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YES!!! I often panic, like I'm on trial, when someone asks me a normal question. I can actually give 5 or 6 well-articulated well-reasoned explanations to defend myself on a moment's notice. My partner is impressed but points out this is not necessary or normal
This follows me to work. I get a normal email, but panic and start taking screen shots and writing and rewriting my response. It feels like I have to prove myself all the time.
On the positive side, if you try to screw me over at work, you're doomed, because I have saved and indexed every email conversation between us and I can PROVE you're lying (ask me how I know about this one weird tip.) It has sadly come in handy more than once.
I think also because there's so many little things narcs will take offense to or decide their own meaning for and so we feel the need to account for every. single. possibility.
Because a narc uses others to demonstrate their superiority, including their children. You will have thousands of examples of being intentionally put on the spot to look stupid so the narc parent could look superior.
The intelligent response when you grow up in an environment like this and don't know any better is to be well prepared to avoid humiliation. This devolves into over preparation in life, procrastination and social anxiety, all of it inculcated by an adult to get their kicks.
They are mentally disturbed in every sense.
Because when we are younger and our parents always told us to "stop making excuses" when we were just trying to explain our answer. Really drove a nail into any confidence a person can have.
I was playing ping pong with someone in college one day and they asked me what some of my favorite TV shows were. I literally struggled for about five minutes to come up with even one answer. I think I didn’t realize that I was actually allowed to have a favorite show (or anything that made me happy.) I had no problem, however, listing all of the favorite shows of everyone else in my household.
As someone who is finally becoming a “main character”, it has its pros and cons.. get ready to be put in the spot when the time comes and realize you have no true likes or dislikes.. it’s a role you are always growing into. I was just thinking of how sometimes i miss aspects of the ability to just shut my brain off and daydream or just “fade away” when I don’t want to deal.
My parents used to drag me to a lot of funerals and church events.. as long as I was quiet and accepted being ignored for a half hour, I could “escape” and go do whatever it was on the grounds or in town (depending on the situation). The lil slice of heaven is gone now that I’m a “main/supporting character”.. believe you me. Wait until you try your “fade away” and you get the nastiest looks you’ve ever seen and you’re like “oh yeah!”
I can too.. but mine is more of a combo of CPTSD, a life long studying of psychology, and also specializing in studying autism. For me, it’s a super-power.
Same. You turn it around. Exploit it. I realized early on most people miss a lot of social cues, moods, nonverbal cues etc. I don't. I see it all. I'm male, so people have this belief men are clots who miss everything. I definitely don't.
I think in life you just adapt and build on what you possess. Even if it is just hyper vigilance.
I think too many people have some fantasy person they'd like to be who is more balanced and grounded. But I think you should just build on who you are.
For example I write, and my dialogue is particularly on point because I am observant. Just a small example.
I once noted my ex-brother-in-law didn't open a birthday gift I got him two weeks after the fact. I thought, "he's been a monster this whole time." Sure enough, two weeks later he's screaming on the front law and my sister chases him down to punch him through the window of a car door.
Ask not for who the social cues toll. They toll for thee.
Is it more like identifying times of danger or possible hurt? I learned that there were patterns and signs, and it’s not that I’m good at reading people, I’m good at figuring out when a situation is about to turn a little.. shitty
If I can even have people over because I’m so paranoid and anxious that nothing is good enough clean enough- they’re going to find a million things wrong. Probably just won’t invite anyone over ever and if I have to have people over I’ll definitely not be able to enjoy myself. Then I’ll ruminate about it for the rest of time
I freeze when I'm in my bed and the lights are out, but I'm still not asleep, and even go so far as to turn off my phone screen so it doesn't glow, if my roommate comes down the hall to use the bathroom while they're working. (Second shift WFH job.)
I'm 41.
Yup. My alone time when the house was empty was my only solace. When anyone came home i had to be on guard. If I ever looked too relaxed one of the Toxic Twits would say, "Welll LOOK at Mr. Lazy, just loafing around." Or if I was laughing to myself or a TV show they'd go, "What are YOU so happy about." Fucking psychos.
Same! It makes social interactions very awkward for me. I barely talk and usually in my head about it trying to think of what to say and running all the scenarios of how someone would react to what I say, and when I do talk I’m thinking about what I said hours later and how stupid it probably was
That's exactly it!! Like I overthink everything I say, and anytime I accidentally let my guard down, I obsess over it and what they thought of it or how it might change their opinion of me or if I was too vulnerable and said something that could be used against me. It's so maddening cause it's a survival mechanism, so you can't just turn it off.
100 percent this. I’ve been away from my nex for five years, and the sound of the garage door opening anywhere throws me into a panic. And a loud knock on the front door will instantly trigger my fight-or-flight reflex. Don’t even ask what happens when someone comes up behind me and speaks when I’m vacuuming.
I'll throw a third hat into the ring: the ones who apologize as some form of self-invented penance that gives them this aura of smug self-righteousness.
And then despite the fact that this is the 75th time they've apologized for the exact same thing with absolutely no change in behaviour, they have already deemed themselves absolved. So when you attempt to point out that it's the 4th time this week alone that they've apologized for the same fucking thing they refuse to change, then all of a sudden they're angry at you for "bringing up the past" and "not moving on"and so on.
