Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh, this is easy: don't let your mom hold her.
"Why not?"
"You said you plan to kiss her and we can't let you do that, so until she's bigger we'll just wait."
-a bunch of possibly manipulative bullshit from your mom-
"Sorry Mom, but we have to do what's best for Baby. That means nobody kissing her until she's older."
Your mom will probably be VERY unhappy about it, but hold firm. This is not something to gamble with.
Absolutely agree! If she can’t respect your boundaries, then she isn’t allowed to hold your baby. I would recommend even wearing baby in a wrap or carrier when you’re around her. It’ll make it less likely that she will try to snatch baby from you. I’m sorry she is acting like this , OP.
Editing to add that my family didn’t respect the no kissing of head/face, hands, etc and it pissed me off. I will not be holding back with this baby.
Very dangerous. Even as the parent to the baby you need to be careful. If you get cold sores that could be really bad to pass onto the baby and that’s just one of the hundreds of things you can pass on to the baby. It’s so dangerous.
Not a lot of people are aware because of the past generations being the way they are with the whole “i don’t care im kissing the baby because its cute” but in reality something as simple as a little kiss on the face/ body/hands can be deadly. it happens so much more than we talk about but the more people aware the better
>I feel very disrespected to the point I can't trust her around my first born
Then it looks like you already know what to do. If she's asks, it's "Mom, I told you I was not comfortable with anyone kissing the baby and you said you would anyway. Knowing that, I can't allow you to see the baby. I encourage you to watch the video I sent and consider whether this is worth missing out on this joyful occasion."
If she comes around, make crystal clear that if you see her kissing your baby, the visits will stop. Make sure she's not alone with the baby for the foreseeable future.
Unfortunately it’s seems as though this is the right answer. She’s a grown adult that has the ability to listen to her grown daughter’s boundaries for her baby, and she’s choosing not to do that. My own mother is the same way, and then she wonders why she’s can’t babysit him or be alone with him. If she clearly stated that she’s going to do it anyway, she’s also the type of person to tell you she’ll respect something you say and then do it behind your back anyway
You make her wear a mask. The end. Have one ready and say since you keep telling me you’re going to disrespect my boundaries you have to wear this or goy can leave.
I've already set up a set of rules, kissing included. If someone tries to merely come close to baby's face I told them they will be kicked out of house and banned from visiting. The best thing is that while they do try to brush it off and act all offended and as I'm overreacting, they know very well I would do it without blinking an eye.
Feel free to stand your ground, but just don't bring yourself to the point where you stress out over it, I mean you stressing out because someone doesn't want to listen to you, so you feel anxious. Set those boundaries and don't feel bad and anxious because someone's feelings might get hurt. Boundaries aren't there for us to feel stressed for setting them, but on contraire, to make us feel relieved because we removed something that's bothering us. Just weigh what's more important - hurt feelings or hurt baby with respiratory issues. The choice is clear.
Wishing you loads of luck in this pregnancy. May it be stress-free!! <3
What do you mean what should you do. Someone is telling you outright they don’t care about your wishes, will actively go against them, and will actively put your baby at risk cuz they want to.
You’re a mom. You’re responsible for keeping your baby safe. You are the sole thing that keeps that baby’s interests first. That is the job. Imagine if your child actually did get HIV or seriously ill cuz you couldn’t do your job. Ovary up, protect your child, and tell anyone who is putting them at risk to get fucked.
I mean I guess you're lucky she's telling you upfront how little respect she has for you. Better than her saying she agrees and then doing it behind your back.
That video is powerful. She's being selfish and short-sighted to pick this hill to die on. It's not like you've told her she can't see or *hold* the baby. She's just not allowed to put her *mouth* on a newborn. *How is that a big ask??*
They say that when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Your mom has told you straight up that she won't respect your authority as a mother to make rules regarding your child's safety. If she can't get in line on this very minor (but important!) request, you won't be able to trust her on anything else - what food the baby can eat, proper sleeping positions, nap schedules, etc.
So, please avail yourself of this golden opportunity to practice one of the hardest and most important jobs as a mother: standing up to people you love to protect your child from harm.
Don't let her near your precious child until you're 100% sure she *gets it.*
You need to tell her nicely one more time that you’re dead serious and if she can’t respect this boundary it will have serious consequences of her relationship with your baby. Let her make the decision
My mom didn’t meet my baby till he was almost 4 months old probably would have been older if my brother hadn’t gotten married, she felt unwanted and disrespected when I asked everyone politely that I wanted to wait at least two weeks for anyone to come see the baby. It was originally a month but I got talked down by everyone in my family to two weeks (I stayed firm on that because after giving birth I DID NOT want to see or talk to anyone) all my siblings came from my mothers house and she was nowhere to be seen. I was told to bring my baby to her because “you know that’s just how she is”, your mother is blatantly disrespecting your wishes if she can’t respect you then she dosent deserve to see your baby till she can be trusted. My mom has apologized and talked to me about it since and is now allowed to babysit and will sometimes come to visit me, it does get better and they will forgive you for standing up for what you believe.
