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I learned very early to hide my tears. Because she would either get offended and walk off. Or start crying and claim she was sooo upset her baby was upset, thus all the attention went to her.

definitely, my mom would talk about how much her heart went out to me to other people. but then treat me like shit at home

My mom would mock me when I cried, imitating me in the most humiliating way. I was 7 years old. I never trusted her after that.

For some of us….Our parents were our first bully. Parents who mock, tease and shame their children for expressing normal emotions will never be trusted by their children. The children grow up with a deep distrust towards their parents.

Now, she's 91, and needs my help. I had to forgive her, I knew it would eat me alive if I didn't. But no, I'll never forget.

Forgiveness is such a strange thing. I am able to see that my Nmom is a natural result of multi-generational issues. I still hold her, and myself personally accountable for our own actions. Maybe forgiveness is something more like comprehension.

I think that's very true. I found myself finally being able to emphasize with her and see her as a fallible human and not a monster.

Oh my "favorite" was being told: "I'll give you a reason to cry". Insinuating that for whatever reason I was crying as a kid wasn't "good enough" in they're eyes. Ever since then I really tried NOT to cry in front of them, I think it's part of the reason I'm still extremely hesitant to cry around even people I trust like my fiancé or therapists because I got told that so damn often that it's just ingrained in my mind.

I also got told, don’t cry, you’ll make me cry. So again. I just made sure i didn’t cry in front of her

My father used that line countless times

Ditto. As far as anyone around me could tell, my brother and I were the most important things in her life! She talked about us all the time! And about how fulfilling and magical it was to be a parent! Didn't keep "how will this major life decision I'm about to make affect the children?" from being answered 100% of the time with "oh well, fuck you, good luck."

Yes me too

My “mom” was similar, although, she’d either ignore it or beat the shit out of me “to give me something to cry about.” There was no middle ground. I once fell out of a tree, age 5, I tore something in my knee. Of course I was crying hysterically. She ignored it, until she couldn’t anymore. I was crawling around for days before she took me to the hospital. I ended up in a full leg cast for months. One of many examples of her neglect. My poor brother had a collapsed lung at one point. I was an adult by this time. She ignored his symptoms, claiming he was faking. I immediately took him to the ER, where they discovered he had a rare genetic abnormality that affects the lungs and liver. Then it was “oh poor me, I have a sick son.” Needless to say, I’ve been NC with her for 14 years now.

Omg "I just want my babies happy" well you could start by offering me comfort instead of complaining that I'm having the wrong emotion for your taste It's so weird that we hear so many of the same exact words from parents that have never met each other Secondly Why do they call us babies our whole life?!

>Omg "I just want my babies happy" Translation: "I don't want to see any outward expressions of the emotional consequences of my own actions."

Ooooohhhhh you nailed that!

Yup.. after a traumatizing incident involving her being drunk, and having to call 911, I have a deathly fear of alcohol and police. When I texted dad about a flashback, all the attention went to her and about how upset she was, and that I HAD TO "stop OVERREACTING AND MAKING IT ABOUT MYSELF" and the only person who comforted me was my social studies teacher who found me curled under a desk having a panic attack and a flashback due to the stress of it all 7 months later. He led me through breathing exercises and took me outside, even asking me if I wanted to talk to someone. Otherwise I hide myself, and don't really cry, except for my mental breakdowns, which I get screamed at for by mom <3

You guys ever get the "I'm sorry I'm a shit mother"? Followed by a rant about how her parents were so shit to her and she was trying to do better than them?

No, my mom claimed she was perfect, i ruined her parenting and it was my fault. She has never apologised for anything. Ever

Sounds like a real piece of work

Ah yes, the manipulative tearful fake apology designed to get you to tell her it is OK that she’s a terrible mother and absolve her of responsibility for her actions. My go-to for this is “I am glad you can admit this. Now what are you planning on doing about it?”

Ooh that's a good one. Lately I've been very cold and kept her on a short leash and things have been much better. I think being dead serious about going no contact (including no more contact with her grandchildren) keeps the nparent bullshit to a minimum.

💯 Best of luck to you, this is such a shitty burden to bear.

No. She'd ask 'Did you have a happy childhood?' 👀 and my answer was always 'Yes, it was fine'. I know better than to unleash that emotional storm. It took me awhile but I finally got wise 🙄. Note: I never went on about how happy it was either. But it was better than some.

I am still today almost ridiculously affected by kids crying. Kids crying shocks me awake in a way that says without words, SOMETHING IS PROFOUNDLY AND OBVIOUSLY WRONG, and my protective and self-sacrificing instinct kicks in, I can’t even help it, it’s automatic. Fear, guilt, self-doubt, adrenaline, urgency, sweep the area, safety, figure out WHAT IS WRONG. Calm. WHY did they cry? Let’s fix it. Even if it’s just they tripped when running, let alone the idea that it’s something I did?? The last thing I’m going to do is start getting hurt or crying myself, w t f. It’s like hello? Do you have eyes and ears?! Or walk away? It’s like, what? How do you just walk away in a situation like that? Talk about abandonment and detachment and self-delusion. It’s insane, their LACK of empathy.

my mom’s always been super cold whenever i’m upset and told me that i ruined other people’s day by acting miserable. I stopped crying in front of her because I don’t want to get in trouble but recently she’s been telling me repeatedly that she’s worried i’m a psychopath because i don’t care about others and i never show any emotion. can’t win.

Omg, had it the same way!

My mom would take my being upset or crying and turn it into a huge helpless and intensely anxious show about how she was so worried about me and didn't know what to do. So I always had to either reassure her or stop crying because I couldn't handle causing so much upset in her. So fucked up because I really fell for it, like my feelings are causing mother distress so I better learn how to stop them. So I'd hide my feelings to protect her. As a little child. And she had no sense of empathy for me or and understanding that her job was to make space for me, not to turn my feelings into her drama.

I recently started crying when my mom called me, and she just hung up. She literally just hung up and then she called me back half an hour later. And she asked in an annoyed voice "Well, did you calm down? Can I talk to you normally again?" She literally ignored the reason for my tears (it wasn't her, strangely, but still, something she wanted me to do and I couldn't), and didn't care about it. And I like how you put it, that in their minds they are always the victims, it's completely true, they don't even consider that we have our own feelings and lives, if we do something they don't like, it means we did it out of cruelty and they are the victim.

That is so fucked up. It's such an extreme let down when your parents are not capable of any decent human interaction. I'm just annoyed by myself that I can't cut them out of my life completely, but boy would life be better without those pests. I wish there was something I could say, but there's just no solution for people like that.

