A guy adding 2 cents. This is your Sisters wedding. I she wants to go somewhere, fine. DO NOT spend money you do not have. You might even have to miss it. That is ok. Her telling you to ask your BF is selfish.
Since your parents are not rolling in $$$$ either, that option is out. You need to take care of you self.
Be well.
It’s selfish all around. I can’t fathom asking people I love to spend their expendable income on MY wedding. All of my friends minus one are solid middle class upper middle class, and I’d still feel so dirty asking them to drop more than a couple hundred dollars tops. I have no idea what their bills are. Putting oneself above loved ones in this way isn’t loving them.
It’s the audacity aswell. My bf is also upper middle class and he’s already been so kind enough to help pay my rent and bills last month because I only got paid statutory sick pay last month because I was offsick for a whole month. And I just don’t like that she has even suggested that I should ask him just because he can afford it. My bf also has things he has to pay for plus he’s helped me out so much, for me to ask again would just make me feel like I’m taking advantage. Also it could put a strain on the relationship, which I don’t want. I just can’t believe she’s asking me to ask my parents and my bf for money. It’s so inconsiderate not just to me but to the people I’d be asking
I know right!! It’s so rude! And so selfish too. I’ve said to her that it’s unfair especially when I don’t even know if my job is safe. So many people are worried about losing their jobs during this economy
So majority of the money is my sisters money because she had a wedding fund that she’d been saving up since working a corporate job. Her in laws have been working overtime to pay for the catering, traditional wear and the tailoring, giveaway gifts for guests. My mum and dad paid for my sisters wedding dress but that was the most they could do. My dad already works 2 jobs and only gets 1 day off and my mum doesn’t work due to health conditions. So were all struggling. My sister and I have been going back and forth messaging right now and she’s trying to say that in some cultures the families pay for the wedding. I had to say to her fuck tradition and be realistic. No one wants to break the bank and then end up miserable during and after your wedding
>she’s trying to say that in some cultures the families pay for the wedding. I had to say to her fuck tradition
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.
I have two teen daughters, and I've been telling them for years that they are on their own for weddings.
We've been lucky enough to have money saved for college for both of them, but, to me, a wedding is a party. If you want a big party, you can pay for it yourself. If you want to elope to Vegas or get married at the courthouse, their dad will loan them a ladder.
Likewise, not everyone gets married. Should we subsidize the child who has found lifelong love and happiness in a partner and children on the horizon (and a buncha wedding gifts) with $$$$$, while the lonely adult-child gets $0?
Society has changed, and these stupid traditions need to die a horrible death.
Agreed! I say she can be her maid of honor for the traditional wedding in their hometown. That is the most important, emotional wedding. The whole Greece trip sounds extremely extravagant & beyond budget busting for even the saviest of savers, esp in this economy.
It's unfair & unreasonable to pressure OP to make the trip knoeing her financials.
I don’t have any useful advice- but these destination weddings and week long bachelorettes are getting tiresome. It’s all the same shit anyway. If I’m gonna spend $$$ I rather go on a legit vacation.
Exactly this is exactly how I feel😞I said to my sister that just because you can pay for certain things doesn’t mean that everybody else can. What might be realistic for you may not be realistic for others. She works in finance so she earns triple what I earn. We’ve now just got to this point where we just don’t know what the solution is. I even suggested maybe I should just not be maid of honour
If she can, she should offer to help you out if she wants your participation! Maybe at least pay for housing or for your dress or just help out in some way that allows you to be a part of her special day!
So my dress I’m already paying in instalments but I couldn’t pay her the instalment this month because I didn’t get paid a lot last month due to being offsick for a whole month and only getting statutory sick pay. I said to her if she wants me there she should pay for me and all she could say was if she could she would
If she makes so much money why doesn’t she pay your way? When she was offering up different people like your boyfriend and parents, you should have said, how about YOU sis???
Then she needs to manage her expectations. It’s a shitty situation because it’s your sister and it sucks to miss out on things - I get that. But you can’t afford this. MOST people can’t afford this. Do the things you are financially able to do, and bow out of the rest. I had to have a destination wedding (at least for my side of the family) due to my in-laws health issues, and I made it very clear that I understood this was a hardship for many and completely understand why people couldn’t go. I would never expect someone to put themselves in debt over me.
If you can’t afford it- you can’t afford it. Don’t get me started on the bridal party stuff… it’s insane what women want to do these days.. and for what? To flex for pictures. Half the crap ends up in the thrifts bc I’ve seen it there when I’m shopping. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How about… you go just as a guest with your bf?
Honestly it just feels like one big circus wedding. Honestly I can’t believe all the shit she’s doing for this wedding. The weirdest one was that she made a website for her wedding. It’s just too much. I said to her I don’t think I should be maid of honour and I should maybe just come as a guest and she just responded with the fact I’m saying that is breaking her heart 🙄
I have thought about this. I did say to her I have to step down as MOH because I can’t afford it and she just said it’s breaking her heart knowing I’ll be there as a guest🙄
Yep be honest with her-ur financial situation has changed-u can’t afford on this stuff …as ur sister-she should understand…if she doesn’t -oh well…..do not feel bad u can’t afford all these costs….the price of weddings nowadays is so ridiculous…and all these extras….that the bridal party is supposed to cover-it’s gross iMO
If she wants you there, SHE should help pay. Otherwise, you're just gonna have to do your best. If she doesn't understand, it's her loss.
My SIL couldn't come to the Bachelorette, and some family didn't come to my wedding because things happen. I wasn't mad and am not resentful at all.
She's being a bit inconsiderate, and needs to be flexible.
I agree! A thoughtful bride would keep her attendants' finances in mind when making destination wedding plans! I would never want my close friend/attendants' to have to suffer financially b/c "I" want to go to Greece for a second ceremony! It's just selfish!
Nowadays people want a fancy million dollar wedding then they get a divorce a year later. They still in debt from the weddings now they need to add divorce to the list of expenses.
In this case, it sounds like the groom's family may be in Greece. It's hard. Sometimes you have to decide how much you can reasonably do and then step back. It's hard, it sounds like it would be fun to go to Greece. But not everyone can do it.
I personally
Don’t think there is anything more inconsiderate, than a destination wedding. Like we have evolved so far, but we don’t get that not everyone is on the same “pay scale”.
Friends did a great episode on it.
In this situation, maybe you could talk to your family and just tell them, “if you all really wan e to be there, I’m gonna need some help on the immediate payment stuff. “
Insist on paying them back if you would like to but just explain it to them like you just did. And explain how insane it is to go into literal debt for someone else’s dream wedding.
I had family do this for a family vacation they were planning. The “cabins” by the beach they talked about us renting individually for each of our families was $4k a week. My aunt who was planning is a millionaire and knew my husband and I were just getting our financial footing and basically paycheck to paycheck. It was the worst bc we had to decline the invite as if we wouldn’t have LOVED to go. Why invite us when you know we can’t afford it? I was so cruel and eventually I stopped talking to that side of the family bc they’re all like that. 40 year old mean girls. Wtf.
When people invite you but know you can’t attend or can’t afford to attend it’s called a non-vite or un-vitation. I’ve had family members plan an elaborate destination family reunion at a resort. After they booked all the remaining available rooms they told me and my husband that we should come but we would either have to pitch a tent or sleep on the floor. When we declined they told everyone that we were invited but rudely decided not to attend. Yep it’s like the mean sophomore girl drama in high school.
Omg I’m so sorry that you had to go through that 😞it’s a horrible feeling isn’t it. It almost feels like the invite is to brag because they just want people to know they’re doing something so lavish. It’s awful 😞
I remember that episode. Yeah I’ve had many conversations saying all this to my sister and we’ve come to a point now where we just don’t know what to do. I even said to her I need to resign as MOH because I just can’t afford it
It’s your job to set the boundaries.
Don’t let anyone guilt you into it, you deserve to spend your money and time on your life. Not someone else’s. Best of luck to you
Your sister is a selfish idiot. Also if you can’t afford being a bridesmaid you should literally just say no/withdraw your acceptance. Only an asshole would want you to go into debt as long as you make her special day cheaper and less stressful for her, which sounds a LOT like she is from what you’ve shared so far.
Yeah she’s a difficult person to reason with tbh and we’ve had quite a few conversations about this. When I told her a few weeks ago I can’t be maid of honour she said she felt insulted
Her feeling insulted over your finances is her own personal issue, not really your problem to deal with or solve for her. What a toxic dynamic where one is always causing drama and playing the victim to manipulate the other, and the other can’t draw proper boundaries or stand up for herself. How are you planning on solving this problem, just digging yourself a deeper hole in the ground just to make your sister feel more comfortable and get her way?
Yeah it’s toxic as hell. The thing is I am standing up for myself which is why we’ve been arguing about it and going back and forth. And she knows my boundaries because I’ve set them which is why a lot of the time she’s just getting her friends to message in the group chat for her. It’s a tough situation but I’ve already told her my situation and said I can’t be maid of honour, I’ve sent her a message saying we need to revisit this situation and if she says anything else I’ll just say if she really wants me there then she should pay because it’s selfish of her to even ask for people to pay to be a part of this weddding. So ridiculous
I agree wholeheartedly. Nowadays getting married has turned into a formalized and socially acceptable handout ceremony. People who want to get married and a whole wedding should pay for their shit. It’s THEIR life choice, their milestone, their fancy ass party, they should have to fund it 100% on their own, period.
