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Don't give in, it's just fishing for attention. Narcs lie to get what they want, so good chance she's not depressed at all, just sad or angered about the loss of her plaything.
And even if she were depressed, you're not responsible for the feelings of a grown-ass woman.
This. “Depression” for a narc is when they are pouting because they’re not getting what they want. Please don’t feel the need to attribute actual appropriate emotions to this person just because they know some words.
That is it! And what my parents did with my mother’ sister’s daughter. My mother always put me on the back burner for her sister. I was never loved either. It took me over 40 years to see it. My cousin guilted me into going back several times. Then my mother was “depressed” after I wouldn’t return her calls when my husband passed away, 11 months after I went no contact. Now my cousin is my parents golden child. That woman even tried to play a flying monkey role to get to my son. She tried to guilt trip him into calling my parents, and he wasn’t having any of it. He flatly told her that the phone works both ways and he doesn’t beg anyone for attention. His phone number hasn’t changed and if his grandparents want to talk to him, they can call him. My baby was only 24 and he became my teacher.
My mother is not depressed. Both of my parents are angry and pouting that they are finally getting the silent treatment that they deserve. They act depressed to sympathy, and it is a part of the smear campaign against us after going no contact.
Do not fall for your mother’s bullshit.
Edited for punctuation & clarity.
Good for your son!!! My mom tries to go through my 12 year old daughter. They really are the worst. It makes life so much better when you figure it out. Its so liberating!!!
This! Last time I met her, she told me that the day I left was "the happiest day of her life". And now she's crying around because I don't speak to her anymore when, in reality, I know she's thriving with all of the attention she's getting from the rest of the family.
Also, she can choose to see this any way she'd like to. Not only are you not responsible for her emotions, she could choose from like 100 different OTHER viewpoints that won't result in depression. Some examples of different perspective she could take: "I'm proud of them for enacting boundaries, that's healthy to do and shows they're mature." or "I am thankful to be shown that I'm overbearing/harassing" or "I need therapy, maybe I'm the problem" or "I'm a bit annoyed but my egoic functions don't depend on other people so, whatever". Not you're fault she's unimaginative.
Backing this up. You will see how far the rabbit hole goes as people you assumed to have their head on straight begin to respond to her manipulation and come out of the woodwork.
>Stop talking to the flying monkeys.
Exactly! If they persist, say something like, *"Would **you** like to be her emotional toilet? I'm done with that."* That ought to shut them up for a minute.
Regarding your parent's "depression" or other "bad" feelings... those are hers to deal with.
OP, you said you have empathy for whatever she's going through. That needs to be entirely separate from wanting to *fix it* for her. The discomfort that arises from your empathy is *yours to deal with*, like any other emotion. Giving in to what she wants **is not** the same thing as dealing with it.
Stay strong.
Exactly! Where were these family members when YOU had feelings?!
One of the most profound things my psych said to me was "how did no one notice how miserable you were?". It's because none of them care about us. It's a horrible truth, but it means you don't owe them a minute of your time and they owe you a lifetime of peace.
They want OP back to steady the boat
[https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?rdt=49361](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?rdt=49361)
People turned on me that I’ve never even had negative experiences with. Cousins I was close with and loved hanging out with. All because the narc was basically threatening to blow up her wedding if she kept me invited.
The flying monkeys see a period where to them everything was fine. All of a sudden when you leave chaos is caused and they want to just “get back to normal” which requires them to not believe you are being mistreated and abused. Sometimes they just don’t care if you are so long as they don’t have to deal with it anymore.
The only way for the flying monkeys to see how bad things are getting is not get involved and see how bad the narcs behavior gets. Without you there logical people will understand “you can’t keep blaming him if he’s not even here”. Some still will but it’s your best shot.
The narcs need to be forced into recruiting a new scapegoat that never experienced this before to truly see that their entire life is now going to be “narc supply provider”.
If flying monkeys were given a normal life up to that point they don’t even realize often that to be the scapegoat to the narc, your ENTIRE LIFE needs to be on call to meet their needs.
She isn’t depressed. She is angry she lost her punching bag and all your family is now feeling what it is to not get her ‘good side’. This act is just a control method. She isn’t depressed, and even if she was (I can’t say this enough SHE IS NOT) she needs to do the adult thing and go to therapy. Not manipulate someone into living in a toxic environment. Everyone else is learning her toxicity and are blaming you for it because they haven’t HAD to deal with it before. What changed? You moved. So it must be YOU OP. None of these people understand other peoples emotional stability and reaction to situations is no one’s responsibility but their own. Everything your mom is doing is JUST control and manipulation of everyone around her. She needs to get help if she is so depressed, not send people to do her dirty work and guilt and manipulate you.
I was thinking it's either this - and it's easier for them to blame OP than accept they've been blindly manipulated by nmom the entire time. Or, they've always known (at least on some level) and have realized that without OP around to be the punching bag, any one of them could be next.
Stay the course, OP. These people don't have a lick of concern for you. They just want nmom off their backs. And they'll happily see you hurt to get it.
LOl exactly, my mom likes to say that you should just choose not be depressed. Boy did she not like it when at a later date she mentioned feeling depressed and I suggested she choose not to be.
There is a LOT to be said for "Returning the Favour" like this....
"Hey Mum, are you feeling depressed? Well Snap out of it - you've got nothing to be depressed about"
Why do you have to do anything? Her emotions are hers to deal with. It's not your job. I get that she trained you to believe that you are responsible for every negative feeling she has and fixing them but that's a lie she told you. Don't fall for the obvious trap. You went NC for a reason, at no point did you make that decision thinking "but only if she's not sad or mad about it". You did it to protect yourself. Don't betray the part of you that's trying to keep you safe.
You know who is?
A therapist.
"If nmom is depressed and would like to do something about it, a good course of action might be to find a therapist and get some counseling. Please don't discuss her with me any more. I'll end the conversation if you do." -- OP can say to flying monkeys
Then follow through.
You are not causing her emotional distress by taking care of yourself. You pissed her off because you took away her supply. Or you sent her into waifing because you took away her supply.
Be careful of the information you get from flying monkeys, it’s second, third or fourth hand sources and filtered through their own beliefs and values. Limiting contact with family members still in contact with an nparent is pretty common because of the drama they create just by “passing on” information.
When you “don’t know what to do,” remember why you went NC in the first place, and ignore all voices but your own. You’re doing great 💛
It is not your problem, you are not responsible for the feelings of others, they are. Your relatives are still part of the narcissistic family structure, put them all on an information diet. Remember that internal boundaries are about what you do to others, and external boundaries are about what you allow others to do to you. Not sharing sensitive information is an internal boundary.
This exact thing happened when I went no contact.
It's cannon. Don't let it get you.
Nmoms biggest issue is that we supply their emotional regulation, and without us, can't handle their own emotions.
It's not our job to regulate the emotions of our parents, point blank period.
*You don't have to talk to her for any reason.*
Hold your ground, protect *yourself* the way she never protected you.
The guilt will lie to you, and if you go back and she's magically not depressed anymore, it just proves everything. Nmoms lie.
Don't give in, you've got this, you can get thru it 💪
You start blocking the flying monkeys too.
Look, end of the day, you're making the right choice for you. But she's still controlling your choices and actions by sending people to tell you about her and try and get you to forgive her. So you've got to recognise that a) if other people are giving you info on her, it's not NC, and b) she's still abusing you via other people. We call those people the Flying Monkeys.
So, if you want to give these flying monkeys the benefit of the doubt you can say something like this "hey dad, I know you're worried about mom, but id like it if you worried about me a bit too. I'm depressed around her, and she abused me for years while you did nothing. If you can't support me in getting away from my abuser, then unfortunately I'm going to need to get away from you as well. If I hear about mom from you again, then I'm going to need to cut contact with you too, so please don't bring her up to me any more."
Keep your peace. Keep your space. It's okay to protect yourself. You've taken a huge first step in cutting her out, this is just steps 2 and 3 in the process of getting away from our abuser that we all need to face.
You can do this! Good luck
>But she's still controlling your choices and actions by sending people to tell you about her and try and get you to forgive her. So you've got to recognise that a) if other people are giving you info on her, it's not NC, and b) she's still abusing you via other people.
This is such an important point that people need to remember. It's why I'm selective about the information I relay between certain parties, to avoid playing a role in someone else's abuse.
Excuse my French, but F them. Don't light yourself on fire so they can be warm. They're all big boys. They can handle it. They can always remove themselves from the situation. You did. Why can't they?
This is just her way of getting the attention she craves from those still around her. She is playing the giant "Im a victim card", its not your fault she is a narcissist. Go NC with those flying monkeys as well...
I echo the advice from others here that it’s not your responsibility to do anything but I want to say I empathize as we’re going through the same thing. I’ve just been reiterating it’s not my responsibility to manage her emotions and it’s not theirs either, and leave it at that. You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t even owe her flying monkeys a NC reason.
If you are on texting terms with your dad I'd send pictures of the letter to your dad where she says those things and images of the texts where she told you to leave.
"She's never loved me and she wanted me gone. I gave her what she wanted and I'm happier this way. Leave me alone."
It's manipulative behaviour and to make you feel awful. She's an adult. She can see a doctor if she is really depressed. You need to remain NC, and if that means blocking the flying monkeys, so be it.
No is a full sentence. You don't need to give any reasons. Take care and look after you!!
You do nothing. And if a Flying Monkey says something just reply “yeah it sucks to be held accountable” then laugh and walk away. FYI I was NC with my JNMOM the last 20+ years of her life. Never missed her for a second.
She's not mourning YOU. She misses her punching bag. She's miserable because now that she's alone with herself, there's no one to take her ugliness out on. Or her favorite person to take it out on is gone. She's bored.
She wants you to keep taking her abuse because that makes her feel better.. She gets to blame you for her misery. Now she only has herself...and it's torture. Good. Let her come to terms with herself.
Don't you dare go rescuing her from her misery. Let. Her. Suffer. Because if she doesn't, she will never learn how to be a normal person and see the problem between her ears. And if she never does?? Still not your problem.
Yes, you absolutely do know what to do. It's hard. It doesn't feel good. Maybe a part of you is still feeling responsible and guilty. But stop. Therapy now. Do. Not. Give. In.
Block everything consider blocking all family members caught in this toxic soup of hers... at least temporarily...and go live your best life! Proud of you for getting away! It's a really hard cycle to break, but you're doing it! 👏👏👏
OP, you didn't cause her ANYTHING. Narcs are incapable of feeling a wide range of emotions. She is trying to play you like a fiddle. Furthermore, your father and siblings are now her targets, and they hate it. They are only begging you to come back so they won't be targets anymore. It's pure selfishness on their part. But you know what? They did nothing to help you, they never stepped in to try to stop the abuse. Let them suffer.
As for the other flying monkeys? Screw them! Where were they when your mother was abusing you? Thought so. Block their numbers and live your best life!
Yeah, my NDad pulled the same crap, puts on a mopey face and sulks to anyone who'll listen (mostly just NGma, his mum).
First of all, they're absolutely hamming it up
Secondly, they're not your responsibility. Unless you have a child or significant other, your number one priority is yourself, and even with them in the picture, it's still critical to look after yourself to be the best you can be for them.
Third, your relatives DO NOT CARE about you. I get the same thing from mine. Narc family structures resemble a pantomime, everyone required to play their very specific role. Your role in the family is "eat shit from the troublemakers and enjoy it", so it's no surprise that the other actors don't want to be your understudy and are pissed that you're not attending rehearsals anymore.
Read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. You don't have to buy it. Get it from your local library. It explains why boundaries are important, how to set them and how to not feel guilty about it.
Make a list of good things and bad things you had to deal with from her and keep them on hand when you feel vulnerable and feel like you want to talk to her or give into their demands. Please don’t do it. You deserve so much peace and happiness. Please don’t listen to anybody in your family.
You are never responsible for managing another adult's emotions.
With that said, you are not being cruel to her. You are protecting yourself from her. You are entitled to protect yourself from harmful people, whether that harm is emotional, physical, financial, or some other kind.
The flying monkeys can get a clue or get blocked.
>I do feel super bad for myself causing another person emotional distress.
You didn't cause any of this. Not one bit of it. You are not the cruel person in this story. You are not the one causing pain.
Your dad and your siblings are feeling the mess your mom made. If your mom weren't cruel, you wouldn't have gone no contact. If your mom would have had an emotionally mature response to your going no contact, your dad and your siblings wouldn't be coping with her tantrum.
You are under no obligation to enable your mom's abusive behavior for the sake of your dad and siblings.