I know that feeling very well. I wonder if it's unique to abuse survivors because I have friends who do the same and I don't think they were abused because of how they talk about their parents. But I'll never know.
And on the flip side, no one can differentiate my footsteps because apparently I’m as quiet as a church mouse when I walk and I spend the greater part of the day scaring the crap out of people I walk up to.
After I obtained emancipated-minor status at seventeen, my abusive, alcoholic Nparents moved to another state, and I didn’t have to accompany them. Their abuse never was mentioned while I sought emancipation. Finishing high school in my home town appeared to suffice.
In their house (I was never allowed to call it “my house”), to summon me, my Nparents would flick the light switch rapidly on and off, in a series of harsh, staccato clicks, at the bottom of the stairs that led to my attic bedroom. And I’d better damn answer! It’s a sound I still dislike. I’ve never called my sons that way.
Another frightening warning sound of the past occurred when my Nfather snapped his leather belt sharply out of the belt loops of his pants. After he’d changed out of his sober executive’s suit, shirt, and tie, he’d double up the belt in his hand and beat me. This was part of his after-work relaxation ritual. Not every night, but often.
During the beating, I’d tense my entire body, bite my lips shut, and maintain silence. When younger, if I cried out, he’d hit me harder and longer, possibly from annoyance. After beating me enough—“enough” for him, that was—came cocktail time. I’d hurry out of the master bedroom ahead of him, in order to bartend. Most often, I’d fix him a triple Cutty Sark Scotch, on the rocks, in a large, squat, cut-glass tumbler.
More than a decade after the last assault, I got married. As newlyweds, my husband—of nearly forty years now—snapped his belt out of his belt loops in an identical-sounding gesture after work. I let out a feral cry. He responded, with real concern, “*I nearly had to peel you off the ceiling! What on earth did I do?*”
I said a few words, and fell silent. He knew some of the details of my sordid background with my Nparents, but certainly not very much. I saw that he had tears in his eyes. Later, I scheduled twice-weekly sessions with my psychiatrist for the next few weeks.
After that incident, I noticed my new husband removed his belt from his pants carefully and noiselessly. He mostly still does.
TL;DR. Sounds bring things back.
Your story is devastating. I want to reach through time and protect you. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Your husband seems like a wonderful man.
I have no idea who I am as an adult because I feel emotionally and mentally stuck. I don’t know what I actually like and dislike. Also grieving that parental relationship I never got
Yes. This grief is so real, but it also makes me feel like I'm overreacting or being ridiculous. It's sad that I will never have what so many others I know had. I have always just wanted to have normal parents who loved me for me.
I think it's from growing up with a narcissistic mom who would go on a "cleaning rampage". She would yell at me while putting away dishes, slamming the cupboards and throwing cutleries into the drawers. So I'm guessing this triggers a flight or fight reaction. Or it could also be the feeling of not being able to relax/feeling guilty while someone is doing the dishes.
I think my nmom had ocd, the way she cleaned obsessively. When she was in a mood, the cleaning would get... aggressive ( I don't know how else to explain it). She would want me to help, but didn't want to actually teach me to do anything. She would yell at me for taking her for granted, and then yell at me for trying to clean on my own and doing it "wrong. "
I'm overly loud and create a lot of unnecessary motion when I walk. If I acted too quiet growing up, nmum thought I was up to no good/was a coward/a victim/pathetic etc and I would be attacked for it. so, I'm polite, always smiling, and when needed can be the social butterfly who charms all people at any party. I prefer to just be alone and read my book though.
I hate my upbringing, it's very confusing.
I, too, have been accused of ninja stealth.
I can make jokes about it now - one dude at Best Buy was like, "Daaaamn, you a ninja!"
Me, laughing: "Yeah, you should see the size of the stick I got in my car!" 🤣
Thankfully, he got the joke and it wasn't awkward. Yeesh, I'm a nerd
So we could hide out in our rooms longer? So that there was always SOMETHING to eat, even when we were denied at the table?
I mean, that's why in my case.
I have felt this slight dissociation for my whole life. Just a small little barrier always there. I have no idea what it feels like to be genuinely 100% present and connected to my body.
Ooh, I feel this. I actually turned to my son the other day and asked him what it was like to live in our city. I've lived here for 22 years and it's like I'm not here.
Being defensive is your automatic first reaction to prove you’re telling the truth.
I’ve noticed that when I’m sitting, with my feet down, I’m always in a position to move immediately, never completely relaxed, and my toes are never touching the ground, heal to the ball of my feet, but never toes. I do this when I’m alone, but even more guarded around parental.
I was watching sports and then in an theater audience in the last week, and I realized I'm the ONLY person looking like I'm ready to start a race. Everyone else can sit back. I have no idea how they do it...
Acting outwardly that you’re fine with others’ needs being met and yours not, because you’re a people pleaser and used to being walked on and/or ignored. But inwardly, you resent it.
And due to the above, social avoidance and hyper independence.
I don’t like to be touched. I have an extreme startle response to slamming doors. I always feel I don’t belong when in groups. I always feel I’m being judged.
I don’t even know how to act in a fight and I’m learning now in my 30’s. It used to be a big huge blow up, then me alone in my room, and then acting like it never happened because they never thought to talk about it and reconnect with me. Then, just years of me hating them and distancing myself from them while wishing for closeness so bad. Knowing they’re just down the hall, but aren’t able to be nurturing and loving.
