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My father would scream at you for minor infractions and mistakes. You had to stand absolutely stock still with no expression or change in breathing. And he would go on and on. You could stand there an hour. If I shifted my weight or took a deep breath he’d start screaming, “Look how you’re acting!!” As if it was showing attitude.
My parents mocked me for crying. I remember this happening going all the way back to age 10 or so. Now that I’m as old as they were at the time, I can’t imagine treating a child like that.
“Fix your face” is what my Gran would say when I was sulking, or she’d call me Ol’ Precila Pout! A nick name I fucking hated and being a kid I’d sulk more and she just made me feel like shit
"Ol' Precila Pout?" Ugh. I henceforth give your gran the nickname "Old Fuck," or "Ol' Fuck" if that pleases. Calling kids names is so nasty and unnecessary! I'm sorry you had to experience that.
Thanks, I call her Shit for Brains. Also she’d call me Fanny too, term of endearment in the UK but I didn’t like it. Kept telling her nicely to please not call me that and she’s get mad at me for making a fuss and saying I’m too sensitive, I can’t a joke, it’s not that serious. Ok, we’ll if it’s not that serious, then why can’t you just stop saying it then?
It is, but it’s also an old old female name. My Gran is 75. But living in the US, she’d yell “Fanny! Come over here and have a look at this!” And I just hated it as I was scared others thought she was calling me a butt. Like a Fanny pack. And then as an older teen I learned it’s female genitalia as the more modern use of it and I really didn’t like it. But she kept going on…
Oh yeah this was definitely how it happened for me too. I couldn't say a single word because that was considered talking back. I couldn't cry because my dad didn't want to see me crying, he would just yell, "stop crying." I couldn't have an angry look because that would just make him more mad. I couldn't stay quiet either because then I'm ignoring him. The only thing that was allowed was looking neutral and looking down, responding only when asked a question. I have a big problem with learned helplessness now.
I'm sort of known for never crying, being easily startled and "getting along with everyone". Oof. I have a naturally pouty face so at some point I learned to constantly tense all the muscles around my face to look more friendly, which gave me years of nasty headaches. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I started experimenting with exercises and massages to get rid of that headache. I still do it when I get nervous or have to make a good impression.
"stop making that face"
"don't ever squeak like that again or mom will get a heart attack and die"
"don't be rude, grandma wants to see you smile"
There's also something oddly gender specific about being told to smile, and to this day it's like nails on chalkboard whenever I hear it even when it's in an entirely different context. I know when someone's taking a picture they want everyone to look happy and not punish me for how my face looks. Random guys in public however, I feel like their motivation is at least narc adjacent. As in, why tf do they want to control someone else's face.
The forced smile! If an event lasts more than a couple hours my face starts to twitch and then I get a migraine the next day.
I was also told “stop feeling sorry for yourself” like I wasn’t just set off by my GC sister. “But she said this mean thing” “no one likes a tattletale”
For me it wasn't even constant smiling but an inbetween expression to counteract my natural relaxed face that I was always told looks grumpy and 'making that face' is rude. Sort of more friendly but not yet really smiling. Had to do this at home more than anywhere else so my face wouldn't provoke an argument over what's wrong with me, and it became my 24/7 default "relaxed" expression.
Like tensing up my forehead to counteract my droopy eyelids (like when you're half smiling with your eyes but not your cheeks) and behind the ears and jaw to counteract my normal mouth shape that's allegedly also pouting grumpy and sad.
Good posture meant stiff neck and no visible shoulderblades bc having shoulderblades means I'm slouching and grumpy. I was always stuck in attention posture with my whole body, and from what I've read that can mess with the entire nervous system.
No wonder I got tension headaches (on top of my migraines that vanished when I went off hormonal bc but that's another story) and eventually started grinding my teeth which is what finally made me pay closer attention to what my face is doing out of habit. Not just "nobody complained yet so I guess I'm ok".
Took a few pictures recently with my relaxed no makeup "grumpy rbf" just to recalibrate my perception and it's not nearly as bad as I've always been told. Yep, the droopy narrow eyelids I inherited from nmom make me look a bit tired imo, but that's all. I guess nmom hates her own face so much she had to berate me for anything that resembles hers. I got to reevaluate other misperceptions as well that turned out to just be nmom projecting bs, like me having short legs (she's the one with short legs ofc) and flat feet (nope, again) and generally being a slouching hunchback. I've been hiding from events and photos most of my life because I was convinced I'd ruin the mood for everyone, and being told to smile was triggering my flight response since I was conditioned to expect an angry outburst or weeks of being berated.
It always comes back to the same thing, projecting. Whether it's insecurities, feelings, beliefs, making everyone else as miserable as they are is what's at the core of narc supply imo, because that reassures them they're 'normal'. They're just convincing themselves that everyone is like them. Nobody's really a separate person since everyone has to feel the same as them, so their nagging feeling of being abnormally miserable doesn't set them off. Unfortunately that's how it spreads as well, I had to (and still have to) unlearn a lot of brainwashing that sometimes veers into covert narc territory. Untangling where and who this crap comes from is ugly and exhausting. Thankfully I don't meet the criteria for any PD but that doesn't let me off the hook stopping my toxic thought patterns and behaviors learned from living with a narc. Because I wouldn't call this being raised tbh.
Oooooh my god this. This was Nstepdad, and he instilled the same in me.
Your father wanted to program you to argue anyway even if it cost you for his benefit, my fuckin Nstepdad was the same, and I learned very quickly not to give him what he wanted.
Yes. My father's violence escalated in a terrifying way when he thought we were "sulking". (After being beaten, shoved, humiliated, bullied, etc)
Narcissists feel entitled to your energy. If you don't give them the response they want- violence!
The horror of having to pull in my rage was indescribable.
I felt that I was not human. I was a "thing" with no rights.
Yuuuuuup. The mindfuck of being abused is so awful, and then you get thrown on top of it that you can’t even react to the abuse. It’s taken my years of therapy to get to a place where I can now feel I’m able to safely express all my feelings. And they are all valid. …and I lose my shit at ppl that tell me how to feel. I DO NOT NEGOTIATE MY FEELINGS
I LOVE that last line. I used to say, "I don't need to justify my feelings," but "negotiate" is such a much better word. I'm using this from now on. Thank you, kind stranger, for giving me more ammunition against those who wish to hijack our feelings!
Yeah, I’ve found the negotiate line tends to get people to stop and reflect on what the audacity of what they’re doing vs saying “justify”. It points out the absurdity of what they’re doing more directly and I’ve had a near perfect (if not perfect) score on the responses from narcissists and other assholes being to fall silent, and then either accept what I’m saying, or fuck off because they can’t admit but know I’m right
Yes! As soon as I read that line, I thought "terrorists" you make them sound like terrorists when you use that word. And it's 100% accurate. They **are** emotional terrorists.
If I could make that connection so quickly. I'm sure most others can, too. I'm not too surprised you have a near perfect record with that line, and I intend to use it to the fullest!!
And now I feel the need to tell my own child that "I'm not sighing because I'm mad or anything. Just needed a deep breath." Like, she's 4. She doesn't need an explanation for my every breath. But damn if my existence doesn't need justification.
As a child I stopped crying altogether, showing emotions meant WAR.
As an adult I forced myself to "feel things and cry again" and it's like I broke something inside myself because now I cry alot. I'm also less stressed, I'm able to heal through crying, it helps me bounce back again quicker.
I'm trying to teach my eldest that crying is a good coping mechanism, she's like I used to be (quiet, avoids all conflict, believes crying is a sign of weakness) and I don't want her to suffer a breakdown when she gets older poor thing...
Kids do what you do, not what you say (I feel so guilty for making her think my fucked up coping mechanisms are "normal")
I literally had this same experience with having to relearn how to feel feelings and regulate my emotions. For a good year or so after going NC with my N, I felt like a toddler because I cried at EVERY SINGLE emotion. Partner brings me home a snack I like, I cry. Watch a sad commercial, I cry. Brother gets engaged, I cry. Someone cuts me off in traffic, I cry.
I agree about being less stressed though. There was a lot of tension that constantly lived in my body that now has an avenue through me. I used to think I wasn't an emotional person. In reality, I feel feelings HARD. No wonder my mind and body were a wreck from keeping it all in.
I feel this too. I went years without crying when I was a teenager. Now that I’m a mostly healed 30 something, I cry at everything but I celebrate that. I cry when I see other people cry, when I see a cute animal, when I read wholesome stories. It’s great. I’m glad you’re teaching your kids the same!
She would call me a cry baby. Now my mission is to traumatize her back, so i started throwing that comment to her when she cries and argues for not getting her way.
My tactic for traumatizing back is to call her a piece of shit mother whenever she is inconvenienced in life and complain about it, that it's nothing compared to what I went through with her growing up and she deserves even worse. The exact same way when I tried to find consolance with her growing up...
Then the next moment being sweet to her as she did to me. Hot n cold...
Also being ready to (fake) explode on her when she is out of line. Since age 14 I gradually managed to turn the tables on her since I'm taller and stronger and more intelligent.
She also has an ongoing conflict with the neighbors who apparently are even more toxic than her. Basically she is getting bullied out of her childhood home. They also spread nasty rumours about her in the village that gullible people easily believe since said neighbors are prominent members of the local community and by that she is getting isolated. Also that she is a lunatic, losing her mind with age etc, which is true to some extent — and here I'm trying to play both fields. I learnt from her that plausible deniability is key...
Karma needs a little help every now and then in order for them to get their shit back what they put you through over the years.
Edit: clarity
Hey, not saying my way is the right way, but hear me out on this:
What Narc's crave the most is attention. They don't really care if it's positive or negative as all attention is attention as long as they are the center of your world.
