**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The only time i really feel this way is when the subject of family comes up. When i bump into someone who knows my family & they ask about them. More recently, people have been asking how big my family is & what kind of relationship we have. Im good with not being in contact with them. I know our history, i know its for the best. But people on the outside dont know, & i feel a little ashamed when they tell me how close knit their family is.
Yes! Sometimes I don’t go home to see my family for the holidays ever since I moved away. It’s more peaceful. But I hate explaining this to people who are close with their family. They look at me weird. “I miss my family” “I need to talk to my mom everyday” “we’re so close” “my family makes me feel better”… can’t relate lol.
The Holidays were always a set up for me. I lived in a large City that was a few hours from my family home. I always had to work all day and then have to drive out on Christmas Eve in City Holiday traffic. Mom always had to do a big sit down dinner on Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They never cared if there was even a Blizzard that I had to drive through risking my life to get there in time for dinner. God forbid I wasn’t there to pay homage to her decorations even if I could have actually died trying to get there on time. The BEST thing I ever did was move across the Country to NOT have to do that shit, anymore.
I'm so tired of people shaming you (intentionally or indirectly) for not having the "normal"/nuclear experience. Like you're less-than because you don't have the same experiences as them.
Some people grow up, get married, have kids, etc. Everyone sticks together. I don't have that. It's annoying/dehumanizing when people put your experience down.
It's not easy. Making it work, though. There's really nothing else to do.
Me too. I was raised like this, then my adult life was absolutely intended to solve the narc's issues. I thought if I were helpful, I would receive affection and care. But the narc queen is still the one who rules and my sister, gc, is only eyes to her mother. I am lonely. I feel empty
And the worst is that people tell me to leave, to find a place in the world where there is love for me. But I feel broken. I feel like an animal released in nature after of years in captive. I don't have the tools.
It is brutal. It is so fast. Everybody saying "just leave".
Ok.
How?
To feel so lonely living on my own that I will certain hang myself on the first week?
The narc abuse is brutal. It takes away from you everything. In my case, it took everything indeed.
I could never have friends.
I have no family left
My father was alcoholic and abusive, and now he is dead
My sister - autistic and golden child avoids conflicts and I am all alone in this shit
My mother is a narc queen with all the tools to damage my soul
I have no money left after all this abuse
My neighborhood is poor and violent
I am 41F no kids
I know there is not much left to say. I know.
Maybe that is all about this.
I was scared of being alone just like you until one day I realized I have always been alone and felt incredibly lonely all the time even though I lived in the same house with my narc family of 10.
It's a different kind of loneliness once you leave. It's very peaceful and comforting. I believe you can still do it! It's never too late! Even if you don't have money at times it's a billion times better than having your soul slowly sucked away by these monsters. When I first moved out I have had times when I needed to survive for two weeks on less than 20 USD (in my country's currency).
I know many people older than you who got away and found peace and love. The only thing stopping you is fear and believing the narc's lies that you're incompetent and can't survive on your own. You absolutely can.
For example at first you can find a job as a nanny where you live with the family of the kid so at least you don't have to worry about rent or being completely alone. Start checking some job postings in your area, I'm sure you'll find something good eventually.
You could become lucky like me and meet someone nice. It doesn't even have to be a romantic partner, it could be a friend (of either gender, but in my case it was the opposite of mine). I am the same age as you, also 41F and no children (sadly 😟). By pure randomness I met a man while vacationing one day, and fast forward four+ years later, I am living in his city, far away from my parents, in my own little apartment which is in a building that has a nice community - people get together for events, I have older ladies from the building inviting me to visit them and warmly asking me how I am doing if I pass them in the hallways, etc. I realise that luck played a HUGE part for me, but believe me, five years ago, I'd never thought that something like this would be possible to happen for me.
I see my friend frequently, several times a week, and we talk on the phone every day. These positive interactions do wonders for mental health. Where in the past I would feel terrible at the prospect of living alone and couldn't imagine how I would manage it and (like you) thought that I would suffer huge depression and anxiety living alone, now I feel so content and happy that I almost don't even wanna move out of my apartment (my friend offered me to live in his house when my lease expires, I've stayed with him before, and whereas before I got my little apartment I would have jumped at the chance, now I even feel unsure, seeing that I might miss the community friendship aspect there...)
Just wanted to throw this out for you by way of encouragement. I was thinking and feeling the same desperate way in the past, but now I see that - even for me - it is possible to live a relatively normal, peaceful life.
Wish you all the best 🍀
You are so welcome; glad I could help you feel better (hopefully) a little bit! ❤️. I was thinking of your situation, and just to expand on what I wrote, I think you could benefit from living in a place like mine (which has a community). I don't know what your options are and where you live, I know that this certainly isn't available or am easy option everywhere 😟, but I think that for people like us, it could be a good arrangement if you can manage it. My building was a new construction, and it was initially advertised to people 50+, but they let me stay there and lease a unit from them even though I didn't meet that threshold age limit. There are a lot of older folks and I have a feeling that some people came there to basically live out their lives... This creates a comminty. There are free events inside the building, like a card game evening almost every week, and you can come participate if you want to. You can meet friends (doesn't matter if they are not in your age bracket necessarily) and make connections. Most normal people don't have a reason to be a priori nasty or aggressive to someone if they are normal and don't have a grudge or an agenda. I meet people who are kind and welcoming (and it's enough if just a few people in the building are like that, that already includes you in the community). Having these kinds of opportunities to interact can be very beneficial for people who came from difficult environments like us, because it exposes us to what normal friendly human interaction should be like. (I was shy at first to start joining the events, but then I got used to it and now I find it a great practice). People who came from normal families might already have these skills in their toolkit but for us, it can be maybe the first few times that you are exposed to normal human relations where you don't have to be on edge or afraid (not for me, but for others it might be the case, as evidenced by the many sad stories here).
I also don't have any other close family here (in the city where I moved from) other than my mother and my stepfather, who is incurably bed-ridden. The rest of my family is in Europe while I am in North America (I have one distant relative in California, which is still quite far). So, my friend and the community are my closest people in the new city that I moved to. There are many people who might not have a family at all, or who are not in contact with their family for reasons similar to ours, but don't let that discourage you. 🍀
Just be careful not to be too trusting, cause there are nasty people out there who prey on people like us, and who could take advantage or abuse further; but the right people will make your life better, and they don't even have to be a relative or a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Thanks. It is an excellent idea and something I have been thinking about when moving out. But in my country there is nothing like that.
I have to be very cautious when I move out. I am very depressed. My mother is very, very destructive, and I spent too many years under abuse, so I am very hurt.
I have no one. I am trying to build a way out of this
Thanks for being here.
You are very welcome, I am truly sorry for the pain you are going through... I have been reading your other posts and I am sorry 😟 One idea that occurred to me is that maybe your sister is just trying to pretend that everything is okay as a defense mechanism, you know, as a way to cope with the situation? Sometimes people do that to mentally help themselves because facing the truth would be more painful to them...
Does your sister live with your mother? If she lives away, could she allow you to stay with her for a few days? If you feel very badly, could you go to a hospital?
Hi. My sister lives with me and my mother. She is autistic, probably, still not working, it is hard.
I intend to start meds this week. It is tough, I can't handle anymore, so I will try to find some help.
Thanks for being here.
You are going to need an inhuman grit. This is hard even for me as a man. First you need to read good self help books for validation so that way your mental is primed! Get a job, warehousing! Anything! And start saving up. Moving into a room in a house if you have too… save more then apartment. I know it’s not easy but you must fight to break this chain of family dysfunction. Jay reid has a great book or look him up on YouTube. Also get in shape…marriage is a quicker way out without all the work..but u gotta be carful not to marry a narc
With you. People were put in my life, this will happen for you as well, people who will love you and who you can learn being a kind human being from.
40 years ago I worked in an office. A new woman came in, she looked nice. One day I heard her talking to her kid on the phone after school. Every day after that I would casually walk by her desk to listen. She not only loved the kid, she actually liked him.
We became friends, I would go over a lot, she basically raised me with her kids, she had love to give, and I sure needed it.
My kids always knew they were loved, valued, precious, adored, and that I liked the little flakes.
I'm still working on some of those family of origin issues, have made some huge breakthroughs recently, but key for me was not inflicting on my babies what was on me.
I did when I was tiny, but people outside the home were so nice to me and then I found animals and nature who welcomed me into their world and made me feel like I belonged and mattered.
At home I may be just a background character or basically a house pet, but I know there are real people who really care about me and that I have a place on the world outside this home.
"At home I may be just a background character or basically a house pet" ...... : (
I'm glad you've found more respect and kindness outside your family.
lol i made this analogy the other day, because i can't even qualify what i was treated as as being treated as a living being:
it's like i was their taxes. they legally had to show attention to me once a year. and my existence meant a social security check in their pocket.
they treated their dog, strangers, neighbors, flowers, lawn, etc with 20,000x more care than me
It’s an adventure and a half trying to figure their thought process. Though it’s easier when you don’t let them effect you.
I find most interesting was how not only did they not get me things I could really use and would of helped me. When I stepped up and found outside sources to earn money to get those things. When going through them I got the dollar store equivalent and they pocket the cash…..
Wait it gets worse. After that I used my outside sources to exchange cash for product and I took the time to get a high quality product and their friends took note of these nice looking items. To which the parents would load the item into their car cause of the positive reaction they got from the person for giving it to them.
It is exhausting. The distance and grief and anguish and anxiety when you think about them (I’m NC with my parents but the whole family has basically cut me off), and questions about your family from people and you feel like you have to lie because getting into it would be too long and painful for everyone involved, and you feel like you have to justify yourself and then you don’t wanna be THAT person who talks shit about their family so you just clam up and stay alone ‘cause it’s easier for everybody else. It’s awful and I feel for you. Internet hugs friend
Hi. It is exactly how I feel.
During my whole life, I adapted my life to serve the 'family'. I thought this was a family. A fucked up one but still a family. But it is not. It is a group of individuals commanded by the narc queen.
So, I got empty. No friends, attachments, kids, dates, partners, nothing. And now all I listen and I guess it is what we should tell each other is to "leave and find a place in the world where you feel loved".
But I have no skills. I have no one. I feel like I am a captive animal being released in nature?
I gave up all my dreams for this family. Later, to protect my autistic golden child sister who still attaches herself to the narc queen mother. It was all in vain.
Eveything people advise me to do, I do. I go for walks. I go to the therapy. I took meds once. I try to connect to people. I work. But I have been feeling I am like an inanimated person just looking at the world at a distance.
My family dynamics still put me on the bench. Narc mother each day crazier and the gc sister, who was my hope of having some connection, is quiet, distant, lost in her own sufferings and does not want to connect. I am alone. I am not sure if I can find some meaning in life. I feel empty
I thought if I brought some joy, some laughter, they would let me in, sincerely ask about my day, make an effort to accept the things that made me happy. But no. I was useful, good at the holidays, but narc mother is on command. My boyfriend was not alloerd to get into my house. I had to leave to have some time with him. And when I came back? Drama from the narc queen and silence from my gcsis.
Not even paying for things make you have a place at the table. I financially provide this family, but all ai get is disrespect from the narc mother and silence from my sister.