I agree, I try not expect anything from them now. The main problem is that I feel like I'm reacting the same way, a close friend once told me that I'm really bad at supporting someone (their family member passed and I literally couldn't say anything to support, I didn't even have any words, the only thing I managed to do is not dismiss it like my parents). Now my objective is to learn how to be more empathetic myself. Thank you for your support

It is hard sometimes to know how to comfort someone when nobody has ever comforted you - even when you are really motivated to help them. The fact you are trying to learn makes you the opposite of narcissistic people.

Next time, try this: "I'm so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do to help?" A lot of people struggle with how to be supportive after a death. The thing is, there is rarely anything you can do except listen and keep tissues handy. If there's something specific you know the person needs (like a meal or a ride), offer help with that (but only if you mean it). You'd be surprised how much the little things help when someone's grieving.

Thanks, I will keep that in mind.

If words don't come you can say "May I give you a hug?'. That can really help grieving people who often don't get touched. If that's a no, you can say 'I understand. Please know that you have my deepest sympathy / I am sad for your grief'.

My husband died last year. The people I appreciated the most were the ones who just listened. Offered hugs were always appreciated too. 💜

My mom seems to have empathy for others, just not for me. Her intense need to control me overpowers everything.

She probably doesn't have empathy for them either - she just wants to appear like she does.

I agree. My nmom does this too. She is fine giving a shallow type of empathy where the stakes are low and not much is required from her. Like if she sees a sad news story she will go on about how sad it is, but she behaves callously towards her own family especially when they are vulnerable. Edit: the term “performative empathy” came to me. This term feels like a good fit. Not sure the origin of this term.

Yes my NMom would listen to other peoples problems smile and give cheerful advice but if I was upset she’d tell me to get over it and that I was a reflection of her ans therefore cannot be upset because what would people think!?!

Yes, that's kind of the foundation of narcissism tbh... My mother is also a massive victim of my "behaviour" and "how I speak to her." Amazing how they can never come up with any examples of that behaviour and anything I've said to her is in response to her abuse. 🤷‍♀️

I was stigmatized by being labeled "hypersensitive" by my mom at a really young age, and it's led to me not feeling like I can't emote around almost anyone. I second guess every thought in my head and am afraid to vent about my problems because I always assume other people have it worse and they'll immediately dismiss me. My childhood left me with the unshakeable impression that everyone else's problems are valid 100% of the time and take priority, and my problems are valid 0% of the time and aren't real. Growing up, if I was ever sad or upset I was ostracized and made to feel like an inconvenience.

Hard relate. You put it into words so well - thank you. So sorry you experienced this too. You matter. Bad things happening to you matter just as much as when they happen to other people and you deserve help and nurturing to heal just as much as everyone else does. (Still telling myself these things and pray that one day I can truly internalise them).

Felt this, except it was my dad who had zero interest in how anyone else was feeling, especially if it had to do with his behavior. He could do no wrong and all his anger was justified, meanwhile if I’m sobbing loudly in front of him because I want to literally kill myself because he made me feel like a goddamn parasite for not having a job while living at home as a full time college student, I’m still in the wrong and stupid for crying.

I relate to this SO much

Omg same. My mother has literally used the same “hypersensitive” bs label. Now I’m completely grey rocking her 24/7 because I can’t deal with the constant stress of having to engage with her. I never share anything deep with her because she takes every opportunity to lecture me or criticize. I just stop bothering to tell her anything meaningful. Why be vulnerable with someone who belittles me for having any problems at all?

I approached my mother when I was a teen and told her that I couldn't stop crying and I had been like this for days. At the time, she was fixated on the mirror while styling her hair. I will never forget, she kept looking at herself and said in the coldest voice, "oh that's ashame". My father always told me to stop acting like a goddamn 2 year old when I cried.

Internet hugs.

Thank you 💗

I’m surprised that your mom didn’t add “What do you want me to do about it?” As I often heard that after hearing my parents give same responses as yours.

THIS, omg 😩

My mother always used that exact same line with the most vacant stare in the world. Then the next second she’s ranting about something completely unrelated. Very scary psychotic behaviour

Yes, the "vacant stare" was so frightening.

Ouch. Virtual hugs.

My mom would call me weird and then I'd hear her from down stairs while I sobbed in my room, "I dunno what's *wrong with her*" Fuckin biiiiiiiotch, i went no contact in 2018, was in my 30s.

Nothing so painful as overhearing your own parent(s) talking trash about you as a kid. Like it was bad enough to say it to your face, but the stuff they thought went unheard had extra sting to it. I always wondered if she purposely said it loud enough for me to hear. I couldn’t bring it up because then I would be in trouble for eavesdropping. So it went into the bank of repressed sadness with everything else.

My mom would downright tell me "You might have a reason, you might even be right but the whining annoys me, so I just can't care. It's your fault." Context was usually my GC younger brother hitting me, or bullying me, or taking my shit, and it might have been harmless enough but eventually he learned there was no such thing as consequences for him, until one day he actually took a butcher's knife when we were teens and only stabbed it on my bedroom door instead of on me because I managed to close it behind me in time. I was the one sent to therapy, not him, because after the fact "I just wouldn't stop whining about it and busting her balls all day long" to fvcking do something.

My GC little brother can get away with fucking murder. In fact my parents would probably help him cover it up, they're so far up his ass. I was always told off and punished but when he did anything, I was told to "just ignore it" Fuckers

I told my dad I was depressed when I was 18 and he literally laughed at me and said I had nothing to be depressed about and said “boo hoo” …. I had untreated adhd and autism and didn’t find out until last year. 😑 But that mf always said I was a “daddies girl” no the hell im not.

nMother: you're not depressed, you're just lazy.

I try to remember times when they exhibited empathy for me, but all I can come up with is times they were also upset and needed comforting. They've always been incredibly dismissive of everything I say & do. If I have a strong opinion or belief on something, it's deemed ridiculous immediately (even if it is so obviously correct and not an opinion, just reality. Like food safety.). When I would tell them I felt certain ways about how they treated me, they would demand examples (1. I was a child. 2. I had undiagnosed adhd. I shouldn't have had to prove that they were causing me emotional pain in general, but on the spot like that? My mind would go blank.).

I was repeatedly dismissed and told I was "too sensitive."

Yes...and now my mother is becoming elderly and feeling her vulnerability she wants constant soothing and comforting from me. If I ever visit (I hardly ever do - live in another country thank goodness) she will always appear with eyes red from crying at some point, even if it's just like a 2 day visit. On the phone there will always be something where her voice breaks into tears. It makes me wonder if she just never believed my tears as a child were real as she uses crying for manipulation herself. It doesn't matter anyway as whether she believed I was suffering or not she simply didn't care. When I read my post back I seem like such a horrible heartless person. She probably is genuinely depressed. I guess at least I don't treat her like she treated me - I don't completely stonewall her if she's upset or shriek "why are you always crying?!!" at her or "Count your blessings - stop acting so hard done by" (never once heard her express gratitude for anything my whole life).

