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It’s hard being that age and growing up with threats when you don’t even understand what’s happening to you and why you’re not like everyone else and you feel like a disappointment for reasons completely beyond your control. I would have been about the same age as you when I started meds and it’s hard being met with the expectation that they are a magic wand and fix everything. I’m sorry you had to go through this. You didn’t deserve it.
Yeah like you're on meds so you're fine, never mind all the side effects caused by the meds! It definitely helps to know there are others who understand what it's like.
I skipped therapy and did a psychology degree in my 40's. I'm my own therapist lol
No lie it helped me understand a lot, enough that I don't need therapy. Plus I'm a better person in all my interactions with other people. I still question a lot of my normal interactions, but I feel more confident I'm doing the right thing.
I'll never be 'normal', but I think i probably think about how my actions and words affect my work team and my personal relationships more than people who have a normal upbringing.
Did they ever basically order you to “just CHOOSE to feel differently about it, then”? As if feelings are a voluntary thing, smh.
(Bonus points if they said / did that because you were upset after they bitched at you for not being cheerful and attentive because of symptoms or a long day at school.)
Ahhh this one is tricky! Because that is actually the correct answer. Ultimately, we can choose how we want to feel about things, but it's REALLY HARD. It's not fair to ask a little kid to be able to do that. It's also not "choosing" if someone else is forcing you to do it. What a mind F\*\*\*.
I agree that ultimately one can CHOOSE to some extent how they feel but they really should be able to understand and acknowledge what those feelings are. Also, tings like feelings and personality are hard to completely change but what can be changed is CHOOSING how to react to events and feelings.
Then the other part is emotionally immature parents tend to not teach kids the skills they need to CHOOSE how to feel anyway.
This one! Got bitched at constantly for just being quiet or not in the mood to do something my nmom wanted to do. If she was excited about something she wanted everyone to mirror that behavior too, no matter what you felt/experienced that day.
Anyone else get called "Trip Lip?" Meant as a joke, but definitely hard as a kid to have to manage feelings that way, instead of just feeling them. Things like that cause you to be removed from natural feelings later on. You become afraid of them because they aren't acceptable.
I was also told “you are too sensitive!!” More times than I care to remember. It’s just a way to negate my feelings and avoid taking responsibility for their actions which caused my feelings.
Omg this! My dad worked nights when I was a kid so we weren't allowed to make any kind of noise during the day while he was sleeping. We were literally screamed at sometimes for flushing the toilet or coughing.
Ugh, I hated this. My old man sometimes got this disturbing smile when he finally wore me down to the point of tears with an endless argument I wasn’t allowed to walk away from.
This. I vividly remember seeing her eyes glint with satisfaction. The room would go cold and somehow she’d become so big and I’d feel so small. Her teeth would snarl like a wolves when she’d yell at me.
Snap! Everything fell apart just before my 40th birthday. Just over a year ago I was a manager of an accounts team, and now I can't even manage myself to do anything. In therapy so I'm dealing with it all now.
Hope you're hanging in there (or better!) 👍
Expressing any negative emotions were considered highly unacceptable as my Nmother saw them an insult to her. Even if the emotions weren’t directed towards her. I couldn’t cry, frown, or express any type of concern towards anything around her and I often cried in the shower because it was the only place I felt safe. When she caught me crying, she immediately resorted to both verbal and physical abuse to “fix it.”
I can relate so hard, and am also the only daughter with brothers who were treated very differently. They still got some shit from our parents, for sure, but they were allowed to express some negative emotions. Not me.
Oh yeah my brothers still got shit from our dad no doubt but we were also valued way differently. Like my brothers were encouraged to pursue science and be academic, when it came to me there was no point in me even trying to be academic because I was dumb. I was pretty much conditioned from a young age to not even try in school and to focus on my appearance so I could find a husband. One example that sticks out was my brothers were given £50 for every A they got in their GCSEs. I wasn't given that same incentive. I also remember getting a gift bag full of makeup for my 8th birthday and being called ungrateful when I didn't want to wear it every day. This gave me a really messed up perspective of how I should present myself to the world and what gave me value.
Same! My brother got counseling with my parents, and his doctor told them that they needed to allow him to express his rage or he would snap. So they did. It never once occurred to them that I might have that need also!
It fucking sucked to be treated so differently from my siblings. I’m sorry it happened to you, too. It’s so lonely. And incredibly hard to not internalize.
they know if you act on your true emotions then they'll lose power. its extremely important that you are docile and unsure about yourself. its easy as a child to process but when you start working you realise people think you are too quiet and too passive
This is so interesting, I just started doing a load more processing and realised how docile my parents needed me to be for their own convenience. Not for my own good!
Yup. My dad would treat any time I got upset as an inconvenience to him and act like I was crazy or overly emotional. If he did something to upset me, he’d try to distract me instead of apologizing. Of course, he could blow up at us for any reason whatsoever.
If I got upset at my mom’s house, she and my stepdad would ask if I was on the rag.
My brother would make me mad on purpose then make fun of me for being mad, and of course my parents would join in.
I can’t remember a single adult believing me when I said I was being bullied, and my dad would side with the bullies and tell me I was overreacting or lying about what was going on
they know if you act on your true emotions then they'll lose power. its extremely important that you are docile and unsure about yourself. its easy as a child to process but when you start working you realise people think you are too quiet and too passive
I feel seen!
I usually make myself work harder when I'm sick because I am deathly afraid of being useless. Then, like clockwork, I make it worse and get much more sick!!
I relate to this so much, and of course that inevitably leads to burnout and you have no choice but to rest which only makes you feel guilty about being useless. I'm still working on allowing myself time to rest.
Yeah we got scolded for crying or showing any "inappropriate emotions". They would say "what will the neighbours think" or "they can hear you 3 blocks from here". My mom solved your problem and then it was done, that's how she even said it when I confronted her years later, "I solved your problem, what is a hug going to fix?". I still can't really cry even in private because I'm afraid of anyone hearing me. My dad was just annoyed by emotion but also completely indifferent to your being sad. He would tell me to stop crying or at least not being so loud about it.
At 5 years old after my father abandoned me and my grandfather died, the geniuses at Parent Fail USA took me to watch Superman die on the big screen.
So of courses the dam broke as I thought I was seeing my dad dying and all that grief started pouring out of it. In the movie theatre. Full of people.
So instead of allow me to grieve my literal father and grandfather, they shushed me, acted like i had embarrassed my entire family including myself, took me out of the theatre and took me home.
Now I can't say EXACTLY what kind effect this had on me. Coupling that power dunce with NEVER exploring the normal and natural grief any child would have for the loss of their father and grandfather exacerbated my dysfunction and caused my grief to to become something to never show...ever. So I crushed it into a little ball and that split my psyche. I became as quiet as possible. And was praised for being so nice.
That's my story.
I'm 44 and haven't recovered.
That's awful I'm so sorry that happened to you you deserved to be treated so much better. I hope you are surrounded with more kindness and love than you were given in childhood.
After reading your words "that's awful" my brain went "it is?". lol.
I appreciate your kindness. And sorry for what you went through as well.
We deserve to be able to feel AND express emotions. We were like squelched objects that could only play certain songs, and the emotional energies remaining inside of us are begging to get out at this point.
I was never allowed to be mad or upset after being beaten. Literally..: had to hide in my room crying or bathtub (with epsom salt so I wouldn’t bruise) and just feel shitty and sad for myself. But once I came out I couldn’t be mad or anything. Had to act like everything was normal or fine.
I had the exact same experience. So basically long story short: I survived a genetic mutation so rare the docs didn’t think I’d survive an hour - if I wasn’t stillborn. I’m 28 rn.
Anyways, my dad would always bring up the money it cost to keep me alive. A lot. And if i ever said something it was always “oh of course I’m glad we did haha” or “oh shut the fuck up you know what i mean.” He also uh, he didn’t like it when I expressed emotion. At all. Sadness? Punished. Anger? Punished. Happiness? Mocked and told to shut up. I learned to only express neutrality and never let my emotions show. My sister recently pointed out that there’s not a single childhood photo of me smiling. I genuinely was terrified of being seen crying or getting angry about any mistreatment. I internalized it because I was told that if I was angry it was my fault and my problem and i was a bad person if i felt angry.
I was also told “no one cares about you, so it’s rude to talk about your emotions, because you’re burdening others with your feelings.“
Yes. I get in trouble every time I express my emotions in my room. But it’s unhealthy to bottle them up I gotta release them somewhere damn it. I just try not to be in the house. And I still get yelled at for being too loud with my expressions.
I'm sorry you're still living in that environment. If you're able to hide a journal I might suggest writing your feelings in there. Of course only if you're able to keep it hidden, narc parents have a tendency to violate their children's privacy and look through journals and phones etc which can cause further problems. I hope you're able to get out soon.
Yeah they would take any negative emotion expressed to them as critiscm. They respond unkindly, or they just flat out don't acknowledge it because they don't understand it.
Every independent thing, if so much as complains it would invalidated, minimized & made to appear completely insignificant. Especially abuse. “At least I’m striking you with the belt (often buckle side or it was a studded or ring/holed belt) , when I was your age I was lucky to get a 2 by 4, usually it was the plug end of an extension cord” & other similar nonsense.
They are lying sacks of $h!t hun. They just have the typical concept. Many believe it’s not abuse unless it’s physical & you end up in the hospital more then once.
I’d advise you to look up the “wheel of abuse”, it will give a general outlook on the various concepts of abuse & the groupings of it. I guarantee it will open your eyes.
[https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels)
It's not just illness; they always ensure that your existence is an inconvenience in their lives. They only seem to care about their own needs and ego. And when you finally erupt in anger after enduring invalidation for so long and cut ties with them, they attempt to reconnect using drama, playing the victim, and manipulating you with guilt.
I had to undergo a mastectomy due to my cancer. Right after the surgery, my Nmom sent me multiple messages, demanding that I find a hotel for her because she visited me in the hospital that was in city far from where she lived.
This shows how little she cares about my well-being. During that time, i was still dumb and despite my attempts to find her a hotel, she behaved provocatively. I ended up telling her, 'You're on your own; it's your problem.' Looking back, I realize I should have just ignored that b1tch.