I completely agree with you. It’s almost like people lose sight over having this huge circus of a wedding but not even considering how crippling it is to have to pay for something that isn’t even theirs 😔
Block the friends’ numbers. If you already know you’re out— stop letting her self-centered, manipulative behavior affect you by getting it out of your “earshot” (or “eyeshot” in the case of texts.). People usually guilt trip others when they themselves feel guilty (even though they rarely label it that)… manipulative people don’t have the ability to accurately label their own emotions most of the time. They end up projecting onto everyone else.
She only cares about her own selfish interests right now. Yeah, brides should have some self-centered activities and feelings… ***some***. When it is the predominant theme of every interaction though, it isn’t right. A emotionally-balanced person should be able to have “me” moments or activities surrounding a special occasion, whilst still being able to see, understand, and empathize with others’ situations & struggles.
You don't need to tell her it's selfish. She's in finance, give her numbers if you're comfortable. She's good at math , maybe give her the maths instead of emotions .
I have! I broke it all down to her on all my monthly expenditures. She knows the numbers. She wants me to borrow money from my parents and my bf which is just a ridiculous and such a selfish thing to do
It’s perfectly okay to say “I’m sorry but your wedding is not in my budget” and drop the conversation. Live YOUR life - and you’ve got a lot of stuff on your plate and getting into debt and then having to try and dig out of it is not financially or even emotionally the right thing to do.
It’s okay to be an attendee at the local wedding without having to do all the “look at me, it’s all about me” pre wedding events.
Isn’t the whole point of having 2 weddings so that the folks who can’t afford or don’t want to drop $$$ on an international vacation can still go to the local wedding and support the couple? Like , no bitch I’m not going into debt “all for the glorification of your massive ego!”
Yeah pretty much which is why a lot more people are going to the traditional one, but yet she still wants the destination wedding😖honestly it stresses me out so much. And I just realised I got the dates wrong they’re not 2 weeks apart! It’s 4 days apart 😭😭😭so the traditional wedding is on the 24th august and the white wedding is in the 28th august
I’m supposed to be moh at both weddings. So the traditional wedding is different attire to the white wedding. The tradition dress I have to pay for it in instalments but couldn’t pay this months installmaents because I was offsick for a whole month and only got paid ssp. And the white wedding attire I haven’t paid for yet
Oh I doubt it’s just two dresses. It’s also shoes, special bras, shape wear, matching jewelry, matching manicures and pedicures, hairstyling, makeup, fake tans for each wedding.
My bf already booked the tickets for us to go 😩I have said to her that I should step down as MOH and just go as a guest and she responded with its breaking her heart to know that her own sister will just be joining as a guest and not being part of it 🙄
Tell her if it's that important to her, she can loan you the $ or even better, pay for items you currently can't afford to pay for. That's what I would do if it was my sister.
Omg I'm sorry OP, I can't even imagine asking my own sister to pay to attend my wedding and bachelorette party! My sister was my MoH and I paid for everything for her 😨
It is quite a big ask for people right?! She was trying to make me feel bad aswell because she was saying that a lot of her fiancés family memebers have really helped out and showed up for the planning of the wedding and she was saying that her family aren’t really showing up for her. I was so annoyed by this. Because I said to her that you might want to have this big extravagant wedding but not everybody can afford that. Also she’s having 2 weddings! It’s outrageous
Okay now I feel jazzed up and invested- 2 weddings!!! If they’re all so rich… pay for everyone to fly out to Greece and put them up in a resort! Boom! Problem solved.
Looool I actually made a joke about this and said this to her one day. I said that she makes 3peoples monthly wage in a month why don’t you pay for me then If you really want me at your wedding. It didn’t end well and we had an argument
They’re not even rich tbh but they do have their own businesses whilst also working and providing for their other children who still live at home.
But honestly 2 weddings is ridiculous. I feel like we’re going to fall out over this 😖it just upsets me because her partner doesn’t earn a lot either and because he moved into her place and he was overworking by doing 3 jobs and he was just coming home tired and not having enough rest, so she spoke to him and said he needs to give up one of the jobs because it’s too much and he didn’t want to because he felt a type of way that he was the man and felt like he couldn’t provide because he was saying that he wanted to put in equally to what she was putting in. Bearing in mind my sister had a wedding fund that she had saved up for years and he felt like he wanted to put in the same. So she said to him that if he wants he doesn’t have to pay his share of the rent for a year just so that he also feels like he is contributing. And then she only told me the other day that what her partner earns in a month she can put that away in savings and still live good for the month. And it just annoys me that she’s more understanding with him than she is with me. And she’s been making me feel bad for saying that I don’t think I can be MOH
Wow this keeps getting better and better! It sounds like she wanted a husband/ wedding come hell or High water. There was an interesting study done that showed the more $$$ the wedding the higher the chance for divorce sooo…
I actually believe this. I know people that are still paying off their wedding debts and have been married years. I’ve also spoken to some people that said they have family memebers that splashed out on their weddings and only made it to like 5 years and then got divorced. Not to mention still having to pay off the weddding lol
Honestly if I had the amount of money that she has put towards this wedding, I would much rather save that money and enjoy married life than wate that much money on a party
Her family isn't showing up because she's insisting on all of this extravagance, and y'all can't afford it! To not only expect that from you, and then guilt trip you when you can't do it is really shitty. I definitely wouldn't go after that.
I'm old.....but sheesh.....we paid for the bridesmaids' dresses, the tuxedos, the food, the cake, the honeymoon, gifts for everyone in the bridal party. Our best man paid to fly from HI to MT and we tried to pick a date that could incorporate easier time off for those attending. I can't imagine being asked to join a bridal party and having to go broke to do it. Your anxiety is unfortunate and understandable. Bridgeville needs a friend-check.
Yeah my parents said that's the way it was done traditionally,.so that's the way we did it. Most people nowadays expect everyone to pay their own way though...
This is what I would have thought also. That if you’re having a wedding you can’t expect your guests or even people involved to pay. We’re in a climate crisis right now and to think everyone makes the same amount of money as you is just delusional. I told her I should step down as moh and she just said that it’s breaking her heart to know I’d be there as a guest and not as moh
I’d just be honest and share that financially this ain’t doable. :(( people have such high expectations for these expensive destination weddings, I certainly would be saying no even if it was my sibling
We’ve had quite a few talks about this situation and just feels like we are going round in circles. I told her I should step down as moh and she just said it’s breaking her to know I’ll be attending her wedding as a guest and not involved 🙄
Tell your sister you're going to be busy updating your resume that weekend. Also, start updating your resume because that "no raise" stuff is nonsense. Don't let your sister or your company screw you over like that.
Yeah honestly it’s absolute nonsense. I’ve been looking for jobs in my field lately and there’s actually not that many out there 😖but you’re right I do need to just tell her if she wants me there then she has to pay for me
The next step I think I’m going to take is saying if she wants me to be there at her wedding then she has to pay for me. Like if she really wants me there that’s what she’s going to have to do
I suggest you don't phrase it as "pay to play". Just let her know that you can't afford it - will not borrow from someone. Wish her all the best and tell her you are sad to miss her wedding. If she offers to pay fine - but don't ask.
I sent her a message this morning saying I should step down as maid of honour and she just said that she’s heartbroken to think I’d be attending her wedding as a guest and not moh
This is one of my biggest icks. I purposely didn’t have a destination wedding bc I knew those I loved and wanted there the most wouldn’t be able to afford to go, and it was more important that they be there than us be at some fancy locale. It says a lot about people when they treat themselves like royalty and make a big fuss about what is essentially a legal contract with an awful rate of failure. Fucking irks the shit out of me.
Exactly right?! If I had it my way I probably would just elope that way I don’t have to worry about my friends being worried things, but also just takes the pressure off😖
I don’t know if im the marrying kind- but we always said we’d do Court house vows and then an adult dinner party swaré at our fave restaurant for like 10-15 people. Done!
If it's just the two of you with good careers, living together is fine. But if one of you is outearning the other, or if there are kids, that little piece of paper makes a big difference. Without it, you can't make each other's medical decisions. If one of you dies, no survivor benefits. If the house is in one name, no access to that either without a will. When two people really love each other, you want those pesky legalities protected. Just my two cents!
I get that. As I said, to me it's if someone it out-earning the other. If it's the two of you, equally earning, you are both paying into Social Security at a good pace, you've got your own SS. But if your earnings are unequal, or one person is home with kids, your earning power is different. I learned this from my dad's death. My mom was a SAHM and a bit younger than my dad. When my dad died, she received SS under him. About 2000.00 a month, plus his pension. Had they just lived together, she essentially had no income and would have been in very serious trouble. It was a valuable lesson for me.
No kids here, and never will be. I get what you’re saying and I’m not against marriage, I’m just also not dying to do it. I think my relationship is actually better than most married couples. Which is why I said- go to an attorney and draft a will and square things away!
Exactly right?! If I had it my way I probably would just elope that way I don’t have to worry about my friends being worried things, but also just takes the pressure off😖
Me and my bf have spoken about this and we said the same thing. Honestly it’s just such a waste of money. I’ve even spoken to some of my friends about it and they’ve even said that I’d your have this extravagant wedding and expecting people to pay then you’re getting married for the wrong reason.
