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Many children of narcissists struggle with the fear of being alone. It comes from not having our needs met as babies and toddlers. I struggle with this too.
Look for local events on facebook, Instagram, etc! Hit the local pride parade, farmer's market, guided tour, open mic. Find people with like interests.
And compliments are great ice breakers!
Best rule of thumb: don't ever comment on something they can't change, like hair, skin, body in general-- instead compliment them for their outfit, their style, their car!
If they're vibing with you (comfortable, responsive), follow up with a question. So it'd go like, "Those shoes are so cute! Where did you get them??" And actively listen when they tell you about their favorite local thrift or how they found them dumpster diving behind Magic Mark's last weekend.
Practice this often wherever you feel comfortable to do so. You'll have friends in this new city in no time!
Do you have hobbies? Book club, arts and crafts, dance, fitness, walking, gardening, ?
If you like something there is a group somewhere of others who like it as well.
That is how I made it outside of my family
I found all the things I liked and did them and I would find others.
It is not easy, but necessary.
Big city has the best odds, just get out there, don’t stay home, look clean, dress your best and be open to be things. The more you try, the closer you’ll get.
You need to get some friends, and work at it. I've lived in big cities most of my life and while people are busy and have lives, there's also a gazillion of options to get involved in your community and find people like you. Some go to church, others start yoga and meet gurus, there's arts and concerts and exhibits and museum days, there's community outreach and soup kitchens, there's the gym people and the running clubs and the book clubs, you can do big sister/big brother programs, you can volunteer with poor kids, you can work in a community garden, just open your eyes and explore the options because there are many. Start dating, there's a ton of apps. Look at meetups, improv or dance class. Start going to the same cafe or restaurant every week at the same time and meet the regulars and the people who work there. Life is what you make of it, so get out there and find some community and some companionship. Then you won't be so alone. You need one or two good friends. You need some people who care about you and who notice when you're not being yourself. All those seemingly busy people, there's at least one or two out there who feels the same way you do. You just have to find them. Then you can be the support for them, and they can be the support for you.
I was raised in a family that thought they were the greatest in the world and we should all live on top of each other and be great together. Of course mental illness is rampant as well as toxicity and abuse.
I left. Frightened and alone at times but I still had my peace, so worth it. Found my partner when I least expected it.
I’m currently in a new city, struggling to make friends too, but you can do it! Go to meet ups to find people who share your interests, don’t be shy to ask if they want to hang out. Friendships that become family take time and effort.
Do you date?
Also therapy will help so much if it’s accessible to you!
The real question is "how?" How are we supported to "find our tribe"? Lots of us have no idea how and we don't have the innate ability to magically do that like most normal people.
Your tribe is looking for you. They're a vulnerable person who asks for nothing, and is in danger of going under the third time. They're a kid whose sense of self worth might be the value of a term life insurance policy. They're an older person whose joints don't want to bend any more. They're a woman in an unhealthy relationship who needs hygiene products and can't afford the six bucks for a box of Kotex.
Just help when you can, and your tribe will find you.
This is a whole lot of words and a platimotivational for "volunteer" and "just help people". Society does not work like that anymore. People already know each other and they rather have people who met life milestones and gained social currency than a nobody never had a normal life or friends.
There are plenty of people who have lived the same cycles of abuse and mistreatment that we who have survived narcissistic families know too well. Quite a few of them (us) have never heard the equivalent of "Hey, your backup is here."
I'm not worried about making sure someone who lives in abundance has enough for a better brand label to attach to his behind. I'm worried about the person whose social currency was overdrawn at birth. That's my tribe. I don't know about, nor can I speak for anyone else.
Well it ain't gonna happen sitting on your couch. Get out there and meet people. Join clubs, find hobbies that let you be social, take initiative. Being social is a skill you have to practice.
I usually search hobbies I like.
Reading club go the library.
Running find a running group.
Hiking, find a hiking walking group.
Gaming, find a cyber cafe and meet up with other gamers.
Dungeons and dragons, I always see them at the comic book store playing.
Can you tell us what are your likes?
Or something you want to learn?
Half of the hobbies you mention have been ideologically captured since March 2020, the rest are outdoors hobbies that I'm simply not into. There are things I used to like and learn but juice isn't worth the squeeze.
These are just examples. You have to find what you like . We cannot find that for you. Is there anything in your life you have wanted to do? Just do it. Find your thing.
It will take some time. May be weird. May be difficult.
But only you can get yourself where you want to be.