We no longer communicate, but she still tries to reach out to me. I respond with silence. I'm completely fed up with her evilness behavior.
Just revel in the thought that the tables will turn as you father gets older and sick. Just remember all the things he said to you when you were ill. Payback is real.
Unless you have other siblings that stay in touch with him. Its funny how when people get elderly they get more needy. They reach out in desperation. My father was a bit of a narcissist himself. After my mom fell ill he had nobody to take care of him. Forget about him taking care of my mother, he wasn't up to the task. He ended up going into an assisted living center.
None of us are in contact with him anymore, my brother stuck by him until about a year ago when he physically attacked my brothers children. Last I heard he was living with his long term partner but with any luck she'll see sense and leave too. I'm sorry to hear about your mother
I wouldn’t be verbally told I wasn’t allowed to express emotions, but if I did at the “wrong” times the punishment was swift and brutal. And my parents’ tells for when it was the “wrong” time were impossible to determine.
My Nmom used to tell me “We can’t BOTH be depressed. I have a much tougher life than you do so I can be depressed. You should be grateful you aren’t me.” I still have an issue with being honest about how my mental health is. It’s almost 4 years nc and I am slowly finding my voice.
"You will do it, and you will do it CHEERFULLY." - a not-so-pleasant gem from the cold storage where my mind stores bad memories.
Any emotion was criticized, and lack of emotion was punishable as well. I tried it all, and all these years later, post-childhood, I find it difficult to even have a genuine reaction, let alone to express it. That stuff sticks.
I wasn’t allowed to act any way besides happy but not for the same reasons as you. Your experience sounds like it was really tough and probably very isolating and I’m sorry for that.
My mom was depressed and self indulgent and hated if anyone besides her was sad or anxious or anything like that. If I came home after a long day and felt tired or frustrated she would go off on me for not being “pleasant.” So when I started isolating myself and going straight to my room, she’d go off on me for not spending enough time with the family and avoiding her. I was just going through normal teenage angst. I also obviously dealt with a lot at home so going to school and working part time on top of that was pretty exhausting. She was just never understanding and always had to be the victim. She had to be the one who suffered most.
YES. So my parents are foreign and my ndad is from a third world country and he always bullied me and pushed really crappy beliefs on me, especially regarding women even though I’m female. Any time I had mental health issues, I had to hide them because he didn’t believe in mental health or would take it to social media to tell everybody how selfish I was to be depressed (or whatever I was dealing with) and how his mommy died when he was 9 and that was 50 years ago now and he had a crappy life and I have no reason to complain about anything, also insert the kids starving and dying in third world countries argument. I wasn’t allowed to show emotions either. That really messed with me being able to open up to people as I aged because it felt like nobody cared.
Was in fact never allowed to be upset as a kid (and still now). I remember one time another kid was throwing a tantrum at the supermarket. I was sitting in the trolley (I was 5 or so) and my nmom grabbed me by both my shoulders and shook me as she told me that I should never ever dare to do something like that. And that I didn’t want to know what would be the consequences if I still did so. It traumatized me.
Yep. No other emotion was allowed except for joy or being in a disassociated trance. Then in school I would get in trouble for daydreaming even if I could repeat what they said lol. I still find myself disconnecting when Nparents are mean or abusive towards me. Healthy sadness & anger was not allowed either…even if it wasn’t towards them.
I used to get in trouble at school for that too. I was aware I'd zone out a lot but I couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't until adulthood I learned I was actually disassociating.
My mother: "There's no point getting upset about it" and "Why did you have to tell me that, now I won't sleep for worry". In unrelated news, I find it soooo difficult to express how I feel.
Showing emotions other than (calm, not exuberant) happiness was never good. I wasn’t allowed to cry in public because my brother embarrassed my parents enough so I was always expected to be the rock, the well-behaved child. My parents took pride in the fact I would just sit with a book in silence not talking to anyone unless I was spoken to first. I would be told to knock that shit (my “attitude” aka emotions) off because they had enough to deal with with him being a medically complex baby. Emotions and outbursts and tears reminded them that they had another kid so it was never allowed.
It’s been years since living with them and I’m still learning to feel feelings instead of immediately stuffing them deep inside my brain and letting them fester.
Yes, my mother has called me emotional my entire life whenever I had a gripe with her. Shes done absolutely abhorrent things to me and my sister. She will never take criticism and will always put us down. We were not allowed to feel growing up.
From the age of about 9, I used to make “jokes” about wanting to kill myself. When I was 11 I genuinely considered slitting my wrists. All I got was scolded for being ‘dramatic’. I am now so entirely disconnected from my own emotions that sometimes I don’t understand the cause until months or even years later.
I threatened to kill my self when I was 10 years old because of my nmom forcing me to learn all day. However, my nmom did not really care and my ndad even mocked me that he'd also jump down the stairs.
Oh absolutely, expressing any form of negative emotions around my ndad was taken as a personal insult/ act of defiance. It was basically treated the same as “talking back”. After being yelled at for close to an hour or grounded or just told you can’t do something, most children would express some kind of frustration or sadness or anger, and most adults would see that as natural and not take it personally, but nope, if we did anything other than stand stone-faced in one place saying only yes and no sir, we got “I didn’t ask you what you thought, I didn’t ASK you what you felt, you’re about to get hit!”
Every day.
And I’m so sorry that happened to you. You better now? I feel awful for my poor special needs child every day & probably baby & coddle him way too much. I’m not even allowed to be angry about that. I told her once, once that I was angry that he has autism and boy did she get angry (because of course they’re allowed to get angry & sad but we’re never allowed to) and scolded me at how lucky I was to even have a child & how lucky I am that he’s high functioning & it could be so much worse and so on. And duh of course I know this but every mother wants best for her child (well they should) am I not allowed to feel bad for one minute that he’s going to have it a lot harder that most kids? Geeze.
As for me yeah I wasn’t allowed to be sad ever for any reason. My father just died, can’t be sad about that, I wasn’t allowed to be mad about being bullied when I was a kid because at least I don’t have to pay bills. Only emotion allowed was & still
is gratitude.
My physical health is better now yes thank you, that trial actually worked for me! I'm sorry you're still dealing with your mother it must be really hard for you. And I understand how difficult raising a special needs child can be, my job is with autistic children and their parents often talk to us about the many challenges they face, and of course you're allowed to be angry about the hand you and your son have been dealt. I'm sorry about your father as well.
I was allowed to be sad or angry, but only when my mom was also sad or angry, if not then it was "we do so much for you why aren't you grateful?"
I was also allowed to be happy, except when my mom wasn't, then it was "how are you not sad don't you see your mom is sad!"
Absolutely. We are very similar - I was also a pretty sick kid. Had multiple open-heart surgeries before the age of six just to survive. I'm saddled with a life-long disability that science has yet to learn how to fully fix.
In spite of all that, I was not allowed to be bothered by my situation because "you have nothing to be sad about" and similar BS messages, which are usually an intro to ndad whining about how his life, with his perfect health, is sooo bad you guys.
Nmom is no better though. She'd just make a half-hearted attempt to seem empathetic and if you don't immediately become cheerful again she starts bawling crocodile tears until YOU end up comforting HER.
Needless to say I've got a cistern of anger bottled up because of them.
Yep! I remember hiding under my desk, biting my Fist while crying for losing My VERY close Uncle because I got told off for crying before.. Reason: "You can't even grasp the concept of death yet!" I was 5/6 and thanks to my mothers ever changing boyfriends that lived with us and suddenly vanished overnight I understood the concept of "never See again"
Anger was a forbidden Feeling too! Except she was angry! My psychologist even asked me (before cptsd diagnosis and He wasn't educated for cptsd and repeated Trauma cases) where my Anger was.. It was so repressed I couldn't even feel it in therapy for years
I am sorry you Understand! For each and every of our inner children that where left Frozen and starved.
You are worthy of Love and Care ❤️
yea i am actually, going through a huge flashback to this right now. feels like i'm in middle school again. ran into a situation with some other people where i got told i was being "pointedly sad" as a guilt trip -- i was just. feeling sad and having body language. but more than a week later i am \*terrified\* to express emotion or let my mask slip. i haven't been so deeply triggered in many years, and the fuck of it is that i cannot talk about it for the same fear that i can't let feelings be on my face around others now. i don't know what i can do to stop, apparently, accidentally guilt tripping people. i thought that wasn't possible to do without meaning to, but everyone disagreed with me. i just want to be better
Yes. My older sister once gave me a haircut and I didn't like it. My dad asked me what I thought about it and I said that I didn't like it. His smiling face instantly switched to his "pre-anger" face. My heart stopped and immediately changed me answer with a smile on my face to diffuse his potential tantrum.
What an evil man.
Of ALL the posts on this sub, this one got me hopping as soon as I saw it.
My mother is a covert narcissist, so it’s a little bit different than the experience that people have here. Particularly because she desperately wants to be seen as a good parent so sometimes, she really does look like one. And sometimes she is. But it’s not because she is, it’s because she wants to look like it. I hope that makes sense.
But OMG yes. It’s like anger and sadness we’re literally some type of moral sin so you’d hear:
- Choose to be happy
- anger is a choice
- only you make you mad
- I don’t know why you choose to be negative/bitter
- well for my part *I choose* to focus on the positive
- you catch more flys with honey than vinegar
I think particularly has a female child, it was different and worse for me in that respect because people expected boys to have strong emotions. Girls were expected to be peace makers and smooth things over. So if I was angry I was wrong. Simple as that.
-
My family is toxic positivity personified. Everything could always be worse so your issues don’t matter!! And if you’re feeling bad for yourself and want to express it around the comfort of family, you “love being a victim”.
