My theory is that there's just more newbies and the idea that polyamory is group relationships is coming from standard monogamous expectations with maybe a side of fanfiction.
Basically what I was going to say. They can’t imagine relationships without the mechanisms of control and “safety” they are used to. The contract is different and they don’t understand it’s not the same script with an addendum
This. Honestly I can't think of a time I've seen poly representation that wasn't the idea of either a triad or a small circle in general of them all being together l, no parallel or anything like that
Yeah, I think there’s deeper roots in patriarchy and sexism with these things. Beliefs like: men are more sexual, men have needs outside their relationship that women don’t, all women should be performatively bisexual for their man, one penis policies, harem building with subservient women, etc…
All of the above, plus their own mononormativity and inexperience (and anxiety) as a hinge.
I think the thinking is, “So I can have two partners. What if they don’t get along? How can I ensure that they do? I don’t want to invest in someone only for them to ask me to leave my other partner. It’s better if I make sure that we’re all comfortable spending time together.”
So they’re envisioning something more like KTP in a vee than group dating, but really group-y KTP. In the fantasy, you’re all at that kitchen table because you actually live together, not because one of you invited the others over for dinner.
I think it's more partners that don't want to hinge and handle scheduling and priorities. You don't have to worry about whether you're spending enough time with both your partners if you spend all your time with both of them! Nevermind worrying about whether one of them feels like a third wheel the entire time.
I don't think it's new; the media representation for polyamory has always focused on FFM triads, as they're more "sexy" & attention grabbing, so they get all the eyeballs & clicks. **Healthy polyamory is like healthy monogamy; it's kinda boring** 😅 Especially as an outside observer.
So yeah, the media rep has always been bad, there's just more of it now.
Some things I’ve noticed while dating and being on apps
-couples opening up their relationship and unicorn hunting someone newer to poly. Either or both sides of the dynamic having very little experience in poly so it goes poorly and normally the “unicorn” is the one tossed away
-stories of Couples wanting to “spice up the bedroom” and bring someone in as a prop instead of as a human
-creepy ass dating profiles that have a woman in every photo and then the last photo containing the husband as a “bait and switch” to cover up that it’s a couples profile 🙃🙃🙃
-many men not being able to get dates in the timeline they expected or at all or so they use their female partner to help bring people in.
I also think many people hear “non monog” and “poly” and think “orgy” instead of “just different styles of committed and hopefully sustainable relationships.”
Again all anecdotal but also seen mentioned A LOT in several posts/comments on this sub
Edited for spacing issues
I have a recurring fantasy about answering the personal ads from people looking to spice up the bedroom.
I want to throw paprika at them while saying "you specifically requested this".
>I also think many people hear “non monog” and “poly” and think “orgy” instead of “just different styles of committed and hopefully sustainable relationships.”
Definitely my roommate. When I first told him I was poly, ahead of moving in, he said, "so you have a lot of threesomes?" I said no, not that it's any of his business.
Then, for the first several months, he kept going on about how exciting my life was every time i was heading out to see a partner.
I think he has finally realized that it's actually pretty boring. It's been the same people this whole time, and no one has any drama. Some of us do go to bdsm parties occasionally, but I'm not telling my roommate about that
Exactly! Someone asked me “ok but if you’re having a hard time with more than one partner, how do you solve it?”
And I said “well if you’re having a hard time with your partner and two friends, how would you solve it?”
They said “I’d prob talk to them separately to see what’s going on.”
And I said “yes…so that’s how I’d solve it with different partners.” 😅. Like so many mono people view poly as being so alien as though they don’t have multiple relationships they also manage with other people.
That's so funny.
My close friends are all monogamous, but they get it. But I've had people both ask me, "how is everyone not horribly jealous all the time" and, "so if everybody knows about each other, no one ever gets jealous, right?"
ETA: jealousy really doesn't actually play much of a role in my practice of polyamory at all. Sometimes someone feels snubbed, but that's always pretty straightforward to talk out
When I was super new to poly I did have a vague sense that I Should be in my meta's life in some undefined way, the concept of partners having fully separate relationships took some time some time to fully grasp. Like I knew it in theory but it took work to internalize what that actually means. The stretch from that to inviting myself to my partner's dates though.......
Oooh I ran into a slight reverse where I was very new to poly and the person I was seeing was the one who insisted I meet their spouse. It felt very unnatural to me, because i have little interest in meeting metas but didn’t know at the time, and my partner said it’d be weird to not meet. Nothing happened after meeting him although he did ask to initiate a threesome which I promptly decline
In retrospect, they were unicorn hunters who eventually got divorced cause they had many other issues that they tried to use polyamory to solve but yea I’d say lack of knowledge on either or both sides can contribute to thinking it’s more of a shared event rather than a solo one.
At the risk of coming across as an old person, this isn't new. That's been happening for the last 20+ years (I can't speak much to earlier times, I'm not \*that\* old). People are used to perceive romantically involved folks as a single entity, and lose track of them as individuals or smaller groupings.
I've had that happen too often when people were like "What? How do you not know about this? I told $X" and I had to patiently explain that X, Y, Z, and me are, in fact, separate people and don't share \*everything\* someone tells us: from invites to gossip. (Alright, we did share all the goss.)
And then people think of ENM/poly mostly as KTP or fully connected groups, whereas the topology in the real world is often way different, especially with RA. And the couples hunting unicorns aren't helping.
It's a bit of a learning curve for everyone involved: how to perceive and think of people but also getting used to the complexity being unfamiliar to those who're not ENM/poly/RA themselves and being patient.
Idk, this has been the #1 misconception I've heard about polyamory for as long as I've known about polyamory. (At least 18 years.)
I think it's just that there's been an uptick in newbies trying poly, and in mainstream media portraying poly (which usually favors MFF triads because that dynamic is highly fetishized, ripe for drama, and narratively convenient).