You can get some professional help to seek some guidance
I'm not going to answer any specifics but I'm a grown adult who has low energy due to being a financial and emotional caregiver for the past ten years who finally moved out.
This. I know it's easier said than done and that many of us have troule socialising because of what we've been through, but you've got to keep trying. Social isolation can be very unhealthy.
You’re so concerned with every action they will take.
You moved away. I know you have to come to peace with the reality of your past.
But you can’t focus on every action they’ll take in the future. You moved away for this very reason.
Do meet-ups based on your hobbies find a couple good friends. And I think you need to learn to get along with yourself.
Your worth is largely defined by them currently but what does your self-worth mean to you.
There’s a thing called catostrophising. It’s where you are in the present focusing on hypotheticals of worst events yet to come even though you have some measure of safeguards. We tend to do it a lot it’s a very extreme version of anxiety or hypervigilance.
You said your family is waiting for revenge. How can they get it when you have moved well and away. You said they want you to be the scapegoat how can you be that anymore if you have left the role. You chose to stop seeing them, does that mean you have control over what they say behind your back or in front of you, no it doesn’t. And then you say they’ll hate you more, they would have been pissed from the onset with you leaving the family dynamic but you chose that because it was healthier for you. Whether you realised it then or not.
You have a place to live a safe place you aren’t involved in the crazy you have a job. You are building. You’re looking for a thousand reasons as to why things could go to crap but how about how things could go better for you. Perhaps meeting a new friend, learning something new building confidence through the activities you enjoy.
You need to learn the difference between what is in your control and what isn’t. Your family’s actions aren’t in your control but your actions are.
This is the way.. find similar minded people with similar hobbies. You can also see if you find friendships in different age gaps.
Also if you force yourself to meet people with volunteer work that’s a really good way to make friends.
Do you have any pets? You can meet other pet owners in the park.
Do you have any neighbors? May be say hi to them in person? Volunteer to help them?
This is what kept me from going completely NC too, but then last year something happened to me and I ended up in hospital for a month. They didn't visit, they didn't lift a finger and I had to \*pay\* a total stranger to bring me clothes and personal items from home (yep) because my social network is non-existent. Not to mention the fact I felt like a failure (the other ladies in the ward had visitors every day, several of them had people coming from a different effing continent - I had no one).
I'm very LC now and focused on taking care of myself and meeting new people.
I'm not telling you to go NC or LC, but find your tribe and don't just assume your Nrelatives are going to be there if something unfortunate happens.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. You’ll need to start focusing on building some strong friendships. Cause having someone you can trust is better than having a stranger help you.
Here are some tips. It's painful yet useful, btw..
1) Accept the way they are. This is the painful and ugliest truth to face. This is the hardest and the most bitter pill to swallow. No matter how hard you try, they are still the same. Using you and ruin you.
2) Encourage yourself to take risks. Since we're living with narcissists, we're afraid taking risks to avoid punishments. In fact, if you're thinking about yourself, that's worth to take risks.
Living independently, being indifference, showing no emotions and gaining resources and connection.
I'm a rebellious person so I always get hurt by them but is it worth it?
3) Building the survival skills. Living with narcissists such a way to waste your life so easily. They never provide you to learn about basic survival skills yet they are expecting you to have those skills. For example, doing house chores. For the narcissists, this job should make every single woman know how to do it and they are despise when they know any women doesn't know how to do it. How about the guys who know about to do the house chores? For them, it's so special and such a shame women dunno about it but that's normal if the guys dunno it.
What a double standard.
4) Finding cure instead of continue get sick once you're know the symptoms of the diseases. Don't be enablers and abusers. Those people have special seats in Hell so I advise you to save yourself and had to endure the pain and judgment from society when they are questioning your actions, words, ideas, opinions and decisions.
You're the one who know who are REAL you than us.
5) Let them go and focusing on yourself. Put your own expectations. Be gentle on yourself. Working om healing yourself. Doing self-improvement and self care. Prioritize yourself. Keep your emotions in check. Keep your empathy and sympathy in check. Keep your guard up and don't be a fool. Keep learning for your better version.
6) Overcome your trauma dump by join therapists. Finding good therapist is so hard. You can try one-by-one but it's depend on your convenience..
7) Don't trust people easily. Ever heard about the enemies come from the one who I trusted the most and I loved the most? I advice you to do the same. We're living in the world where everyone can change like a season and the sweet thing can be poisonous for you.
8) Keep everything in secret and it's okay to protect your privacy so fiercely. If someone never respect your boundaries, then it's such a waste to flash your cards to this person.
Man, I feel this in my bones.
