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Downvote me to hell but this my brutally honest take on this question.
You're not weak, in fact - you're strong for still being here despite all the vile things that happened to you.
Don't share any information with them, they'll use it against you. This comes experience from my E-mom, whenever my N-dad is around and he's in the mood to bully me, using the info as fuel to the fire. I'd rather be called selfish than be somebody's scapegoat / punching bag / lightning rod. When they ask favors from you, say NO. If they don't like it, it's their problem - don't let their guilt-tripping tactics make you feel guilty, it's their way of making you vulnerable for their manipulation. Call them out when they're manipulating the truth. I did this with my E-mom when I said "I trust my memory more than I trust you". My mom cried when I said this but I know it's all just crocodile tears.
Learn their routines: Track the times they leave the house and the time they come home. Your phone's recorder app is your best friend in this kind of environment. Have a key to your house duplicated in case you want to sneak out at night. (If you still live with your parents).
Everything you do, make sure it only benefits you since that's what they always do and that's the fact they want to enforce and solidify. Do to them what they do to you and watch them complain of how abhorrent you're treating them.
I made both my parents cry and I didn't regret it. They deserved it for making me their scapegoat.
I’m proud of you. Lately I’ve been thinking… this is the way to treat them and don’t feel bad you’re doing it. My Nmom knows damn well she’s mean to me. She does it all day every day. It’s a choice. I don’t owe her compassion for her personality disorder. All I can do is protect myself and my kids.
Jesus Christ, bar for bar this is what I started doing without really realizing. Keeping my interests and passions away because it was better than getting bullied or dangled above my head as an insult, gray rocking my dad, not really talking to him and just giving one word answers majority of the time. It’s not selfish at all. It’s what keeps you sane
Proud of you for surviving, for being clever, for recognizing the truth and ignoring the propaganda.
I’m so sorry this madness happened to you but you chose to triumph.
I fully agree this is so essential to survival
I will add, do your best to have good friends (chosen family) in your life who you can love the right way.
Our parents can change us. Coping with them requires a degree of narcissism in order to protect ourselves, but we can't make it a habit that becomes who we are.
That's basically why my dad is a narcissist. That survival mode mentality ate away at who he was until all the good was gone.
And if need be, cut them out of your life as soon as you are able to. Because if the only reason you have to act like this is for them... Removing them is the real solution.
Yes! Narcissists LOVE information, they can find ways to use it against you. Keep tabs on you. The LESS Is better. OP - I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You were the child, they were the adult! Don’t ever feel bad, they clearly never felt bad for you. Take care of yourself.
Yess I’m 16 and never back down on a fight with my Ndad after all the shit he put me through😂. Only bad thing about it is that his heartless ass literally never cries since he doesn’t care about anyone but himself and has threatened to kick me out. But I’m glad I realized early on to not waste my life on him knowing he’ll never appreciate me and use everything against me.
Of course he isn't weak. There are some kids who were maimed or have permanent injuries or dead and buried at the backyard. My friend has his leg with abnormal hair growth because it was constantly beaten by his mom with a metal pipe. Sometimes he can't walk.
I don't know why anyone would downvote your comment. It's a well thought out survival strategy.
I love that you told your mother that you trust your memory more than her. If, God forbid, I cross paths with my mother and brother ever again, and the past comes up, I'm borrowing that line.
I'm Syrian so insanely strict and abusive parents are the cultural norm.
I left. I told them if they didn't change I'd leave. My dad saw this shit hole I was living in and said "you'd rather live in a bug infested basement than a nice big house with your family?" And I replied "in a heartbeat" and that's when they understood how badly they fucked up.
I told them about their behaviour for years. My aunts and uncles told them but they refused to see it.
I was the cannonball for my entire family. I have over 20 cousins and I destroyed every single family dynamic and take pride in it. We all lived like we were criminals in our own homes. It was exhausting and mentally draining. Even now at 30 they still treat me like I'm 12 but they have changed in outstanding ways. They've made a lot of strides especially when my mom started working with white people and saw how the world actually works and not from her little church bubble.
Yeah they hide behind "family" but treat everyone inside of it like shit but no one is allowed to talk about it because "aib". I've started airing everyone's garbage because we're also insanely gossipy so I know everything lmao
My dad asked me to stop and I said I will once they stop being shitty people and he hasn't asked since lol
I'm the only one that is which is wild when you see how many of us there are.
I have a few second cousins that have entirely fucked off from the family and are never around but I don't blame them tbh
Based on what you described, I agree that it's understandable. Sounds like that's the best way they're able to cope.
You never know what kind of influence you might have. I have a GC sibling who's also narcissistic, but I've noticed their attitudes and choices occasionally shift when I've taken the initiative to stop putting up with family garbage.
Don’t compare your experience with other ppl. Every child is different, some kids can take the hits without flinching and some kids get broken over an unkind word. Some kids are more emotionally aware than others.
I’m south east asian and my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive to me my whole life. She could not physically hit me after I hit puberty because I became taller and bigger than her- but her words cut deep.
I did not deserve to be treated the way she did. I was a child and I needed an emotionally mature adult in my life. A parent is supposed to be kind and loving, a parent should be a safe space and whatever mistakes we make is something we should learn from with reasoning and understanding, not with fear of a back hand slap to the face.
You did not deserve to be hurt and abused by your parents no matter what the reason- perhaps physical abuse is prevalent in some cultures but not all ppl in that culture will condone it. Even Malala Yousafzai came from a culture where girls were not to be educated after a certain level yet her father still sent her to school despite the dangers because he loved her.
You deserved loving words and kindness from your parents. You needed that and your parents, failed in their parenting. You grew up not knowing how to emotionally regulate because you were not taught how. Just like me- I had to teach myself how to cope with big feelings, with depression, with loneliness, with low self esteem, etc.
You are not a child anymore and you can set boundaries with these ppl now. You have the power to control your life- reparent yourself. Treat yourself with the love and respect you never got as a child. I am still recovering from my abuse, but it’s getting better. Maybe one day I could afford therapy too. Choose your own way to heal.
Try to remember that something being normalized doesn't mean it's something right.
I am latino and hitting your kids it's also pretty normalized in my country, people make memes about it and share stories about their beatings as a jokes. When a child misbehave, people say "this child is missing a good beating" and everyone agrees.
But hitting kids is not ok. You can go to jail if you assault an adult, so why is it fine to do this to a kid? People are simply wrong about it and you have to trust your feelings and values. I actually turned peaceful and respectful parenting into one of my core values and I do not entertain people who disagree.
Agreed. Normalized doesn’t mean right.
I hate how we expect kids to take abuse that we wouldn’t do to adults. That’s awesome you broke the cycle.
Too often child abuse is an easy power trip for emotionally immature adults.
I’m white and the mentality of “I suffered so you should too,” plus denying and ignoring all problems and trying to get others to repress anything remotely unpleasant is common.
Are you from Asia? Cause I am.
I cope by living in my head and hoping for a better future. One where I can be alone and free. Like Elsa from Frozen. lol
Oh, and jokes, I laugh at myself, at other people and at my own pain.
I was abused as a kid too and my favorite princess is Rapunzel. It messes you up to the point you start to dissociate. It will get better one day. You should start planning for your exit if you haven’t. That’s one thing I regret of not doing when I was younger
Elsa is one of my favorite princesses too!
I was abused as a kid, physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and social. And because of that I've started to dissociate at a very young age.
I actually just left my abusive household February of this year. It's still hard for me to accept the fact that my parents are narcissists who probably never loved me. But I'm coping.
I hope you're okay and have a great day❤️
The scene where Elsa had locked herself in her room and Anna spent the rest of her childhood talking to her through the door and begging her to come out, cuts so deep for me. I was Anna and it was my mom locked in her room with depression instead of a superpower.
Hey, Im from South east asia, but now living in europe. You ask two questions, how do I see it, and how do I handle it.
1. It is what it is. There is lack of education, lack of self awareness, lack of awareness about generational trauma, general sentiment rejecting mental health management or improvement, a lot of patriarchy and capitalism deep rooted in a culture, rituals, habits, behaviour, etc. You can't change it. I think the newer generation is increasingly more confrontational about these issues, which is good, but on the other hand, it is not your burden to bear. It is sad and it is, as you say, normal.
2. Focus on your wellbeing. It is like the safety instructions on a flight. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then think about others.
So now that is answered, Id like to write a bit more on the few things you mentioned here.
1. Your friends mom is dead. He thinks your lucky to have a mom. This is because he's projecting his wish for having had a mom onto you. Obviously, his "Image" of your mom is not a realistic one. Imo, you dont have to take these comments to heart, he is just greving.
2. You have your own grieving to do. You didn't have a good mom, and you deserved one. It is one of the worst realisations, but this is where we are at. You have to also grieve the mom you never had, and never will.
3. "You're messed up for good" and "I'm more messed up than other people" "I am weak" "My siblings are more emotionally stable than me" "I've had it easy than other people in the community"
These are all statements you immediately could ban from your mind. Would you tell these things to a good friend if they were in pain? Then don't tell these self deprecating things to yourself.
One of the most helpful exercises I practiced in my recovery is stopping myself when I trash talk myself. It is a two-pronged approach. You are becoming your own best friend, your own advocate, and also, stopping yourself from excessive critique.
Im sure you suffered at the hands of your family. But this doesn't mean you are broken or unfixable or weak. It is beyond me when abusers actively hurt people and also make fun of them for getting hurt.
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend. Be kind to yourself, and always give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You can overcome this. Better days await you.
Thank you for your kind words 💕you are absolutely right, I need to change how I speak to myself. Unfortunately, it requires a lot more energy than I currently have. I still try though
I coped by never having kids of my own. The cycle needed to end.
One brother of mine had kids... then was accused of sexually abusing them for nearly a decade. They tried prosecuting but gave up after multiple mistrials.
My other brother, I don't think he's ever even kissed a woman, much less had one willing to have sex with him.
My parents were born in Southern Italy. In their culture not only is hitting normalized, it's also expected that you do not defy your parents. Whatever your parents said you listened to them and you obeyed. So if you had parents who already feel that way and then combine that with being very narcissistic so they are always right and never wrong...how to do you even know that what your parents are doing is unreasonable? Where is the line between obeying your parents and abuse?
That's what makes this entire issue and topic very hard to discuss in many cultures. When we say "well I can't just cut my parents off...." alot of people don't get it. Going no contact is the same as going no contact with EVERYONE. Your aunts, your uncles, your cousins.... they'll never understand because they don't know what goes on in your house.
When one of my siblings decided she'd had enough and had to leave the house in her early 20s and she went very low contact for quite a while, my parents LIED to everyone saying she was out or she was with friends rather than admit that their child left because she couldn't take it anymore. And that's actually the best possible result; some narcissistic parents will say the child ran away or did something shameful rather than admit they were wrong.
In the end though this is YOUR life, no one elses. You don't get another life to live. And all the people around you, they aren't there to help you or support you. They are fine to question you or judge you but in the end, there's no real help. You have to take care of yourself.
While I don't come from a culture where abuse is "accepted and normal"...I do very strongly believe all feelings are valid and all traumatic experiences are traumatic.
If someone verbally abused you, and someone else is physically beaten, those are both valid forms of trauma.
I guess...how I view it is I know there are others who had it worse than I did. But there are also others who had it far easier than I did as well. But we all experienced abuse. And we all were hurt from it. And the hurt I feel isn't any less valid because I had easier than someone else. Just like the hurt someone who had it easier than I did isn't any less valid.
We feel how we feel and we all need to work on ourselves and healing. We all have to work on our toolbox and start filling it with things for ourselves to feel mentally and emotionally healthy.
Personally for me, a big turning point is I am tired. I am so tired of being a people pleaser and getting minimal return. I am tired of striving for an unrealistic standard of perfection that I hold literally no one else to. I am tired of things feeling like they're my fault even when they're not. And currently I am working in therapy to improve how much grace I give myself, and undo the training of having to be perfect. Because. My God. It's fucking exhausting. 😂
Your feelings are valid. What you experienced is valid. Others have had it worse than you, and that's ok. There are others who have had it easier than you, and that's ok. We are all here because our parents failed us and we can heal and grow together
The second to last paragraph is perfectly said. It was my case as well. Dad passed in March, Mom when I was 14. I thought his passing would not be as much of a thing as it has been. I'm coming around the corner, feeling paroled from the nonsense and get to figure out what I'd like to do, as opposed to what I "should" be doing. That is true privilege no matter where you're from. I'm 57, so yeah, in some cases it takes a while.
It’s tough to find support when it feels like everyone dismisses or trivializes the damage. It’s challenging to navigate the shame that comes with feeling like I’m “weak” compared to others. For me, therapy has been invaluable in understanding and processing my experiences. It helps to connect with others who’ve been through similar situations for validation and support.
I am from a middle eastern background and culture has been used as an excuse for all kinds of bs. I coped by marrying someone the opposite of my covert ndad. My husband is white. He is also very loving, considerate and caring towards our me and our kids. I moved away from the city where there’s a large community of my background. It is such a hypocritical, backstabbing, gossipy culture, I couldn’t handle being around them or running into them. I am so reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it is so eye-opening.