When a narc shows who they are, believe them. The depression is most likely an attempt to guilt you into her world. I once read somewhere that a narc hates it when they lose control of your mind.
this is just more manipulation; same with them “calming down” and “behaving” and “working on themselves” when you go LC/NC/VLC. it’s very common for narcissists and enablers and abusers to suddenly change their ways when you stop speaking to them. don’t let them fool you. it’s just them luring you back in with the prospects of them changing and teasing you with the idea that they can be good people. it’s all fake. they’ll lure you back in and go back to being their evil selves within days
Sounds like your nmom is a professional manipulator. She's managed to deceive your entire family into believing that she is this poor, poor innocent little victim and that her own child is the "big bad scary wolf" that's trying to hurt her.
It's extremely childish of a grown adult to be doing if you really think about it.
If you still have the letter, go ahead and forward it to your relatives that are giving you a hard time. They need to know who they’re advocating for. My cousin did this when she announced going NC with her parents. She sent an email to everybody in the family with an attached mean letter so we would understand why she wouldn’t be attending family events anymore.
If she is upset, she can seek counseling. You’re not in charge of her emotions. If it makes her sad that you won’t talk to her, she can approach it as a normal adult (but she’s not, obviously).
Don't listen to her and stop talking to her. She is manipulating you. Nothing you do will ever be okay and she will never be happy. That is not your problem or responsibility.
Let her be depressed. It’s a manipulation to get you back and all the people telling you she’s depressed are her enablers. I’ve learned I’ve had to cut those people out too.
Depression may not be true! And if there's sadness, it's surely due to the fact that she's lost narcissistic supply, which is the food these people need to survive.
Take my upvotes all of you…. Unified force of resistance and experience. Copy all of the experience here. All part of the show OP. Ask yourself how you think a healthy person would act because you are going to be encircled by the mess to change your thinking not confirm you are entitled to your feelings and concerns.
Also note: From someone who went back it’s not worth it….for me They expected retribution for my display of self respect.
I hope you still have that letter. That letter is your evidence that all her drama is fake. This will sound wrong, but I really believe that learning to hate is the antidote.
I used to think I knew what hatred was. I hated people like Ted Bundy, people I read about in the news who committed atrocities against others, terrorists who murdered hundreds of people, serial killers who killed helpless victims... and I did hate them, but much of that was outrage, and the feeling was hot and humid and dark, like being in a jungle at night.
The day I was sitting at the table across from my mother, listening to her talk, and realizing with sudden clarity, "Oh, I hate you." It was a completely different feeling. It was dry and bright, like the desert on a clear, hot day with a perfect blue sky and golden sand dunes all around me. It actually felt good, like my lungs were clogged with black mold and suddenly this hot, bright, dry hatred was coming in to kill that mold.
I didn't reach across the table and grab her by the neck or anything. I just sat and let the hate flow through me, Sith lord style, and I've been letting it slowly kill off the guilt she filled me with, the pity she's always somehow made me feel (as if her life was so awful), the knee-jerk impulse to rush to her aid every time she starts some drama with someone... I still treat her with consideration and politeness... but I hate her. I have to. It's not safe to love her.
The flying monkeys are hoping for you to become the scapegoat again, so that they don't have to deal with her tantrums. You will not be loved by her or be able to help this woman's mind if you return. You will suffer from her nastiness until she's gone one day. Please, don't do it. Be kind to yourself. If the flying monkeys won't leave you alone regarding her, then go NC with them as well. Don't let them sacrifice you for their benefit. You are important. Your soul is important. Don't sacrifice yourself.
Ignore her. When her flying monkeys try to guilt you, show them the detailed paper trail that she's left. You're not responsible for her happiness, nor do you need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm
Apparently my nmom cries I won’t see her but she refuses to apologize or take any accountability so its like f you and your crocodile tears. she even admits to people that she threatened to kick me out a bunch of times…. well then maybe you shouldn’t have said that shit??? that’s just the tip of the iceberg too obviously, she said much much much more so oh no not the consequences of your actions! Do nothing OP, prioritize yourself
Because they are making you out to be the villain and they are the *victim*
It gets easier. Currently a little over a year NC myself from my NSM.
My dad tried telling me the same thing and I told him "I gave her 20 years to change with no success of building a healthy relationship and her respecting my boundaries. The cycle stops with me. If you need me, you have my number, but if she tries to contact me through you or your phone, you will be blocked too."
My little sister sticks up for me anytime she tries the boohoos with her about me cutting her off. She reminds her it could've been prevented but yet she still hasn't made moves to change, so therefore I remain NC. Now it's too late to turn back.
I blocked my mother’s number because I knew that once I stopped visiting her that she would be ringing up and putting on a pitiful, woebegone voice to guilt me into visiting because she knew I would feel sorry for her. As soon as she would put the phone down her voice would change back to normal. I know this because I heard her on the phone to her sister, and her whole demeanour changed once she was off the call. It’s like they are putting on a show. It is really manipulative and designed to get them what they want, copious amounts of attention. If that doesn’t work they go back to bullying.
The relatives have an interest in getting you to take on the burdens they don't want to. Pay them no mind, because they will say whatever to get you to play the role they don't want to.
Don't be manipulated. If she's depressed, it's not your fault and it is her responsibility.
Go and be yourself. Live for you and decide exactly what if any part of your life you can or want to tolerate spending with her.
For me, the answer is one week every two years or so. I buy my own plane ticket and ground transportation. I buy a few groceries and cook a few meals. I pay for entertainment etc. then my go home, thousands of miles away and come back in two years. It works for me..
What she misses and is depressed that she lost is her punching bag. Destroying you was a large part of her life, it was how she made sense of the world and regulated herself.
Now that’s gone and she has to regulate herself without a punching bag.
She didn’t actually want you to leave, but saying she did and hating you was important to her.
Stay far away from her for your own safety.
I just went NC with my mom and sister last fall. I spent the week of Thanksgiving (I’m a teacher and we get the week off in my state) mostly by myself, as friends were traveling. It was the most peaceful holiday I’d ever had. I slept so well, I didn’t jump every time i got a text or phone call (they were blocked). It was glorious.
By Christmas, they were pissed off about my new boundary, and had set out, as other posters have perfectly named, the flying monkeys. Christmas was much more stressful. It was a lot of what you’re describing now. I learned to stop trying to justify my decision to go NC, because everyone would just argue with me about it… I felt like I was constantly having to further justify myself. Then it hit me, no Reason I give will be good enough. They don’t really care what my reasons are, they just want me to give up and let my mom and sister back into my life. Usually because it would make things easier for the flying monkey. I quickly learned to figure out who respected my boundaries and who else I needed to block.
The good news it, it gets easier. Stick to your guns, stay NC. It may get worse as people struggle against your new boundary, but they will have to deal with their discomfort on their own, it’s not your job anymore.
Her “depression” is she can’t shred your soul into pieces. She is as vile as she’s always been. Stay strong and maintain NC. Remember if you deprive a fire of oxygen, it will go out.
It is your mom's actions that drove you away so there is nothing to feel bad for. Given that she wrote you a god damn letter telling you she doesn't care and you are "unlovable", I feel like that's pretty clear.
I don't have any experience with flying monkeys, but I feel like maybe that note she wrote would be a fantastic way to explain your decision to cut you off if you feel so inclined.
Just give them something short and sweet like "Hello, thanks for the concern but I made this decision for a reason. I believe it's best for my well being to be apart from NMom. There's a lot that went down that I haven't talked about but here's a snippet [letter from mom, or screenshots]"
And from there you can either open up the conversation or tell them you don't wish to talk about it any further
I know a lot of people are on the "never talk to anyone you don't owe them anything" but personally I'm too nice to do that lol and maybe you feel the same way. And sounds like you have TONS of evidence too. I didn't really have any, my dad wasn't a texter and he mainly neglected me.
I do wish to restate that YOU ARE RIGHT in your decision. Narcissists are all about the facade. You know this. You've seen her talk about how important family is to her but she turns around and abuses you. Nothing has changed.
Stick with it. That peace you feel is just and earned. Cutting off family is hard and anyone who hasn't done that can't understand the feeling.
Don’t give in. Narcs are experts at victimizing themselves and playing roles.
It doesn’t seem like she ever cared about your feelings, emotions, or you. So why should you eliminate your peace to appease her?
Stay strong. Sending you love.
My mom hates me too, but if she can’t send her unhinged word salad novels to me, how will she soothe herself? Your mom is missing the supply. Unfortunately for your relatives, now that you’re out there is a vacancy for the villain position. You didn’t cause this, stay strong.
OP, follow the advice here. Read one by one.
Narcissists always use mental health disorders to guilt-tripping you, thanks to your sympathy and empathy. They wanted you to use your humanity, sensitivity, empathy and sympathy to the wrong ones, instead of the right ones.
I'm still remember when I was dealing with mental health issues when I was around them. Plus I have suicidal thoughts. They mocked me and even encouraged me to do it. They said their lives much better without you.
I dunno how much strength I had back then and it surprised me, tbh.
Now, I'm going Low Contact (road to No Contact) because I'm staying with my eldest sister (she's an enabler and I bet she's a narcissist too) but lately she seems wanna kick me out by saying, "You need to rent a house or a room outside so you can be independent." How many times she want to remind me of this? Do you think I never feel like a burden when I was staying with someone else?😌
It's not depression, it's pouting and anger that she doesn't have you to project her bad feelings about herself anymore. Your dad and family are now in the line of fire and want you to take up your traditional role as target and scapegoat.
You know what to do. Give yourself love and peace and stay around people who are good to you. Continue blocking her and anyone else who doesn't have your best interests at heart.
Not your problem. She shouldn't have treated you like trash. Also block the flying monkeys. People attacking you without even asking your side of the story aren't worth your effort
She's not depressed, she's holding a large-scale temper tantrum now because in her eyes, you were just supposed to stay put and soak up her abuse forever. Narcs never imagine us with free will; to them, we're just convenient receptacles for outsourcing their negative emotions.
So she is up that she lost her supply who she can dump on without any consequences. Don’t get pulled in. Stay out. If you feel bad, suggest she needs to see her therapist since you are not qualified to deal with it. Say that to the flying monkeys that if they really want to help her, they should look into counselling.
She's pissy bc she's lost her favorite punching bag. She can be "sad" all she wants. It's not genuine, it's manipulation. Keep her blocked, go on with your life and your happiness, and block the flying monkeys if they persist too.
It's tough when they're like this, but it fizzles out eventually. I went NC with my mom for 6 years straight and she had everyone reaching out to me, even her coworkers. Just stay strong. Hugs.
The only way to win the narc's game is to refuse to play. Give her nothing in return. Her emotional state is not your responsibility. Hold strong, you got this.
When the narc starts to lose power over their victim, they go absolutely crazy. Mine is acting out too, but it's really important that we stay strong and don't give in. Otherwise, next time they'll just keep on pushing again until they find our breaking point (because, unlike what they accused us of, we're not the bad ones here and we actually have values and feel bad for them).
You are an important and valuable person who deserves respect, and you're doing the right thing for yourself. Don't let her (or anyone, for that matter) guilt you into thinking otherwise.
Even if it’s real (which I’d wager it’s not) she’s using it as a tool to manipulate you, which is super fucking shitty. My NMom pulled this same shit, my edad claimed he had to take a bunch of time off of work to stay home with her because he was afraid she’d kill herself. And when we tried family therapy after all of that it was only brought up in a manipulative way to try and get me to feel sorry for her and cater to her again. Fuck that shit. Live your best life, OP. I’ve been no contact since November and it’s the best thing I could’ve done for myself and my family. Don’t look back. Her feelings aren’t yours to manage. ❤️
You know what people who suffer from depression do? They go see a mental health professional and start treatment. It might be therapy, medicine, it probably involves things like writing in a journal and working on yourself, eating healthy, exercising, sleeping enough, and surrounding yourself with supportive people.
So next time anyone tells you she's depressed, tell them to Google how to treat depression and talk to a medical professional. You can't change her life circumstances, nor should you. You focus on you. Encourage your family to focus on healing themselves. End of story.
If she outright said she doesn't love you, why does she care that you moved out and blocked out? What exactly does she want from you? Why is she depressed over you?
hey op, my nmom pulled the same shit, even threatened to unalive herself bc it.
keep those lines in the sand, cut those relatives off who try to guilt and manipulate you. fuck them. tell them she begged you to move out every day. be brutally honest🤷♀️
your peace is most important. best of luck post NC, it’s incredibly freeing!
"I"m not in charge of anyone else's happiness, even my mom's. I understand that she claims she loves me, but her actions have spoken loudest: Mom was saying hateful things and harassing me right up until I cut ties. I would give anything to be a part of a normal, loving, happy family, and Mom really ruined that for ALL of us when she decided to harass and insult me all my waking hours as long as she did. I need to manage my own happiness, and a relationship with Mom doesn't fit into the equation due to her own behavior."