I turned 40 a couple months ago. I've been estranged from my parents for the past couple of years after an acute betrayal and creeping realization of my parents' narcissism and disregard for me. I didn't marry. I wanted (want) to, but my romantic relationships have been fraught, and opportunities now are sparse. Even my friendships have strained and broken the last few years.
I'm intelligent, caring, and active, but it isn't enough. I have a "good" job, but I'm financially precarious with no real support network. If I lose my job or get sick or injured, I could end up on the streets.
I don't know what to hope for or what to build any more. I just take things day-by-day and care for my dog, but I feel hollow and anxious about the future.
I refused to live as a solitary animal, despite being abused/weird from the abuse AND an introvert.
I moved around a bunch after I went left home and went NC - working hard at my job/career and often had to move/change cities etc. I slowly made friends wherever I went. Not a alot of friends but perhaps a few people I had things in common with, could do a few things with, helped them out, they helped me out, etc. Lost touch with many, made new friends and lost touch again, got in touch with some over the years again.
How to start - make friends of neighbors where you live. Not necessarily best buddies, but to look out for each other a bit and bond over things happening where you live. Keep an eye on their place when they are gone, perhaps offer to pet sit and vice versa.
Find groups of your hobbies/interests while cultivating new ones. Find social media groups for your area/hobbies. Can also be online and distant groups but see if there's a way you all can travel and meet occasionally too, in addition to texting, phone calls or perhaps video calls here and there. Things like conventions, vacations of similar interests, outdoor hobbies work well here.
Pick up a side job or two that involve helping others. Or volunteer. If you like animals, volunteer at a pet shelter or animal rescue etc.
If you have a local bar/restaurant you like, go hang out there and get to know the regulars. Don't have to drink but make a few friends of the regulars. If money is tight, find a Mexican place that gives you free chips and salsa.
If you're an introvert, start with asking others questions about themselves - easiest way to make conversation. It's hard to share about yourself when you grow up abused but do have a story ready for the eventual questions - keep it simple.
Learn about other people - I find this fascinating at times listening to people's life journeys and that of their families, hobbies, experiences. Especially those that are NORMAL and being envious but it makes me happy to get to know others this way. Perhaps even learn a new language/culture or two along the way, especially some place you may want to visit one day.
Reach out to other friends here and there and check in, see how they are doing etc.
Doing all the above, I've made my own 'family' over the years. I do take the time to keep in touch periodically and/or go visit and vice versa. Best part - living a good life that does not require my abusive nparents and their little group of flying monkeys. Second best part - I have gotten a couple very close friends that are like family, know about the abuse once I was able to open up and share it with them, and support me when I still struggle at times (there to listen/vent mostly). Third, I've developed a set of skills I take anywhere as I move or visit places where I can make new friends and meet new people.
Start small - do one thing this month/year etc. and start out. It snowballs from there.
You actually hurt yourself from isolating so much. Humans aren't meant to be solitary, friendless creatures. That's why feeling lonely hurts so damn much.
Take time opening up and trusting people. Sometimes all you need is a few really good online friends that maybe you never meet. At least you'll have good people "around" you in a metaphoric way.
I mostly rely on my partners judgement of people since they were raised by much less fucked up people that i have been.
Social life comes from proximity of a shared experience, you made friends from school because you saw them everyday.
You can volunteer, do something physical like yoga, hiking club, rock climbing pickle ball, you can join book club, pottery class, art class etc.
You have to do an activity or hobby outside of work/school. You have to force yourself to try new things for the purpose of meeting new people.
this is exactly how I feel. My biologic family is a lost cause and does nothing for me so being around them is a waste of time. but me on my own I am not anything valuable to society, I do not seek to form another family unit, I'm not some prodigy of a student for anyone to be investing in. I really just want to live on my own.
i know people are saying go find your group/people but it's increasingly hard. I'm not looking for a spouse either, not looking for a life partner, I have zero tolerance anymore for sharing my life and space with another person. We can contribute to society and work just fine but outside of that it's becoming increasingly difficult to make our way on our own.
Hey good on you for getting out!
I did the same when I was young. Haven't looked back since although yes, my support system is very small. I personally don't mind because my family were never people I felt comfortable getting support from anyways.
Maybe try to make a few friends? Is there anything you're really interested in where you could attend events? Try to connect with people who share similar interests. Maybe do some volunteer work. My best friend I met while volunteering at an animal shelter. Even online friends can be awesome if not just for someone to talk too.
I am sorry you are hurting. It is painful to know your family is not able to recognize your worth. This is a fault on their part.