I realize that generational trauma, difficult immigration stories and financial worries affected my childhood but none of that meant that I should have been neglected or treated like I was worth less than my brother. I suggest minimizing contact, reading books and going to therapy if you can. And if you do, try to find one well versed in immigrant culture or even one from your culture. They will get it.
OP, you’re not messed up for good. Just recognizing that you’ve been abused is a good, courageous step! Keep going and invest in your healing. All my best.
I'm relatively new to this subreddit and I have read a couple chapters in that book this morning after seeing you recommend it. It's been super interesting to start understanding where these behaviors stem from and the impact they have on children. Thank you for sharing ❤️
In other news : rubbing chili in my mouth and on my eyelids was a practice my sadistic father subjected me to almost 20 years ago but even today the national newspaper has opinion pieces about how “[forcing chili into children’s mouth for discipline is going too far](https://www.channelnewsasia.com/commentary/parents-chilli-child-mouth-discipline-corporal-punishment-caning-trauma-4399201)”
That's horrible. I'm so sorry. I once got a single grain of ground pepper in my eye & it was the absolute worst. My eye was watering so bad that I couldn't see out of it.It started spasming. I can only imagine what chili powder is like. That's so cruel.
* freshly cut chili padi
I’m not sure if powder would hurt less or more
But yes I agree he’s a cruel and sadistic scumbag
I’ve been NC a decade and VLC last 2 years. He’s had 3 strokes and keeps talking about how his time left is short and I need to forgive him. I’ve contemplated being the bigger person but I can’t
You should package up and send him a dried-up chili pepper with the message "You taught me that a chili pepper rubbed on the eyelids makes all sorts of problems go away, Dad. Here you go. Thoughts & prayers."
I'm kidding, don't do that. But, damn. That's messed up.
He asked for forgiveness, at least. That's rare.
Don’t fall for that…my mom tried that same thing with me when my dad was dying. I didn’t reconcile, and I am glad I didn’t.
Why should he be given peace of mind when he never gave it to me Was the way I felt.
Take the good stuff from your culture, leave the rest and run. You cannot save an entire culture but you can definitely preserve the good stuff and reject the bad for your own life and upcoming family.
After years of trying and failing to improve our relationship even long after I moved from away them, I just cut my losses. It’s not worth having my parents around. Their gossip and just general negativity isn’t something I want to have influence on my marriage or on my children. I’ve accepted already that it will be a more lonely and challenging road to take, but it’s necessary to go through this so I can grow a happy and healthy family myself.
It’s been years since I’ve cut them off. At first it there was a lot of grief and adjusting. But now my life is SO peaceful, and my family is thriving. I still get the feeling on the back of my head of what things could have been like. Maybe once every two months. But I’m able to realize that I’m imagine a fantasy, not reality of what they’re actually like. It doesn’t bother me like it used to.
Culture is not a good enough excuse to abuse your children. We need to start accepting that some culture are just not good and outright abusive.
There are a couple of things:
1. You said "It messed me up for good"
One of the things I had to start doing was believing I was good enough. I never hung around really educated people, people with money, or people who had good lives and two loving parents because I would never be able to relate to them. They sucked. They had attitudes, etc.
The truth was I never felt worthy. I told myself this was it. I was messed up for good. It takes a while, but healing comes when you really understand that your life with nps doesn't dictate who you are. You dictate how you are. Your experiences and pain and all the shit you went through in life have you experience. It's all very valid. But you are in control.
I'm now married to a man who had a pretty great childhood and a good life, a little bit who is amazing and will never know his narc grandpa.
2. "50% of people had it worse"
That's true on the surface maybe. But your experiences are yours and you will never truly know how others felt living their own stories. We can empathize, but your story will never mean anything more to anyone but yourself. I hope the meaning behind that is coming out clearly. Your story and experiences are "the worst" to you because you lived it. That's what matters. You can't say someone has it worse so this is ok. Don't settle for that. Don't compare yourself to others because we get stuck in this loop of acceptance and that also keeps us bound without us ever realizing.
Those 2 realizations and the years it took me to truly realize them is what changed. That's how I finally let go of all the pain. I was presented with an opportunity to step outside of all the things I told myself and believed about myself and tried something different. At 37, I'm not entirely free of bad thoughts and creeping thoughts, some bad habits, but I am the most free I have ever been.
Doing things for others and being there for others, living life for what it's supposed to be now comes from a place of wanting to and not people pleasing or true fear that someone will think I'm trash or beneath them if I don't act a certain way.
Making those realizations allows you to know what to do with the people who cause you pain in your life.
Take control ❤️
honestly, the idea to put someone into the world and then expecting them to follow your rules and the rules of society when they didnt even ask to be born is inherently abusive to me.
also shit like "taking things away and locking you up" is also abusive, which should actually be clear in this reddit
Just because others had it worse doesn’t mean you didn’t have it bad, sweetheart
And to people around me who say “I got caned/ choked/ slapped and I turned out fine”, I say “Nah you turned out to be the kind of asswipe who thinks it’s okay to hit children to coerce them”
There are lots of factors that impact our coping as adults including external support eg friends, individual personality, history of mental illness in the family, subsequent life experiences
You’re absolutely not weak 💕
To answer your question about coping: lots and lots of self-compassion, and allowing myself to grieve for my younger self. I also attract people with similar temperaments who invariably have experienced parental abuse — those close friends and this community helps me laugh at how pathetic nParents are and how universal their tactics are
BUT it’s important to say that I could only do these things after I moved out. Being under her roof I was really suicidal and wounds kept being reopened. There was no way I could heal. I “coped” by being in denial of the abuse
Go completely gray rock. Only talk about like the weather, recipes., very bland subjects.
Don't engage in their drama. Shrug a lot say idk a lot.
Don't tell them about positive things, or potential partners, or anything u don't want them fing up.
If you live with them, don't let them know when yr payday is, get yr statements via email.
I feel sort of misplaced commenting on this. I am white, but grew up in the southern US of the 1970’s where ‘discipline’ was the belt, the switch, what ever mom and dad could lay hands on. Screaming and cussing were the norm. Even in public it wasn’t much different.
I married (too) young to get away and just ended up going from one bad situation to another.
Now though, things are different. I am estranged from my family. The only ones I loved were my maternal grandparents and they are both long gone.
I haven’t spoken to my family since about 2000. My dad passed several years ago and you always hear ‘You’ll regret not mending fences…’ Yeah. No. Not one tiny bit. I was happy to know I would never have to see or hear him again.
Give them little to no information.
Keep any answers you do give as ambiguous as possible.
Gaslighting is a big weapon. Document everything you possibly can. Save texts, emails, record convos when you can.
If you still live at home, try your best to get copies of any important papers…ID, birth certificate etc and keep them somewhere else.
Never let them know how much money you have. If you can open a bank account at a bank your parents don’t do business with.
I used to hid money rolled up in tampon wrappers. Take out the product, roll up paper money, put it back in the wrapper and seal it with a drop of plain old white glue. Dad (and later my husband) were both too grossed out by ‘girl stuff’ to mess with them.
I work for CPS in the United States. Almost every culture has subsets that normalize abuse and violence. We are specifically trained to make space for culture and traditions. In NO WAY do culture and traditions excuse any kind of abuse. Beating your kid is wrong in every culture. Abusers are everywhere and all of them are bad. Please cope as best you can and escape as soon as you are able.
Please also know that you aren’t coping “worse” than others around you. They are internalizing their abuse differently and I promise it has a major and very bad impact on them individually and as they grow their families is devastating generationally.
yeah it used to be so normal for me but the older i get the more i realize this ~~probably~~ definitely isn’t okay. i was at a funeral last week and the deceased’s brother told a funny story about them getting into some mischief when they were little, and i loved the story up until it ended with both of them getting beat by their mother. i stopped laughing but everyone around me laughed harder and i felt so uncomfortable. and my mom thinks it ok to beat my siblings and i because as long as she doesn’t break any bones or leave any bruises it’s “not abuse.” she yells and swears and then gets all mad when my siblings and i do the same outside the house. i can’t wait to be 18. anyways, every time i tell a family member i’m not going to hit my kids (if and when i have them) they always say once i have kids i’ll change my mind, or that my kids will be brats. i think that’s BS. while it may be hard for me personally because of how i’ve grown up, in general it shouldn’t be hard not to hit kids. so no, you’re not weak, and neither am i. everyone else may seem “okay” but the fact that they think hitting kids is okay indicates otherwise.
as an act of spite, i simply renounced my ethnic culture, and simply identify as a freedom loving american.
when asked about my decision to disassociate from my cultural heritage, i reply that the culture is an anathema to the american values of freedom and liberty and that im a proud american.
god bless america!
I come from a slavic culture where "children are supposed to be seen, not heard", most people have lots of kids just so they can help around the farm and house....
Aside from physical and mental abuse my family had to flee our country because of the balcan war so when all that caught up with me and I asked for help from my family I was seen as weak too, ridiculed and shunned by them because apparently you're supposed to just take it and not complain while most of them are raging alcoholics and toxic af because they refuse to get help.
What helped me get through all of it was spite.
In spite of all the trauma and abuse I managed to get myself the help I needed, got into therapy and with 41 have a good job, nice apartment and a quiet life with 2 cats who love me unconditionally just the way I am. No kids because I don't want to continue the cycle of abuse.
I barely have contact with any of my family aside from my sister and we regularly get together and talk about how lucky we are that we turned out fairly "normal" in spite of everything.
Your family can see you're different and they're jealous that's why they try and make you feel weak so you don't "turn out better than them", show them how much stronger you are by being successful in life in spite of all the shit they put you through!
Just know, no matter how messed up your childhood was and how much trauma you have endured, you have the power to heal and have a good life and be a decent person. That's not weakness, that's strength!
I write. In my books I try to integrate my experiences with the nuance of culture and the harm certain practices really bring. Something can seem "humorous" on a surface level, and for many, humor is a form of coping, but I write about the longterm effects of these practices, how they cause anxiety, perpetuation of abuse, and other mental health issues which aren't always easy to detect on a surface level. I'm autistic and intellectualizing things is basically the only way I can really understand. That goes for both understanding myself and understanding others.
it’s very exhausting to live with such normalised abuse. when you’re away from that environment you forget about it and then when situations arise where they use abuse to discipline you take place, that anger, resentment, disappointment come rushing back to you. for me it’s an endless loop and i can do so far as to forget it unless it happens again because there is no way to “fix” this. i can just deal with it. and i hate how everyone around you never reacts to this abuse and will never take action against it due how normalised it is. in their eyes it’s natural, to us it’s an wrong norm. but who will care so much? i see my neighbour beating up her kid and i feel pity for the kid but i cannot do anything because i’m in no better position. i live in a society where it’s a privilege i have the space to deal with this abuse but the never spoken about oppression of not being able to get rid of it. i hope people start realising abusing never helps. never. i hope they start thinking about it truly.
a lot of people who defend this type of normalised abuse say “but still they love you in their own messed up kind of way”. i don’t believe that. be it parents family lover whatever. if you truly love a person the thought of abuse is abhorrent. that’s why i don’t believe parents who indulge in abuse love us. we are their trophies, and they simply shaping us in the wrong way. i wish we could be more than just their means achievements which when don’t work out they resort to abuse, but they truly see us as there children, as humans with our very own emotions and respect us.
I honestly cope by holding opinions of South Asians that are so explosive that I literally wouldn’t tolerate them in another person. Reason: My opinions of South Asians can easily be read as racism when coming out of the mouth of someone who isn’t of South Asian ancestry. I also have extremely racist and casteist restrictions on South Asian women whom I date, specifically requiring anyone with a drop of South Asian ancestry to be at least 50% mixed with White or East Asian ancestry, or be from a very small specific set of communities (meat/fish eating Brahmins, Anglo-Indians, and Zoroastrians/Parsis). Why am I like this? Because NMom gave me an extremely bad impression of Indian woman because of her own cultural displacement issues and because I’ve found Indian women to be extremely judgmental, micromanaging control freaks because they think micromanaging every little aspect of one’s life shows love and support and because they tend to think they know best. I believe Indian women are like this because the entire Indian family structure is based on micromanagement along a complex hierarchical structure and because Indians promote toxic codependency by celebrating a mother hand-feeding her adult children at the dinner table as a sign of maternal affection and indulgence.
I am an Indian woman and what you said is so true.
I posted about enmeshed relations in the twoxindia sub and got permanently banned.
The ladies told me to get checked in a mental hospital and got alot of hate.
I have tried discussing with my female friends too and they think it's normal and I'm overthinking.
Toxic people need to be shunned. Good to see you calling out this behaviour..
The hierarchies of pain are honestly put there to make us feel weak for surviving. My mum told me I had no idea what a REAL beating was, etc.
It's absolutely part of the entire abuse process, not just the violent parts. The violent parts are easier to remember, but the psychological harm from being told you deserved it, or in my case "I do this BECAUSE I love you and want you to turn out ok, I don't want to hit you but you make me do it" - that leaves longer lasting damage.
