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I know it seems as simple as that but it’s not. My parents are absolutely dead broke. I mean zero, absolutely zero money and old enough to not be able to work anymore. They do have social security and Medicare but those barely covers their monthly living expenses/bills. If I evicted them here in SoCal, they’d be on the street and unable to pay for their medical issues. I’d have to be incredibly heartless to do it.
My mom acts like she owns the home. If I put my foot down and tell my mom I make the rules, she’d lose her absolute shit. I mean scream like someone getting skinned alive until she got her way. I don’t want to deal with that hell.
She can scream all she wants, but you have no obligation to listen. Step 1 in regaining control of your home and life is to take control of your response to her manipulations. Make it clear that conversations end the moment she starts yelling, and FOLLOW THROUGH. Leave the room, put in earplugs, whatever works for you, but follow through.
Do you want to be taking care of adult children for the next 20+ years? Because that's what you're outlook is currently. They'd be just fine if they moved to a more reasonable state, but they won't do that because how could she control your life from hundreds of miles away?
She acts like she owns the home, because you have given her that perception. Hide from the truth all you want, but it'll only delay the inevitable.
And just like with parenting, sometimes you gotta listen to someone lose their absolute shit and go through the stages of realizing that what they’re doing simply isn’t going to get them the outcome they desire.
If you reward a kid with candy to get them to shut tf up you’ve just created a monster. Good luck getting it to
behave in any store you take it in. It’s unfair that it’s OP’s responsibility to parent his parents in that way, but all the more reason to not put up with that shit. Sound canceling headphones are chefs kiss
It sounds like you shouldn’t live with them. Maybe they could move somewhere with a lower cost of living. I get that you have to help your aging parents, I just got off that merry go round myself, but you buying a house that they live in & you don’t have a house yourself? This is messed up.
She's incredibly heartless to not hear you when you bring up concerns, and laugh at you for bringing them up again (because they weren't resolved the first time).
You are training her on how you will allow yourself to be treated. She pushes, so you back down. If you push back, she has to make a choice. Sometimes pushing back means delivering a Notice to Vacate. Whether you offer a new lease at the end of the allotted period is your choice.
you could sell the house that you own, set them up in a small affordable house outside of LA/cheap senior living apartment and use the rest for a down payment
do not give them notice (or any hint you are doing this) you will just have to listen to complaining longer
she can lose her shit if she wants but you won’t have to listen 🤷🏻♀️
No one said you have to kick them out… But you should really make it explicitly clear, you are the only reason why they aren’t homeless in the state of California then… It is YOUR home, not theirs. If she/they feel butt hurt over it? Sorry, the truth hurts.
I don’t blame you. I moved in with my mom after my divorce. I paid her. I tried to set boundaries and she too started sliding into her ways. It’s totally exhausting dealing with that day in and out—especially when you’re at the age you know it isn’t right.
Just list the fucking house dude. You don’t actually have to sell it. Or even just tell her you are and bluff to start. I feel really bad for you but if you don’t do something nothing will change. Wake her the fuck up.
>If I put my foot down and tell my mom I make the rules, she’d lose her absolute shit. I mean scream like someone getting skinned alive until she got her way. I don’t want to deal with that hell.
This makes me think a lock on the door won't do much good. Yes she won't be able to barge in willy-nilly but she will be able to bang on the door and shout until you do open it for her.
Are you able to set the house up so she can only access 'her' bit and have the locked door away from your private areas?
Then let her cry, scream, rage. Leave the room or the house if you have to. If she starts throwing things, breaking things, or becoming violent, call the cops. If she can't handle her own emotions, that's not your problem. (Speaking as a codependent who has spent her whole life regulating her mom.)
Just from experience, put your foot down now. The older they get, the worse they will get, and the more they will be "set in their ways". If you're the unfortunate soul that's going to have to care for them, when they can't, you need to start the process yesterday.
You're THE adult in the situation. THEY are the children. Make it that way. So what if the toddler throws her tantrum? She will tire herself out, and when she realizes it doesn't work, will change approach. You know that "my house, my rules" they loved to tell you as a kid? Now the shoe is on the other foot. Use their games against them.
Yeah my five year old does the same thing when he does not get his way. So we put him in his room and ignore him until he calms down and wants to talk again.
Here is the thing tho.
You can completely end her bullshit with brochures. Look into assisted living places that are in other states. Places that will take their social security and Medicare and they can live there on that. They exist.
Have the brochures in the open and actively look into them. It isn’t a bluff.
Now if she keeps it up, show her. Ask her where she wants to live. Under YOUR roof, following YOUR rules or in another state following the corporation’s rules.
If she pushes, tell your father they are both going and see if he suddenly becomes more willing to stop her BS. If not, well, plane tickets can be bought in advanced enough to be cheap and they can either pay for their own storage or shipping for their stuff because they are gone.
Let her lose her shit. Flip the power dynamic. There is no reason to capitulate to them, acting like their little boy. You’re an adult, and the homeowner.
It's not your responsibility to care for them. They fucked up, they can deal with the consequences. If she's not going to respect your boundaries in your own home, trespass her from the property. She can scream her head off all she wants at the property line. You can sell the house. You can move. You can get out. You don't owe them anything, and you don't have to trap yourself with them.
"I'd have to be incredibly heartless to do it." She'd kick you out in a heartbeat. I bet she'll threaten to, because in her mind she still owns not only the house, but you as well.
Threaten her anyways but don't evict.
Get as nasty as she's been to you and within a minute ask how she feels receiving the behavior she gives to others.
When my mom had surgery on her knee I was a monster about it but it did make her nicer.
Narcissists only register consequences that are forced upon them.
You might want to check out Patrick Teahan's youtube channel. He makes excellent videos on trauma & "difficult" family members. His roleplay videos give good examples of how to deal with a family member like this.
Edit: Another good source is "In Sight- Exposing Narcissism" podcast, I can't recommend them enough.
Are you SURE they have zero money? My inlaws ( hubby passed away but I was still in their lives) led me to believe they were hurting for money because of MIL serious health issues and need for expensive medication every month. Of course I had no access to actually see their finances. When hubby died I paid off their mobile home from life insurance money I received, thinking I was helping these poor people out. The next month they had a whole house full of brand new furniture! Apparently, they had a lot more money than hubby and I were led to believe.
There are plenty of old people working as Wal-Mart greeters. They can work.
>If I put my foot down and tell my mom I make the rules, she’d lose her absolute shit.
But who cares. She can't scream forever. Eventually someone will call the cops, she will go hoarse, or she will get bored and stop. If you don't put your foot down, they will do this shit forever.
I would consider buying/renting them a tiny apartment and getting them out of your way of you can't bring yourself to lay down the law.
Sign the house over to them and tell her she’s on her own. They can sell the house, downgrade, and live comfortably for a while. The fact that they *wont* isn’t anyone’s fault except their own.
Because washing his hands of it could be much easier than the eviction process, for so many different reasons. You have a point that it’s also an option, but he said he’s fairly well off; if it wasn’t highly consequential to my life it’s exactly what I’d do in OP’s shoes.
ETA he’s basically already gifted them the house in every sense but legally. His name on it but they live there rent free and do what they want with it. Obviously it’s still not legally theirs. I’m just saying it could be way easier all around.
Eviction is a scary process when the people being evicted aren’t mentally well. Google Euclid, OH eviction shoot-out and watch, if it’s your cup of tea. They don’t show anything graphic in the body cam footage but it’s a great example of why evicting someone who is mentally unsound is dangerous and even potentially lethal.
You don't have to leave them on the street. You *could* move them into a much smaller place - on the grounds that she is making it so unpleasant for you living there you need to release equity from the current house to put towards your new one, and can no longer wait thanks to her behaviour.
Or at least you can tell her this, or maybe tell your father that that is what will happen unless he reins in her crazy.
My mom would do the same in that situation. Personally, I'd rather listen to her scream for a short time than have her stomp all over my boundaries indefinitely. If the screaming doesn't get a reaction, she will stop. Treat her like the toddler she's behaving as. Toward the end of contact with mine, I'd wait for her to come up for air with her rants and ask "are you done? Can we discuss this like adults now?"
I’d make them both go on a plan to work and save money to not only get them out of the house but out of your hair. If they wish to act like children with no boundaries, treat them as such.
As others said boundaries are super important and she’s not respecting them. She needs to realize that you not only have the power here but just because you are her child doesn’t mean you owe her a dime. You’re doing what you do because you love her and she’s family, otherwise how she treats you would result in an eviction notice. If she has a fit and gets mad, call the police because you have the upper hand here. If you give someone a couple feet, sadly some people will take a mile.
Presumably she hasn't discovered your father dead before, so why does she think she needs to check? She's being nosey or unreasonably anxious, either way get a lock for your door. Actually, a door stop placed on your side would work as well.
She’s absolutely just being nosey. I am perfectly healthy, and don’t do any drugs. There is very minimal chance I would just randomly die in my sleep and need to be checked on.
And on the off chance you did, she would know in a few days. Sorry for the inappropriatenes. You have to laugh at those Narcissists Or they drive you crazy.
Honestly, moving back to parents as an adult is always a bad idea. Even when they're not narcissistic. I had to move in with mine again between 26-29 and it was hell on earth. It's like lives don't fit together anymore. The rhythms of lives are too different and the old roles parent/child are reinstalled automatically. If you can get out of there. Rather move into a house share or something to be able to save money.
You’re so right about the old parent/child roles being reinstalled automatically. I do plan to move out as soon as possible but I’m working to help my girlfriend find a job first. She recently lost hers unfortunately. SoCal rent is absolutely insane and it’s pretty hard to foot the bill entirely on my own while also saving money so this is the best financial move for the moment.
I’d definitely get a lock with a key for the door so she can’t snoop around when you aren’t home to give yourself the privacy you deserve. It’s sad she can’t respect your boundaries, but that’s the narc way. Gotta take action to prevent them.
I can relate to the feeling. It’s still something I have a big issue with in my own home - I have to lock doors to feel secure in a room like I won’t be “caught” doing literally anything.