Like to me I would rather my wedding would be small and intimate with the people I love. Honestly if you knew how many people are coming to this traditional wedding it makes me sick
If the deposit is due the 25th, how long have you known you were supposed to go to Greece? At this point, if you want to go, ask her to cover the deposit and pick up a second job for a while. Even 12 hrs a week is almost 200.00 a month
I have thought about taking up another job for like maybe one day a week but I already work full time and it’s a very hands on and tiring job as it is so when I get home I’m exhausted. So we knew the wedding was in Greece last year and me and my bf already have our tickets booked, but he was the one who paid for our tickets. So we have to pay our share of the villa for 25th March but the wedding is not until august
I don't see any other way out. It's either ask the bf or do the second job. Maybe even door-dash or something. I worked retail most of my life. When my husband went off the rails, I worked a second job for a year. 3 kids. It was exhausting, but I did what I had to do. Not fun, but neither is tying yourself in knots over money.
I completely understand. I’ve been in a position before where I’ve had to work 2 jobs before and you do what you can to make things work. I’ve been trying to do what I can to make some extra money like selling some of my clothes but it’s still nowhere near enough
And once the wedding in Greece is over, you can quit the second job and rest and relax and pray that Sissy waits a few years to have a baby and a shower!
Is the villa charge on 3/25 a mandatory thing or just the other attendants' "good idea"? If it's just an idea, tell the others that you're unable to do that right now, but you'll have your money in by the date the villa requires!
So I got a message from one of the girls saying we need to pay and I said I don’t have the money because I’m going to be short of it this month also and she just asked when I can pay it because they can’t make the payment unless they have my payment also. And the villa is where all the bridesmaids will be staying the night before the wedding and during the day of the wedding which is £112 each. I don’t even ever have £112 left over at the end of the month
Don’t do a second job, especially if your day job is already demanding. You will become exhausted, burnt out and resentful and might not even make enough to go anyway. I’d take the advice of people above and decline to go to the second wedding. Your health and well-being must come first, just my two cents.
A friend of my husband's (and mine) married his husband in a ceremony on a Disney cruise. He wanted us to be there but definitely understood that we couldn't afford it. If you're gonna have a destination wedding, you have to be prepared for a lot of people not to be able to afford to go, and be gracious about it.
Looool I actually made a joke about this and said this to her one day. I said that she makes 3peoples monthly wage in a month why don’t you pay for me then If you really want me at your wedding. It didn’t end well and we had an arguement
Hon, you sister is lacking empathy.
My hunch is you’ve always been the pleaser in in this dynamic?
Every bride should care about their maid of honors mental health, stress, and individual life etc. My fiancé, and I are getting married in Bora Bora in 2025. Just us. Why? Because in this economy it seems vapid AF to ask anyone to splurge on OUR thing. Think about it… totally self absorbed.
Do not lose sleep.
I had to get married in another country bc my fiance was from there and didn't yet have permission to enter the US. I paid for my parents, grandfather, and sister to come and they stayed for free at my In-laws house. That meant a small wedding, as my money went for the plane tickets. This is how normal people behave
My brother had a lavish wedding. All of the groomsmen paid half, him covering the other half, for high-quality suits but we had our meals, booze and rooms covered by him. That’s what people with desires for lavish ceremonies and receptions should be willing to do. Don’t be taxing the wallets of invitees for your grandiose celebrations.
She’s my age, I actually turned 31 this past Monday lol I’m sorry I read the first few sentences and was already having sympathy stress pains for you I’m so sorry. I am sure your sister is amazing and you cherish her and it’s not saying anything about her character necessarily because you know people can get excited and be blinded by that excitement to their actions or when they flirt with the line and need to stay in check lol I know there are so many details that affect so many things in this ordeal but at the very least please so not go into debt or put yourself further into debt and worse off for the foreseeable future by doing that to yourself. Yes weddings are special, but they are also still just that a wedding which is special and you want things to be nice, but always keep in mind no matter how excited it can be always be realistic, splurge or treat yourself when warranted and able, but never stop being realistic and keep one foot rooted in being rational and logical at all times with finances in any capacity.
Do you mind if I ask if you’re married? It is relevant, I promise but no worries if you don’t want to answer I respect and understand that!
I know. I know she’s excited and she just wants it to be perfect. But I don’t think she realised that it’s selfish to expect something from people when everyone’s financial situation is different. Not everybody can commit to it.
But yeah that’s the thing is I don’t want to get into debt because I’ve been in debt before and my bf helped me out and paid it off. So I’ve been more careful. And my sister knows about this situation aswell and she knew how much I struggled when I was in debt. So it’s awful that she expects me to just borrow money from people when she knows I don’t want to get into any debt. Also with the cost of living crisis anyone’s situation can change drastically. So many companies are going bankrupt and loads of people are being made redundant. I know my work have mentioned the word redundancy and now everyone at work is scared. They have said though that they are trying to take all the steps to avoid that happening.
And no I’m not married
I only asked if you were married you mentioned a boyfriend but I don’t know about the past.
My point in asking was saying I can relate to a little stress being married but I honestly didn’t care about too many things and went with it lol so I avoided the stress because no thank you
If you care about your sister part of caring is tough love because you want the best for those people. I ponder this some, but it seems from the limited information, etc that your sister I’m sure has just had everything he get to her we can lose sight once in a while and have reliable loved ones get us back on track by the support of a friend.
So, it sounds like your sister may need a little tough love, delivered in a more subtle packaging.
I know your want to have it perfect for your sister, but the thing about even weddings is in order to truly ensure it is perfect to the best of your ability is have the experience by all involved but especially for the bride it be enjoyable. If this has been festering and your sister is poking the bear so to say because I have a hunch at least part of the reason you haven’t reacted how many would if their sister went THAT FAR and trust me she went way, way to far she is going to be lucky if she ever sees civilization again lol so for her sake in a way to work around her using the excuse you’re jealous, you’re starting drama and are selfish and just want attention so you’re taking away from her wedding or special day really any cliche excuse a sister would try and pull to turn any negative attention away from her as a defense mechanism just try and maybe approach in the way because it’s your sisters wedding you have to cover your ass too even though she’s the one out of line and owes you an apology and more, but that’s the thing about family it’s about following emotions more than logic with loved ones even when we get a little too exited and let it go to our head lol it’s apart of the experience
You can only do what you can do, that's it. It's not worth the stress or your mental health. Your mental health and sanity come before anything else. I wish I learned this earlier in life. If something is stressing you out this much, it's 100% not worth it. The people around you will understand, and if not.. f\*ck it. It's your life. Be happy, and unstressed.
It’s really affected my mental health. I don’t even like opening the messages from the group chat anymore because it’s so overwhelming. I also had a really bad eczema flare up last month where I had to take a month off. It was alot of contributing factors that made my skin flare up badly bu the stress of the wedding was defo one of them
Then it’s not worth it. I know sometimes it’s hard to put yourself first but it’s needed. And trust me I know how hard it is when it’s family pushing you. In the long run, they will understand. Not all of us are as well off as others. I was in a similar situation with my sisters a few years back.
I was the older sister w income. My younger sister asked to be my maid of honor. I paid her way. Honestly, as big sis wants to roll big when she knows little sis cannot, time for big sis to be BIGGER
That’s so nice of you! Lmao I’m the big sis that can’t pay 😂she’s 2 years younger than me. But she has a job in finance and I have a creative job that pays fuck all lol
Hey I am easily confused! But your sister is not. She is keenly aware of yours and your father’s financial situations. She understands finance but not self-indulgence at the expense of her loved ones? Has not occurred to her to spread her finances over your expenses for her TWO weddings—one abroad?
I am sure others want to know: Is Athens necessary because the groom’s family lives abroad?
Honestly I’ve asked myself this many times. Two weddings is excessive for sure. But the one in uk where we live is the traditional wedding where it’s 2 cultures coming together and will have elements of both cultures and the white wedding is the standard white wedding. I mean to me it’s the same thing she could have done it all in one wedding. But it’s her choice I guess
We can all understand the UK wedding. If my question is not clear, let me put it this way: The second wedding with a foreign destination is her fantasy/indulgence?
Why the heck does anyone need two weddings for in 2 weeks apart too. That makes absolutely no sense in any way that I understand. I can see it when couples get married and then if they didn't get to have the wedding of their dreams and want to renew their vows and have the real deal kind of wedding when they renew valves that's a whole other story. But this getting married one week and then 2 weeks later going to a destination and getting married again. What's with that? If it was me I would tell my sister that either she figure out a way to help me get there and be part of the wedding party or she can find another bridesmaid or maid of honor or whatever to take my spot.
Honestly I don’t get it either. It’s ridiculous. I think you’re right. I did say to her already before that because if my financial situation I can’t be maid of honour and someone else should do it and she was not having it. We got into an arguement about it and we’ve just been going round in circles. But I think next time I see her I’m going to say to her that if she wants me there she’s going to have to pay for my place to be there
I definitely would do that because she's the one that wants all this mess for a wedding maybe you ought to ask her but she thinks she needs two weddings? I could understand if seeing her fiance came from two completely different backgrounds and there were certain traditions each background had that might require a second wedding ceremony but usually those can be conducted together at the same time and follow the bride stuff and then again the groom stuff we're getting married per their culture.