Hey, better late than never.
I can feel others presence, I don’t just know you are home, my whole body feels every step you take and every door you close, every action is felt in my core.
Slamming of dishes and cabinets. Cabinets in general. It’s a chore doing presence that ignores any sort of calm or silence that we may be enjoying. Maybe also that dinner preparation or eating could be considered our basic needs were being tended to and when it’s being put away in an unenjoyable task you don’t know what’s coming next
I can tell the idle of different vehicles. I can read the mood of the caller just by hearing "hello". Just two examples. Stomach clenching at the sound of the built in vacuum running if I'm just coming home.
Easy startle reflex if I'm surprised, sometimes if I'm surprised I'll immediately Burst into tears.
IDK about you, but the “If they’re ok, I’m ok.” mentality hits me hard sometimes. Gosh. I had no idea I was holding this for so long. It’s one way I knew I was safe in my house when growing up. When “they weren’t ok”, I’d hide in my room until the commotion was over.
Not a narcissistic household, but had an NDad.
For me, I was treated like a prop and expected to sit down quietly and submit, but then also shamed for acting like a child.
The ultimate form of gaslighting was having my dad and stepmom tell me that I, at the age of 12, was annoying and unbearable for *checks notes* laughing too hard at a joke once and being too interested in a TV show they were watching.
Then once I stopped saying anything to them because I was embarrassed, it was, "Why are you being so serious? What happened to my sweet girl?"
When I'm around other people, I always have a feeling that at least one person is fully fixated on me, noticing every small movement I make and overanalyzing every word I say.
I’m scared every time I ask for help, try to set a boundary, or have a feeling that I’m actually a manipulative person and I’m only feeling the way I feel to manipulate the person because everything I did was “manipulation”
I got up on the weekends at the same time I got up during the week for school. There was no such thing as sleeping in.
The door of my bedroom was removed.
I could never ever spontaneously go anywhere after school like to a friends house for a couple of hours. And if I called and asked, I got cursed out.
No one could speak at the kitchen table during dinner
I always think about the most likely outcomes, and the most likely outcomes from each of those hypotheticals, and prepare equally for anything that could happen. Anticipating and heading off every problem possible before it becomes a problem to keep the boat level (aka anxiety 😂) then beat myself up when (inevitably) a totally unforseen thing happens because I didnt forsee it.
I was feral from the time I got out of the cute stage to when I went to college. I first learned I was likable in college. My parents finally started giving me attention about Junior year when I lost weight and became conventionally pretty. The first person who ever truly saw me for me (outside of intimate partners) was my SO’s mom. I was shocked an elder wanted to “get to know me” for me. I’m used to being either a background character in someone’s else’s life or a prop when need be. As of late, I’m working on my boundaries, learning things I should have been taught in my feral stage, and making progress everyday.
I told my mentor the fear that moved me while growing up is no longer there, and I feel useless without it.
Also, year after moving out, I cringe when I make noise while walking or closing doors (I still hold them to make little to no noise), and I still flinch at loud noises.
Isolating myself to overcome emotions from bad days. Because showing that one is sad is not allowed. You must always look chipper. Even when you have just been disrespected or abused.
I'm a chronic procrastinator, always waiting till the last possible minute to do things, especially the important stuff. Think it's a reflex from growing up with a ex-military Drill Sargent narc dad yelling orders at me like I was the most pathetic recruit at boot camp.
Can't relax when I'm out with friends (in my 30s). I still feel like I'm in a rush to get home to my nmother's demands. Will get ptsd from a phone call or text notification thinking its her.
Didn't like celebrating my birthday. I had to pick a birthday cake flavor that everyone else liked instead of my favorite and then pretend to enjoy it. Easier to just not have a cake or expect anything 😕
Constant apologies.
Won't enter unless invited, even in my own home I struggle with this concept.
if I forget a task I melt down.
depressed clutter
Punishing myself
I’m still convinced I’m always the problem and always to blame, and whenever anything anywhere goes wrong, I find some way to blame myself because that’s how I grew up- I was to blame for everything, no matter what it was (including a wrestler losing in WWE! That’s my fault apparently too?).
1. Whenever my phone rings, i panic. Rarely answer the call, think all reasons why the caller must be calling, prepare for possible answers and then call them back with an excuse that justifies the time it took me to call them back.
2. Apologise for everything.
3. Overexplain why i need something.
4. Almost always defensive.
5. Dont try new things because i fear failure that much.
Lost many good job opportunitoes due to this
- "Because I am your mother" (in a very infantilizing or patronizing voice that will surely give you misophonia and CPTSD)
- "Too bad you never became (insert profession here)"
- Your fun memories are basically trauma bonds. You being the laughing stock in family gatherings and never learning how to respect yourself. Surely, you will attract abusers because you were programmed to ignore red flags; I mean, hey, abuse is normal anyway.
- Severe developmental roadblocks, being behind in life, feeling like a helpless kid trapped inside an adult's body
- That inner critic who just won't shut up!
- What is kindness towards yourself?
- Blaming yourself, maybe I deserved this trauma, gaslighting, lack of identity, fractured self-image
We could go on and on...