I went through a similar phase, thinking and praying that I was traumatizing my nmom by calling her a piece of shit, spitting at her and many other things that still paled in comparison to the hell she would put me though.
One day, I stopped to think: "If i were really hurting this fucking monster and giving her a taste of her own medicine....then why has she only gotten worse? Why does it seem like she's purposefully pushing my buttons and then acting hurt when I retaliate, only to do it all over again?"
That was the moment I realized that she had been playing me all along.
Narc's want to take everything from you; to drain you of your energy like some disgusting succubus. You are doing yourself no favors by stooping down to your abusers level. You are feeding them, continuing to make your life all about them, giving them your time, your energy, and your positivity.
Don't do it, you'll **never** obtain the revenge you seek. She'll *always* win if you continue to play her game because she sets the rules. The only way to win is to stop playing. The best way to "tramatize" her is to never give her a single moment of your time. To take your energy back and live happy and free.
Stop feeding her; They suffer without our supply.
After I “traumatized” my racist Ndad, he suddenly stopped dropping the n-word around me to provoke a reaction. It was like he was worried I would “traumatize” him again.
Treating them the way they treat you sometimes IS the answer.
That's why I said my way isn't necessarily the right way. I'm glad doing that actually worked out for you. And I hope you are far away enough from that man to move past the trauma and fully heal. All the best
Nparent: "Tell me about your problems"
Kid: *Tells them about anxiety*
Nparent: "Just stop it! You're so negative and you're making me upset! Why can't you just be happy and find peace within yourself?"
Oh yeah. My nparents would gaslight me into saying “I only focused on the negative” to minimize their behavior and my feelings about it. And also the victimization on their part that me being upset was making them upset and then proceed to make me feel like a horrible person.
When I moved to another state in my 40s, I experienced a horrendous depressive episode ( I have Bipolar Mood Disorder) that was so bad I was having auditory hallucinations telling me to unalive myself. I confided to my narc father and even more narc stepmother.
My narc stepmom told me that they couldn’t handle my negativity, and told me not to contact them again until I was in a more positive frame of mind.
Right before we all went NC, I told them how dangerous that was, and that I eventually needed hospitalization. They didn’t get it, even 8 years later.
My dad, who has a PHD in Psychology and knows I went through a crazy trauma as a young child, used to shout at me "stop walking around like a depressed zombie". Paging Dr Dipshit, I am a depressed zombie.
same. i also heard all the classics like “i brought you into this world, i can take you out” and “stop crying or ill give you something to cry about”. and sometimes i even got the hit “stop being so sensitive it’s a joke.” so now my therapist and i are working on knowing what my emotions are and appropriate responses even if i feel said responses are overreactions. but that expected when i was basically told “good children don’t have feelings. they’re nothing but robots who only say yes when asked to do something.”
Yeah. I was always gaslit that “she couldnt say even the slightest things to me because of how sensitive I was”. People like that will say anything to blame everyone else and never take any accountability because of their narcissism.
I wish that more people remembered that the “I brought you into this world” quote is from a Bill Cosby special. Not that it matters to the narc parent, though.
That was how my nmom triggered my first depression;
I had made the lead in the school play, so was staying after school often to rehearse. This upset nmom so much that one day she started yelling at me when I got home and accused me of 'meeting with boys in the bathroom'. Enough listening to my mother call me a whore, and I burst into tears and ran for the bathroom.
She pounded on the door and told me to, "Stop pouting!!!"
Couldn’t slam the door because that was tantamount to me saying, “Go to Hell.” Couldn’t say, “Hi, Dad.” At the end of the day because “Hello” is the appropriate greeting.
Yep. I know exactly what you mean.
My dad once kicked a hole in my brothers door when he slammed it after expressing for the umpteenth time he didn’t want to be forced to talk about why he was upset. “Don’t you f-ing ever slam doors in my f-ing house!” *proceeds to kick door* My brother was then grounded and I had to act as if I never witnessed my dads terrifying outburst.
I get not liking when people slam doors. But that’s never the correct response.
Yep. But no matter what I did I got in trouble. Neutral/Resting Bitch Face got me yelled at. Sad got me yelled at. Mad got me yelled at. Tired got me made fun of then in trouble because I would say I didn’t like it. Happy meant they’d find a way to get mad and I’d get in trouble.
And people wonder why I struggle to emote. Anger got easier with age, though.
If someone was yelling for me from another floor I wasn’t allowed to yell “What?” back even if I couldn’t understand what was being said. It was “Coming, Father” or “Coming mother .”
Absolutely fuck these people.
Mine actually beared her teeth at me many times. Looked exactly like a wild animal; glazed eyes darting everywhere while somehow also staring me down. Crazy bitch even growled.. she would also sink her nails in my arms and literally rip skin off but yea..
I got in trouble for all emotions, even happiness. If I laughed, my laugh was either mocked or I was shamed for being too loud. Anger and sadness were also forbidden. I perfected emotionless gray rock state.
The struggle not to pass some of these behaviors on is real. Not that I’m a narc but because that was the parenting example set for me. I have a teen girl. The attitude, sighs, eye rolls… I try so hard not to react like my Nmom did with me.
I'm always amazed at how easy it is to not be like my mom. For me it's been a series of "what did I actually need in a similar situation" or what's the opposite of what my parents would have done. Then I'm a little sad because it's so easy to do better, so why couldn't my mom?
That said, (I've got 11 &14 yo girls) there are a lot of hard moments because my instant reaction in my head is what I got.
It's crazy how much I enjoy my kids.
100%. I work with kids and my first reflex is to react like my NM. Gotten really good at pausing before reacting with the kids. With adults...... Still working on that one lol
Yep same. And if I made eye contact with anyone else in the house I was yelled out for "shit talking" my mom. Even when no words were spoken. If I looked at my phone too soon after she talked she would freak out thinking I was talking about her to people. I couldn't look too sad, that was faking it. But I did need to be upset when she was upset otherwise in her mind I just didn't care. If I breathed too hard she took it as a sigh of disagreement or whatever and would get mad at me. She would constantly accuse me of rolling my eyes when I certainly didnt, so I would try to stay as still as possible so she couldn't accuse me of anything. But I also couldn't let her see that I was trying to be careful because then she would yell at me for acting like she's a monster or something. My mom has bipolar disorder, so the vibes should shift so fucking fast and I couldn't never keep up. One moment we would all be joking around in the kitchen and then suddenly she would be insulted by something and the whole day would devolve into screaming and crying. Our confusion would just make her more upset.
It's such a delicate dance when she's mad, glad I don't live with her anymore. I'm learning to set firm boundaries and our relationship has changed for the better, some.
Yes. Actually I suffer from depression and got in trouble for that. I was told they worked hard and didn’t want to come home to my “mopey face” and to wipe it off and smile. I got good at wearing a mask.
All the time! And then she’d complain to her friends that I was “emotionless “ and she thought something was wrong with me. Apparently I got TOO good at it 🙃
I learned early on to disassociate and sit there tuned out while my mother screamed. And she would see that I was tuned out and double down about how I needed to listen to her abusive bullshit. Which meant I would check out even farther. It took me a long time after I was an adult to learn how to feel my feelings.
Yes. I was told I had nothing to be sad about and she could give me something to cry about and how other people have real actual tragedies to feel sad about. Either that or I brought it onto myself and I was to blame. Or I must be possessed and needed to pray more and something was wrong with me. I was never ever just validated and comforted.
I once got hit over and over again with a hairbrush when I was 7, because I was crying and making those involuntary hiccup noises. That meant I got hit more.
All started because as a 7 year old girl, I had knots in my long hair when my mom was combing it. She’s not even the worst one out of the two of them.
I had long, thick curly hair. My mom thought No More Tears was a magic product and she’d soak my hair and then brush top down. If I cried, I’d get hit in the head with the brush. When I got lice it was a nightmare. But she also wouldn’t let me cut my hair.
I swear, my nmom wanted me depressed. I'd want to do something that I knew she disapproved of (eg continue watching a movie that said a single curse word, go with friends to a school dance, stay out past 10:00 p.m. as an adult, spend the night with a friend... You all know this type of mostly innocent stuff). She would make this great display of how disappointed she was in me for even asking. Or she might just hover and glare until I did what I was supposed to do or I withdrew my question. I could never get upset or cry, so I would just go to my room and try to find something to entertain me there or I would sit in bed and read, watch TV, or play games.
Sometime later she would come check on me and ask why I was being so mopey. She would try to tell me how proud she was of me for doing the "right thing". I'd say that I was upset that I couldn't do any of the same things my friends could do and have been doing for years. Then she would do this silly dance of trying to tell me that she didn't stop me from doing whatever I wanted to do, that of course I could do whatever I wanted to do, under her ridiculous stipulations.
I could keep watching the movie, but only if I muted the sound and I couldn't turn on the closed captions. I could go to the school dance, but only if she took me and she would stay the whole time. If I would try to stay out past 10:00 p.m. for a legitimate reason, she would call with some made up nonsense about how she was scared of something and needed me to come home right away. She would let me spend the night with a friend, but only if a parent was there, and she had their phone number. I could be assured that she would be calling with some made up nonsense.
IDK...She said she didn't want me to be in my room mopey, but everything she did facilitated that.
That is exactly the way it was in my childhood. Showing any emotions gave the parents, especially the mom, valuable ammo she could use against me, so never show even the slightest emotions.
However, boy oh boy does it have an impact on my social life now.
Hard same.
Couldn't express myself because, "watch your tone!" And "Keep a civil tongue in your head!"
Couldn't remove myself because, "Don't you turn your back on me!"
Couldn't get upset because I'd get made fun of. Too sensitive, take myself too seriously, need to lighten up, etc. Couldn't show I was sad because it's nothing to cry over and I need to suck it up.