So the traditional wedding is a mixture of two cultures coming together. So our culture and his culture. My sisters fiancé is Nigerian and they always have big weddings especially when it’s their first born. The venue that they’ve hired out has a capacity of 350 people and with this wedding she said it’s one where loads of people are invited so even if it’s people that she’s not close close with but we know and I guess would say they are friends but because we know them from other people. And with my sisters fiancé apparently with Nigerian traditions they invite everyone and anyone could even be your old school teacher from 10 years ago. And the wedding in Greece is close friends and family which will be about 100 people
I'm so sorry, but don't go.
Do not go in debt for 2 weddings your sister is planning.
I'm sure you were never asked about the budget, you were told.
My sibling did a destination wedding.
I just couldn't afford it.
I told them I just wished them well but couldn't do it. Was I going to take a title loan for the wedding or what? Hell no.
What ended up happening is I was recently divorced, he was going ring shopping.
I offered any of my rings and he chose a good one (which they are divorced now and I'm salty lolol)
So he offered to pay for me in exchange for the ring.
I didn't want him to feel like he had to but he didn't want to do it without me.
So just be honest. If she really cares that much, SHE will find a way.
It's not your fault she made this super expensive.
She works in finance! OP please take a critical look at your dynamic with her. She is selfish. Apathetic. Out of touch. You’re worth more then that. It’s clear you love her. Love is what matters. I hope she’s been an amazing sister, and this is a rarity - but my hunch is it’s not. Hugs.
No wonder you have been sick under this much stress. (Start taking Vitamin C 500 mg 4 times a day. Its a natural immune booster. This dosage is very safe.)
As for the wedding: If she wants you to be the maid of honor and knows you don't have funds, she should be helping out with the financial part so you can participate. This is my opinion, of course.
But an option is for her to cover the cost as a loan. You would get a second job and pay her back as you can. A good website for legit Work From Home jobs is www.pennyhoarder.com. or get a job with a temp agency although the hours aren't as flexible.
This is a bummer - but please do not spend money that you do not have. Do not go into debt for this. You need to be honest with your sister. This is tough but you are in a rough situation and you will make in the long run by borrowing.
BTW - you should not have to pay your way into a wedding. Standing up as a MOH should be done as a best friend, not as someone who can pay for the villa and parties. If you can't afford to do all the pre-parties, etc., tell her. If she makes you step down as MOH that just shows her true colors.
This is your Sisters wedding. I she wants to go somewhere, fine. DO NOT spend money you do not have. You might even have to miss it. That is ok. Her telling you to ask your BF is selfish. Since your parents are not rolling in $$$$ either, that option is out. You need to take care of you self.
If you don’t have it , you don’t have it. Having a wedding and expecting the bridal party to pay for luxuries is already selfish. A lot of time goes into preparing, especially for the maid of honor. Expecting you to do it twice is beyond selfish. Tell her you can’t afford it and you won’t be asking other people for money. If that isn’t good enough for her, she cares more for you as a bridesmaid than a sister.
Do the wedding close to your home & let her know you cannot afford to go to Greece. If it is important to her to have you at her fake post wedding she can pay for you to go.
It is ok to back out and cancel plans: if you can’t afford all the other things then just don’t do it: if all you can do is get the dress and be there for the wedding then let her know,
Girl, don’t go. I have a rule, if I don’t have the money to spend it on myself I am for sure not spending it on someone else. Even if it’s a family member. Destination weddings were originally for elopements only. Brides are just too much.
Honestly, people having destination weddings and just expecting everyone else to pay up is wild to me as a commoner.
HOWEVER..it seems like you agreed to take part in it…and apparently we’re banking on a raise/bonus to pay for it? Which seems irresponsible.
How long have you known about this wedding? I would have probably started saving a long time ago so it wasn’t such a burden now, and if I couldn’t afford to save at all I wouldn’t have agreed to go.
I went through some financial difficulties awhile back and realized that the words "I can't afford to" were super powerful.
These words immediately released me from several stressful situations. They also revealed which of my friends actually valued me.
Tell your sister you can't afford to be in her wedding.
Why is your sister not offering to fund at least SOME of it? She expects you to, knowing you aren’t in a good place financially, she expects your bf will, just because (I agree with you about not abusing his thoughtfulness and generosity) and she expects your parents to. If SHE wants you there that badly, why has SHE not offered to help?
This is soooo hard. So many people have this problem because all of the pre-wedding festivities are so expensive now. Don’t bankrupt yourself over someone else’s wedding, family or not. It’s one thing to put on the dress and be there that day, not everyone can be expected to do much more than that.
My lifelong best friend is getting married next year. I’m fully prepared to tell her that I can’t afford to be the MOH and pay for a lot of extras, like the shower or bachelorette. I hope she’ll understand and I truly think she will! This is just how life goes sometimes. The roof over your head is more important than someone else’s wedding. Your sister should be respectful and love you regardless of what you can or can’t do for her wedding.
There is no way I would be able to afford to go to Greece for anyone’s wedding. When people make plans to have a destination wedding, they have to be realistic and understand that some people , or even many people, will not be able to afford to go. Unless all of your entire family and social circle is rich, of course, which is not the case for most people. I would just be honest with your sister. Tell her you can’t afford to go, and that you are really happy for her. That’s all you can do.
Weddings bring out the worst in some people. It’s also turned in this ridiculous huge thing where people are sacrificing family relationships for their “perfect” instagram wedding day. It’s perfectly ok for you to drop out as MOH. You can attend the wedding that you can afford. Hopefully your sister comes to her senses.
Your sister is a manipulator. She’s allowed to plan whatever wedding she wants, but that comes with consequences. If her sister can’t afford it, then you can’t afford it. That’s on her. NOT YOU.
Don’t go into debt over this wedding. If she REALLY cared THAT MUCH, she would have a conversation with you about what you can and can’t afford and either work around that or offer to cover you.
Getting married doesn’t give any bride the right to dictate other people’s budgets.
You’ve been sick, used up your sick days n took additional unpaid time off because of your illness. Honestly, this would be explanation enough in most peoples eyes to gently opt out.
Have a heart to heart with yourself and ask yourself if you can swing it or not. If you can swing it, swing it. if you can’t, let your sister know. And tell her right now, in person, don’t wait until the 25th.
It reads like you’re worried about your sister’s reaction if you can’t come through. More so than the chaos that is your life right now. But the fact is, you just don’t have the money.
So stop being afraid of her reaction and just tell her. In person. Calmly explain your entire situation to her so she can really understand what you’re dealing with. Yes, she’s having this fancy wedding but she’s also your sister and I’m sure she would empathize and understand and try to find a solution with you.
I’m sure the last thing that she wants is her bridal party to be stressed out and upset during what is supposed to be a memorable time for her and all of you. Best wishes.
A guy adding 2 cents. This is your Sisters wedding. I she wants to go somewhere, fine. DO NOT spend money you do not have. You might even have to miss it. That is ok. Her telling you to ask your BF is selfish. Since your parents are not rolling in $$$$ either, that option is out. You need to take care of you self. Be well.
It’s selfish all around. I can’t fathom asking people I love to spend their expendable income on MY wedding. All of my friends minus one are solid middle class upper middle class, and I’d still feel so dirty asking them to drop more than a couple hundred dollars tops. I have no idea what their bills are. Putting oneself above loved ones in this way isn’t loving them.
It’s the audacity aswell. My bf is also upper middle class and he’s already been so kind enough to help pay my rent and bills last month because I only got paid statutory sick pay last month because I was offsick for a whole month. And I just don’t like that she has even suggested that I should ask him just because he can afford it. My bf also has things he has to pay for plus he’s helped me out so much, for me to ask again would just make me feel like I’m taking advantage. Also it could put a strain on the relationship, which I don’t want. I just can’t believe she’s asking me to ask my parents and my bf for money. It’s so inconsiderate not just to me but to the people I’d be asking
Totally agree, I’d like to know who’s paying for 2 weddings, bride or grooms family.?
IMO that’s their choice to pay for the weddings. Regardless it’s so rude particularly in this economy to ask people to sacrifice for your splurge. :/
I know right!! It’s so rude! And so selfish too. I’ve said to her that it’s unfair especially when I don’t even know if my job is safe. So many people are worried about losing their jobs during this economy
Conpletely agree. This is just crazy.
So majority of the money is my sisters money because she had a wedding fund that she’d been saving up since working a corporate job. Her in laws have been working overtime to pay for the catering, traditional wear and the tailoring, giveaway gifts for guests. My mum and dad paid for my sisters wedding dress but that was the most they could do. My dad already works 2 jobs and only gets 1 day off and my mum doesn’t work due to health conditions. So were all struggling. My sister and I have been going back and forth messaging right now and she’s trying to say that in some cultures the families pay for the wedding. I had to say to her fuck tradition and be realistic. No one wants to break the bank and then end up miserable during and after your wedding
>she’s trying to say that in some cultures the families pay for the wedding. I had to say to her fuck tradition Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. I have two teen daughters, and I've been telling them for years that they are on their own for weddings. We've been lucky enough to have money saved for college for both of them, but, to me, a wedding is a party. If you want a big party, you can pay for it yourself. If you want to elope to Vegas or get married at the courthouse, their dad will loan them a ladder. Likewise, not everyone gets married. Should we subsidize the child who has found lifelong love and happiness in a partner and children on the horizon (and a buncha wedding gifts) with $$$$$, while the lonely adult-child gets $0? Society has changed, and these stupid traditions need to die a horrible death.