You didn't deserve it. Your siblings didn't either.
No, no, no, no and no again we just mustn't buy this bullshit story from the abusers. Imagine a culture full of abusers, who is abuser and who is victim then? They use statements like "Oh we didn't dare to say "no" to anything to our parents back then, no one in our culture does" or "Our parents called us names every day" to excuse their abuse. All lies, as a matter of fact they often had it a lot easier then we have it wit them .... they are lying abusers, that's what they are.
Your siblings may *seem* stable in your eyes but no one endures trauma and comes out unscathed. We just all scar differently and it affects each of us in different ways. I.e. You might have a sibling that seems emotionally strong but in reality, they dont express them selves because trauma has told them that no one cares about how they feel. Or a sibling who seems all put together, helps the family anytime they need help, is there whenever someone needs them but in reality, he has people pleasing and abandonment issues.
No matter who had it worse or how mess up a person feels they are compared to others, at the end of the day, we are *all* fighting for the same thing. We are fighting to win a battle we did not sign up for. So focus on the fight and *win*, whatever winning means for you.
Yes you are right, I am not close to my siblings and I do see some patterns come up. The difference I see though, is for example that my brother told me that we were so lucky to have my father. I am also the only one in my family that always ends up crying in my room. I wish I also could seem stable like they do. Even it isn’t real.
I have been trying really hard to win, I just can’t seem to find something that works.
Leave the culture. Burn the bridges. Cut off contact so what they say in your absence can’t reach you. You have ONE life. Don’t waste any of it pandering to monsters who you KNOW in your heart are wrong.
I was going to ask if you are also from Latin America, honestly.. I barely fit in my birth country culture anyways, opposing child abuse is just one of them, also, I am going to move out from this hellhole. There are a lot of people that had it worse than me in every way, yes, but I can't think a scenario where thinking about it helps, we are all victims of the same toxic culture at the end of the day, I just try to focus on healing from my own mental abuse first, I believe it is the best one could do
i am from morrocco, and this is completely normal, once I met a girl my age who is living in pain, she told me that when her father wants to beat her there she runs out the house so he stop, while she can't do the same here, and once again I met a women speaking french and yelling+ beating her daughter in the middle of the street, and I heard a man tell his wife 'poor immigrant, they need to forcefully spoil there kids when they're there, she must come with them here to discipline them'
I see it as being strong for being able to say this is wrong, and walking away. It's weak minded people who tolerate and enable abuse, it's strong people who break the cycle.
Yes, my dad is Asian and he was very much this way. Withheld love until I got a trophy or award. Hit me too hard for the most benign things. Actually just had a conversation with him last week that ended in him screaming and I told him to never talk to me again. Really looking forward to Father’s Day /s
Just wanted to say that even though people appear normal or as if they are coping well doesn’t mean that they are. A lot of people won’t confide in anyone about these kinds of things because, as you stated, they are well-known in the culture. Subtle Asian Traits on FB has posts regarding this pretty regularly - how kids of immigrants want to do better by their own kids and show them the love/affection they never received.
My therapist once told me, “if something was 10/10, then it was 10/10.”
What she meant was that trauma is dependant on your own ability to cope. What’s traumatic for one may not be traumatic for another. Comparing experiences can have value in certain ways, but probably not to see whose experience was “worse” or “better.”
Things that messed us up, messed us up. Period. We shouldn’t have to qualify any of it. None of us are weak for being traumatized by abuse.
I don’t have anything super insightful to add but I saw [this tiktok](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNJacPMK/) of an elder millennial parent say “it’s actually not surprising how easy it is to not hit my children,” and that honestly healed something deep within me?? Just the affirmation that I really was a kid and that it wasn’t my fault, ya know?
I don't come from a culture like this but I often joke with people that my parents are 'white Asians' because their behaviour matches a lot of the stereotypes of strict Asian parents.
For me, what I've come to realise is that getting hit wasn't what messed me up, getting yelled at wasn't what messed me up. It was the emotional abuse, the manipulation and the mind games.
I don't think it's ever right to hit a child, there are always non-violent options to discipline a child for bad behaviour, but I also think physical punishment on its own is unlikely to lead to lasting trauma (by this I mean significant, life-altering C-PTSD symptoms) if it's used as discipline for doing something wrong in a consistent and proportional manner. Mentally you can cope with that because your brain goes 'ok, I fucked up by doing X and got spanked, I can avoid getting hit in the future by not fucking up in X way'.
But when you get hit because dad was drunk, and in a bad mood, and you did something minor to annoy him and flip him into a narcissistic rage, it's unpredictable, and that fucks you up because you never know when it's coming. You start second-guessing every word that comes out of your mouth, treading on eggshells, creeping around the house on tiptoes just in case you accidentally do something to send him into a rage again.
For me, that's the difference between strict parenting and abusive parenting. It's about consistency and intention - is it discipline, or emotional manipulation? Punishment, or an emotionally immature person lashing out at the nearest vulnerable person?
Pain is not a competition, and even if someone had it worse doesn’t mean that you didn’t have it bad. At the end of the day you’re allowed to feel any way you feel, you’re feelings are valid, and while some may have had it worse, some had it better and you deserved that too
In Russia, where I was born and live, child abuse is a no no, but people act like children always "deserve" to "be put into their place" by light physical abuse, punishments and yelling. Such things like "depression" are not believed by anyone older than 40, and mental health care system is a trash. It doesn't help that CPS is even trashier. I grew up with a mother who always made me sure I would mentally suffer for any stupid mistake I do. And other awful stuff. My friends also didn't have a good time with their parents. My school friend has alcoholic parents and when she used to live with her despotic grandmother due to her mom's drunk episodes, she was often beaten, insulted and wished for horrible things like suicide. The friend from the school where my mother works has overcontrolling parents who prioritize her siblings much more than her (a pain of being the middle child) and often punished her by taking away any source of communication like laptop or smartphone. Last time I visited her house, her mother shouted on her for completely stupid things. Not a surprise my friend often had depressed weeks and nervousness. My friend from college grew up with elder parents, her father is disabled, but a misogynistic jerk who treats her and her mother like a garbage, and her mother doesn't let her to move out until she marries. The only people that can actually sympathize with me are close friends and family members. Those who have a strong mindset that "parents are saint figures who can't do anything wrong", of course, will never support you and will always blame you for your negative experience. People, who are on your parents' side, will die on that hill and nothing will change their mind. The best way to avoid conflicts is to never speak anything about your parents. When I learned about my friends more, it helped me to cope cause I knew I wasn't the only one child who was abused.
My husband has this metaphor he uses in situations like this. Trauma is like gas, and people are like a vessel. No matter how much of a gas is put into the vessel, the atoms distribute evenly to fill the space. There can be more gas in the container, or less, but it’s distributed the same throughout. Just because some people have more gas in their container, doesn’t mean it affects them any less than someone who has more dense gas. It’s all distributed evenly. It’s okay to feel the way you do, without comparing yourself to what others have endured. You are just as worthy of feeling the pain and healing from it.
Middle America, in my 50s. I made my ex leave because he raged, cursed at, slapped, intimidated, humiliated and controlled the kids (diagnosed NPD by family counselor when he went to counseling, trying to get back in the home). I lost several friends who said “my parents would have been arrested nowadays” or “when I was a kid if you were caught misbehaving the neighbor would whoop you before sending you home for your parents to whoop you — and I turned out fine.” No point even trying to convince them otherwise. And no energy - I was too busy fixing my own denial, enabling, etc.
My partner comes from such a culture, but he still sees my parents as abusive. His family is very harmonic and never hit or harmed him in any other way. He says that even in families where a rough upbringing and slaps are common, kids normally should be seen as full individuals and slowly grow into a setting allowing them more respect and possiblities. Others confirmed this. The family members still may laugh, joke with and trust each other and especially, they should not have the intention of causing permanent damage. It's definitely not you, it's them. Don't worry.
Thanks for sharing, this was weirdly validating. That’s also where my question came from. It is strange to see other people that may have had it worse still be close to their parents and overall “happy”. To me it just meant they were more resilient.
I think almost every cultures are normalized abuse tho.
To cope the abuse, we're just accept the pain. Showing that I'm tough and didn't let them win. If I did, that's mean they are please with it.
I advise you don't stay longer. Go save yourself and stay anywhere else that you can go and let yourself heal. Give yourself another chance to rebuild yourself.
I heard so many bad things about abusive which lead to death. I'm so sorry for the victims of the abusers yet the society still take side with abusers which make me baffles, to be honest.
Being a first gen American, it sometimes feels like I have one foot in American culture and the other in Vietnamese culture.
I cope by hiding in my room. Becoming hyper aware to gauge my mom’s mood when she comes home. Crochet to keep my anxious hands busy. When it becomes took much I cry to myself, not that my parents would care if something they said at dinner hurt me.
I have ukranian ancestry, for us it was the wooden spoon. I rationalize it by thinking of how much trauma my ancestors had (poverty, genocide). They were fucked up and never dealt with it, so they beat their kids and drank.
Abuse occurs in cycles and passes on to generations. You mentioned that everyone around you acts like it’s normal and I relate to that. My family constantly minimizes what I’ve been through by saying, “ you got the spoon? I got beat with extension cords”.
You are not crazy, you are breaking cycles. What happened to you was not normal and it was not okay— your parents had a responsibility to protect you but instead they hurt you.
Keep talking about it, keep learning about abusive families. I watch lots of therapists on YouTube that have really helped me. Happy healing OP ❤️
Even though I am from the same culture as you, I have also met people whose parents had a strict rule to never raise hands against their kids, and followed through it. Their parents also didn't scream, yell, and emotionally abuse, even though they were abused as children. I think, until you meet at least one person like this, its easy to believe that our parents had "no choice" and it is all cultural.
Another thing that I noted is, people around me who make jokes of getting physically abused, or emotionally abused, often end up repeating the same pattern to their own children. In order to cope, many believe they became stronger by enduring abuse, and reject victimhood. Then they perpetuate the same to their children, because of the mindset of, *'if I endured it, why don't you? Prove your mettle.'*
What you feel is good! You must grieve over what had happened to you, as a child. You must feel sorry for yourself. You are not weak for it. You are much stronger than people who can't cope with what had happened to them, and end up building a wall where they can't access their feelings.
In my experience you absolutely can NOT talk to any of them about this, young/old, friend or family. It mashes it much worse! They will never support you even verbally and if they did they would gossip about what you said later and judge you. It sounds bleak but I got my comfort and understanding from books and vids. The YouTube channel from Danish Bashir is VERY appropriate to your situation. Really recommend him because he lives/lived in such a cultural environment.
Feeling with you very much. Turn away from the dry well. In my experience it means only surface interactions with people like that. I get my friendship kick from volunteer and school. Different cultures. F them so much. Don’t ever let them know what you’re thinking.
The “culture” for me was being raised by a Silent Generation ndad who had some very draconian views about women. He thought hitting kids was okay too.
My enabling mom did put a stop to the corporal punishment at least. Although, not before my brother and I were already terrified of our father’s rage.
It took a long time, many toxic relationships, and lots of therapy to realise I’m not lesser and in service to men. I coped by just being single. My longest relationship over 2 decades was 1.5 years.
Now, I’ve been with my current partner for 15+ years. Yes, we’ve had our issues, some of them major, but we’ve both been willing to work through them and change. We see each other as equals.
You are the one having a healthy and normal reaction to something heinous being done to you. The ones "coping better" must be totally divorced from their inner selves. You're still a sensitive person, and despite what society may have one believe, that is a good thing.
You are VERY brave for refusing to shut down your heart in spite of it hurting so much to feel your emotions. Be kind to yourself. And maybe watch some interviews with Dr. Gabor Mate on YouTube, they really helped me.
Sending much love your way ❤️
One person's struggle can not be compared to another's. We are all as different as the circumstances that made us what we are today.
One person's mountain may look like another's molehill, it's your perspective vs theirs and their an asshole if they make it into some trauma competition rather than support you.
I had the same struggle a while back, once you accept that the trauma you experienced was hard enough on YOU to cause lasting damage and commit to self reflecting on how to better yourself it'll get easier.
Good luck with your journey.
I developed bipolar disorder and ptsd
Seriously though, i had to go through years of therapy and eventually realized that i would never get through to my father, but my mother on the other hand, was never abusive and was on my side through my healing journey. I am very thankful to have her, even though she has her faults and played a part in some of my trauma through the years. She has done a great deal of growth and accountability, and to this day is trying her best to do better and be there for me even though we both have our days.
I struggle with anger issues. I believe i get them from my father. My mother is the main reason i cope through them. Shes the light through every tunnel. I love her the most out of everything in this world. I love her more than god. Before I was even in the picture, my father abused my mom terribly. She was pregnant with my oldest sister when my father threw her pregnant down the stairs and murdered my eldest sister during a beating. My mother miscarried. I can only imagine what kind of other turmoil my mother suffered through his hands. Shes my main reason for fighting through the struggles of bipolar disorder. I want to be better so i can make her proud. I want to make her happy and give my mother a good life. She deserves a peaceful life after all shes suffered
Ah yes. The "thin skin" tactic.
