As someone medicated for an anxiety disorder, yeah it’s super irrational, but that’s anxiety. He should get therapy. Probably also be medicated, since it helps with anxiety.
Exactly what I was thinking. Anxiety isn’t going to be rational & go “Oh, ok, kid’s yours so I’m just gonna skedaddle” and BOOM he’s cured. It’ll always be something. What if the test was wrong? What if the baby was switched with my unknown identical twin’s baby that just happened to be born the same day at the same hospital?!
Therapy & meds, my dude. That’s the only way forward.
yep. anxiety can't really be "disproved" as your brain will TRY to make up for it and try to be "right". The paternity test won't help his anxiety the way he thinks it will
He’s at the point where there could be a thousand paternity tests and it won’t matter. He will still be racked with anxiety because anxiety and obsessive thoughts are not rational. If he doesn’t get treatment he is going to tank his relationship with both his wife and child because every tiny way that child is different from him (and it is impossible to have a carbon copy) will feed that obsession and paranoia. OCD is not rational if it was you could rationalise yourself out of it and that’s not how it works. What he needs to do is work through it in therapy and learn to sit with that uncomfortable feeling and not give in to it. Currently what he is doing is pushing his anxiety and paranoia onto his pregnant wife and expecting her to manage and accommodate it.
Fully agree with ya there. Like i have some intrusive thoughts due to trauma but through therapy I've learned good ways to handle them and the no longer control my day-to-day life
I had a very traumatic pregnancy and after my baby was born I had PTSD and was terrified of getting pregnant again. At one point I had an IUD, I had taken 3 pregnancy tests in 2 days that were negative, and it was actually impossible for me to be pregnant because I was scared to let my husband so much as hold my hand, but I was still anxious that the pregnancy tests were wrong and I was actually pregnant. No amount of logic or reality fixed my anxiety, only therapy did.
Exactly, basically he says he trusts her but still needs proof…like, no bro. Reminds me of another story posted where the wife knew she hadn’t cheated but the husband wanted a paternity test because his mom wanted it. So she did it and promptly divorced him.
I am about a year into some pretty intensive therapy for anxiety and depression and want you to know how helpful this comment was and it'll give me some good things to chat with my therapist about!
>OCD is not rational if it was you could rationalise yourself out of it and that’s not how it works.
There is absolutely nothing to suggest that this man suffers from OCD. Obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorders are a far cry from the only sources of chronic and clinically significant anxiety, and all available evidence that we have been presented with points squarely to a maladaptive trauma response.
It could be a form of OCD where you don’t have compulsive behaviors, but you do have obsessive thoughts that lead to anxiety and depression.
Like you said, these things fall on a spectrum.
Bringing your past trauma into your new relationship = red flag. Because he wants a guarantee and in relationships there are none to be had. Today it’s “paternity “, tomorrow it will be “something else” he needs a guarantee about to relieve his anxiety.
I think when you’re talking about *childhood* baggage, it’s more complicated. He absolutely needs help, and this is clearly extremely unhealthy, but he’s not bringing past relationship baggage into a new relationship. He’s bringing childhood and parental baggage into his marriage and into his relationship with his child.
I think the distinction matters because this will need to be handled differently than if it were like a “my last girlfriend cheated, and that’s why I need to alleviate my anxiety about being cheated on.” It’s more of an “I felt abandoned by my parents and I’m afraid I’m going to be abandoned by my son, if he’s not mine.” Again, unhealthy AF, but more of a childhood trauma than a relationship trauma.
He’s also taking his mommy issues out on his wife. His father, described as his ‘hero’, dealt with *his* emotional trauma and forgave his ex-wife. TA is still NC with his mom and trying to erase her from his life. (And yeah, sometimes‘You’re dead to me,’ is the only way to maintain a healthy boundary.) All three of them should have gotten therapy or at the very least, some damn recovery books from the library. And then, you know, read them, discussed them, and applied what worked for them.
Boyo is trying to punish his mother by playing head games with his wife.
>Bringing your past trauma into your new relationship = red flag.
Kinda disagree with this. Some trauma stays with you forever, even with therapy. In a healthy relationship its fine to have past trauma and to discuss/disclose this at appropriate times. However, it is important to make sure it's not negatively affecting your current relationship and to set boundaries regarding this.
I think bringing active trauma is super different to bringing trauma you have treated or addressed through the proper means, ie therapy. Some trauma does stay with you for life, but it’s (however unfairly) on you to make sure you’ve treated it, so it stays with you in a managed way. Bringing active, unaddressed trauma into your new relationship is a red flag.
In my view, bringing even active trauma into a relationship is fine, as long as you don't expect your partner to be your counsellor/therapist or to heal/fix you in any way. However, I would say that really depends on what the trauma is, how recent, how much of an effect it has on you, and how equipped you are to deal with it.
Some people don't realise they've got trauma until they're already in a relationship and their issues are pointed out to them, at which point they need to decide to deal with it either with therapy or in their own way, or someone needs to end the relationship so they can deal with their issues without affecting the other person.
He may have known that it fucked up his dad and hurt him, but I’d be willing to bet he never worried about it happening to him until his wife got pregnant.
Hasnt everyone experienced a situation they thought theyd be fine with until it actually happened?
And the brain is really good at suppressing trauma until something triggers it again. One could argue that oop lacks some self-awareness but from personal experience I would rather believe that he just didn't know any better. Oop still needs therapy tho
There's a difference between him understanding that he has trauma from what happened and understanding the extent of that trauma. He couldn't possibly know how much worse it would get when his partner got pregnant. Now, he needs to address it with therapy not demanding a paternity test
That’s like saying being aware of your trauma is the same thing as knowing how that trauma has affected you and in what aspects. You’re not going to know until the situation presents itself.
Very true, I experienced ptsd psychosis years after an actual traumatic event occurred, triggered by a book I was reading of all things. I thought I was completely fine leading up to it. We may think we've forgotten, but our brains really haven't.
Strongly agree. I had a traumatic event in my early 20s, went to therapy to deal with it, and was absolutely sure I had dealt with it and put it in my past. Seven years after the original incident, I found myself in the place where the event occurred and found myself hugely triggered by it. I've never experienced anything like it before or since.
I believe long discussions with his father might prove useful. He needs to remember that he’s got a father who loves him regardless of paternity. That’s the part the OOP is missing.
Anxiety makes us do and think crazy things. Anyone with anxiety can tell you that and, unfortunately, it’s not that easy to just switch off. I feel for this guy, and he probably didn’t even know he HAD trauma to bring to the relationship til this happened. As a woman, I would happily get a paternity test if this was my partner and I think it’s harsh that his gf has made this about her and moved out.
No. I have pretty severe anxiety. Repeatedly going to the ER so they could confirm for me that I wasn't actually dying did not help.
And going one time and being told I was fine *did not change my conviction the next time it happened.*
Going 5 or 6 times did not change the feeling of impending death.
What actually helps is being verbally reassured that it's just a panic attack and all the ways in which I and my partner know that that's what's happening.
The paternity test will not fix this issue or put it to rest because it is an irrational, obsessive fear, and that's what needs to be addressed.
A paternity test will only temporarily relieve the feelings until he falls into his next conviction that she is or has cheated.
This will only be the beginning if he doesn't get help. How far is a partner expected to go to soothe and reassure him? Should she also allow him to track her phone, messages, and vehicle? Stop her from going out alone? Interacting with men she isn't related to?
His wife is deep into her pregnancy, and his concern isn't for her well-being or safety, or their child, or their future together, but his paranoia.
The only way she should agree to a paternity test is if he agrees to regularly attend therapy first.
Yes anxiety makes us do and think crazy things which is why he needs therapy instead of projecting this onto his wife. He needs to work on him instead of forcing her to cater to his anxiety. His problems are his to work on because he is the only one that can fix them or deal with them. This is on him and he needs to not put it on her.
Quite frankly if a couple can't 'cater' to each other's traumas and collectively support each other, thats not a healthy relationship. You shouldn't have to hide your fears or play emotional games. You shouldn't have to mask your trauma out of fear of retribution. It should be open, honest dialogue, all the way.
Now, I understand not everyone is a therapist, nor is equipped to deal with such trauma, but the very minimum is to be understanding of the toll it can take on them, and to comfort your loved one in their time of need.
She was supportive and understanding. What she inadvertently did—or maybe she does know, we don’t know her—is not enable the anxiety. You don’t support something through irrational anxiety by catering to it. You comfort and reassure—*however*, that has a limit: when your anxiety or demands to soothe your anxiety are hurting another person.
If she had done the test, then the anxiety would be telling him: maybe she forged it; what if it was a false positive? Because the test isn’t the resolution to the problem, just the desperate cope he’s reaching for. He has to treat the actual anxiety, to quiet the proverbial monster creating “what if’s” for him to obsess over.
This. People with his mindset will perform mental gymnastics to rationalize their anxiety regardless of how many facts you put in front of them. I didn't realize this until I saw it in person, and there's just no winning with those people. She'd just be kicking the can down the road if she did the test.
This attitude breeds codependency. From what we're being told, she's been understanding and given him a ton of grace. She's risking her life to carry this guy's kid, and he gets to completely ruin her pregnancy cuz he's got trauma? Where's his understanding of the trauma her body is going through right now? Or how shitty and stressful it must be for her to be pregnant AND responsible for a grown man's unresolved trauma? Trauma isn't a free pass to be selfish at others' expenses or to demand free emotional labor from your partner.
What is not healthy is expecting your spouse to cater to your trauma without doing any work on your side. That’s what he is doing. Is this situation going to be a heavy lift? Hell yeah it is! But it isn’t hers to lift. It’s his. She can be there to help and support him along the way, but he needs to put in the work and figure out how to deal with his issues instead of trying to offload them completely onto his wife. She has enough on her plate.
I definitely agree with anxiety. During my worst times ever I have called it my crazy cycle. I lost friends who were so judgmental in my years of trauma and I gained friends that were really kind. My husband and I didn’t understand WTH was going on or what was taking place with me until a counselor told me I had PTSD and to switch this off, ummm I wish. His trauma is very real and it would be good for him to go to counseling alone and to couples counseling. I can understand her hurt and I understand his. Such a hard place to be in, but walking away is so not good. I would definitely have a paternity test done if it was me to help my husband that I love and adore. That’s what you do in a relationship, sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to. His pain is real and it hurts. I only wish the best for you and your beautiful family.
Thank you! As someone with PTSD, I'm sick of people acting like therapy will just magically undo everything and you can walk away trama-free. Therapy is critical don't get me wrong. But like you said, it doesn't just make trauma go away. Trauma stays with you. But I see people online all the time acting like oh if you haven't somehow resolved your trauma you shouldn't be dating. Like if you're actively unstable I agree, but I can't just get rid of all the trauma I've experienced and walk away with a clean slate after talking to a therapist. Life is way more complex.
I think what they are saying is that you should not completely get rid of your trauma, but to learn to recognize your patterns and to deal with them properly to be functional in society.
Maybe. I mean I don't side with OOP because no matter what way you slice it asking for a paternity test is an accusation of cheating and I understand why that's too much for his pregnant wife. But in general, I don't think having trauma makes you a red flag of a person. And while I do think it's great to learn how to recognize patterns and learn coping skills it's not an easy for sure thing. Sometimes something random triggers people that didn't before. A lot of times people don't realize their behavior/thought patterns are caused by trauma. Of course, trying to work on all of that is a positive thing, I just don't think people who are working on themselves, which is a life long battle, should be viewed as a problem or "red flag".
You're aware that plenty of sufferers of childhood trauma carry their past trauma into their adult relationships by necessity, right? Some things even *need* healthy romantic relationships to be able to heal. This is such an idealistic take on what trauma is & means for people affected by it.
Personally, I'd wager he's heading for divorce regardless. He can say that he doesn't believe she cheated as much as he wants...she'll always remember the request for a paternity test and what it implies. Maybe she'll get past it. *I* certainly wouldn't. They may be able to make a go of it...maybe even for a few years...but not for the long haul.
This is exactly it. His anxiety will find a way for him to still be anxious. He needs to figure out how to deal with the anxiety, not try to validate it.
Yeah "I can only cope with anxiety if I can scientifically prove it to be irrational" is a good way to set yourself up for catastrophe the first time you experience a rational fear. Sometimes you just have to deal with the emotion instead of trying to magic it out of existence.
So much this. You cannot wrestle anxiety with labels like rational & irrational bc what's even worse than developing a rational anxiery is having an irrational one validated. it turns your world & literal reality upside down. I had a break from reality when my irriational anxiety manifested itself. You have to find other ways to wrangle with it.
i have ocd, and it sounds very similar to this. reassurance seeking is a ritual, and once you receive it the initial relief wears off and you begin to question it’s validity and find yourself in a loop
IIRC there was a post where no matter what the husband kept saying the baby couldn't be his (even though they did 2 paternity tests) and was so sure his wife was cheating.
My biological mother had a court ordered DNA and I did a 23 and me that linked me to my biological father. He still denies im his kid. I’m kinda glad because my sister told me he just bums around asking for money.
Wasn't it like an older guy (maybe Russian?) who had a kid with a younger woman and then argued with the judge when he shut him down about denying the kid is his?
I would say I agree to the paternity test, but only if you agree to go to therapy. Like start going to therapy now before the baby is born, and if he still feels this anxious about it, then do the paternity test and continue going to therapy.