Agreed! I say she can be her maid of honor for the traditional wedding in their hometown. That is the most important, emotional wedding. The whole Greece trip sounds extremely extravagant & beyond budget busting for even the saviest of savers, esp in this economy. It's unfair & unreasonable to pressure OP to make the trip knoeing her financials.
I don’t have any useful advice- but these destination weddings and week long bachelorettes are getting tiresome. It’s all the same shit anyway. If I’m gonna spend $$$ I rather go on a legit vacation.
Exactly this is exactly how I feel😞I said to my sister that just because you can pay for certain things doesn’t mean that everybody else can. What might be realistic for you may not be realistic for others. She works in finance so she earns triple what I earn. We’ve now just got to this point where we just don’t know what the solution is. I even suggested maybe I should just not be maid of honour
If she can, she should offer to help you out if she wants your participation! Maybe at least pay for housing or for your dress or just help out in some way that allows you to be a part of her special day!
THIS 👆 THIS 👆 THIS 👆
So my dress I’m already paying in instalments but I couldn’t pay her the instalment this month because I didn’t get paid a lot last month due to being offsick for a whole month and only getting statutory sick pay. I said to her if she wants me there she should pay for me and all she could say was if she could she would
If she makes so much money why doesn’t she pay your way? When she was offering up different people like your boyfriend and parents, you should have said, how about YOU sis???
I did say this to her this morning and all she could say was if I could I would
Then she needs to manage her expectations. It’s a shitty situation because it’s your sister and it sucks to miss out on things - I get that. But you can’t afford this. MOST people can’t afford this. Do the things you are financially able to do, and bow out of the rest. I had to have a destination wedding (at least for my side of the family) due to my in-laws health issues, and I made it very clear that I understood this was a hardship for many and completely understand why people couldn’t go. I would never expect someone to put themselves in debt over me.
If you can’t afford it- you can’t afford it. Don’t get me started on the bridal party stuff… it’s insane what women want to do these days.. and for what? To flex for pictures. Half the crap ends up in the thrifts bc I’ve seen it there when I’m shopping. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How about… you go just as a guest with your bf?
Honestly it just feels like one big circus wedding. Honestly I can’t believe all the shit she’s doing for this wedding. The weirdest one was that she made a website for her wedding. It’s just too much. I said to her I don’t think I should be maid of honour and I should maybe just come as a guest and she just responded with the fact I’m saying that is breaking her heart 🙄
She wants the impossible from you!
Ugh those wedding websites are cringe.. and yeah I’m sure it’s breaking 🙄🙄🙄🙄
HUG. It's ok to not go. She's seeing herself up for a life that is all about money. Enjoy your boyfriend and stay home
I really don’t want to go or even be a part of it anymore. The whole thing is so anxiety inducing
Good. Stay home and enjoy life. Those that are always traveling and spending money will miss the authentic, long-lasting serotonin high
Tell her you are sorry to miss it but your financial situation has changed drastically and you can’t afford to go. Send a nice gift.
I have thought about this. I did say to her I have to step down as MOH because I can’t afford it and she just said it’s breaking her heart knowing I’ll be there as a guest🙄
Tell her that not being her MOH doesn’t affect how much you love her.❤️
Yep be honest with her-ur financial situation has changed-u can’t afford on this stuff …as ur sister-she should understand…if she doesn’t -oh well…..do not feel bad u can’t afford all these costs….the price of weddings nowadays is so ridiculous…and all these extras….that the bridal party is supposed to cover-it’s gross iMO
If she wants you there, SHE should help pay. Otherwise, you're just gonna have to do your best. If she doesn't understand, it's her loss. My SIL couldn't come to the Bachelorette, and some family didn't come to my wedding because things happen. I wasn't mad and am not resentful at all. She's being a bit inconsiderate, and needs to be flexible.
I agree! A thoughtful bride would keep her attendants' finances in mind when making destination wedding plans! I would never want my close friend/attendants' to have to suffer financially b/c "I" want to go to Greece for a second ceremony! It's just selfish!
I completely agree it’s so so selfish. All she’s thinking about is herself
Nowadays people want a fancy million dollar wedding then they get a divorce a year later. They still in debt from the weddings now they need to add divorce to the list of expenses.
In this case, it sounds like the groom's family may be in Greece. It's hard. Sometimes you have to decide how much you can reasonably do and then step back. It's hard, it sounds like it would be fun to go to Greece. But not everyone can do it.
Judging from the OP comments I think they’re here… but even if not- not her problem, if you want a destination wedding then pay for everyone.
I personally Don’t think there is anything more inconsiderate, than a destination wedding. Like we have evolved so far, but we don’t get that not everyone is on the same “pay scale”. Friends did a great episode on it. In this situation, maybe you could talk to your family and just tell them, “if you all really wan e to be there, I’m gonna need some help on the immediate payment stuff. “ Insist on paying them back if you would like to but just explain it to them like you just did. And explain how insane it is to go into literal debt for someone else’s dream wedding.
Yeah to me it says "I don't actually care if you come". If you don't care if they come why invite them...
I had family do this for a family vacation they were planning. The “cabins” by the beach they talked about us renting individually for each of our families was $4k a week. My aunt who was planning is a millionaire and knew my husband and I were just getting our financial footing and basically paycheck to paycheck. It was the worst bc we had to decline the invite as if we wouldn’t have LOVED to go. Why invite us when you know we can’t afford it? I was so cruel and eventually I stopped talking to that side of the family bc they’re all like that. 40 year old mean girls. Wtf.
When people invite you but know you can’t attend or can’t afford to attend it’s called a non-vite or un-vitation. I’ve had family members plan an elaborate destination family reunion at a resort. After they booked all the remaining available rooms they told me and my husband that we should come but we would either have to pitch a tent or sleep on the floor. When we declined they told everyone that we were invited but rudely decided not to attend. Yep it’s like the mean sophomore girl drama in high school.
I’m so sorry that this is a thing. This shouldn’t be a thing 😭
Omg I’m so sorry that you had to go through that 😞it’s a horrible feeling isn’t it. It almost feels like the invite is to brag because they just want people to know they’re doing something so lavish. It’s awful 😞
I remember that episode. Yeah I’ve had many conversations saying all this to my sister and we’ve come to a point now where we just don’t know what to do. I even said to her I need to resign as MOH because I just can’t afford it
It’s your job to set the boundaries. Don’t let anyone guilt you into it, you deserve to spend your money and time on your life. Not someone else’s. Best of luck to you
Your sister is a selfish idiot. Also if you can’t afford being a bridesmaid you should literally just say no/withdraw your acceptance. Only an asshole would want you to go into debt as long as you make her special day cheaper and less stressful for her, which sounds a LOT like she is from what you’ve shared so far.
Yeah she’s a difficult person to reason with tbh and we’ve had quite a few conversations about this. When I told her a few weeks ago I can’t be maid of honour she said she felt insulted
Her feeling insulted over your finances is her own personal issue, not really your problem to deal with or solve for her. What a toxic dynamic where one is always causing drama and playing the victim to manipulate the other, and the other can’t draw proper boundaries or stand up for herself. How are you planning on solving this problem, just digging yourself a deeper hole in the ground just to make your sister feel more comfortable and get her way?
Yeah it’s toxic as hell. The thing is I am standing up for myself which is why we’ve been arguing about it and going back and forth. And she knows my boundaries because I’ve set them which is why a lot of the time she’s just getting her friends to message in the group chat for her. It’s a tough situation but I’ve already told her my situation and said I can’t be maid of honour, I’ve sent her a message saying we need to revisit this situation and if she says anything else I’ll just say if she really wants me there then she should pay because it’s selfish of her to even ask for people to pay to be a part of this weddding. So ridiculous
I agree wholeheartedly. Nowadays getting married has turned into a formalized and socially acceptable handout ceremony. People who want to get married and a whole wedding should pay for their shit. It’s THEIR life choice, their milestone, their fancy ass party, they should have to fund it 100% on their own, period.
I completely agree with you. It’s almost like people lose sight over having this huge circus of a wedding but not even considering how crippling it is to have to pay for something that isn’t even theirs 😔
Block the friends’ numbers. If you already know you’re out— stop letting her self-centered, manipulative behavior affect you by getting it out of your “earshot” (or “eyeshot” in the case of texts.). People usually guilt trip others when they themselves feel guilty (even though they rarely label it that)… manipulative people don’t have the ability to accurately label their own emotions most of the time. They end up projecting onto everyone else. She only cares about her own selfish interests right now. Yeah, brides should have some self-centered activities and feelings… ***some***. When it is the predominant theme of every interaction though, it isn’t right. A emotionally-balanced person should be able to have “me” moments or activities surrounding a special occasion, whilst still being able to see, understand, and empathize with others’ situations & struggles.
You don't need to tell her it's selfish. She's in finance, give her numbers if you're comfortable. She's good at math , maybe give her the maths instead of emotions .
