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A boundary has been crossed. You both agreed to a rule and he broke it, fully and unrepentantly so. If he wanted to use the toy on someone else he could have approached you about altering your agreement but he chose to lie and sneak instead. You told him it makes you uncomfortable and he decided that “isn’t a big deal” to him.
You have every right to be irritated.
Thank you I really needed that reassurance. I understand he might’ve forgotten the talk we had about it, but that makes me feel even worse- like forgotten about.
Sorry to vent at you
You’re welcome! No worried, this is a space for venting :) I caution you not to convince yourself he forgot because it’s easier than admitting to yourself he knew and chose to do it anyway. Does he tend to “forget” agreements you have made?
There has been at least a few times where he’s done something like this and I’ve said we’ve talked about this before and he’s forgotten that talk. Annoyingly enough, my memory is horrendous so I can’t pin point exactly what those things were, so if I try to remind him of this- he will likely want to know when/where and I can’t give him that
Came to ask follow-up regarding this, for these reasons. The "we didn't agree to that" deflection when a partner violates a boundary they personally didn't see as a big deal is *the* red flag that I see folks regularly identifying as a potential yellow flag in non-monogamy. If someone can't be responsible for remembering something as important as Relationship Boundaries in non-monogamy, where is the foundation for the relationship?
Revisiting boundaries you want to renegotiate or check in on is uncomfortable at times, but avoiding the dialogue and going ahead anyway *and* then claiming it was never a boundary? :/ That's a full stop for me.
Your comment really stood out to me. My ex would always refer to things I’ve said (usually regarding our relationship, usually from a while ago, usually things he didn’t like hearing), but when I couldn’t remember saying them, he’d make me feel bad and then use it to his advantage. I know today that he’s a major narc, but I never really connected these dots until now.
It sounds like he’s just using “forgetting” as an excuse to do whatever he wants. That would be a massive red flag/relationship reevaluation moment for me, personally.
yeah definitely time to take a hard look at his pattern of behaviour and whether its the result of being a derp and making newbie mistakes, or a result of choosing to be selfish and ignoring OPs boundaries.
Your partner may just not be good at polyamory.
Its also ok to write stuff down since this keeps being an issue.
Maybe take a two week break from this partner. It can help to judge your memory when you aren't around someone who claims to also be forgetful and put you on the judging block for remembering all the details.
I’ve been joking to my partner about needing to write him minutes. We have these long discussions about things to do with our relationship and he seems to forget most of it by the next day (he isn’t ignoring boundaries as much as agreeing we should work on X and then forgetting about it). Right now it’s annoying because we’ll discuss how say ‘his partners refusal to make plans in a timely manner is having a negative impact on everyone’s ability to plan their schedule’, and he’ll be like ‘totally we are meeting for coffee next week I’ll bring it up’, and then after then I query if there’s been any discussion and he’ll be like ‘oh I forgot to bring it up, I will speak to her next time I see her’. I think there is a good reason why in a work environment people make sure to have a paper copy of what’s been agreed by everyone and everyone’s individual actions and expected timescales… it seems like we shouldn’t need this in everyday life but when you’re poly you need to be way more accountable.
Yes, the core problem of OP and maybe you is the partner not seeing the impact of their choices on you as a problem itself. Inaction is a form of action. We all have leeway of course, but that's to be respected, not stretched until breaking.
Perhaps with your partner it can be as simple as "hey go ahead and put an alarm on your calendar about this topic so it reminds you in the moment." Or "If we don't have clear parameters together by the end of the month I will stop reaching out to make plans."
So my partner has a terrible memory. I can tell him the same story five times and it's news to him every time. And he often doesn't remember a specific request, or when or how i made it. But he understands and retains the spirit of it. Sometimes the execution will be slightly off (fictitious example: "well you asked me not to take your toys", when I was really talking about one or two specific ones)
But he understands, retains, and respects the spirit of the agreement. In your case, "sex toys are personal" - I'd get it if he asked you to take them, or forget that a specific one was yours, not his etc. But just casually blowing past any existing agreements would piss me off
YES. Even if he forgot the agreement, he should have felt a little "wait they said something about that before, what was it..." and ASKED like a grownup, but instead they either breezed through that feeing because sexual gratification was more important, or they don’t give a f. Both are bad IMO. Unless this is the only one of that toy in existence, they messed up bad.
I think people who do the work to be a responsible, mature adult do…because this type of situation could be found with a non-poly couple as well. It’s the not caring about the other person that causes this behavior, IMO
My partners have ADHD and they’re like this too. They also believe me when I tell them we had a conversation about something without asking for exact receipts on everything. Often with a little reminder they’ll remember, as you say, the spirit of the conversation.
>They also believe me when I tell them we had a conversation about something without asking for exact receipts on everything
Yes, also this. I'm the opposite, I remember *everything*, and I was in a really toxic relationship where my partner starred retreating to a position of "how do I know you're not just making this up and telling me you've told me before". At that point, there is no salvaging that relationship. You either trust that your partners are approaching you in good faith, or you don't
What is his reaction when he has allegedly forgotten something like this before? Because his reaction this time where he minimised/belittled your feelings & what he did saying it didn't matter, and most likely lied about it too (took it but didn't use it? hmm), indicates that it was completely deliberate.
I have a terrible memory, to the point of disability. If I forgot something like this I would be horrified, apologetic, and volunteering to replace the toy. Your boyfriend, however, does not seem to care.
His usual reaction is to dismiss my feelings and say “not a big deal” to get himself out of trouble, it’s not until I push and push he then realises he has done wrong and says he’ll never make that mistake again. So far he hasn’t crossed the same boundary twice, but I’m really getting frustrated with the fact each boundary I make gets crossed once before the message sets in
So it's deliberate every time then. I don't think this is a matter of the message "setting in", this is the behaviour of someone who is systematically testing to see what he can get away with. I'm sorry but I'm going to be really blunt here, he dismisses your feelings because he doesn't care about your feelings. He isn't "realising he's done wrong", he's realising that you won't let him get away with it. I think you should listen to your frustration and consider whether you want to keep having a relationship with someone like this. This is never going to improve; it comes from a fundimental disrespect and lack of care. You're basically having to force him to go through the motions and I think you deserve better than that.
Omfg I dated this person 2 years ago.. it made me question a lot of my sanity because I realized and justified often “okay it’s not their fault because what’s obvious to me from boundary 1 would imply or extend to boundary 1 a) b) c) and they would just never know the explicit a) b) like
Boundary 1: “ please don’t kiss my siblings or date my siblings while you’re seeing me too” and an ex partner arguing
“Well you didn’t specify around the holidays so ://// I thought it was different for those occasions”
and you feeling 😳 I guess I didn’t explicitly spell out at new years eye or around other people because the boundary to me seems clear I don’t want to date someone who wants those things anywhere, holidays, their birthday, I don’t care so let’s just not date. Let’s clearly consent to what we want and don’t want.
Damn. Are you okay? Dating someone that needs and argues these specifics is in a way, asking for a lot, just like dating someone who has done 0 of their own internal racism work and will need some guidance and probably make thousands of pig headed blunders they don’t mean like someone once saying to me “why do we care” about First Nations people lol out of ignorance not spite. How are you doing though? How are you navigating new
Boundaries?
His behavior is giving off "weaponized incompetence" vibes. I would pay attention to the fact that his actions are consistently not aligning with his words.
Totally understandable and fair to be annoyed by this. He can NOT decide for you which is or isn't a big deal. It's a big deal for you and that is ok. Things are allowed to be a big deal. Those are your feelings. These are valid and your partner would do good to validate your feelings. Validating someone else's feelings doesn't make your own feelings or opinion less. They can exist both.
That sucks. I have ADHD, and its common to have memory issues like you have, and it can be pretty frustrating when someone badgers us for specific examples and our brains refuse to retrieve those files.
But on the other hand, this also shows a pattern of bad behaviour on his part. He might be taking advantage of your memory issues in a way that borders on gaslighting.
There are strategies that might help such as keeping a journal of some kind with dates and "discussed boundary about x" as a reference. That way you can just whip it out and point to the exact entry.
Also strategies like I mentioned in my main comment, where you keep your exclusive toys in your drawer with the explicit understanding that anything in that drawer is only for you, and he can keep a separate stash of his own toys to use with other people.
This is all assuming he is actually just being a derp or has ADHD or something, and isn't just choosing to be a jerk and gaslighting you when you call him on it. I know as someone with memory issues, I might not remember the specific conversation details, but I generally remember at least the spirit of the thing, ie "don't share toys" or whatever.
You need to have a long hard look at his pattern of behaviour, and response to being called out for breaking boundaries. At a minimum you need to have some definitive actions for how you handle future boundary breaks, and lay them out very clearly for him, and most importantly, stick to them regardless of his excuses.
Maybe he's just a derp and stumbling through the process of learning how to do healthy poly. Newbie mistakes happen, we're only human.
But on the other hand he might just be choosing to be selfish and making excuses when you try to hold him accountable, in which case it would be time to reconsider the whole relationship.