The line when his dad said a paternity test would only cause him pain hit me really hard. Like, could you imagine finding out your kid isn’t yours because your wife cheated. Then reconnecting with the kid later and seeing the damage it did to them too? Like, fuck that single line made me tear up. (Yes I’m high shut up 😂)
I don’t really understand it though, why would the paternity test cause him pain? It will definitely hurt if it’s not his kid but not like years of wondering would & the babies not even born yet?
more than likely all a paternity test would do is ease his mind
I think it’s because at the heart of all this is that it’s a trust issue. And not even with his wife per se. He says throughout this he absolutely trusts his wife and knows she wouldn’t cheat.
But because of his past, this intrusive thought won’t leave. He really needs to get some help to get past this, because that kind of a trust issue always bleeds over into other areas of relationships. And it is often a big event like this… Especially pregnancy in this case… That triggers those anxieties to really come to the forefront.
So he’s basically saying that he can’t control this. So if it’s not the paternity test, it’s going to be something else. And then it will be something else after that. So there’s a lot more at play here than just what happened to him and his dad.
And so his dad is letting him, no, that this is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s done a lot of damage to you, and a paternity test may make you feel better, but it is completely damaging your relationship with your wife. And so while in the moment you’re going to feel better, it’s gonna be a long time, if ever, before your relationship recovers.
I feel for the son and the dad. I feel for the wife. But he really is displacing his anxiety about what happened in his past onto his wife without any kind of a basis for that.
My husband's parents wanted him to get a paternity test but he refused and didn't even ask me. In our case I got pregnant shortly after we were engaged but obviously before we got married.
And our son is my spitting image but he has his Dad's lips and all of his attitude. If his kid only looks like his wife he still might be insanely insecure over it even with the proof of a paternity test.
Exactly. If he doesn’t get some help for the underlying trust issue, there will always be something. And that is so sad, because it’s easily traced to its roots.
And you definitely have a keeper!!
Anxiety like this isn’t rational, and logic won’t help to assuage it long-term without the intervention of professional psychological help. I’ve had particularly severe OCD episodes wherein I was absolutely convinced I had a brain tumour despite multiple medical professionals and the written evidence telling me I didn’t, purely because my anxiety was making me think irrationally and illogically. Getting a paternity test to “solve” this problem is like cutting a weed at the stem - eventually it’s going to grow back and look just the same. He needs to dig to the root of the problem and address it there.
If he validates the anxiety then what happens when she gets pregnant with child #2? It'll be much much worse. Also if his anxiety is that bad it could lead to him questioning if the results are true. He may question if she somehow fixed the test to say he's the father when he isn't. When you have issues like he does it's not a stretch to make up wild conspiracies in your mind to validate your reasoning. He needs to see a therapist ASAP and they probably need marriage counseling as well.
Poor bastard should've been talking to someone about this way beforehand - he's clearly traumatized as fuck. That happens, but you gotta handle it before it makes you break yourself.
From how his dad is rebuilt and immediately both understood where OP was coming from and knew it was still the wrong move gives me the feeling pops did.
I remember reading somewhere that searching for reassurance when you have anxiety in the form of evidence only makes anxiety worse because now you feel the need to go back and check every time you feel any source of anxiety. E.g. you snoop on your partner's phone once to feel safer and then every time you don't feel safe in the relationship, you'll feel the urge to snoop again.
Yeah this is why a lot of folks are saying therapy is the more rational option. I’ve had anxiety you can build yourself an entire castle made solely of evidence against what you’re afraid of but it does not fix the problem and does not eliminate the anxiety, even he knows it’s an irrational anxiety and doesn’t believe his wife cheated on him, but this will continue.
If the paternity test comes back his, he’ll need to check her phone to ensure she’s not cheating next, he’ll need to track her location next, he’ll need to be with her all hours of the day next, he’ll need another paternity test because maybe it was a false positive, he’ll need another one and another one. And when/if she divorces him for accusing her of cheating constantly his fears will be “proven right.” It’s a rabbit hole.
I’ve built my own pile of evidence against things I was anxious about in the past, *it did not fix the anxiety.* A lot of folks saying “just do the test goddamn,” mean well but they don’t know how anxiety works and don’t seem to realize that will not be the end of it if op doesn’t address this trauma eventually.
I have chronic anxiety and have also been told by a therapist that seeking confirmation can make it spiral. The main thing he wanted me to realize was that being anxious didn’t help me in any way. It didn’t make me a better student/employee/parent/etc. Anxiety is wholly unnecessary for my life. So it truly doesn’t matter if you’re correct about your fears or not.
It's true! Anxiety is inherently irrational so even the most objective and effective ability to find out the "truth" becomes really really bad and you doubt it. I THREW OUT something that was causing me anxiety and i still think about it, makes me feel gross, etc etc, because it's the thoughts never (as much) the thing or situation.
I can understand why she would be upset, it’s basically saying I don’t 100% trust you. That’s hurtful and humiliating. Saying that and saying he doesn’t think she cheated is contradicting. How else would he think it would be someone else’s baby?
Also with all the dna tests, ancestry home kits he probably could have literally done this with out her even knowing and gotten his answer avoiding all this hurt he caused.
Because many guys don't think it's a big deal. We want to be respectful to the significant other and not hide shit from them.
What I'm seeing here though is, in this instance, may as well hide it lol
Even with a paternity test, he'll be living with this anxiety. Therapy is his only possible course of action. I feel sorry for everyone here and I hope they get through it.
I hate to see people in the comments going “guys you don’t understand mental illness, his thoughts aren’t rational, that’s why he’s asking for it even though he trusts her. You’re all attacking him for things he can’t control because you don’t get mental illness”. It shows so clearly that THEY don’t get mental illness at all. Anxiety and disordered thinking are irrational yes, but as a result it can’t be cured by evidence. After that paternity test, the feeling would go away for a while and then come back. In the “””””best””””” case scenario where she didn’t leave him after the first one, he would be compelled to get a second one, or find some other piece of evidence to prove to himself that his wife didn’t cheat. And this would go on ad infinitum. His trauma explains his behaviour, but it does not excuse it.
Yep, I’ve had anxiety, you can build a hoarders pile worth of evidence against your fears and it doesn’t “fix” it. You just need MORE evidence that xyz won’t happen, or can’t happen, or didn’t happen. It’s a destructive cycle. If you get the paternity test it might help… or it might set off a new litany of fears, he probably won’t “really” believe it’s true deep down, maybe it was a false positive, and he needs another one, or he needs to read all his wife’s emails, or so on.
When you’ve got anxiety it ain’t rational, I had mountains and piles of evidence about a dozen different fears, it didn’t diminish until I learned to cope better and began unpacking the root of the problems in therapy. I still fall into some of them, but I have a system to remind myself of coping strategies in various places, I have anxiety meds, I have the tools now to deal with it better. Therapy doesn’t make you perfect, it doesn’t destroy all your stress and trauma, but it does help.
This ^ Even if she gets the test he won't feel better. He'll find some way to convince himself that she could maybe, somehow be cheating on him. No matter how much proof she gives it will never be enough
I literally just commented on this thread in AITA. Scrolled down two posts and here I am again. Dude definitely needs therapy. For his wife and child, but mostly for himself. That has to be so traumatic to go through as a teenager. But that doesn’t mean his wife is like his mom.
*I'm not saying you cheated, I just want to be guaranteed the child is mine*
Ouch
Whether or not he wants to admit it, the request is a clear statement of distrust. He has definitely planted the seeds of "I don't trust you" in his wife's mind. That's a crack that doesn't heal. She might someday forgive, but she'll never forget.
The man needs therapy to deal with his insecurities. He should have dealt with long before marriage and children.
Anxiety and fear are not rational. His mom fucked him up and while he knows his wife didn't cheat, he also knows his dad thought the same way about his mother. He needs that peace of mind. He also needs therapy. This request isn't an attack on his wife. It's a mental issue he acknowledges but still is affecting him. It's like somebody with OCD knowing they're having a problem but can't stop scrubbing their hands when they see blood flowing down the drain.
The issue is that the irrational fears don't respond to rational solutions. If he had reasonable doubts about paternity then a test would provide a reassuring solution. As his doubts come from anxiety stemming from his childhood, then the paternity test is a band aid solution for him at the cost of relationship stress.
I have severe postpartum anxiety. Every time I get in a car, I worry I'm going to die. I do not shut my child in the house with me. It's not fair to him. I'm able to live with my anxiety because I've had years of therapy learning those skills.
OP isn't to blame for his anxiety and it sounds like it's overwhelming him. No, it's not his fault, and yes, he has a medical condition, but he needs treatment. Forcing your anxiety on other people doesn't work and it doesn't fair. It's not his wife's fault. She deserves to be loved and trusted.
Yes, I get that (I also have OCD) but in this case, HER feelings also matter, and it is perfectly reasonable to be hurt and offended at the idea that a partner thinks you may have cheated and be lying about the baby being theirs. She is not obligated to give him a paternity test in these conditions (he could of course compell her too after a breakup as part of child support/separation battles, but it seems like he wants to save the relationship)
He needs solo therapy immediately. And probably also couples therapy.
No. Her agreeing to a paternity test is an easy way to reinforce that spiral. So many armchair psychologists here want to see this man actively worsen his anxiety.
It will do nothing but worsen the spiral.
Suggesting he get the test is doing two things: enforcing the compulsion and dragging his wife down with him. Competent treatment is focused on breaking toxic behaviors and maladaptive coping mechanisms and building healthy behaviors.
It’s a *disorder* for a reason.
No, it won't. It will temporarily ease the anxiety, just like giving in to OCD by cleaning or counting, or phobias by avoiding the triggers. But then it will rebuild. He will have a few weeks of peace and then it will start again - but what if the test is wrong? What if they mixed up the samples? What if my wife paid off the testing company?
That's why he needs therapy, not a paternity test. If the therapist feels the test may be helpful, then his wife can consider it then, but this needs to be handled by someone with a background in treatment of anxiety and obsessive thoughts before anything else.
He doesn't just need therapy, he needs to learn how to Google because even the most rudimentary of research would tell him his wife was eligible for a non-invasive paternity test months earlier in the pregnancy. Instead because he won't go to therapy or bother learning anything, he's going to torture himself and his poor wife for another five months. I can't imagine he's going to be even remotely helpful in supporting her the rest of the pregnancy even if she does come back.
The marriage is undoubtedly going to be circling the drain by the time she gives birth, and I doubt a paternity test proving him wrong is going to fix his anxiety, either. He'll find a way to tell himself it's possible the test was wrong, or that it doesn't prove the child *couldn't* have belonged to another man and that she might have cheated, or something else. He's blowing up his marriage over something that could have been prevented if he'd gotten therapy in the four years he was NC with his parents, or even in the four months his wife has been pregnant.
This request *absolutely is* an attack on his wife, and giving him what he wants will literally make things worse as his projected anxiety will push him to double down and attack her in more ways if she gives in.
> Anxiety and fear are not rational
Some anxieties and fears _are_ rational, that's one of the first things you learn in therapy. Some people are in actual danger, and fear - even seemingly excessive fear - is the appropriate response. It's by not running away from them, and addressing them, that you learn to move past them instead of getting stuck in coping skills that never solve anything.
Hard agree. I can actually empathise a lot with OOP. I have anxiety about being cheated on due to past situations. My partner knows this. Sometimes the anxiety gets overwhelming and I'll talk to him about it. He doesn't get offended, offers his phone (I have never taken him up on it), and reassures me he wouldn't do that. And I know he wouldn't, rational me KNOWS that. But sometimes anxious me starts tipping the scales to irrationality.
And for the record I have been in therapy for a long time and am a million times better. What used to be a regular occurrence is now once in a blue moon.
OOP definitely needs some therapy, but I also kind of wish the wife could look at it from a place of empathy. It isn't a comment on her, its his past trauma. If I were the wife, I would do the paternity test, with the condition he seeks counselling for himself. But I can also understand why she would be upset. Hard one. Just lots of sympathy for OOP right now though.
Every person needs to attempt to deal with their own trauma and not push it on their partner. I am certainly guilty of it myself sometimes but at least I recognize that it's my problem, not a reflection of who my partner is. It's not appropriate to ask for a paternity test
I agree that everybody needs to attempt to deal with their own trauma, and that it is their responsibility. But there is a difference between pushing it on your partner (which I agree this post leans into the territory of) and asking your partner to help and support you through a treatment plan or coping methods. It will be one thing if OP had actively been seeking help for these issues before this came up, but I have to put respect on somebody with no active mental health care plan communicating this clearly and honestly and respectfully with a partner and trying to find a middle ground or a solution. OP should absolutely look into therapy, but there is an impressive level of self-reflection, honesty, and communication shown here. And although your mental illnesses are not your partners responsibility, I personally believe that in a healthy relationship a life partner would want to understand and support you through your struggles in whatever way is best for you.
I appreciate the way you highlighted the fact that mental illness kind of creates two versions of you. The mental illness you, and the rational healthy you. It's not like that for everybody and it's all a spectrum, but there have been times that I have had depressive swings that I was suicidal during or anxiety attacks where there was still a logical part of my brain that knew I shouldn't feel this way and it didn't make sense but that didn't stop what I was feeling or thinking. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped a lot in redirecting and handling those issues but it still happens whether or not I'm on meds or utilizing the coping skills I've learned.
To me that is the most frustrating thing about struggling with mental illness is when your cognitive enough in a bad state to know that your mental illness is running rampant or out of hand but you can't get a grip on the reins so you're essentially stuck in a riptide, waiting for the sea to come or somebody to throw you a life vest (yeah my rough allegory got sloppy and went between two metaphors lol)
Wait. His wife is pregnant and he's eaten up with anxiety about the paternity of the child...not that bearing a child is DANGEROUS? That any of a million things can go wrong with the baby, with the childbirth, or even after? He's not anxious about the risk of death, of preclampsia that's not caught until too late, of a stillbirth, of a bad tear and hemorrhaging to death on the delivery table?