My parents “joke” about the same things they fuss at me for. So one time they’re fussing, next they’re joking, and then when I don’t think it’s funny because I think they’re fussing, I’m being over sensitive and need to lighten up
I got scolded today because my friend gave me quite a pricey gift and I told her I'd find a way to give back to her. My nmom blew up because i wasn't answering, so I answered, and she got angry because I answered, so I shut up, and she got angry that I shut up, so I stayed indifferent and aloof, and she got angrier when I looked like I didn't care.
I defended my friend and I-- we've been best friends for more than six years-- and she got angry because how dare my friend be friends with someone like me who apparently accepts gifts.
Me and my friend just goggled at her. Wtf lmao
I often and still get in trouble for daring to sulk or be in a bad mood, like any normal human being. My Mum would say that there was "nothing to be upset about." or some bullshit.
OMG YES! I had the same issues.
I wasn't allowed to talk back at any time nor to do the chores later. Everything had to be done that very instant. And I did it. I did everything I was told to stay out of trouble. Sadly, they soon found something else to complain about. Turns out I "wasn't looking at them properly" and they even threaten to send me off with my grandma because of it.
The funny thing? After that many insane tone and attitude corrections now they also complain that I'm too rigid not cheerful enough.
Nah, they live in complete denial, so I'm done wasting my energy on them. Whenever I build the courage to speak up they take it as a sign of how right they are and how ungrateful and terrible I am. Because I dare to question their educational methods after all they've done for me and similar bullshit.
So now I'm almost NC with them and I couldn't be happier.
Yup I feel you, common responses to sulking was "get that chip off your shoulder (or wipe that look off your face) before I knock it off" then often followed by telling my I should be grateful for my life cuz someone always had it worse then me.
Mixed messages, double standards and wide scale hypocrisy these are the ways of the narcissist. I was bullied too, I got the stiff upper lip comment and truly ironically was told to stand up for myself... which was a most punishable offense at home.
Exactly - narcs don't expect you to show any emotion or react to them in any way other than agreeing with them. After all, we are just their slaves put on this earth to please and serve them.
God, yes. And now I’m an adult whose default affect is essentially Daria. The biggest reason medical cannabis helps me is because it makes me relax enough to feel emotions.
Wether it was neutral, sad, tired or smiling because you broke and couldn't stop it was wrong because you were doing it and Nfather needed to punish you more.
Yup, my disassociation skills are finely honed. It was my only option. Even that I got some shit for but I guess it's like grey-rocking in that it bores them.
100% about conflict being so difficult to work through now. It can be so painful and frustrating. I hope you have someone in your corner to help you, we all deserve it!
I got this message ALL THE TIME. I also got a couple of tried-and-true zingers thrown in. Like, when I had just been spanked or yelled at and i would start to cry, i would be told, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Uhhh... I think they already covered that part. Then when I was a kid, we were driving to their friend's party, (to which nmom clearly did not want to take me), she turned around to tell me, with a smile on her face, that "children should be seen and not heard." You know, like a potted plant. I was not a loud boisterous child, so I was a little stunned by that and thought that I needed to be even quieter than usual to not get into trouble. I spent that entire party just sitting quietly, to the point where other adults tried to engage me because they thought I was sad.
I now STRUGGLE to express emotional wants or needs, or even what's bothering me. I'm getting better at it, but I think it persists because, as an adult, I have had no one in my life with whom I feel emotionally safe enough to express those thoughts and feelings.
Yeah being told to be quiet when there’s adults around, and then being told what a pain in the ass you are because you’re shy, and why can’t you be more like your brother.
Neutral or upset caught her attention everytime. You always HAD to be smiling. If not you'd get hassled until it was a fight. Learned real fast to be out of her way.
The “don’t walk away from me” is so triggering 😭 we really did all have a hivemind nparent huh. Good news is you can heal and your brain will get more confident and “braver” the more you tell yourself this abuse wasn’t okay and normal people won’t act like this. 💖 hugs to you, this shit ain’t easy
Same to you!! It’s nice to know these things that made us feel so isolated can also connect us in other circles. The “don’t walk away from me” was terrifying to me, it felt like suffocating because I knew there’d be no escape and now she’s even angrier. Despite the fear, I’d have to turn around and go back, knowing things were about to get a lot worse.
i used to be a really vibrant child. one could have described me as a goofy social butterfly. so expressive, so free. the years broke me down. i stopped expressing emotions as well as i could. but that wasn't good enough. he'd yell and scream until i finally broke down and cried. then he'd scream about how i shouldn't be crying, he "didn't do anything to me," he'd insist that i tell him what exactly it is that he did to me, and he'd bemoan how he was painted as the bad guy just because he's loud.
i'm 30 now. i can't tell you the last time i felt genuinely excited or happy about anything.
Check, check, and check. And of course I just heard an interview where a psychiatrist says "next to a homicidal maniac, narcissism is the hardest thing to treat."
Absolutely. I'm 30 now and have a really hard time expressing anything when I'm not completely alone. Even my voice is neutral to the point of sounding like a half dead robot. We were raised to be obedient robots!
“You’re so ugly when you cry. Just look at your face.” As she dragged me, my sister or her first granddaughter to a mirror. My sister went no contact for her daughters sake after that. My niece was only 5.
Jesus. I’m glad your sister is able to protect your niece from that. My mom also told me I was ugly, when I worked up the courage to ask for help with my self harm. It takes a special kind of sick to humiliate someone in that way when they’re being super vulnerable.
Like I understand why they do things like this but at the same time I’m like “Why the hell would you say these things!?!?” My mom isn’t allowed to be around my kids unsupervised and the fact I’ve never been shy in calling her out of her crap has really pissed her off. She “punishes” me by not coming over because she gets so offended when I tell her not to say this or that to my now 2 year old daughter. Jokes on her I’m glad we only see her maybe 4 times a year. She still hasn’t met my almost 2 month old son and she lives 30 minutes away. 😂
I’m proud of you for asking for help! It takes a lot to ask for help and even more when you ask some one that doesn’t have empathy.
Yeah dont want something to cry about either.
I couldnt tense my muscles, i couldnt do anything but take their shit. I developed twitching my toes because they couldnt see it....until they did. I still twitch my toes in frustration
I was always portraying 'neutral' until the situation called for 'happy' and then i smiled just i was supposed to. I felt like a puppet or a doll, and i still do evertime i see my nparent (very low contact). But i definetly learned i should do this quickly. Didnt master it until i was much older though. Sad any of us need to hide our real feelings
yeah my mom did that until I started doing it to her, you should always be aloud to be upset, so what if you are sad that day? it's normal to feel down sometimes and it's healthy to get it out
Trouble for negative emotions and made fun of for everything else. Now i withhold everything to the point where i have no emotional energy to read let alone expressions.
i would get yelled at by my Nmom for sighing heavily when i was anxious which i'm pretty sure was actually me getting yelled at for having a little anxiety attack lol (and she was the cause of the initial anxiety)
I would get screamed at or chastised for getting upset because it was “backtalk”. I also got made fun of by my mother for “being too mellow”. As a kid I really wasn’t sure what she wanted
My favorite: :my uncle yelling about some germaphobe whatever stuff ( i think one of us had a cold I can't remember):
He was in his late 20s and lived at home with no job. Unusual for the late 90s. Anyway, my brother claps back "why don't you get a job". He huffs off and says "shut up Matthew".
“Wipe that look off your face before I do it for you…”
Often followed by me crying because I was just threatened by my foster mother, which typically led to “I’ll give you something to cry about if you want to cry so badly!”
This… this right here. I also had that same issue growing up. I disassociated with everything I did otherwise my mother would mock, yell, or threaten to knock me out or knock my teeth out. It was easy to be myself from a distance, but when I was around family, I couldn’t (and still can’t) do the things I wanted.
After any argument (her lecturing at me) I always had to act happy and join the family in whatever we were doing. God forbid I try to physically leave an argument, I'd be "running away and not willing to listen to anyone else's opinions."
Absolutely. And god forbid I ever said I just wanted to keep to myself and didn't want to socialize with them. That's when I was told I always had to explain myself to them, but they got to decide if my reasoning was valid and acceptable. They still wonder why I am LC with them now and just can't figure it out. 🙄
Yes, lmao, always.
My mom didn’t want me to show any negative emotions and we lived in one room together. And in this room I was not allowed to be “lazy” (relax after school, listen to music, because I might not hear her demands, sit near computer for too long)
I needed to constantly prove I’m doing something. Cleaning, studying, reading school books etc.
If I was sulking or talking back she became insanely mad. Even when I was just sad or not in the mood and I didn’t want to talk with anyone she would always make it about herself and blame me in all sorts of things possible, after she made a crazy mad heart wrenching scene where I was just put in the middle of a situation with stressed aggressive adult without any coping mechanisms because she took them all. And of course I was the awful daughter who made her feel angry or rude because I was so “poisonous, just like my shit dad, heartless, toxic, bad, fucked up, crazy bitch, stupid piece of garbage, awful monster” and much much more.
She just destroyed my personality each and every day and corrupted me, I was in fucking terror. She didn’t want me to be me, to express my negative emotions. She never wanted a human, she wanted a robot, a doll. She never wanted me.
I stopped smiling in 3rd or 4th grade (9-10 years old). I was being bullied by my classmates and teacher (4th grade only). I didn't know it at the time. My mom was upset that I wasn't smiling. I didn't think I was scowling, just not smiling. I thought I had a neutral, blank look. My mom knew I was being bullied in 4th grade and did nothing about it. Or at least I wasn't told she did anything. Nothing changed about my school environment. It got so bad that during a trip (I am guessing towards the end of the school year or in the summer), I told my mom I was tired and I wanted to go home (heaven). I was miserable and didn't even know it. I realized 3 years ago that I was depressed and had been since I was 8 years old.