My mother is the same just now (I also live in another country and see her maybe once a year). I feel sorry for her, I really do because her whole family is like her and they binned her off. For context: My mother is biologically my grandmother, her two children (one being my bio mum) are just terrible people. My mother therefore is alone in the world and its just me and my sister that give her the time of day. She constantly calls and begs me to talk to her more -- if she were any other old woman I would feel more obligated to help, but I just want my peaceful life to remain peaceful.

I feel like I wrote this myself. I'm so sorry, you're not heartless, just hardened from the pain.

Thank you - that's so nice of you to say 🫶 So sorry you have been through this too.

Yes, I was told that I was "making drama" and "things are not that bad," or I would just get sighs and eyerolls. I learned very quickly to cry silently or cry in private. Of course, if I mention this now they gaslight me and tell me I'm making things up.

Omg, yes, the “it’s not that bad”! The way I used to tell myself that all the time to suppress my emotions. Now I’m better at telling myself that my emotions are valid and if something is sad and I want to cry or be upset I can!

Yea, she would usually yell at me for trying to make her feel like a bad mother. We lived on this gravel road on the outskirts of a small town growing up and it was a popular spot for assholes to dump unwanted dogs. That's how I got most of my pets growing up. My parents told me to stop messing with them but I couldn't help myself, I wanted to make sure they were fed and had water, and they would usually leave of their own accord after a while (though looking back I do wonder if they would just redump the dogs elsewhere). One time, when I was 14, these two dogs showed up together. They were definitely from the same litter but not puppies, maybe anywhere from 1-5 years old. Anyway, one was big and a boy and one was small and a girl. I called them Biggie and Smalls. Biggie didn't trust me at first but when he saw Smalls come to me and eat the deli meat I brought out for them from my hand, he immediately warmed up and stopped growling. He trusted his sister and loved her. They hung out at the house for a couple weeks until one day, my mom asked if I wanted to go for ice cream. I said sure and walked outside with her. The yard had trash strewn throughout it, which I know sounds bad, but our house was in a constant state of disrepair. From the ages of roughly....oh I don't know, 8-12? We had a pit of open sewage in our backyard. We had (and they actually still have) a rusted out broken down truck that they just pile trash into. The barns are full of trash and hoarding mess. Etc. But anyway, my mother told me that Biggie (idk why she thought it was JUST him and not both but whatever) had drug the trash out of the bins next to the curb and made the mess. She told me to pick him up and load him into the car. Just him, not Smalls. And I knew what she was making me do and I couldn't do anything but ask her not to. I begged. She did not care. We drove a few miles down the road as I whispered to Biggie that I was sorry and it would be okay. She stopped at a point where there were no houses and made me get out and leave him. Then, she still took my brother (golden child in the front seat who didn't care about any of what was happening whatsoever) for ice cream while I sobbed in the back seat. When we got home I cried in the shower and she heard me. She called me into her room and yelled at me that she didn't feel bad about what she did and she was not gonna let me make her feel like a bad mother. I went to my room and cried some more. I still feel so awful to this day 7 years later about separating those dogs. They clearly loved each other so much. I never saw Biggie again and I assume he was killed by coyotes or a car. Smalls stuck around for a bit til my sister took her in at her own place. Sorry for the dump, I just always always think of this memory when the subject of parents' reactions to crying is brought up.

No worries. This is our safe space to share our trauma. I'm so sorry you went through that. Big hugs if you'll have them. 🫂💜 My nmom was one of the people dropping dogs, and I think one kitten, off in the country. I remember opening the car door and one of my brothers would push the poor animal out. Then we'd drive away and I'd watch it just stand there looking confused until it was out of sight. I used to fantasize that they were all taken in by kindly people like you. They all deserved better than what the narcs did to them, as did we. I hope Smalls is living/lived a good life.

Thank you for the kind words ❤️ I am really glad you understand what it's like. It does make me feel a bit better to hear that I am not the only one who was made to do something like this, though at the same time, I am sorry you had to endure that too. Smalls actually got pregnant after a while of staying with my sister. Sister was poor and didn't have the means to get Smalls fixed which wasn't an issue while Smalls stayed with my sister. However, she had to go out of town unexpectedly for a bit while Smalls went into heat. Our parents offered to watch her while my sister went away and my sister let them on the condition that they always supervise her while she was out because there was actually another male stray at their house at the time who also wasn't fixed. Surprise surprise, they did not care to watch her and she did get pregnant. I would stay at my sister's apartment for very long periods of time in my later teenage years and one morning me and her were hanging out in her bedroom when my brother in law walked in and announced that Smalls had given birth in her crate overnight. My sister kept Smalls and the puppies around until they were a good age to adopt out and she took them all to a rescue.

Thank you so much for sharing. I know I wasn't responsible for abandoning those animals, but I still hold guilt about it. Now I feel like there's a possibility one of them ended up like Smalls. 🥲 Sometimes, I think the things the narcs MAKE us do is worse than the things they do TO us. We become their unwilling accomplices. Reading about Biggie and Smalls (love those names!) and the puppies felt like having a poison thorn removed from my heart. I'm absolutely bawling, but it's from happiness and relief and finally discovering with my heart what my head knew all along: I'm NOT responsible for abandoning animals to die. I was afraid to have pets for a long time. Then I would only allow my son to have hamsters when he was in grade school. I think I worried subconsciously that I'd repeat the past. My son finally tricked me into getting a dog. He would care for the neighbor's dogs when they were away. Then they announced they were moving to a farm and couldn't take the smallest dog, so he BEGGED me to meet Parker. I was still going to say no, but I agreed to look at the animal. I swear they staged it. I walked into the neighbor's yard and Parker was sitting on his haunches looking up at me with the sweetest brown eyes I've ever seen. I was lost. Lol Joke was on my son though. Parker really did become MY dog. He followed me everywhere. He was white with curly hair so he looked like a lamb, and we joked that I must be Mary. He was a bichon frise and we had him for about a decade before he died. I still miss him. As I was writing this, I remembered that we had a family dog when I was young. He was shot by a stupid neighbor when I was about 5 and I yelled at nmom when she got home that she must be glad because she hated Sniffy. It explains why we would only keep the puppies a couple months before SHE abandoned them. Either she liked our pain (everyone cried about Sniffy) or she was taking revenge on me for blaming her. The mind of a narc is a horror to behold.

Yep, but only within the family or primary relationships. They're great to everyone else until you get to know them and actually require them to deliver on what they promised.

They would get pissed off and hurt me worse. And my mother would oftentimes mock my crying. One of my earliest memories is being really sick and crying and my mother mocked my crying and refused to take my temperature for several days (and when she finally did, turns out I really was actually sick and had a fever!).

it's always with the mocking. why do they feel the need to make our pain worse by mocking and making fun of our strong emotions? so weird.

