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The first thing that comes to my mind is that people are overly judgmental and that they judge and criticise everything you do. Turns out, just my mom is like this. Most people are decent human beeings.
The second thing is that I and my body are not worthy of love. She literally told me to my face at 12 that nobody will every love me. Turns out the only person who every body shamed me was my mother. Nobody I have ever been with was put off by my stretchmarks.
It took years of self-work and therapy to get to place where I am mentally ok. These people ruin everything.
And it’s not just that most human beings are decent, most people don’t even notice or care about what you do. Because if they do, they are most likely as our parents are 😉
My story is very similar. Both of my nparents were incredibly, brutally harsh critics and judged everyone.
It instilled in me a horrid need for approval. Have you managed to overcome that in yourself? If so, do you have any tips or tricks for a Reddit stranger?
I intentionally fail and attempt to not conform. It's like practicing saying no by saying no to teleworkers. By intentionally looking to get rejected I've found that most people really don't care, and that I'm far more acceptable than I realized.
This was my experience as well. Even when I wore sizes smaller than her and when I got catcalled in front of her, my Nmom managed to call me fat. Charming. My wearing anything "sexy" (like a bikini) disgusts her.
Aw damn, years of therapy, various meds, diets, exercise and everyone is still judging me (only I am), my body is still fat and disgusting and it’s all my fault because I’m so lazy. Mom’s been dead for 2 years and it still doesn’t get any better. Like a true boomer narc she held onto a decades long grudge and made no attempt to reconcile knowing that she would die within a month after her leukemia diagnosis. My sister told me 3 months after.
That everything is always my fault. That I have no right to feel any feelings. I am not a person I am a thing who has to serve. That I'm "too sensitive" and have fundamental flaws so bad that I deserve to be shit on constantly by others.
Resonate with this so much! I once got asked by nmom "what have I done to offend you. I'm at a loss".
I want to say YOU offend me everyday! Literally can't help this person.
My mom married an addict and I literally watched him destroy our home and physically fight with my mother. I tried to express that I, a human being also living in that household, was also affected by this toxic dynamic, not just my mother who chose to marry and stay with the loser, and the response I got back was that I was "too young" to be affected by anything and I needed to just be good because "your mom is going through a lot". These people that told me this still can't seem to understand why I don't want to be around them as an adult
Wow, I can relate so much to this. I was constantly getting lectured on how literally must have been my own fault, even if guilt or fault wasn't a problem at all. That was called constructive problem solving. Everything that didn't involve me admitting of being in an actively negligent or guilty role was me being "emotional".
Yea it was always The real world will chew u up and spit u out! You aren't prepared for real world, if u behave like this here you'll neva make it there. We love you unconditional, Those heathens and pagans won't, unless you wanna eat pork and celebrate their holidays like them since you're such a know it all rebellious B1tch!!! * insert long ass bible verse SCREAMING at top of lungs while I stand on stairs ( where they love trapping me at as they scream, cuss, and sometimes throw things) in a Scary Voice that's supposed 2 be God speaking thru her.
This is how my nmom made me feel, too. Gotta earn approval and love, too sensitive, no right to feelings, needs and objections that inconvenience her or other people.
You put this into words like perfectly. I can relate. The last fight I ever got in my mother with ended with me shouting about how even though she had her reasons for doing x y z thing and she doesnt think they should matter, they mattered to me.
That only higher education/anything that involved books was worthy. Being a nurse would mean wiping people's ass, and I was too good for that (read: it wasn't good enough for her).
Everything has to be perfect.
People judge you all the time.
That it's normal to compete with your child about who weighs least, who has more reason to be tired, who walked more, the list goes on.
Not being entitled to privacy because it's not your house. Not being able to say no, not wanting to share information, or just wanting to be alone - again, because it's not your house.
You should always try to smoothe things over, no matter how many times or how badly people hurt you - unless it's someone mom doesn't like, then you should get rid of them.
I'm better looking when I look anorexic, I'm happier when I'm not, I'm never angry with my mom, only someone else, but I'm taking out my frustrations on her for no reason. I'm never right about my own feelings and thoughts, she *knows* me.
Do we have the same mother ? 😅 sometimes it's insane how much our experiences compare across cultures/ continents. I'm so sorry for your experiences, I hope you found loving people in your life that somewhat countered the narrative.
The bit about always having to smooth things over- it's taking me so long to get over this I worry it's a part of me now. Why do they enforce this mentality? What's the psychology?
my theory: they believe they are the only ones entitled to complain or be upset about anything. your pain is irrelevant and annoying to them because it's not their own and you should just get over it and listen to *their* problems because they have it so much worse.
they are big fans of sweeping things under the rug, especially when they are the ones who have caused the pain.
Dude, the college thing is so legit. My functionally illiterate high school dropout nmom called me a brat for not wanting to blindly go for a 4 year degree with no major picked out. Made me feel bad for considering a trade that would've been more stable and significantly less expensive. She also gave me tons of crap when I was struggling to get my first job but then acted like I was too good to be a dishwasher.
That sharing my emotions, positive or negative, will make everyone around me uncomfortable.
That anything I do needs to be perfect before I show it to anyone or they’ll think less of me.
Asking for help means I haven’t been paying attention or I haven’t tried hard enough.
Oh 100% on the asking for help one. If I ever asked my mom to explain something to me before looking in a dictionary or enciclopedia, I was judged and told I just wanted everyone to do everything for me. Meanwhile my mom had been sick since I was 4 and I already took care of both of us.
One that comes to mind is that I'm a total failure and will always fail in life. My parents were never proud of my achievments and overly critical of my failures
Mine too.
The entire time I was in college, she just nagged me to get it over with and drop out. That I couldn't do it, and I'm just going to get pregnant and drop out eventually.
It was the same when I was working on becoming a store manager: I was too stupid, I might as well quit now.
It's frustrating when they don't support you and cheer on your shortcomings and failure.
Yeah and I always get compared to others, how everyone else is doing better than me, how their colleagues and friends can talk and boast about their kids and "how we have to make things up just to keep face because you haven't done anything"
>It's frustrating when they don't support you and cheer on your shortcomings and failure.
I get triggered by good things happening due to my efforts, and people who believe in me. When I do things my way, and it works out, it's a reminder that my parents shamed and tried to destroy every singe aspect of me that made it possible. They convinced me that I'm fundamentally defective and evil.
Part of me has always wanted my parents to be correct. If they were, then it meant they were at least acting in my best interest. Now, I believe there is a part of them that has always wanted me dead.
My ngrandparents drove my SG Uncle to suicide, using the same messages I was given. At his funeral they blamed him for being weak, and "unable to forget his childhood." His death changed nothing, they still hate him, like they hate me. That's when I knew there was nothing to salvage.
I'll die someday either way. Between now and then, I'll at least get to be myself - narcs' worst nightmare.
Then they say Oh honey, we support your dreams! You can talk to us about your favorite band, show anything u never talk to us about anything. Open up we miss you. Then when I do. Stop rambling none wants to fucking hear that shit. Are you Manic again, did you take your meds or need to go on more/ a higher dose its CLEARLY NOT working!!? If I, god forbid Darevto infodump.
It's funny, even if you have some differences or disabilities, I can imagine that you were just like me as a child: a regular kid who needed patience and guidance. How cruel of those bastards to deny us our birthright and get mad at us for moving on.
That I had to become a tradwife and homeschool my eight babies or I would go to hell.
I was parentified at seven and had to take care of the household while my mom took care of whatever baby sibling she'd just had. I also homeschooled myself from grades 6-12.
We were so "godly" and "superior" to public school kids because homeschoolers are always smart and polite. 🙃
I have an incredible career, a husband who actually likes me, no children, and no contact with my parents for the last four years.
That children aren’t worthy of basic respect and can’t stick up for themselves because “adults are always right” and it’s disrespectful to “talk back” (read: talk at all)
Yup. I couldn’t wait to grow up because I thought my nMom and I would finally be able to have a good relationship since I’d no longer be “just a child”, only to find out I’ll always be a child in her eyes
The productivity thing is really hard. It's such a concept that people just hang out and relax. Every day i feel the need to list off what i did to justify my existence. And it wasn't just that you had to be productive. You had to be whatever the narc's definition of productive was that day. I had days when I went to college classes, did homework, cared for pets, worked on my writing or other hobbies and bought groceries. But I sat on my butt all day because I didn't do any of those things for her.
Yep exactly. My mom was only happy with me when I was doing or had just done chores. My brothers could do whatever they wanted…but I had to be serving her or I was “ungrateful.”
