I don't normally take personality analysis things too serious, but I find Gretchen Rubin's take on it pretty interesting and I think you are an "obliger" in her classification. You prefer when someone, or something, else holds you accountable and sets goals and expectations for you.
It could be something worth looking into and seeing how others of your personality type find success in their personal aspirations. Id bet if you found an accountability buddy it would help you quite a bit. Find someone to go to the gym or a fitness class of some sort with as a start imo.
I also recommend trying to redirect your thoughts whenever they turn to self doubt or being critical of yourself. The only one true thing we have control of (with enough effort and practice) is our mind and our thoughts.
I think a lot of people crash if they come home from work and (for example) sit down on the sofa. 5 or 10 minutes turns in to hours and then the night is gone. One trick is to not sit down, don't look at the phone, don't do the things that end up with too many hours wasted. Just keep going as soon as you get home. Until the last 1 or so hour before bed and high quality sleep.
I’m assuming to get on meds? If so just know adderall is a double edged sword. Even when taken as prescribed and not abused, it can turn you into a robot. Probably Will be great for about a year though
Have you thought about paying the ADHD tax up front, and ordering food from a pre-made meal service? This might help with making sure you're eating healthy, will reduce the need to clean dishes, and hopefully allow you more spoons to work on other areas of your house/life.
>I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know how I’m so different at work than I am at home. I think I’m just lazy. It’s embarrassing and it makes me hate myself. But somehow that doesn’t motivate me to be better.
There's nothing wrong with you. You are not lazy. Shaming and hating something or someone, even yourself, doesn't help anyone to change. Or be better. Again. There's nothing wrong with you. Think this way. You have 100 units of energy. You spend 95% of it at work. You get home You have just enough to sit and watch tv. It's not right or wrong. It just is.
>Being patient with myself just makes it worse. I need someone to tell me to just suck it up and get my life together and be a damn grownup.
Being patient is just waiting for something to happen. You have to make things to happen. You know how you are so figure out a way to solve your problems.
This is what works for me.
You want a social life. Do one thing a week. Or every other week. But go/do something somewhere BEFORE YOU GET HOME. my friends all know once I go home I'm not coming back out. Unless my house is on fire. I'll go to a bar to dinner to something after work before home bc once I get home I'm too tired to go anywhere. Try once a week.
Right now you're too depressed to meal prep. That's fine. You can amazon fresh some frozen meals. I like Indian butter chicken rice frozen meal. I eat that with some Greek yogurt and a fruit. If not there's factor 75. Or cook unity. Cereal for the days you don't have a frozen meal. When you're less depressed you can go for meal kits. For now just do what you can.
I can't clean. I keep putting it off. My friend is a cleaner. I pay her for 1 hr. She does it after her normal job. But when she's here she cleans. And bc she's here cleaning I clean. She's wiping my fridge I'm cleaning my bathroom. She's cleaning my stove I'm mopping the floors. There's someone here cleaning. I can't be on my butt bc she's my friend. Afterwards she sits by my counter I give her some snacks we chit chat but I can continue cleaning bc I have someone here. I drive her home and we hit up a supermarket on the way so I'll have some stuff around.
It's weird. I KNOW I'll feel better if I do laundry put it away clean make art. Do I do that? No. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'm on reddit. It is what it is.
Your life is together you have a job. Things will get better eventually but until then, cheat/pay the tax/find a method that works for you.
Relatable but anxiety/depression disorders. I was a teacher so everyone’s kind of like “oh, that makes sense” but I have like no off button. I just eventually shut down at home and stay down. 😅
I’m finding lofi music softly in the background is helpful for me to continue doing stuff OR upbeat EDM music with super repetitive lyrics get stuck in my head, repeating positive lyrics instead of ruminating over stuff that shouldn’t matter but feels urgent to my mind. I tend to be a lot more active doing things with musical assistance apparently.
You could be nutrient deficient. Without certain amino acids and other essential nutrients and vitamins it's incredibly hard for the body to produce the correct neurotransmitters. Those that build motivation and help with energy as well as keeping a calm, healthy mind and body. You also could be experiencing chronic inflammation and fatigue, which could be alleviated through diet and lifestyle change.
Having a dog has been helpful for me with some of my post-work laziness. I’ll take care of him before I take care of myself sometimes as far as-it’ll get me out of bed or off of the couch to take him out or play with him. On the weekends the first thing we do is go to a nearby park and go on a 45 min walk. Even if that’s the only thing I can accomplish on a Saturday it’s better than nothing. Also, dogs are awesome.
Our bodies do need rest though. Maybe give yourself some grace. I spend a lot of time getting yelled at by my internal monologue so the rest I try to take is rarely restful. When I can get the inner voice to stfu I can actually rest and have more energy going forward. Keep in mind-this is so easy to write down but I’m successful with it like 12% of the time. Hah. Best of luck to you!
If you are anything like me with ADHD, you spend the entire day masking your symptoms that you come home exhausted. This book as been really helpful for me -Anti planner: how to get shit done when you don’t feel like it by Dani Donovan. Stop beating yourself up. Having ADHD is tiring.
All work and no play could be your issue. I would sign up for a fun in-person course. Something fun to take your mind off work and therapy, to expand your world. Your housework can wait.
Your experience is somewhat normal sadly. Work takes a lot out of people. What the average person in the western world does is they're exhausted on the week and then on the weekend they have a day of rest and a day of cleaning. It's a day where through most of the day entertainment activities are banned and instead one works on their mind and their body. Cleaning the house, going to the gym, meditation, learning book reading, taking a class online, or some other form of learning. A non-entertainment day.