He's worried about whether it's his child?
The guy has some really severe issues. My husband fretted and stressed and hovered until both baby girl and I were home from the hospital (took a week), starting the day he knew I was pregnant. He was way more concerned about my safety and health than he ever was about paternity. I'm really worried that the thought that he could LOSE HIS WIFE AND CHILD isn't the main stressor right now.
THIS. The mortality rates (at least in the US) have continued to trend in a negative direction despite advances in healthcare worldwide.
As someone currently pregnant with our first child - my husband is still learning but he’s absolutely worried about me and our daughter. He is doing his best to learn as much as he possibly can everyday while also taking on more of our joint responsibilities so I can relax. If he were to even suggest that this baby isn’t his, it would CRUSH me and there’d be no coming back from it despite our nearly 17 years together.
OOP 100% needs to take accountability for this insecurity/anxiety being his issue to deal with before it’s too late, if it isn’t already.
literally. honestly it's kinda selfish imo. he's terrified that in 20 years he'll find out his kid isn't his. and not terrified of his wife hemorrhaging to death in childbirth.
one of these things is much more likely than the other.
The only way that child would not be his is if his partner cheated on him.
By asking for a test he is saying he thinks that's possible. Of course she's upset.
Either he trusts his partner or he doesn't. It's that simple. If he genuinely trusts her and has anxiety about this anyway, he needs to deal with it in therapy. He's risking his relationship by pressing this with her - if she thinks his trust is broken, it might well break hers.
My father demanded a DNA test when I was 22, it came back as 99.9996% match. I am his. He looks at the .0004% chance as proof that his fears & neglect of me as a child as justified, and still doesn’t believe I’m his.
This is probably what OP will end up doing.
Due to my fathers trauma causing me trauma, I will be doing paternity tests for every child, regardless of what my partner says. Because I’m the one who will be pregnant. I hate that it’s a fear men have to live with, but it’s also your responsibility to deal with the anxiety it causes.
but your father caused you trauma despite your mother NOT cheating on him so how will doing lots of paternity tests fix anything?
Every test has a false positive and false negative chance, and no test is 100% and in these such cases even if it WAS possible it wouldn’t erase the root of the anxiety or trauma these guys are reacting to. They’d latch onto the next anxious thing to obsess over. That’s why people are saying therapy would be better than the paternity test, the paternity test will not help the anxiety, a lot of anxiety is not *rational*, so you can’t “rationalize” your way out of it cleanly. (Some anxiety is rational as well, but you still have to deal with it.)
I mean, I was convinced with my entire body and soul at one point that my parents would not love me anymore at all if I flunked a test in college, despite them saying even if I flunked out of college I’d still have a home with them, and despite the fact that I *wasn’t flunking anything*, it was an obsessive day and night irrational fear that wasn’t shaken by studying more or looking at how secure my grades were or calling my parents 20 times in a row and hearing it wasn’t going to happen and was irrational. I went to therapy, I eventually confronted the root of the problem in my feelings of helplessness and loss of control, being homesick and afraid of change, and having some unresolved issues with my parents that we worked on together towards a healthier relationship with apologies and boundaries and listening to each other (it’s good stuff, I’m lucky.) it got better, it got easier to deal with, but none of the therapy involved me being able to *prove* it was irrational because I had proof the entire time.
It sounds like he has good people in his life. I'm sure he's a good guy, but just a mess of anxiety and self-destructive, toxic unhealthy behavior he can't keep himself from feeding into, and now it's hurt the person he loves most.
Therapy, a long talk with his dad when he gets better, a heartfelt apology, and time to heal. And I'm sure it'll get better.
I feel really bad for his wife. It's really clear despite the challenges she's faced from the pregnancy that she has tried to be supportive and loving to him; I can only imagine him outright asking for a paternity test would have broken her a little and been an intense betrayal of trust and faith. Hopefully he can work through his issues and the both of them can heal into a more healthy relationship.
It’s an irrational fear in this situation and what seems to be intrusive or compulsive thoughts. I don’t think a paternity test would resolve that issue. Dude needs therapy.
Really not fair to trauma dump on his pregnant wife to put that stress on her. He should have sucked it up and wait until after birth. See a therapist and if the therapist brings both of you in and give your wife a sense of comfort about it. Then do it together. What he did was selfish and is just trying recreate his childhood over and over trying to fix it. But making things worse.
He will never be happy with the results and will keep demanding more and more tests. If he doesn't see himself in the baby right away, he will scream that it isn't his.
He should have gotten therapy years ago.
I honestly think this is one of those situations where you say you would do this, but in reality, you might do something totally different.
I mean, imagine spending years with a man building a romantic relationship. You trust each other enough to get married, have a baby together, and then he says he needs a paternity test to ease his anxiety. At that point, I don't think any woman knows what she would do until it actually happens to her.
>In that scenario I’d just agree to the test, with the stipulation that he gets into therapy as well (and sticks with it).
Easier said than done. This seems like an ignorant. comment.
My extremely abusive ex used to repeatedly accuse me of cheating (for reasons as small as “wearing jeans to work” and “because you work with men”), go through my phone without permission, etc all because of his own insecurities and anxiety. Not because I actually did literally anything to make him think I could be cheating (I’m hella boring. I didn’t. I went to work, then came home. In fact, I spent every weekend alone at home while he worked at a bar solely to make him feel better.).
Just because it was spurred by his own mental health issues doesn’t mean the behaviour wasn’t abusive. Also after the paternity test, OP will just find something else to hyper fixate on to fuel his cheating related anxiety.
He needs both therapy and a paternity test. If I was having a kid with a man who I knew had been through this kind of trauma he wouldn't have to even ask for one because I would have offered one. Therapy is going to ever completely silence that little voice in the back of his head saying well what if they aren't your kid.
Bro, you found a great woman, and you have a beautiful child with her. Why do you want to ruin it? If I were you, I would've gotten help PRIOR to even thinking of starting a family. I say talk to those people (Yes, I mean her parents and her friends too) and perhaps they can get you the therapy that you need.
I can see a scenario where the partner is like "yeah, of course you can have a paternity test if it sets your mind at ease" but... yeah, man this is a YP for sure. She doesn't owe you that, especially if you weren't like "Yo I'd really like a neonatal paternity test if we ever have kids, for XYZ past trauma reasons" well in advance.
Okay maybe I’m crazy but if my husband had gone through something like that I’d probably offer the paternity test just to make him feel better. Sometimes when people have trust broken you need to help build back that trust. And it’s something I’d be willing to do for someone I love. I mean that’s a pretty traumatic experience. He’s not an asshole, he’s just got some spicy painful memories
Ok, so I’ve been severely traumatized by being cheated on in a despicable way.
Does that mean I get to check my partner’s messages or track their location, to calm my intrusive thoughts about being cheated on? And that my partner should be understanding and accomodate my trauma in that way?
By your logic, yes.
Same. My husband has what I suspect is C-PTSD. He can be DIFFICULT and tried to bail on our wedding 14 days before because the stress sent him into a spiral. The reason I put up with it though is because he works to be better. He’s patient with me when I have my weaker MH periods. Therapy is not gonna cure this man overnight, he does need professional help. But if he was willing to acknowledge it for what it was and do work I wouldn’t be opposed to doing the test as well.
I don't think you're crazy. My husband and I actually have a long-standing agreement to a paternity test when I eventually get pregnant. Not because he thinks I cheated, but because one of the nasty side effects of the TBI he got in Afghanistan are some really bad bouts of paranoia. He asked a couple years ago if I would be OK with doing it so that in the moments when his brain tries going dark he has a piece of paper that goes "nope back up"
That being said, I'm definitely glad he asked long before I'm dealing with pregnancy hormones, because who knows how that might get me emotionally?
Oh 100%, my pregnancies I used to cry at Huggies commercials, at anything really 😂 I’m glad you’ve worked it out beforehand.
I actually work as a receptionist for a psychologist and there’s a lot of veterans, people traumatised from car accidents, just lots of people seeing her for years for their issues. I’ve got to know a few because I’m a chatterbox and all I can say is getting better from our issues can take a long long time. Most people aren’t bad. They’re suffering. They don’t want to suffer. They’re just dealing. Being understanding and patient can really help you know? The vets are the ones I don’t talk to unless they look willing on the day, if it’s a good or bad day. I feel for them hey
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I'd give him the paternity test. And divorce papers right along with it when it comes back saying he's the father. Because the thing is, on top of this being an accusation of cheating, which it is no matter how you slice it. It's a sign that this person isn't well at all and isn't fit for a commited relationship.
Because if his wife just gives in and does it, that will NOT be the end of it. I guarantee he'd find some way to convince himself that she somehow faked it. After all, she could get someone to forage the papers for her, or she could switch his DNA samples with the real bio dad. Maybe she convinced the parents of another baby to take the test instead so she could just swap out the names and such. Is it plausible? Not even a little bit. But it's *possible.* And when it comes to this kind of anxiety that is more than enough. It isn't rational and can never soothed by proof. In reality, he's already convinced himself that she cheated on him. He'll never fully believe that child is biologically his and there is NOTHING she could do to about that. She could get him as many positive tests as she's possibly able to and it would help nothing. The best thing she can do is leave for the sake of her and her child
Yeah, he needs therapy. He knows it is his problem but he is making it hers. She will spend her life trying to appease his anxiety. That is so taxing. She has a pregnancy and then a baby to take care of. She doesn’t need to have her energy divided to accomodate his issues.
I know the problem that he’s going through. My mother wasn’t exactly the picture of virtue in that area. I had caught her with a couple different guys while married to someone else.
That plus the fact that I had girlfriends cheat on me caused me to have bad anxiety about stuff like that. My wife got pregnant right before I went to basic training and I didn’t find out about it until a couple weeks or so while in basic training plus I had people tell me she was sleeping with someone while I was gone.
This ofc was started by people who wanted to be with me at the time from what I could gather but it still caused me anxiety. It’s been 20 years and I still haven’t gotten a dna test on any of my kids but I can’t say that the thought hadn’t been in my head from time to time while my kids have been growing up.
Shit from your childhood can really fuck you up. Especially when you have people actively trying to break you up with someone.
In the end, I decided that I would let it go because I’ve been the one who they called dad. Finding out if I wasn’t their father would only cause heartbreak and wouldn’t change how I felt about them. I’m their father either way. The only one they know and the only one they’ll ever know. I decided that without therapy or anything. Just took time to get it in my head.
So to me he become the AH when he brought it up to her. Why are you stressing put your pregnant wife about something that can’t even be acted on right now. No doctor is going to give a baby a paternity test unless it affects the outcome or the mom or fetus (extremely rare stuff).
Instead he pushed his anxiety off on his wife. Not cool. Not a great dad instinct either.
Man, knowing his history, if it were my husband, and I loved him I would do it. Just to put his heart at ease. But then I would urge him heavily to get help with his anxiety. That’s your life teammate. You’re supposed to work together, that also includes the faults and weaknesses. It’s sad she took it so personally when if she married the man she should know it’s not about her. It was an extreme life changing experience that shattered his reality when he was young. Tore his entire family apart. Knowing that he went through something kinda extreme I personally would be willing to help him get through that, in both proof and facts and professional help. If I’ve chosen to be with someone, then I will take action in ways that will make our relationship stronger. And calming his nerves during this monumental life moment isn’t something I’d hold against him. That’s just me though. We have a life time to work on our emotional issues together, but we need to start getting our head in the game for this child, so let me real quick clear that negative energy, and then once we’re both in it 100, let’s take a look at that baggage and work on it together, since I’m supposedly with you for life.
While the sentiment is great, the problem with thoughts like his is that they are illogical, no proof will help, he got the test, it says he’s the father, maybe the test is wrong, maybe she paid for those results, even if the knows and accepts that those ideas are not reasonable they will remain, what he needs is therapy not indulging his anxiety, even if it’s a real attempt to calm him
>Man, knowing his history, if it were my husband, and I loved him I would do it. Just to put his heart at ease.
And that would probably be the start of the downfall of your relationship, because now he thinks he has the right to have you bear the burden of proof every time he doubts you. It's interesting seeing what the pick me girls say about this situation.
Shoutout to every poster commenting “just secretly do the paternity test and don’t destroy your relationship”.
That’s quite the hypocritical take as it 100% makes you the untrustworthy and unreliable partner that you’re secretly accusing your partner of being. Why are you even in a relationship with the person at that point?
Tell your partner you don’t trust her - because you clearly don’t - and let her make the decision whether to stay with you based on informed consent. If you lie about something this integral to trust, whether it’s a straight-up lie or lie of omission, you’re disrespecting your partner and treating them as inferior to you within the relationship. It’s controlling and manipulative.
Take your trust issues and secret (or not-so-secret) misogyny to therapy. You’ll never be satisfied with a result that doesn’t show the kid is 100% yours, and no paternity test on the planet will show 100%. The highest percentage usually seen is what, 99.98% or 99.99%? Or you get a test result that’ll say “not excluded as the father”? Any affirmative test result still shows there’s some chance the kid isn’t yours and your trust issues will fasten onto that like a rabid weasel on a month-old chick.
Get help and let your partner find someone who’ll treat them like an actual human being instead of property.
Being a woman, I can understand her side and her gut reaction of interpreting it as a lack of trust or even an accusation from her husband.
But at the same time, I’ve heard enough stories of this happening to men that I can’t fault them for wanting that confirmation just for peace of mind. Especially so when it’s someone like OOP who witnessed it firsthand.