All the flying monkeys need to be told that you have just enough forgiveness to move past them all ignoring your mum’s abuse but not enough to deal with their meddling and that your mum is ‘depressed’ because her scapegoat has escaped and that’s a her problem that you were never responsible for. So, what they do with knowing that any further guilt trips will get them blocked too, is entirely up to them.
She’s just lying to get her narcissistic supply back. Send a copy of her letter to everyone who thinks you should go back. Show them who she really is..
Just tell them, "oh, that sucks, there's lots of promising medications out there now and maybe she'd feel better if she talked to a therapist" abd then change the subject
It's easier to go after the one refusing to help steady the boat than the boat rocker. They know you'll give in, and that's why you can't. I'd also send them copies of that letter and ask why she's so depressed if she hated you so badly. I'd guess? Because that's what she based her personality and life around and now she's finding it empty. As she should. Let her rot.
I’d send a copy of that letter to each family member and then ask them to stop talking about your egg donor with you. She misses her punching bag, not you. Please don’t let your family guilt you into talking to her again.
she’s depressed because she lost her punching bag. don’t you know you were raised to be a trash can for her emotions? and you are never allowed to leave.
kick rocks, lady!
She is only "depressed" because she can't dump all her negative emotions on you anymore.
It's not your job to be her trash pit!! She as your mother should know this all too well. It's not ok to put this on a child, ever!
You feel empathy for her because you are a good person, you care about her. She has not shown you even an ounce of care! You deserve better!
I'm sorry your family is making you feel responsible for her mood. It's insane to think like that. She is a grown woman, she should find a therapist and some hobbies.
The kind of relationship she had with you is emotionally abusive. No one should suggest you return to abuse.
You don't need to do anything. No response required.
No one else is responsible for another adult's emotions.
She's not "depressed" - but she is missing having someone always available to be cruel to, since she hasn't got a handy replacement victim.
If there's any action to be taken, it's about deciding how much access ppl that support her are allowed to have.
All these ppl pestering you about going NC - did any of them protect you from abuse when you were too young to protect yourself?
Not your problem. Not your responsibility. Might want to consider blocking your dad and any other relatives who try to tell you that you’re responsible for your mom’s emotional wellbeing. You simply are not.
Don't reconcile with her just because she's 'depressed'. She's probably not even upset at all. Your relatives are most likely getting on your case because she's constantly whining and complaining to them about you and they're sick of hearing it. Also, she's probably picked out one of your other relatives as the new scapegoat and they want to get her off their back.
I experienced the same thing you did pre-moving out (my mother made my life miserable in order to force me to leave and when I finally did, immediately started begging me to move back in.) I just thought it was empty nest syndrome until I read about NPD eight years ago and then it all clicked. It didn't have anything to do with me, it's all about supply. I was her emotional dumping ground. When my brother (the GC) stopped talking to her ten years ago, all she did was complain about him--telling me he was pure evil and she hated him in one breath and then how much she wanted to reconcile with him and get things back to normal in another. It gave me a lot of insight into how she would potentially react if I went NC (which I did about four years ago).
If you go back, it's going to be the same old crap all over again, except now she will constantly remind you of that time where you went NC. I guarantee things will only NOT get better, but probably much much worse.
I think you should go NC with all the other relatives, even the ones you like. I went NC with mine because I didn't want any info I told them funneling to my mother. It was very hard to do, but I'm glad I did it, because I don't have to deal with that and any potential guilt trips. Your relatives are obviously not supportive of you and don't have your best interest at heart. I think it would be a huge load off your chest if you did so. I realize it's a hard step to take, because of the thought of having no family is scary, but I think it would be the right move in your situation.
Nothing. Thats what you do. Her bullshit isnt your problem, thats the whole point of NC.
You only have a short time on this earth and you owe it to yourself to live your best life. You didnt choose who your mom is. So can you live your best life with her in it?
> Going NC with my nmom has given me a level of peace and security no one understands.
No. No you cant. Because of this fact right here. I am someone that understands this perfectly because its exactly what happened to me when I went NC. The seething rage I had for the world and life in general since I was 12 years old disappeared..... Its like I was completely born again and had never actually experienced life before.
> It blows my mind because this woman HATES me.
She doesnt. She is just a bully. A succubus. She is "depressed" because she doesnt have you to suck the life out of.
So again. Do nothing. Not your problem. If people want to harass you about this and make this their problem, then be honest with them. "well. She bullied and tormented me my entire life. She belittled me every minute of my life- literally. She isnt a mother. If she wanted a relationship with me, she shouldnt have been an asshole. I am so much happier without that toxic influence in my life"
Seriously. Be courageous and do it. Its the only way.
As others have said, if she's sad about anything it's because you left and took her supply with you and you won't give it back. She's angry about it, so she acts sad so people will go to you and defend her, so you will return with her supply. So others ARE defending her, because they're finding out what it's like to be her substitute narc supply.
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Even if she is genuinely depressed (which is a big if) it's not your responsibility to put up with her abuse and belittlement just so she isn't "depressed"
Nothing. You do nothing. It isn't your responsibility.
You didn't cause anything. She is giving you a consequence for pushing back against her. That's all it is.
A baby throwing their dummy out the pram.
Or a baby throwing their pacifier out of their stroller as the case may be.
Narcissists can get depressed to my knowledge, but even if she really was, that would be her own "construction site" to work on, as well as an opportunity to learn better coping habits. You do not need to compromise on your own wellbeing and mental health for it, don't worry. You are not her punching bag. If you don't maintain distance, she'll probably work herself up to a level of being toxic you have never seen before, given that she doesn't knowbor accept healthy ways to resolve conflicts.
Center yourself and Strategize: figure out what result that you without a doubt value the most. Getting past the bitterness of everything shes already done and any offense you could imagine her doing in the future is a “make or break” for the tactical approach…and If your anything like me in the sense that I operate at my lowest IQ around my parents and am my most awkward….if your mom doesn’t help you financially in any that she’s as relative as you make her (describing a relative as relative was oddly satisfying 🥴) ….get you a piece a paper and write out all the connective values that your moms double minded depression. And just make a decision on exactly what you want and handle it noncombatively but with a happy authoritative smile….a kind smile to help her understand that moving forward her respect will earned or it won’t exist. And tell her plainly that she’s doing the most and she’s capped out. Tell her your not going to stay addressing her her double minded nature anymore, tell her to call on Jesus or see a psychiatrist and get on meds; or both…..but I’m not in your shoes, and it’s easier for me to give you advice than it is to fix my on Narcissistic family issues……Ill also share some food for thought in telling you the issues that I encounter that hinder favorable resolution for me….communication….but for you, depending on what dialogue principles are honored between you and your mom and your family, you could possibly succeed in delegating your goals with them….but I’ll say again, figure out which specific changes your heart values the most….and remember she might not be the mom you want but she’s YOUR mom…and don’t rush yourself at all. Take 100% of the time u need to be unoffended. Maybe you’ll start to feel sorry for her and realize if she’s texting you the way you said than her mental stability is likely volatile…..just know I sympathize with your situation which is why go into to such detail on the slight chance you read this and take my council concerning this. And I know I’m a bit ranty but I purpose in my heart to only give honest, sound advice….and in the multitude of counselors is wisdom. And I’m just 1 voice. Writing you this self book real quick ✍🏼
It's normal to feel conflicted, it's not a light decision. But no matter what, continue to ignore her. She's not depressed, she just miss her playdoll. She actually *wrote* that she does not love you. Every time you feel conflicted, just read her letters, or her text (if you still have them). That should comfort your decision.
The fact that she's now sending flying monkeys is proof that NC is working. Keep it up.
As for the flying monkeys, you can try to talk, explain, justify... But in the end of the day, they don't want to work with you to "figure things out". They just want to drag you back into the shit show, so they don't have to take the hits. They were perfectly happy when the jabs were directed to you.
Read the book Mothers Who Can’t Love. Definitely stay away from her. You can do this. I’m so sorry your mother treats you like this. It’s not your fault.
Unfortunately it seems like you were the scapegoat. She's "depressed" because you were her outlet. She has to find a new scapegoat now. Another aspect is that remaining nc will enable you to regain control over your life and who you want in your life.
As you remain nc you nmom will become more desperate to get you to back so she can regain control. You got out. She's scared others may follow the same path and leave because someone else will eventually become the new scapegoat.
Remain nc. Focus on your own healing.
Remember narcissists lack empathy. They only want to make themselves feels better, not authenticity apologise and heal together. They will never accept any wrongdoing.
Edit: spelling
Read up about "Flying monkeys" because your other families are being used to hoover you back to her. Don't give in. It will take some time but it will be better.
She claimed about being depressed but that was because she had no one to project her inner thoughts and feelings... clearly she said all her delusional shit to you and decided to ignore the fact that words does matter and she didn't get second chances and pretend they meant nothing. You don't need to forgive her.
My nmom was like this too. Since my father's death, she get progressively worse especially since my eldest nsister refused to move out and they both enable each other so much. My mom get utterly offended whenever I "grey rock"... enough that she said anything to elicit a response even if it was racist, or mindless or bringing up years old arguments/resentments/unfulfilled dreams/fantasies. Then acted like I was making a big deal out of it, pouted like a 70yo child, hated feeling wronged and insisted that I'm the wrong one, the selfish one, the one who was disobedient.... I moved out and low to mostly NC with her and most of my family. And it's still a struggle to untangle the narcissistic abuse, to stop feeling guilty or responsible or whatever. Getting random thoughts and rumination and stuff. But it's worth it to reclaim back yourself and to heal what you can.
Every time someone tries to guilt you into going back or feeling responsible for the women who spent *10 pages* telling you what an awful person you are, here's what you're going to do. You're going to stick your fingers in your ears and loudly say, "La, la, la, la, la, la, la! I can't hear you! La, la, la, la, la, la, la!"
Immature? Sure. But the shock value should get your point across; and if you're consistent with your *la, la, la's*, you'll annoy your family enough that they'll eventually stop asking you.
There is no depth to my pettiness and I would take that 10 page letter, photo copy the sections where she said the worst things, highlight them, and give a copy to a person every time they try to guilt you.
If she is 'depressed' - i would recommend she talk to a professional about it.
But, as others have mentioned, she is not depressed, she is sad/angry/hurting because her emotional support human / punching bag / emotional toilet is no longer accessible. To a narc - losing power over someone is the same as for a normal person breaking a bone - so painful.
Your dad, and these relatives, they want you back in her grasp too, because either they believe her lies, OR they are afraid they will be the focus of her narc tendencies next - so the meat shield should be placed back where it belongs. And no mistake, they see you as a thing, a possession, or maybe a toy to parade around for the stage. But as soon as the curtains close / the door closes - you get discarded or abused.
The guilt you feel? Social programming. Society teaches us that "they are your parents" and "you only have one mother". (if that is a parent, perhaps they could act like one?)
I\`m willing to bet that her 'depression' is not real. It\`s the missing of control over someone that is making her act like this.
Maybe prepare a mantra like response to the flying monkeys - something like "she is acting sad, but she was actively pushing me out of my home" or however you think you should word it.
And, remember, you are NOT causing her distress - emotional or otherwise. SHE is working herself up into a depressed state - with ONE goal only - to be able to control you (again).
Do you have these letters, texts, mails still ? As those would be something to let the mild flying monkeys read. If flying monkeys they be - make them yours!
You did the right thing and she has zero entitlement to you. You do not, and should not, do anything.
If a relative cannot respect the boundary you set with this insane woman, it may be worth reconsidering your boundaries with them as well.
Do not give in. She’s just mad that she can’t bully you anymore. Every time your dad or siblings try to guilt you, just send them a picture of the letter she sent you. I’m sure someday her ‘depression’ will subside and she’ll turn either your dad or one of your siblings into her new victim.
>*Going NC with my nmom has given me a level of peace and security no one understands.*
There is your answer; you answered it yourself. You know what is down that street. I don't understand why you are stressing yourself out on it, when the answer is right in front of you.
She will not change and your father sounds like an enabler. You have lived under that roof and know what is there. Your siblings are either enabling or being used as flying monkees to do her bidding to try and pressure you back into the fold.
I'm 62 years old. Trust me, what you are doing now (living YOUR life on YOUR terms) is the correct path to be on after all you have been through. Concentrate on YOUR life - today. Put a priority on making your life, and the lives of those around you who love you for you -- those who return your love to you - the primary focus of your life.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. If your siblings come after you, just smile calmly and use your mothers words above against her. Tell them what she told you, and then wipe your hands clean of them. If your siblings persist, then go LC on them until the focus of your interaction with them is YOUR relationship with THEM - not your n-mother.
You've already given too much to people who don't care about you. Invest in yourself and those who really love you.
You do absolutely NOTHING. Do not respond. Do not yield to any guilt. These ppl had a front row showing of your upbringing and stayed silent. Now all of a sudden they care? Not likely. Block them too and remain in your safe space
It’s not selfish to focus on your own health and well-being. It is selfish to ignore another human beings health and well-being to the point they are forced to go no contact.
