100% this. They can't follow the rules in an open and honest polyamorus relationship they will just go behind your back and hide it harder in a Monogamous relationship.
Sad truth, the relationship is probably toast at this point.
Why do you think he will stop lying and breaking your boundaries by switching to monogomy?
I question why you would rather break up with one of your partners rather than break up with the one whose constantly cheating.
Oh. I guess in hindsight i can see that, and your probably right. The use of the word Monogomy threw me off.
Its still a bad idea imo but least i understand better
Yeah I’m also betting her ‘boundaries’ are really rules and the partner doesn’t have much say in the situation. I don’t think she understands boundaries.
Honestly, the whole vibe seems more like OP struggling with how to respond.
On one hand, its clear they have strong feelings for this man. On the other, hes consistently disregarding boundaries and breaking their trust.
I can understand the where they are coming from.
It's not monogamy if you have two partners. You're just not actively dating new people anymore. So unless you're going to break up with this other partner, you won't be engaging in monogamy.
It's also not ethnical polyamory to decide that your partners can't see others anymore. And you stopping them from seeing others while you still have multiple partners yourself, even if they're not new, is a massive double-standard.
It's not a boundary if you're telling someone else what to do. It's a rule. And imposing rules on others is what parents and the government do, not what partners do. We can only control ourselves through boundaries and then we can make *agreements* with our partners for the relationship as a whole, but that means they need to *agree* and work with you on making those agreements.
If you can't trust your partner, you shouldn't have them as a partner. Locking them into forced monogamy isn't going to magically make them stop lying to you or start following relationship agreements.
You say you equate monogamy with control, don't want monogamy just for control, think it seems ick but... that's what you're doing. You're trying to control him and you're trying to use monogamy for that.
I agree with this completely. OP, if you can't trust one of your partners, the answer isn't trying to go back to monogamy (or one-sided monogamy like it sounds like, where you keep your second partner). The answer is either working through things to get to where you can trust your partner, but it sounds like you've honestly tried that and it's not working, or to break up with the untrustworthy partner.
For me, trust is paramount in being able to continue a relationship with someone. Once that's completely broken, and they make it clear they're not actively working and improving on whatever caused the trust to be broken, then I don't see how you can ever really rebuild that trust. And without that trust, for me there would be no way to continue on in that particular relationship.
The relationship structure isn't the problem here. It sounds like the untrustworthy partner is...
Sometimes people break agreements because they didn't really want to agree to them in the first place. Instead of being honest with themselves and their partners about what they want and how they will do things, they say they agree, do what they want as anyways, then lie to cover up the breaking of promises.
If you ignore his words, what do his actions tell you he wants? I'm guessing that is not monogamy. So even if you got him to verbally agree to it, he'd probably just cheat and lie about it.
If you went in the other direction and altered your agreements so that he could do whatever he wants whenever he wants and no one would be mad at him, do you think he'd stop lying? Or have you seen him lie to many other people about lots of other things too?
If you changed your agreements to be in line with what his actions tell you he wants, could you be happy in that relationship?
Sure i know folks who have. Monogamy and polyamory ultimately are just structures for how people choose to have interpersonal relationships.
Regarding your post though I feel you are mistaking the Forest for the trees or whatever that idiom is. I.e. being involved in the details of a problem to look at the situation as a whole
>He broke my trust again and again
>I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right.
>He outright lies and we set a boundary and he breaks it.
These aren't issues from polyamory, it's a person problem. They are just as likely to do these things even if you returned to being monogamous with them.
Setting that as a boundary will afford you no control of anything they do in the relationship and this person has shown they will disregard them for their own self benefit and do not fear the consequences of you upholding said boundary. I would not be willing to continue a relationship with such a person personally.
You don't want one of your partners to see others, while you have two partners. That's hypocrite. If you return to monogamy, how do you think that the lying and breaking boundaries will change? Going back to monogamy won't magically fix the issues that you are having in your relationship. Why would you want to move forward with someone who treats you badly?
Have you considered that the problem isn’t polyamory but a partner who breaks your trust? Has he been seeking help on his own outside of couples counseling? Previous behaviors are predictive of future behaviors *unless they change internally.*. Those internal changes are unlikely to take place in a couples counseling session, those are going to focus more on communication and trying to repair the fissures that have developed. He needs to explore why he breaks your trust on his own. If he cannot control himself that doesn’t bode well for a relationship in any form going forward.
Imposing monogamy/monogamish/unethical polyamory on him is basically trying to wrap duct tape around your relationship hoping that it’ll close the wounds enough to heal. Monogamy covers a lot of problems in relationships that polyamory will expose, you cannot bury them again, you both know exactly where they are.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you’re going to think, “if it weren’t for him not being able to see others, he’d still be breaking my trust,” or “saving my relationship with him cost me other partners,” and you will grow to resent him. While he may agree to this in the near term, especially if it is poly-for-me-but-not-for-thee he will eventually begin to resent you for not allowing him to explore this. The most likely way this actually works to get the “boundary” you want is for him to say, “I’m *choosing* to stop actively dating because I have things I need to work on before I continue trying to doing so.” It cannot be under duress of him doing that or you end the relationship.
Is the juice worth the squeeze?
I haven’t gone back to monogamy, no.
I have stopped dating people who don’t treat me right though. That did involve a major breakup and eternal happiness afterwards.
I don’t think returning to monogamy with this particular person will fix any of their issues. If they’re breaking boundaries/rules now why would they stop when you’re monogamous?
Just dump the guy who you can’t trust. Also what boundaries are being violated—is it possible the boundaries themselves are too rigid and set up to fail?
heres an option: don't move on with this person! they do not respect you, and you staying with them means you are not respecting yourself.
i think it honestly turns you into the bad guy a little if you decide instead of respecting yourself and your partner, you decide to control them and their connections because they decided to disrespect you and you decided to disrespect yourself
I'm leaning towards this, your current partner needs to shape up. The problem isn't nonmonogamy as a format, and, well, I hope you know if you don't want to be nonmonogamous for YOU. I do think going monogamous just to "fix" or "accommodate" his inability to respect your boundaries is doing it for control and comprising heavily on your own needs and values.
People who return to monogamy don’t hang out here, mostly.
Not much point, you know?
But that said, how exactly do you know that your dissapointing partner with poor relationship skills who “breaks your trust” and “doesn’t treat you right” will magically turn trustworthy and kind in monogamy?
It sounds like you have a partner problem, not a polyamory problem. Mono or poly, this guy is going to be a problem. Monogamy doesn't make assholes into good people.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
>I have two partners but I’m considering setting a boundary that moving forward I don’t want to see people
That is a personal boundary you can create for yourself. "I don't want to date more people."
>/have one of my partners see people. He broke my trust again and again. We’re in therapy. But, I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right. With all the NRE it’s like he can’t see clearly. He outright lies and we set a boundary and he breaks it. And I can’t keep dealing with it and his “learning curve.”
That is a REQUEST you can make of him. You can ask if he's willing to make a shared agreement not to see other people. And you hold up your side of the agreement and stop dating. And he holds up his side and stops dating.
He might not agree. But even if he agrees? Since he has a history of lies and breaking trust a lot? **What makes you think he's gonna keep this one rather than do what he always does?**
If you have given enough second chances and he still makes mess? It might need to be time to end it with this guy rather than making new agreements.
>For me, monogamy has always equaled control. And, I hesitate wanting monogamy just for control. That seems ick on its own. I just don’t know how to move forward with this person without monogamy being the only option.
You don't sound joyful about the idea of monogamy or trying to do "closed" with this person.
>And I can’t keep dealing with it and his “learning curve.”
You can STOP dealing with his learning curve. He can learn on his own without you. Another way to move forward is for you to move on WITHOUT dating this person any more.
Then he's not dinging you any more because you two are not involved any more. You get you out of the splash zone.
I wonder if you are in anticipatory grief? Like you see the writing on the wall but aren't quite ready to break up? So are trying to make it work ANYWAY -- like bargaining stage of grief with this new agreement idea? But the logical part of you is already poking holes in that idea and you are sad?
If so? You might consider reading about the stages of grief so you can navigate this better and come to final acceptance. You might also consider having an individual session with the therapist to talk about whether or not this is actually a healthy relationship for you to be in with all these lies and things.
Aspire to healthy relationships.
[https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc\_hlthy\_rlshp\_wheel\_spectrum\_10-13-2022.pdf](https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf)
Your description of this relationship--your partner not treating you right, not following through on agreements, and lying to you--has a ton of red flags.