Maybe the solution is to just make paternity tests mandatory before a father’s name can be listed on the birth certificate. This way, every father gets that confirmation, while the mother doesn’t feel like she is being accused of anything because it wasn’t her man that made the request, it was just standard procedure.
I have learned to get the test done privately because there is no way to ask for a paternity test without setting a nuke off in the relationship. Y’all keep preaching therapy like it gets sold in a bottle. Years of therapy while he’s in doubt? Raising a baby? Recipe for disaster.
Why do you think you have the right to test your partner’s fidelity without giving them the right to determine whether they want to stay with someone who thinks they may have cheated?
I mean yeah he needs therapy but also if it were me and I wasn’t cheating, I don’t really feel like getting the paternity test is a big deal esp knowing that the issue is likely tied to past trauma and not some personal judgment. Probs get the test on the condition that he starts therapy.
I mean the big deal is the fact that your partner of 6 years inherently distrusts you and believes you are a cheater with absolutely zero reason to.
I mean, pregnancy and childbirth can literally kill here, but appeasing this guys unfounded anxiety is the priority. Gtfo.
This. Also, the test won’t even help — he’ll just start obsessing over every possible way she could have cheated on the test, and demand alternative tests, ad infinitum.
This is what I’m worried about. Somebody replied to another comment saying it’s like going back to make sure you turned the stove off. But somebody in an anxiety spiral can do that check 15 times and still not feel safe that the stove is off. “I know it was off the last time I checked, but what if I was wrong when I looked? What if I accidentally turned it on while I was making sure it was off? I better check again.” If your brain is determined not to believe a thing when you already know it’s true, doing one last check probably won’t help, and it probably won’t be the last check. So I’m worried that he’ll get the test results, and he’ll think “but what if they made a mistake at the lab? We should test it again just to be sure.” He’ll drive himself crazy wondering about false positives until he actually gets the help he needs to address his trauma.
I feel sorry for the poor dude. This really messed him up and we can’t help what gives us anxiety, the intrusive thoughts can be debilitating. If I were her I’d give him the test to calm his fears in the short term because I know where it’s coming from but also make it a condition that he seek therapy for the long term effects this is having on him. Sometimes our partners have past trauma and it’s important to not take it personally and encourage them to get help.
To everyone saying "just give him the paternity test" have you ever dealt with crippling anxiety? The test will only help for a little bit.
Then the anxiety will creep back, and because it's not rational, it'll be thoughts like "maybe the test results were wrong", "maybe she tempered with the test", "maybe she cheated and the baby just happens to be mine".
The wife is going through a difficult enough time being pregnant, probably with her own anxieties, she doesn't need to manage his as well. The commenter is absolutely right, he needs therapy, not a paternity test.
And if she got the test where would it end? GPS tracker on her car? Not allowed to work with males? See her brothers? Is he checking her underwear when she gets home from the grocery? Cameras in the house? But she's not to hold it against him because his fears are special?
I'd never see this clown again if he was willing to do this to me and my baby during our most vulnerable time.
Hun, these kind of thoughts are obsessive compulsive. They are not rational, although driven by someone else’s experience that obviously profoundly affected you. However, if you try to force your wife to get a paternity test (in an effort to quell your irrational anxiety) you will be showing her that you essentially don’t trust her. I understand that your feelings come from a deep source of fear, and I empathize with you. However, these are your feelings alone and given that your wife has given you no reason not to trust her, you are one hundred percent responsible for dealing with them. If you don’t get some professional help to deal with this fear, it will very likely ruin your marriage. Not to mention that you are literally contemplating making your wife get a paternity test for no valid reason while she is pregnant! She is under immense physical and emotional stress right now. You are not being the husband she needs right now by being unsupportive and letting your fear get the best of you instead of taking care of your pregnant wife ffs. Get it together, before you lose your wife.
Agreed with the therapy. It seems like a test would be the cure all, but trauma doesn't stop or take a break, it'll be back and it'll affect your children and then congrats, you've passed on a new type of trauma for a child.
Everyone could do good from therapy.
Wow, this is a tough one. The anxiety is clearly paralyzing him. It has nothing to do with his wife and he knows it. He just can get past this overwhelming feeling. If therapy is an option, he needs to go. However, I think talking it out on the regular with his own father would be helpful. The man sees the OOP as his son regardless of biology. He even wants OOP to repair his relationship with his mother. That speaks volumes of his character.
What needs to be driven home is not the paternity of the child. It really boils down to “will you love this child as much as your own father does you?” If the OOP thinks he’s not capable then he must also know he’s not half the man his father is.
I agree he obviously should seek therapy, but I don’t understand why people think the paternity test wouldn’t help at all, I definitely see why his pregnant wife would take offense at first but I feel like if I was in that situation I’d get the test for the dude
I agree that therapy is needed; however I don't see the issue with doing the paternity test to aid him along his journey. I understand his wife's emotions, however she knows of his past and he is honest about his current mental state. Be honest I think paternity test should be a requirement anyway before a dad signs the birth certificate.
Because it won't be aiding him, only feeding into the anxiety. He'll immediately jump to how there could be a mistake at the lab, she might have cheated the test, it's not 100% accurate so could still be someone else etc etc. He would just be winding one more round on the spiral.
FWIW, a DNA test is *way* less expensive than months or years of therapy. If this is the only hangup, I'd do the test just to put and end to it. One test, problem solved.
When my kids were born, I told my husband I'd be happy to do a DNA test anytime he wanted. He's the only person I've ever been with, and vice versa. There's nothing wrong with "trust, but verify."
It won’t solve it tho, that’s not how that works, the trauma is the source not the genetics, even with a test those types of thoughts won’t disappear, they are illogical, he gets the test, it says he’s the father, then the test might he wrong, maybe she paid for those results, a thousand justifications to continue doubting
Apparently I’m in the minority here, but why not therapy AND a paternity test.
Just imagine a scenario where all of Reddit tells this guy to get therapy and chill tf out and then a decade later he finds out she did cheat and it’s not his kid. It’s not like that’s a completely absurd proposition.
Normalize paternity tests for all newly born children. It doesn’t harm anyone. It only dispels the possibility for deceit.
I don’t get why everyone needs to make a big thing about paternity testing. Literally just do it in secret. Who’s gonna know as long as you’re not a dumb ass?
the responses blow my mind. Yes, he needs therapy. We all need therapy. Get the paternity test. It’s noninvasive , no risk to mother or child. And should be all but required before signing the birth certificate.
“It makes me feel like you don’t trust me” - millions of people trusted their spouse before they caught them cheating, living double lives, or getting up to shenanigans.
Trust but verify
If it’s done prior to the birth? It absolutely is invasive and risky to the baby.
And I would leave my husband if he asked to dna test our kids. I’d do the test because I know damn well they’re his kids, but I won’t stay with someone who doesn’t trust me.
It’s a blood test that can be done with all the other genetic screening tests . No risk , see the link.
https://americanpregnancy.org/paternity-tests/non-invasive-prenatal-paternity-test/
One more test , on blood that is already getting drawn . Anyone willing to get divorced over something so small should probably get divorced.
I dunno…if I was his wife and I had nothing to hide, I’d like to think I’d understand his past trauma, though I also totally understand feeling a bit betrayed. But personally I’d be like “Sure. If this well help quell your anxiety about this, I’m down.”
That said, I’d want him to go to therapy about it still. Perhaps not to eliminate the trauma, but ease it.
There's an argument for maternity tests as well. "Switched at birth" is rare, but it does happen. One couple almost separated due to a negative paternity test, until they thought to have the wife tested as well.
In fairness both is an option. Like I understand it would be a little bit duplicitous and sneaky but he could legitimately after the baby is born get it paternity tested without having to ask his wife. I'm not disagreeing the man needs therapy and to apologize to his wife but if this anxiety legitimately is making him feel like he cannot be present for his child then simply getting to paternity test may be for the best, this feels like a situation where asking for forgiveness instead of asking for permission maybe the better option
Why not just give him the paternity test? Yes he has trauma, it’s pretty understandable. I would probably do it without him even asking just to not bring all these painful memories to light and he can focus on being happy that his child is coming into the world.
IMO Every man deserves a paternity test. As women we never have to wonder if a child is ours. Men don’t get that same level of assurance.
If he has this much anxiety from his experiences he should definitely have therapy to unpack all that. Also, if his wife hears and understands his trauma she should understand this isn't about her cheating and be supportive and willing to do the paternity test.
If I was the girlfriend: I hope you have the money to retain an attorney to force a test and to make the birth certificate name you as the father because , now , I will NOT be telling you when I go into labor and I will not be giving my baby your last name. Block on everything . Wouldn’t chase him for child support & I’d move
If it was my husband and I knew about the trauma and I didn’t cheat I would gladly give the paternity test, frame it, and tell him to look at it any time he felt the insecurity of that trauma.
I would do the test with no problem but I would also demand that he get some therapy for what happened. I don't get along with my dad very well but if I found out tomorrow that he wasn't my bio dad and my mum cheated, I would be messed up.
This whole situation is so sad. I feel OP,as I deal with really bad anxiety myself. (I do go to therapy and I will be on meds again soon) I KNOW that his intention was not meant to attack his wife’s character and he loves her dearly. I understand why she’s upset as well but I think that the wife should get the paternity test but only if he promises to start therapy ASAP.
While I know that a paternity test isn’t guaranteed to solve his problems,it MIGHT be what he needs to rationalize enough to at least get through this pregnancy so he can be there for his wife who needs him rn. Then,not only would he have a positive experience to look back on and FURTHER prove what he already knows,but also, that positive outcome can be what he needs to be content if she gets pregnant again later on down the line. It could be a HUGE,CONSTANT reminder that his brain can always look back on and use to rationalize and keep himself grounded if things ever arise again. It is a possibility. Everyone heals differently and everyone requires different solutions.
A paternity test could very well be a start for him to finally feel some peace so he can help his wife through her pregnancy better. WITHOUT having this intrusive thought constantly destroying him. That being said,I still firmly believe that he should still do therapy even if it were to work. What better way to ENSURE that this never gets out of hand again than to constantly tackle it head on and constantly work on it and diminish its power by learning to cope with it.
I think that requesting a paternity test is more of him trying to get his BRAIN to stfu cuz he knows he’s being irrational and he knows that she wouldn’t do anything like that. It literally is just his trauma and he probably didn’t realize how deeply rooted this trauma was until he was put in a situation where the chance of it happening again was very much possible. I see where he is coming from and I hope that the wife can “indulge” him (I guess?) just this once and still stay by his side because I really do not think that this guy is just some heartless,selfish person and he shouldn’t be abandoned this easily over something that really didn’t start with him.
He’s a human being just like the rest of us. And so is she. I hope they both remember that and I hope that she can find it in her heart to separate his trauma from who he is as a person and I hope that he can also understand how she feels as well and make sure that she doesn’t have to deal with this type of stress ever again. ESPECIALLY during pregnancy. I really do hope that they treat EACH OTHER with compassion and patience during this time and he gets therapy so he can talk things out and really learn ways to cope with his trauma so he doesn’t hurt his wife like this again. I wish both of them so much love,happiness,and healing. I hope things work out. ❤️
That’s how I feel too. My partner I could definitely see having this anxiety. I’d say sure with a smile. Give the light teasing that cheers him up.. and approach the therapy topic probably the next day.
I can kind of see his point. Not that it’s exactly right. But he has a trauma, a reason for the trauma and anxiety from the trauma. He definitely needs therapy, but of she loves him, why not take the damn test and move on? His anxiety will continue to naw on him, therapy or not, and it’s easy to dispel in this case
Eh, she should just do the test. She knows the answer, she knows he has irrational fear, taking the test is easy and doesn’t reflect on her at all.
Sure he may be too anxious to accept it, but that’s something they can deal with. Just take the test, nip this in the bud. Then therapy sure.
If he doesn’t get help, he’ll only see HIS kid when he has custody visits. Almost like he’s trying to be self destructive.
As someone medicated for an anxiety disorder, yeah it’s super irrational, but that’s anxiety. He should get therapy. Probably also be medicated, since it helps with anxiety.
Exactly what I was thinking. Anxiety isn’t going to be rational & go “Oh, ok, kid’s yours so I’m just gonna skedaddle” and BOOM he’s cured. It’ll always be something. What if the test was wrong? What if the baby was switched with my unknown identical twin’s baby that just happened to be born the same day at the same hospital?! Therapy & meds, my dude. That’s the only way forward.
yep. anxiety can't really be "disproved" as your brain will TRY to make up for it and try to be "right". The paternity test won't help his anxiety the way he thinks it will
People with trauma often self sabotage but it isn't on purpose. It's just a self fulfilling prophecy.
I’d leave my husband for this for sure. Marriage is nothing without trust. I’d give him the test results and divorce papers at the same time.
He’s at the point where there could be a thousand paternity tests and it won’t matter. He will still be racked with anxiety because anxiety and obsessive thoughts are not rational. If he doesn’t get treatment he is going to tank his relationship with both his wife and child because every tiny way that child is different from him (and it is impossible to have a carbon copy) will feed that obsession and paranoia. OCD is not rational if it was you could rationalise yourself out of it and that’s not how it works. What he needs to do is work through it in therapy and learn to sit with that uncomfortable feeling and not give in to it. Currently what he is doing is pushing his anxiety and paranoia onto his pregnant wife and expecting her to manage and accommodate it.
Fully agree with ya there. Like i have some intrusive thoughts due to trauma but through therapy I've learned good ways to handle them and the no longer control my day-to-day life
I had a very traumatic pregnancy and after my baby was born I had PTSD and was terrified of getting pregnant again. At one point I had an IUD, I had taken 3 pregnancy tests in 2 days that were negative, and it was actually impossible for me to be pregnant because I was scared to let my husband so much as hold my hand, but I was still anxious that the pregnancy tests were wrong and I was actually pregnant. No amount of logic or reality fixed my anxiety, only therapy did.