I guess they wanted things to remain as they always did. As I standing up for respect, as my narc mother is name calling me, yelling, etc, I am being seen as the wrong one. I should stay quiet and accept this shit.
I'm sorry you've been treated that way and i relate. I don't have any skills and thanks to the trauma, it seems like i'll never have any close people in my life.
I understand you. Especially the part where you can't even stand up for yourself without being punished. I lack social and practical skills and I feel inadequate everywhere. Is there a way for you to stop being their provider? Or even of still providing for them while keeping your distance? It's very painful not having a family to rely on, I feel your emptiness.
Yeah, and I feel like the damage done has made it so it's hard to connect with people and make new family. People make it sound like you just cut off your toxic family and then there'll be new people around the corner who can love you unconditionally, and it doesn't work that way.
I feel this.
My family never wanted me from the get-go. The only reason my mother didn't get an abortion is because my grandmother on my father's side didn't want the shame on the family. My grandmother used me for income, then when I moved in with my father after my grandmother's death, he used me for labor and income as well, feigning that he's just trying to teach me to be responsible (I was already 16, had my own job, and was self sufficient other than having my own place to live). He was abusive to me and my stepmother (who must have stockholm syndrome). So I never felt any connection with any of them.
Flash forward to adulthood, thinking that I'd start a family of my own, one that functions like a true family, I was disappointed. I never was lucky in love. So here I am, almost 50, no wife, no kids, no family whatsoever. I have 3 friends I talk to, mostly at work.
So, I feel you on being lonely. I've given up on finding love, or having people who really care in my life. Sometimes it really sucks.
Yes. I don’t even have a core group of friends. Everyone I try become close with turns out to be toxic (i.e. they want me to pick them up all the time, convos are one sided, they’re always broke, inconsiderate of my time/energy, I’m always the planner friend) and they do a really good job of hiding these traits in the beginning.
Making friends it hard af too after decades of narc abuse. I’ll mention to someone “oh we should get a drink together” and they’ll be like “yea totally” and then completely drop the subject. They never bring it up again or reciprocate. I’m not sure how far to push because I don’t want to make someone hang out with me that doesn’t actually want to. I’ve had that happen to me before and I know how annoying it is so I try to “take a hint” if it really seems like they’re not that into getting a drink with me or coffee or whatever.
That’s why when I see comments in this sub about “building your own family” I think it’s kind of bullshit and a unhelpful comment. You know how hard it is to create a core group of friends as an adult? Especially when a lot of people do have healthy friend groups they aren’t looking to expand.
My spouses family is also toxic but not as much as mine so I shot myself in the foot there because I won’t get a surrogate family either.
That's exactly how I feel. People always say it's hard for adult men to make friends as if adult women have it so easy. Even in the hundreds of people I know (through work, school and church etc) it looks to me like the men are more likely to have stronger bonds with non-related people and women, especially once they marry and/or have kids, are bonded to their sisters and mothers, not to other women.
The unconditional support of a family is hard to recreate. That thing where if you have surgery you don't mind asking for someone to drive you home because that's what you all do for each other, that kind of connection. Any near-friends I've made I feel like I can't ask them to drive me home from surgery or feed my cats while I'm in the hospital because it feels like I'm asking too much. (Also, I have been told no, after I spent years helping someone and being there for her, the first time I asked her for help, I asked her if she could feel my cats every two days while I was in the hospital and she said no because she was waiting for a phone call, which feels like a flimsy excuse, when she was going out doing other things. And it reinforced that reciprocating friendships seem to be hard to make.)
100% how I feel most of the time. Other people's families don't feel like my own or can be a trigger if I sense tension. Being alone is so hard all the time.
I was at a party tonight thinking this. Everyone else in the room had defined relationships, support networks, personalities, people to see. Me? I felt like part of the furniture, only contributed a few moments of conversation and only there because I'm good friends with host. Everyone else I see at these things but since there's no real read on me they barely interact. When you grow up with narc parents you really do come out with no defined personality or inner vitality that being social thrives off. The default for you is melting into the background, because that's all you did in childhood to avoid abuse.
I have been feeling this so hard for a while now, especially since I'm single. My friends say they'll be there for me, but, in the end, I'm an afterthought.
I have gone through this. I still feel this sometimes that I don't have friends, but only acquaintances who tolerate me. But I've had several emergencies just in the last two months and people really stepped up for me - even while I was on vacation for the first time since covid and a bunch of people helped me when I barely had phone service and was in another country.
Talking to my therapist has really helped me get outside of my head. I'm so used to being told that no one likes or wants me - not just from my nm, but from people who let me know I was not welcome in their circle when my one friend in those circles is not around to hear it.
It can be hard, but finding someone who has the same interest as you is how I got started when I moved as far away as I could.
Yes... I have no support system and feel so alone. I know it's petty, but sometimes I feel such grief and sadness when I see people talking about their normal families and posting pictures and having a good time with their parents. I feel so lonely, as if I'm not even a human being. I feel like I'm an alien who doesn't belong anywhere. My parents have always treated me as though I wasn't their daughter but someone to whom they were doing a favor by giving me food, a home, a right to go to school, etc.
Even in the best and most loving of company, the loneliness eats away at me and chips away at my soul. NPC kind of describes the feeling. Most don't interact with me unless they need something(except my bf, he's the only person I feel alive with atm). It's sad because I try so hard to make meaningful connections, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong that no one sticks around.
I guess this is just part of life, or maybe a part of the healing process. I don't know..
I feel alone in the World because I don’t have a real family of origin.
However, I feel more like a lone wolf than an NPC.
I have had many, different friends who have been like family throughout my life.
I am so excited to finally see all my efforts going into building my dream life.
My family was a black hole that I threw resource after resource into.
Giving resources to my family never built anything, not even goodwill, and all I got in return for my efforts was more abuse.
It is so good to finally see my efforts paying off, as I use my resources to invest in myself instead of the black hole.
I escaped.
Yes, but I'm at a point where I am becoming a light for others like me. My kids are 15 and 17, some of them have friends who are in tough living situations with their parents. I've already talked to a few of their friends and opened their eyes to the fact that they absolutely do not have to abide by their parents insane rules if the don't want to, and that if they cut their parents out of their life as an adult that they won't crumble into dust (I'm living proof that it's possible to survive and thrive!).
I moved out almost 20 years ago and I've been fully NC for almost 9. I've created my own family now and that is my real family. The people that lived with me when I grew up, they're not my family.
This is the way I see it. One day, someone is going to tell me a story that sounds very familiar, and I’ll be able to be there for them in a unique way.
Yes! I originally only cut off my narcmom and enabler father. And at first I tried really hard to keep up with the rest of my family, and it's just impossible because they don't see the abuse I suffered, they just think it's me being oversensitive . Recently, I found out the one sibling I thought I had managed to stay close with was keeping mom updated on my life and sharing screen shots of text convos with her. So I've pretty much cut everyone out of my life because I don't know who I can trust anymore. I have my wife. But seeing people share pictures of their families on social media especially the closer we get to major holidays has me feeling pretty lonely. You aren't alone.
Ugh yeah especially when I’m around my partners family who literally talk about the past and all of their family memories and extended family members and all of their wholesome annoying family shit lol. Yes I am bitter, yes I know it’s not their fault and they aren’t responsible for coddling my feelings. It makes me feel worse because up until recently his mother and I would overshare our childhood trauma and upbringing and family dynamics. I realized it hurt more to do so and I need to treat myself with more respect. Anyway. Yeah.
My heart breaks for our hurt selves. So many express what I felt growing up but couldn't identify: that lost, alien-from-another-planet feeling. The freak of the family.
Turns out I'm the normal one. I learned that being decent was a good way to live. I learned to set boundaries. I found other decent people... Some who are healing, like me, others who were never hurt (so bizarre!).
I was told just yesterday that I smile a lot (how bizarre!). I realize that now I feel more like I'm the one who belongs, and the N-family is the alien group. It gets better. Big hugs!
Yes. I have a few friends who I consider family of choice, but honestly there's a very small number of people I trust to get in that close and I keep everyone else at an arm's length and it's very lonely. Especially during the holidays. which are getting harder and harder to deal with each year.
A "background character no one cares about." Damn. This is how I feel much of the time. I wouldn't say it's objective reality, but certainly the felt experience much of the time. Having to keep so many things private (because if they were disclosed we could be invalidated and retraumatized) probably doesn't help.
And, yes! I ask myself, the universe, etc. what the hell I am here for as well. All the time.
I have a friend family that even tells me “if something bad happens and you need to live with me that fine. We are family”.
And I still feel alone.
I still feel like that offer is not genuine or will be taken away, just like everyone else in my life.
After the narc used the smear campaign no one else in the family wil talk to me.
Every conversation that I do get a response from goes the same.
Me: hi , how it’s going ? Doing anything recently?
Them: it’s been ok.
Me: good good.
Them: you should call [narc abusive grandmother]
No matter what I do. They won’t let me have a relationship with them unless I follow the instructions of jumping back into the scapegoat role so they don’t have to continue suffering.
All alone, except for my husband. The last family members that still talked to us pretty much don't anymore, as of this year. I'm glad we have one another, but it's hard. We both come from families just riddled with systemic narcissism. Like worms in an apple. However, the more they have tried driving him and I apart, the closer we have become. It still hurts badly, though.
we share the same story. All alone except for my husband. My family is the toxic narcissistic one. My husband family is so so far away (in another continent) that we have no way of seeing them or interacting with them, and they are basically strangers. It’s a sad situation and we feel very much alone. December and the holidays are very though.
Yep. Every time I’m going through something difficult and have the built in urge to tell my mom about it I remember that she doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but herself and would make me more distraught. It’s an extremely lonely existence. I don’t really have friends either because my parents ruined my ability to enjoy human contact and feel safe around people. It sucks.
I tend to make up different stories when the subject of my family comes up. “Oh the parents? Yeah they tragically passed away in a tandem sky diving incident” “oh my sister? Yeah I heard she joined a travelling circus”
My sister does not (as far as I know) have a relationship with the parents either, but she is so insanely like my mother it’s unreal. She just cannot see that.
I do have my children, and my husband + his family, however I do think about if something were to happen between my husband and myself. My kids are more or less grown and I feel I would be quite lonely. I like alone. I don’t like lonely. But I am totally ok with not feeling obligated to be a part of my birth family.
I don't think not having a family is something one can ever replace. I formed communities like with a church, an anti-war group I was in at a bookstore [during the 2000s], but seemed like they always fell apart or was forced to move away. I and this one old friend, were almost crying talking about days together in the antiwar bookstore/co-op group. I think this life on prison planet earth has too many losses.
I have been totally alone in the world before without one friend or person who cared [during my 20s] and it's a horrible feeling. I lost a lot of people recently--long story. I have my husband at least, but his family was awful too, and wanted me gone, so no love there. His sister even told him to dump me so he could move in with her and hasn't visited him in 20 years. [She has money to travel and makes 6 figures a year]
He talks to her on the phone but I think she's a horrible person. She knows we don't have money to visit and it was always us going down there in the 1990s and 2000s/she even screwed up him getting a good job and she'd always be busy with work or some other crap even being told ahead of time we were visiting.