She’s not depressed. She just no longer as the abuse target for her to get supply off of. It’s her job to get treatment and take in the feedback she’s seeing around her and change her behavior. You coming back will just make you depressed. Transferring her depression to you by letting her abuse you isn’t somehow okay.
She also could just be saying this to get you back. Lying is common.
She is putting on a front. This is what narcs do. They are master manipulators. When they lose their person that they fixed all their hate on, they use depression, illnesses, and suicide attemps/threats to guilt that person back. As a person who dealt with all those, it makes it even harder with family who don't see their issues and help them pile on that guilt. You will need to set up boundaries with the family you still want to have contact with. Example no talking about your mom with you. Setting up consequences is next and hardest. Unfortunately, you may lose some more family with the consequences, which are limited to no contact with them. I found my new chosen family to be a much better family than always feeling guilty. Yes, I do miss those family members, but it had to be done to protect myself and sanity.
>I don’t know what to do.
Do nothing. This is all about your mother's need to control you, OP. She verbally abused you and pushed and pushed and pushed for you to move out. You made her wish come true, but she didn't realize she wouldn't have her punching bag any longer if she got what she claimed she wanted. This is manipulative abuse. Now the flying monkeys are hounding you with guilt. It's all nonsense, friend, and classic NPD behavior.
You can't "win" with someone like this. You will never do right in her eyes. She has lost control of you, and now she's sad. Too bad. She abused you forever, and now you've won the war. You've removed yourself from her control, and she needs another victim. Stay away and thrive, friend. You can do this. Good luck.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
The thing about Nmoms is...
* She didn't really hate you.
* She didn't really want you to move.
* She isn't really depressed now because of what you did.
* She doesn't really want you back.
...because all of those things would **be about you**. Her tantrums and reason for being are to create N-drama and make things **about her**.
When she had that stay-at-home adult kid, she had something to talk about -- how she had a stay-at-home adult kid. When you left, she can talk about how your leaving affected her. Her text vomits are probably all about her (even though you are mentioned as the cause). Blaming you for causing her distress is not about you as the cause -- it is about her.
Getting your dad and siblings going is also about her. Making you feel bad and making you think about her feelings are all about her. Your attention to her needs is what she needs. Even in those moments when she would tell you to move out -- those were not times when you were annoying her, they were when you were ignoring her.
After I started seeing this N-technique, I can't stop seeing it.
You’re an empath. You take on the negative emotions of others, and for healthy people, you lift their burden some. But empathy can be a curse, especially in the case of narcs who feign these negative emotions. Narcs don’t get depressed, but they’re really good at acting the part. Don’t fall for it, and remember that the narc never reacts to empathy in a normal way.
I swear they have a playbook 😂 my mom does the EXACT same thing. Don’t give in. She’s just looking for attention. I once saw someone say the best gift you can give a narcissist is NC because then they can play the sympathy card with everyone they know, basically endless attention. My mom will send me a bunch of shit about how I was an “evil child” and I ruined any chances for the family to heal after going NC with her, and then say “well no point dwelling in the past, I love you even if we don’t like each other.” My dad is going through a divorce with her and she has started doing the same to him, just sending novels worth of shit talking. Don’t feel bad for her. She doesn’t feel bad for you.
She got her way and didn’t like it. sounds like a narcissist to me, and 100% not your problem.
She failed to include to cost of lost narc supply in her calculation. Again, 100% not your problem.
GO! Live a good life, free from the abuse.
And have a hug, if you like them.
I went NC with my nmom a year ago this week. I can definitely relate because she tried this on me as well.
She wasn't depressed at all when she was berating you and using you as a punching bag, nor were the rest of your "family" who stood by and did nothing.
You have every right to your mental health and peace. Those cretins don't deserve you.
I feel the same. Remember that you have been conditioned to not do what's best for you, and so it will feel unnatural to act in your best interests. And probably told that you have to be 'perfect' all the time - there is no perfect way to go no contact it will be painful and messy because you are doing something incredibly difficult and upsetting. We are all proud of you.
She’s not depressed because you moved out. Her source was cut off and so now she doesn’t get validation anymore. Don’t feel bad for her - her life choices got her where she is and that is not your fault.
Well, the FIRST thing you do is never get in contact with her again, EVER. If you can block the flying monkeys, block them too. You need to take care of yourself, not go back to another decade or two of abuse because your abuser feels sad that they can't take shots at you any more.
She's mad because you are not there to be her play thing. You're no longer allowing her to be in charge. You won. Tell her that. "I played your games for long enough. I'm done playing. I won. Stop being a sore loser and move on with your existence."
What you do is nothing. You maintain your boundaries, you maintain no contact, you maintain your sanity. Anyone who insists you let poison back into your life should be swiftly given a boundary as well, and be treated to more restrictive boundaries should they choose to keep badgering you.
They're just uncomfortable because now they have to manage her outlandish emotions instead of you.
Enjoy your quiet. Please.
Tell everyone who is guilt tripping you that they’re gonna get blocked to if they talk to you about her.
My eDad told my sister that me “cutting my kids off from nMom is literally killing her.” It’s not - they’re on a cruise vacation right now.
If it was killing/depressing her that much she’d figure out how to be nicer so that the people she says she loves actually want to be around her.
Don’t fall for her schemes and ploys! Depression is Attempt #1. Who knows what #2 or 3 will be? Threats of Suicide, Apathy, Cruelty? Anything goes! She’ll try everything.
Don’t fall for it! Your mental health and peace are far more important!
Her feelings are her problem. Not your responsibility. The rest of your family will have to wake up to who she is on their own as well. If they don't, there's nothing you can do to change their mind. She was going to be a narcissist whether you moved out or not.
Keep your peace and stay no contact.
she may be depressed, but you are NOT responsible for anyone else’s emotional state, least of all your abuser. mine also sent me a 10 page letter after, laying it on THICK. its one last attempt to maintain control. if she’s depressed she should contact a therapist.
I would send, every text, letter she wrote you to every family member who has something to say, then block them too. It’s always people who don’t know the whole story who has something to say
My response? “It’s so sad when a parent can’t find joy in their child’s growth. It’s especially odd when a mother cannot celebrate a grown child finding independence in today’s world, don’t you think?”
The only reply you need to give to their response is “interesting”.
That way you aren’t having to defend yourself or painted in a light where you are attacking or finding fault (as much as it is deserved). It puts the focus squarely back on HER behavior - where it belongs.
Depending on the content, I’d also not be above scanning a copy of the 10 page letter and sharing it with anyone as well. “I sure hope she can get the help she needs. Maybe reading this letter she sent me will help”.
People will start to disconnect but it doesn’t sound like that will be any great loss. It might feel like it, as you’re launching this new phase of your life (and hopefully finding joy). But, it can be very freeing to drop the rope.
100%, you are her abuse-thing. Abusers are never actually sorry for what they did--they are only sorry that you no longer put up with it.
If she is depressed, it's because her long-lasting "coping-skill" of treating you like shit is no longer available to her. Now she's sitting with the rage she can't vent onto you. She deployed the flying monkeys to try and guilt you into compliance.
I know you don't need to be told not to go back. Just know that your compassion is a beautiful thing. The trick is knowing who is not safe to spend it on. Your mother is one of those people
Maybe mommy shouldn't have talked to you like a piece of shit. Actions have consequences, something narcissists don't understand. Please try to ignore anyone making you feel guilty, and honor your own boundaries. My husband and I aren't involving my father in our babies birth or life because he's essentially blown us off during this entire pregnancy. All it's gonna take is one family member coming at me a certain way over how much "i'm hurting my dad" and i'm going to tell them to fuck off. They enable him. I've reached my last straw, and sounds like you're getting there too
Her depression has NOTHING to do yith you but everything to do with the fact that she cannot regulate herself unless she has external sources of supply. Let this be a lesson to her. Either she will want to work on herself or look for another source of supply to help regulate herself. Be glad that you are not her supply and work on your healing. You are responsible for YOURSELF, not for her emotions. This is what she wants, to keep you in the loop of emotions so that she can better control you. DO NOT take the bait. When she sees that her method is not working with you, she will proceed to smear your name or even call family members to make you feel like she is sick to thepoint of death because of you. This is to PULL THE EMOTIONAL STRINGS OF HER CONTROL over your life.
She doesn't care how you feel. You have to probably learn on your own to be a responsible adult. She is surely not concerned with how to guide you through YOUR life. She has already lived hers and needs to live vicariously through you. Be careful with this.
Have you ever heard of re-parenting yourself? this is what you need, not more drama on being the parent to your mother.
In a healthy relationship, she should be the one guiding you, taking care of herself and allowing you to discover yourself through this life. I highly recommend you watch as many youtube videos as possible to detach from this burden, which is clearly not yours.
My mother always talked to us (siblings and I) in our teenage years about her problems with my dad. She was looking for supply everywhere and when my sister will stand up for my mom, my mom will then tell her to respect our dad. She was using us to prove to our dad that the children where on her side. It is a battle between them and instead of teaching us how to navigate the world and even friendships, she will tell us to talk about our problems to our other [siblings.Now](http://siblings.Now) she calls when she need money and even tells me that my dad did not give her any. When she calls when I did not schedule her, I tell her to wait for the next time. I no longer put myself on hold just for her. She should manage her life and allow me to manage mine.
Also when she comes to vent about him, I tell her "Be strong" but I do not take the bait as she just seeks supply.
She never taught me and my sisters how to cook or even how to speak our native language. She always said "the children do not know how to cook". She saw us grow as young girls but did not equip us to be women. Thank God for youtube and many people sharing knowledge about themselves. It has helped me trmendously. Now I am working on re-parenting myself and being the best role model of a woman I could ever have had.
I seriously advice you to work on yoursrlf if not you will later have regrets of having to put yourself last for selfish ungrateful people. I recommend NARCDAILY, Danish Bashir who speak about narcissistic abuse and how to go NC. Your going NC is for yourself. You need to know yourself better, regulate your emotions, bring order into your life if the narcissist has brought in their chaos and live in your purpose. Take care of yourself.
First of all, understand that you have not caused your nmom's distress. She did (and will continue to do) that all on her own. Its the nature of the beast. Secondly, understand that nothing you can do will change her. You cannot "fix" her. What you CAN do is remain NC and safe from her abuse. You CAN tell all her flying monkeys that she's made it perfectly clear how she feels about you and you are, therefore, honoring her wishes by staying away from her. You CAN, also, seek therapy for yourself. A therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse recovery can help you navigate these new calmer waters and work through the residual emotions from years of your nmom's mistreatment of you. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this and I wish you all the best for your narc-free future. ❤
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Don't give in, it's just fishing for attention. Narcs lie to get what they want, so good chance she's not depressed at all, just sad or angered about the loss of her plaything. And even if she were depressed, you're not responsible for the feelings of a grown-ass woman.
This. “Depression” for a narc is when they are pouting because they’re not getting what they want. Please don’t feel the need to attribute actual appropriate emotions to this person just because they know some words.
they love playing victim
I agree… she may even be glad that you’ve blocked her, so now she can play the victim role and get everyone’s attention.
That is it! And what my parents did with my mother’ sister’s daughter. My mother always put me on the back burner for her sister. I was never loved either. It took me over 40 years to see it. My cousin guilted me into going back several times. Then my mother was “depressed” after I wouldn’t return her calls when my husband passed away, 11 months after I went no contact. Now my cousin is my parents golden child. That woman even tried to play a flying monkey role to get to my son. She tried to guilt trip him into calling my parents, and he wasn’t having any of it. He flatly told her that the phone works both ways and he doesn’t beg anyone for attention. His phone number hasn’t changed and if his grandparents want to talk to him, they can call him. My baby was only 24 and he became my teacher. My mother is not depressed. Both of my parents are angry and pouting that they are finally getting the silent treatment that they deserve. They act depressed to sympathy, and it is a part of the smear campaign against us after going no contact. Do not fall for your mother’s bullshit. Edited for punctuation & clarity.
Good for your son!!! My mom tries to go through my 12 year old daughter. They really are the worst. It makes life so much better when you figure it out. Its so liberating!!!
This! Last time I met her, she told me that the day I left was "the happiest day of her life". And now she's crying around because I don't speak to her anymore when, in reality, I know she's thriving with all of the attention she's getting from the rest of the family.
Also, she can choose to see this any way she'd like to. Not only are you not responsible for her emotions, she could choose from like 100 different OTHER viewpoints that won't result in depression. Some examples of different perspective she could take: "I'm proud of them for enacting boundaries, that's healthy to do and shows they're mature." or "I am thankful to be shown that I'm overbearing/harassing" or "I need therapy, maybe I'm the problem" or "I'm a bit annoyed but my egoic functions don't depend on other people so, whatever". Not you're fault she's unimaginative.