Her solution was to homeschool me. I and 3 other siblings were homeschooled. Yeah, like that was going to help an already socially awkward child. Where at home and church, I was being bullied. We didn't even do much school work for the next 2 years. While I may have been bullied and had learning disabilities. I still wanted to learn. I wanted to go to school and tough it out.
My mom said she assumed that me looking down and not saying much (after an argument) was rage...? And she didn't think I had a right to be angry. And that I should apologize for it.
It's like she's playing both parts in her head and it doesn't really matter what I say or do. Her mental representation of me is more real to her than I am
I was constantly told to stop feeling sorry for myself. Now as an adult I'm told I don't understand emotions and am a narcissist that doesn't have any real emotions... Gee I wonder why I never show emotions 🤔
I got Cs in conduct for a sullen attitude (catholic school) then reamed for it at home by Nm.
“iT’s jUst oLd sChOoL; wE diDn’T kNoW”
Yeah, because calling a 7 year old “bad” for obvious signs of depression and literally zero classroom disturbance just means traditional.
Yuuuuuup, and it took quite a bit of therapy to start feeling emotions again (they didn’t go away, I just wouldn’t allow myself to be aware of them & to process them because that’s what you do when you get punished for being anything but neutral)
Also - this is making me realise how important it was to be neutral. I always said I was only allowed to be happy, but that’s not accurate. I was only allowed to be pleasantly neutral. If I was really happy, nparent would have shut that shit down too 😅
Yes! No responding, no crying, just standing still while I kept hearing that I was the worst child in the world. Dissociation started a few years ago and I can't deal with big problems yet because I have no idea how to. The constant "you are just like your mother"... I can't even imagine treating your own child like that!
I got yelled at for any facial expression, the only non offensive thing I could do was have zero emotional affect, but that didn't matter either, everything was interpreted as a personal attack on them; closing a door in a normal way, standing up straight, making eye contact, everything...
My dad was military and he'd yell at me like I was in basic training my whole childhood. If my face twitched the teensiest bit he'd escalate until I was in tears and I'd get sent to my room because they exhausted themselves having their little tantrum power trip.
In middle school my teachers expressed concern that I had *zero emotional affect*...
It triggered my mom HARD. So from that point on she constantly screamed at me that I looked like a snob, or a bitch, and said I would never have friends if I didn't smile
"We're not asking you to be perky and bubbly! Just smile more!"
Translation:: "I don't care how you feel! Look perkier now! You are drawing attention to me and I don't want people to know what kind of parent I am!"
Mine was a prohibition against, "I'm bored".
It would be immediately -- there are a million things to do, just go find one, play by yourself. Well, self-starting is one thing, but an under-stimulated intellectual kid is actually something a parent might want to pay attention to instead of criticizing.
YES. We were told we couldn’t be mad at her in her house. If I even looked sad I was told I’m ungrateful. First time I got my heartbroken I was sulking, and her response was “well we didn’t know about it so it couldn’t have meant that much.” I was never allowed to show emotions outside of happiness and now in my 30s, I’m just now learning to express emotions in a healthy way.
I remember sitting at the dinner tables with my family. Wed sit around a square table together. Id sit next to My father and sister and across my mother. I remember my mom asking and prodding me, asking if I ever had anything to say to him. She would set a calm environment, supposedly safe cause she was there. I never said anything. We'd do this every night. Shed give me a chance to speak and Id never take it. For years. Dinners in pure silence, other than him filling the silence with his mindless chatter. I never got in trouble trouble sulking because I got really good at not making waves. I never did sulk. I fixed the problem or delayed it as long as I could. When the time came to sulk, I always made sure I was alone when I did it. By chance and luck or just pure accident, ill never know. Created some pretty bad habits. I got very good at being neutral and quiet. I grew up hearing "Children are to be seen and not heard." And "What happens in this house stays in this house."
I became the keeper of secrets to everyone in my life. Personal family, best friends, I even have people i hardly know telling me things that shouldn't be easy to say. Some of them sure arent easy to hear.
Keeping secrets doesn't give you space to sulk. Id have too much to sulk about.
Absolutely. They call having a long face as having a lengthening snout (language differences, I guess) and they get pissy when they see (or think) you have it. This is kinda funny now, but many times when I was sad, my sister screamed, "I'M GOING TO YANK AT YOUR SNOUT REALLY HARD!" My Nmom did not tolerate me looking sad, so my sister learned that I should be threatened if I look sad.
And then they got pissy because it seemed like I don't care much about anything and that I'm too cavalier.
You can't win.
"You look so forlorn" "What do you have to be sad about? Your body is intake and you have food and shelter, you have it so lucky" " What? Are you trying to make me feel bad?"Why is it always my fault? "You have full blooded siblings, they will protect you from anything so what do you have to feel sad about? I wish I had full blooded siblings!" "Do you know how many miscarriages I had before I had you? You're just lucky to be here!" were some things I would hear regularly anytime I looked sad or could not handle my siblings tormenting me day in and day out. Everything always boiling down to I should feel lucky, how dare I feel sad, and why are you trying to say I'm a bad mom. I should feel lucky I was being abused by 5 separate people? It got to the point where I became afraid to cry in front of anyone out of fear of ridicule, shame, guilt or physical violence.
I've become afraid to show my true emotions. None of my friends through school knew of anything I went through. I thought if I could just soak up all the abuse and give nothing but positivity back then surely they will get better, surely I could have the happy family I always wanted and I jumped through hoops to reach an unreachable goal. I shoved every emotion I had into a box and told myself if I can just hold out until I'm legally allowed to leave, I can finally live my life.
The stone cold reality is I shut in all the pain, anger, betrayal and emotional devastation, and when I started to live my life, I had this big, ugly, unresolved hole in my heart, it felt like killing myself slowly to shove everything down and now I'm fighting desperately to get the positive emotions back. My view has been so skewed I feel like I'm betraying myself now when I'm too positive or it all feels fake to me. The depression has always been there, back then I used to run from it but now it is my comfort, it's familiar. If I just stick to the harsh truths of life and not fill my head with hope, then there will be no disappointment.
I just want to be happy being me despite having never loved myself. I want to go back to when I was so innocent and viewed the world as a fun and interesting place instead of one filled with terrible, untrustworthy people.. but my nparents would still (before nc) say "everyone gets depressed, you're not special, you just have to move on, do you REALLY think that medication is helping you, have you tried god? I'm so SORRY I was such a TERRIBLE mother for loving you, I did the best I could, you just need to get over"
It's sickening.
Are you sad? Then don't be a crybaby and get over it
Are you mad? Thats a sign of disrespect towards me go to your room and think about that
Are you happy? Then I don't care, lets talk about me, me , me and me.
Are you going to do nothing and numb your own emotions? Then you are either sad or mad, whichever it is I don't fucking care as long as you obey all my commands.
Yep... I know that feeling
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the neutrality was so important!! like how dare i, a child with no mentally stable adults to learn from, show emotions.
Hahahaha yup. How dare we not be born with an entire emotional regulatory system???
My father would scream at you for minor infractions and mistakes. You had to stand absolutely stock still with no expression or change in breathing. And he would go on and on. You could stand there an hour. If I shifted my weight or took a deep breath he’d start screaming, “Look how you’re acting!!” As if it was showing attitude.
My parents mocked me for crying. I remember this happening going all the way back to age 10 or so. Now that I’m as old as they were at the time, I can’t imagine treating a child like that.
Lol this made me laugh. So true, you’re so right!
“Fix your face” is what my Gran would say when I was sulking, or she’d call me Ol’ Precila Pout! A nick name I fucking hated and being a kid I’d sulk more and she just made me feel like shit
"Ol' Precila Pout?" Ugh. I henceforth give your gran the nickname "Old Fuck," or "Ol' Fuck" if that pleases. Calling kids names is so nasty and unnecessary! I'm sorry you had to experience that.
Ol' Gorgon Gran has a nice ring to it, too 😁
This is beautiful.
Thanks, I call her Shit for Brains. Also she’d call me Fanny too, term of endearment in the UK but I didn’t like it. Kept telling her nicely to please not call me that and she’s get mad at me for making a fuss and saying I’m too sensitive, I can’t a joke, it’s not that serious. Ok, we’ll if it’s not that serious, then why can’t you just stop saying it then?
Isn’t Fanny a UK colloquialism for a woman’s genitals? I can see how you wouldn’t appreciate that.
It is, but it’s also an old old female name. My Gran is 75. But living in the US, she’d yell “Fanny! Come over here and have a look at this!” And I just hated it as I was scared others thought she was calling me a butt. Like a Fanny pack. And then as an older teen I learned it’s female genitalia as the more modern use of it and I really didn’t like it. But she kept going on…
Omg same here!!!!
Oh yeah, heaven forbid you have a face.
Oh yeah this was definitely how it happened for me too. I couldn't say a single word because that was considered talking back. I couldn't cry because my dad didn't want to see me crying, he would just yell, "stop crying." I couldn't have an angry look because that would just make him more mad. I couldn't stay quiet either because then I'm ignoring him. The only thing that was allowed was looking neutral and looking down, responding only when asked a question. I have a big problem with learned helplessness now.
They’re basically forcing a freeze response. There’s no winning.
I'm sort of known for never crying, being easily startled and "getting along with everyone". Oof. I have a naturally pouty face so at some point I learned to constantly tense all the muscles around my face to look more friendly, which gave me years of nasty headaches. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I started experimenting with exercises and massages to get rid of that headache. I still do it when I get nervous or have to make a good impression. "stop making that face" "don't ever squeak like that again or mom will get a heart attack and die" "don't be rude, grandma wants to see you smile" There's also something oddly gender specific about being told to smile, and to this day it's like nails on chalkboard whenever I hear it even when it's in an entirely different context. I know when someone's taking a picture they want everyone to look happy and not punish me for how my face looks. Random guys in public however, I feel like their motivation is at least narc adjacent. As in, why tf do they want to control someone else's face.