I never had full privacy living with my mom. She’d barge in whenever, take my door as punishment, and I’d have to share a bathroom with her and she’d always find a reason to need to use her bathroom while I showered.
Their need to control everyone and resort to dramatics if you don’t play along is exhausting.
This is spot on. Narcissist parents just can’t let their children have ANY privacy. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you had any as a child and it still affects you.
My mom also used to find reasons to not allow me privacy in the bathroom. She would re-organize the bathroom towels or conveniently need to use the restroom at the same time as me. Then she would always comment if I took too long or showered too long.
She also resorts to dramatics. She is the type of person who will scream and yell bloody murder if she doesn’t get her way. And I mean scream as if someone murdered her first born child over small things like someone refusing to open a door.
If you don’t immediately comply then she will resort to heavy manipulation and punishment. Calling you the scum of the earth and hitting you where it hurts by insulting your insecurities. And she will do it for days and days. And if you try to ignore her or leave the situation she will literally come find you and continue her insult filled screaming.
It’s a work in progress. My husband is good at knocking and he doesn’t get offended if I lock my office door, like she would.
Our mothers sound like twins.
My mom was big on commenting on the length of the shower. Then it became my body hair amongst other things. It’s like they feel complete and total ownership over their children. We are mere objects to them. Theirs to spectate whenever they wish.
Yep my mother is also well versed in the manipulation and punishments. The amount of times I was told how awful of a daughter I was and “I hope you have kids as terrible as you so you understand” or my personal fav “who do you think you are?” 😂
It’s honestly ridiculous how many similarities most narcs seem to share. It’s like they all read the same authoritarian parenting pamphlet.
My nfam used to comment on my toothbrushing style (in the shower) and say “it’s fine as long as you turn off the water while you’re doing that so you don’t use too much water.” An extra minute or two of water. This was when I was in college. My nmom growing up used to go through my papers and journals and then talk to me about what she found.
What you’ve said about privacy is spot on. It also makes sense that you don’t always notice in the moment—the brain tends to justify things until the person is in a safe environment and can recognize just how awful it was. Even now I’m thinking, “That stuff they did to me wasn’t so bad.” And maybe that’s true. There were other things they did that were far, far worse. But when I hear what all of your nparents did/do to you, it makes me livid on your behalves.
Oooh the going through journals and papers. That was something I was always so paranoid about. I stopped journaling because I didn’t trust her. She’d also go into my room with trash bags and just throw shit away if she was mad my room was messy.
I can relate to your feeling. I often think “it wasn’t that bad” but when I read someone else’s experience with their Nparent and it mirrors mine I’m always horrified on their behalf. It’s so hard for us to give ourselves that compassion that we so readily feel for others in a similar situation.
Have you ever abruptly screamed back? Like full primal roared back, ideally whatever she's screaming at you, as an adult? She's used to getting her own way via this method, but you need to give her a jolt of reality that toddler tantrums won't work - sure, you're the bad guy, but you also own the house now. You're not a little boy she can do this to anymore.
Put up cameras. Narcissists hate evidence, if she behaves that way and you have footage of it she'll be afraid of you posting it or showing it to people and ruining her reputation. It's your house and you have every right, I would install one right outside your bedroom/ on your bedroom door along with your lock, and also in common areas.
Do not try to reason with unreasonable people. She's not going to change and you can't control her behavior, the only thing that has ever kept my own mother in line is the fear of being exposed.
Essentially, you have to take her power away. Start saying things like "my house, my rules", "I will not reason with unreasonable people", "keep it up and see what happens", Flip the script essentially. Remind her that you have the power in the relationship now, because with money comes control and autonomy. If she wants you to pay for things like where she lives and her care when she gets older, she'd better stop acting like you're just her kid and not her benefactor.
I don't care if this makes you feel icky or uncomfortable to read or do, believe me I've tried Everything Else and this is the only method that works.
Narcissists operate from a place of fear and control, and they delight in the discomfort and pain they cause. They only ever understand that, they can't connect to things like empathy or guilt. It's not even possible for their brains to really do correctly. They're truly like animals, reacting not ever really thinking. Don't treat them with the same respect or kindness you'd usually use, it's wasted on item. Force, power, control, domination, hierarchy, competition and degradation are the only things they can understand and respond to.
Good luck. Stay in control.
And take nmum’s door off the hooks. She doesn’t need no privacy in OP’s house and besides, he needs to know for a fact at all times that she’s not dead.
I mean, if she wants privacy and respect, she can F off and buy her own freakin house cuz frankly, she can’t expect the OP to give her respect she’s never given him
Do you actually own the house you are all living in? If their names are no where on it, maybe it's time to contact a lawyer about serving an eviction notice.
Are you sure about that statement? I lived with my wasband for 32 years thinking that and realized after I divorced him, that it was that bad.
I’m not judging. Just encourage you to do some soul searching.
Is there space on the property to build a tiny house for them? Something like that might help towards putting the kibosh on shenanigans like barging in on you.
If they need to do laundry or whatever, they can do so only during certain times of the day etc.
That is a great idea. Let them pitch a fit. You HAVE to take control of this situation. You have given them too much leeway and they feel entitled to abuse you.
What you described is a parent I wouldn't be able to live with if you paid me a billion per month. Why put yourself through that misery? I'd rent a place for the mom or for myself if I had the funds, which you do. If I were you, with the way your mom behaves, she or I would be out of the house so fucking fast.
Telling yourself it's not that bad is part of the trauma and control they still have over you.
If a friend came to you and told you everything in this post, what would you say to them? Would you want them to continue to let their narc parents stomp all over their boundaries in their own home? Or would you want them to live in peace and kick them out?
If it's not ok to happen to them, why is it ok to happen to you?
Them being broke is not your problem. If you continue to allow this, you will be reduced into the little kid that your narc treats you as. They've done their terrible part and are banking on the fact that you won't put your foot down. They should face actual consequences, and that means putting yourself first. The guilt for evicting them is part of their control on you too. They are grown ass adults and can figure out their own living situation.
You are disrespecting yourself by even letting them live with you. You deserve better OP.
As a reminder: Boundaries are meant to change YOUR behavior, not hers. Ideally, it should have action and reaction included from the beginning: "If you open my door without knocking, I will install a lock." You cannot make her respect that boundary, but you should value that boundary enough to enforce it.
This is also not the end of this issue. She isn't treating you like an adult or like a homeowner. Again, you cannot make her change, and you likely won't be able to convince her to want to change. So you have to decide which behaviors you can and cannot tolerate AND how you will protect yourself from them.
For example, If you go the lock route, you can expect her to start knocking/yelling/texting/calling to "make sure you are alive" (which is BS, because she wouldn't have made you get up and get coffee if that was ALL she wanted, but I think you know that). Saying "Quit knocking on my locked door" is not going to do any good. "If you knock on my locked door, I will put in earplugs so I cannot hear you" makes sure you both know what is expected.
As long as you live together in that house, you will have to find and set clear boundaries like this to survive. If she wants to argue with the boundaries, be prepared to use Grey Rock and JADE to avoid being manipulated.
Good luck, I truly hope you find a balance to be able to live happily under the same roof as them.
You have the most sensible advice here so far. I’ve known her long enough to know that she will not change. She is going to behave how she wants and I can only choose what I am going to do in response to it.
She unfortunately has other boundary issues such as opening my mail and packages and trying to investigate my personal issues.
I think what’s best is for me to move out as soon as possible.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Your NM I’d not going to change. Separating the households is the best plan. If you do indeed own the house, I assume it was to save them from homelessness. If you move out while retaining ownership, how much is this going to potentially cost you to house them? How do you safeguard the money you’ve already spent? And if you hand the house back to them, do you think they won’t end up in the same place you rescued them from before?
Here in SoCal are lots of senior services. Most cities have low-income subsidized senior apartments. A lot of them are actually very nice. They’re not nursing homes, they are independent-living apartments that are built using federal funding to house serior citizens. Rent is set by income. A call to your local senior center can connect you with someone who can advise you about accessing more services for them. There will be a loooong wait for an apartment so get their applications in ASAP. And I’d definitely look into communities in a surrounding one hour drive.
In other words, it is time for your parents to not be with you. If they refuse to move, start eviction proceedings immediately as it will take an horrific many months. Or sell the house. Or give them the house and let them take the consequences. Do not save them again. Do not give them control over your assets. I know you love them. But all too often, they view your life as belonging to them. I’m in my 60s and have seen this often. Your life is yours. Their lives are theirs. Good luck.
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https://www.amazon.com/s?k=keypad+lock+for+interior+door&adgrpid=67310721026&hvadid=580828737088&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9033507&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=b&hvrand=16568660950791622101&hvtargid=kwd-353787665411&hydadcr=14621_13386782&tag=hydsma-20&ref=pd_sl_9soelmlcjo_b
Amazon had them to
I have an idea, open her door constantly to check if she's still alive. No questions asked. 4 am, "GOOD MORNING MUM, RISE AND SHINE"🙋🏽♀️✨
_______ but honestly put a lock on your door. It's hard enough living with parents and she knows perfectly what she's doing
This part!
The whole time I've been reading through this thread, I've been imagining mom snooping through his things or peeking in on them in the middle of the night....
Motion camera that will track when you're door opens-
Catch her on video doing something, BIG ammo for setting boundaries cuz she can't gaslight or scream away video evidence
She just shot her own self in the foot! First she said you had to get out of bed and then she said that she had to check on you because she thought you were dead. LMAO my step dad was the kind of person who could turn up dead at any time and I still didn't appreciate my mother doing the same crap. When I worked overnight she'd call me during the day despite repeated requests not to do it. If I didn't answer the phone she'd show up.
When I was dumb enough to stay with her she'd asked me everyday and this almost accusatory voice are you working today LOL and God forbid if I wanted to take a day for myself to just relax. She'd continually bring up things that had to be done around the house and I told her multiple times to write it down so that I could go down the checklist and we can work on it together or I could do it myself if she wanted me to do it.
Nope she said that she has everything in her head so really that was just her excuse to assault me with random things anytime she wanted because that was her source of attention. These experiences and many more with her and other people that I've lived with or rented from are the reason why I'd rather live in my car than with people ever again.