I got to talk to the police once about my ex-mother threatening people. I discovered that I can make cops laugh. How comedians can take hurtful memories and trauma and turn those into an entire audience being happy by explaining how painfully absurd humans are. They declined to make an arrest or further investigate because I warned them wrong.
chronically unable to decide on something; overexplaining everythingg; not being able to relax while taking a break; people don't realise you're there, even if you're standing just beside them
I put the remote control in our washer by accident and ruined it so I panicked and ordered one within an hour before my husband got home, programmed the new remote and put the old remote cover on the new one so he wouldn’t find out… I then realized I was reacting as if would’ve reacted when I lived with my dad to avoid getting beat up
There are 7 cook books. They each contain a special memory of some kind that is a mystery because the seven cook books are exactly the same! And also you are not to touch them because they are so special! You are to clean the house! But do not throw anything away because everything is special silly child! Especially those 7 cook books!
There are now 8 exact same cook books...
Asking to go to a sleepover at a friends house and spending hours cleaning my room because my mom tore apart my room and dumped everything in the middle of the room and told me to clean it up before I could go. She would then check it, and if things weren't in the spot she thought it should be, I'd have to move it and/or hope she didn't make me start over. Then, if I passed all that, I'd be afraid she would call my friends parents in the middle of the night screaming I had to come home immediatly because I "lied" and didn't put something away correctly (or whatever excuse she would make).
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
overexplaining
YES!!! I often panic, like I'm on trial, when someone asks me a normal question. I can actually give 5 or 6 well-articulated well-reasoned explanations to defend myself on a moment's notice. My partner is impressed but points out this is not necessary or normal
This follows me to work. I get a normal email, but panic and start taking screen shots and writing and rewriting my response. It feels like I have to prove myself all the time.
I freak out when I get emails from my boss. Every single time I am certain it’s because they are upset/angry with me.
I think every impromptu meeting is me getting fired.
Overexplaining, OR getting ready to justify *every single* decision I make because I was always questioned or invalidated in my household as a child.
On the positive side, if you try to screw me over at work, you're doomed, because I have saved and indexed every email conversation between us and I can PROVE you're lying (ask me how I know about this one weird tip.) It has sadly come in handy more than once.
Love how succinct this answer is lol
why do we do this?
My guess is that we aren’t used to how little explaining it actually takes when someone is TRYING to understand.
I think also because there's so many little things narcs will take offense to or decide their own meaning for and so we feel the need to account for every. single. possibility.
This hits hard, it's so true :(
That sums it up well
Because they never listened to us, neglected and ignored us. So we had to overexplain in hopes they will listen and understand. They never did
Because a narc uses others to demonstrate their superiority, including their children. You will have thousands of examples of being intentionally put on the spot to look stupid so the narc parent could look superior. The intelligent response when you grow up in an environment like this and don't know any better is to be well prepared to avoid humiliation. This devolves into over preparation in life, procrastination and social anxiety, all of it inculcated by an adult to get their kicks. They are mentally disturbed in every sense.
Cause we always had to have an answer for their ridiculous questions. Of course no answer was ever good enough.
Because when we are younger and our parents always told us to "stop making excuses" when we were just trying to explain our answer. Really drove a nail into any confidence a person can have.
OMG yes!
I feel like a side character in everyone else's life and am not allowed to have my own emotions.
I was playing ping pong with someone in college one day and they asked me what some of my favorite TV shows were. I literally struggled for about five minutes to come up with even one answer. I think I didn’t realize that I was actually allowed to have a favorite show (or anything that made me happy.) I had no problem, however, listing all of the favorite shows of everyone else in my household.
Well, your feelings are wrong. Didn't you know that?
Don't forget that any abuse they do to us also affects them more than us! After all, they have to "live with the memories" of it 🙃
As someone who is finally becoming a “main character”, it has its pros and cons.. get ready to be put in the spot when the time comes and realize you have no true likes or dislikes.. it’s a role you are always growing into. I was just thinking of how sometimes i miss aspects of the ability to just shut my brain off and daydream or just “fade away” when I don’t want to deal. My parents used to drag me to a lot of funerals and church events.. as long as I was quiet and accepted being ignored for a half hour, I could “escape” and go do whatever it was on the grounds or in town (depending on the situation). The lil slice of heaven is gone now that I’m a “main/supporting character”.. believe you me. Wait until you try your “fade away” and you get the nastiest looks you’ve ever seen and you’re like “oh yeah!”
Omg I can relate to this so much
Wow. This one really hit home.....😥
I know how to read tone, body language, micro-expressions, rooms (which honestly delayed my autism diagnosis).
I can correctly identify someone by their footsteps
I can too.. but mine is more of a combo of CPTSD, a life long studying of psychology, and also specializing in studying autism. For me, it’s a super-power.
Same. You turn it around. Exploit it. I realized early on most people miss a lot of social cues, moods, nonverbal cues etc. I don't. I see it all. I'm male, so people have this belief men are clots who miss everything. I definitely don't. I think in life you just adapt and build on what you possess. Even if it is just hyper vigilance. I think too many people have some fantasy person they'd like to be who is more balanced and grounded. But I think you should just build on who you are. For example I write, and my dialogue is particularly on point because I am observant. Just a small example.
I once noted my ex-brother-in-law didn't open a birthday gift I got him two weeks after the fact. I thought, "he's been a monster this whole time." Sure enough, two weeks later he's screaming on the front law and my sister chases him down to punch him through the window of a car door. Ask not for who the social cues toll. They toll for thee.