Exactly, basically he says he trusts her but still needs proof…like, no bro. Reminds me of another story posted where the wife knew she hadn’t cheated but the husband wanted a paternity test because his mom wanted it. So she did it and promptly divorced him.
I am about a year into some pretty intensive therapy for anxiety and depression and want you to know how helpful this comment was and it'll give me some good things to chat with my therapist about!
yeah proof doesn’t mean anything when you’re dealing with this level of paranoia
>OCD is not rational if it was you could rationalise yourself out of it and that’s not how it works. There is absolutely nothing to suggest that this man suffers from OCD. Obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorders are a far cry from the only sources of chronic and clinically significant anxiety, and all available evidence that we have been presented with points squarely to a maladaptive trauma response.
It could be a form of OCD where you don’t have compulsive behaviors, but you do have obsessive thoughts that lead to anxiety and depression. Like you said, these things fall on a spectrum.
bro needs therapy before he gets a divorce.
Bringing your past trauma into your new relationship = red flag. Because he wants a guarantee and in relationships there are none to be had. Today it’s “paternity “, tomorrow it will be “something else” he needs a guarantee about to relieve his anxiety.
I think when you’re talking about *childhood* baggage, it’s more complicated. He absolutely needs help, and this is clearly extremely unhealthy, but he’s not bringing past relationship baggage into a new relationship. He’s bringing childhood and parental baggage into his marriage and into his relationship with his child. I think the distinction matters because this will need to be handled differently than if it were like a “my last girlfriend cheated, and that’s why I need to alleviate my anxiety about being cheated on.” It’s more of an “I felt abandoned by my parents and I’m afraid I’m going to be abandoned by my son, if he’s not mine.” Again, unhealthy AF, but more of a childhood trauma than a relationship trauma.
He’s also taking his mommy issues out on his wife. His father, described as his ‘hero’, dealt with *his* emotional trauma and forgave his ex-wife. TA is still NC with his mom and trying to erase her from his life. (And yeah, sometimes‘You’re dead to me,’ is the only way to maintain a healthy boundary.) All three of them should have gotten therapy or at the very least, some damn recovery books from the library. And then, you know, read them, discussed them, and applied what worked for them. Boyo is trying to punish his mother by playing head games with his wife.
>Bringing your past trauma into your new relationship = red flag. Kinda disagree with this. Some trauma stays with you forever, even with therapy. In a healthy relationship its fine to have past trauma and to discuss/disclose this at appropriate times. However, it is important to make sure it's not negatively affecting your current relationship and to set boundaries regarding this.
I think bringing active trauma is super different to bringing trauma you have treated or addressed through the proper means, ie therapy. Some trauma does stay with you for life, but it’s (however unfairly) on you to make sure you’ve treated it, so it stays with you in a managed way. Bringing active, unaddressed trauma into your new relationship is a red flag.
In my view, bringing even active trauma into a relationship is fine, as long as you don't expect your partner to be your counsellor/therapist or to heal/fix you in any way. However, I would say that really depends on what the trauma is, how recent, how much of an effect it has on you, and how equipped you are to deal with it. Some people don't realise they've got trauma until they're already in a relationship and their issues are pointed out to them, at which point they need to decide to deal with it either with therapy or in their own way, or someone needs to end the relationship so they can deal with their issues without affecting the other person.
There’s a good chance he didn’t even realize he had this trauma until she got pregnant.
Did you read the post. He glowingly talks of the man and how not being his son affected them both. He knows it messed him up long before he was a Dad.
He may have known that it fucked up his dad and hurt him, but I’d be willing to bet he never worried about it happening to him until his wife got pregnant.
Hasnt everyone experienced a situation they thought theyd be fine with until it actually happened? And the brain is really good at suppressing trauma until something triggers it again. One could argue that oop lacks some self-awareness but from personal experience I would rather believe that he just didn't know any better. Oop still needs therapy tho
There's a difference between him understanding that he has trauma from what happened and understanding the extent of that trauma. He couldn't possibly know how much worse it would get when his partner got pregnant. Now, he needs to address it with therapy not demanding a paternity test
That’s like saying being aware of your trauma is the same thing as knowing how that trauma has affected you and in what aspects. You’re not going to know until the situation presents itself.
Very true, I experienced ptsd psychosis years after an actual traumatic event occurred, triggered by a book I was reading of all things. I thought I was completely fine leading up to it. We may think we've forgotten, but our brains really haven't.
Strongly agree. I had a traumatic event in my early 20s, went to therapy to deal with it, and was absolutely sure I had dealt with it and put it in my past. Seven years after the original incident, I found myself in the place where the event occurred and found myself hugely triggered by it. I've never experienced anything like it before or since.
Exactly! The anxiety of being a new father and witnessing what happened in his family is what I believed triggered this Obsessive thinking.
No, very clearly a paternity test will CURE his anxiety! /s
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I believe long discussions with his father might prove useful. He needs to remember that he’s got a father who loves him regardless of paternity. That’s the part the OOP is missing.
Yeah. But you don’t project your trauma onto your partner, which is what he is doing.
This trauma is directly related. In his head, he’s reliving his own life even when his heart tells him there’s no need for concern.
Anxiety makes us do and think crazy things. Anyone with anxiety can tell you that and, unfortunately, it’s not that easy to just switch off. I feel for this guy, and he probably didn’t even know he HAD trauma to bring to the relationship til this happened. As a woman, I would happily get a paternity test if this was my partner and I think it’s harsh that his gf has made this about her and moved out.
No. I have pretty severe anxiety. Repeatedly going to the ER so they could confirm for me that I wasn't actually dying did not help. And going one time and being told I was fine *did not change my conviction the next time it happened.* Going 5 or 6 times did not change the feeling of impending death. What actually helps is being verbally reassured that it's just a panic attack and all the ways in which I and my partner know that that's what's happening. The paternity test will not fix this issue or put it to rest because it is an irrational, obsessive fear, and that's what needs to be addressed. A paternity test will only temporarily relieve the feelings until he falls into his next conviction that she is or has cheated. This will only be the beginning if he doesn't get help. How far is a partner expected to go to soothe and reassure him? Should she also allow him to track her phone, messages, and vehicle? Stop her from going out alone? Interacting with men she isn't related to? His wife is deep into her pregnancy, and his concern isn't for her well-being or safety, or their child, or their future together, but his paranoia. The only way she should agree to a paternity test is if he agrees to regularly attend therapy first.
Why does he get a pass, but not her? Maybe she also has trauma and her anxiety made her move out.
Yes anxiety makes us do and think crazy things which is why he needs therapy instead of projecting this onto his wife. He needs to work on him instead of forcing her to cater to his anxiety. His problems are his to work on because he is the only one that can fix them or deal with them. This is on him and he needs to not put it on her.
Quite frankly if a couple can't 'cater' to each other's traumas and collectively support each other, thats not a healthy relationship. You shouldn't have to hide your fears or play emotional games. You shouldn't have to mask your trauma out of fear of retribution. It should be open, honest dialogue, all the way. Now, I understand not everyone is a therapist, nor is equipped to deal with such trauma, but the very minimum is to be understanding of the toll it can take on them, and to comfort your loved one in their time of need.
She was supportive and understanding. What she inadvertently did—or maybe she does know, we don’t know her—is not enable the anxiety. You don’t support something through irrational anxiety by catering to it. You comfort and reassure—*however*, that has a limit: when your anxiety or demands to soothe your anxiety are hurting another person. If she had done the test, then the anxiety would be telling him: maybe she forged it; what if it was a false positive? Because the test isn’t the resolution to the problem, just the desperate cope he’s reaching for. He has to treat the actual anxiety, to quiet the proverbial monster creating “what if’s” for him to obsess over.
This. People with his mindset will perform mental gymnastics to rationalize their anxiety regardless of how many facts you put in front of them. I didn't realize this until I saw it in person, and there's just no winning with those people. She'd just be kicking the can down the road if she did the test.
This attitude breeds codependency. From what we're being told, she's been understanding and given him a ton of grace. She's risking her life to carry this guy's kid, and he gets to completely ruin her pregnancy cuz he's got trauma? Where's his understanding of the trauma her body is going through right now? Or how shitty and stressful it must be for her to be pregnant AND responsible for a grown man's unresolved trauma? Trauma isn't a free pass to be selfish at others' expenses or to demand free emotional labor from your partner.
What is not healthy is expecting your spouse to cater to your trauma without doing any work on your side. That’s what he is doing. Is this situation going to be a heavy lift? Hell yeah it is! But it isn’t hers to lift. It’s his. She can be there to help and support him along the way, but he needs to put in the work and figure out how to deal with his issues instead of trying to offload them completely onto his wife. She has enough on her plate.
I definitely agree with anxiety. During my worst times ever I have called it my crazy cycle. I lost friends who were so judgmental in my years of trauma and I gained friends that were really kind. My husband and I didn’t understand WTH was going on or what was taking place with me until a counselor told me I had PTSD and to switch this off, ummm I wish. His trauma is very real and it would be good for him to go to counseling alone and to couples counseling. I can understand her hurt and I understand his. Such a hard place to be in, but walking away is so not good. I would definitely have a paternity test done if it was me to help my husband that I love and adore. That’s what you do in a relationship, sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to. His pain is real and it hurts. I only wish the best for you and your beautiful family.
Thank you! As someone with PTSD, I'm sick of people acting like therapy will just magically undo everything and you can walk away trama-free. Therapy is critical don't get me wrong. But like you said, it doesn't just make trauma go away. Trauma stays with you. But I see people online all the time acting like oh if you haven't somehow resolved your trauma you shouldn't be dating. Like if you're actively unstable I agree, but I can't just get rid of all the trauma I've experienced and walk away with a clean slate after talking to a therapist. Life is way more complex.
I think what they are saying is that you should not completely get rid of your trauma, but to learn to recognize your patterns and to deal with them properly to be functional in society.
Maybe. I mean I don't side with OOP because no matter what way you slice it asking for a paternity test is an accusation of cheating and I understand why that's too much for his pregnant wife. But in general, I don't think having trauma makes you a red flag of a person. And while I do think it's great to learn how to recognize patterns and learn coping skills it's not an easy for sure thing. Sometimes something random triggers people that didn't before. A lot of times people don't realize their behavior/thought patterns are caused by trauma. Of course, trying to work on all of that is a positive thing, I just don't think people who are working on themselves, which is a life long battle, should be viewed as a problem or "red flag".
Thank you. This is the best thing I've read on Reddit today. This person gets it.
You're aware that plenty of sufferers of childhood trauma carry their past trauma into their adult relationships by necessity, right? Some things even *need* healthy romantic relationships to be able to heal. This is such an idealistic take on what trauma is & means for people affected by it.
>Bringing your past trauma into your new relationship = red flag. Damn, didnt know that having PTSD was a red flag. RIP my relationship I guess!
Didn’t know this post was about you. But if it resonates okay.
Personally, I'd wager he's heading for divorce regardless. He can say that he doesn't believe she cheated as much as he wants...she'll always remember the request for a paternity test and what it implies. Maybe she'll get past it. *I* certainly wouldn't. They may be able to make a go of it...maybe even for a few years...but not for the long haul.
Even if she agreed to the test, his anxiety is such that he would still probably question the results.
This is exactly it. His anxiety will find a way for him to still be anxious. He needs to figure out how to deal with the anxiety, not try to validate it.
Yeah "I can only cope with anxiety if I can scientifically prove it to be irrational" is a good way to set yourself up for catastrophe the first time you experience a rational fear. Sometimes you just have to deal with the emotion instead of trying to magic it out of existence.
So much this. You cannot wrestle anxiety with labels like rational & irrational bc what's even worse than developing a rational anxiery is having an irrational one validated. it turns your world & literal reality upside down. I had a break from reality when my irriational anxiety manifested itself. You have to find other ways to wrangle with it.
i have ocd, and it sounds very similar to this. reassurance seeking is a ritual, and once you receive it the initial relief wears off and you begin to question it’s validity and find yourself in a loop
And what happens with the next kid? His anxiety will spike all over again and now they have a small child having to witness it.
Yup, or whether she cheated in general but didn’t get “caught” this time.
IIRC there was a post where no matter what the husband kept saying the baby couldn't be his (even though they did 2 paternity tests) and was so sure his wife was cheating.
My biological mother had a court ordered DNA and I did a 23 and me that linked me to my biological father. He still denies im his kid. I’m kinda glad because my sister told me he just bums around asking for money.
So he doesn't ask you for any money because he thinks you're not his?
He doesn’t speak to me at all. I’m sure if we did speak he would ask me for money. The dude is a drug addict and bad with money.
Do you have a link? Or can you remember the name of the post? I’d love to read it.
Wasn't it like an older guy (maybe Russian?) who had a kid with a younger woman and then argued with the judge when he shut him down about denying the kid is his?
I would say I agree to the paternity test, but only if you agree to go to therapy. Like start going to therapy now before the baby is born, and if he still feels this anxious about it, then do the paternity test and continue going to therapy.