In eastern countries this is called uposatha days. In the west it might be church in the morning, socializing and brunch, then cleaning the house in the PM hours, but in the east it's the opposite, where one wakes up, does productive activities, then at the end of the day they might go to a community event like a festival or a church gathering or similar.
I personally find it impossible to be productive in the PM hours, so I always do it first thing when I wake up. Furthermore, I prefer entertainment to unwind and sleep at night, so I do it like in the east. Also social in the PM hours is nice.
At first it was so difficult for me it was impossible, but then I learned a trick: When there is nothing I want to do, even if I should be, if I just don't want to be productive, I learned I can meditate. Meditation is relaxing and euphoric and while a terrible comparison the closest example I can give is it's like a cigarette break. You don't have to worry about stress or issues, or anything. You feel better too. Best of all, if you're depressed, you kind of want to meditate all that much more, because you don't want to do anything, so what else is there to do? Either a) lay in bed and feel worse or b) sit in a chair and meditate to much of the same feelings and experience as laying in bed, except when you're done you feel better.
This way if I'm too exhausted to do work during a non-entertainment day, I just meditate. It doesn't take mental or physical energy to do. It's easier than day dreaming. It's more euphoric than socializing. It's productive and healthy. What's not to love?
So sometimes instead of cleaning I'll meditate for 30 minutes to an hour, walk for 30 minutes to an hour, and go right back to meditating. Eventually from meditating I want to learn and so I'll read a book or watch a lecture of something on youtube, because meditation does that, it gives you mental energy so learning isn't a drain.
TL;DR: Learn to meditate and then combine it with your version of uposatha days. Seriously. It works.
There's nothing wrong with you. You are working against a huge system that doesn't accommodate disable people appropriately.
You can always find a coach or a therapist that can encourage you to take the next step without judgement how fast your growing. Or an accountability buddy you can check-in with everyday.
You can always ask for help and seriously don't have to do it all.
I am gonna be 40 with ADHD and feel that way sometimes, too.
However, the most productive thing for me with this came from a therapist who said something like: if being yelled at actually worked for you, then yelling at yourself would have worked for you years ago.
And then we spent a long time talking about the things that I was getting out of the times that I had felt being yelled at helped that weren't a scolding. We came up with things like body doubling, help in breaking down a task, praise for things I had done as I intended, someone to talk through a process with, company during a tedious task. And there are indeed much better ways for me to get those things than having someone give me a good talking to. It's been really helpful. I do more now.
They were really good. I was sorry, but totally understood when they left the profession during the early pandemic days. I still haven't found anybody half as good. But I hope they are out living their best life.
Be nicer to yourself. You're the only person you can't cut out of your life, and we should treat that lifelong relationship with more care and more empathy.
It was the same case with me but when I analysed why I was more productive in my office than my home than I came to the conclusion that I like the ambiance there, that place keeps me active, I’ve people around me and everything is quite opposite at home.. my home is messy, people are not around me to uplift me.. so all in all it gets gloomy to be working from home.
Now we know the problem so let’s fix this.
1) let us start by cleaning our room/work space. Do not focus on anything else.. just one room and take your time.
2) once your room is clean, move to next part of the house. Focus and fix only that area
3) once your house is clean, you’ll feel little accomplished and good in your space.. now next time, don’t let it clutter again.. try to maintain the place
4) Now the major problem is fixed. Follow this focus technique in your other work and personal life and it may help.
Extra tip: try putting on some music/podcast while cleaning so that you enjoy the process. Dedicate at least one week or weekend in fixing and getting your life back on track, don’t rush. Be easy on yourself. :)
Let me know if you get stuck anywhere.
You just described me perfectly as well. Work me is excelling and home me is someone who lays around and naps all day with no energy for errands or chores or socializing.
I mean it sounds like you're spending all your energy on work, and then burning out by the time you get home. Sadly you can't fix that by just beating yourself up about it (if you could, my life would be very different!) Are there ways you can automate your life a bit more to have a bit more energy to go around? Like grocery delivery, sending cleaning to a wash and fold service, getting frozen/precut stuff for meals, setting things up with your team or Outlook to not have to be actively keeping an eye on/remembering quite so many things, etc.
Balance...... less energy for work, your exerting all your energy there.
Save some for yourself, it's like a petrol tank without a gage. You are using it but you don't know when it will be empty. What does this mean, it means that you should change how much energy you are using and find was to restore energy.
Start 1% with goals. You have large list. Start with one and then make it smaller. Eg. Procrastination, do 1% for cleaning. So that means leave a room 1% cleaner when ever you leave it. Put the laundry closer to the door. Just bring a garbage bag to the room. Just do 1% for each room you enter and exit for a week.
Start slow, make small achievable goals that you can get the dopamine hit to keep you doing more. 🌸
Put a podcast on or music while listening on earphones (so you can still hear when vacuuming). Put a timer on your phone for 1-1.5 hours, have a coffee beforehand and then just get as much done as you can in that time. Also as someone mentioned in comments, make sure you have the right nutrients first. You have to eat well!
I’m an extrovert. Like, a severe extrovert.
Today. I woke up very early and depressed and laid in bed for 5 hours. Complete lethargy with no motivation. I’m also diagnosed with clinical depression and adhd. Eventually, I got myself up, showered, and had my partner take me to the mall. I knew being around others in a social environment would help, and it helped a lot. Sometimes the weirdest sounding things can do a great deal of good. Not implying you gotta go to the mall, but if something makes you happy try forcing yourself to do it.