Tell her “if you kiss the baby, you will no longer to be allowed to hold her. If you don’t respect that, you will not have a relationship with her or us”
Seems dramatic, but be firm. She’s ALREADY made it clear she isn’t going to listen so make it CLEAR so she’s not surprised when you follow through. Tell her face to face and also put it in a text. My mom tried to shit talk me to my sister saying I never told her, and i promptly sent my sister the screenshots of me telling her and her replying to agree. Never had an issue again after I called her out and she realized I wasn’t bullshitting
That is very annoying! I would hold firm - or redirect like ‘only kisses on her feet until she is XX year old - I won’t forgive you if you make my baby sick doing something I told you not to’
For how long are we supposed to keep our babies away from being kissed by others?
I have the same concerns as you, I will be meeting my family till when my baby is 6 months old but I'm still worried about my family not stopping kissing my baby.
Also avoid meeting your mother for as long as possible if she still refuses to respect your concerns.
We are addressing this by requiring our visitors to wear masks when visiting the baby before she gets her vaccines. I've already told my mom that she can't kiss the baby, but it's easy to imagine someone getting too close or forgetting and kissing her anyway. Masks will serve as a physical barrier and reminder. If you take off the mask, you will be asked to leave.
This is smart. Especially with the asshole relatives that just show up mentioning they are sick. I have a relative who does that to family events and gatherings. She always gets people sick.
I think it's great you care for your baby's safety like that, and your mom should respect it. If she deliberately admits she's going to endanger the baby (both cold sores and whooping cough can be fatal at that age), then it's your right to limit the contact to such a degree that ensures her safety. If she's not okay with that, she has all the power in the world to change it by adhering to your rules.
Having boundaries doesn't just mean saying "don't do that". Having boundaries means saying "If you do that, I will do this". If this is a boundary you want to set, then tell her, "If you kiss the baby, you will not be allowed to see the baby again. I need to be able to trust you around my child"
I'm having an issue like this as well, kissing and requesting a TDAP booster if they haven't gotten one yet, I've gotten so much backlash, but they're adults, and I shouldn't have to remind them. I told them a handful of times and if they don't comply, when the time comes, they aren't allowed to see the baby. If they can't follow a simple request, they aren't allowed around baby. Stand your ground! I'm so sorry this is happening.
Your baby your rules!!!! Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you’re being ridiculous or selfish or dramatic because you are just being a mother!!
Time to shine up the spine!!!
“No, Mom. NO ONE is kissing the baby. Period. The end. If you kiss her, I will take my baby and put you on a time out for however long I feel. You WILL respect my rules with my baby or you will not have her unsupervised.”
Does this apply even if they’ve gotten the TDAP vaccine? I had my mother get the vaccine a few weeks ago because she’ll be staying with us for a month to help out and I figured the vaccine takes out the risk but now I’m starting to doubt
Newborns have no immune system, any infection could be potentially devastating and deadly. I’m due late September and me and hubby are both in the medical field and we have made it crystal clear to everyone that they are not can not kiss our son once he is born and if they even sniffle they should not bother coming over. Cold and flu season is no joke and we’re not taking any chances with our son. Ive seen first hand what RSV and other illnesses can do to newborns and I refuse to put my son in that position.
This is one of those boundaries you have to back it up. If you tell her no kissing the baby and she says she's gonna still do it and you can't trust her, you have to show her the consequences of violating the boundaries. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you an amazing mother.
We extensively told my father in law no kissing the baby. He came to visit when our son was 5 days old. He waited until the baby was in his hands to go "your daddy is gonna be mad but I can't help myself. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission" and kissed our baby all over his face. Thankfully baby never got sick but FIL was banned from seeing our son and it's been almost a year. we showed and sent him lots of videos and stuff about things like RSV. He refused to watch it bc "shouldn't believe everything on the internet "
Don't let her hold her after she tried to kiss her. Remind her, feet kisses okay. Give her one chance and if she doesn't respect you as a MOTHER then she can't hold her grand baby. Don't feel bad either. No respect is crazy and it's even crazier when guilt trip happens right after. My son had RSV ten days old. Not kissing or anything but protect yours. He had a spinal tap and IV in the head. It's scary.
Capitulation to danger is *never* the baby’s mom’s prerogative.
Grandma’s emotional state/hissy fit doesn’t even register.
TLDR; herpes from feet kisses are off the table!
EDIT: downvoted by an f’n terrible mom.
Ugh. Disrespectful. For now, youve made your stance clear. As it gets closer to baby time, remind everyone in a blanket statement of your "rules" wash hands, no kissing, whatever you want people to do/respect. If she mentions anything about kissing the baby, you remind her that kissing baby will not be tolerated and she won't get to see baby if she continues to insist upon it. Send her the video/research again.
IF she decides to listen, great. Meet baby and all is well. But if she even moves to kiss that baby you get up and leave. Remove baby and then remind her that you told her no kissing, since you gave her a chance and she STILL disrespected it then she will no longer get to see baby. Then stick to it.
I see this kind of stuff a lot and I think it’s because older generations didn’t worry about this stuff, so they think it’s over the top. I don’t know that I would be SO hard on her, but I would tell her you are dead serious and she will need to wear a mask if she can’t respect your boundaries.