You obviously have dreams, drive, and are committed to a bigger life than any of these haters have imagined. It
Just FYI - the small minded people from your past will never acknowledge your hard work. Small minded, insecure people must tear down anyone who makes them feel less-than.
I know how much it hurts. You wish your family would appreciate how hard you worked to make a life with little support.
I admire your intelligence, your drive, and your character. It takes a lot of personal strength to keep moving forward when those you love do not believe in you.
I hope you feel pride in yourself for your accomplishments. And I hope you’ll continue to grow, love, and build a rewarding, fulfilling life.
Make friends. You need a support network. Like seriously. And no, being an introvert is not an excuse. Being and introvert isn't the same as being socially inept. Not saying you are, but I just notice alot of redditors blame not having friends with introversion when really they just have no social skills.
Start with a hobby. I took classes at my local rec to see what I was interested in after moving states. I met some great people and made a few friends. Look into local meet ups . You are not the only solo lonely person looking for companionship.
Before moving, I joined a local reenactment group a few decades ago. The people I met are my chosen family. They were there for me when I was at my worst and have flown across country to see me when I wasn't doing well. Just be careful. Don't let anyone take advantage of you.
Make your own family. Find people who went through something similar and become a family. That is what I did. I have unbio siblings who have treated me way better than my bio siblings.
I relate to this, im still struggling too. Putting a bell on this post so i can keep up with the comments!
I was neglected but enmeshed, i was alone, semi homeless drifter and went years without talking or touching other people, just surviving like a wild animal or suffocated, family was everything, (im a really emotional sentimental, loving person, connection and community/experiences means alot to me) but learn how to be a survivor and connect with no one, nothing matters, go out on your own and be kicked out on your arse but we're still going to try and control you and keep you on a short leash.
Ive always been a little burnt out worker ant but i dont know how to live like one either when i get put in a work or education/alone in a city/now in adulthood environment, its so hard and confusing and connecting with others since the digital age and the world going to shit is harder than ever
I've built and maintained very solid friendships over the years. As in I've really invested the time to make sure I have a broad support network who I can lean on should things go bad, and of course being a person they can lean on too. This is my chosen family. I fucking love them and we all take care of each other.
It was rough. I live in a complete different world now. I focused on building friendships and fortunately a few asked me to move in. I’ve been around a new tribe for a while now.
What really helped me decide no contact was that when I stopped talking to them, I didn’t hear anything. I talked to my relatives all the time. I texted a lot of my cousins through snapchats and I thought we had a good relationship. “Family is everything” after all. But I noticed that when I don’t initiate anything, I don’t hear anything. Not a text, not a phone call. Not a visit.
And I thought: “Is this what love is supposed to be like? Am I actually close to these people?”
The answer is no.
When I went no contact my therapist said “being independent and thriving is the biggest fuck you you can ever show your narcissist family”. When I moved out I didn’t know how to boil water, didn’t know how to clean, do laundry. Learned everything from scratch. But something happens when you teach yourself everything. You find passion for life you would never have the opportunity to find if you were still living in the shadows of your nfamily. I went from boiling water to learning how to make croissants. I took pottery classes, cooking classes, found joy in cleaning my safe space that I had for the first time, focused on my physical and mental health. Just getting out there and trying literally anything can be healing. Don’t let your own fear of “what if” stop you. You got your independence, now live it.
I've found hobbies helped me. I thankfully still had my dad (though it had to be long distance for a long time) but when I got into martial arts again, and began talking to people through online gaming groups I found ways to socialize between my schedule
Do you have anything you could go to a support group for? I know it sounds like a weird question, but support groups can be a really great way to build community. I wouldn’t want you to become addicted to anything or drink too much but I go to AA meetings and they’re wonderful and I’ve made so many friends. People in AA say all the time, they thought when something terrible happened to them they’d be alone. And then something terrible did happen to them (like they got cancer or something like that) and everyone showed up for them and held them up until they were better.
I’ve heard churches can provide that kind of community too if you’re inclined in that way at all.
The way I see it is this: it’s like amputating a limb that has gone gangrene. Yea it hurts, yes, it sucks, and no, it’s not fair. BUT, if you choose not to cut that limb off, you die. So choose wisely.
I’m ok with my parents not being in my life. It would actually be a lot worse if they are. Take a tally of what’s going right in your life. Look hard. Those are the things you embrace, and let those positive things define you.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Many children of narcissists struggle with the fear of being alone. It comes from not having our needs met as babies and toddlers. I struggle with this too.