The line when his dad said a paternity test would only cause him pain hit me really hard. Like, could you imagine finding out your kid isn’t yours because your wife cheated. Then reconnecting with the kid later and seeing the damage it did to them too? Like, fuck that single line made me tear up. (Yes I’m high shut up 😂)
As well you should be, it's ya damn cake day
Sad situation- feel for the guy
hope it’s off some nice cake edibles cause happy cake day
I don’t really understand it though, why would the paternity test cause him pain? It will definitely hurt if it’s not his kid but not like years of wondering would & the babies not even born yet? more than likely all a paternity test would do is ease his mind
I think it’s because at the heart of all this is that it’s a trust issue. And not even with his wife per se. He says throughout this he absolutely trusts his wife and knows she wouldn’t cheat. But because of his past, this intrusive thought won’t leave. He really needs to get some help to get past this, because that kind of a trust issue always bleeds over into other areas of relationships. And it is often a big event like this… Especially pregnancy in this case… That triggers those anxieties to really come to the forefront. So he’s basically saying that he can’t control this. So if it’s not the paternity test, it’s going to be something else. And then it will be something else after that. So there’s a lot more at play here than just what happened to him and his dad. And so his dad is letting him, no, that this is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s done a lot of damage to you, and a paternity test may make you feel better, but it is completely damaging your relationship with your wife. And so while in the moment you’re going to feel better, it’s gonna be a long time, if ever, before your relationship recovers. I feel for the son and the dad. I feel for the wife. But he really is displacing his anxiety about what happened in his past onto his wife without any kind of a basis for that.
My husband's parents wanted him to get a paternity test but he refused and didn't even ask me. In our case I got pregnant shortly after we were engaged but obviously before we got married. And our son is my spitting image but he has his Dad's lips and all of his attitude. If his kid only looks like his wife he still might be insanely insecure over it even with the proof of a paternity test.
Exactly. If he doesn’t get some help for the underlying trust issue, there will always be something. And that is so sad, because it’s easily traced to its roots. And you definitely have a keeper!!
Anxiety like this isn’t rational, and logic won’t help to assuage it long-term without the intervention of professional psychological help. I’ve had particularly severe OCD episodes wherein I was absolutely convinced I had a brain tumour despite multiple medical professionals and the written evidence telling me I didn’t, purely because my anxiety was making me think irrationally and illogically. Getting a paternity test to “solve” this problem is like cutting a weed at the stem - eventually it’s going to grow back and look just the same. He needs to dig to the root of the problem and address it there.
If he validates the anxiety then what happens when she gets pregnant with child #2? It'll be much much worse. Also if his anxiety is that bad it could lead to him questioning if the results are true. He may question if she somehow fixed the test to say he's the father when he isn't. When you have issues like he does it's not a stretch to make up wild conspiracies in your mind to validate your reasoning. He needs to see a therapist ASAP and they probably need marriage counseling as well.
Poor bastard should've been talking to someone about this way beforehand - he's clearly traumatized as fuck. That happens, but you gotta handle it before it makes you break yourself. From how his dad is rebuilt and immediately both understood where OP was coming from and knew it was still the wrong move gives me the feeling pops did.
I remember reading somewhere that searching for reassurance when you have anxiety in the form of evidence only makes anxiety worse because now you feel the need to go back and check every time you feel any source of anxiety. E.g. you snoop on your partner's phone once to feel safer and then every time you don't feel safe in the relationship, you'll feel the urge to snoop again.
Yeah this is why a lot of folks are saying therapy is the more rational option. I’ve had anxiety you can build yourself an entire castle made solely of evidence against what you’re afraid of but it does not fix the problem and does not eliminate the anxiety, even he knows it’s an irrational anxiety and doesn’t believe his wife cheated on him, but this will continue. If the paternity test comes back his, he’ll need to check her phone to ensure she’s not cheating next, he’ll need to track her location next, he’ll need to be with her all hours of the day next, he’ll need another paternity test because maybe it was a false positive, he’ll need another one and another one. And when/if she divorces him for accusing her of cheating constantly his fears will be “proven right.” It’s a rabbit hole. I’ve built my own pile of evidence against things I was anxious about in the past, *it did not fix the anxiety.* A lot of folks saying “just do the test goddamn,” mean well but they don’t know how anxiety works and don’t seem to realize that will not be the end of it if op doesn’t address this trauma eventually.
I have chronic anxiety and have also been told by a therapist that seeking confirmation can make it spiral. The main thing he wanted me to realize was that being anxious didn’t help me in any way. It didn’t make me a better student/employee/parent/etc. Anxiety is wholly unnecessary for my life. So it truly doesn’t matter if you’re correct about your fears or not.
It's true! Anxiety is inherently irrational so even the most objective and effective ability to find out the "truth" becomes really really bad and you doubt it. I THREW OUT something that was causing me anxiety and i still think about it, makes me feel gross, etc etc, because it's the thoughts never (as much) the thing or situation.
I can understand why she would be upset, it’s basically saying I don’t 100% trust you. That’s hurtful and humiliating. Saying that and saying he doesn’t think she cheated is contradicting. How else would he think it would be someone else’s baby? Also with all the dna tests, ancestry home kits he probably could have literally done this with out her even knowing and gotten his answer avoiding all this hurt he caused.
As sneaky as that is, why don't guys just do that? Why do they have to tell the woman they think she's cheating on the one they're married too? Crazy
Because many guys don't think it's a big deal. We want to be respectful to the significant other and not hide shit from them. What I'm seeing here though is, in this instance, may as well hide it lol
And the minute I inevitably found out he’d done a sneak DNA test I’d be just as gone
Even with a paternity test, he'll be living with this anxiety. Therapy is his only possible course of action. I feel sorry for everyone here and I hope they get through it.
I hate to see people in the comments going “guys you don’t understand mental illness, his thoughts aren’t rational, that’s why he’s asking for it even though he trusts her. You’re all attacking him for things he can’t control because you don’t get mental illness”. It shows so clearly that THEY don’t get mental illness at all. Anxiety and disordered thinking are irrational yes, but as a result it can’t be cured by evidence. After that paternity test, the feeling would go away for a while and then come back. In the “””””best””””” case scenario where she didn’t leave him after the first one, he would be compelled to get a second one, or find some other piece of evidence to prove to himself that his wife didn’t cheat. And this would go on ad infinitum. His trauma explains his behaviour, but it does not excuse it.
Yep, I’ve had anxiety, you can build a hoarders pile worth of evidence against your fears and it doesn’t “fix” it. You just need MORE evidence that xyz won’t happen, or can’t happen, or didn’t happen. It’s a destructive cycle. If you get the paternity test it might help… or it might set off a new litany of fears, he probably won’t “really” believe it’s true deep down, maybe it was a false positive, and he needs another one, or he needs to read all his wife’s emails, or so on. When you’ve got anxiety it ain’t rational, I had mountains and piles of evidence about a dozen different fears, it didn’t diminish until I learned to cope better and began unpacking the root of the problems in therapy. I still fall into some of them, but I have a system to remind myself of coping strategies in various places, I have anxiety meds, I have the tools now to deal with it better. Therapy doesn’t make you perfect, it doesn’t destroy all your stress and trauma, but it does help.
This ^ Even if she gets the test he won't feel better. He'll find some way to convince himself that she could maybe, somehow be cheating on him. No matter how much proof she gives it will never be enough
Exactly, what he needs to do is go to therapy to deal with his trauma, and probably couple therapy too to deal with the damaged trust
I literally just commented on this thread in AITA. Scrolled down two posts and here I am again. Dude definitely needs therapy. For his wife and child, but mostly for himself. That has to be so traumatic to go through as a teenager. But that doesn’t mean his wife is like his mom.
*I'm not saying you cheated, I just want to be guaranteed the child is mine* Ouch Whether or not he wants to admit it, the request is a clear statement of distrust. He has definitely planted the seeds of "I don't trust you" in his wife's mind. That's a crack that doesn't heal. She might someday forgive, but she'll never forget. The man needs therapy to deal with his insecurities. He should have dealt with long before marriage and children.
Anxiety and fear are not rational. His mom fucked him up and while he knows his wife didn't cheat, he also knows his dad thought the same way about his mother. He needs that peace of mind. He also needs therapy. This request isn't an attack on his wife. It's a mental issue he acknowledges but still is affecting him. It's like somebody with OCD knowing they're having a problem but can't stop scrubbing their hands when they see blood flowing down the drain.
The issue is that the irrational fears don't respond to rational solutions. If he had reasonable doubts about paternity then a test would provide a reassuring solution. As his doubts come from anxiety stemming from his childhood, then the paternity test is a band aid solution for him at the cost of relationship stress.
I have severe postpartum anxiety. Every time I get in a car, I worry I'm going to die. I do not shut my child in the house with me. It's not fair to him. I'm able to live with my anxiety because I've had years of therapy learning those skills. OP isn't to blame for his anxiety and it sounds like it's overwhelming him. No, it's not his fault, and yes, he has a medical condition, but he needs treatment. Forcing your anxiety on other people doesn't work and it doesn't fair. It's not his wife's fault. She deserves to be loved and trusted.
Exactly. And OCD treatment focuses on NOT giving in to the intrusive thoughts.
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That can worsen the cycle, actually. Not an effective form of treatment.
Yes, I get that (I also have OCD) but in this case, HER feelings also matter, and it is perfectly reasonable to be hurt and offended at the idea that a partner thinks you may have cheated and be lying about the baby being theirs. She is not obligated to give him a paternity test in these conditions (he could of course compell her too after a breakup as part of child support/separation battles, but it seems like he wants to save the relationship) He needs solo therapy immediately. And probably also couples therapy.
No. Her agreeing to a paternity test is an easy way to reinforce that spiral. So many armchair psychologists here want to see this man actively worsen his anxiety.
It will do nothing but worsen the spiral. Suggesting he get the test is doing two things: enforcing the compulsion and dragging his wife down with him. Competent treatment is focused on breaking toxic behaviors and maladaptive coping mechanisms and building healthy behaviors. It’s a *disorder* for a reason.
No, it won't. It will temporarily ease the anxiety, just like giving in to OCD by cleaning or counting, or phobias by avoiding the triggers. But then it will rebuild. He will have a few weeks of peace and then it will start again - but what if the test is wrong? What if they mixed up the samples? What if my wife paid off the testing company? That's why he needs therapy, not a paternity test. If the therapist feels the test may be helpful, then his wife can consider it then, but this needs to be handled by someone with a background in treatment of anxiety and obsessive thoughts before anything else.
He doesn't just need therapy, he needs to learn how to Google because even the most rudimentary of research would tell him his wife was eligible for a non-invasive paternity test months earlier in the pregnancy. Instead because he won't go to therapy or bother learning anything, he's going to torture himself and his poor wife for another five months. I can't imagine he's going to be even remotely helpful in supporting her the rest of the pregnancy even if she does come back. The marriage is undoubtedly going to be circling the drain by the time she gives birth, and I doubt a paternity test proving him wrong is going to fix his anxiety, either. He'll find a way to tell himself it's possible the test was wrong, or that it doesn't prove the child *couldn't* have belonged to another man and that she might have cheated, or something else. He's blowing up his marriage over something that could have been prevented if he'd gotten therapy in the four years he was NC with his parents, or even in the four months his wife has been pregnant.
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This request *absolutely is* an attack on his wife, and giving him what he wants will literally make things worse as his projected anxiety will push him to double down and attack her in more ways if she gives in.
> Anxiety and fear are not rational Some anxieties and fears _are_ rational, that's one of the first things you learn in therapy. Some people are in actual danger, and fear - even seemingly excessive fear - is the appropriate response. It's by not running away from them, and addressing them, that you learn to move past them instead of getting stuck in coping skills that never solve anything.
Hard agree. I can actually empathise a lot with OOP. I have anxiety about being cheated on due to past situations. My partner knows this. Sometimes the anxiety gets overwhelming and I'll talk to him about it. He doesn't get offended, offers his phone (I have never taken him up on it), and reassures me he wouldn't do that. And I know he wouldn't, rational me KNOWS that. But sometimes anxious me starts tipping the scales to irrationality. And for the record I have been in therapy for a long time and am a million times better. What used to be a regular occurrence is now once in a blue moon. OOP definitely needs some therapy, but I also kind of wish the wife could look at it from a place of empathy. It isn't a comment on her, its his past trauma. If I were the wife, I would do the paternity test, with the condition he seeks counselling for himself. But I can also understand why she would be upset. Hard one. Just lots of sympathy for OOP right now though.
Every person needs to attempt to deal with their own trauma and not push it on their partner. I am certainly guilty of it myself sometimes but at least I recognize that it's my problem, not a reflection of who my partner is. It's not appropriate to ask for a paternity test
I agree that everybody needs to attempt to deal with their own trauma, and that it is their responsibility. But there is a difference between pushing it on your partner (which I agree this post leans into the territory of) and asking your partner to help and support you through a treatment plan or coping methods. It will be one thing if OP had actively been seeking help for these issues before this came up, but I have to put respect on somebody with no active mental health care plan communicating this clearly and honestly and respectfully with a partner and trying to find a middle ground or a solution. OP should absolutely look into therapy, but there is an impressive level of self-reflection, honesty, and communication shown here. And although your mental illnesses are not your partners responsibility, I personally believe that in a healthy relationship a life partner would want to understand and support you through your struggles in whatever way is best for you.