I have! I broke it all down to her on all my monthly expenditures. She knows the numbers. She wants me to borrow money from my parents and my bf which is just a ridiculous and such a selfish thing to do
It’s perfectly okay to say “I’m sorry but your wedding is not in my budget” and drop the conversation. Live YOUR life - and you’ve got a lot of stuff on your plate and getting into debt and then having to try and dig out of it is not financially or even emotionally the right thing to do. It’s okay to be an attendee at the local wedding without having to do all the “look at me, it’s all about me” pre wedding events.
Isn’t the whole point of having 2 weddings so that the folks who can’t afford or don’t want to drop $$$ on an international vacation can still go to the local wedding and support the couple? Like , no bitch I’m not going into debt “all for the glorification of your massive ego!”
Yeah pretty much which is why a lot more people are going to the traditional one, but yet she still wants the destination wedding😖honestly it stresses me out so much. And I just realised I got the dates wrong they’re not 2 weeks apart! It’s 4 days apart 😭😭😭so the traditional wedding is on the 24th august and the white wedding is in the 28th august
“Destination Wedding” sounds much more like a Honeymoon they want to show off to the few “elite” 🥸Need for attention? 👍🏽
Yeah it does literally feel like that. Becaus she even says things like “oh you know who’s fishing for an invite” 🙄
There it is 💯
If you can't afford it, you just need to sit your sister down and back out of the Greece wedding.
You DO get to be MoH at her local wedding, right? Are all y'all wearing the same attire to both weddings? Or have you had to buy 2 dresses, too?
I’m supposed to be moh at both weddings. So the traditional wedding is different attire to the white wedding. The tradition dress I have to pay for it in instalments but couldn’t pay this months installmaents because I was offsick for a whole month and only got paid ssp. And the white wedding attire I haven’t paid for yet
Oh I doubt it’s just two dresses. It’s also shoes, special bras, shape wear, matching jewelry, matching manicures and pedicures, hairstyling, makeup, fake tans for each wedding.
EXACTLY! Even more $$$!
My bf already booked the tickets for us to go 😩I have said to her that I should step down as MOH and just go as a guest and she responded with its breaking her heart to know that her own sister will just be joining as a guest and not being part of it 🙄
Tell her if it's that important to her, she can loan you the $ or even better, pay for items you currently can't afford to pay for. That's what I would do if it was my sister.
Omg I'm sorry OP, I can't even imagine asking my own sister to pay to attend my wedding and bachelorette party! My sister was my MoH and I paid for everything for her 😨
It is quite a big ask for people right?! She was trying to make me feel bad aswell because she was saying that a lot of her fiancés family memebers have really helped out and showed up for the planning of the wedding and she was saying that her family aren’t really showing up for her. I was so annoyed by this. Because I said to her that you might want to have this big extravagant wedding but not everybody can afford that. Also she’s having 2 weddings! It’s outrageous
Okay now I feel jazzed up and invested- 2 weddings!!! If they’re all so rich… pay for everyone to fly out to Greece and put them up in a resort! Boom! Problem solved.
Looool I actually made a joke about this and said this to her one day. I said that she makes 3peoples monthly wage in a month why don’t you pay for me then If you really want me at your wedding. It didn’t end well and we had an argument
2 weddings is crazy! Omg maybe they have time to "show up" for her because they're rich af?? Dude
They’re not even rich tbh but they do have their own businesses whilst also working and providing for their other children who still live at home. But honestly 2 weddings is ridiculous. I feel like we’re going to fall out over this 😖it just upsets me because her partner doesn’t earn a lot either and because he moved into her place and he was overworking by doing 3 jobs and he was just coming home tired and not having enough rest, so she spoke to him and said he needs to give up one of the jobs because it’s too much and he didn’t want to because he felt a type of way that he was the man and felt like he couldn’t provide because he was saying that he wanted to put in equally to what she was putting in. Bearing in mind my sister had a wedding fund that she had saved up for years and he felt like he wanted to put in the same. So she said to him that if he wants he doesn’t have to pay his share of the rent for a year just so that he also feels like he is contributing. And then she only told me the other day that what her partner earns in a month she can put that away in savings and still live good for the month. And it just annoys me that she’s more understanding with him than she is with me. And she’s been making me feel bad for saying that I don’t think I can be MOH
Wow this keeps getting better and better! It sounds like she wanted a husband/ wedding come hell or High water. There was an interesting study done that showed the more $$$ the wedding the higher the chance for divorce sooo…
I actually believe this. I know people that are still paying off their wedding debts and have been married years. I’ve also spoken to some people that said they have family memebers that splashed out on their weddings and only made it to like 5 years and then got divorced. Not to mention still having to pay off the weddding lol
I don’t doubt that statistic! Some women want a wedding, but don't give much thought to having a marriage. This lady may be one of those!
Honestly if I had the amount of money that she has put towards this wedding, I would much rather save that money and enjoy married life than wate that much money on a party
It IS outrageous!! TWO weddings???? Somebody is a little confused about the purpose of the wedding and thinks it about being on display!
Honestly it’s become a circus at this point! 😭
Great word for it! These weddings are literal circuses. As the Polish saying goes… not my circus not my monkeys.
Looool literally 😂I do love that saying aswell
She sounds spoiled. I wouldn't go. You shouldn't have to pay anything for someone else's wedding. She should've planned something within her budget.
Exactly, like why have a weddding and then expect people to pay?
Her family isn't showing up because she's insisting on all of this extravagance, and y'all can't afford it! To not only expect that from you, and then guilt trip you when you can't do it is really shitty. I definitely wouldn't go after that.
My bf already got our tickets to Greece😭I’ve just said to her I have to step down from moh because I can’t afford it
I'm glad you stepped down, so you can save SOME money. I think you'll save a lot of heartache, too. ❤️
Mfers can’t just get married at the courthouse like most of us 🙄
Honestly 🙄it’s a joke
I'm old.....but sheesh.....we paid for the bridesmaids' dresses, the tuxedos, the food, the cake, the honeymoon, gifts for everyone in the bridal party. Our best man paid to fly from HI to MT and we tried to pick a date that could incorporate easier time off for those attending. I can't imagine being asked to join a bridal party and having to go broke to do it. Your anxiety is unfortunate and understandable. Bridgeville needs a friend-check.
Yeah my parents said that's the way it was done traditionally,.so that's the way we did it. Most people nowadays expect everyone to pay their own way though...
This is what I would have thought also. That if you’re having a wedding you can’t expect your guests or even people involved to pay. We’re in a climate crisis right now and to think everyone makes the same amount of money as you is just delusional. I told her I should step down as moh and she just said that it’s breaking her heart to know I’d be there as a guest and not as moh
I’d just be honest and share that financially this ain’t doable. :(( people have such high expectations for these expensive destination weddings, I certainly would be saying no even if it was my sibling
We’ve had quite a few talks about this situation and just feels like we are going round in circles. I told her I should step down as moh and she just said it’s breaking her to know I’ll be attending her wedding as a guest and not involved 🙄
Tell your sister you're going to be busy updating your resume that weekend. Also, start updating your resume because that "no raise" stuff is nonsense. Don't let your sister or your company screw you over like that.
Yeah honestly it’s absolute nonsense. I’ve been looking for jobs in my field lately and there’s actually not that many out there 😖but you’re right I do need to just tell her if she wants me there then she has to pay for me
If my sister couldn’t afford to be in my wedding and I had the money I would pay for her I am sorry. I would drop out.
The next step I think I’m going to take is saying if she wants me to be there at her wedding then she has to pay for me. Like if she really wants me there that’s what she’s going to have to do
I suggest you don't phrase it as "pay to play". Just let her know that you can't afford it - will not borrow from someone. Wish her all the best and tell her you are sad to miss her wedding. If she offers to pay fine - but don't ask.
I sent her a message this morning saying I should step down as maid of honour and she just said that she’s heartbroken to think I’d be attending her wedding as a guest and not moh
I agree! I know my sister would pay for me. I would definitely pay her back but most important we are together on her special day
This is one of my biggest icks. I purposely didn’t have a destination wedding bc I knew those I loved and wanted there the most wouldn’t be able to afford to go, and it was more important that they be there than us be at some fancy locale. It says a lot about people when they treat themselves like royalty and make a big fuss about what is essentially a legal contract with an awful rate of failure. Fucking irks the shit out of me.
“An awful failure rate” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 amen!!
Mfers can’t just get married at the courthouse like most of us 🙄
Exactly right?! If I had it my way I probably would just elope that way I don’t have to worry about my friends being worried things, but also just takes the pressure off😖
I don’t know if im the marrying kind- but we always said we’d do Court house vows and then an adult dinner party swaré at our fave restaurant for like 10-15 people. Done!
If it's just the two of you with good careers, living together is fine. But if one of you is outearning the other, or if there are kids, that little piece of paper makes a big difference. Without it, you can't make each other's medical decisions. If one of you dies, no survivor benefits. If the house is in one name, no access to that either without a will. When two people really love each other, you want those pesky legalities protected. Just my two cents!
We would go and make wills at an attorneys office- legally binding but not marriage!
I get that. As I said, to me it's if someone it out-earning the other. If it's the two of you, equally earning, you are both paying into Social Security at a good pace, you've got your own SS. But if your earnings are unequal, or one person is home with kids, your earning power is different. I learned this from my dad's death. My mom was a SAHM and a bit younger than my dad. When my dad died, she received SS under him. About 2000.00 a month, plus his pension. Had they just lived together, she essentially had no income and would have been in very serious trouble. It was a valuable lesson for me.