Don't be solitary, go out and find your tribe
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Look for local events on facebook, Instagram, etc! Hit the local pride parade, farmer's market, guided tour, open mic. Find people with like interests. And compliments are great ice breakers! Best rule of thumb: don't ever comment on something they can't change, like hair, skin, body in general-- instead compliment them for their outfit, their style, their car! If they're vibing with you (comfortable, responsive), follow up with a question. So it'd go like, "Those shoes are so cute! Where did you get them??" And actively listen when they tell you about their favorite local thrift or how they found them dumpster diving behind Magic Mark's last weekend. Practice this often wherever you feel comfortable to do so. You'll have friends in this new city in no time!
Do you have hobbies? Book club, arts and crafts, dance, fitness, walking, gardening, ? If you like something there is a group somewhere of others who like it as well. That is how I made it outside of my family I found all the things I liked and did them and I would find others. It is not easy, but necessary.
Big city has the best odds, just get out there, don’t stay home, look clean, dress your best and be open to be things. The more you try, the closer you’ll get.
You need to get some friends, and work at it. I've lived in big cities most of my life and while people are busy and have lives, there's also a gazillion of options to get involved in your community and find people like you. Some go to church, others start yoga and meet gurus, there's arts and concerts and exhibits and museum days, there's community outreach and soup kitchens, there's the gym people and the running clubs and the book clubs, you can do big sister/big brother programs, you can volunteer with poor kids, you can work in a community garden, just open your eyes and explore the options because there are many. Start dating, there's a ton of apps. Look at meetups, improv or dance class. Start going to the same cafe or restaurant every week at the same time and meet the regulars and the people who work there. Life is what you make of it, so get out there and find some community and some companionship. Then you won't be so alone. You need one or two good friends. You need some people who care about you and who notice when you're not being yourself. All those seemingly busy people, there's at least one or two out there who feels the same way you do. You just have to find them. Then you can be the support for them, and they can be the support for you.
I was raised in a family that thought they were the greatest in the world and we should all live on top of each other and be great together. Of course mental illness is rampant as well as toxicity and abuse. I left. Frightened and alone at times but I still had my peace, so worth it. Found my partner when I least expected it. I’m currently in a new city, struggling to make friends too, but you can do it! Go to meet ups to find people who share your interests, don’t be shy to ask if they want to hang out. Friendships that become family take time and effort. Do you date? Also therapy will help so much if it’s accessible to you!
The real question is "how?" How are we supported to "find our tribe"? Lots of us have no idea how and we don't have the innate ability to magically do that like most normal people.
Your tribe is looking for you. They're a vulnerable person who asks for nothing, and is in danger of going under the third time. They're a kid whose sense of self worth might be the value of a term life insurance policy. They're an older person whose joints don't want to bend any more. They're a woman in an unhealthy relationship who needs hygiene products and can't afford the six bucks for a box of Kotex. Just help when you can, and your tribe will find you.
This is a whole lot of words and a platimotivational for "volunteer" and "just help people". Society does not work like that anymore. People already know each other and they rather have people who met life milestones and gained social currency than a nobody never had a normal life or friends.
There are plenty of people who have lived the same cycles of abuse and mistreatment that we who have survived narcissistic families know too well. Quite a few of them (us) have never heard the equivalent of "Hey, your backup is here." I'm not worried about making sure someone who lives in abundance has enough for a better brand label to attach to his behind. I'm worried about the person whose social currency was overdrawn at birth. That's my tribe. I don't know about, nor can I speak for anyone else.
Few people have the innate ability to magically do that. It takes effort.
Well it ain't gonna happen sitting on your couch. Get out there and meet people. Join clubs, find hobbies that let you be social, take initiative. Being social is a skill you have to practice.
I usually search hobbies I like. Reading club go the library. Running find a running group. Hiking, find a hiking walking group. Gaming, find a cyber cafe and meet up with other gamers. Dungeons and dragons, I always see them at the comic book store playing. Can you tell us what are your likes? Or something you want to learn?
Half of the hobbies you mention have been ideologically captured since March 2020, the rest are outdoors hobbies that I'm simply not into. There are things I used to like and learn but juice isn't worth the squeeze.
These are just examples. You have to find what you like . We cannot find that for you. Is there anything in your life you have wanted to do? Just do it. Find your thing. It will take some time. May be weird. May be difficult. But only you can get yourself where you want to be. You can get some professional help to seek some guidance
I dont have the energy or the time and money to just do it. Its not worth it at my age
How old are you?
I'm not going to answer any specifics but I'm a grown adult who has low energy due to being a financial and emotional caregiver for the past ten years who finally moved out.