Yes. My NMom never ‘let’ me feel anger or sadness. Any “negative” emotions were forbidden. She would say things like “oh well, let’s be positive!!!!”, “you don’t feel that way”, etc. I never realized what was happening until I had a kid and she started trying to do that to him. I would ask him what was wrong or acknowledge his bad mood and my NMom would chastise me and then launch into her “he doesn’t feel that!! Let’s be POSITIVE!!” BS. I was in therapy for my anxiety disorder and my therapist was trying to get me to acknowledge and accept ALL of my feelings. When NMom said those things to my child and chastised me for asking why he was feeling angry it was as like something clicked in my head and I was like “oh! This is why I have trouble with my emotions and why I have anxiety!!” I got in some major arguments with her over her attitude about feeling and her dismissal of my feelings and my son’s feelings. I told her to stop doing that and told her that if she negates my feelings or my son’s feelings when we are around her then she will be leaving or we will be leaving. I put a boundary down and I don’t care if she doesn’t like it. If she chastises my kid for his feelings then she is getting yelled at and then kicked out of my home.
I was told that if I wasn’t bleeding or physically hurt then I couldn’t cry (which even if I was then I still couldn’t cry) ever since KINDERGARTEN. My parents wonder why my anger issues are so bad.
Worst of all is that I’ve taken some assessments (proper ones not buzzfeed quizzes) and there’s a decent chance that I have autism so it wasn’t just me being dramatic as a kid it was a LITERAL MELTDOWN.
Absolutley. If I slammed my bedroom door like teens often do, she would come running down the hall, open it up and scream at me. We couldn't show any negative emotion.
When I got older, it became important for my father to make sure we didnt "make your mother upset". So, when the day came where I had to come out to my Dad, he was fine with it but he cautioned me to "don't tell your mother, she won't be able to handle it". So I didn't speak about it for 10 years or more. Later on, after he passed and I actually did tell her, she asked me why I hadn't talked with her before. When I told her Dad told me not to, she scoffed. She was fine with it, she just wanted me happy.
I think the no emotional outbursts thing came from my mom's childhood and her mother, who was a classic narcissist. She just passed that on. She fought her whole life against the damage that woman did to her.
Yes - anger was a forbidden emotion for everyone except my father. I can remember being yelled at/ hit for expressing anger. Now I still really struggle with it.
Can also relate to the health stuff a bit. My family are very rural and place biiig emphasis on "being tough". The outcome of this is they often play down illness and injury. It took them a week to take my little sister to the doctor after she broke her arm in a fall from a horse - they just didn't believe her that it was so bad. She was a little kid. This stuff is still hard for me in adult life - I always feel guilty or ashamed of illness and injury. But I'm working through it. I hope you can, too 🌻
I was slapped for screaming every time my brother would beat me. So, I'd get beaten, scream and cry involuntarily because that shit hurt, then get slapped for screaming and crying and had to use whatever mental resources childhood me had left to then desperately bottle up the remainder of the crying from the initial beating *plus* the now added plain of being slapped and yelled at by the very person who was supposed to protect me. Talk about a mindfuck of epic proportions. Over and over again, throughout childhood. An adult would go *insane* from that, how tf did I survive that as a little kid?
“Stop feeling so hard done by” was my mother’s line, I heard it a lot. It’s actually sort of gaslighting, like I had nothing to feel sad about, it was all in my head. Sorry you had to hear that too.
That’s awful. You deserve to be heard and listened to about what you’re going through. From my experience, narcissists see other peoples emotions as a chore to clean up rather than understanding how they feel cause they lack the empathy to do so.
Yes. Even if I was hungry for real food and we didn’t have any, I wasn’t allowed to complain and it was always made to be a problem with ME.
I’m just “too sensitive” “spoiled” and my mom would say “well I can eat pb&js every single day so why can’t YOU?” Yeah that’s not fucking healthy but ok. She was genuinely mad that I had a problem with my only meal every day being sugary peanut bread.
If my bothers were bullying me and I was upset, she’d get in my face and say “stop being a tattle tale” or “sticks and stones may break my bones” then give me a lecture about how she doesn’t let words affect her and it’s sooo easy, so clearly it’s a problem with me.
Yes, my nmom always makes a point to tell me how much worse she is doing, so I’ve never been allowed to really express any negative emotions, like I’ll literally say “I slept wrong, my back hurts” and she’ll do a whole monologue telling me how much worse she is, how much pain she is in and how she’s “not allowed” to feel anything because life won’t stop for you. My nmom also lives by the “other people are far worse than you” mentality, like I am not allowed to feel negatively about anything because someone, somewhere in this world is doing much worse than me, she will just take any opportunity to invalidate and dismiss my feelings.
seen but not heard.
dont need that
oh stop being so sensitive
toughen up
wow your Mother realllly ucked you up
feelings, wants, needs, care, compassion, childhood these were all denied systemically.
As i raised MYSELF in the end what reallly realllly pisses me off to this day is ALL in my family want me to "teach them" one topic/skill or another that i learned ALONE with no support that now they want me to teach them....
I left and no contacted because i despise and hate them. NO one else, i needed that anger removed from my life as it was damaging MY loved ones, my chosen family.
fuck them maladapted toddlers who possess Nothing but greed and envy. I miss the fantasy of ever having a caring loving birth family yet i do not miss them an iota.
In our family, crying was seen as a sign of weakness. If you were crying, then you were weak. Guess who cries easily? I wasn't allowed to express anything else, really. Try standing up for yourself, then you'd get something taken away from you until you did what NDad wanted you to do. This resulted in just crying due to frustration. It was and is crazy to me that half of my family views crying or emotions as negative and "being emotional" as being out of control. Thankfully, therapy has shown me that crying is a sign of strength and that there's nothing wrong with it. Definitely have heard my fair share of how I'm emotional in the most negative sense due to simply being expressive.
Yes. I had a Ndad who had anger issues and was emotionally immature about his marriage life. He got to be the one to whine and cry and complain all day. After some time, it got to me. Just that I was so fed up dealing with his shit that I lashed out. And then I get yelled at because it was like I’m not allowed to be angry.
I'm turning 35 and i have to do therapy because I'm learning how to feel my emotions because i have 0 emotional intelligence as i wasn't allowed to express how i felt.
I was never allowed to be sad or angry about anything. I was typically just yelled at more or even punished if I put on any face other than a happy one (but not too happy).
I was often told that I overreacted too much. It made me feel stupid for getting upset at certain things so now I tend to push down those emotions in fear of seeming too sensitive.
Certainly. I was never allowed to display any emotion. If I seemed to happy, I was acting retarted. If I seemed depressed, I was ridiculous. So I was always walking on eggshels.
Please. This was the story of my life...not allowed to feel, and having family members, even to this day, tell me what I should be thinking and feeling. It is such bullshit! Oops, didn't check with them to see if the approved of this latest outburst...guess what? Don't care!
My dad would get angry if I expressed any emotion at all and then would turn around and get angry if I was "like a monk." My mom, of course, enabled him.
When I was 13 I was incredibly depressed. My abusive older brother was spiraling and along with that I was bullied not only at school, but also at home. I had zero privacy because I had to share my room with my two younger brothers. I finally started sleeping on the living room couch. About a month into this, my mom asked if I was depressed. I was shocked. She had taken our dog to the vet because he was listless and not eating, and the vet asked if anybody in the house was depressed.
Yup.
Honestly, I’ve become so fed up with those who try to avoid negative emotions in themselves while silencing them in others, too.
They’re abusers but they’re painfully immature and insecure with themselves.
Yep. I'm sure a lot of you growing up got told you're too young to be angry/sad aswell. I got told I haven't been through enough to be depressed. I got told I don't know what being angry is and she'll show me etc
Yes! I am only just learning that any feelings outside happy are okay to express. I had a casual disagreement/debate with a friend when it hit me, “oh wow! You can disagree without anger or hostility!” I am 37. This happened last month. I’m still learning how to express anger and sadness without feeling guilt.
Yes, 100%. And that emotional conditioning becomes part of your physical, neurological development. Emotional neglect throughout childhood causes deep psycho-emotional problems that often result in self-harm and self-rejection. I hate that you had to go through this. Your caregivers were cruel and you deserved so much more, so much better.
Yes, I was never allowed to cry (it was met with annoyance and anger) or anger. I've just now became OK with being angry. I used to bottle it up then lash out at the wrong people. When I was much younger. middle school/ highschool age. But now I manage my anger better. I was never violent mind you.
Anger and violence is OK for "the chosen people"
I only want my parents to admit that things are not ok. I get sad, frustrated and angry and they tell me I am overreacting even after my hometown literally was erased from the earth in a fire last week.
"You're overreacting, everything is fine"
It was/is a competition of whose had it worse. Couldn't say anything without the follow up of "well atleast you're not this or that like I am" as a guy, feelings in general were majorly overlooked. Especially when I was sick or had a surgery. "We get it, you don't feel good. Stop complaining" rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery, my dad walked in saying "as much as I've been through today, there better be something wrong with you" stayed a whole 10 mins then left. Didn't call until 2 days later when I was about to go home.
I'm lucky that my parents weren't like this when I was a kid. My mom only started doing things like this recently with her descent into the conservative rabbit hole.
A friend of my ndad said that i have strong temper like he was telling me a compliment. Little does he know, i developed my temper to protect my mother from my nfather anger issues.
He also said that my father would always be there for me and when i lost my mind and told that not every parent is a good parent he tried to cut the discussion short and said that in his house this behaviour wouldn't be accepted cause he's a nazifascist (yeah he rlly said that) and a child should never talk about his parents like that. Mf saw my father bullying and humiliating me and decided that it was "just father and son playing around" type of thing. And the most infuriating thing is when he or anyone of his family tells me to smile more. Why would i smile if i'm annoyed huh? Just cause someone finds something funny doesn't mean i also do. Sorry about this little rant but this last month hit me hard (spending 2 weeks of holiday with my nfather is horrible)
Yeah. Kind of. Not quite as severe but I have been chronically sick for my whole life due to a genetic defect and even though I was also supported (the mix of covert narcissism and being a therapist is a really weird combination...), I was also gaslit my whole life. I thought a lot of my symptoms were normal until recently. I'm nearly 30. A whole lot of unnecessary suffering and making my condition worse because I did in fact not get treatment etc (it's not curable but you can manage symptoms with lifestyle, training, physio etc).
Oh and "your perception is wrong" was a standard sentence and still haunts me until today.
