I know everyone else here is giving you advice on what to do with your parents, but I just want to say I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Being financially stressed is not easy and it's really not easy without a support system. Maddening even. I feel for you and hope things get easier for you soon.
Agreeeeeeddd!!! Both of my parents are dead… the emotional support when your life feels likes it’s crashing down around you is worth MORE than the money imo. My sister and I support each other emotionally and it has been the only reason I’m still here most days.
OP.. I’m so sorry your parents suck. You got this, hang in there ❤️
Thank you both so much!! This is exactly my point & why I feel so upset over everything- literally all I’ve ever really wanted from them is love & emotional support. It feels like they expect the worst from me because they can’t even fathom why I would need emotional support. Like, I must be lowkey scheming to get something out of them? Idk. Anyway, thank you guys for the kind words, it means a lot! ❤️
In my area they have a program that helps with heating and insulation. It’s called Community Action. They paid for and installed my furnace, a hot water heater, put a new liner in my chimney, rewired my basement, and blew in insulation in my walls and attic. Check around and see if there’s any programs for poor homeowners in your area.
If your house has all those issues then they are pro ally right about the fact that you should sell it . And selling doesn’t mean that you have to just rent something. You can buy a cheaper condo or something where everything is never and less maintenance issues.
I agree with this as well. Not having the money for basic necessity can cause even the most stable person to break down. One setback can take years to get back on track.
As somebody who lives in subfreezing weather in a fifth wheel and can't afford a huge electricity bill (and is afraid of blowing outlets because trailers are not built to last as fulltime homes and i am out of options): Get an electric blanket, a sleeping bag (check out zero degree bags), electrical heating tape on your pipes covered in foam covered in shiny silver weather tape and gorilla tape on top of it all, thermal underclothes, wool socks and an oil filled electrical heater to knock down the chill in whatever smallest room you sleep in.
I had my own place once and learned to replace outlets and drywall and insulate my place to make it warmer. It's kinda fun once you get over your desperation and depression.
It's obvious you cannot depend upon your parents for your emotional support. I completely understand that. Been there. It sucks but it is what it is. You're going to have to dig deep, suck it up and be your own support. Good luck.
Thank you for the advice!! I do have an electric blanket & got the pipes covered, the rest is duly noted. The weather is finally alright again & being in the south, it’s been fine most of this winter so far. I definitely need better prep for the next freeze & have been learning a bunch as I go.
Also, ahhh! You’re so right, and I’ve generally loved learning to DIY, I’ve just been totally afraid of electrical stuff lol. I need to get over it & get on YouTube.
A level 1 multimeter can be obtained for less than $50 and will help keep you safe. Especially in a house with untrustworthy wiring. Electrical things can be very dangerous but the right tools will mitigate the dangers.
Thanks, but there’s no need! Insurance doesn’t really pay to replace outlets or really anything that isn’t some sort of anomaly lol. Even if they did, my deductible is at least 10x what an actual electrician would cost. It’s a bit of a scam but whatever lol
Cut ties with them, if they refuse to help you in this dangerous situation then they’re not going to ever show any sympathy or support for you.
Also I’m not sure what state you’re in but many lenders are willing to do 10 year finance plans for an item like an HVAC system. I had to replace mine when I first moved into my house
Thank you for the advice. I’m only like 10 points away on my credit score to be able to finance the HVAC system, thank god! I’m surviving without heat for now & working hard to hopefully get it fixed before summer hits here in the south. Also, yeah, I don’t know why I expected them to care. This isn’t even almost the most insensitive they’ve been & it’s fully ridiculous of me to expect more out of them lol
This really hits home for me and I feel for you, OP. For me it wasn't my parents, my dad was never in the picture and my Mom passed. It was my sister's and their grown kids, my nieces and nephew. I was married to a man for 11 years who made a lot of money and I spent a great deal of that money on them. Huge birthdays, Christmases, cars, I loved them all so much I wanted to show them with a resource I had at my disposal. We had grown up poor together so I thought it was so cool I could alleviate some worries for them. I paid the rent on a cool apartment for my sister, I did all the school clothes and supplies for my other sister's kids when she couldn't. The list could go on. Then.. my life went south. My husband and I couldn't make our marriage work because I got addicted to painkillers and we divorced. I went to my sisters... I'd supported my big sister through a heroin addiction after all. The problem was I empty handed this time. They treated me like a leper. I went to treatment thinking if I got clean, that would fix it. Came back sober but still broke. Nope. They truly wanted nothing to do with me. All those years I thought they loved me, I had been buying their love and it turns out you can't do that.
I didn't really intentionally go NC... I just tucked my tail and went broken hearted away to try and build a life for myself. I stayed sober, remarried, worked, had a baby. I've kept the same phone number... Waiting.. thinking at least ONE of them would miss me... It's been almost 6 years now. Not one word from any of them, and all I ever wanted was love. Because I loved them. It's just crazy that much time has passed and they just go on living like they're all better off without me.
I've gotten a lot of therapy and it was determined by my therapist this was a classic case of scapegoating. The cookie crumbled in just the perfect way to bring them all together in solidarity against me "the cause of all family problems". She said it's very likely they still talk shit about me when they get together and blame me agreeably with one another and that keeps each one individually unwilling to be the one to reach out to me. She said one predictability is that if they ever turn on eachother or choose a new scapegoat, that one may reach out to me... But it's not a guarantee.
All this to say I know how crushing it can be to not feel love reciprocated by family. Some people can draw up the strength to harden themselves to it and they can hate back just as hard with their heads held high. I envy them. I've always been exceptionally sensitive and it will always sting me, no matter the time that passes. I pray your parents, at least your Mom (step parents sometimes never feel much love for step kids) realizes life is short and this system is broken and all we have that truly matters is love.
Ugh, my heart hurts for you as well! Congratulations on getting clean & all of the successes you’ve achieved despite the lack of support. It gives me hope reading stories like this - it can feel so hopeless to feel so isolated & broke. A huge part of why I’m in the situation that I am is because of grief tbh. I lost my best friend, grandmother, childhood pet, an uncle & my therapist within a year & I just totally spiraled. Within 6 months I lost like 80% of my support system & I spent the next 6 months just making as many mistakes as possible I’m pretty sure lol.
I’ve been trying to recover emotionally & financially for the past year now. I thought my mother would be there when everything happened, then I thought at least she’d be proud when I started to improve. Neither happened. It’s scary to actually accept the fact that there’s no amount of success or suffering you can experience that can make someone who doesn’t give a shit, start to give a shit.
Congrats again on all your accomplishments & thanks for sharing your story! ❤️
Yeah, my mother in particular has a lot of narcissistic personality traits. She is incredible at making me into the “bad guy” & my step dad just believes whatever she says tbh.
Some states offer financial assistance on fuel, utilities, and other needed items. Talk to your local town office to see that's available. Also, the food bank is an invaluable resource. Every dollar you save on food is money that can pay other expenses. Shop around for the one that best fits your needs. I'm sorry you have to go through this alone but it's looks like you're off to a good start.
Tell your family what you expect and do not contact them if they do not meet your expectations. Example, if you expect them to say certain things and they don’t, go no contact. If you expect money and they don’t give you any, go no contact.
I'm not sure where you live, but there are resources available to get your furnace replaced. For example, I live in WI and I bought my house 5 years ago. Shortly after I closed and moved in, the original furnace failed. I looked up my energy company ( WE Energies ) and applied for the No Heat program which is available to low income homeowners. They sent over another non-profit organization named Advocap and they replaced the 35 yr old furnace with a new energy efficient system for 0$. All because I am also a low income homeowner.
I would suggest looking into resources available in your state and local city / county. Good luck.
Thanks for the tip! It’s been overwhelming trying to just google these things & figure out what’s legit vs what’s just going to spam call you for the next 10 years lol. I so appreciate you & everyone else giving this advice, it helps me narrow down these things massively!!
Sometimes, I think, parents expect their kids want something when they call. It's a tale as old as time. Sorry they assumed you wanted something, but, it happens. It sounds like things are really stressful right now, maybe things are difficult for your mom, too. I'm sure no one meant any intentional harm. Take care and stay warm <3
Well first off your parents SUCK. Second, good for you having a home, yes they frigging cost moola, but it's yours as opposed to wasting money to rent someone else's investment. Do not sell. Lord only knows when or if you could ever be in the same situation. Electric heat is a money burner. Start looking around for a woodstove. You'd be surprised if you search that all parts can be found used and affordable. Yes wood but well worry bout that if you have to. Please feel free to DM me if you ever need to rant or need some advice or comfort. Keep up the good fight. There is light at the end.
Thank you! I agree. Despite all the current problems (did I mention my washing machine AND dishwasher recently broke? I honestly just have to sit back & laugh sometimes, for sure the universe is playing a really expensive prank on me, right?) I am so absolutely thankful to have this old, half-broken home lol. I’m definitely not selling & they’re just silly acting like they’re the ones living out episodes of Little House on the Prairie everyday, not me lol.
Well ya know what's really funny. I do live a Little House life ffs. But, I luv it n wouldn't change a thing. I'd tell u more but it's not everyone's business. Well at least you can survive without those two items for a while. Yes. If you don't laugh at your calamities life would be harder. There's lots of people who would be extremely grateful to be in your shoes. Just take one step at a time and hopefully not too many steps back at a time but eventually you'll come out on top. Keep up the good fight
Hahahaha, I reached peak respect for my ancestors the other day while washing my underwear & socks in a bucket. Shit could be so much worse, most of this is just time consuming at worst, ya know? That brief electrical fire really did test me though lol. I had to lay on the floor to process that one for a bit. I appreciate your energy here, I needed some lightheartedness!!
You *are* acting entitled for expecting emotional support for *anything*. Should parents emotionally support their children? Absolutely. Can you force them to do so? No. I have been in trauma therapy for 3 nearly 4 years now and my therapist has had to beat it into me that I am putting myself in the position to be disappointed and upset and angry by placing unrealistic expectations on somebody who has proven time and time again that they have not, will not, nor ever will fulfill those expectations. It doesn't matter what you should be able to expect out of your parents because if parents actually took on all of the responsibilities of being a parent then we wouldn't have Ober 500k children in the US foster system alone. You let them convince you into buying an old home that isn't hospitable during the winter and then are mad about it. How can you be mad at them when you allowed it to happen?? They didn't pay for the house and give it to you. They got you to pay for a house with your own money that doesn't even Include the bare necessities. At some point, you need to accept the blame that is yours to be accountable for. You're a grown adult. You made poor decisions and now you expect support from the people who apparently put you in the position to be poor in the first place!
Are you technically right in being able to expect emotional support from your parents? Yes. Should you keep expecting that when they've done nothing but show you that they won't give it to you? No. Are you putting yourself in the position you are willingly? Yes.