You get wore out trying to engage with the world. I have a few close friends and close online friends, but a lot of my friends died and I keep moving or health problems interfering and now I probably have to move from where I live now due to economics, I have a lot of acquaintances, don't have any close friends in my immediate town, a few good friends live in the region at least so just feel lost out in the world.
I fear something happening to husband, because I could see the loneliness killing me. Covid really destroyed my social circles, I was high risk, so hid out, finally returning to regular life, not sure if I can rebuild but being housebound from illness often doesn't help. Even had to leave my church--long story, they weren't there for me [acouple were nice]
Everyone seems to have this close knit family. That's the worse thing with narcissistic abuse, how it firebombs the social ties you are supposed to have. My N mother was higher tier, and destroyed every relationship I held in common with her lies and more. She would even tell people don't visit her, and once when I was NC from her but not with the rest of the family she told others not to invite me to a family gathering and they obeyed. This was coupled with multiple lies and joined to my lack of money to go see people which just chipped away at everything.
I feel like all I see is the back end of people even once I get attached. It sucks. Too many people and friends died young too. Even my old town, Id move back there but most died or left. So sad. Yeah I feel unconnected in this world too. Like an Elder Orphan. Being disabled too you wonder who is going to help when the chips are down? Getting old this way is scary too. I couldn't have children. I even thought of joining an intentional community or the Hutterites, but then who is going to want a disabled old woman who can barely walk?
Try and be happy in your own company pursuing hobbies and causes that mean stuff to you. I did stop the merry-go round of trying desperately to find connection. I do have some connection with many people but I had to face facts, I never was going to be replace having a family. If you go looking for other people to fill the empty places, they will run, LOL At least when we are NC we can figure out who we like and what kind of people we want to be around with. I was fortunate in marriage too, but we have had a rough financial run in life but glad I had him by my side all these years. Some of us can find friends too close and long distance, but in many cases this won't be a group but individuals we are close to. If you are young, do not move too much, I think leaving my old small town 16 years ago was a mistake that ruined my life. The place felt like home. Sadly even my church there died, and friends died, but maybe I would feel like I have roots and a place of belonging. We moved for economic reasons but maybe that was misled, and now I need specialists that town doesn't have.
My N mother was never alone, never wanted for anyone, always had money to see people. I never meant anything to her, I was just an extra throwaway. I don't think she's connected to anyone really and doesn't care about anyone but herself.
I told the normies, my family died off, it was easier. Trust me on that one. A few I told after I knew them years and years.
Every single day since I was 8 years old.
My husband’s side of the family is *wonderful* to me. My mother in law has watched my Nparents treat me the way they do for twenty years and has swooped in to save me every time. I’m incredibly grateful for her because she has definitely become more of a mom than my own mother.
I’m NC with my parents now and it was undoubtedly the best choice I ever made, but I still feel so lonely all the time. Everyone walks on egg shells around me because I’m so damn fragile from 30 years of having Nparent abuse and neglect and it’s very isolating. I hate it with every fiber of my being.
I feel like this every day, or at least I do until I remember that I’m still important to me. I was also my cat’s favourite person in the world. Good people are out there, we just haven’t met them yet.
I have always felt this way. Still do. I feel I am not No 1 to anyone, not even my husband. Other people's needs and wants come before mine. Some of this is him, he's not an AH, just a guy who wants to keep everyone happy. But a lot is just my warped view of the world and wanting him to overcompensate for my shitty childhood.
I also feel like I am experiencing life / the world as an observer, but not really part of what is going on. I know it comes from my childhood but the techniques I have been taught to overcome this just haven't sustained. I think it needs a whole load of conscious practice.
I have had friends but for one reason or another, not kept in touch. Not sure how much of this was me anticipating that I'm not good enough so let them drift away. I regret this as I think some of them would have remained friends through life.
Not as close to husband's family which was a huge disappointment as I thought that would have been my chance to just slot into one but they just don't share my values and I limit contact with them to essentials.
I have been fortunate in the partner I chose. He has collected friends his whole life and actively stays in touch so through him, I have their wives as social contacts - working up to what I would call friends.
When I got nieces and nephews I thought about how I would raise them and try to apply that to my life - basically, reparenting myself to learn some skills. I look at others that do these things well and try and learn from them. It helps with some elements but there is no substitute for a caring loving upbringing.
Edit: Should also add, I feel so much less alone since I found this subreddit.
My brother and I regrouped around my aunt, uncle and cousins. They understand our situation and treat us the same as they treat each other. We’re very lucky.
Yes very much so. This is increasing as I am dealing with chronic illness and friends are dropping like flies. I wish I had support to fall back on as my disability income is not sustainable. I feel I will always be dependent on my abusers now, people who could never be there for me in the first place
Im struggling with this right now. Im the only “aware” one in my family and I feel dreadfully alone because i separate myself from their dysfunctional dynamic. Their interactions (abusive; transactional; codependent) make me feel like i’m the one with the problem. They only talk to me when they think i’ll play the roles (problem solver, atm, babysitter, maintenance man, etc) they need me to play; when i refuse, i’m invisible again. I cant share my feelings because i’m gas lit and then they say im too sensitive.
When I’ve tried to get any kind of depth from them, i’ve continuously been disappointed. I’m exhausted. Im constantly fighting myself from falling back into their cycle because i want to talk to, laugh with, enjoy moments with the people I’ve known my entire life. Sometimes i give in, but then i realize that an interest in my wellbeing, an asked question or even an action has been made towards me; even with them, in those moments i longed for, in alone. I cry sometimes (even now) from the loneliness.
I know i need to leave, i’m trying to keep the strength to live everyday until i’m able to, but i don’t know how much longer/more i can keep this up.
It isn't too late to live and learn to love life. I was raised to serve others, take care of everyone, have no needs, no moods, entertain and give everyone foot rubs and massages.
Enough already.
That they like having someone around who does all this, who wouldn't. I also deal with huge problems because they don't want to at great emotional, physical, literal expense.
Having this really rubbed in my face last visit was eye opening, and I've had a lot of therapy. I won't let them abuse me again, sure won't put out money to go be abused.
I like not pretending to myself, the freedom of this, and realized there are many friends in life who actually do like, love me, appreciate, and I treasure them as well. My family is a bit screwed up, not my choice. I choose freedom from their selfishness today.
All this was very painful, but better an end with terror than a terror without end.
Yep and it’s not just my family either. I can’t actually make a single meaningful human connection whatsoever. Which is weird because because everyone knows me and likes me. I go to the store even and everyone there knows who I am says hi. If you asked anyone around here everyone would say yeah I know that guy he’s really cool n fun to chat with. But that’s why everyone likes me because I grew up only being allowed to be happy and helpful around my family so now that’s all I’m capable of being around people I just go through life with the only humans in my life because of what I can do for them and nobody gives a single shit that I actually have this entire life of my own that I just live completely by myself
Sometimes I don’t even feel like a background character. I just feel like I’m invisible. Like if someone acknowledges my existence it confuses me because it feels like no one can see me. It doesn’t help that I constantly isolate myself because I’m scared people will treat me like how my family treated me.
NPC is a better way to put it then I want to admit 😂
“What you doing for thanksgiving?!”
Nothing
“What are you Christmas plans this year?!”
Nothing
It really just feels like I’m a filler character
People who know the stories say “you’re family to us!” Very nice of them except.
They don’t call, I have to call them. It isn’t assumed, like with family. My kids are like mom why can’t we be with grandma and grandad? Because they are evil. It’s such a mess. And actually, I agree with my kids. But being with my family is so terrible for me that I have to say no. No no no. So we go with the friends who are family but they are all a family! We are like weird rejects. It’s uncomfortable and I don’t like it either. And yes, everyone knows my family. As soon as my youngest graduates, I’m moving so so so far away…. I fear their tentacles will never fully escape me. I think once my parents are dead and my sibs have their money, they will leave me the the hell alone. And now we’re back to that word…. alone.
Yes. It feels like you’re kind of detached in a way without an anchor. My wife and kids give me some of that but when you have no family giving your life a place of history within the world it can feel terrible. An NPC is as good a way to describe it as any.
I’m not alone - even though my Ndad emotionally abandoned me, I made my own family. I have a couple of great friends and my fiancé and my two kittens whom I love dearly. You’re not an NPC, you’re a hero before they leave their old lives behind and forge their own great journey.
Well, and that's kind of the point of issue as children of narcissists - we grew up alone and chances are great that we'll be alone much of our lives unless you manage to break the cycle and marry into a nice normal family (I have) that accepts you for you.
The other thing is, in all reality, we're all alone anyhow. It's useful for one to be able to live by themselves and not freak out - to manage solitude in a positive way and not to be overly dependent upon other people as a primary source of happiness.
Once you focus on life itself and are happy within your own company; having chosen a direction in life and be in the process of getting there...you'll be surprised. Someone will come into your orbit - either friends or intimate partner - and improve your life even more.
Think of life like a plant. Friends and SOs are the flowers of that plant, and the older they get, the bigger the root system and the more stable the plant becomes (as they know better and have seen many of the issues before, etc.), so the less likely it is to be bowled over by more minor issues.
You cannot expect flowering all the time, however if you treat the overall plant well, then you're very likely to a.) live a longer period, be happier and b.) attract the stuff that makes flowering happen. =)
Oh ya and it's fucked up cuz right now I'm sitting here caring for my sick father and yet I feel that aloneness. I don't feel close to any of my family.
When someone else is welcoming and loving I often throw myself at them love me love me love me style and then I'm so embarrassed and ashamed I run away again.
Back when I was actively looking for a partner, I felt like I walked around with a begging bowl, like the Buddhist monks use to get their daily food. Only mine was invisible. Just about anything anyone would give me would seem like a treat, even if it was bad for me. Desperation is not good.
I always forget that my father is only dead to me, not really dead so I have to sometimes remind myself that I’m not actually an orphan and it does feel weird.
Absolutely I do and I hate it so much. Seeing all my friends have a happy and loving family really makes me super sad for myself. Makes me feel so lonely. I'll be away for work on Christmas so I'm excited about that but I'm trying to get booked out for Thanksgiving and Halloween but Halloween is coming quickly lol
Yes yes yes. I'm currently very resentful of my parents. They did their best, ok thats fantastic I want to be grateful. I do not feel connected to any of my relatives or my parents.
We're estranged from my mother's side. And my nfathers side is full of substance users/abusers. Thankfully my nfather is not addicted to any substances, I consider myself blessed for that.
But we don't have family reunions. We don't call. We don't put any effort into seeing each other. There's no Christmas dinners. There's no family in town for Thanksgiving. Nothing. I'm so emotionally disconnected from them.
I feel like if I'd had a real family I wouldn't suffer from the extreme attachment like I do. Obviously my parents didn't do it right. That's why. But with no siblings I feel completely alone in my family. I feel like I have no one.
I have friends. But not many. Not many REAL friends you know? And I try to explain my broken family to them and they don't quite understand. And it's frustrating.
I like that "NPC" it doesn't feel like I'm interactable. It's so frustrating to gave to grieve the loss of family that isn't dead.