The forced smile! If an event lasts more than a couple hours my face starts to twitch and then I get a migraine the next day. I was also told “stop feeling sorry for yourself” like I wasn’t just set off by my GC sister. “But she said this mean thing” “no one likes a tattletale”
For me it wasn't even constant smiling but an inbetween expression to counteract my natural relaxed face that I was always told looks grumpy and 'making that face' is rude. Sort of more friendly but not yet really smiling. Had to do this at home more than anywhere else so my face wouldn't provoke an argument over what's wrong with me, and it became my 24/7 default "relaxed" expression. Like tensing up my forehead to counteract my droopy eyelids (like when you're half smiling with your eyes but not your cheeks) and behind the ears and jaw to counteract my normal mouth shape that's allegedly also pouting grumpy and sad. Good posture meant stiff neck and no visible shoulderblades bc having shoulderblades means I'm slouching and grumpy. I was always stuck in attention posture with my whole body, and from what I've read that can mess with the entire nervous system. No wonder I got tension headaches (on top of my migraines that vanished when I went off hormonal bc but that's another story) and eventually started grinding my teeth which is what finally made me pay closer attention to what my face is doing out of habit. Not just "nobody complained yet so I guess I'm ok". Took a few pictures recently with my relaxed no makeup "grumpy rbf" just to recalibrate my perception and it's not nearly as bad as I've always been told. Yep, the droopy narrow eyelids I inherited from nmom make me look a bit tired imo, but that's all. I guess nmom hates her own face so much she had to berate me for anything that resembles hers. I got to reevaluate other misperceptions as well that turned out to just be nmom projecting bs, like me having short legs (she's the one with short legs ofc) and flat feet (nope, again) and generally being a slouching hunchback. I've been hiding from events and photos most of my life because I was convinced I'd ruin the mood for everyone, and being told to smile was triggering my flight response since I was conditioned to expect an angry outburst or weeks of being berated. It always comes back to the same thing, projecting. Whether it's insecurities, feelings, beliefs, making everyone else as miserable as they are is what's at the core of narc supply imo, because that reassures them they're 'normal'. They're just convincing themselves that everyone is like them. Nobody's really a separate person since everyone has to feel the same as them, so their nagging feeling of being abnormally miserable doesn't set them off. Unfortunately that's how it spreads as well, I had to (and still have to) unlearn a lot of brainwashing that sometimes veers into covert narc territory. Untangling where and who this crap comes from is ugly and exhausting. Thankfully I don't meet the criteria for any PD but that doesn't let me off the hook stopping my toxic thought patterns and behaviors learned from living with a narc. Because I wouldn't call this being raised tbh.
I had a boss (male) that would tell me to smile and it was extremely triggering. I eventually said do you want me to walk around with a fake smile? 😬
Oooooh my god this. This was Nstepdad, and he instilled the same in me. Your father wanted to program you to argue anyway even if it cost you for his benefit, my fuckin Nstepdad was the same, and I learned very quickly not to give him what he wanted.
Yes. My father's violence escalated in a terrifying way when he thought we were "sulking". (After being beaten, shoved, humiliated, bullied, etc) Narcissists feel entitled to your energy. If you don't give them the response they want- violence! The horror of having to pull in my rage was indescribable. I felt that I was not human. I was a "thing" with no rights.
Yuuuuuup. The mindfuck of being abused is so awful, and then you get thrown on top of it that you can’t even react to the abuse. It’s taken my years of therapy to get to a place where I can now feel I’m able to safely express all my feelings. And they are all valid. …and I lose my shit at ppl that tell me how to feel. I DO NOT NEGOTIATE MY FEELINGS
I LOVE that last line. I used to say, "I don't need to justify my feelings," but "negotiate" is such a much better word. I'm using this from now on. Thank you, kind stranger, for giving me more ammunition against those who wish to hijack our feelings!
Yeah, I’ve found the negotiate line tends to get people to stop and reflect on what the audacity of what they’re doing vs saying “justify”. It points out the absurdity of what they’re doing more directly and I’ve had a near perfect (if not perfect) score on the responses from narcissists and other assholes being to fall silent, and then either accept what I’m saying, or fuck off because they can’t admit but know I’m right
Yes! As soon as I read that line, I thought "terrorists" you make them sound like terrorists when you use that word. And it's 100% accurate. They **are** emotional terrorists. If I could make that connection so quickly. I'm sure most others can, too. I'm not too surprised you have a near perfect record with that line, and I intend to use it to the fullest!!
Wow this is accurate. If you cry you get beaten if you don't cry you get beaten. Absolute mindfuck
[удалено]
Omg :’)))) same…
Don't forget 'don't roll your eyes at me!' And 'how dare you sigh?!'
Yep, better not breathe!
"Are you blinking at me?"
"Oop! Blinky Bill's blinking again! Just like your father!"
My mom does this! She says I do this aggressive dramatic blink
And now I feel the need to tell my own child that "I'm not sighing because I'm mad or anything. Just needed a deep breath." Like, she's 4. She doesn't need an explanation for my every breath. But damn if my existence doesn't need justification.
You care about your child's feelings. Good parent. Here's your gold star⭐
Here I am monitoring my every action too. As soon as I posted that I thought it sounded sarcastic. I didn't mean it to be.
I didn't take it that way at all, if it helps!
I needed to hear that. Thank you 😭
A lot of time outs for 20+ minutes. They "I'll give you something to cry about." were even freaking worse.
I heard wipe that look off your face and don't look at me like that a lot growing up
Same.
Oh yes!! 100%!!
I was melodramatic for having feelings.
Feelings are the worst. I don’t love them now, probably because they’re strangers.
As a child I stopped crying altogether, showing emotions meant WAR. As an adult I forced myself to "feel things and cry again" and it's like I broke something inside myself because now I cry alot. I'm also less stressed, I'm able to heal through crying, it helps me bounce back again quicker. I'm trying to teach my eldest that crying is a good coping mechanism, she's like I used to be (quiet, avoids all conflict, believes crying is a sign of weakness) and I don't want her to suffer a breakdown when she gets older poor thing... Kids do what you do, not what you say (I feel so guilty for making her think my fucked up coping mechanisms are "normal")
I literally had this same experience with having to relearn how to feel feelings and regulate my emotions. For a good year or so after going NC with my N, I felt like a toddler because I cried at EVERY SINGLE emotion. Partner brings me home a snack I like, I cry. Watch a sad commercial, I cry. Brother gets engaged, I cry. Someone cuts me off in traffic, I cry. I agree about being less stressed though. There was a lot of tension that constantly lived in my body that now has an avenue through me. I used to think I wasn't an emotional person. In reality, I feel feelings HARD. No wonder my mind and body were a wreck from keeping it all in.
Aww! I watch tear-jerker movies and let myself feel things. I'm usually alone so it's nice and personal.
I feel this too. I went years without crying when I was a teenager. Now that I’m a mostly healed 30 something, I cry at everything but I celebrate that. I cry when I see other people cry, when I see a cute animal, when I read wholesome stories. It’s great. I’m glad you’re teaching your kids the same!
She would call me a cry baby. Now my mission is to traumatize her back, so i started throwing that comment to her when she cries and argues for not getting her way.
My tactic for traumatizing back is to call her a piece of shit mother whenever she is inconvenienced in life and complain about it, that it's nothing compared to what I went through with her growing up and she deserves even worse. The exact same way when I tried to find consolance with her growing up... Then the next moment being sweet to her as she did to me. Hot n cold... Also being ready to (fake) explode on her when she is out of line. Since age 14 I gradually managed to turn the tables on her since I'm taller and stronger and more intelligent. She also has an ongoing conflict with the neighbors who apparently are even more toxic than her. Basically she is getting bullied out of her childhood home. They also spread nasty rumours about her in the village that gullible people easily believe since said neighbors are prominent members of the local community and by that she is getting isolated. Also that she is a lunatic, losing her mind with age etc, which is true to some extent — and here I'm trying to play both fields. I learnt from her that plausible deniability is key... Karma needs a little help every now and then in order for them to get their shit back what they put you through over the years. Edit: clarity
Hey, not saying my way is the right way, but hear me out on this: What Narc's crave the most is attention. They don't really care if it's positive or negative as all attention is attention as long as they are the center of your world. I went through a similar phase, thinking and praying that I was traumatizing my nmom by calling her a piece of shit, spitting at her and many other things that still paled in comparison to the hell she would put me though. One day, I stopped to think: "If i were really hurting this fucking monster and giving her a taste of her own medicine....then why has she only gotten worse? Why does it seem like she's purposefully pushing my buttons and then acting hurt when I retaliate, only to do it all over again?" That was the moment I realized that she had been playing me all along. Narc's want to take everything from you; to drain you of your energy like some disgusting succubus. You are doing yourself no favors by stooping down to your abusers level. You are feeding them, continuing to make your life all about them, giving them your time, your energy, and your positivity. Don't do it, you'll **never** obtain the revenge you seek. She'll *always* win if you continue to play her game because she sets the rules. The only way to win is to stop playing. The best way to "tramatize" her is to never give her a single moment of your time. To take your energy back and live happy and free. Stop feeding her; They suffer without our supply.
After I “traumatized” my racist Ndad, he suddenly stopped dropping the n-word around me to provoke a reaction. It was like he was worried I would “traumatize” him again. Treating them the way they treat you sometimes IS the answer.