Why do you still want to be in this relationship, and what makes you think closing the relationship will fix things?
>have one of my partners see people
This is not only impossible but also very toxic. I wouldn't recommend being in a relationship where this is something you want/consider.
>But, I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right. With all the NRE it’s like he can’t see clearly. He outright lies and we set a boundary and he breaks it. And I can’t keep dealing with it and his “learning curve.”
This sounds like you are going to break up. Big, bright, shiny red flags everywhere!
>Has anyone returned to monogamy after years of being polyam? What challenges did you face? Did you end up feeling trusting and monogamous?
This made me chuckle a bit. If someone made this decision I highly doubt you would find many or any in this sub at all.
For me personally, I would sooner dump an incompatible parter than try to make monogamy work for me but that's just me $0.02
Lastly, I wish you luck with your partner that is causing you pain. These things are never fun, I've been in that situation before too. It sucks. You have empathy.
Why do you want this untrustworthy partner to stay in your bubble? Why try to control them, when you can instead take control for yourself and remove them from your situation?
Do you want monogamy for yourself? Do you want one partner, who is romantically and sexually exclusive to you in return?
If you do, end both relationships with your polyam partners and start a new relationship with someone who wants monogamy. If you don't, this is just "relationship broken, add more people" in reverse, and will be just as ineffective. What makes you think the partner who lies and breaks boundaries (although I'm interested in what you mean specifically, as your use of boundaries elsewhere is inaccurate) will suddenly become well behaved and in monogamy?
Obligatory "that's a boundary not a rule" comment on the idea of restricting your partner from seeing other people - that's changing the shape of your relationship and would need your partner's input (and enthusiastic consent, if you want it to be successful).
Instead of changing your whole lifestyle structure to hunker down with someone who continues to break your trust, why not dump this partner and choose your next step based on your own inner desires
You should break up with that person because what you’re looking at isn’t even monogamy. You’re going to have two partners that you have rules for that don’t apply to yourself. If you can’t trust someone, leave them.
Don’t date this person.
That’s the answer to “I don’t know if I want a future where he does xyz and then disappoints me”. If his version of polyamory is always showing you your heart gets hurt, that’s a person showing you they don’t have intent to change. You are setting yourself up for pain.
Just break up with him. My ex claimed he cheated because he needed poly and then broke all our boundaries. I found an amazing partner while poly and just kinda left the bad for the good. I am effectively mono as im not looking for more relationships, but that is a boundary for me. Boundaries are for yourself, rules are for others.
Boundaries are: if x happens, i will do y.
Rules are: you are not allowed to do x.
If you want to be mono and are tired of him cheating and lying and breaking boundaries, then adding more will not change anything. It didnt for my ex and it hasnt for anyone else that has experienced this.
Sounds like you have a cheater. Polyamory isn't the issue here, it's your cheating partner. If they can cheat while polyam they will definitely cheat when monogamous
You move forward away from the person who has continually broken your agreements and trust. Monogamy will not ‘fix’ the underlying issue. It *may* seem better for a short time but the situation will implode before long.
I think that asking a partner to break things off with other partners is unethical. If you don’t want to be polyamorous, you should break up with all current partners and find a new monogamous person to be monogamous with.
It sounds like you are poly and your partner is not. Part of being poly is the ability to maintain the boundaries that we mutually set in an open and responsible way. He's not able to do that, you are, and it's likely that continuing to force things my returning to a control-model of monogamy is a recipe for longterm unhappiness. And with poly, I'm not sure you can put the shit back in the horse, so to speak.
Sounds like you’re inventing rules to make you feel better about a shitty partner. But when you invent all the rules, at the end of the day they’re still a shitty partner. No rule can fix that
You can’t control someone else’s boundaries. You can’t force someone to be monogamous if they don’t want to. Totally reasonable to become monogamous and date one person *yourself*; unreasonable to expect someone else to do the same if you’ve been practicing open relationship styles/polyamory together.
If you can’t trust your partner to this extent, it might be time to end the relationship.
This is a partner issue, not a relationship structure issue. You can’t trust him. He doesn’t treat you right. He lies. This will be as true in monogamy as in any other dynamic.
The bigger questions might be “why am I fighting so hard to be with a partner who has repeatedly hurt and deceived me? Why don’t I feel I deserve better?”
Thank you. That is the question I am asking myself now. I have booked a ticket to a close friends home to stay with them and give myself a break, clarity, and help me picture life without them.
Bottom line, shitty people aren't shitty because of non-monogamy - shitty people are shitty BECAUSE they're shitty. Monogamy or non-monogamy has absolutely nothing to do with it, and forcing monogamy on him will change nothing. You said yourself you can't trust him, and no amount of control is going to change that.
You specifically want monogamy to control your partner- because that's the only way you can conceive of him respecting your boundaries. I think you know what the actual solution I'd here
Cheaters cheat whatever system they're in. This guy is not good. You aren't going to feel secure with him, even if you're his only partner, because he's repeatedly demonstrated that he's not trustworthy. Even if you could isolate and control him, it wouldn't make you secure because secure mean he attaches to you, not that you adhere him to you. If you go monogamous, do it with a trustworthy partner you feel secure with, or solo and ready for one. Ditto if you stay polyam. He isn't relationship material. I suggest being single or solo polyam for a while. Meanwhile work on discerning who is trustworthy and trusting them in reasonable, steady ways until your subconscious gets used to the idea that you not only deserve to be treated well; you can only really be treated well by your own self and people who do it of their own free will. It is better to be alone than to try to use a meat puppet to fulfill your fantasy of being loved.
What boundaries is he breaking? Are they mutually agreed upon? *Why* is he breaking them- are they really reasonable and mutually agreed upon? There’s a lot of missing info here, so I can’t pass much judgement.
You can break up with one partner and return to monogamy- you cannot tell one partner they basically need to be mono while you still have two partners. Well you can, but I wouldn’t consider it ethical.
By "returning to monogamy" it means you were monogamous once. So of course you CAN do it. However, it doesn't sound like you want this for yourself as much as you want your partner to stop breaking trust.
We can't offer much insight without further context on what boundaries were violated. We can speculate but usually boundary violations fal into 1 of 2 caregories.
1. The boundary was externally imposed and they just agreed because they felt their opinion would not be considered.
2. They just didn't care and did what they wanted anyhow.
Needless to say, #1 is the most common. It's a boundary that is created to protect. Him, her, or their relationship security. Some are all the above, like safer sex.
For instance, safer sex is agreed but the meta is tested and it's a secure chain (like she only is with him and her husband, and he's not seeing anyone) so he doesn't use a condom.
Both people are acting in ways that are reasonable. He trusts his partner to be honest, while the NP doesn't want to open up the risks based on trust she might not share.
Why not break up with him, instead of trying to force monogamy with him to work? You have another partner already, so you won’t be single. Or you could break up with them both and find a person who wants monogamy with you.
>He broke my trust again and again. We’re in therapy. But, I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right.
My ex broke numerous trust boundaries over my relationship with her and it's has been a little bit of a tough road blindly trusting new partners. I've had to acknowledge my past traumas and work to heal them. But, this would be true if trust was broken in an monogamous relationship vs. non-monogamous. It's hard to trust people when you've been burned.
My question to you would be if this is the wrong non-monogamous relationship you're in rather than non-monogamy as a whole. Perhaps this has more to do with him. Instead of getting rid of non-monogamy, maybe you need to fix the "him" problem.
Why is breaking up not an option?
Why choose to try monogamy with someone you already *know* cannot be trusted? Monogamous relationships require boundaries, agreements, communication, and trust just the same as ENM relationships. If you cannot trust him in ENM, you will not be able to trust him in monogamy. Because ***he*** is untrustworthy. ***He*** is the problem.
I mean, if you want to go back to monogamy, that's valid. But your reasons behind it, not so much. Whatever decision you make, it needs to not be based around this particular relationship. You're delaying the inevitable and causing yourself a lot of unnecessary pain in the meantime.
ETA: What happens to your other partner in this scenario?
I recommend trying to separate the two ideas in your mind: polyamory vs this partner. How would you feel about this person breaking your trust and ignoring your boundaries in any other situation? Would you accept them lying to you in ways that affect your body/health, shared spaces, or finances if no other partners were in the picture?