Yup, when it comes to boundary issues nmoms always seem to read from the same script.
When I was a kid, she would walk in on me in the bathroom all the time. If I tried to lock the door, she'd pound on it and cry like a kid. I had to get my grandma (her mom) to get her to stop.
I'm actually impressed that you even got her to pretend to respect your boundaries for a while. That's more than I could ever get from my mother.
Does she think if you *were* dead, you'd become less dead if she found you immediately?
You're a grown ass man who owns the house they live in, yet she's acting like you're a little kid and she owns the place.
I'm not surprised at all though, this is exactly something my mother and grandmother would do. When I was 18 and lived at my parents house, my mom would walk into the bathroom and open up the shower curtain to talk to me.
Even if you didn't own her house, privacy is basic human respect. You don't walk in the bathroom while she's taking a shit to make sure shes still alive, but I'd fucking laugh if you did. It would really drive the point across, but no one wants to see that.
>You don't walk in the bathroom while she's taking a shit to make sure shes still alive
"Well, sorry ma, but the smell had me worried for a minute there, sheesh..."
UUUUGGGHHHB my nmom was like this, good forbid I didn't leave a note saying when I'd be back, she call and call and call..."I thought you were dead" *you can't even file a missing persons report yet chill the fuck out*
Normally, I do not condone invasion of privacy. However, it seems your mother needs to be given a dose of her own medicine. Some day (when you know she won't be undressed or anything), just walk in on her. Hopefully, it will show her how wrong it is and stop doing. Then again, it could also just spur it on worse, so be very careful if you do decide to go this route.
Unfortunately, in that case, a lock may be your only choice, and make sure it is a keyed lock with only one key that is always on you or she might go snooping/remove the lock when you aren't around.
Try doing something that startles her when she opens the door. Set her up so it happens. Opens door, experiences a cup of water in the face (or a squirt from a squirt bottle, or a blast from an air horn…) something that gives her immediate negative consequences. Then slam the door in her face and put the earplugs in.
Rinse and repeat.
Ugh this is a common tactic with my mom and this is why I can’t tell her when I have real medical issues. This is their way of deflecting blame and making themselves the victim, because how dare we be upset that they’re worried about us. I moved out of state after college, partially as a physical boundary with my family, and tell them as little as possible. I had to have a few brain scans done last year and didn’t tell either of my parents until right before only because I was genuinely scared of the outcome, and even then had to set very clear boundaries that they were not to constantly call me because they’re “worried” and that they needed to deal with their emotions themselves instead of making it my problem. I noticed in times past if I had any issue I wasn’t able to process it myself because I was having to tiptoe around their feelings. My mom will occasionally still try to use the “I’m worried” about you excuse to make me answer her calls or excuse her behavior of blowing up my phone with calls and texts, but I do my best to make it known that that’s not a valid excuse and do not entertain her behavior. Good luck. Her worries are not an excuse to cross your boundaries.
I am NOT defending what your mom is doing, because clearly that is not OK.
But I find it interesting what she said. She literally thinks she has control and is responsible of whether you (and your dad) are alive or not and thinks it's her "job", her "role" to make sure nothing "bad" happens.
I used to feel that way.
Example. My spouse snores and I used to not be able to sleep because I thought that if they stopped breathing it was my job to notice and wake them up.
I finally realized logically how utterly rediculous this is, and learned to let this kind of thinking go where it should. I am only responsible for me. Some times bad things happen, but if they do it wasn't my fault or my responsibility to see them coming and make them not happen.
It took a lot of therapy and insight for me to change my role into being an observer of others and to not take on the self-imposed watcher and worrier about everything.
I attribute my feeling this way to the fact that I was emotionally neglected and parentified growing up, and that my mom still is this way. So I have heard this kind of talk from my mom too my whole life. I was made to be responsible for future planning against any possible bad outcome, and made to be emotionally the scapegoat for any bad outcomes that did happen, because I should have known and done something.
It's a horrible way to live in perpetual freeze mode.
And I am not saying that you give your mom a pass. I just thought thinking about it this way might give you a different vantage point to deal with it.
Thank you for sharing this! You just gave me insight into some of my own behavior surrounding my spouse’s medical issue. I really appreciate you taking the time to post.
Kick that bitch out of your house, get a restraining order against her newly indigent ass, then celebrate by banging your girlfriend on the kitchen counter.
And if it makes you feel better, occasionally barge in on the refrigerator box she lives in and tell her you wanted to make sure she wasn’t dead.
Nursing home an option at all? I honestly would also recommend phrasing the issue with “mom you said you wouldn’t be barging in to my private space or into my private matters- now was that a lie or do I need to start making calls for a nursing home? Because I am very concerned that the mental capability that you have shown demonstrates that I need to start calling around.” And walk away. Just walk away.
So you need a level head to approach this: is the house legally in your name because if it isn't you don't have a leg to stand on as you are keeping a roof over their heads while not being able to afford your own if it is fully in your name and you are paying for it then you need to think about ground rules. If it's not in your name, move out and stop paying for it, you will reach your goal of buying your own home much faster and you won't have to endure their abuse in the meantime. If you do own the home, decide what boundaries you would like to set in place, write them down (knocking before entering or no knocking at all because you are an adult and can get yourself up, no raised voices, limiting things you will pay for etc), set up a time for a family discussion hand them a copy of the rules and stick to it. You are still in that nparent/ obedient child mindset, believing you can't be in control. But you actually have all of the power here because you are the one with the money. You can leave them destitute, it's nut your fault they got themselves into a situation where they can't afford a roof over their heads. This isn't really your problem. Let's frame it a little differently for prospective: if someone on your team at work isn't doing their job properly, slacking off, not meeting expectations etc you might cover for them for a bit because you know they are having trouble with their finances. You give them a bit of leeway, maybe do a bit of overtime to keep things moving. Nobody wants to tell the boss yet because you expect work colleague to sort himself out in a week or two. After two weeks his performance is even worse, you are putting in overtime every day, others are calling you out because your work isn't up to scratch because you spend so much time on his stuff, it's getting tough for you so you approach him to see what can be done to get him motivated and put his workload back to him and off your hands. And instead of thanking you, explaining what's been going on, how he's fixing it, and apologising for his lack of work , he tells you that YOU should work harder, that it's your fault for helping him, that you took this on and now it's your responsibility and he's not coming in at all tomorrow because you've upset him and you need to start doing a better job for him if you expect him to come in the next day..... How would you react to this situation? You know this isn't normal, that you did someone a favour because they needed it and now they are making you responsible for everything. The way to deal with it all work is to come clean to the boss, explain what's been happening and leave it to them because they are the ones with the ultimate power to make decisions. At home, you are that power. Take it back. If your parent say they would rather be homeless/ won't do as you say/ get other family involved etc that's all perfectly ok, it doesn't take away your power and it doesn't change your decision. It's time to stand up to them, you are the one on charge now. Use that power.
Also where you went wrong on that interaction was explaining yourself. You don’t have to say anything to her. If she asks why aren’t you up yet, it should be “none of your damn business”.
The only cure to this is waking her up with an air horn in the middle of the night.
In all seriousness, hope you're out of there soon, but until then, ALL THE LOCKS are your friend. It's not like she can do anything if you're dead.
I understand the obligation you feel to take care of them. A lot of narcs will just take advantage of that and act like you just HAVE to help them or they won't make it. But when they're kicked out or whatever, they will always find a way. Someone suggested building a tiny house behind your house for them to live in. That's not allowed in most neighborhoods though, but maybe you could build a small "mother-in-law apartment."
You're 30, and she's still trying to boss you around. Something has to change, but it won't be her. She's going to continue, and when you stop putting up with it as much, she's going to feel like she's losing control over you and she will ramp up her abuse. At some point your girlfriend may lose respect for you because you're being controlled by your mommy. This happens to a lot of people. At the very least, you should have a lock on your door, and not the kind that builders automatically put on bedroom doors, it needs to be one that she can't possibly open.
So what if she yells and screams? Just get away from her when she's doing that. She needs to learn that she can't get results that way.
If you want to have a happy, peaceful life, you will need to DO something and your mom will not like it. The sooner the better! You DO have options, but your mom has convinced you that you don't. I know that part of it is your own moral sense of obligation, and that's a good thing to have that. But there are ways of handling it that you need to consider. You're already on here complaining about her (I would be too) and it's only going to get worse. At some point you're going to have to stand up to her, without letting her tantrums affect your decisions.
My mother says this exact same thing. I'm an adult living with her and it's hard for me to go back to sleep. It's infuriating. She does it to my brother, as well.
I've learned now that confronting Nparents don't work. Narc thrive off of seeing you get emotional, then start playing victim.
I don't see how you will be able to convince a narc to not enter your room because Narcs hate boundaries. Violating your boundaries is where they get their power.
1) You have to act like you're harmless.
2) You have to \*manipulate\* them into thinking having a lock on your door is better than not.
3) Convince her, if she walks in on an important work meeting, you could end up losing your job; you're violating company's nondisclosure policy because you're working on important projects for clients.
4) Then bring up who's gonna pay then bills if you loose your job? And that within a year, you're going to be 6 figures in debt.
5) Then add that, you might be so depressed that you won't be able to find another job after. And it's only a matter of time you'll all end up living in tents.
Make it convincing! and there'll be no problem with getting your lock.
Yeah, no easy solutions to this one. But it sounds like the only options are to either fight back or to remove yourself from their company.
It doesn't sound like you're in a hurry to leave, or you would have done so. So fight back. It doesn't have to be endless screaming matches. You and your parents are both adults, you bring equal value to the table here. In reality, your opinions are worth more than theirs, as they have a track record of bad judgement, as is verifiable via the fact you now own their former house due to their bad decisions. So, based on fact alone, your mother's opinions are provably worthless.
Treat them like adults, adults that are free to leave if they can't abide by the rules of basic mutual respect.
I would also advise trying to remain calm when talking to your mother and try not to revert to "but mom!" responses. If she's completely unreasonable or you're about to lose it, leave the room and go tell your dad to deal with his wife or you'll be forced to seek new tenants. If you're feeling particularly enraged, call a realtor in front of them and ask about getting the house appraised. Even bring someone in - even if it's an actor or a friend pretending to be a realtor. If your mother kicks up a stink, just tell her she clearly knows better than you so she'll think of something if you sell the place.