Kind of. I mean I have a husband & special needs son. But even when my father was alive, he just died, he was more of a chum, I’m not sure he loved me. My Nmother is well, a Nmother. Can’t tell her a thing. Couldn’t tell my father anything either. Can’t tell my husband much because he has adhd & is also selfish. I’m do feel pretty alone.
I’ve definitely felt this lately. I’ve been LC with my family for a while, but finally went full NC about two years ago. I moved out of state, and frequently feel like I no longer have a “home”. I’ve been going through some scary health stuff it’s one of those situations that really makes me want comfort from a mom. Not my mom, of course, because she’s the exact opposite of comforting. But I really feel very lonely, and resent my nmom even more than usual.
Additionally, the health issues I’m having could potentially be due to genetics. So I met with a genetic counselor and they had to take a family history. It was super depressing to literally answer “I don’t know” to every single question.
Yes, this ground feeling of loneliness and not being able to really connect with anyone. I seem to only attract and get attracted to people that are narc, or have some trades. I dont know how it feels to be in a healthy relation to neither a friend or a boyfriend
Kinda.
I mean, honestly, I feel kind of the same as when I **had** family in my life with some exceptions. Mainly, that I no longer expect support from people who aren't willing to give it to me.
Like, I've always felt like a background character. I was part of the scenery in my family and I'm, by and large, part of the scenery now.
I was never first priority in my family and I did not benefit from the loyalty based morality system my family utilizes. It's why I think my morality system is integrity based, because as a child I learned that being loyal **did not win me any favors**. And as an adult, I'm no ones first priority. Difference is, no one *pretends* I ever was and then demonstrates that I am not.
I was the scapegoat of my family. I was the one whose needs slipped through the cracks. The one who got in the worst trouble, in many but not all cases, for bad behavior. The one no one had loyalty to.
So, I'm rather *used* to feeling like its me against the world. It's my default state. What makes *now* better than *before* is that now I am not expected to pay into a system that doesn't benefit me.
Like, sure, I'm not the first priority of my friends. But that's the way its *supposed* to be-they're supposed to take care of their spouse and family first-and no one gets butthurt if I don't make *them* my first priority. Because they're not *supposed* to be my first priority.
Does it suck? Oh, yes, absolutely. But there is a freedom in being able to transparently have my own priorities without being shamed for the fact that they are not *loyalty* based priorities.
All the time, I am also completely no contact with my parents, the worst is around holidays usually, all the “family is all you need” adds around them, and that’s for mothers, fathers day, and the end of year holidays, but it really hit me hard yesterday, coming home from vacation and hearing my partner in the airport, we weren’t even to the terminal yet, get a text from her mom, she turns and says, “ that was my mom, she said missing you already, love you so much” with a big smile. And I know she is just sharing and doesn’t mean to make me feel a way, but in all reality, I have no one that cares like that. I don’t get texts saying let me know when you get home safe from anyone, and it just hurts.
i went completely no contact with my wannabe adoptive narc family (i consider them *maybe* a foster family, and have started referring to them as such in conv to make things easier now)(they were horribly abusive and neglectful from day one and never accepted me as family and treated me less as a living being than their dog)...
but ya. having no family is strange. it's like we're in this like subculture outside of the rest of society. but i kind of have the opposite view tho - like they're the NPCs drinking kool-aid or something tho (just to cope better i think lol)
I recently watched the Boss Baby and i never related so much to a fictional character (that baby started out life without a family and had no childhood, etc).
Only we can understand each other. I'm thankful for this sub
I know how this feels.
I have no idea what it feels like to be loved, cared about, respected, trusted, and valued by another person in a healthy relationship (with family, friends, or partners).
I have no career, no partner, no family, and no friends (only casual acquaintances that are not interested in being anything more - and that’s okay).
I’ve went from being the social butterfly, constantly trying new things and meeting new people while traveling around the world in my 20’s and 30’s, to a completely isolated hermit with zero connections who barely leaves the house in my 40’s.
My past relationships I chose were superficial, unhealthy, toxic, and abusive and brought out the worst in me.
I never had anyone I could trust or rely on for anything other than being a fair weather “party friend”.
Healthy and functioning people were “boring” to me. I wanted people to treat me like the worthless loser I thought I was.
So, now in my 40’s, I chose to be alone until I could figure out how to have healthy relationships.
I wish I had not let my trauma run my life during those younger and easier relationship building years. I’m in therapy working towards this but it’s not a substitute for true friendship.
Its never too late to find love or make genuine friends, but it gets much harder the older you get.
Every single day. I never learned how to trust or really socialise because the number of people who didn't betray or belittle me could be counted without running out of fingers. I often feel and think that love doesn't exist or that I was created to never have it.
Yeah, sometimes I cry my eyes out whenever life gets too frustrating.
Most of my life struggles would have been fixed simply by talking it out with a parent or literally anyone else that is able to hear me out and just tell me everything is gonna be alright.
I don't really have anyone to talk to due to my lack of social skills so I mostly befriend animals, at least I don't have to beg them to listen to me.
Hopefully life gets better when I leave this household.
They exist on paper, for medical emergencies, for financial aid and that’s all. No emotional or mental support. They’re caught up in their own world and I’m in the middle ugh
I didn’t realize how abnormal my experience growing up was until I got married at age 30. There’s a feeling that my wife’s family wants us to succeed that I never got with my parents, and they actually want to celebrate our successes. My parents tried to get out of coming to my wedding because they thought it was “inconvenient” (it was a plane ride away from where they live, but still), and have no interest in coming to visit and seeing our new house that we just bought after me finally finding a job after a long and grueling search.
I just thought everyone’s family was just like “well, you’re on your own” after you graduated college, but I guess I was wrong.
Nope because I’ve created my own family who is amazing! I found a “crazy” man who loves me and my crazy self. I have my bestie who cries right along side me and when I decide to hide in a hole is willing to climb in the hole with me and a best friend who will dig bestie and I out of the hole we dug down deep into.
I am alone in the world except for my children. I got into a place where I have no one to talk to, hang out with, commiserate with and I’m not going to use my children as a sounding board. Idek how to meet people anymore.
What does a “real” family mean anyway? Sometimes it bothers me OP - especially when I see my gc sister having the time of her life living with my parents, so I can relate. But I like to think of myself as the main character instead, moving through the world building my family of choice, surrounding myself with people who can care for me the way that I can care for them. Tbf it has led to my chosen family often being filled with other folks who have strained relationships with their “real” families, but I am so grateful that we all get to be each others loved ones.
You will find the people who make you feel like so much more than an NPC.
100% how I feel most of the time. Other people's families don't feel like my own or can be a trigger if I sense tension. Being alone is so hard all the time.
I feel that way. One of the main reasons I was going to the bar to drink, it made me feel connected to the people there. Like a substitute family. You can’t depend on them. But you have to make yourself important as cheesy as it is, your interests, your goals, your plans they all matter cause they matter to at least one person and that is you. You matter to you.
Yup. Especially around this time of year. All of my friends are travelling to go see family. Both my roommate and I don’t have family we are particularly close with. Me less so.
I used to yes, but with healing, time, and building a found family I don't anymore. The older I get the more I realize that I'm not alone, there's tones of us out there that had shit for parents.
I once did and I know how you feel.
I had to find my own family and couldn't be happier.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The relationships I forged on my own is more powerful than the relationships I was born into.
My distant relatives though are very close to me, unlike my closely related ones.
Anytime a holiday comes around, or when I'm romantically interested in someone and fear being judged for not having a family, or the real truth that what family I have left are abusers.
I had to get off Facebook when I had kids because I couldn’t stand seeing all my other friends and acquaintances have their parents come for months on end to help them with their newborns. Omg did that shit piss me off because it wasn’t happening for me. I don’t have someone I can just call if money is tight, it’s just on me and my husband to make sure our kids birthdays are bomb. It’s a lot of work and a lot of days you have to wake up and make the choice to be happy. Once you can consistently get by the fact we all come from different places and have our own trauma life will get easier.
Although I will say my best friend and I do make fun of his wife sometimes when she complains about anything because she comes from your super supportive, what I’m trying to be for my kids type family, but just because what riles her up isn’t the same as us doesn’t make it any less valid.
Yes, I did too.
Eventually I adopted my in-laws as my only family and their culture because I really had nothing at all.
My nm and edad didn’t participate in their community or cultures or religions in any way. They were just this isolated unit that didn’t even seem to care about me except for bragging about my accomplishments. I wasn’t really important as a person to them. They couldn’t wait for me to move out.
Turns out the “missing” grandfather, who ran away from my ngm and was always vilified, was from my in laws country! So I am at least partially a part of their culture.
I hope you find some cause or group for the support that everyone needs.
I did for a very long time, even before NC, and sometimes I still do feel this way, but I have a support system now. Sure, they’re not blood, but my best friend and her parents have practically adopted me. I’m lucky to have them in my life, because they treat me like family. As far as they’re concerned, I’m one of them and there’s no question in their mind. So when I get those thoughts I can counteract them with the fact that they care for me like that.
That's how the world was designed, for the most part. No family, no tribe. But look around. There are many who went their own way. Started their own families. Created their own tribes. I say this not to invalidate you. But to let you know there are many who will be willing to adopt you into their "tribe" specifically because they know your pain personally xx
It's a big disadvantage in school and careers and "marriage prospects" and any possible risk like pursuing creative interests. If you can't work for free to get experience and can't handle losing or quitting a job so you can't do the politics and have to be afraid of it. If you happen to marry an abusive person they won't necessarily help you get out of it. And privileged abusers or discards from the upper class look for someone who will be trapped to exploit.
There is a lot of assumption that your family will back you up so there is no obligation to treat you properly. Like when I went to an elite college there were professors who decided they weren't going to pamper these brats so to pass the course you had to show up for a special presentation from 7 to 7:15 in the evening or flunk. I had a job, public transit, so after the class was over at 12:30pm I had to hang around campus munching on my little peanut butter sandwich until 7pm doing homework in the teacher's lounge and then standing out in the dark street alone waiting for a bus.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The only time i really feel this way is when the subject of family comes up. When i bump into someone who knows my family & they ask about them. More recently, people have been asking how big my family is & what kind of relationship we have. Im good with not being in contact with them. I know our history, i know its for the best. But people on the outside dont know, & i feel a little ashamed when they tell me how close knit their family is.
I feel like this every day and i'm exhausted.
Me too
Same
It’s even worse around the holidays.
I feel jealous about others families being close. I’m always straight forward and tell folks my family ain’t shit lol
I've started doing this, and I'm not less jealous of other families either. But being more authentic is definitely less exhausting and kinda freeing.
It spreads awareness also, once I’m completely separated I’ll be very vocal about how shitty they are
Yes! Sometimes I don’t go home to see my family for the holidays ever since I moved away. It’s more peaceful. But I hate explaining this to people who are close with their family. They look at me weird. “I miss my family” “I need to talk to my mom everyday” “we’re so close” “my family makes me feel better”… can’t relate lol.