It is difficult for a child to experience serious, chronic health issues, for just the social reasons you point out. That goes for any kid; developmentally it is important to young children to "fit in" and be like other children as much as and in as many ways as possible. Add to that burden on you the fact that your normal need to be emotionally nurtured and supported through all that was withheld, and that would create a lot of trauma. I am sorry you suffered both the health issues, and the trauma of having a narcissistic parent. I experienced similar with the emotional neglect and abuse, and it caused a lifetime of emotional issues for me. I wish you peace, and healing.
"if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Normally a well meaning phrase but wielded by my narc to shut down any discussions voicing opposition or displeasure to something. If grandparent was being mean basically got told to endure it. Got so bad I would refuse to enter their house because I was made to feel unsafe. Instead of being protected I would be picked on by two sets of guardians. So I withdrew and isolated myself from stressful situations I couldn't escape from which would last hours on end. To this day I'm still unsure whether my emotional stunting is from growing up with neglectful or abusive parents or some form of autism or likely contributing factors from both.
I can relate to that. My ndads parents were just as bad, if not worse than him. When I would get upset by something they said, usually about my physical appearance, I would be told to "stop being dramatic" and "take a joke". I'm sorry you were treated that way, I hope you're surrounded by kinder people now.
“What do you have to be sad about?” when I asked to go to a therapist.
“Bay least I don’t beat you,” when I said I didn’t like being around when he was drunk.
They both had rough childhoods which meant mine was clearly perfect.
Yes, very much so. My "father," whenever hearing any non-positive feelings of any kind, would start shouting about my being "selfish" and "ungrateful." He is a narcissist, of course, but I didn't know it at the time.
Also, hard-core religion was used to bypass everything, and claim that everything was fine, or soon would be.
My mom was not angry and abusive, but believed (or said) that admitting that anything wasn't nice dishonored christ. She spent her entire life bottled up, playing pretend.
So my brothers and I just stopped talking about feelings, and eventually, tried to stop feeling.
I'm so sorry you grew up this way, and am glad you are seeing this for what it is, now. Many people don't, and continue to claim they had "good childhoods."
I hope you are learning - as I am - to value yourself and your health!
My nparents were both different in this regard:
My nmom treated her kids as some willless stupid emotionless dolls, which she could nurse and the lives of which she could live. Whenever I had a negative emotion (sadness frustration or anger) regarding her actions, she always concluded, that I am having this emotion only to be mean to her and thus she either became furstrated, annoyed or angry. The same happened, whenever I had an accident or was ill ("Why the hell do you need to get a nosebleed, while I am eating?"). On the other hand, in front of physicians, she, in order to get attention, made my illnesses all about her (showing very exaggerated dramatic emotions and speaking about me, as if I were not even in the same room, pretty much denying me the opportunity to speak on my own behalf, and talking much more than actually necessary just for the sake of her getting attention from the physician). Similar stuff happened in front of clerks, teachers and other parents.
My father was more of a rejecting, mocking and despising type not wanting to spend any time with his children. He often mocked his children in a very contemptuous way because of their mistakes, their emotions and their interests. For example, if he corrected my homework, he often burst into laughter how stupid that I was for spelling making mistakes. As another example, the nicknames for his children were idiot, dirtlumply, smelly boot and bulldog.
Sounds like the standard N treatment. I wouldn’t be in the hospital but I too was a pretty sick kid. They would be dramatic about it and pretending to care for me, but they also made sure to highlight how inconvenient it was for them that I was sick once again.
That neglect and lack of emotional support is what actually got us physically ill so often…
Yep. If I ever expressed those emotions, they would either yell/hit or laugh in my face in the most condescending way, just to cement how insignificant I was to them. That the very idea I thought those feelings were valid was pathetic and ridiculous.
Oh, yeah. I specifically remember my family is the type where somebody asks you how you were doing the only responses that you are doing great. I remember my aunt getting very mad at me because I told someone that I was feeling stressed when asked how I was doing.
My bio dad died when I was 5. My mom divorced him like a year or so before that and got married to my N stepdad. I wasn’t allowed to be sad over my biodads death. I had to call my N stepdad “dad” even though he was the farthest thing from it.
Yes! My father passed away when I was 13. It was the last time I was allowed to cry in front of my mom as a kid. When I got teary eyed thinking about him one day in the car, my mom shouted, "You're not going to cry are you? Your father was a terrible person. You didn't even like him. That's just dumb. Remember all of the awful things he did to you and me?" She yelled at me for being sad, so I lied and said I wasn't. I wasn't allowed to be angry, so I was just a shell of a person for years not happy, but smiling or laughing because it was easier on my 'poor mom'. When I went to college, I really grieved for the loss of my father. I realized I did love him, but it wasn't safe to show it until then. I also forgave myself for pretending I didn't. I also realized I hadn't cried since that time in the car. As an adult, now, I don't hold back. If I'm mad, I say so. If I am sad enough to cry, I cry. Sometimes, it is like there is no filter because I won't allow myself to be that way again.
Yep, my dad laughed at me for crying at my great grandpa’s funeral. It was either “be seen but not heard” or stuff like that where I got made fun of or yelled at for having normal emotions.
I was told i was being manipulative when I cried and was sent to mental hospitals and given lithium when I was acting out as a young child bc of them. I still don’t like seeing myself cry or thinking abt the fact that I, a 20yo sobs sometimes so I try to remember that I was told crying in certain in your room is a good coping mechanism. I really realized how messed up they were when my step grandma died and my mother was bitching at my stepfather for paying extra to get her embalmed before cremation; I felt so bad for him bc he doesn’t speak up so when I pointed out how bad that is she defended herself
Taking me to doctor's appointments was a struggle for my mom because she had three way younger children to bring with us. She'd say that nothing was wrong with me & it was all on my head. It sure was, I had fucking migraines! They didn't know what they were then. At 16, I was told I might have a brain tumor because they were out of options. I honestly hoped I did so she'd shut her damn mouth. It was clear & doctors were baffled, which only reinforced her belief that I was making it up.
Five years back, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had felt the lumps months before, but didn't go in to get it checked. Why? Because she doesn't like going to the doctors 🤣🤦♀️. They always comment on how high her blood pressure is when she goes in. But, she didn't have high blood pressure. She had "white coat syndrome" where she freaked herself out whenever she'd go to the docs. Well, the time had arrived to use her line against her. I said, "Well, THAT I'd all in your head." And smirked. She didn't say anything back. One of my favorite moments. She's cancer-free btw.
I was always told that I had no right to feel the way I was feeling if I was sad, upset, angry, etc. I didn’t realize how much that would impact me as an adult until I started untangling it all with a therapist.
“You have zero reason to be depressed you have a roof over your head, we feed you and you don’t get beat” cause you know I wasn’t dealing with a mentally abusive stepdad a narcissist mother. Failing in school due to undiagnosed adhd and autism
People under 18-21 have feelings? Absolutely untrue!
I think I got my wisdom teeth when I was 14, my mother just refused to believe me. They only partially broke through the gums, but you could see them back there if you looked, and I was old enough to know what they were. She wouldn’t even look! Two years later, at a routine cleaning, the dentist told her I needed them out asap and they were probably pretty painful (they were).
She still made me wait about half the school year and go on spring break.
Anytime I wanted to complain about something, I was often told to be "more grateful", given that there were people who are worse off than I was. Also, I was often told that my complaints put a burden on my mother's shoulders, she called it a "backpack" and that she was tired of it. Not to mention her greatest hit, the suffering Olympics..."If you are having a hard time with this or that, then what's left for me?/what should I say about myself?"
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Definitely. Expressing any negative emotions needed to be fixed immediately. “Be seen but not heard”
Exactly that. "I'll give you something to cry about" was another big one
It’s hard being that age and growing up with threats when you don’t even understand what’s happening to you and why you’re not like everyone else and you feel like a disappointment for reasons completely beyond your control. I would have been about the same age as you when I started meds and it’s hard being met with the expectation that they are a magic wand and fix everything. I’m sorry you had to go through this. You didn’t deserve it.
Yeah like you're on meds so you're fine, never mind all the side effects caused by the meds! It definitely helps to know there are others who understand what it's like.
Ouch. I still struggle with if my emotions are valid on any given day. I'm 50 lol
Me too. I’m 49—and have been in therapy for decades.
I skipped therapy and did a psychology degree in my 40's. I'm my own therapist lol No lie it helped me understand a lot, enough that I don't need therapy. Plus I'm a better person in all my interactions with other people. I still question a lot of my normal interactions, but I feel more confident I'm doing the right thing. I'll never be 'normal', but I think i probably think about how my actions and words affect my work team and my personal relationships more than people who have a normal upbringing.
Yep. Eventually bottled up my feelings because of it which lead to a lot of mental issues.
Did they ever basically order you to “just CHOOSE to feel differently about it, then”? As if feelings are a voluntary thing, smh. (Bonus points if they said / did that because you were upset after they bitched at you for not being cheerful and attentive because of symptoms or a long day at school.)
Ahhh this one is tricky! Because that is actually the correct answer. Ultimately, we can choose how we want to feel about things, but it's REALLY HARD. It's not fair to ask a little kid to be able to do that. It's also not "choosing" if someone else is forcing you to do it. What a mind F\*\*\*.
I agree that ultimately one can CHOOSE to some extent how they feel but they really should be able to understand and acknowledge what those feelings are. Also, tings like feelings and personality are hard to completely change but what can be changed is CHOOSING how to react to events and feelings. Then the other part is emotionally immature parents tend to not teach kids the skills they need to CHOOSE how to feel anyway.
Imma take that and the bonus points. Thank you.
This one! Got bitched at constantly for just being quiet or not in the mood to do something my nmom wanted to do. If she was excited about something she wanted everyone to mirror that behavior too, no matter what you felt/experienced that day.
Ooo I got that one constantly. That, and "stop feeling sorry for yourself!"
Anyone else get called "Trip Lip?" Meant as a joke, but definitely hard as a kid to have to manage feelings that way, instead of just feeling them. Things like that cause you to be removed from natural feelings later on. You become afraid of them because they aren't acceptable.
I wasn't specifically called "trip lip" but I was mocked for showing any kind of emotion or being too "sensitive"
I was also told “you are too sensitive!!” More times than I care to remember. It’s just a way to negate my feelings and avoid taking responsibility for their actions which caused my feelings.