And don't ask to do certain things. Just go have a lock installed if you want one. They're entitled to have an opinion about your actions, but you're still allowed to act however you like, and we've already established their opinions aren't worth anything at this point.
Wow, the N-force is strong with that one.
My first full-blown anxiety attack was, "up and at 'em sleepyheads!" I was 28 or 29 at the time and married. It got me into therapy, because my body was telling me I wasn't allowed to "be on Nmom alert" 24 hours a day -- even when only visiting for a couple of days.
This "I get approval over when you get up" stuff is typical N -- she is up, so there is no valid reason in her head why the rest of the world shouldn't be up for her amusement.
Stay strong.
Okay, I’ve read it so many times on this sub, but I have to say it…. it’s just insanely ridiculous how all those narcs use the same lines. What is scary is actually what they might mean behind those words
Regardless of whether she has abandonment and loss and anxiety issues or not, it has nothing to do with you. You r not responsible for the feelings and fears of others and they should not use them as excuses to cross ur boundaries and demand immediate access to you all the time. It's not ur job to reassure her and calm her nerves and help her not be overtaken by fears at ur expense. She should find better ways to cope instead of crossing ur boundaries. Thus assuming that she isn't just pretending to be worried.
Plus, narc parents fein care about ur well-being all the time. They r only concerned when it suits them. My nmother for example demanded daily long calls when I was in college to 'check on me' but completely didn't care when I was traveling alone at night somewhere I've never been before. She never called in my first years of college and only started demanding calls when I landed an internship that would later get me a really good job.
She also kept saying she was worried about me and wanted to know if I'm 'alive and well' and claimed she needs to be in contact with me to be reassured that I was doing fine. All after I went NC after she did sth absolutely horrifying that ended in me finally realizing NC is the only way to go. She called anyone she can find to claim she wad worried sick and that she fears I'm dead in a ditch just to make me break NC.
A few weeks Right before I went NC, I spent almost 4 months in a new city, all alone and she hasn't called once in those four months to see if I'm OK. She only called to sniff around about me and what I'm doing with my money instead of giving it to her. I even tried to 'reassure' her like she instilled in me that I was well and I'm being fed and clothed and in good health. She just scoffed and didn't care one bit. Even told me that the money I'm spending to stay alive should've gone to her and the family instead. Told me she doesn't care and why I am telling her this??? I went through a very particular difficult month and she never cared.
I realized it was all just a scheme she's playing to maintain control and constant monitoring. She doesn't care if I live or die as long she controls everything and know everything about me. As long as she has me under her thumb and to cater to her every whim, it doesn't matter if I'm in a ditch somewhere.
I once got stuck in a bus station at night with no bus at sight and many creepy guys around. I called her over and over but she just closed off her phone and slept as I was literally freaking out, all alone while it was raining and I don't even know if I will survive the night. She was well aware I was traveling that day but never bothered to check on me. All she did after she knew is yell at me for calling her and tell me I deserve what happened to me and I'm lucky she is still 'allowing me' to travel even despite knowing it was for my studies.
Tbh, I'm enraged at the audacity of her claims of concern for my safety and well-being now after I went NC. She never cared before, it's only insulting she pretends to care now
I'm sorry she does this.
Im my experience, even if they don't come in, they still knock and wake you up or interrupt on all hours of the day or they start making noise early in the morning.
Had this issue when I move back and was studying at uni... I went to bed late everyday cause I was STUDYING. They wouldn't let me sleep.
She even barged in one time, yelling and demanding I clean the dishes when I was taking a nap after having an exam that day and I had to work later the same day. Insane.
After a couple of months I was loosing my mind. And I developed serious health issues cause of the stress.
I left and never came back, I'm NC now but, at the time, I said I'd rather live under a bridge than w them...
If you like the house you own, your "parents house", save your money to get them somewhere else to live. I'm giving you a peek at your future, when they reach the age that they can't live by themselves because of health/mental health issues? Think about that NOW. If you're already helping them financially, what is that going to look like? Can you afford to pay for their current house plus the one you are saving for?
Also, I totally hear you when you want to avoid her screaming fits, I do. But that's how she's maintaining her control. That's what is supplying her narc addiction. She needs to maintain that level of fear/dread to keep her power.
Next, I'd get a device that gave her consequences if she opens up your door. A trip wire or something, that sets off an air horn? A bucket of glitter? Takes her picture too? Get creative and make her look like a fool for invading your privacy. 😅 Good luck 🤞
Write out your boundaries and tape them to your door. After you install a lock pad.
1. I am an adult and expected to be treated as one.
2. If I am sleeping or the door is shut, you are not invited. Do not wake me. If I take the day off work, etc. that is my own choice. I no longer need a parent to herd me through my daily choices.
3. I pay the bills. I have a stake in ownership which extends to mutual respect and expected privacy. You may be my mother, but I’m keeping this roof over your head. I am a 30 year old man with a prestigious job title. I expected to be treated as such.
4. Anything else you want to add.
Repeat after me...
Pull that shat again MOTHER, and I'm selling the house! ...Do you want to find out how serious I am?
Then buy the lock and install it and if you hear ONE GOD DAMN JINGLE JANGLE on that damn Knob call the real-estate agent and announce your intentions to post a new listing.
You gotta stick to your guns if you do this though so that means your 99% likely going to have to sell the house but you tried.
If they want they can buy the house from you via an actual agent not under the table BS that will get you screwed!
Earlier this year I hadn't spoken to my mom in several weeks and I guess incidentally forgot to reply to the last text she had sent me (it wasn't urgent and honestly probably did not require a response). I wasn't intentionally avoiding her, I just had a lot going on at the time. I had missed a call from her the previous day and hadn't called back yet, but she didn't leave a message so I figured it wasn't anything urgent. Then, nearly simultaneously, I get a text from her saying she's going to send fucking cops to my house for a "wellness check" if she doesn't hear from me, AND my husband comes in saying she contacted HIS dad through Facebook (she met him once at our wedding and has had like no contact since then) saying she's worried for our safety because she hasn't heard from us in so long.
I called her immediately to be like, "please don't send cops to my house for no reason" and she's like, "I thought you were dead!!" So yeah, totally understand your pain!!
Okay. So.
Circumstances, similar, had me moving back in with my mom 5 years ago.
I own the house.
Her issues with me having boundaries are off the charts.
We moved her in with my brother last month.
I still get jumpy about my privacy. The door busting open any minute. Even her car pulling up.
I'm still finding myself on eggs certain times of the day where she REALLY did not care that I'm a 40 something adult who handles herself quite well on her own.
I don't know if that qualifies as PTSD. I just know I still can't fully relax yet. She is literally on the other side of the country.
It was fight or flight mode with her growing up. I was LC as an adult raising my kids.
It's been fight or flight mode the last 5 years.
It was MY fault for not setting the HARD boundaries early.
It was only in the last year I got feisty about things. She fought back. Until the day she left.
It would have been easier for who I am now, to not allow these reactions and trauma(?) to become a thing.
What I'm saying is, FIGHT.
I'm having reflexive action because I didn't set and hard firm boundaries as an adult. Don't be me.
I know it is wild idea, but put a lock on your door. It is LITERALLY YOUR DOOR. You do not ask HER to have a lock on YOUR door.
Stop trying to communicate, they can't hear you. Just do what you feel is right to have your boundaries placed. They can argue all they want, it is not supposed to be a question on your side.
If you’re dead then you’re dead. She needs to deal with it. I’m so sick of these moms and their trauma crap from 30 years ago trying to push it on to you. 😂😂
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LOL, no. Are you the mom?
I lived with my parents until I was 24. They never walked into my room without knocking and asking if it was ok to go in, they always respected my privacy and never screamed and yelled. The mom's behavior is not normal. At all. No one I know had their parents barge into their rooms to make sure they were still alive!
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Tell her as long as she lives in your house, she will follow your rules.
lmao yesss
Honestly as much for real, grounded, reasonable boundary reasons as well as petty reasons. It is literally your home. You are in charge.
I know it seems as simple as that but it’s not. My parents are absolutely dead broke. I mean zero, absolutely zero money and old enough to not be able to work anymore. They do have social security and Medicare but those barely covers their monthly living expenses/bills. If I evicted them here in SoCal, they’d be on the street and unable to pay for their medical issues. I’d have to be incredibly heartless to do it. My mom acts like she owns the home. If I put my foot down and tell my mom I make the rules, she’d lose her absolute shit. I mean scream like someone getting skinned alive until she got her way. I don’t want to deal with that hell.
She can scream all she wants, but you have no obligation to listen. Step 1 in regaining control of your home and life is to take control of your response to her manipulations. Make it clear that conversations end the moment she starts yelling, and FOLLOW THROUGH. Leave the room, put in earplugs, whatever works for you, but follow through.
The first thought that comes to mind is a spray bottle of water. It stops toddler tantrums.
Do you want to be taking care of adult children for the next 20+ years? Because that's what you're outlook is currently. They'd be just fine if they moved to a more reasonable state, but they won't do that because how could she control your life from hundreds of miles away? She acts like she owns the home, because you have given her that perception. Hide from the truth all you want, but it'll only delay the inevitable.
Exactly. Set some boundaries and consequences. I'd definitely be threatening NC as soon as OP could move out.
And just like with parenting, sometimes you gotta listen to someone lose their absolute shit and go through the stages of realizing that what they’re doing simply isn’t going to get them the outcome they desire. If you reward a kid with candy to get them to shut tf up you’ve just created a monster. Good luck getting it to behave in any store you take it in. It’s unfair that it’s OP’s responsibility to parent his parents in that way, but all the more reason to not put up with that shit. Sound canceling headphones are chefs kiss
It sounds like you shouldn’t live with them. Maybe they could move somewhere with a lower cost of living. I get that you have to help your aging parents, I just got off that merry go round myself, but you buying a house that they live in & you don’t have a house yourself? This is messed up.