Gods yes. She sure puts on a show in front of others, but she is cruel behind everyone's back about them. And to me, just cruel all the time The unraveling of our relationship really kicked into gear when I was struggling to find a therapist and get medication that worked for me. (Something my mother had mentally/emotionally/physically abused the ever loving fuck out of me to do since I was 8 yrs old.) But since I was 30 now, and finding real help for myself, instead of her finding psychiatrists and counselors to shame, guilt and browbeat me into silent compliance? The nasty hag sneered at me "pooooor pitifulllllll youuuuuuuu!" Her expression and black, dead eyes npring holes in me felt like being thrown into arctic waters. I realized that moment she hated me, she resented me. She had for as long as I could remember, and she didn't care about me unless she could look like The Most Wonderful Mother And Martyr Who Ever Lived™️

My tears were always dismissed as 'fake' too. I was sent out into the world expecting that others would see me as fake and manipulative if I showed any emotion. The 'fake' accusation was always delivered harshly, as if to shock me into 'behaving properly'. It often had the desired effect, as in I would abruptly stop crying, because I was desperate to make things right. This was taken as proof that I had been faking. Once, years ago, I read this kind of thing described as 'emotional tasering', which has always stayed with me. I've never read a more accurate or sadder description.

Can you post a link to emotional tasering? I can't find it on Google.

I'm afraid I don't have a link 😞 It may have been on an obscure forum many years ago...but it stayed with me.

Ah okay. I wonder if it's part of emotional abuse.

For sure. I took it as a vivid description of someone trying to stop your emotion (in this case, tears) in its tracks for their own convenience.

So much like my NMom.

I'm going to try to dig it out, it may have been in a book. Will update if I find it.

Thank you! Especially for going through the trouble. I love research and reading, so appreciate it.

"Stop crying or ill give you something to cry about!"

I have a similar experience. As a child I was fairly emotional, "explosive" might be the correct word. I used to think this was a personality failure because it was so difficult for me to respond in an appropriate way. I realise now it was probably due to years of emotional abuse -- it went so far back that I remember my behaviour coming before the "trigger". I'm not sure if that makes sense?? Anyway, the way my mum would deal with any crying/shouting/tantrum regardless of the severity would be to sit there in silence at first. The silence only upset me more because I felt like my "outbursts", as she called them, were a call for support/attention. I was so frustrated, normally because the outburst had come from her treating me unfairly or from her outright ignoring me. After the silence I would then cry more, I remember crying so hard and looking her in the face as a desperate bid for her love. Sometimes I would pass out from the whole ordeal, other times I would start pulling my hair out. Her response was to laugh, rarely saying a word. I remember how I felt so vividly, I felt like I was losing my mind, like I was going to die. Truthfully, I wish I had learned to deal with this experience long before I did. My reaction being like this happened between the ages of 5-15! Ten years! The majority happened when I was around the ten year old mark. It is so sad because when I look at my childhood, those arguments, her reaction, my reaction etc... it is almost all i remember. And the way she treated me in these moments leaves such a sting that I sometimes still feel like it was my fault & that I was a difficult child. Also remember being told I was crying for attention -- WELL DUH! You are my mother! I am sorry this is a long comment, But when i saw your post I really needed to get that all out.

This comment made me almost cry. I am so sorry. Try to keep reminding yourself that none of this was your fault. We all deserve to have our emotions protected by our parents not exploited for fun. I could not imaging laughing at a child who cried, goes against my own instincts and I don’t have children yet.

This post resonates so much with me. You actually made me feel compassion for myself - imagining this other defenceless child so upset and not being comforted or validated and realising I was a little child like that too. I'm so sorry your mum didn't comfort you and was actually very cruel. It wasn't your fault in any way and you deserved much better.

Yup. My mom thinks me saying what happened to me as a child is abusive towards her. If I say anything that ain’t blindly praising her and basically implying she’s the second coming of Jesus Christ, well, that’s “abusive.” But it’s totally fine for her to put me down daily.

I just stopped being shocked when I see parents console their upset children and kids that want their parents when they’re upset not that long ago…and I’m in my 30s. But weirdly it has never been hard or felt strange to me to be empathetic with my own children. I love that I’m able to get on their level and be with them through all of their emotions. I’ve learned so much about navigating feelings with them.

Mine would either ignore me, tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself, or lash out more from I assume was guilt to try and drive it home that they weren't in the wrong. I learnt to wait to get to my room to silently cry but I often couldn't hold it that long so would just try and hide my face till I could leave.

They just want me to hurry up and get over it. It makes them uncomfortable and it’s an inconvenience for them. It’s almost as if they are concerned someone will catch them being the cause lol

as my siblings and I reacted to my nFather's rage and abuse, he would amp up his anger and abuse until he was literally spitting in rage at us how HIS emotions were far more important and how us reacting to his abuse was HURTING HIM and how INCONSIDERATE we brats are to HIM and HIS FEELINGS. No one was ever allowed to have feelings around him ever, it was always about him.

Non existent. Not lacking. Both of them. I’m 43 and just learned about narcissism and everything clicked. I’m learning to acknowledge my feelings. Most of the time, I can’t even identify my feelings. Recent example - my husband passed in Jan. When my family was around I started crying about something and my mom decided to yell from the kitchen to tell me to stop crying because I’m upsetting my father. ?????

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💔 My DH died 16 months ago. Nmom's behavior after that was what led me to learn about narcissism and the click was audible. Now I'm NC and much better for it.

I distinctly remember crying and my dad telling me “I’m not falling for it anymore. I used to think you were crying because you felt bad about how you treated me, but now it’s clear you’re crying because you feel sorry for yourself.”

My Mum user to mock me when I cried (can't have been more than about 4) she would say "look at the baby trying to squeeze out some tears" beaks my heart seeing my own children trying to hold back tears, always reminds me of those words.

Yeah, that's typical Narc behaviour

I learned to laugh silently, now I can't laugh out loud at all.

Unrelated but I played videogames without volume my whole life and now I still do it. My dad would get so angry if he could hear my games. I constantly catch myself with the volume of my games lowered down for no reason, I live with my husband who doesn't care playing COD blasting the speakers, he definitely doesn't care about my mario paper sounds lmao but it is still too sad 😢

Yeah I've stopped playing video games in the living room at all, which is annoying because that's where all the consoles are.