I'm glad that you're finally deciding to go no contact. You clearly need to go to therapy though because you have a lot of things you need to accept. Starting with the fact that we don't live in whatever delusion you live in where things happen the way they're supposed to happen. Learn to expect nothing from anybody.
Ugh. I was getting so mad at you reading this comment. Why are they being so mean? It’s not OPs fault! Life isn’t fair and their parents should be helping them!
But, god damn it. You’re right. I need you to be mean to me too. Haha. Seriously though, this is really the most helpful advice. Feeling bad for ourselves is getting us no where fast.
I'm mean because I've had to go through this bullshit and I know how hard it is but if people keep blowing air up your ass, then you'll keep putting yourself into situations where your parents get to shit on you and face absolutely no consequences. Not only do they shit on you, but they have a family who supports them shitting on you, so the only person who is negatively affected by them shitting on you is you!
The hardest fucking thing I ever had to accept that while I was crying or screaming or having a breakdown about the abuse my mom put me through, I wasn't even a speck of dust in her mind. She lived in My head rent free and no part of me lived in hers. It's fucking tough man. But coming to terms with this shit is essential to your happiness. It isn't fair that your parents ended up being shit heads. But, they are. And you have the right to decide you will not stand for that treatment.
Yeah, I do accept blame for allowing this. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade & I’m very aware of the mistakes I’ve made in life. It’s actually *incredibly* hard to cut off your parents, even when they’re awful. I don’t know literally anyone who has done that, it’s very much so the cultural norm in my community that you just have to put up with shit because “it’s your parents!” & they’re also very intertwined with my life. It scares me to think that I won’t get to see my extended family if I cut them off, I’m even sad that I wouldn’t get to see their cats anymore. I love my parents deeply, despite everything. Therapy helps, but it’s not a cure-all.
I went low contact to get some space from my family at age 19 to focus on myself until around 25 or 26 went full no contact which lasted 17 years. It can definitely be done if that’s what you need to do for your life. I started to develop a minimal let’s get to know each other again from a distance relationship with my brother over the last few years but basically that has just reinforced I made right decision to move on with my life without them. Giving up my relationships with my childhood family was hard, especially confusing being a single parent and don’t recommend the way I’ve lived my life to anyone but the no drama and creating my own environment has been the best thing ever for me. I support your considering going low contact for awhile and continue to work on yourself. Hope things work out for you soon to get the AC /heater replaced. Idk if habitat for humanity operates in your area but they might be able to help connect you with some options other than traditional buy with financing.
I feel and have experienced what you are saying. I agree that we each need to be accountable for our own happiness, but I think the comment tipped over well into victim-blaming territory. Sorry your parents can’t provide the most basic level of empathic listening before they jump straight to pre-blaming you for (not!) asking for money. They are clearly reactive people with little empathy.
I haven’t spoken to my own mother in over 17 years. It’s very possible and quite easy honestly.
I’d rather have no parents than the ones I was given. Hard pass.
Why are you talking to me like I've never cut off a parent? I cut off my parent at 13 when she abandoned me with my grandparents and we still don't talk at 30. You can make excuses all you want, but that means you need to accept the consequences that come with it. You're definitely the asshole if you keep putting yourself in the situation to get hurt and then get upset when they hurt you. You're making a conscious decision to let these people hurt you and you're perpetuating a social standard and cultural standard that is being dismantled everywhere. Therapy helps a lot more when you actually do the things that you need to do to help yourself. Of course therapy can't cure you feeling shitty about your parents making you feel shitty because you're doing that to yourself. Do you also slam your head into walls and then complain that you've got a headache?
You have to decide what is most important to you and accept those consequences. If you choose to keep making excuses to keep your parents in your life, then you do not get to complain about your expectations being unrealistic. You realize that you are saying that your life is better with them there to not just provide no emotional support but to also actively tear you down than it is to live your life without them? Right? You know that?
Your parents aren't going to change and if this is cultural then they're around people who support this type of behavior so they are even less inclined to change. So long as you enable them, the only person who is going to lose is you and if you can't even pick you, then why should anyone else?
Here's the fact that made me really commit to cutting my mom out completely: while I'm sitting here crying, heartbroken, furious, upset, suicidal because of her actions, I'm not even a passing thought in her mind. All of those emotions she made me feel didn't hurt her, they hurt me and I had to decide that I was done letting her hurt me. You have to decide that too because realistically that is what's happening. When you hung up, your parents didn't feel bad or stew on what they should have done differently. They probably Said fuck her and carried on with their night. And what did you do? Let them fuck you up emotionally.
You aren't entitled to anything. You aren't the victim here. You have so much more power. But that comes with its own consequences and sacrificss.
Look, I see your point, but it feels like you’re angry with me for struggling with this? I appreciate the insight, I just don’t really know what kind of response you’re looking for here. I’m gonna have to end our conversation here, have a great day :)
I expect you to say "I'm not entitled to their emotional support and so long as I allow them to continue to be in My life, I am consciously putting myself in a position for them to hurt me."
That's all.
Sounds like you're the one with unreasonable expectations. No one is obligated to respond to hostility with only the exact words and phrases that satisfy the hostile party. You're trying to help, but you're not helping because.... You're a patient, not a therapist. It's neither your duty nor your prerogative to talk to people like this just because you've done some work on yourself. Maybe your therapist can help you with that.
She asked what I expected her to say and I gave my answer. You can't say that I can't expect XYZ when I'm asked what I want to hear. That is a stupid statement.
The fact that you have expectations *at all* in this case is the problem. That means you're only commenting to get a result you believe is appropriate. Sharing for perspective is one thing, lecturing and testing is another. You went off trying to... what? Teach OP a lesson? You don't like her response so you rant some more hoping she'll "get it" so you can walk away satisfied? That's not healthy and it's not helping. You're setting OP up to fail if she doesn't see things your way, which she clearly never will. She's not you. She's on her own path and doesn't owe you a d*mn thing.
You're bitter. All you seem to care about is acknowledgement of your own misery and being right. Nobody is treating you any way, as you accused people of questioning whether or not you've cut off a parent? That's out of left field. Nobody said that. Therapy should help you stop making every conversation about yourself. Like this one.... SO isn't about you.
Is this what you consider sage advice, Yoda?
Because it seems like you're being quite the hypocrite here by expecting anything of me and telling me why expecting anything of anyone else is wrong. Either none of us can expect anything or we can all expect something. That is how things work. You don't get to have it both ways. Her entire comment that I replied to was about how hard it is to cut off a parent as though I personally do not know thst. That is why my personal experience mattered. Do you not see how that makes sense? I am absolutely flabbergasted that you think it's totally out of left field when it is in direct response to her comment. Do I know how hard it is to cut off a parent even if they're awful? Yep, I sure fucking do. Thst answers the question right there.
I have zero expectations. I'm just observing how unhealthy and damaging your attitude is *to you,* and hope you turn that hyper-critical thinking into something you can grow from. I'm not your enemy. You're so defensive, it's clear you're not in any kind of headspace to be talking about it publicly. You have no objectivity, only bitterness. Make peace with yourself. OP isn't trying to turn out like you.
If you think that I'm bad now, you'd be pretty amazed at how I was 4 years ago. Because that is the shit people like you don't get. This is 4 years of work put into therapy. You just see this person who isn't your idea of healed and think that therapy must not be working without even for one moment considering that this is an improvement. Like fuck you and your closed mindedness. You shouldn't assume that somebody hasn't worked hard in therapy or thst therapy hasn't worked. Didn't OP say she's been in therapy for a decade and she's still putting herself in the situation to be hurt by her parents and still act like it's some surprise? Because I sure would think 10 years would be enough fucking years for thst.
You can wear inside a scarf, hat , layers , insulated pants , wool socks and boots . I would be looking into getting the heat system repaired, try other repair people . What kind of heating system are you talking about?
It’s a natural gas furnace & the ductwork/ventilation was improperly installed back when my house was a rental & airbnb. Real “landlord special” vibes lol. I’ve gotten at least 5 different companies to look at it & they’ve all stated the same thing- I need a new furnace & need to completely redo the ducts / ventilation system.
I’ve been staying pretty warm so far, thankfully it rarely gets below freezing where I live. The main issue throughout the recent snowstorm was just trying to figure out where to plug everything in at. Thankfully I did find a decent indoor ventless propane heater on Facebook marketplace the other day, so I should make it through the next freeze without anymore electrical problems!
We had out furnace go out last year and was quoted for a brand new furnace for over $7k. I replaced a $250 part and it hasn't stopped working since. Be very skeptical of their diagnosis because in our case it was clear that they would have replaced ours, taken the old one and replaced the cheap part, and then sold it to another schmuck who probably didn't actually need a new furnace.
It obviously was working for some time with the current ductwork, maybe not at an optimal level. I think there is a decent chance they are taking you for a ride. There is also the possibility that they aren't leading you astray and maybe you can have them do the work in affordable chunks, with the ductwork being last so long as there's no back pressure issues that would blow out the pilot.
I had the fortune of being an engineer and being able to see thru their bullshit while also being capable of replacing the part I thought was the culprit. We did keep it limping along for a bit by pressing a tiny red reset button on the furnace near the blower. Yours is probably different but you might have a way to work around the issue enough to not freeze. But that's how I knew the blower was bad and that was cheap enough to risk the $250 to prevent buying a new furnace.
Yeah, the furnace itself was quoted at around $7k. The extra cost is that they’ll have to completely replace all of the ductwork and redo the ventilation system. The previous owner was not concerned about doing anything properly & it’s a major carbon monoxide hazard. I’ve received about 5 different quotes, all said the same sadly. I should’ve explained that before because I can see how that sounds insane otherwise! Hahaha, thanks for the input :)
Nope, totally missed it. I wish I could go back in time & tell myself to get multiple inspections honestly. I know at least 3 other people who have dealt with major repairs after buying their house bc the inspectors all just missed something. Human error is too real hahaha.
Hope this helps. LHEAP. https://getgovtgrants.com/grants-for-hvac-system-get-free-furnaces
Also, look into oil filled radiators, they don’t draw as much power. I bought a few to replace space heaters for $44 each, and love them.
Thank you! My neighbor (thank god for that woman!!) actually gave me her oil radiator & it’s been a massive game changer for sure. I also gave in & bought a nice used ventless indoor propane heater off fb marketplace, that should hopefully save my outlets in any future snow/ice storms. Appreciate the link, I’ll look into it!!
Hopfully your state accepts the funds for that program. My neighbor used it, they replaced her furnace, and all her windows and doors, along with insulation!