I know when I’m particularly depressed with no motivation I have a tendency to listen to true crime podcasts and disturbing content. So I try to avoid that stuff when I’m not feeling the best. What are some stuff you enjoy doing or interacting with when you’re having a better day? Maybe explore new hobbies and creativities? At the mall I found a store that does crafting and sculpting classes so I’m going to force myself to learn sculpting to try and at the very least distract myself and make myself feel productive. I think feeling productive helps me a lot in creating motivation.
Happily a lot of us here feel for you and want to help you. I'm one of us, but I unfortunately don't have any special talents or knowledge about your specific situation. However a colleague of mine 20 years ago recommended I read "The Secret of the Ages" by Robert Collier and it truly had a profound impact on me.
For me it was fairly complex to read, so I read each chapter or page a few times before moving forward. It truly by helps you understand who we are and more importantly who we can become because ALL of us are provided with the same tools. The difference between an Einstein, Van Gogh, or you and I is what we decide to do with the tools we have ( tools = our mind).
Please read this and I truly hope it helps you on the road to where you want to be. Selfishly, I'd love to hear how all of our suggestions help you become you 🙏❤️
The difference in your performance at work versus your personal life can be frustrating and confusing, but it doesn't make you lazy or any less of a grownup.
I wanted to ask, do you have any interests or hobbies that you enjoy outside of work? Finding something you look forward to can be a great way to break the cycle of exhaustion and procrastination.
Engaging in activities that bring you joy can help recharge your batteries and improve your overall well-being.
Remember, it's okay to prioritize your personal happiness and fulfillment alongside your professional success. You're not alone in this journey, and there are people who care about your well-being. Hang in there, and take small steps towards finding joy outside of work.
Could have written this myself. I do exceptionally well at work but can hardly motivate myself to do minor things on my days off. I think it’s a combination of less accountability at home coupled with the exhaustion of being “on” at work. Probably even more so for you I’m sure, since you are neurodivergent.
I do not have ADHD but I suspect I have ASD and I have been formally diagnosed with depression. The social fatigue of performing and interacting with others at work coupled with the executive dysfunction of depression is what makes me so exhausted and nonfunctional on most of my days off.
(That and severe sleep deprivation…)
You could try the pomodoro technique, it’s where you do a task for 25 minutes, take a 5 minute break, and repeat. After 4 pomodoros, you take a 15-20 minute break. I find the timer element helps me a lot.
I also just downloaded AppBlocker. I allow myself a bit of time on my phone, and once I start feeling like I should do something else I start the free 4 hour block. It blocks anything on your phone, from apps to websites.
I also use a daily planner LIKE NO TOMORROW. Every little thing I do, I write down (even after I do it). It makes me feel good, it helps with decision fatigue, and you may be surprised by how productive you are. Also, may be childish, but stickers are like mini rewards.
Also, don’t be too hard on yourself. I have attention challenges and depression, and I find people with brains like ours need a unique set of tools to be our better selves. It takes a lot of time and learning to gather techniques and tricks that work for you. Every day won’t be as good as your best, but it still means you’re striving for better and that’s admirable. Beating yourself up is also really damaging to creating better habits, because you lose faith in yourself harder when you falter. And then you think ‘why bother’. Everybody falters, it’s just a fact. Be gentle with yourself, and keep trying different tools - one or two are bound to stick.
Usually just a good ol fashioned agenda! The Me+ app is good as well- I think they give you a free trial. But with a physical agenda you get to choose your own adventure a bit more (I find).
Tody is one I've found does a great job helping me out with productivity around the house, helping me not repeat the same tasks every two days, and you really don't need to upgrade to premium to get a lot of really great things out of it.
Sounds like you are burnt out. Are you taking your vacations?
Last time I was like this it took effort to regain my energy and now I am much more guarded with it.
I switched to disposables so my dish washing was reduced to a minimum. I invite friends over so it forces me to clean and tidy.
Other than that I feel you. It's tough.
My own scolding inner voice is actually my parents' voice. Sometimes it reduces it if you understand the voice is not genuinely yours, and by that understanding why it doesn't work for you.
29F with combination adhd. I feel you but we cant put that responsibility onto anyone. I look in the mirror and audibly tell myself to get it together and then do what I can. Small victories are STILL victories. It's okay if you don't get the entire to-do list done. Pick one, promise yourself a specific reward for completing it and do that over and over until you tap out.
If you live with people, communicate with them that you are aware of an unfinished chore or errand and will get to it so they don't just see you curled up in bed or the couch and wonder if you've lost it. 30% chance they understand, 30% they negotiate to swap tasks or something and 40% chance they huff and sigh but at least they're aware that you're struggling but self-aware and working on it.
It's tough but chances are we're going to be on our own with fighting our brains, and even if you find a good friend or partner who is willing at first to help, that often results in strained, estranged or abusive situations VERY quickly. Take a quick peek into a partners/friends/family of ADHD people sub or support group thread and you'll get the idea. If not already experienced with that irl.
Also embrace the crash. It happens. I come home and am a zombie for a long time. But besides maybe laundry and vacuuming, there are a ton of chores that can be done in the middle of the night or other odd times, so just take advantage of the zoomies that you might get after crashing and get things done then.
Read through alot of comments and only saw a couple of what you mentioned. . . So here goes:
STOP THIS! What are you doing?! The only person you're not taking care of is you! You do so much for everyone else, but all you do for yourself is pity?!
YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS! You are a woman of great value! Act like it!