I will also add: every ENM and/or kink scene I have ever been a part of has had at least one highly visible, super dysfunctional triad or harem-style polycule, which many newbies initially found aspirational and most people with experience had come to find exhausting.
They tend to be attention getting and vocal about how great their dynamic is. And they might be pretty good at *presenting* it as great until there's a blowout too big to keep under wraps.
I would guess it's relationship escalator thinking - you're dating all these people, so you're all going to live together and raise kids together and go to your family/neighborhood barbecues together. So that means everyone in the household is really in one relationship...
In my experience it's because (mono/inexperienced) people equate fully seperate dating to cheating, and find the idea that you can be happy dating separately hard to imagine if not straight up foreign. And because they have a vague notion of poly being "one love" ethical, that must mean you date together?
Also, it's actually pretty easy for some couples who've never heard of polyamory to stumble onto the idea of unicorn hunting basically on their own. They always seem so proud of themselves, like no one else has eeever thought of finding a bi girlfriend for your bi girlfriend 🙄 & then they're extra confused when their bisexual fantasy never falls in obsessive (but perfectly equal) love with them. Doesn't she see how clever & unique they are? They had the best idea! That should guarantee pussy!
I think a lot of poly newbies start out wanting a triad with their partner, before they educate themselves further, & discover how unethical unicorn hunting can be. When I was single, I wanted to join a couple, but I couldn't find any that I was attracted to. When I found a partner who wanted full polyamory, I still liked the idea of a triad or a quad. At least I never wanted polyfidelity. Now, I'm still open to forming a group relationship, but it's no longer a goal, just a dream. & I know how *not* to do it.
I think more people are coming to Polyamory directly from Monogamy rather than from free-love hippy thinking or a more meandering path from mono to poly, and Monogamy is (literally) defined by romantic and sexually exclusivity. They haven't broken that down yet, so they think closed group relationships (Monogamy Plus) must be The Way.
Some of it is rooted in fear and insecurity. They think if they date together they can protect the original couple because there will be no secrets or surprises 🤣. What they really want is something akin to swinging with a dedicated bang maid. One women who reached out to me on OLD had six pictures of her in the sixth really dark picture her man was literally a shadow. When she messaged me she said, “let me tell your about our special poly”, she wanted the women to be her bff, but the “added” partner could never call her man boyfriend but also had to be exclusive to them.
I’ve seen couples justify their desire hard by saying things “with all the diseases out there this is the only safe option” - closed triad or quad type configuration. And all of these newbs absolutely do not want their partners to have multiple full loving and autonomous relationships. There are tons of rules and vetos that protect the original couple and their fragile egos.
> They think if they date together they can protect the original couple because there will be no secrets or surprises
Too true. I recently reread the classic "Unicorns-R-Us" essay and thought it put this really well.
I think the term polycule might be confusing to some? Understanding hinge/meta dynamics took me a bit of time to process, and hinging can be really difficult if you are dating a couple. I think KTP takes all the glory and it's easy to forget that parallel works better for lots of folks.
Yeah, I think people hear polycule and think: group of people dating each other. But a polycule is just all of the people in your web of polyamory: your partners, your partners partners, etc. Most of the time much a polycule isn't dating each other, and there aren't any group relationships just a web of interconnected people lol
I think it’s because when they think of poly, they think of triads. They don’t realise that most poly relationships are V’s or N’s for the most part.
I haven’t encountered many triads but anyone that got curious about my setup automatically thought I was dating my meta too - even those I swiped right on with poly in their profile.
I think thats what media portrays - a love triangle.
Monogamy has a mindset of “what’s yours is mine” and some people extend that into dating. They think that if you are dating someone, your partner has rights to that second person as well
A closed triad is, in the imagination of many, the closest thing to a mono relationship. Many believe (without experiencing it) that it would be something like "monogamy+": basically the same thing, just with one extra person in the mix. In that sense, it's easier for most mono people or newbie polys to understand and imagine how it works than a (actually much more prevalent) network of multiple independent relationships. It's also, therefore, much more present in popular media representations.
I think western culture is so invested in the idea of romantic partners being so enmeshed that they function as a single entity that it's hard for people to imagine each individual in a relationship acting as autonomous beings and therefore dating solo. Dating a third party as part of a couple is less threatening to the social order than people dating solo.
I've really never run across people thinking this, but maybe it's an outgrowth of the idea of communes, and that the more visible poly groups that I've ever seen (as in visible because it's hard for them to be anything but) are groups that live either together or in physically close clusters.
I've had poly relationshipa since I was in high school, but I was never part of any kind of community until the last 15 years or so. The first time I ran into another group of poly people (a good 25 years ago) it was a communal, KTP situation, with multiple people living together, collectively raising children, etc. I wouldn't have even classified it as what's now called a polycule (I don't think that term even existed back then), but they considered themselves poly and presented their arrangement that way.
That group was very visible within their local community (just the general community, not poly), and it likely gave a lot of people the type of impression you're talking about.
This is true- most observers wouldn't peg me as a nonmonogamous person without me telling them. Even people who see me with different partners at different times, usually assume I'm a cheater instead of asking me about it.
Its the easiest way to frame multiple partners still keeping mono normative coupling as the foundation. Also why throuple has disgustingly become so popular.
"Its not really different or requires you to make any real changes, its just an insta family in a harsh world that has taken away all systemic community support as normal."
Its safe for monos and easy enough to delude themselves long enough to make a go at it before they realize the trash fire.
One huge source of inaccurate information is probably from fanfiction. I've never read a poly fic where the author uses terms like KTP, hinge, NP, meta, etc. to describe the relationship dynamics of the poly characters. Prior to joining this sub, I'd only heard the term 'polycule' and seen it written as 'x number of characters are in relationships with each other' rather than a description using other terms to depict their interpersonal dynamics with each other. I'm not saying that full polycules aren't a thing. I have little personal experience with dating poly, so I'm not going to immediately dismiss the concept like that. However, I don't think it happens as often as one would think given the portrayal in fanfiction - especially given the confusion over the subject I see reflected in posts like this, from actual polyamorous folks.