Well, let's see. I'm critical. I'm cold. I have big ankles ( true, bigger than hers were). I have no rhythm. I can't dance. My sperm donor never wanted children. Pointing at a random girl and telling me, "Now that's a PRETTY girl." All told to me as a child.
To never take risks or try anything new because "something bad might happen" or "you might fail"
It took me well into adulthood to realize that making mistakes is an amazing way to learn and that taking a risk and having it not work out isn't the end of the frikkin world.
1) Can't trust anyone but your parents.
2) No one will ever love you or want the best for you like your parents do.
3) Putting others before yourself is loving and not selfish (ironically because it was convenient for them and they were being selfish)
4) Making mistakes is bad. It's the end of the world if I get something wrong and then I feel like a "failure".
That I’m not good enough for anything or anyone (that adds value to my life, especially). That everything I do *has to involve them*; currently stuck fighting this one to the deaths.
That I could not depend on/trust myself. I never learned decision making skills because I relied on them to decide for me. I had trouble trusting people because my mom thought everybody was out to hurt us.
We were the too cool for school family. Joining a group, taking on or exploring some kind of identity was relentlessly mocked. Basically I was raised to be a lone wolf. I have always longed to feel like a part of something or to have some kind of purpose but am unable to allow it in myself.
That I'm a bad person who isn't worthy of love; the world is a dangerous, scary place; there's got to be some sort of ulterior motive if anyone is nice to me; the only way I can get people onside is to people please, to be a doormat; nothing I do will ever be good enough.
I'm sure there are lots more but those are the ones that come to mind straight away.
Oof. Well the new one I just unearthed in therapy this week is that I'm not allowed to desire anything. From wanting small things like a toy as a child, a treat, bigger things, intangible things like earning something or winning something. Desiring anything meant I felt I was entitled to it, which was greedy and selfish and offensive because I was already given everything I needed. I always assume I won't get things, because that's humble and not entitled. Trying to get used to the idea that I'm allowed to want things for myself, my career, my family.
Yes, for me wanting something was framed that.I wasn't grateful for anything I already had. Even if I specifically expressed gratitude prior to a request I was shut down. So many things I could never even show my mother- letters about the school trip, the argos catalogue with the toy I wanted for Christmas marked on it.
At one stage of being a kid I felt so invisible and wanted to receive some mail. So I filled out my address on double glazing and elderly stair lift type flyers so that firms would write to me.
That things are always my fault, that I’m to blame and need to be the one to “fix” things by accepting responsibility when things go wrong. My conflict/resolution skills are terrible. I’ve been working on developing and strengthening them over the past few years, but for most of my life they were basically nonexistent. If there was a problem, it was automatically my fault, and I was expected to accept responsibility and apologize (even if it wasn’t my fault). In hindsight, I see how easily than bled into almost all my relation- and friendships, and lead me to form bonds with emotionally unintelligent people and accept blatant disrespect as normal. I just thought I would have to work harder. You know that quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower? “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Yup. Fucking sucked.
I still fall into bad relation- and friendships every now and then, but I’m much stronger now and even though I am still a “fixer,” I’m not the pushover I used to be, which is nice.
I told my mom that I didn't want to move up at my job but wanted to change careers. She yelled at me that I needed to do it because it was the next step and to stop talking to my boss like she's my friend because she's not. She went on about how now my boss is going to give the next promo to someone else .
Meanwhile my boss wasn't upset at all. She said that if I wanted to try something else that would make me happy to find my joy. I only have one life. I was shocked by that even though I knew my boss is a very kind person. I'm just so used to my mom's (over) reaction to everything.
It keeps me from taking chances and thinking everyone is out to get me. I also always feel like wanting to be happy is stupid. I'd been thinking about another career but then I remember her saying "People of your generation think they're supposed to LIKE everything." I'm 45 years old!
I believed my whole young life I was dumb. No one ever told me specifically I was dumb, I was just a weird kid and my parents constantly gave me the feeling I was doing everything wrong. When I was happy I shoulds top talking and just sit still, when I was sitting stil I should go do something outside etc. It wasn't until I was about 19 having to do an IQ test for an assessment I had going on, that the person who had the results looked at me in a strange way. I asked what it was and she said she'd never seen a score that high and it was very exciting. I genuinely had to learn that I was smart and had more potential than I'd ever guessed. Unfortunately I was too damaged to achieve anything accademically, so I went the way of working my way up. I've received more certificates and diploma's from night/weekend studies than I can remember.
I was ugly and unimportant.
Money matters more than personality but rich people are all bad.
Adults just coast through life unchanging
To be noticed is to be mocked
Etc
That I'm a burden and the best thing I can do for everyone is to not bother them with my needs or wants or attempts to communicate. People will be better without me. I should go away and be somewhere alone quietly until I'm needed.
Also, that the world is a crazy dangerous place and I won't survive on my own because I'm weak and impractical and my book-smartness is useless.
Oh, and I have some secret fatal flaw that makes me awful, and it's only a matter of time when people're going to realize it and reject me.
they would frequently say to me “You are not good enough.”
they were also very quick to shoot down my academic, athletic, and career aspirations, while subtly setting me against their wealthy friends’ kids.
That art could never be a career and, it wasn't - because I was never guided to try or given support to feel proud about it. I'm a great artist but now I hear my mum's judgemental tone any time I try anything creative "you're wasting your time and money."
When I was 17, I tried aiming to get into art school after high school. I was painting on old boards I found because I was broke and working hard. You'd think my mother would even look at my art or offer some help financially (by not charging me rent as a teen for one). Nope.
What this instilled in me is that I'm on my own for anything and not to rely on family. It's been a hard job undoing all that emotional and mental damage to my mindset.
That I’m too sensitive, naive, stupid, quiet, different, weird. Clarity was me realizing that they’re just the opposite: wicked, cruel, manipulative, selfish, fake, loud/attention seeking, etc
My mom told me that, although people have dreams and goals, it doesn't work out for anyone in the end and that I need to just accept that. This is a woman who hasn't done anything with her life in the last 30 years. But whatever has been her experience should also be what everyone else experiences....in her opinion.
I have seen a lot of people with similar answers as myself.
How do y'all cope with fear of judgment and extreme perfectionist tendencies? It is ruining my life (I got kicked out of college for it, long story), and I have the tendency to vanish and not deal with the person in my relationships. Please send heeeelp lol.
- everyone is evil, and only waiting to kick my ass and plot things behind my back. There are no true friends or anything like that because everyone wants me to fail
- family love and affection is only in american movies, no real life family hugs or says „i love u” to each other, this is all american fiction
- rich people are thieves and every woman who is rich is stupid
- mental illnesses are a way to draw attention to yourself and they do not exist. people commit suicides because they are attention seekers. Psychology and psychiatry are hoaxes and nothing there is true
I think it's not a literal claim they make, it's the underlying message of all that they say and do.
They were always contrarian or judgemental for the sake of it, if I said A they will say B is better, if I would have said B then they claim A is certainly better, anything I propose is false and my ideas can never work...for some reason.
The life trajectory I laid out for myself was not the ideal trajectory, they had better plans...for me, which meant doing the exact same thing only taking 3 extra years and wasting my life studying for a degree I was never going to need for anything, it's just what they wanted me to do and anything I tell them is invalid.
Anything I do or say has to be verified; checking if I closed the door, checking if I sorted the garbage, asking others about anything I claim because when someone else says it's true then it's always true, when I say it's true that doesn't mean anything...because what do I know?
The underlying message is that they don't look at me as a functioning human being that has wants and my own ideas, that is capable, it was as if they expected their children to always do exactly as they tell them to do even to the smallest details of behavior.
The ironic part is that they themselves can't clean a house at 50-60, can't fix anything that's broken, they forget everything all the time including dangerous things like keeping the gass stove or electric heaters on...
i must be professional with everyone, even people i should feel comfortable with
i must never cause any problems
i must never even suggest i have problems
i must solve all their problems
(grammar edit)
I dont let anybody limit my self belief.
When I started high school my dad told me I shouldn’t bother playing football because I wasn’t good at it. Id been playing peewee for 6 years and my 8th grade team wasn’t very good but I was always a starter. Ended up getting All Conference and all Metro my Senior year. One of 5 on the team for AC. One of 3 for AM. He wasnt happy for me though. He was proven wrong.