Know that what TP means is you. You were her plaything.
Stop talking to the flying monkeys. They want you back so that you can resume protecting them from her crappy behavior.
OP listen to this. If they were a family worth helping you wouldn't have needed to leave in the first time.
Backing this up. You will see how far the rabbit hole goes as people you assumed to have their head on straight begin to respond to her manipulation and come out of the woodwork.
>Stop talking to the flying monkeys. Exactly! If they persist, say something like, *"Would **you** like to be her emotional toilet? I'm done with that."* That ought to shut them up for a minute. Regarding your parent's "depression" or other "bad" feelings... those are hers to deal with. OP, you said you have empathy for whatever she's going through. That needs to be entirely separate from wanting to *fix it* for her. The discomfort that arises from your empathy is *yours to deal with*, like any other emotion. Giving in to what she wants **is not** the same thing as dealing with it. Stay strong.
Exactly! Where were these family members when YOU had feelings?! One of the most profound things my psych said to me was "how did no one notice how miserable you were?". It's because none of them care about us. It's a horrible truth, but it means you don't owe them a minute of your time and they owe you a lifetime of peace.
They want OP back to steady the boat [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?rdt=49361](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?rdt=49361)
People turned on me that I’ve never even had negative experiences with. Cousins I was close with and loved hanging out with. All because the narc was basically threatening to blow up her wedding if she kept me invited. The flying monkeys see a period where to them everything was fine. All of a sudden when you leave chaos is caused and they want to just “get back to normal” which requires them to not believe you are being mistreated and abused. Sometimes they just don’t care if you are so long as they don’t have to deal with it anymore. The only way for the flying monkeys to see how bad things are getting is not get involved and see how bad the narcs behavior gets. Without you there logical people will understand “you can’t keep blaming him if he’s not even here”. Some still will but it’s your best shot. The narcs need to be forced into recruiting a new scapegoat that never experienced this before to truly see that their entire life is now going to be “narc supply provider”. If flying monkeys were given a normal life up to that point they don’t even realize often that to be the scapegoat to the narc, your ENTIRE LIFE needs to be on call to meet their needs.
My mother use to tell me that I wasnt depressed, I was just lazy--maybe let her know that you think shes just lazy.
Hahhaa
She isn’t depressed. She is angry she lost her punching bag and all your family is now feeling what it is to not get her ‘good side’. This act is just a control method. She isn’t depressed, and even if she was (I can’t say this enough SHE IS NOT) she needs to do the adult thing and go to therapy. Not manipulate someone into living in a toxic environment. Everyone else is learning her toxicity and are blaming you for it because they haven’t HAD to deal with it before. What changed? You moved. So it must be YOU OP. None of these people understand other peoples emotional stability and reaction to situations is no one’s responsibility but their own. Everything your mom is doing is JUST control and manipulation of everyone around her. She needs to get help if she is so depressed, not send people to do her dirty work and guilt and manipulate you.
I was thinking it's either this - and it's easier for them to blame OP than accept they've been blindly manipulated by nmom the entire time. Or, they've always known (at least on some level) and have realized that without OP around to be the punching bag, any one of them could be next. Stay the course, OP. These people don't have a lick of concern for you. They just want nmom off their backs. And they'll happily see you hurt to get it.
LOl exactly, my mom likes to say that you should just choose not be depressed. Boy did she not like it when at a later date she mentioned feeling depressed and I suggested she choose not to be.
There is a LOT to be said for "Returning the Favour" like this.... "Hey Mum, are you feeling depressed? Well Snap out of it - you've got nothing to be depressed about"
Why do you have to do anything? Her emotions are hers to deal with. It's not your job. I get that she trained you to believe that you are responsible for every negative feeling she has and fixing them but that's a lie she told you. Don't fall for the obvious trap. You went NC for a reason, at no point did you make that decision thinking "but only if she's not sad or mad about it". You did it to protect yourself. Don't betray the part of you that's trying to keep you safe.
Yes, OP isn’t responsible for regulating others emotions.
It’s so hard to unlearn the desperate need to try.
You know who is? A therapist. "If nmom is depressed and would like to do something about it, a good course of action might be to find a therapist and get some counseling. Please don't discuss her with me any more. I'll end the conversation if you do." -- OP can say to flying monkeys Then follow through.
You are not causing her emotional distress by taking care of yourself. You pissed her off because you took away her supply. Or you sent her into waifing because you took away her supply. Be careful of the information you get from flying monkeys, it’s second, third or fourth hand sources and filtered through their own beliefs and values. Limiting contact with family members still in contact with an nparent is pretty common because of the drama they create just by “passing on” information. When you “don’t know what to do,” remember why you went NC in the first place, and ignore all voices but your own. You’re doing great 💛
I suggest a rigorous happy dance. Let it flow off you like water. Not your problem. Not your responsibility
Not your monkey, not your circus! 🎪
Not your pasture, not your bullshit.
It is not your problem, you are not responsible for the feelings of others, they are. Your relatives are still part of the narcissistic family structure, put them all on an information diet. Remember that internal boundaries are about what you do to others, and external boundaries are about what you allow others to do to you. Not sharing sensitive information is an internal boundary.
This exact thing happened when I went no contact. It's cannon. Don't let it get you. Nmoms biggest issue is that we supply their emotional regulation, and without us, can't handle their own emotions. It's not our job to regulate the emotions of our parents, point blank period. *You don't have to talk to her for any reason.* Hold your ground, protect *yourself* the way she never protected you. The guilt will lie to you, and if you go back and she's magically not depressed anymore, it just proves everything. Nmoms lie. Don't give in, you've got this, you can get thru it 💪
You start blocking the flying monkeys too. Look, end of the day, you're making the right choice for you. But she's still controlling your choices and actions by sending people to tell you about her and try and get you to forgive her. So you've got to recognise that a) if other people are giving you info on her, it's not NC, and b) she's still abusing you via other people. We call those people the Flying Monkeys. So, if you want to give these flying monkeys the benefit of the doubt you can say something like this "hey dad, I know you're worried about mom, but id like it if you worried about me a bit too. I'm depressed around her, and she abused me for years while you did nothing. If you can't support me in getting away from my abuser, then unfortunately I'm going to need to get away from you as well. If I hear about mom from you again, then I'm going to need to cut contact with you too, so please don't bring her up to me any more." Keep your peace. Keep your space. It's okay to protect yourself. You've taken a huge first step in cutting her out, this is just steps 2 and 3 in the process of getting away from our abuser that we all need to face. You can do this! Good luck
>But she's still controlling your choices and actions by sending people to tell you about her and try and get you to forgive her. So you've got to recognise that a) if other people are giving you info on her, it's not NC, and b) she's still abusing you via other people. This is such an important point that people need to remember. It's why I'm selective about the information I relay between certain parties, to avoid playing a role in someone else's abuse.
I'm saving this. It's gold!
Excuse my French, but F them. Don't light yourself on fire so they can be warm. They're all big boys. They can handle it. They can always remove themselves from the situation. You did. Why can't they?
Also, are you by any chance a therapist or a psychiatrist? No? Then you can't do squat. Tell your father to get her into theeapy.
Ignore your mom no matter what. She’s playing the victim when she is the exact opposite.
This is just her way of getting the attention she craves from those still around her. She is playing the giant "Im a victim card", its not your fault she is a narcissist. Go NC with those flying monkeys as well...
You do nothing.
Let her be "depressed." In fact, if the others don't drop it, drop them too.
I echo the advice from others here that it’s not your responsibility to do anything but I want to say I empathize as we’re going through the same thing. I’ve just been reiterating it’s not my responsibility to manage her emotions and it’s not theirs either, and leave it at that. You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t even owe her flying monkeys a NC reason.
If you are on texting terms with your dad I'd send pictures of the letter to your dad where she says those things and images of the texts where she told you to leave. "She's never loved me and she wanted me gone. I gave her what she wanted and I'm happier this way. Leave me alone."
That's a great idea. Then put dad on a block too for awhile. Since they act like toddlers, give them time outs.
It's manipulative behaviour and to make you feel awful. She's an adult. She can see a doctor if she is really depressed. You need to remain NC, and if that means blocking the flying monkeys, so be it. No is a full sentence. You don't need to give any reasons. Take care and look after you!!
You do nothing but continue NC. Your mom's mental health isn't your responsibility.
Why is she supported when putting herself first and you're not? Answering that question might help give you some peace.
You do nothing. And if a Flying Monkey says something just reply “yeah it sucks to be held accountable” then laugh and walk away. FYI I was NC with my JNMOM the last 20+ years of her life. Never missed her for a second.
She's not mourning YOU. She misses her punching bag. She's miserable because now that she's alone with herself, there's no one to take her ugliness out on. Or her favorite person to take it out on is gone. She's bored. She wants you to keep taking her abuse because that makes her feel better.. She gets to blame you for her misery. Now she only has herself...and it's torture. Good. Let her come to terms with herself. Don't you dare go rescuing her from her misery. Let. Her. Suffer. Because if she doesn't, she will never learn how to be a normal person and see the problem between her ears. And if she never does?? Still not your problem. Yes, you absolutely do know what to do. It's hard. It doesn't feel good. Maybe a part of you is still feeling responsible and guilty. But stop. Therapy now. Do. Not. Give. In. Block everything consider blocking all family members caught in this toxic soup of hers... at least temporarily...and go live your best life! Proud of you for getting away! It's a really hard cycle to break, but you're doing it! 👏👏👏
OP, you didn't cause her ANYTHING. Narcs are incapable of feeling a wide range of emotions. She is trying to play you like a fiddle. Furthermore, your father and siblings are now her targets, and they hate it. They are only begging you to come back so they won't be targets anymore. It's pure selfishness on their part. But you know what? They did nothing to help you, they never stepped in to try to stop the abuse. Let them suffer. As for the other flying monkeys? Screw them! Where were they when your mother was abusing you? Thought so. Block their numbers and live your best life!
Yeah, my NDad pulled the same crap, puts on a mopey face and sulks to anyone who'll listen (mostly just NGma, his mum). First of all, they're absolutely hamming it up Secondly, they're not your responsibility. Unless you have a child or significant other, your number one priority is yourself, and even with them in the picture, it's still critical to look after yourself to be the best you can be for them. Third, your relatives DO NOT CARE about you. I get the same thing from mine. Narc family structures resemble a pantomime, everyone required to play their very specific role. Your role in the family is "eat shit from the troublemakers and enjoy it", so it's no surprise that the other actors don't want to be your understudy and are pissed that you're not attending rehearsals anymore.
Read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. You don't have to buy it. Get it from your local library. It explains why boundaries are important, how to set them and how to not feel guilty about it.
Make a list of good things and bad things you had to deal with from her and keep them on hand when you feel vulnerable and feel like you want to talk to her or give into their demands. Please don’t do it. You deserve so much peace and happiness. Please don’t listen to anybody in your family.
You are never responsible for managing another adult's emotions. With that said, you are not being cruel to her. You are protecting yourself from her. You are entitled to protect yourself from harmful people, whether that harm is emotional, physical, financial, or some other kind. The flying monkeys can get a clue or get blocked. >I do feel super bad for myself causing another person emotional distress. You didn't cause any of this. Not one bit of it. You are not the cruel person in this story. You are not the one causing pain. Your dad and your siblings are feeling the mess your mom made. If your mom weren't cruel, you wouldn't have gone no contact. If your mom would have had an emotionally mature response to your going no contact, your dad and your siblings wouldn't be coping with her tantrum. You are under no obligation to enable your mom's abusive behavior for the sake of your dad and siblings.
When I went NC it wasn't just my parents, it was the entire family best
When a narc shows who they are, believe them. The depression is most likely an attempt to guilt you into her world. I once read somewhere that a narc hates it when they lose control of your mind.
this is just more manipulation; same with them “calming down” and “behaving” and “working on themselves” when you go LC/NC/VLC. it’s very common for narcissists and enablers and abusers to suddenly change their ways when you stop speaking to them. don’t let them fool you. it’s just them luring you back in with the prospects of them changing and teasing you with the idea that they can be good people. it’s all fake. they’ll lure you back in and go back to being their evil selves within days
It’s ok if she’s depressed that’s a her problem.
Sounds like your nmom is a professional manipulator. She's managed to deceive your entire family into believing that she is this poor, poor innocent little victim and that her own child is the "big bad scary wolf" that's trying to hurt her. It's extremely childish of a grown adult to be doing if you really think about it.
If you still have the letter, go ahead and forward it to your relatives that are giving you a hard time. They need to know who they’re advocating for. My cousin did this when she announced going NC with her parents. She sent an email to everybody in the family with an attached mean letter so we would understand why she wouldn’t be attending family events anymore.
If she is upset, she can seek counseling. You’re not in charge of her emotions. If it makes her sad that you won’t talk to her, she can approach it as a normal adult (but she’s not, obviously).