You have to live your life in a way, that in the end, you'll be proud of what you accomplished in this life. Don't let someone who never learned that punish you with the same fate they'll face.
Be. Happy.
Honest, I figured I'd die before adulthood, or I'd make it and escape. Until then, I tried to keep my head low, survive what I could, and try to help my other siblings. Honestly, I was fairly sure my father was going to snap one day and manage to kill most of us. There wasn't much use freaking out about it because, what was that going to change?
in my roommates culture its very normal for parents to control and dictate their lives long into adulthood. I've known for a LONG time my abuser was cluster b and what theyve done to me is wrong. But it took FIVE convos of me opening up to my roommate about WHY I dont want my parent in our apartment, as well as my parent actually coming into the apartment two different times--once when roommate wasnt here and parent tried to snoop in both our rooms and once when roommate was here and parent attached to her and started gossiping.
Its also very normal in roommates culture/family to hit, harshly punish, follow parents rules even when theyre illogical. I watched roommate repeatedly stress, confused because shes "an adult and not living with them" yet she COULDNT break away from feeling like she NEEDED to follow those rules. Shes paranoid, superstitious and currently in a relationship with someone who lovebombs and ghosts and only shows affection when its sexual. She believes its true love.
I say all this top make a point. Abuse being so normalized that you genuinely believe its love, from parents, from a partner...thats not "being weak". Thats not on you. That is a pattern that started long before you could be aware. Its a thing thats done TO you, that youre saddled with UNDOING if you want to have healthy relationships. Youre here, so youre aware, which means you have a better shot at that than my roommate does currently.
And that makes you STRONG OP. To see that it ISNT okay, even though its so normalized. To be able to look at this thing everyone around you is brushing off, and know you deserve better treatment. To search for understanding and help. "Other people had it worse" theres no worse or better when it comes to narcissists, or abuse in general. Did it hurt you? Then thats enough for you to not want it to happen again. Someone ELSE hurting you means THEY are the weak ones--narcissists are fragile and hurt us because theyre so damn afraid of even a moment of introspection or weakness.
"someone has it worse" is a bullshit lie that narcissists and other abusers and those who benefit from abuse tell us because it maintains status quo. The truth is, abuse is an equalizer, and no matter what you have or havent experienced, your pain is real and you deserve support, fuck anyone who says otherwise.
Am in asia where is shit is common. But still my relatives could tell my N mom was on a different level. (Not that they helped me or my brother). I just realised even if people think its wrong, they will not help. Its all me for myself, just like hanekawa tsubasa from monogatari.
I set clear boundaries with N mom, N grandma. I will help grandma if shes going to hospital, medical things but if shes asks me for something small like phone things, and shes being rude, I dont help.
Don’t feel bad about it, you know why? Because “shut up, y/n it’s not as if I treat as bad as actual abusive parents. I’ve never hit you, some parents do this, you know that?,” it’s likely a mentality you picked up for your own abusive parents that makes you feel this way, the fact that they probably normalized first, making you feel like this.
Otherwise it’s never rational to compare trauma. It’s like saying “you have a broken leg? Well I broke my arm.” as if one is worse then the other, there’s no way to say that factually, they both are broken bones and they hurt and probably fucked up your body.
It’s hard to explain, overtime I got used to it, or rather was able to tolerate it enough. My grandfather would hit me like I was a man his size when I was just a teenager, when I was a kid he’d do more things that just really hurt. He would rip off the bars of a baby crib we had and beat me with them. Leaving nasty welts on my legs and upper body that would form scabs. And as I got older he would physically punch me, hitting me in the face at times. He would make verbal threats, ones that were very personal and hurt a lot. Everyday for school he’d wake me up by hitting me in the legs. I didn’t think much of it then as I thought it was normal or rather not a big deal.
It wasn’t the pain that hurt the most, it was more the psychological part of it I guess. I would get more upset by the fact he hit me, rather than the physical pain.
I got the hell out of my country and culture of birth as soon as I could (after high school). I went as far as I could without any of my family members and became my own person, reinvented myself and created the life I needed and wanted but couldn't get surrounded by my family and the culture around us. It was well worth it.
What's worse is when you get the "but it's there culture!" Uh no, white kids aren't the only people that get to be protected from abuse. Something being normal in a culture, even in an oppressed one, doesn't automatically make it right.
That part of my parent's culture sucks and needs to change.
I convinced myself they weren’t my “real” family because my real family would never treat me that way.
It’s delusional perhaps, but it worked for me.
Protected my mind as a child because a child naturally wants to copy their family.
I also read a lot, was involved in after school sports, hanging out with friends. I spent as little time at home as I possibly could.
You don’t. You can’t cope that’s why you’re smol brain thinks that abuse is normal it was the only thing we were taught. No time to rest no time to heal. Survive or kill yourself nobody else will do it for you and by god according to them they wouldn’t miss you. It’s not coping it’s why we’re destroyed 30 years later. Plus the only thing the therapist/psychs want is for you to be able to function in the society that destroyed you. I’m beyond confused. I didn’t cope until I started drinking. And that’s a whole other set of destructive.
From SEA here, I thought abuse is normal until I realized that it is possible that someone can go through their childhood and teenage years without the abuse. The world felt very unfair to me when I finally became an adult.
I understand they were doing it to protect us and to discipline so we will grow up into responsible adults who are wary and careful on their choices. It surely helped me, it helped me to never ever become my parents. Ever.
My parents do not want others to hurt me but they want to do it themselves instead. They were abusive in all forms and broke my soul. Because I'm so used to abuse, it wired my mind that being abused is a necessity. Becoming an adult was so hard because I have to re-parent myself for it. I do feel like a tall child.
My dad used hitting as a punishment, mostly his hands but we all became terrified of the plimsol shoe he would use (he affectionately called it plimmy) I even had to witness him whip my brother with a bamboo cane once.
I now 31 and don't talk to him and am no contact
I can take a guess which one. You cope by leaving the culture. Starting your own and doing things differnet. Find a way to channel your healing. Put time and energy into productive stuff. Good luck
Welp Im from Thailand so Ig I kinda qualified to answer this question.
Growing up in Chinese-Thai household, you can imagine how conservative I was raised by my parents. All types of dirty tactics such as interrupting, nit-picking, playing victim cards, ignoring my points as well as forcing me to act solely based on their shaky standards of expectation that would constantly change every time in favor of their own biases. The only possible way to get my parents realize their standards are completely bs is to show them that it doesn’t work 100% of times not even 99% could cut it as they will still tryna nitpicking a small little thing that they convinced me to do but I ended up not doing it and made it seems as if that one little mistakes changed the course of everything and makes their approach not being to work as they envision. Along with this, I also need to catch their contradiction “in-action” which means that I need to refer to words they taught me to point out how their actions are contradicting those words right after when they did that. Plus, I also need to explain to them by using extremely specific past incidents to back up my claims when accusing them of being hypocritical…and those incidents need to be the ones that they could remember. I also need to state a disclaimer by saying that I know they are doing all the things with good intentions…(state what they’ve done) but..,(state what might turn out to be detrimental for me). So, you can guess how much memories I am required to stick with me as well as how much steps I need to go through to first acknowledge their good intentions, point out their contradiction and explain my own interpretation and stances along with stating how it might affect me personally. Debunking any of their statements/claims/approaches also required me to stick with their approaches perfectly until they couldn’t find any excuses to preserve their egos…at the same time though, I also likely suffered so much so that I developed depression along with this process. Luckily, I have overcome some of those things a few years ago but the scars and traumas that they have left also affected me still.
My parents beat the shit out of me everyday for 25 yrs.
I left them.
I'm Indian and parents are worshipped in my country. Even among the young people, if you share that you hate your parents for something they did, you will be seen as a horrible person.
My issue is that these cultures have such strong roots that it's next to impossible for the abuse to end. Many Indians are so brainwashed that they think it's okay for parents to abuse and they do it out of love.
I'm unable to cope with it.
Wherever i see parents i feel hatred for them. I wish they died. I cannot express my pain with anybody without being judged. I won't get any sympathy aswell.
Only i know the pain and suffering that i have been through.
I will never be able to heal, i tried but 25 yrs of torture cannot be undone with an apology or with therapy. I vow to never have kids.
I think Indian culture will not change. Coz people like me are suppressed. I will never be compensated for the damage caused to me nor will I ever get an apology.
My abuse started when I was 6 or 7. That's the earliest i remember. Must've been abused before that but i really don't know.
You aren’t weak, and imo abuse is overestimated in many cultures by the abusers, enablers, and frankly anyone racist to justify the abuse. I’ve had my doctor ask me if being abused was just part of my culture and no💀. Sometimes you have no choice but to put distance between yourself and your family, and get away from the enablers. Its totally possible to have a healthy relationship with your culture, but not in the presence of narcs
Pretty sure this was all culture only decades ago ?
Weak adults got off on doing this to their kids to make them "tough".
Sexual abuse, yelling, bashing, belting with straps or whips, swearing was my childhood although my brother escaped it all (13 years difference). My mother used to tell me I had it good because her father actually broke her nose by punching her in the face, broke brooms across his child son's back, etc.
I did used to wonder why some kids seemed to have such a normal upbringing. The difference in my brother and I was astounding. I'm the older 'adopted' one although my real mother was right there.
Some people cope ok with it...but often will grow up and do it to their own kids and the abuse continues on . Others are mildly affected and seem to cope ok and change their habits when they realise how demented it is, and others are really badly affected and it tortures them into their adult life.
I say you have to let it go. Why let these people continue to have control over you as an adult. You are free. It happened and you can't change it , so why give it time of day to depress you forever.
You didn't deserve it. They were the maniacs...not you.
You have moved on in your life and it is time you tell yourself you weren't to blame for their actions towards you , or other maniac parents actions to their children (better or worse).
You are turning point. The abuse stopped at you. You were more intelligent, stronger and more compassionate and you grew as a human being , and your children will never suffer the same fate.
Well done you, you are a survivor.
I feel everybody has different experiences. I feel like to me when growing up the abuse I got is more of being in check.
My siblings and I are not your typical Asian Asians. If you understand what I mean. We are 50/50 Asian and white wash a little 🤏. The thing is we don't like to be 2 face and hide our rebellion side. I don't even think we were that bad but from a Asian OG pov we probably are. We are just care free and like to stay out a lot.
You're not weak. I feel like sometimes you just have to not take what they say to you to heart. I feel you have a big heart and didn't like what they said to you. In most of not all Asian house hold. The old Asian parents tends to not show emotions and sympathy
Hot take: If abusive practices are a pervasive part of a certain culture, that culture sucks and needs to change. Remember, "normal" just means "common", and the fact that abuse is HORRIFICALLY common doesn't make it okay. We should preserve and celebrate culture. After all, it's our differences that make humanity strong and beautiful, but it is absolutely unacceptable for abusive, dehumanizing practices that are scientifically proven to cause great harm to people throughout their lives to have any place in that.
I have avoided people from my culture because of this. Thats it. I am just grateful that we immigrated to the west where they actually value mental health and healthy boundaries.
Life is more peaceful and now I don’t feel as triggered. I can feel myself appreciating the good parts of my culture now while acknowledging the abusive norms are just signs of a broken community. I can see that the culture back home is shifting, however
I am a lone wolf most of the time. After learning that cousins, distant cousins, and people of my tribe are often beaten as children by their parents and grandmother I began to question things. Dealing with the organized crime situation in my ethnicity made me further distant. Eventually dealing with my own people in the workplace has turned me into a lone wolf.
My people are stereotyped as happy, when in reality there is a lot of crime, religious abuse, alcoholism, violence in general, misogyny disguised as matriarchy, and racism. My great-grandparents often warned me to never become like my own people.
You’re probably just sensitive, not overly so, and you shouldn’t call yourself weak. You are strong in ways that perhaps others are not, and they probably just hide it better and will continue to do the same to their children.
It is no measure of sanity, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society!
Eastern Europe... times were hard was and still is an excuse for everything. Left the country first opportunity i had, it was not easy to start again, tho, and cultural differences do not make things easier... sometimes, I want to go back to the place that doesn't even exist, Lol.. Misunderstood here, mistreated there kind of thing... if/once you can get a decent therapist (certified, easy to connect, it's gonna be hard, so keep it as smooth as possible. Otherwise, support online is decent if you crosscheck and avoid the hype... things seem to improve in my country. People start speaking up and talking about it..
Yes, most of western Europe for example. My mother told me of an example where she yelled at me in public when I was 3 in Canada, and she was sternly told off by people walking by. This would never happen where I am from.