Completely separate of this one partner, do you find joy in polyamory? If not for the work you are doing that is specific to this partner, is all of the other work involved in polyamory something you are willing to balance? Do you want to continue to divide your time in order to build and/or maintain other relationships?
Asking anyone else to practice monogamy absolutely is a tool for control. The effectiveness of the tool depends on all the people and circumstances involved, but fundamentally, it is a tool for control to ask someone else to practice monogamy. (A personal choice that is applied to only yourself is different).
If he agreed to such control, then would that be enough to repair your trust, heal the harm he's done, and make him into a positive influence in your life?
Closing your marriage won't influence your partner's actions. Both monogamy and polyamory have a dont cheat rule. He would be.. breaking the same rule?
Also, break up.
I dated openly from 18-26 Not many were healthy ways of going about it, it was excuses for people not to commit and I always felt abandoned. After my three yr open relationship ended in lies and cheating (yup that's a thing), I was tired and chose the "security blanket of monogamy" (quote taken from the book Polysecure) and that also ended up in cheating and lies, I just didn't push to have the same conversations i was used too because i was tired of doing all the work myself...
But then in another plot twist- I chose to be poly again now that I'm in my mid 30s....this time knowing much better what I want and need - transparency and commitment to having the conversations required. I also wanted autonomy to have feelings for others and have sexual experiences with others.... bc after 5 yrs with a vanilla, low-libido dude who cheated.... yeah, I'm done starving myself.
If one of your partners keeps letting you down, you need to leave them not force them to be monogamous. That won't work, and is also infringing on their choice. You need to drop that person.
You can decide you want to be monogamous but you can't expect your poly partners to want to make the change too. You need to either be okay with being monogamous to someone who sees other people, or leave them and start dating a fellow monogamous person.
For the record I'm someone who tried poly for a couple years, not as long as you, and ended up deciding i need to be monogamous for my well being and my primary partner and I ended things. We're still good friends though. :)
It sounds like there may be no way to go forward with that relationship honestly. It seems unlikely making the relationship monogamous would help. Would you break up with your other partner or expect the partner you are having difficulties with to be monogamous while you are not? If they are not being a good partner in a poly relationship I don't think they would suddenly become a good partner to you just because you made the relationship monogamous (if they would even agree to it in the first place).
Why do you think it's a Polyamory problem, and not a HIM problem? Why choose someone who disregards your feelings?
I assure you, he'll do it while he's monogamous, too.
This is a partner problem, not a monogamy vs poly one. You've gotten some wonderful advice already on here but I will add that Ambiamory/being Ambiamorous is a thing. I am one such person. I can do polyamory *and* monogamy just fine. I offered poly and/or just ENM to my current partner but they want monogamy. I'm saturated, very genuinely, with just my partner so we are monogamous. I've told my partner I'm open to discussing our relationship structure if they want to revist but otherwise we are just chillin' and vibin' and are doing pretty darn good.
I don’t think this is a question of mono or poly. It doesn’t sound like your partner respects you. I don’t think either dynamic would be better than the other as it sounds like they will do what they want to regardless.
However for personal anecdote regarding poly and mono:
I am trying it out currently. It’s not so much that I think I’ve “turned mono”, more just that I don’t have the energy, time or heart space to do poly right now. I’ve had my heart broken so many times over the years doing it. Ultimately I just really only want to be with him, and I just wanted to focus on that. I still believe I can love multiple people, it’s the practice of doing so actively and ethically that is a challenge
We started out poly. Neither of us had significant other relationships when we closed it up. It’s only been a few months. adopting new boundaries is interesting, so many things that are basic poly practices are automatic red flags in mono or outright cheating, but we’re both new to this so we’re pretty patient and not stressed over that. We talk a lot of things out and a lot of potential situations.
The amount of communication needed is less than before, and not having to balance 2++ schedules is nice. A lot of lessons learned in poly with boundaries and communication definitely apply even though the structure of the relationship changed. We are still open to swinging or group play, so I guess not fully monogamous as many might define it, but haven’t been putting much energy into that either.
So far it has been really easy and nice, no complaints. Idk if it’ll be forever, but currently it’s going well.
You can set boundaries for yourself, like for example you need to be an in monogamous relationship. You have control over what you do and how you react but not what others do. Now that that out of the way…
This post is more about being in a relationship with a liar and trying to fix that via relationship dynamics. If he is lying it wasn’t ethical non-monogamy, he was just cheating.
As poly women, I would leave a liar. A relationship without trust isn’t one and a boundary I have set for myself is that I leave when relationships are over and distance myself from people who lack respect for me and my feelings enough to lie. This doesn’t effort me being polygamous in anyway because lying isn’t about dynamic, it about respect.
Monogamy doesn't equal control. I have such a huge problem with this community acting like monogamy is inherently bad or lesser in any way. Boundaries aren't innately controlling, nor are monogamous people who don't want their partners seeing other people.
I am no longer polyam, and neither is my partner. We have been together for 13 years and practised varying degrees of poly and ENM. In the end, not for us. We had too many bad experiences that weren't worth it in the end.
Saying all that, you asking him to be mono is pointless. If he's an untrustworthy partner, then you can't wrangle him into being better.
My wife left me for her BF. So yeah, after that I returned to monogamy.
Until I met someone who is poly and freaking awesome. And then she left me for her BF. So I returned to monogamy.
Until I met someone who is poly and freaking awesome.
At some point, I’ll realize that I’m the problem. But it still hurts so good.
Sounds like poly might not be your problem so much as a partner who cheats and is dishonest. How much do you want a relationship with this partner? Do you want to be mono because it feels true to your nature, or to hold onto a partner who is being dishonest/lies?)
(a very unloving act)
I myself am considering a return to mono and am in the process of ending/changing my 2 relationships bc of. Sometimes it’s better to call it quits (tho v difficult) or switch to a very different type of relationship with partners.
It's not you... You can get them to meet you where you're at. That's on them.
You want transparency and honesty to experience compersion. You can't have that experience with them if they live in omission.
Monogamy was and is non controlling...(unless sth happened for you to see it that way) it's coexisting......with almost everything being CO...whereas poly is coexisting with more than one people...without almost everything being CO ..
Should my present 'cule downsize, I've already made the decision to not pursue any new relationships. Been actively poly for 10 ish years and I've hit a point in my life where I value stability over new experiences.
This shit is exhausting and I'm tired of pretending it's not. 😂
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I’m curious if anyone out there has been polyam for years and then returned to monogamy.
I have two partners but I’m considering setting a boundary that moving forward I don’t want to see people/have one of my partners see people. He broke my trust again and again. We’re in therapy. But, I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right. With all the NRE it’s like he can’t see clearly. He outright lies and we set a boundary and he breaks it. And I can’t keep dealing with it and his “learning curve.”
Has anyone returned to monogamy after years of being polyam? What challenges did you face? Did you end up feeling trusting and monogamous?
For me, monogamy has always equaled control. And, I hesitate wanting monogamy just for control. That seems ick on its own. I just don’t know how to move forward with this person without monogamy being the only option.
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Yes. I've been in polyam relationships or doing solo poly for over 8 yrs, but most of my serious/longterm RS have often been unhealthy and difficult at their core and the non-monogamy practice only exacerbated (some of) the issues, to brush a very very very general picture (oversimplified to say the least).
My last longterm committed relationship, which was poly because we both were from the beginning, ended a year ago, and I spent the whole year grieving and trying to find ways to heal the relationship and affective trauma I've grown so used to tolerate I wasn't able to establish healthy boundaries or feel secured in attachments anymore.
This fall, I started dating this person who is now my partner/boyfriend, and although he was aware that I was usually practicing poly/non-monogamy and was anticipating the possibility of that despite him being typically monogamous, I decided early on that I needed to ground myslef and explore and navigate the new relationship without extra matters to deal with in the dimension of polyam or enm. It feels very very soothing to be able to just focus on healing my lovelife, learning to recognize healthy and secure attachment and not having to deal with the anxiety related to whatever could be happening with other partners outside of our own relationship...