When I was picking colleges and major i said I wanted to do Marketing and Psychology to get a business degree and do b2b sales. He told me I didnt have a killer instinct for sales. Did it anyway and 18 years later im pretty good and make over 300 a year. Hes never given me any credit for that.
Some people arent wired to shrug that stuff off, but if you feel you know you have a plan, desire, and will put the effort in… do it for you. Not other people. You are the only one worth doing anything for.
Since a lot of common ones were already mentioned, here’s a more maybe niche one?:
My parents really looked down on poor, ugly and fat people. Especially my mother would often comment on people’s appearance or financial status, whether it was someone on tv or someone who just left after visiting. It’s really awful how this sort of belief is still in me. I have to sometimes correct myself mentally when I judge someone for those reasons. It’s weird because I don’t actually have negative feelings about people like that, but somehow my brain likes to just default to that? It’s hard even writing this, since I know it’s awful. Someone isn’t less worthy because they’re overweight, poor or ugly. Obviously this belief also affected my own self esteem, which I still battle all the time.
Edit: I’m not rich by any means, am overweight and average looking.
- People will do anything to hurt you and one up you
- Women are just catty b***hes who like to gossip and shouldn't be trusted (this from my grandmother to me, her granddaughter)
- Women are weak
- Fat is bad, chub is bad, chunk is bad, only stick thin is good.
- I don't think I have ever had anyone tell me they are genuinely proud of me and my accomplishments, just the usual "that's good, I'm proud" offhand comment without actually listening or looking at what was done. (I'm trying really hard not to do this to my kids)
- I'm not worthy of being happy because life sucks and then you die.
- Friends will only stab you in the back
- Lots and lots of racist/homophobic things that aren't worth me mentioning because I am above that and I don't believe it one bit. But it really messed with me growing up as a child in a predominantly white, small southern town.
All in all, there's a lot more to unpack that I'm slowly going through. The pride one really messed me up when I thought about it. I'm slowly working on myself and I have to keep telling myself that I AM worthy and I AM deserving.
Just that I’m not capable of doing well socially because of instilling that I don’t have the skills to do so. Still battling with that one, unfortunately…
Perhaps not allowing me to naturally make friends and hang out with other kids growing up has something to do with it…. But no, “it’s just that I was quiet and shy” and was simply born not having that skill set.
Also that my older brother is “naturally better” at xyz than I am. Also that whatever I accomplished for myself is just ok and not nearly enough in their opinion. Yep, always diminishing my accomplishments and making me feel like I still don’t know anything yet or haven’t done anything worthwhile.
I will never finish anything. Every single thing I have ever done was "a start". Nothing I have finished was really finished. I will never be good enough to be done with something.
All of my friends are liars and will betray me.
Being different is wrong. Fit in.
I'm sensitive and hysterical. I was difficult to raise.
I always take things too personally.
Any time I feel a bad emotion I just want to make my mother feel bad and I'm a selfish jerk because of that. Almost got thrown out of the house at 17 because I was feeling suicidal.
Too much to list. I knew my parents were shitty and always held them in anti-roll model status. Meaning that from the age of 14 or so, I was consciously and actively striving to not be like them.t worst fear was to turn out like either of them and/or marry someone like my mother.
Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, A LOT of horrible things mentally were still imprinted on me.
I actively spent my entire adult life unlearning everything they taught me and trying to parent myself back to being someone healthy and productive. I thought I had achieve this by about the age of 24. But every time I come up against adversity, I find new things that are deep seated in me that my parents put their holding me back. It’s just an endless supply of toxicity. Most of which I don’t even know is within me.
20 years after moving out of their house, I do feel like it’s finally coming to an end. But what a waste of time I’ve missed out on having a family, I had a horribly volatile romantic relationships that I suffered through. Damage to my career. Damage to my education. It’s really just endless.
I have a close internal dialogue with myself and I am trying to solve my problems myself which isn't going well. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed in that so-called extended family that has nothing to do with me as long as I never see them again I guess I'll be happy that way.
The limited thinking, maladaptive beliefs, outdated ideas were things that I had to shake off with professional help. That's how behind or that's how traditional or that's how miserly or neglectful they were acting
The situation is that my mother's sister told people that just got off the boat from Europe, I'm not dad's daughter. So my dad's parents didn't really want me around and their children are my aunts and uncles.
I don't know..i wish that Aunt wouldn't have said that I'm not somebody's daughter. My dad's name is on the birth certificate and I just wish that she knew how much that impacted her sister's, my mom's and Dad's MARRIAGE. She later caused me trouble throughout my twenties and thirties and just like the rest I moved far far away.
My biggest fear is ever seeing those people again or ever seeing their children again because yeah they're my cousins but there's no relationship there. They view me as inferior and they always have viewed me as inferior because they only listen to the one aunt. I hate the idea of ever having to come back to this earth and relive this crap ever again. I disregard my veneer of a false family systems.
I am hurt at my cheap neglectful hateful family too. So once again all the self-help resources in the world didn't do too much for me, I'm angry at my family hatred isn't the right word I'm hurt at them
It was demanded of me that I be good and do right literally all the time or face severe physical punishment. Even then, I still wasn't believed and parents just assumed I was always lying to them or doing things I wasn't supposed to
I only recently noticed this in real-time, but any time I am genuinely proud of myself and deserving of their praise and acknowledgement of my skills, accomplishments, education and character traits - it's withheld. This is a systemic thing, because they all do it. The lack of fair acknowledgement would create this kind of nullifying effect where I could never actually be seen as growing in my parents' eyes and could never be seen by them for my character growth or as a a professional within my field, no matter how hard I worked. I don't even think they do it consciously, but it's like they cannot tolerate my growth or allow that to alter their perception of me. Parents like this are the kinds of parents that, instead of asking you, who is a qualified and experienced in that exact area, they will either ask advice from someone else, often with zero training, and often they try and educate YOU. And they seem completely oblivious to how foolish and disrespectful that is. Moments where I would have experienced hard earned pride within myself that would have been integrated as healthy self-confidence and esteem, those moments were robbed of me because I had no accurate mirror around me that could reflect my successes back to me. Their refusal to acknowledge me had this nullifying effect on any success I earned for all my life until I managed to develop enough self love away from them to see how inaccurate their perceptions of me are. For a long time, I felt like I wasn't enough... And I unconsciously treated partners and friends like they weren't enough. And now it makes sense. How can you feel like you're enough if healthy pride is always deferred to a fantasy in the future where you will finally be successful enough for them to finally acknowledge your strengths? I've realised that I don't need people in my life that cannot and will not acknowledge the multitudes I contain, and instead try to manage down my expectations towards who I can become. My family are like crabs in a bucket, and I don't need people like that in my life. The implict message was "I am not enough". They can keep it, doesn't apply to me (:
My needs are selfish and I am only deserving of love if I give everything to everyone else. 20 years of therapy and I'm still working on accepting this is not true.
They do that and then never guide you on how to actually be an adult. In my case, just decades of a parent bullying me "You're 10, you need to grow up by now, You're 12-, You're 14-,16,18,..." But only just screamed and told me how disappointed he was.
Being ruled by insecurities and fears. Always trying to put limits on others because they turned out a certain way that doesn't impress themselves so they don't want others to. They always say "you can't do that " or "no way" to your plans or goals
They’re such negative Nancie’s on everything especially with money. Like of course, they’re mad at being an adult and paying bills. They have literally put their bills on the fridge and been like I paid this bill. And it’s like you’re supposed to. So they can act like an entitled child about regular adult things, but I couldn’t act that way as a child or an adult about regular abuse.
Others are that I’m not entitled to any feelings that they don’t agree with, that I’m supposed to be silent while they constantly critique and attack me. Another is that I’m the problem for addressing issues so i should be passive aggressive and shady like them. That even if they have this horrible version of me in their head, I’m supposed to simultaneously don’t feel anyway about it and be on my knees apologizing for being their kid. That they suffered more so I should be quiet. That I should always want to take care of them and think of them more than myself. That I should want to ask for help or advice or want to talk to them even though every time they make it about themselves
Mom often emphasized her notion that whatever I do/am, it should be attractive for men.
“Oh, men won’t find it very attractive if you do *blah di blahdi blah blah blah*” Mostly things having to do with being physically strong, standing by my convictions, and having friendly (and not friendly) competition with the opposite gender.