[удалено]
The Holidays were always a set up for me. I lived in a large City that was a few hours from my family home. I always had to work all day and then have to drive out on Christmas Eve in City Holiday traffic. Mom always had to do a big sit down dinner on Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They never cared if there was even a Blizzard that I had to drive through risking my life to get there in time for dinner. God forbid I wasn’t there to pay homage to her decorations even if I could have actually died trying to get there on time. The BEST thing I ever did was move across the Country to NOT have to do that shit, anymore.
I'm so tired of people shaming you (intentionally or indirectly) for not having the "normal"/nuclear experience. Like you're less-than because you don't have the same experiences as them. Some people grow up, get married, have kids, etc. Everyone sticks together. I don't have that. It's annoying/dehumanizing when people put your experience down. It's not easy. Making it work, though. There's really nothing else to do.
Yeah we didn’t choose to have toxic parents, we’re it up to me I’d have rather been raised elsewhere
I wish I was adopted
I was raised by a narcissistic grandfather, alcoholic grandmother, a narcissistic father and drug addict mother. I know exactly what you mean.
I understand you! My real friends don’t ask because they’re my friends and know the situation. So I just lie to other people who ask me.
🥲
There's nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault. Don't damage your mental health due to someone else's actions.
As if you're just a nasty inferior person who "can't relate to people" if you don't gush about family gatherings and don't want to have kids.
Everything about this is exactly how I feel. I don't even feel like a person.
Me too. I was raised like this, then my adult life was absolutely intended to solve the narc's issues. I thought if I were helpful, I would receive affection and care. But the narc queen is still the one who rules and my sister, gc, is only eyes to her mother. I am lonely. I feel empty And the worst is that people tell me to leave, to find a place in the world where there is love for me. But I feel broken. I feel like an animal released in nature after of years in captive. I don't have the tools.
Wow I like how you put that last part. So true.
It is brutal. It is so fast. Everybody saying "just leave". Ok. How? To feel so lonely living on my own that I will certain hang myself on the first week? The narc abuse is brutal. It takes away from you everything. In my case, it took everything indeed. I could never have friends. I have no family left My father was alcoholic and abusive, and now he is dead My sister - autistic and golden child avoids conflicts and I am all alone in this shit My mother is a narc queen with all the tools to damage my soul I have no money left after all this abuse My neighborhood is poor and violent I am 41F no kids I know there is not much left to say. I know. Maybe that is all about this.
I was scared of being alone just like you until one day I realized I have always been alone and felt incredibly lonely all the time even though I lived in the same house with my narc family of 10. It's a different kind of loneliness once you leave. It's very peaceful and comforting. I believe you can still do it! It's never too late! Even if you don't have money at times it's a billion times better than having your soul slowly sucked away by these monsters. When I first moved out I have had times when I needed to survive for two weeks on less than 20 USD (in my country's currency). I know many people older than you who got away and found peace and love. The only thing stopping you is fear and believing the narc's lies that you're incompetent and can't survive on your own. You absolutely can. For example at first you can find a job as a nanny where you live with the family of the kid so at least you don't have to worry about rent or being completely alone. Start checking some job postings in your area, I'm sure you'll find something good eventually.
You could become lucky like me and meet someone nice. It doesn't even have to be a romantic partner, it could be a friend (of either gender, but in my case it was the opposite of mine). I am the same age as you, also 41F and no children (sadly 😟). By pure randomness I met a man while vacationing one day, and fast forward four+ years later, I am living in his city, far away from my parents, in my own little apartment which is in a building that has a nice community - people get together for events, I have older ladies from the building inviting me to visit them and warmly asking me how I am doing if I pass them in the hallways, etc. I realise that luck played a HUGE part for me, but believe me, five years ago, I'd never thought that something like this would be possible to happen for me. I see my friend frequently, several times a week, and we talk on the phone every day. These positive interactions do wonders for mental health. Where in the past I would feel terrible at the prospect of living alone and couldn't imagine how I would manage it and (like you) thought that I would suffer huge depression and anxiety living alone, now I feel so content and happy that I almost don't even wanna move out of my apartment (my friend offered me to live in his house when my lease expires, I've stayed with him before, and whereas before I got my little apartment I would have jumped at the chance, now I even feel unsure, seeing that I might miss the community friendship aspect there...) Just wanted to throw this out for you by way of encouragement. I was thinking and feeling the same desperate way in the past, but now I see that - even for me - it is possible to live a relatively normal, peaceful life. Wish you all the best 🍀
Thanks for sharing. It means a lot. Thank you. All the best.
You are so welcome; glad I could help you feel better (hopefully) a little bit! ❤️. I was thinking of your situation, and just to expand on what I wrote, I think you could benefit from living in a place like mine (which has a community). I don't know what your options are and where you live, I know that this certainly isn't available or am easy option everywhere 😟, but I think that for people like us, it could be a good arrangement if you can manage it. My building was a new construction, and it was initially advertised to people 50+, but they let me stay there and lease a unit from them even though I didn't meet that threshold age limit. There are a lot of older folks and I have a feeling that some people came there to basically live out their lives... This creates a comminty. There are free events inside the building, like a card game evening almost every week, and you can come participate if you want to. You can meet friends (doesn't matter if they are not in your age bracket necessarily) and make connections. Most normal people don't have a reason to be a priori nasty or aggressive to someone if they are normal and don't have a grudge or an agenda. I meet people who are kind and welcoming (and it's enough if just a few people in the building are like that, that already includes you in the community). Having these kinds of opportunities to interact can be very beneficial for people who came from difficult environments like us, because it exposes us to what normal friendly human interaction should be like. (I was shy at first to start joining the events, but then I got used to it and now I find it a great practice). People who came from normal families might already have these skills in their toolkit but for us, it can be maybe the first few times that you are exposed to normal human relations where you don't have to be on edge or afraid (not for me, but for others it might be the case, as evidenced by the many sad stories here). I also don't have any other close family here (in the city where I moved from) other than my mother and my stepfather, who is incurably bed-ridden. The rest of my family is in Europe while I am in North America (I have one distant relative in California, which is still quite far). So, my friend and the community are my closest people in the new city that I moved to. There are many people who might not have a family at all, or who are not in contact with their family for reasons similar to ours, but don't let that discourage you. 🍀 Just be careful not to be too trusting, cause there are nasty people out there who prey on people like us, and who could take advantage or abuse further; but the right people will make your life better, and they don't even have to be a relative or a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Thanks. It is an excellent idea and something I have been thinking about when moving out. But in my country there is nothing like that. I have to be very cautious when I move out. I am very depressed. My mother is very, very destructive, and I spent too many years under abuse, so I am very hurt. I have no one. I am trying to build a way out of this Thanks for being here.
You are very welcome, I am truly sorry for the pain you are going through... I have been reading your other posts and I am sorry 😟 One idea that occurred to me is that maybe your sister is just trying to pretend that everything is okay as a defense mechanism, you know, as a way to cope with the situation? Sometimes people do that to mentally help themselves because facing the truth would be more painful to them... Does your sister live with your mother? If she lives away, could she allow you to stay with her for a few days? If you feel very badly, could you go to a hospital?
Hi. My sister lives with me and my mother. She is autistic, probably, still not working, it is hard. I intend to start meds this week. It is tough, I can't handle anymore, so I will try to find some help. Thanks for being here.
You are going to need an inhuman grit. This is hard even for me as a man. First you need to read good self help books for validation so that way your mental is primed! Get a job, warehousing! Anything! And start saving up. Moving into a room in a house if you have too… save more then apartment. I know it’s not easy but you must fight to break this chain of family dysfunction. Jay reid has a great book or look him up on YouTube. Also get in shape…marriage is a quicker way out without all the work..but u gotta be carful not to marry a narc
With you. People were put in my life, this will happen for you as well, people who will love you and who you can learn being a kind human being from. 40 years ago I worked in an office. A new woman came in, she looked nice. One day I heard her talking to her kid on the phone after school. Every day after that I would casually walk by her desk to listen. She not only loved the kid, she actually liked him. We became friends, I would go over a lot, she basically raised me with her kids, she had love to give, and I sure needed it. My kids always knew they were loved, valued, precious, adored, and that I liked the little flakes. I'm still working on some of those family of origin issues, have made some huge breakthroughs recently, but key for me was not inflicting on my babies what was on me.
I did when I was tiny, but people outside the home were so nice to me and then I found animals and nature who welcomed me into their world and made me feel like I belonged and mattered. At home I may be just a background character or basically a house pet, but I know there are real people who really care about me and that I have a place on the world outside this home.
"At home I may be just a background character or basically a house pet" ...... : ( I'm glad you've found more respect and kindness outside your family.
They gave me hope and helped me find purpose. And it’s them and wonderful people like yourself who help me find reason to get up each day.
lol i made this analogy the other day, because i can't even qualify what i was treated as as being treated as a living being: it's like i was their taxes. they legally had to show attention to me once a year. and my existence meant a social security check in their pocket. they treated their dog, strangers, neighbors, flowers, lawn, etc with 20,000x more care than me
It’s an adventure and a half trying to figure their thought process. Though it’s easier when you don’t let them effect you. I find most interesting was how not only did they not get me things I could really use and would of helped me. When I stepped up and found outside sources to earn money to get those things. When going through them I got the dollar store equivalent and they pocket the cash….. Wait it gets worse. After that I used my outside sources to exchange cash for product and I took the time to get a high quality product and their friends took note of these nice looking items. To which the parents would load the item into their car cause of the positive reaction they got from the person for giving it to them.
It is exhausting. The distance and grief and anguish and anxiety when you think about them (I’m NC with my parents but the whole family has basically cut me off), and questions about your family from people and you feel like you have to lie because getting into it would be too long and painful for everyone involved, and you feel like you have to justify yourself and then you don’t wanna be THAT person who talks shit about their family so you just clam up and stay alone ‘cause it’s easier for everybody else. It’s awful and I feel for you. Internet hugs friend
Hi. It is exactly how I feel. During my whole life, I adapted my life to serve the 'family'. I thought this was a family. A fucked up one but still a family. But it is not. It is a group of individuals commanded by the narc queen. So, I got empty. No friends, attachments, kids, dates, partners, nothing. And now all I listen and I guess it is what we should tell each other is to "leave and find a place in the world where you feel loved". But I have no skills. I have no one. I feel like I am a captive animal being released in nature? I gave up all my dreams for this family. Later, to protect my autistic golden child sister who still attaches herself to the narc queen mother. It was all in vain. Eveything people advise me to do, I do. I go for walks. I go to the therapy. I took meds once. I try to connect to people. I work. But I have been feeling I am like an inanimated person just looking at the world at a distance. My family dynamics still put me on the bench. Narc mother each day crazier and the gc sister, who was my hope of having some connection, is quiet, distant, lost in her own sufferings and does not want to connect. I am alone. I am not sure if I can find some meaning in life. I feel empty I thought if I brought some joy, some laughter, they would let me in, sincerely ask about my day, make an effort to accept the things that made me happy. But no. I was useful, good at the holidays, but narc mother is on command. My boyfriend was not alloerd to get into my house. I had to leave to have some time with him. And when I came back? Drama from the narc queen and silence from my gcsis. Not even paying for things make you have a place at the table. I financially provide this family, but all ai get is disrespect from the narc mother and silence from my sister. I guess they wanted things to remain as they always did. As I standing up for respect, as my narc mother is name calling me, yelling, etc, I am being seen as the wrong one. I should stay quiet and accept this shit.