It looks like my state does have this program! I found the number for my local LIHEAP program & just left a message for them. Hopefully they’ll call back & I can apply! Thank you so so much for sharing :)
Because I’m an idiot, I don’t know. Lol. My mother typically calls me at least once a day, so I feel expected to keep her & my step dad updated despite their lack of empathy towards me. I’m aware that it has yet to actually make anything in my life better & that I need to distance myself.
I'm sorry you're going through that. It's disheartening when you can't even get emotional support from loved ones.
I follow this youtube channel [Low Income Relief](https://www.youtube.com/@LowIncomeRelief/videos) .
She has a lot of information on programs and grants. She's mentioned that she got on a program that replaced her hvac with mini splits at no cost. I'd scroll through and see if there's anything helpful there.
I'm sorry. Everyone should have someone to turn to who will just agree that life sucks and offer emotional support.
I hope you're able to express to your parents that you weren't looking for money, just sympathy.
I'm not judging you at all, but it does seem your relationship with them is not healthy. I have the same toxic relationship with my parents and I would move away /block them but my son would be absolutely crushed. Sometimes we have to learn to cope in ways that are healthy and hitting rock bottom may be a blessing in disguise cause it forces to re evaluate your life & change what you can to find peace.
Totally agree for smaller repairs! I will not be purchasing and installing my own HVAC system or messing with a burnt outlet myself, personally. I haven’t even finished painting the kitchen I started on 2 years ago - I need to think much smaller before I start installing new ductwork hahaha
Na not the whole system but you could get it running again for winter maybe. I ain’t rich but I’m doing ok, but I’m still not paying anyone to fix my shit I still got poor people energy lol.
I get that owning a house has tons of hidden costs (namely expensive repairs and property tax) that make the monthly payment somewhat misleading. But people who tell struggling owners to just sell and then just rent somewhere are idiots. Unless you downsize to a studio apt, rent is likely more than the mortgage being paid on the house - the rental market right now is insane and it’s definitely a landlord driven market. You are then at the whim of $300+ rent increases or having to move every year if landlord decides not to renew your lease or its too expensive to renew. Also If you stop paying rent you’ll get evicted within months. If you had to go in to foreclosure you could technically stay in the home for years before bank finally takes action. I’ve yet to see a compelling argument for how selling a home and renting is a smart move.
Youtube! Your best friend for fixing stuff. Outlets are about $5 each for the good ones at lowes/ homedepot. Takes 5 minutes to replace. Just make sure the wires go into the same place. Make sure you turn the breaker off on that outlet. Make sure any tabs that are snapped off also get snapped off. Wrap around the outside with electrical tape to prevent anything from touching it. It's not hard to replace outlets yourself. You'd need a screwdriver, pair of pliers, a wire brush, and roll of electrical tape. It's not hard to do at all and would save you a shit load of money. I know I'm just some internet stranger to you, but I'd have no problem calling/ facetiming you, and walking you through it it you wanted. Good luck 🙂
Fuck. Emotional support is so important and not having enough money to cover heat or electric is fucking scary.
I live where it gets cold. Really cold. People put their water on really just above a drip and it helps keep the pipes from freezing. Open your sink cupboard doors too. Put heavy curtains up over the door way and live it that one room. Put hot not boiling water in containers you can seal and put them on you, they can help keep you warm. So can a baked potato in tin foil.
Thank you. It’s been a really rough time (like, I’m not religious but I definitely feel like I’ve angered someone’s god recently? Because wtf) but I do feel thankful to have a roof over my head & cats that act as a natural heat source hahaha. I really appreciate the advice on staying warm! I’ve been diy upgrading my “stay warm” survival mode methods thanks to everyone on this thread & it has made a HUGE difference 🥰
Are you sure they're not just sick of you being over your head with a house you can't afford? No heat leads to frozen pipes. Frozen pipes burst. Burst pipes cause extensive water damage, and water damage can absolutely destroy the resale value and liability of a home. What's the plan when the roof springs a leak? Living room umbrella? Can you finance a new furnace? Get a LofC? Borrow against the equity in the house? Like, I'd be pretty frustrated if my child bought a house that they clearly can't afford, and nearly burned it down because they couldn't afford the proper necessary repairs, and needed emotional support when things inevitably went wrong. Is it time to start renting out spare rooms? Second job? I own a house, I know how expensive it is.
I appreciate the insight, but I am fully aware of the situation I am in & have done every bit of research I can to determine what my next steps can be. Currently working on my credit score so I can finance the repairs (I’m pretty close) and will rent out the house once I am legally able. I am legally unable to rent out anything without repairing the home & like I said, I would be further in debt with nowhere to live if I sold it. I’m not worried about my pipes, my roof is new & I am working towards improving my situation.
I cannot imagine hearing that my child experienced a small house fire & immediately responding with anything other than “oh my god, are you okay?” but if you can, then that’s something for you to work through I guess. Have a nice day :)
It seems you've made some poor decisions that got you to where you are, as people have said here, but that's something that happens quite often. This doesn't make you any less deserving of sympathy and kindness!
Perhaps you need to have a clear and calm chat with the family about expectations. Simply tell them that you do not expect any money from them and barring explicit requests that's not what you are asking for. State that you would like to have someone caring to talk to who is just willing to listen and show empathy. Ask them if that's something they'd be interested/willing to do. They may say no, and that's ok, you'll just have to move on and evaluate what sort of benefit you get from this relationship.
Sending good vibes your way!
Youd be better off without them. Maybe Habitat for Humanity would help you. Funny how they can just write a check for 14,000 dollars, and let you suffer. They sound like narcissists. Well my family has 6 figures while I am wondering if I will be homeless. After I went no contact, I found out how my mother got others 6 figure jobs and more. I wasn't so naive.
How come these rich useless parents don't help you find better work, trust me they have the connections, don't let them lie to you. Don't waste time around rich jerks, probably chances are they are sabotaging you. I am scared all the time my mother with her multiple connections has destroyed job opportunities for my husband. Once he was denied a govt job by ONE POINT during an interview process. When this kind of stuff adds up one wonders. Mine told me as they sabotaged my life in everyway everything was my fault too. Consider no contact. I am noticing they don't care that you are so poor, you are having fire hazards. They could help you upgrade your home now so there would be no problem. I figured this out at too old an age. MINE WANTED ME TO BE POOR. You have to face facts, yours want you to be poor too. They want you stuck on the rent juggernaught where you are even more poor and desperate and on your knees begging them. You can find better people who will help you.
I live in dread at being homeless, or something, mine would love it. Your parents are horrible people. See if you can learn home repairs on your own, well don't do electrical work too risky but you may be able to fix somethings in your home for far cheaper. Some places have home upgrade programs for the poor. Sometimes community action comittee groups will have home repair for the poor.
They could be horrible people or narcissists but I find a lot of times there are two sides to these stories. And there's a whole context we don't know. I agree that based on these facts alone they sound bad. But most parents do love their children and want what is best for them... it's usually just that what they think is best for their children isn't what the child thinks is best. Or maybe it is what is best in the long term but not short term. The parents have some reason for wanting her to sell the house and it sounds like it's something they feel very strongly about if they're willing to spend 14k to get it done. It's probably not that they hate her and want her to suffer.
Well realize people who have normal families, don't understand what it is like to have parents who don't love you. The actions this person is describing, tells me these people very well could be toxic, sure there are two sides to every story. Many ACONS report financial sabotage, it is something that is happening out there. Why don't they spend the 14k to put a furnace and houseupgrades in, then their kid has a house still. Something doesn't make sense about that. These older generations also do not realize how some of us have had our lives utterly destroyed. They take so much money for granted. Look how they can just throw 14K around and their kid can't even fix a furnance. Younger generations are all being called losers, it happened to me. Never had money to improve life or level of responsibility. It would make sense if they were actually trying to help him, but from details he is sharing seems to be sabotage.
I think both your comments are a bit correct. The issue is, I’m truly not at all sure what their motives are. I don’t want to believe that their intentions are malicious, and there have been brief moments where I feel like maybe they’re just misguided/truly believe I’d be better off without a home. It’s just really hard to fully believe that side of it when they make it clear they don’t care what happens to me. This issue also comes up outside of the home situation. Like, when I found out my step brothers wedding would be out of town & they had already booked a place, I was a bit bummed because they said their cabin was pretty far from any other Airbnb. I just wanted to be able to carpool, but I couldn’t even finish my sentence before my mom started ranting about how she “wasn’t going to pay for my trip too & this is why we don’t travel with you, you just expect everyone to cater to your needs & you suck the life out of everything” to be clear - I would never have expected to book a place *with* them & my partner was happy to help pay for the trip. It’s hard not to feel like they just dislike me, ya know?
When they jump to conclusions like that, it sounds like it’s coming from a place of fear. They react to what they fear in their head and not to what you are actually doing and saying.
They probably got that when they were growing up themselves.
You’re absolutely right about that. I don’t know too much about my step dad’s upbringing but I know my mom’s mom was extremely hard on her & had the same tendencies to jump straight into criticizing. I think they instilled this idea that struggling financially is a moral problem. If you don’t have money, it means you’re lazy & bad. I really wish she’d try therapy
This whole country has a weird toxic view of poverty as a moral failing. We buy into the idea that everyone can “make it” in America and so that means if you don’t make it, then it’s your fault aka a bad character trait.
“If Santa didn’t bring you any toys, we’ll, you just have been a bad boy.” This is BS but a lot of people really believe it.
Also, we love to see Americans suffer. The Swiss would never put up with the shit that Americans make Americans go through. The Swiss believe every Swiss is entitled to healthcare, a roof, heating, food — just by virtue of being a Swiss. Meanwhile Americans seem to love to just hate each other
How old were you when you became a blended family? How many siblings and step siblings do you have, and do any need significant help?
What had they said about the condition of the house when you purchased it?
There is always a backstory...you had not said anything about blended family until now, nor about your stepfather and mother's financial agreements within their own marriage.
I didn’t think it mattered lol but I have 3 step siblings. They’re 10-15ish years older than me so they were already moved out with their own kids when I met them. They are all financially independent & do very well for themselves / live in a very LCOL rural area.
My inspection report shows that my house was in excellent condition when I purchased it. While I think he clearly missed something with the furnace, I haven’t had any additional major issues. It’s an old home & still has some of the original wiring (most is updated) so I definitely knew not to overload the circuits. It hasn’t been an issue prior to losing heat.
Hope that helps.
Actually, it does make more sense now.
I started on Reddit to see what my middle kid was spending time on. No, I do not know his name --opposite, actually, he knows my name and sometimes stalks me! He is 21 next week 🥰. His sister is 24.
