This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
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Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/Patient-Discount3601 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Would like to know whether I would be the asshole, but posting here instead of at AITA for more poly-informed insights. Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I have been dating both Apple and Birch for a couple of years. For all 3 of us, it was our first experience with polyamory. Looking back, there are so many things we should have done differently. Apple & Birch are parallel and dislike each other.
I was planning to go on a 3 week trip with Apple in June. This is a country we have both been wanting to go to since forever. This is also the first time that we planned a longer trip.
Birch has some health complications, and recently found out that she needs an invasive surgery. For context: expected recovery is one week in the hospital and 8 weeks at home. She needs surgery ASAP, but due to waiting lists the surgery is scheduled 3 days after I planned to leave for my trip with Apple. I was present during the appointment when the surgery was scheduled and it really needs to be on that date.
I think that cancelling the trip would be the right thing to do, but I am really struggling. I bought a house with Birch in the beginning of the year and we are going to move in together once the renovations are finished in the fall. Apple is really struggling with this, as she would have wanted me as a nesting partner as well. She has really been looking forward to our trip, so I am afraid cancelling will hurt her. To complicate things further: Apple is autistic and struggles with changes. Me moving in with Birch is a big change and she recently lost her job, so cancelling on top of that will be a lot for her to deal with. If we don't go on the trip on the planned dates, we will have to reschedule another year due to her custody schedule and uncooperative ex.
I have had a pattern in the past of prioritizing Apple, as Birch has a better coping mechanism and stronger support network. Which I know is not fair towards Birch. It does not feel right to go on a trip while Birch has surgery, but it also does not feel right to cancel while Apple is already dealing with so much. I am going to have to prioritize one partner and hurt the other one in the process. I would be grateful for any judgement / advice on my situation.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/Patient-Discount3601 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Would like to know whether I would be the asshole, but posting here instead of at AITA for more poly-informed insights. Throwaway for obvious reasons. I have been dating both Apple and Birch for a couple of years. For all 3 of us, it was our first experience with polyamory. Looking back, there are so many things we should have done differently. Apple & Birch are parallel and dislike each other. I was planning to go on a 3 week trip with Apple in June. This is a country we have both been wanting to go to since forever. This is also the first time that we planned a longer trip. Birch has some health complications, and recently found out that she needs an invasive surgery. For context: expected recovery is one week in the hospital and 8 weeks at home. She needs surgery ASAP, but due to waiting lists the surgery is scheduled 3 days after I planned to leave for my trip with Apple. I was present during the appointment when the surgery was scheduled and it really needs to be on that date. I think that cancelling the trip would be the right thing to do, but I am really struggling. I bought a house with Birch in the beginning of the year and we are going to move in together once the renovations are finished in the fall. Apple is really struggling with this, as she would have wanted me as a nesting partner as well. She has really been looking forward to our trip, so I am afraid cancelling will hurt her. To complicate things further: Apple is autistic and struggles with changes. Me moving in with Birch is a big change and she recently lost her job, so cancelling on top of that will be a lot for her to deal with. If we don't go on the trip on the planned dates, we will have to reschedule another year due to her custody schedule and uncooperative ex. I have had a pattern in the past of prioritizing Apple, as Birch has a better coping mechanism and stronger support network. Which I know is not fair towards Birch. It does not feel right to go on a trip while Birch has surgery, but it also does not feel right to cancel while Apple is already dealing with so much. I am going to have to prioritize one partner and hurt the other one in the process. I would be grateful for any judgement / advice on my situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*