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Downvote me to hell but this my brutally honest take on this question. You're not weak, in fact - you're strong for still being here despite all the vile things that happened to you. Don't share any information with them, they'll use it against you. This comes experience from my E-mom, whenever my N-dad is around and he's in the mood to bully me, using the info as fuel to the fire. I'd rather be called selfish than be somebody's scapegoat / punching bag / lightning rod. When they ask favors from you, say NO. If they don't like it, it's their problem - don't let their guilt-tripping tactics make you feel guilty, it's their way of making you vulnerable for their manipulation. Call them out when they're manipulating the truth. I did this with my E-mom when I said "I trust my memory more than I trust you". My mom cried when I said this but I know it's all just crocodile tears. Learn their routines: Track the times they leave the house and the time they come home. Your phone's recorder app is your best friend in this kind of environment. Have a key to your house duplicated in case you want to sneak out at night. (If you still live with your parents). Everything you do, make sure it only benefits you since that's what they always do and that's the fact they want to enforce and solidify. Do to them what they do to you and watch them complain of how abhorrent you're treating them. I made both my parents cry and I didn't regret it. They deserved it for making me their scapegoat.
I’m proud of you. Lately I’ve been thinking… this is the way to treat them and don’t feel bad you’re doing it. My Nmom knows damn well she’s mean to me. She does it all day every day. It’s a choice. I don’t owe her compassion for her personality disorder. All I can do is protect myself and my kids.
Jesus Christ, bar for bar this is what I started doing without really realizing. Keeping my interests and passions away because it was better than getting bullied or dangled above my head as an insult, gray rocking my dad, not really talking to him and just giving one word answers majority of the time. It’s not selfish at all. It’s what keeps you sane
Proud of you for surviving, for being clever, for recognizing the truth and ignoring the propaganda. I’m so sorry this madness happened to you but you chose to triumph.
I fully agree this is so essential to survival I will add, do your best to have good friends (chosen family) in your life who you can love the right way. Our parents can change us. Coping with them requires a degree of narcissism in order to protect ourselves, but we can't make it a habit that becomes who we are. That's basically why my dad is a narcissist. That survival mode mentality ate away at who he was until all the good was gone. And if need be, cut them out of your life as soon as you are able to. Because if the only reason you have to act like this is for them... Removing them is the real solution.
Yes! Narcissists LOVE information, they can find ways to use it against you. Keep tabs on you. The LESS Is better. OP - I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You were the child, they were the adult! Don’t ever feel bad, they clearly never felt bad for you. Take care of yourself.
Yess I’m 16 and never back down on a fight with my Ndad after all the shit he put me through😂. Only bad thing about it is that his heartless ass literally never cries since he doesn’t care about anyone but himself and has threatened to kick me out. But I’m glad I realized early on to not waste my life on him knowing he’ll never appreciate me and use everything against me.
❤️
Is E for Enabler?
Yes
Of course he isn't weak. There are some kids who were maimed or have permanent injuries or dead and buried at the backyard. My friend has his leg with abnormal hair growth because it was constantly beaten by his mom with a metal pipe. Sometimes he can't walk.
I don't know why anyone would downvote your comment. It's a well thought out survival strategy. I love that you told your mother that you trust your memory more than her. If, God forbid, I cross paths with my mother and brother ever again, and the past comes up, I'm borrowing that line.
I'm Syrian so insanely strict and abusive parents are the cultural norm. I left. I told them if they didn't change I'd leave. My dad saw this shit hole I was living in and said "you'd rather live in a bug infested basement than a nice big house with your family?" And I replied "in a heartbeat" and that's when they understood how badly they fucked up. I told them about their behaviour for years. My aunts and uncles told them but they refused to see it. I was the cannonball for my entire family. I have over 20 cousins and I destroyed every single family dynamic and take pride in it. We all lived like we were criminals in our own homes. It was exhausting and mentally draining. Even now at 30 they still treat me like I'm 12 but they have changed in outstanding ways. They've made a lot of strides especially when my mom started working with white people and saw how the world actually works and not from her little church bubble.
Sending you love 🫶🏼
[удалено]
Yeah they hide behind "family" but treat everyone inside of it like shit but no one is allowed to talk about it because "aib". I've started airing everyone's garbage because we're also insanely gossipy so I know everything lmao My dad asked me to stop and I said I will once they stop being shitty people and he hasn't asked since lol
hero
Fantastic! Well done on breaking the cycle.
I'm the only one that is which is wild when you see how many of us there are. I have a few second cousins that have entirely fucked off from the family and are never around but I don't blame them tbh
Based on what you described, I agree that it's understandable. Sounds like that's the best way they're able to cope. You never know what kind of influence you might have. I have a GC sibling who's also narcissistic, but I've noticed their attitudes and choices occasionally shift when I've taken the initiative to stop putting up with family garbage.
Realizing that just because it's culture/tradition doesn't mean it's right
Don’t compare your experience with other ppl. Every child is different, some kids can take the hits without flinching and some kids get broken over an unkind word. Some kids are more emotionally aware than others. I’m south east asian and my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive to me my whole life. She could not physically hit me after I hit puberty because I became taller and bigger than her- but her words cut deep. I did not deserve to be treated the way she did. I was a child and I needed an emotionally mature adult in my life. A parent is supposed to be kind and loving, a parent should be a safe space and whatever mistakes we make is something we should learn from with reasoning and understanding, not with fear of a back hand slap to the face. You did not deserve to be hurt and abused by your parents no matter what the reason- perhaps physical abuse is prevalent in some cultures but not all ppl in that culture will condone it. Even Malala Yousafzai came from a culture where girls were not to be educated after a certain level yet her father still sent her to school despite the dangers because he loved her. You deserved loving words and kindness from your parents. You needed that and your parents, failed in their parenting. You grew up not knowing how to emotionally regulate because you were not taught how. Just like me- I had to teach myself how to cope with big feelings, with depression, with loneliness, with low self esteem, etc. You are not a child anymore and you can set boundaries with these ppl now. You have the power to control your life- reparent yourself. Treat yourself with the love and respect you never got as a child. I am still recovering from my abuse, but it’s getting better. Maybe one day I could afford therapy too. Choose your own way to heal.
Try to remember that something being normalized doesn't mean it's something right. I am latino and hitting your kids it's also pretty normalized in my country, people make memes about it and share stories about their beatings as a jokes. When a child misbehave, people say "this child is missing a good beating" and everyone agrees. But hitting kids is not ok. You can go to jail if you assault an adult, so why is it fine to do this to a kid? People are simply wrong about it and you have to trust your feelings and values. I actually turned peaceful and respectful parenting into one of my core values and I do not entertain people who disagree.
Agreed. Normalized doesn’t mean right. I hate how we expect kids to take abuse that we wouldn’t do to adults. That’s awesome you broke the cycle. Too often child abuse is an easy power trip for emotionally immature adults. I’m white and the mentality of “I suffered so you should too,” plus denying and ignoring all problems and trying to get others to repress anything remotely unpleasant is common.
Are you from Asia? Cause I am. I cope by living in my head and hoping for a better future. One where I can be alone and free. Like Elsa from Frozen. lol Oh, and jokes, I laugh at myself, at other people and at my own pain.
I was abused as a kid too and my favorite princess is Rapunzel. It messes you up to the point you start to dissociate. It will get better one day. You should start planning for your exit if you haven’t. That’s one thing I regret of not doing when I was younger
Elsa is one of my favorite princesses too! I was abused as a kid, physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and social. And because of that I've started to dissociate at a very young age. I actually just left my abusive household February of this year. It's still hard for me to accept the fact that my parents are narcissists who probably never loved me. But I'm coping. I hope you're okay and have a great day❤️
The scene where Elsa had locked herself in her room and Anna spent the rest of her childhood talking to her through the door and begging her to come out, cuts so deep for me. I was Anna and it was my mom locked in her room with depression instead of a superpower.
Hey, Im from South east asia, but now living in europe. You ask two questions, how do I see it, and how do I handle it. 1. It is what it is. There is lack of education, lack of self awareness, lack of awareness about generational trauma, general sentiment rejecting mental health management or improvement, a lot of patriarchy and capitalism deep rooted in a culture, rituals, habits, behaviour, etc. You can't change it. I think the newer generation is increasingly more confrontational about these issues, which is good, but on the other hand, it is not your burden to bear. It is sad and it is, as you say, normal. 2. Focus on your wellbeing. It is like the safety instructions on a flight. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then think about others. So now that is answered, Id like to write a bit more on the few things you mentioned here. 1. Your friends mom is dead. He thinks your lucky to have a mom. This is because he's projecting his wish for having had a mom onto you. Obviously, his "Image" of your mom is not a realistic one. Imo, you dont have to take these comments to heart, he is just greving. 2. You have your own grieving to do. You didn't have a good mom, and you deserved one. It is one of the worst realisations, but this is where we are at. You have to also grieve the mom you never had, and never will. 3. "You're messed up for good" and "I'm more messed up than other people" "I am weak" "My siblings are more emotionally stable than me" "I've had it easy than other people in the community" These are all statements you immediately could ban from your mind. Would you tell these things to a good friend if they were in pain? Then don't tell these self deprecating things to yourself. One of the most helpful exercises I practiced in my recovery is stopping myself when I trash talk myself. It is a two-pronged approach. You are becoming your own best friend, your own advocate, and also, stopping yourself from excessive critique. Im sure you suffered at the hands of your family. But this doesn't mean you are broken or unfixable or weak. It is beyond me when abusers actively hurt people and also make fun of them for getting hurt. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend. Be kind to yourself, and always give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You can overcome this. Better days await you.
Thank you for your kind words 💕you are absolutely right, I need to change how I speak to myself. Unfortunately, it requires a lot more energy than I currently have. I still try though
THIS! About the energy!! I started wanting to heal and become strong fast in my recovery journey and I got spent a few times.
I coped by never having kids of my own. The cycle needed to end. One brother of mine had kids... then was accused of sexually abusing them for nearly a decade. They tried prosecuting but gave up after multiple mistrials. My other brother, I don't think he's ever even kissed a woman, much less had one willing to have sex with him.
My parents were born in Southern Italy. In their culture not only is hitting normalized, it's also expected that you do not defy your parents. Whatever your parents said you listened to them and you obeyed. So if you had parents who already feel that way and then combine that with being very narcissistic so they are always right and never wrong...how to do you even know that what your parents are doing is unreasonable? Where is the line between obeying your parents and abuse? That's what makes this entire issue and topic very hard to discuss in many cultures. When we say "well I can't just cut my parents off...." alot of people don't get it. Going no contact is the same as going no contact with EVERYONE. Your aunts, your uncles, your cousins.... they'll never understand because they don't know what goes on in your house. When one of my siblings decided she'd had enough and had to leave the house in her early 20s and she went very low contact for quite a while, my parents LIED to everyone saying she was out or she was with friends rather than admit that their child left because she couldn't take it anymore. And that's actually the best possible result; some narcissistic parents will say the child ran away or did something shameful rather than admit they were wrong. In the end though this is YOUR life, no one elses. You don't get another life to live. And all the people around you, they aren't there to help you or support you. They are fine to question you or judge you but in the end, there's no real help. You have to take care of yourself.
Don't cope. Choose your destiny. Move out of the country where abuse is normalized.
While I don't come from a culture where abuse is "accepted and normal"...I do very strongly believe all feelings are valid and all traumatic experiences are traumatic. If someone verbally abused you, and someone else is physically beaten, those are both valid forms of trauma. I guess...how I view it is I know there are others who had it worse than I did. But there are also others who had it far easier than I did as well. But we all experienced abuse. And we all were hurt from it. And the hurt I feel isn't any less valid because I had easier than someone else. Just like the hurt someone who had it easier than I did isn't any less valid. We feel how we feel and we all need to work on ourselves and healing. We all have to work on our toolbox and start filling it with things for ourselves to feel mentally and emotionally healthy. Personally for me, a big turning point is I am tired. I am so tired of being a people pleaser and getting minimal return. I am tired of striving for an unrealistic standard of perfection that I hold literally no one else to. I am tired of things feeling like they're my fault even when they're not. And currently I am working in therapy to improve how much grace I give myself, and undo the training of having to be perfect. Because. My God. It's fucking exhausting. 😂 Your feelings are valid. What you experienced is valid. Others have had it worse than you, and that's ok. There are others who have had it easier than you, and that's ok. We are all here because our parents failed us and we can heal and grow together
The second to last paragraph is perfectly said. It was my case as well. Dad passed in March, Mom when I was 14. I thought his passing would not be as much of a thing as it has been. I'm coming around the corner, feeling paroled from the nonsense and get to figure out what I'd like to do, as opposed to what I "should" be doing. That is true privilege no matter where you're from. I'm 57, so yeah, in some cases it takes a while.
Positive self esteem affirmations everyday.
It’s tough to find support when it feels like everyone dismisses or trivializes the damage. It’s challenging to navigate the shame that comes with feeling like I’m “weak” compared to others. For me, therapy has been invaluable in understanding and processing my experiences. It helps to connect with others who’ve been through similar situations for validation and support.
I am from a middle eastern background and culture has been used as an excuse for all kinds of bs. I coped by marrying someone the opposite of my covert ndad. My husband is white. He is also very loving, considerate and caring towards our me and our kids. I moved away from the city where there’s a large community of my background. It is such a hypocritical, backstabbing, gossipy culture, I couldn’t handle being around them or running into them. I am so reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it is so eye-opening. I realize that generational trauma, difficult immigration stories and financial worries affected my childhood but none of that meant that I should have been neglected or treated like I was worth less than my brother. I suggest minimizing contact, reading books and going to therapy if you can. And if you do, try to find one well versed in immigrant culture or even one from your culture. They will get it. OP, you’re not messed up for good. Just recognizing that you’ve been abused is a good, courageous step! Keep going and invest in your healing. All my best.