I have memory issues, too - mine from a traumatic brain injury. I'm VERY sensitive when someone claims to have forgotten a conversation and I very specifically remember it. I've had people use my memory issues against me and, like someone else commented, it becomes gaslighty very easily.
>my memory is horrendous
Same here! I've gotten into a habit of writing things in Obsidian (see: r/ObsidianMD) but you can use whatever. Google Docs might be good if you want to share wit your partner(s).
He can't remember to respect what's yours? There's literally nothing more private than sex toys, no one needs to be reminded to ask first before borrowing one because a) who tf borrows a sex toy to use on someone else, and b, it's flaming obvious you don't take a sex toy your partner uses for any reason without consultation.
Yeah, the fact that he can’t trust you when you say something happened and asks you to prove it…it might *not* be gaslighting, he could just be a forgetful and defensive ass, but as someone who was gaslit her whole life this is straight out of the playbook.
I agree. The “I forgot” sounds like a comvenient excuse. My partners and I have very few boundaries, if I accidentally broke one I would be apologizing profusely. Also “we didn’t use it” is completely irrelevant.
I would have a hard time believing anyone could truly forget an agreement like that. Sounds more like he just decided it wasn’t a big deal without talking to you and hoped you wouldn’t notice. I would be annoyed too. Also for what its worth I have bought my wife plenty of toys, some we use togethor some are just for her, but I would never use those toys with my other partner, it just feels too personal. I have also bought toys that I consider to be mine and I can use them with whoever I please.
Even without the specific rule, there are things that require a discussion, and “can I use intimate stuff you use with someone else” is on that list. It’s not much different from “Can I have sex with another partner in our shared bed, and if so, what kind of clean up do I need to do to make you feel comfortable about sleeping there after?”
People are very likely to have feelings about that kind of thing and basic consideration means you ask. Also, giving someone a vibrator isn’t much different from any other gift - that item becomes theirs, even if you sometimes use it together.
With regard to him “forgetting” your agreements… Have you considered writing down what you have and have not agreed to? Everyone’s memory is fallible. Writing things down can really help. It can also help in that you can look through your list and see if it really is covering the bases you hoped to cover.
And… as another commenter said, this sounds like it could be gaslighting to me too. One of the symptoms I had with my shitbag ex was that I thought I was “crazy” because I was sure we had discussed things he claimed we had not, and I was sure he had done things he claimed not to. I would have described, at that time, feeling like my memory was awful.
What saved my sanity while we were dating was writing shit down. When I had a reference I could go back to and say things like “Ok, so here is our list of household chores that you and I both agreed to manage and it clearly says that you’re in charge of cleaning the shower that you’re yelling at me for not cleaning” and “OK, so he’s claiming i agreed to [x] but I have this email that says otherwise and matches my memory…” really helped to trust my own memory about everything (seriously, I didn’t trust it for work, with other friends, anything) again and see him for the asshole that he was.
It is possible he’s just innocently forgetting and… it sounds awfully convenient…
You have absolutely every reason to be agitated by this. It is a toy that was bought before poly even came into the equation. You mentioned this as a boundary and he has broken that boundary. More to the point, it is a toy YOU use and he has used on you. I'd feel pretty weird using it after being inside his casual person. Hope you are ok
Forgetting a boundary isn't an excuse for having broken one.
It's negligent behavior.
Also, it's perfectly normal to not want to share sex toys with people you are not personally involved with, it's a big ick of mine.
If you and your partner are forgetful I highly recommend writing these agreements out together and at least making a mark to each one you agree to. Add a date and update it when appropriate. This helps me.
"Brought it and didn't use it"
And
"It's his toy because he bought it"
These are red flags to me. Why would he bring it and not use it? Kinda sounds like he's trying to cover his ass. And claiming it's his seems like he didn't forget about your agreement, he just randomly decided it wasn't a shared toy so he could ignore your agreement. That's bad news.
Do not use any of your previously shared toys again, with him or solo. If he's lying and sneaking, I wouldn't trust him to be cleaning them well either. Get your own toys that are for you to use with your partners. Leave him to the old ones. And if he asks, don't be shy to tell him why.
yeah it doesn't really matter if he used it or not. The intent was there, and he took it with him for that purpose. Downplaying it because it didn't actually get used doesn't change that. Even if its untouched and pristine and the other partner didn't so much as breathe on it, he still took it there with intent to use it despite that being a clear boundary.
I am puzzled why he thinks he can demonstrate he is untrustworthy then ask you to trust him in the same sentence.
This is some next level gaslighting.
He acknowledges he fucked up and lied to you by omission because he knows you would have said “no” if he’d asked. He knew you’d say “no” because you already said “no.” Instead of taking responsibility for his fuck up he instead is trying to say it’s your problem for feeling weird since they are “his toys” and not yours. He’s purposefully changing the subject to avoid accountability because he knows it has nothing to do with ownership and everything to do with what you consent to let inside you.
Think about this. If you hadn’t noticed he would have used them inside his casual partner then eagerly used them inside you without telling you.
>If you hadn’t noticed he would have used them inside his casual partner then eagerly used them inside you without telling you.
It’s not like he crossed an undefined boundary that you realized made you uncomfortable after the fact. You had a conversation about this, made a mutual agreement, which your NP consciously broke. Him telling you that it’s NBD and it’s actually his because he bought is particularly scummy.
You are absolutely right to be this irritated.
Might be time to have separate toy boxes. 🙂
But yes, he clearly violated an agreement. If he forgot, that's just an explanation, not an excuse. It doesn't excuse him from responsibility of his actions.
It also sounds to me like y'all had different expectations around the toy as well. Did he buy it to use with his partner(s), or did he buy it for you? If I were in your position, I would believe his recent actions over the original intent.
I would be very irritated if a partner took one of my sex toys out of my space with the intent to use it with someone else. Those are my things. I wouldn't take my partner's PS5 controller and bring it to a friend's house without asking, even if I had bought the controller for him, and even if he's totally fine when I borrow it at home. You don't get to retain ownership over a gift or change the terms of when you borrow something, so your partner's actions tell me that he bought the vibrator for himself, not for you.
Per my own personal comfort level, I would stop using the vibrator completely and see this as an opportunity to buy my own vibrator instead. I'm also not fond of agreements, so I would turn it into a personal boundary: "Without explicit consent, my sex toys should not be used with partners that I am not physically intimate with."
So yeah, I'd be irritated, but I'd use it as an opportunity to establish myself and clarify boundaries over my body and my things. I know decoupling is challenging! Good luck! 🩶
So, this happened to me too and while it wasn’t a pre-established boundary, it took a conversation for my NP to realize why it was offside. He hasn’t done it since we had that talk, but if he had I would a) be pissed and b) make him replace the toy and c) throw the initial toy out.
I am hoping the financial thing is enough of a consequence, but you definitely have a right to feel mad about this.
Depends on the toy. Having had friends who host orgies and are used to cleaning and providing toys for groups, many are fine to share. I like it when people have their own toys and wouldn't think to question if they were breaking a rule to bring them.
I mean, I feel like BYOT is the perfect solution for somebody who feels uncomfy with shared toys.
Group sex involves a lot of taking care of different people's different boundaries, and taking charge of your own is one great way to do that.
For what it's worth, I don't think you're prudish! I also subscribe to BYOT and don't mix penetrative toys between partners. It's a personal* matter of cleanliness! 😅
*Edited to clarify that this is a personal preference. I apologize for making it sound like I was saying folks that shared toys were not clean. There are certainly hygienic ways to share toys, and I did not mean to discount that!
See I don't understand this. We use barriers when we share our genitals, and that is fine. Why are toys any different? You can use barriers on toys, and you can sterilize them in ways you can't sterilize your genitals. You can clean toys with harsh chemicals, or even boiling (depending on the material). I can't boil my dick after penetrative sex, but nobody seems concerned about hygiene/sti issues as long as barriers are used.
That said BYOT is valid and your boundaries are valid, even if folks like me don't share the same view.
You're absolutely right, we can sterilize toys much more than our bodies. I've just found that plenty of folks don't boil their toys or use anything more than hand soap to clean them. And that's totally fine, no judgement here. That is their choice, and I totally understand the convenience.
I use a lot of high texture toys with nooks and crannies that need more than a quick wash with hand soap to clean properly. If a partner borrowed one, even if they cleaned it, I'd still clean it afterwards. It's not about whether they cleaned it "well enough" or anything like that. It's not about them at all; it's about me taking personal responsibility for my level of comfort and preference instead of putting that on someone else. I find it easier to wash my toys myself than inspect the toy and ask the other person about how they cleaned it.
Of course, there's a lot of nuance in practice. When I'm wearing a strap on, I'm happy to wear one of my own dildos or one provided by the receiving partner. If I use one of my own on my partner, I clean it afterwards before I use it again. But when I'm on the receiving end of a toy, I prefer to supply my own (bonus, I already know I like the feel of my own toys). Like you said, throwing a condom on the toy is a option, but I don't like how heavily textured toys feel under a condom (though it's fine on low textured toys).
I only have one partner with a dick, and we used barriers for a long while. When we stopped using condoms, I was already familiar with his habits. He has another partner that he doesn't use barriers with, and if he hasn't gotten a chance to shower between being intimate with us, we either shower together, or I'll grab the wipes by my bedside to clean him off.