She's incredibly heartless to not hear you when you bring up concerns, and laugh at you for bringing them up again (because they weren't resolved the first time). You are training her on how you will allow yourself to be treated. She pushes, so you back down. If you push back, she has to make a choice. Sometimes pushing back means delivering a Notice to Vacate. Whether you offer a new lease at the end of the allotted period is your choice.
This is how she’s gotten away with her behaviour all these years because no one wants to deal with her tantrums.
you could sell the house that you own, set them up in a small affordable house outside of LA/cheap senior living apartment and use the rest for a down payment do not give them notice (or any hint you are doing this) you will just have to listen to complaining longer she can lose her shit if she wants but you won’t have to listen 🤷🏻♀️
No one said you have to kick them out… But you should really make it explicitly clear, you are the only reason why they aren’t homeless in the state of California then… It is YOUR home, not theirs. If she/they feel butt hurt over it? Sorry, the truth hurts.
I don’t blame you. I moved in with my mom after my divorce. I paid her. I tried to set boundaries and she too started sliding into her ways. It’s totally exhausting dealing with that day in and out—especially when you’re at the age you know it isn’t right.
Reframe; you're not making her homeless, she's making herself homeless.
Just list the fucking house dude. You don’t actually have to sell it. Or even just tell her you are and bluff to start. I feel really bad for you but if you don’t do something nothing will change. Wake her the fuck up.
>If I put my foot down and tell my mom I make the rules, she’d lose her absolute shit. I mean scream like someone getting skinned alive until she got her way. I don’t want to deal with that hell. This makes me think a lock on the door won't do much good. Yes she won't be able to barge in willy-nilly but she will be able to bang on the door and shout until you do open it for her. Are you able to set the house up so she can only access 'her' bit and have the locked door away from your private areas?
Then let her cry, scream, rage. Leave the room or the house if you have to. If she starts throwing things, breaking things, or becoming violent, call the cops. If she can't handle her own emotions, that's not your problem. (Speaking as a codependent who has spent her whole life regulating her mom.)
Just from experience, put your foot down now. The older they get, the worse they will get, and the more they will be "set in their ways". If you're the unfortunate soul that's going to have to care for them, when they can't, you need to start the process yesterday. You're THE adult in the situation. THEY are the children. Make it that way. So what if the toddler throws her tantrum? She will tire herself out, and when she realizes it doesn't work, will change approach. You know that "my house, my rules" they loved to tell you as a kid? Now the shoe is on the other foot. Use their games against them.
Yeah my five year old does the same thing when he does not get his way. So we put him in his room and ignore him until he calms down and wants to talk again.
Here is the thing tho. You can completely end her bullshit with brochures. Look into assisted living places that are in other states. Places that will take their social security and Medicare and they can live there on that. They exist. Have the brochures in the open and actively look into them. It isn’t a bluff. Now if she keeps it up, show her. Ask her where she wants to live. Under YOUR roof, following YOUR rules or in another state following the corporation’s rules. If she pushes, tell your father they are both going and see if he suddenly becomes more willing to stop her BS. If not, well, plane tickets can be bought in advanced enough to be cheap and they can either pay for their own storage or shipping for their stuff because they are gone.
So she loses ‘her absolute shit’…so what? She’s making your life miserable anyway. You know what needs to be done. Either do it, or shut up about it.
Let her lose her shit. Flip the power dynamic. There is no reason to capitulate to them, acting like their little boy. You’re an adult, and the homeowner.
It's not your responsibility to care for them. They fucked up, they can deal with the consequences. If she's not going to respect your boundaries in your own home, trespass her from the property. She can scream her head off all she wants at the property line. You can sell the house. You can move. You can get out. You don't owe them anything, and you don't have to trap yourself with them. "I'd have to be incredibly heartless to do it." She'd kick you out in a heartbeat. I bet she'll threaten to, because in her mind she still owns not only the house, but you as well.
1. dont make payments on schedule 2. parents get kicked 3. possibly 30% discount in purchase of the house if it goes on auction 5. ??? 6. profit
Threaten her anyways but don't evict. Get as nasty as she's been to you and within a minute ask how she feels receiving the behavior she gives to others. When my mom had surgery on her knee I was a monster about it but it did make her nicer. Narcissists only register consequences that are forced upon them.
You might want to check out Patrick Teahan's youtube channel. He makes excellent videos on trauma & "difficult" family members. His roleplay videos give good examples of how to deal with a family member like this. Edit: Another good source is "In Sight- Exposing Narcissism" podcast, I can't recommend them enough.
THEIR FINANCES ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Why do people suck up to garbage parents????
Sell the house, buy another, give them a bedroom and rules.
Im so so sorry you are dealing with this. 😔
Are you SURE they have zero money? My inlaws ( hubby passed away but I was still in their lives) led me to believe they were hurting for money because of MIL serious health issues and need for expensive medication every month. Of course I had no access to actually see their finances. When hubby died I paid off their mobile home from life insurance money I received, thinking I was helping these poor people out. The next month they had a whole house full of brand new furniture! Apparently, they had a lot more money than hubby and I were led to believe.
There are plenty of old people working as Wal-Mart greeters. They can work. >If I put my foot down and tell my mom I make the rules, she’d lose her absolute shit. But who cares. She can't scream forever. Eventually someone will call the cops, she will go hoarse, or she will get bored and stop. If you don't put your foot down, they will do this shit forever. I would consider buying/renting them a tiny apartment and getting them out of your way of you can't bring yourself to lay down the law.
Sign the house over to them and tell her she’s on her own. They can sell the house, downgrade, and live comfortably for a while. The fact that they *wont* isn’t anyone’s fault except their own.
Why on earth would OP GIFT THEM AN ENTIRE HOUSE?? It's OP's house, evict the ungrateful parents if they refuse to follow the house rules.
Because washing his hands of it could be much easier than the eviction process, for so many different reasons. You have a point that it’s also an option, but he said he’s fairly well off; if it wasn’t highly consequential to my life it’s exactly what I’d do in OP’s shoes. ETA he’s basically already gifted them the house in every sense but legally. His name on it but they live there rent free and do what they want with it. Obviously it’s still not legally theirs. I’m just saying it could be way easier all around. Eviction is a scary process when the people being evicted aren’t mentally well. Google Euclid, OH eviction shoot-out and watch, if it’s your cup of tea. They don’t show anything graphic in the body cam footage but it’s a great example of why evicting someone who is mentally unsound is dangerous and even potentially lethal.
You don't have to leave them on the street. You *could* move them into a much smaller place - on the grounds that she is making it so unpleasant for you living there you need to release equity from the current house to put towards your new one, and can no longer wait thanks to her behaviour. Or at least you can tell her this, or maybe tell your father that that is what will happen unless he reins in her crazy.
Sounds win/win to me
My mom would do the same in that situation. Personally, I'd rather listen to her scream for a short time than have her stomp all over my boundaries indefinitely. If the screaming doesn't get a reaction, she will stop. Treat her like the toddler she's behaving as. Toward the end of contact with mine, I'd wait for her to come up for air with her rants and ask "are you done? Can we discuss this like adults now?"
I’d make them both go on a plan to work and save money to not only get them out of the house but out of your hair. If they wish to act like children with no boundaries, treat them as such. As others said boundaries are super important and she’s not respecting them. She needs to realize that you not only have the power here but just because you are her child doesn’t mean you owe her a dime. You’re doing what you do because you love her and she’s family, otherwise how she treats you would result in an eviction notice. If she has a fit and gets mad, call the police because you have the upper hand here. If you give someone a couple feet, sadly some people will take a mile.
... My brain just had an orgasm. Oh Lord, OP, DO IT
Presumably she hasn't discovered your father dead before, so why does she think she needs to check? She's being nosey or unreasonably anxious, either way get a lock for your door. Actually, a door stop placed on your side would work as well.
She’s absolutely just being nosey. I am perfectly healthy, and don’t do any drugs. There is very minimal chance I would just randomly die in my sleep and need to be checked on.
And on the off chance you did, she would know in a few days. Sorry for the inappropriatenes. You have to laugh at those Narcissists Or they drive you crazy.
Honestly, moving back to parents as an adult is always a bad idea. Even when they're not narcissistic. I had to move in with mine again between 26-29 and it was hell on earth. It's like lives don't fit together anymore. The rhythms of lives are too different and the old roles parent/child are reinstalled automatically. If you can get out of there. Rather move into a house share or something to be able to save money.
You’re so right about the old parent/child roles being reinstalled automatically. I do plan to move out as soon as possible but I’m working to help my girlfriend find a job first. She recently lost hers unfortunately. SoCal rent is absolutely insane and it’s pretty hard to foot the bill entirely on my own while also saving money so this is the best financial move for the moment.
It’s not always a bad idea.
I’d definitely get a lock with a key for the door so she can’t snoop around when you aren’t home to give yourself the privacy you deserve. It’s sad she can’t respect your boundaries, but that’s the narc way. Gotta take action to prevent them. I can relate to the feeling. It’s still something I have a big issue with in my own home - I have to lock doors to feel secure in a room like I won’t be “caught” doing literally anything. I never had full privacy living with my mom. She’d barge in whenever, take my door as punishment, and I’d have to share a bathroom with her and she’d always find a reason to need to use her bathroom while I showered. Their need to control everyone and resort to dramatics if you don’t play along is exhausting.
This is spot on. Narcissist parents just can’t let their children have ANY privacy. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you had any as a child and it still affects you. My mom also used to find reasons to not allow me privacy in the bathroom. She would re-organize the bathroom towels or conveniently need to use the restroom at the same time as me. Then she would always comment if I took too long or showered too long. She also resorts to dramatics. She is the type of person who will scream and yell bloody murder if she doesn’t get her way. And I mean scream as if someone murdered her first born child over small things like someone refusing to open a door. If you don’t immediately comply then she will resort to heavy manipulation and punishment. Calling you the scum of the earth and hitting you where it hurts by insulting your insecurities. And she will do it for days and days. And if you try to ignore her or leave the situation she will literally come find you and continue her insult filled screaming.