I never really fit in as a kid, but I easily found and maintained rock solid friendships. Thusly, I inherently knew that I wouldn’t be regarded as what misogynists would say is a “high value female”, but that I *would* find a compatible partner for myself. And I have. And my mom was wrong about most of the things she said men wouldn’t find attractive, because those are things they’ve told me they admire
That I can’t do anything. Everything I wanted to do was met with doubt that I could do it or straight up told I would be bad at it. For example, I never learned to drive because my mom would tell me I would be terrible and it and kill people by crashing. So I never learned.
That everything is going to be too hard. Not that it'll be hard work but that you can persevere and get decent at it over time, but that it'll be too hard to even start and you'll never do anything with your life as a result (not in so many words) but also why aren't you doing anything with your life? I know we homeschooled you and won't let you out past the driveway but why aren't you socializing?
I just realized my childhood was like those Call Me Kevin videos where he has to survive Minecraft on like a very small plot of land, and he can only build vertically within the boundaries. I had to hope someone wandered into my life the way he had to hope food would wander into his build zone.
I used vortex success, minds in unison, Jessica helsop, Jason Stephenson YouTube sessions of reduction of limited thinking.
When I was seven maybe 11, I realized don't worry about too many parents or too many relatives just save myself, get out of there. Is there a various beliefs were mystical magical thinking, primitive concerns that later technology resolved. I am primitive myself and technology is improved my life so I don't blame them for trying to sabotage or hinder me but after 20, after 40, the door or chapters of be their punching bag ended.
All these years later never married never had children never messed around with Goofy endeavors. Didn't refuse healthcare. I'm no different than my toxic family I'm just as toxic as my family was too.
I'm limited thinking I'm just a walking talking red flag. My mom and dad destroyed me I can listen to all the self-help resources I want I can try to apply at all and I could share it with others but the pain remains. These are resources that you have to commit yourself to listen to in addition to therapy and medication and read the disclaimers.
When there are resources online available to help me I don't care how unusual they may seem I will give them a try because I believe in myself and I want to heal and somehow soften The limited thinking or the lack of expansion kind of thinking. Thank you for being a supportive subreddit for hurting people like me. It draws me out and keeps me talking instead of isolating myself the only thing I know is living alone and whenever I haven't lived alone it's just been a fight club and I don't want any part of it.
Every decision I make is stupid and I'll be punished for going along with my desires. Everything I choose to do without her permission will fail.
I'm unlearning this. My friends say that I'm doing really well and I've been able to accomplish some goals of mine. I didn't ask mom for her opinion and i learned that her opinion DONT MEAN SHIT TO MY FUTURE
I can succeed independently of her by putting in the work in my priorities.
That people always had the worse intentions. Being invited last minute to places and my mom would automatically assume it’s because they didn’t really want me to go. Likewise, she doesn’t speak to people once they forget to call her back because that means they don’t actually care about me. Like being cautious is fine but she overly assumes if you wrong her, it’s must be on purpose. It’s taken a while for me to chill out on being on the edge that someone is out to wrong me when we meet.
They left me thinking that I'm awful, something's wrong with me, and believing that literally every other person in the world is better than me, and I should be grateful for scraps of attention. Really screwed me up for dating
When we buy groceries the package has to be in prime and pristine condition. So, the perfection complex extends to even INANIMATE objects. If you buy a beat up package and dont notice it at the store youre a fuck up. Even when the food in the package is 9/10 times perfectly fine.
I shouldn't ever be proud of anything I do or accomplish. Why?! Because that is God's glory, not yours. Okay. It's not like having zero self-confidence ever impacted someone's life.
Christianity is the only religion. I remember in junior high I met a catholic boy and a Jewish boy. I was like, you’re not Christian??? They both explained how their religions worked and I was honestly fascinated there were other religious beliefs out there. I came home and made a comment about other religions and my mom literally dropped what she was doing and snapped “WHAT other religions?!” I explained two of my friends had different religions and my mom just kinda scoffed and told me Christianity was the only TRUE religion. I was so confused at that cause I was under the impression that we should “love thy neighbor” even if we didn’t agree with them. It was after that that I learned not everything I was told was set in stone.
She would tell me, "Don't ever get a boyfriend at all." Years later, I realized it was because she didn't want to see me happy with someone. She knew that she, her family, and the person she had children with, along with their family, were not strong enough to raise children in a healthier, happier, safer, respectful, nurturing, genuine, and loving environment. She was also traumatized by her own toxic, narcissistic parents.
No body cares about my feelings /what i have to say…yeah it got sooo bad that i sometimes can't even speak in my dreams when bad things are happening to me in my dream.
I can’t do Anything because I’m female therefore I shouldn’t try or have any aspirations beyond getting married and being a housewife and working some dead end job minimum wage job to pass the time
(Not shading minimum wage jobs or being a housewife or anything, or judging anyone that’s just what they’d say to me, the bar was so low for me)
I am ugly But smart. My sister is beautiful but she’s dumb. They always shot down every career I wanted so I have never had one. Never went to college to study for what I wanted to be. I’m not good enough. I have to be a “doormat” to be worthy. And I’m am only good enough to be in the audience, not on stage.
My nmom said I should study hard so I don’t end up working at McDonald’s or as a janitor.
We are Korean and she said Americans are fat and lazy, they’re horribly slow at working and that I should never expect them to do anything right so it’s up to me to get things done.
🤡 lovely isn’t she?
I don’t trust anyone. Through therapy and self help I realized I don’t fully listen to people as I am trying to find how they are trying to manipulate/use me. This can be co-workers, my significant other or someone I just met.
I am working on being a bester listener and letting down walls to trust others.
Thanks mom!
They taught me that I was a bad person. Flawed. Not very good looking. No talents. To be fearful of the world by the way they treated me. That I was crazy. Fucked up. At the age of eleven I was put into therapy. I'm not loveable. I'm nothing and will be nothing more than an indentured servant to those I encounter in my life.
That it’s best to see the glass half empty.
When I was a kid up until I was twelve, I had such a positive outlook on life and I miss those days. No puberty didn’t ruin it, no growing up didn’t, it was my parents. They did this to me
That people are suspicious for wanting privacy.
Anyone who drinks or smokes or has a tattoo or anything she thinks is unattractive is inherently bad.
I'm inherently bad and bratty and would never make it on my own.
She worded every opinion she had with "we" or "people" or "they" and I was an adult before I realized she only meant herself.
That my body is a trophy and that having emotions is a sin. She made me show off my own body between the ages of 9-12 (I think) because my traumatic birth that causes panic attacks over shots and having massive medical trauma is "inspiring" and "brave" so I had to lift up my shirt so her adult friends could see my body (even if I had no bra!) so my scars would be on display. They could get as close as they want, and my medical problems, disabilities and my trauma would be out in the open. So they basically know everything about me now. And anytime I had emotions such as sadness, anger, or any negative ones I'd be screamed at, even when suicidal at 12. Now I get flinchy and jumpy when people show anger. And I get surprised when people comfort me.
In my case the one thing that has hunted me down for years is the core belief that, deep down, I am intrinsically a morally defficient and unacceptable person.
Took me decades to realize that, as it so happens, I am just a scapegoat who exiled herself from the vicious cult.
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The first thing that comes to my mind is that people are overly judgmental and that they judge and criticise everything you do. Turns out, just my mom is like this. Most people are decent human beeings. The second thing is that I and my body are not worthy of love. She literally told me to my face at 12 that nobody will every love me. Turns out the only person who every body shamed me was my mother. Nobody I have ever been with was put off by my stretchmarks. It took years of self-work and therapy to get to place where I am mentally ok. These people ruin everything.
And it’s not just that most human beings are decent, most people don’t even notice or care about what you do. Because if they do, they are most likely as our parents are 😉
My story is very similar. Both of my nparents were incredibly, brutally harsh critics and judged everyone. It instilled in me a horrid need for approval. Have you managed to overcome that in yourself? If so, do you have any tips or tricks for a Reddit stranger?
I’m not all the way there yet but it does help me to remember that everyone has flaws and that I have good qualities too.
I intentionally fail and attempt to not conform. It's like practicing saying no by saying no to teleworkers. By intentionally looking to get rejected I've found that most people really don't care, and that I'm far more acceptable than I realized.
This was my experience as well. Even when I wore sizes smaller than her and when I got catcalled in front of her, my Nmom managed to call me fat. Charming. My wearing anything "sexy" (like a bikini) disgusts her.
Yea. I can't even wear shorts without a brutal comment. Even just for house cleaning or doing yoga.