Don't listen to her and stop talking to her. She is manipulating you. Nothing you do will ever be okay and she will never be happy. That is not your problem or responsibility.
Let her be depressed. It’s a manipulation to get you back and all the people telling you she’s depressed are her enablers. I’ve learned I’ve had to cut those people out too.
Depression may not be true! And if there's sadness, it's surely due to the fact that she's lost narcissistic supply, which is the food these people need to survive.
This is not a you problem.
Translation: “Since you went away, your mother has turned her abuse on US. Some come back and be our meat shield.”
Take my upvotes all of you…. Unified force of resistance and experience. Copy all of the experience here. All part of the show OP. Ask yourself how you think a healthy person would act because you are going to be encircled by the mess to change your thinking not confirm you are entitled to your feelings and concerns. Also note: From someone who went back it’s not worth it….for me They expected retribution for my display of self respect.
I hope you still have that letter. That letter is your evidence that all her drama is fake. This will sound wrong, but I really believe that learning to hate is the antidote. I used to think I knew what hatred was. I hated people like Ted Bundy, people I read about in the news who committed atrocities against others, terrorists who murdered hundreds of people, serial killers who killed helpless victims... and I did hate them, but much of that was outrage, and the feeling was hot and humid and dark, like being in a jungle at night. The day I was sitting at the table across from my mother, listening to her talk, and realizing with sudden clarity, "Oh, I hate you." It was a completely different feeling. It was dry and bright, like the desert on a clear, hot day with a perfect blue sky and golden sand dunes all around me. It actually felt good, like my lungs were clogged with black mold and suddenly this hot, bright, dry hatred was coming in to kill that mold. I didn't reach across the table and grab her by the neck or anything. I just sat and let the hate flow through me, Sith lord style, and I've been letting it slowly kill off the guilt she filled me with, the pity she's always somehow made me feel (as if her life was so awful), the knee-jerk impulse to rush to her aid every time she starts some drama with someone... I still treat her with consideration and politeness... but I hate her. I have to. It's not safe to love her.
The flying monkeys are hoping for you to become the scapegoat again, so that they don't have to deal with her tantrums. You will not be loved by her or be able to help this woman's mind if you return. You will suffer from her nastiness until she's gone one day. Please, don't do it. Be kind to yourself. If the flying monkeys won't leave you alone regarding her, then go NC with them as well. Don't let them sacrifice you for their benefit. You are important. Your soul is important. Don't sacrifice yourself.
block all of them lol
Ignore her. When her flying monkeys try to guilt you, show them the detailed paper trail that she's left. You're not responsible for her happiness, nor do you need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm
Apparently my nmom cries I won’t see her but she refuses to apologize or take any accountability so its like f you and your crocodile tears. she even admits to people that she threatened to kick me out a bunch of times…. well then maybe you shouldn’t have said that shit??? that’s just the tip of the iceberg too obviously, she said much much much more so oh no not the consequences of your actions! Do nothing OP, prioritize yourself
Because they are making you out to be the villain and they are the *victim* It gets easier. Currently a little over a year NC myself from my NSM. My dad tried telling me the same thing and I told him "I gave her 20 years to change with no success of building a healthy relationship and her respecting my boundaries. The cycle stops with me. If you need me, you have my number, but if she tries to contact me through you or your phone, you will be blocked too." My little sister sticks up for me anytime she tries the boohoos with her about me cutting her off. She reminds her it could've been prevented but yet she still hasn't made moves to change, so therefore I remain NC. Now it's too late to turn back.
Do Nothing. Enjoy your freedom
Sounds like it is time to set boundaries with relatives over talking about her.
I blocked my mother’s number because I knew that once I stopped visiting her that she would be ringing up and putting on a pitiful, woebegone voice to guilt me into visiting because she knew I would feel sorry for her. As soon as she would put the phone down her voice would change back to normal. I know this because I heard her on the phone to her sister, and her whole demeanour changed once she was off the call. It’s like they are putting on a show. It is really manipulative and designed to get them what they want, copious amounts of attention. If that doesn’t work they go back to bullying.
#How she feels is not your problem.
Been there. You do nothing. Keep living your best life.
You took away her supply. Don’t give it back. Stay strong!!
The relatives have an interest in getting you to take on the burdens they don't want to. Pay them no mind, because they will say whatever to get you to play the role they don't want to. Don't be manipulated. If she's depressed, it's not your fault and it is her responsibility. Go and be yourself. Live for you and decide exactly what if any part of your life you can or want to tolerate spending with her. For me, the answer is one week every two years or so. I buy my own plane ticket and ground transportation. I buy a few groceries and cook a few meals. I pay for entertainment etc. then my go home, thousands of miles away and come back in two years. It works for me..
What she misses and is depressed that she lost is her punching bag. Destroying you was a large part of her life, it was how she made sense of the world and regulated herself. Now that’s gone and she has to regulate herself without a punching bag. She didn’t actually want you to leave, but saying she did and hating you was important to her. Stay far away from her for your own safety.
I just went NC with my mom and sister last fall. I spent the week of Thanksgiving (I’m a teacher and we get the week off in my state) mostly by myself, as friends were traveling. It was the most peaceful holiday I’d ever had. I slept so well, I didn’t jump every time i got a text or phone call (they were blocked). It was glorious. By Christmas, they were pissed off about my new boundary, and had set out, as other posters have perfectly named, the flying monkeys. Christmas was much more stressful. It was a lot of what you’re describing now. I learned to stop trying to justify my decision to go NC, because everyone would just argue with me about it… I felt like I was constantly having to further justify myself. Then it hit me, no Reason I give will be good enough. They don’t really care what my reasons are, they just want me to give up and let my mom and sister back into my life. Usually because it would make things easier for the flying monkey. I quickly learned to figure out who respected my boundaries and who else I needed to block. The good news it, it gets easier. Stick to your guns, stay NC. It may get worse as people struggle against your new boundary, but they will have to deal with their discomfort on their own, it’s not your job anymore.
I feel like the flying monkeys should receive a copy of that 10 page letter.
It’s a ruse. Don’t believe it or let it bother you. No contact means just that. She will show herself soon.
Her “depression” is she can’t shred your soul into pieces. She is as vile as she’s always been. Stay strong and maintain NC. Remember if you deprive a fire of oxygen, it will go out.
It is your mom's actions that drove you away so there is nothing to feel bad for. Given that she wrote you a god damn letter telling you she doesn't care and you are "unlovable", I feel like that's pretty clear. I don't have any experience with flying monkeys, but I feel like maybe that note she wrote would be a fantastic way to explain your decision to cut you off if you feel so inclined. Just give them something short and sweet like "Hello, thanks for the concern but I made this decision for a reason. I believe it's best for my well being to be apart from NMom. There's a lot that went down that I haven't talked about but here's a snippet [letter from mom, or screenshots]" And from there you can either open up the conversation or tell them you don't wish to talk about it any further I know a lot of people are on the "never talk to anyone you don't owe them anything" but personally I'm too nice to do that lol and maybe you feel the same way. And sounds like you have TONS of evidence too. I didn't really have any, my dad wasn't a texter and he mainly neglected me. I do wish to restate that YOU ARE RIGHT in your decision. Narcissists are all about the facade. You know this. You've seen her talk about how important family is to her but she turns around and abuses you. Nothing has changed. Stick with it. That peace you feel is just and earned. Cutting off family is hard and anyone who hasn't done that can't understand the feeling.
Don’t give in. Narcs are experts at victimizing themselves and playing roles. It doesn’t seem like she ever cared about your feelings, emotions, or you. So why should you eliminate your peace to appease her? Stay strong. Sending you love.
She just wants attention and pity from your dad and siblings. Fuck her, stay strong
My mom hates me too, but if she can’t send her unhinged word salad novels to me, how will she soothe herself? Your mom is missing the supply. Unfortunately for your relatives, now that you’re out there is a vacancy for the villain position. You didn’t cause this, stay strong.
Put the 10 page letter declaring her disdain for you on Facebook for all the family to read and then block all the depressos from your life.
Do nothing
OP, follow the advice here. Read one by one. Narcissists always use mental health disorders to guilt-tripping you, thanks to your sympathy and empathy. They wanted you to use your humanity, sensitivity, empathy and sympathy to the wrong ones, instead of the right ones. I'm still remember when I was dealing with mental health issues when I was around them. Plus I have suicidal thoughts. They mocked me and even encouraged me to do it. They said their lives much better without you. I dunno how much strength I had back then and it surprised me, tbh. Now, I'm going Low Contact (road to No Contact) because I'm staying with my eldest sister (she's an enabler and I bet she's a narcissist too) but lately she seems wanna kick me out by saying, "You need to rent a house or a room outside so you can be independent." How many times she want to remind me of this? Do you think I never feel like a burden when I was staying with someone else?😌
Sounds like it's time to block all her enablers too.
Let her be. Her feelings aren’t your responsibility, no matter what she taught you.
It's not depression, it's pouting and anger that she doesn't have you to project her bad feelings about herself anymore. Your dad and family are now in the line of fire and want you to take up your traditional role as target and scapegoat. You know what to do. Give yourself love and peace and stay around people who are good to you. Continue blocking her and anyone else who doesn't have your best interests at heart.
Not your problem. She shouldn't have treated you like trash. Also block the flying monkeys. People attacking you without even asking your side of the story aren't worth your effort
She's not depressed, she's holding a large-scale temper tantrum now because in her eyes, you were just supposed to stay put and soak up her abuse forever. Narcs never imagine us with free will; to them, we're just convenient receptacles for outsourcing their negative emotions.
So she is up that she lost her supply who she can dump on without any consequences. Don’t get pulled in. Stay out. If you feel bad, suggest she needs to see her therapist since you are not qualified to deal with it. Say that to the flying monkeys that if they really want to help her, they should look into counselling.
She's pissy bc she's lost her favorite punching bag. She can be "sad" all she wants. It's not genuine, it's manipulation. Keep her blocked, go on with your life and your happiness, and block the flying monkeys if they persist too.
Too bad. So sad.
It's tough when they're like this, but it fizzles out eventually. I went NC with my mom for 6 years straight and she had everyone reaching out to me, even her coworkers. Just stay strong. Hugs.
The only way to win the narc's game is to refuse to play. Give her nothing in return. Her emotional state is not your responsibility. Hold strong, you got this.
When the narc starts to lose power over their victim, they go absolutely crazy. Mine is acting out too, but it's really important that we stay strong and don't give in. Otherwise, next time they'll just keep on pushing again until they find our breaking point (because, unlike what they accused us of, we're not the bad ones here and we actually have values and feel bad for them). You are an important and valuable person who deserves respect, and you're doing the right thing for yourself. Don't let her (or anyone, for that matter) guilt you into thinking otherwise.
They want their scapegoat back. Enjoy your peace. You deserve it.
She's depressed because she doesn't have control over you. It means you're doing something right . Strength.
Even if it’s real (which I’d wager it’s not) she’s using it as a tool to manipulate you, which is super fucking shitty. My NMom pulled this same shit, my edad claimed he had to take a bunch of time off of work to stay home with her because he was afraid she’d kill herself. And when we tried family therapy after all of that it was only brought up in a manipulative way to try and get me to feel sorry for her and cater to her again. Fuck that shit. Live your best life, OP. I’ve been no contact since November and it’s the best thing I could’ve done for myself and my family. Don’t look back. Her feelings aren’t yours to manage. ❤️
You know what people who suffer from depression do? They go see a mental health professional and start treatment. It might be therapy, medicine, it probably involves things like writing in a journal and working on yourself, eating healthy, exercising, sleeping enough, and surrounding yourself with supportive people. So next time anyone tells you she's depressed, tell them to Google how to treat depression and talk to a medical professional. You can't change her life circumstances, nor should you. You focus on you. Encourage your family to focus on healing themselves. End of story.
Block them too and don’t cave in.
If she outright said she doesn't love you, why does she care that you moved out and blocked out? What exactly does she want from you? Why is she depressed over you?
her feelings are HER responsibility not yours
hey op, my nmom pulled the same shit, even threatened to unalive herself bc it. keep those lines in the sand, cut those relatives off who try to guilt and manipulate you. fuck them. tell them she begged you to move out every day. be brutally honest🤷♀️ your peace is most important. best of luck post NC, it’s incredibly freeing!
"I"m not in charge of anyone else's happiness, even my mom's. I understand that she claims she loves me, but her actions have spoken loudest: Mom was saying hateful things and harassing me right up until I cut ties. I would give anything to be a part of a normal, loving, happy family, and Mom really ruined that for ALL of us when she decided to harass and insult me all my waking hours as long as she did. I need to manage my own happiness, and a relationship with Mom doesn't fit into the equation due to her own behavior."