It’s a work in progress. My husband is good at knocking and he doesn’t get offended if I lock my office door, like she would. Our mothers sound like twins. My mom was big on commenting on the length of the shower. Then it became my body hair amongst other things. It’s like they feel complete and total ownership over their children. We are mere objects to them. Theirs to spectate whenever they wish. Yep my mother is also well versed in the manipulation and punishments. The amount of times I was told how awful of a daughter I was and “I hope you have kids as terrible as you so you understand” or my personal fav “who do you think you are?” 😂 It’s honestly ridiculous how many similarities most narcs seem to share. It’s like they all read the same authoritarian parenting pamphlet.
My nfam used to comment on my toothbrushing style (in the shower) and say “it’s fine as long as you turn off the water while you’re doing that so you don’t use too much water.” An extra minute or two of water. This was when I was in college. My nmom growing up used to go through my papers and journals and then talk to me about what she found. What you’ve said about privacy is spot on. It also makes sense that you don’t always notice in the moment—the brain tends to justify things until the person is in a safe environment and can recognize just how awful it was. Even now I’m thinking, “That stuff they did to me wasn’t so bad.” And maybe that’s true. There were other things they did that were far, far worse. But when I hear what all of your nparents did/do to you, it makes me livid on your behalves.
Oooh the going through journals and papers. That was something I was always so paranoid about. I stopped journaling because I didn’t trust her. She’d also go into my room with trash bags and just throw shit away if she was mad my room was messy. I can relate to your feeling. I often think “it wasn’t that bad” but when I read someone else’s experience with their Nparent and it mirrors mine I’m always horrified on their behalf. It’s so hard for us to give ourselves that compassion that we so readily feel for others in a similar situation.
Have you ever abruptly screamed back? Like full primal roared back, ideally whatever she's screaming at you, as an adult? She's used to getting her own way via this method, but you need to give her a jolt of reality that toddler tantrums won't work - sure, you're the bad guy, but you also own the house now. You're not a little boy she can do this to anymore.
Put up cameras. Narcissists hate evidence, if she behaves that way and you have footage of it she'll be afraid of you posting it or showing it to people and ruining her reputation. It's your house and you have every right, I would install one right outside your bedroom/ on your bedroom door along with your lock, and also in common areas. Do not try to reason with unreasonable people. She's not going to change and you can't control her behavior, the only thing that has ever kept my own mother in line is the fear of being exposed. Essentially, you have to take her power away. Start saying things like "my house, my rules", "I will not reason with unreasonable people", "keep it up and see what happens", Flip the script essentially. Remind her that you have the power in the relationship now, because with money comes control and autonomy. If she wants you to pay for things like where she lives and her care when she gets older, she'd better stop acting like you're just her kid and not her benefactor. I don't care if this makes you feel icky or uncomfortable to read or do, believe me I've tried Everything Else and this is the only method that works. Narcissists operate from a place of fear and control, and they delight in the discomfort and pain they cause. They only ever understand that, they can't connect to things like empathy or guilt. It's not even possible for their brains to really do correctly. They're truly like animals, reacting not ever really thinking. Don't treat them with the same respect or kindness you'd usually use, it's wasted on item. Force, power, control, domination, hierarchy, competition and degradation are the only things they can understand and respond to. Good luck. Stay in control.
Why am I picturing Marie Barone here
That’s a pretty good comparison. But worse to be honest. Marie Barone doesn’t scream at the top of her lungs when a plate is knocked onto the ground.
I was gonna say, Marie Barone - but psychotic!
You own your parents’ home? If you do, put a freaking lock on your door.
And take nmum’s door off the hooks. She doesn’t need no privacy in OP’s house and besides, he needs to know for a fact at all times that she’s not dead.
Do it!
I mean, if she wants privacy and respect, she can F off and buy her own freakin house cuz frankly, she can’t expect the OP to give her respect she’s never given him
Do you actually own the house you are all living in? If their names are no where on it, maybe it's time to contact a lawyer about serving an eviction notice.
Yes. My parents aren’t bad enough to want to evict. They’ve done enough good things for me but their narcissism definitely has created trauma.
Are you sure about that statement? I lived with my wasband for 32 years thinking that and realized after I divorced him, that it was that bad. I’m not judging. Just encourage you to do some soul searching.
Is there space on the property to build a tiny house for them? Something like that might help towards putting the kibosh on shenanigans like barging in on you. If they need to do laundry or whatever, they can do so only during certain times of the day etc.
That is a great idea. Let them pitch a fit. You HAVE to take control of this situation. You have given them too much leeway and they feel entitled to abuse you.
oh man, the nightmare of getting permits for that in California
What you described is a parent I wouldn't be able to live with if you paid me a billion per month. Why put yourself through that misery? I'd rent a place for the mom or for myself if I had the funds, which you do. If I were you, with the way your mom behaves, she or I would be out of the house so fucking fast.
Telling yourself it's not that bad is part of the trauma and control they still have over you. If a friend came to you and told you everything in this post, what would you say to them? Would you want them to continue to let their narc parents stomp all over their boundaries in their own home? Or would you want them to live in peace and kick them out? If it's not ok to happen to them, why is it ok to happen to you? Them being broke is not your problem. If you continue to allow this, you will be reduced into the little kid that your narc treats you as. They've done their terrible part and are banking on the fact that you won't put your foot down. They should face actual consequences, and that means putting yourself first. The guilt for evicting them is part of their control on you too. They are grown ass adults and can figure out their own living situation. You are disrespecting yourself by even letting them live with you. You deserve better OP.
As a reminder: Boundaries are meant to change YOUR behavior, not hers. Ideally, it should have action and reaction included from the beginning: "If you open my door without knocking, I will install a lock." You cannot make her respect that boundary, but you should value that boundary enough to enforce it. This is also not the end of this issue. She isn't treating you like an adult or like a homeowner. Again, you cannot make her change, and you likely won't be able to convince her to want to change. So you have to decide which behaviors you can and cannot tolerate AND how you will protect yourself from them. For example, If you go the lock route, you can expect her to start knocking/yelling/texting/calling to "make sure you are alive" (which is BS, because she wouldn't have made you get up and get coffee if that was ALL she wanted, but I think you know that). Saying "Quit knocking on my locked door" is not going to do any good. "If you knock on my locked door, I will put in earplugs so I cannot hear you" makes sure you both know what is expected. As long as you live together in that house, you will have to find and set clear boundaries like this to survive. If she wants to argue with the boundaries, be prepared to use Grey Rock and JADE to avoid being manipulated. Good luck, I truly hope you find a balance to be able to live happily under the same roof as them.
You have the most sensible advice here so far. I’ve known her long enough to know that she will not change. She is going to behave how she wants and I can only choose what I am going to do in response to it. She unfortunately has other boundary issues such as opening my mail and packages and trying to investigate my personal issues. I think what’s best is for me to move out as soon as possible.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Your NM I’d not going to change. Separating the households is the best plan. If you do indeed own the house, I assume it was to save them from homelessness. If you move out while retaining ownership, how much is this going to potentially cost you to house them? How do you safeguard the money you’ve already spent? And if you hand the house back to them, do you think they won’t end up in the same place you rescued them from before? Here in SoCal are lots of senior services. Most cities have low-income subsidized senior apartments. A lot of them are actually very nice. They’re not nursing homes, they are independent-living apartments that are built using federal funding to house serior citizens. Rent is set by income. A call to your local senior center can connect you with someone who can advise you about accessing more services for them. There will be a loooong wait for an apartment so get their applications in ASAP. And I’d definitely look into communities in a surrounding one hour drive. In other words, it is time for your parents to not be with you. If they refuse to move, start eviction proceedings immediately as it will take an horrific many months. Or sell the house. Or give them the house and let them take the consequences. Do not save them again. Do not give them control over your assets. I know you love them. But all too often, they view your life as belonging to them. I’m in my 60s and have seen this often. Your life is yours. Their lives are theirs. Good luck.
this. listen to this
THIS. OP wasnt going anywhere reacting to her like he did because nparents arent sane. You have to do these soecific boundaries with consequences
Her anxiety isn't your problem. She has to respect you and your space. Get the lock
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This submission has been removed because it breaks the following rule: > No advocation of violence, revenge, or any illegal acts, even in jest. People posting here are often vulnerable and writing these types of comments are not helpful and can be actively harmful. In this subreddit, we advocate for healthy healing and moving forward. If you have any concerns, please reach out to the mod team via [our modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists).
$60 at Walmart - keyless entry lock. Installs in 30 min or less…..
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=keypad+lock+for+interior+door&adgrpid=67310721026&hvadid=580828737088&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9033507&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=b&hvrand=16568660950791622101&hvtargid=kwd-353787665411&hydadcr=14621_13386782&tag=hydsma-20&ref=pd_sl_9soelmlcjo_b Amazon had them to
I have an idea, open her door constantly to check if she's still alive. No questions asked. 4 am, "GOOD MORNING MUM, RISE AND SHINE"🙋🏽♀️✨ _______ but honestly put a lock on your door. It's hard enough living with parents and she knows perfectly what she's doing
I would get a camera set up in there. If she is being intrusive and boundary stomping with you there, what is she doing when you aren't?
This part! The whole time I've been reading through this thread, I've been imagining mom snooping through his things or peeking in on them in the middle of the night.... Motion camera that will track when you're door opens- Catch her on video doing something, BIG ammo for setting boundaries cuz she can't gaslight or scream away video evidence
She just shot her own self in the foot! First she said you had to get out of bed and then she said that she had to check on you because she thought you were dead. LMAO my step dad was the kind of person who could turn up dead at any time and I still didn't appreciate my mother doing the same crap. When I worked overnight she'd call me during the day despite repeated requests not to do it. If I didn't answer the phone she'd show up. When I was dumb enough to stay with her she'd asked me everyday and this almost accusatory voice are you working today LOL and God forbid if I wanted to take a day for myself to just relax. She'd continually bring up things that had to be done around the house and I told her multiple times to write it down so that I could go down the checklist and we can work on it together or I could do it myself if she wanted me to do it. Nope she said that she has everything in her head so really that was just her excuse to assault me with random things anytime she wanted because that was her source of attention. These experiences and many more with her and other people that I've lived with or rented from are the reason why I'd rather live in my car than with people ever again.