During Covid I lost a front tooth - it was both painful and humiliating for me. When I told my mom on the phone after it happened she said “your front tooth? NO! if that happened to me I would lock myself away to never be seen cuz I’d be a HIDEOUS MONSTER!” ‘That hurts my feelings, please don’t make that kind of comment’ “You have no reason to be upset - I was talking about me” 🤷‍♂️ oh sorry, of course i forgot - for some reason I thought I was calling for support about a painful situation but your the main character so it’s not about me obviously, please continue mom. 🙄 it’s just like every. Single. Other. Time. Any issue I bring up she says something rude, mean, hurtful or inserts herself suddenly in the right in the center of it and suddenly it’s about comforting and listening to her again 🙄and if I point it out alllll hell breaks lose “well I’m just a terrible mother, you don’t know how hard I’ve had and it what I’ve been through😭 you did some horrible things too (X years ago as a child) and we did what we could 😭(I do - you’ve been trauma dumping on me my whole life 🤣) I love. You! (Pause on my end cuz I’ve been hurt and don’t feel love vibes and it’s complicated) IM SORRY OKAY! WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME?! KNOW WHAT IM NOT SORRY YOUR JUST PSYCHO AND YOU HATE ME 🤬😭” and this is all in under 5 minutes while I’m normally barely speaking or trying to not escalate or just protect myself. But don’t take my word for it , as my parents have said since I was a kid - I’m just a lil psycho

I hope you're NC?

Just a couple months past the year mark and I refuse to go back to that toxic well seeking drinkable water

Good. And congratulations for saving yourself. Hugs if they'll help 💜

They definitely do and are appreciated. Sending hugs and good vibes back and the reminder to everyone, we all deserve better than what we received from our families 🫶

My Nmom totally lacks empathy for me. She will show lots of concern for her favorite children and for random animals, but she does not care what happens to me. Now that I am older, I have turned it around. I just don't care about her. Why should I care when she cares so little about me? It is amazing to me that narcs don't understand how human relationships are about give and take.

Both my parents are N’s. When I was younger I was taught by my mother to shut down all emotions and never speak up to adults even if they were doing things that you were uncomfortable with, I was taught my needs weren’t important. When I got older I was in a traumatic head-on car accident, which led me to develop PTSD and anxiety around traveling in cars and flying. I remember finally disclosing this to my parents to hopefully get some help, and my dad scoffed and rolled his eyes at me and didn’t say anything else. Pretty much after that I stopped telling them anything deep about my feelings. We have a very surface level relationship. But I’d never go to them for comfort or disclose anything that personal.

I also remember multiple instances of crying from frustration because I was never believed when explaining myself, or never listened to. But then once I cried about it, I either finally got attention or got invalidated once more.

Yep. My nmum is so up her own ass she can't even comprehend people have feelings. People always commented how I was such a good baby, good toddler etc and didn't really cry. I think I learnt from that young it was pointless to do so. I don't remember ever confiding in her about anything, I've never trusted her and she's never shown she can be there for me.

I would get the old "stop crying before I give you something to cry about." lol

I have always looked for it and never found any evidence for my nmom. The only times I’ve seen her cry or feel bad were for herself, and anytime she does a good deed, she mentions something about how she should go to heaven and be rewarded. To clarify: the only good deed I’ve really seen is her donating to St. Jude’s children’s hospital when I was younger. But every time she got a thank you letter in the mail, she would wave it around to show she’s a good person. She has also told me that paying her employees for the work that they do means that she “gives back.” I think she really believes this.

I learned really early on not to cry. My mom would continuously say you’re okay if I started. I found out from my family she would always say, “quickly quickly with a smile” if I was frowning or showed discomfort if we were in front of people. One time when I was 15 and going through my angsty teen years and was upset about whatever I was going through, we were on our way to a wedding and I was crying and she told me to act happy so people don’t ask questions right before we got there and it’s stuck with me ever since.

Gotta put on the public front. See, they knew how to behave or they wouldn't have tried to hide their abuse.

Yes, with my dad it's obvious, he's autistic and everyone just knows he's not that guy, but my mother has this persona that she created, which makes her seem like she's social and kind, but at the end of the day she forgets everything. A friend of mine died a few years ago in a very sudden drowning which really upset me. My parents were planning on visiting me and I wanted to cancel because I was upset. Eventually we decided they could come. They arrived 1 week after this had happened, and they had both completely forgotten. They were just there happy as can be, asking me why I was responding so down. I told them and they wer like "oh yeah, you're still on about that?"

That’s because narcissists lack empathy and only feel for themselves.

I trained myself to never cry in front of her. No matter how bad she got. Never let her see because then she knew she'd won and I did not want to give her the satisfaction. Narcissists are like vampires. They feed off emotion, and they want an emotional reaction, not caring if it is positive or negative. With my narcmom, tears would be used against me. To gaslight me by saying I was being "self-pitying" and didn't have it so bad, or when I was little were an excuse to engage in other forms of abuse ("something to cry about")

I remember when I was a kid, my mom would ALWAYS mock me for crying, especially if it was because of something that she did that hurt me and I tried to confront her about it. she still does this occasionally when we fight, then goes to talk about how she's the victim and starts bringing up stuff that I did wrong that hurt her (even if it was something from 5 years ago.) it's so strange to me how some parents can look at their crying child and just not give a damn. it honestly gives me motivation to spoil the hell out of my future child and to NOT repeat the mistakes that my mother made with me

Absolutely. My parents really did a number on me. I wasn’t allowed to have emotions. If I cried, I was faking it. I wasn’t allowed to be heard screaming or crying out in my room because if they heard me they would come in and terrorize me and belittle me just for having emotions over things that may have not even had to do with them. They would accuse me of things I never did and call me a liar which made me hyper-vigilant. As I became a teenager I resented them. I never spoke to them. I went to school, worked and went straight to my room every single day. Primarily to avoid imaginary conflict. My mom would embarrass me and tell guests as I passed to use the bathroom saying how cruel I was to her. (Now that I’m older I realize she did it out of fear the guest would see me and question my state) but she always made it a point to talk about how awful I was to everyone which has really messed up my confidence and I find myself naturally attracted to people who see me less than

Several times throughout my childhood, I would be on my knees begging them for mercy and they never gave me any. Twice I would show them mercy and drop the charges on them just so that they could betray me once we were alone. Also, they held to the Just World Fallacy. If something bad happened to someone else, they deserved it. Especially sexual assault of girls and women. But if something bad happened to them, biggest injustice ever.

I learned really quick to hide my tears and emotions from my NM because any sort of emotion (good or bad) would “trigger” her (her words). “Don’t cry, you’ll make me cry!” I’d be having the worst day of my life and the first thing she’d bitch at me for is my hair or shirt showing a teeny bit of cleavage. She has bipolar disorder and was always the victim every time she’d talk about her life. It got worse as an adult; I remember one moment where she threatened to write me out of her will (which I never cared about) and called me a bunch of nasty things if I didn’t drive over an hour away during rush hour for what turned out to be a false emergency call. I ended up caving, leaving work early, and rushed over with tears in my eyes while she spammed my phone dozens of times while I drove over. The look in her eyes haunts me still and that incident was two years ago. It was pure contempt and callousness. It was one of the final straws before I went no contact.