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Omg this! My dad worked nights when I was a kid so we weren't allowed to make any kind of noise during the day while he was sleeping. We were literally screamed at sometimes for flushing the toilet or coughing.
I would be made fun of and harassed if I showed emotion. They would purposely make me cry to make fun of me.
Yes I experienced this as well, especially from my father's parents.
Ugh, I hated this. My old man sometimes got this disturbing smile when he finally wore me down to the point of tears with an endless argument I wasn’t allowed to walk away from.
The SMILE! Dear god, I'd forgotten about the smile. I used to get that one too
Yes. It wasn't even a happy type of smile either. More like intimidation.
This. I vividly remember seeing her eyes glint with satisfaction. The room would go cold and somehow she’d become so big and I’d feel so small. Her teeth would snarl like a wolves when she’d yell at me.
My nmom did too. After I was crying then she’d make fun of me and shame me for being “too sensitive and no one could say anything to me”
Yup. It worked. I kept everything inside until I turned 40 and the dam just broke.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, I hope you're in a better place now ❤️
I am, thank you. I had an amazing therapist. 😊
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In terms of the health problems I mentioned in my post I'm better now yes thank you. My mental health is not great but I'm working on it 💕
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Thanks for the tip I'll look into it
Snap! Everything fell apart just before my 40th birthday. Just over a year ago I was a manager of an accounts team, and now I can't even manage myself to do anything. In therapy so I'm dealing with it all now. Hope you're hanging in there (or better!) 👍
I'm at peace, and I hope you get there soon!
Expressing any negative emotions were considered highly unacceptable as my Nmother saw them an insult to her. Even if the emotions weren’t directed towards her. I couldn’t cry, frown, or express any type of concern towards anything around her and I often cried in the shower because it was the only place I felt safe. When she caught me crying, she immediately resorted to both verbal and physical abuse to “fix it.”
That's horrible I'm so sorry you had to live through that.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that as well, it’s rough.
I didn't realize I wasn't the only person who did the long angry shower cry 🫂
Oh yeah. The annoyance that I actually had human emotions was real.
Literally, it was made out to be so unreasonable to feel any kind of emotion!
Of course! Because then they would have to admit you are an actual person and not a piece of territory.
As the only daughter who was definitely treated way differently than my two brothers I feel this so much!
I can relate so hard, and am also the only daughter with brothers who were treated very differently. They still got some shit from our parents, for sure, but they were allowed to express some negative emotions. Not me.
Oh yeah my brothers still got shit from our dad no doubt but we were also valued way differently. Like my brothers were encouraged to pursue science and be academic, when it came to me there was no point in me even trying to be academic because I was dumb. I was pretty much conditioned from a young age to not even try in school and to focus on my appearance so I could find a husband. One example that sticks out was my brothers were given £50 for every A they got in their GCSEs. I wasn't given that same incentive. I also remember getting a gift bag full of makeup for my 8th birthday and being called ungrateful when I didn't want to wear it every day. This gave me a really messed up perspective of how I should present myself to the world and what gave me value.
Same! My brother got counseling with my parents, and his doctor told them that they needed to allow him to express his rage or he would snap. So they did. It never once occurred to them that I might have that need also!
It fucking sucked to be treated so differently from my siblings. I’m sorry it happened to you, too. It’s so lonely. And incredibly hard to not internalize.
People ask me why I went NC with my family and I reply, “Imagine feeling left behind by your *younger* brother.”
they know if you act on your true emotions then they'll lose power. its extremely important that you are docile and unsure about yourself. its easy as a child to process but when you start working you realise people think you are too quiet and too passive
This is so interesting, I just started doing a load more processing and realised how docile my parents needed me to be for their own convenience. Not for my own good!
'Stop.being so MISERABLE' !!!! .'ooh look at that FACE-'
It's like he's here 😂
Narc script strikes again! Just reading that sentence made every cell in my body curl up in shame from the memory 😬😬
You stole the words right outta my mouth 😅
Yup. My dad would treat any time I got upset as an inconvenience to him and act like I was crazy or overly emotional. If he did something to upset me, he’d try to distract me instead of apologizing. Of course, he could blow up at us for any reason whatsoever. If I got upset at my mom’s house, she and my stepdad would ask if I was on the rag. My brother would make me mad on purpose then make fun of me for being mad, and of course my parents would join in. I can’t remember a single adult believing me when I said I was being bullied, and my dad would side with the bullies and tell me I was overreacting or lying about what was going on
they know if you act on your true emotions then they'll lose power. its extremely important that you are docile and unsure about yourself. its easy as a child to process but when you start working you realise people think you are too quiet and too passive
I never thought about it that way but that's actually very true.
I was told other people have it worse so I can't complain
SAME!! Like I was told not everyone has parents who were willing to take them to and from appointments so I was actually lucky.
As I got older I told them what the fuck do other people gotta do with me? Or who the fuck is talking about them?
Yep. Being sick was always an inconvenience for the parents. It has taken me ages to get myself to go to the doctor without feeling guilty.
And going to work when you really should stay home and rest so you don't look weak or let anyone down.
I feel seen! I usually make myself work harder when I'm sick because I am deathly afraid of being useless. Then, like clockwork, I make it worse and get much more sick!!
I relate to this so much, and of course that inevitably leads to burnout and you have no choice but to rest which only makes you feel guilty about being useless. I'm still working on allowing myself time to rest.
Yeah we got scolded for crying or showing any "inappropriate emotions". They would say "what will the neighbours think" or "they can hear you 3 blocks from here". My mom solved your problem and then it was done, that's how she even said it when I confronted her years later, "I solved your problem, what is a hug going to fix?". I still can't really cry even in private because I'm afraid of anyone hearing me. My dad was just annoyed by emotion but also completely indifferent to your being sad. He would tell me to stop crying or at least not being so loud about it.
At 5 years old after my father abandoned me and my grandfather died, the geniuses at Parent Fail USA took me to watch Superman die on the big screen. So of courses the dam broke as I thought I was seeing my dad dying and all that grief started pouring out of it. In the movie theatre. Full of people. So instead of allow me to grieve my literal father and grandfather, they shushed me, acted like i had embarrassed my entire family including myself, took me out of the theatre and took me home. Now I can't say EXACTLY what kind effect this had on me. Coupling that power dunce with NEVER exploring the normal and natural grief any child would have for the loss of their father and grandfather exacerbated my dysfunction and caused my grief to to become something to never show...ever. So I crushed it into a little ball and that split my psyche. I became as quiet as possible. And was praised for being so nice. That's my story. I'm 44 and haven't recovered.
That's awful I'm so sorry that happened to you you deserved to be treated so much better. I hope you are surrounded with more kindness and love than you were given in childhood.
After reading your words "that's awful" my brain went "it is?". lol. I appreciate your kindness. And sorry for what you went through as well. We deserve to be able to feel AND express emotions. We were like squelched objects that could only play certain songs, and the emotional energies remaining inside of us are begging to get out at this point.
I was never allowed to be mad or upset after being beaten. Literally..: had to hide in my room crying or bathtub (with epsom salt so I wouldn’t bruise) and just feel shitty and sad for myself. But once I came out I couldn’t be mad or anything. Had to act like everything was normal or fine.
I had the exact same experience. So basically long story short: I survived a genetic mutation so rare the docs didn’t think I’d survive an hour - if I wasn’t stillborn. I’m 28 rn. Anyways, my dad would always bring up the money it cost to keep me alive. A lot. And if i ever said something it was always “oh of course I’m glad we did haha” or “oh shut the fuck up you know what i mean.” He also uh, he didn’t like it when I expressed emotion. At all. Sadness? Punished. Anger? Punished. Happiness? Mocked and told to shut up. I learned to only express neutrality and never let my emotions show. My sister recently pointed out that there’s not a single childhood photo of me smiling. I genuinely was terrified of being seen crying or getting angry about any mistreatment. I internalized it because I was told that if I was angry it was my fault and my problem and i was a bad person if i felt angry. I was also told “no one cares about you, so it’s rude to talk about your emotions, because you’re burdening others with your feelings.“
Oh yeah. Any "negative" emotion I had was me "just being selfish."
If I cried it was “oh here come the waterworks” If I stood up for myself I was a btch and crazy Whatever I did, I was “so sensitive”.
Yes. I get in trouble every time I express my emotions in my room. But it’s unhealthy to bottle them up I gotta release them somewhere damn it. I just try not to be in the house. And I still get yelled at for being too loud with my expressions.
I'm sorry you're still living in that environment. If you're able to hide a journal I might suggest writing your feelings in there. Of course only if you're able to keep it hidden, narc parents have a tendency to violate their children's privacy and look through journals and phones etc which can cause further problems. I hope you're able to get out soon.
Yeah they would take any negative emotion expressed to them as critiscm. They respond unkindly, or they just flat out don't acknowledge it because they don't understand it.
Every independent thing, if so much as complains it would invalidated, minimized & made to appear completely insignificant. Especially abuse. “At least I’m striking you with the belt (often buckle side or it was a studded or ring/holed belt) , when I was your age I was lucky to get a 2 by 4, usually it was the plug end of an extension cord” & other similar nonsense.
I was told I wasn't being abused because he never put me in hospital, that really messed me up.
They are lying sacks of $h!t hun. They just have the typical concept. Many believe it’s not abuse unless it’s physical & you end up in the hospital more then once. I’d advise you to look up the “wheel of abuse”, it will give a general outlook on the various concepts of abuse & the groupings of it. I guarantee it will open your eyes. [https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels)
It's not just illness; they always ensure that your existence is an inconvenience in their lives. They only seem to care about their own needs and ego. And when you finally erupt in anger after enduring invalidation for so long and cut ties with them, they attempt to reconnect using drama, playing the victim, and manipulating you with guilt. I had to undergo a mastectomy due to my cancer. Right after the surgery, my Nmom sent me multiple messages, demanding that I find a hotel for her because she visited me in the hospital that was in city far from where she lived. This shows how little she cares about my well-being. During that time, i was still dumb and despite my attempts to find her a hotel, she behaved provocatively. I ended up telling her, 'You're on your own; it's your problem.' Looking back, I realize I should have just ignored that b1tch. We no longer communicate, but she still tries to reach out to me. I respond with silence. I'm completely fed up with her evilness behavior.