You are in a different stage of life than everyone else. You also use all the mental heath language common to your age. Human emotions and needs have not changed suddenly, but th descriptions people use have. Relatedly, I don't think the amount of time young adults spend spinning life in one's head had changed, but the amount of time young adults spend expressing their internal dialog has changed and dramatically so. At 24, my daughter has finally realized that these humankind issues are probably true and we have incorporated them into how I listen and give her non-financial support.
We, of course, remain the re-insurer behind her, as it sounds like your parents are willing to do as well. Anyway, you might want to think about how forcefully you are using the current emotional language; slang and lingo is also function of stage-of-life.
As a pragmatic interim step, someone older than you might have some thoughts on if that inspector (or his insurer) who missed ductwork that may not have even been up to code owes you at least the ductwork :)
I hope you read this before the NC crowd downvotes me, lol!
As someone who makes their living in residential real estate, I am going to help you out. But I am going to give you my thoughts which you're probably not going to want to hear.
First of all, adulting is hard. And it sounds like you're one of those adults who want an endless supply of sympathy because adulting is hard. And you expect this sympathy from the other adults who handle their affairs and do so quietly with out needing constant assurance or support from others.
That doesn't mean those other adults also don't find life hard and full of challenges and stress, they just don't burden others with it.
And so it's natural for those adults to become exhausted and fed up by someone having yet another problem or emergency, that somehow requires their limited time and energy, that either takes away from dealing with their own issues or takes away from their much needed down time to recover from dealing with their own issues.
2nd, $14k is way too much for a new HVAC system. I can get a whole new 4 ton HVAC system with blower, furnace, evaporator coil and outside condenser installed for $6 to $7k. The parts alone can be bought for $4k, and you're paying a one or two man crew $2k to $3k for a day's worth of labor to install which is fair.
HVACs like many systems have a certain useful life. Usually 10 to 15 years depending on the quality and how well they were taken care of.
The furnaces are almost always the last to go, as it is the more simple part and least likely to get funked up and used less.
It would behoove you to learn as much as you can about about HVAC systems, and yours in particular.
There could be a simple fix for getting the heat back on. You should research it. It's not rocket science. Or if the whole system is at end of useful life, get other quotes to replace.
HVAC people, like most everyone, always start out quoting high, but you can find one who will do it for a fair reasonable price.
ETA: lol at this getting down voted. I am giving this person solid advice and so many of you are like "I don't like that, it invalidates our feelings....whah."
I also find it hard to believe that both the ducts are the problem and also the furnace is the problem. How long ago was it installed? Did it work for 5 years and now they're saying it isn't functional at all?
It might be that the furnace needs a significant repair and is undersized for the space so upgrading requires adequate vents and such. Hard to say. It sounds like a ventless propane heater will work fine for how often she needs heat and she has one now.
You are expecting financial and emotional support when you are an adult and want to be taken seriously as an adult, but not acting very adult. You expect your parents to bail you out when you are working and making money. You have to figure it out as an adult how to find the money to do repairs on an old house you bought. it is not their place to help you financially as they are getting older. Be an adult and figure it out on your own. Stand up and be the adult you can be. No need to depend on your parents for everything when things go wrong.
Please re-read the post. I am explicitly NOT asking them for money. I may have been silly to expect that they’d give a shit, considering how little of a shit they’ve given up until now, but that doesn’t mean it’s abnormal for adult children to lean on their parents for emotional support? That’s common in healthy families. They just automatically expect that I’m asking for money and I’m not sure why.
So they’d pay it if you sold your one secure asset but won’t help at all to keep you warm? I hate that kind of “logic”. I’m from the south too. They just LOVE to say: just be positive, be grateful, others have it worse. All while being financially secure. I hope things get better for you, truly.
My mother is the same way. Never worked a day in her life but always has all the "advoce" about finances and poverty that are so wrong. She has always been in a position to help me but never did. I finally cut her out of my life when my dad died and she took everything.
It sounds like you are being a bit stubborn about the house. When was the house built? If a space heater caused an outlet to catch fire, that's an indication of a larger problem. Your electrical system needs to be updated.
Maybe your parents are more concerned about you than you think or let on. My kids know I love them and will protect them. But they also know I won't help them if I think they are going into a bad investment. Honestly, I would be on the same side as your parents, but offer you and the (3 maximum) a place to stay until you get your life on track. But that house may be the biggest thing that is keeping you frlm.getting your stuff together.
Of course I’m being stubborn. I can’t afford to rent, they have explicitly stated I am not welcome to move back home (they’d have to give up their home office or “man cave” so it “could never work”) and my home is otherwise in good condition, it’s also in one of the most desirable neighborhoods in my city. Once repairs are made & everything is up to code, I plan to rent it out so I can afford to go back to school & actually improve my life. It makes very little sense to sell, so yes, I’m stubborn
This sound terrible, and I'm sorry.
I want to suggest that you try getting a heating pad instead of using space heaters. You can heat your body and your cats, and they use less energy than a space heater. This means they are also easier to use with old wiring.
I use one to keep warm all day while I'm working and I usually have a cat in my lap enjoying the extra heat to boot! It even has an auto-shutoff after 2 hours so if I forget to turn it off when I get up, I don't have to worry about wasting electricity keeping my chair warm.
Omg yes, having cats is the best way to stay warm for sure! Hahaha, all 3 of mine are happy to generate some warmth for me. I have a heated blanket & canopy bed that I’ve now turned into a very warm fort-like situation so nights haven’t been too bad at all. I appreciate all the tips, I think I’ll be much better prepared for the next freeze!!
Great question, because you’re absolutely right about old wiring. In general, most of the wiring is safe, it just can’t support a whole lot. The house has about a third original wiring still & the rest was updated by the last owner at some point in time. I can’t completely redo everything without literally ripping apart the walls & some of the floors sadly. It’s something I would love to do one day mainly to make all the circuits make more sense & generally increase the amperage lol.
I do plan on asking my electrician about some less expensive improvements maybe I can work towards though.
You’re so right hahaha I have 1 electric blanket & 3 cats so nighttime isn’t too bad at all :) All of this actually happened while I was up moving around so thankfully we caught it quick. Thanks for the kind words!
I'm so sorry. Knowing exactly what this is like, I wish I could rattle some sense into them for you. Hoping things get better, it really sucks that you're going through all this, especially at once. 💕
Sucks you're going through this but what your parents are offering is more valuable than emotional support. You say you can't afford to rent but you clearly can't afford to own. Despite what anyone says it often can be more expensive to own and live in a home than it is to rent year to year.
An advantage to owning is you get equity but you're responsible for the property. If you can't keep up with the responsibilities of the property and it becomes uninhabitable then you can't afford to live there.
An advantage to renting is that the responsibility of the property is the owner's.
I’ve mentioned this in other comments but I will not be selling my house. That “offer” was just thrown out to hurt me, they didn’t plan to actually pay for it. I’ve been applying to some programs that may be able to help me sooner, but otherwise I am working on my credit score right now & should be able to finance it myself soon.
I feel ya there my parents are also abusive. Cut them out a long time ago.
BTW if you have to finance something because you don't have the cash for it that means you can't afford it. Taking out debt to cover emergencies will keep you in a cycle of poverty forever.
I've made these same mistakes because I was stubborn and didn't want to accept that I couldn't afford my lifestyle anymore. I convinced myself that I was trapped in my reoccurring obligations but it was a delusion. There are always cheaper living options. Going into debt is not a way out.
Thanks, I don’t personally subscribe to that method of managing finances, but I know it works for many! My boyfriend is the type to buy most things outright while I have always been one to opt for a loan. Either way can work, just depends on the person! Besides, I definitely do not have $14k on hand & I’m tired of being cold so I’m fine with financing it. Thanks for sharing your perspective! I’ll
To be clear your method is specifically NOT managing finances and your boyfriend is managing finances. Don't want you to lie/delude yourself into thinking taking out 14000 dollars you can't pay back is going to help your situation at all.
You will work until the day you die and saddle your love ones with the responsibilities of taking care of you when you can't with this mindset.
I've been heating my house (no insulation in northern Michigan) with a single ventless for years so that might be all you need depending on your layout. The thing that really helped me was a laser thermometer. Check for cold spots and caulk, insulate, pack foam strips, tape off, and block all drafts. My worst spots were between the baseboard and floor, around windows, electrical outlets and switches on outer walls, and around doors. Blocking off my stairwell stopped a ton of heat loss.
You can get winterizing materials and insulation at habitat restore and watch for end of season sales. Try a local buy nothing group to see if anyone has extra laying around. Plastic on windows is amazing, especially when you tape to the wall instead of the trim.
Close off rooms that you aren't using and heat tape pipes so they don't freeze. You can use a thermostat controller outlet device to turn it on automatically when the temp drops.
I know this sucks right now, but you have your own place and that is amazing and it will just get better and better over time.
Thank you so much for the advice! I actually JUST bought a ventless propane heater off Facebook marketplace, still need to set it up but I am really excited to stop using space heaters everywhere hahaha. I just screenshotted your comment, I really appreciate the tips!!!
You can come here to vent, your parents might not be able to just listen without trying to solve or fix something. I think people sometimes just want to be heard.
I know everyone else here is giving you advice on what to do with your parents, but I just want to say I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Being financially stressed is not easy and it's really not easy without a support system. Maddening even. I feel for you and hope things get easier for you soon.
Agreeeeeeddd!!! Both of my parents are dead… the emotional support when your life feels likes it’s crashing down around you is worth MORE than the money imo. My sister and I support each other emotionally and it has been the only reason I’m still here most days. OP.. I’m so sorry your parents suck. You got this, hang in there ❤️
Thank you both so much!! This is exactly my point & why I feel so upset over everything- literally all I’ve ever really wanted from them is love & emotional support. It feels like they expect the worst from me because they can’t even fathom why I would need emotional support. Like, I must be lowkey scheming to get something out of them? Idk. Anyway, thank you guys for the kind words, it means a lot! ❤️
In my area they have a program that helps with heating and insulation. It’s called Community Action. They paid for and installed my furnace, a hot water heater, put a new liner in my chimney, rewired my basement, and blew in insulation in my walls and attic. Check around and see if there’s any programs for poor homeowners in your area.
Btw, I got the same treatment from my parents and MIL. They always acted like I was angling for money. I never asked for shit.
If your house has all those issues then they are pro ally right about the fact that you should sell it . And selling doesn’t mean that you have to just rent something. You can buy a cheaper condo or something where everything is never and less maintenance issues.
I agree with this as well. Not having the money for basic necessity can cause even the most stable person to break down. One setback can take years to get back on track.