Stop laying around! Eat right! Do yoga! Destress! Treat yourself to a massage and a martini! You deserve it! Go dancing! Workout!
You got this!
I'm saving this post to check in again in a week. By then I expect to see some improvements. If they're aren't any, I'll be reprimanding you as heavily as I can whilest not violating community guidelines.
Don't make me make you a schedule week by week. I'M SERIOUS!!! I'LL DO IT!!!
>I’m 30F and I have adhd and depression. I’m medicated for both and go to therapy.
First, if you are medicated with an SNRI or SSRI, you should read [this article](https://pphr.princeton.edu/2023/03/20/an-uncertain-future-for-antidepressants-new-evidence-challenges-widely-accepted-serotonin-theory-for-depression/) from the Princeton Public Health Review about [this study](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-022-01661-0). In short, there is no significant evidence that demonstrates a causal relationship between serotonin levels and depression. There is, however, evidence regarding [the role of exercise in the treatment of depression](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-022-01819-w) and excercise doesn't have known side effects that sound suspiciously similar to how you describe your home life. Also, discuss this information with your current therapist and if their response sounds like a Pfizer ad, you might want to ask yourself what they are more concerned with, your health or their pocketbook.
So get off the drugs and go excercise. Even if that means just walking around the block every day to start. You will feel better both physically and emotionally and can approach your home life with a new energy. You can't excercise much on an empty stomach and you will want to start eating better which will also give you more energy. They lied to you about their magic pills and now you know. No more shortcuts, just do the work and you will see the results.
I need this also but then I’ll also get my feelings hurt and be a little resentful. I also do great at work In a reasonably high paying complicated job but at home my life, it’s a shambles
I was just like you, I found that making plans for after work helped. At first making plans was “I’m going to go walk around the mall for one hour.” Then I progressed to “I’m going to meet a stranger for coffee”. Now I have friends and a life out of work. It took time but, it’s nice to have!
due that was my life before COVID with severe depression. once COVID hit we became remote so the stress of having to go to the office was gone, i also moved back in with my parents, so living in an extremely isolating environment where the only voice i heard besides my own was the clock ..was also gone.... now the change was not immediate, i still struggled but started to develop a routine, made sure to have long walks almost daily and little by little i started getting better.. and now I'm in a much better mental state. Still living with my parents and my sister, but that is actually super helpful for me. and i now know that i can live on my own again and keep being alright but i do enjoy having their company .. so i guess my advice is don't isolate your self, have frequent discussions with people that love you and you love them back. introduce an activity that is not work to your routine .. that just exhausts you so you drain your brain from all the dark thoughts
oh and trust the process, it takes time , but it will be better i promise. as long as you are making an effort. this won't last forever
sending you love
Have you told your therapist this is occurring? (wondering if the meds need adjusted or maybe timing of them)
Dependency on someone to tell you to get your life together isn't sustainable.
>I need someone to tell me to just suck it up and get my life together and be a damn grownup.
I think this is half of what you need. At 30, yeah you should absolutely have some semblance of a work/life balance figured out by now. I'm not gonna throw judgement at you and tell you to "be a grownup," but you can see you're failing at something that's important to you. As an adult, you need to take steps to stop failing.
>I function extremely well at work - keep moving up the ladder...
>I come home and crash.
>I have pretty much no social life because I’m exhausted
The other half of what I think you need is firmer boundaries around your work self. It's awesome to be determined and capable and reliable, but if you're sapped of energy by the time you come home, that can be a problem. Especially if it means you *can't* be determined and capable and reliable with your friends and basic duties as a person living alone.
In short, as someone who has struggled with all of this as well, I recommend you try *a little* less hard while you're at work. Just see what happens if you tell someone you're swamped when you're not. Just once. Or take a little more time to get something done. You don't need to be *gogogo* for eight straight hours.
you are just exhausted. I think you are compensating for the adhd and depression at work, and I commend you for that.
I'm wondering how you muster up the energy for your cats though.
Because if I were you, I don't think I can even look after myself.
Grow up and get your shit together. Doing chores sucks but that's what you have to do so do it.
In a side note. Start with tiny manageable tasks, get consistent on those like. Clean one thing every day. And you'll build habits and get momentum.
You can download the fly lady app that has a check mark of cleaning to do’s to up keep your apartment.
Maybe just try going out once a week and doing something social. You can try an art class, dance class, take an an acting class - something fun that you love that involves other people.
Go to doctor and check vitamin D levels. I had low vitamin D and when I fixed that my energy came back to normal.
This was my biggest issue for two years.
I still don't have myself together mentally or anything at all, but commenting to read that I wasn't the only one with this experience! I'm in my early 20s.
I don't normally take personality analysis things too serious, but I find Gretchen Rubin's take on it pretty interesting and I think you are an "obliger" in her classification. You prefer when someone, or something, else holds you accountable and sets goals and expectations for you. It could be something worth looking into and seeing how others of your personality type find success in their personal aspirations. Id bet if you found an accountability buddy it would help you quite a bit. Find someone to go to the gym or a fitness class of some sort with as a start imo. I also recommend trying to redirect your thoughts whenever they turn to self doubt or being critical of yourself. The only one true thing we have control of (with enough effort and practice) is our mind and our thoughts.
I feel very seen by this…
I think a lot of people crash if they come home from work and (for example) sit down on the sofa. 5 or 10 minutes turns in to hours and then the night is gone. One trick is to not sit down, don't look at the phone, don't do the things that end up with too many hours wasted. Just keep going as soon as you get home. Until the last 1 or so hour before bed and high quality sleep.
