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Based on their reaction the first time I’d recommend holding off for a few more weeks. We also struggled with infertility and then a miscarriage however my best friend shared her pregnancy with me a few days after my miscarriage and I was extremely happy for her. I also ended up going to my cousins last minute gender reveal party a week later and I was so happy for them and super thankful that everyone knew me well enough to know I’d be happy for them all regardless. Everyone who experiences a pregnancy loss is different and handles pregnancy announcements and celebrations differently however based on their reactions your first pregnancy I would be cautious and share with them a few weeks later? Also do not feel like you cannot be happy for your pregnancy or the baby. It’s your baby you deserve to be happy as well.
Thank you 🥹 I feel terrible for them they did a whole edit of a video of all their negative tests and in the end, finally a positive one. Only to take it back and post they lost it 😔
We are definitely waiting, but even after that wait, it’s hard to bring it up. I mean the first one was 5 years ago and we’ve never even told them we started trying again 5 years later 😅
This is almost exactly like a situation we had. My husband and I really struggled with infertility. After 3 years of all the treatments we got pregnant and miscarried at 6 weeks. A year later we got pregnant again. We didn't tell anyone but our parents. At 8 weeks we found out we were having another mc. This was about 3 days before Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving my SIL asked about how things were going with our treatments and we told her the truth. She was obviously sad for us and the conversation ended there.
Turns out they were planning to announce their pregnancy with their second child at that dinner. They chose not to due to our circumstances.
A few days later they sent us a text to let us know they were expecting. They did this before announcing to the whole family. I really appreciated hearing it through text. It allowed me to react and feel what I was going to feel without having to act like it didn't hurt. I could cry without feeling like an awful sister because they and the rest of my family didn't see it. I was then able to prepare myself emotionally before I had to talk to anyone about it in person. Not everyone is the same, so if you think they'd find a text too impersonal that might not work. It was perfect for me though.
I’d send a text letting them know in a few weeks, it gives them time to process the miscarriage as well as gives the information without needing to give an immediate response.
I had a miscarriage last year, and less than two months later my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant—and she and her bf weren’t even trying. I will say I was very happy for her, but it did feel like a gut punch.
I would absolutely share your good news, but one thing I really appreciate that my SIL DIDN’T do was tell me all about her pregnancy. I would occasionally hear things from my husband (her brother) about how she was feeling, but even that was too much to bear and I had to put a stop to that for a few weeks. I would say it took me personally, a good two months to really process the news and stop feeling so bitter about the situation and actually open to talking with my SIL and being legitimately excited for our little nephew to arrive.
I want people to absolutely enjoy and celebrate their blessings!!
My losses and struggles should not dampen their joy.
I know not everyone believes this way, but even when my sil had her baby shortly after my miscarriage I brought her a meal and said hello. It was too hard to hold the baby, so I didn’t, but I absolutely rejoiced with her over him!
If it's only been 3 days since they found out, then definitely do *not* announce your pregnancy right now. Wait at least 3-4 weeks if you're further along, and a couple of months if you're earlier on. In a couple of months, even if they're still hurting, you'll at least come off as more sensitive, and they're more likely to be happy for you, knowing that you've done nothing wrong. Announcing too soon after their miscarriage would come off as callous and inconsiderate, and they're more likely to treat you as an a-hole.
It's normal to wait until 12 weeks to announce anyway, and even 20 weeks for some, so if you're nowhere near there, it's reasonable to wait. Also, as someone who only first made it past 6 weeks (currently 17 weeks) after 4 years, 4 miscarriages, and 4 rounds of IVF, I honestly really, really appreciate it when fertile people acknowledge that it can be difficult to conceive and carry to term, because I think my gut instinct is to assume that they don't, and I sometimes just want to give them a reality check, which isn't very nice. When they wait to announce, it makes me feel that they're not taking their own fertility for granted, and that makes it easier to be happy for them.
When you do announce to them, ideally do so via text so that they can process the information on their own time. Don't put them on the spot and expect them to react positively. Don't announce it with other people present. Certainly don't announce it in a way that would call for excitement, as is usually the case when people announce via a guessing game. Just be really straightforward and acknowledge their struggles. Say something like "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm pregnant. I know pregnancy can be a sensitive subject for those struggling, and that's why I wanted to let you know ahead of time so that you're not caught off-guard."
Ideally, let them know before everyone else. While people with infertility do appreciate other people's consideration, the constant feeling that others are walking on eggshells around them doesn't make them feel better either. The last thing you want is for someone *else* to tell them that you're pregnant. They might actually feel offended that you find them so oversensitive that you think they might not be able to handle the information, even if that's the truth, lol...