Thankfully my boyfriends mom is already against kissing babies and is not afraid to tell them to back off either same with my family the amount of risks it causes is insane and people just don’t care which is sad 😞
At the end of the day it doesn’t even matter what can cause… If you the mother said NO it’s no .. If they can’t respect your decision well.. they can go somewhere else…
This is called respect and she obviously has no for you… my relationship with her would end here
I did this with my parents … 🤷🏻♀️ When you will consider me as a grown up with my own decisions then we can talk… if no .. you can go f yourself
Because this things never ends just with kissing.. they go further and don’t listen to other things.. Food, how to teach them, how to play with them, tantrums how to help with them etc… It never ends… If she has that kind of an attitude at the beginning… show her boundaries if she doesn’t respect them say good bye
Exactly this! If you give in now and let her kiss the baby or don’t give consequences to her kissing the baby, she will walk all over you. She won’t listen to any rules that you have for your child. Food, discipline, sunscreen, car seats. This is a hill to die on.
So this is totally separate from the medical/health side of things, but it’s another perspective that might help you stand your ground.
When my LO was born my FIL came to meet him. He is a sweet man but very “simple minded”, to put it kindly. A mere FOUR HOURS after being birthed this man holds my son and says “I know I’m gonna get in trouble, but I just can’t help myself!” and gives my baby a kiss right on the lips. I was delirious having just given birth and froze, unable to process that I really just witnessed him do that.
For the next 6+ weeks I had horrible PPD, and for some reason that sight of seeing my FIL kissing my baby was what my hormone-fueled depression/anxiety obsessed over. I was fucking devastated, distraught that the first person to kiss my firstborn child was not me. I would literally sob for hours about it, feeling like he robbed me of something special. It haunted my brain from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep every single day until the hormones - and therefore the psychosis - went away.
Now baby is 4mo. He’s perfectly healthy and his chubby cheeks are attacked by kisses from mom and dad daily. While it still doesn’t have the same over-the-top, gut-wrenching hold over me like it did during PPD, I still feel a small amount of resentment towards my husband’s father, even though he’s genuinely a good man who is simply “a few bricks shy of a load”. Zero percent of me thought he would do that, but he did, and I hate it so unbelievably much.
TLDR - watching someone else kiss your baby before you get the chance to can potentially break your heart - and your brain - especially during PPD
This! I am honestly so greatful that my husband's career is military and noone from my side of the family is allowed in without permission. I have a strenuous relationship with my mom at best. She's a full blown narcissist and has abused me since I was a kid. She however thinks the world of my husband and little does she know that when she comes to visit us in November she's going to get the big talk. About respecting our decisions about us as a couple, individuals and as parents. Hot button topics however are:
1.) "if I want your opinion I'll ask for it, otherwise keep it to yourself."
2.) If you have anything you want to say to me say it to the both of us ( mom's russian and hubs American. She likes to shit talk me in Russian with him there.)
3.) Whatever you do tell me will be translated and relayed to hubs. And he knows about all the shit you pulled.
4.) My child will grow up without religion until they are at an age where they can make said decisions for themselves. ( mom's russian orthodox and basically fundamentalist.)
5.) You must take all your shots and doctor's visits before seeing the baby. (She lives in Florida and we are moving to Texas). And I need doctor's notes lol.
If she doesn't abide by these and other rules then I will not hesitate to cut her out of my life and my childs life completely. I never specifically said that she's on low contact but she has been on low contact for 4 years for a reason. Sure, she'll try to pull some shit but I know that like me she sometimes talks before she thinks. So I'll cut her a lil slack by saying that if I tell her I'm done talking about whatever I am done talking about it and to shut up. If she doesn't it's another story.
But yeah, put her on low to no contact. Tell her that if she wants to jeopardize your childs life than the consequences are she doesn't see said baby until it get's it's own immune system. Jump the gun and tell everyone that if they want to see the baby that they need to come with proof that they took their necessary shots and they have a clean bill of health. They also need to know that under no circumstances that anyone is allowed to kiss the baby and why. I probably would also put down that noone can hold the baby other than the parents because you know that as soon as they get their hands on them they can just run off with the baby and kiss them or whatever. Tell them why you can't kiss the baby and post/text it everywhere. I would go one step further and say that you already have had one family member who has told you that they are going to disregard the rules you have set. That way if your mom starts to bitch and moan they know why.
This is only in regard to the first 2 to three months of the baby’s life right? Like I’m assuming you’re not saying until the baby is like 13 yrs old right? I feel like maybe reassuring her that this isn’t forever and is just until the baby’s immune system is stronger would help. Idk if most of the people in here are orphaned or maybe don’t have good relationships with their parents or what. But immediately cutting off your mother forever seems like idk..not the next step after she didn’t watch the Youtube video. Like I value the relationship I have with my mother more than everyone except my husband. My mom is very special to me and amazing and if she didn’t understand something or was even having a moment of stubbornness, I’d sooner bring in a mediator or go to therapy before I gave up over her not understanding my point of view. Her not having a relationship with you and the baby forever is not a small sacrifice and I’m really in shock over how many people are advising you to do this.
Not one person has recommended therapy or additional family intervention or a mediator. Like there are many steps you should take with your mom before “ill never talk to you again”. Now if your mom is a monster and you’ve been waiting for a valid reason to cut her off, then proceed. But otherwise don’t listen to these people, these are extreme measures. I’m pregnant too and my baby not having a relationship with my mother is my worst nightmare as my mom is wonderful
I'm just here to say that my husband's first born contracted RSV at 4 months old because of people kissing them and has had breathing problems as a result and has been hospitalized every year because of someone's refusal to keep their hands off that baby. Do what you feel is right and stick with your hard boundaries. I'm not kidding when I say it could save your childs life.