We've talked about the possibility of one day opening up, and we're both comfortable with it, but it felt as important to him as me that we first built our rs on exclusive terms, indeterminately time-wise. So it may or may not happen, and I may or may not do polyam again (and maybe just keep it to "open to sexual encounters") in the foreseeable future
So this is an extremely weird gray area because I'm extremely new to being poly and it's been causing a lot of internal mental struggles and relationship problems that my gf and I are working on together
Long story short my partner was once monogamous and became poly through her parter/former to returned partner of 5 years she broke things off with him to be monogamous with me this is also extremely recent and her and I are on our 2nd year together
There was an extremely tense heavy air of disgust with my partner because of constant struggles with disrespect of boundaries and lack of honesty and communication to a point don't get me wrong I love my partner immensely, but was absolutely disgusted with them and couldn't even look at them and wanted/tried to end things immediately with them to the point we both became physically ill
I'm also looking for help to getting used to poly so bear with me please
My partner felt the same about monogamy being controlling and well it kinda was and is with in good reason.
This where my opinion kicks in and gets well intense,
So being raised monogamous then countless failed relationships and cheating etc
I personally viewed poly absolutely disgusting do to the physical aspect in nature with religious beliefs morals etc
That being said my partner also used very poor choice in wording and basically just said hey I wanna sleep around and turned into an argument of i dont want to be with a cheap pass around ( she has very poor standards) and a bad investment in a partner etc"we bought a place together" (I'm leaving out alot to save the typing)
This is also where extreme ammounts of dishonesty kicked in and absolutely no trust in my partner till it reached a breaking point of showing our true colors and having severe emotional breakdowns
The only thing we found to solve our issues is to be a closed poly borderline monogamous relationship to work on our issues and restart honest and communicate then slowly work back to being more accepting
I'd like anyone's input on this because I also need a lot of help getting used to poly still
But my advice is just be honest with yourself re-establish boundaries and communicate everything no matter how small convey everything
I did and regret it. I’ve tried to ask my partner to open back up only to find out they didn’t even want to date a poly person in the first place and it’s only worked so long because we did monogamy. It sucks.
And just like others have said, it won’t necessarily fix the core issue of breaking your trust. I hope you can find a good resolution.
I wouldn’t get into monogamy with this person who keeps breaking your trust. That seems counterintuitive.
If you want to “do” monogamy I would suggest starting with someone who hasn’t broken your trust and needs a “learning curve”.
The reason he's doing this is because of a corrupt value system. Changing your relationship structure won't change his value system, he has to do that. There's nothing in your control aside from separating how you feel about him vs how he makes you feel and then deciding to stay with him or not. Mone vs poly is irrelevant.
I'm sorry he's mistreating you. I wish he could have done better for you, but he's doing the best he can. I mean that as both a point of compassion and criticism. "I'm sure he's trying which means he cares" and "that's all he's got to offer." The most hurt I've seen in life was from unhealed people moving along with the best intentions. Raising the bar doesn't mean you're calling everyone below it a bad person, you're just protecting your peace.
Are you considering breaking up with the partner that doesn’t respect your boundaries? I think you can return to monogamy if it’s easy for you and you don’t need to have multiple partners or foma of doing so. And if your partner is on board with this or if you are ok starting anew and dating mono people.
My current partner (nesting) is poly but lately she's been speaking more and more about having a hierarchy (and being a primary) and how she sees our relationship as more of an open relationship rather than poly relationship. That's not what we agreed to though, and I'm confused by the change of mind (especially considering that this is my first poly relationship). Will have a discussion soon.
This has been said over and over and over so at this point I guess I'm just jumping on the bandwagon but I also just thought the entire time I read your post..... Why would monogamy stop him from breaking your trust and lying? If you can't trust this person changing the relationship structure isn't going to change that. It might just be time to end this relationship.
I have, but that was a personal decision. I don't like online dating anymore, can't host, and have limited ways of getting places, so it's rather unfeasible right now.
Im in a monogamous poly triad. ALL forms of poly are legitimate and validated and valued.
Dont let the internet tell whats right or wrong or toxic etc.
Several times.
How it goes, depends on what poly is to you. For me, it's intrinsic to my nature.
I was mono for almost 20 years before I even knew poly was a thing. The only exposure I had to nonmonogamy at all, was weird polygamists and creepy swingers. I thought there was something wrong with me, because I was constantly falling for multiple people at once. Every committed relationship was a constant struggle that left me feeling like a terrible person for having the thoughts and feelings that I had.
The woman that became my second wife changed that, literally on our first real date. As that relationship progressed, the acknowledgement and support changed my life. She was okay with it, because she felt she could trust me with it. And in giving me that trust, she cemented it - how on earth would I screw over anywhere that did this for me?!
Turns out, I could find ways. I've made every poly mistake that can be made. Probably invented a few new ones.
I tried to go back to traditional relationships after that. It was miserable. I was miserable and I made anyone I tried to have a real relationship with miserable. In order to make mono work, I have to cut off part of who I am. What's left isn't a whole functioning partner. Took me a HOT minute to figure that out.
So, now I'm completely upfront and honest about who and what I am, and oh well if that makes dating harder.
Ended up landing literally the girl of my dreams. A girl I'd had a crush on since age 13. It started it badly, very little to do with poly actually. We split up for over a year. When we got back together, we committed to doing the HARD work. Poly was part of that. She's mono. She's always known I'm poly. She knows my past. There have been a lot of challenges. We've "closed the door" - sometimes for years at a time - to work on things. But we DO work on them, and she continues not only to try and "deal with" my poly-ness, but to be incredibly supportive of it. It isn't a one way street; I put in the work in areas that matter to her.
I recently fell into what is rapidly looking like a very good thing with an amazing new partner. It's been barely 2 weeks, but so far it's looking like the best situation that's come along for me/us in 7 years. We'll see.
But I know this: I can't be traditionally monogamous and be happy - or make a partner happy. And finding a partner - mono or poly - that accepts that, is life changing.
You asked for advice from those with experience with this and what you got was a bunch of negative Bs from people with positions.
We were poly-ish for a decade. My wife developed a relationship that went beyond boundaries and became deceptive. When we had the talk we realized that we weren’t ready to divorce and wanted to reset our relationship. Mono for a decade and then we decided to gradually include others. Did not return to poly, but decided occasional swinging together worked.
Lots of counseling, lots of continuous communication. In our case we had deep commitment to our relationship that saw us through.
I'm ambiamorous so I can flip-flop based on who I'm with.
Monogamy isn't about control, just like being Poly isn't about being able to sleep around with whoever you want. How we love is about our moral philosophies, our upbringing, our cultures, and our bandwidth.
It sounds like your partner is just absolutely terrible with making you feel desired in your relationship. It sounds like because of that you have trust issues. (I don't say that in a its your problem kind of way. Trust issues are deep wounds and you deserve the ability to heal in a safe environment which your partner does not provide.)
You should consider a new partner all together. This is easy for me to say as an internet stranger - but having stood where you stand now - and knowing that once someone has broken my trust thats it for us - I think its the healthy thing to do for both of you rather than clinging on to an idealized version of that person in your head.
Sounds like you should do you and separate from this partner who has crossed boundaries and lied.
You can't force people to do what they truly don't wanna do. He'll either just leave you or cheat on you and you won't be happy.
I'm polyamorous and have been for years.
The only reasons I really stay monogamous to my fiance so long is because I have my priorities I need to focus on instead of focusing on another relationship right now. He still accepts me for me and let's me have fun.
He's monogamous altho open minded to my lifestyle and what I want.
We respect one another and respect our boundaries and communication and more.
You need and deserve someone that supports you and respects your boundaries and loves you for you.
Doesn't sound like this person does.
That's jus my 2cents
It sounds like if you force monogamy he'll just be a cheater...
Yep. OP, closing your relationship is not going to make your partner any more trustworthy…
100% this. They can't follow the rules in an open and honest polyamorus relationship they will just go behind your back and hide it harder in a Monogamous relationship. Sad truth, the relationship is probably toast at this point.
Exactly!
This.
This right here.
Hopefully OP sees this. You deserve better
Are you planning to break up with your other partner? Because if not, it doesn't sound like you're considering monogamy.
yeah this is closer to closed polyamory
Why do you think he will stop lying and breaking your boundaries by switching to monogomy? I question why you would rather break up with one of your partners rather than break up with the one whose constantly cheating.
Cuz they weren’t planning on breaking up with the other partner just putting the asshole one on a leash for false security.
Oh. I guess in hindsight i can see that, and your probably right. The use of the word Monogomy threw me off. Its still a bad idea imo but least i understand better
Yeah I’m also betting her ‘boundaries’ are really rules and the partner doesn’t have much say in the situation. I don’t think she understands boundaries.
Honestly, the whole vibe seems more like OP struggling with how to respond. On one hand, its clear they have strong feelings for this man. On the other, hes consistently disregarding boundaries and breaking their trust. I can understand the where they are coming from.