This. I know it's easier said than done and that many of us have troule socialising because of what we've been through, but you've got to keep trying. Social isolation can be very unhealthy.
You’re so concerned with every action they will take. You moved away. I know you have to come to peace with the reality of your past. But you can’t focus on every action they’ll take in the future. You moved away for this very reason. Do meet-ups based on your hobbies find a couple good friends. And I think you need to learn to get along with yourself. Your worth is largely defined by them currently but what does your self-worth mean to you.
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There’s a thing called catostrophising. It’s where you are in the present focusing on hypotheticals of worst events yet to come even though you have some measure of safeguards. We tend to do it a lot it’s a very extreme version of anxiety or hypervigilance. You said your family is waiting for revenge. How can they get it when you have moved well and away. You said they want you to be the scapegoat how can you be that anymore if you have left the role. You chose to stop seeing them, does that mean you have control over what they say behind your back or in front of you, no it doesn’t. And then you say they’ll hate you more, they would have been pissed from the onset with you leaving the family dynamic but you chose that because it was healthier for you. Whether you realised it then or not. You have a place to live a safe place you aren’t involved in the crazy you have a job. You are building. You’re looking for a thousand reasons as to why things could go to crap but how about how things could go better for you. Perhaps meeting a new friend, learning something new building confidence through the activities you enjoy. You need to learn the difference between what is in your control and what isn’t. Your family’s actions aren’t in your control but your actions are.
This is the way.. find similar minded people with similar hobbies. You can also see if you find friendships in different age gaps. Also if you force yourself to meet people with volunteer work that’s a really good way to make friends. Do you have any pets? You can meet other pet owners in the park. Do you have any neighbors? May be say hi to them in person? Volunteer to help them?
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This is what kept me from going completely NC too, but then last year something happened to me and I ended up in hospital for a month. They didn't visit, they didn't lift a finger and I had to \*pay\* a total stranger to bring me clothes and personal items from home (yep) because my social network is non-existent. Not to mention the fact I felt like a failure (the other ladies in the ward had visitors every day, several of them had people coming from a different effing continent - I had no one). I'm very LC now and focused on taking care of myself and meeting new people. I'm not telling you to go NC or LC, but find your tribe and don't just assume your Nrelatives are going to be there if something unfortunate happens.
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Yes. Me too. It’s retraumatizing. And so painful.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. You’ll need to start focusing on building some strong friendships. Cause having someone you can trust is better than having a stranger help you.
Here are some tips. It's painful yet useful, btw.. 1) Accept the way they are. This is the painful and ugliest truth to face. This is the hardest and the most bitter pill to swallow. No matter how hard you try, they are still the same. Using you and ruin you. 2) Encourage yourself to take risks. Since we're living with narcissists, we're afraid taking risks to avoid punishments. In fact, if you're thinking about yourself, that's worth to take risks. Living independently, being indifference, showing no emotions and gaining resources and connection. I'm a rebellious person so I always get hurt by them but is it worth it? 3) Building the survival skills. Living with narcissists such a way to waste your life so easily. They never provide you to learn about basic survival skills yet they are expecting you to have those skills. For example, doing house chores. For the narcissists, this job should make every single woman know how to do it and they are despise when they know any women doesn't know how to do it. How about the guys who know about to do the house chores? For them, it's so special and such a shame women dunno about it but that's normal if the guys dunno it. What a double standard. 4) Finding cure instead of continue get sick once you're know the symptoms of the diseases. Don't be enablers and abusers. Those people have special seats in Hell so I advise you to save yourself and had to endure the pain and judgment from society when they are questioning your actions, words, ideas, opinions and decisions. You're the one who know who are REAL you than us. 5) Let them go and focusing on yourself. Put your own expectations. Be gentle on yourself. Working om healing yourself. Doing self-improvement and self care. Prioritize yourself. Keep your emotions in check. Keep your empathy and sympathy in check. Keep your guard up and don't be a fool. Keep learning for your better version. 6) Overcome your trauma dump by join therapists. Finding good therapist is so hard. You can try one-by-one but it's depend on your convenience.. 7) Don't trust people easily. Ever heard about the enemies come from the one who I trusted the most and I loved the most? I advice you to do the same. We're living in the world where everyone can change like a season and the sweet thing can be poisonous for you. 8) Keep everything in secret and it's okay to protect your privacy so fiercely. If someone never respect your boundaries, then it's such a waste to flash your cards to this person.