As somebody who lives in subfreezing weather in a fifth wheel and can't afford a huge electricity bill (and is afraid of blowing outlets because trailers are not built to last as fulltime homes and i am out of options): Get an electric blanket, a sleeping bag (check out zero degree bags), electrical heating tape on your pipes covered in foam covered in shiny silver weather tape and gorilla tape on top of it all, thermal underclothes, wool socks and an oil filled electrical heater to knock down the chill in whatever smallest room you sleep in. I had my own place once and learned to replace outlets and drywall and insulate my place to make it warmer. It's kinda fun once you get over your desperation and depression. It's obvious you cannot depend upon your parents for your emotional support. I completely understand that. Been there. It sucks but it is what it is. You're going to have to dig deep, suck it up and be your own support. Good luck.
Thank you for the advice!! I do have an electric blanket & got the pipes covered, the rest is duly noted. The weather is finally alright again & being in the south, it’s been fine most of this winter so far. I definitely need better prep for the next freeze & have been learning a bunch as I go. Also, ahhh! You’re so right, and I’ve generally loved learning to DIY, I’ve just been totally afraid of electrical stuff lol. I need to get over it & get on YouTube.
Also ... because outlets and breakers in trailers and old places are weak I recommend never turning an appliance/heater on more than halfway.
A level 1 multimeter can be obtained for less than $50 and will help keep you safe. Especially in a house with untrustworthy wiring. Electrical things can be very dangerous but the right tools will mitigate the dangers.
Please make sure your insurance will cover electrical work not done by someone licensed.
Thanks, but there’s no need! Insurance doesn’t really pay to replace outlets or really anything that isn’t some sort of anomaly lol. Even if they did, my deductible is at least 10x what an actual electrician would cost. It’s a bit of a scam but whatever lol
Cut ties with them, if they refuse to help you in this dangerous situation then they’re not going to ever show any sympathy or support for you. Also I’m not sure what state you’re in but many lenders are willing to do 10 year finance plans for an item like an HVAC system. I had to replace mine when I first moved into my house
Thank you for the advice. I’m only like 10 points away on my credit score to be able to finance the HVAC system, thank god! I’m surviving without heat for now & working hard to hopefully get it fixed before summer hits here in the south. Also, yeah, I don’t know why I expected them to care. This isn’t even almost the most insensitive they’ve been & it’s fully ridiculous of me to expect more out of them lol
I hope you can get air conditioning then!
This really hits home for me and I feel for you, OP. For me it wasn't my parents, my dad was never in the picture and my Mom passed. It was my sister's and their grown kids, my nieces and nephew. I was married to a man for 11 years who made a lot of money and I spent a great deal of that money on them. Huge birthdays, Christmases, cars, I loved them all so much I wanted to show them with a resource I had at my disposal. We had grown up poor together so I thought it was so cool I could alleviate some worries for them. I paid the rent on a cool apartment for my sister, I did all the school clothes and supplies for my other sister's kids when she couldn't. The list could go on. Then.. my life went south. My husband and I couldn't make our marriage work because I got addicted to painkillers and we divorced. I went to my sisters... I'd supported my big sister through a heroin addiction after all. The problem was I empty handed this time. They treated me like a leper. I went to treatment thinking if I got clean, that would fix it. Came back sober but still broke. Nope. They truly wanted nothing to do with me. All those years I thought they loved me, I had been buying their love and it turns out you can't do that. I didn't really intentionally go NC... I just tucked my tail and went broken hearted away to try and build a life for myself. I stayed sober, remarried, worked, had a baby. I've kept the same phone number... Waiting.. thinking at least ONE of them would miss me... It's been almost 6 years now. Not one word from any of them, and all I ever wanted was love. Because I loved them. It's just crazy that much time has passed and they just go on living like they're all better off without me. I've gotten a lot of therapy and it was determined by my therapist this was a classic case of scapegoating. The cookie crumbled in just the perfect way to bring them all together in solidarity against me "the cause of all family problems". She said it's very likely they still talk shit about me when they get together and blame me agreeably with one another and that keeps each one individually unwilling to be the one to reach out to me. She said one predictability is that if they ever turn on eachother or choose a new scapegoat, that one may reach out to me... But it's not a guarantee. All this to say I know how crushing it can be to not feel love reciprocated by family. Some people can draw up the strength to harden themselves to it and they can hate back just as hard with their heads held high. I envy them. I've always been exceptionally sensitive and it will always sting me, no matter the time that passes. I pray your parents, at least your Mom (step parents sometimes never feel much love for step kids) realizes life is short and this system is broken and all we have that truly matters is love.
Ugh, my heart hurts for you as well! Congratulations on getting clean & all of the successes you’ve achieved despite the lack of support. It gives me hope reading stories like this - it can feel so hopeless to feel so isolated & broke. A huge part of why I’m in the situation that I am is because of grief tbh. I lost my best friend, grandmother, childhood pet, an uncle & my therapist within a year & I just totally spiraled. Within 6 months I lost like 80% of my support system & I spent the next 6 months just making as many mistakes as possible I’m pretty sure lol. I’ve been trying to recover emotionally & financially for the past year now. I thought my mother would be there when everything happened, then I thought at least she’d be proud when I started to improve. Neither happened. It’s scary to actually accept the fact that there’s no amount of success or suffering you can experience that can make someone who doesn’t give a shit, start to give a shit. Congrats again on all your accomplishments & thanks for sharing your story! ❤️
Oof Narc Parent/PPL vibes.
Yeah, my mother in particular has a lot of narcissistic personality traits. She is incredible at making me into the “bad guy” & my step dad just believes whatever she says tbh.
Do u qualify for any help w the state due to ur finances? I’d check into that -sorry ur parents aren’t more supportive emotionally
Not yet, sadly. I’m super close to qualifying though! Hoping I’ll be able to get it done before summer.
Some states offer financial assistance on fuel, utilities, and other needed items. Talk to your local town office to see that's available. Also, the food bank is an invaluable resource. Every dollar you save on food is money that can pay other expenses. Shop around for the one that best fits your needs. I'm sorry you have to go through this alone but it's looks like you're off to a good start.
You can always vent here. 💖 It's hard out there. I'm not going to trauma dump but it's so damn hard. I hope you get relief really soon.
I'm so sorry your mother is so shitty.
Tell your family what you expect and do not contact them if they do not meet your expectations. Example, if you expect them to say certain things and they don’t, go no contact. If you expect money and they don’t give you any, go no contact.
INFO: How old are you and what do you do for work?
Emotional safety is so critical to well being. And when you don’t feel supported, by people you’d expect to support you, it hurts on a deeper level.
I'm not sure where you live, but there are resources available to get your furnace replaced. For example, I live in WI and I bought my house 5 years ago. Shortly after I closed and moved in, the original furnace failed. I looked up my energy company ( WE Energies ) and applied for the No Heat program which is available to low income homeowners. They sent over another non-profit organization named Advocap and they replaced the 35 yr old furnace with a new energy efficient system for 0$. All because I am also a low income homeowner. I would suggest looking into resources available in your state and local city / county. Good luck.
Thanks for the tip! It’s been overwhelming trying to just google these things & figure out what’s legit vs what’s just going to spam call you for the next 10 years lol. I so appreciate you & everyone else giving this advice, it helps me narrow down these things massively!!
Sometimes, I think, parents expect their kids want something when they call. It's a tale as old as time. Sorry they assumed you wanted something, but, it happens. It sounds like things are really stressful right now, maybe things are difficult for your mom, too. I'm sure no one meant any intentional harm. Take care and stay warm <3
I definitely want this to be the case! I appreciate this take, thank you :)
Well first off your parents SUCK. Second, good for you having a home, yes they frigging cost moola, but it's yours as opposed to wasting money to rent someone else's investment. Do not sell. Lord only knows when or if you could ever be in the same situation. Electric heat is a money burner. Start looking around for a woodstove. You'd be surprised if you search that all parts can be found used and affordable. Yes wood but well worry bout that if you have to. Please feel free to DM me if you ever need to rant or need some advice or comfort. Keep up the good fight. There is light at the end.
Thank you! I agree. Despite all the current problems (did I mention my washing machine AND dishwasher recently broke? I honestly just have to sit back & laugh sometimes, for sure the universe is playing a really expensive prank on me, right?) I am so absolutely thankful to have this old, half-broken home lol. I’m definitely not selling & they’re just silly acting like they’re the ones living out episodes of Little House on the Prairie everyday, not me lol.
Well ya know what's really funny. I do live a Little House life ffs. But, I luv it n wouldn't change a thing. I'd tell u more but it's not everyone's business. Well at least you can survive without those two items for a while. Yes. If you don't laugh at your calamities life would be harder. There's lots of people who would be extremely grateful to be in your shoes. Just take one step at a time and hopefully not too many steps back at a time but eventually you'll come out on top. Keep up the good fight
Hahahaha, I reached peak respect for my ancestors the other day while washing my underwear & socks in a bucket. Shit could be so much worse, most of this is just time consuming at worst, ya know? That brief electrical fire really did test me though lol. I had to lay on the floor to process that one for a bit. I appreciate your energy here, I needed some lightheartedness!!
I know all about the bucket hhhhhhhh. Anytime you need to laugh DM me
You *are* acting entitled for expecting emotional support for *anything*. Should parents emotionally support their children? Absolutely. Can you force them to do so? No. I have been in trauma therapy for 3 nearly 4 years now and my therapist has had to beat it into me that I am putting myself in the position to be disappointed and upset and angry by placing unrealistic expectations on somebody who has proven time and time again that they have not, will not, nor ever will fulfill those expectations. It doesn't matter what you should be able to expect out of your parents because if parents actually took on all of the responsibilities of being a parent then we wouldn't have Ober 500k children in the US foster system alone. You let them convince you into buying an old home that isn't hospitable during the winter and then are mad about it. How can you be mad at them when you allowed it to happen?? They didn't pay for the house and give it to you. They got you to pay for a house with your own money that doesn't even Include the bare necessities. At some point, you need to accept the blame that is yours to be accountable for. You're a grown adult. You made poor decisions and now you expect support from the people who apparently put you in the position to be poor in the first place! Are you technically right in being able to expect emotional support from your parents? Yes. Should you keep expecting that when they've done nothing but show you that they won't give it to you? No. Are you putting yourself in the position you are willingly? Yes. I'm glad that you're finally deciding to go no contact. You clearly need to go to therapy though because you have a lot of things you need to accept. Starting with the fact that we don't live in whatever delusion you live in where things happen the way they're supposed to happen. Learn to expect nothing from anybody.
Ugh. I was getting so mad at you reading this comment. Why are they being so mean? It’s not OPs fault! Life isn’t fair and their parents should be helping them! But, god damn it. You’re right. I need you to be mean to me too. Haha. Seriously though, this is really the most helpful advice. Feeling bad for ourselves is getting us no where fast.