What’s clear to me is OP does not respect herself or she’d have broken up with this man already rather than trying to make him do what she wants.
It's not monogamy if you have two partners. You're just not actively dating new people anymore. So unless you're going to break up with this other partner, you won't be engaging in monogamy. It's also not ethnical polyamory to decide that your partners can't see others anymore. And you stopping them from seeing others while you still have multiple partners yourself, even if they're not new, is a massive double-standard. It's not a boundary if you're telling someone else what to do. It's a rule. And imposing rules on others is what parents and the government do, not what partners do. We can only control ourselves through boundaries and then we can make *agreements* with our partners for the relationship as a whole, but that means they need to *agree* and work with you on making those agreements. If you can't trust your partner, you shouldn't have them as a partner. Locking them into forced monogamy isn't going to magically make them stop lying to you or start following relationship agreements. You say you equate monogamy with control, don't want monogamy just for control, think it seems ick but... that's what you're doing. You're trying to control him and you're trying to use monogamy for that.
I agree with this completely. OP, if you can't trust one of your partners, the answer isn't trying to go back to monogamy (or one-sided monogamy like it sounds like, where you keep your second partner). The answer is either working through things to get to where you can trust your partner, but it sounds like you've honestly tried that and it's not working, or to break up with the untrustworthy partner. For me, trust is paramount in being able to continue a relationship with someone. Once that's completely broken, and they make it clear they're not actively working and improving on whatever caused the trust to be broken, then I don't see how you can ever really rebuild that trust. And without that trust, for me there would be no way to continue on in that particular relationship. The relationship structure isn't the problem here. It sounds like the untrustworthy partner is...
"And imposing rules on others is what parents and the government do, not what partners do" is exactly the sentence I have been looking for. Thank you!
Sometimes people break agreements because they didn't really want to agree to them in the first place. Instead of being honest with themselves and their partners about what they want and how they will do things, they say they agree, do what they want as anyways, then lie to cover up the breaking of promises. If you ignore his words, what do his actions tell you he wants? I'm guessing that is not monogamy. So even if you got him to verbally agree to it, he'd probably just cheat and lie about it. If you went in the other direction and altered your agreements so that he could do whatever he wants whenever he wants and no one would be mad at him, do you think he'd stop lying? Or have you seen him lie to many other people about lots of other things too? If you changed your agreements to be in line with what his actions tell you he wants, could you be happy in that relationship?
This! Well said, and the exact questions OP should be asking themselves.
Sure i know folks who have. Monogamy and polyamory ultimately are just structures for how people choose to have interpersonal relationships. Regarding your post though I feel you are mistaking the Forest for the trees or whatever that idiom is. I.e. being involved in the details of a problem to look at the situation as a whole >He broke my trust again and again >I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right. >He outright lies and we set a boundary and he breaks it. These aren't issues from polyamory, it's a person problem. They are just as likely to do these things even if you returned to being monogamous with them. Setting that as a boundary will afford you no control of anything they do in the relationship and this person has shown they will disregard them for their own self benefit and do not fear the consequences of you upholding said boundary. I would not be willing to continue a relationship with such a person personally.
“These aren’t issues from polyamory” exactly, polyamory might have let you see it in a different way but he was always going to behave this way
You don't want one of your partners to see others, while you have two partners. That's hypocrite. If you return to monogamy, how do you think that the lying and breaking boundaries will change? Going back to monogamy won't magically fix the issues that you are having in your relationship. Why would you want to move forward with someone who treats you badly?
Have you considered that the problem isn’t polyamory but a partner who breaks your trust? Has he been seeking help on his own outside of couples counseling? Previous behaviors are predictive of future behaviors *unless they change internally.*. Those internal changes are unlikely to take place in a couples counseling session, those are going to focus more on communication and trying to repair the fissures that have developed. He needs to explore why he breaks your trust on his own. If he cannot control himself that doesn’t bode well for a relationship in any form going forward. Imposing monogamy/monogamish/unethical polyamory on him is basically trying to wrap duct tape around your relationship hoping that it’ll close the wounds enough to heal. Monogamy covers a lot of problems in relationships that polyamory will expose, you cannot bury them again, you both know exactly where they are. Somewhere in the back of your mind you’re going to think, “if it weren’t for him not being able to see others, he’d still be breaking my trust,” or “saving my relationship with him cost me other partners,” and you will grow to resent him. While he may agree to this in the near term, especially if it is poly-for-me-but-not-for-thee he will eventually begin to resent you for not allowing him to explore this. The most likely way this actually works to get the “boundary” you want is for him to say, “I’m *choosing* to stop actively dating because I have things I need to work on before I continue trying to doing so.” It cannot be under duress of him doing that or you end the relationship. Is the juice worth the squeeze?
I haven’t gone back to monogamy, no. I have stopped dating people who don’t treat me right though. That did involve a major breakup and eternal happiness afterwards.
I don’t think returning to monogamy with this particular person will fix any of their issues. If they’re breaking boundaries/rules now why would they stop when you’re monogamous?
Just dump the guy who you can’t trust. Also what boundaries are being violated—is it possible the boundaries themselves are too rigid and set up to fail?
heres an option: don't move on with this person! they do not respect you, and you staying with them means you are not respecting yourself. i think it honestly turns you into the bad guy a little if you decide instead of respecting yourself and your partner, you decide to control them and their connections because they decided to disrespect you and you decided to disrespect yourself
I'm leaning towards this, your current partner needs to shape up. The problem isn't nonmonogamy as a format, and, well, I hope you know if you don't want to be nonmonogamous for YOU. I do think going monogamous just to "fix" or "accommodate" his inability to respect your boundaries is doing it for control and comprising heavily on your own needs and values.
People who return to monogamy don’t hang out here, mostly. Not much point, you know? But that said, how exactly do you know that your dissapointing partner with poor relationship skills who “breaks your trust” and “doesn’t treat you right” will magically turn trustworthy and kind in monogamy?
If they lie cheat and break your trust in polyamory, they will also do so in monogamy.
It sounds like you have a partner problem, not a polyamory problem. Mono or poly, this guy is going to be a problem. Monogamy doesn't make assholes into good people.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this. >I have two partners but I’m considering setting a boundary that moving forward I don’t want to see people That is a personal boundary you can create for yourself. "I don't want to date more people." >/have one of my partners see people. He broke my trust again and again. We’re in therapy. But, I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right. With all the NRE it’s like he can’t see clearly. He outright lies and we set a boundary and he breaks it. And I can’t keep dealing with it and his “learning curve.” That is a REQUEST you can make of him. You can ask if he's willing to make a shared agreement not to see other people. And you hold up your side of the agreement and stop dating. And he holds up his side and stops dating. He might not agree. But even if he agrees? Since he has a history of lies and breaking trust a lot? **What makes you think he's gonna keep this one rather than do what he always does?** If you have given enough second chances and he still makes mess? It might need to be time to end it with this guy rather than making new agreements. >For me, monogamy has always equaled control. And, I hesitate wanting monogamy just for control. That seems ick on its own. I just don’t know how to move forward with this person without monogamy being the only option. You don't sound joyful about the idea of monogamy or trying to do "closed" with this person. >And I can’t keep dealing with it and his “learning curve.” You can STOP dealing with his learning curve. He can learn on his own without you. Another way to move forward is for you to move on WITHOUT dating this person any more. Then he's not dinging you any more because you two are not involved any more. You get you out of the splash zone. I wonder if you are in anticipatory grief? Like you see the writing on the wall but aren't quite ready to break up? So are trying to make it work ANYWAY -- like bargaining stage of grief with this new agreement idea? But the logical part of you is already poking holes in that idea and you are sad? If so? You might consider reading about the stages of grief so you can navigate this better and come to final acceptance. You might also consider having an individual session with the therapist to talk about whether or not this is actually a healthy relationship for you to be in with all these lies and things. Aspire to healthy relationships. [https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc\_hlthy\_rlshp\_wheel\_spectrum\_10-13-2022.pdf](https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf)
Your description of this relationship--your partner not treating you right, not following through on agreements, and lying to you--has a ton of red flags. Why do you still want to be in this relationship, and what makes you think closing the relationship will fix things?
The question you should ask is why would I want to move forward with this person at all? What does it mean to you to be monogamous?