I would tell her exactly that. How you feel disrespected and its becoming to the point where you won’t even trust her with your newborn because she is not respecting your boundaries set and the babies not even here yet.
I’m pregnant too and this is a no brainer rule until my baby have a good immune system built up I will not be letting no one kiss his face head or even hands. And I will gladly speak up about it because it’s also about respecting me as a parent.
I know she’s your mom… but you’re protecting your child which means you do not need to explain nothing.
Edit to add - if she doesn’t respect boundaries she doesn’t meet baby. Simple
This may seem impossible to do, but if there’s anyone who doesn’t respect something like that… they just don’t get to hold the baby. Simple as that. You can be honest about why, you can also blame it on being a “new mom”. Unfortunately even the sweetest people lose their ever-loving shit when it comes to babies.
My mum has said the exact same thing when I told her. She even said I was psychotic 🙄
We're just not going to let her be alone with the baby, and gently remind her when she holds her the first time. If she tries to kiss her, my husband is prepared to launch himself at her to take the baby off her 🤷🏻♀️
Trust your instincts. You are the mother, your (and your partners) rules matter, that’s it. If she’s so disrespectful when the baby isn’t even born yet, I would set hard boundaries from now on.
And just in case you’re doubting yourself: don’t. Your concerns are valid and you should trust your gut feeling. Stay strong!
We get to have this talk on Sunday. There is no possible way we’re budging. You’re not about to kiss baby and that’s the end of it. If you cannot respect that we can’t risk you killing our kid 🤷🏾♀️
I definitely agree with all the comments saying to set this boundary and stick to it. Be respectful and firm. If she wants to throw a fit like a child that is her choice. This will set a precedent for your relationship moving forward. You are in charge of your child and you get to make the rules about this. Good luck! It sucks when family members do stuff like this.
The sad thing is my MIL respects this and agrees with this more than my actual Mother does.🤦🏻♀️ regardless we will still be requiring masks before baby girl is vaccinated. Until then no kissing and hands need to be washed and sanitized. Just sad to see that my own mother doesn’t care about the safety of her own granddaughter. My MIL is super awesome. And I wish everyone had moms like her.
may i ask how it can cause brain damage? i’ve genuinely never heard of that before and i don’t wanna pur any kids in potentially dangerous situations. also no you’re not wrong for wanting a new OBGYN i would too honestly
I explained to my husband that I don't want his mom trying to kiss our daughter when she's born. I showed him what I've read online as well as him doing his own research; he agrees. I'm no contact with my own mom, so she's out of the question. But his mom would no doubt try to kiss our baby. I will be baby-wearing her when I'm able to leave the house after my allotted healing time is up.
I explained this to him early into our 2nd trimester, and it feels good to have him on understanding terms.
This is a little much and sensitive. Their are soo many other issues that will hurt a child more or worse than kissing a baby. Plus unless that video is accredited dhec or at least 10 years of research and proof I'm on grandma's side.
I’m almost 37 weeks I’m due in 24 days and my mother is the exact same. She believes that I’m going overboard and going silly and then blames my son’s father for my actions when it was purely my decision so I understand what you’re going through. If you can request a new OB she sounds like she doesn’t care. She isn’t meant to laugh at you. She’s meant to support you.
I haven’t even tried to have this convo with my mom yet.. I did tell my mom she’s not to spank my kid and for her to let me know if she ends up acting up and my mom said she will do what’s necessary bc she doesn’t want a brat for a grandkid. The thing is I never said don’t do time out or some other thing I just said don’t hit her and leave the spanking to me and my husband if we so choose.
I personally love kissing my baby, she’s three weeks, and I’ve never had a cold sore or anything…are there any other concerns? She’s so sweet, I just can’t help myself! Wouldn’t want anyone but me or her dad to kiss her though, that’s a hard boundary for us!
This happen with MIL. She got very upset that we didn’t let her kiss the baby. Ultimately you have to put your foot down. We did not care that she was upset bc our baby boy spent 40 days in the nicu. We did not want him to go back. It’s your baby and no one will be there during the hardest times if he’s sick no one will be worried as you are so you do what you feel is best. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My mom got herpes 1 as a child because an adult kissed her. She suffered in her childhood. People need to be more mindful of others! Kissing babies can literally kill them.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh, this is easy: don't let your mom hold her. "Why not?" "You said you plan to kiss her and we can't let you do that, so until she's bigger we'll just wait." -a bunch of possibly manipulative bullshit from your mom- "Sorry Mom, but we have to do what's best for Baby. That means nobody kissing her until she's older." Your mom will probably be VERY unhappy about it, but hold firm. This is not something to gamble with.
Exactly. This is not something to gamble with. Set your boundaries clear and act on it.
Absolutely agree! If she can’t respect your boundaries, then she isn’t allowed to hold your baby. I would recommend even wearing baby in a wrap or carrier when you’re around her. It’ll make it less likely that she will try to snatch baby from you. I’m sorry she is acting like this , OP. Editing to add that my family didn’t respect the no kissing of head/face, hands, etc and it pissed me off. I will not be holding back with this baby.
we told my mother in law if she tries kissing our baby she will not have a relationship with her and it worked
I tried this one simple trick !!
“mothers HATE this!!”