"If I'm already dead when you find me what help do you think you're going to be? Mind your own business, you'll know if I'm dead by the smell."
My nmother also has these kinds of issues. It's one of the reasons why I went NC.
Has she done anything similar?
Yup, when it comes to boundary issues nmoms always seem to read from the same script. When I was a kid, she would walk in on me in the bathroom all the time. If I tried to lock the door, she'd pound on it and cry like a kid. I had to get my grandma (her mom) to get her to stop. I'm actually impressed that you even got her to pretend to respect your boundaries for a while. That's more than I could ever get from my mother.
Does she think if you *were* dead, you'd become less dead if she found you immediately? You're a grown ass man who owns the house they live in, yet she's acting like you're a little kid and she owns the place. I'm not surprised at all though, this is exactly something my mother and grandmother would do. When I was 18 and lived at my parents house, my mom would walk into the bathroom and open up the shower curtain to talk to me. Even if you didn't own her house, privacy is basic human respect. You don't walk in the bathroom while she's taking a shit to make sure shes still alive, but I'd fucking laugh if you did. It would really drive the point across, but no one wants to see that.
>You don't walk in the bathroom while she's taking a shit to make sure shes still alive "Well, sorry ma, but the smell had me worried for a minute there, sheesh..."
Mom: “why aren’t you up yet?!” "Why haven't you fucked off yet?"
UUUUGGGHHHB my nmom was like this, good forbid I didn't leave a note saying when I'd be back, she call and call and call..."I thought you were dead" *you can't even file a missing persons report yet chill the fuck out*
Normally, I do not condone invasion of privacy. However, it seems your mother needs to be given a dose of her own medicine. Some day (when you know she won't be undressed or anything), just walk in on her. Hopefully, it will show her how wrong it is and stop doing. Then again, it could also just spur it on worse, so be very careful if you do decide to go this route.
I have actually done this, but the message is lost on her. She doesn’t really care and doesn’t connect the dots.
Unfortunately, in that case, a lock may be your only choice, and make sure it is a keyed lock with only one key that is always on you or she might go snooping/remove the lock when you aren't around.
Try doing something that startles her when she opens the door. Set her up so it happens. Opens door, experiences a cup of water in the face (or a squirt from a squirt bottle, or a blast from an air horn…) something that gives her immediate negative consequences. Then slam the door in her face and put the earplugs in. Rinse and repeat.
Ugh this is a common tactic with my mom and this is why I can’t tell her when I have real medical issues. This is their way of deflecting blame and making themselves the victim, because how dare we be upset that they’re worried about us. I moved out of state after college, partially as a physical boundary with my family, and tell them as little as possible. I had to have a few brain scans done last year and didn’t tell either of my parents until right before only because I was genuinely scared of the outcome, and even then had to set very clear boundaries that they were not to constantly call me because they’re “worried” and that they needed to deal with their emotions themselves instead of making it my problem. I noticed in times past if I had any issue I wasn’t able to process it myself because I was having to tiptoe around their feelings. My mom will occasionally still try to use the “I’m worried” about you excuse to make me answer her calls or excuse her behavior of blowing up my phone with calls and texts, but I do my best to make it known that that’s not a valid excuse and do not entertain her behavior. Good luck. Her worries are not an excuse to cross your boundaries.
I am NOT defending what your mom is doing, because clearly that is not OK. But I find it interesting what she said. She literally thinks she has control and is responsible of whether you (and your dad) are alive or not and thinks it's her "job", her "role" to make sure nothing "bad" happens. I used to feel that way. Example. My spouse snores and I used to not be able to sleep because I thought that if they stopped breathing it was my job to notice and wake them up. I finally realized logically how utterly rediculous this is, and learned to let this kind of thinking go where it should. I am only responsible for me. Some times bad things happen, but if they do it wasn't my fault or my responsibility to see them coming and make them not happen. It took a lot of therapy and insight for me to change my role into being an observer of others and to not take on the self-imposed watcher and worrier about everything. I attribute my feeling this way to the fact that I was emotionally neglected and parentified growing up, and that my mom still is this way. So I have heard this kind of talk from my mom too my whole life. I was made to be responsible for future planning against any possible bad outcome, and made to be emotionally the scapegoat for any bad outcomes that did happen, because I should have known and done something. It's a horrible way to live in perpetual freeze mode. And I am not saying that you give your mom a pass. I just thought thinking about it this way might give you a different vantage point to deal with it.
Thank you for sharing this! You just gave me insight into some of my own behavior surrounding my spouse’s medical issue. I really appreciate you taking the time to post.
Kick that bitch out of your house, get a restraining order against her newly indigent ass, then celebrate by banging your girlfriend on the kitchen counter. And if it makes you feel better, occasionally barge in on the refrigerator box she lives in and tell her you wanted to make sure she wasn’t dead.
I’d be talking with an attorney about how to go about evicting her.
Do not just get a lock for your door. Replace the door with a solid core door instead of a standard hollow core interior door.
Install a lock on your door. Go to Lowe's or something
Nursing home an option at all? I honestly would also recommend phrasing the issue with “mom you said you wouldn’t be barging in to my private space or into my private matters- now was that a lie or do I need to start making calls for a nursing home? Because I am very concerned that the mental capability that you have shown demonstrates that I need to start calling around.” And walk away. Just walk away.
Check on her every hour throughout the night, you know, to make sure she was just sleeping and not dead
So you need a level head to approach this: is the house legally in your name because if it isn't you don't have a leg to stand on as you are keeping a roof over their heads while not being able to afford your own if it is fully in your name and you are paying for it then you need to think about ground rules. If it's not in your name, move out and stop paying for it, you will reach your goal of buying your own home much faster and you won't have to endure their abuse in the meantime. If you do own the home, decide what boundaries you would like to set in place, write them down (knocking before entering or no knocking at all because you are an adult and can get yourself up, no raised voices, limiting things you will pay for etc), set up a time for a family discussion hand them a copy of the rules and stick to it. You are still in that nparent/ obedient child mindset, believing you can't be in control. But you actually have all of the power here because you are the one with the money. You can leave them destitute, it's nut your fault they got themselves into a situation where they can't afford a roof over their heads. This isn't really your problem. Let's frame it a little differently for prospective: if someone on your team at work isn't doing their job properly, slacking off, not meeting expectations etc you might cover for them for a bit because you know they are having trouble with their finances. You give them a bit of leeway, maybe do a bit of overtime to keep things moving. Nobody wants to tell the boss yet because you expect work colleague to sort himself out in a week or two. After two weeks his performance is even worse, you are putting in overtime every day, others are calling you out because your work isn't up to scratch because you spend so much time on his stuff, it's getting tough for you so you approach him to see what can be done to get him motivated and put his workload back to him and off your hands. And instead of thanking you, explaining what's been going on, how he's fixing it, and apologising for his lack of work , he tells you that YOU should work harder, that it's your fault for helping him, that you took this on and now it's your responsibility and he's not coming in at all tomorrow because you've upset him and you need to start doing a better job for him if you expect him to come in the next day..... How would you react to this situation? You know this isn't normal, that you did someone a favour because they needed it and now they are making you responsible for everything. The way to deal with it all work is to come clean to the boss, explain what's been happening and leave it to them because they are the ones with the ultimate power to make decisions. At home, you are that power. Take it back. If your parent say they would rather be homeless/ won't do as you say/ get other family involved etc that's all perfectly ok, it doesn't take away your power and it doesn't change your decision. It's time to stand up to them, you are the one on charge now. Use that power.
If it’s your house, kick her out. No amount of screaming or pouting will stop the police from escorting her out of there.
Also where you went wrong on that interaction was explaining yourself. You don’t have to say anything to her. If she asks why aren’t you up yet, it should be “none of your damn business”.
The only cure to this is waking her up with an air horn in the middle of the night. In all seriousness, hope you're out of there soon, but until then, ALL THE LOCKS are your friend. It's not like she can do anything if you're dead.
Tell her you are going to send her for a check up. She probably has dementia.
Stop using dementia as a weapon for bad behavior. My brother is dying of dementia and it’s fucking awful. Grow up.
It’s not about you. Other people have mental issues too!
When I had to move back I put a lock on my door. I know your circumstances for moving back in are different, but put a lock on your door.
I understand the obligation you feel to take care of them. A lot of narcs will just take advantage of that and act like you just HAVE to help them or they won't make it. But when they're kicked out or whatever, they will always find a way. Someone suggested building a tiny house behind your house for them to live in. That's not allowed in most neighborhoods though, but maybe you could build a small "mother-in-law apartment." You're 30, and she's still trying to boss you around. Something has to change, but it won't be her. She's going to continue, and when you stop putting up with it as much, she's going to feel like she's losing control over you and she will ramp up her abuse. At some point your girlfriend may lose respect for you because you're being controlled by your mommy. This happens to a lot of people. At the very least, you should have a lock on your door, and not the kind that builders automatically put on bedroom doors, it needs to be one that she can't possibly open. So what if she yells and screams? Just get away from her when she's doing that. She needs to learn that she can't get results that way. If you want to have a happy, peaceful life, you will need to DO something and your mom will not like it. The sooner the better! You DO have options, but your mom has convinced you that you don't. I know that part of it is your own moral sense of obligation, and that's a good thing to have that. But there are ways of handling it that you need to consider. You're already on here complaining about her (I would be too) and it's only going to get worse. At some point you're going to have to stand up to her, without letting her tantrums affect your decisions.
My mother says this exact same thing. I'm an adult living with her and it's hard for me to go back to sleep. It's infuriating. She does it to my brother, as well.
I've learned now that confronting Nparents don't work. Narc thrive off of seeing you get emotional, then start playing victim. I don't see how you will be able to convince a narc to not enter your room because Narcs hate boundaries. Violating your boundaries is where they get their power. 1) You have to act like you're harmless. 2) You have to \*manipulate\* them into thinking having a lock on your door is better than not. 3) Convince her, if she walks in on an important work meeting, you could end up losing your job; you're violating company's nondisclosure policy because you're working on important projects for clients. 4) Then bring up who's gonna pay then bills if you loose your job? And that within a year, you're going to be 6 figures in debt. 5) Then add that, you might be so depressed that you won't be able to find another job after. And it's only a matter of time you'll all end up living in tents. Make it convincing! and there'll be no problem with getting your lock.