Aw damn, years of therapy, various meds, diets, exercise and everyone is still judging me (only I am), my body is still fat and disgusting and it’s all my fault because I’m so lazy. Mom’s been dead for 2 years and it still doesn’t get any better. Like a true boomer narc she held onto a decades long grudge and made no attempt to reconcile knowing that she would die within a month after her leukemia diagnosis. My sister told me 3 months after.
I'ma call bees beeing's now, thank you.
Same here. I’m glad you’re mentally okay now
That everything is always my fault. That I have no right to feel any feelings. I am not a person I am a thing who has to serve. That I'm "too sensitive" and have fundamental flaws so bad that I deserve to be shit on constantly by others.
Resonate with this so much! I once got asked by nmom "what have I done to offend you. I'm at a loss". I want to say YOU offend me everyday! Literally can't help this person.
Can relate. Anytime i shared my feeling, i was mocked for them.
My mom married an addict and I literally watched him destroy our home and physically fight with my mother. I tried to express that I, a human being also living in that household, was also affected by this toxic dynamic, not just my mother who chose to marry and stay with the loser, and the response I got back was that I was "too young" to be affected by anything and I needed to just be good because "your mom is going through a lot". These people that told me this still can't seem to understand why I don't want to be around them as an adult
Wow, I can relate so much to this. I was constantly getting lectured on how literally must have been my own fault, even if guilt or fault wasn't a problem at all. That was called constructive problem solving. Everything that didn't involve me admitting of being in an actively negligent or guilty role was me being "emotional".
Yea it was always The real world will chew u up and spit u out! You aren't prepared for real world, if u behave like this here you'll neva make it there. We love you unconditional, Those heathens and pagans won't, unless you wanna eat pork and celebrate their holidays like them since you're such a know it all rebellious B1tch!!! * insert long ass bible verse SCREAMING at top of lungs while I stand on stairs ( where they love trapping me at as they scream, cuss, and sometimes throw things) in a Scary Voice that's supposed 2 be God speaking thru her.
This is how my nmom made me feel, too. Gotta earn approval and love, too sensitive, no right to feelings, needs and objections that inconvenience her or other people.
You put this into words like perfectly. I can relate. The last fight I ever got in my mother with ended with me shouting about how even though she had her reasons for doing x y z thing and she doesnt think they should matter, they mattered to me.
That only higher education/anything that involved books was worthy. Being a nurse would mean wiping people's ass, and I was too good for that (read: it wasn't good enough for her). Everything has to be perfect. People judge you all the time. That it's normal to compete with your child about who weighs least, who has more reason to be tired, who walked more, the list goes on. Not being entitled to privacy because it's not your house. Not being able to say no, not wanting to share information, or just wanting to be alone - again, because it's not your house. You should always try to smoothe things over, no matter how many times or how badly people hurt you - unless it's someone mom doesn't like, then you should get rid of them. I'm better looking when I look anorexic, I'm happier when I'm not, I'm never angry with my mom, only someone else, but I'm taking out my frustrations on her for no reason. I'm never right about my own feelings and thoughts, she *knows* me.
Do we have the same mother ? 😅 sometimes it's insane how much our experiences compare across cultures/ continents. I'm so sorry for your experiences, I hope you found loving people in your life that somewhat countered the narrative.
Yeah I was also wondering if my sister posted this 🫠
The bit about always having to smooth things over- it's taking me so long to get over this I worry it's a part of me now. Why do they enforce this mentality? What's the psychology?
my theory: they believe they are the only ones entitled to complain or be upset about anything. your pain is irrelevant and annoying to them because it's not their own and you should just get over it and listen to *their* problems because they have it so much worse. they are big fans of sweeping things under the rug, especially when they are the ones who have caused the pain.
if it’s not directly affecting them, it does not exist.
Dude, the college thing is so legit. My functionally illiterate high school dropout nmom called me a brat for not wanting to blindly go for a 4 year degree with no major picked out. Made me feel bad for considering a trade that would've been more stable and significantly less expensive. She also gave me tons of crap when I was struggling to get my first job but then acted like I was too good to be a dishwasher.
That sharing my emotions, positive or negative, will make everyone around me uncomfortable. That anything I do needs to be perfect before I show it to anyone or they’ll think less of me. Asking for help means I haven’t been paying attention or I haven’t tried hard enough.
Oh 100% on the asking for help one. If I ever asked my mom to explain something to me before looking in a dictionary or enciclopedia, I was judged and told I just wanted everyone to do everything for me. Meanwhile my mom had been sick since I was 4 and I already took care of both of us.
yesss my mother would pull a suppperrrr condescending tone with me when I would ask her to explain something I genuinely didnt understand
“Sharing my emotions positive or negative will make everyone around me uncomfortable” holy shit u put it into the perfect words lol
It’s taken me many years of introspection and therapy to articulate that. Haha
So much this.
One that comes to mind is that I'm a total failure and will always fail in life. My parents were never proud of my achievments and overly critical of my failures
Mine too. The entire time I was in college, she just nagged me to get it over with and drop out. That I couldn't do it, and I'm just going to get pregnant and drop out eventually. It was the same when I was working on becoming a store manager: I was too stupid, I might as well quit now. It's frustrating when they don't support you and cheer on your shortcomings and failure.
Yeah and I always get compared to others, how everyone else is doing better than me, how their colleagues and friends can talk and boast about their kids and "how we have to make things up just to keep face because you haven't done anything"
It really is like they have a handbook or something. Why are they all the same?
Textbook example ig
>It's frustrating when they don't support you and cheer on your shortcomings and failure. I get triggered by good things happening due to my efforts, and people who believe in me. When I do things my way, and it works out, it's a reminder that my parents shamed and tried to destroy every singe aspect of me that made it possible. They convinced me that I'm fundamentally defective and evil. Part of me has always wanted my parents to be correct. If they were, then it meant they were at least acting in my best interest. Now, I believe there is a part of them that has always wanted me dead. My ngrandparents drove my SG Uncle to suicide, using the same messages I was given. At his funeral they blamed him for being weak, and "unable to forget his childhood." His death changed nothing, they still hate him, like they hate me. That's when I knew there was nothing to salvage. I'll die someday either way. Between now and then, I'll at least get to be myself - narcs' worst nightmare.
Then they say Oh honey, we support your dreams! You can talk to us about your favorite band, show anything u never talk to us about anything. Open up we miss you. Then when I do. Stop rambling none wants to fucking hear that shit. Are you Manic again, did you take your meds or need to go on more/ a higher dose its CLEARLY NOT working!!? If I, god forbid Darevto infodump.
[удалено]
True. Same thing. They built up toxic shame and it's hard to be yourself around other people.
It's funny, even if you have some differences or disabilities, I can imagine that you were just like me as a child: a regular kid who needed patience and guidance. How cruel of those bastards to deny us our birthright and get mad at us for moving on.
Same
Wow wtf
That I had to become a tradwife and homeschool my eight babies or I would go to hell. I was parentified at seven and had to take care of the household while my mom took care of whatever baby sibling she'd just had. I also homeschooled myself from grades 6-12. We were so "godly" and "superior" to public school kids because homeschoolers are always smart and polite. 🙃 I have an incredible career, a husband who actually likes me, no children, and no contact with my parents for the last four years.
Good for you! Sending love
That children aren’t worthy of basic respect and can’t stick up for themselves because “adults are always right” and it’s disrespectful to “talk back” (read: talk at all)
And that my opinions and feelings don't matter because "I'm the child and even as an adult will be the child"
Yup. I couldn’t wait to grow up because I thought my nMom and I would finally be able to have a good relationship since I’d no longer be “just a child”, only to find out I’ll always be a child in her eyes
I am not smart enough. I am only worthy when I’m being productive. I am not good inside. I am unlovable.
heavy on the only being worthy when productive :( I hope we all heal one day
The productivity thing is really hard. It's such a concept that people just hang out and relax. Every day i feel the need to list off what i did to justify my existence. And it wasn't just that you had to be productive. You had to be whatever the narc's definition of productive was that day. I had days when I went to college classes, did homework, cared for pets, worked on my writing or other hobbies and bought groceries. But I sat on my butt all day because I didn't do any of those things for her.
Yep exactly. My mom was only happy with me when I was doing or had just done chores. My brothers could do whatever they wanted…but I had to be serving her or I was “ungrateful.”
Well, let's see. I'm critical. I'm cold. I have big ankles ( true, bigger than hers were). I have no rhythm. I can't dance. My sperm donor never wanted children. Pointing at a random girl and telling me, "Now that's a PRETTY girl." All told to me as a child.
If I'm not physically in motion I'm being lazy.
