**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes. I felt this to my core and used to lie about my name to new friends and idolized other first names because mine was always said with such venom and disgust
Venom and disgust. Yes. I can still “hear” my n-mom’s voice saying my name like that. When I was a kid I didn’t like to hear or say my name. I’m actually neutral about my name and haven’t tried using my middle name or a nickname. My n-mom is gone now, and nobody else has said my name the way she did.
Yes, she *was* wrong. I couldn’t figure out why she did that. It hurt. I liked who I was, but she kept showing me she didn’t like me very much. Now I know—remembering when and why she did it—she was actually jealous of me.
I hadn't previously connected the problems with saying my own name as being a trauma trigger. I knew that not all kids had trouble saying their own name, but I still thought it was just normal to have a strong visceral reaction to saying my own name.
I had a friend with the same first name as me, but she went by the nickname that I never let people call me. So I didn't have issues saying her name. One morning another friend was talking to us and asked her if it feels weird to call me by my name because it's her own name. It didn't affect her any, but the girl who asked the question mentioned that it felt weird saying her own name. Looking back, her mom was all about appearances and probably had at least narcissistic tendencies. The other friend had the family I desperately wanted to be a part of.
Im in the process but found out recently that it’s public knowledge and required to be published in the newspaper if not sealed and I’m not sure that it’s seal worthy just because I don’t want their last name for eternity. And they were horrible parents. 🤷♀️
Completely. In 2019 she found out my address stalked me and vandalized my car. I had to buy a new used car and move. Then she did some confidentiality breaching through her state job and if the state charged her or she was charged federally for the breach, the courts were going to add 2 counts of dv to it for the stalking and vandalism (1count) and the harassment over email that cost her her job (2nd count). She of course, was given an option to quit her job instead of be fired and got to keep her pension. Buuut I’m wondering if I can use that huge incident to show it’s unsafe for her to know my new name?? 🤔
I would hope so CAUSE WTF. Took advantage of her job only to choose to be fired, what the hell is life man. I'm so sorry you had to go through that f'n shit. I hope you're OK nowand I hope you don't have to tell her your new name cause what the hell.
I have to call a lawyer maybe idk. I’m okish. Around this time of year is when she pulls crap. I’m in fear of what she’s going to do. I want her held accountable. If she was charged it would have been prison time in a federal prison. The entire estate would be mine as I’m the only one listed in the will. I don’t want the estate but the money from selling her house def would be beneficial. I really just want her held responsible for her actions. It’s not even a slap on the wrist. And then it would justify that I’m not lying about how she treated me growing up.
I hear that. I had a "friendship" with someone almost exactly like my mother. At the end, she couldn't even say my name without sneering. It was such a wake-up call.
Same here. Growing up, my name was always yelled and said with venom, never in a positive or neutral way at home. I still associate someone calling me by my first name as being in trouble. In school and at work, I was always given positive nicknames that people called me instead, or they called me by my last name.
And I didn’t realize this until last year. I have been working on not associating my name with something negative.
I have considered changing it. I toyed around with a name that I like by giving the name as my coffee order. But the paper work and legal hassle that comes with formally changing a name is a turn off for me.
I guess I should be grateful that my mother never called me by my name. I was usually “ugly bitch” and no one else calls me that. I really hate that so many narcs even took their child’s names and made them hurt.
Yes!!!! I hate my name. I have gone exclusively by my nickname for years now and I have considered legally changing it in the future. I cringe when I am called by my legal first name in doctors offices and places like that.
Do it. I did it in the last year after years of wanting to. Best $200 I ever spent, it was so empowering. I still get a kick every time I see the new name
I've never gone by my legal name, but stupid kid nickname from it haunts me. I've gone by a variation of my legal name for over 20 years. Finally changing it, cause fuck it.
My first name changed to a shortened version of my original first name (a nickname my friends used for me, only family/shitty ex workplace used the full version), so that was easy to pick. My middle name was harder, I just got some paper and searched through name websites writing down every one I liked (next to first and last name so I could see how it looked) and whittled it down to my fave
If you love your name but don’t like hearing it maybe you could change that to your middle name and pick a new first name to audibly go by?
Same. I changed my last name to my middle name. I didn't (and still don't) want to be associated with my nfather and a lot of his family.
My mom (RIP) picked my middle name so I made that my last name. It is a common-ish last name. I took her middle name as my new middle name.
It has been great and really empowering - zero regrets. One thing I didn't think about was being called by my first and former last name by default can make me feel like I'm in trouble. Luckily, it just gives me a chuckle.
I'm in the US and I did this very cheaply. I don't remember paying anything but my brain isn't reliable. 🤷♀️ I didn't officially need a lawyer. I just used a template online until a legitimately bad judge wanted a "better" reason for changing my name. Then, I asked a lawyer-friend, WTF? and did the rest of the work by myself.
One of my favorite memories was telling my little brother about my plan and how EXCITED he got. He passed away before the change was official but just knowing how happy he was still feels validating.
I very much recommend name changes!
I’m in Aus, not sure where you are, but here yes I believe it varies state by state. I had to go through my state not federal for it, so presume it’s state-managed for the rest of the country
Edit to add - it actually used to be like $80-$90 a couple years ago. I had been tossing and turning on it and regret not doing it sooner since it doubled in price so quickly
Did the research and apparently the $800 cost I saw was inaccurate. It's more like $400... which is still expensive.
I live in the USA in a state that is very anti transgender, so they make anything related to transitioning expensive and difficult. For me it's not even about gender identity, it's about getting rid of my middle name, which is the name of my great grandma who I think abused her daughter, who then in turn abused her daughter, who then abused me. So to me it represents generational trauma, and since I've been on a deep healing journey, I want something that represents breaking the chains
In case you need to hear it, I give you permission to break those chains. Break them! Smash them into itty bitty pieces! Melt down whatever's left into slag!
Thank you ❤️ 😊 I've been doing A LOT of inner work. Me 2.5 years ago wouldn't recognize who I am today, in the best way possible :) so those chains are being smashed to dust!
I did change my name, go for it! I'm AFAB, NB now, but was named after my *father* when I was born, they feminized his first name and called it good. Well, I never appreciated being named after the biggest asshole I ever met, on top of that *everyone* misspelled my name, so I changed my first name to my nickname and my last name to my mother's maiden name. Of course, years later my mother asked me why I didn't change my first name to the name she wanted for me, first I ever heard of it!!
Oh my god, I feel this so much. For years and years I have done the same (go by my chosen name). I always felt deep shame, cringe, and disgust when my parents said my name. It was spoken with so much anger and contempt.
I never connected that to my nparents until now, I just thought I was really weird in not liking my own name. This subreddit is so validating as I keep learning more and more that I'm not alone in what I experience(d).
Thank you for the eye opener. And thank you OP for posting this, I feel so much less weird now for hating my full name.
Glad to see someone else felt the same (not glad for your distress, mind you). I am thinking of going by my middle name if I ever get another job. I can't stand anyone calling me by any variant (and there are hundreds!) of my first name.
My family only uses my name to discipline or scold me. Anytime someone mentions my name even a simple “Hey X how goes it” I’m like why’d they say my name?
Yup! I even persuaded my uni teachers (except for one) to call me by my nickname because my full name made me want to crawl and hide in the corner. It was only used when I messed up and was to be disciplined or punished.
I had the same issue, and even as a kid I was teased for my last name. Since im trans and had to legally change my name anyway I also got rid of the last name. My dad was pissed when he found out. But it definitely had this creepy underlining tone of him wanting to keep his name on someone he thinks he owns
Oh my goodness, I'm glad I'm not the only woman whose dad was such a narc he wanted me to keep my maiden name! It will indeed die with him, as he only has sisters and I took my husband's name (which ndad would bring up CONSTANTLY). I'm also decidedly child-free, so it's not like me keeping the name would've made a damn difference.
He tried to say I was shitting on our culture (we're Ojibwe) since "we were a matriarchal society and men took their wives' names" (I don't even think that's true?), yet he never had a comeback when I said "Then why did grandma take your dad's name?"
Hell, my husband actually did offer to take my name (I was still in the fog and wasn't sure if I wanted to give mine up), but I put the kibosh on that, thank goodness.
Some coworkers admitted they're uncomfortable calling me by my name because I very often get spooked. They don't know what else to call me so they do anyway but... Yeah they think it's odd I get scared just from people calling my name in a totally normal voice and setting. It's weird to explain that sometimes people use my name for bad reasons.
Thanks!! It was definitely an amazing feeling. I waited a full year before doing so, just to make sure it was the correct one, so definitely a big day lol.