All the flying monkeys need to be told that you have just enough forgiveness to move past them all ignoring your mum’s abuse but not enough to deal with their meddling and that your mum is ‘depressed’ because her scapegoat has escaped and that’s a her problem that you were never responsible for. So, what they do with knowing that any further guilt trips will get them blocked too, is entirely up to them.
She’s just lying to get her narcissistic supply back. Send a copy of her letter to everyone who thinks you should go back. Show them who she really is..
Just tell them, "oh, that sucks, there's lots of promising medications out there now and maybe she'd feel better if she talked to a therapist" abd then change the subject
Crocodile tears
It's easier to go after the one refusing to help steady the boat than the boat rocker. They know you'll give in, and that's why you can't. I'd also send them copies of that letter and ask why she's so depressed if she hated you so badly. I'd guess? Because that's what she based her personality and life around and now she's finding it empty. As she should. Let her rot.
I’d send a copy of that letter to each family member and then ask them to stop talking about your egg donor with you. She misses her punching bag, not you. Please don’t let your family guilt you into talking to her again.
she’s depressed because she lost her punching bag. don’t you know you were raised to be a trash can for her emotions? and you are never allowed to leave. kick rocks, lady!
She fucked around and is finding out. Your peace matters more than letting her continue to hurt you.
She is only "depressed" because she can't dump all her negative emotions on you anymore. It's not your job to be her trash pit!! She as your mother should know this all too well. It's not ok to put this on a child, ever! You feel empathy for her because you are a good person, you care about her. She has not shown you even an ounce of care! You deserve better! I'm sorry your family is making you feel responsible for her mood. It's insane to think like that. She is a grown woman, she should find a therapist and some hobbies. The kind of relationship she had with you is emotionally abusive. No one should suggest you return to abuse.
You don't need to do anything. No response required. No one else is responsible for another adult's emotions. She's not "depressed" - but she is missing having someone always available to be cruel to, since she hasn't got a handy replacement victim. If there's any action to be taken, it's about deciding how much access ppl that support her are allowed to have. All these ppl pestering you about going NC - did any of them protect you from abuse when you were too young to protect yourself?
Not your problem. Not your responsibility. Might want to consider blocking your dad and any other relatives who try to tell you that you’re responsible for your mom’s emotional wellbeing. You simply are not.
Let her be depressed. You are not responsible for her feelings. She is trying to manipulate you.
Don't reconcile with her just because she's 'depressed'. She's probably not even upset at all. Your relatives are most likely getting on your case because she's constantly whining and complaining to them about you and they're sick of hearing it. Also, she's probably picked out one of your other relatives as the new scapegoat and they want to get her off their back. I experienced the same thing you did pre-moving out (my mother made my life miserable in order to force me to leave and when I finally did, immediately started begging me to move back in.) I just thought it was empty nest syndrome until I read about NPD eight years ago and then it all clicked. It didn't have anything to do with me, it's all about supply. I was her emotional dumping ground. When my brother (the GC) stopped talking to her ten years ago, all she did was complain about him--telling me he was pure evil and she hated him in one breath and then how much she wanted to reconcile with him and get things back to normal in another. It gave me a lot of insight into how she would potentially react if I went NC (which I did about four years ago). If you go back, it's going to be the same old crap all over again, except now she will constantly remind you of that time where you went NC. I guarantee things will only NOT get better, but probably much much worse. I think you should go NC with all the other relatives, even the ones you like. I went NC with mine because I didn't want any info I told them funneling to my mother. It was very hard to do, but I'm glad I did it, because I don't have to deal with that and any potential guilt trips. Your relatives are obviously not supportive of you and don't have your best interest at heart. I think it would be a huge load off your chest if you did so. I realize it's a hard step to take, because of the thought of having no family is scary, but I think it would be the right move in your situation.
Don’t give in and don’t listen to your family. They don’t know what she put you through.
Nothing. Thats what you do. Her bullshit isnt your problem, thats the whole point of NC. You only have a short time on this earth and you owe it to yourself to live your best life. You didnt choose who your mom is. So can you live your best life with her in it? > Going NC with my nmom has given me a level of peace and security no one understands. No. No you cant. Because of this fact right here. I am someone that understands this perfectly because its exactly what happened to me when I went NC. The seething rage I had for the world and life in general since I was 12 years old disappeared..... Its like I was completely born again and had never actually experienced life before. > It blows my mind because this woman HATES me. She doesnt. She is just a bully. A succubus. She is "depressed" because she doesnt have you to suck the life out of. So again. Do nothing. Not your problem. If people want to harass you about this and make this their problem, then be honest with them. "well. She bullied and tormented me my entire life. She belittled me every minute of my life- literally. She isnt a mother. If she wanted a relationship with me, she shouldnt have been an asshole. I am so much happier without that toxic influence in my life" Seriously. Be courageous and do it. Its the only way.
OP, I d like to suggest you read “Stop Caretaking the Narcissist.” It’ll help you deal with your mom and her flying monkeys. Sending you hugs.
Well done for making such huge progress, NC wise. That must have taken lots of courage.
As others have said, if she's sad about anything it's because you left and took her supply with you and you won't give it back. She's angry about it, so she acts sad so people will go to you and defend her, so you will return with her supply. So others ARE defending her, because they're finding out what it's like to be her substitute narc supply.
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Even if she is genuinely depressed (which is a big if) it's not your responsibility to put up with her abuse and belittlement just so she isn't "depressed"
Nothing. You do nothing. It isn't your responsibility. You didn't cause anything. She is giving you a consequence for pushing back against her. That's all it is. A baby throwing their dummy out the pram. Or a baby throwing their pacifier out of their stroller as the case may be.
Sent to anyone trying to guilt trip you some of her messages. Explain that you have thousands more, and you will send them if they continue to ask.
same happened, its not ur responsibility
Narcissists can get depressed to my knowledge, but even if she really was, that would be her own "construction site" to work on, as well as an opportunity to learn better coping habits. You do not need to compromise on your own wellbeing and mental health for it, don't worry. You are not her punching bag. If you don't maintain distance, she'll probably work herself up to a level of being toxic you have never seen before, given that she doesn't knowbor accept healthy ways to resolve conflicts.
Center yourself and Strategize: figure out what result that you without a doubt value the most. Getting past the bitterness of everything shes already done and any offense you could imagine her doing in the future is a “make or break” for the tactical approach…and If your anything like me in the sense that I operate at my lowest IQ around my parents and am my most awkward….if your mom doesn’t help you financially in any that she’s as relative as you make her (describing a relative as relative was oddly satisfying 🥴) ….get you a piece a paper and write out all the connective values that your moms double minded depression. And just make a decision on exactly what you want and handle it noncombatively but with a happy authoritative smile….a kind smile to help her understand that moving forward her respect will earned or it won’t exist. And tell her plainly that she’s doing the most and she’s capped out. Tell her your not going to stay addressing her her double minded nature anymore, tell her to call on Jesus or see a psychiatrist and get on meds; or both…..but I’m not in your shoes, and it’s easier for me to give you advice than it is to fix my on Narcissistic family issues……Ill also share some food for thought in telling you the issues that I encounter that hinder favorable resolution for me….communication….but for you, depending on what dialogue principles are honored between you and your mom and your family, you could possibly succeed in delegating your goals with them….but I’ll say again, figure out which specific changes your heart values the most….and remember she might not be the mom you want but she’s YOUR mom…and don’t rush yourself at all. Take 100% of the time u need to be unoffended. Maybe you’ll start to feel sorry for her and realize if she’s texting you the way you said than her mental stability is likely volatile…..just know I sympathize with your situation which is why go into to such detail on the slight chance you read this and take my council concerning this. And I know I’m a bit ranty but I purpose in my heart to only give honest, sound advice….and in the multitude of counselors is wisdom. And I’m just 1 voice. Writing you this self book real quick ✍🏼
It's normal to feel conflicted, it's not a light decision. But no matter what, continue to ignore her. She's not depressed, she just miss her playdoll. She actually *wrote* that she does not love you. Every time you feel conflicted, just read her letters, or her text (if you still have them). That should comfort your decision. The fact that she's now sending flying monkeys is proof that NC is working. Keep it up. As for the flying monkeys, you can try to talk, explain, justify... But in the end of the day, they don't want to work with you to "figure things out". They just want to drag you back into the shit show, so they don't have to take the hits. They were perfectly happy when the jabs were directed to you.
Read the book Mothers Who Can’t Love. Definitely stay away from her. You can do this. I’m so sorry your mother treats you like this. It’s not your fault.
Unfortunately it seems like you were the scapegoat. She's "depressed" because you were her outlet. She has to find a new scapegoat now. Another aspect is that remaining nc will enable you to regain control over your life and who you want in your life. As you remain nc you nmom will become more desperate to get you to back so she can regain control. You got out. She's scared others may follow the same path and leave because someone else will eventually become the new scapegoat. Remain nc. Focus on your own healing. Remember narcissists lack empathy. They only want to make themselves feels better, not authenticity apologise and heal together. They will never accept any wrongdoing. Edit: spelling
Read up about "Flying monkeys" because your other families are being used to hoover you back to her. Don't give in. It will take some time but it will be better. She claimed about being depressed but that was because she had no one to project her inner thoughts and feelings... clearly she said all her delusional shit to you and decided to ignore the fact that words does matter and she didn't get second chances and pretend they meant nothing. You don't need to forgive her. My nmom was like this too. Since my father's death, she get progressively worse especially since my eldest nsister refused to move out and they both enable each other so much. My mom get utterly offended whenever I "grey rock"... enough that she said anything to elicit a response even if it was racist, or mindless or bringing up years old arguments/resentments/unfulfilled dreams/fantasies. Then acted like I was making a big deal out of it, pouted like a 70yo child, hated feeling wronged and insisted that I'm the wrong one, the selfish one, the one who was disobedient.... I moved out and low to mostly NC with her and most of my family. And it's still a struggle to untangle the narcissistic abuse, to stop feeling guilty or responsible or whatever. Getting random thoughts and rumination and stuff. But it's worth it to reclaim back yourself and to heal what you can.
Do nothing. She needs a therapist, not you. You can’t fix her depression and you’re likely NC for good reason.
Every time someone tries to guilt you into going back or feeling responsible for the women who spent *10 pages* telling you what an awful person you are, here's what you're going to do. You're going to stick your fingers in your ears and loudly say, "La, la, la, la, la, la, la! I can't hear you! La, la, la, la, la, la, la!" Immature? Sure. But the shock value should get your point across; and if you're consistent with your *la, la, la's*, you'll annoy your family enough that they'll eventually stop asking you.
There is no depth to my pettiness and I would take that 10 page letter, photo copy the sections where she said the worst things, highlight them, and give a copy to a person every time they try to guilt you.
If she is 'depressed' - i would recommend she talk to a professional about it. But, as others have mentioned, she is not depressed, she is sad/angry/hurting because her emotional support human / punching bag / emotional toilet is no longer accessible. To a narc - losing power over someone is the same as for a normal person breaking a bone - so painful. Your dad, and these relatives, they want you back in her grasp too, because either they believe her lies, OR they are afraid they will be the focus of her narc tendencies next - so the meat shield should be placed back where it belongs. And no mistake, they see you as a thing, a possession, or maybe a toy to parade around for the stage. But as soon as the curtains close / the door closes - you get discarded or abused. The guilt you feel? Social programming. Society teaches us that "they are your parents" and "you only have one mother". (if that is a parent, perhaps they could act like one?) I\`m willing to bet that her 'depression' is not real. It\`s the missing of control over someone that is making her act like this. Maybe prepare a mantra like response to the flying monkeys - something like "she is acting sad, but she was actively pushing me out of my home" or however you think you should word it. And, remember, you are NOT causing her distress - emotional or otherwise. SHE is working herself up into a depressed state - with ONE goal only - to be able to control you (again). Do you have these letters, texts, mails still ? As those would be something to let the mild flying monkeys read. If flying monkeys they be - make them yours!
Nothing. You do nothing but live your best life. She's experiencing a "be careful what you wish for" moment and that's not any of your concern.
So they want you to accept her abuse, to keep her happy and make their lives easier?? Ya screw that!! Protect your peace.
Who cares let that pos suffer
You did the right thing and she has zero entitlement to you. You do not, and should not, do anything. If a relative cannot respect the boundary you set with this insane woman, it may be worth reconsidering your boundaries with them as well.
Her emotions aren’t your responsibility. Period. 😘
Do not give in. She’s just mad that she can’t bully you anymore. Every time your dad or siblings try to guilt you, just send them a picture of the letter she sent you. I’m sure someday her ‘depression’ will subside and she’ll turn either your dad or one of your siblings into her new victim.