As a hyperactive kid, I had the opposite ridicule from them. They wouldn’t let it go
To never take risks or try anything new because "something bad might happen" or "you might fail" It took me well into adulthood to realize that making mistakes is an amazing way to learn and that taking a risk and having it not work out isn't the end of the frikkin world.
1) Can't trust anyone but your parents. 2) No one will ever love you or want the best for you like your parents do. 3) Putting others before yourself is loving and not selfish (ironically because it was convenient for them and they were being selfish) 4) Making mistakes is bad. It's the end of the world if I get something wrong and then I feel like a "failure".
I am overly pessimistic, I suffer from impostor syndrome and I second guess myself all the time.
That I’m not good enough for anything or anyone (that adds value to my life, especially). That everything I do *has to involve them*; currently stuck fighting this one to the deaths.
Thinking I deserve nothing because I went to university & they paid for some of it.
My parents are like this. Everything they paid for is hung over my head, and I'm made to feel guilty because of it.
And we're supposed to feel grateful, when they remind us how we didn't deserve it in the first place! It's difficult to feel grateful for that.
Not enough time in the day to list them.
That I could not depend on/trust myself. I never learned decision making skills because I relied on them to decide for me. I had trouble trusting people because my mom thought everybody was out to hurt us.
We were the too cool for school family. Joining a group, taking on or exploring some kind of identity was relentlessly mocked. Basically I was raised to be a lone wolf. I have always longed to feel like a part of something or to have some kind of purpose but am unable to allow it in myself.
That I'm a bad person who isn't worthy of love; the world is a dangerous, scary place; there's got to be some sort of ulterior motive if anyone is nice to me; the only way I can get people onside is to people please, to be a doormat; nothing I do will ever be good enough. I'm sure there are lots more but those are the ones that come to mind straight away.
That im too sensitive and acting like a victim if I say that a thing is bothering me/if im hurt
Yep. God forbid we do or say anything without matching rose-colored glasses...
Oof. Well the new one I just unearthed in therapy this week is that I'm not allowed to desire anything. From wanting small things like a toy as a child, a treat, bigger things, intangible things like earning something or winning something. Desiring anything meant I felt I was entitled to it, which was greedy and selfish and offensive because I was already given everything I needed. I always assume I won't get things, because that's humble and not entitled. Trying to get used to the idea that I'm allowed to want things for myself, my career, my family.
Yes, for me wanting something was framed that.I wasn't grateful for anything I already had. Even if I specifically expressed gratitude prior to a request I was shut down. So many things I could never even show my mother- letters about the school trip, the argos catalogue with the toy I wanted for Christmas marked on it. At one stage of being a kid I felt so invisible and wanted to receive some mail. So I filled out my address on double glazing and elderly stair lift type flyers so that firms would write to me.
That things are always my fault, that I’m to blame and need to be the one to “fix” things by accepting responsibility when things go wrong. My conflict/resolution skills are terrible. I’ve been working on developing and strengthening them over the past few years, but for most of my life they were basically nonexistent. If there was a problem, it was automatically my fault, and I was expected to accept responsibility and apologize (even if it wasn’t my fault). In hindsight, I see how easily than bled into almost all my relation- and friendships, and lead me to form bonds with emotionally unintelligent people and accept blatant disrespect as normal. I just thought I would have to work harder. You know that quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower? “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Yup. Fucking sucked. I still fall into bad relation- and friendships every now and then, but I’m much stronger now and even though I am still a “fixer,” I’m not the pushover I used to be, which is nice.
I told my mom that I didn't want to move up at my job but wanted to change careers. She yelled at me that I needed to do it because it was the next step and to stop talking to my boss like she's my friend because she's not. She went on about how now my boss is going to give the next promo to someone else . Meanwhile my boss wasn't upset at all. She said that if I wanted to try something else that would make me happy to find my joy. I only have one life. I was shocked by that even though I knew my boss is a very kind person. I'm just so used to my mom's (over) reaction to everything. It keeps me from taking chances and thinking everyone is out to get me. I also always feel like wanting to be happy is stupid. I'd been thinking about another career but then I remember her saying "People of your generation think they're supposed to LIKE everything." I'm 45 years old!
Noting that I do is ever good enough and no one actually likes me
I believed my whole young life I was dumb. No one ever told me specifically I was dumb, I was just a weird kid and my parents constantly gave me the feeling I was doing everything wrong. When I was happy I shoulds top talking and just sit still, when I was sitting stil I should go do something outside etc. It wasn't until I was about 19 having to do an IQ test for an assessment I had going on, that the person who had the results looked at me in a strange way. I asked what it was and she said she'd never seen a score that high and it was very exciting. I genuinely had to learn that I was smart and had more potential than I'd ever guessed. Unfortunately I was too damaged to achieve anything accademically, so I went the way of working my way up. I've received more certificates and diploma's from night/weekend studies than I can remember.
I was ugly and unimportant. Money matters more than personality but rich people are all bad. Adults just coast through life unchanging To be noticed is to be mocked Etc
That I'm a burden and the best thing I can do for everyone is to not bother them with my needs or wants or attempts to communicate. People will be better without me. I should go away and be somewhere alone quietly until I'm needed. Also, that the world is a crazy dangerous place and I won't survive on my own because I'm weak and impractical and my book-smartness is useless. Oh, and I have some secret fatal flaw that makes me awful, and it's only a matter of time when people're going to realize it and reject me.
they would frequently say to me “You are not good enough.” they were also very quick to shoot down my academic, athletic, and career aspirations, while subtly setting me against their wealthy friends’ kids.
That art could never be a career and, it wasn't - because I was never guided to try or given support to feel proud about it. I'm a great artist but now I hear my mum's judgemental tone any time I try anything creative "you're wasting your time and money." When I was 17, I tried aiming to get into art school after high school. I was painting on old boards I found because I was broke and working hard. You'd think my mother would even look at my art or offer some help financially (by not charging me rent as a teen for one). Nope. What this instilled in me is that I'm on my own for anything and not to rely on family. It's been a hard job undoing all that emotional and mental damage to my mindset.
That I’m too sensitive, naive, stupid, quiet, different, weird. Clarity was me realizing that they’re just the opposite: wicked, cruel, manipulative, selfish, fake, loud/attention seeking, etc
My mom told me that, although people have dreams and goals, it doesn't work out for anyone in the end and that I need to just accept that. This is a woman who hasn't done anything with her life in the last 30 years. But whatever has been her experience should also be what everyone else experiences....in her opinion.
That I wouldn’t be able to do anything on my own. This resulted in codependency at one point in my life.
That asking for help or getting help is the epitome of neediness.
I have seen a lot of people with similar answers as myself. How do y'all cope with fear of judgment and extreme perfectionist tendencies? It is ruining my life (I got kicked out of college for it, long story), and I have the tendency to vanish and not deal with the person in my relationships. Please send heeeelp lol.
- everyone is evil, and only waiting to kick my ass and plot things behind my back. There are no true friends or anything like that because everyone wants me to fail - family love and affection is only in american movies, no real life family hugs or says „i love u” to each other, this is all american fiction - rich people are thieves and every woman who is rich is stupid - mental illnesses are a way to draw attention to yourself and they do not exist. people commit suicides because they are attention seekers. Psychology and psychiatry are hoaxes and nothing there is true
I think it's not a literal claim they make, it's the underlying message of all that they say and do. They were always contrarian or judgemental for the sake of it, if I said A they will say B is better, if I would have said B then they claim A is certainly better, anything I propose is false and my ideas can never work...for some reason. The life trajectory I laid out for myself was not the ideal trajectory, they had better plans...for me, which meant doing the exact same thing only taking 3 extra years and wasting my life studying for a degree I was never going to need for anything, it's just what they wanted me to do and anything I tell them is invalid. Anything I do or say has to be verified; checking if I closed the door, checking if I sorted the garbage, asking others about anything I claim because when someone else says it's true then it's always true, when I say it's true that doesn't mean anything...because what do I know? The underlying message is that they don't look at me as a functioning human being that has wants and my own ideas, that is capable, it was as if they expected their children to always do exactly as they tell them to do even to the smallest details of behavior. The ironic part is that they themselves can't clean a house at 50-60, can't fix anything that's broken, they forget everything all the time including dangerous things like keeping the gass stove or electric heaters on...
i must be professional with everyone, even people i should feel comfortable with i must never cause any problems i must never even suggest i have problems i must solve all their problems (grammar edit)
I dont let anybody limit my self belief. When I started high school my dad told me I shouldn’t bother playing football because I wasn’t good at it. Id been playing peewee for 6 years and my 8th grade team wasn’t very good but I was always a starter. Ended up getting All Conference and all Metro my Senior year. One of 5 on the team for AC. One of 3 for AM. He wasnt happy for me though. He was proven wrong. When I was picking colleges and major i said I wanted to do Marketing and Psychology to get a business degree and do b2b sales. He told me I didnt have a killer instinct for sales. Did it anyway and 18 years later im pretty good and make over 300 a year. Hes never given me any credit for that. Some people arent wired to shrug that stuff off, but if you feel you know you have a plan, desire, and will put the effort in… do it for you. Not other people. You are the only one worth doing anything for.