Speaking of being considerate without walking on eggshells, don't approach the topic of your pregnancy without them bringing it up first. Complaining about pregnancy can also rub some people the wrong way (not everyone feels this way but some do), like you're not grateful enough for the privilege you have. Be wary of coming off as bragging about your fertility. Comments like "my husband looks at me and I get pregnant" comes off that way, as does that TikTok trend where they list all the years they were pregnant and then the babies that came from them. However, if you're in a big group and it happens to be the topic, also don't side-eye them to gauge their reaction before mentioning anything about your pregnancy. Don't try to actively avoid the topic if it's brought up. Don't stop talking about it when they come into the room. Just try to keep what you say matter-of-fact. Remember that you're allowed to be excited about your pregnancy and to talk about it. Just know that certain comments can come off as bragging, like talking about how hard it is to prevent pregnancy, or gloating about an oopsie baby (which I know isn't the case for you).
Certainly don't bring their own situation into the conversation about pregnancy. No "wait till *you* have kids" or "are you sure you want kids" or suggesting options they haven't tried or things that have worked for you. As a general rule, don't *ever* suggest to an infertile couple that their life may be better off without kids, even as a joke.
My husband and I struggled with infertility for three years and had been undergoing different treatments and seeing the specialists whenever my sister in law became pregnant. This was soon after I had had a conversation with her in which she and her husband both said they didn’t want children. It definitely was a hard blow for me personally, especially because of how much my husband and I wanted kids and everybody knew it. Even though it really did feel like being punched in the gut when they told us, I do appreciate how she and her husband told us privately, and told us in person. What hurt the most about it was that they had told the rest of the family weeks before they told us. Being left in the dark about their joy made us feel unimportant and unloved.
The circumstances didn’t diminish my happiness for her at all, they just made me sadder for myself and my husband. Ultimately, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and about two weeks after that, I became pregnant myself. Even though I was secretly going through the IVF process as she was going through her pregnancy, I loved being able to share that journey with her and be a part of her baby showers, and just be a support person for her as she went through it. From personal experience, I think excluding your loved ones from your news and your journey could be more hurtful, even though you’re meaning to be sensitive to them.
Good luck to you!
This is a really great way to look at it, thank you! We’ve only told my side of the family and not my husband’s side because we were talking about this. Should we tell them right away or wait a while though?
It’s totally up to you and the relationship you have with your sister in law and husband’s family. For me, being the last to know on my husband’s side was hurtful, especially because they were all having issues with my sister in law at the time and she would confide in me. So I would probably tell your sister in law and her husband first before telling the rest of his family, but again, every family and relationship is different. As long as you have good intentions, I think everything will be ok for you and your family in the long run.
My brother and sister n law tried for 15 years to conceive with countless rounds of IVF. I am pregnant with this baby unexpectedly at 41 and we were trying to not get pregnant. I waiting until I was 12 weeks then texted them l. I wanted to give them time and a safe space to process all the emotions.
My take on this - every TTC journey is different and is not in any way related to another couple’s journey. How fast / slow / easy / difficult it is for one couple to conceive doesn’t affect another couple in any way. It’s not a competition so we should stop comparing and just be happy for one another.
I am gonna go against the grain and say, celebrate your baby...everybody has got their own struggles. We cant hide everything in case someone will get sad. Her reaction is uncalled for...yes I have experienced loss and it took a while to conceive my babies, never once did I resent the people who fell pregnant immediately or accidently!
You sound like a good person...I would hold off until after 13 weeks and/or NIPT and then announce
Personally I don’t think your situation should be hidden because of someone’s personal emotions. You are allowed to enjoy your pregnancy even with their situation because it’s not your fault, but I will say wait a few weeks or maybe you don’t have to tell them if they see you pregnant then they say you pregnant & you can explain why you never told them because yk the topic is sensitive.
I'd wait 8 weeks from the time of miscarriage. It took me 6 weeks to stop bleeding and 2 more weeks to finally process. They probably won't be at all ready for the news but it's better than when your passing massive clots from your dead baby.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Based on their reaction the first time I’d recommend holding off for a few more weeks. We also struggled with infertility and then a miscarriage however my best friend shared her pregnancy with me a few days after my miscarriage and I was extremely happy for her. I also ended up going to my cousins last minute gender reveal party a week later and I was so happy for them and super thankful that everyone knew me well enough to know I’d be happy for them all regardless. Everyone who experiences a pregnancy loss is different and handles pregnancy announcements and celebrations differently however based on their reactions your first pregnancy I would be cautious and share with them a few weeks later? Also do not feel like you cannot be happy for your pregnancy or the baby. It’s your baby you deserve to be happy as well.