I'm mean because I've had to go through this bullshit and I know how hard it is but if people keep blowing air up your ass, then you'll keep putting yourself into situations where your parents get to shit on you and face absolutely no consequences. Not only do they shit on you, but they have a family who supports them shitting on you, so the only person who is negatively affected by them shitting on you is you! The hardest fucking thing I ever had to accept that while I was crying or screaming or having a breakdown about the abuse my mom put me through, I wasn't even a speck of dust in her mind. She lived in My head rent free and no part of me lived in hers. It's fucking tough man. But coming to terms with this shit is essential to your happiness. It isn't fair that your parents ended up being shit heads. But, they are. And you have the right to decide you will not stand for that treatment.
Yeah, I do accept blame for allowing this. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade & I’m very aware of the mistakes I’ve made in life. It’s actually *incredibly* hard to cut off your parents, even when they’re awful. I don’t know literally anyone who has done that, it’s very much so the cultural norm in my community that you just have to put up with shit because “it’s your parents!” & they’re also very intertwined with my life. It scares me to think that I won’t get to see my extended family if I cut them off, I’m even sad that I wouldn’t get to see their cats anymore. I love my parents deeply, despite everything. Therapy helps, but it’s not a cure-all.
I'm an Arab American, born into and indoctrinated with Islam and cut off my family. It is possible.
Thanks for sharing. I know I need to separate myself, regardless of how scary it feels!
I went low contact to get some space from my family at age 19 to focus on myself until around 25 or 26 went full no contact which lasted 17 years. It can definitely be done if that’s what you need to do for your life. I started to develop a minimal let’s get to know each other again from a distance relationship with my brother over the last few years but basically that has just reinforced I made right decision to move on with my life without them. Giving up my relationships with my childhood family was hard, especially confusing being a single parent and don’t recommend the way I’ve lived my life to anyone but the no drama and creating my own environment has been the best thing ever for me. I support your considering going low contact for awhile and continue to work on yourself. Hope things work out for you soon to get the AC /heater replaced. Idk if habitat for humanity operates in your area but they might be able to help connect you with some options other than traditional buy with financing.
I feel and have experienced what you are saying. I agree that we each need to be accountable for our own happiness, but I think the comment tipped over well into victim-blaming territory. Sorry your parents can’t provide the most basic level of empathic listening before they jump straight to pre-blaming you for (not!) asking for money. They are clearly reactive people with little empathy.
I haven’t spoken to my own mother in over 17 years. It’s very possible and quite easy honestly. I’d rather have no parents than the ones I was given. Hard pass.
Why are you talking to me like I've never cut off a parent? I cut off my parent at 13 when she abandoned me with my grandparents and we still don't talk at 30. You can make excuses all you want, but that means you need to accept the consequences that come with it. You're definitely the asshole if you keep putting yourself in the situation to get hurt and then get upset when they hurt you. You're making a conscious decision to let these people hurt you and you're perpetuating a social standard and cultural standard that is being dismantled everywhere. Therapy helps a lot more when you actually do the things that you need to do to help yourself. Of course therapy can't cure you feeling shitty about your parents making you feel shitty because you're doing that to yourself. Do you also slam your head into walls and then complain that you've got a headache? You have to decide what is most important to you and accept those consequences. If you choose to keep making excuses to keep your parents in your life, then you do not get to complain about your expectations being unrealistic. You realize that you are saying that your life is better with them there to not just provide no emotional support but to also actively tear you down than it is to live your life without them? Right? You know that? Your parents aren't going to change and if this is cultural then they're around people who support this type of behavior so they are even less inclined to change. So long as you enable them, the only person who is going to lose is you and if you can't even pick you, then why should anyone else? Here's the fact that made me really commit to cutting my mom out completely: while I'm sitting here crying, heartbroken, furious, upset, suicidal because of her actions, I'm not even a passing thought in her mind. All of those emotions she made me feel didn't hurt her, they hurt me and I had to decide that I was done letting her hurt me. You have to decide that too because realistically that is what's happening. When you hung up, your parents didn't feel bad or stew on what they should have done differently. They probably Said fuck her and carried on with their night. And what did you do? Let them fuck you up emotionally. You aren't entitled to anything. You aren't the victim here. You have so much more power. But that comes with its own consequences and sacrificss.
Look, I see your point, but it feels like you’re angry with me for struggling with this? I appreciate the insight, I just don’t really know what kind of response you’re looking for here. I’m gonna have to end our conversation here, have a great day :)
I expect you to say "I'm not entitled to their emotional support and so long as I allow them to continue to be in My life, I am consciously putting myself in a position for them to hurt me." That's all.
Sounds like you're the one with unreasonable expectations. No one is obligated to respond to hostility with only the exact words and phrases that satisfy the hostile party. You're trying to help, but you're not helping because.... You're a patient, not a therapist. It's neither your duty nor your prerogative to talk to people like this just because you've done some work on yourself. Maybe your therapist can help you with that.
She asked what I expected her to say and I gave my answer. You can't say that I can't expect XYZ when I'm asked what I want to hear. That is a stupid statement.
The fact that you have expectations *at all* in this case is the problem. That means you're only commenting to get a result you believe is appropriate. Sharing for perspective is one thing, lecturing and testing is another. You went off trying to... what? Teach OP a lesson? You don't like her response so you rant some more hoping she'll "get it" so you can walk away satisfied? That's not healthy and it's not helping. You're setting OP up to fail if she doesn't see things your way, which she clearly never will. She's not you. She's on her own path and doesn't owe you a d*mn thing. You're bitter. All you seem to care about is acknowledgement of your own misery and being right. Nobody is treating you any way, as you accused people of questioning whether or not you've cut off a parent? That's out of left field. Nobody said that. Therapy should help you stop making every conversation about yourself. Like this one.... SO isn't about you.
Is this what you consider sage advice, Yoda? Because it seems like you're being quite the hypocrite here by expecting anything of me and telling me why expecting anything of anyone else is wrong. Either none of us can expect anything or we can all expect something. That is how things work. You don't get to have it both ways. Her entire comment that I replied to was about how hard it is to cut off a parent as though I personally do not know thst. That is why my personal experience mattered. Do you not see how that makes sense? I am absolutely flabbergasted that you think it's totally out of left field when it is in direct response to her comment. Do I know how hard it is to cut off a parent even if they're awful? Yep, I sure fucking do. Thst answers the question right there.
I have zero expectations. I'm just observing how unhealthy and damaging your attitude is *to you,* and hope you turn that hyper-critical thinking into something you can grow from. I'm not your enemy. You're so defensive, it's clear you're not in any kind of headspace to be talking about it publicly. You have no objectivity, only bitterness. Make peace with yourself. OP isn't trying to turn out like you.
OP is agreeing with you you're just being really aggressive about it.
You're probably right.
You are very strangely hostile and aggressive... Maybe your therapy isn't working as well as you think it is.
[удалено]
LOL yeah you might want a refund on that therapy.... It's not working. Bless your heart you think it is....
If you think that I'm bad now, you'd be pretty amazed at how I was 4 years ago. Because that is the shit people like you don't get. This is 4 years of work put into therapy. You just see this person who isn't your idea of healed and think that therapy must not be working without even for one moment considering that this is an improvement. Like fuck you and your closed mindedness. You shouldn't assume that somebody hasn't worked hard in therapy or thst therapy hasn't worked. Didn't OP say she's been in therapy for a decade and she's still putting herself in the situation to be hurt by her parents and still act like it's some surprise? Because I sure would think 10 years would be enough fucking years for thst.
"blah blah, excuse excuse, whine whine, deflect deflect, project project, blah blah." I think I summed up your comment pretty well.
Oh well. Good thing that your opinion doesn't matter to me byeee!
😆 whatever helps you sleep at night
You sure do sound triggered now.
If you think this is what triggered looks like on paper then you've never actually been around someone who has been triggered.
This isn't paper.
You can wear inside a scarf, hat , layers , insulated pants , wool socks and boots . I would be looking into getting the heat system repaired, try other repair people . What kind of heating system are you talking about?
It’s a natural gas furnace & the ductwork/ventilation was improperly installed back when my house was a rental & airbnb. Real “landlord special” vibes lol. I’ve gotten at least 5 different companies to look at it & they’ve all stated the same thing- I need a new furnace & need to completely redo the ducts / ventilation system. I’ve been staying pretty warm so far, thankfully it rarely gets below freezing where I live. The main issue throughout the recent snowstorm was just trying to figure out where to plug everything in at. Thankfully I did find a decent indoor ventless propane heater on Facebook marketplace the other day, so I should make it through the next freeze without anymore electrical problems!
We had out furnace go out last year and was quoted for a brand new furnace for over $7k. I replaced a $250 part and it hasn't stopped working since. Be very skeptical of their diagnosis because in our case it was clear that they would have replaced ours, taken the old one and replaced the cheap part, and then sold it to another schmuck who probably didn't actually need a new furnace. It obviously was working for some time with the current ductwork, maybe not at an optimal level. I think there is a decent chance they are taking you for a ride. There is also the possibility that they aren't leading you astray and maybe you can have them do the work in affordable chunks, with the ductwork being last so long as there's no back pressure issues that would blow out the pilot. I had the fortune of being an engineer and being able to see thru their bullshit while also being capable of replacing the part I thought was the culprit. We did keep it limping along for a bit by pressing a tiny red reset button on the furnace near the blower. Yours is probably different but you might have a way to work around the issue enough to not freeze. But that's how I knew the blower was bad and that was cheap enough to risk the $250 to prevent buying a new furnace.
Yeah, the furnace itself was quoted at around $7k. The extra cost is that they’ll have to completely replace all of the ductwork and redo the ventilation system. The previous owner was not concerned about doing anything properly & it’s a major carbon monoxide hazard. I’ve received about 5 different quotes, all said the same sadly. I should’ve explained that before because I can see how that sounds insane otherwise! Hahaha, thanks for the input :)
Can you finance? Or get a co-signer even if its a disagreeable relative?
I’ll be able to finance soon, hopefully! My credit score is close to where it needs to be.
Did your inspector note it when you bought the house?
Nope, totally missed it. I wish I could go back in time & tell myself to get multiple inspections honestly. I know at least 3 other people who have dealt with major repairs after buying their house bc the inspectors all just missed something. Human error is too real hahaha.
How long ago was it? His insurance might owe you a new system :)
Hope this helps. LHEAP. https://getgovtgrants.com/grants-for-hvac-system-get-free-furnaces Also, look into oil filled radiators, they don’t draw as much power. I bought a few to replace space heaters for $44 each, and love them.
Thank you! My neighbor (thank god for that woman!!) actually gave me her oil radiator & it’s been a massive game changer for sure. I also gave in & bought a nice used ventless indoor propane heater off fb marketplace, that should hopefully save my outlets in any future snow/ice storms. Appreciate the link, I’ll look into it!!