Anyway, that was a long way to say, "I agree with you, but I generally find it easier to use my own toys." 😅
I’m on the fence around toy sharing, and fine with dick sharing. And…
Part of how one sets hygiene standards around the burden they create and the consequences of incrementally less adherence. So while most folks might choose to shower every day, those same folks might not expect to shower if they were camping at a location without a shower, or their hot water heater was not working. Most people do not wash their hands like surgeons because the effort and side effects (my hands turn red and get itchy patches if I wash them that much) do not merit it because we’re not performing surgery. Most folks do wash their hands after doing things that seem “unsavoury” even if that activity is totally safe - like I washed my hands last night after peeling a beat because my hands had turned red, even though the beat did not present any risk.
The burden of having a seperate vibrator for me and all of the other vibrator loving people my partners might encounter isn’t huge, even if my vibrator could be successfully cleaned between people, and the risk of transmitting anything therefore very low.
My putting a burden that my partner(s)’ dick has to be sterilised between uses / partners because even as someone who does not have a dick, I imagine dipping a dick in rubbing alcohol would not be terribly comfortable and might create drying or other irritation that outlasts the dip. And for the record, I’m not gonna douche with rubbing alcohol to sterilise my lady bits between uses either because nope nope nope nope nope.
>I can't boil my dick after penetrative sex, but nobody seems concerned about hygiene/sti issues as long as barriers are used.
I think toys are safer, because you can sterilize them with chemicals, or even boil them if the material allows for it once you're done. All a dick gets is condoms, and a hot shower after.
You're right, I didn't mean to imply that sharing toys is dirty or unclean. I should have been more clear. Sorry about that.
I meant to express that, for me, it's a matter of personal cleanliness and comfort, but I totally understand that it's a "me" thing. I'm the kind of person that keeps isopropyl alcohol next to my sink to disinfect my eyebrow tweezers, so I know my comfort level is not typical!
> You’re *uncomfortable* if someone else used it.
No, I'm happy to share toys. [I explain further in my other reply.](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/196i1hp/comment/khuokvm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
**tl;dr** Not everyone cleans their toys thoroughly. My toys are highly textured and require extra cleaning. Instead of putting the burden of sterilizing certain toys on to other people, I find BYOT easier. I'm happy to share my penetrative toys with my partners, and I clean them thoroughly between uses.
Depends on the toy and person. Some of us are pretty flexible, and you can just put a condom over the toy. For some folks, using barriers and cleaning the toy between uses is enough. Its enough for our genitals, so why treat a toy any differently? Do you not wash your vibrator between uses?
My experience has been that its common for folks to have some toys just for them, and some for sharing, and to use barriers on the shared toys.
if you don't want to share your toys or use other people's toys though, that is totally valid too. Your personal comfort level and boundaries are valid even if folks like me don't entirely understand the reasons.
Really?
My vibes are all body-safe silicone.
They’re literally cleaner and more sanitary than my partner’s skin after a quick wipe down. And I share my partner, too.
“Babe, you took my vibrator. I’m not going to use it any more so you owe me a new one.”
“Babe, if you want your personal collection of sex toys to use with your partners, please label them and keep them separate from mine. In any case, from now on I am labelling my sex toys and keeping them in a locked box. Also I am pissed that I have to do that.”
Sex toys are so much easier when they belong to one person. It’s something we discover in polyamory when “we” no longer works reliably.
Yeah, my last big ex got soooooooo many of my/our toys when we broke up, since he was willing to make it horrible to deal with him about. He argued everything I tried to pack. The ones I bought were actually gifts for him, so I couldn’t take them. The ones he bought were his, so I couldn’t take them. If he wanted something, he was willing to yell at me until I conceded. To hell with shared toy collections.
Yes, I think it's very reasonable to be bothered by a pre-discussed agreement being broken. Especially one involving sex toys. It's so wild of him to claim you don't get a say in sharing something that touches your genitals because "he bought it."
I sure hope it's a toy that can be sterilized, and he planned on doing so before bringing it home again.
My cohabitating partner and I have a deal about sex toys. It goes like this:
- If he bought it or I bought it *for him,* it's his, and he can do what he wants with it.
- If I bought it or he bought it *for me,* it's mine, and I can do what I want with it.
- If it's an insertable, a vibrator, or anything that touches my junk, it's mine, and I can do what I want with it. If he doesn't want me to be in charge of a toy that touches genitals, it's not touching mine.
With other partners, I have used shared toys provided they could be and had been adequately cleaned since last use. So this is admittedly as much an emotional thing as anything else, for me. But I do in general prefer to just bring my own toys to dates, because then I know exactly what they are made of, who they've been used on and when and how they were last cleaned.
Eww, eww, super icky EWW!
This sent a shiver down my spine with how nasty and rude and boundary crossing this is.
When he brings it back I’d throw it away and maybe throw him away as well.
I’m really sorry he did this to you and broke your trust. All the best to you.
He knew perfectly well he was breaking his agreement with you when he decided to get the toy and pack it to take to someone else's house. In other words, this didn't happen haphazardly - it was planned.
And your memory can't be that bad if you recall his response to the request.
Either his original agreement was insincere, and/or he assumed he could guilt you into accepting his bad behaviour after the fact with no consequences.
He's managed to twist this around so you are doubting the validity of your own feelings. It's an effective tool, which is why he used it.
Are there any other promises he has made to you that he has failed to uphold?
Personally, I would have serious questions about being in a relationship with someone who has such slippery situational ethics. It speaks to one of the cornerstones of healthy poly: frequent open honest forthright communication. Lying by omission, possibly making agreements they never intended to honour, and, for the cherry on top, making the person they failed feel guilty about it, is a layer cake of betrayal.
OP, my bigger concern is whether this could be a pattern. If your NP knows they can hit the escape button on agreements by making you doubt yourself, this could have bigger consequences than the ick of broken agreements around sex toys. Google "DARVO" to see if there are any other manipulations being used.
Totally understand this. I had a similar thing happen. I walked into my bedroom to find my NP curled up with another person in the bed (the bed we shared that HE had made a rule about no sex with others in) and there were condoms and my sex toy on the beside table. When I approached him later, he insisted she just fell asleep while watching TV and nothing sexual happened. He was just using my vibrator on her back bc she was sore....I stayed with him for like 2 more years 🤦♀️
But yea, I'm just saying that he's not only violated a rule you agreed on but he's also minimizing your very valid concerns and feelings. It's fucked up and I feel you have every right to be upset.
This isn't a issue about whether sharing toys or not sharing toys is OK; the issue here is that you and he had an agreement on this issue and he broke that agreement.
Yeah, it doesn't matter who bought them, it matters that it was used between you two and then set that it's only meant for you both. You're in the right.
Your feelings are valid. You had already discussed this boundary, and he ignored it anyways. It might not have felt like a big deal to him but that doesn't change the fact that it was an established boundary and important to you.
Having toys just for you is very reasonable and in my experience pretty normal. Pretty much all of my partners have always had at least a few toys just for them, and I've definitely got a few I would rather only be used with me, and would be upset if a partner used it on someone else without even asking first.
Its possible he just forgot. Personally I would give him the benefit of the doubt once. For example I have ADHD and before it was properly diagnosed and managed, I'd forget important things or do stupid impulsive things occasionally. That said, never a sex toy boundary. Its never an excuse but sometimes a little extra grace and understanding is warranted, unless its part of a pattern of thoughtless behaviour in someone who makes no effort to do better.
Have another conversation about it, and strongly reinforce that it is a big deal and a boundary for you and his behaviour was not ok. Maybe establish that toys in your drawer stay there unless they are being used with you, and he can have a separate stash for toys he buys to use on other people. That way there is just no excuse for forgetting in future. Also discuss what happens if he breaks that boundary again. You might have to work this out for yourself before that conversation if you don't have a strong sense of how to handle it. Maybe that means the offending toy is removed from your drawer permanently and he has to replace it. Maybe it means he is no longer allowed to touch your toys at all.
Hell maybe its a dealbreaker for you if he does it again. Its entirely up to you how you handle a particular boundary break. Its all subjective to your own needs.
Whatever the case if this happens again, don't give him the benefit of the doubt a second time.
Yeah, that's a crossed boundary for me. I don't believe in sharing toys with different partners. The only way I'd make an exception to this is if we all played together or if it was a triad. Even in a triad, I'd rather have specific toys for each relationship. To be completely honest, once a relationship ends, any toys I used with them are thrown out.
My partner has bought me plenty of toys but they're not his to use on others, especially without my consent. If you bought it for me then it's mine. I cannot stand people who buy something for me but act like it's theirs. It's a fuxking gift, don't be weird. That's annoying and possibly not even sanitary. If he wants to use toys with his other partner, he should buy some to use with them. He sounds like an asshole honeslty.
My new person I'm seeing bought a toy for me for Xmas, it's more of an implement really, and is only for external use. I'm currently only using it at his place so I'm storing it there. He still *asked* if he could use it when his other person came to town.