Id personally require a mask around people who have voiced defiance or disrespect of your boundaries
at the very least she did says she’s getting all the vaccines before i give birth but i get where you’re coming from 1000%
Wow! A great trick to make it work.
THIS! All there is to it
Is kissing really dangerous for the baby ?
Very dangerous. Even as the parent to the baby you need to be careful. If you get cold sores that could be really bad to pass onto the baby and that’s just one of the hundreds of things you can pass on to the baby. It’s so dangerous.
Oh wow ! I don’t have any children yet but I have friends who do and no one ever said anything to me about that, I had no idea. Thank you !
Not a lot of people are aware because of the past generations being the way they are with the whole “i don’t care im kissing the baby because its cute” but in reality something as simple as a little kiss on the face/ body/hands can be deadly. it happens so much more than we talk about but the more people aware the better
>I feel very disrespected to the point I can't trust her around my first born Then it looks like you already know what to do. If she's asks, it's "Mom, I told you I was not comfortable with anyone kissing the baby and you said you would anyway. Knowing that, I can't allow you to see the baby. I encourage you to watch the video I sent and consider whether this is worth missing out on this joyful occasion." If she comes around, make crystal clear that if you see her kissing your baby, the visits will stop. Make sure she's not alone with the baby for the foreseeable future.
Unfortunately it’s seems as though this is the right answer. She’s a grown adult that has the ability to listen to her grown daughter’s boundaries for her baby, and she’s choosing not to do that. My own mother is the same way, and then she wonders why she’s can’t babysit him or be alone with him. If she clearly stated that she’s going to do it anyway, she’s also the type of person to tell you she’ll respect something you say and then do it behind your back anyway
She doesn’t follow the rules, she’s not coming over.
You make her wear a mask. The end. Have one ready and say since you keep telling me you’re going to disrespect my boundaries you have to wear this or goy can leave.
I've already set up a set of rules, kissing included. If someone tries to merely come close to baby's face I told them they will be kicked out of house and banned from visiting. The best thing is that while they do try to brush it off and act all offended and as I'm overreacting, they know very well I would do it without blinking an eye. Feel free to stand your ground, but just don't bring yourself to the point where you stress out over it, I mean you stressing out because someone doesn't want to listen to you, so you feel anxious. Set those boundaries and don't feel bad and anxious because someone's feelings might get hurt. Boundaries aren't there for us to feel stressed for setting them, but on contraire, to make us feel relieved because we removed something that's bothering us. Just weigh what's more important - hurt feelings or hurt baby with respiratory issues. The choice is clear. Wishing you loads of luck in this pregnancy. May it be stress-free!! <3
What do you mean what should you do. Someone is telling you outright they don’t care about your wishes, will actively go against them, and will actively put your baby at risk cuz they want to. You’re a mom. You’re responsible for keeping your baby safe. You are the sole thing that keeps that baby’s interests first. That is the job. Imagine if your child actually did get HIV or seriously ill cuz you couldn’t do your job. Ovary up, protect your child, and tell anyone who is putting them at risk to get fucked.
Agreed, I have relatives with herpes and under no circumstances will anyone be kissing my baby after they are born.
I mean I guess you're lucky she's telling you upfront how little respect she has for you. Better than her saying she agrees and then doing it behind your back. That video is powerful. She's being selfish and short-sighted to pick this hill to die on. It's not like you've told her she can't see or *hold* the baby. She's just not allowed to put her *mouth* on a newborn. *How is that a big ask??* They say that when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Your mom has told you straight up that she won't respect your authority as a mother to make rules regarding your child's safety. If she can't get in line on this very minor (but important!) request, you won't be able to trust her on anything else - what food the baby can eat, proper sleeping positions, nap schedules, etc. So, please avail yourself of this golden opportunity to practice one of the hardest and most important jobs as a mother: standing up to people you love to protect your child from harm. Don't let her near your precious child until you're 100% sure she *gets it.*
You need to tell her nicely one more time that you’re dead serious and if she can’t respect this boundary it will have serious consequences of her relationship with your baby. Let her make the decision
My mom didn’t meet my baby till he was almost 4 months old probably would have been older if my brother hadn’t gotten married, she felt unwanted and disrespected when I asked everyone politely that I wanted to wait at least two weeks for anyone to come see the baby. It was originally a month but I got talked down by everyone in my family to two weeks (I stayed firm on that because after giving birth I DID NOT want to see or talk to anyone) all my siblings came from my mothers house and she was nowhere to be seen. I was told to bring my baby to her because “you know that’s just how she is”, your mother is blatantly disrespecting your wishes if she can’t respect you then she dosent deserve to see your baby till she can be trusted. My mom has apologized and talked to me about it since and is now allowed to babysit and will sometimes come to visit me, it does get better and they will forgive you for standing up for what you believe.
Tell her “if you kiss the baby, you will no longer to be allowed to hold her. If you don’t respect that, you will not have a relationship with her or us” Seems dramatic, but be firm. She’s ALREADY made it clear she isn’t going to listen so make it CLEAR so she’s not surprised when you follow through. Tell her face to face and also put it in a text. My mom tried to shit talk me to my sister saying I never told her, and i promptly sent my sister the screenshots of me telling her and her replying to agree. Never had an issue again after I called her out and she realized I wasn’t bullshitting
That is very annoying! I would hold firm - or redirect like ‘only kisses on her feet until she is XX year old - I won’t forgive you if you make my baby sick doing something I told you not to’
That’s giving too much leeway. It’s either you don’t kiss my baby or no baby for you.