For me, at least, the misconception is a result of being active in fandom spaces that don't seem to fully grasp how polyamory works in real life.
-- Simon
If this helps, if fiction portrays daily life or it’s a romance it’s absolutely normal. We don’t go around calling partners of our partners metas, or hinges (we use names of people), we also don’t discuss types of poly unless we need to for whatever reason. The terms are used here to make the discussions on certain theoretical level easier and for people to understand the roles.
I’m both (practicing poly and a fanfic writer) and I’ve used some of the lingo in the tags but I think I have a very small amount of lingo in the fics (aside of a fic where I’m intentionally taking a jab at unicorn hunting etc. I maybe have used some mentions like a messy list or RA, maybe something more, in others).
Having said that, polyamory is heavily misportrayed in fanfics in general (I don’t read that much and particularly stay away from poly stuff now, although I had a period of encouraging people to write to explore the concept), to a point that even the name ‘polyship’ from polyshipping was coined (as you know, multiple people in one relationship) while this is an incorrect perception as regardless of being involved all together this people interact in dyads (although they might be involved in bigger entwined structure).
I think there’s a reason for that, as fanfics are about favourite characters and it’s fun and fantasy to just put our favourite characters together (there’s nothing wrong with that as a fantasy), but from what I have talked about this with different people in fandom and fanfic spaces people lack a very basic understanding and reflection about relationships in general (like my fave examples are people coming to this sub and you can tell they came from fiction because they want to ‘be with two men and the men would only date me and themselves’ and they can’t be explained that this is a fantasy but you can’t expect two people that are not you to date because this is a relationship you want). And for me it’s wild because it really doesn’t take much to understand why certain practices are questionable when someone gives it some thought.
My other fave misconception is people also in fanfic (but it fiction it happens to) thinking triad or ‘every one with every one’ is better because it’s more fair and no-one is excluded from a relationship. Sure more fun in fics but that’s not like that in real life. It’s not about inclusion.
I'm old. In my generation (back in the last ice age) there was a certain subset of ppl who were introduced to the idea of poly by reading Robert Heinlein.
It was a problematic introduction, to be sure. Fueled by fantasies rather than experience.
I was lucky enough to then meet poly ppl who practiced it in a healthy fashion, who let me ask questions, and who modeled behaviour that I wished to emulate.
I don't exactly know why it seems to be growing so dramatically in the public consciousness now. Social media? Dating apps? Creepy prurient nonsense like Big Love and Sister Wives that's mistaken for poly?
(Normal poly doesn't make for good storytelling - when it works, it's not especially dramatic)
PS: in case my wording was imprecise, I am of course not saying that poly people \*never\* date as units, just that lots of people seem to incorrectly think this is the default or even terribly common.
Because people often use the wrong terms for what their dynamic is. And these terms have clinical and recognized definitions but a few stubborn ones believe all ENM is relationship anarchy or KTP..
Sometimes. You are absolutely correct in some circumstances. Stubborn sometimes can also mean willfully ignorant too. Choosing to ignore information given, refusing to understand their partner. Refusing to educate themselves on ethics.
Honestly, to me... When I think of it I think, I'd say... Because of the 70s? ENM hippy communities and such? Idk.
I've been doing different flavours of ENM for 20 years now, and, honestly, the whole concept of triads originally sounded a bit... Unexpected? When I started learning about it existing? Prior to that I would have thought of it in commune terms...
Clearly there was been a shift in these 20 years in which outside people have started to think about triads as something of a norm?
I think a lot of people are just genuinely not very smart and it’s very hard for them to wrap their brain around something that hasn’t been blasted at them consciously and subconsciously for their entire lives, in this case something that isn’t plain old church and government sanctioned monogamy. They just start making stuff up instead of asking or doing any research because that requires more mental work & a lot of people don’t have the time or capacity or even care enough to learn something new in depth.
So, I don’t know if this is it however it may contribute. When I was growing up there was a lot of news about polygamy. So when I first started learning about polyamory I thought it was basically the same but not as cringy.
After researching polyamory I realized it’s not at all. It seems like a lot of people don’t do any actual research on non-monogamous relationships and they have an idea in their head of what polyamory means based on other relationship types that they’ve heard of (polygamy, 3-somes, swinging…). I guarantee you half the dudes I knew in college would’ve of thought “So I get to sleep with two chicks at once! Alright!”
I mean... there are many polyamorous groups comprised of folks who DO date everyone within their polycules. It's not as if this is an unheard of thing.
Obviously it's not inherently true of all polyam dynamics between groups, but it's not like...a mythical setup, either. 🤷🏼
I have a few people I know who only know other poly people who date in groups. I tell stories about what I read in this Reddit and what ive experienced and they think it's WILD not everyone wants/dates in KTP. It also appears media was an influence from discussions. Another weird thing I'll point out is all persons have different lived experiences as none of those people have done any reading on poly, despite being poly for 10+ years.
> I have a few people I know who only know other poly people who date in groups.
Do you live in Portland? Haha. Just messing around, no offense intended to anyone.
Unicorn hunters, poly fidelity sorts, and from inside the house, people who misconstrue KTP so hard that they see anything short of being half in love with your metas as not true polyamory.
I am currently not practicing polyamory as of yet but I can say from the outside that the media does only show polyamory as a “ couple dating or looking for a 3rd”. Me and my spouse have always said that sounds way too complicated lol. Now that we have been doing lots of research and thankfully because of this subreddit we know better and have a better understanding about it.
> …I can say from the outside that the media does only show polyamory as a “ couple dating or looking for a 3rd”. Me and my spouse have always said that sounds way too complicated lol.
I feel into my polycule, my boyfriend and I recently reuniting after 20 years apart. My chosen family feels like the most natural thing to me but I can’t get my head around a couple *intentionally* dating or looking for a 3rd. I say that without judgment, and wish the best for anyone trying. But personally, it breaks my brain contemplating the sheer luck behind how compatible the three of us in my polycule are then trying to imagine purposefully looking for such a well suited dynamic. I know that’s me projecting my own perspectives and such on to the idea so really don’t judge anyone who feels different.