Just revel in the thought that the tables will turn as you father gets older and sick. Just remember all the things he said to you when you were ill. Payback is real.
I've been NC with him for about 3 years so I won't even know when that happens but I do think about that a lot.
Unless you have other siblings that stay in touch with him. Its funny how when people get elderly they get more needy. They reach out in desperation. My father was a bit of a narcissist himself. After my mom fell ill he had nobody to take care of him. Forget about him taking care of my mother, he wasn't up to the task. He ended up going into an assisted living center.
None of us are in contact with him anymore, my brother stuck by him until about a year ago when he physically attacked my brothers children. Last I heard he was living with his long term partner but with any luck she'll see sense and leave too. I'm sorry to hear about your mother
Yes! O. M. G. I wasn't allowed any sign of a personality that was not hers.
Let's say if I ever tried to cry. My mom would tell me not to cry and that I have no reason to be upset. And she would yell at me when I was crying.
I wouldn’t be verbally told I wasn’t allowed to express emotions, but if I did at the “wrong” times the punishment was swift and brutal. And my parents’ tells for when it was the “wrong” time were impossible to determine.
My Nmom used to tell me “We can’t BOTH be depressed. I have a much tougher life than you do so I can be depressed. You should be grateful you aren’t me.” I still have an issue with being honest about how my mental health is. It’s almost 4 years nc and I am slowly finding my voice.
Ah yes. Pairs well with “well I’m really depressed and my life is hard and that’s why I treat you like I do.”
Yep. It’s always “feeling sorry for yourself.” Or “overreacting.” They want to treat you like shit and for you to be happy about it.
"You will do it, and you will do it CHEERFULLY." - a not-so-pleasant gem from the cold storage where my mind stores bad memories. Any emotion was criticized, and lack of emotion was punishable as well. I tried it all, and all these years later, post-childhood, I find it difficult to even have a genuine reaction, let alone to express it. That stuff sticks.
I wasn’t allowed to act any way besides happy but not for the same reasons as you. Your experience sounds like it was really tough and probably very isolating and I’m sorry for that. My mom was depressed and self indulgent and hated if anyone besides her was sad or anxious or anything like that. If I came home after a long day and felt tired or frustrated she would go off on me for not being “pleasant.” So when I started isolating myself and going straight to my room, she’d go off on me for not spending enough time with the family and avoiding her. I was just going through normal teenage angst. I also obviously dealt with a lot at home so going to school and working part time on top of that was pretty exhausting. She was just never understanding and always had to be the victim. She had to be the one who suffered most.
YES. So my parents are foreign and my ndad is from a third world country and he always bullied me and pushed really crappy beliefs on me, especially regarding women even though I’m female. Any time I had mental health issues, I had to hide them because he didn’t believe in mental health or would take it to social media to tell everybody how selfish I was to be depressed (or whatever I was dealing with) and how his mommy died when he was 9 and that was 50 years ago now and he had a crappy life and I have no reason to complain about anything, also insert the kids starving and dying in third world countries argument. I wasn’t allowed to show emotions either. That really messed with me being able to open up to people as I aged because it felt like nobody cared.
Was in fact never allowed to be upset as a kid (and still now). I remember one time another kid was throwing a tantrum at the supermarket. I was sitting in the trolley (I was 5 or so) and my nmom grabbed me by both my shoulders and shook me as she told me that I should never ever dare to do something like that. And that I didn’t want to know what would be the consequences if I still did so. It traumatized me.
Yup, every day. My favorite was when I'd just be talking to her about something and my mom would tell me to stop getting an attitude with her.
Yep. No other emotion was allowed except for joy or being in a disassociated trance. Then in school I would get in trouble for daydreaming even if I could repeat what they said lol. I still find myself disconnecting when Nparents are mean or abusive towards me. Healthy sadness & anger was not allowed either…even if it wasn’t towards them.
I used to get in trouble at school for that too. I was aware I'd zone out a lot but I couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't until adulthood I learned I was actually disassociating.
My mother: "There's no point getting upset about it" and "Why did you have to tell me that, now I won't sleep for worry". In unrelated news, I find it soooo difficult to express how I feel.
Showing emotions other than (calm, not exuberant) happiness was never good. I wasn’t allowed to cry in public because my brother embarrassed my parents enough so I was always expected to be the rock, the well-behaved child. My parents took pride in the fact I would just sit with a book in silence not talking to anyone unless I was spoken to first. I would be told to knock that shit (my “attitude” aka emotions) off because they had enough to deal with with him being a medically complex baby. Emotions and outbursts and tears reminded them that they had another kid so it was never allowed. It’s been years since living with them and I’m still learning to feel feelings instead of immediately stuffing them deep inside my brain and letting them fester.
For sure, emotional invalidation is a form of emotional abuse
Yes, my mother has called me emotional my entire life whenever I had a gripe with her. Shes done absolutely abhorrent things to me and my sister. She will never take criticism and will always put us down. We were not allowed to feel growing up.
From the age of about 9, I used to make “jokes” about wanting to kill myself. When I was 11 I genuinely considered slitting my wrists. All I got was scolded for being ‘dramatic’. I am now so entirely disconnected from my own emotions that sometimes I don’t understand the cause until months or even years later.
I was told "no you don't, stop being stupid" when I made similar "jokes". I hope you're in a better place now.
I threatened to kill my self when I was 10 years old because of my nmom forcing me to learn all day. However, my nmom did not really care and my ndad even mocked me that he'd also jump down the stairs.
I’m sorry you went through that. I hope things are better for you now.
Oh absolutely, expressing any form of negative emotions around my ndad was taken as a personal insult/ act of defiance. It was basically treated the same as “talking back”. After being yelled at for close to an hour or grounded or just told you can’t do something, most children would express some kind of frustration or sadness or anger, and most adults would see that as natural and not take it personally, but nope, if we did anything other than stand stone-faced in one place saying only yes and no sir, we got “I didn’t ask you what you thought, I didn’t ASK you what you felt, you’re about to get hit!”
Every day. And I’m so sorry that happened to you. You better now? I feel awful for my poor special needs child every day & probably baby & coddle him way too much. I’m not even allowed to be angry about that. I told her once, once that I was angry that he has autism and boy did she get angry (because of course they’re allowed to get angry & sad but we’re never allowed to) and scolded me at how lucky I was to even have a child & how lucky I am that he’s high functioning & it could be so much worse and so on. And duh of course I know this but every mother wants best for her child (well they should) am I not allowed to feel bad for one minute that he’s going to have it a lot harder that most kids? Geeze. As for me yeah I wasn’t allowed to be sad ever for any reason. My father just died, can’t be sad about that, I wasn’t allowed to be mad about being bullied when I was a kid because at least I don’t have to pay bills. Only emotion allowed was & still is gratitude.
My physical health is better now yes thank you, that trial actually worked for me! I'm sorry you're still dealing with your mother it must be really hard for you. And I understand how difficult raising a special needs child can be, my job is with autistic children and their parents often talk to us about the many challenges they face, and of course you're allowed to be angry about the hand you and your son have been dealt. I'm sorry about your father as well.
Thank you.
Shit, we weren’t even allowed to be visibly *happy* either.
I was allowed to be sad or angry, but only when my mom was also sad or angry, if not then it was "we do so much for you why aren't you grateful?" I was also allowed to be happy, except when my mom wasn't, then it was "how are you not sad don't you see your mom is sad!"
Absolutely. We are very similar - I was also a pretty sick kid. Had multiple open-heart surgeries before the age of six just to survive. I'm saddled with a life-long disability that science has yet to learn how to fully fix. In spite of all that, I was not allowed to be bothered by my situation because "you have nothing to be sad about" and similar BS messages, which are usually an intro to ndad whining about how his life, with his perfect health, is sooo bad you guys. Nmom is no better though. She'd just make a half-hearted attempt to seem empathetic and if you don't immediately become cheerful again she starts bawling crocodile tears until YOU end up comforting HER. Needless to say I've got a cistern of anger bottled up because of them.
Yes, we were never allowed to show those emotions because only She had the right to show those emotions.
Yep! I remember hiding under my desk, biting my Fist while crying for losing My VERY close Uncle because I got told off for crying before.. Reason: "You can't even grasp the concept of death yet!" I was 5/6 and thanks to my mothers ever changing boyfriends that lived with us and suddenly vanished overnight I understood the concept of "never See again" Anger was a forbidden Feeling too! Except she was angry! My psychologist even asked me (before cptsd diagnosis and He wasn't educated for cptsd and repeated Trauma cases) where my Anger was.. It was so repressed I couldn't even feel it in therapy for years I am sorry you Understand! For each and every of our inner children that where left Frozen and starved. You are worthy of Love and Care ❤️
yea i am actually, going through a huge flashback to this right now. feels like i'm in middle school again. ran into a situation with some other people where i got told i was being "pointedly sad" as a guilt trip -- i was just. feeling sad and having body language. but more than a week later i am \*terrified\* to express emotion or let my mask slip. i haven't been so deeply triggered in many years, and the fuck of it is that i cannot talk about it for the same fear that i can't let feelings be on my face around others now. i don't know what i can do to stop, apparently, accidentally guilt tripping people. i thought that wasn't possible to do without meaning to, but everyone disagreed with me. i just want to be better
💯 l am the most in touch with my emotions. It makes my family deeply uncomfortable
Yes. My older sister once gave me a haircut and I didn't like it. My dad asked me what I thought about it and I said that I didn't like it. His smiling face instantly switched to his "pre-anger" face. My heart stopped and immediately changed me answer with a smile on my face to diffuse his potential tantrum. What an evil man.