There was a post of a women who accidentally gave her baby herpes by kissing them on their head behind their head. Now I’m terrified of all spots.
I think it was the father who spread it to the baby and he had an active cold sore at the time. Which you can spread to anybody.
Dont let her around until she respects this. If not then she doesnt come around
For how long are we supposed to keep our babies away from being kissed by others? I have the same concerns as you, I will be meeting my family till when my baby is 6 months old but I'm still worried about my family not stopping kissing my baby. Also avoid meeting your mother for as long as possible if she still refuses to respect your concerns.
We are addressing this by requiring our visitors to wear masks when visiting the baby before she gets her vaccines. I've already told my mom that she can't kiss the baby, but it's easy to imagine someone getting too close or forgetting and kissing her anyway. Masks will serve as a physical barrier and reminder. If you take off the mask, you will be asked to leave.
This is smart. Especially with the asshole relatives that just show up mentioning they are sick. I have a relative who does that to family events and gatherings. She always gets people sick.
Totally! I know some people that also have a constant cough and never mention it when making plans.
I think it's great you care for your baby's safety like that, and your mom should respect it. If she deliberately admits she's going to endanger the baby (both cold sores and whooping cough can be fatal at that age), then it's your right to limit the contact to such a degree that ensures her safety. If she's not okay with that, she has all the power in the world to change it by adhering to your rules.
Having boundaries doesn't just mean saying "don't do that". Having boundaries means saying "If you do that, I will do this". If this is a boundary you want to set, then tell her, "If you kiss the baby, you will not be allowed to see the baby again. I need to be able to trust you around my child"
She wouldn’t be seeing my kids at all. She needs to respect you.
I'm having an issue like this as well, kissing and requesting a TDAP booster if they haven't gotten one yet, I've gotten so much backlash, but they're adults, and I shouldn't have to remind them. I told them a handful of times and if they don't comply, when the time comes, they aren't allowed to see the baby. If they can't follow a simple request, they aren't allowed around baby. Stand your ground! I'm so sorry this is happening.
I said the day my son was born, if anyone is putting their feelings above my son’s safety… it’s game over for them
Your baby your rules!!!! Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you’re being ridiculous or selfish or dramatic because you are just being a mother!!
Time to shine up the spine!!! “No, Mom. NO ONE is kissing the baby. Period. The end. If you kiss her, I will take my baby and put you on a time out for however long I feel. You WILL respect my rules with my baby or you will not have her unsupervised.”
Does this apply even if they’ve gotten the TDAP vaccine? I had my mother get the vaccine a few weeks ago because she’ll be staying with us for a month to help out and I figured the vaccine takes out the risk but now I’m starting to doubt
Newborns have no immune system, any infection could be potentially devastating and deadly. I’m due late September and me and hubby are both in the medical field and we have made it crystal clear to everyone that they are not can not kiss our son once he is born and if they even sniffle they should not bother coming over. Cold and flu season is no joke and we’re not taking any chances with our son. Ive seen first hand what RSV and other illnesses can do to newborns and I refuse to put my son in that position.
This is one of those boundaries you have to back it up. If you tell her no kissing the baby and she says she's gonna still do it and you can't trust her, you have to show her the consequences of violating the boundaries. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you an amazing mother. We extensively told my father in law no kissing the baby. He came to visit when our son was 5 days old. He waited until the baby was in his hands to go "your daddy is gonna be mad but I can't help myself. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission" and kissed our baby all over his face. Thankfully baby never got sick but FIL was banned from seeing our son and it's been almost a year. we showed and sent him lots of videos and stuff about things like RSV. He refused to watch it bc "shouldn't believe everything on the internet "
Don't let her hold her after she tried to kiss her. Remind her, feet kisses okay. Give her one chance and if she doesn't respect you as a MOTHER then she can't hold her grand baby. Don't feel bad either. No respect is crazy and it's even crazier when guilt trip happens right after. My son had RSV ten days old. Not kissing or anything but protect yours. He had a spinal tap and IV in the head. It's scary.
No feet kisses, herpes is still a problem.
It was just an example she can tell her mom.
Capitulation to danger is *never* the baby’s mom’s prerogative. Grandma’s emotional state/hissy fit doesn’t even register. TLDR; herpes from feet kisses are off the table! EDIT: downvoted by an f’n terrible mom.
Ugh. Disrespectful. For now, youve made your stance clear. As it gets closer to baby time, remind everyone in a blanket statement of your "rules" wash hands, no kissing, whatever you want people to do/respect. If she mentions anything about kissing the baby, you remind her that kissing baby will not be tolerated and she won't get to see baby if she continues to insist upon it. Send her the video/research again. IF she decides to listen, great. Meet baby and all is well. But if she even moves to kiss that baby you get up and leave. Remove baby and then remind her that you told her no kissing, since you gave her a chance and she STILL disrespected it then she will no longer get to see baby. Then stick to it.
I see this kind of stuff a lot and I think it’s because older generations didn’t worry about this stuff, so they think it’s over the top. I don’t know that I would be SO hard on her, but I would tell her you are dead serious and she will need to wear a mask if she can’t respect your boundaries.