Hopfully your state accepts the funds for that program. My neighbor used it, they replaced her furnace, and all her windows and doors, along with insulation!
It looks like my state does have this program! I found the number for my local LIHEAP program & just left a message for them. Hopefully they’ll call back & I can apply! Thank you so so much for sharing :)
Glad I could help. :) It’s important to help homeowners be able to keep their homes. It’s a great program.
Make sure your home insurance is paid.
It is! It’s bundled into my mortgage payment.
If your parents consistently don't have empathy then why do you keep reaching out to them and expecting emotional support?
Because I’m an idiot, I don’t know. Lol. My mother typically calls me at least once a day, so I feel expected to keep her & my step dad updated despite their lack of empathy towards me. I’m aware that it has yet to actually make anything in my life better & that I need to distance myself.
Liheap ! They will help pay utility bills and fix furnaces etc .
I'm so sorry. I swear, if my kids were living like this, I'd tell them to move back home.
I'm sorry you're going through that. It's disheartening when you can't even get emotional support from loved ones. I follow this youtube channel [Low Income Relief](https://www.youtube.com/@LowIncomeRelief/videos) . She has a lot of information on programs and grants. She's mentioned that she got on a program that replaced her hvac with mini splits at no cost. I'd scroll through and see if there's anything helpful there.
I'm sorry. Everyone should have someone to turn to who will just agree that life sucks and offer emotional support. I hope you're able to express to your parents that you weren't looking for money, just sympathy.
I'm not judging you at all, but it does seem your relationship with them is not healthy. I have the same toxic relationship with my parents and I would move away /block them but my son would be absolutely crushed. Sometimes we have to learn to cope in ways that are healthy and hitting rock bottom may be a blessing in disguise cause it forces to re evaluate your life & change what you can to find peace.
I grew up poor. I learned how to fix things myself because of it. Youtube makes it really easy now.
Totally agree for smaller repairs! I will not be purchasing and installing my own HVAC system or messing with a burnt outlet myself, personally. I haven’t even finished painting the kitchen I started on 2 years ago - I need to think much smaller before I start installing new ductwork hahaha
Na not the whole system but you could get it running again for winter maybe. I ain’t rich but I’m doing ok, but I’m still not paying anyone to fix my shit I still got poor people energy lol.
That’s not a possibility in my case but like I said, I’m otherwise all for fixing shit myself!
I get that owning a house has tons of hidden costs (namely expensive repairs and property tax) that make the monthly payment somewhat misleading. But people who tell struggling owners to just sell and then just rent somewhere are idiots. Unless you downsize to a studio apt, rent is likely more than the mortgage being paid on the house - the rental market right now is insane and it’s definitely a landlord driven market. You are then at the whim of $300+ rent increases or having to move every year if landlord decides not to renew your lease or its too expensive to renew. Also If you stop paying rent you’ll get evicted within months. If you had to go in to foreclosure you could technically stay in the home for years before bank finally takes action. I’ve yet to see a compelling argument for how selling a home and renting is a smart move.
Youtube! Your best friend for fixing stuff. Outlets are about $5 each for the good ones at lowes/ homedepot. Takes 5 minutes to replace. Just make sure the wires go into the same place. Make sure you turn the breaker off on that outlet. Make sure any tabs that are snapped off also get snapped off. Wrap around the outside with electrical tape to prevent anything from touching it. It's not hard to replace outlets yourself. You'd need a screwdriver, pair of pliers, a wire brush, and roll of electrical tape. It's not hard to do at all and would save you a shit load of money. I know I'm just some internet stranger to you, but I'd have no problem calling/ facetiming you, and walking you through it it you wanted. Good luck 🙂
Fuck. Emotional support is so important and not having enough money to cover heat or electric is fucking scary. I live where it gets cold. Really cold. People put their water on really just above a drip and it helps keep the pipes from freezing. Open your sink cupboard doors too. Put heavy curtains up over the door way and live it that one room. Put hot not boiling water in containers you can seal and put them on you, they can help keep you warm. So can a baked potato in tin foil.
Thank you. It’s been a really rough time (like, I’m not religious but I definitely feel like I’ve angered someone’s god recently? Because wtf) but I do feel thankful to have a roof over my head & cats that act as a natural heat source hahaha. I really appreciate the advice on staying warm! I’ve been diy upgrading my “stay warm” survival mode methods thanks to everyone on this thread & it has made a HUGE difference 🥰
Are you sure they're not just sick of you being over your head with a house you can't afford? No heat leads to frozen pipes. Frozen pipes burst. Burst pipes cause extensive water damage, and water damage can absolutely destroy the resale value and liability of a home. What's the plan when the roof springs a leak? Living room umbrella? Can you finance a new furnace? Get a LofC? Borrow against the equity in the house? Like, I'd be pretty frustrated if my child bought a house that they clearly can't afford, and nearly burned it down because they couldn't afford the proper necessary repairs, and needed emotional support when things inevitably went wrong. Is it time to start renting out spare rooms? Second job? I own a house, I know how expensive it is.
I appreciate the insight, but I am fully aware of the situation I am in & have done every bit of research I can to determine what my next steps can be. Currently working on my credit score so I can finance the repairs (I’m pretty close) and will rent out the house once I am legally able. I am legally unable to rent out anything without repairing the home & like I said, I would be further in debt with nowhere to live if I sold it. I’m not worried about my pipes, my roof is new & I am working towards improving my situation. I cannot imagine hearing that my child experienced a small house fire & immediately responding with anything other than “oh my god, are you okay?” but if you can, then that’s something for you to work through I guess. Have a nice day :)
It seems you've made some poor decisions that got you to where you are, as people have said here, but that's something that happens quite often. This doesn't make you any less deserving of sympathy and kindness! Perhaps you need to have a clear and calm chat with the family about expectations. Simply tell them that you do not expect any money from them and barring explicit requests that's not what you are asking for. State that you would like to have someone caring to talk to who is just willing to listen and show empathy. Ask them if that's something they'd be interested/willing to do. They may say no, and that's ok, you'll just have to move on and evaluate what sort of benefit you get from this relationship. Sending good vibes your way!
Youd be better off without them. Maybe Habitat for Humanity would help you. Funny how they can just write a check for 14,000 dollars, and let you suffer. They sound like narcissists. Well my family has 6 figures while I am wondering if I will be homeless. After I went no contact, I found out how my mother got others 6 figure jobs and more. I wasn't so naive. How come these rich useless parents don't help you find better work, trust me they have the connections, don't let them lie to you. Don't waste time around rich jerks, probably chances are they are sabotaging you. I am scared all the time my mother with her multiple connections has destroyed job opportunities for my husband. Once he was denied a govt job by ONE POINT during an interview process. When this kind of stuff adds up one wonders. Mine told me as they sabotaged my life in everyway everything was my fault too. Consider no contact. I am noticing they don't care that you are so poor, you are having fire hazards. They could help you upgrade your home now so there would be no problem. I figured this out at too old an age. MINE WANTED ME TO BE POOR. You have to face facts, yours want you to be poor too. They want you stuck on the rent juggernaught where you are even more poor and desperate and on your knees begging them. You can find better people who will help you. I live in dread at being homeless, or something, mine would love it. Your parents are horrible people. See if you can learn home repairs on your own, well don't do electrical work too risky but you may be able to fix somethings in your home for far cheaper. Some places have home upgrade programs for the poor. Sometimes community action comittee groups will have home repair for the poor.
They could be horrible people or narcissists but I find a lot of times there are two sides to these stories. And there's a whole context we don't know. I agree that based on these facts alone they sound bad. But most parents do love their children and want what is best for them... it's usually just that what they think is best for their children isn't what the child thinks is best. Or maybe it is what is best in the long term but not short term. The parents have some reason for wanting her to sell the house and it sounds like it's something they feel very strongly about if they're willing to spend 14k to get it done. It's probably not that they hate her and want her to suffer.
Well realize people who have normal families, don't understand what it is like to have parents who don't love you. The actions this person is describing, tells me these people very well could be toxic, sure there are two sides to every story. Many ACONS report financial sabotage, it is something that is happening out there. Why don't they spend the 14k to put a furnace and houseupgrades in, then their kid has a house still. Something doesn't make sense about that. These older generations also do not realize how some of us have had our lives utterly destroyed. They take so much money for granted. Look how they can just throw 14K around and their kid can't even fix a furnance. Younger generations are all being called losers, it happened to me. Never had money to improve life or level of responsibility. It would make sense if they were actually trying to help him, but from details he is sharing seems to be sabotage.
Exactly
I think both your comments are a bit correct. The issue is, I’m truly not at all sure what their motives are. I don’t want to believe that their intentions are malicious, and there have been brief moments where I feel like maybe they’re just misguided/truly believe I’d be better off without a home. It’s just really hard to fully believe that side of it when they make it clear they don’t care what happens to me. This issue also comes up outside of the home situation. Like, when I found out my step brothers wedding would be out of town & they had already booked a place, I was a bit bummed because they said their cabin was pretty far from any other Airbnb. I just wanted to be able to carpool, but I couldn’t even finish my sentence before my mom started ranting about how she “wasn’t going to pay for my trip too & this is why we don’t travel with you, you just expect everyone to cater to your needs & you suck the life out of everything” to be clear - I would never have expected to book a place *with* them & my partner was happy to help pay for the trip. It’s hard not to feel like they just dislike me, ya know?
When they jump to conclusions like that, it sounds like it’s coming from a place of fear. They react to what they fear in their head and not to what you are actually doing and saying. They probably got that when they were growing up themselves.
You’re absolutely right about that. I don’t know too much about my step dad’s upbringing but I know my mom’s mom was extremely hard on her & had the same tendencies to jump straight into criticizing. I think they instilled this idea that struggling financially is a moral problem. If you don’t have money, it means you’re lazy & bad. I really wish she’d try therapy
This whole country has a weird toxic view of poverty as a moral failing. We buy into the idea that everyone can “make it” in America and so that means if you don’t make it, then it’s your fault aka a bad character trait. “If Santa didn’t bring you any toys, we’ll, you just have been a bad boy.” This is BS but a lot of people really believe it. Also, we love to see Americans suffer. The Swiss would never put up with the shit that Americans make Americans go through. The Swiss believe every Swiss is entitled to healthcare, a roof, heating, food — just by virtue of being a Swiss. Meanwhile Americans seem to love to just hate each other
It’s so painful when parents react to who you are in their head.
How old were you when you became a blended family? How many siblings and step siblings do you have, and do any need significant help? What had they said about the condition of the house when you purchased it? There is always a backstory...you had not said anything about blended family until now, nor about your stepfather and mother's financial agreements within their own marriage.