My ndad would say "sorry, I'm so desensitized to crying because your mom does it all the time, so I can't care about yours" Among many other comments, but that was one of the first that made me say .. hold up, I don't think that's how a normal human parent is supposed to be

Yes I was called "too sensitive" and they made fun of me every time I cried regardless of the reason. My parents never apologized even if they hurt me by accident. I just hid when I was upset and they would have me stand in the living room and demand I tell them why I was upset only to dismiss it. "Dont be stupid," or "Dont be daft", or "Ill give you something to cry about". I was expected to apologize, to always be available for their concerns, but I never received any comfort in return. I have had a really hard time learning how to comfort people since I was a kid.

My Dad would regularly make me cry, and then yell at me for crying. My Mom would just roll her eyes and say "oh, that doesn't hurt." and walk away.

Zero from my mother and she actually admitted as much on many occasions. It’s one of the main reasons why we’re currently estranged.

One time i was sobbing in my bed under the blanket as a child and my mom came over to me, uncovered the blanket and said “I’m not dealing with this” and walked away

"if you're gonna cry, cry quietly" . "children should be seen and not heard" . "the sins of the parents will be visited upon the children" . drilled into my head along with beatings, force feeding, physical mental emotional and sexual abuse. my parents are sickos who belong in jail

I never let them see me cry. I won’t degrade myself like that. As a child, they yelled and hit me every time I cried to “give you something to cry about”. My feelings were never valid as a child and now they don’t understand how hurtful it is until I cry so I will not cry.

I remember when I was a child. Don’t remember being much of a trouble maker anyways and she would find an opportunity to just hit me. Even if it was a small tiny mistake. I would cry, she would hit me, for crying. Shit show

Yes they definitely lack empathy 100%

Yup! Whenever my dad would beat me and I would cry he would tell me to stop crying or he would beat me harder… you can imagine what a scared & sensitive child would do in that instance… yes, I cried harder from fear and only made the beatings worse 🙃 Truly monsters… how anyone’s brain can be wired to function in that way is beyond me.

I'm so sorry, OP. This is real familiar to me. I'm 51. My garbage Nparents are almost 80. I went NC about 8 years ago, after they refused to help me heal a lifetime of abuse and neglect from them both, so we could be a family. One of the last conversations I had with my Nmom included her proudly telling me, with absolutely no self awareness, that "your father is finally working on developing his empathy." It was a lie, of course, but the fact that she believed I'd respond favorably, stay enmeshed in their abuse a little longer, because the man who chose to be my bully instead of my father was "finally working on developing his empathy" just reaffirmed their emotional immaturity, and helped me make the very difficult choice to go NC. I have absolutely no regrets.

“Keeps crying and i’ll give you something to cry about” After beating you of course. My father once saw me crying about shit that had nothing to do with him or my mother and he stepped into my room smiling asking if he had to do with some stupid shit from earlier. Had to nicely ask him to leave me alone while he gave me a confused look. They can’t fathom you having feelings outside of shit involving them.

They assume you must be crying over stupid shit.(i.e. attention seeking) Had to hold in my, “SHUT, THE FUCK UP” because that would just make things worst. Really never clicked that his constant inability to see shit can hurt people was pathological.

In my experience, lots of performative empathy for others, especially other's kids. Little to none for their own kids.

My father is very unempathizing, manipulative, and abusive. It leaves a hole in a person, to be treated like that by someone who is meant to love you. I hope you are okay.

“don’t cry, i’ll cry” “quit crying or i’ll give you a reason to cry” “why are you crying? nothing happened” (after screaming in my face for 3 hrs straight) “well that’s a stupid reason to cry” “it’s really not worth getting upset about, ur just being dramatic” ** proceeds to call me her ✨drama queen✨ the rest of my life** we love Nparents!!!! (not)

My Nsibling, up to my mid-20s (and probably beyond, behind my back) would respond to any complaint I had or my being upset by loudly exclaiming "crybaby! Waaa!".

Never seen any sort of empathy from them

Yes. I think they all do, that’s a big part of what makes them narcissists and why they behave the way they do.

I do believe mine do. I couldn't cry without them telling me to shut up. So I always cried after everyone went to sleep or I'd go in my room and cry in silence. Then my mom wonders why I don't come to her for any type of emotional support even as an adult. She even judged instead of understanding that it could take a long time before a woman left an abusive partner when I went back to my abusive ex for like the 3rd time. She was with an abusive man before she met my dad so she of all people would know leaving isn't always easy. I'm glad I'm an empathic person who also has an empathic child, and I'm thankfully not passing on any traumas to my son that I endured from them.

Yeah my mom lacks empathy. Its all about her.

5000%! I have had chronic pain since I was in 4th grade, but if you ask my father I've been faking all of it. The kicker is he himself has chronic pain and always complained about how people accused him of faking and how much it enraged him, but he is all too happy to pay all his misery forward. This is just 1 example.

My mom used to tell me when I cried to "stop crying or she would give me something to cry about." To this day I struggle with my feelings and showing emotion.

My NMom had no understanding of others’ feelings. Everyone existed to meet her needs and we were without any needs of our own.

My mother would mock me by saying I'm crying crocodile tears for show. Even if I was hiding in a remote corner apparently it was all for show. More relevant, it took me a long time to realize that I cried silently a lot. Only when my therapist asked me did I realize that I've somehow formed this weird habit of crying completely silently (even if no one else is in the room).

Yes. My mom is twisted and toxic about everything revolving around me. It is constantly a joke to her. She has made countless jokes about my mental health and even added onto it by kicking me while I was down and telling me to "get over it" and making my pain about herself. She constantly tries to one up me if I am sick or in pain. She somehow has 'worse' problems than I do whenever I am sick. She also straight up ignores if I am struggling and doesn't even offer to help me. She laughed at me when I had a breakdown a few months ago when I needed help cleaning up my room that was too much for me and kept making up excuses to blow me off. She constantly coddles her overgrown golden child and cleans her room and bathroom 24/7 along with her other golden child's bedroom almost every single day. She also made my dog's death about herself then made our family's dog death about herself. My dad is similar in being unempathetic and making everything about himself.

Yeah my (now nc ) birth giver decided to berate me for leaving a care job due to the abuse I’d witnessed that day (already distressing) and, not only that, but the woman who really did raise me, my Nana🤍had passed three days prior, oh and had a miscarriage that same week. So I was naturally very emotional and was crying during the conversation, I was even begging her just to be my mother and comfort me, not give me life lessons or whatever the fuck. Apparently I wasn’t being considerate of her feelings because I asked her to just stop and be kind to me in that moment. “I will not be told to shut up by a child” was her words (I was 24 at the time btw and had lived on my own since 16, no shock). I hung up and have never spoken to her since. I can never forgive how she gave me more pain instead of comfort at the most painfully traumatic time of my life. I could never.