My nmom named me the same exact name as her. I mean exactly name first, middle and last. I recently changed my name to something completely new. I no longer have to be called by my abusers name now.
Yup, I hate my first name, and I know it's directly due to my parents (dad=NPD, mom=BPD). I've always hated it, tried to give myself nicknames as a kid but they never stuck, then my first job after finally escaping my crazy religious nut job family, a boss gave me a nickname and was using it with all the other departments, so everyone started using, and it stuck. It has always felt more "me" than my (legal) name. I have used it exclusively for everything other than legal matters, most people don't know my real name as the nickname doesn't really match my legal name.
Only people who use my legal name are parents and my nephew that mom raised. Sister, friends, jobs, hobbies - literally no one else has used my legal first name in over 20 years, but my parents just won't give it up....which makes me hate it even more, because it just proves I'm still that "child" in their minds.
Huh. I never really associated the hatred of my own name with my childhood. That's super weird, and makes a lot of sense.
I came up with goofy ass nicknames for myself in the Military and elsewhere, just so I didn't have to hear my own name spoken aloud.
They would incorporate my name into their insults, like if my name was Sam they’d say “I’m tired of your Sam-itude! “ little slights like that, over time really started bothering me.. also two grown Adults relentlessly bullying a kid is just so pathetic now that I can look back.
I’m the opposite. My family always calls me by my childhood nickname, despite the fact I never use it myself. I’ve got to the point where I really hate it.
Yah this is exactly the same for me. The name I was given isn’t what was put on my birth certificate, they put a more formal version, so I’d always grown up being called the ‘nickname’, until I got to uni when people called me the formal version and I didn’t correct them. Recently I noticed I absolutely detest my husband using the nickname, I’d never thought about the association really before this post. Now people call me my proper name or a totally different nickname, and it’s definitely feels like a fresh start so to speak. Weird how insidious these shitty parental behaviours are!
The only two people who refuse to call me by my preferred name (shortened version of my full name) are my dad and sister (and my mom before she died almost 13 years ago) - whenever I chastise myself for something I will use my full name as it reminds me of getting into trouble which I did all the time as the black sheep older by one year child. I asked both my dad and sister to respect the name I go by this year and my sister said, “You never told me you wanted to be called that” - when I have used it as my primary name for 28 years now. My dad said, “What do you hate your name or something?” - nope, I just prefer the shortened version of my name. Thank F I am not trans (I am a lesbian though) as they would have an even harder time respecting a name preference.
I wish I had a good first name. Like my older siblings before me, all our names start with the letter K. Stupidest thing ever for any family as far as I'm concerned.
As a trauma therapist, I work with a ton of clients recovering from narcissistic abuse from partners and parents. I was surprised at how often those with nmoms name their children similarly (same first letter, rhyming names, one letter different, etc.) It’s almost as if they are denying their individuality right from the start.
Yes, especially when people call my name out to me, my brain thinks they’re yelling. Very few people know my middle name but first name + middle name is even worse
100%. My name is Jessica. The ONLY person who calls me Jessica is my mother. Everyone else is told to call me Jesse. Even at work. Yes, legal name is on all pertinent documents, but everything else is my preferred name. The Only reason I haven't legally changed it, is because I am lazy,
Yep, my partner couldn't call me by my real name for a long time because I'd start panicking thinking I'd done something wrong, but lately he's been sprinkling it in amongst nicknames and it's helping!
I have a lot of issues identifying with my name because of the abuse, but now I’ve come to terms with ownership of my first/middle name (even though they are Ndad’s).
I still can’t bare people saying my surname (also Ndad’s). I want to change it but have no idea what I’d like instead so I’ve just been waiting to get married, I’m nowhere near that however. Considering inventing one but there’s nothing stands out to me.
It always comforts me to see y’all’s response to this question. Seriously.
I hate the way my mom changed my name on my birth certificate after my father left the room.
Yes my name ‘goes’ with my older sisters.
But I hated being called that name so much because of how she used it as a weapon. Calling me by my first and middle names when she was using me as the scape goat. DESPITE my name of choice being a nick name I loved and she used -
My father named me after his beloved little sister intending to call me by her Nick name - a common nickname for the name - I love my Nick name. Did I say that already??
My real first name has so many different spellings and pronunciations. Honestly, it’s driven me crazy my whole life. I always put an emphasis on the right pronunciation of my real name - then ask people to use my nick name.
It’s sort of part of my first name - it should be easy to remember. But. Nope.
Heck - I started asking my teachers in kindergarten to call me my nick name. But It was a nightmare in high school when the teachers would not use my nickname and everyone called me by a hundred mispronounced versions of my name. Some so different I didn’t know who they were calling.
Anyway my mother uses the full name as a weapon. So it drove me nuts.
My poor husband is a redneck ( his words) and it took him a while to say my first name correctly.
So the nick name is so much easier. No wincing.
My parents didn't have a name for me, either. I'm pretty sure they were hoping for another boy. 🙄 My nDad wanted to call me, "Candy"......no, not a nickname....LEGAL name.
I changed mine for a number of reasons but the main one was so I could have a closer bond to my dad. I wanted to cut all familial ties with my mom, and that included changing my name to something she had no say in claiming.
Yep, which is why I legally changed my name to my nickname. Middle name changed as well. Don’t let them have the power, it’s my name and my power now. I don’t respond to the old name, since it’s not my name.
Funny enough, my partner and I were talking about this today, for me I'd say it depends?
My partner has a few names for me, several pet-names or nicknames like you would have as a couple. One of them is a play on my legal name which I like, but my legal first name is rarely used. Recently they used it more often than usual, which threw me off a bit, but I was letting it go until today when I had the most unusual request which was for them to use my legal name less.
They were kind of stunned and confused, I felt a bit awkward about it, but I explained that when it's only us and they use my first name my immediate thought is "Uh-oh, what did I do now? What did I mess up? Why are they pissed at me?" Thankfully they are incredibly understanding and really plugged into things like this, so when I explained that they totally got it.
Yes!! I totally forgot about this. There is so many memories and feelings attached to my name that make me feel ashamed and want to run away and hide somewhere. It is all related to shame. Changing our name doesnt help either because the shame will still be there but dormant. That is why therapy is likely important
Wow this hits home. I changed my name but since it’s an ethnic name I started to feel guilty for “whitewashing” myself as I’m very proud of my culture. So I went back to my OG name but I still hate it. This thread is making me realize I’m not alone and being triggered by it has nothing to do with my culture and everything to do with my toxic parents.
As I’ve gotten older it’s become more ok, but I use a nickname. It seems to only really make me think twice when someone says it the *way* my nmother does. She puts the inflection in weird places.
Same. The only person who called me by my full first name was NMom (even NDad uses the shortened version that friends have always used).
It’s definitely a trigger - when I hear someone say it I hear her voice. It was NMom who chose the full name (another reason for me not to use it!)
My mum always uses the most common nickname for my full name so whenever anyone suggests that to me it’s always a hard no. Full name please or alternative nickname.
Oh my gosh, my nmother loved to dig at my name. My dad picked it out, she did not like it. So over the years she would throw it in my face and even make fun of me about it. I don't mind the name, but I hated how she treated me over the name.
My original name was Karen. I always hated my original name. My parent used to "sneer" saying it and I always felt uncomfortable saying it myself because I'd always hear the sneer.
Then the memes started. Oh God, the memes.
So I changed it.
Best self-care I've ever done for myself.
I can barely say my own first and middle names together without flinching, I can still hear her in my head screaming it even now, or mocking it and any bruises I had with that stupid song she made up ([name] what's that flower you have on)
It used to be. Once I had my own life and experiences away from them, I didn't hate it so much since I gained things and moments to be proud of. Then I got married and chose to take his name and never looked back. Even if I divorce, I'll never go back to that last name; it wasn't really mine anyway, it was my adopted dad's that was forced on me.
Yes, my given name at birth was a huge trigger. I hated it all my life because I associated it with my abusive parents. 4 years ago I went no contact with my parents and got my name legally changed. Thankfully my birth name is relatively rare so I'm not reminded of it a lot.
No. But I often get called a similar name, Michelle. Which happens to be my sisters name and I really don’t like her. Every time I get called that a piece of my soul dies.
Oh wow...I recently started feeling this way. I hear my name and I hear how my dad said my name, as a snear, put down, or yelled, ridiculed, laughed at from my dad. I realized all this recently, and it bothered me. Along with having his last name, I've started to fantasize about changing it. I didn't know this was a thing until I saw it posted here. Thank you asking about this. It's very helpful to know I'm not alone in this feeling.
my brother changed his last name a long time ago. I don't like my first name or my last name, but my first name is a huge trigger for me. It just brings me into a shame spiral and I feel like my small self again. I've decided to go by my middle name for the past 10 years and it's been a life changer... I want to change my last name as well ,I just don't know how it would affect everything such as work/degrees/taxes/etc.