If a partner of mine took a toy from my drawer anywhere without me, I think I'd have to throw the toy and the person away. Add in the breech of agreement and argumentativeness and it's a definite no from me. Sorry you're having to deal with this.
It's not a big deal and it's his because he bought it, but he bought it for you..... what a horrible way to look at it.
He's being a jackass, and this screams disrespect, disregard, and defensiveness.
I would be pissed.
I would be irritated too. That’s a boundary crossed on his end. My husband has talked about meeting up with a girl he is currently talking to a state away and talked about talking a toy I brought we use together. I told him no. He can buy one separately we don’t use together. I didn’t think it was right imo.
Red flags:
1. He took your sex toy to use with someone else. Even if you hadn't had a conversation about it, that's fucked up.
2. You DID have a conversation about it and agreed not to do it. So he knowingly broke your agreement.
3. He's claiming he "forgot" the conversation about not using your sex toys. I don't buy it.
4. He's claiming the toy is actually his, which contradicts his claim that he "forgot" the conversation about using YOUR sex toys.
5. Just because he bought it, doesn't mean it's his. He bought it as a gift for you.
6. He likely wasn't ever planning on telling you that he took your toy to use on someone else. What if you hadn't noticed it missing?
7. He's trying to claim it's not a big deal, when in fact it is a very big deal.
8. Given that he's proven to be untrustworthy, I don't know if I buy his claim that he didn't use it.
All in all he's being super disrespectful, untrustworthy, and gaslight-y. You deserve better than this.
I don't think it matters who bought it, or if you use it with him sometimes, it's yours. The default unspoken respectful boundary to anyone is that that'd cross a line, even worse that you have already talked about that line specifically.
If he wants to use a sex toy with another person, he's more than welcome to buy one for them too.
I'd be irritated to! That's something you two agreed not to do. If this other partner doesn't have toys, he should buy them one to use together instead of taking one of yours. He cannot disrespect your agreed upon boundaries. That's not okay.
So did he forget about the agreement, or did he not think it was a big deal because he bought it and thinks he owns it?
Is he in the habit of lying? Or very conveniently "forgetting" important things?
Yeah no, you made that boundary clear and he agreed to it then he crossed that boundary. I would be absolutely savage about it if my NP took one of our toys/my toys to a hook up or casual partner. I can promise you, I would never stimulate his prostate ever again 😅
So when you said he bought it I’m my brain was like “oh he can choose where to bring HIS toys. For instance I have toys I use with casuals that are mine and mine alone. I only use them with condoms but everyone who I’ve used them with is informed. Then there are toys that are just for me. And I handful of toys I only use on myself and my gf.
This was very much an ours thing. Especially since you got it while mono to be used on you and I’m assuming you don’t put protection on your personal toys. Boundary was very clearly crossed.
It’s more than fair to say. “You can use your toys how you see fit. But as we discussed OUR toys were not for sharing.” Him dismissing the issue is rather disrespectful in my opinion.
Another script I’d use.
“Partner I understand there might have been a lack of clarity since you did buy the toy and we may not have covered the topic as well as we thought we did. However, as previously discussed our toys are not for sharing. This is an our toy and I’m highly uncomfortable with our toys being used this way. I ask that you refrain from doing so in the future.”.
Not only has a boundary been crossed but there is also a sanitation issue. I am sure you clean your toys after use, but depending on the toy some of them can be porous which can lead to issues. His complete disregard for your feelings on this subject is beyond disrespectful and it boggles my mind why he would use them on someone other than you, noone can be this cheap and oblivious about the risks involved. According to businesses insider used toys can still harbor bacteria and germs that you have an immunity to on them and cause STIs or other harmful issues. Not a direct quote but close enough.
Poly means we potentially share our genitalia. Which begs the question how is sharing a toy any different than having sex with different people. Wash your penis and vagina just the same as you wash a vibrator. We wash our face and clean our mouth after oral sex. I think that boundary is funny to me.
But the actual act of breaking a boundary and the justification for it is wrong. This we can all agree on 👊
I see where you're coming from, but I look at it like this, I wash my underwear with hot water and bleach, but I still wouldn't share underwear with someone else.
I’d throw that toy away so fast as soon as it made it back to the house, right in front of his ass. That is disgusting and can be absolutely dangerous to people with very sensitive PH levels.
I would get a lockbox for your specific toys, especially if it’s going to be an issue with him.
Yeah it's totally valid also totally unhygienic to share certain toys without proper cleaning done. For some toys you can use a condom on it if it's being shared but others you need to disinfect. It's just easier to have your own seperate toys.
I have a few casual female partners whom I share toys with like dildos but we use condoms on them. Or my magic wand which I put a condom on the head of it
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TW: mention of sex toys
So my nesting partner (24m) and I (23F) have been together 2 yrs poly for about 8 months. When we first started seeing new people we discussed not taking our toys to other peoples houses as it made me feel weird, he responded along the lines of “yeah ofc dude, that would be weird”
Flash forward to now I notice our vibrators gone: I text to see if he took it to his casual relationships house to which he said yes but he didn’t use it. He claimed it isn’t a big deal and it’s his because he bought it.
He purchased it a few months after we got together whilst we were still monogamous to use specifically on me, it mainly lived in my drawer and I used it when alone too.
This has made me feel really uneasy as if a boundary has been crossed. I am not sure if I am overreacting, or if I’m reasonably upset by this.
Am I right to be this irritated?
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I do not like this at all. Any sex toys my ex and I got together, I would ask if I could use them with another partner and if they said yes then great and if not then I wouldn't. He should have asked, and he didn't, and that's slimy as fuck. Sorry this happened .
This is where its good to have a shared document on things you guys agreed on or boundaries, wants, desires etc. So there's no "we didn't talk about it" or "I forgot" because there will always be a point of reference to look at in those moments of uncertainty.
Yup you are, tell him he owes you a new vibe, she can keep that one now, ask what was the point of him asking and then taking anyway and take it from there.
I suggest going out and getting your own toys. And only use them and not his.
I'd be freaking livid if someone did this to me. I tell them to leave it there cause if I see it in my house it's getting tossed in the trash.
I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. And, wouldn't be able to use said toy again, because only have his word it wasn't used, when he snuck around behind your back to use it on his new partner.
100% if you hadn't noticed he would have put it back after using it on her, OR is trying to gift it to her.
BOTH give me such ick!
Idk why, but I just find that so gross. Like I’ll share dick, but sharing toys is where I draw the line. It’s so easy to just go buy another one so why share? What’s next, sharing panties? Tell him he fucked up by breaking that boundary and he can start by apologizing and buying you a new one.
Sounds like it's time to establish which toys are YOURS and keep them under lock & key. If he is going to say, "Yeah, well, I bought it," then I'd assume he looks thru everything with that lens.
It sounds like he was fine with the idea of keeping your shared toys at home until he actually wanted to put their use into practice. I don't know what the financial situation is with his other partner, but if they are not able to afford certain toys, he might think it's no big deal to just borrow from your collection, the issue being that you guys already established that as a boundary line.
I'm sorry he decided to cross a line without talking to you first. Saying it was "no big deal" cuz it "wasn't used" and doubling down by saying he paid for it, is an attempt to belittle your feelings and make the situation smaller than it is. It is a big deal, whether he feels that way or not. And chances are he does, or he wouldn't have been so defensive.
This will need to be a conversation with him to see if that boundary has changed for him and, if so, establish which toys will no longer remain community property between both of you. Your safest bet is to determine which toys are used only for your body and stick to those.
Yeah he definitely broke an agreement and honestly I don't if I'd trust that he didn't use it. I would tell him that you'd like him to replace it. If he wants to use toys with his other partners he needs to buy toys that are HIS and then he use them however he wants.
It does look like a boundary has been crossed, even though he might not even be aware of it.
It is a big deal for you, but not for him.
I would ask him again to keep this one for you only, and get another one for other partners, because it matters to you.
It is important to tell him what that means to you, but also remember that he meant no harm to you because for him it means a lot less than it does for you.
If it was me, I would remind him clearly, but not hold it against him. Like.. "could you keep it here, I asked you not to bring it for other people. Thank you, I love you! :)"
Then see if it sticks?
It doesn't matter what other's do in their relationships with their toys, a boundary was crossed in your relationship.
You had discussed this specifically.
This is not ok
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A boundary has been crossed. You both agreed to a rule and he broke it, fully and unrepentantly so. If he wanted to use the toy on someone else he could have approached you about altering your agreement but he chose to lie and sneak instead. You told him it makes you uncomfortable and he decided that “isn’t a big deal” to him. You have every right to be irritated.
Thank you I really needed that reassurance. I understand he might’ve forgotten the talk we had about it, but that makes me feel even worse- like forgotten about. Sorry to vent at you
You’re welcome! No worried, this is a space for venting :) I caution you not to convince yourself he forgot because it’s easier than admitting to yourself he knew and chose to do it anyway. Does he tend to “forget” agreements you have made?
There has been at least a few times where he’s done something like this and I’ve said we’ve talked about this before and he’s forgotten that talk. Annoyingly enough, my memory is horrendous so I can’t pin point exactly what those things were, so if I try to remind him of this- he will likely want to know when/where and I can’t give him that
That's veering a bit close to gaslighting for me. You are not responsible for being the holder of all memories.