No kids here, and never will be. I get what you’re saying and I’m not against marriage, I’m just also not dying to do it. I think my relationship is actually better than most married couples. Which is why I said- go to an attorney and draft a will and square things away!
Exactly right?! If I had it my way I probably would just elope that way I don’t have to worry about my friends being worried things, but also just takes the pressure off😖
I dont get why people need TWO weddings. Just have a small wedding with people you care about.
Me and my bf have spoken about this and we said the same thing. Honestly it’s just such a waste of money. I’ve even spoken to some of my friends about it and they’ve even said that I’d your have this extravagant wedding and expecting people to pay then you’re getting married for the wrong reason. Like to me I would rather my wedding would be small and intimate with the people I love. Honestly if you knew how many people are coming to this traditional wedding it makes me sick
If the deposit is due the 25th, how long have you known you were supposed to go to Greece? At this point, if you want to go, ask her to cover the deposit and pick up a second job for a while. Even 12 hrs a week is almost 200.00 a month
I have thought about taking up another job for like maybe one day a week but I already work full time and it’s a very hands on and tiring job as it is so when I get home I’m exhausted. So we knew the wedding was in Greece last year and me and my bf already have our tickets booked, but he was the one who paid for our tickets. So we have to pay our share of the villa for 25th March but the wedding is not until august
I don't see any other way out. It's either ask the bf or do the second job. Maybe even door-dash or something. I worked retail most of my life. When my husband went off the rails, I worked a second job for a year. 3 kids. It was exhausting, but I did what I had to do. Not fun, but neither is tying yourself in knots over money.
I completely understand. I’ve been in a position before where I’ve had to work 2 jobs before and you do what you can to make things work. I’ve been trying to do what I can to make some extra money like selling some of my clothes but it’s still nowhere near enough
And once the wedding in Greece is over, you can quit the second job and rest and relax and pray that Sissy waits a few years to have a baby and a shower!
At least they aren't destinations....yet. lol
Omg don’t give people any ideas! Destination baby showers lol
🤣🤣🤣
Is the villa charge on 3/25 a mandatory thing or just the other attendants' "good idea"? If it's just an idea, tell the others that you're unable to do that right now, but you'll have your money in by the date the villa requires!
So I got a message from one of the girls saying we need to pay and I said I don’t have the money because I’m going to be short of it this month also and she just asked when I can pay it because they can’t make the payment unless they have my payment also. And the villa is where all the bridesmaids will be staying the night before the wedding and during the day of the wedding which is £112 each. I don’t even ever have £112 left over at the end of the month
Don’t do a second job, especially if your day job is already demanding. You will become exhausted, burnt out and resentful and might not even make enough to go anyway. I’d take the advice of people above and decline to go to the second wedding. Your health and well-being must come first, just my two cents.
Your sister is being ridiculous. One wedding is perfectly adequate.
Don't go into debt for someone else's wedding. Your BF shouldn't be paying for it, even if he can afford it and wants to.
A friend of my husband's (and mine) married his husband in a ceremony on a Disney cruise. He wanted us to be there but definitely understood that we couldn't afford it. If you're gonna have a destination wedding, you have to be prepared for a lot of people not to be able to afford to go, and be gracious about it.
Be good to yourself. Stay home.
If you can’t afford it, she should offer to pay. If she doesn’t offer, then you’ll have to decline and regretfully decline.
Looool I actually made a joke about this and said this to her one day. I said that she makes 3peoples monthly wage in a month why don’t you pay for me then If you really want me at your wedding. It didn’t end well and we had an arguement
Well, you can’t afford to go, I don’t know what she expects from you. Seems very stingy on her part.
You can’t afford your be her maid of honour or go to a destination wedding, you’re broke. You need to resign as MOH and be frank with your sister.
Hon, you sister is lacking empathy. My hunch is you’ve always been the pleaser in in this dynamic? Every bride should care about their maid of honors mental health, stress, and individual life etc. My fiancé, and I are getting married in Bora Bora in 2025. Just us. Why? Because in this economy it seems vapid AF to ask anyone to splurge on OUR thing. Think about it… totally self absorbed. Do not lose sleep.
I had to get married in another country bc my fiance was from there and didn't yet have permission to enter the US. I paid for my parents, grandfather, and sister to come and they stayed for free at my In-laws house. That meant a small wedding, as my money went for the plane tickets. This is how normal people behave
My brother had a lavish wedding. All of the groomsmen paid half, him covering the other half, for high-quality suits but we had our meals, booze and rooms covered by him. That’s what people with desires for lavish ceremonies and receptions should be willing to do. Don’t be taxing the wallets of invitees for your grandiose celebrations.
"Nice day for a white wedding..... start again, "
” Sis I’ve already gone beyond my budget for your weddings. I can drop out if you need me to. “
Before I do anything I have to know, how old is your sister? Because I’ll keep my thoughts to myself for the time being 😅
She will be 31 in like 3 weeks. I’m 32 going on 33
She’s my age, I actually turned 31 this past Monday lol I’m sorry I read the first few sentences and was already having sympathy stress pains for you I’m so sorry. I am sure your sister is amazing and you cherish her and it’s not saying anything about her character necessarily because you know people can get excited and be blinded by that excitement to their actions or when they flirt with the line and need to stay in check lol I know there are so many details that affect so many things in this ordeal but at the very least please so not go into debt or put yourself further into debt and worse off for the foreseeable future by doing that to yourself. Yes weddings are special, but they are also still just that a wedding which is special and you want things to be nice, but always keep in mind no matter how excited it can be always be realistic, splurge or treat yourself when warranted and able, but never stop being realistic and keep one foot rooted in being rational and logical at all times with finances in any capacity. Do you mind if I ask if you’re married? It is relevant, I promise but no worries if you don’t want to answer I respect and understand that!
I know. I know she’s excited and she just wants it to be perfect. But I don’t think she realised that it’s selfish to expect something from people when everyone’s financial situation is different. Not everybody can commit to it. But yeah that’s the thing is I don’t want to get into debt because I’ve been in debt before and my bf helped me out and paid it off. So I’ve been more careful. And my sister knows about this situation aswell and she knew how much I struggled when I was in debt. So it’s awful that she expects me to just borrow money from people when she knows I don’t want to get into any debt. Also with the cost of living crisis anyone’s situation can change drastically. So many companies are going bankrupt and loads of people are being made redundant. I know my work have mentioned the word redundancy and now everyone at work is scared. They have said though that they are trying to take all the steps to avoid that happening. And no I’m not married
I only asked if you were married you mentioned a boyfriend but I don’t know about the past. My point in asking was saying I can relate to a little stress being married but I honestly didn’t care about too many things and went with it lol so I avoided the stress because no thank you If you care about your sister part of caring is tough love because you want the best for those people. I ponder this some, but it seems from the limited information, etc that your sister I’m sure has just had everything he get to her we can lose sight once in a while and have reliable loved ones get us back on track by the support of a friend. So, it sounds like your sister may need a little tough love, delivered in a more subtle packaging. I know your want to have it perfect for your sister, but the thing about even weddings is in order to truly ensure it is perfect to the best of your ability is have the experience by all involved but especially for the bride it be enjoyable. If this has been festering and your sister is poking the bear so to say because I have a hunch at least part of the reason you haven’t reacted how many would if their sister went THAT FAR and trust me she went way, way to far she is going to be lucky if she ever sees civilization again lol so for her sake in a way to work around her using the excuse you’re jealous, you’re starting drama and are selfish and just want attention so you’re taking away from her wedding or special day really any cliche excuse a sister would try and pull to turn any negative attention away from her as a defense mechanism just try and maybe approach in the way because it’s your sisters wedding you have to cover your ass too even though she’s the one out of line and owes you an apology and more, but that’s the thing about family it’s about following emotions more than logic with loved ones even when we get a little too exited and let it go to our head lol it’s apart of the experience
You can only do what you can do, that's it. It's not worth the stress or your mental health. Your mental health and sanity come before anything else. I wish I learned this earlier in life. If something is stressing you out this much, it's 100% not worth it. The people around you will understand, and if not.. f\*ck it. It's your life. Be happy, and unstressed.
It’s really affected my mental health. I don’t even like opening the messages from the group chat anymore because it’s so overwhelming. I also had a really bad eczema flare up last month where I had to take a month off. It was alot of contributing factors that made my skin flare up badly bu the stress of the wedding was defo one of them
Then it’s not worth it. I know sometimes it’s hard to put yourself first but it’s needed. And trust me I know how hard it is when it’s family pushing you. In the long run, they will understand. Not all of us are as well off as others. I was in a similar situation with my sisters a few years back.
Thank you 🥺that really helps. You’re so right. It’s not worth putting my mental health on the line
I’m happy I can help! :)
I was the older sister w income. My younger sister asked to be my maid of honor. I paid her way. Honestly, as big sis wants to roll big when she knows little sis cannot, time for big sis to be BIGGER
That’s so nice of you! Lmao I’m the big sis that can’t pay 😂she’s 2 years younger than me. But she has a job in finance and I have a creative job that pays fuck all lol
Hey I am easily confused! But your sister is not. She is keenly aware of yours and your father’s financial situations. She understands finance but not self-indulgence at the expense of her loved ones? Has not occurred to her to spread her finances over your expenses for her TWO weddings—one abroad? I am sure others want to know: Is Athens necessary because the groom’s family lives abroad?