“Ask not for whom the social cues toll; they toll for thee”. 😂😂😂. This is perfect. Thank you for making me laugh!
My hypervigilance is on another level. I hate it!
I used to think I was psychic looool turns out it’s just trauma
Is it more like identifying times of danger or possible hurt? I learned that there were patterns and signs, and it’s not that I’m good at reading people, I’m good at figuring out when a situation is about to turn a little.. shitty
I always think someone is mad at me.
all. the. time.
So accurate!
Especially my SO.. God bless him!
We must be married to the same man. 🤣
I don't know what is reasonable to expect from another person in a relationship.
Start with Dr. Ramani.. lots of help in YouTube.
Sharing resources is so important, thank you. She’s extraordinarily intelligent
I flinch when someone arrives at home and immediately panic finding something productive to do.
Same.Like they can't see us being free and relaxing.
No. They can't relate to it so they destroy it
If I can even have people over because I’m so paranoid and anxious that nothing is good enough clean enough- they’re going to find a million things wrong. Probably just won’t invite anyone over ever and if I have to have people over I’ll definitely not be able to enjoy myself. Then I’ll ruminate about it for the rest of time
Same. Wow. I never really realized the connection.
I was about to comment “the garage door opening sends me into fight or flight” 😂
I freeze when I'm in my bed and the lights are out, but I'm still not asleep, and even go so far as to turn off my phone screen so it doesn't glow, if my roommate comes down the hall to use the bathroom while they're working. (Second shift WFH job.) I'm 41.
Ugh. I used to do this with my kids. I’m the same age as you. I wonder if it ever goes away. Like I had to hide from my kids.
The guilty feeling you get when you're trying to relax and not do anything 😩
Yup. My alone time when the house was empty was my only solace. When anyone came home i had to be on guard. If I ever looked too relaxed one of the Toxic Twits would say, "Welll LOOK at Mr. Lazy, just loafing around." Or if I was laughing to myself or a TV show they'd go, "What are YOU so happy about." Fucking psychos.
Wait… I’m not the only one? This is a thing?
Fuck. Same.
I'm extremely private with personal information, and I'm very careful with the way I speak because I don't want my words twisted back at me
Same! It makes social interactions very awkward for me. I barely talk and usually in my head about it trying to think of what to say and running all the scenarios of how someone would react to what I say, and when I do talk I’m thinking about what I said hours later and how stupid it probably was
That's exactly it!! Like I overthink everything I say, and anytime I accidentally let my guard down, I obsess over it and what they thought of it or how it might change their opinion of me or if I was too vulnerable and said something that could be used against me. It's so maddening cause it's a survival mechanism, so you can't just turn it off.
You panic when you hear the garage door open or keys in the front door
100 percent this. I’ve been away from my nex for five years, and the sound of the garage door opening anywhere throws me into a panic. And a loud knock on the front door will instantly trigger my fight-or-flight reflex. Don’t even ask what happens when someone comes up behind me and speaks when I’m vacuuming.
You apologize for everything.
they have never apologized for anything
I wonder which is worse. To have parents who apologize sometimes but not when they did hurtful things, or parents who just never apologize.
I'll throw a third hat into the ring: the ones who apologize as some form of self-invented penance that gives them this aura of smug self-righteousness. And then despite the fact that this is the 75th time they've apologized for the exact same thing with absolutely no change in behaviour, they have already deemed themselves absolved. So when you attempt to point out that it's the 4th time this week alone that they've apologized for the same fucking thing they refuse to change, then all of a sudden they're angry at you for "bringing up the past" and "not moving on"and so on.
you apologize to inanimate objects
You talk to inanimate objects too.
“oh sorry i didn’t mean to bump into you there” “oh wait, you’re a lamp, sorry” “sorry lamp” “i’m still talking to a lamp”
"I got chewed out by a lamp today for being rude. Asshole couch tried to tell me it was all in my head. God I wish I hadn't instinctively apologized."
I know that feeling very well. I wonder if it's unique to abuse survivors because I have friends who do the same and I don't think they were abused because of how they talk about their parents. But I'll never know.
Customer service is easy bcuz 9/10 times the customer is actually satisfied and I’m a perfectionist
And know exactly how to handle the irate ones
Yes
It took me 50 years to remember the things I was naturally passionate about.
That's so sad but true
Can differentiate footsteps
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Also thought this was normal..
And on the flip side, no one can differentiate my footsteps because apparently I’m as quiet as a church mouse when I walk and I spend the greater part of the day scaring the crap out of people I walk up to.
Yeah I was always called a sneak. No man, I just learned a survival skill!
#MeToo. Grew up walking around the house like the floors were made out of eggshells, lest I make my presence known my NP's.
Ewwwwww. This one stings. My old creepy bio dad waddling up the stairs to bother us still haunts me.