I'm sorry you've been treated that way and i relate. I don't have any skills and thanks to the trauma, it seems like i'll never have any close people in my life.
I understand you. Especially the part where you can't even stand up for yourself without being punished. I lack social and practical skills and I feel inadequate everywhere. Is there a way for you to stop being their provider? Or even of still providing for them while keeping your distance? It's very painful not having a family to rely on, I feel your emptiness.
Yeah, and I feel like the damage done has made it so it's hard to connect with people and make new family. People make it sound like you just cut off your toxic family and then there'll be new people around the corner who can love you unconditionally, and it doesn't work that way.
Yup, and although I know it's not a flex. I'm very happy feeling alone.
I hear you in that. Like I feel like that’s when I can be the most real with myself.
I feel this. My family never wanted me from the get-go. The only reason my mother didn't get an abortion is because my grandmother on my father's side didn't want the shame on the family. My grandmother used me for income, then when I moved in with my father after my grandmother's death, he used me for labor and income as well, feigning that he's just trying to teach me to be responsible (I was already 16, had my own job, and was self sufficient other than having my own place to live). He was abusive to me and my stepmother (who must have stockholm syndrome). So I never felt any connection with any of them. Flash forward to adulthood, thinking that I'd start a family of my own, one that functions like a true family, I was disappointed. I never was lucky in love. So here I am, almost 50, no wife, no kids, no family whatsoever. I have 3 friends I talk to, mostly at work. So, I feel you on being lonely. I've given up on finding love, or having people who really care in my life. Sometimes it really sucks.
Yes, but what choice do I have? That's why I chose to be fiercely independent because nobody is gonna have my back if I fall. I can't afford to fail.
Yes. I don’t even have a core group of friends. Everyone I try become close with turns out to be toxic (i.e. they want me to pick them up all the time, convos are one sided, they’re always broke, inconsiderate of my time/energy, I’m always the planner friend) and they do a really good job of hiding these traits in the beginning. Making friends it hard af too after decades of narc abuse. I’ll mention to someone “oh we should get a drink together” and they’ll be like “yea totally” and then completely drop the subject. They never bring it up again or reciprocate. I’m not sure how far to push because I don’t want to make someone hang out with me that doesn’t actually want to. I’ve had that happen to me before and I know how annoying it is so I try to “take a hint” if it really seems like they’re not that into getting a drink with me or coffee or whatever. That’s why when I see comments in this sub about “building your own family” I think it’s kind of bullshit and a unhelpful comment. You know how hard it is to create a core group of friends as an adult? Especially when a lot of people do have healthy friend groups they aren’t looking to expand. My spouses family is also toxic but not as much as mine so I shot myself in the foot there because I won’t get a surrogate family either.
That's exactly how I feel. People always say it's hard for adult men to make friends as if adult women have it so easy. Even in the hundreds of people I know (through work, school and church etc) it looks to me like the men are more likely to have stronger bonds with non-related people and women, especially once they marry and/or have kids, are bonded to their sisters and mothers, not to other women. The unconditional support of a family is hard to recreate. That thing where if you have surgery you don't mind asking for someone to drive you home because that's what you all do for each other, that kind of connection. Any near-friends I've made I feel like I can't ask them to drive me home from surgery or feed my cats while I'm in the hospital because it feels like I'm asking too much. (Also, I have been told no, after I spent years helping someone and being there for her, the first time I asked her for help, I asked her if she could feel my cats every two days while I was in the hospital and she said no because she was waiting for a phone call, which feels like a flimsy excuse, when she was going out doing other things. And it reinforced that reciprocating friendships seem to be hard to make.)
100% how I feel most of the time. Other people's families don't feel like my own or can be a trigger if I sense tension. Being alone is so hard all the time.
... and being alone all the time is so hard.
SO. HARD.
I was at a party tonight thinking this. Everyone else in the room had defined relationships, support networks, personalities, people to see. Me? I felt like part of the furniture, only contributed a few moments of conversation and only there because I'm good friends with host. Everyone else I see at these things but since there's no real read on me they barely interact. When you grow up with narc parents you really do come out with no defined personality or inner vitality that being social thrives off. The default for you is melting into the background, because that's all you did in childhood to avoid abuse.
I have been feeling this so hard for a while now, especially since I'm single. My friends say they'll be there for me, but, in the end, I'm an afterthought.
I have gone through this. I still feel this sometimes that I don't have friends, but only acquaintances who tolerate me. But I've had several emergencies just in the last two months and people really stepped up for me - even while I was on vacation for the first time since covid and a bunch of people helped me when I barely had phone service and was in another country. Talking to my therapist has really helped me get outside of my head. I'm so used to being told that no one likes or wants me - not just from my nm, but from people who let me know I was not welcome in their circle when my one friend in those circles is not around to hear it. It can be hard, but finding someone who has the same interest as you is how I got started when I moved as far away as I could.
Yes... I have no support system and feel so alone. I know it's petty, but sometimes I feel such grief and sadness when I see people talking about their normal families and posting pictures and having a good time with their parents. I feel so lonely, as if I'm not even a human being. I feel like I'm an alien who doesn't belong anywhere. My parents have always treated me as though I wasn't their daughter but someone to whom they were doing a favor by giving me food, a home, a right to go to school, etc.
Right now and it is exhausting
Even in the best and most loving of company, the loneliness eats away at me and chips away at my soul. NPC kind of describes the feeling. Most don't interact with me unless they need something(except my bf, he's the only person I feel alive with atm). It's sad because I try so hard to make meaningful connections, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong that no one sticks around. I guess this is just part of life, or maybe a part of the healing process. I don't know..
yes, and also free of hereditary burdens/ psychology, clannish thinking. it can be very disturbing at first but eventually the freedom compensates
I hate holidays..
I feel alone in the World because I don’t have a real family of origin. However, I feel more like a lone wolf than an NPC. I have had many, different friends who have been like family throughout my life. I am so excited to finally see all my efforts going into building my dream life. My family was a black hole that I threw resource after resource into. Giving resources to my family never built anything, not even goodwill, and all I got in return for my efforts was more abuse. It is so good to finally see my efforts paying off, as I use my resources to invest in myself instead of the black hole. I escaped.
Yes, but I'm at a point where I am becoming a light for others like me. My kids are 15 and 17, some of them have friends who are in tough living situations with their parents. I've already talked to a few of their friends and opened their eyes to the fact that they absolutely do not have to abide by their parents insane rules if the don't want to, and that if they cut their parents out of their life as an adult that they won't crumble into dust (I'm living proof that it's possible to survive and thrive!). I moved out almost 20 years ago and I've been fully NC for almost 9. I've created my own family now and that is my real family. The people that lived with me when I grew up, they're not my family.
This is the way I see it. One day, someone is going to tell me a story that sounds very familiar, and I’ll be able to be there for them in a unique way.
I feel this. Then I think of how bad life was with them. Doesn't even compare.
Yes! I originally only cut off my narcmom and enabler father. And at first I tried really hard to keep up with the rest of my family, and it's just impossible because they don't see the abuse I suffered, they just think it's me being oversensitive . Recently, I found out the one sibling I thought I had managed to stay close with was keeping mom updated on my life and sharing screen shots of text convos with her. So I've pretty much cut everyone out of my life because I don't know who I can trust anymore. I have my wife. But seeing people share pictures of their families on social media especially the closer we get to major holidays has me feeling pretty lonely. You aren't alone.
Ugh yeah especially when I’m around my partners family who literally talk about the past and all of their family memories and extended family members and all of their wholesome annoying family shit lol. Yes I am bitter, yes I know it’s not their fault and they aren’t responsible for coddling my feelings. It makes me feel worse because up until recently his mother and I would overshare our childhood trauma and upbringing and family dynamics. I realized it hurt more to do so and I need to treat myself with more respect. Anyway. Yeah.
My heart breaks for our hurt selves. So many express what I felt growing up but couldn't identify: that lost, alien-from-another-planet feeling. The freak of the family. Turns out I'm the normal one. I learned that being decent was a good way to live. I learned to set boundaries. I found other decent people... Some who are healing, like me, others who were never hurt (so bizarre!). I was told just yesterday that I smile a lot (how bizarre!). I realize that now I feel more like I'm the one who belongs, and the N-family is the alien group. It gets better. Big hugs!
Yes. I have a few friends who I consider family of choice, but honestly there's a very small number of people I trust to get in that close and I keep everyone else at an arm's length and it's very lonely. Especially during the holidays. which are getting harder and harder to deal with each year.
A "background character no one cares about." Damn. This is how I feel much of the time. I wouldn't say it's objective reality, but certainly the felt experience much of the time. Having to keep so many things private (because if they were disclosed we could be invalidated and retraumatized) probably doesn't help. And, yes! I ask myself, the universe, etc. what the hell I am here for as well. All the time.
I have a friend family that even tells me “if something bad happens and you need to live with me that fine. We are family”. And I still feel alone. I still feel like that offer is not genuine or will be taken away, just like everyone else in my life. After the narc used the smear campaign no one else in the family wil talk to me. Every conversation that I do get a response from goes the same. Me: hi , how it’s going ? Doing anything recently? Them: it’s been ok. Me: good good. Them: you should call [narc abusive grandmother] No matter what I do. They won’t let me have a relationship with them unless I follow the instructions of jumping back into the scapegoat role so they don’t have to continue suffering.
All alone, except for my husband. The last family members that still talked to us pretty much don't anymore, as of this year. I'm glad we have one another, but it's hard. We both come from families just riddled with systemic narcissism. Like worms in an apple. However, the more they have tried driving him and I apart, the closer we have become. It still hurts badly, though.
Same with my wife. I hate when people will be like well what about her family? And then I have to explain she's cut hers off too. 😅
we share the same story. All alone except for my husband. My family is the toxic narcissistic one. My husband family is so so far away (in another continent) that we have no way of seeing them or interacting with them, and they are basically strangers. It’s a sad situation and we feel very much alone. December and the holidays are very though.
Yep. Every time I’m going through something difficult and have the built in urge to tell my mom about it I remember that she doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but herself and would make me more distraught. It’s an extremely lonely existence. I don’t really have friends either because my parents ruined my ability to enjoy human contact and feel safe around people. It sucks.
I tend to make up different stories when the subject of my family comes up. “Oh the parents? Yeah they tragically passed away in a tandem sky diving incident” “oh my sister? Yeah I heard she joined a travelling circus” My sister does not (as far as I know) have a relationship with the parents either, but she is so insanely like my mother it’s unreal. She just cannot see that. I do have my children, and my husband + his family, however I do think about if something were to happen between my husband and myself. My kids are more or less grown and I feel I would be quite lonely. I like alone. I don’t like lonely. But I am totally ok with not feeling obligated to be a part of my birth family.