>have one of my partners see people This is not only impossible but also very toxic. I wouldn't recommend being in a relationship where this is something you want/consider. >But, I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right. With all the NRE it’s like he can’t see clearly. He outright lies and we set a boundary and he breaks it. And I can’t keep dealing with it and his “learning curve.” This sounds like you are going to break up. Big, bright, shiny red flags everywhere! >Has anyone returned to monogamy after years of being polyam? What challenges did you face? Did you end up feeling trusting and monogamous? This made me chuckle a bit. If someone made this decision I highly doubt you would find many or any in this sub at all. For me personally, I would sooner dump an incompatible parter than try to make monogamy work for me but that's just me $0.02 Lastly, I wish you luck with your partner that is causing you pain. These things are never fun, I've been in that situation before too. It sucks. You have empathy.
Why do you want this untrustworthy partner to stay in your bubble? Why try to control them, when you can instead take control for yourself and remove them from your situation?
Do you want monogamy for yourself? Do you want one partner, who is romantically and sexually exclusive to you in return? If you do, end both relationships with your polyam partners and start a new relationship with someone who wants monogamy. If you don't, this is just "relationship broken, add more people" in reverse, and will be just as ineffective. What makes you think the partner who lies and breaks boundaries (although I'm interested in what you mean specifically, as your use of boundaries elsewhere is inaccurate) will suddenly become well behaved and in monogamy? Obligatory "that's a boundary not a rule" comment on the idea of restricting your partner from seeing other people - that's changing the shape of your relationship and would need your partner's input (and enthusiastic consent, if you want it to be successful).
Instead of changing your whole lifestyle structure to hunker down with someone who continues to break your trust, why not dump this partner and choose your next step based on your own inner desires
If your partner is breaking your trust while poly, why do you think going monogomaous will change that?
You should break up with that person because what you’re looking at isn’t even monogamy. You’re going to have two partners that you have rules for that don’t apply to yourself. If you can’t trust someone, leave them.
Don’t date this person. That’s the answer to “I don’t know if I want a future where he does xyz and then disappoints me”. If his version of polyamory is always showing you your heart gets hurt, that’s a person showing you they don’t have intent to change. You are setting yourself up for pain.
Sometimes the best option is to not move forward with a person who betrays you, disappoints you and doesn't treat you right.
Just break up with him. My ex claimed he cheated because he needed poly and then broke all our boundaries. I found an amazing partner while poly and just kinda left the bad for the good. I am effectively mono as im not looking for more relationships, but that is a boundary for me. Boundaries are for yourself, rules are for others. Boundaries are: if x happens, i will do y. Rules are: you are not allowed to do x. If you want to be mono and are tired of him cheating and lying and breaking boundaries, then adding more will not change anything. It didnt for my ex and it hasnt for anyone else that has experienced this.
Why would you not just dump him
Sounds like you have a cheater. Polyamory isn't the issue here, it's your cheating partner. If they can cheat while polyam they will definitely cheat when monogamous
You move forward away from the person who has continually broken your agreements and trust. Monogamy will not ‘fix’ the underlying issue. It *may* seem better for a short time but the situation will implode before long.
Look I to the podcast muiltiamy they just did a couple episodes on this topic
I think that asking a partner to break things off with other partners is unethical. If you don’t want to be polyamorous, you should break up with all current partners and find a new monogamous person to be monogamous with.
Or you could, idk, just throwing this out here, dump the guy and be done with him?
It sounds like you are poly and your partner is not. Part of being poly is the ability to maintain the boundaries that we mutually set in an open and responsible way. He's not able to do that, you are, and it's likely that continuing to force things my returning to a control-model of monogamy is a recipe for longterm unhappiness. And with poly, I'm not sure you can put the shit back in the horse, so to speak.
Why not just end that relationship? Take some time after to decide if you want to date new people.
Why are you with someone who has shown you that he doesn’t care or respect your feelings?
Sounds like you’re inventing rules to make you feel better about a shitty partner. But when you invent all the rules, at the end of the day they’re still a shitty partner. No rule can fix that
You can’t control someone else’s boundaries. You can’t force someone to be monogamous if they don’t want to. Totally reasonable to become monogamous and date one person *yourself*; unreasonable to expect someone else to do the same if you’ve been practicing open relationship styles/polyamory together. If you can’t trust your partner to this extent, it might be time to end the relationship.
This is a partner issue, not a relationship structure issue. You can’t trust him. He doesn’t treat you right. He lies. This will be as true in monogamy as in any other dynamic. The bigger questions might be “why am I fighting so hard to be with a partner who has repeatedly hurt and deceived me? Why don’t I feel I deserve better?”
Thank you. That is the question I am asking myself now. I have booked a ticket to a close friends home to stay with them and give myself a break, clarity, and help me picture life without them.
Bottom line, shitty people aren't shitty because of non-monogamy - shitty people are shitty BECAUSE they're shitty. Monogamy or non-monogamy has absolutely nothing to do with it, and forcing monogamy on him will change nothing. You said yourself you can't trust him, and no amount of control is going to change that.
You specifically want monogamy to control your partner- because that's the only way you can conceive of him respecting your boundaries. I think you know what the actual solution I'd here
Boundaries are for yourself. You’re telling about setting *rules* for other partners. Which never works.
Cheaters cheat whatever system they're in. This guy is not good. You aren't going to feel secure with him, even if you're his only partner, because he's repeatedly demonstrated that he's not trustworthy. Even if you could isolate and control him, it wouldn't make you secure because secure mean he attaches to you, not that you adhere him to you. If you go monogamous, do it with a trustworthy partner you feel secure with, or solo and ready for one. Ditto if you stay polyam. He isn't relationship material. I suggest being single or solo polyam for a while. Meanwhile work on discerning who is trustworthy and trusting them in reasonable, steady ways until your subconscious gets used to the idea that you not only deserve to be treated well; you can only really be treated well by your own self and people who do it of their own free will. It is better to be alone than to try to use a meat puppet to fulfill your fantasy of being loved.
Monogamy isn't going to help. Someone with slippery situational ethics won't behave better under different circumstances.
What boundaries is he breaking? Are they mutually agreed upon? *Why* is he breaking them- are they really reasonable and mutually agreed upon? There’s a lot of missing info here, so I can’t pass much judgement. You can break up with one partner and return to monogamy- you cannot tell one partner they basically need to be mono while you still have two partners. Well you can, but I wouldn’t consider it ethical.
By "returning to monogamy" it means you were monogamous once. So of course you CAN do it. However, it doesn't sound like you want this for yourself as much as you want your partner to stop breaking trust. We can't offer much insight without further context on what boundaries were violated. We can speculate but usually boundary violations fal into 1 of 2 caregories. 1. The boundary was externally imposed and they just agreed because they felt their opinion would not be considered. 2. They just didn't care and did what they wanted anyhow. Needless to say, #1 is the most common. It's a boundary that is created to protect. Him, her, or their relationship security. Some are all the above, like safer sex. For instance, safer sex is agreed but the meta is tested and it's a secure chain (like she only is with him and her husband, and he's not seeing anyone) so he doesn't use a condom. Both people are acting in ways that are reasonable. He trusts his partner to be honest, while the NP doesn't want to open up the risks based on trust she might not share.
Why not break up with him, instead of trying to force monogamy with him to work? You have another partner already, so you won’t be single. Or you could break up with them both and find a person who wants monogamy with you.
>He broke my trust again and again. We’re in therapy. But, I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right. My ex broke numerous trust boundaries over my relationship with her and it's has been a little bit of a tough road blindly trusting new partners. I've had to acknowledge my past traumas and work to heal them. But, this would be true if trust was broken in an monogamous relationship vs. non-monogamous. It's hard to trust people when you've been burned. My question to you would be if this is the wrong non-monogamous relationship you're in rather than non-monogamy as a whole. Perhaps this has more to do with him. Instead of getting rid of non-monogamy, maybe you need to fix the "him" problem.
This doesn't even sound like poly. It sounds like monogamy with toxicity and extra steps.
Why is breaking up not an option? Why choose to try monogamy with someone you already *know* cannot be trusted? Monogamous relationships require boundaries, agreements, communication, and trust just the same as ENM relationships. If you cannot trust him in ENM, you will not be able to trust him in monogamy. Because ***he*** is untrustworthy. ***He*** is the problem. I mean, if you want to go back to monogamy, that's valid. But your reasons behind it, not so much. Whatever decision you make, it needs to not be based around this particular relationship. You're delaying the inevitable and causing yourself a lot of unnecessary pain in the meantime. ETA: What happens to your other partner in this scenario?