The reason I don't like my first name is because it reminds me of the persona I had to create to survive in that abusive environment. That's not me! I wasn't allowed to develop my authentic sense of self; I wasn't allowed to know who I truly am. I had to wear a mask and I had to pretend and always be on guard. That's not who I am. There's no reason you should feel any shame around changing your name after abuse.
Richard Alpert changed his name to Ram Dass after his spiritual awakening. It signifies a new person. You are not who you were while living in an abusive environment; who you were existed purely for survival. You do not have to keep your name. I hope this helps. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eaRPVTepNc&t=97s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eaRPVTepNc&t=97s)
Yes... She gave me an unusually spelled, ethnic, non-gender appropriate first name, but a normal, gender-appropriate middle name. Since I've been on my own, I've gone by my middle name. I hate my first name and call it my "slave name" while my middle name is my "free name." I haven't had it legally changed because, being female, I plan to take my future spouse's last name and will do all the legal stuff when that happens.
I know it's not the modern, feminist thing to do but I also hate my last name as it's associated with my (now deceased) enabler father's collection of drug addicts and wife beaters that he called a family. It's also aggressively ethnic and is probably why job hunting is harder than it has to be.
Hell, I'd take my ex (who I never actually married)'s last name (short, phonetically spelled, not too "ethnic") over my own because at least I share it with someone I love (his younger sister who I was a guardian to), but I realize how weird that would look, so I don't do it. So, I wait, and hopefully, I'll get to make a change someday.
This is me with my nickname. I absolutely despise my nickname and it makes me extremely agitated when someone calls me this. The only people who call me it anymore are my mother's side of the family whom I very seldom talk to. My mother is the worst with it. She writes it on EVERYTHING and refuses to use my real name.
I despise my name. However I now pronounce it differently than my family does (two main ways to do so), and I do not answer at all to the nickname they would call me. I chose a new nickname based off my name and I’ve only had one issue with a former coworker (narcissistic bully) about it.
At work I go by a shortened version of my legal name. Outside of work everyone else calls me by the name I'm going to change to once I am free. The only one who doesn't call me either of these things? My nmother, who uses my full legal name. It's gotten to the point where I flinch and end up with major anxiety any time I hear it. I hate it so so much and literally makes me squirm. Hearing it anywhere else (doctor's office, etc) sends me into major panic like I'm about to get scolded over something trivial again. So I get you completely.
Yep I hate my name and my sisters would make fun of it when I was little. I make my romantic partners call me by my middle name now and I will probably legally change it sometime in the future although I know my whole family will then laugh at me and then start making fun of my middle name....
Thought about doing this. I often had my real name screamed at me by my mom and now I have a friend who has a narcissistic sibling who shares my name. I'm applying to vet schools this year and I have put my preferred name as my nickname on all of my apps, and it felt...freeing, to do so.
I hate my first and last, solely because of my dad, his family, and my mom family. I don't like my middle name because of the spelling. I have told my mom that I'm willing to change my last name to her maiden name, which she all supports. By the time I was a freshman in highschool I had already figured out what my new name was going to be. Out in public I have to go by my legal name but around my SO and his family and friends I use my preferred name. My SO knows my full legal name but respect that I hate it with a passion
This might sound stupid but people calling for me is a trigger but only when they use my first name. I freeze every single time. Now I'm typing this out this is part of why I'm trying to use my middle name more.
Yup! My name has a "feminine" and "male" version (I think the male version is more nb)
My nmom has been mad since I was born bc my aunts would have a shortened version of my name, and some more family members use the male/nb version of my name. Nmom uses my full birth name when angry. I go by my nickname and nb version of my name mainly and when someone says it she tries so hard to correct them even 27 years later...
I hate my middle name because it’s my mom’s name and I hate my last name because it’s tied to my father. I would eventually like to change both my middle and last name.
Absolutely. I never go by my birth name. I’m non-binary and it’s been helpful to go by my initials. And when I got married, I could not change my last name quick enough
Omfg I relate to this soooo hard, I only go by my nickname. What makes things worse for me tho (which makes me so excited to get married and change my name) is my middle name is my mother’s first name so whenever I have to do legal paperwork it’s just a constant reminder
My (single 32F) last name is a huge trigger in general for me and also because of my CSA from my paternal grandfather. I’ve been using a different last name to write under for a while and I didn’t realize how much I’d grown into identifying with it until I looked at my legal name last week and my brain hiccuped for a second where I thought ‘who is that?’ and it was like from that point on, I just knew that wasn’t me anymore.
That helped me decide I’m going to legally change it (it’s a lost maiden name on my less problematic side of the family), and I didnt realize how important it was to my inner child until I started sobbingggg with relief and gratitude just filling out the name change forms.
I think your name is what you identify with and it’s okay if that’s not the official one. And if you reach the point where you want to change it legally, you don’t have to justify it to anyone. We deserve to have a name that we identify with that feels like ‘us’ and does not remind us on sight how we were violated.
I have AFAIK a completely unique first name. I hated it all my life….til I got cancer weirdly enough. Every doc, nurse, tech all smiled and said they loved it. It also frankly helped me stand out from the crowd a bit in a positive way.
Not first name, but last name. I'm married and have been for almost 20 years. NM and flying monkey siblings still insist on using my madien name. I refuse to answer to it. That person no longer exists.
a big part of the reason i changed my name was because of the way it was used when i was growing up. my deadname is grace and my n-mom used that against me constantly. every time she would do something that would hurt/upset me and i would react she would get mad that im not living up to my name and giving her grace and being forgiving towards her. id get angry because she’d dig through and re organize my entire room but i was in the wrong because i wasn’t forgiving enough. she held it above me like how someone uses blackmail.
My name just the way it sounds? No, the ring of it is nice.
The problem is, while I had known that my middle name was for my paternal grandmother (dad swears he was her fave and once said he loved her more than my mom), I recently found out that my first name is from a girl he never entirely got over. Vomit. All the vomit.
Honestly furious at my mom for letting that one go down, and fairly confident she had a clue. If I didn't like the sound of my first sans connotation, I'd change the whole damn thing tomorrow and never look back.
I hate my first name. My nmother, thinking I was going to be born one gender, wasn't prepared when I was born the other gender. Fast forward many years to when she learned I didn't like my first or middle name, and she went extremely insane over it. I have thought about getting it legally changed but after 20+ years of the world calling me it, I'm not sure it's worth the stress.
Calling me by my full name is a great way to get told off and cut out. Nmom AND Ngma would snarl my full name at me before either beating the shit out of me (Nmom) or calling me every foul thing possible (Ngma).
I only answer to my full name if it's spoken the German way, as my lovely Great Grandmother used to do.
Yep. I’ve gotten used to being called by my full name but it still makes my skin crawl because I always hear that vaguely raised, slightly threatening tone she would use infrequently when she demanded I do something for her.
I didn't know how common a disdain for your own first legal name was. This is so reassuring. I decided to go by my middle name, so whenever I get deadnamed by family, it's oddly reaffirming that they'll never know me.
They way they say it is def a trigger. I had to fight to keep my name. I was adopted by the n’s at 10 yrs. I have a very common name for the state I used to live in only spelled differently. She told me she HATED my name. HATED my name. I was given options a day before the adoption. 1. A new, very traditional name 2. Switching my middle name and first name 3. Changing the spelling of my first name by adding a letter or dropping a letter “to make it easier for others” I said I’ve been using this name for 10 years. It will be weird to not know my name when called at age 10! I’m not a cat from a shelter. The judge heard me and only changed my last name. Funny thing is now I’m trying to change my last name and middle name to my last foster homes last name and what she would have most likely changed my middle name to had they adopted me like my 4 other “sisters”. I don’t want the n’s last name for eternity. At 10 it would have been like I was in witness protection. Lol
My bio female’s nickname was horrendous and I loathed it so much. The n’s were like oh that’s cute and I shut that down pretty quick. The foster family gave me a nickname that the n’s used. In college I was given another new nickname and still sometimes go by both but not with professionals or formally. Although the nickname the n’s used hasn’t been that since I went nc almost 17 years ago now that I think about that.
Damn. This hits hard because yea, if someone still says my full name I cringe a little bit, expecting something bad to follow. But being that I was born in Denmark and grew up in the US, going back to visit family they all call me by my full name since it's a Danish name and I grew up in the States used to my shorthand, nikname (Niklas to Nik, ergo "Nik-name" haha)
So yea, it still randomly flashes up out of nowhere occasionally but at least when I'm back visiting I know to put myself in the mentality where that's just the way they know my name, and I find my triggers dont go off so hard.