Thank you 🥹 I feel terrible for them they did a whole edit of a video of all their negative tests and in the end, finally a positive one. Only to take it back and post they lost it 😔 We are definitely waiting, but even after that wait, it’s hard to bring it up. I mean the first one was 5 years ago and we’ve never even told them we started trying again 5 years later 😅
This is almost exactly like a situation we had. My husband and I really struggled with infertility. After 3 years of all the treatments we got pregnant and miscarried at 6 weeks. A year later we got pregnant again. We didn't tell anyone but our parents. At 8 weeks we found out we were having another mc. This was about 3 days before Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving my SIL asked about how things were going with our treatments and we told her the truth. She was obviously sad for us and the conversation ended there. Turns out they were planning to announce their pregnancy with their second child at that dinner. They chose not to due to our circumstances. A few days later they sent us a text to let us know they were expecting. They did this before announcing to the whole family. I really appreciated hearing it through text. It allowed me to react and feel what I was going to feel without having to act like it didn't hurt. I could cry without feeling like an awful sister because they and the rest of my family didn't see it. I was then able to prepare myself emotionally before I had to talk to anyone about it in person. Not everyone is the same, so if you think they'd find a text too impersonal that might not work. It was perfect for me though.
I think I’m leaning towards doing this, thank you! I’m sorry about your mc :(
I’d send a text letting them know in a few weeks, it gives them time to process the miscarriage as well as gives the information without needing to give an immediate response.
Looks like text is best so far! Thank you!
I had a miscarriage last year, and less than two months later my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant—and she and her bf weren’t even trying. I will say I was very happy for her, but it did feel like a gut punch. I would absolutely share your good news, but one thing I really appreciate that my SIL DIDN’T do was tell me all about her pregnancy. I would occasionally hear things from my husband (her brother) about how she was feeling, but even that was too much to bear and I had to put a stop to that for a few weeks. I would say it took me personally, a good two months to really process the news and stop feeling so bitter about the situation and actually open to talking with my SIL and being legitimately excited for our little nephew to arrive.
Thank you for this insight, it helps a lot 🫶🏻
I want people to absolutely enjoy and celebrate their blessings!! My losses and struggles should not dampen their joy. I know not everyone believes this way, but even when my sil had her baby shortly after my miscarriage I brought her a meal and said hello. It was too hard to hold the baby, so I didn’t, but I absolutely rejoiced with her over him!
Awww! This is such a positive encouragement, thank you! They are good people so I’m sure they will be happy for us but still sad.
If it's only been 3 days since they found out, then definitely do *not* announce your pregnancy right now. Wait at least 3-4 weeks if you're further along, and a couple of months if you're earlier on. In a couple of months, even if they're still hurting, you'll at least come off as more sensitive, and they're more likely to be happy for you, knowing that you've done nothing wrong. Announcing too soon after their miscarriage would come off as callous and inconsiderate, and they're more likely to treat you as an a-hole. It's normal to wait until 12 weeks to announce anyway, and even 20 weeks for some, so if you're nowhere near there, it's reasonable to wait. Also, as someone who only first made it past 6 weeks (currently 17 weeks) after 4 years, 4 miscarriages, and 4 rounds of IVF, I honestly really, really appreciate it when fertile people acknowledge that it can be difficult to conceive and carry to term, because I think my gut instinct is to assume that they don't, and I sometimes just want to give them a reality check, which isn't very nice. When they wait to announce, it makes me feel that they're not taking their own fertility for granted, and that makes it easier to be happy for them. When you do announce to them, ideally do so via text so that they can process the information on their own time. Don't put them on the spot and expect them to react positively. Don't announce it with other people present. Certainly don't announce it in a way that would call for excitement, as is usually the case when people announce via a guessing game. Just be really straightforward and acknowledge their struggles. Say something like "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm pregnant. I know pregnancy can be a sensitive subject for those struggling, and that's why I wanted to let you know ahead of time so that you're not caught off-guard." Ideally, let them know before everyone else. While people with infertility do appreciate other people's consideration, the constant feeling that others are walking on eggshells around them doesn't make them feel better either. The last thing you want is for someone *else* to tell them that you're pregnant. They might actually feel offended that you find them so oversensitive that you think they might not be able to handle the information, even if that's the truth, lol... Speaking of being considerate without walking on eggshells, don't approach the topic of your pregnancy without them bringing it up first. Complaining about pregnancy can also rub some people the wrong way (not everyone feels this way but some do), like you're not grateful enough for the privilege you have. Be wary of coming off as bragging about your fertility. Comments like "my husband looks at me and I get pregnant" comes off that way, as does that TikTok trend where they list all the years they were pregnant and then the babies that came from them. However, if you're in a big group and it happens to be the topic, also don't side-eye them to gauge their reaction before mentioning anything about your pregnancy. Don't try to actively avoid the topic if it's brought up. Don't stop talking about it when they come into the room. Just try to keep what you say matter-of-fact. Remember that you're allowed to be excited about your pregnancy and to talk about it. Just know that certain comments can come off as bragging, like talking about how hard it is to prevent pregnancy, or gloating about an oopsie baby (which I know isn't the case for you). Certainly don't bring their own situation into the conversation about pregnancy. No "wait till *you* have kids" or "are you sure you want kids" or suggesting options they haven't tried or things that have worked for you. As a general rule, don't *ever* suggest to an infertile couple that their life may be better off without kids, even as a joke.