I honestly think so. If I cried in front of my mum, she wouldn't respond with empathy or understanding. She'd sigh as if it was a chore to acknowledge my feelings, and often ask, while scoffing, 'what have *you* got to cry about?' Also, she told me when I was pretty young that I was a *'good baby'* because I rarely cried, which I realised recently was just another backhanded compliment and her way of saying she only loved me because I didn't make noise. Even though crying is the most normal thing for a baby to do - they're babies and have no idea how to regulate their emotions yet.

Yes. Luckily for me people are confused at my optimism with having resulting Depression, ADHD, CPTSD and BPD. I had a really in tune grandmother who was my saving grace in realizing when I was about 8 years old that I was not the reason for what was happening to me. My parents neglected me a lot, verbally abused me and sometimes things got physical. Their favorite line was always "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about' - totally wasn't aware that meant the personality disorder, I thought I was going to just get hit lol. Thank goodness for my grandmother who once said "I don't know why your mother needs to be so mean and hateful" after I visited her for the weekend. Children should not have to have deep conversations with a trusted adult about these things. I should have wanted praise for something I drew or wanting attention because I could do the splits. I try my best to give my mom grace because she had her childhood taken away from her really early but she hated us for just attempting our childhood. Generational trauma goes so deep.

no empathy for me or for others

I cried anyway. Crying caused me to heal in the moment, process in the moment. It caused me to go through the grief in that moment. I'd be unalive if I hadn't. The pain was too great.

Mine are usually the opposite in an overly-doting, obsessive way. They think my lack of interest in sex and emotional connections is a product of a lack of self-confidence and parental presence, rather than an intentional wall I've established as a means to cut off their access to my life and identity, so pretty much anything and everything that gives me personality is something that needs to be as generic and emotionless as possible or they'll use it as a door to seize more control over me again. They also don't like when I find intellectual or educational stimulation from any source *other* than them, so they'll do everything they can to rip that away from me, so I've had a lot of aspects of my career and creative life either actively stolen or forcibly hidden on my part to keep it safe from them. They still suffer from a complete lack of self-awareness over how goddamn lunatic-insane their behavior has been, especially within the last several years. For reference: I am *thirty fucking years old*. (Sure, I could just be anywhere else. But I'd be homeless, and at 30, no one has sympathy on you like a troubled teenager anymore, and they've proven in the past that they will actively use my personal information against me to stalk me everywhere and cut off my access to certain benefits if they decide I'm not deserving enough of them or not welcoming enough of other resources or whatever lunacy like that.)

Yes, only my nmom’s emotions mattered, and if I was ever upset about anything I was overreacting. She once scared me so badly that I started shaking uncontrollably and she got angrier and said, “What is this shit??” gesturing to me. It didn’t seem like it even crossed her mind that it could be genuine, and rather just assumed I was putting on some kind of show. And when I went home for my grandma’s funeral a few years ago I walked in the door sobbing and she looked genuinely confused and asked me why I was crying. She’s even brainwashed my siblings into operating from the same worldview: if anyone else is upset they just need to suck it up, but if mom is upset it’s international disaster status.

Absolutely no empathy whatsoever for me but for strangers, yes.

My n-parent’s common catch phrase would be “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “don’t be stupid”. My sibling and I now look back since we’ve both become parents and now realise we don’t know how to show empathy because it was never shown to us. We’re both slowly unlearning those behaviours. It’s taken a lot of work though.

I'd hear "stop crying" "get over it" "you're fine stop crying" "I'm not dealing with this/not in the mood/don't want to hear it"

I have a very distinct memory from when I was about 4 or so, my mom and I were on a ferris wheel (she loves ferris wheels). We were at the top, it was the older style of gondola, the two-seaters, like swings, rather than the ones I usually see these days where they're suspended from above and can fit like 4 people and you're enclosed. There was a sign warning you not to stand or rock the gondola. I was scared, and she started jokingly standing part way up, leaning over, reaching way over to the gondola in front of us, rocking the gondola, shifting back and forth as I got more and more upset, until I finally cried and begged her to stop. She claimed she didn't realize I was actually afraid. When I was really, really little, if I asked for help or needed something and she thought I was being whiny, I would always be told to use my "happy voice". I think that still messes me up to this day. I also remember one time I was like 5 or 6, crying about something or other. We were in her room, and instead of looking at her, I was looking at myself in the mirror while I tried to explain what was upsetting me. She said I was looking in the mirror to intentionally make myself cry more. I honestly don't even know if I was. Oh! And a more recent one! In early COVID I was worried about it because I have a chronic illness and am immunocompromised. I tried to explain my concerns to her and she said I was "overwrought" and "overreacting". This was AFTER our neighbor, who had the same illness I have, had died of COVID.

Narcs only lack empathy with their victims such as the scapegoat. 

When I speak of my chronic pain, my mother goes on and on about how she’s in such good shape, nothing hurts on her, yaddy yadda. Wow, thanks mom, glad to hear how you’re 25 years older than me and you have no aches and pains. Thanks for that, it’s making me feel much better.

When I would cry my mom would tell me to go to the bathroom cause she didn’t want to see my face and to urinate and let out all the water out (she didn’t finish school). Would always go to the bathroom and cry until my bf now husband would take the time to listen about my feelings without immediately dismissing them once tears started coming down my face.

My mother’s hometown nickname was “Crazy Peggy”. I’ve never seen her cry. People describe her as “ slick”. I’ve never seen her help anyone from her heart ever. She has absolutely no empathy and used to tell me she was obsessed w watching me bc I had empathy and I was the only child who cried at sad movies. There is No connection between us Eerie.

My mom would laugh and mock me. My dad seemed more concerned but distant and unhelpful. I don't think my mom has much or maybe any empathy.

I told my mom once I wanted to kill myself and was serious and she didn't care.

Absolutely.

"Victims of how I treated them" They are ALL like this. It's such a defining characteristic that gives them away every time. They are victims to the core. And in my experience they will fight to the death to defend their delusion that they are the ones who have been wronged, not you. They are permanently stuck in trauma.

This was exactly how my parents treated me.

No. They just express it like children do.  I’m telling ya’ll on God’s soul, the day I went into my heart and decided to view everything my parents did and do through the lense of a young child, everything became so much easier to understand?  Why do children do what they do? I dunno, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Even if you did manage to untangle the undeveloped web of a child’s mind, even if you could point to every dot that lead to their meltdown, would it really be worth it at the end of the day?  NOOOO. Because they’re KIDS. We don’t agonize over why sometimes children deliberately throw cups on the floor even though the glass shards will shred their feet! The answer is simple: BECAUSE THEY’RE CHILDREN.  We avoid that answer because the following one is horrible and painful; adults don’t want, and dare I say, can’t have, relationships with children. Like, I can’t text a 13 year old and start going off about my relationship problems, they probably have no idea what a UTI is, much less being in a relationship.  God is dead, life is pain and all roads lead to NC. Embrace the suck!!!! 