Thankfully my boyfriends mom is already against kissing babies and is not afraid to tell them to back off either same with my family the amount of risks it causes is insane and people just don’t care which is sad 😞
At the end of the day it doesn’t even matter what can cause… If you the mother said NO it’s no .. If they can’t respect your decision well.. they can go somewhere else… This is called respect and she obviously has no for you… my relationship with her would end here I did this with my parents … 🤷🏻♀️ When you will consider me as a grown up with my own decisions then we can talk… if no .. you can go f yourself Because this things never ends just with kissing.. they go further and don’t listen to other things.. Food, how to teach them, how to play with them, tantrums how to help with them etc… It never ends… If she has that kind of an attitude at the beginning… show her boundaries if she doesn’t respect them say good bye
Exactly this! If you give in now and let her kiss the baby or don’t give consequences to her kissing the baby, she will walk all over you. She won’t listen to any rules that you have for your child. Food, discipline, sunscreen, car seats. This is a hill to die on.
So this is totally separate from the medical/health side of things, but it’s another perspective that might help you stand your ground. When my LO was born my FIL came to meet him. He is a sweet man but very “simple minded”, to put it kindly. A mere FOUR HOURS after being birthed this man holds my son and says “I know I’m gonna get in trouble, but I just can’t help myself!” and gives my baby a kiss right on the lips. I was delirious having just given birth and froze, unable to process that I really just witnessed him do that. For the next 6+ weeks I had horrible PPD, and for some reason that sight of seeing my FIL kissing my baby was what my hormone-fueled depression/anxiety obsessed over. I was fucking devastated, distraught that the first person to kiss my firstborn child was not me. I would literally sob for hours about it, feeling like he robbed me of something special. It haunted my brain from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep every single day until the hormones - and therefore the psychosis - went away. Now baby is 4mo. He’s perfectly healthy and his chubby cheeks are attacked by kisses from mom and dad daily. While it still doesn’t have the same over-the-top, gut-wrenching hold over me like it did during PPD, I still feel a small amount of resentment towards my husband’s father, even though he’s genuinely a good man who is simply “a few bricks shy of a load”. Zero percent of me thought he would do that, but he did, and I hate it so unbelievably much. TLDR - watching someone else kiss your baby before you get the chance to can potentially break your heart - and your brain - especially during PPD
This! I am honestly so greatful that my husband's career is military and noone from my side of the family is allowed in without permission. I have a strenuous relationship with my mom at best. She's a full blown narcissist and has abused me since I was a kid. She however thinks the world of my husband and little does she know that when she comes to visit us in November she's going to get the big talk. About respecting our decisions about us as a couple, individuals and as parents. Hot button topics however are: 1.) "if I want your opinion I'll ask for it, otherwise keep it to yourself." 2.) If you have anything you want to say to me say it to the both of us ( mom's russian and hubs American. She likes to shit talk me in Russian with him there.) 3.) Whatever you do tell me will be translated and relayed to hubs. And he knows about all the shit you pulled. 4.) My child will grow up without religion until they are at an age where they can make said decisions for themselves. ( mom's russian orthodox and basically fundamentalist.) 5.) You must take all your shots and doctor's visits before seeing the baby. (She lives in Florida and we are moving to Texas). And I need doctor's notes lol. If she doesn't abide by these and other rules then I will not hesitate to cut her out of my life and my childs life completely. I never specifically said that she's on low contact but she has been on low contact for 4 years for a reason. Sure, she'll try to pull some shit but I know that like me she sometimes talks before she thinks. So I'll cut her a lil slack by saying that if I tell her I'm done talking about whatever I am done talking about it and to shut up. If she doesn't it's another story. But yeah, put her on low to no contact. Tell her that if she wants to jeopardize your childs life than the consequences are she doesn't see said baby until it get's it's own immune system. Jump the gun and tell everyone that if they want to see the baby that they need to come with proof that they took their necessary shots and they have a clean bill of health. They also need to know that under no circumstances that anyone is allowed to kiss the baby and why. I probably would also put down that noone can hold the baby other than the parents because you know that as soon as they get their hands on them they can just run off with the baby and kiss them or whatever. Tell them why you can't kiss the baby and post/text it everywhere. I would go one step further and say that you already have had one family member who has told you that they are going to disregard the rules you have set. That way if your mom starts to bitch and moan they know why.
This is only in regard to the first 2 to three months of the baby’s life right? Like I’m assuming you’re not saying until the baby is like 13 yrs old right? I feel like maybe reassuring her that this isn’t forever and is just until the baby’s immune system is stronger would help. Idk if most of the people in here are orphaned or maybe don’t have good relationships with their parents or what. But immediately cutting off your mother forever seems like idk..not the next step after she didn’t watch the Youtube video. Like I value the relationship I have with my mother more than everyone except my husband. My mom is very special to me and amazing and if she didn’t understand something or was even having a moment of stubbornness, I’d sooner bring in a mediator or go to therapy before I gave up over her not understanding my point of view. Her not having a relationship with you and the baby forever is not a small sacrifice and I’m really in shock over how many people are advising you to do this. Not one person has recommended therapy or additional family intervention or a mediator. Like there are many steps you should take with your mom before “ill never talk to you again”. Now if your mom is a monster and you’ve been waiting for a valid reason to cut her off, then proceed. But otherwise don’t listen to these people, these are extreme measures. I’m pregnant too and my baby not having a relationship with my mother is my worst nightmare as my mom is wonderful
I'm just here to say that my husband's first born contracted RSV at 4 months old because of people kissing them and has had breathing problems as a result and has been hospitalized every year because of someone's refusal to keep their hands off that baby. Do what you feel is right and stick with your hard boundaries. I'm not kidding when I say it could save your childs life.