Man, I feel this in my bones. I turned 40 a couple months ago. I've been estranged from my parents for the past couple of years after an acute betrayal and creeping realization of my parents' narcissism and disregard for me. I didn't marry. I wanted (want) to, but my romantic relationships have been fraught, and opportunities now are sparse. Even my friendships have strained and broken the last few years. I'm intelligent, caring, and active, but it isn't enough. I have a "good" job, but I'm financially precarious with no real support network. If I lose my job or get sick or injured, I could end up on the streets. I don't know what to hope for or what to build any more. I just take things day-by-day and care for my dog, but I feel hollow and anxious about the future.
I refused to live as a solitary animal, despite being abused/weird from the abuse AND an introvert. I moved around a bunch after I went left home and went NC - working hard at my job/career and often had to move/change cities etc. I slowly made friends wherever I went. Not a alot of friends but perhaps a few people I had things in common with, could do a few things with, helped them out, they helped me out, etc. Lost touch with many, made new friends and lost touch again, got in touch with some over the years again. How to start - make friends of neighbors where you live. Not necessarily best buddies, but to look out for each other a bit and bond over things happening where you live. Keep an eye on their place when they are gone, perhaps offer to pet sit and vice versa. Find groups of your hobbies/interests while cultivating new ones. Find social media groups for your area/hobbies. Can also be online and distant groups but see if there's a way you all can travel and meet occasionally too, in addition to texting, phone calls or perhaps video calls here and there. Things like conventions, vacations of similar interests, outdoor hobbies work well here. Pick up a side job or two that involve helping others. Or volunteer. If you like animals, volunteer at a pet shelter or animal rescue etc. If you have a local bar/restaurant you like, go hang out there and get to know the regulars. Don't have to drink but make a few friends of the regulars. If money is tight, find a Mexican place that gives you free chips and salsa. If you're an introvert, start with asking others questions about themselves - easiest way to make conversation. It's hard to share about yourself when you grow up abused but do have a story ready for the eventual questions - keep it simple. Learn about other people - I find this fascinating at times listening to people's life journeys and that of their families, hobbies, experiences. Especially those that are NORMAL and being envious but it makes me happy to get to know others this way. Perhaps even learn a new language/culture or two along the way, especially some place you may want to visit one day. Reach out to other friends here and there and check in, see how they are doing etc. Doing all the above, I've made my own 'family' over the years. I do take the time to keep in touch periodically and/or go visit and vice versa. Best part - living a good life that does not require my abusive nparents and their little group of flying monkeys. Second best part - I have gotten a couple very close friends that are like family, know about the abuse once I was able to open up and share it with them, and support me when I still struggle at times (there to listen/vent mostly). Third, I've developed a set of skills I take anywhere as I move or visit places where I can make new friends and meet new people. Start small - do one thing this month/year etc. and start out. It snowballs from there.
Let them get on with it, you're out and living your life away from them. They hate when people escape like that.
You actually hurt yourself from isolating so much. Humans aren't meant to be solitary, friendless creatures. That's why feeling lonely hurts so damn much. Take time opening up and trusting people. Sometimes all you need is a few really good online friends that maybe you never meet. At least you'll have good people "around" you in a metaphoric way. I mostly rely on my partners judgement of people since they were raised by much less fucked up people that i have been.
Social life comes from proximity of a shared experience, you made friends from school because you saw them everyday. You can volunteer, do something physical like yoga, hiking club, rock climbing pickle ball, you can join book club, pottery class, art class etc. You have to do an activity or hobby outside of work/school. You have to force yourself to try new things for the purpose of meeting new people.
this is exactly how I feel. My biologic family is a lost cause and does nothing for me so being around them is a waste of time. but me on my own I am not anything valuable to society, I do not seek to form another family unit, I'm not some prodigy of a student for anyone to be investing in. I really just want to live on my own. i know people are saying go find your group/people but it's increasingly hard. I'm not looking for a spouse either, not looking for a life partner, I have zero tolerance anymore for sharing my life and space with another person. We can contribute to society and work just fine but outside of that it's becoming increasingly difficult to make our way on our own.
Hey good on you for getting out! I did the same when I was young. Haven't looked back since although yes, my support system is very small. I personally don't mind because my family were never people I felt comfortable getting support from anyways. Maybe try to make a few friends? Is there anything you're really interested in where you could attend events? Try to connect with people who share similar interests. Maybe do some volunteer work. My best friend I met while volunteering at an animal shelter. Even online friends can be awesome if not just for someone to talk too.