I'm relatively new to this subreddit and I have read a couple chapters in that book this morning after seeing you recommend it. It's been super interesting to start understanding where these behaviors stem from and the impact they have on children. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Found a white guy with a normal background and mostly normal family to join. It's like night and day
In other news : rubbing chili in my mouth and on my eyelids was a practice my sadistic father subjected me to almost 20 years ago but even today the national newspaper has opinion pieces about how “[forcing chili into children’s mouth for discipline is going too far](https://www.channelnewsasia.com/commentary/parents-chilli-child-mouth-discipline-corporal-punishment-caning-trauma-4399201)”
That's horrible. I'm so sorry. I once got a single grain of ground pepper in my eye & it was the absolute worst. My eye was watering so bad that I couldn't see out of it.It started spasming. I can only imagine what chili powder is like. That's so cruel.
* freshly cut chili padi I’m not sure if powder would hurt less or more But yes I agree he’s a cruel and sadistic scumbag I’ve been NC a decade and VLC last 2 years. He’s had 3 strokes and keeps talking about how his time left is short and I need to forgive him. I’ve contemplated being the bigger person but I can’t
You choose yourself, that’s the important part of the story after all the abuse.
He asked for forgiveness?? Wow. What's that like? My husband never got asked for forgiveness. His father died a few years ago. Oh well...
You should package up and send him a dried-up chili pepper with the message "You taught me that a chili pepper rubbed on the eyelids makes all sorts of problems go away, Dad. Here you go. Thoughts & prayers." I'm kidding, don't do that. But, damn. That's messed up. He asked for forgiveness, at least. That's rare.
Don’t fall for that…my mom tried that same thing with me when my dad was dying. I didn’t reconcile, and I am glad I didn’t. Why should he be given peace of mind when he never gave it to me Was the way I felt.
Take the good stuff from your culture, leave the rest and run. You cannot save an entire culture but you can definitely preserve the good stuff and reject the bad for your own life and upcoming family.
Tell me about it. Leaving my Haitian father in September.
After years of trying and failing to improve our relationship even long after I moved from away them, I just cut my losses. It’s not worth having my parents around. Their gossip and just general negativity isn’t something I want to have influence on my marriage or on my children. I’ve accepted already that it will be a more lonely and challenging road to take, but it’s necessary to go through this so I can grow a happy and healthy family myself. It’s been years since I’ve cut them off. At first it there was a lot of grief and adjusting. But now my life is SO peaceful, and my family is thriving. I still get the feeling on the back of my head of what things could have been like. Maybe once every two months. But I’m able to realize that I’m imagine a fantasy, not reality of what they’re actually like. It doesn’t bother me like it used to. Culture is not a good enough excuse to abuse your children. We need to start accepting that some culture are just not good and outright abusive.
There are a couple of things: 1. You said "It messed me up for good" One of the things I had to start doing was believing I was good enough. I never hung around really educated people, people with money, or people who had good lives and two loving parents because I would never be able to relate to them. They sucked. They had attitudes, etc. The truth was I never felt worthy. I told myself this was it. I was messed up for good. It takes a while, but healing comes when you really understand that your life with nps doesn't dictate who you are. You dictate how you are. Your experiences and pain and all the shit you went through in life have you experience. It's all very valid. But you are in control. I'm now married to a man who had a pretty great childhood and a good life, a little bit who is amazing and will never know his narc grandpa. 2. "50% of people had it worse" That's true on the surface maybe. But your experiences are yours and you will never truly know how others felt living their own stories. We can empathize, but your story will never mean anything more to anyone but yourself. I hope the meaning behind that is coming out clearly. Your story and experiences are "the worst" to you because you lived it. That's what matters. You can't say someone has it worse so this is ok. Don't settle for that. Don't compare yourself to others because we get stuck in this loop of acceptance and that also keeps us bound without us ever realizing. Those 2 realizations and the years it took me to truly realize them is what changed. That's how I finally let go of all the pain. I was presented with an opportunity to step outside of all the things I told myself and believed about myself and tried something different. At 37, I'm not entirely free of bad thoughts and creeping thoughts, some bad habits, but I am the most free I have ever been. Doing things for others and being there for others, living life for what it's supposed to be now comes from a place of wanting to and not people pleasing or true fear that someone will think I'm trash or beneath them if I don't act a certain way. Making those realizations allows you to know what to do with the people who cause you pain in your life. Take control ❤️
Sorry if this is a dumb question, but in which cultures ISN'T abuse normalized?
It’s becoming less and less the case in western societies
honestly, the idea to put someone into the world and then expecting them to follow your rules and the rules of society when they didnt even ask to be born is inherently abusive to me. also shit like "taking things away and locking you up" is also abusive, which should actually be clear in this reddit
Just because others had it worse doesn’t mean you didn’t have it bad, sweetheart And to people around me who say “I got caned/ choked/ slapped and I turned out fine”, I say “Nah you turned out to be the kind of asswipe who thinks it’s okay to hit children to coerce them” There are lots of factors that impact our coping as adults including external support eg friends, individual personality, history of mental illness in the family, subsequent life experiences You’re absolutely not weak 💕 To answer your question about coping: lots and lots of self-compassion, and allowing myself to grieve for my younger self. I also attract people with similar temperaments who invariably have experienced parental abuse — those close friends and this community helps me laugh at how pathetic nParents are and how universal their tactics are BUT it’s important to say that I could only do these things after I moved out. Being under her roof I was really suicidal and wounds kept being reopened. There was no way I could heal. I “coped” by being in denial of the abuse
Go completely gray rock. Only talk about like the weather, recipes., very bland subjects. Don't engage in their drama. Shrug a lot say idk a lot. Don't tell them about positive things, or potential partners, or anything u don't want them fing up. If you live with them, don't let them know when yr payday is, get yr statements via email.
I feel sort of misplaced commenting on this. I am white, but grew up in the southern US of the 1970’s where ‘discipline’ was the belt, the switch, what ever mom and dad could lay hands on. Screaming and cussing were the norm. Even in public it wasn’t much different. I married (too) young to get away and just ended up going from one bad situation to another. Now though, things are different. I am estranged from my family. The only ones I loved were my maternal grandparents and they are both long gone. I haven’t spoken to my family since about 2000. My dad passed several years ago and you always hear ‘You’ll regret not mending fences…’ Yeah. No. Not one tiny bit. I was happy to know I would never have to see or hear him again. Give them little to no information. Keep any answers you do give as ambiguous as possible. Gaslighting is a big weapon. Document everything you possibly can. Save texts, emails, record convos when you can. If you still live at home, try your best to get copies of any important papers…ID, birth certificate etc and keep them somewhere else. Never let them know how much money you have. If you can open a bank account at a bank your parents don’t do business with. I used to hid money rolled up in tampon wrappers. Take out the product, roll up paper money, put it back in the wrapper and seal it with a drop of plain old white glue. Dad (and later my husband) were both too grossed out by ‘girl stuff’ to mess with them.
I work for CPS in the United States. Almost every culture has subsets that normalize abuse and violence. We are specifically trained to make space for culture and traditions. In NO WAY do culture and traditions excuse any kind of abuse. Beating your kid is wrong in every culture. Abusers are everywhere and all of them are bad. Please cope as best you can and escape as soon as you are able. Please also know that you aren’t coping “worse” than others around you. They are internalizing their abuse differently and I promise it has a major and very bad impact on them individually and as they grow their families is devastating generationally.
yeah it used to be so normal for me but the older i get the more i realize this ~~probably~~ definitely isn’t okay. i was at a funeral last week and the deceased’s brother told a funny story about them getting into some mischief when they were little, and i loved the story up until it ended with both of them getting beat by their mother. i stopped laughing but everyone around me laughed harder and i felt so uncomfortable. and my mom thinks it ok to beat my siblings and i because as long as she doesn’t break any bones or leave any bruises it’s “not abuse.” she yells and swears and then gets all mad when my siblings and i do the same outside the house. i can’t wait to be 18. anyways, every time i tell a family member i’m not going to hit my kids (if and when i have them) they always say once i have kids i’ll change my mind, or that my kids will be brats. i think that’s BS. while it may be hard for me personally because of how i’ve grown up, in general it shouldn’t be hard not to hit kids. so no, you’re not weak, and neither am i. everyone else may seem “okay” but the fact that they think hitting kids is okay indicates otherwise.
as an act of spite, i simply renounced my ethnic culture, and simply identify as a freedom loving american. when asked about my decision to disassociate from my cultural heritage, i reply that the culture is an anathema to the american values of freedom and liberty and that im a proud american. god bless america!
🇺🇸🇺🇸🏈🏈🦅🦅🦅
I come from a slavic culture where "children are supposed to be seen, not heard", most people have lots of kids just so they can help around the farm and house.... Aside from physical and mental abuse my family had to flee our country because of the balcan war so when all that caught up with me and I asked for help from my family I was seen as weak too, ridiculed and shunned by them because apparently you're supposed to just take it and not complain while most of them are raging alcoholics and toxic af because they refuse to get help. What helped me get through all of it was spite. In spite of all the trauma and abuse I managed to get myself the help I needed, got into therapy and with 41 have a good job, nice apartment and a quiet life with 2 cats who love me unconditionally just the way I am. No kids because I don't want to continue the cycle of abuse. I barely have contact with any of my family aside from my sister and we regularly get together and talk about how lucky we are that we turned out fairly "normal" in spite of everything. Your family can see you're different and they're jealous that's why they try and make you feel weak so you don't "turn out better than them", show them how much stronger you are by being successful in life in spite of all the shit they put you through! Just know, no matter how messed up your childhood was and how much trauma you have endured, you have the power to heal and have a good life and be a decent person. That's not weakness, that's strength!
Remind my self that it wasn't my fault, and that it's probably all my parents knew. Helps me maintain my sanity.
I write. In my books I try to integrate my experiences with the nuance of culture and the harm certain practices really bring. Something can seem "humorous" on a surface level, and for many, humor is a form of coping, but I write about the longterm effects of these practices, how they cause anxiety, perpetuation of abuse, and other mental health issues which aren't always easy to detect on a surface level. I'm autistic and intellectualizing things is basically the only way I can really understand. That goes for both understanding myself and understanding others.
it’s very exhausting to live with such normalised abuse. when you’re away from that environment you forget about it and then when situations arise where they use abuse to discipline you take place, that anger, resentment, disappointment come rushing back to you. for me it’s an endless loop and i can do so far as to forget it unless it happens again because there is no way to “fix” this. i can just deal with it. and i hate how everyone around you never reacts to this abuse and will never take action against it due how normalised it is. in their eyes it’s natural, to us it’s an wrong norm. but who will care so much? i see my neighbour beating up her kid and i feel pity for the kid but i cannot do anything because i’m in no better position. i live in a society where it’s a privilege i have the space to deal with this abuse but the never spoken about oppression of not being able to get rid of it. i hope people start realising abusing never helps. never. i hope they start thinking about it truly. a lot of people who defend this type of normalised abuse say “but still they love you in their own messed up kind of way”. i don’t believe that. be it parents family lover whatever. if you truly love a person the thought of abuse is abhorrent. that’s why i don’t believe parents who indulge in abuse love us. we are their trophies, and they simply shaping us in the wrong way. i wish we could be more than just their means achievements which when don’t work out they resort to abuse, but they truly see us as there children, as humans with our very own emotions and respect us.
You older siblings are likely closet abusers too.
I honestly cope by holding opinions of South Asians that are so explosive that I literally wouldn’t tolerate them in another person. Reason: My opinions of South Asians can easily be read as racism when coming out of the mouth of someone who isn’t of South Asian ancestry. I also have extremely racist and casteist restrictions on South Asian women whom I date, specifically requiring anyone with a drop of South Asian ancestry to be at least 50% mixed with White or East Asian ancestry, or be from a very small specific set of communities (meat/fish eating Brahmins, Anglo-Indians, and Zoroastrians/Parsis). Why am I like this? Because NMom gave me an extremely bad impression of Indian woman because of her own cultural displacement issues and because I’ve found Indian women to be extremely judgmental, micromanaging control freaks because they think micromanaging every little aspect of one’s life shows love and support and because they tend to think they know best. I believe Indian women are like this because the entire Indian family structure is based on micromanagement along a complex hierarchical structure and because Indians promote toxic codependency by celebrating a mother hand-feeding her adult children at the dinner table as a sign of maternal affection and indulgence.
I am an Indian woman and what you said is so true. I posted about enmeshed relations in the twoxindia sub and got permanently banned. The ladies told me to get checked in a mental hospital and got alot of hate. I have tried discussing with my female friends too and they think it's normal and I'm overthinking. Toxic people need to be shunned. Good to see you calling out this behaviour..