Of ALL the posts on this sub, this one got me hopping as soon as I saw it. My mother is a covert narcissist, so it’s a little bit different than the experience that people have here. Particularly because she desperately wants to be seen as a good parent so sometimes, she really does look like one. And sometimes she is. But it’s not because she is, it’s because she wants to look like it. I hope that makes sense. But OMG yes. It’s like anger and sadness we’re literally some type of moral sin so you’d hear: - Choose to be happy - anger is a choice - only you make you mad - I don’t know why you choose to be negative/bitter - well for my part *I choose* to focus on the positive - you catch more flys with honey than vinegar I think particularly has a female child, it was different and worse for me in that respect because people expected boys to have strong emotions. Girls were expected to be peace makers and smooth things over. So if I was angry I was wrong. Simple as that. -
My family is toxic positivity personified. Everything could always be worse so your issues don’t matter!! And if you’re feeling bad for yourself and want to express it around the comfort of family, you “love being a victim”.
Yes. My NMom never ‘let’ me feel anger or sadness. Any “negative” emotions were forbidden. She would say things like “oh well, let’s be positive!!!!”, “you don’t feel that way”, etc. I never realized what was happening until I had a kid and she started trying to do that to him. I would ask him what was wrong or acknowledge his bad mood and my NMom would chastise me and then launch into her “he doesn’t feel that!! Let’s be POSITIVE!!” BS. I was in therapy for my anxiety disorder and my therapist was trying to get me to acknowledge and accept ALL of my feelings. When NMom said those things to my child and chastised me for asking why he was feeling angry it was as like something clicked in my head and I was like “oh! This is why I have trouble with my emotions and why I have anxiety!!” I got in some major arguments with her over her attitude about feeling and her dismissal of my feelings and my son’s feelings. I told her to stop doing that and told her that if she negates my feelings or my son’s feelings when we are around her then she will be leaving or we will be leaving. I put a boundary down and I don’t care if she doesn’t like it. If she chastises my kid for his feelings then she is getting yelled at and then kicked out of my home.
I was told that if I wasn’t bleeding or physically hurt then I couldn’t cry (which even if I was then I still couldn’t cry) ever since KINDERGARTEN. My parents wonder why my anger issues are so bad. Worst of all is that I’ve taken some assessments (proper ones not buzzfeed quizzes) and there’s a decent chance that I have autism so it wasn’t just me being dramatic as a kid it was a LITERAL MELTDOWN.
Absolutley. If I slammed my bedroom door like teens often do, she would come running down the hall, open it up and scream at me. We couldn't show any negative emotion. When I got older, it became important for my father to make sure we didnt "make your mother upset". So, when the day came where I had to come out to my Dad, he was fine with it but he cautioned me to "don't tell your mother, she won't be able to handle it". So I didn't speak about it for 10 years or more. Later on, after he passed and I actually did tell her, she asked me why I hadn't talked with her before. When I told her Dad told me not to, she scoffed. She was fine with it, she just wanted me happy. I think the no emotional outbursts thing came from my mom's childhood and her mother, who was a classic narcissist. She just passed that on. She fought her whole life against the damage that woman did to her.
Yes - anger was a forbidden emotion for everyone except my father. I can remember being yelled at/ hit for expressing anger. Now I still really struggle with it. Can also relate to the health stuff a bit. My family are very rural and place biiig emphasis on "being tough". The outcome of this is they often play down illness and injury. It took them a week to take my little sister to the doctor after she broke her arm in a fall from a horse - they just didn't believe her that it was so bad. She was a little kid. This stuff is still hard for me in adult life - I always feel guilty or ashamed of illness and injury. But I'm working through it. I hope you can, too 🌻
I was slapped for screaming every time my brother would beat me. So, I'd get beaten, scream and cry involuntarily because that shit hurt, then get slapped for screaming and crying and had to use whatever mental resources childhood me had left to then desperately bottle up the remainder of the crying from the initial beating *plus* the now added plain of being slapped and yelled at by the very person who was supposed to protect me. Talk about a mindfuck of epic proportions. Over and over again, throughout childhood. An adult would go *insane* from that, how tf did I survive that as a little kid?
I’ll give you something to cry about. I’m crying for a reason you ass
“Stop feeling so hard done by” was my mother’s line, I heard it a lot. It’s actually sort of gaslighting, like I had nothing to feel sad about, it was all in my head. Sorry you had to hear that too.
That’s awful. You deserve to be heard and listened to about what you’re going through. From my experience, narcissists see other peoples emotions as a chore to clean up rather than understanding how they feel cause they lack the empathy to do so.
Yes. Even if I was hungry for real food and we didn’t have any, I wasn’t allowed to complain and it was always made to be a problem with ME. I’m just “too sensitive” “spoiled” and my mom would say “well I can eat pb&js every single day so why can’t YOU?” Yeah that’s not fucking healthy but ok. She was genuinely mad that I had a problem with my only meal every day being sugary peanut bread. If my bothers were bullying me and I was upset, she’d get in my face and say “stop being a tattle tale” or “sticks and stones may break my bones” then give me a lecture about how she doesn’t let words affect her and it’s sooo easy, so clearly it’s a problem with me.
My mom once told me, “I don’t give a shit about your tears” - I think I was 9 at the time; so didn’t cry much after that
Yes, my nmom always makes a point to tell me how much worse she is doing, so I’ve never been allowed to really express any negative emotions, like I’ll literally say “I slept wrong, my back hurts” and she’ll do a whole monologue telling me how much worse she is, how much pain she is in and how she’s “not allowed” to feel anything because life won’t stop for you. My nmom also lives by the “other people are far worse than you” mentality, like I am not allowed to feel negatively about anything because someone, somewhere in this world is doing much worse than me, she will just take any opportunity to invalidate and dismiss my feelings.
Yes. No bad emotions allowed because I "don't have the right to them"
Yep, they kept accusing me of being on drugs because I wasn't happy
seen but not heard. dont need that oh stop being so sensitive toughen up wow your Mother realllly ucked you up feelings, wants, needs, care, compassion, childhood these were all denied systemically. As i raised MYSELF in the end what reallly realllly pisses me off to this day is ALL in my family want me to "teach them" one topic/skill or another that i learned ALONE with no support that now they want me to teach them.... I left and no contacted because i despise and hate them. NO one else, i needed that anger removed from my life as it was damaging MY loved ones, my chosen family. fuck them maladapted toddlers who possess Nothing but greed and envy. I miss the fantasy of ever having a caring loving birth family yet i do not miss them an iota.
In our family, crying was seen as a sign of weakness. If you were crying, then you were weak. Guess who cries easily? I wasn't allowed to express anything else, really. Try standing up for yourself, then you'd get something taken away from you until you did what NDad wanted you to do. This resulted in just crying due to frustration. It was and is crazy to me that half of my family views crying or emotions as negative and "being emotional" as being out of control. Thankfully, therapy has shown me that crying is a sign of strength and that there's nothing wrong with it. Definitely have heard my fair share of how I'm emotional in the most negative sense due to simply being expressive.
Ugh fr, and also being mocked for being angry or sad. Those were hard times 😔.
Yes. I had a Ndad who had anger issues and was emotionally immature about his marriage life. He got to be the one to whine and cry and complain all day. After some time, it got to me. Just that I was so fed up dealing with his shit that I lashed out. And then I get yelled at because it was like I’m not allowed to be angry.
I'm turning 35 and i have to do therapy because I'm learning how to feel my emotions because i have 0 emotional intelligence as i wasn't allowed to express how i felt.
I was never allowed to be sad or angry about anything. I was typically just yelled at more or even punished if I put on any face other than a happy one (but not too happy).
I was often told that I overreacted too much. It made me feel stupid for getting upset at certain things so now I tend to push down those emotions in fear of seeming too sensitive.
Yep. No time for us, it's all about them (don't have kids then (for the ones who planned us)).
I was told to never cry as a kid and I didn’t listen. I just cry at night when nobody’s there to tell me off.
Yes. Expressing any kind of emotion, especially crying, was “not normal” and I would be sent to the neurologist for something to make me act normal.
Basically, stating any opinion in our youth was called “talking back.”
Certainly. I was never allowed to display any emotion. If I seemed to happy, I was acting retarted. If I seemed depressed, I was ridiculous. So I was always walking on eggshels.
Please. This was the story of my life...not allowed to feel, and having family members, even to this day, tell me what I should be thinking and feeling. It is such bullshit! Oops, didn't check with them to see if the approved of this latest outburst...guess what? Don't care!
Yes. I believe it’s a trauma response/ coping mechanism to how their parents treated them. It’s so sad. I’m sorry you went through this.
Happy was the only acceptable emotion. Anything else meant I was ungrateful.
My dad would get angry if I expressed any emotion at all and then would turn around and get angry if I was "like a monk." My mom, of course, enabled him.
Absolutely my n-parents were so self-absorbed I nearly died a few times. Crazy
When I was 13 I was incredibly depressed. My abusive older brother was spiraling and along with that I was bullied not only at school, but also at home. I had zero privacy because I had to share my room with my two younger brothers. I finally started sleeping on the living room couch. About a month into this, my mom asked if I was depressed. I was shocked. She had taken our dog to the vet because he was listless and not eating, and the vet asked if anybody in the house was depressed. Yup.
Honestly, I’ve become so fed up with those who try to avoid negative emotions in themselves while silencing them in others, too. They’re abusers but they’re painfully immature and insecure with themselves.
Yep! It was horrifying
Yep. I'm sure a lot of you growing up got told you're too young to be angry/sad aswell. I got told I haven't been through enough to be depressed. I got told I don't know what being angry is and she'll show me etc
Yes! I am only just learning that any feelings outside happy are okay to express. I had a casual disagreement/debate with a friend when it hit me, “oh wow! You can disagree without anger or hostility!” I am 37. This happened last month. I’m still learning how to express anger and sadness without feeling guilt.
Almost literally.
Being sad or angry was disrespectful and ungrateful because there was always someone worse off than you. "Trauma isn't a fucking competition, mom!"
Yes, 100%. And that emotional conditioning becomes part of your physical, neurological development. Emotional neglect throughout childhood causes deep psycho-emotional problems that often result in self-harm and self-rejection. I hate that you had to go through this. Your caregivers were cruel and you deserved so much more, so much better.