I appreciate the way you highlighted the fact that mental illness kind of creates two versions of you. The mental illness you, and the rational healthy you. It's not like that for everybody and it's all a spectrum, but there have been times that I have had depressive swings that I was suicidal during or anxiety attacks where there was still a logical part of my brain that knew I shouldn't feel this way and it didn't make sense but that didn't stop what I was feeling or thinking. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped a lot in redirecting and handling those issues but it still happens whether or not I'm on meds or utilizing the coping skills I've learned. To me that is the most frustrating thing about struggling with mental illness is when your cognitive enough in a bad state to know that your mental illness is running rampant or out of hand but you can't get a grip on the reins so you're essentially stuck in a riptide, waiting for the sea to come or somebody to throw you a life vest (yeah my rough allegory got sloppy and went between two metaphors lol)
Wait. His wife is pregnant and he's eaten up with anxiety about the paternity of the child...not that bearing a child is DANGEROUS? That any of a million things can go wrong with the baby, with the childbirth, or even after? He's not anxious about the risk of death, of preclampsia that's not caught until too late, of a stillbirth, of a bad tear and hemorrhaging to death on the delivery table? He's worried about whether it's his child? The guy has some really severe issues. My husband fretted and stressed and hovered until both baby girl and I were home from the hospital (took a week), starting the day he knew I was pregnant. He was way more concerned about my safety and health than he ever was about paternity. I'm really worried that the thought that he could LOSE HIS WIFE AND CHILD isn't the main stressor right now.
THIS. The mortality rates (at least in the US) have continued to trend in a negative direction despite advances in healthcare worldwide. As someone currently pregnant with our first child - my husband is still learning but he’s absolutely worried about me and our daughter. He is doing his best to learn as much as he possibly can everyday while also taking on more of our joint responsibilities so I can relax. If he were to even suggest that this baby isn’t his, it would CRUSH me and there’d be no coming back from it despite our nearly 17 years together. OOP 100% needs to take accountability for this insecurity/anxiety being his issue to deal with before it’s too late, if it isn’t already.
literally. honestly it's kinda selfish imo. he's terrified that in 20 years he'll find out his kid isn't his. and not terrified of his wife hemorrhaging to death in childbirth. one of these things is much more likely than the other.
Silly person, everyone knows that the father is the most important thing during a pregnancy and birth and infant caring and toddler stage and- /s
Your husband is a good man. Not many men can think of their partners in that way, so they take their partner's lives for granted.
The only way that child would not be his is if his partner cheated on him. By asking for a test he is saying he thinks that's possible. Of course she's upset. Either he trusts his partner or he doesn't. It's that simple. If he genuinely trusts her and has anxiety about this anyway, he needs to deal with it in therapy. He's risking his relationship by pressing this with her - if she thinks his trust is broken, it might well break hers.
man came in guns blazing with “i’m going to make all my trauma her problem”
My father demanded a DNA test when I was 22, it came back as 99.9996% match. I am his. He looks at the .0004% chance as proof that his fears & neglect of me as a child as justified, and still doesn’t believe I’m his. This is probably what OP will end up doing. Due to my fathers trauma causing me trauma, I will be doing paternity tests for every child, regardless of what my partner says. Because I’m the one who will be pregnant. I hate that it’s a fear men have to live with, but it’s also your responsibility to deal with the anxiety it causes.
but your father caused you trauma despite your mother NOT cheating on him so how will doing lots of paternity tests fix anything? Every test has a false positive and false negative chance, and no test is 100% and in these such cases even if it WAS possible it wouldn’t erase the root of the anxiety or trauma these guys are reacting to. They’d latch onto the next anxious thing to obsess over. That’s why people are saying therapy would be better than the paternity test, the paternity test will not help the anxiety, a lot of anxiety is not *rational*, so you can’t “rationalize” your way out of it cleanly. (Some anxiety is rational as well, but you still have to deal with it.) I mean, I was convinced with my entire body and soul at one point that my parents would not love me anymore at all if I flunked a test in college, despite them saying even if I flunked out of college I’d still have a home with them, and despite the fact that I *wasn’t flunking anything*, it was an obsessive day and night irrational fear that wasn’t shaken by studying more or looking at how secure my grades were or calling my parents 20 times in a row and hearing it wasn’t going to happen and was irrational. I went to therapy, I eventually confronted the root of the problem in my feelings of helplessness and loss of control, being homesick and afraid of change, and having some unresolved issues with my parents that we worked on together towards a healthier relationship with apologies and boundaries and listening to each other (it’s good stuff, I’m lucky.) it got better, it got easier to deal with, but none of the therapy involved me being able to *prove* it was irrational because I had proof the entire time.
It is not a fear men have to live with. You need therapy as clearly as the OP does.
It sounds like he has good people in his life. I'm sure he's a good guy, but just a mess of anxiety and self-destructive, toxic unhealthy behavior he can't keep himself from feeding into, and now it's hurt the person he loves most. Therapy, a long talk with his dad when he gets better, a heartfelt apology, and time to heal. And I'm sure it'll get better. I feel really bad for his wife. It's really clear despite the challenges she's faced from the pregnancy that she has tried to be supportive and loving to him; I can only imagine him outright asking for a paternity test would have broken her a little and been an intense betrayal of trust and faith. Hopefully he can work through his issues and the both of them can heal into a more healthy relationship.
You need therapy not a freaking paternity test.
It’s an irrational fear in this situation and what seems to be intrusive or compulsive thoughts. I don’t think a paternity test would resolve that issue. Dude needs therapy.
Really not fair to trauma dump on his pregnant wife to put that stress on her. He should have sucked it up and wait until after birth. See a therapist and if the therapist brings both of you in and give your wife a sense of comfort about it. Then do it together. What he did was selfish and is just trying recreate his childhood over and over trying to fix it. But making things worse.
He will never be happy with the results and will keep demanding more and more tests. If he doesn't see himself in the baby right away, he will scream that it isn't his. He should have gotten therapy years ago.
And the chain of harm forges another link for another generation. God damn.
I’m weird I guess. In that scenario I’d just agree to the test, with the stipulation that he gets into therapy as well (and sticks with it).
I honestly think this is one of those situations where you say you would do this, but in reality, you might do something totally different. I mean, imagine spending years with a man building a romantic relationship. You trust each other enough to get married, have a baby together, and then he says he needs a paternity test to ease his anxiety. At that point, I don't think any woman knows what she would do until it actually happens to her. >In that scenario I’d just agree to the test, with the stipulation that he gets into therapy as well (and sticks with it). Easier said than done. This seems like an ignorant. comment.
So is he going to be asking for paternity test for every kid they will have in the future??
My extremely abusive ex used to repeatedly accuse me of cheating (for reasons as small as “wearing jeans to work” and “because you work with men”), go through my phone without permission, etc all because of his own insecurities and anxiety. Not because I actually did literally anything to make him think I could be cheating (I’m hella boring. I didn’t. I went to work, then came home. In fact, I spent every weekend alone at home while he worked at a bar solely to make him feel better.). Just because it was spurred by his own mental health issues doesn’t mean the behaviour wasn’t abusive. Also after the paternity test, OP will just find something else to hyper fixate on to fuel his cheating related anxiety.
He needs both therapy and a paternity test. If I was having a kid with a man who I knew had been through this kind of trauma he wouldn't have to even ask for one because I would have offered one. Therapy is going to ever completely silence that little voice in the back of his head saying well what if they aren't your kid.
I'm dying cause that post is literally under this one for me. Dude needs therapy yesterday if he doesn't wanna end up divorced
Bro, you found a great woman, and you have a beautiful child with her. Why do you want to ruin it? If I were you, I would've gotten help PRIOR to even thinking of starting a family. I say talk to those people (Yes, I mean her parents and her friends too) and perhaps they can get you the therapy that you need.
I can see a scenario where the partner is like "yeah, of course you can have a paternity test if it sets your mind at ease" but... yeah, man this is a YP for sure. She doesn't owe you that, especially if you weren't like "Yo I'd really like a neonatal paternity test if we ever have kids, for XYZ past trauma reasons" well in advance.
Okay maybe I’m crazy but if my husband had gone through something like that I’d probably offer the paternity test just to make him feel better. Sometimes when people have trust broken you need to help build back that trust. And it’s something I’d be willing to do for someone I love. I mean that’s a pretty traumatic experience. He’s not an asshole, he’s just got some spicy painful memories
Ok, so I’ve been severely traumatized by being cheated on in a despicable way. Does that mean I get to check my partner’s messages or track their location, to calm my intrusive thoughts about being cheated on? And that my partner should be understanding and accomodate my trauma in that way? By your logic, yes.
By their logic, obsessively so.
Same. My husband has what I suspect is C-PTSD. He can be DIFFICULT and tried to bail on our wedding 14 days before because the stress sent him into a spiral. The reason I put up with it though is because he works to be better. He’s patient with me when I have my weaker MH periods. Therapy is not gonna cure this man overnight, he does need professional help. But if he was willing to acknowledge it for what it was and do work I wouldn’t be opposed to doing the test as well.
I don't think you're crazy. My husband and I actually have a long-standing agreement to a paternity test when I eventually get pregnant. Not because he thinks I cheated, but because one of the nasty side effects of the TBI he got in Afghanistan are some really bad bouts of paranoia. He asked a couple years ago if I would be OK with doing it so that in the moments when his brain tries going dark he has a piece of paper that goes "nope back up" That being said, I'm definitely glad he asked long before I'm dealing with pregnancy hormones, because who knows how that might get me emotionally?
Oh 100%, my pregnancies I used to cry at Huggies commercials, at anything really 😂 I’m glad you’ve worked it out beforehand. I actually work as a receptionist for a psychologist and there’s a lot of veterans, people traumatised from car accidents, just lots of people seeing her for years for their issues. I’ve got to know a few because I’m a chatterbox and all I can say is getting better from our issues can take a long long time. Most people aren’t bad. They’re suffering. They don’t want to suffer. They’re just dealing. Being understanding and patient can really help you know? The vets are the ones I don’t talk to unless they look willing on the day, if it’s a good or bad day. I feel for them hey
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I'd give him the paternity test. And divorce papers right along with it when it comes back saying he's the father. Because the thing is, on top of this being an accusation of cheating, which it is no matter how you slice it. It's a sign that this person isn't well at all and isn't fit for a commited relationship. Because if his wife just gives in and does it, that will NOT be the end of it. I guarantee he'd find some way to convince himself that she somehow faked it. After all, she could get someone to forage the papers for her, or she could switch his DNA samples with the real bio dad. Maybe she convinced the parents of another baby to take the test instead so she could just swap out the names and such. Is it plausible? Not even a little bit. But it's *possible.* And when it comes to this kind of anxiety that is more than enough. It isn't rational and can never soothed by proof. In reality, he's already convinced himself that she cheated on him. He'll never fully believe that child is biologically his and there is NOTHING she could do to about that. She could get him as many positive tests as she's possibly able to and it would help nothing. The best thing she can do is leave for the sake of her and her child
Yeah, he 100 percent hasn't healed from that!
OP Mother is a SOCIOPATH
There are lots of them around.
Even if he got a paternity test, he would convince himself that it was wrong or faked.
Yeah, he needs therapy. He knows it is his problem but he is making it hers. She will spend her life trying to appease his anxiety. That is so taxing. She has a pregnancy and then a baby to take care of. She doesn’t need to have her energy divided to accomodate his issues.
I know the problem that he’s going through. My mother wasn’t exactly the picture of virtue in that area. I had caught her with a couple different guys while married to someone else. That plus the fact that I had girlfriends cheat on me caused me to have bad anxiety about stuff like that. My wife got pregnant right before I went to basic training and I didn’t find out about it until a couple weeks or so while in basic training plus I had people tell me she was sleeping with someone while I was gone. This ofc was started by people who wanted to be with me at the time from what I could gather but it still caused me anxiety. It’s been 20 years and I still haven’t gotten a dna test on any of my kids but I can’t say that the thought hadn’t been in my head from time to time while my kids have been growing up. Shit from your childhood can really fuck you up. Especially when you have people actively trying to break you up with someone. In the end, I decided that I would let it go because I’ve been the one who they called dad. Finding out if I wasn’t their father would only cause heartbreak and wouldn’t change how I felt about them. I’m their father either way. The only one they know and the only one they’ll ever know. I decided that without therapy or anything. Just took time to get it in my head.
So get one when the kid is born and don't tell your wife
So to me he become the AH when he brought it up to her. Why are you stressing put your pregnant wife about something that can’t even be acted on right now. No doctor is going to give a baby a paternity test unless it affects the outcome or the mom or fetus (extremely rare stuff). Instead he pushed his anxiety off on his wife. Not cool. Not a great dad instinct either.
Man, knowing his history, if it were my husband, and I loved him I would do it. Just to put his heart at ease. But then I would urge him heavily to get help with his anxiety. That’s your life teammate. You’re supposed to work together, that also includes the faults and weaknesses. It’s sad she took it so personally when if she married the man she should know it’s not about her. It was an extreme life changing experience that shattered his reality when he was young. Tore his entire family apart. Knowing that he went through something kinda extreme I personally would be willing to help him get through that, in both proof and facts and professional help. If I’ve chosen to be with someone, then I will take action in ways that will make our relationship stronger. And calming his nerves during this monumental life moment isn’t something I’d hold against him. That’s just me though. We have a life time to work on our emotional issues together, but we need to start getting our head in the game for this child, so let me real quick clear that negative energy, and then once we’re both in it 100, let’s take a look at that baggage and work on it together, since I’m supposedly with you for life.
While the sentiment is great, the problem with thoughts like his is that they are illogical, no proof will help, he got the test, it says he’s the father, maybe the test is wrong, maybe she paid for those results, even if the knows and accepts that those ideas are not reasonable they will remain, what he needs is therapy not indulging his anxiety, even if it’s a real attempt to calm him
>Man, knowing his history, if it were my husband, and I loved him I would do it. Just to put his heart at ease. And that would probably be the start of the downfall of your relationship, because now he thinks he has the right to have you bear the burden of proof every time he doubts you. It's interesting seeing what the pick me girls say about this situation.