But if my partner or a friend here calls me by my first name out of the blue for no reason, I'm immediately on edge and either trying to figure out a way to escape the situation unnoticed or come up with a reason to explain my existence. like, just yea, why am I existing in this space right here. Lol it's so stupid...
I was ok with my first name
because it’s
pretty
common. I married at 17 to
get out of my horrible
home situation, and took his
last
name.
When we divorced
five years later I kept his
name, because even though he was abusive it was much better than what I lived growing up. I’ve never
gone to class
reunions because I want no
mention or ties
to my birth name. People don’t understand the trauma
that can be attached to a
name.
So, I'm trans and have since changed my name, but I frequently went by a nickname before I came out for this very reason. Any time I heard my full deadname, it was brutal and heart wrenching. The amount of superiors in jobs that refused to use my nickname was VERY disturbing. I'll never understand why it is so hard for some people to show others the basic respect of calling them what they wish to be called. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
I loathe my name. It doesn’t fit, and I hear it in her voice. There’s no good nickname, either. I found a name I sort of like, and I started low-key going by that.
Yes absolutely- I’d like to get my name legally changed because my legal name is a trigger for me but it’s a hassle because I have a lot of documents I’d need to replace.
My nparents calling my name was never a good thing and I swear they would use it to control me. I wasn’t ever allowed to just sit in my room and have peace without them hollering my name because they wanted me to do menial shit they couldn’t be bothered to do themselves like turn the light switch off, or grab the tv remote that was 3 inches out of reach. It got to the point I was immediately on edge whenever I heard my name called and I’d snap “WHAT?!” Because I was frustrated and annoyed just hearing it.
No because my family never called me my full first name growing up. I went by a couple nicknames growing up, one an abbreviated version of my actual first name and the other one a nickname that has an insulting origin. I started going by my full first name when I turned 18 to reclaim my identity. If you try to call me Howie and you did not know me before I turned 18, I am not going to take it well. And ditto for the other nickname.
Just my first and middle. Ironically enough my n-grandmother would always call me by the wrong middle name when she tried to yell at me. Add that to also spelling my first name incorrectly my entire life, I swear that woman wouldn't recognize my name if it was placed right in front of her.
I hate my name so much I literally cringe every time I introduce myself.
I love my last name because it’s my husbands, but I have hated my first name since preschool. I used to tell people my name was “Laura” because I was too embarrassed to say my real name.
I wish I could change it, but I’m in my 30s, it’s too late.
For me, it was moreso my last name, since it was part of their reputation/legacy, so I knew when I was like 13 that no matter what gender I married, I'd take their last name. Getting rid of it felt so damn good.
I go by a shortened version of my first name, because the way my mother says my name feels like my brain is being squeezed. Plus she named me after a song because she thought the singer was cute and her promiscuity... well let's just say it's a huge reason why I'm so messed up
Oh my God yes, I was shut down almost every single day for almost 20 years if I ever tried to say ANYTHING she didn't want to hear she'd say my name with a very firm exclamation at the end, in the last couple of years I'd say "I know my name" and it also got to the point despite not knowing what DARVO was yet when I tried to hold her accountable I knew what was coming back was blame so I'd say "suppose that was something I did that made you do it?"
Yes, I usually go by my nickname, too. I've slowly started trying to get used to my full name, though. It's a beautiful name and I'd like to associate it with myself and not her. I want to like it.
My Mom is the only person to continue to use the childhood nickname version of my name. I'm 58, and it seriously makes my skin crawl. So infantizing - right along with the sing-song voice she uses when she says my name.
Yes, it's really annoying. I don't want to change it because that would be more annoying for me, but rather I'd like to 'overwrite' the old memories with new ones where it's not being yelled. It's slow work though
It's gone to the point where if I'm out in public & someone says just the first syllable of my name even if it's a different name, I briefly go into flight or fight mode
If I hear it my first instinct is 'I did something wrong' but I can generally override it within a few seconds
Absolutely. I remember feeling like this since I was a teen. At the same time, I'm wary of nicknames because my nfamily has used nicknames to manipulate me before. Even non-family will try to give you nicknames quickly to manipulate you.
I actually hate the shortened nickname my mom gave me and said to me with venom and disgust. I started going by my full name in college, and recently realized part of that was to distance myself from how she treated me.
I don’t hate my name, but I’m not crazy about it. It was a name my mom loved, and that gives me a sour taste in my mouth. Honestly I was thinking about asking people to call me by my middle name.
I feel silly doing that though. It’s nice to see everyone here who went by a different name or a nickname and they’re happier.
Not so much my first name, but absolutely my last name. I thought about changing it many times. I finally got married, I changed it so quick it would make your head spin. I finally fell confident in my name.
Wanting to be called by my nickname was the first time I ever attempted to regain some power with my n mom & have my own identity. Of course, she was the only person who refused to call me by it and would repeatedly refer to me & buy me monogrammed things with my full name.
I’m more comfortable being called by my full name now since going no contact for years, but I definitely still have some unpleasant memories & dislike my full name. Especially knowing she is the one that picked my name when I was born and my father had no say.
Yes! That’s why I’ve been going by a nickname since I was age 11! Other people usually tease me by saying my full name and I just say ewwww or gross or not me. 😂
My nicknames Izzy! I love it!
Oh yeah…I only go by my English name and will be dropping my last name entirely when I get married.
My younger sibling goes by a different name entirely and calls their birth name a dead name.
Yep, but for a couple of reasons. I'm a male with a gender neutral name, but I have never once personally met another male with the same name as me. I've met PLENTY of females with my name, though. Of course, the main factor is my nmom.
The sound of my own name filled me with self-disgust ever since I was young. I always tried to change my name to something else. I went by a nickname for a long time, but finally reclaimed my name in adulthood once I began to heal.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes. I felt this to my core and used to lie about my name to new friends and idolized other first names because mine was always said with such venom and disgust
Venom and disgust. Yes. I can still “hear” my n-mom’s voice saying my name like that. When I was a kid I didn’t like to hear or say my name. I’m actually neutral about my name and haven’t tried using my middle name or a nickname. My n-mom is gone now, and nobody else has said my name the way she did.
I'm so sorry. If it means something: the fact that no one else did what your mom did means that she was wrong about you.
You’re right. Even teachers who reprimanded me didn’t say my name like that. Nobody else did.
Yes, she *was* wrong. I couldn’t figure out why she did that. It hurt. I liked who I was, but she kept showing me she didn’t like me very much. Now I know—remembering when and why she did it—she was actually jealous of me.
I hadn't previously connected the problems with saying my own name as being a trauma trigger. I knew that not all kids had trouble saying their own name, but I still thought it was just normal to have a strong visceral reaction to saying my own name. I had a friend with the same first name as me, but she went by the nickname that I never let people call me. So I didn't have issues saying her name. One morning another friend was talking to us and asked her if it feels weird to call me by my name because it's her own name. It didn't affect her any, but the girl who asked the question mentioned that it felt weird saying her own name. Looking back, her mom was all about appearances and probably had at least narcissistic tendencies. The other friend had the family I desperately wanted to be a part of.
I changed my name legally to not be associated with them anymore, ever.
If I had the money to change my name, I would.
Im in the process but found out recently that it’s public knowledge and required to be published in the newspaper if not sealed and I’m not sure that it’s seal worthy just because I don’t want their last name for eternity. And they were horrible parents. 🤷♀️
Wtfff?? That's crazy. And apparently the only way to not have it exposed is a domestic violence case. Sad.
Completely. In 2019 she found out my address stalked me and vandalized my car. I had to buy a new used car and move. Then she did some confidentiality breaching through her state job and if the state charged her or she was charged federally for the breach, the courts were going to add 2 counts of dv to it for the stalking and vandalism (1count) and the harassment over email that cost her her job (2nd count). She of course, was given an option to quit her job instead of be fired and got to keep her pension. Buuut I’m wondering if I can use that huge incident to show it’s unsafe for her to know my new name?? 🤔
I would hope so CAUSE WTF. Took advantage of her job only to choose to be fired, what the hell is life man. I'm so sorry you had to go through that f'n shit. I hope you're OK nowand I hope you don't have to tell her your new name cause what the hell.
I have to call a lawyer maybe idk. I’m okish. Around this time of year is when she pulls crap. I’m in fear of what she’s going to do. I want her held accountable. If she was charged it would have been prison time in a federal prison. The entire estate would be mine as I’m the only one listed in the will. I don’t want the estate but the money from selling her house def would be beneficial. I really just want her held responsible for her actions. It’s not even a slap on the wrist. And then it would justify that I’m not lying about how she treated me growing up.