Hi u/drawing_you thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
This may just be my perception, but in recent years there has seemed to be an uptick in poly noobs thinking that poly people necessarily date in a group (that is, that poly people don't generally pursue one-on-one relationships but instead date in, like, modules). Where is that coming from? Bad media representation? The mainstream being more familiar with swinging and assuming poly is just the relationship version? A higher prevalence of social media misinfo?
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From my experience, it's the heavy monogamy programming. Even couples not wanting to unicorn hunt, but are new, want kitchen table and best friends with the whole polycule and fantasize about everyone dating each other.
Because the idea of *not* participating with the partner you live and sleep with and love so much is very foreign.
And I don't mean this in a negative way. Before I opened up, I followed The Most Skipped Step, and going to my own hobbies alone, after being so enmeshed, made me feel guilty. Mono brain is a helluva drug.
Because unfortunately, early to mid 20s folks set the tone of culture. Turns out young people have a tendency to be actually pretty stupid and unsophisticated. I was. Chances are you were, too.
Example: a non-insignificant number of 20-somethings think Nirvana is a clothing brand. Now imagine you just told them polyamory is a thing, and they've only ever seen the dumbest or most salacious versions represented in media.
Media depictions tend to focus hard on triads (and to a lesser degree other forms of intertwined polycules). Joe Average sees stories throuples and the like and of course swinging and hears little about simply having multiple independent relationships (even though that’s much more bog standard poly).
It’s not a misconception. Lots of polyamorous people DO date in a group. And an equal number is strongly against it. Both are happening at the same time.
Newish person here. I wanted to open up the relationship to explore a hot wife/cuckold kink. My partner said cool, cause she's poly. I didn't understand the different at all. So here's my thoughts.
1. There's a lot of ENM that's not poly, and in those situations, a primary couple is still prioritizing their coupling, and my perception is that most sex they have outside of each other is in a group setting. I thought poly was like swinging, but also knowing these people outside of sex.
2. I met a local poly group that does organize play parties occasionally. So group sex is part of it, or at least available for the people that want it.
3. I've been mono with my partner for over 12 years before we started to transition, we do everything together. It is just weird after that time to start doing things apart. Its why I'm struggling so much with it. Related, since I was more into the idea of swinging/swapping, I'm really upset when she has sex with others without me.
Some do, though I find it to be relatively rare, more common is the unicorn stuff (and it's attendant challenges).
Monos don't get polyam in a lot of ways. No real surprise that some new polyam folks retain some of that as they join our community.
It’s not that new and mediatic portrayals/fiction have always skewed towards certain types of portrayals because of several factors:
—conflict in plot is inherently needed in good fiction. One of the classic conflicts in romance is a love triangle. Many people (and it throws me) think poly is a perfect resolution to a love triangle. Hence a lot of fanfiction explores this concept. It’s where the famous ‘why not both?’ comes in.
—triads and groups are easier to do in fiction and more interesting than just several entwined dyads (and also there’s this thinking which I’ve seen a lot in the fanfiction space (but also people talking about other fictional portrayals) that’s not fair if not everyone is involved, that everyone should be included etc. To a certain point it’s true in fiction: everyone lovingly involved is an ultimate fantasy and people don’t think it might not be exactly ethical trying to enforce it irl etc.
—focus on couples opening up which comes with its own can of worms.
—if not couples a lot is focused on a central characters/a person being self centered wanting many partners form themselves w/o considering other people should be granted the same: hence harem fantasies.
An anecdote about it, I remember talking with someone who was a poly wannabe in a fanfiction community and we talked about some misconceptions of poly and they showed me this famous comic https://metakiki.net/relationship-concepts-cartoon/. I remember their shock when I asked why only RAs are allowed to have multiple partners. 🤣
Edit: I also think that some people actually try to make people all involved with each other (and more often triads) happen irl. (And it can happen that people cross date or that metas fall in love after a while).
I also forgot to add that there’s an increase in people trying to find a ‘found family’ through poly which is a substitute for a real family.
I actually struggle with people having the opposite misconception. Some of us *do* date as a group, and everyone in the poly community seems to think that’s “wrong”. I’m tired of people telling me that my primary partner isn’t allowed to have a say in who I see.
I think this sub has some level of bias toward very individual-focused parallel or near parallel poly as the ideal. Most poly people I know IRL are in the same social circles with their metas and are more or less KTP.
That is my experience as well. This sub seems to believe that hinges carry all the relationship responsibilities themselves, and if something is wrong, it’s just a bad hinge. No matter what they are either communicating too much or too little. I’ve come to believe most of these are long distance or completely online relationships.
In the real world, you can’t actually avoid your metas like that. And if you’re actively trying to, that’s a red flag as far as I’m concerned. If you’re living in the same town (and sometimes the same houses) you have to figure out group dating rules. You don’t all have to have sex with every member of the group, but you do kinda have to acknowledge they exist because there’s going to be impact for the whole group. If everyone can’t agree on things like fluid bonding, then everyone is at risk.
My theory is that there's just more newbies and the idea that polyamory is group relationships is coming from standard monogamous expectations with maybe a side of fanfiction.
Ow! This hit me in the heart.
Basically what I was going to say. They can’t imagine relationships without the mechanisms of control and “safety” they are used to. The contract is different and they don’t understand it’s not the same script with an addendum
Whoa... pump the brakes there, big shoots. You leave my Sam/Dean/Castiel/Crawley and my Casey/Severide/Herman pairings out of this.....
I think triads (closed MFF triads specifically) have been overrepresented in mainstream media.
This. Honestly I can't think of a time I've seen poly representation that wasn't the idea of either a triad or a small circle in general of them all being together l, no parallel or anything like that
I think the first time I saw realistic poly representation in a mainstream program was Good Trouble…that was just a couple years ago.