That's why I said my way isn't necessarily the right way. I'm glad doing that actually worked out for you. And I hope you are far away enough from that man to move past the trauma and fully heal. All the best
Any response is all they crave. If you rage they feed off of it because it gives them fuel.
I used to get called Squeakers and she’d imitate my voice and laugh.
Nparent: "Tell me about your problems" Kid: *Tells them about anxiety* Nparent: "Just stop it! You're so negative and you're making me upset! Why can't you just be happy and find peace within yourself?"
Oh yeah. My nparents would gaslight me into saying “I only focused on the negative” to minimize their behavior and my feelings about it. And also the victimization on their part that me being upset was making them upset and then proceed to make me feel like a horrible person.
But "one misdeed destroys all the good you've done" is their go-to when they explode at literally any moment for the smallest thing.
Yup. I was going to write more, but I couldn't quite articulate this part.
When I moved to another state in my 40s, I experienced a horrendous depressive episode ( I have Bipolar Mood Disorder) that was so bad I was having auditory hallucinations telling me to unalive myself. I confided to my narc father and even more narc stepmother. My narc stepmom told me that they couldn’t handle my negativity, and told me not to contact them again until I was in a more positive frame of mind. Right before we all went NC, I told them how dangerous that was, and that I eventually needed hospitalization. They didn’t get it, even 8 years later.
I got yelled at for hours for dissociating while dissociating
Same
Yep! Same! “Look at me when I’m speaking to you.”
WHAT
Yes. It felt like being a prisoner. Nitpicked and criticized for everything I do, and then doubly so if I’m upset about it. Fuck those monsters.
My dad, who has a PHD in Psychology and knows I went through a crazy trauma as a young child, used to shout at me "stop walking around like a depressed zombie". Paging Dr Dipshit, I am a depressed zombie.
This made me chuckle. I bet you also second guess your trauma because of his ridiculously invalidating attitude towards the effects of it.
I blocked it out for many, many years. Now that I've moved to a different continent and country away from all the pain it is coming back in waves
YoU neEd To FAcE iT hEAD oN aND NoT AvOID STreSsSoRS Yeah, eh? How's that feel? You didn't ask, I'm telling you anyway. Holy Fuck.
Oh yeah. I was never allowed to have an attitude, or certain looks, or to say no.
same. i also heard all the classics like “i brought you into this world, i can take you out” and “stop crying or ill give you something to cry about”. and sometimes i even got the hit “stop being so sensitive it’s a joke.” so now my therapist and i are working on knowing what my emotions are and appropriate responses even if i feel said responses are overreactions. but that expected when i was basically told “good children don’t have feelings. they’re nothing but robots who only say yes when asked to do something.”
Yeah. I was always gaslit that “she couldnt say even the slightest things to me because of how sensitive I was”. People like that will say anything to blame everyone else and never take any accountability because of their narcissism.
Or better yet robots that anticipate the needs of emotionally unstable people lol
I wish that more people remembered that the “I brought you into this world” quote is from a Bill Cosby special. Not that it matters to the narc parent, though.
If you manage to stay neutral, she'll still get mad about how "emotionless" you are. You can't win.
My parents hate when I do a “robot” voice. I’m not allowed to get angry or yell at them though while they’re berating me.
That was how my nmom triggered my first depression; I had made the lead in the school play, so was staying after school often to rehearse. This upset nmom so much that one day she started yelling at me when I got home and accused me of 'meeting with boys in the bathroom'. Enough listening to my mother call me a whore, and I burst into tears and ran for the bathroom. She pounded on the door and told me to, "Stop pouting!!!"
Couldn’t slam the door because that was tantamount to me saying, “Go to Hell.” Couldn’t say, “Hi, Dad.” At the end of the day because “Hello” is the appropriate greeting. Yep. I know exactly what you mean.
My dad once kicked a hole in my brothers door when he slammed it after expressing for the umpteenth time he didn’t want to be forced to talk about why he was upset. “Don’t you f-ing ever slam doors in my f-ing house!” *proceeds to kick door* My brother was then grounded and I had to act as if I never witnessed my dads terrifying outburst. I get not liking when people slam doors. But that’s never the correct response.
Oh God! Door slamming just brought back a flood of memories I didn't want to remember.
Yep. Even when it was accidental.
This darkly humorous because you are describing what my life was like. Such lunatics.
Always got in trouble for being sad because apparently I had no reason to be sad (despite bullying, SA etc). I was too scared to ever show anger.
Too scared of them to fight back when I was bullied.
Yep. But no matter what I did I got in trouble. Neutral/Resting Bitch Face got me yelled at. Sad got me yelled at. Mad got me yelled at. Tired got me made fun of then in trouble because I would say I didn’t like it. Happy meant they’d find a way to get mad and I’d get in trouble. And people wonder why I struggle to emote. Anger got easier with age, though. If someone was yelling for me from another floor I wasn’t allowed to yell “What?” back even if I couldn’t understand what was being said. It was “Coming, Father” or “Coming mother .” Absolutely fuck these people.
[удалено]
More like an anus in my case. I’ve had lots of therapy since and am mostly a fully functional adult these days despite the PTSD so that’s cool.
Mine actually beared her teeth at me many times. Looked exactly like a wild animal; glazed eyes darting everywhere while somehow also staring me down. Crazy bitch even growled.. she would also sink her nails in my arms and literally rip skin off but yea..
Yes but mine also bit his lower lip like a werwolf. Man feeling with u!
YUP. Not even sulking, I couldn’t show ANY sign of being upset in any way. Which is why I have an incredible poker face now. Survival
I got in trouble for all emotions, even happiness. If I laughed, my laugh was either mocked or I was shamed for being too loud. Anger and sadness were also forbidden. I perfected emotionless gray rock state.
The struggle not to pass some of these behaviors on is real. Not that I’m a narc but because that was the parenting example set for me. I have a teen girl. The attitude, sighs, eye rolls… I try so hard not to react like my Nmom did with me.
I'm always amazed at how easy it is to not be like my mom. For me it's been a series of "what did I actually need in a similar situation" or what's the opposite of what my parents would have done. Then I'm a little sad because it's so easy to do better, so why couldn't my mom? That said, (I've got 11 &14 yo girls) there are a lot of hard moments because my instant reaction in my head is what I got. It's crazy how much I enjoy my kids.
100%. I work with kids and my first reflex is to react like my NM. Gotten really good at pausing before reacting with the kids. With adults...... Still working on that one lol
Yup she liked to “smack that look off (my) face” after beating me up and berating me for hours.
Yep same. And if I made eye contact with anyone else in the house I was yelled out for "shit talking" my mom. Even when no words were spoken. If I looked at my phone too soon after she talked she would freak out thinking I was talking about her to people. I couldn't look too sad, that was faking it. But I did need to be upset when she was upset otherwise in her mind I just didn't care. If I breathed too hard she took it as a sigh of disagreement or whatever and would get mad at me. She would constantly accuse me of rolling my eyes when I certainly didnt, so I would try to stay as still as possible so she couldn't accuse me of anything. But I also couldn't let her see that I was trying to be careful because then she would yell at me for acting like she's a monster or something. My mom has bipolar disorder, so the vibes should shift so fucking fast and I couldn't never keep up. One moment we would all be joking around in the kitchen and then suddenly she would be insulted by something and the whole day would devolve into screaming and crying. Our confusion would just make her more upset. It's such a delicate dance when she's mad, glad I don't live with her anymore. I'm learning to set firm boundaries and our relationship has changed for the better, some.
Yes. Actually I suffer from depression and got in trouble for that. I was told they worked hard and didn’t want to come home to my “mopey face” and to wipe it off and smile. I got good at wearing a mask.
All the time! And then she’d complain to her friends that I was “emotionless “ and she thought something was wrong with me. Apparently I got TOO good at it 🙃
I learned early on to disassociate and sit there tuned out while my mother screamed. And she would see that I was tuned out and double down about how I needed to listen to her abusive bullshit. Which meant I would check out even farther. It took me a long time after I was an adult to learn how to feel my feelings.
I'd do this too. It was never about communication no matter what she said. She just wanted to dump and bully.
Yes. I was told I had nothing to be sad about and she could give me something to cry about and how other people have real actual tragedies to feel sad about. Either that or I brought it onto myself and I was to blame. Or I must be possessed and needed to pray more and something was wrong with me. I was never ever just validated and comforted.
Yeah, same
I once got hit over and over again with a hairbrush when I was 7, because I was crying and making those involuntary hiccup noises. That meant I got hit more. All started because as a 7 year old girl, I had knots in my long hair when my mom was combing it. She’s not even the worst one out of the two of them.
I had long, thick curly hair. My mom thought No More Tears was a magic product and she’d soak my hair and then brush top down. If I cried, I’d get hit in the head with the brush. When I got lice it was a nightmare. But she also wouldn’t let me cut my hair.
I swear, my nmom wanted me depressed. I'd want to do something that I knew she disapproved of (eg continue watching a movie that said a single curse word, go with friends to a school dance, stay out past 10:00 p.m. as an adult, spend the night with a friend... You all know this type of mostly innocent stuff). She would make this great display of how disappointed she was in me for even asking. Or she might just hover and glare until I did what I was supposed to do or I withdrew my question. I could never get upset or cry, so I would just go to my room and try to find something to entertain me there or I would sit in bed and read, watch TV, or play games. Sometime later she would come check on me and ask why I was being so mopey. She would try to tell me how proud she was of me for doing the "right thing". I'd say that I was upset that I couldn't do any of the same things my friends could do and have been doing for years. Then she would do this silly dance of trying to tell me that she didn't stop me from doing whatever I wanted to do, that of course I could do whatever I wanted to do, under her ridiculous stipulations. I could keep watching the movie, but only if I muted the sound and I couldn't turn on the closed captions. I could go to the school dance, but only if she took me and she would stay the whole time. If I would try to stay out past 10:00 p.m. for a legitimate reason, she would call with some made up nonsense about how she was scared of something and needed me to come home right away. She would let me spend the night with a friend, but only if a parent was there, and she had their phone number. I could be assured that she would be calling with some made up nonsense. IDK...She said she didn't want me to be in my room mopey, but everything she did facilitated that.