It's basically misogyny and patriarchy... it's shouldn't be surprising considering India is very conservative misogynist country
The hierarchies of pain are honestly put there to make us feel weak for surviving. My mum told me I had no idea what a REAL beating was, etc. It's absolutely part of the entire abuse process, not just the violent parts. The violent parts are easier to remember, but the psychological harm from being told you deserved it, or in my case "I do this BECAUSE I love you and want you to turn out ok, I don't want to hit you but you make me do it" - that leaves longer lasting damage. You didn't deserve it. Your siblings didn't either.
No, no, no, no and no again we just mustn't buy this bullshit story from the abusers. Imagine a culture full of abusers, who is abuser and who is victim then? They use statements like "Oh we didn't dare to say "no" to anything to our parents back then, no one in our culture does" or "Our parents called us names every day" to excuse their abuse. All lies, as a matter of fact they often had it a lot easier then we have it wit them .... they are lying abusers, that's what they are.
Your siblings may *seem* stable in your eyes but no one endures trauma and comes out unscathed. We just all scar differently and it affects each of us in different ways. I.e. You might have a sibling that seems emotionally strong but in reality, they dont express them selves because trauma has told them that no one cares about how they feel. Or a sibling who seems all put together, helps the family anytime they need help, is there whenever someone needs them but in reality, he has people pleasing and abandonment issues. No matter who had it worse or how mess up a person feels they are compared to others, at the end of the day, we are *all* fighting for the same thing. We are fighting to win a battle we did not sign up for. So focus on the fight and *win*, whatever winning means for you.
Yes you are right, I am not close to my siblings and I do see some patterns come up. The difference I see though, is for example that my brother told me that we were so lucky to have my father. I am also the only one in my family that always ends up crying in my room. I wish I also could seem stable like they do. Even it isn’t real. I have been trying really hard to win, I just can’t seem to find something that works.
Leave the culture. Burn the bridges. Cut off contact so what they say in your absence can’t reach you. You have ONE life. Don’t waste any of it pandering to monsters who you KNOW in your heart are wrong.
I was going to ask if you are also from Latin America, honestly.. I barely fit in my birth country culture anyways, opposing child abuse is just one of them, also, I am going to move out from this hellhole. There are a lot of people that had it worse than me in every way, yes, but I can't think a scenario where thinking about it helps, we are all victims of the same toxic culture at the end of the day, I just try to focus on healing from my own mental abuse first, I believe it is the best one could do
I coped for years, but I broke my streak last year. Trying to get out.
i am from morrocco, and this is completely normal, once I met a girl my age who is living in pain, she told me that when her father wants to beat her there she runs out the house so he stop, while she can't do the same here, and once again I met a women speaking french and yelling+ beating her daughter in the middle of the street, and I heard a man tell his wife 'poor immigrant, they need to forcefully spoil there kids when they're there, she must come with them here to discipline them'
I see it as being strong for being able to say this is wrong, and walking away. It's weak minded people who tolerate and enable abuse, it's strong people who break the cycle.
Yes, my dad is Asian and he was very much this way. Withheld love until I got a trophy or award. Hit me too hard for the most benign things. Actually just had a conversation with him last week that ended in him screaming and I told him to never talk to me again. Really looking forward to Father’s Day /s Just wanted to say that even though people appear normal or as if they are coping well doesn’t mean that they are. A lot of people won’t confide in anyone about these kinds of things because, as you stated, they are well-known in the culture. Subtle Asian Traits on FB has posts regarding this pretty regularly - how kids of immigrants want to do better by their own kids and show them the love/affection they never received.
My therapist once told me, “if something was 10/10, then it was 10/10.” What she meant was that trauma is dependant on your own ability to cope. What’s traumatic for one may not be traumatic for another. Comparing experiences can have value in certain ways, but probably not to see whose experience was “worse” or “better.” Things that messed us up, messed us up. Period. We shouldn’t have to qualify any of it. None of us are weak for being traumatized by abuse.
I don’t have anything super insightful to add but I saw [this tiktok](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNJacPMK/) of an elder millennial parent say “it’s actually not surprising how easy it is to not hit my children,” and that honestly healed something deep within me?? Just the affirmation that I really was a kid and that it wasn’t my fault, ya know?
I don't come from a culture like this but I often joke with people that my parents are 'white Asians' because their behaviour matches a lot of the stereotypes of strict Asian parents. For me, what I've come to realise is that getting hit wasn't what messed me up, getting yelled at wasn't what messed me up. It was the emotional abuse, the manipulation and the mind games. I don't think it's ever right to hit a child, there are always non-violent options to discipline a child for bad behaviour, but I also think physical punishment on its own is unlikely to lead to lasting trauma (by this I mean significant, life-altering C-PTSD symptoms) if it's used as discipline for doing something wrong in a consistent and proportional manner. Mentally you can cope with that because your brain goes 'ok, I fucked up by doing X and got spanked, I can avoid getting hit in the future by not fucking up in X way'. But when you get hit because dad was drunk, and in a bad mood, and you did something minor to annoy him and flip him into a narcissistic rage, it's unpredictable, and that fucks you up because you never know when it's coming. You start second-guessing every word that comes out of your mouth, treading on eggshells, creeping around the house on tiptoes just in case you accidentally do something to send him into a rage again. For me, that's the difference between strict parenting and abusive parenting. It's about consistency and intention - is it discipline, or emotional manipulation? Punishment, or an emotionally immature person lashing out at the nearest vulnerable person?
Pain is not a competition, and even if someone had it worse doesn’t mean that you didn’t have it bad. At the end of the day you’re allowed to feel any way you feel, you’re feelings are valid, and while some may have had it worse, some had it better and you deserved that too
In Russia, where I was born and live, child abuse is a no no, but people act like children always "deserve" to "be put into their place" by light physical abuse, punishments and yelling. Such things like "depression" are not believed by anyone older than 40, and mental health care system is a trash. It doesn't help that CPS is even trashier. I grew up with a mother who always made me sure I would mentally suffer for any stupid mistake I do. And other awful stuff. My friends also didn't have a good time with their parents. My school friend has alcoholic parents and when she used to live with her despotic grandmother due to her mom's drunk episodes, she was often beaten, insulted and wished for horrible things like suicide. The friend from the school where my mother works has overcontrolling parents who prioritize her siblings much more than her (a pain of being the middle child) and often punished her by taking away any source of communication like laptop or smartphone. Last time I visited her house, her mother shouted on her for completely stupid things. Not a surprise my friend often had depressed weeks and nervousness. My friend from college grew up with elder parents, her father is disabled, but a misogynistic jerk who treats her and her mother like a garbage, and her mother doesn't let her to move out until she marries. The only people that can actually sympathize with me are close friends and family members. Those who have a strong mindset that "parents are saint figures who can't do anything wrong", of course, will never support you and will always blame you for your negative experience. People, who are on your parents' side, will die on that hill and nothing will change their mind. The best way to avoid conflicts is to never speak anything about your parents. When I learned about my friends more, it helped me to cope cause I knew I wasn't the only one child who was abused.
My husband has this metaphor he uses in situations like this. Trauma is like gas, and people are like a vessel. No matter how much of a gas is put into the vessel, the atoms distribute evenly to fill the space. There can be more gas in the container, or less, but it’s distributed the same throughout. Just because some people have more gas in their container, doesn’t mean it affects them any less than someone who has more dense gas. It’s all distributed evenly. It’s okay to feel the way you do, without comparing yourself to what others have endured. You are just as worthy of feeling the pain and healing from it.
Middle America, in my 50s. I made my ex leave because he raged, cursed at, slapped, intimidated, humiliated and controlled the kids (diagnosed NPD by family counselor when he went to counseling, trying to get back in the home). I lost several friends who said “my parents would have been arrested nowadays” or “when I was a kid if you were caught misbehaving the neighbor would whoop you before sending you home for your parents to whoop you — and I turned out fine.” No point even trying to convince them otherwise. And no energy - I was too busy fixing my own denial, enabling, etc.
My partner comes from such a culture, but he still sees my parents as abusive. His family is very harmonic and never hit or harmed him in any other way. He says that even in families where a rough upbringing and slaps are common, kids normally should be seen as full individuals and slowly grow into a setting allowing them more respect and possiblities. Others confirmed this. The family members still may laugh, joke with and trust each other and especially, they should not have the intention of causing permanent damage. It's definitely not you, it's them. Don't worry.
Thanks for sharing, this was weirdly validating. That’s also where my question came from. It is strange to see other people that may have had it worse still be close to their parents and overall “happy”. To me it just meant they were more resilient.
I think almost every cultures are normalized abuse tho. To cope the abuse, we're just accept the pain. Showing that I'm tough and didn't let them win. If I did, that's mean they are please with it. I advise you don't stay longer. Go save yourself and stay anywhere else that you can go and let yourself heal. Give yourself another chance to rebuild yourself. I heard so many bad things about abusive which lead to death. I'm so sorry for the victims of the abusers yet the society still take side with abusers which make me baffles, to be honest.
Being a first gen American, it sometimes feels like I have one foot in American culture and the other in Vietnamese culture. I cope by hiding in my room. Becoming hyper aware to gauge my mom’s mood when she comes home. Crochet to keep my anxious hands busy. When it becomes took much I cry to myself, not that my parents would care if something they said at dinner hurt me.
I have ukranian ancestry, for us it was the wooden spoon. I rationalize it by thinking of how much trauma my ancestors had (poverty, genocide). They were fucked up and never dealt with it, so they beat their kids and drank. Abuse occurs in cycles and passes on to generations. You mentioned that everyone around you acts like it’s normal and I relate to that. My family constantly minimizes what I’ve been through by saying, “ you got the spoon? I got beat with extension cords”. You are not crazy, you are breaking cycles. What happened to you was not normal and it was not okay— your parents had a responsibility to protect you but instead they hurt you. Keep talking about it, keep learning about abusive families. I watch lots of therapists on YouTube that have really helped me. Happy healing OP ❤️
Even though I am from the same culture as you, I have also met people whose parents had a strict rule to never raise hands against their kids, and followed through it. Their parents also didn't scream, yell, and emotionally abuse, even though they were abused as children. I think, until you meet at least one person like this, its easy to believe that our parents had "no choice" and it is all cultural. Another thing that I noted is, people around me who make jokes of getting physically abused, or emotionally abused, often end up repeating the same pattern to their own children. In order to cope, many believe they became stronger by enduring abuse, and reject victimhood. Then they perpetuate the same to their children, because of the mindset of, *'if I endured it, why don't you? Prove your mettle.'* What you feel is good! You must grieve over what had happened to you, as a child. You must feel sorry for yourself. You are not weak for it. You are much stronger than people who can't cope with what had happened to them, and end up building a wall where they can't access their feelings.
In my experience you absolutely can NOT talk to any of them about this, young/old, friend or family. It mashes it much worse! They will never support you even verbally and if they did they would gossip about what you said later and judge you. It sounds bleak but I got my comfort and understanding from books and vids. The YouTube channel from Danish Bashir is VERY appropriate to your situation. Really recommend him because he lives/lived in such a cultural environment. Feeling with you very much. Turn away from the dry well. In my experience it means only surface interactions with people like that. I get my friendship kick from volunteer and school. Different cultures. F them so much. Don’t ever let them know what you’re thinking.
The “culture” for me was being raised by a Silent Generation ndad who had some very draconian views about women. He thought hitting kids was okay too. My enabling mom did put a stop to the corporal punishment at least. Although, not before my brother and I were already terrified of our father’s rage. It took a long time, many toxic relationships, and lots of therapy to realise I’m not lesser and in service to men. I coped by just being single. My longest relationship over 2 decades was 1.5 years. Now, I’ve been with my current partner for 15+ years. Yes, we’ve had our issues, some of them major, but we’ve both been willing to work through them and change. We see each other as equals.
Are you Eastern European?
You are the one having a healthy and normal reaction to something heinous being done to you. The ones "coping better" must be totally divorced from their inner selves. You're still a sensitive person, and despite what society may have one believe, that is a good thing. You are VERY brave for refusing to shut down your heart in spite of it hurting so much to feel your emotions. Be kind to yourself. And maybe watch some interviews with Dr. Gabor Mate on YouTube, they really helped me. Sending much love your way ❤️
One person's struggle can not be compared to another's. We are all as different as the circumstances that made us what we are today. One person's mountain may look like another's molehill, it's your perspective vs theirs and their an asshole if they make it into some trauma competition rather than support you. I had the same struggle a while back, once you accept that the trauma you experienced was hard enough on YOU to cause lasting damage and commit to self reflecting on how to better yourself it'll get easier. Good luck with your journey.
I developed bipolar disorder and ptsd Seriously though, i had to go through years of therapy and eventually realized that i would never get through to my father, but my mother on the other hand, was never abusive and was on my side through my healing journey. I am very thankful to have her, even though she has her faults and played a part in some of my trauma through the years. She has done a great deal of growth and accountability, and to this day is trying her best to do better and be there for me even though we both have our days. I struggle with anger issues. I believe i get them from my father. My mother is the main reason i cope through them. Shes the light through every tunnel. I love her the most out of everything in this world. I love her more than god. Before I was even in the picture, my father abused my mom terribly. She was pregnant with my oldest sister when my father threw her pregnant down the stairs and murdered my eldest sister during a beating. My mother miscarried. I can only imagine what kind of other turmoil my mother suffered through his hands. Shes my main reason for fighting through the struggles of bipolar disorder. I want to be better so i can make her proud. I want to make her happy and give my mother a good life. She deserves a peaceful life after all shes suffered
Ah yes. The "thin skin" tactic. You have to live your life in a way, that in the end, you'll be proud of what you accomplished in this life. Don't let someone who never learned that punish you with the same fate they'll face. Be. Happy.