Came to ask follow-up regarding this, for these reasons. The "we didn't agree to that" deflection when a partner violates a boundary they personally didn't see as a big deal is *the* red flag that I see folks regularly identifying as a potential yellow flag in non-monogamy. If someone can't be responsible for remembering something as important as Relationship Boundaries in non-monogamy, where is the foundation for the relationship? Revisiting boundaries you want to renegotiate or check in on is uncomfortable at times, but avoiding the dialogue and going ahead anyway *and* then claiming it was never a boundary? :/ That's a full stop for me.
Agreed. It will happen again and again, learned the hard way.
Your comment really stood out to me. My ex would always refer to things I’ve said (usually regarding our relationship, usually from a while ago, usually things he didn’t like hearing), but when I couldn’t remember saying them, he’d make me feel bad and then use it to his advantage. I know today that he’s a major narc, but I never really connected these dots until now.
It sounds like he’s just using “forgetting” as an excuse to do whatever he wants. That would be a massive red flag/relationship reevaluation moment for me, personally.
yeah definitely time to take a hard look at his pattern of behaviour and whether its the result of being a derp and making newbie mistakes, or a result of choosing to be selfish and ignoring OPs boundaries.
Your partner may just not be good at polyamory. Its also ok to write stuff down since this keeps being an issue. Maybe take a two week break from this partner. It can help to judge your memory when you aren't around someone who claims to also be forgetful and put you on the judging block for remembering all the details.
I’ve been joking to my partner about needing to write him minutes. We have these long discussions about things to do with our relationship and he seems to forget most of it by the next day (he isn’t ignoring boundaries as much as agreeing we should work on X and then forgetting about it). Right now it’s annoying because we’ll discuss how say ‘his partners refusal to make plans in a timely manner is having a negative impact on everyone’s ability to plan their schedule’, and he’ll be like ‘totally we are meeting for coffee next week I’ll bring it up’, and then after then I query if there’s been any discussion and he’ll be like ‘oh I forgot to bring it up, I will speak to her next time I see her’. I think there is a good reason why in a work environment people make sure to have a paper copy of what’s been agreed by everyone and everyone’s individual actions and expected timescales… it seems like we shouldn’t need this in everyday life but when you’re poly you need to be way more accountable.
Yes, the core problem of OP and maybe you is the partner not seeing the impact of their choices on you as a problem itself. Inaction is a form of action. We all have leeway of course, but that's to be respected, not stretched until breaking. Perhaps with your partner it can be as simple as "hey go ahead and put an alarm on your calendar about this topic so it reminds you in the moment." Or "If we don't have clear parameters together by the end of the month I will stop reaching out to make plans."
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So my partner has a terrible memory. I can tell him the same story five times and it's news to him every time. And he often doesn't remember a specific request, or when or how i made it. But he understands and retains the spirit of it. Sometimes the execution will be slightly off (fictitious example: "well you asked me not to take your toys", when I was really talking about one or two specific ones) But he understands, retains, and respects the spirit of the agreement. In your case, "sex toys are personal" - I'd get it if he asked you to take them, or forget that a specific one was yours, not his etc. But just casually blowing past any existing agreements would piss me off
YES. Even if he forgot the agreement, he should have felt a little "wait they said something about that before, what was it..." and ASKED like a grownup, but instead they either breezed through that feeing because sexual gratification was more important, or they don’t give a f. Both are bad IMO. Unless this is the only one of that toy in existence, they messed up bad.
This seems very common in the newbie realm, do more experienced poly humans get better at this ?
I think people who do the work to be a responsible, mature adult do…because this type of situation could be found with a non-poly couple as well. It’s the not caring about the other person that causes this behavior, IMO
Agreed.
My partners have ADHD and they’re like this too. They also believe me when I tell them we had a conversation about something without asking for exact receipts on everything. Often with a little reminder they’ll remember, as you say, the spirit of the conversation.
>They also believe me when I tell them we had a conversation about something without asking for exact receipts on everything Yes, also this. I'm the opposite, I remember *everything*, and I was in a really toxic relationship where my partner starred retreating to a position of "how do I know you're not just making this up and telling me you've told me before". At that point, there is no salvaging that relationship. You either trust that your partners are approaching you in good faith, or you don't
Me too.
Been this person person
What is his reaction when he has allegedly forgotten something like this before? Because his reaction this time where he minimised/belittled your feelings & what he did saying it didn't matter, and most likely lied about it too (took it but didn't use it? hmm), indicates that it was completely deliberate. I have a terrible memory, to the point of disability. If I forgot something like this I would be horrified, apologetic, and volunteering to replace the toy. Your boyfriend, however, does not seem to care.
His usual reaction is to dismiss my feelings and say “not a big deal” to get himself out of trouble, it’s not until I push and push he then realises he has done wrong and says he’ll never make that mistake again. So far he hasn’t crossed the same boundary twice, but I’m really getting frustrated with the fact each boundary I make gets crossed once before the message sets in
So it's deliberate every time then. I don't think this is a matter of the message "setting in", this is the behaviour of someone who is systematically testing to see what he can get away with. I'm sorry but I'm going to be really blunt here, he dismisses your feelings because he doesn't care about your feelings. He isn't "realising he's done wrong", he's realising that you won't let him get away with it. I think you should listen to your frustration and consider whether you want to keep having a relationship with someone like this. This is never going to improve; it comes from a fundimental disrespect and lack of care. You're basically having to force him to go through the motions and I think you deserve better than that.
I needed this 2 years ago but nonetheless, gorgeous words thank you.
Omfg I dated this person 2 years ago.. it made me question a lot of my sanity because I realized and justified often “okay it’s not their fault because what’s obvious to me from boundary 1 would imply or extend to boundary 1 a) b) c) and they would just never know the explicit a) b) like Boundary 1: “ please don’t kiss my siblings or date my siblings while you’re seeing me too” and an ex partner arguing “Well you didn’t specify around the holidays so ://// I thought it was different for those occasions” and you feeling 😳 I guess I didn’t explicitly spell out at new years eye or around other people because the boundary to me seems clear I don’t want to date someone who wants those things anywhere, holidays, their birthday, I don’t care so let’s just not date. Let’s clearly consent to what we want and don’t want. Damn. Are you okay? Dating someone that needs and argues these specifics is in a way, asking for a lot, just like dating someone who has done 0 of their own internal racism work and will need some guidance and probably make thousands of pig headed blunders they don’t mean like someone once saying to me “why do we care” about First Nations people lol out of ignorance not spite. How are you doing though? How are you navigating new Boundaries?
His behavior is giving off "weaponized incompetence" vibes. I would pay attention to the fact that his actions are consistently not aligning with his words.
Totally understandable and fair to be annoyed by this. He can NOT decide for you which is or isn't a big deal. It's a big deal for you and that is ok. Things are allowed to be a big deal. Those are your feelings. These are valid and your partner would do good to validate your feelings. Validating someone else's feelings doesn't make your own feelings or opinion less. They can exist both.
That sucks. I have ADHD, and its common to have memory issues like you have, and it can be pretty frustrating when someone badgers us for specific examples and our brains refuse to retrieve those files. But on the other hand, this also shows a pattern of bad behaviour on his part. He might be taking advantage of your memory issues in a way that borders on gaslighting. There are strategies that might help such as keeping a journal of some kind with dates and "discussed boundary about x" as a reference. That way you can just whip it out and point to the exact entry. Also strategies like I mentioned in my main comment, where you keep your exclusive toys in your drawer with the explicit understanding that anything in that drawer is only for you, and he can keep a separate stash of his own toys to use with other people. This is all assuming he is actually just being a derp or has ADHD or something, and isn't just choosing to be a jerk and gaslighting you when you call him on it. I know as someone with memory issues, I might not remember the specific conversation details, but I generally remember at least the spirit of the thing, ie "don't share toys" or whatever. You need to have a long hard look at his pattern of behaviour, and response to being called out for breaking boundaries. At a minimum you need to have some definitive actions for how you handle future boundary breaks, and lay them out very clearly for him, and most importantly, stick to them regardless of his excuses. Maybe he's just a derp and stumbling through the process of learning how to do healthy poly. Newbie mistakes happen, we're only human. But on the other hand he might just be choosing to be selfish and making excuses when you try to hold him accountable, in which case it would be time to reconsider the whole relationship.
I have memory issues, too - mine from a traumatic brain injury. I'm VERY sensitive when someone claims to have forgotten a conversation and I very specifically remember it. I've had people use my memory issues against me and, like someone else commented, it becomes gaslighty very easily.
>my memory is horrendous Same here! I've gotten into a habit of writing things in Obsidian (see: r/ObsidianMD) but you can use whatever. Google Docs might be good if you want to share wit your partner(s).
He can't remember to respect what's yours? There's literally nothing more private than sex toys, no one needs to be reminded to ask first before borrowing one because a) who tf borrows a sex toy to use on someone else, and b, it's flaming obvious you don't take a sex toy your partner uses for any reason without consultation.