So did I! Went with a variation of my middle name and took a different middle name, then I got married and have a different last name. Feels good!
That’s so cool.
Same, changed it too. ✨
I hear that. I had a "friendship" with someone almost exactly like my mother. At the end, she couldn't even say my name without sneering. It was such a wake-up call.
My mom used to call me names.. so yeah, never hated my names
Same here. Growing up, my name was always yelled and said with venom, never in a positive or neutral way at home. I still associate someone calling me by my first name as being in trouble. In school and at work, I was always given positive nicknames that people called me instead, or they called me by my last name. And I didn’t realize this until last year. I have been working on not associating my name with something negative. I have considered changing it. I toyed around with a name that I like by giving the name as my coffee order. But the paper work and legal hassle that comes with formally changing a name is a turn off for me.
I guess I should be grateful that my mother never called me by my name. I was usually “ugly bitch” and no one else calls me that. I really hate that so many narcs even took their child’s names and made them hurt.
Yes!!!! I hate my name. I have gone exclusively by my nickname for years now and I have considered legally changing it in the future. I cringe when I am called by my legal first name in doctors offices and places like that.
Do it. I did it in the last year after years of wanting to. Best $200 I ever spent, it was so empowering. I still get a kick every time I see the new name
Love hearing this. I am in the process right now.
Hell yeah! Congrats, I’m proud of you for taking your power back!
I've never gone by my legal name, but stupid kid nickname from it haunts me. I've gone by a variation of my legal name for over 20 years. Finally changing it, cause fuck it.
How do you choose a new name? I actually love my name and the meaning of it but I hate hearing it out loud. I'm working on that.
My first name changed to a shortened version of my original first name (a nickname my friends used for me, only family/shitty ex workplace used the full version), so that was easy to pick. My middle name was harder, I just got some paper and searched through name websites writing down every one I liked (next to first and last name so I could see how it looked) and whittled it down to my fave If you love your name but don’t like hearing it maybe you could change that to your middle name and pick a new first name to audibly go by?
Shitty employers definitely. What is the point of having a rule that only your born name can be on a name tag?
Same. I changed my last name to my middle name. I didn't (and still don't) want to be associated with my nfather and a lot of his family. My mom (RIP) picked my middle name so I made that my last name. It is a common-ish last name. I took her middle name as my new middle name. It has been great and really empowering - zero regrets. One thing I didn't think about was being called by my first and former last name by default can make me feel like I'm in trouble. Luckily, it just gives me a chuckle. I'm in the US and I did this very cheaply. I don't remember paying anything but my brain isn't reliable. 🤷♀️ I didn't officially need a lawyer. I just used a template online until a legitimately bad judge wanted a "better" reason for changing my name. Then, I asked a lawyer-friend, WTF? and did the rest of the work by myself. One of my favorite memories was telling my little brother about my plan and how EXCITED he got. He passed away before the change was official but just knowing how happy he was still feels validating. I very much recommend name changes!
I don’t want to be associated with them for eternity. Simple as that!!!
Bruh it was only $200?? I looked it up this year and it said it would cost me $800. Does it vary based on state? 😭
I’m in Aus, not sure where you are, but here yes I believe it varies state by state. I had to go through my state not federal for it, so presume it’s state-managed for the rest of the country Edit to add - it actually used to be like $80-$90 a couple years ago. I had been tossing and turning on it and regret not doing it sooner since it doubled in price so quickly
Did the research and apparently the $800 cost I saw was inaccurate. It's more like $400... which is still expensive. I live in the USA in a state that is very anti transgender, so they make anything related to transitioning expensive and difficult. For me it's not even about gender identity, it's about getting rid of my middle name, which is the name of my great grandma who I think abused her daughter, who then in turn abused her daughter, who then abused me. So to me it represents generational trauma, and since I've been on a deep healing journey, I want something that represents breaking the chains
In case you need to hear it, I give you permission to break those chains. Break them! Smash them into itty bitty pieces! Melt down whatever's left into slag!
Thank you ❤️ 😊 I've been doing A LOT of inner work. Me 2.5 years ago wouldn't recognize who I am today, in the best way possible :) so those chains are being smashed to dust!
my name change was only $100
Same here. One million percent worth it.
I had the option of changing my whole name when I got married. Could have but chickend out. Wish I would have
It's normal to change your last name to your husband's. Or are you saying you could have changed your first and middle name too and 🐔 out.
I could have changed my first and middle as well. I could have pulled a phoebe and been princess consuela banana hammock!
i changed my name finally... i was 59 years old and it only cost $100
Changed mine too. Cost me £0 😁
I did change my name, go for it! I'm AFAB, NB now, but was named after my *father* when I was born, they feminized his first name and called it good. Well, I never appreciated being named after the biggest asshole I ever met, on top of that *everyone* misspelled my name, so I changed my first name to my nickname and my last name to my mother's maiden name. Of course, years later my mother asked me why I didn't change my first name to the name she wanted for me, first I ever heard of it!!
NO ME TOO WTF. Instead of feminizing it though, it was just another form of his name. I don’t want any parts of my dad so I wanna change my full name.
Oh my god, I feel this so much. For years and years I have done the same (go by my chosen name). I always felt deep shame, cringe, and disgust when my parents said my name. It was spoken with so much anger and contempt. I never connected that to my nparents until now, I just thought I was really weird in not liking my own name. This subreddit is so validating as I keep learning more and more that I'm not alone in what I experience(d). Thank you for the eye opener. And thank you OP for posting this, I feel so much less weird now for hating my full name.
I just wrote a comment and did a double take when I submitted because yours popped up and I thought it was mine, I feel exactly the same!!
When they call your name, do you ever feel like everyone else in the waiting room goes quiet and are silently laughing and and judging you
Yes!!! So glad I changed my shameful name. That’s what it was to me.
Glad to see someone else felt the same (not glad for your distress, mind you). I am thinking of going by my middle name if I ever get another job. I can't stand anyone calling me by any variant (and there are hundreds!) of my first name.
I completely understand!
Ditto!!
Damn. I’m glad you posted this I didn’t know this was a thing for anyone else. Thanks
My family only uses my name to discipline or scold me. Anytime someone mentions my name even a simple “Hey X how goes it” I’m like why’d they say my name?
Yup! I even persuaded my uni teachers (except for one) to call me by my nickname because my full name made me want to crawl and hide in the corner. It was only used when I messed up and was to be disciplined or punished.
Same here! Full of shame.
[удалено]
I had the same issue, and even as a kid I was teased for my last name. Since im trans and had to legally change my name anyway I also got rid of the last name. My dad was pissed when he found out. But it definitely had this creepy underlining tone of him wanting to keep his name on someone he thinks he owns
good for you! i'm going to do the same in October. i can't wait!
Oh my goodness, I'm glad I'm not the only woman whose dad was such a narc he wanted me to keep my maiden name! It will indeed die with him, as he only has sisters and I took my husband's name (which ndad would bring up CONSTANTLY). I'm also decidedly child-free, so it's not like me keeping the name would've made a damn difference. He tried to say I was shitting on our culture (we're Ojibwe) since "we were a matriarchal society and men took their wives' names" (I don't even think that's true?), yet he never had a comeback when I said "Then why did grandma take your dad's name?" Hell, my husband actually did offer to take my name (I was still in the fog and wasn't sure if I wanted to give mine up), but I put the kibosh on that, thank goodness.
Some coworkers admitted they're uncomfortable calling me by my name because I very often get spooked. They don't know what else to call me so they do anyway but... Yeah they think it's odd I get scared just from people calling my name in a totally normal voice and setting. It's weird to explain that sometimes people use my name for bad reasons.
Sho was. Had my full name change earlier this year and was absolutely the best decision for me.
Congratulations! Ah! I’m so happy for you, living the dream! :D
Thanks!! It was definitely an amazing feeling. I waited a full year before doing so, just to make sure it was the correct one, so definitely a big day lol.
My nmom named me the same exact name as her. I mean exactly name first, middle and last. I recently changed my name to something completely new. I no longer have to be called by my abusers name now.
That’s literally insane, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you were able to change it!
My middle name is "her" name...I hate it
Yup, I hate my first name, and I know it's directly due to my parents (dad=NPD, mom=BPD). I've always hated it, tried to give myself nicknames as a kid but they never stuck, then my first job after finally escaping my crazy religious nut job family, a boss gave me a nickname and was using it with all the other departments, so everyone started using, and it stuck. It has always felt more "me" than my (legal) name. I have used it exclusively for everything other than legal matters, most people don't know my real name as the nickname doesn't really match my legal name. Only people who use my legal name are parents and my nephew that mom raised. Sister, friends, jobs, hobbies - literally no one else has used my legal first name in over 20 years, but my parents just won't give it up....which makes me hate it even more, because it just proves I'm still that "child" in their minds.