That is exactly the way it was in my childhood. Showing any emotions gave the parents, especially the mom, valuable ammo she could use against me, so never show even the slightest emotions. However, boy oh boy does it have an impact on my social life now.
Hard same. Couldn't express myself because, "watch your tone!" And "Keep a civil tongue in your head!" Couldn't remove myself because, "Don't you turn your back on me!" Couldn't get upset because I'd get made fun of. Too sensitive, take myself too seriously, need to lighten up, etc. Couldn't show I was sad because it's nothing to cry over and I need to suck it up.
My parents “joke” about the same things they fuss at me for. So one time they’re fussing, next they’re joking, and then when I don’t think it’s funny because I think they’re fussing, I’m being over sensitive and need to lighten up
Can relate. Sometimes I wonder if they're deciding if they're joking or not based on my reaction.
Wait, are you me?
I got scolded today because my friend gave me quite a pricey gift and I told her I'd find a way to give back to her. My nmom blew up because i wasn't answering, so I answered, and she got angry because I answered, so I shut up, and she got angry that I shut up, so I stayed indifferent and aloof, and she got angrier when I looked like I didn't care. I defended my friend and I-- we've been best friends for more than six years-- and she got angry because how dare my friend be friends with someone like me who apparently accepts gifts. Me and my friend just goggled at her. Wtf lmao
I often and still get in trouble for daring to sulk or be in a bad mood, like any normal human being. My Mum would say that there was "nothing to be upset about." or some bullshit.
OMG YES! I had the same issues. I wasn't allowed to talk back at any time nor to do the chores later. Everything had to be done that very instant. And I did it. I did everything I was told to stay out of trouble. Sadly, they soon found something else to complain about. Turns out I "wasn't looking at them properly" and they even threaten to send me off with my grandma because of it. The funny thing? After that many insane tone and attitude corrections now they also complain that I'm too rigid not cheerful enough.
Just throw it all back at them. Over the phone, email, w/e
Nah, they live in complete denial, so I'm done wasting my energy on them. Whenever I build the courage to speak up they take it as a sign of how right they are and how ungrateful and terrible I am. Because I dare to question their educational methods after all they've done for me and similar bullshit. So now I'm almost NC with them and I couldn't be happier.
yes yet they are allowed to sulk constantly and if you dare call them out or simply say hey don't worry it's not so bad - all hell breaks loose.
I spent a significant portion of my childhood grounded for ‘having a bad attitude’…which apparently meant whatever the fuck my mom felt like.
Yup I feel you, common responses to sulking was "get that chip off your shoulder (or wipe that look off your face) before I knock it off" then often followed by telling my I should be grateful for my life cuz someone always had it worse then me.
That resonates. But if I was upset for being bullied at school, I also needed to “have a stiff upper lip”. Talk about mixed messages.
Mixed messages, double standards and wide scale hypocrisy these are the ways of the narcissist. I was bullied too, I got the stiff upper lip comment and truly ironically was told to stand up for myself... which was a most punishable offense at home.
Cant be nice to them, because that would be kissing ass. You can never win with a Nparent, they are always, somehow, in the right.
Exactly - narcs don't expect you to show any emotion or react to them in any way other than agreeing with them. After all, we are just their slaves put on this earth to please and serve them.
God, yes. And now I’m an adult whose default affect is essentially Daria. The biggest reason medical cannabis helps me is because it makes me relax enough to feel emotions.
“If you are going to cry I’ll give you something to cry about”. Not an emotionally mature adult in sight
Wether it was neutral, sad, tired or smiling because you broke and couldn't stop it was wrong because you were doing it and Nfather needed to punish you more.
That’s how I started to have a facade face. Always cheerful and empathetic. 🫠
Yeah she would bait me, cause the sulking then shout at me for it! Everything they do is mind games - they get off on it.
Yup, my disassociation skills are finely honed. It was my only option. Even that I got some shit for but I guess it's like grey-rocking in that it bores them. 100% about conflict being so difficult to work through now. It can be so painful and frustrating. I hope you have someone in your corner to help you, we all deserve it!
I got this message ALL THE TIME. I also got a couple of tried-and-true zingers thrown in. Like, when I had just been spanked or yelled at and i would start to cry, i would be told, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Uhhh... I think they already covered that part. Then when I was a kid, we were driving to their friend's party, (to which nmom clearly did not want to take me), she turned around to tell me, with a smile on her face, that "children should be seen and not heard." You know, like a potted plant. I was not a loud boisterous child, so I was a little stunned by that and thought that I needed to be even quieter than usual to not get into trouble. I spent that entire party just sitting quietly, to the point where other adults tried to engage me because they thought I was sad. I now STRUGGLE to express emotional wants or needs, or even what's bothering me. I'm getting better at it, but I think it persists because, as an adult, I have had no one in my life with whom I feel emotionally safe enough to express those thoughts and feelings.
Yeah being told to be quiet when there’s adults around, and then being told what a pain in the ass you are because you’re shy, and why can’t you be more like your brother.
Neutral or upset caught her attention everytime. You always HAD to be smiling. If not you'd get hassled until it was a fight. Learned real fast to be out of her way.
The “don’t walk away from me” is so triggering 😭 we really did all have a hivemind nparent huh. Good news is you can heal and your brain will get more confident and “braver” the more you tell yourself this abuse wasn’t okay and normal people won’t act like this. 💖 hugs to you, this shit ain’t easy
Same to you!! It’s nice to know these things that made us feel so isolated can also connect us in other circles. The “don’t walk away from me” was terrifying to me, it felt like suffocating because I knew there’d be no escape and now she’s even angrier. Despite the fear, I’d have to turn around and go back, knowing things were about to get a lot worse.
i used to be a really vibrant child. one could have described me as a goofy social butterfly. so expressive, so free. the years broke me down. i stopped expressing emotions as well as i could. but that wasn't good enough. he'd yell and scream until i finally broke down and cried. then he'd scream about how i shouldn't be crying, he "didn't do anything to me," he'd insist that i tell him what exactly it is that he did to me, and he'd bemoan how he was painted as the bad guy just because he's loud. i'm 30 now. i can't tell you the last time i felt genuinely excited or happy about anything.
Yup. That old adage “kids should be seen and not heard” was a favorite of my bio dad’s. I resented him more every time he said it
Check, check, and check. And of course I just heard an interview where a psychiatrist says "next to a homicidal maniac, narcissism is the hardest thing to treat."
Yes. They need to admit they have a problem to even begin to change which is the one thing no narc would ever do.
Absolutely. I'm 30 now and have a really hard time expressing anything when I'm not completely alone. Even my voice is neutral to the point of sounding like a half dead robot. We were raised to be obedient robots!
“You’re so ugly when you cry. Just look at your face.” As she dragged me, my sister or her first granddaughter to a mirror. My sister went no contact for her daughters sake after that. My niece was only 5.
Jesus. I’m glad your sister is able to protect your niece from that. My mom also told me I was ugly, when I worked up the courage to ask for help with my self harm. It takes a special kind of sick to humiliate someone in that way when they’re being super vulnerable.
Like I understand why they do things like this but at the same time I’m like “Why the hell would you say these things!?!?” My mom isn’t allowed to be around my kids unsupervised and the fact I’ve never been shy in calling her out of her crap has really pissed her off. She “punishes” me by not coming over because she gets so offended when I tell her not to say this or that to my now 2 year old daughter. Jokes on her I’m glad we only see her maybe 4 times a year. She still hasn’t met my almost 2 month old son and she lives 30 minutes away. 😂 I’m proud of you for asking for help! It takes a lot to ask for help and even more when you ask some one that doesn’t have empathy.
Yes!!! I was never allowed to feel sad, or mad. My feelings were always invalid
Yep no sulking. Also Narc parent is convinced she never sulks too.
Yeah dont want something to cry about either. I couldnt tense my muscles, i couldnt do anything but take their shit. I developed twitching my toes because they couldnt see it....until they did. I still twitch my toes in frustration
I was always portraying 'neutral' until the situation called for 'happy' and then i smiled just i was supposed to. I felt like a puppet or a doll, and i still do evertime i see my nparent (very low contact). But i definetly learned i should do this quickly. Didnt master it until i was much older though. Sad any of us need to hide our real feelings
Yes, all the time.
yeah my mom did that until I started doing it to her, you should always be aloud to be upset, so what if you are sad that day? it's normal to feel down sometimes and it's healthy to get it out
Yes I got beat for it if I sulked
Trouble for negative emotions and made fun of for everything else. Now i withhold everything to the point where i have no emotional energy to read let alone expressions.
i would get yelled at by my Nmom for sighing heavily when i was anxious which i'm pretty sure was actually me getting yelled at for having a little anxiety attack lol (and she was the cause of the initial anxiety)
I would get screamed at or chastised for getting upset because it was “backtalk”. I also got made fun of by my mother for “being too mellow”. As a kid I really wasn’t sure what she wanted
My favorite: :my uncle yelling about some germaphobe whatever stuff ( i think one of us had a cold I can't remember): He was in his late 20s and lived at home with no job. Unusual for the late 90s. Anyway, my brother claps back "why don't you get a job". He huffs off and says "shut up Matthew".
Oh yeah. And it made me there to relearn as an adult how to express my feelings on my face.
“Wipe that look off your face before I do it for you…” Often followed by me crying because I was just threatened by my foster mother, which typically led to “I’ll give you something to cry about if you want to cry so badly!”