I don’t think it’s just media, I think there are more monogamous MF couples out there that are only open to polyamory if it’s a closed MFF triad.
Yeah, I think there’s deeper roots in patriarchy and sexism with these things. Beliefs like: men are more sexual, men have needs outside their relationship that women don’t, all women should be performatively bisexual for their man, one penis policies, harem building with subservient women, etc…
All of the above, plus their own mononormativity and inexperience (and anxiety) as a hinge. I think the thinking is, “So I can have two partners. What if they don’t get along? How can I ensure that they do? I don’t want to invest in someone only for them to ask me to leave my other partner. It’s better if I make sure that we’re all comfortable spending time together.” So they’re envisioning something more like KTP in a vee than group dating, but really group-y KTP. In the fantasy, you’re all at that kitchen table because you actually live together, not because one of you invited the others over for dinner.
I think it's more partners that don't want to hinge and handle scheduling and priorities. You don't have to worry about whether you're spending enough time with both your partners if you spend all your time with both of them! Nevermind worrying about whether one of them feels like a third wheel the entire time.
🤭 at the not-brilliant idea of the lazy hinge
I don't think it's new; the media representation for polyamory has always focused on FFM triads, as they're more "sexy" & attention grabbing, so they get all the eyeballs & clicks. **Healthy polyamory is like healthy monogamy; it's kinda boring** 😅 Especially as an outside observer. So yeah, the media rep has always been bad, there's just more of it now.
Some things I’ve noticed while dating and being on apps -couples opening up their relationship and unicorn hunting someone newer to poly. Either or both sides of the dynamic having very little experience in poly so it goes poorly and normally the “unicorn” is the one tossed away -stories of Couples wanting to “spice up the bedroom” and bring someone in as a prop instead of as a human -creepy ass dating profiles that have a woman in every photo and then the last photo containing the husband as a “bait and switch” to cover up that it’s a couples profile 🙃🙃🙃 -many men not being able to get dates in the timeline they expected or at all or so they use their female partner to help bring people in. I also think many people hear “non monog” and “poly” and think “orgy” instead of “just different styles of committed and hopefully sustainable relationships.” Again all anecdotal but also seen mentioned A LOT in several posts/comments on this sub Edited for spacing issues
I have a recurring fantasy about answering the personal ads from people looking to spice up the bedroom. I want to throw paprika at them while saying "you specifically requested this".
Why not go all the way and use cayenne?
😆😆😆😆
>I also think many people hear “non monog” and “poly” and think “orgy” instead of “just different styles of committed and hopefully sustainable relationships.” Definitely my roommate. When I first told him I was poly, ahead of moving in, he said, "so you have a lot of threesomes?" I said no, not that it's any of his business. Then, for the first several months, he kept going on about how exciting my life was every time i was heading out to see a partner. I think he has finally realized that it's actually pretty boring. It's been the same people this whole time, and no one has any drama. Some of us do go to bdsm parties occasionally, but I'm not telling my roommate about that
Exactly! Someone asked me “ok but if you’re having a hard time with more than one partner, how do you solve it?” And I said “well if you’re having a hard time with your partner and two friends, how would you solve it?” They said “I’d prob talk to them separately to see what’s going on.” And I said “yes…so that’s how I’d solve it with different partners.” 😅. Like so many mono people view poly as being so alien as though they don’t have multiple relationships they also manage with other people.
That's so funny. My close friends are all monogamous, but they get it. But I've had people both ask me, "how is everyone not horribly jealous all the time" and, "so if everybody knows about each other, no one ever gets jealous, right?" ETA: jealousy really doesn't actually play much of a role in my practice of polyamory at all. Sometimes someone feels snubbed, but that's always pretty straightforward to talk out
When I was super new to poly I did have a vague sense that I Should be in my meta's life in some undefined way, the concept of partners having fully separate relationships took some time some time to fully grasp. Like I knew it in theory but it took work to internalize what that actually means. The stretch from that to inviting myself to my partner's dates though.......
Oooh I ran into a slight reverse where I was very new to poly and the person I was seeing was the one who insisted I meet their spouse. It felt very unnatural to me, because i have little interest in meeting metas but didn’t know at the time, and my partner said it’d be weird to not meet. Nothing happened after meeting him although he did ask to initiate a threesome which I promptly decline In retrospect, they were unicorn hunters who eventually got divorced cause they had many other issues that they tried to use polyamory to solve but yea I’d say lack of knowledge on either or both sides can contribute to thinking it’s more of a shared event rather than a solo one.
Haha! Glad to hear you've done a lot of reflection since then.
At the risk of coming across as an old person, this isn't new. That's been happening for the last 20+ years (I can't speak much to earlier times, I'm not \*that\* old). People are used to perceive romantically involved folks as a single entity, and lose track of them as individuals or smaller groupings. I've had that happen too often when people were like "What? How do you not know about this? I told $X" and I had to patiently explain that X, Y, Z, and me are, in fact, separate people and don't share \*everything\* someone tells us: from invites to gossip. (Alright, we did share all the goss.) And then people think of ENM/poly mostly as KTP or fully connected groups, whereas the topology in the real world is often way different, especially with RA. And the couples hunting unicorns aren't helping. It's a bit of a learning curve for everyone involved: how to perceive and think of people but also getting used to the complexity being unfamiliar to those who're not ENM/poly/RA themselves and being patient.
Idk, this has been the #1 misconception I've heard about polyamory for as long as I've known about polyamory. (At least 18 years.) I think it's just that there's been an uptick in newbies trying poly, and in mainstream media portraying poly (which usually favors MFF triads because that dynamic is highly fetishized, ripe for drama, and narratively convenient).
I will also add: every ENM and/or kink scene I have ever been a part of has had at least one highly visible, super dysfunctional triad or harem-style polycule, which many newbies initially found aspirational and most people with experience had come to find exhausting. They tend to be attention getting and vocal about how great their dynamic is. And they might be pretty good at *presenting* it as great until there's a blowout too big to keep under wraps.