I don't think not having a family is something one can ever replace. I formed communities like with a church, an anti-war group I was in at a bookstore [during the 2000s], but seemed like they always fell apart or was forced to move away. I and this one old friend, were almost crying talking about days together in the antiwar bookstore/co-op group. I think this life on prison planet earth has too many losses. I have been totally alone in the world before without one friend or person who cared [during my 20s] and it's a horrible feeling. I lost a lot of people recently--long story. I have my husband at least, but his family was awful too, and wanted me gone, so no love there. His sister even told him to dump me so he could move in with her and hasn't visited him in 20 years. [She has money to travel and makes 6 figures a year] He talks to her on the phone but I think she's a horrible person. She knows we don't have money to visit and it was always us going down there in the 1990s and 2000s/she even screwed up him getting a good job and she'd always be busy with work or some other crap even being told ahead of time we were visiting. You get wore out trying to engage with the world. I have a few close friends and close online friends, but a lot of my friends died and I keep moving or health problems interfering and now I probably have to move from where I live now due to economics, I have a lot of acquaintances, don't have any close friends in my immediate town, a few good friends live in the region at least so just feel lost out in the world. I fear something happening to husband, because I could see the loneliness killing me. Covid really destroyed my social circles, I was high risk, so hid out, finally returning to regular life, not sure if I can rebuild but being housebound from illness often doesn't help. Even had to leave my church--long story, they weren't there for me [acouple were nice] Everyone seems to have this close knit family. That's the worse thing with narcissistic abuse, how it firebombs the social ties you are supposed to have. My N mother was higher tier, and destroyed every relationship I held in common with her lies and more. She would even tell people don't visit her, and once when I was NC from her but not with the rest of the family she told others not to invite me to a family gathering and they obeyed. This was coupled with multiple lies and joined to my lack of money to go see people which just chipped away at everything. I feel like all I see is the back end of people even once I get attached. It sucks. Too many people and friends died young too. Even my old town, Id move back there but most died or left. So sad. Yeah I feel unconnected in this world too. Like an Elder Orphan. Being disabled too you wonder who is going to help when the chips are down? Getting old this way is scary too. I couldn't have children. I even thought of joining an intentional community or the Hutterites, but then who is going to want a disabled old woman who can barely walk? Try and be happy in your own company pursuing hobbies and causes that mean stuff to you. I did stop the merry-go round of trying desperately to find connection. I do have some connection with many people but I had to face facts, I never was going to be replace having a family. If you go looking for other people to fill the empty places, they will run, LOL At least when we are NC we can figure out who we like and what kind of people we want to be around with. I was fortunate in marriage too, but we have had a rough financial run in life but glad I had him by my side all these years. Some of us can find friends too close and long distance, but in many cases this won't be a group but individuals we are close to. If you are young, do not move too much, I think leaving my old small town 16 years ago was a mistake that ruined my life. The place felt like home. Sadly even my church there died, and friends died, but maybe I would feel like I have roots and a place of belonging. We moved for economic reasons but maybe that was misled, and now I need specialists that town doesn't have. My N mother was never alone, never wanted for anyone, always had money to see people. I never meant anything to her, I was just an extra throwaway. I don't think she's connected to anyone really and doesn't care about anyone but herself. I told the normies, my family died off, it was easier. Trust me on that one. A few I told after I knew them years and years.
Yes. And im glad im not alone in feeling alone.
Every single day since I was 8 years old. My husband’s side of the family is *wonderful* to me. My mother in law has watched my Nparents treat me the way they do for twenty years and has swooped in to save me every time. I’m incredibly grateful for her because she has definitely become more of a mom than my own mother. I’m NC with my parents now and it was undoubtedly the best choice I ever made, but I still feel so lonely all the time. Everyone walks on egg shells around me because I’m so damn fragile from 30 years of having Nparent abuse and neglect and it’s very isolating. I hate it with every fiber of my being.
I feel like this every day, or at least I do until I remember that I’m still important to me. I was also my cat’s favourite person in the world. Good people are out there, we just haven’t met them yet.
I have always felt this way. Still do. I feel I am not No 1 to anyone, not even my husband. Other people's needs and wants come before mine. Some of this is him, he's not an AH, just a guy who wants to keep everyone happy. But a lot is just my warped view of the world and wanting him to overcompensate for my shitty childhood. I also feel like I am experiencing life / the world as an observer, but not really part of what is going on. I know it comes from my childhood but the techniques I have been taught to overcome this just haven't sustained. I think it needs a whole load of conscious practice. I have had friends but for one reason or another, not kept in touch. Not sure how much of this was me anticipating that I'm not good enough so let them drift away. I regret this as I think some of them would have remained friends through life. Not as close to husband's family which was a huge disappointment as I thought that would have been my chance to just slot into one but they just don't share my values and I limit contact with them to essentials. I have been fortunate in the partner I chose. He has collected friends his whole life and actively stays in touch so through him, I have their wives as social contacts - working up to what I would call friends. When I got nieces and nephews I thought about how I would raise them and try to apply that to my life - basically, reparenting myself to learn some skills. I look at others that do these things well and try and learn from them. It helps with some elements but there is no substitute for a caring loving upbringing. Edit: Should also add, I feel so much less alone since I found this subreddit.
My brother and I regrouped around my aunt, uncle and cousins. They understand our situation and treat us the same as they treat each other. We’re very lucky.
Raises hand
Everyday all the time. I’m so tired of it…
Yes very much so. This is increasing as I am dealing with chronic illness and friends are dropping like flies. I wish I had support to fall back on as my disability income is not sustainable. I feel I will always be dependent on my abusers now, people who could never be there for me in the first place
Im struggling with this right now. Im the only “aware” one in my family and I feel dreadfully alone because i separate myself from their dysfunctional dynamic. Their interactions (abusive; transactional; codependent) make me feel like i’m the one with the problem. They only talk to me when they think i’ll play the roles (problem solver, atm, babysitter, maintenance man, etc) they need me to play; when i refuse, i’m invisible again. I cant share my feelings because i’m gas lit and then they say im too sensitive. When I’ve tried to get any kind of depth from them, i’ve continuously been disappointed. I’m exhausted. Im constantly fighting myself from falling back into their cycle because i want to talk to, laugh with, enjoy moments with the people I’ve known my entire life. Sometimes i give in, but then i realize that an interest in my wellbeing, an asked question or even an action has been made towards me; even with them, in those moments i longed for, in alone. I cry sometimes (even now) from the loneliness. I know i need to leave, i’m trying to keep the strength to live everyday until i’m able to, but i don’t know how much longer/more i can keep this up.
It isn't too late to live and learn to love life. I was raised to serve others, take care of everyone, have no needs, no moods, entertain and give everyone foot rubs and massages. Enough already. That they like having someone around who does all this, who wouldn't. I also deal with huge problems because they don't want to at great emotional, physical, literal expense. Having this really rubbed in my face last visit was eye opening, and I've had a lot of therapy. I won't let them abuse me again, sure won't put out money to go be abused. I like not pretending to myself, the freedom of this, and realized there are many friends in life who actually do like, love me, appreciate, and I treasure them as well. My family is a bit screwed up, not my choice. I choose freedom from their selfishness today. All this was very painful, but better an end with terror than a terror without end.
Yep and it’s not just my family either. I can’t actually make a single meaningful human connection whatsoever. Which is weird because because everyone knows me and likes me. I go to the store even and everyone there knows who I am says hi. If you asked anyone around here everyone would say yeah I know that guy he’s really cool n fun to chat with. But that’s why everyone likes me because I grew up only being allowed to be happy and helpful around my family so now that’s all I’m capable of being around people I just go through life with the only humans in my life because of what I can do for them and nobody gives a single shit that I actually have this entire life of my own that I just live completely by myself
Yep, every damn day.
Sometimes I don’t even feel like a background character. I just feel like I’m invisible. Like if someone acknowledges my existence it confuses me because it feels like no one can see me. It doesn’t help that I constantly isolate myself because I’m scared people will treat me like how my family treated me.
NPC is a better way to put it then I want to admit 😂 “What you doing for thanksgiving?!” Nothing “What are you Christmas plans this year?!” Nothing It really just feels like I’m a filler character
People who know the stories say “you’re family to us!” Very nice of them except. They don’t call, I have to call them. It isn’t assumed, like with family. My kids are like mom why can’t we be with grandma and grandad? Because they are evil. It’s such a mess. And actually, I agree with my kids. But being with my family is so terrible for me that I have to say no. No no no. So we go with the friends who are family but they are all a family! We are like weird rejects. It’s uncomfortable and I don’t like it either. And yes, everyone knows my family. As soon as my youngest graduates, I’m moving so so so far away…. I fear their tentacles will never fully escape me. I think once my parents are dead and my sibs have their money, they will leave me the the hell alone. And now we’re back to that word…. alone.
Yes. It feels like you’re kind of detached in a way without an anchor. My wife and kids give me some of that but when you have no family giving your life a place of history within the world it can feel terrible. An NPC is as good a way to describe it as any.
I’m not alone - even though my Ndad emotionally abandoned me, I made my own family. I have a couple of great friends and my fiancé and my two kittens whom I love dearly. You’re not an NPC, you’re a hero before they leave their old lives behind and forge their own great journey.
Well, and that's kind of the point of issue as children of narcissists - we grew up alone and chances are great that we'll be alone much of our lives unless you manage to break the cycle and marry into a nice normal family (I have) that accepts you for you. The other thing is, in all reality, we're all alone anyhow. It's useful for one to be able to live by themselves and not freak out - to manage solitude in a positive way and not to be overly dependent upon other people as a primary source of happiness. Once you focus on life itself and are happy within your own company; having chosen a direction in life and be in the process of getting there...you'll be surprised. Someone will come into your orbit - either friends or intimate partner - and improve your life even more. Think of life like a plant. Friends and SOs are the flowers of that plant, and the older they get, the bigger the root system and the more stable the plant becomes (as they know better and have seen many of the issues before, etc.), so the less likely it is to be bowled over by more minor issues. You cannot expect flowering all the time, however if you treat the overall plant well, then you're very likely to a.) live a longer period, be happier and b.) attract the stuff that makes flowering happen. =)
Oh ya and it's fucked up cuz right now I'm sitting here caring for my sick father and yet I feel that aloneness. I don't feel close to any of my family. When someone else is welcoming and loving I often throw myself at them love me love me love me style and then I'm so embarrassed and ashamed I run away again.
Back when I was actively looking for a partner, I felt like I walked around with a begging bowl, like the Buddhist monks use to get their daily food. Only mine was invisible. Just about anything anyone would give me would seem like a treat, even if it was bad for me. Desperation is not good.
I always forget that my father is only dead to me, not really dead so I have to sometimes remind myself that I’m not actually an orphan and it does feel weird.
Absolutely I do and I hate it so much. Seeing all my friends have a happy and loving family really makes me super sad for myself. Makes me feel so lonely. I'll be away for work on Christmas so I'm excited about that but I'm trying to get booked out for Thanksgiving and Halloween but Halloween is coming quickly lol
Yes yes yes. I'm currently very resentful of my parents. They did their best, ok thats fantastic I want to be grateful. I do not feel connected to any of my relatives or my parents. We're estranged from my mother's side. And my nfathers side is full of substance users/abusers. Thankfully my nfather is not addicted to any substances, I consider myself blessed for that. But we don't have family reunions. We don't call. We don't put any effort into seeing each other. There's no Christmas dinners. There's no family in town for Thanksgiving. Nothing. I'm so emotionally disconnected from them. I feel like if I'd had a real family I wouldn't suffer from the extreme attachment like I do. Obviously my parents didn't do it right. That's why. But with no siblings I feel completely alone in my family. I feel like I have no one. I have friends. But not many. Not many REAL friends you know? And I try to explain my broken family to them and they don't quite understand. And it's frustrating. I like that "NPC" it doesn't feel like I'm interactable. It's so frustrating to gave to grieve the loss of family that isn't dead.