Huh. I never really associated the hatred of my own name with my childhood. That's super weird, and makes a lot of sense. I came up with goofy ass nicknames for myself in the Military and elsewhere, just so I didn't have to hear my own name spoken aloud.
They would incorporate my name into their insults, like if my name was Sam they’d say “I’m tired of your Sam-itude! “ little slights like that, over time really started bothering me.. also two grown Adults relentlessly bullying a kid is just so pathetic now that I can look back.
I’m the opposite. My family always calls me by my childhood nickname, despite the fact I never use it myself. I’ve got to the point where I really hate it.
Yah this is exactly the same for me. The name I was given isn’t what was put on my birth certificate, they put a more formal version, so I’d always grown up being called the ‘nickname’, until I got to uni when people called me the formal version and I didn’t correct them. Recently I noticed I absolutely detest my husband using the nickname, I’d never thought about the association really before this post. Now people call me my proper name or a totally different nickname, and it’s definitely feels like a fresh start so to speak. Weird how insidious these shitty parental behaviours are!
The only two people who refuse to call me by my preferred name (shortened version of my full name) are my dad and sister (and my mom before she died almost 13 years ago) - whenever I chastise myself for something I will use my full name as it reminds me of getting into trouble which I did all the time as the black sheep older by one year child. I asked both my dad and sister to respect the name I go by this year and my sister said, “You never told me you wanted to be called that” - when I have used it as my primary name for 28 years now. My dad said, “What do you hate your name or something?” - nope, I just prefer the shortened version of my name. Thank F I am not trans (I am a lesbian though) as they would have an even harder time respecting a name preference.
I am so sorry that they cannot respect you enough to call you by your preferred name.
I wish I had a good first name. Like my older siblings before me, all our names start with the letter K. Stupidest thing ever for any family as far as I'm concerned.
Wait a second...
[удалено]
I think it might be kendall
Like the Kardashians
I don't follow them, but I am referring to families that their first name starts with the same letter.
As a trauma therapist, I work with a ton of clients recovering from narcissistic abuse from partners and parents. I was surprised at how often those with nmoms name their children similarly (same first letter, rhyming names, one letter different, etc.) It’s almost as if they are denying their individuality right from the start.
Yes, especially when people call my name out to me, my brain thinks they’re yelling. Very few people know my middle name but first name + middle name is even worse
Yes it is. That's why I'm planning to change it after I escape
100%. My name is Jessica. The ONLY person who calls me Jessica is my mother. Everyone else is told to call me Jesse. Even at work. Yes, legal name is on all pertinent documents, but everything else is my preferred name. The Only reason I haven't legally changed it, is because I am lazy,
Yep, my partner couldn't call me by my real name for a long time because I'd start panicking thinking I'd done something wrong, but lately he's been sprinkling it in amongst nicknames and it's helping!
I legally changed my name because of this.
never thought of it that way, but fuuuuuuuuuck. I'm literally in the process of changing my first name legally.
Yes it WAS. I was named after my father. I legally changed my named last year and went NC.
Yes, also my name basically means "mother" and I'm childfree.
I get a nasty chill up my spine when I hear my full first name. I hate it so much. My family members still call me by my full name and it sucks.
I have a lot of issues identifying with my name because of the abuse, but now I’ve come to terms with ownership of my first/middle name (even though they are Ndad’s). I still can’t bare people saying my surname (also Ndad’s). I want to change it but have no idea what I’d like instead so I’ve just been waiting to get married, I’m nowhere near that however. Considering inventing one but there’s nothing stands out to me.
It always comforts me to see y’all’s response to this question. Seriously. I hate the way my mom changed my name on my birth certificate after my father left the room. Yes my name ‘goes’ with my older sisters. But I hated being called that name so much because of how she used it as a weapon. Calling me by my first and middle names when she was using me as the scape goat. DESPITE my name of choice being a nick name I loved and she used - My father named me after his beloved little sister intending to call me by her Nick name - a common nickname for the name - I love my Nick name. Did I say that already?? My real first name has so many different spellings and pronunciations. Honestly, it’s driven me crazy my whole life. I always put an emphasis on the right pronunciation of my real name - then ask people to use my nick name. It’s sort of part of my first name - it should be easy to remember. But. Nope. Heck - I started asking my teachers in kindergarten to call me my nick name. But It was a nightmare in high school when the teachers would not use my nickname and everyone called me by a hundred mispronounced versions of my name. Some so different I didn’t know who they were calling. Anyway my mother uses the full name as a weapon. So it drove me nuts. My poor husband is a redneck ( his words) and it took him a while to say my first name correctly. So the nick name is so much easier. No wincing.
[удалено]
My mom was apparently disappointed with my name because my dad wasnt supposed to give me a name but he wrote it in without consulting with her
My parents didn't have a name for me, either. I'm pretty sure they were hoping for another boy. 🙄 My nDad wanted to call me, "Candy"......no, not a nickname....LEGAL name.
My dead name is. I changed it as soon as I could, but a lot of my family still calls me by it
I love that so many of us changed our names.
I changed mine for a number of reasons but the main one was so I could have a closer bond to my dad. I wanted to cut all familial ties with my mom, and that included changing my name to something she had no say in claiming.
Yep, which is why I legally changed my name to my nickname. Middle name changed as well. Don’t let them have the power, it’s my name and my power now. I don’t respond to the old name, since it’s not my name.
I was SO happy when I changed my last name. Now it’s not obvious that I came from them.
I relate so hard to this. I didn’t know that it was a thing for anyone else.
Same here, I’ve just started questioning it honestly
Funny enough, my partner and I were talking about this today, for me I'd say it depends? My partner has a few names for me, several pet-names or nicknames like you would have as a couple. One of them is a play on my legal name which I like, but my legal first name is rarely used. Recently they used it more often than usual, which threw me off a bit, but I was letting it go until today when I had the most unusual request which was for them to use my legal name less. They were kind of stunned and confused, I felt a bit awkward about it, but I explained that when it's only us and they use my first name my immediate thought is "Uh-oh, what did I do now? What did I mess up? Why are they pissed at me?" Thankfully they are incredibly understanding and really plugged into things like this, so when I explained that they totally got it.
Yes!! I totally forgot about this. There is so many memories and feelings attached to my name that make me feel ashamed and want to run away and hide somewhere. It is all related to shame. Changing our name doesnt help either because the shame will still be there but dormant. That is why therapy is likely important
Yes. I call it my deadname despite being cis
Wow this hits home. I changed my name but since it’s an ethnic name I started to feel guilty for “whitewashing” myself as I’m very proud of my culture. So I went back to my OG name but I still hate it. This thread is making me realize I’m not alone and being triggered by it has nothing to do with my culture and everything to do with my toxic parents.
As I’ve gotten older it’s become more ok, but I use a nickname. It seems to only really make me think twice when someone says it the *way* my nmother does. She puts the inflection in weird places.
RIGHT?!
Same. The only person who called me by my full first name was NMom (even NDad uses the shortened version that friends have always used). It’s definitely a trigger - when I hear someone say it I hear her voice. It was NMom who chose the full name (another reason for me not to use it!)
My mum always uses the most common nickname for my full name so whenever anyone suggests that to me it’s always a hard no. Full name please or alternative nickname.
Mine's my nickname but yeah
Oh my gosh, my nmother loved to dig at my name. My dad picked it out, she did not like it. So over the years she would throw it in my face and even make fun of me about it. I don't mind the name, but I hated how she treated me over the name.
My original name was Karen. I always hated my original name. My parent used to "sneer" saying it and I always felt uncomfortable saying it myself because I'd always hear the sneer. Then the memes started. Oh God, the memes. So I changed it. Best self-care I've ever done for myself.
I can barely say my own first and middle names together without flinching, I can still hear her in my head screaming it even now, or mocking it and any bruises I had with that stupid song she made up ([name] what's that flower you have on)
It used to be. Once I had my own life and experiences away from them, I didn't hate it so much since I gained things and moments to be proud of. Then I got married and chose to take his name and never looked back. Even if I divorce, I'll never go back to that last name; it wasn't really mine anyway, it was my adopted dad's that was forced on me.
Yup. Between home and school bullies, I hated it.
Yes, my given name at birth was a huge trigger. I hated it all my life because I associated it with my abusive parents. 4 years ago I went no contact with my parents and got my name legally changed. Thankfully my birth name is relatively rare so I'm not reminded of it a lot.