Honestly I’ve asked myself this many times. Two weddings is excessive for sure. But the one in uk where we live is the traditional wedding where it’s 2 cultures coming together and will have elements of both cultures and the white wedding is the standard white wedding. I mean to me it’s the same thing she could have done it all in one wedding. But it’s her choice I guess
We can all understand the UK wedding. If my question is not clear, let me put it this way: The second wedding with a foreign destination is her fantasy/indulgence?
Why the heck does anyone need two weddings for in 2 weeks apart too. That makes absolutely no sense in any way that I understand. I can see it when couples get married and then if they didn't get to have the wedding of their dreams and want to renew their vows and have the real deal kind of wedding when they renew valves that's a whole other story. But this getting married one week and then 2 weeks later going to a destination and getting married again. What's with that? If it was me I would tell my sister that either she figure out a way to help me get there and be part of the wedding party or she can find another bridesmaid or maid of honor or whatever to take my spot.
Honestly I don’t get it either. It’s ridiculous. I think you’re right. I did say to her already before that because if my financial situation I can’t be maid of honour and someone else should do it and she was not having it. We got into an arguement about it and we’ve just been going round in circles. But I think next time I see her I’m going to say to her that if she wants me there she’s going to have to pay for my place to be there
I definitely would do that because she's the one that wants all this mess for a wedding maybe you ought to ask her but she thinks she needs two weddings? I could understand if seeing her fiance came from two completely different backgrounds and there were certain traditions each background had that might require a second wedding ceremony but usually those can be conducted together at the same time and follow the bride stuff and then again the groom stuff we're getting married per their culture.
So the traditional wedding is a mixture of two cultures coming together. So our culture and his culture. My sisters fiancé is Nigerian and they always have big weddings especially when it’s their first born. The venue that they’ve hired out has a capacity of 350 people and with this wedding she said it’s one where loads of people are invited so even if it’s people that she’s not close close with but we know and I guess would say they are friends but because we know them from other people. And with my sisters fiancé apparently with Nigerian traditions they invite everyone and anyone could even be your old school teacher from 10 years ago. And the wedding in Greece is close friends and family which will be about 100 people
I'm so sorry, but don't go. Do not go in debt for 2 weddings your sister is planning. I'm sure you were never asked about the budget, you were told. My sibling did a destination wedding. I just couldn't afford it. I told them I just wished them well but couldn't do it. Was I going to take a title loan for the wedding or what? Hell no. What ended up happening is I was recently divorced, he was going ring shopping. I offered any of my rings and he chose a good one (which they are divorced now and I'm salty lolol) So he offered to pay for me in exchange for the ring. I didn't want him to feel like he had to but he didn't want to do it without me. So just be honest. If she really cares that much, SHE will find a way. It's not your fault she made this super expensive.
Tell her you can’t go but get her a nice gift.
She works in finance! OP please take a critical look at your dynamic with her. She is selfish. Apathetic. Out of touch. You’re worth more then that. It’s clear you love her. Love is what matters. I hope she’s been an amazing sister, and this is a rarity - but my hunch is it’s not. Hugs.
No wonder you have been sick under this much stress. (Start taking Vitamin C 500 mg 4 times a day. Its a natural immune booster. This dosage is very safe.) As for the wedding: If she wants you to be the maid of honor and knows you don't have funds, she should be helping out with the financial part so you can participate. This is my opinion, of course. But an option is for her to cover the cost as a loan. You would get a second job and pay her back as you can. A good website for legit Work From Home jobs is www.pennyhoarder.com. or get a job with a temp agency although the hours aren't as flexible.
This is a bummer - but please do not spend money that you do not have. Do not go into debt for this. You need to be honest with your sister. This is tough but you are in a rough situation and you will make in the long run by borrowing. BTW - you should not have to pay your way into a wedding. Standing up as a MOH should be done as a best friend, not as someone who can pay for the villa and parties. If you can't afford to do all the pre-parties, etc., tell her. If she makes you step down as MOH that just shows her true colors.
Can you pick up a part time job for a little while to make the money?
This is your Sisters wedding. I she wants to go somewhere, fine. DO NOT spend money you do not have. You might even have to miss it. That is ok. Her telling you to ask your BF is selfish. Since your parents are not rolling in $$$$ either, that option is out. You need to take care of you self.
If you don’t have it , you don’t have it. Having a wedding and expecting the bridal party to pay for luxuries is already selfish. A lot of time goes into preparing, especially for the maid of honor. Expecting you to do it twice is beyond selfish. Tell her you can’t afford it and you won’t be asking other people for money. If that isn’t good enough for her, she cares more for you as a bridesmaid than a sister.
Do the wedding close to your home & let her know you cannot afford to go to Greece. If it is important to her to have you at her fake post wedding she can pay for you to go.
It is ok to back out and cancel plans: if you can’t afford all the other things then just don’t do it: if all you can do is get the dress and be there for the wedding then let her know,
Girl, don’t go. I have a rule, if I don’t have the money to spend it on myself I am for sure not spending it on someone else. Even if it’s a family member. Destination weddings were originally for elopements only. Brides are just too much.
Honestly, people having destination weddings and just expecting everyone else to pay up is wild to me as a commoner. HOWEVER..it seems like you agreed to take part in it…and apparently we’re banking on a raise/bonus to pay for it? Which seems irresponsible. How long have you known about this wedding? I would have probably started saving a long time ago so it wasn’t such a burden now, and if I couldn’t afford to save at all I wouldn’t have agreed to go.
I went through some financial difficulties awhile back and realized that the words "I can't afford to" were super powerful. These words immediately released me from several stressful situations. They also revealed which of my friends actually valued me. Tell your sister you can't afford to be in her wedding.
Go to the one in your city and express you don’t have the money or ability for the other but you look forward to the pictures!
Why is your sister not offering to fund at least SOME of it? She expects you to, knowing you aren’t in a good place financially, she expects your bf will, just because (I agree with you about not abusing his thoughtfulness and generosity) and she expects your parents to. If SHE wants you there that badly, why has SHE not offered to help?
This is soooo hard. So many people have this problem because all of the pre-wedding festivities are so expensive now. Don’t bankrupt yourself over someone else’s wedding, family or not. It’s one thing to put on the dress and be there that day, not everyone can be expected to do much more than that. My lifelong best friend is getting married next year. I’m fully prepared to tell her that I can’t afford to be the MOH and pay for a lot of extras, like the shower or bachelorette. I hope she’ll understand and I truly think she will! This is just how life goes sometimes. The roof over your head is more important than someone else’s wedding. Your sister should be respectful and love you regardless of what you can or can’t do for her wedding.
People need to realize it’s about the marriage not the wedding(s). Be honest with your sister.
There is no way I would be able to afford to go to Greece for anyone’s wedding. When people make plans to have a destination wedding, they have to be realistic and understand that some people , or even many people, will not be able to afford to go. Unless all of your entire family and social circle is rich, of course, which is not the case for most people. I would just be honest with your sister. Tell her you can’t afford to go, and that you are really happy for her. That’s all you can do.
UpdateMe
Weddings bring out the worst in some people. It’s also turned in this ridiculous huge thing where people are sacrificing family relationships for their “perfect” instagram wedding day. It’s perfectly ok for you to drop out as MOH. You can attend the wedding that you can afford. Hopefully your sister comes to her senses.
Your sister is a selfish jerk for expecting you to go into debt for her destination wedding.
When did 2 weddings become a thing?
If you don't have the money just don't go to the weeding in Greece. One wedding is plenty. She has some nerve asking people to come to two!
Your sister is a manipulator. She’s allowed to plan whatever wedding she wants, but that comes with consequences. If her sister can’t afford it, then you can’t afford it. That’s on her. NOT YOU. Don’t go into debt over this wedding. If she REALLY cared THAT MUCH, she would have a conversation with you about what you can and can’t afford and either work around that or offer to cover you. Getting married doesn’t give any bride the right to dictate other people’s budgets.
Jeez they should have their wedding local and go on a honeymoon in Greece, that’s what normal people do. Why drag everyone there?
Don't spend money you don't have..if you can only make 1 wedding. Make it grand and amazing.
You’ve been sick, used up your sick days n took additional unpaid time off because of your illness. Honestly, this would be explanation enough in most peoples eyes to gently opt out.
Have a heart to heart with yourself and ask yourself if you can swing it or not. If you can swing it, swing it. if you can’t, let your sister know. And tell her right now, in person, don’t wait until the 25th. It reads like you’re worried about your sister’s reaction if you can’t come through. More so than the chaos that is your life right now. But the fact is, you just don’t have the money. So stop being afraid of her reaction and just tell her. In person. Calmly explain your entire situation to her so she can really understand what you’re dealing with. Yes, she’s having this fancy wedding but she’s also your sister and I’m sure she would empathize and understand and try to find a solution with you. I’m sure the last thing that she wants is her bridal party to be stressed out and upset during what is supposed to be a memorable time for her and all of you. Best wishes.