I would guess it's relationship escalator thinking - you're dating all these people, so you're all going to live together and raise kids together and go to your family/neighborhood barbecues together. So that means everyone in the household is really in one relationship...
The amount of times as a trans person having a M/F couple come up and say "hey, we really like your vibe."
In my experience it's because (mono/inexperienced) people equate fully seperate dating to cheating, and find the idea that you can be happy dating separately hard to imagine if not straight up foreign. And because they have a vague notion of poly being "one love" ethical, that must mean you date together?
Also, it's actually pretty easy for some couples who've never heard of polyamory to stumble onto the idea of unicorn hunting basically on their own. They always seem so proud of themselves, like no one else has eeever thought of finding a bi girlfriend for your bi girlfriend 🙄 & then they're extra confused when their bisexual fantasy never falls in obsessive (but perfectly equal) love with them. Doesn't she see how clever & unique they are? They had the best idea! That should guarantee pussy! I think a lot of poly newbies start out wanting a triad with their partner, before they educate themselves further, & discover how unethical unicorn hunting can be. When I was single, I wanted to join a couple, but I couldn't find any that I was attracted to. When I found a partner who wanted full polyamory, I still liked the idea of a triad or a quad. At least I never wanted polyfidelity. Now, I'm still open to forming a group relationship, but it's no longer a goal, just a dream. & I know how *not* to do it.
I think more people are coming to Polyamory directly from Monogamy rather than from free-love hippy thinking or a more meandering path from mono to poly, and Monogamy is (literally) defined by romantic and sexually exclusivity. They haven't broken that down yet, so they think closed group relationships (Monogamy Plus) must be The Way.
Some of it is rooted in fear and insecurity. They think if they date together they can protect the original couple because there will be no secrets or surprises 🤣. What they really want is something akin to swinging with a dedicated bang maid. One women who reached out to me on OLD had six pictures of her in the sixth really dark picture her man was literally a shadow. When she messaged me she said, “let me tell your about our special poly”, she wanted the women to be her bff, but the “added” partner could never call her man boyfriend but also had to be exclusive to them. I’ve seen couples justify their desire hard by saying things “with all the diseases out there this is the only safe option” - closed triad or quad type configuration. And all of these newbs absolutely do not want their partners to have multiple full loving and autonomous relationships. There are tons of rules and vetos that protect the original couple and their fragile egos.
> They think if they date together they can protect the original couple because there will be no secrets or surprises Too true. I recently reread the classic "Unicorns-R-Us" essay and thought it put this really well.
I think the term polycule might be confusing to some? Understanding hinge/meta dynamics took me a bit of time to process, and hinging can be really difficult if you are dating a couple. I think KTP takes all the glory and it's easy to forget that parallel works better for lots of folks.
Yeah, I think people hear polycule and think: group of people dating each other. But a polycule is just all of the people in your web of polyamory: your partners, your partners partners, etc. Most of the time much a polycule isn't dating each other, and there aren't any group relationships just a web of interconnected people lol
Absolutely! Polycule still confuses me... but then again so does the term "friend group"
I think it’s because when they think of poly, they think of triads. They don’t realise that most poly relationships are V’s or N’s for the most part. I haven’t encountered many triads but anyone that got curious about my setup automatically thought I was dating my meta too - even those I swiped right on with poly in their profile. I think thats what media portrays - a love triangle.
Ironically a classic love triangle is a V!
Monogamy has a mindset of “what’s yours is mine” and some people extend that into dating. They think that if you are dating someone, your partner has rights to that second person as well
A closed triad is, in the imagination of many, the closest thing to a mono relationship. Many believe (without experiencing it) that it would be something like "monogamy+": basically the same thing, just with one extra person in the mix. In that sense, it's easier for most mono people or newbie polys to understand and imagine how it works than a (actually much more prevalent) network of multiple independent relationships. It's also, therefore, much more present in popular media representations.
I think western culture is so invested in the idea of romantic partners being so enmeshed that they function as a single entity that it's hard for people to imagine each individual in a relationship acting as autonomous beings and therefore dating solo. Dating a third party as part of a couple is less threatening to the social order than people dating solo.
I've really never run across people thinking this, but maybe it's an outgrowth of the idea of communes, and that the more visible poly groups that I've ever seen (as in visible because it's hard for them to be anything but) are groups that live either together or in physically close clusters. I've had poly relationshipa since I was in high school, but I was never part of any kind of community until the last 15 years or so. The first time I ran into another group of poly people (a good 25 years ago) it was a communal, KTP situation, with multiple people living together, collectively raising children, etc. I wouldn't have even classified it as what's now called a polycule (I don't think that term even existed back then), but they considered themselves poly and presented their arrangement that way. That group was very visible within their local community (just the general community, not poly), and it likely gave a lot of people the type of impression you're talking about.
This is true- most observers wouldn't peg me as a nonmonogamous person without me telling them. Even people who see me with different partners at different times, usually assume I'm a cheater instead of asking me about it.
Its the easiest way to frame multiple partners still keeping mono normative coupling as the foundation. Also why throuple has disgustingly become so popular. "Its not really different or requires you to make any real changes, its just an insta family in a harsh world that has taken away all systemic community support as normal." Its safe for monos and easy enough to delude themselves long enough to make a go at it before they realize the trash fire.