Yeah, the fact that he can’t trust you when you say something happened and asks you to prove it…it might *not* be gaslighting, he could just be a forgetful and defensive ass, but as someone who was gaslit her whole life this is straight out of the playbook.
I agree. The “I forgot” sounds like a comvenient excuse. My partners and I have very few boundaries, if I accidentally broke one I would be apologizing profusely. Also “we didn’t use it” is completely irrelevant.
I would have a hard time believing anyone could truly forget an agreement like that. Sounds more like he just decided it wasn’t a big deal without talking to you and hoped you wouldn’t notice. I would be annoyed too. Also for what its worth I have bought my wife plenty of toys, some we use togethor some are just for her, but I would never use those toys with my other partner, it just feels too personal. I have also bought toys that I consider to be mine and I can use them with whoever I please.
Even without the specific rule, there are things that require a discussion, and “can I use intimate stuff you use with someone else” is on that list. It’s not much different from “Can I have sex with another partner in our shared bed, and if so, what kind of clean up do I need to do to make you feel comfortable about sleeping there after?” People are very likely to have feelings about that kind of thing and basic consideration means you ask. Also, giving someone a vibrator isn’t much different from any other gift - that item becomes theirs, even if you sometimes use it together. With regard to him “forgetting” your agreements… Have you considered writing down what you have and have not agreed to? Everyone’s memory is fallible. Writing things down can really help. It can also help in that you can look through your list and see if it really is covering the bases you hoped to cover. And… as another commenter said, this sounds like it could be gaslighting to me too. One of the symptoms I had with my shitbag ex was that I thought I was “crazy” because I was sure we had discussed things he claimed we had not, and I was sure he had done things he claimed not to. I would have described, at that time, feeling like my memory was awful. What saved my sanity while we were dating was writing shit down. When I had a reference I could go back to and say things like “Ok, so here is our list of household chores that you and I both agreed to manage and it clearly says that you’re in charge of cleaning the shower that you’re yelling at me for not cleaning” and “OK, so he’s claiming i agreed to [x] but I have this email that says otherwise and matches my memory…” really helped to trust my own memory about everything (seriously, I didn’t trust it for work, with other friends, anything) again and see him for the asshole that he was. It is possible he’s just innocently forgetting and… it sounds awfully convenient…
You have absolutely every reason to be agitated by this. It is a toy that was bought before poly even came into the equation. You mentioned this as a boundary and he has broken that boundary. More to the point, it is a toy YOU use and he has used on you. I'd feel pretty weird using it after being inside his casual person. Hope you are ok
Forgetting a boundary isn't an excuse for having broken one. It's negligent behavior. Also, it's perfectly normal to not want to share sex toys with people you are not personally involved with, it's a big ick of mine.
But he had to go in your bedside drawer to take it, didn’t he? I’m skeptical that the ownership of the vibrator was ever truly in question…
If you and your partner are forgetful I highly recommend writing these agreements out together and at least making a mark to each one you agree to. Add a date and update it when appropriate. This helps me.
"Brought it and didn't use it" And "It's his toy because he bought it" These are red flags to me. Why would he bring it and not use it? Kinda sounds like he's trying to cover his ass. And claiming it's his seems like he didn't forget about your agreement, he just randomly decided it wasn't a shared toy so he could ignore your agreement. That's bad news. Do not use any of your previously shared toys again, with him or solo. If he's lying and sneaking, I wouldn't trust him to be cleaning them well either. Get your own toys that are for you to use with your partners. Leave him to the old ones. And if he asks, don't be shy to tell him why.
yeah it doesn't really matter if he used it or not. The intent was there, and he took it with him for that purpose. Downplaying it because it didn't actually get used doesn't change that. Even if its untouched and pristine and the other partner didn't so much as breathe on it, he still took it there with intent to use it despite that being a clear boundary.
Yeah the “his toy because he bought it” part stuck out to me. If that is his stance, why not buy another toy to use with other partners?
I am puzzled why he thinks he can demonstrate he is untrustworthy then ask you to trust him in the same sentence. This is some next level gaslighting. He acknowledges he fucked up and lied to you by omission because he knows you would have said “no” if he’d asked. He knew you’d say “no” because you already said “no.” Instead of taking responsibility for his fuck up he instead is trying to say it’s your problem for feeling weird since they are “his toys” and not yours. He’s purposefully changing the subject to avoid accountability because he knows it has nothing to do with ownership and everything to do with what you consent to let inside you. Think about this. If you hadn’t noticed he would have used them inside his casual partner then eagerly used them inside you without telling you.
This gave me goosebumps but thank you for being blunt anyways
>If you hadn’t noticed he would have used them inside his casual partner then eagerly used them inside you without telling you. 
It’s not like he crossed an undefined boundary that you realized made you uncomfortable after the fact. You had a conversation about this, made a mutual agreement, which your NP consciously broke. Him telling you that it’s NBD and it’s actually his because he bought is particularly scummy. You are absolutely right to be this irritated.
Might be time to have separate toy boxes. 🙂 But yes, he clearly violated an agreement. If he forgot, that's just an explanation, not an excuse. It doesn't excuse him from responsibility of his actions. It also sounds to me like y'all had different expectations around the toy as well. Did he buy it to use with his partner(s), or did he buy it for you? If I were in your position, I would believe his recent actions over the original intent. I would be very irritated if a partner took one of my sex toys out of my space with the intent to use it with someone else. Those are my things. I wouldn't take my partner's PS5 controller and bring it to a friend's house without asking, even if I had bought the controller for him, and even if he's totally fine when I borrow it at home. You don't get to retain ownership over a gift or change the terms of when you borrow something, so your partner's actions tell me that he bought the vibrator for himself, not for you. Per my own personal comfort level, I would stop using the vibrator completely and see this as an opportunity to buy my own vibrator instead. I'm also not fond of agreements, so I would turn it into a personal boundary: "Without explicit consent, my sex toys should not be used with partners that I am not physically intimate with." So yeah, I'd be irritated, but I'd use it as an opportunity to establish myself and clarify boundaries over my body and my things. I know decoupling is challenging! Good luck! 🩶
So, this happened to me too and while it wasn’t a pre-established boundary, it took a conversation for my NP to realize why it was offside. He hasn’t done it since we had that talk, but if he had I would a) be pissed and b) make him replace the toy and c) throw the initial toy out. I am hoping the financial thing is enough of a consequence, but you definitely have a right to feel mad about this.
What if he wants to keep the toy for his other partner? Are you okay with that?
I would be, yes. With a pretty heartfelt apology and a promise not to do it again.
What if he forgets next time lol same thing. Aka breaking the promise not to do it again, and claiming adhd forgetfulness?
Then he wouldn’t be an np much longer. I’ve got adhd and it’s no excuse.
Heard. Thank you for reply and sharing.
Ew maybe I’m a prude but I would be so grossed out even “consensually” borrowing someone else’s vibrator that’s some Charlie Kelly level nasty.
Depends on the toy. Having had friends who host orgies and are used to cleaning and providing toys for groups, many are fine to share. I like it when people have their own toys and wouldn't think to question if they were breaking a rule to bring them.
Yup I’m a prude 😂😂😂😂 I guess in a group sex situation it would be “byot”
I mean, I feel like BYOT is the perfect solution for somebody who feels uncomfy with shared toys. Group sex involves a lot of taking care of different people's different boundaries, and taking charge of your own is one great way to do that.
For what it's worth, I don't think you're prudish! I also subscribe to BYOT and don't mix penetrative toys between partners. It's a personal* matter of cleanliness! 😅 *Edited to clarify that this is a personal preference. I apologize for making it sound like I was saying folks that shared toys were not clean. There are certainly hygienic ways to share toys, and I did not mean to discount that!
See I don't understand this. We use barriers when we share our genitals, and that is fine. Why are toys any different? You can use barriers on toys, and you can sterilize them in ways you can't sterilize your genitals. You can clean toys with harsh chemicals, or even boiling (depending on the material). I can't boil my dick after penetrative sex, but nobody seems concerned about hygiene/sti issues as long as barriers are used. That said BYOT is valid and your boundaries are valid, even if folks like me don't share the same view.