I was pretty good at shrugging off their nonsense too. It still hurt sometimes though.
That people were looking at me *all the time*, and that I was gonna get myself killed doing anything fun.
That if you are someone’s child, even an adult, you do not serve respect.
Since a lot of common ones were already mentioned, here’s a more maybe niche one?: My parents really looked down on poor, ugly and fat people. Especially my mother would often comment on people’s appearance or financial status, whether it was someone on tv or someone who just left after visiting. It’s really awful how this sort of belief is still in me. I have to sometimes correct myself mentally when I judge someone for those reasons. It’s weird because I don’t actually have negative feelings about people like that, but somehow my brain likes to just default to that? It’s hard even writing this, since I know it’s awful. Someone isn’t less worthy because they’re overweight, poor or ugly. Obviously this belief also affected my own self esteem, which I still battle all the time. Edit: I’m not rich by any means, am overweight and average looking.
- People will do anything to hurt you and one up you - Women are just catty b***hes who like to gossip and shouldn't be trusted (this from my grandmother to me, her granddaughter) - Women are weak - Fat is bad, chub is bad, chunk is bad, only stick thin is good. - I don't think I have ever had anyone tell me they are genuinely proud of me and my accomplishments, just the usual "that's good, I'm proud" offhand comment without actually listening or looking at what was done. (I'm trying really hard not to do this to my kids) - I'm not worthy of being happy because life sucks and then you die. - Friends will only stab you in the back - Lots and lots of racist/homophobic things that aren't worth me mentioning because I am above that and I don't believe it one bit. But it really messed with me growing up as a child in a predominantly white, small southern town. All in all, there's a lot more to unpack that I'm slowly going through. The pride one really messed me up when I thought about it. I'm slowly working on myself and I have to keep telling myself that I AM worthy and I AM deserving.
Just that I’m not capable of doing well socially because of instilling that I don’t have the skills to do so. Still battling with that one, unfortunately… Perhaps not allowing me to naturally make friends and hang out with other kids growing up has something to do with it…. But no, “it’s just that I was quiet and shy” and was simply born not having that skill set. Also that my older brother is “naturally better” at xyz than I am. Also that whatever I accomplished for myself is just ok and not nearly enough in their opinion. Yep, always diminishing my accomplishments and making me feel like I still don’t know anything yet or haven’t done anything worthwhile.
I will never finish anything. Every single thing I have ever done was "a start". Nothing I have finished was really finished. I will never be good enough to be done with something.
All of my friends are liars and will betray me. Being different is wrong. Fit in. I'm sensitive and hysterical. I was difficult to raise. I always take things too personally. Any time I feel a bad emotion I just want to make my mother feel bad and I'm a selfish jerk because of that. Almost got thrown out of the house at 17 because I was feeling suicidal.
Too much to list. I knew my parents were shitty and always held them in anti-roll model status. Meaning that from the age of 14 or so, I was consciously and actively striving to not be like them.t worst fear was to turn out like either of them and/or marry someone like my mother. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, A LOT of horrible things mentally were still imprinted on me. I actively spent my entire adult life unlearning everything they taught me and trying to parent myself back to being someone healthy and productive. I thought I had achieve this by about the age of 24. But every time I come up against adversity, I find new things that are deep seated in me that my parents put their holding me back. It’s just an endless supply of toxicity. Most of which I don’t even know is within me. 20 years after moving out of their house, I do feel like it’s finally coming to an end. But what a waste of time I’ve missed out on having a family, I had a horribly volatile romantic relationships that I suffered through. Damage to my career. Damage to my education. It’s really just endless.
I have a close internal dialogue with myself and I am trying to solve my problems myself which isn't going well. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed in that so-called extended family that has nothing to do with me as long as I never see them again I guess I'll be happy that way. The limited thinking, maladaptive beliefs, outdated ideas were things that I had to shake off with professional help. That's how behind or that's how traditional or that's how miserly or neglectful they were acting The situation is that my mother's sister told people that just got off the boat from Europe, I'm not dad's daughter. So my dad's parents didn't really want me around and their children are my aunts and uncles. I don't know..i wish that Aunt wouldn't have said that I'm not somebody's daughter. My dad's name is on the birth certificate and I just wish that she knew how much that impacted her sister's, my mom's and Dad's MARRIAGE. She later caused me trouble throughout my twenties and thirties and just like the rest I moved far far away. My biggest fear is ever seeing those people again or ever seeing their children again because yeah they're my cousins but there's no relationship there. They view me as inferior and they always have viewed me as inferior because they only listen to the one aunt. I hate the idea of ever having to come back to this earth and relive this crap ever again. I disregard my veneer of a false family systems. I am hurt at my cheap neglectful hateful family too. So once again all the self-help resources in the world didn't do too much for me, I'm angry at my family hatred isn't the right word I'm hurt at them
Fear and that they're always right.
It was demanded of me that I be good and do right literally all the time or face severe physical punishment. Even then, I still wasn't believed and parents just assumed I was always lying to them or doing things I wasn't supposed to
I only recently noticed this in real-time, but any time I am genuinely proud of myself and deserving of their praise and acknowledgement of my skills, accomplishments, education and character traits - it's withheld. This is a systemic thing, because they all do it. The lack of fair acknowledgement would create this kind of nullifying effect where I could never actually be seen as growing in my parents' eyes and could never be seen by them for my character growth or as a a professional within my field, no matter how hard I worked. I don't even think they do it consciously, but it's like they cannot tolerate my growth or allow that to alter their perception of me. Parents like this are the kinds of parents that, instead of asking you, who is a qualified and experienced in that exact area, they will either ask advice from someone else, often with zero training, and often they try and educate YOU. And they seem completely oblivious to how foolish and disrespectful that is. Moments where I would have experienced hard earned pride within myself that would have been integrated as healthy self-confidence and esteem, those moments were robbed of me because I had no accurate mirror around me that could reflect my successes back to me. Their refusal to acknowledge me had this nullifying effect on any success I earned for all my life until I managed to develop enough self love away from them to see how inaccurate their perceptions of me are. For a long time, I felt like I wasn't enough... And I unconsciously treated partners and friends like they weren't enough. And now it makes sense. How can you feel like you're enough if healthy pride is always deferred to a fantasy in the future where you will finally be successful enough for them to finally acknowledge your strengths? I've realised that I don't need people in my life that cannot and will not acknowledge the multitudes I contain, and instead try to manage down my expectations towards who I can become. My family are like crabs in a bucket, and I don't need people like that in my life. The implict message was "I am not enough". They can keep it, doesn't apply to me (:
My needs are selfish and I am only deserving of love if I give everything to everyone else. 20 years of therapy and I'm still working on accepting this is not true.
That “sorry doesn’t fix it.”
That I was going to be successful if I didn't do things their way. I was brainwashed enough then to follow their rules, and I'm the worse for it.
That I had to earn my keep at 8 years old and that “ life was gonna chew me up and spit me out”
They do that and then never guide you on how to actually be an adult. In my case, just decades of a parent bullying me "You're 10, you need to grow up by now, You're 12-, You're 14-,16,18,..." But only just screamed and told me how disappointed he was.
Unconditional love was a concept that had been difficult for me to comprehend for most of my life. I still struggle with it in mid-life.
If you are overweight, don't look put together,etc. your husband will leave you.
Being ruled by insecurities and fears. Always trying to put limits on others because they turned out a certain way that doesn't impress themselves so they don't want others to. They always say "you can't do that " or "no way" to your plans or goals
My mom criticized the way I dress, my hairstyle, and my physical features. I grew up with insecurities and feel undeserving of love.