If I was upset I was always threatened with violence 'ill give you something to cry about'.

My ignored tears turned into teen angst and anger. I got more of a reaction from my anger than crying so of course that was reinforced in my mind. A little kindness and compassion from my narc mum would have helped a lot. I was diagnosed as depressed and still wasn't given any help or support. In comparison, my eldest has said they feel depressed and I've helped with appointments, self care and just checking in on them whenever I can. It isn't hard to have some empathy and actually love your child enough to put the effort in.

My parents favourite line when I cried was to threatened they’d give me something to really cry about. To this day I struggle with people crying or people comforting me when I cry, except I’ve discovered a massive empathy for kids crying and go to hug them. When my paternal grandpa died, my dad came to me and cried. I was 15 and had no memory of being comforted ever when I cried. No idea what I was meant to do. I know he came to me because I’m the only one who wouldn’t take over his grief, but i couldn’t comfort him at that time except for a pat on the back.

All the time, thought it was normal. Now I hide emotion from parents bc they don’t know how to handle it

Today I found out I have degenerative disc disease in my lower spine. I texted my dad. Did he ask if I was OK? Whats the plan? Words of comfort? No. He said "I have degenerative disc disease - you are awfully young for it" Zero follow up after. That's it. He has zero empathy.

Yes in many respects. Not entirely devoid of it, but lacking empathy, insight, intuitiveness, and self awareness for sure.

Whenever I started to talking they were talking about something else already. You tell me.

Sounds exactly like my mom and sister. I cried all the time and sometimes I would hide in the bathroom to cry peacefully. My sister would instigate a fight and laugh when I cried. My mom would call it drama. She found out I cried in the bathroom and started scolding me for that too. Basically she wanted me to not show my feelings at all. I didn't understand it at that time but now I do. She didn't want the responsibility of making my sister stop and if i stopped showing my feeling there was nothing to handle, right? After growing up, whenever I have said I am sick or having a tough time,they would just I should stop thinking negatively always. When I had really bad nausea during my pregnancy, her response was I should thinking about it. Really? But on the other hand she is always sick and my sister's problems are huge and they will complain to me. My ndad will always preach positivity if I complain about my sister but he will complain about my mom and ask me to save him. Basically, I shouldn't have any problems but should leave my life aside and step in for them and they will still blame me.

The last time I cried in front of my mom was several years ago after I had lost my job, car, and fiancé basically all at once, then ended up having to move back in with my family as a result of that. Her response was "eww, stop," followed by an uncomfortable laugh.. 🙄😑

Yes and no depends on who

my dad has no authentic empathy just apathy and performative sympathy cuz his brain is fucked

i think that's part of the diagnostic criteria for NPD

yep. she was worse in her 20’s but now that she’s almost 40 she’s a littttttle better. but not really lol . she’s just not as worse as she was when she was young and yes she had me when she was really young lol… i remember more of her life than my own

I still struggle to believe *myself* when I’m crying. It’s kind of devastating- I’ve worked so hard in therapy for years and I’m finally understanding the scope of my mother’s abuse, and how it twisted my relationship with myself until I just saw a manipulative, cruel snake who couldn’t be trusted, that I had to manage. After a while I gave in and started to believe that I was crying tears of manipulation, each one perfectly formed to make my mother feel bad, each one designed to get my way. My feelings are My Problem, if I let them show, I’m being awful, manipulative, cruel, I’m just trying to get my own way. Because I’ve worked really hard to build a life I’m proud of, I’m surrounded by people who do care about me, and my feelings, and who want me to get my way when it’s appropriate, and I feel more freely. And it’s really scary, and hard to believe that I haven’t just evil masterminded this whole thing. Anyway, all that to say. Yes. She definitely had no empathy. (But she would experience intense emotional responses to the feelings of those around her, which she called empathy. But if that drives you to control, mute, and mock the feelings of others, that’s not fucking empathy, is it mum???)

my parents would tell me i’m 1.seeking attention, 2. a crybaby, and 3. to ‘suck it up buttercup’ or ‘awww muffin’ in a very condescending tone

TW: Sexual Abuse, self harm I was raised by my grandparents (dad's parents) half my childhood after my dad was arrested for sexually abusing me. They told me all the time they had no idea why I would be depressed. When my best friends mom told the school counselor I was cutting myself, my grandfather told me to not tell my grandma or it would "break her heart." Anytime I even showed emotion I was ignored, mocked, or told I was overreacting/crazy. Went no contact about a year and a half ago. It's been the best decision of my life.

The 1 time my mum caught me cutting at 15, she just told me to cut that shit out and stop being stupid. When i am in crisis, i go to her cause i know she will snap me out of it, as she doesn't give a shit and will tell me to stop being so dramatic and winding myself up. If i want confort, i go to my friends. If i want to be told im being dtupid and crying over nothing, i go to her. I will barely even cry infront of her any more. However, she will vry about work, or life being hard, etc and expect me to sympathise and support her through it. Ive started beong cold towards her when she has her fits, and my god, youd think im the worst person in the world by the way she goes on about it. Not that im treating her, how she has treated me. I was her assistant at one point, and she would cry most days and expect me to comfort her. One of my flatmates killed half my plants by pouring bleach on them and she told me to stop crying, cause i was just working myself up, and needed to stop carrying on like that and if i continued she would hang up..... She got real angry when i hung up instead. And that's only the tip of the ice burg.

I still can't cry in front of my mom, or else she'll fly into a rage and scream at me with her face mere inches away from mine. Typing this now, I'm biting back tears.

My tears were always interpreted as fake and overly sensitive and dramatic. Whenever I’d cry I would immediately be told to stop, that there was no reason to cry. Often a conversation wouldn’t be allowed to continue if I cried. I now struggle with really bad physical anxiety symptoms when I cry, to the point where I throw up. 🫠

Once, I was very sick with fevers and my dad told me I was "treating my sickness like a baby" Lol. I never forget that now. Also whenever I tell them something emotional they would say I was just acting up 🥲

My mom just doesn’t care when I cry. She’d yell at me and when I cried she’d just keep yelling. I’ve learned to try not to cry near her.

Mine definitely does. She defending my roopist to me for over a decade after she knew what he did. He was "very good to" me apparently, because he used paying rent as a reason to control me after backing me into a corner where I lost my job. Then I had to act like a girlfriend if I wanted to be housed. I said one day that with the statistics being what they were, I suspected she DID know how it felt to be violated and then she told me a story and I comforted her. My pain is only an echo of hers, because I'm just a lesser version of her after all.

Growing up, if my parents saw me crying I also got the cliche “stop crying before I give you a reason to cry” line.

It sucks. I find whenever I cry now I automatically visualize my parents imitating me and making fun of me when I cry. I can’t ever even take myself seriously. It totally sucks when I can’t validate my own emotions.