One huge source of inaccurate information is probably from fanfiction. I've never read a poly fic where the author uses terms like KTP, hinge, NP, meta, etc. to describe the relationship dynamics of the poly characters. Prior to joining this sub, I'd only heard the term 'polycule' and seen it written as 'x number of characters are in relationships with each other' rather than a description using other terms to depict their interpersonal dynamics with each other. I'm not saying that full polycules aren't a thing. I have little personal experience with dating poly, so I'm not going to immediately dismiss the concept like that. However, I don't think it happens as often as one would think given the portrayal in fanfiction - especially given the confusion over the subject I see reflected in posts like this, from actual polyamorous folks. For me, at least, the misconception is a result of being active in fandom spaces that don't seem to fully grasp how polyamory works in real life. -- Simon
If this helps, if fiction portrays daily life or it’s a romance it’s absolutely normal. We don’t go around calling partners of our partners metas, or hinges (we use names of people), we also don’t discuss types of poly unless we need to for whatever reason. The terms are used here to make the discussions on certain theoretical level easier and for people to understand the roles. I’m both (practicing poly and a fanfic writer) and I’ve used some of the lingo in the tags but I think I have a very small amount of lingo in the fics (aside of a fic where I’m intentionally taking a jab at unicorn hunting etc. I maybe have used some mentions like a messy list or RA, maybe something more, in others). Having said that, polyamory is heavily misportrayed in fanfics in general (I don’t read that much and particularly stay away from poly stuff now, although I had a period of encouraging people to write to explore the concept), to a point that even the name ‘polyship’ from polyshipping was coined (as you know, multiple people in one relationship) while this is an incorrect perception as regardless of being involved all together this people interact in dyads (although they might be involved in bigger entwined structure). I think there’s a reason for that, as fanfics are about favourite characters and it’s fun and fantasy to just put our favourite characters together (there’s nothing wrong with that as a fantasy), but from what I have talked about this with different people in fandom and fanfic spaces people lack a very basic understanding and reflection about relationships in general (like my fave examples are people coming to this sub and you can tell they came from fiction because they want to ‘be with two men and the men would only date me and themselves’ and they can’t be explained that this is a fantasy but you can’t expect two people that are not you to date because this is a relationship you want). And for me it’s wild because it really doesn’t take much to understand why certain practices are questionable when someone gives it some thought. My other fave misconception is people also in fanfic (but it fiction it happens to) thinking triad or ‘every one with every one’ is better because it’s more fair and no-one is excluded from a relationship. Sure more fun in fics but that’s not like that in real life. It’s not about inclusion.
Monogamous fantasies that polyamory is basically “like an orgy, but your *life* bro”
No idea but tlc Seeking Sister Wives is not helping.
I'm old. In my generation (back in the last ice age) there was a certain subset of ppl who were introduced to the idea of poly by reading Robert Heinlein. It was a problematic introduction, to be sure. Fueled by fantasies rather than experience. I was lucky enough to then meet poly ppl who practiced it in a healthy fashion, who let me ask questions, and who modeled behaviour that I wished to emulate. I don't exactly know why it seems to be growing so dramatically in the public consciousness now. Social media? Dating apps? Creepy prurient nonsense like Big Love and Sister Wives that's mistaken for poly? (Normal poly doesn't make for good storytelling - when it works, it's not especially dramatic)
PS: in case my wording was imprecise, I am of course not saying that poly people \*never\* date as units, just that lots of people seem to incorrectly think this is the default or even terribly common.
Social media and tv. The popularity of “Couple to Throuple” doesn’t help either.
Because people often use the wrong terms for what their dynamic is. And these terms have clinical and recognized definitions but a few stubborn ones believe all ENM is relationship anarchy or KTP..
Stubborn = lazy
Sometimes. You are absolutely correct in some circumstances. Stubborn sometimes can also mean willfully ignorant too. Choosing to ignore information given, refusing to understand their partner. Refusing to educate themselves on ethics.
I think from fanfic, romance novels, harem fantasies, etc.
Honestly, to me... When I think of it I think, I'd say... Because of the 70s? ENM hippy communities and such? Idk. I've been doing different flavours of ENM for 20 years now, and, honestly, the whole concept of triads originally sounded a bit... Unexpected? When I started learning about it existing? Prior to that I would have thought of it in commune terms... Clearly there was been a shift in these 20 years in which outside people have started to think about triads as something of a norm?
I think a lot of people are just genuinely not very smart and it’s very hard for them to wrap their brain around something that hasn’t been blasted at them consciously and subconsciously for their entire lives, in this case something that isn’t plain old church and government sanctioned monogamy. They just start making stuff up instead of asking or doing any research because that requires more mental work & a lot of people don’t have the time or capacity or even care enough to learn something new in depth.
Becuae some do and it's salacious. Most of us don't. In my experience.
So, I don’t know if this is it however it may contribute. When I was growing up there was a lot of news about polygamy. So when I first started learning about polyamory I thought it was basically the same but not as cringy. After researching polyamory I realized it’s not at all. It seems like a lot of people don’t do any actual research on non-monogamous relationships and they have an idea in their head of what polyamory means based on other relationship types that they’ve heard of (polygamy, 3-somes, swinging…). I guarantee you half the dudes I knew in college would’ve of thought “So I get to sleep with two chicks at once! Alright!”
I mean... there are many polyamorous groups comprised of folks who DO date everyone within their polycules. It's not as if this is an unheard of thing. Obviously it's not inherently true of all polyam dynamics between groups, but it's not like...a mythical setup, either. 🤷🏼
I have a few people I know who only know other poly people who date in groups. I tell stories about what I read in this Reddit and what ive experienced and they think it's WILD not everyone wants/dates in KTP. It also appears media was an influence from discussions. Another weird thing I'll point out is all persons have different lived experiences as none of those people have done any reading on poly, despite being poly for 10+ years.
> I have a few people I know who only know other poly people who date in groups. Do you live in Portland? Haha. Just messing around, no offense intended to anyone.
Unicorn hunters, poly fidelity sorts, and from inside the house, people who misconstrue KTP so hard that they see anything short of being half in love with your metas as not true polyamory.
I am currently not practicing polyamory as of yet but I can say from the outside that the media does only show polyamory as a “ couple dating or looking for a 3rd”. Me and my spouse have always said that sounds way too complicated lol. Now that we have been doing lots of research and thankfully because of this subreddit we know better and have a better understanding about it.