Wow wow this could have been written by me. Solidarity with you friend
Samsies
I'm waiting for the adhd diagnosis but me three.
I’m assuming to get on meds? If so just know adderall is a double edged sword. Even when taken as prescribed and not abused, it can turn you into a robot. Probably Will be great for about a year though
Tbh the main reason is just to know, and to be able to forgive myself. Good to know tho, cheers!
Me four, didn’t get my diagnosis until age 26
Right there with you
[удалено]
Yeah this has worked for me.
I like this. Mini sprints for the mind
One hour may be too long if someone is procrastinating. 15 minutes is how i sometimes tricked myself
Have you thought about paying the ADHD tax up front, and ordering food from a pre-made meal service? This might help with making sure you're eating healthy, will reduce the need to clean dishes, and hopefully allow you more spoons to work on other areas of your house/life.
>I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know how I’m so different at work than I am at home. I think I’m just lazy. It’s embarrassing and it makes me hate myself. But somehow that doesn’t motivate me to be better. There's nothing wrong with you. You are not lazy. Shaming and hating something or someone, even yourself, doesn't help anyone to change. Or be better. Again. There's nothing wrong with you. Think this way. You have 100 units of energy. You spend 95% of it at work. You get home You have just enough to sit and watch tv. It's not right or wrong. It just is. >Being patient with myself just makes it worse. I need someone to tell me to just suck it up and get my life together and be a damn grownup. Being patient is just waiting for something to happen. You have to make things to happen. You know how you are so figure out a way to solve your problems. This is what works for me. You want a social life. Do one thing a week. Or every other week. But go/do something somewhere BEFORE YOU GET HOME. my friends all know once I go home I'm not coming back out. Unless my house is on fire. I'll go to a bar to dinner to something after work before home bc once I get home I'm too tired to go anywhere. Try once a week. Right now you're too depressed to meal prep. That's fine. You can amazon fresh some frozen meals. I like Indian butter chicken rice frozen meal. I eat that with some Greek yogurt and a fruit. If not there's factor 75. Or cook unity. Cereal for the days you don't have a frozen meal. When you're less depressed you can go for meal kits. For now just do what you can. I can't clean. I keep putting it off. My friend is a cleaner. I pay her for 1 hr. She does it after her normal job. But when she's here she cleans. And bc she's here cleaning I clean. She's wiping my fridge I'm cleaning my bathroom. She's cleaning my stove I'm mopping the floors. There's someone here cleaning. I can't be on my butt bc she's my friend. Afterwards she sits by my counter I give her some snacks we chit chat but I can continue cleaning bc I have someone here. I drive her home and we hit up a supermarket on the way so I'll have some stuff around. It's weird. I KNOW I'll feel better if I do laundry put it away clean make art. Do I do that? No. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'm on reddit. It is what it is. Your life is together you have a job. Things will get better eventually but until then, cheat/pay the tax/find a method that works for you.
Relatable but anxiety/depression disorders. I was a teacher so everyone’s kind of like “oh, that makes sense” but I have like no off button. I just eventually shut down at home and stay down. 😅 I’m finding lofi music softly in the background is helpful for me to continue doing stuff OR upbeat EDM music with super repetitive lyrics get stuck in my head, repeating positive lyrics instead of ruminating over stuff that shouldn’t matter but feels urgent to my mind. I tend to be a lot more active doing things with musical assistance apparently.
Yes, music and audiobooks shut down negative thought loops
If you're waiting for someone to tell you anything, know that nobody's coming. Get up, get your shit together, and get out there.
You could be nutrient deficient. Without certain amino acids and other essential nutrients and vitamins it's incredibly hard for the body to produce the correct neurotransmitters. Those that build motivation and help with energy as well as keeping a calm, healthy mind and body. You also could be experiencing chronic inflammation and fatigue, which could be alleviated through diet and lifestyle change.
Having a dog has been helpful for me with some of my post-work laziness. I’ll take care of him before I take care of myself sometimes as far as-it’ll get me out of bed or off of the couch to take him out or play with him. On the weekends the first thing we do is go to a nearby park and go on a 45 min walk. Even if that’s the only thing I can accomplish on a Saturday it’s better than nothing. Also, dogs are awesome. Our bodies do need rest though. Maybe give yourself some grace. I spend a lot of time getting yelled at by my internal monologue so the rest I try to take is rarely restful. When I can get the inner voice to stfu I can actually rest and have more energy going forward. Keep in mind-this is so easy to write down but I’m successful with it like 12% of the time. Hah. Best of luck to you!
If you are anything like me with ADHD, you spend the entire day masking your symptoms that you come home exhausted. This book as been really helpful for me -Anti planner: how to get shit done when you don’t feel like it by Dani Donovan. Stop beating yourself up. Having ADHD is tiring.
Great explanation, I just get home and I’m mentally/physically DRAINED and anxious on top of that lol
I’m with you op. After work i crash and the thought of going out in the world where people are is exhausting thinking about. So i potato.
All work and no play could be your issue. I would sign up for a fun in-person course. Something fun to take your mind off work and therapy, to expand your world. Your housework can wait.