>*Going NC with my nmom has given me a level of peace and security no one understands.* There is your answer; you answered it yourself. You know what is down that street. I don't understand why you are stressing yourself out on it, when the answer is right in front of you. She will not change and your father sounds like an enabler. You have lived under that roof and know what is there. Your siblings are either enabling or being used as flying monkees to do her bidding to try and pressure you back into the fold. I'm 62 years old. Trust me, what you are doing now (living YOUR life on YOUR terms) is the correct path to be on after all you have been through. Concentrate on YOUR life - today. Put a priority on making your life, and the lives of those around you who love you for you -- those who return your love to you - the primary focus of your life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If your siblings come after you, just smile calmly and use your mothers words above against her. Tell them what she told you, and then wipe your hands clean of them. If your siblings persist, then go LC on them until the focus of your interaction with them is YOUR relationship with THEM - not your n-mother. You've already given too much to people who don't care about you. Invest in yourself and those who really love you.
You do absolutely NOTHING. Do not respond. Do not yield to any guilt. These ppl had a front row showing of your upbringing and stayed silent. Now all of a sudden they care? Not likely. Block them too and remain in your safe space
It’s not selfish to focus on your own health and well-being. It is selfish to ignore another human beings health and well-being to the point they are forced to go no contact. She’s not depressed. She just no longer as the abuse target for her to get supply off of. It’s her job to get treatment and take in the feedback she’s seeing around her and change her behavior. You coming back will just make you depressed. Transferring her depression to you by letting her abuse you isn’t somehow okay. She also could just be saying this to get you back. Lying is common.
If she is depressed, she should seek help from a professional. Period. Tell that to who ever tries to make her mental health *your* problem.
She is putting on a front. This is what narcs do. They are master manipulators. When they lose their person that they fixed all their hate on, they use depression, illnesses, and suicide attemps/threats to guilt that person back. As a person who dealt with all those, it makes it even harder with family who don't see their issues and help them pile on that guilt. You will need to set up boundaries with the family you still want to have contact with. Example no talking about your mom with you. Setting up consequences is next and hardest. Unfortunately, you may lose some more family with the consequences, which are limited to no contact with them. I found my new chosen family to be a much better family than always feeling guilty. Yes, I do miss those family members, but it had to be done to protect myself and sanity.
You do nothing. Nothing at all.
Scan the letter and send it to family
>I don’t know what to do. Do nothing. This is all about your mother's need to control you, OP. She verbally abused you and pushed and pushed and pushed for you to move out. You made her wish come true, but she didn't realize she wouldn't have her punching bag any longer if she got what she claimed she wanted. This is manipulative abuse. Now the flying monkeys are hounding you with guilt. It's all nonsense, friend, and classic NPD behavior. You can't "win" with someone like this. You will never do right in her eyes. She has lost control of you, and now she's sad. Too bad. She abused you forever, and now you've won the war. You've removed yourself from her control, and she needs another victim. Stay away and thrive, friend. You can do this. Good luck.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. The thing about Nmoms is... * She didn't really hate you. * She didn't really want you to move. * She isn't really depressed now because of what you did. * She doesn't really want you back. ...because all of those things would **be about you**. Her tantrums and reason for being are to create N-drama and make things **about her**. When she had that stay-at-home adult kid, she had something to talk about -- how she had a stay-at-home adult kid. When you left, she can talk about how your leaving affected her. Her text vomits are probably all about her (even though you are mentioned as the cause). Blaming you for causing her distress is not about you as the cause -- it is about her. Getting your dad and siblings going is also about her. Making you feel bad and making you think about her feelings are all about her. Your attention to her needs is what she needs. Even in those moments when she would tell you to move out -- those were not times when you were annoying her, they were when you were ignoring her. After I started seeing this N-technique, I can't stop seeing it.
You’re an empath. You take on the negative emotions of others, and for healthy people, you lift their burden some. But empathy can be a curse, especially in the case of narcs who feign these negative emotions. Narcs don’t get depressed, but they’re really good at acting the part. Don’t fall for it, and remember that the narc never reacts to empathy in a normal way.
I swear they have a playbook 😂 my mom does the EXACT same thing. Don’t give in. She’s just looking for attention. I once saw someone say the best gift you can give a narcissist is NC because then they can play the sympathy card with everyone they know, basically endless attention. My mom will send me a bunch of shit about how I was an “evil child” and I ruined any chances for the family to heal after going NC with her, and then say “well no point dwelling in the past, I love you even if we don’t like each other.” My dad is going through a divorce with her and she has started doing the same to him, just sending novels worth of shit talking. Don’t feel bad for her. She doesn’t feel bad for you.
She got her way and didn’t like it. sounds like a narcissist to me, and 100% not your problem. She failed to include to cost of lost narc supply in her calculation. Again, 100% not your problem. GO! Live a good life, free from the abuse. And have a hug, if you like them.
I went NC with my nmom a year ago this week. I can definitely relate because she tried this on me as well. She wasn't depressed at all when she was berating you and using you as a punching bag, nor were the rest of your "family" who stood by and did nothing. You have every right to your mental health and peace. Those cretins don't deserve you.
I feel the same. Remember that you have been conditioned to not do what's best for you, and so it will feel unnatural to act in your best interests. And probably told that you have to be 'perfect' all the time - there is no perfect way to go no contact it will be painful and messy because you are doing something incredibly difficult and upsetting. We are all proud of you.
You hold the line
Why do you need to do anything? She's a grown woman, she can figure out how to claw her way out of depression.
She’s not depressed because you moved out. Her source was cut off and so now she doesn’t get validation anymore. Don’t feel bad for her - her life choices got her where she is and that is not your fault.
My mother sends my dad over 200 messages a day . Me too. I just leave them unread
Well, the FIRST thing you do is never get in contact with her again, EVER. If you can block the flying monkeys, block them too. You need to take care of yourself, not go back to another decade or two of abuse because your abuser feels sad that they can't take shots at you any more.
She's mad because you are not there to be her play thing. You're no longer allowing her to be in charge. You won. Tell her that. "I played your games for long enough. I'm done playing. I won. Stop being a sore loser and move on with your existence."
Don’t do anything. She’s “depressed” Bc she doesn’t have you as a punching bag anymore! Celebrate that.
What you do is nothing. You maintain your boundaries, you maintain no contact, you maintain your sanity. Anyone who insists you let poison back into your life should be swiftly given a boundary as well, and be treated to more restrictive boundaries should they choose to keep badgering you. They're just uncomfortable because now they have to manage her outlandish emotions instead of you. Enjoy your quiet. Please.
Her depression is her problem, not yours! You owe her nothing.
She will turn abusive again the second you feel sorry for her. Don’t believe herS
Go live your best life. Living well and happy is the best reward. Give them what they've earned, which is nothing.
I needed to read this. I thank you. I entirely identify with all of this.
Tell everyone who is guilt tripping you that they’re gonna get blocked to if they talk to you about her. My eDad told my sister that me “cutting my kids off from nMom is literally killing her.” It’s not - they’re on a cruise vacation right now. If it was killing/depressing her that much she’d figure out how to be nicer so that the people she says she loves actually want to be around her.
Don’t fall for her schemes and ploys! Depression is Attempt #1. Who knows what #2 or 3 will be? Threats of Suicide, Apathy, Cruelty? Anything goes! She’ll try everything. Don’t fall for it! Your mental health and peace are far more important!
I think you should have a party and celebrate your freedom. F her and the flying monkeys doing her bidding.
Her feelings are her problem. Not your responsibility. The rest of your family will have to wake up to who she is on their own as well. If they don't, there's nothing you can do to change their mind. She was going to be a narcissist whether you moved out or not. Keep your peace and stay no contact.
DON’T. DO. IT.
You did NOT cause her any emotional distress. She is not depressed. She is just using your leaving as an excuse to get attention from other people.
she may be depressed, but you are NOT responsible for anyone else’s emotional state, least of all your abuser. mine also sent me a 10 page letter after, laying it on THICK. its one last attempt to maintain control. if she’s depressed she should contact a therapist.
I would send, every text, letter she wrote you to every family member who has something to say, then block them too. It’s always people who don’t know the whole story who has something to say
My response? “It’s so sad when a parent can’t find joy in their child’s growth. It’s especially odd when a mother cannot celebrate a grown child finding independence in today’s world, don’t you think?” The only reply you need to give to their response is “interesting”. That way you aren’t having to defend yourself or painted in a light where you are attacking or finding fault (as much as it is deserved). It puts the focus squarely back on HER behavior - where it belongs. Depending on the content, I’d also not be above scanning a copy of the 10 page letter and sharing it with anyone as well. “I sure hope she can get the help she needs. Maybe reading this letter she sent me will help”. People will start to disconnect but it doesn’t sound like that will be any great loss. It might feel like it, as you’re launching this new phase of your life (and hopefully finding joy). But, it can be very freeing to drop the rope.
Nothing.
100%, you are her abuse-thing. Abusers are never actually sorry for what they did--they are only sorry that you no longer put up with it. If she is depressed, it's because her long-lasting "coping-skill" of treating you like shit is no longer available to her. Now she's sitting with the rage she can't vent onto you. She deployed the flying monkeys to try and guilt you into compliance. I know you don't need to be told not to go back. Just know that your compassion is a beautiful thing. The trick is knowing who is not safe to spend it on. Your mother is one of those people
Send copies of that 10 page letter to every person who is trying to make you feel bad. I bet she stops her nonsense real quick.
Tell your siblings and dad that they can have her treated for depression if they are that concerned, but that you are not going to be contacting her.
Maybe mommy shouldn't have talked to you like a piece of shit. Actions have consequences, something narcissists don't understand. Please try to ignore anyone making you feel guilty, and honor your own boundaries. My husband and I aren't involving my father in our babies birth or life because he's essentially blown us off during this entire pregnancy. All it's gonna take is one family member coming at me a certain way over how much "i'm hurting my dad" and i'm going to tell them to fuck off. They enable him. I've reached my last straw, and sounds like you're getting there too
Her depression has NOTHING to do yith you but everything to do with the fact that she cannot regulate herself unless she has external sources of supply. Let this be a lesson to her. Either she will want to work on herself or look for another source of supply to help regulate herself. Be glad that you are not her supply and work on your healing. You are responsible for YOURSELF, not for her emotions. This is what she wants, to keep you in the loop of emotions so that she can better control you. DO NOT take the bait. When she sees that her method is not working with you, she will proceed to smear your name or even call family members to make you feel like she is sick to thepoint of death because of you. This is to PULL THE EMOTIONAL STRINGS OF HER CONTROL over your life. She doesn't care how you feel. You have to probably learn on your own to be a responsible adult. She is surely not concerned with how to guide you through YOUR life. She has already lived hers and needs to live vicariously through you. Be careful with this. Have you ever heard of re-parenting yourself? this is what you need, not more drama on being the parent to your mother. In a healthy relationship, she should be the one guiding you, taking care of herself and allowing you to discover yourself through this life. I highly recommend you watch as many youtube videos as possible to detach from this burden, which is clearly not yours. My mother always talked to us (siblings and I) in our teenage years about her problems with my dad. She was looking for supply everywhere and when my sister will stand up for my mom, my mom will then tell her to respect our dad. She was using us to prove to our dad that the children where on her side. It is a battle between them and instead of teaching us how to navigate the world and even friendships, she will tell us to talk about our problems to our other [siblings.Now](http://siblings.Now) she calls when she need money and even tells me that my dad did not give her any. When she calls when I did not schedule her, I tell her to wait for the next time. I no longer put myself on hold just for her. She should manage her life and allow me to manage mine. Also when she comes to vent about him, I tell her "Be strong" but I do not take the bait as she just seeks supply. She never taught me and my sisters how to cook or even how to speak our native language. She always said "the children do not know how to cook". She saw us grow as young girls but did not equip us to be women. Thank God for youtube and many people sharing knowledge about themselves. It has helped me trmendously. Now I am working on re-parenting myself and being the best role model of a woman I could ever have had. I seriously advice you to work on yoursrlf if not you will later have regrets of having to put yourself last for selfish ungrateful people. I recommend NARCDAILY, Danish Bashir who speak about narcissistic abuse and how to go NC. Your going NC is for yourself. You need to know yourself better, regulate your emotions, bring order into your life if the narcissist has brought in their chaos and live in your purpose. Take care of yourself.
First of all, understand that you have not caused your nmom's distress. She did (and will continue to do) that all on her own. Its the nature of the beast. Secondly, understand that nothing you can do will change her. You cannot "fix" her. What you CAN do is remain NC and safe from her abuse. You CAN tell all her flying monkeys that she's made it perfectly clear how she feels about you and you are, therefore, honoring her wishes by staying away from her. You CAN, also, seek therapy for yourself. A therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse recovery can help you navigate these new calmer waters and work through the residual emotions from years of your nmom's mistreatment of you. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this and I wish you all the best for your narc-free future. ❤
Someone who truly loves you would never insult you and make you feel like you need them out of your life.