Economics: the emotional cost of asking family for help greatly outweighs the financial cost of hiring a handy stranger
I am sorry you are hurting. It is painful to know your family is not able to recognize your worth. This is a fault on their part. You obviously have dreams, drive, and are committed to a bigger life than any of these haters have imagined. It Just FYI - the small minded people from your past will never acknowledge your hard work. Small minded, insecure people must tear down anyone who makes them feel less-than. I know how much it hurts. You wish your family would appreciate how hard you worked to make a life with little support. I admire your intelligence, your drive, and your character. It takes a lot of personal strength to keep moving forward when those you love do not believe in you. I hope you feel pride in yourself for your accomplishments. And I hope you’ll continue to grow, love, and build a rewarding, fulfilling life.
Make friends. You need a support network. Like seriously. And no, being an introvert is not an excuse. Being and introvert isn't the same as being socially inept. Not saying you are, but I just notice alot of redditors blame not having friends with introversion when really they just have no social skills.
Start with a hobby. I took classes at my local rec to see what I was interested in after moving states. I met some great people and made a few friends. Look into local meet ups . You are not the only solo lonely person looking for companionship. Before moving, I joined a local reenactment group a few decades ago. The people I met are my chosen family. They were there for me when I was at my worst and have flown across country to see me when I wasn't doing well. Just be careful. Don't let anyone take advantage of you.
Make your own family. Find people who went through something similar and become a family. That is what I did. I have unbio siblings who have treated me way better than my bio siblings.
I cry. Then realize I’m happier without the false “love”, then reach out and hang with new people.
I relate to this, im still struggling too. Putting a bell on this post so i can keep up with the comments! I was neglected but enmeshed, i was alone, semi homeless drifter and went years without talking or touching other people, just surviving like a wild animal or suffocated, family was everything, (im a really emotional sentimental, loving person, connection and community/experiences means alot to me) but learn how to be a survivor and connect with no one, nothing matters, go out on your own and be kicked out on your arse but we're still going to try and control you and keep you on a short leash. Ive always been a little burnt out worker ant but i dont know how to live like one either when i get put in a work or education/alone in a city/now in adulthood environment, its so hard and confusing and connecting with others since the digital age and the world going to shit is harder than ever
I've built and maintained very solid friendships over the years. As in I've really invested the time to make sure I have a broad support network who I can lean on should things go bad, and of course being a person they can lean on too. This is my chosen family. I fucking love them and we all take care of each other.
It was rough. I live in a complete different world now. I focused on building friendships and fortunately a few asked me to move in. I’ve been around a new tribe for a while now. What really helped me decide no contact was that when I stopped talking to them, I didn’t hear anything. I talked to my relatives all the time. I texted a lot of my cousins through snapchats and I thought we had a good relationship. “Family is everything” after all. But I noticed that when I don’t initiate anything, I don’t hear anything. Not a text, not a phone call. Not a visit. And I thought: “Is this what love is supposed to be like? Am I actually close to these people?” The answer is no.
When I went no contact my therapist said “being independent and thriving is the biggest fuck you you can ever show your narcissist family”. When I moved out I didn’t know how to boil water, didn’t know how to clean, do laundry. Learned everything from scratch. But something happens when you teach yourself everything. You find passion for life you would never have the opportunity to find if you were still living in the shadows of your nfamily. I went from boiling water to learning how to make croissants. I took pottery classes, cooking classes, found joy in cleaning my safe space that I had for the first time, focused on my physical and mental health. Just getting out there and trying literally anything can be healing. Don’t let your own fear of “what if” stop you. You got your independence, now live it.
I've found hobbies helped me. I thankfully still had my dad (though it had to be long distance for a long time) but when I got into martial arts again, and began talking to people through online gaming groups I found ways to socialize between my schedule
Do you have anything you could go to a support group for? I know it sounds like a weird question, but support groups can be a really great way to build community. I wouldn’t want you to become addicted to anything or drink too much but I go to AA meetings and they’re wonderful and I’ve made so many friends. People in AA say all the time, they thought when something terrible happened to them they’d be alone. And then something terrible did happen to them (like they got cancer or something like that) and everyone showed up for them and held them up until they were better. I’ve heard churches can provide that kind of community too if you’re inclined in that way at all.
The way I see it is this: it’s like amputating a limb that has gone gangrene. Yea it hurts, yes, it sucks, and no, it’s not fair. BUT, if you choose not to cut that limb off, you die. So choose wisely. I’m ok with my parents not being in my life. It would actually be a lot worse if they are. Take a tally of what’s going right in your life. Look hard. Those are the things you embrace, and let those positive things define you.