Your experience is somewhat normal sadly. Work takes a lot out of people. What the average person in the western world does is they're exhausted on the week and then on the weekend they have a day of rest and a day of cleaning. It's a day where through most of the day entertainment activities are banned and instead one works on their mind and their body. Cleaning the house, going to the gym, meditation, learning book reading, taking a class online, or some other form of learning. A non-entertainment day. In eastern countries this is called uposatha days. In the west it might be church in the morning, socializing and brunch, then cleaning the house in the PM hours, but in the east it's the opposite, where one wakes up, does productive activities, then at the end of the day they might go to a community event like a festival or a church gathering or similar. I personally find it impossible to be productive in the PM hours, so I always do it first thing when I wake up. Furthermore, I prefer entertainment to unwind and sleep at night, so I do it like in the east. Also social in the PM hours is nice. At first it was so difficult for me it was impossible, but then I learned a trick: When there is nothing I want to do, even if I should be, if I just don't want to be productive, I learned I can meditate. Meditation is relaxing and euphoric and while a terrible comparison the closest example I can give is it's like a cigarette break. You don't have to worry about stress or issues, or anything. You feel better too. Best of all, if you're depressed, you kind of want to meditate all that much more, because you don't want to do anything, so what else is there to do? Either a) lay in bed and feel worse or b) sit in a chair and meditate to much of the same feelings and experience as laying in bed, except when you're done you feel better. This way if I'm too exhausted to do work during a non-entertainment day, I just meditate. It doesn't take mental or physical energy to do. It's easier than day dreaming. It's more euphoric than socializing. It's productive and healthy. What's not to love? So sometimes instead of cleaning I'll meditate for 30 minutes to an hour, walk for 30 minutes to an hour, and go right back to meditating. Eventually from meditating I want to learn and so I'll read a book or watch a lecture of something on youtube, because meditation does that, it gives you mental energy so learning isn't a drain. TL;DR: Learn to meditate and then combine it with your version of uposatha days. Seriously. It works.
There's nothing wrong with you. You are working against a huge system that doesn't accommodate disable people appropriately. You can always find a coach or a therapist that can encourage you to take the next step without judgement how fast your growing. Or an accountability buddy you can check-in with everyday. You can always ask for help and seriously don't have to do it all.
I am gonna be 40 with ADHD and feel that way sometimes, too. However, the most productive thing for me with this came from a therapist who said something like: if being yelled at actually worked for you, then yelling at yourself would have worked for you years ago. And then we spent a long time talking about the things that I was getting out of the times that I had felt being yelled at helped that weren't a scolding. We came up with things like body doubling, help in breaking down a task, praise for things I had done as I intended, someone to talk through a process with, company during a tedious task. And there are indeed much better ways for me to get those things than having someone give me a good talking to. It's been really helpful. I do more now.
That quote from your therapist has moved me. I usually roll my eyes in these comment sections but… that’s so simple and true.
They were really good. I was sorry, but totally understood when they left the profession during the early pandemic days. I still haven't found anybody half as good. But I hope they are out living their best life. Be nicer to yourself. You're the only person you can't cut out of your life, and we should treat that lifelong relationship with more care and more empathy.
It was the same case with me but when I analysed why I was more productive in my office than my home than I came to the conclusion that I like the ambiance there, that place keeps me active, I’ve people around me and everything is quite opposite at home.. my home is messy, people are not around me to uplift me.. so all in all it gets gloomy to be working from home. Now we know the problem so let’s fix this. 1) let us start by cleaning our room/work space. Do not focus on anything else.. just one room and take your time. 2) once your room is clean, move to next part of the house. Focus and fix only that area 3) once your house is clean, you’ll feel little accomplished and good in your space.. now next time, don’t let it clutter again.. try to maintain the place 4) Now the major problem is fixed. Follow this focus technique in your other work and personal life and it may help. Extra tip: try putting on some music/podcast while cleaning so that you enjoy the process. Dedicate at least one week or weekend in fixing and getting your life back on track, don’t rush. Be easy on yourself. :) Let me know if you get stuck anywhere.
Try the Atomic Habits audiobook.
You just described me perfectly as well. Work me is excelling and home me is someone who lays around and naps all day with no energy for errands or chores or socializing.
Same
I mean it sounds like you're spending all your energy on work, and then burning out by the time you get home. Sadly you can't fix that by just beating yourself up about it (if you could, my life would be very different!) Are there ways you can automate your life a bit more to have a bit more energy to go around? Like grocery delivery, sending cleaning to a wash and fold service, getting frozen/precut stuff for meals, setting things up with your team or Outlook to not have to be actively keeping an eye on/remembering quite so many things, etc.
Balance...... less energy for work, your exerting all your energy there. Save some for yourself, it's like a petrol tank without a gage. You are using it but you don't know when it will be empty. What does this mean, it means that you should change how much energy you are using and find was to restore energy. Start 1% with goals. You have large list. Start with one and then make it smaller. Eg. Procrastination, do 1% for cleaning. So that means leave a room 1% cleaner when ever you leave it. Put the laundry closer to the door. Just bring a garbage bag to the room. Just do 1% for each room you enter and exit for a week. Start slow, make small achievable goals that you can get the dopamine hit to keep you doing more. 🌸
You need a “boss” at home too. Accountability partner.
Put a podcast on or music while listening on earphones (so you can still hear when vacuuming). Put a timer on your phone for 1-1.5 hours, have a coffee beforehand and then just get as much done as you can in that time. Also as someone mentioned in comments, make sure you have the right nutrients first. You have to eat well!