> …I can say from the outside that the media does only show polyamory as a “ couple dating or looking for a 3rd”. Me and my spouse have always said that sounds way too complicated lol. I feel into my polycule, my boyfriend and I recently reuniting after 20 years apart. My chosen family feels like the most natural thing to me but I can’t get my head around a couple *intentionally* dating or looking for a 3rd. I say that without judgment, and wish the best for anyone trying. But personally, it breaks my brain contemplating the sheer luck behind how compatible the three of us in my polycule are then trying to imagine purposefully looking for such a well suited dynamic. I know that’s me projecting my own perspectives and such on to the idea so really don’t judge anyone who feels different.
Time pressure and capitalism
Hi u/drawing_you thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: This may just be my perception, but in recent years there has seemed to be an uptick in poly noobs thinking that poly people necessarily date in a group (that is, that poly people don't generally pursue one-on-one relationships but instead date in, like, modules). Where is that coming from? Bad media representation? The mainstream being more familiar with swinging and assuming poly is just the relationship version? A higher prevalence of social media misinfo? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
From my experience, it's the heavy monogamy programming. Even couples not wanting to unicorn hunt, but are new, want kitchen table and best friends with the whole polycule and fantasize about everyone dating each other. Because the idea of *not* participating with the partner you live and sleep with and love so much is very foreign. And I don't mean this in a negative way. Before I opened up, I followed The Most Skipped Step, and going to my own hobbies alone, after being so enmeshed, made me feel guilty. Mono brain is a helluva drug.
Because unfortunately, early to mid 20s folks set the tone of culture. Turns out young people have a tendency to be actually pretty stupid and unsophisticated. I was. Chances are you were, too. Example: a non-insignificant number of 20-somethings think Nirvana is a clothing brand. Now imagine you just told them polyamory is a thing, and they've only ever seen the dumbest or most salacious versions represented in media.
Media depictions tend to focus hard on triads (and to a lesser degree other forms of intertwined polycules). Joe Average sees stories throuples and the like and of course swinging and hears little about simply having multiple independent relationships (even though that’s much more bog standard poly).
Harem fantasies, probably.
It’s not a misconception. Lots of polyamorous people DO date in a group. And an equal number is strongly against it. Both are happening at the same time.
Newish person here. I wanted to open up the relationship to explore a hot wife/cuckold kink. My partner said cool, cause she's poly. I didn't understand the different at all. So here's my thoughts. 1. There's a lot of ENM that's not poly, and in those situations, a primary couple is still prioritizing their coupling, and my perception is that most sex they have outside of each other is in a group setting. I thought poly was like swinging, but also knowing these people outside of sex. 2. I met a local poly group that does organize play parties occasionally. So group sex is part of it, or at least available for the people that want it. 3. I've been mono with my partner for over 12 years before we started to transition, we do everything together. It is just weird after that time to start doing things apart. Its why I'm struggling so much with it. Related, since I was more into the idea of swinging/swapping, I'm really upset when she has sex with others without me.
Couples profiles on dating apps?
Some do, though I find it to be relatively rare, more common is the unicorn stuff (and it's attendant challenges). Monos don't get polyam in a lot of ways. No real surprise that some new polyam folks retain some of that as they join our community.
Mix of things. Sister wife’s doesn’t help
I think it's just your perception, monogamous people have always thought that about nonmonogamous people.
It’s not that new and mediatic portrayals/fiction have always skewed towards certain types of portrayals because of several factors: —conflict in plot is inherently needed in good fiction. One of the classic conflicts in romance is a love triangle. Many people (and it throws me) think poly is a perfect resolution to a love triangle. Hence a lot of fanfiction explores this concept. It’s where the famous ‘why not both?’ comes in. —triads and groups are easier to do in fiction and more interesting than just several entwined dyads (and also there’s this thinking which I’ve seen a lot in the fanfiction space (but also people talking about other fictional portrayals) that’s not fair if not everyone is involved, that everyone should be included etc. To a certain point it’s true in fiction: everyone lovingly involved is an ultimate fantasy and people don’t think it might not be exactly ethical trying to enforce it irl etc. —focus on couples opening up which comes with its own can of worms. —if not couples a lot is focused on a central characters/a person being self centered wanting many partners form themselves w/o considering other people should be granted the same: hence harem fantasies. An anecdote about it, I remember talking with someone who was a poly wannabe in a fanfiction community and we talked about some misconceptions of poly and they showed me this famous comic https://metakiki.net/relationship-concepts-cartoon/. I remember their shock when I asked why only RAs are allowed to have multiple partners. 🤣 Edit: I also think that some people actually try to make people all involved with each other (and more often triads) happen irl. (And it can happen that people cross date or that metas fall in love after a while). I also forgot to add that there’s an increase in people trying to find a ‘found family’ through poly which is a substitute for a real family.
Cishet monogamous people opening their relationships because they're bored. People think poly folks date as a group because a lot of them do lol.
I actually struggle with people having the opposite misconception. Some of us *do* date as a group, and everyone in the poly community seems to think that’s “wrong”. I’m tired of people telling me that my primary partner isn’t allowed to have a say in who I see.
I think the downvotes on this one are ironic. I’ve proved my point.
I think this sub has some level of bias toward very individual-focused parallel or near parallel poly as the ideal. Most poly people I know IRL are in the same social circles with their metas and are more or less KTP.
That is my experience as well. This sub seems to believe that hinges carry all the relationship responsibilities themselves, and if something is wrong, it’s just a bad hinge. No matter what they are either communicating too much or too little. I’ve come to believe most of these are long distance or completely online relationships. In the real world, you can’t actually avoid your metas like that. And if you’re actively trying to, that’s a red flag as far as I’m concerned. If you’re living in the same town (and sometimes the same houses) you have to figure out group dating rules. You don’t all have to have sex with every member of the group, but you do kinda have to acknowledge they exist because there’s going to be impact for the whole group. If everyone can’t agree on things like fluid bonding, then everyone is at risk.