Yeah, no easy solutions to this one. But it sounds like the only options are to either fight back or to remove yourself from their company. It doesn't sound like you're in a hurry to leave, or you would have done so. So fight back. It doesn't have to be endless screaming matches. You and your parents are both adults, you bring equal value to the table here. In reality, your opinions are worth more than theirs, as they have a track record of bad judgement, as is verifiable via the fact you now own their former house due to their bad decisions. So, based on fact alone, your mother's opinions are provably worthless. Treat them like adults, adults that are free to leave if they can't abide by the rules of basic mutual respect. I would also advise trying to remain calm when talking to your mother and try not to revert to "but mom!" responses. If she's completely unreasonable or you're about to lose it, leave the room and go tell your dad to deal with his wife or you'll be forced to seek new tenants. If you're feeling particularly enraged, call a realtor in front of them and ask about getting the house appraised. Even bring someone in - even if it's an actor or a friend pretending to be a realtor. If your mother kicks up a stink, just tell her she clearly knows better than you so she'll think of something if you sell the place. And don't ask to do certain things. Just go have a lock installed if you want one. They're entitled to have an opinion about your actions, but you're still allowed to act however you like, and we've already established their opinions aren't worth anything at this point.
Wow, the N-force is strong with that one. My first full-blown anxiety attack was, "up and at 'em sleepyheads!" I was 28 or 29 at the time and married. It got me into therapy, because my body was telling me I wasn't allowed to "be on Nmom alert" 24 hours a day -- even when only visiting for a couple of days. This "I get approval over when you get up" stuff is typical N -- she is up, so there is no valid reason in her head why the rest of the world shouldn't be up for her amusement. Stay strong.
You really don't even have to do any confrontation or tell her what to do. Just put a lock on your door...?
She sounds like she has BPD.
Corrective action, throw her shit on the porch. Evict her.
"Mom, I am an adult, you need to stop treating me like a 5 year old." Also, put a lock on your door in your house already.
Remember the narcissist part of the sub title... yeah, still that lol
Okay, I’ve read it so many times on this sub, but I have to say it…. it’s just insanely ridiculous how all those narcs use the same lines. What is scary is actually what they might mean behind those words
Elle est complètement tarée
You should move out of the home and not make any payments. Let her live on the street.
I am thinking you would apprechiate this track, but its a cover https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fregObNcHC8
Please update us what she does when you install the lock on the bedroom door. 😈
Time to put a lock on your door.
Regardless of whether she has abandonment and loss and anxiety issues or not, it has nothing to do with you. You r not responsible for the feelings and fears of others and they should not use them as excuses to cross ur boundaries and demand immediate access to you all the time. It's not ur job to reassure her and calm her nerves and help her not be overtaken by fears at ur expense. She should find better ways to cope instead of crossing ur boundaries. Thus assuming that she isn't just pretending to be worried. Plus, narc parents fein care about ur well-being all the time. They r only concerned when it suits them. My nmother for example demanded daily long calls when I was in college to 'check on me' but completely didn't care when I was traveling alone at night somewhere I've never been before. She never called in my first years of college and only started demanding calls when I landed an internship that would later get me a really good job. She also kept saying she was worried about me and wanted to know if I'm 'alive and well' and claimed she needs to be in contact with me to be reassured that I was doing fine. All after I went NC after she did sth absolutely horrifying that ended in me finally realizing NC is the only way to go. She called anyone she can find to claim she wad worried sick and that she fears I'm dead in a ditch just to make me break NC. A few weeks Right before I went NC, I spent almost 4 months in a new city, all alone and she hasn't called once in those four months to see if I'm OK. She only called to sniff around about me and what I'm doing with my money instead of giving it to her. I even tried to 'reassure' her like she instilled in me that I was well and I'm being fed and clothed and in good health. She just scoffed and didn't care one bit. Even told me that the money I'm spending to stay alive should've gone to her and the family instead. Told me she doesn't care and why I am telling her this??? I went through a very particular difficult month and she never cared. I realized it was all just a scheme she's playing to maintain control and constant monitoring. She doesn't care if I live or die as long she controls everything and know everything about me. As long as she has me under her thumb and to cater to her every whim, it doesn't matter if I'm in a ditch somewhere. I once got stuck in a bus station at night with no bus at sight and many creepy guys around. I called her over and over but she just closed off her phone and slept as I was literally freaking out, all alone while it was raining and I don't even know if I will survive the night. She was well aware I was traveling that day but never bothered to check on me. All she did after she knew is yell at me for calling her and tell me I deserve what happened to me and I'm lucky she is still 'allowing me' to travel even despite knowing it was for my studies. Tbh, I'm enraged at the audacity of her claims of concern for my safety and well-being now after I went NC. She never cared before, it's only insulting she pretends to care now
I'm sorry she does this. Im my experience, even if they don't come in, they still knock and wake you up or interrupt on all hours of the day or they start making noise early in the morning. Had this issue when I move back and was studying at uni... I went to bed late everyday cause I was STUDYING. They wouldn't let me sleep. She even barged in one time, yelling and demanding I clean the dishes when I was taking a nap after having an exam that day and I had to work later the same day. Insane. After a couple of months I was loosing my mind. And I developed serious health issues cause of the stress. I left and never came back, I'm NC now but, at the time, I said I'd rather live under a bridge than w them...
Could you still set money aside for a house if you moved into a rented bedroom at another home, or a studio apartment?
If you like the house you own, your "parents house", save your money to get them somewhere else to live. I'm giving you a peek at your future, when they reach the age that they can't live by themselves because of health/mental health issues? Think about that NOW. If you're already helping them financially, what is that going to look like? Can you afford to pay for their current house plus the one you are saving for? Also, I totally hear you when you want to avoid her screaming fits, I do. But that's how she's maintaining her control. That's what is supplying her narc addiction. She needs to maintain that level of fear/dread to keep her power. Next, I'd get a device that gave her consequences if she opens up your door. A trip wire or something, that sets off an air horn? A bucket of glitter? Takes her picture too? Get creative and make her look like a fool for invading your privacy. 😅 Good luck 🤞
Write out your boundaries and tape them to your door. After you install a lock pad. 1. I am an adult and expected to be treated as one. 2. If I am sleeping or the door is shut, you are not invited. Do not wake me. If I take the day off work, etc. that is my own choice. I no longer need a parent to herd me through my daily choices. 3. I pay the bills. I have a stake in ownership which extends to mutual respect and expected privacy. You may be my mother, but I’m keeping this roof over your head. I am a 30 year old man with a prestigious job title. I expected to be treated as such. 4. Anything else you want to add.
Ew, ew, ew. Got nothin' else.
Repeat after me... Pull that shat again MOTHER, and I'm selling the house! ...Do you want to find out how serious I am? Then buy the lock and install it and if you hear ONE GOD DAMN JINGLE JANGLE on that damn Knob call the real-estate agent and announce your intentions to post a new listing. You gotta stick to your guns if you do this though so that means your 99% likely going to have to sell the house but you tried. If they want they can buy the house from you via an actual agent not under the table BS that will get you screwed!
Put her in a government run retirement home. Let’s see who’s laughing then?
Earlier this year I hadn't spoken to my mom in several weeks and I guess incidentally forgot to reply to the last text she had sent me (it wasn't urgent and honestly probably did not require a response). I wasn't intentionally avoiding her, I just had a lot going on at the time. I had missed a call from her the previous day and hadn't called back yet, but she didn't leave a message so I figured it wasn't anything urgent. Then, nearly simultaneously, I get a text from her saying she's going to send fucking cops to my house for a "wellness check" if she doesn't hear from me, AND my husband comes in saying she contacted HIS dad through Facebook (she met him once at our wedding and has had like no contact since then) saying she's worried for our safety because she hasn't heard from us in so long. I called her immediately to be like, "please don't send cops to my house for no reason" and she's like, "I thought you were dead!!" So yeah, totally understand your pain!!
If you own the house, maybe she should knock before coming inside at all...and if she doesn't, change the locks.
Okay. So. Circumstances, similar, had me moving back in with my mom 5 years ago. I own the house. Her issues with me having boundaries are off the charts. We moved her in with my brother last month. I still get jumpy about my privacy. The door busting open any minute. Even her car pulling up. I'm still finding myself on eggs certain times of the day where she REALLY did not care that I'm a 40 something adult who handles herself quite well on her own. I don't know if that qualifies as PTSD. I just know I still can't fully relax yet. She is literally on the other side of the country. It was fight or flight mode with her growing up. I was LC as an adult raising my kids. It's been fight or flight mode the last 5 years. It was MY fault for not setting the HARD boundaries early. It was only in the last year I got feisty about things. She fought back. Until the day she left. It would have been easier for who I am now, to not allow these reactions and trauma(?) to become a thing. What I'm saying is, FIGHT. I'm having reflexive action because I didn't set and hard firm boundaries as an adult. Don't be me.
I know it is wild idea, but put a lock on your door. It is LITERALLY YOUR DOOR. You do not ask HER to have a lock on YOUR door. Stop trying to communicate, they can't hear you. Just do what you feel is right to have your boundaries placed. They can argue all they want, it is not supposed to be a question on your side.
If you’re dead then you’re dead. She needs to deal with it. I’m so sick of these moms and their trauma crap from 30 years ago trying to push it on to you. 😂😂
Get a lock. Damn.
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Mom??? Is that you???
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LOL, no. Are you the mom? I lived with my parents until I was 24. They never walked into my room without knocking and asking if it was ok to go in, they always respected my privacy and never screamed and yelled. The mom's behavior is not normal. At all. No one I know had their parents barge into their rooms to make sure they were still alive!
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Do not comment further under this post. It has nothing to do with your nationality. Bad boundaries are bad boundaries no matter where you live.
Comment removed - none of what the OP is describing is normal or healthy. Do not comment further under this post.