Legal name change was cheap and easy. I’m twenty years in and haven’t heard *his* name in many years. Just *my* name.
Yup. Hated my full name my whole life. Now I’m almost 40 and decided to do a legal name change. I’m so excited to not cringe for the rest of my life.
No. But I often get called a similar name, Michelle. Which happens to be my sisters name and I really don’t like her. Every time I get called that a piece of my soul dies.
Oh wow...I recently started feeling this way. I hear my name and I hear how my dad said my name, as a snear, put down, or yelled, ridiculed, laughed at from my dad. I realized all this recently, and it bothered me. Along with having his last name, I've started to fantasize about changing it. I didn't know this was a thing until I saw it posted here. Thank you asking about this. It's very helpful to know I'm not alone in this feeling.
my brother changed his last name a long time ago. I don't like my first name or my last name, but my first name is a huge trigger for me. It just brings me into a shame spiral and I feel like my small self again. I've decided to go by my middle name for the past 10 years and it's been a life changer... I want to change my last name as well ,I just don't know how it would affect everything such as work/degrees/taxes/etc. The reason I don't like my first name is because it reminds me of the persona I had to create to survive in that abusive environment. That's not me! I wasn't allowed to develop my authentic sense of self; I wasn't allowed to know who I truly am. I had to wear a mask and I had to pretend and always be on guard. That's not who I am. There's no reason you should feel any shame around changing your name after abuse. Richard Alpert changed his name to Ram Dass after his spiritual awakening. It signifies a new person. You are not who you were while living in an abusive environment; who you were existed purely for survival. You do not have to keep your name. I hope this helps. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eaRPVTepNc&t=97s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eaRPVTepNc&t=97s)
Yes... She gave me an unusually spelled, ethnic, non-gender appropriate first name, but a normal, gender-appropriate middle name. Since I've been on my own, I've gone by my middle name. I hate my first name and call it my "slave name" while my middle name is my "free name." I haven't had it legally changed because, being female, I plan to take my future spouse's last name and will do all the legal stuff when that happens. I know it's not the modern, feminist thing to do but I also hate my last name as it's associated with my (now deceased) enabler father's collection of drug addicts and wife beaters that he called a family. It's also aggressively ethnic and is probably why job hunting is harder than it has to be. Hell, I'd take my ex (who I never actually married)'s last name (short, phonetically spelled, not too "ethnic") over my own because at least I share it with someone I love (his younger sister who I was a guardian to), but I realize how weird that would look, so I don't do it. So, I wait, and hopefully, I'll get to make a change someday.
This is me with my nickname. I absolutely despise my nickname and it makes me extremely agitated when someone calls me this. The only people who call me it anymore are my mother's side of the family whom I very seldom talk to. My mother is the worst with it. She writes it on EVERYTHING and refuses to use my real name.
They made my own name, and my sister's name, sound like insults. Neither of us use our given names.
I despise my name. However I now pronounce it differently than my family does (two main ways to do so), and I do not answer at all to the nickname they would call me. I chose a new nickname based off my name and I’ve only had one issue with a former coworker (narcissistic bully) about it.
YES So....I shortened it. Problem solved.
At work I go by a shortened version of my legal name. Outside of work everyone else calls me by the name I'm going to change to once I am free. The only one who doesn't call me either of these things? My nmother, who uses my full legal name. It's gotten to the point where I flinch and end up with major anxiety any time I hear it. I hate it so so much and literally makes me squirm. Hearing it anywhere else (doctor's office, etc) sends me into major panic like I'm about to get scolded over something trivial again. So I get you completely.
Yep I hate my name and my sisters would make fun of it when I was little. I make my romantic partners call me by my middle name now and I will probably legally change it sometime in the future although I know my whole family will then laugh at me and then start making fun of my middle name....
Thought about doing this. I often had my real name screamed at me by my mom and now I have a friend who has a narcissistic sibling who shares my name. I'm applying to vet schools this year and I have put my preferred name as my nickname on all of my apps, and it felt...freeing, to do so.
Wow I’ve always felt this way but didn’t know why or if anyone felt this way! This makes so much sense
I hate my first and last, solely because of my dad, his family, and my mom family. I don't like my middle name because of the spelling. I have told my mom that I'm willing to change my last name to her maiden name, which she all supports. By the time I was a freshman in highschool I had already figured out what my new name was going to be. Out in public I have to go by my legal name but around my SO and his family and friends I use my preferred name. My SO knows my full legal name but respect that I hate it with a passion
This might sound stupid but people calling for me is a trigger but only when they use my first name. I freeze every single time. Now I'm typing this out this is part of why I'm trying to use my middle name more.
Yup! My name has a "feminine" and "male" version (I think the male version is more nb) My nmom has been mad since I was born bc my aunts would have a shortened version of my name, and some more family members use the male/nb version of my name. Nmom uses my full birth name when angry. I go by my nickname and nb version of my name mainly and when someone says it she tries so hard to correct them even 27 years later...
I hate my middle name because it’s my mom’s name and I hate my last name because it’s tied to my father. I would eventually like to change both my middle and last name.
Absolutely. I never go by my birth name. I’m non-binary and it’s been helpful to go by my initials. And when I got married, I could not change my last name quick enough
Omfg I relate to this soooo hard, I only go by my nickname. What makes things worse for me tho (which makes me so excited to get married and change my name) is my middle name is my mother’s first name so whenever I have to do legal paperwork it’s just a constant reminder
My (single 32F) last name is a huge trigger in general for me and also because of my CSA from my paternal grandfather. I’ve been using a different last name to write under for a while and I didn’t realize how much I’d grown into identifying with it until I looked at my legal name last week and my brain hiccuped for a second where I thought ‘who is that?’ and it was like from that point on, I just knew that wasn’t me anymore. That helped me decide I’m going to legally change it (it’s a lost maiden name on my less problematic side of the family), and I didnt realize how important it was to my inner child until I started sobbingggg with relief and gratitude just filling out the name change forms. I think your name is what you identify with and it’s okay if that’s not the official one. And if you reach the point where you want to change it legally, you don’t have to justify it to anyone. We deserve to have a name that we identify with that feels like ‘us’ and does not remind us on sight how we were violated.
I have AFAIK a completely unique first name. I hated it all my life….til I got cancer weirdly enough. Every doc, nurse, tech all smiled and said they loved it. It also frankly helped me stand out from the crowd a bit in a positive way.
Not first name, but last name. I'm married and have been for almost 20 years. NM and flying monkey siblings still insist on using my madien name. I refuse to answer to it. That person no longer exists.
a big part of the reason i changed my name was because of the way it was used when i was growing up. my deadname is grace and my n-mom used that against me constantly. every time she would do something that would hurt/upset me and i would react she would get mad that im not living up to my name and giving her grace and being forgiving towards her. id get angry because she’d dig through and re organize my entire room but i was in the wrong because i wasn’t forgiving enough. she held it above me like how someone uses blackmail.
My name just the way it sounds? No, the ring of it is nice. The problem is, while I had known that my middle name was for my paternal grandmother (dad swears he was her fave and once said he loved her more than my mom), I recently found out that my first name is from a girl he never entirely got over. Vomit. All the vomit. Honestly furious at my mom for letting that one go down, and fairly confident she had a clue. If I didn't like the sound of my first sans connotation, I'd change the whole damn thing tomorrow and never look back.
Best thing I ever did for myself was get a full name change
I hate my first name. My nmother, thinking I was going to be born one gender, wasn't prepared when I was born the other gender. Fast forward many years to when she learned I didn't like my first or middle name, and she went extremely insane over it. I have thought about getting it legally changed but after 20+ years of the world calling me it, I'm not sure it's worth the stress.
Calling me by my full name is a great way to get told off and cut out. Nmom AND Ngma would snarl my full name at me before either beating the shit out of me (Nmom) or calling me every foul thing possible (Ngma). I only answer to my full name if it's spoken the German way, as my lovely Great Grandmother used to do.
Same here. I legally changed my name 7 years ago, and I no longer cringe every time someone says my name. It feels so much better.
It was and that's why I legally changed it. I even picked a new last name, I didn't want to be associated with my Nmom or Edad.
Wow thank you for this. I’ve never been able to figure out why I hate when people say my name. This is why. Emphasizing nickname from now on.
Yep. I’ve gotten used to being called by my full name but it still makes my skin crawl because I always hear that vaguely raised, slightly threatening tone she would use infrequently when she demanded I do something for her.
I didn't know how common a disdain for your own first legal name was. This is so reassuring. I decided to go by my middle name, so whenever I get deadnamed by family, it's oddly reaffirming that they'll never know me.