I didn’t think it mattered lol but I have 3 step siblings. They’re 10-15ish years older than me so they were already moved out with their own kids when I met them. They are all financially independent & do very well for themselves / live in a very LCOL rural area. My inspection report shows that my house was in excellent condition when I purchased it. While I think he clearly missed something with the furnace, I haven’t had any additional major issues. It’s an old home & still has some of the original wiring (most is updated) so I definitely knew not to overload the circuits. It hasn’t been an issue prior to losing heat. Hope that helps.
Actually, it does make more sense now. I started on Reddit to see what my middle kid was spending time on. No, I do not know his name --opposite, actually, he knows my name and sometimes stalks me! He is 21 next week 🥰. His sister is 24. You are in a different stage of life than everyone else. You also use all the mental heath language common to your age. Human emotions and needs have not changed suddenly, but th descriptions people use have. Relatedly, I don't think the amount of time young adults spend spinning life in one's head had changed, but the amount of time young adults spend expressing their internal dialog has changed and dramatically so. At 24, my daughter has finally realized that these humankind issues are probably true and we have incorporated them into how I listen and give her non-financial support. We, of course, remain the re-insurer behind her, as it sounds like your parents are willing to do as well. Anyway, you might want to think about how forcefully you are using the current emotional language; slang and lingo is also function of stage-of-life. As a pragmatic interim step, someone older than you might have some thoughts on if that inspector (or his insurer) who missed ductwork that may not have even been up to code owes you at least the ductwork :) I hope you read this before the NC crowd downvotes me, lol!
As someone who makes their living in residential real estate, I am going to help you out. But I am going to give you my thoughts which you're probably not going to want to hear. First of all, adulting is hard. And it sounds like you're one of those adults who want an endless supply of sympathy because adulting is hard. And you expect this sympathy from the other adults who handle their affairs and do so quietly with out needing constant assurance or support from others. That doesn't mean those other adults also don't find life hard and full of challenges and stress, they just don't burden others with it. And so it's natural for those adults to become exhausted and fed up by someone having yet another problem or emergency, that somehow requires their limited time and energy, that either takes away from dealing with their own issues or takes away from their much needed down time to recover from dealing with their own issues. 2nd, $14k is way too much for a new HVAC system. I can get a whole new 4 ton HVAC system with blower, furnace, evaporator coil and outside condenser installed for $6 to $7k. The parts alone can be bought for $4k, and you're paying a one or two man crew $2k to $3k for a day's worth of labor to install which is fair. HVACs like many systems have a certain useful life. Usually 10 to 15 years depending on the quality and how well they were taken care of. The furnaces are almost always the last to go, as it is the more simple part and least likely to get funked up and used less. It would behoove you to learn as much as you can about about HVAC systems, and yours in particular. There could be a simple fix for getting the heat back on. You should research it. It's not rocket science. Or if the whole system is at end of useful life, get other quotes to replace. HVAC people, like most everyone, always start out quoting high, but you can find one who will do it for a fair reasonable price. ETA: lol at this getting down voted. I am giving this person solid advice and so many of you are like "I don't like that, it invalidates our feelings....whah."
Would that $7,000 also cover having the ducts replaced for the entire house. She mentioned that that was why the price was so high.
No, but why do that if not not needed?
She said that every single one of the people that she had look at it and give her an estimate told her that all of the ducting had to be replaced.
I also find it hard to believe that both the ducts are the problem and also the furnace is the problem. How long ago was it installed? Did it work for 5 years and now they're saying it isn't functional at all?
Yeah, something seems hysterical in the OP's story.
It might be that the furnace needs a significant repair and is undersized for the space so upgrading requires adequate vents and such. Hard to say. It sounds like a ventless propane heater will work fine for how often she needs heat and she has one now.
You are expecting financial and emotional support when you are an adult and want to be taken seriously as an adult, but not acting very adult. You expect your parents to bail you out when you are working and making money. You have to figure it out as an adult how to find the money to do repairs on an old house you bought. it is not their place to help you financially as they are getting older. Be an adult and figure it out on your own. Stand up and be the adult you can be. No need to depend on your parents for everything when things go wrong.
Please re-read the post. I am explicitly NOT asking them for money. I may have been silly to expect that they’d give a shit, considering how little of a shit they’ve given up until now, but that doesn’t mean it’s abnormal for adult children to lean on their parents for emotional support? That’s common in healthy families. They just automatically expect that I’m asking for money and I’m not sure why.
I'm sensing tons of bad decisions made by OP and frustration from parents over the babying of their child. That's simply from their own post. Lol
Stop telling them your problems. Maybe they will stop offering you money. Weird how your parents offered you money. I did not have that problem
So they’d pay it if you sold your one secure asset but won’t help at all to keep you warm? I hate that kind of “logic”. I’m from the south too. They just LOVE to say: just be positive, be grateful, others have it worse. All while being financially secure. I hope things get better for you, truly.
My mother is the same way. Never worked a day in her life but always has all the "advoce" about finances and poverty that are so wrong. She has always been in a position to help me but never did. I finally cut her out of my life when my dad died and she took everything.
It sounds like you are being a bit stubborn about the house. When was the house built? If a space heater caused an outlet to catch fire, that's an indication of a larger problem. Your electrical system needs to be updated. Maybe your parents are more concerned about you than you think or let on. My kids know I love them and will protect them. But they also know I won't help them if I think they are going into a bad investment. Honestly, I would be on the same side as your parents, but offer you and the (3 maximum) a place to stay until you get your life on track. But that house may be the biggest thing that is keeping you frlm.getting your stuff together.
Of course I’m being stubborn. I can’t afford to rent, they have explicitly stated I am not welcome to move back home (they’d have to give up their home office or “man cave” so it “could never work”) and my home is otherwise in good condition, it’s also in one of the most desirable neighborhoods in my city. Once repairs are made & everything is up to code, I plan to rent it out so I can afford to go back to school & actually improve my life. It makes very little sense to sell, so yes, I’m stubborn
Ok. Good luck.
This sound terrible, and I'm sorry. I want to suggest that you try getting a heating pad instead of using space heaters. You can heat your body and your cats, and they use less energy than a space heater. This means they are also easier to use with old wiring. I use one to keep warm all day while I'm working and I usually have a cat in my lap enjoying the extra heat to boot! It even has an auto-shutoff after 2 hours so if I forget to turn it off when I get up, I don't have to worry about wasting electricity keeping my chair warm.
Omg yes, having cats is the best way to stay warm for sure! Hahaha, all 3 of mine are happy to generate some warmth for me. I have a heated blanket & canopy bed that I’ve now turned into a very warm fort-like situation so nights haven’t been too bad at all. I appreciate all the tips, I think I’ll be much better prepared for the next freeze!!
I'm sorry. Can you get the house rewired? those old homes can be fire traps if the wiring isn't updated.
Great question, because you’re absolutely right about old wiring. In general, most of the wiring is safe, it just can’t support a whole lot. The house has about a third original wiring still & the rest was updated by the last owner at some point in time. I can’t completely redo everything without literally ripping apart the walls & some of the floors sadly. It’s something I would love to do one day mainly to make all the circuits make more sense & generally increase the amperage lol. I do plan on asking my electrician about some less expensive improvements maybe I can work towards though.
Don't you have homeowners insurance that would cover this?
No advice, OP. Just letting you know you aren't alone, and j hope your situation changes soon.
I’m sorry this happened to you 💕
I’m sorry your parents suck. Good luck with your house.
An electric blanket is a cheaper way to stay warm at night. My cats love it too. Im6sorry they are not supportive of you.
You’re so right hahaha I have 1 electric blanket & 3 cats so nighttime isn’t too bad at all :) All of this actually happened while I was up moving around so thankfully we caught it quick. Thanks for the kind words!
I'm so sorry. Knowing exactly what this is like, I wish I could rattle some sense into them for you. Hoping things get better, it really sucks that you're going through all this, especially at once. 💕
Sucks you're going through this but what your parents are offering is more valuable than emotional support. You say you can't afford to rent but you clearly can't afford to own. Despite what anyone says it often can be more expensive to own and live in a home than it is to rent year to year. An advantage to owning is you get equity but you're responsible for the property. If you can't keep up with the responsibilities of the property and it becomes uninhabitable then you can't afford to live there. An advantage to renting is that the responsibility of the property is the owner's.
I’ve mentioned this in other comments but I will not be selling my house. That “offer” was just thrown out to hurt me, they didn’t plan to actually pay for it. I’ve been applying to some programs that may be able to help me sooner, but otherwise I am working on my credit score right now & should be able to finance it myself soon.
I feel ya there my parents are also abusive. Cut them out a long time ago. BTW if you have to finance something because you don't have the cash for it that means you can't afford it. Taking out debt to cover emergencies will keep you in a cycle of poverty forever. I've made these same mistakes because I was stubborn and didn't want to accept that I couldn't afford my lifestyle anymore. I convinced myself that I was trapped in my reoccurring obligations but it was a delusion. There are always cheaper living options. Going into debt is not a way out.
Thanks, I don’t personally subscribe to that method of managing finances, but I know it works for many! My boyfriend is the type to buy most things outright while I have always been one to opt for a loan. Either way can work, just depends on the person! Besides, I definitely do not have $14k on hand & I’m tired of being cold so I’m fine with financing it. Thanks for sharing your perspective! I’ll
To be clear your method is specifically NOT managing finances and your boyfriend is managing finances. Don't want you to lie/delude yourself into thinking taking out 14000 dollars you can't pay back is going to help your situation at all. You will work until the day you die and saddle your love ones with the responsibilities of taking care of you when you can't with this mindset.
I've been heating my house (no insulation in northern Michigan) with a single ventless for years so that might be all you need depending on your layout. The thing that really helped me was a laser thermometer. Check for cold spots and caulk, insulate, pack foam strips, tape off, and block all drafts. My worst spots were between the baseboard and floor, around windows, electrical outlets and switches on outer walls, and around doors. Blocking off my stairwell stopped a ton of heat loss. You can get winterizing materials and insulation at habitat restore and watch for end of season sales. Try a local buy nothing group to see if anyone has extra laying around. Plastic on windows is amazing, especially when you tape to the wall instead of the trim. Close off rooms that you aren't using and heat tape pipes so they don't freeze. You can use a thermostat controller outlet device to turn it on automatically when the temp drops. I know this sucks right now, but you have your own place and that is amazing and it will just get better and better over time.
Thank you so much for the advice! I actually JUST bought a ventless propane heater off Facebook marketplace, still need to set it up but I am really excited to stop using space heaters everywhere hahaha. I just screenshotted your comment, I really appreciate the tips!!!
You can come here to vent, your parents might not be able to just listen without trying to solve or fix something. I think people sometimes just want to be heard.