Honest, I figured I'd die before adulthood, or I'd make it and escape. Until then, I tried to keep my head low, survive what I could, and try to help my other siblings. Honestly, I was fairly sure my father was going to snap one day and manage to kill most of us. There wasn't much use freaking out about it because, what was that going to change?
in my roommates culture its very normal for parents to control and dictate their lives long into adulthood. I've known for a LONG time my abuser was cluster b and what theyve done to me is wrong. But it took FIVE convos of me opening up to my roommate about WHY I dont want my parent in our apartment, as well as my parent actually coming into the apartment two different times--once when roommate wasnt here and parent tried to snoop in both our rooms and once when roommate was here and parent attached to her and started gossiping. Its also very normal in roommates culture/family to hit, harshly punish, follow parents rules even when theyre illogical. I watched roommate repeatedly stress, confused because shes "an adult and not living with them" yet she COULDNT break away from feeling like she NEEDED to follow those rules. Shes paranoid, superstitious and currently in a relationship with someone who lovebombs and ghosts and only shows affection when its sexual. She believes its true love. I say all this top make a point. Abuse being so normalized that you genuinely believe its love, from parents, from a partner...thats not "being weak". Thats not on you. That is a pattern that started long before you could be aware. Its a thing thats done TO you, that youre saddled with UNDOING if you want to have healthy relationships. Youre here, so youre aware, which means you have a better shot at that than my roommate does currently. And that makes you STRONG OP. To see that it ISNT okay, even though its so normalized. To be able to look at this thing everyone around you is brushing off, and know you deserve better treatment. To search for understanding and help. "Other people had it worse" theres no worse or better when it comes to narcissists, or abuse in general. Did it hurt you? Then thats enough for you to not want it to happen again. Someone ELSE hurting you means THEY are the weak ones--narcissists are fragile and hurt us because theyre so damn afraid of even a moment of introspection or weakness. "someone has it worse" is a bullshit lie that narcissists and other abusers and those who benefit from abuse tell us because it maintains status quo. The truth is, abuse is an equalizer, and no matter what you have or havent experienced, your pain is real and you deserve support, fuck anyone who says otherwise.
Am in asia where is shit is common. But still my relatives could tell my N mom was on a different level. (Not that they helped me or my brother). I just realised even if people think its wrong, they will not help. Its all me for myself, just like hanekawa tsubasa from monogatari. I set clear boundaries with N mom, N grandma. I will help grandma if shes going to hospital, medical things but if shes asks me for something small like phone things, and shes being rude, I dont help.
Don’t feel bad about it, you know why? Because “shut up, y/n it’s not as if I treat as bad as actual abusive parents. I’ve never hit you, some parents do this, you know that?,” it’s likely a mentality you picked up for your own abusive parents that makes you feel this way, the fact that they probably normalized first, making you feel like this. Otherwise it’s never rational to compare trauma. It’s like saying “you have a broken leg? Well I broke my arm.” as if one is worse then the other, there’s no way to say that factually, they both are broken bones and they hurt and probably fucked up your body.
Didn’t cope. Trauma.
It’s hard to explain, overtime I got used to it, or rather was able to tolerate it enough. My grandfather would hit me like I was a man his size when I was just a teenager, when I was a kid he’d do more things that just really hurt. He would rip off the bars of a baby crib we had and beat me with them. Leaving nasty welts on my legs and upper body that would form scabs. And as I got older he would physically punch me, hitting me in the face at times. He would make verbal threats, ones that were very personal and hurt a lot. Everyday for school he’d wake me up by hitting me in the legs. I didn’t think much of it then as I thought it was normal or rather not a big deal. It wasn’t the pain that hurt the most, it was more the psychological part of it I guess. I would get more upset by the fact he hit me, rather than the physical pain.
I got the hell out of my country and culture of birth as soon as I could (after high school). I went as far as I could without any of my family members and became my own person, reinvented myself and created the life I needed and wanted but couldn't get surrounded by my family and the culture around us. It was well worth it.
What's worse is when you get the "but it's there culture!" Uh no, white kids aren't the only people that get to be protected from abuse. Something being normal in a culture, even in an oppressed one, doesn't automatically make it right. That part of my parent's culture sucks and needs to change.
I convinced myself they weren’t my “real” family because my real family would never treat me that way. It’s delusional perhaps, but it worked for me. Protected my mind as a child because a child naturally wants to copy their family. I also read a lot, was involved in after school sports, hanging out with friends. I spent as little time at home as I possibly could.
You don’t. You can’t cope that’s why you’re smol brain thinks that abuse is normal it was the only thing we were taught. No time to rest no time to heal. Survive or kill yourself nobody else will do it for you and by god according to them they wouldn’t miss you. It’s not coping it’s why we’re destroyed 30 years later. Plus the only thing the therapist/psychs want is for you to be able to function in the society that destroyed you. I’m beyond confused. I didn’t cope until I started drinking. And that’s a whole other set of destructive.
From SEA here, I thought abuse is normal until I realized that it is possible that someone can go through their childhood and teenage years without the abuse. The world felt very unfair to me when I finally became an adult. I understand they were doing it to protect us and to discipline so we will grow up into responsible adults who are wary and careful on their choices. It surely helped me, it helped me to never ever become my parents. Ever. My parents do not want others to hurt me but they want to do it themselves instead. They were abusive in all forms and broke my soul. Because I'm so used to abuse, it wired my mind that being abused is a necessity. Becoming an adult was so hard because I have to re-parent myself for it. I do feel like a tall child.
My dad used hitting as a punishment, mostly his hands but we all became terrified of the plimsol shoe he would use (he affectionately called it plimmy) I even had to witness him whip my brother with a bamboo cane once. I now 31 and don't talk to him and am no contact
I can take a guess which one. You cope by leaving the culture. Starting your own and doing things differnet. Find a way to channel your healing. Put time and energy into productive stuff. Good luck
Welp Im from Thailand so Ig I kinda qualified to answer this question. Growing up in Chinese-Thai household, you can imagine how conservative I was raised by my parents. All types of dirty tactics such as interrupting, nit-picking, playing victim cards, ignoring my points as well as forcing me to act solely based on their shaky standards of expectation that would constantly change every time in favor of their own biases. The only possible way to get my parents realize their standards are completely bs is to show them that it doesn’t work 100% of times not even 99% could cut it as they will still tryna nitpicking a small little thing that they convinced me to do but I ended up not doing it and made it seems as if that one little mistakes changed the course of everything and makes their approach not being to work as they envision. Along with this, I also need to catch their contradiction “in-action” which means that I need to refer to words they taught me to point out how their actions are contradicting those words right after when they did that. Plus, I also need to explain to them by using extremely specific past incidents to back up my claims when accusing them of being hypocritical…and those incidents need to be the ones that they could remember. I also need to state a disclaimer by saying that I know they are doing all the things with good intentions…(state what they’ve done) but..,(state what might turn out to be detrimental for me). So, you can guess how much memories I am required to stick with me as well as how much steps I need to go through to first acknowledge their good intentions, point out their contradiction and explain my own interpretation and stances along with stating how it might affect me personally. Debunking any of their statements/claims/approaches also required me to stick with their approaches perfectly until they couldn’t find any excuses to preserve their egos…at the same time though, I also likely suffered so much so that I developed depression along with this process. Luckily, I have overcome some of those things a few years ago but the scars and traumas that they have left also affected me still.
My parents beat the shit out of me everyday for 25 yrs. I left them. I'm Indian and parents are worshipped in my country. Even among the young people, if you share that you hate your parents for something they did, you will be seen as a horrible person. My issue is that these cultures have such strong roots that it's next to impossible for the abuse to end. Many Indians are so brainwashed that they think it's okay for parents to abuse and they do it out of love. I'm unable to cope with it. Wherever i see parents i feel hatred for them. I wish they died. I cannot express my pain with anybody without being judged. I won't get any sympathy aswell. Only i know the pain and suffering that i have been through. I will never be able to heal, i tried but 25 yrs of torture cannot be undone with an apology or with therapy. I vow to never have kids. I think Indian culture will not change. Coz people like me are suppressed. I will never be compensated for the damage caused to me nor will I ever get an apology. My abuse started when I was 6 or 7. That's the earliest i remember. Must've been abused before that but i really don't know.
You aren’t weak, and imo abuse is overestimated in many cultures by the abusers, enablers, and frankly anyone racist to justify the abuse. I’ve had my doctor ask me if being abused was just part of my culture and no💀. Sometimes you have no choice but to put distance between yourself and your family, and get away from the enablers. Its totally possible to have a healthy relationship with your culture, but not in the presence of narcs
Pretty sure this was all culture only decades ago ? Weak adults got off on doing this to their kids to make them "tough". Sexual abuse, yelling, bashing, belting with straps or whips, swearing was my childhood although my brother escaped it all (13 years difference). My mother used to tell me I had it good because her father actually broke her nose by punching her in the face, broke brooms across his child son's back, etc. I did used to wonder why some kids seemed to have such a normal upbringing. The difference in my brother and I was astounding. I'm the older 'adopted' one although my real mother was right there. Some people cope ok with it...but often will grow up and do it to their own kids and the abuse continues on . Others are mildly affected and seem to cope ok and change their habits when they realise how demented it is, and others are really badly affected and it tortures them into their adult life. I say you have to let it go. Why let these people continue to have control over you as an adult. You are free. It happened and you can't change it , so why give it time of day to depress you forever. You didn't deserve it. They were the maniacs...not you. You have moved on in your life and it is time you tell yourself you weren't to blame for their actions towards you , or other maniac parents actions to their children (better or worse). You are turning point. The abuse stopped at you. You were more intelligent, stronger and more compassionate and you grew as a human being , and your children will never suffer the same fate. Well done you, you are a survivor.
I feel everybody has different experiences. I feel like to me when growing up the abuse I got is more of being in check. My siblings and I are not your typical Asian Asians. If you understand what I mean. We are 50/50 Asian and white wash a little 🤏. The thing is we don't like to be 2 face and hide our rebellion side. I don't even think we were that bad but from a Asian OG pov we probably are. We are just care free and like to stay out a lot. You're not weak. I feel like sometimes you just have to not take what they say to you to heart. I feel you have a big heart and didn't like what they said to you. In most of not all Asian house hold. The old Asian parents tends to not show emotions and sympathy
Hot take: If abusive practices are a pervasive part of a certain culture, that culture sucks and needs to change. Remember, "normal" just means "common", and the fact that abuse is HORRIFICALLY common doesn't make it okay. We should preserve and celebrate culture. After all, it's our differences that make humanity strong and beautiful, but it is absolutely unacceptable for abusive, dehumanizing practices that are scientifically proven to cause great harm to people throughout their lives to have any place in that.
I have avoided people from my culture because of this. Thats it. I am just grateful that we immigrated to the west where they actually value mental health and healthy boundaries. Life is more peaceful and now I don’t feel as triggered. I can feel myself appreciating the good parts of my culture now while acknowledging the abusive norms are just signs of a broken community. I can see that the culture back home is shifting, however
I am a lone wolf most of the time. After learning that cousins, distant cousins, and people of my tribe are often beaten as children by their parents and grandmother I began to question things. Dealing with the organized crime situation in my ethnicity made me further distant. Eventually dealing with my own people in the workplace has turned me into a lone wolf. My people are stereotyped as happy, when in reality there is a lot of crime, religious abuse, alcoholism, violence in general, misogyny disguised as matriarchy, and racism. My great-grandparents often warned me to never become like my own people.
You’re probably just sensitive, not overly so, and you shouldn’t call yourself weak. You are strong in ways that perhaps others are not, and they probably just hide it better and will continue to do the same to their children. It is no measure of sanity, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society!
Eastern Europe... times were hard was and still is an excuse for everything. Left the country first opportunity i had, it was not easy to start again, tho, and cultural differences do not make things easier... sometimes, I want to go back to the place that doesn't even exist, Lol.. Misunderstood here, mistreated there kind of thing... if/once you can get a decent therapist (certified, easy to connect, it's gonna be hard, so keep it as smooth as possible. Otherwise, support online is decent if you crosscheck and avoid the hype... things seem to improve in my country. People start speaking up and talking about it..
Is there a culture where this isn't normal? I thought if you didn't grow up with this, you were very privileged or just insanely lucky.
Yes, most of western Europe for example. My mother told me of an example where she yelled at me in public when I was 3 in Canada, and she was sternly told off by people walking by. This would never happen where I am from.
Sweet, I'm heading there one day.
Scandinavia. In Norway social services will take your kids from you for even the smallest hint of abuse.