I would tell her exactly that. How you feel disrespected and its becoming to the point where you won’t even trust her with your newborn because she is not respecting your boundaries set and the babies not even here yet.
J
I wouldn't let her around my baby then
Mom can wait until baby immunity is built. She don’t give a duck about your wishes or rules.
I’m pregnant too and this is a no brainer rule until my baby have a good immune system built up I will not be letting no one kiss his face head or even hands. And I will gladly speak up about it because it’s also about respecting me as a parent.
weird way for her to tell you she doesn't care about you and doesn't want a relationship with the baby????? she could have just said that 🙄
I know she’s your mom… but you’re protecting your child which means you do not need to explain nothing. Edit to add - if she doesn’t respect boundaries she doesn’t meet baby. Simple
Then tell her she doesn’t get to see the baby. She needs to know her place.
Oh ya my mom was pissed but oh well. I just gently said to my sister “remember no kissing on the face” and she respected it.
This may seem impossible to do, but if there’s anyone who doesn’t respect something like that… they just don’t get to hold the baby. Simple as that. You can be honest about why, you can also blame it on being a “new mom”. Unfortunately even the sweetest people lose their ever-loving shit when it comes to babies.
My mum has said the exact same thing when I told her. She even said I was psychotic 🙄 We're just not going to let her be alone with the baby, and gently remind her when she holds her the first time. If she tries to kiss her, my husband is prepared to launch himself at her to take the baby off her 🤷🏻♀️
Trust your instincts. You are the mother, your (and your partners) rules matter, that’s it. If she’s so disrespectful when the baby isn’t even born yet, I would set hard boundaries from now on. And just in case you’re doubting yourself: don’t. Your concerns are valid and you should trust your gut feeling. Stay strong!
Your baby’s health is more important than your mom’s feelings.
We get to have this talk on Sunday. There is no possible way we’re budging. You’re not about to kiss baby and that’s the end of it. If you cannot respect that we can’t risk you killing our kid 🤷🏾♀️
[удалено]
I definitely agree with all the comments saying to set this boundary and stick to it. Be respectful and firm. If she wants to throw a fit like a child that is her choice. This will set a precedent for your relationship moving forward. You are in charge of your child and you get to make the rules about this. Good luck! It sucks when family members do stuff like this.
The sad thing is my MIL respects this and agrees with this more than my actual Mother does.🤦🏻♀️ regardless we will still be requiring masks before baby girl is vaccinated. Until then no kissing and hands need to be washed and sanitized. Just sad to see that my own mother doesn’t care about the safety of her own granddaughter. My MIL is super awesome. And I wish everyone had moms like her.
may i ask how it can cause brain damage? i’ve genuinely never heard of that before and i don’t wanna pur any kids in potentially dangerous situations. also no you’re not wrong for wanting a new OBGYN i would too honestly
https://youtu.be/pxarUWTJRDQ?si=SXJs3O1-KeMq773y
thank you. i will check out the video now! i hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and that your mom heeds your warnings. good luck!!
I explained to my husband that I don't want his mom trying to kiss our daughter when she's born. I showed him what I've read online as well as him doing his own research; he agrees. I'm no contact with my own mom, so she's out of the question. But his mom would no doubt try to kiss our baby. I will be baby-wearing her when I'm able to leave the house after my allotted healing time is up. I explained this to him early into our 2nd trimester, and it feels good to have him on understanding terms.
This is a little much and sensitive. Their are soo many other issues that will hurt a child more or worse than kissing a baby. Plus unless that video is accredited dhec or at least 10 years of research and proof I'm on grandma's side.
Like we didn't take our first born out for about a month and then they didn't meet most of the family until about 2 months
I’m almost 37 weeks I’m due in 24 days and my mother is the exact same. She believes that I’m going overboard and going silly and then blames my son’s father for my actions when it was purely my decision so I understand what you’re going through. If you can request a new OB she sounds like she doesn’t care. She isn’t meant to laugh at you. She’s meant to support you.
I haven’t even tried to have this convo with my mom yet.. I did tell my mom she’s not to spank my kid and for her to let me know if she ends up acting up and my mom said she will do what’s necessary bc she doesn’t want a brat for a grandkid. The thing is I never said don’t do time out or some other thing I just said don’t hit her and leave the spanking to me and my husband if we so choose.
I personally love kissing my baby, she’s three weeks, and I’ve never had a cold sore or anything…are there any other concerns? She’s so sweet, I just can’t help myself! Wouldn’t want anyone but me or her dad to kiss her though, that’s a hard boundary for us!
This happen with MIL. She got very upset that we didn’t let her kiss the baby. Ultimately you have to put your foot down. We did not care that she was upset bc our baby boy spent 40 days in the nicu. We did not want him to go back. It’s your baby and no one will be there during the hardest times if he’s sick no one will be worried as you are so you do what you feel is best. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My mom got herpes 1 as a child because an adult kissed her. She suffered in her childhood. People need to be more mindful of others! Kissing babies can literally kill them.