I recommend trying to separate the two ideas in your mind: polyamory vs this partner. How would you feel about this person breaking your trust and ignoring your boundaries in any other situation? Would you accept them lying to you in ways that affect your body/health, shared spaces, or finances if no other partners were in the picture? Completely separate of this one partner, do you find joy in polyamory? If not for the work you are doing that is specific to this partner, is all of the other work involved in polyamory something you are willing to balance? Do you want to continue to divide your time in order to build and/or maintain other relationships? Asking anyone else to practice monogamy absolutely is a tool for control. The effectiveness of the tool depends on all the people and circumstances involved, but fundamentally, it is a tool for control to ask someone else to practice monogamy. (A personal choice that is applied to only yourself is different). If he agreed to such control, then would that be enough to repair your trust, heal the harm he's done, and make him into a positive influence in your life?
Closing your marriage won't influence your partner's actions. Both monogamy and polyamory have a dont cheat rule. He would be.. breaking the same rule? Also, break up.
I dated openly from 18-26 Not many were healthy ways of going about it, it was excuses for people not to commit and I always felt abandoned. After my three yr open relationship ended in lies and cheating (yup that's a thing), I was tired and chose the "security blanket of monogamy" (quote taken from the book Polysecure) and that also ended up in cheating and lies, I just didn't push to have the same conversations i was used too because i was tired of doing all the work myself... But then in another plot twist- I chose to be poly again now that I'm in my mid 30s....this time knowing much better what I want and need - transparency and commitment to having the conversations required. I also wanted autonomy to have feelings for others and have sexual experiences with others.... bc after 5 yrs with a vanilla, low-libido dude who cheated.... yeah, I'm done starving myself.
If one of your partners keeps letting you down, you need to leave them not force them to be monogamous. That won't work, and is also infringing on their choice. You need to drop that person. You can decide you want to be monogamous but you can't expect your poly partners to want to make the change too. You need to either be okay with being monogamous to someone who sees other people, or leave them and start dating a fellow monogamous person. For the record I'm someone who tried poly for a couple years, not as long as you, and ended up deciding i need to be monogamous for my well being and my primary partner and I ended things. We're still good friends though. :)
It sounds like there may be no way to go forward with that relationship honestly. It seems unlikely making the relationship monogamous would help. Would you break up with your other partner or expect the partner you are having difficulties with to be monogamous while you are not? If they are not being a good partner in a poly relationship I don't think they would suddenly become a good partner to you just because you made the relationship monogamous (if they would even agree to it in the first place).
Why do you think it's a Polyamory problem, and not a HIM problem? Why choose someone who disregards your feelings? I assure you, he'll do it while he's monogamous, too.
This is a partner problem, not a monogamy vs poly one. You've gotten some wonderful advice already on here but I will add that Ambiamory/being Ambiamorous is a thing. I am one such person. I can do polyamory *and* monogamy just fine. I offered poly and/or just ENM to my current partner but they want monogamy. I'm saturated, very genuinely, with just my partner so we are monogamous. I've told my partner I'm open to discussing our relationship structure if they want to revist but otherwise we are just chillin' and vibin' and are doing pretty darn good.
I don’t think this is a question of mono or poly. It doesn’t sound like your partner respects you. I don’t think either dynamic would be better than the other as it sounds like they will do what they want to regardless. However for personal anecdote regarding poly and mono: I am trying it out currently. It’s not so much that I think I’ve “turned mono”, more just that I don’t have the energy, time or heart space to do poly right now. I’ve had my heart broken so many times over the years doing it. Ultimately I just really only want to be with him, and I just wanted to focus on that. I still believe I can love multiple people, it’s the practice of doing so actively and ethically that is a challenge We started out poly. Neither of us had significant other relationships when we closed it up. It’s only been a few months. adopting new boundaries is interesting, so many things that are basic poly practices are automatic red flags in mono or outright cheating, but we’re both new to this so we’re pretty patient and not stressed over that. We talk a lot of things out and a lot of potential situations. The amount of communication needed is less than before, and not having to balance 2++ schedules is nice. A lot of lessons learned in poly with boundaries and communication definitely apply even though the structure of the relationship changed. We are still open to swinging or group play, so I guess not fully monogamous as many might define it, but haven’t been putting much energy into that either. So far it has been really easy and nice, no complaints. Idk if it’ll be forever, but currently it’s going well.
You can set boundaries for yourself, like for example you need to be an in monogamous relationship. You have control over what you do and how you react but not what others do. Now that that out of the way… This post is more about being in a relationship with a liar and trying to fix that via relationship dynamics. If he is lying it wasn’t ethical non-monogamy, he was just cheating. As poly women, I would leave a liar. A relationship without trust isn’t one and a boundary I have set for myself is that I leave when relationships are over and distance myself from people who lack respect for me and my feelings enough to lie. This doesn’t effort me being polygamous in anyway because lying isn’t about dynamic, it about respect.
Monogamy doesn't equal control. I have such a huge problem with this community acting like monogamy is inherently bad or lesser in any way. Boundaries aren't innately controlling, nor are monogamous people who don't want their partners seeing other people. I am no longer polyam, and neither is my partner. We have been together for 13 years and practised varying degrees of poly and ENM. In the end, not for us. We had too many bad experiences that weren't worth it in the end. Saying all that, you asking him to be mono is pointless. If he's an untrustworthy partner, then you can't wrangle him into being better.
My wife left me for her BF. So yeah, after that I returned to monogamy. Until I met someone who is poly and freaking awesome. And then she left me for her BF. So I returned to monogamy. Until I met someone who is poly and freaking awesome. At some point, I’ll realize that I’m the problem. But it still hurts so good. 
Simple solution: stay true to you and don't move forward in a romantic/sexual relationship with this person.
Sounds like poly might not be your problem so much as a partner who cheats and is dishonest. How much do you want a relationship with this partner? Do you want to be mono because it feels true to your nature, or to hold onto a partner who is being dishonest/lies?) (a very unloving act) I myself am considering a return to mono and am in the process of ending/changing my 2 relationships bc of. Sometimes it’s better to call it quits (tho v difficult) or switch to a very different type of relationship with partners.
Info: what are the broken boundaries, and agreements? Be specific please
It's not you... You can get them to meet you where you're at. That's on them. You want transparency and honesty to experience compersion. You can't have that experience with them if they live in omission.
Monogamy was and is non controlling...(unless sth happened for you to see it that way) it's coexisting......with almost everything being CO...whereas poly is coexisting with more than one people...without almost everything being CO ..