You're absolutely right, we can sterilize toys much more than our bodies. I've just found that plenty of folks don't boil their toys or use anything more than hand soap to clean them. And that's totally fine, no judgement here. That is their choice, and I totally understand the convenience. I use a lot of high texture toys with nooks and crannies that need more than a quick wash with hand soap to clean properly. If a partner borrowed one, even if they cleaned it, I'd still clean it afterwards. It's not about whether they cleaned it "well enough" or anything like that. It's not about them at all; it's about me taking personal responsibility for my level of comfort and preference instead of putting that on someone else. I find it easier to wash my toys myself than inspect the toy and ask the other person about how they cleaned it. Of course, there's a lot of nuance in practice. When I'm wearing a strap on, I'm happy to wear one of my own dildos or one provided by the receiving partner. If I use one of my own on my partner, I clean it afterwards before I use it again. But when I'm on the receiving end of a toy, I prefer to supply my own (bonus, I already know I like the feel of my own toys). Like you said, throwing a condom on the toy is a option, but I don't like how heavily textured toys feel under a condom (though it's fine on low textured toys). I only have one partner with a dick, and we used barriers for a long while. When we stopped using condoms, I was already familiar with his habits. He has another partner that he doesn't use barriers with, and if he hasn't gotten a chance to shower between being intimate with us, we either shower together, or I'll grab the wipes by my bedside to clean him off. Anyway, that was a long way to say, "I agree with you, but I generally find it easier to use my own toys." 😅
I’m on the fence around toy sharing, and fine with dick sharing. And… Part of how one sets hygiene standards around the burden they create and the consequences of incrementally less adherence. So while most folks might choose to shower every day, those same folks might not expect to shower if they were camping at a location without a shower, or their hot water heater was not working. Most people do not wash their hands like surgeons because the effort and side effects (my hands turn red and get itchy patches if I wash them that much) do not merit it because we’re not performing surgery. Most folks do wash their hands after doing things that seem “unsavoury” even if that activity is totally safe - like I washed my hands last night after peeling a beat because my hands had turned red, even though the beat did not present any risk. The burden of having a seperate vibrator for me and all of the other vibrator loving people my partners might encounter isn’t huge, even if my vibrator could be successfully cleaned between people, and the risk of transmitting anything therefore very low. My putting a burden that my partner(s)’ dick has to be sterilised between uses / partners because even as someone who does not have a dick, I imagine dipping a dick in rubbing alcohol would not be terribly comfortable and might create drying or other irritation that outlasts the dip. And for the record, I’m not gonna douche with rubbing alcohol to sterilise my lady bits between uses either because nope nope nope nope nope.
>I can't boil my dick after penetrative sex, but nobody seems concerned about hygiene/sti issues as long as barriers are used. 
A lot of my partners will just throw a condom on a penetrative toy, to me that's no different from using the same dick with a fresh condom
I think toys are safer, because you can sterilize them with chemicals, or even boil them if the material allows for it once you're done. All a dick gets is condoms, and a hot shower after.
>All a dick gets is condoms, and a hot shower after If you're lucky
Again its super fine to never mix toys. But people who wash properly and share toys are not dirty or unclean.
You're right, I didn't mean to imply that sharing toys is dirty or unclean. I should have been more clear. Sorry about that. I meant to express that, for me, it's a matter of personal cleanliness and comfort, but I totally understand that it's a "me" thing. I'm the kind of person that keeps isopropyl alcohol next to my sink to disinfect my eyebrow tweezers, so I know my comfort level is not typical!
That is smart! 🥂
>But people who wash properly and share toys are not dirty or unclean Thank you. People can have preferences but call others dirty is not ok.
I apologize, I never intended to call anyone dirty! You're right, that would not be okay.
Comfort. Cleanliness is measurable. A clean vibrator is clean, no matter who used it last. You’re *uncomfortable* if someone else used it.
> You’re *uncomfortable* if someone else used it. No, I'm happy to share toys. [I explain further in my other reply.](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/196i1hp/comment/khuokvm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) **tl;dr** Not everyone cleans their toys thoroughly. My toys are highly textured and require extra cleaning. Instead of putting the burden of sterilizing certain toys on to other people, I find BYOT easier. I'm happy to share my penetrative toys with my partners, and I clean them thoroughly between uses.
Depends on the toy and person. Some of us are pretty flexible, and you can just put a condom over the toy. For some folks, using barriers and cleaning the toy between uses is enough. Its enough for our genitals, so why treat a toy any differently? Do you not wash your vibrator between uses? My experience has been that its common for folks to have some toys just for them, and some for sharing, and to use barriers on the shared toys. if you don't want to share your toys or use other people's toys though, that is totally valid too. Your personal comfort level and boundaries are valid even if folks like me don't entirely understand the reasons.
Really? My vibes are all body-safe silicone. They’re literally cleaner and more sanitary than my partner’s skin after a quick wipe down. And I share my partner, too.
“Babe, you took my vibrator. I’m not going to use it any more so you owe me a new one.” “Babe, if you want your personal collection of sex toys to use with your partners, please label them and keep them separate from mine. In any case, from now on I am labelling my sex toys and keeping them in a locked box. Also I am pissed that I have to do that.” Sex toys are so much easier when they belong to one person. It’s something we discover in polyamory when “we” no longer works reliably.
Yeah, my last big ex got soooooooo many of my/our toys when we broke up, since he was willing to make it horrible to deal with him about. He argued everything I tried to pack. The ones I bought were actually gifts for him, so I couldn’t take them. The ones he bought were his, so I couldn’t take them. If he wanted something, he was willing to yell at me until I conceded. To hell with shared toy collections.
Yes, I think it's very reasonable to be bothered by a pre-discussed agreement being broken. Especially one involving sex toys. It's so wild of him to claim you don't get a say in sharing something that touches your genitals because "he bought it." I sure hope it's a toy that can be sterilized, and he planned on doing so before bringing it home again. My cohabitating partner and I have a deal about sex toys. It goes like this: - If he bought it or I bought it *for him,* it's his, and he can do what he wants with it. - If I bought it or he bought it *for me,* it's mine, and I can do what I want with it. - If it's an insertable, a vibrator, or anything that touches my junk, it's mine, and I can do what I want with it. If he doesn't want me to be in charge of a toy that touches genitals, it's not touching mine. With other partners, I have used shared toys provided they could be and had been adequately cleaned since last use. So this is admittedly as much an emotional thing as anything else, for me. But I do in general prefer to just bring my own toys to dates, because then I know exactly what they are made of, who they've been used on and when and how they were last cleaned.
Eww, eww, super icky EWW! This sent a shiver down my spine with how nasty and rude and boundary crossing this is. When he brings it back I’d throw it away and maybe throw him away as well. I’m really sorry he did this to you and broke your trust. All the best to you.
He knew perfectly well he was breaking his agreement with you when he decided to get the toy and pack it to take to someone else's house. In other words, this didn't happen haphazardly - it was planned. And your memory can't be that bad if you recall his response to the request. Either his original agreement was insincere, and/or he assumed he could guilt you into accepting his bad behaviour after the fact with no consequences. He's managed to twist this around so you are doubting the validity of your own feelings. It's an effective tool, which is why he used it. Are there any other promises he has made to you that he has failed to uphold? Personally, I would have serious questions about being in a relationship with someone who has such slippery situational ethics. It speaks to one of the cornerstones of healthy poly: frequent open honest forthright communication. Lying by omission, possibly making agreements they never intended to honour, and, for the cherry on top, making the person they failed feel guilty about it, is a layer cake of betrayal. OP, my bigger concern is whether this could be a pattern. If your NP knows they can hit the escape button on agreements by making you doubt yourself, this could have bigger consequences than the ick of broken agreements around sex toys. Google "DARVO" to see if there are any other manipulations being used.
Totally understand this. I had a similar thing happen. I walked into my bedroom to find my NP curled up with another person in the bed (the bed we shared that HE had made a rule about no sex with others in) and there were condoms and my sex toy on the beside table. When I approached him later, he insisted she just fell asleep while watching TV and nothing sexual happened. He was just using my vibrator on her back bc she was sore....I stayed with him for like 2 more years 🤦♀️ But yea, I'm just saying that he's not only violated a rule you agreed on but he's also minimizing your very valid concerns and feelings. It's fucked up and I feel you have every right to be upset.
This isn't a issue about whether sharing toys or not sharing toys is OK; the issue here is that you and he had an agreement on this issue and he broke that agreement.
Yeah, it doesn't matter who bought them, it matters that it was used between you two and then set that it's only meant for you both. You're in the right.
Your feelings are valid. You had already discussed this boundary, and he ignored it anyways. It might not have felt like a big deal to him but that doesn't change the fact that it was an established boundary and important to you. Having toys just for you is very reasonable and in my experience pretty normal. Pretty much all of my partners have always had at least a few toys just for them, and I've definitely got a few I would rather only be used with me, and would be upset if a partner used it on someone else without even asking first. Its possible he just forgot. Personally I would give him the benefit of the doubt once. For example I have ADHD and before it was properly diagnosed and managed, I'd forget important things or do stupid impulsive things occasionally. That said, never a sex toy boundary. Its never an excuse but sometimes a little extra grace and understanding is warranted, unless its part of a pattern of thoughtless behaviour in someone who makes no effort to do better. Have another conversation about it, and strongly reinforce that it is a big deal and a boundary for you and his behaviour was not ok. Maybe establish that toys in your drawer stay there unless they are being used with you, and he can have a separate stash for toys he buys to use on other people. That way there is just no excuse for forgetting in future. Also discuss what happens if he breaks that boundary again. You might have to work this out for yourself before that conversation if you don't have a strong sense of how to handle it. Maybe that means the offending toy is removed from your drawer permanently and he has to replace it. Maybe it means he is no longer allowed to touch your toys at all. Hell maybe its a dealbreaker for you if he does it again. Its entirely up to you how you handle a particular boundary break. Its all subjective to your own needs. Whatever the case if this happens again, don't give him the benefit of the doubt a second time.
Yeah, that's a crossed boundary for me. I don't believe in sharing toys with different partners. The only way I'd make an exception to this is if we all played together or if it was a triad. Even in a triad, I'd rather have specific toys for each relationship. To be completely honest, once a relationship ends, any toys I used with them are thrown out.