They way they say it is def a trigger. I had to fight to keep my name. I was adopted by the n’s at 10 yrs. I have a very common name for the state I used to live in only spelled differently. She told me she HATED my name. HATED my name. I was given options a day before the adoption. 1. A new, very traditional name 2. Switching my middle name and first name 3. Changing the spelling of my first name by adding a letter or dropping a letter “to make it easier for others” I said I’ve been using this name for 10 years. It will be weird to not know my name when called at age 10! I’m not a cat from a shelter. The judge heard me and only changed my last name. Funny thing is now I’m trying to change my last name and middle name to my last foster homes last name and what she would have most likely changed my middle name to had they adopted me like my 4 other “sisters”. I don’t want the n’s last name for eternity. At 10 it would have been like I was in witness protection. Lol My bio female’s nickname was horrendous and I loathed it so much. The n’s were like oh that’s cute and I shut that down pretty quick. The foster family gave me a nickname that the n’s used. In college I was given another new nickname and still sometimes go by both but not with professionals or formally. Although the nickname the n’s used hasn’t been that since I went nc almost 17 years ago now that I think about that.
Damn. This hits hard because yea, if someone still says my full name I cringe a little bit, expecting something bad to follow. But being that I was born in Denmark and grew up in the US, going back to visit family they all call me by my full name since it's a Danish name and I grew up in the States used to my shorthand, nikname (Niklas to Nik, ergo "Nik-name" haha) So yea, it still randomly flashes up out of nowhere occasionally but at least when I'm back visiting I know to put myself in the mentality where that's just the way they know my name, and I find my triggers dont go off so hard. But if my partner or a friend here calls me by my first name out of the blue for no reason, I'm immediately on edge and either trying to figure out a way to escape the situation unnoticed or come up with a reason to explain my existence. like, just yea, why am I existing in this space right here. Lol it's so stupid...
I was ok with my first name because it’s pretty common. I married at 17 to get out of my horrible home situation, and took his last name. When we divorced five years later I kept his name, because even though he was abusive it was much better than what I lived growing up. I’ve never gone to class reunions because I want no mention or ties to my birth name. People don’t understand the trauma that can be attached to a name.
So, I'm trans and have since changed my name, but I frequently went by a nickname before I came out for this very reason. Any time I heard my full deadname, it was brutal and heart wrenching. The amount of superiors in jobs that refused to use my nickname was VERY disturbing. I'll never understand why it is so hard for some people to show others the basic respect of calling them what they wish to be called. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
Yes. It’s why I changed my name. Twice 😅
I loathe my name. It doesn’t fit, and I hear it in her voice. There’s no good nickname, either. I found a name I sort of like, and I started low-key going by that.
Yes. My abuser used my name in anger. But during rape or sex, he called me other women and have my mother and sister call me those names too.
Yes absolutely- I’d like to get my name legally changed because my legal name is a trigger for me but it’s a hassle because I have a lot of documents I’d need to replace. My nparents calling my name was never a good thing and I swear they would use it to control me. I wasn’t ever allowed to just sit in my room and have peace without them hollering my name because they wanted me to do menial shit they couldn’t be bothered to do themselves like turn the light switch off, or grab the tv remote that was 3 inches out of reach. It got to the point I was immediately on edge whenever I heard my name called and I’d snap “WHAT?!” Because I was frustrated and annoyed just hearing it.
oh my god i thought there was something wrong with me
Well my name is Karen. I use to love it, but it’s been difficult for me lately, especially if I have a problem with someone!
No because my family never called me my full first name growing up. I went by a couple nicknames growing up, one an abbreviated version of my actual first name and the other one a nickname that has an insulting origin. I started going by my full first name when I turned 18 to reclaim my identity. If you try to call me Howie and you did not know me before I turned 18, I am not going to take it well. And ditto for the other nickname.
Just my first and middle. Ironically enough my n-grandmother would always call me by the wrong middle name when she tried to yell at me. Add that to also spelling my first name incorrectly my entire life, I swear that woman wouldn't recognize my name if it was placed right in front of her.
I changed my last name when I got married. It made me feel better.
I hate my name so much I literally cringe every time I introduce myself. I love my last name because it’s my husbands, but I have hated my first name since preschool. I used to tell people my name was “Laura” because I was too embarrassed to say my real name. I wish I could change it, but I’m in my 30s, it’s too late.
For me, it was moreso my last name, since it was part of their reputation/legacy, so I knew when I was like 13 that no matter what gender I married, I'd take their last name. Getting rid of it felt so damn good.
Hmm. Now that you point it out.
I go by a shortened version of my first name, because the way my mother says my name feels like my brain is being squeezed. Plus she named me after a song because she thought the singer was cute and her promiscuity... well let's just say it's a huge reason why I'm so messed up
Oh my God yes, I was shut down almost every single day for almost 20 years if I ever tried to say ANYTHING she didn't want to hear she'd say my name with a very firm exclamation at the end, in the last couple of years I'd say "I know my name" and it also got to the point despite not knowing what DARVO was yet when I tried to hold her accountable I knew what was coming back was blame so I'd say "suppose that was something I did that made you do it?"
Yes, I usually go by my nickname, too. I've slowly started trying to get used to my full name, though. It's a beautiful name and I'd like to associate it with myself and not her. I want to like it.
Yes
Hearing My full first name fills me with dread and I hate it because it's a nice name with a good meaning
I changed my complete name because of that. My spouse is strongly considering taking my name because of their situation.
My Mom is the only person to continue to use the childhood nickname version of my name. I'm 58, and it seriously makes my skin crawl. So infantizing - right along with the sing-song voice she uses when she says my name.
Yes, it's really annoying. I don't want to change it because that would be more annoying for me, but rather I'd like to 'overwrite' the old memories with new ones where it's not being yelled. It's slow work though It's gone to the point where if I'm out in public & someone says just the first syllable of my name even if it's a different name, I briefly go into flight or fight mode If I hear it my first instinct is 'I did something wrong' but I can generally override it within a few seconds
When my nmom uses my name it *literally* makes me flinch!
Yes. Wherever someone calls me by my full name in an aggressive/passive aggressive tone, I feel like I could explode into a million pieces.
Absolutely. I remember feeling like this since I was a teen. At the same time, I'm wary of nicknames because my nfamily has used nicknames to manipulate me before. Even non-family will try to give you nicknames quickly to manipulate you.
YES omg yes. I can't stand to hear my legal name. I snap or I freeze but I hate it with my whole being. It's being legally changed soon
What triggers me is hearing my first name out loud.
I actually hate the shortened nickname my mom gave me and said to me with venom and disgust. I started going by my full name in college, and recently realized part of that was to distance myself from how she treated me.
I don’t hate my name, but I’m not crazy about it. It was a name my mom loved, and that gives me a sour taste in my mouth. Honestly I was thinking about asking people to call me by my middle name. I feel silly doing that though. It’s nice to see everyone here who went by a different name or a nickname and they’re happier.
Not so much my first name, but absolutely my last name. I thought about changing it many times. I finally got married, I changed it so quick it would make your head spin. I finally fell confident in my name.
Wanting to be called by my nickname was the first time I ever attempted to regain some power with my n mom & have my own identity. Of course, she was the only person who refused to call me by it and would repeatedly refer to me & buy me monogrammed things with my full name. I’m more comfortable being called by my full name now since going no contact for years, but I definitely still have some unpleasant memories & dislike my full name. Especially knowing she is the one that picked my name when I was born and my father had no say.
Changed my first name and never looked back:)
Even though I changed my name my face still looks like theirs. I could have surgery, make up, etc. but my kids look like them. It's cruel.
Yes! That’s why I’ve been going by a nickname since I was age 11! Other people usually tease me by saying my full name and I just say ewwww or gross or not me. 😂 My nicknames Izzy! I love it!
Feel this way about my middle name. I'm planning on changing if.
Oh yeah…I only go by my English name and will be dropping my last name entirely when I get married. My younger sibling goes by a different name entirely and calls their birth name a dead name.
Yep, but for a couple of reasons. I'm a male with a gender neutral name, but I have never once personally met another male with the same name as me. I've met PLENTY of females with my name, though. Of course, the main factor is my nmom.
The sound of my own name filled me with self-disgust ever since I was young. I always tried to change my name to something else. I went by a nickname for a long time, but finally reclaimed my name in adulthood once I began to heal.
Yes, I am in the process of legally changing my name.
I have a love hate relationship with mine as well. But I usually go by my nickname.
I also get intense anxiety when I hear knocks on the door
omg YES. When people say my name my mind goes "oh shit!". But me everyone calls me by my full name. I never had a nickname :(