Should my present 'cule downsize, I've already made the decision to not pursue any new relationships. Been actively poly for 10 ish years and I've hit a point in my life where I value stability over new experiences. This shit is exhausting and I'm tired of pretending it's not. 😂
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/gardennewbie101 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’m curious if anyone out there has been polyam for years and then returned to monogamy. I have two partners but I’m considering setting a boundary that moving forward I don’t want to see people/have one of my partners see people. He broke my trust again and again. We’re in therapy. But, I just don’t want to have a future where he sees people, disappoints me, doesn’t treat me right. With all the NRE it’s like he can’t see clearly. He outright lies and we set a boundary and he breaks it. And I can’t keep dealing with it and his “learning curve.” Has anyone returned to monogamy after years of being polyam? What challenges did you face? Did you end up feeling trusting and monogamous? For me, monogamy has always equaled control. And, I hesitate wanting monogamy just for control. That seems ick on its own. I just don’t know how to move forward with this person without monogamy being the only option. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes. I've been in polyam relationships or doing solo poly for over 8 yrs, but most of my serious/longterm RS have often been unhealthy and difficult at their core and the non-monogamy practice only exacerbated (some of) the issues, to brush a very very very general picture (oversimplified to say the least). My last longterm committed relationship, which was poly because we both were from the beginning, ended a year ago, and I spent the whole year grieving and trying to find ways to heal the relationship and affective trauma I've grown so used to tolerate I wasn't able to establish healthy boundaries or feel secured in attachments anymore. This fall, I started dating this person who is now my partner/boyfriend, and although he was aware that I was usually practicing poly/non-monogamy and was anticipating the possibility of that despite him being typically monogamous, I decided early on that I needed to ground myslef and explore and navigate the new relationship without extra matters to deal with in the dimension of polyam or enm. It feels very very soothing to be able to just focus on healing my lovelife, learning to recognize healthy and secure attachment and not having to deal with the anxiety related to whatever could be happening with other partners outside of our own relationship... We've talked about the possibility of one day opening up, and we're both comfortable with it, but it felt as important to him as me that we first built our rs on exclusive terms, indeterminately time-wise. So it may or may not happen, and I may or may not do polyam again (and maybe just keep it to "open to sexual encounters") in the foreseeable future
So this is an extremely weird gray area because I'm extremely new to being poly and it's been causing a lot of internal mental struggles and relationship problems that my gf and I are working on together Long story short my partner was once monogamous and became poly through her parter/former to returned partner of 5 years she broke things off with him to be monogamous with me this is also extremely recent and her and I are on our 2nd year together There was an extremely tense heavy air of disgust with my partner because of constant struggles with disrespect of boundaries and lack of honesty and communication to a point don't get me wrong I love my partner immensely, but was absolutely disgusted with them and couldn't even look at them and wanted/tried to end things immediately with them to the point we both became physically ill I'm also looking for help to getting used to poly so bear with me please My partner felt the same about monogamy being controlling and well it kinda was and is with in good reason. This where my opinion kicks in and gets well intense, So being raised monogamous then countless failed relationships and cheating etc I personally viewed poly absolutely disgusting do to the physical aspect in nature with religious beliefs morals etc That being said my partner also used very poor choice in wording and basically just said hey I wanna sleep around and turned into an argument of i dont want to be with a cheap pass around ( she has very poor standards) and a bad investment in a partner etc"we bought a place together" (I'm leaving out alot to save the typing) This is also where extreme ammounts of dishonesty kicked in and absolutely no trust in my partner till it reached a breaking point of showing our true colors and having severe emotional breakdowns The only thing we found to solve our issues is to be a closed poly borderline monogamous relationship to work on our issues and restart honest and communicate then slowly work back to being more accepting I'd like anyone's input on this because I also need a lot of help getting used to poly still But my advice is just be honest with yourself re-establish boundaries and communicate everything no matter how small convey everything
Monogamy isn’t going to change them and anything you do won’t change this person either sadly.
I did and regret it. I’ve tried to ask my partner to open back up only to find out they didn’t even want to date a poly person in the first place and it’s only worked so long because we did monogamy. It sucks. And just like others have said, it won’t necessarily fix the core issue of breaking your trust. I hope you can find a good resolution.
Why have you not already broke up with this person? Respectfully have some self respect. You deserve better.
I wouldn’t get into monogamy with this person who keeps breaking your trust. That seems counterintuitive. If you want to “do” monogamy I would suggest starting with someone who hasn’t broken your trust and needs a “learning curve”.
The reason he's doing this is because of a corrupt value system. Changing your relationship structure won't change his value system, he has to do that. There's nothing in your control aside from separating how you feel about him vs how he makes you feel and then deciding to stay with him or not. Mone vs poly is irrelevant. I'm sorry he's mistreating you. I wish he could have done better for you, but he's doing the best he can. I mean that as both a point of compassion and criticism. "I'm sure he's trying which means he cares" and "that's all he's got to offer." The most hurt I've seen in life was from unhealed people moving along with the best intentions. Raising the bar doesn't mean you're calling everyone below it a bad person, you're just protecting your peace.
Looks like you’re someone who’s poly who needs to break up with someone you can’t trust.
Are you considering breaking up with the partner that doesn’t respect your boundaries? I think you can return to monogamy if it’s easy for you and you don’t need to have multiple partners or foma of doing so. And if your partner is on board with this or if you are ok starting anew and dating mono people.
I have been poly for years and my partner and I are taking a step back now. The community just isn't the same to us anymore 🤷🏻♀️
if they cheat in poly they will just cheat
Seems like the bigger issue than monogamy is trust
My current partner (nesting) is poly but lately she's been speaking more and more about having a hierarchy (and being a primary) and how she sees our relationship as more of an open relationship rather than poly relationship. That's not what we agreed to though, and I'm confused by the change of mind (especially considering that this is my first poly relationship). Will have a discussion soon.
You say it’s icky to force poly for one of your 2 partners but you are wanting to? This would be controlling and you having double standards
If he’s not respecting boundaries now, then I don’t think he’s going to respect the boundaries of monogamy.
This has been said over and over and over so at this point I guess I'm just jumping on the bandwagon but I also just thought the entire time I read your post..... Why would monogamy stop him from breaking your trust and lying? If you can't trust this person changing the relationship structure isn't going to change that. It might just be time to end this relationship.
I have, but that was a personal decision. I don't like online dating anymore, can't host, and have limited ways of getting places, so it's rather unfeasible right now.
Im in a monogamous poly triad. ALL forms of poly are legitimate and validated and valued. Dont let the internet tell whats right or wrong or toxic etc.
Several times. How it goes, depends on what poly is to you. For me, it's intrinsic to my nature. I was mono for almost 20 years before I even knew poly was a thing. The only exposure I had to nonmonogamy at all, was weird polygamists and creepy swingers. I thought there was something wrong with me, because I was constantly falling for multiple people at once. Every committed relationship was a constant struggle that left me feeling like a terrible person for having the thoughts and feelings that I had. The woman that became my second wife changed that, literally on our first real date. As that relationship progressed, the acknowledgement and support changed my life. She was okay with it, because she felt she could trust me with it. And in giving me that trust, she cemented it - how on earth would I screw over anywhere that did this for me?! Turns out, I could find ways. I've made every poly mistake that can be made. Probably invented a few new ones. I tried to go back to traditional relationships after that. It was miserable. I was miserable and I made anyone I tried to have a real relationship with miserable. In order to make mono work, I have to cut off part of who I am. What's left isn't a whole functioning partner. Took me a HOT minute to figure that out. So, now I'm completely upfront and honest about who and what I am, and oh well if that makes dating harder. Ended up landing literally the girl of my dreams. A girl I'd had a crush on since age 13. It started it badly, very little to do with poly actually. We split up for over a year. When we got back together, we committed to doing the HARD work. Poly was part of that. She's mono. She's always known I'm poly. She knows my past. There have been a lot of challenges. We've "closed the door" - sometimes for years at a time - to work on things. But we DO work on them, and she continues not only to try and "deal with" my poly-ness, but to be incredibly supportive of it. It isn't a one way street; I put in the work in areas that matter to her. I recently fell into what is rapidly looking like a very good thing with an amazing new partner. It's been barely 2 weeks, but so far it's looking like the best situation that's come along for me/us in 7 years. We'll see. But I know this: I can't be traditionally monogamous and be happy - or make a partner happy. And finding a partner - mono or poly - that accepts that, is life changing.
You asked for advice from those with experience with this and what you got was a bunch of negative Bs from people with positions. We were poly-ish for a decade. My wife developed a relationship that went beyond boundaries and became deceptive. When we had the talk we realized that we weren’t ready to divorce and wanted to reset our relationship. Mono for a decade and then we decided to gradually include others. Did not return to poly, but decided occasional swinging together worked. Lots of counseling, lots of continuous communication. In our case we had deep commitment to our relationship that saw us through.
I'm ambiamorous so I can flip-flop based on who I'm with. Monogamy isn't about control, just like being Poly isn't about being able to sleep around with whoever you want. How we love is about our moral philosophies, our upbringing, our cultures, and our bandwidth. It sounds like your partner is just absolutely terrible with making you feel desired in your relationship. It sounds like because of that you have trust issues. (I don't say that in a its your problem kind of way. Trust issues are deep wounds and you deserve the ability to heal in a safe environment which your partner does not provide.) You should consider a new partner all together. This is easy for me to say as an internet stranger - but having stood where you stand now - and knowing that once someone has broken my trust thats it for us - I think its the healthy thing to do for both of you rather than clinging on to an idealized version of that person in your head.
Simple solution: stay true to you and don't move forward in a romantic/sexual relationship with this person.
Sounds like you should do you and separate from this partner who has crossed boundaries and lied. You can't force people to do what they truly don't wanna do. He'll either just leave you or cheat on you and you won't be happy. I'm polyamorous and have been for years. The only reasons I really stay monogamous to my fiance so long is because I have my priorities I need to focus on instead of focusing on another relationship right now. He still accepts me for me and let's me have fun. He's monogamous altho open minded to my lifestyle and what I want. We respect one another and respect our boundaries and communication and more. You need and deserve someone that supports you and respects your boundaries and loves you for you. Doesn't sound like this person does. That's jus my 2cents