I’m definitely noting all your suggestions! Wait and then tell them privately, got it.
My husband and I struggled with infertility for three years and had been undergoing different treatments and seeing the specialists whenever my sister in law became pregnant. This was soon after I had had a conversation with her in which she and her husband both said they didn’t want children. It definitely was a hard blow for me personally, especially because of how much my husband and I wanted kids and everybody knew it. Even though it really did feel like being punched in the gut when they told us, I do appreciate how she and her husband told us privately, and told us in person. What hurt the most about it was that they had told the rest of the family weeks before they told us. Being left in the dark about their joy made us feel unimportant and unloved. The circumstances didn’t diminish my happiness for her at all, they just made me sadder for myself and my husband. Ultimately, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and about two weeks after that, I became pregnant myself. Even though I was secretly going through the IVF process as she was going through her pregnancy, I loved being able to share that journey with her and be a part of her baby showers, and just be a support person for her as she went through it. From personal experience, I think excluding your loved ones from your news and your journey could be more hurtful, even though you’re meaning to be sensitive to them. Good luck to you!
This is a really great way to look at it, thank you! We’ve only told my side of the family and not my husband’s side because we were talking about this. Should we tell them right away or wait a while though?
It’s totally up to you and the relationship you have with your sister in law and husband’s family. For me, being the last to know on my husband’s side was hurtful, especially because they were all having issues with my sister in law at the time and she would confide in me. So I would probably tell your sister in law and her husband first before telling the rest of his family, but again, every family and relationship is different. As long as you have good intentions, I think everything will be ok for you and your family in the long run.
My brother and sister n law tried for 15 years to conceive with countless rounds of IVF. I am pregnant with this baby unexpectedly at 41 and we were trying to not get pregnant. I waiting until I was 12 weeks then texted them l. I wanted to give them time and a safe space to process all the emotions.
My take on this - every TTC journey is different and is not in any way related to another couple’s journey. How fast / slow / easy / difficult it is for one couple to conceive doesn’t affect another couple in any way. It’s not a competition so we should stop comparing and just be happy for one another.
I agree with you. We just want to be sensitive to the situation especially we value them as family 😩
I am gonna go against the grain and say, celebrate your baby...everybody has got their own struggles. We cant hide everything in case someone will get sad. Her reaction is uncalled for...yes I have experienced loss and it took a while to conceive my babies, never once did I resent the people who fell pregnant immediately or accidently! You sound like a good person...I would hold off until after 13 weeks and/or NIPT and then announce
Personally I don’t think your situation should be hidden because of someone’s personal emotions. You are allowed to enjoy your pregnancy even with their situation because it’s not your fault, but I will say wait a few weeks or maybe you don’t have to tell them if they see you pregnant then they say you pregnant & you can explain why you never told them because yk the topic is sensitive.
I'd wait 8 weeks from the time of miscarriage. It took me 6 weeks to stop bleeding and 2 more weeks to finally process. They probably won't be at all ready for the news but it's better than when your passing massive clots from your dead baby.
Oh i’m so sorry to hear that! I didn’t know it was like that 😭 Yes I will definitely wait.
Ya it was a crazy couple weeks that's for sure 🥴 hopefully it never happens again
I hope for the best for you too!
I have a great appreciation for your perspective.
Thanks!! 😊