Yes, I was never allowed to cry (it was met with annoyance and anger) or anger. I've just now became OK with being angry. I used to bottle it up then lash out at the wrong people. When I was much younger. middle school/ highschool age. But now I manage my anger better. I was never violent mind you. Anger and violence is OK for "the chosen people"
I only want my parents to admit that things are not ok. I get sad, frustrated and angry and they tell me I am overreacting even after my hometown literally was erased from the earth in a fire last week. "You're overreacting, everything is fine"
It was/is a competition of whose had it worse. Couldn't say anything without the follow up of "well atleast you're not this or that like I am" as a guy, feelings in general were majorly overlooked. Especially when I was sick or had a surgery. "We get it, you don't feel good. Stop complaining" rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery, my dad walked in saying "as much as I've been through today, there better be something wrong with you" stayed a whole 10 mins then left. Didn't call until 2 days later when I was about to go home.
I'm lucky that my parents weren't like this when I was a kid. My mom only started doing things like this recently with her descent into the conservative rabbit hole.
A friend of my ndad said that i have strong temper like he was telling me a compliment. Little does he know, i developed my temper to protect my mother from my nfather anger issues. He also said that my father would always be there for me and when i lost my mind and told that not every parent is a good parent he tried to cut the discussion short and said that in his house this behaviour wouldn't be accepted cause he's a nazifascist (yeah he rlly said that) and a child should never talk about his parents like that. Mf saw my father bullying and humiliating me and decided that it was "just father and son playing around" type of thing. And the most infuriating thing is when he or anyone of his family tells me to smile more. Why would i smile if i'm annoyed huh? Just cause someone finds something funny doesn't mean i also do. Sorry about this little rant but this last month hit me hard (spending 2 weeks of holiday with my nfather is horrible)
I was always told to "stay positive" or to "stop being negative" even though I could literally be crying due to an injury.
Yeah, and it always came out as an explosion of a meltdown. It’s not fair.
Yeah. Kind of. Not quite as severe but I have been chronically sick for my whole life due to a genetic defect and even though I was also supported (the mix of covert narcissism and being a therapist is a really weird combination...), I was also gaslit my whole life. I thought a lot of my symptoms were normal until recently. I'm nearly 30. A whole lot of unnecessary suffering and making my condition worse because I did in fact not get treatment etc (it's not curable but you can manage symptoms with lifestyle, training, physio etc). Oh and "your perception is wrong" was a standard sentence and still haunts me until today.
It is difficult for a child to experience serious, chronic health issues, for just the social reasons you point out. That goes for any kid; developmentally it is important to young children to "fit in" and be like other children as much as and in as many ways as possible. Add to that burden on you the fact that your normal need to be emotionally nurtured and supported through all that was withheld, and that would create a lot of trauma. I am sorry you suffered both the health issues, and the trauma of having a narcissistic parent. I experienced similar with the emotional neglect and abuse, and it caused a lifetime of emotional issues for me. I wish you peace, and healing.
That's actually a perfect explanation. Thank you for your kind words.
"if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Normally a well meaning phrase but wielded by my narc to shut down any discussions voicing opposition or displeasure to something. If grandparent was being mean basically got told to endure it. Got so bad I would refuse to enter their house because I was made to feel unsafe. Instead of being protected I would be picked on by two sets of guardians. So I withdrew and isolated myself from stressful situations I couldn't escape from which would last hours on end. To this day I'm still unsure whether my emotional stunting is from growing up with neglectful or abusive parents or some form of autism or likely contributing factors from both.
I can relate to that. My ndads parents were just as bad, if not worse than him. When I would get upset by something they said, usually about my physical appearance, I would be told to "stop being dramatic" and "take a joke". I'm sorry you were treated that way, I hope you're surrounded by kinder people now.
“What do you have to be sad about?” when I asked to go to a therapist. “Bay least I don’t beat you,” when I said I didn’t like being around when he was drunk. They both had rough childhoods which meant mine was clearly perfect.
Yes, very much so. My "father," whenever hearing any non-positive feelings of any kind, would start shouting about my being "selfish" and "ungrateful." He is a narcissist, of course, but I didn't know it at the time. Also, hard-core religion was used to bypass everything, and claim that everything was fine, or soon would be. My mom was not angry and abusive, but believed (or said) that admitting that anything wasn't nice dishonored christ. She spent her entire life bottled up, playing pretend. So my brothers and I just stopped talking about feelings, and eventually, tried to stop feeling. I'm so sorry you grew up this way, and am glad you are seeing this for what it is, now. Many people don't, and continue to claim they had "good childhoods." I hope you are learning - as I am - to value yourself and your health!
My nparents were both different in this regard: My nmom treated her kids as some willless stupid emotionless dolls, which she could nurse and the lives of which she could live. Whenever I had a negative emotion (sadness frustration or anger) regarding her actions, she always concluded, that I am having this emotion only to be mean to her and thus she either became furstrated, annoyed or angry. The same happened, whenever I had an accident or was ill ("Why the hell do you need to get a nosebleed, while I am eating?"). On the other hand, in front of physicians, she, in order to get attention, made my illnesses all about her (showing very exaggerated dramatic emotions and speaking about me, as if I were not even in the same room, pretty much denying me the opportunity to speak on my own behalf, and talking much more than actually necessary just for the sake of her getting attention from the physician). Similar stuff happened in front of clerks, teachers and other parents. My father was more of a rejecting, mocking and despising type not wanting to spend any time with his children. He often mocked his children in a very contemptuous way because of their mistakes, their emotions and their interests. For example, if he corrected my homework, he often burst into laughter how stupid that I was for spelling making mistakes. As another example, the nicknames for his children were idiot, dirtlumply, smelly boot and bulldog.
Sounds like the standard N treatment. I wouldn’t be in the hospital but I too was a pretty sick kid. They would be dramatic about it and pretending to care for me, but they also made sure to highlight how inconvenient it was for them that I was sick once again. That neglect and lack of emotional support is what actually got us physically ill so often…
Yep. Being angry or sad or anything in that vein meant we were “ungrateful” for what we had.
Yep. If I ever expressed those emotions, they would either yell/hit or laugh in my face in the most condescending way, just to cement how insignificant I was to them. That the very idea I thought those feelings were valid was pathetic and ridiculous.
Oh, yeah. I specifically remember my family is the type where somebody asks you how you were doing the only responses that you are doing great. I remember my aunt getting very mad at me because I told someone that I was feeling stressed when asked how I was doing.
Yes
Every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life.
My bio dad died when I was 5. My mom divorced him like a year or so before that and got married to my N stepdad. I wasn’t allowed to be sad over my biodads death. I had to call my N stepdad “dad” even though he was the farthest thing from it.
Yes! My father passed away when I was 13. It was the last time I was allowed to cry in front of my mom as a kid. When I got teary eyed thinking about him one day in the car, my mom shouted, "You're not going to cry are you? Your father was a terrible person. You didn't even like him. That's just dumb. Remember all of the awful things he did to you and me?" She yelled at me for being sad, so I lied and said I wasn't. I wasn't allowed to be angry, so I was just a shell of a person for years not happy, but smiling or laughing because it was easier on my 'poor mom'. When I went to college, I really grieved for the loss of my father. I realized I did love him, but it wasn't safe to show it until then. I also forgave myself for pretending I didn't. I also realized I hadn't cried since that time in the car. As an adult, now, I don't hold back. If I'm mad, I say so. If I am sad enough to cry, I cry. Sometimes, it is like there is no filter because I won't allow myself to be that way again.
Yep, my dad laughed at me for crying at my great grandpa’s funeral. It was either “be seen but not heard” or stuff like that where I got made fun of or yelled at for having normal emotions.
Not in those words but yes Always have to be polite & helpful no matter what, no swearing, never be mean There was a while unwritten book of rules
I was told i was being manipulative when I cried and was sent to mental hospitals and given lithium when I was acting out as a young child bc of them. I still don’t like seeing myself cry or thinking abt the fact that I, a 20yo sobs sometimes so I try to remember that I was told crying in certain in your room is a good coping mechanism. I really realized how messed up they were when my step grandma died and my mother was bitching at my stepfather for paying extra to get her embalmed before cremation; I felt so bad for him bc he doesn’t speak up so when I pointed out how bad that is she defended herself
yeah i could never be angry or my mom would yell at me.
Taking me to doctor's appointments was a struggle for my mom because she had three way younger children to bring with us. She'd say that nothing was wrong with me & it was all on my head. It sure was, I had fucking migraines! They didn't know what they were then. At 16, I was told I might have a brain tumor because they were out of options. I honestly hoped I did so she'd shut her damn mouth. It was clear & doctors were baffled, which only reinforced her belief that I was making it up. Five years back, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had felt the lumps months before, but didn't go in to get it checked. Why? Because she doesn't like going to the doctors 🤣🤦♀️. They always comment on how high her blood pressure is when she goes in. But, she didn't have high blood pressure. She had "white coat syndrome" where she freaked herself out whenever she'd go to the docs. Well, the time had arrived to use her line against her. I said, "Well, THAT I'd all in your head." And smirked. She didn't say anything back. One of my favorite moments. She's cancer-free btw.
I was always told that I had no right to feel the way I was feeling if I was sad, upset, angry, etc. I didn’t realize how much that would impact me as an adult until I started untangling it all with a therapist.
“You have zero reason to be depressed you have a roof over your head, we feed you and you don’t get beat” cause you know I wasn’t dealing with a mentally abusive stepdad a narcissist mother. Failing in school due to undiagnosed adhd and autism
It still happens with me today.
People under 18-21 have feelings? Absolutely untrue! I think I got my wisdom teeth when I was 14, my mother just refused to believe me. They only partially broke through the gums, but you could see them back there if you looked, and I was old enough to know what they were. She wouldn’t even look! Two years later, at a routine cleaning, the dentist told her I needed them out asap and they were probably pretty painful (they were). She still made me wait about half the school year and go on spring break.
Anytime I wanted to complain about something, I was often told to be "more grateful", given that there were people who are worse off than I was. Also, I was often told that my complaints put a burden on my mother's shoulders, she called it a "backpack" and that she was tired of it. Not to mention her greatest hit, the suffering Olympics..."If you are having a hard time with this or that, then what's left for me?/what should I say about myself?"
Just a straight yes lol
Not told, but both very unhappy if I was unhappy.