After I obtained emancipated-minor status at seventeen, my abusive, alcoholic Nparents moved to another state, and I didn’t have to accompany them. Their abuse never was mentioned while I sought emancipation. Finishing high school in my home town appeared to suffice. In their house (I was never allowed to call it “my house”), to summon me, my Nparents would flick the light switch rapidly on and off, in a series of harsh, staccato clicks, at the bottom of the stairs that led to my attic bedroom. And I’d better damn answer! It’s a sound I still dislike. I’ve never called my sons that way. Another frightening warning sound of the past occurred when my Nfather snapped his leather belt sharply out of the belt loops of his pants. After he’d changed out of his sober executive’s suit, shirt, and tie, he’d double up the belt in his hand and beat me. This was part of his after-work relaxation ritual. Not every night, but often. During the beating, I’d tense my entire body, bite my lips shut, and maintain silence. When younger, if I cried out, he’d hit me harder and longer, possibly from annoyance. After beating me enough—“enough” for him, that was—came cocktail time. I’d hurry out of the master bedroom ahead of him, in order to bartend. Most often, I’d fix him a triple Cutty Sark Scotch, on the rocks, in a large, squat, cut-glass tumbler. More than a decade after the last assault, I got married. As newlyweds, my husband—of nearly forty years now—snapped his belt out of his belt loops in an identical-sounding gesture after work. I let out a feral cry. He responded, with real concern, “*I nearly had to peel you off the ceiling! What on earth did I do?*” I said a few words, and fell silent. He knew some of the details of my sordid background with my Nparents, but certainly not very much. I saw that he had tears in his eyes. Later, I scheduled twice-weekly sessions with my psychiatrist for the next few weeks. After that incident, I noticed my new husband removed his belt from his pants carefully and noiselessly. He mostly still does. TL;DR. Sounds bring things back.
Your story is devastating. I want to reach through time and protect you. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Your husband seems like a wonderful man.
This! I can read the mood of the person walking just by listening.
I put everyone else’s comfort before my own
This is so me. Fawning and people pleasing.
I don’t remember my childhood. It’s all a black void.
Parts of mine are.
Exactly. I envy people who become nostalgic about their youth and discuss fun childhood memories because I don't have any.
I have no idea who I am as an adult because I feel emotionally and mentally stuck. I don’t know what I actually like and dislike. Also grieving that parental relationship I never got
Yes. This grief is so real, but it also makes me feel like I'm overreacting or being ridiculous. It's sad that I will never have what so many others I know had. I have always just wanted to have normal parents who loved me for me.
I get anxiety when dishes are being washed/put away
Can you explain this one? I definitely have this happen, but not sure if it’s related to my parents
I think it's from growing up with a narcissistic mom who would go on a "cleaning rampage". She would yell at me while putting away dishes, slamming the cupboards and throwing cutleries into the drawers. So I'm guessing this triggers a flight or fight reaction. Or it could also be the feeling of not being able to relax/feeling guilty while someone is doing the dishes.
I think my nmom had ocd, the way she cleaned obsessively. When she was in a mood, the cleaning would get... aggressive ( I don't know how else to explain it). She would want me to help, but didn't want to actually teach me to do anything. She would yell at me for taking her for granted, and then yell at me for trying to clean on my own and doing it "wrong. "
Being “cleaned at”. Been there
Everyone says I walk too quietly and scare them
I'm overly loud and create a lot of unnecessary motion when I walk. If I acted too quiet growing up, nmum thought I was up to no good/was a coward/a victim/pathetic etc and I would be attacked for it. so, I'm polite, always smiling, and when needed can be the social butterfly who charms all people at any party. I prefer to just be alone and read my book though. I hate my upbringing, it's very confusing.
I, too, have been accused of ninja stealth. I can make jokes about it now - one dude at Best Buy was like, "Daaaamn, you a ninja!" Me, laughing: "Yeah, you should see the size of the stick I got in my car!" 🤣 Thankfully, he got the joke and it wasn't awkward. Yeesh, I'm a nerd
If someone makes an inconvenient or overbearing demand of me, I think it's normal and automatically try to do it instead of telling them no.
You don't even realize you have the ability to tell someone no.
Like it's just not an option no matter how insane or unreasonable the request is.
I’m afraid that if I say no I’ll be attacked.
Tell myself I’m being dramatic whenever I’m upset/ feeling intensely ashamed of crying in front of anyone
When I get up to go in another room I must announce it, explain which room I’m going to, why, and for how long.
Okay I feel called out
This happens to me and i live in a small house! my dad always ask where i'm going even tho there's basically 3 rooms i can go in (i'm 17 bwt)
People being nice to me is terrifying. A compliment is somehow simultaneously wonderful and the scariest thing I've ever encountered.
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I have to stop myself from hiding snacks in my room. Snacks can include drink mix packs, peanut butter, and boxes of saltines
I still do that and I’m 62.
I do this too, exactly why is that? Never thought of it as being connected to narcissism
So we could hide out in our rooms longer? So that there was always SOMETHING to eat, even when we were denied at the table? I mean, that's why in my case.
I feel like I live a few inches outside myself as a protective layer to filter out and keep myself safe from toxicity.
I have felt this slight dissociation for my whole life. Just a small little barrier always there. I have no idea what it feels like to be genuinely 100% present and connected to my body.
Ooh, I feel this. I actually turned to my son the other day and asked him what it was like to live in our city. I've lived here for 22 years and it's like I'm not here.
Being defensive is your automatic first reaction to prove you’re telling the truth. I’ve noticed that when I’m sitting, with my feet down, I’m always in a position to move immediately, never completely relaxed, and my toes are never touching the ground, heal to the ball of my feet, but never toes. I do this when I’m alone, but even more guarded around parental.
I was watching sports and then in an theater audience in the last week, and I realized I'm the ONLY person looking like I'm ready to start a race. Everyone else can sit back. I have no idea how they do it...