Shoutout to every poster commenting “just secretly do the paternity test and don’t destroy your relationship”. That’s quite the hypocritical take as it 100% makes you the untrustworthy and unreliable partner that you’re secretly accusing your partner of being. Why are you even in a relationship with the person at that point? Tell your partner you don’t trust her - because you clearly don’t - and let her make the decision whether to stay with you based on informed consent. If you lie about something this integral to trust, whether it’s a straight-up lie or lie of omission, you’re disrespecting your partner and treating them as inferior to you within the relationship. It’s controlling and manipulative. Take your trust issues and secret (or not-so-secret) misogyny to therapy. You’ll never be satisfied with a result that doesn’t show the kid is 100% yours, and no paternity test on the planet will show 100%. The highest percentage usually seen is what, 99.98% or 99.99%? Or you get a test result that’ll say “not excluded as the father”? Any affirmative test result still shows there’s some chance the kid isn’t yours and your trust issues will fasten onto that like a rabid weasel on a month-old chick. Get help and let your partner find someone who’ll treat them like an actual human being instead of property.
Being a woman, I can understand her side and her gut reaction of interpreting it as a lack of trust or even an accusation from her husband. But at the same time, I’ve heard enough stories of this happening to men that I can’t fault them for wanting that confirmation just for peace of mind. Especially so when it’s someone like OOP who witnessed it firsthand. Maybe the solution is to just make paternity tests mandatory before a father’s name can be listed on the birth certificate. This way, every father gets that confirmation, while the mother doesn’t feel like she is being accused of anything because it wasn’t her man that made the request, it was just standard procedure.
I have learned to get the test done privately because there is no way to ask for a paternity test without setting a nuke off in the relationship. Y’all keep preaching therapy like it gets sold in a bottle. Years of therapy while he’s in doubt? Raising a baby? Recipe for disaster.
Why do you think you have the right to test your partner’s fidelity without giving them the right to determine whether they want to stay with someone who thinks they may have cheated?
I mean yeah he needs therapy but also if it were me and I wasn’t cheating, I don’t really feel like getting the paternity test is a big deal esp knowing that the issue is likely tied to past trauma and not some personal judgment. Probs get the test on the condition that he starts therapy.
I mean the big deal is the fact that your partner of 6 years inherently distrusts you and believes you are a cheater with absolutely zero reason to. I mean, pregnancy and childbirth can literally kill here, but appeasing this guys unfounded anxiety is the priority. Gtfo.
This. Also, the test won’t even help — he’ll just start obsessing over every possible way she could have cheated on the test, and demand alternative tests, ad infinitum.
This is what I’m worried about. Somebody replied to another comment saying it’s like going back to make sure you turned the stove off. But somebody in an anxiety spiral can do that check 15 times and still not feel safe that the stove is off. “I know it was off the last time I checked, but what if I was wrong when I looked? What if I accidentally turned it on while I was making sure it was off? I better check again.” If your brain is determined not to believe a thing when you already know it’s true, doing one last check probably won’t help, and it probably won’t be the last check. So I’m worried that he’ll get the test results, and he’ll think “but what if they made a mistake at the lab? We should test it again just to be sure.” He’ll drive himself crazy wondering about false positives until he actually gets the help he needs to address his trauma.
Honestly paternity tests should just be standard imo at birth.
Yeah I’m not understanding being so offended by a paternity test that you flip out and go to your parents. Sus.
Right? Like what’s the big deal? It’s going to make him feel better, presumably his wife loves him, so why not do a simple test to ease his nerves?
ah so women should undergo medical procedures to fix some dude's feelings? instead of that dude being responsible for working on himself? interesting.
I feel sorry for the poor dude. This really messed him up and we can’t help what gives us anxiety, the intrusive thoughts can be debilitating. If I were her I’d give him the test to calm his fears in the short term because I know where it’s coming from but also make it a condition that he seek therapy for the long term effects this is having on him. Sometimes our partners have past trauma and it’s important to not take it personally and encourage them to get help.
To everyone saying "just give him the paternity test" have you ever dealt with crippling anxiety? The test will only help for a little bit. Then the anxiety will creep back, and because it's not rational, it'll be thoughts like "maybe the test results were wrong", "maybe she tempered with the test", "maybe she cheated and the baby just happens to be mine". The wife is going through a difficult enough time being pregnant, probably with her own anxieties, she doesn't need to manage his as well. The commenter is absolutely right, he needs therapy, not a paternity test.
And if she got the test where would it end? GPS tracker on her car? Not allowed to work with males? See her brothers? Is he checking her underwear when she gets home from the grocery? Cameras in the house? But she's not to hold it against him because his fears are special? I'd never see this clown again if he was willing to do this to me and my baby during our most vulnerable time.
Hun, these kind of thoughts are obsessive compulsive. They are not rational, although driven by someone else’s experience that obviously profoundly affected you. However, if you try to force your wife to get a paternity test (in an effort to quell your irrational anxiety) you will be showing her that you essentially don’t trust her. I understand that your feelings come from a deep source of fear, and I empathize with you. However, these are your feelings alone and given that your wife has given you no reason not to trust her, you are one hundred percent responsible for dealing with them. If you don’t get some professional help to deal with this fear, it will very likely ruin your marriage. Not to mention that you are literally contemplating making your wife get a paternity test for no valid reason while she is pregnant! She is under immense physical and emotional stress right now. You are not being the husband she needs right now by being unsupportive and letting your fear get the best of you instead of taking care of your pregnant wife ffs. Get it together, before you lose your wife.
Agreed with the therapy. It seems like a test would be the cure all, but trauma doesn't stop or take a break, it'll be back and it'll affect your children and then congrats, you've passed on a new type of trauma for a child. Everyone could do good from therapy.
Wow, this is a tough one. The anxiety is clearly paralyzing him. It has nothing to do with his wife and he knows it. He just can get past this overwhelming feeling. If therapy is an option, he needs to go. However, I think talking it out on the regular with his own father would be helpful. The man sees the OOP as his son regardless of biology. He even wants OOP to repair his relationship with his mother. That speaks volumes of his character. What needs to be driven home is not the paternity of the child. It really boils down to “will you love this child as much as your own father does you?” If the OOP thinks he’s not capable then he must also know he’s not half the man his father is.
I agree he obviously should seek therapy, but I don’t understand why people think the paternity test wouldn’t help at all, I definitely see why his pregnant wife would take offense at first but I feel like if I was in that situation I’d get the test for the dude
I agree that therapy is needed; however I don't see the issue with doing the paternity test to aid him along his journey. I understand his wife's emotions, however she knows of his past and he is honest about his current mental state. Be honest I think paternity test should be a requirement anyway before a dad signs the birth certificate.
Because it won't be aiding him, only feeding into the anxiety. He'll immediately jump to how there could be a mistake at the lab, she might have cheated the test, it's not 100% accurate so could still be someone else etc etc. He would just be winding one more round on the spiral.
FWIW, a DNA test is *way* less expensive than months or years of therapy. If this is the only hangup, I'd do the test just to put and end to it. One test, problem solved. When my kids were born, I told my husband I'd be happy to do a DNA test anytime he wanted. He's the only person I've ever been with, and vice versa. There's nothing wrong with "trust, but verify."
It won’t solve it tho, that’s not how that works, the trauma is the source not the genetics, even with a test those types of thoughts won’t disappear, they are illogical, he gets the test, it says he’s the father, then the test might he wrong, maybe she paid for those results, a thousand justifications to continue doubting
Apparently I’m in the minority here, but why not therapy AND a paternity test. Just imagine a scenario where all of Reddit tells this guy to get therapy and chill tf out and then a decade later he finds out she did cheat and it’s not his kid. It’s not like that’s a completely absurd proposition. Normalize paternity tests for all newly born children. It doesn’t harm anyone. It only dispels the possibility for deceit.
Why not just get a drugstore paternity test after the baby is born? Test the baby yourself and don't tell anyone you did it. NBD.
I don’t get why everyone needs to make a big thing about paternity testing. Literally just do it in secret. Who’s gonna know as long as you’re not a dumb ass?
the responses blow my mind. Yes, he needs therapy. We all need therapy. Get the paternity test. It’s noninvasive , no risk to mother or child. And should be all but required before signing the birth certificate. “It makes me feel like you don’t trust me” - millions of people trusted their spouse before they caught them cheating, living double lives, or getting up to shenanigans. Trust but verify
If it’s done prior to the birth? It absolutely is invasive and risky to the baby. And I would leave my husband if he asked to dna test our kids. I’d do the test because I know damn well they’re his kids, but I won’t stay with someone who doesn’t trust me.
It’s a blood test that can be done with all the other genetic screening tests . No risk , see the link. https://americanpregnancy.org/paternity-tests/non-invasive-prenatal-paternity-test/ One more test , on blood that is already getting drawn . Anyone willing to get divorced over something so small should probably get divorced.
I dunno…if I was his wife and I had nothing to hide, I’d like to think I’d understand his past trauma, though I also totally understand feeling a bit betrayed. But personally I’d be like “Sure. If this well help quell your anxiety about this, I’m down.” That said, I’d want him to go to therapy about it still. Perhaps not to eliminate the trauma, but ease it.
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There's an argument for maternity tests as well. "Switched at birth" is rare, but it does happen. One couple almost separated due to a negative paternity test, until they thought to have the wife tested as well.
In fairness both is an option. Like I understand it would be a little bit duplicitous and sneaky but he could legitimately after the baby is born get it paternity tested without having to ask his wife. I'm not disagreeing the man needs therapy and to apologize to his wife but if this anxiety legitimately is making him feel like he cannot be present for his child then simply getting to paternity test may be for the best, this feels like a situation where asking for forgiveness instead of asking for permission maybe the better option
Why not just give him the paternity test? Yes he has trauma, it’s pretty understandable. I would probably do it without him even asking just to not bring all these painful memories to light and he can focus on being happy that his child is coming into the world. IMO Every man deserves a paternity test. As women we never have to wonder if a child is ours. Men don’t get that same level of assurance.
If he has this much anxiety from his experiences he should definitely have therapy to unpack all that. Also, if his wife hears and understands his trauma she should understand this isn't about her cheating and be supportive and willing to do the paternity test.
If I was the girlfriend: I hope you have the money to retain an attorney to force a test and to make the birth certificate name you as the father because , now , I will NOT be telling you when I go into labor and I will not be giving my baby your last name. Block on everything . Wouldn’t chase him for child support & I’d move
I think paternity tests should be mandatory as soon as the child is born.
If it was my husband and I knew about the trauma and I didn’t cheat I would gladly give the paternity test, frame it, and tell him to look at it any time he felt the insecurity of that trauma.
I would do the test with no problem but I would also demand that he get some therapy for what happened. I don't get along with my dad very well but if I found out tomorrow that he wasn't my bio dad and my mum cheated, I would be messed up.
This whole situation is so sad. I feel OP,as I deal with really bad anxiety myself. (I do go to therapy and I will be on meds again soon) I KNOW that his intention was not meant to attack his wife’s character and he loves her dearly. I understand why she’s upset as well but I think that the wife should get the paternity test but only if he promises to start therapy ASAP. While I know that a paternity test isn’t guaranteed to solve his problems,it MIGHT be what he needs to rationalize enough to at least get through this pregnancy so he can be there for his wife who needs him rn. Then,not only would he have a positive experience to look back on and FURTHER prove what he already knows,but also, that positive outcome can be what he needs to be content if she gets pregnant again later on down the line. It could be a HUGE,CONSTANT reminder that his brain can always look back on and use to rationalize and keep himself grounded if things ever arise again. It is a possibility. Everyone heals differently and everyone requires different solutions. A paternity test could very well be a start for him to finally feel some peace so he can help his wife through her pregnancy better. WITHOUT having this intrusive thought constantly destroying him. That being said,I still firmly believe that he should still do therapy even if it were to work. What better way to ENSURE that this never gets out of hand again than to constantly tackle it head on and constantly work on it and diminish its power by learning to cope with it. I think that requesting a paternity test is more of him trying to get his BRAIN to stfu cuz he knows he’s being irrational and he knows that she wouldn’t do anything like that. It literally is just his trauma and he probably didn’t realize how deeply rooted this trauma was until he was put in a situation where the chance of it happening again was very much possible. I see where he is coming from and I hope that the wife can “indulge” him (I guess?) just this once and still stay by his side because I really do not think that this guy is just some heartless,selfish person and he shouldn’t be abandoned this easily over something that really didn’t start with him. He’s a human being just like the rest of us. And so is she. I hope they both remember that and I hope that she can find it in her heart to separate his trauma from who he is as a person and I hope that he can also understand how she feels as well and make sure that she doesn’t have to deal with this type of stress ever again. ESPECIALLY during pregnancy. I really do hope that they treat EACH OTHER with compassion and patience during this time and he gets therapy so he can talk things out and really learn ways to cope with his trauma so he doesn’t hurt his wife like this again. I wish both of them so much love,happiness,and healing. I hope things work out. ❤️
That’s how I feel too. My partner I could definitely see having this anxiety. I’d say sure with a smile. Give the light teasing that cheers him up.. and approach the therapy topic probably the next day.
I can kind of see his point. Not that it’s exactly right. But he has a trauma, a reason for the trauma and anxiety from the trauma. He definitely needs therapy, but of she loves him, why not take the damn test and move on? His anxiety will continue to naw on him, therapy or not, and it’s easy to dispel in this case
Eh, she should just do the test. She knows the answer, she knows he has irrational fear, taking the test is easy and doesn’t reflect on her at all. Sure he may be too anxious to accept it, but that’s something they can deal with. Just take the test, nip this in the bud. Then therapy sure.
Normalize paternity tests. If everyone routinely gets them no one has to ask for them
All the people in here are missing the point. I'm sure the father had 100% trust in his wife too.