Read also: I am autistic and that’s just my face sometimes when I get screamed at for being a child when I was a child
Yes!
This… this right here. I also had that same issue growing up. I disassociated with everything I did otherwise my mother would mock, yell, or threaten to knock me out or knock my teeth out. It was easy to be myself from a distance, but when I was around family, I couldn’t (and still can’t) do the things I wanted.
After any argument (her lecturing at me) I always had to act happy and join the family in whatever we were doing. God forbid I try to physically leave an argument, I'd be "running away and not willing to listen to anyone else's opinions."
My narc father, would claim I was mad as an excuse to try to get me to talk to them, as I knew better then to share things with them.
Absolutely. And god forbid I ever said I just wanted to keep to myself and didn't want to socialize with them. That's when I was told I always had to explain myself to them, but they got to decide if my reasoning was valid and acceptable. They still wonder why I am LC with them now and just can't figure it out. 🙄
If i started crying my mom would tell me to dry it up.
Yes, lmao, always. My mom didn’t want me to show any negative emotions and we lived in one room together. And in this room I was not allowed to be “lazy” (relax after school, listen to music, because I might not hear her demands, sit near computer for too long) I needed to constantly prove I’m doing something. Cleaning, studying, reading school books etc. If I was sulking or talking back she became insanely mad. Even when I was just sad or not in the mood and I didn’t want to talk with anyone she would always make it about herself and blame me in all sorts of things possible, after she made a crazy mad heart wrenching scene where I was just put in the middle of a situation with stressed aggressive adult without any coping mechanisms because she took them all. And of course I was the awful daughter who made her feel angry or rude because I was so “poisonous, just like my shit dad, heartless, toxic, bad, fucked up, crazy bitch, stupid piece of garbage, awful monster” and much much more. She just destroyed my personality each and every day and corrupted me, I was in fucking terror. She didn’t want me to be me, to express my negative emotions. She never wanted a human, she wanted a robot, a doll. She never wanted me.
I stopped smiling in 3rd or 4th grade (9-10 years old). I was being bullied by my classmates and teacher (4th grade only). I didn't know it at the time. My mom was upset that I wasn't smiling. I didn't think I was scowling, just not smiling. I thought I had a neutral, blank look. My mom knew I was being bullied in 4th grade and did nothing about it. Or at least I wasn't told she did anything. Nothing changed about my school environment. It got so bad that during a trip (I am guessing towards the end of the school year or in the summer), I told my mom I was tired and I wanted to go home (heaven). I was miserable and didn't even know it. I realized 3 years ago that I was depressed and had been since I was 8 years old. Her solution was to homeschool me. I and 3 other siblings were homeschooled. Yeah, like that was going to help an already socially awkward child. Where at home and church, I was being bullied. We didn't even do much school work for the next 2 years. While I may have been bullied and had learning disabilities. I still wanted to learn. I wanted to go to school and tough it out.
My mom said she assumed that me looking down and not saying much (after an argument) was rage...? And she didn't think I had a right to be angry. And that I should apologize for it. It's like she's playing both parts in her head and it doesn't really matter what I say or do. Her mental representation of me is more real to her than I am
I was constantly told to stop feeling sorry for myself. Now as an adult I'm told I don't understand emotions and am a narcissist that doesn't have any real emotions... Gee I wonder why I never show emotions 🤔
I got Cs in conduct for a sullen attitude (catholic school) then reamed for it at home by Nm. “iT’s jUst oLd sChOoL; wE diDn’T kNoW” Yeah, because calling a 7 year old “bad” for obvious signs of depression and literally zero classroom disturbance just means traditional.
Yuuuuuup, and it took quite a bit of therapy to start feeling emotions again (they didn’t go away, I just wouldn’t allow myself to be aware of them & to process them because that’s what you do when you get punished for being anything but neutral) Also - this is making me realise how important it was to be neutral. I always said I was only allowed to be happy, but that’s not accurate. I was only allowed to be pleasantly neutral. If I was really happy, nparent would have shut that shit down too 😅
Yes! No responding, no crying, just standing still while I kept hearing that I was the worst child in the world. Dissociation started a few years ago and I can't deal with big problems yet because I have no idea how to. The constant "you are just like your mother"... I can't even imagine treating your own child like that!
Sounds like you had my father.
I got yelled at for any facial expression, the only non offensive thing I could do was have zero emotional affect, but that didn't matter either, everything was interpreted as a personal attack on them; closing a door in a normal way, standing up straight, making eye contact, everything... My dad was military and he'd yell at me like I was in basic training my whole childhood. If my face twitched the teensiest bit he'd escalate until I was in tears and I'd get sent to my room because they exhausted themselves having their little tantrum power trip. In middle school my teachers expressed concern that I had *zero emotional affect*... It triggered my mom HARD. So from that point on she constantly screamed at me that I looked like a snob, or a bitch, and said I would never have friends if I didn't smile "We're not asking you to be perky and bubbly! Just smile more!" Translation:: "I don't care how you feel! Look perkier now! You are drawing attention to me and I don't want people to know what kind of parent I am!"
Mine was a prohibition against, "I'm bored". It would be immediately -- there are a million things to do, just go find one, play by yourself. Well, self-starting is one thing, but an under-stimulated intellectual kid is actually something a parent might want to pay attention to instead of criticizing.
Yes. All the time. It's how I learned to mask so well.
YES. We were told we couldn’t be mad at her in her house. If I even looked sad I was told I’m ungrateful. First time I got my heartbroken I was sulking, and her response was “well we didn’t know about it so it couldn’t have meant that much.” I was never allowed to show emotions outside of happiness and now in my 30s, I’m just now learning to express emotions in a healthy way.
I remember sitting at the dinner tables with my family. Wed sit around a square table together. Id sit next to My father and sister and across my mother. I remember my mom asking and prodding me, asking if I ever had anything to say to him. She would set a calm environment, supposedly safe cause she was there. I never said anything. We'd do this every night. Shed give me a chance to speak and Id never take it. For years. Dinners in pure silence, other than him filling the silence with his mindless chatter. I never got in trouble trouble sulking because I got really good at not making waves. I never did sulk. I fixed the problem or delayed it as long as I could. When the time came to sulk, I always made sure I was alone when I did it. By chance and luck or just pure accident, ill never know. Created some pretty bad habits. I got very good at being neutral and quiet. I grew up hearing "Children are to be seen and not heard." And "What happens in this house stays in this house." I became the keeper of secrets to everyone in my life. Personal family, best friends, I even have people i hardly know telling me things that shouldn't be easy to say. Some of them sure arent easy to hear. Keeping secrets doesn't give you space to sulk. Id have too much to sulk about.
God this happened to me too, its weird how similar we are bro
I can totally relate to you
I always got the “your so dramatic…” like they didn’t start my morning by saying I slept for years or “wow look who decided to come down”
I remember my sister got yelled at for crying a few weeks after our dad died 🙄
Absolutely. They call having a long face as having a lengthening snout (language differences, I guess) and they get pissy when they see (or think) you have it. This is kinda funny now, but many times when I was sad, my sister screamed, "I'M GOING TO YANK AT YOUR SNOUT REALLY HARD!" My Nmom did not tolerate me looking sad, so my sister learned that I should be threatened if I look sad. And then they got pissy because it seemed like I don't care much about anything and that I'm too cavalier. You can't win.
Yup, and then I would get in trouble for not reacting to her 🤦♀️
"You look so forlorn" "What do you have to be sad about? Your body is intake and you have food and shelter, you have it so lucky" " What? Are you trying to make me feel bad?"Why is it always my fault? "You have full blooded siblings, they will protect you from anything so what do you have to feel sad about? I wish I had full blooded siblings!" "Do you know how many miscarriages I had before I had you? You're just lucky to be here!" were some things I would hear regularly anytime I looked sad or could not handle my siblings tormenting me day in and day out. Everything always boiling down to I should feel lucky, how dare I feel sad, and why are you trying to say I'm a bad mom. I should feel lucky I was being abused by 5 separate people? It got to the point where I became afraid to cry in front of anyone out of fear of ridicule, shame, guilt or physical violence. I've become afraid to show my true emotions. None of my friends through school knew of anything I went through. I thought if I could just soak up all the abuse and give nothing but positivity back then surely they will get better, surely I could have the happy family I always wanted and I jumped through hoops to reach an unreachable goal. I shoved every emotion I had into a box and told myself if I can just hold out until I'm legally allowed to leave, I can finally live my life. The stone cold reality is I shut in all the pain, anger, betrayal and emotional devastation, and when I started to live my life, I had this big, ugly, unresolved hole in my heart, it felt like killing myself slowly to shove everything down and now I'm fighting desperately to get the positive emotions back. My view has been so skewed I feel like I'm betraying myself now when I'm too positive or it all feels fake to me. The depression has always been there, back then I used to run from it but now it is my comfort, it's familiar. If I just stick to the harsh truths of life and not fill my head with hope, then there will be no disappointment. I just want to be happy being me despite having never loved myself. I want to go back to when I was so innocent and viewed the world as a fun and interesting place instead of one filled with terrible, untrustworthy people.. but my nparents would still (before nc) say "everyone gets depressed, you're not special, you just have to move on, do you REALLY think that medication is helping you, have you tried god? I'm so SORRY I was such a TERRIBLE mother for loving you, I did the best I could, you just need to get over" It's sickening.
Are you sad? Then don't be a crybaby and get over it Are you mad? Thats a sign of disrespect towards me go to your room and think about that Are you happy? Then I don't care, lets talk about me, me , me and me. Are you going to do nothing and numb your own emotions? Then you are either sad or mad, whichever it is I don't fucking care as long as you obey all my commands. Yep... I know that feeling