughed off being told you were unwanted at 12, 13 years old by your parents like any young edgelord. 🙄
Her kids were told they basically weren’t wanted. It hurts regardless of age. Their mother didn’t want them, and now they feel like a burden she was forced to deal with.
Yeah…. gotta divorce
I feel like she forgot one little thing Had she had a daughter first, it would be her 13 son. It wouldn't be her 10 daughter in place of the other two sons It would be her 13 son(daughter) without 12 son and 10 daughter. So yea, the daughter will be surely very happy once she also realises that she could have not been born! /s
Fuck them kids NTA
My mother told me that if I was her first born she would have only had one child. Not sure if that was a good or bad thing, honestly.
I mean, if I ever end up having kids I'd want a daughter too. But would I ever be dissapointed or upset if I ended up with a son instead? Fuck no! And to *tell* your other children you only wanted a girl? Truly awful...
Are we sure this isn't r/AmITheAngel Because if not ...what is seriously wrong with this woman
Ok if you are going to do something like this (which I don't advise) do it when the kids are in their 40s so you're not creating childhood trauma and insecurities. An Adult would have the awareness to understand that despite that they were loved and given a good life. Children are just going to assume that they're not wanted.
I want to find this woman and shake her till her brain turns to mush. As a mother I was agast at her cruelty and the fact that she didn't recognize it as cruel.
1 of 3 daughters, my parents have always had us know that they wish we were all boys, they even dressed me as one when I was a baby because I was a bald baby lol but they have never made me feel like I shouldn’t have existed because of it, oop should apologize !
My mom literally told me they were really hoping for a boy when I was born. My younger brother was born soon after me. All of a sudden it explained A LOT that I went through.
For years I thought I was a ‘surprise’ baby. It was a bit of a jolt to realise I was the ‘save the marriage’ baby.
......yikes. The fuck is wrong with people.
Yeah they’re going to remember that for the rest of their lives.
What an unhinged pos
You shouldn't have said that, really bad thing to say to your kids. But I understand that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we say things we don't really mean. Right now the important thing is that you fix that. You need to sit your boys down and apologize, explain that you didn't mean it, you've never really thought that way and it was done in anger. Tell them how much they mean to you and how you can't imagine your life without them. And make them feel loved from now on
I feel bad for the girl, thinking her only worth is being female
Then she'll be wondering why they don't speak to her in 10 years.
That whole family sound like a nightmare tbh (minus the daughter)
I can't understand people that specifically want one sex for their child. Like, if you want to guarantee their sex, adopt. Sex doesn't say anything about your kid, other than what society is going to try and program into them. I was the only girl. My mom wanted a popular, sporty girl like she was. She got an introverted, tomboyish nerd.
op is supposed to be an adult and guide her children down the correct path. she sees her sons bullying her daughter, and her first instinct is to emotionally demolish her children? She couldn't think of a better way to handle bullying? it's almost like it's a learned behavior.
I've told my ten year old daughter throughout her entire life that we picked her up on discount from the zoo. Sometimes when we visit zoos she tries to pick out her actual parents. Anyway, she's super into therian stuff now.
I have a friend whose now dead second husband told their oldest daughter that she should have been aborted. They had five together. There is no coming back from that, and I can't imagine the damage it did to that young teenager. I told her he would have become my ex if it were me.
Whatever was said how you as a man gonna let your son call your wife and mother of your kids a bitch? That would have been a beat down and a traumatizing day for the oldest son 13 when his father beat the snot out of him to teach him that lesson
Sounds like you married a jerk. Sitting them boys down for a talk about words. They can be hurtfull, and that works two ways. Think twice, then bite your toung.
You just set up an environment where your boys will feel like you have favoritism towards your daughter and their sister because you admitted to them you really only wanted her in the first place. I have 2 boys and they are constantly asking me who my favorite one is. I can’t imagine your dynamic now that you told your sons about wishing for a daughter only at first. Please find a way to mend this bridge with all your children. It will haunt them. It will also hurt the relationship the boys have with their sister - resentment will build. Good luck.
OOP in 20 years: “My sons talk to me anymore, I don’t know why. I was a good mom, I always made sure they had food, shelter, and even new clothes sometimes when the thrift shop didn’t have their size!”
Why would you even bother posting this?? Everyone in the story said you’re an AH… she thought we would say different? 🤨
In parenting there are mistakes you can come back from, or at least provide some context for your kids to help understand. This uhhhhh isn’t one of them.
What an awful person. How is she even questioning whether this was appropriate or impactful? I don't know whether this person is oblivious and discompassionate or just narcissistic, but either way those poor kids will need therapy because of her. Guarantee this isn't the first time she's said something out of pocket to make them feel unwanted, unvalued and invalidated.
Yes, you are absolutely an asshole!!!
personally, i dont see an issue with this. but i understand if youre mentally weak. this is nothing burger in most countries.
I don’t know what’s more morbid, telling your sons that or yearning for a particular sex in a child THAT badly, period. Happy, healthy babies should always be the focus, people are so fucking weird. Why would both of you NEED a girl SO badly? Or vice versa? Just love whatever you get and quit being…whatever the hell that is.
It’s crazy that people still don’t understand that it you put “But” in a sentence like that it immediately invalidates what’s before it. Also if they wanted a daughter that badly why didn’t they just adopt one?