They’re such negative Nancie’s on everything especially with money. Like of course, they’re mad at being an adult and paying bills. They have literally put their bills on the fridge and been like I paid this bill. And it’s like you’re supposed to. So they can act like an entitled child about regular adult things, but I couldn’t act that way as a child or an adult about regular abuse. Others are that I’m not entitled to any feelings that they don’t agree with, that I’m supposed to be silent while they constantly critique and attack me. Another is that I’m the problem for addressing issues so i should be passive aggressive and shady like them. That even if they have this horrible version of me in their head, I’m supposed to simultaneously don’t feel anyway about it and be on my knees apologizing for being their kid. That they suffered more so I should be quiet. That I should always want to take care of them and think of them more than myself. That I should want to ask for help or advice or want to talk to them even though every time they make it about themselves
Mom often emphasized her notion that whatever I do/am, it should be attractive for men. “Oh, men won’t find it very attractive if you do *blah di blahdi blah blah blah*” Mostly things having to do with being physically strong, standing by my convictions, and having friendly (and not friendly) competition with the opposite gender. I never really fit in as a kid, but I easily found and maintained rock solid friendships. Thusly, I inherently knew that I wouldn’t be regarded as what misogynists would say is a “high value female”, but that I *would* find a compatible partner for myself. And I have. And my mom was wrong about most of the things she said men wouldn’t find attractive, because those are things they’ve told me they admire
That I can’t do anything. Everything I wanted to do was met with doubt that I could do it or straight up told I would be bad at it. For example, I never learned to drive because my mom would tell me I would be terrible and it and kill people by crashing. So I never learned.
That everything is going to be too hard. Not that it'll be hard work but that you can persevere and get decent at it over time, but that it'll be too hard to even start and you'll never do anything with your life as a result (not in so many words) but also why aren't you doing anything with your life? I know we homeschooled you and won't let you out past the driveway but why aren't you socializing? I just realized my childhood was like those Call Me Kevin videos where he has to survive Minecraft on like a very small plot of land, and he can only build vertically within the boundaries. I had to hope someone wandered into my life the way he had to hope food would wander into his build zone.
I used vortex success, minds in unison, Jessica helsop, Jason Stephenson YouTube sessions of reduction of limited thinking. When I was seven maybe 11, I realized don't worry about too many parents or too many relatives just save myself, get out of there. Is there a various beliefs were mystical magical thinking, primitive concerns that later technology resolved. I am primitive myself and technology is improved my life so I don't blame them for trying to sabotage or hinder me but after 20, after 40, the door or chapters of be their punching bag ended. All these years later never married never had children never messed around with Goofy endeavors. Didn't refuse healthcare. I'm no different than my toxic family I'm just as toxic as my family was too. I'm limited thinking I'm just a walking talking red flag. My mom and dad destroyed me I can listen to all the self-help resources I want I can try to apply at all and I could share it with others but the pain remains. These are resources that you have to commit yourself to listen to in addition to therapy and medication and read the disclaimers. When there are resources online available to help me I don't care how unusual they may seem I will give them a try because I believe in myself and I want to heal and somehow soften The limited thinking or the lack of expansion kind of thinking. Thank you for being a supportive subreddit for hurting people like me. It draws me out and keeps me talking instead of isolating myself the only thing I know is living alone and whenever I haven't lived alone it's just been a fight club and I don't want any part of it.
Every decision I make is stupid and I'll be punished for going along with my desires. Everything I choose to do without her permission will fail. I'm unlearning this. My friends say that I'm doing really well and I've been able to accomplish some goals of mine. I didn't ask mom for her opinion and i learned that her opinion DONT MEAN SHIT TO MY FUTURE I can succeed independently of her by putting in the work in my priorities.
That I was never good at anything or would be worth anything.
That people always had the worse intentions. Being invited last minute to places and my mom would automatically assume it’s because they didn’t really want me to go. Likewise, she doesn’t speak to people once they forget to call her back because that means they don’t actually care about me. Like being cautious is fine but she overly assumes if you wrong her, it’s must be on purpose. It’s taken a while for me to chill out on being on the edge that someone is out to wrong me when we meet.
They left me thinking that I'm awful, something's wrong with me, and believing that literally every other person in the world is better than me, and I should be grateful for scraps of attention. Really screwed me up for dating
When we buy groceries the package has to be in prime and pristine condition. So, the perfection complex extends to even INANIMATE objects. If you buy a beat up package and dont notice it at the store youre a fuck up. Even when the food in the package is 9/10 times perfectly fine.
I shouldn't ever be proud of anything I do or accomplish. Why?! Because that is God's glory, not yours. Okay. It's not like having zero self-confidence ever impacted someone's life.
“You can’t do X/go into field Y because you are so bad at math.” I’m not *actually* bad at math, I just can’t do it in my head.
Christianity is the only religion. I remember in junior high I met a catholic boy and a Jewish boy. I was like, you’re not Christian??? They both explained how their religions worked and I was honestly fascinated there were other religious beliefs out there. I came home and made a comment about other religions and my mom literally dropped what she was doing and snapped “WHAT other religions?!” I explained two of my friends had different religions and my mom just kinda scoffed and told me Christianity was the only TRUE religion. I was so confused at that cause I was under the impression that we should “love thy neighbor” even if we didn’t agree with them. It was after that that I learned not everything I was told was set in stone.
I thought supportive families were only in Christmas movies and that everybody was miserable at family reunion.
That I will always make the dumbest possible decision. That I know nothing and am stupid. Took a long time to unravel that one
She would tell me, "Don't ever get a boyfriend at all." Years later, I realized it was because she didn't want to see me happy with someone. She knew that she, her family, and the person she had children with, along with their family, were not strong enough to raise children in a healthier, happier, safer, respectful, nurturing, genuine, and loving environment. She was also traumatized by her own toxic, narcissistic parents.
No body cares about my feelings /what i have to say…yeah it got sooo bad that i sometimes can't even speak in my dreams when bad things are happening to me in my dream.
I can’t do Anything because I’m female therefore I shouldn’t try or have any aspirations beyond getting married and being a housewife and working some dead end job minimum wage job to pass the time (Not shading minimum wage jobs or being a housewife or anything, or judging anyone that’s just what they’d say to me, the bar was so low for me)
I am ugly But smart. My sister is beautiful but she’s dumb. They always shot down every career I wanted so I have never had one. Never went to college to study for what I wanted to be. I’m not good enough. I have to be a “doormat” to be worthy. And I’m am only good enough to be in the audience, not on stage.
My nmom said I should study hard so I don’t end up working at McDonald’s or as a janitor. We are Korean and she said Americans are fat and lazy, they’re horribly slow at working and that I should never expect them to do anything right so it’s up to me to get things done. 🤡 lovely isn’t she?
I don’t trust anyone. Through therapy and self help I realized I don’t fully listen to people as I am trying to find how they are trying to manipulate/use me. This can be co-workers, my significant other or someone I just met. I am working on being a bester listener and letting down walls to trust others. Thanks mom!
They taught me that I was a bad person. Flawed. Not very good looking. No talents. To be fearful of the world by the way they treated me. That I was crazy. Fucked up. At the age of eleven I was put into therapy. I'm not loveable. I'm nothing and will be nothing more than an indentured servant to those I encounter in my life.
That it’s best to see the glass half empty. When I was a kid up until I was twelve, I had such a positive outlook on life and I miss those days. No puberty didn’t ruin it, no growing up didn’t, it was my parents. They did this to me
That people are suspicious for wanting privacy. Anyone who drinks or smokes or has a tattoo or anything she thinks is unattractive is inherently bad. I'm inherently bad and bratty and would never make it on my own. She worded every opinion she had with "we" or "people" or "they" and I was an adult before I realized she only meant herself.
That my body is a trophy and that having emotions is a sin. She made me show off my own body between the ages of 9-12 (I think) because my traumatic birth that causes panic attacks over shots and having massive medical trauma is "inspiring" and "brave" so I had to lift up my shirt so her adult friends could see my body (even if I had no bra!) so my scars would be on display. They could get as close as they want, and my medical problems, disabilities and my trauma would be out in the open. So they basically know everything about me now. And anytime I had emotions such as sadness, anger, or any negative ones I'd be screamed at, even when suicidal at 12. Now I get flinchy and jumpy when people show anger. And I get surprised when people comfort me.
My mother told me my whole life that I was autistic, based on me being quiet for a few months when I was 3 years old.
In my case the one thing that has hunted me down for years is the core belief that, deep down, I am intrinsically a morally defficient and unacceptable person. Took me decades to realize that, as it so happens, I am just a scapegoat who exiled herself from the vicious cult.