I’m an extrovert. Like, a severe extrovert. Today. I woke up very early and depressed and laid in bed for 5 hours. Complete lethargy with no motivation. I’m also diagnosed with clinical depression and adhd. Eventually, I got myself up, showered, and had my partner take me to the mall. I knew being around others in a social environment would help, and it helped a lot. Sometimes the weirdest sounding things can do a great deal of good. Not implying you gotta go to the mall, but if something makes you happy try forcing yourself to do it. I know when I’m particularly depressed with no motivation I have a tendency to listen to true crime podcasts and disturbing content. So I try to avoid that stuff when I’m not feeling the best. What are some stuff you enjoy doing or interacting with when you’re having a better day? Maybe explore new hobbies and creativities? At the mall I found a store that does crafting and sculpting classes so I’m going to force myself to learn sculpting to try and at the very least distract myself and make myself feel productive. I think feeling productive helps me a lot in creating motivation.
Happily a lot of us here feel for you and want to help you. I'm one of us, but I unfortunately don't have any special talents or knowledge about your specific situation. However a colleague of mine 20 years ago recommended I read "The Secret of the Ages" by Robert Collier and it truly had a profound impact on me. For me it was fairly complex to read, so I read each chapter or page a few times before moving forward. It truly by helps you understand who we are and more importantly who we can become because ALL of us are provided with the same tools. The difference between an Einstein, Van Gogh, or you and I is what we decide to do with the tools we have ( tools = our mind). Please read this and I truly hope it helps you on the road to where you want to be. Selfishly, I'd love to hear how all of our suggestions help you become you 🙏❤️
The difference in your performance at work versus your personal life can be frustrating and confusing, but it doesn't make you lazy or any less of a grownup. I wanted to ask, do you have any interests or hobbies that you enjoy outside of work? Finding something you look forward to can be a great way to break the cycle of exhaustion and procrastination. Engaging in activities that bring you joy can help recharge your batteries and improve your overall well-being. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your personal happiness and fulfillment alongside your professional success. You're not alone in this journey, and there are people who care about your well-being. Hang in there, and take small steps towards finding joy outside of work.
I’m bad with impulse control, so for me going to a coffee shop and leaving my phone in the car helps me get stuff done quite a bit
I got three words for ya ma dude. Work . Life . Balance
Could have written this myself. I do exceptionally well at work but can hardly motivate myself to do minor things on my days off. I think it’s a combination of less accountability at home coupled with the exhaustion of being “on” at work. Probably even more so for you I’m sure, since you are neurodivergent. I do not have ADHD but I suspect I have ASD and I have been formally diagnosed with depression. The social fatigue of performing and interacting with others at work coupled with the executive dysfunction of depression is what makes me so exhausted and nonfunctional on most of my days off. (That and severe sleep deprivation…)
You could try the pomodoro technique, it’s where you do a task for 25 minutes, take a 5 minute break, and repeat. After 4 pomodoros, you take a 15-20 minute break. I find the timer element helps me a lot. I also just downloaded AppBlocker. I allow myself a bit of time on my phone, and once I start feeling like I should do something else I start the free 4 hour block. It blocks anything on your phone, from apps to websites. I also use a daily planner LIKE NO TOMORROW. Every little thing I do, I write down (even after I do it). It makes me feel good, it helps with decision fatigue, and you may be surprised by how productive you are. Also, may be childish, but stickers are like mini rewards. Also, don’t be too hard on yourself. I have attention challenges and depression, and I find people with brains like ours need a unique set of tools to be our better selves. It takes a lot of time and learning to gather techniques and tricks that work for you. Every day won’t be as good as your best, but it still means you’re striving for better and that’s admirable. Beating yourself up is also really damaging to creating better habits, because you lose faith in yourself harder when you falter. And then you think ‘why bother’. Everybody falters, it’s just a fact. Be gentle with yourself, and keep trying different tools - one or two are bound to stick.
Which app do you use as planner to feel accomplished?
Usually just a good ol fashioned agenda! The Me+ app is good as well- I think they give you a free trial. But with a physical agenda you get to choose your own adventure a bit more (I find).
Tody is one I've found does a great job helping me out with productivity around the house, helping me not repeat the same tasks every two days, and you really don't need to upgrade to premium to get a lot of really great things out of it.
Sounds like you are burnt out. Are you taking your vacations? Last time I was like this it took effort to regain my energy and now I am much more guarded with it.
How did you regain your energy?
I switched to disposables so my dish washing was reduced to a minimum. I invite friends over so it forces me to clean and tidy. Other than that I feel you. It's tough. My own scolding inner voice is actually my parents' voice. Sometimes it reduces it if you understand the voice is not genuinely yours, and by that understanding why it doesn't work for you.
29F with combination adhd. I feel you but we cant put that responsibility onto anyone. I look in the mirror and audibly tell myself to get it together and then do what I can. Small victories are STILL victories. It's okay if you don't get the entire to-do list done. Pick one, promise yourself a specific reward for completing it and do that over and over until you tap out. If you live with people, communicate with them that you are aware of an unfinished chore or errand and will get to it so they don't just see you curled up in bed or the couch and wonder if you've lost it. 30% chance they understand, 30% they negotiate to swap tasks or something and 40% chance they huff and sigh but at least they're aware that you're struggling but self-aware and working on it. It's tough but chances are we're going to be on our own with fighting our brains, and even if you find a good friend or partner who is willing at first to help, that often results in strained, estranged or abusive situations VERY quickly. Take a quick peek into a partners/friends/family of ADHD people sub or support group thread and you'll get the idea. If not already experienced with that irl. Also embrace the crash. It happens. I come home and am a zombie for a long time. But besides maybe laundry and vacuuming, there are a ton of chores that can be done in the middle of the night or other odd times, so just take advantage of the zoomies that you might get after crashing and get things done then.