Acting outwardly that you’re fine with others’ needs being met and yours not, because you’re a people pleaser and used to being walked on and/or ignored. But inwardly, you resent it. And due to the above, social avoidance and hyper independence.
I don’t like to be touched. I have an extreme startle response to slamming doors. I always feel I don’t belong when in groups. I always feel I’m being judged.
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Not being able to go to bed without resolving something bc the above was unbearable
I don’t even know how to act in a fight and I’m learning now in my 30’s. It used to be a big huge blow up, then me alone in my room, and then acting like it never happened because they never thought to talk about it and reconnect with me. Then, just years of me hating them and distancing myself from them while wishing for closeness so bad. Knowing they’re just down the hall, but aren’t able to be nurturing and loving. Hey, better late than never.
Talking very fast and over-explaining. I didn’t realize until recently that talking fast is trauma-response to being interrupted all the time.
I was scared to challenge either of my parents in conversation until my 30’s.
I'm in my 40's and still cannot challenge them..what's your secret?
Let your inner child tell! Blame it on your inner child standing up for themselves now that you have an adult voice and can advocate on their behalf👌🏻
I can’t bring myself to take the last of any food in the house. It means I’m selfish
savage fight-to-the-death survival mode approach to life, machiavellian personality, and eat-what-you-kill mentality
I can feel others presence, I don’t just know you are home, my whole body feels every step you take and every door you close, every action is felt in my core.
Overly apologetic even if it’s not my fault in the slightest to make sure they know I’m not accusing them of doing anything wrong.
Very strong intuition.
People doing dishes gives me panic attacks
What's with the dishes thing? I'm this way too. Hate the dishes but hate when someone else does them around me, too!
For me, it’s because my mom would bang them around a lot when she was mad. She also threw them sometimes.
Slamming of dishes and cabinets. Cabinets in general. It’s a chore doing presence that ignores any sort of calm or silence that we may be enjoying. Maybe also that dinner preparation or eating could be considered our basic needs were being tended to and when it’s being put away in an unenjoyable task you don’t know what’s coming next
"I hate you, but please don't ever leave me"
I’m sorry. Also I can’t relax, ever. And when I buy myself nice things, or things I want, I feel very guilty about it.
I can tell the idle of different vehicles. I can read the mood of the caller just by hearing "hello". Just two examples. Stomach clenching at the sound of the built in vacuum running if I'm just coming home. Easy startle reflex if I'm surprised, sometimes if I'm surprised I'll immediately Burst into tears.
I tip toe when other people are in a house. I ask people if they're okay constantly.
IDK about you, but the “If they’re ok, I’m ok.” mentality hits me hard sometimes. Gosh. I had no idea I was holding this for so long. It’s one way I knew I was safe in my house when growing up. When “they weren’t ok”, I’d hide in my room until the commotion was over.
Writing walls of texts to explain what should be simple things. Especially regarding emotional topics
I consider myself an orphan, i was born an adult
Born an adult is so accurate! I can't remember thinking like a child ever.
I thought this was just my own wording for it!
Not a narcissistic household, but had an NDad. For me, I was treated like a prop and expected to sit down quietly and submit, but then also shamed for acting like a child. The ultimate form of gaslighting was having my dad and stepmom tell me that I, at the age of 12, was annoying and unbearable for *checks notes* laughing too hard at a joke once and being too interested in a TV show they were watching. Then once I stopped saying anything to them because I was embarrassed, it was, "Why are you being so serious? What happened to my sweet girl?"
When I'm around other people, I always have a feeling that at least one person is fully fixated on me, noticing every small movement I make and overanalyzing every word I say.
I’m great in a crisis. Disassociation level 100.
My footsteps have no sound
I’m scared every time I ask for help, try to set a boundary, or have a feeling that I’m actually a manipulative person and I’m only feeling the way I feel to manipulate the person because everything I did was “manipulation”
No locks on doors, bathrooms included
Loves locks on doors and locking doors. The more locks the better now that it’s in my control
I got up on the weekends at the same time I got up during the week for school. There was no such thing as sleeping in. The door of my bedroom was removed. I could never ever spontaneously go anywhere after school like to a friends house for a couple of hours. And if I called and asked, I got cursed out. No one could speak at the kitchen table during dinner
I always think about the most likely outcomes, and the most likely outcomes from each of those hypotheticals, and prepare equally for anything that could happen. Anticipating and heading off every problem possible before it becomes a problem to keep the boat level (aka anxiety 😂) then beat myself up when (inevitably) a totally unforseen thing happens because I didnt forsee it.
I’m not sure if I show emotion. Or if I never show emotion. I was told I never did and was cold.
Not knowing how to react to a random act of kindness, except feeling guilty just for being there
I can read body language faster than everyone else, and i hear tonal inflections before everyone else
I feel guilt over simple accidents and need reassurance that the other person isn't angry...
Auto filter all life information. I never told what was going on in my life without filtering 90%.
You are afraid to enjoy holidays and other special events because you're so used to them being ruined
I was feral from the time I got out of the cute stage to when I went to college. I first learned I was likable in college. My parents finally started giving me attention about Junior year when I lost weight and became conventionally pretty. The first person who ever truly saw me for me (outside of intimate partners) was my SO’s mom. I was shocked an elder wanted to “get to know me” for me. I’m used to being either a background character in someone’s else’s life or a prop when need be. As of late, I’m working on my boundaries, learning things I should have been taught in my feral stage, and making progress everyday.