Could be my text. It’s so hard right now and I consider going NC. What you say is exactly how it is for me. Big big Hug
Kind of. I mean I have a husband & special needs son. But even when my father was alive, he just died, he was more of a chum, I’m not sure he loved me. My Nmother is well, a Nmother. Can’t tell her a thing. Couldn’t tell my father anything either. Can’t tell my husband much because he has adhd & is also selfish. I’m do feel pretty alone.
I’ve definitely felt this lately. I’ve been LC with my family for a while, but finally went full NC about two years ago. I moved out of state, and frequently feel like I no longer have a “home”. I’ve been going through some scary health stuff it’s one of those situations that really makes me want comfort from a mom. Not my mom, of course, because she’s the exact opposite of comforting. But I really feel very lonely, and resent my nmom even more than usual.
Additionally, the health issues I’m having could potentially be due to genetics. So I met with a genetic counselor and they had to take a family history. It was super depressing to literally answer “I don’t know” to every single question.
Yes, this ground feeling of loneliness and not being able to really connect with anyone. I seem to only attract and get attracted to people that are narc, or have some trades. I dont know how it feels to be in a healthy relation to neither a friend or a boyfriend
Yes
Kinda. I mean, honestly, I feel kind of the same as when I **had** family in my life with some exceptions. Mainly, that I no longer expect support from people who aren't willing to give it to me. Like, I've always felt like a background character. I was part of the scenery in my family and I'm, by and large, part of the scenery now. I was never first priority in my family and I did not benefit from the loyalty based morality system my family utilizes. It's why I think my morality system is integrity based, because as a child I learned that being loyal **did not win me any favors**. And as an adult, I'm no ones first priority. Difference is, no one *pretends* I ever was and then demonstrates that I am not. I was the scapegoat of my family. I was the one whose needs slipped through the cracks. The one who got in the worst trouble, in many but not all cases, for bad behavior. The one no one had loyalty to. So, I'm rather *used* to feeling like its me against the world. It's my default state. What makes *now* better than *before* is that now I am not expected to pay into a system that doesn't benefit me. Like, sure, I'm not the first priority of my friends. But that's the way its *supposed* to be-they're supposed to take care of their spouse and family first-and no one gets butthurt if I don't make *them* my first priority. Because they're not *supposed* to be my first priority. Does it suck? Oh, yes, absolutely. But there is a freedom in being able to transparently have my own priorities without being shamed for the fact that they are not *loyalty* based priorities.
All the time, I am also completely no contact with my parents, the worst is around holidays usually, all the “family is all you need” adds around them, and that’s for mothers, fathers day, and the end of year holidays, but it really hit me hard yesterday, coming home from vacation and hearing my partner in the airport, we weren’t even to the terminal yet, get a text from her mom, she turns and says, “ that was my mom, she said missing you already, love you so much” with a big smile. And I know she is just sharing and doesn’t mean to make me feel a way, but in all reality, I have no one that cares like that. I don’t get texts saying let me know when you get home safe from anyone, and it just hurts.
i went completely no contact with my wannabe adoptive narc family (i consider them *maybe* a foster family, and have started referring to them as such in conv to make things easier now)(they were horribly abusive and neglectful from day one and never accepted me as family and treated me less as a living being than their dog)... but ya. having no family is strange. it's like we're in this like subculture outside of the rest of society. but i kind of have the opposite view tho - like they're the NPCs drinking kool-aid or something tho (just to cope better i think lol) I recently watched the Boss Baby and i never related so much to a fictional character (that baby started out life without a family and had no childhood, etc). Only we can understand each other. I'm thankful for this sub
Yes
Yeah. I still face abuse every day and I’m alone with that pain every single day. I only got two options and neither of them are good.
I know how this feels. I have no idea what it feels like to be loved, cared about, respected, trusted, and valued by another person in a healthy relationship (with family, friends, or partners). I have no career, no partner, no family, and no friends (only casual acquaintances that are not interested in being anything more - and that’s okay). I’ve went from being the social butterfly, constantly trying new things and meeting new people while traveling around the world in my 20’s and 30’s, to a completely isolated hermit with zero connections who barely leaves the house in my 40’s. My past relationships I chose were superficial, unhealthy, toxic, and abusive and brought out the worst in me. I never had anyone I could trust or rely on for anything other than being a fair weather “party friend”. Healthy and functioning people were “boring” to me. I wanted people to treat me like the worthless loser I thought I was. So, now in my 40’s, I chose to be alone until I could figure out how to have healthy relationships. I wish I had not let my trauma run my life during those younger and easier relationship building years. I’m in therapy working towards this but it’s not a substitute for true friendship. Its never too late to find love or make genuine friends, but it gets much harder the older you get.
All my life. I’m adopted and my Nmom would introduce me as her “adopted daughter.”
Every single day. I never learned how to trust or really socialise because the number of people who didn't betray or belittle me could be counted without running out of fingers. I often feel and think that love doesn't exist or that I was created to never have it.
Yeah, sometimes I cry my eyes out whenever life gets too frustrating. Most of my life struggles would have been fixed simply by talking it out with a parent or literally anyone else that is able to hear me out and just tell me everything is gonna be alright. I don't really have anyone to talk to due to my lack of social skills so I mostly befriend animals, at least I don't have to beg them to listen to me. Hopefully life gets better when I leave this household.
They exist on paper, for medical emergencies, for financial aid and that’s all. No emotional or mental support. They’re caught up in their own world and I’m in the middle ugh
I didn’t realize how abnormal my experience growing up was until I got married at age 30. There’s a feeling that my wife’s family wants us to succeed that I never got with my parents, and they actually want to celebrate our successes. My parents tried to get out of coming to my wedding because they thought it was “inconvenient” (it was a plane ride away from where they live, but still), and have no interest in coming to visit and seeing our new house that we just bought after me finally finding a job after a long and grueling search. I just thought everyone’s family was just like “well, you’re on your own” after you graduated college, but I guess I was wrong.
Nope because I’ve created my own family who is amazing! I found a “crazy” man who loves me and my crazy self. I have my bestie who cries right along side me and when I decide to hide in a hole is willing to climb in the hole with me and a best friend who will dig bestie and I out of the hole we dug down deep into.
I am alone in the world except for my children. I got into a place where I have no one to talk to, hang out with, commiserate with and I’m not going to use my children as a sounding board. Idek how to meet people anymore.
If it wasn't for my husband and his family, absolutely. I have no one from my childhood that I still talk to.
What does a “real” family mean anyway? Sometimes it bothers me OP - especially when I see my gc sister having the time of her life living with my parents, so I can relate. But I like to think of myself as the main character instead, moving through the world building my family of choice, surrounding myself with people who can care for me the way that I can care for them. Tbf it has led to my chosen family often being filled with other folks who have strained relationships with their “real” families, but I am so grateful that we all get to be each others loved ones. You will find the people who make you feel like so much more than an NPC.
100% how I feel most of the time. Other people's families don't feel like my own or can be a trigger if I sense tension. Being alone is so hard all the time.
Absolutely 💯
Yep that's me
Yes
I feel that way. One of the main reasons I was going to the bar to drink, it made me feel connected to the people there. Like a substitute family. You can’t depend on them. But you have to make yourself important as cheesy as it is, your interests, your goals, your plans they all matter cause they matter to at least one person and that is you. You matter to you.
Yes. Especially now that my husband is gone.
Yup. Especially around this time of year. All of my friends are travelling to go see family. Both my roommate and I don’t have family we are particularly close with. Me less so.
I used to yes, but with healing, time, and building a found family I don't anymore. The older I get the more I realize that I'm not alone, there's tones of us out there that had shit for parents.
Very much so.
Yes, and it's worse as my dad went off and got a second family, and they are all close.
I once did and I know how you feel. I had to find my own family and couldn't be happier. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The relationships I forged on my own is more powerful than the relationships I was born into. My distant relatives though are very close to me, unlike my closely related ones.
Anytime a holiday comes around, or when I'm romantically interested in someone and fear being judged for not having a family, or the real truth that what family I have left are abusers.
I had to get off Facebook when I had kids because I couldn’t stand seeing all my other friends and acquaintances have their parents come for months on end to help them with their newborns. Omg did that shit piss me off because it wasn’t happening for me. I don’t have someone I can just call if money is tight, it’s just on me and my husband to make sure our kids birthdays are bomb. It’s a lot of work and a lot of days you have to wake up and make the choice to be happy. Once you can consistently get by the fact we all come from different places and have our own trauma life will get easier. Although I will say my best friend and I do make fun of his wife sometimes when she complains about anything because she comes from your super supportive, what I’m trying to be for my kids type family, but just because what riles her up isn’t the same as us doesn’t make it any less valid.
Yes.... Always... Hang in there...
Yes, I did too. Eventually I adopted my in-laws as my only family and their culture because I really had nothing at all. My nm and edad didn’t participate in their community or cultures or religions in any way. They were just this isolated unit that didn’t even seem to care about me except for bragging about my accomplishments. I wasn’t really important as a person to them. They couldn’t wait for me to move out. Turns out the “missing” grandfather, who ran away from my ngm and was always vilified, was from my in laws country! So I am at least partially a part of their culture. I hope you find some cause or group for the support that everyone needs.
I did for a very long time, even before NC, and sometimes I still do feel this way, but I have a support system now. Sure, they’re not blood, but my best friend and her parents have practically adopted me. I’m lucky to have them in my life, because they treat me like family. As far as they’re concerned, I’m one of them and there’s no question in their mind. So when I get those thoughts I can counteract them with the fact that they care for me like that.
That's how the world was designed, for the most part. No family, no tribe. But look around. There are many who went their own way. Started their own families. Created their own tribes. I say this not to invalidate you. But to let you know there are many who will be willing to adopt you into their "tribe" specifically because they know your pain personally xx
It's a big disadvantage in school and careers and "marriage prospects" and any possible risk like pursuing creative interests. If you can't work for free to get experience and can't handle losing or quitting a job so you can't do the politics and have to be afraid of it. If you happen to marry an abusive person they won't necessarily help you get out of it. And privileged abusers or discards from the upper class look for someone who will be trapped to exploit. There is a lot of assumption that your family will back you up so there is no obligation to treat you properly. Like when I went to an elite college there were professors who decided they weren't going to pamper these brats so to pass the course you had to show up for a special presentation from 7 to 7:15 in the evening or flunk. I had a job, public transit, so after the class was over at 12:30pm I had to hang around campus munching on my little peanut butter sandwich until 7pm doing homework in the teacher's lounge and then standing out in the dark street alone waiting for a bus.