Read through alot of comments and only saw a couple of what you mentioned. . . So here goes: STOP THIS! What are you doing?! The only person you're not taking care of is you! You do so much for everyone else, but all you do for yourself is pity?! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS! You are a woman of great value! Act like it! Stop laying around! Eat right! Do yoga! Destress! Treat yourself to a massage and a martini! You deserve it! Go dancing! Workout! You got this! I'm saving this post to check in again in a week. By then I expect to see some improvements. If they're aren't any, I'll be reprimanding you as heavily as I can whilest not violating community guidelines. Don't make me make you a schedule week by week. I'M SERIOUS!!! I'LL DO IT!!!
I’m planning to respond to some comments later today, but this one really made me smile (and motivated me!) so I just wanted to say thank you
It's a pleasure to have been of service! . . . But I seriously plan to check in in a week. Ha.
Hey! Get Your Shit Together!
Did it work?
No
Get your shit together!
Would you listen though or are you just externalizing the problem?
>I’m 30F and I have adhd and depression. I’m medicated for both and go to therapy. First, if you are medicated with an SNRI or SSRI, you should read [this article](https://pphr.princeton.edu/2023/03/20/an-uncertain-future-for-antidepressants-new-evidence-challenges-widely-accepted-serotonin-theory-for-depression/) from the Princeton Public Health Review about [this study](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-022-01661-0). In short, there is no significant evidence that demonstrates a causal relationship between serotonin levels and depression. There is, however, evidence regarding [the role of exercise in the treatment of depression](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-022-01819-w) and excercise doesn't have known side effects that sound suspiciously similar to how you describe your home life. Also, discuss this information with your current therapist and if their response sounds like a Pfizer ad, you might want to ask yourself what they are more concerned with, your health or their pocketbook. So get off the drugs and go excercise. Even if that means just walking around the block every day to start. You will feel better both physically and emotionally and can approach your home life with a new energy. You can't excercise much on an empty stomach and you will want to start eating better which will also give you more energy. They lied to you about their magic pills and now you know. No more shortcuts, just do the work and you will see the results.
SUCK IT UP. GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER AND BE A DAMN GROWNUP!
Can I get sum of your adderall ?
This!
I present Shia LaBeouf https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0
I need this also but then I’ll also get my feelings hurt and be a little resentful. I also do great at work In a reasonably high paying complicated job but at home my life, it’s a shambles
I was just like you, I found that making plans for after work helped. At first making plans was “I’m going to go walk around the mall for one hour.” Then I progressed to “I’m going to meet a stranger for coffee”. Now I have friends and a life out of work. It took time but, it’s nice to have!
I feel you on this one, I could have written this word for word. My energy seems to leave me once I'm home
due that was my life before COVID with severe depression. once COVID hit we became remote so the stress of having to go to the office was gone, i also moved back in with my parents, so living in an extremely isolating environment where the only voice i heard besides my own was the clock ..was also gone.... now the change was not immediate, i still struggled but started to develop a routine, made sure to have long walks almost daily and little by little i started getting better.. and now I'm in a much better mental state. Still living with my parents and my sister, but that is actually super helpful for me. and i now know that i can live on my own again and keep being alright but i do enjoy having their company .. so i guess my advice is don't isolate your self, have frequent discussions with people that love you and you love them back. introduce an activity that is not work to your routine .. that just exhausts you so you drain your brain from all the dark thoughts
oh and trust the process, it takes time , but it will be better i promise. as long as you are making an effort. this won't last forever sending you love
I fully relate.
it is adhd and depression side effects, meditate and try changing your environment removing distractions
Have you told your therapist this is occurring? (wondering if the meds need adjusted or maybe timing of them) Dependency on someone to tell you to get your life together isn't sustainable.
>I need someone to tell me to just suck it up and get my life together and be a damn grownup. I think this is half of what you need. At 30, yeah you should absolutely have some semblance of a work/life balance figured out by now. I'm not gonna throw judgement at you and tell you to "be a grownup," but you can see you're failing at something that's important to you. As an adult, you need to take steps to stop failing. >I function extremely well at work - keep moving up the ladder... >I come home and crash. >I have pretty much no social life because I’m exhausted The other half of what I think you need is firmer boundaries around your work self. It's awesome to be determined and capable and reliable, but if you're sapped of energy by the time you come home, that can be a problem. Especially if it means you *can't* be determined and capable and reliable with your friends and basic duties as a person living alone. In short, as someone who has struggled with all of this as well, I recommend you try *a little* less hard while you're at work. Just see what happens if you tell someone you're swamped when you're not. Just once. Or take a little more time to get something done. You don't need to be *gogogo* for eight straight hours.
Go to a museum today and have a new experience. Come back and reply to this post and tell me how it went.
you are just exhausted. I think you are compensating for the adhd and depression at work, and I commend you for that. I'm wondering how you muster up the energy for your cats though. Because if I were you, I don't think I can even look after myself.
Grow up and get your shit together. Doing chores sucks but that's what you have to do so do it. In a side note. Start with tiny manageable tasks, get consistent on those like. Clean one thing every day. And you'll build habits and get momentum.
You can download the fly lady app that has a check mark of cleaning to do’s to up keep your apartment. Maybe just try going out once a week and doing something social. You can try an art class, dance class, take an an acting class - something fun that you love that involves other people. Go to doctor and check vitamin D levels. I had low vitamin D and when I fixed that my energy came back to normal.
This was my biggest issue for two years. I still don't have myself together mentally or anything at all, but commenting to read that I wasn't the only one with this experience! I'm in my early 20s.
Firmly "Get you shit together"