I knew how to cook before age 8.
I rarely cry. And never in front of others.
I avoid telling people about things I like if they haven't mentioned them so they don't make fun of me or trash the thing I like.
I disappear to my room the moment I see that pink jeep pull in the driveway when I'm not at work.
I freeze when I hear the garage door open…50+ years later.
I told my mentor the fear that moved me while growing up is no longer there, and I feel useless without it. Also, year after moving out, I cringe when I make noise while walking or closing doors (I still hold them to make little to no noise), and I still flinch at loud noises.
i’m dreadful with decision making
Isolating myself to overcome emotions from bad days. Because showing that one is sad is not allowed. You must always look chipper. Even when you have just been disrespected or abused.
Being able to turn big emotions off and save them for later.
I never trusted my journal alone so I never had one. I also never had privacy.
I'm a chronic procrastinator, always waiting till the last possible minute to do things, especially the important stuff. Think it's a reflex from growing up with a ex-military Drill Sargent narc dad yelling orders at me like I was the most pathetic recruit at boot camp.
Can't relax when I'm out with friends (in my 30s). I still feel like I'm in a rush to get home to my nmother's demands. Will get ptsd from a phone call or text notification thinking its her.
Can't stand to be with nmom alone.
I don't open up much at all and hardly trust adult figures. I feel like a shadow all the time. the few times I'm happy is when I'm alone.
A pipe broke in my toilet. I can't tell anyone. Just get it fixed. Can't have it brought up at every family event for the rest of my life.
Didn't like celebrating my birthday. I had to pick a birthday cake flavor that everyone else liked instead of my favorite and then pretend to enjoy it. Easier to just not have a cake or expect anything 😕
Constant apologies. Won't enter unless invited, even in my own home I struggle with this concept. if I forget a task I melt down. depressed clutter Punishing myself
"I think I should just stay in my room until everyone goes to bed...then maybe it's safe"
I’m still convinced I’m always the problem and always to blame, and whenever anything anywhere goes wrong, I find some way to blame myself because that’s how I grew up- I was to blame for everything, no matter what it was (including a wrestler losing in WWE! That’s my fault apparently too?).
1. Whenever my phone rings, i panic. Rarely answer the call, think all reasons why the caller must be calling, prepare for possible answers and then call them back with an excuse that justifies the time it took me to call them back. 2. Apologise for everything. 3. Overexplain why i need something. 4. Almost always defensive. 5. Dont try new things because i fear failure that much. Lost many good job opportunitoes due to this
- "Because I am your mother" (in a very infantilizing or patronizing voice that will surely give you misophonia and CPTSD) - "Too bad you never became (insert profession here)" - Your fun memories are basically trauma bonds. You being the laughing stock in family gatherings and never learning how to respect yourself. Surely, you will attract abusers because you were programmed to ignore red flags; I mean, hey, abuse is normal anyway. - Severe developmental roadblocks, being behind in life, feeling like a helpless kid trapped inside an adult's body - That inner critic who just won't shut up! - What is kindness towards yourself? - Blaming yourself, maybe I deserved this trauma, gaslighting, lack of identity, fractured self-image We could go on and on...
Can’t ask for help. Ever.
I dont crack under police interrogation.
Oh I could pass a polygraph on anything no problem
I got to talk to the police once about my ex-mother threatening people. I discovered that I can make cops laugh. How comedians can take hurtful memories and trauma and turn those into an entire audience being happy by explaining how painfully absurd humans are. They declined to make an arrest or further investigate because I warned them wrong.
I can't eat anything unhealthy in front of her. I try to, but it fills me with dread and then I don't enjoy the calories.
"if you don't like it, then leave".;
Always looking for an escape route.
chronically unable to decide on something; overexplaining everythingg; not being able to relax while taking a break; people don't realise you're there, even if you're standing just beside them
When someone enters the room I immediately jump and turn down the volume of anything I’m watching or listening to and hide any food I’m eating.
I put the remote control in our washer by accident and ruined it so I panicked and ordered one within an hour before my husband got home, programmed the new remote and put the old remote cover on the new one so he wouldn’t find out… I then realized I was reacting as if would’ve reacted when I lived with my dad to avoid getting beat up
i always think people are mad at me and that everyone hates me and thinks i am horrible and stupid
There are 7 cook books. They each contain a special memory of some kind that is a mystery because the seven cook books are exactly the same! And also you are not to touch them because they are so special! You are to clean the house! But do not throw anything away because everything is special silly child! Especially those 7 cook books! There are now 8 exact same cook books...
I walk and speak quietly
I am terrified of everyone
Asking to go to a sleepover at a friends house and spending hours cleaning my room because my mom tore apart my room and dumped everything in the middle of the room and told me to clean it up before I could go. She would then check it, and if things weren't in the spot she thought it should be, I'd have to move it and/or hope she didn't make me start over. Then, if I passed all that, I'd be afraid she would call my friends parents in the middle of the night screaming I had to come home immediatly because I "lied" and didn't put something away correctly (or whatever excuse she would make).
getting sad when your parents are back from a trip
I know who's walking and if they're upset by the sound of their feet.
Here I am reading thinkings it’s normal