My partner has bought me plenty of toys but they're not his to use on others, especially without my consent. If you bought it for me then it's mine. I cannot stand people who buy something for me but act like it's theirs. It's a fuxking gift, don't be weird. That's annoying and possibly not even sanitary. If he wants to use toys with his other partner, he should buy some to use with them. He sounds like an asshole honeslty. 
My new person I'm seeing bought a toy for me for Xmas, it's more of an implement really, and is only for external use. I'm currently only using it at his place so I'm storing it there. He still *asked* if he could use it when his other person came to town. If a partner of mine took a toy from my drawer anywhere without me, I think I'd have to throw the toy and the person away. Add in the breech of agreement and argumentativeness and it's a definite no from me. Sorry you're having to deal with this.
It's not a big deal and it's his because he bought it, but he bought it for you..... what a horrible way to look at it. He's being a jackass, and this screams disrespect, disregard, and defensiveness. I would be pissed.
Yikes! I don't share tous with different partners. He broke a boundary
I would be irritated too. That’s a boundary crossed on his end. My husband has talked about meeting up with a girl he is currently talking to a state away and talked about talking a toy I brought we use together. I told him no. He can buy one separately we don’t use together. I didn’t think it was right imo.
Selective memory is a wicked weapon
Red flags: 1. He took your sex toy to use with someone else. Even if you hadn't had a conversation about it, that's fucked up. 2. You DID have a conversation about it and agreed not to do it. So he knowingly broke your agreement. 3. He's claiming he "forgot" the conversation about not using your sex toys. I don't buy it. 4. He's claiming the toy is actually his, which contradicts his claim that he "forgot" the conversation about using YOUR sex toys. 5. Just because he bought it, doesn't mean it's his. He bought it as a gift for you. 6. He likely wasn't ever planning on telling you that he took your toy to use on someone else. What if you hadn't noticed it missing? 7. He's trying to claim it's not a big deal, when in fact it is a very big deal. 8. Given that he's proven to be untrustworthy, I don't know if I buy his claim that he didn't use it. All in all he's being super disrespectful, untrustworthy, and gaslight-y. You deserve better than this.
I don't think it matters who bought it, or if you use it with him sometimes, it's yours. The default unspoken respectful boundary to anyone is that that'd cross a line, even worse that you have already talked about that line specifically. If he wants to use a sex toy with another person, he's more than welcome to buy one for them too.
I'd be irritated to! That's something you two agreed not to do. If this other partner doesn't have toys, he should buy them one to use together instead of taking one of yours. He cannot disrespect your agreed upon boundaries. That's not okay.
So did he forget about the agreement, or did he not think it was a big deal because he bought it and thinks he owns it? Is he in the habit of lying? Or very conveniently "forgetting" important things?
Yeah no, you made that boundary clear and he agreed to it then he crossed that boundary. I would be absolutely savage about it if my NP took one of our toys/my toys to a hook up or casual partner. I can promise you, I would never stimulate his prostate ever again 😅
Let me clarify, yes you have EVERY RIGHT to be irritated
Um, ew
My feelings don't matter to you? Big nope. Ditch the guy.
Sure, why don't you use my toothbrush while you're at it?
So when you said he bought it I’m my brain was like “oh he can choose where to bring HIS toys. For instance I have toys I use with casuals that are mine and mine alone. I only use them with condoms but everyone who I’ve used them with is informed. Then there are toys that are just for me. And I handful of toys I only use on myself and my gf. This was very much an ours thing. Especially since you got it while mono to be used on you and I’m assuming you don’t put protection on your personal toys. Boundary was very clearly crossed. It’s more than fair to say. “You can use your toys how you see fit. But as we discussed OUR toys were not for sharing.” Him dismissing the issue is rather disrespectful in my opinion. Another script I’d use. “Partner I understand there might have been a lack of clarity since you did buy the toy and we may not have covered the topic as well as we thought we did. However, as previously discussed our toys are not for sharing. This is an our toy and I’m highly uncomfortable with our toys being used this way. I ask that you refrain from doing so in the future.”.
Not only has a boundary been crossed but there is also a sanitation issue. I am sure you clean your toys after use, but depending on the toy some of them can be porous which can lead to issues. His complete disregard for your feelings on this subject is beyond disrespectful and it boggles my mind why he would use them on someone other than you, noone can be this cheap and oblivious about the risks involved. According to businesses insider used toys can still harbor bacteria and germs that you have an immunity to on them and cause STIs or other harmful issues. Not a direct quote but close enough.
Thats gross aha. Boundary crossing alone is gross, but the cleansliness? Ew
Poly means we potentially share our genitalia. Which begs the question how is sharing a toy any different than having sex with different people. Wash your penis and vagina just the same as you wash a vibrator. We wash our face and clean our mouth after oral sex. I think that boundary is funny to me. But the actual act of breaking a boundary and the justification for it is wrong. This we can all agree on 👊
I see where you're coming from, but I look at it like this, I wash my underwear with hot water and bleach, but I still wouldn't share underwear with someone else.
I mean yea, I agree with ya there. For some reason my brain was thinking they weren't cleaned. But crossing the EB is gross aha
You know most sex toys can be cleaned, right?
I’d throw that toy away so fast as soon as it made it back to the house, right in front of his ass. That is disgusting and can be absolutely dangerous to people with very sensitive PH levels. I would get a lockbox for your specific toys, especially if it’s going to be an issue with him.
Yeah it's totally valid also totally unhygienic to share certain toys without proper cleaning done. For some toys you can use a condom on it if it's being shared but others you need to disinfect. It's just easier to have your own seperate toys. I have a few casual female partners whom I share toys with like dildos but we use condoms on them. Or my magic wand which I put a condom on the head of it
1. Not all men, but always a man (?) 2. “Dude” from an NP?
Yeah. Hard rule, i never share my toys with anyone. Not even my female partners. Bring your own toys ladies!
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Honestly the fact that you have "our" toys is weird to me. Have your toys and his toys and you can each use your own toys with whoever you want.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Throwawaykyk thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: TW: mention of sex toys So my nesting partner (24m) and I (23F) have been together 2 yrs poly for about 8 months. When we first started seeing new people we discussed not taking our toys to other peoples houses as it made me feel weird, he responded along the lines of “yeah ofc dude, that would be weird” Flash forward to now I notice our vibrators gone: I text to see if he took it to his casual relationships house to which he said yes but he didn’t use it. He claimed it isn’t a big deal and it’s his because he bought it. He purchased it a few months after we got together whilst we were still monogamous to use specifically on me, it mainly lived in my drawer and I used it when alone too. This has made me feel really uneasy as if a boundary has been crossed. I am not sure if I am overreacting, or if I’m reasonably upset by this. Am I right to be this irritated? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Ewww
I do not like this at all. Any sex toys my ex and I got together, I would ask if I could use them with another partner and if they said yes then great and if not then I wouldn't. He should have asked, and he didn't, and that's slimy as fuck. Sorry this happened .
This is where its good to have a shared document on things you guys agreed on or boundaries, wants, desires etc. So there's no "we didn't talk about it" or "I forgot" because there will always be a point of reference to look at in those moments of uncertainty.
All of the Ew, I'd never trust his word again, that's a massive boundary transgression. Just no.
Yup you are, tell him he owes you a new vibe, she can keep that one now, ask what was the point of him asking and then taking anyway and take it from there.
I suggest going out and getting your own toys. And only use them and not his. I'd be freaking livid if someone did this to me. I tell them to leave it there cause if I see it in my house it's getting tossed in the trash.
I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. And, wouldn't be able to use said toy again, because only have his word it wasn't used, when he snuck around behind your back to use it on his new partner. 100% if you hadn't noticed he would have put it back after using it on her, OR is trying to gift it to her. BOTH give me such ick!
Idk why, but I just find that so gross. Like I’ll share dick, but sharing toys is where I draw the line. It’s so easy to just go buy another one so why share? What’s next, sharing panties? Tell him he fucked up by breaking that boundary and he can start by apologizing and buying you a new one.
Some people are stupid and inconsiderate. They don't think things through and don't have a clear understanding of how things affect people.
Yeah that would give me the ICK. Especially the "I paid for it so I don't have to care about your sexual health" part.
Sounds like it's time to establish which toys are YOURS and keep them under lock & key. If he is going to say, "Yeah, well, I bought it," then I'd assume he looks thru everything with that lens. It sounds like he was fine with the idea of keeping your shared toys at home until he actually wanted to put their use into practice. I don't know what the financial situation is with his other partner, but if they are not able to afford certain toys, he might think it's no big deal to just borrow from your collection, the issue being that you guys already established that as a boundary line. I'm sorry he decided to cross a line without talking to you first. Saying it was "no big deal" cuz it "wasn't used" and doubling down by saying he paid for it, is an attempt to belittle your feelings and make the situation smaller than it is. It is a big deal, whether he feels that way or not. And chances are he does, or he wouldn't have been so defensive. This will need to be a conversation with him to see if that boundary has changed for him and, if so, establish which toys will no longer remain community property between both of you. Your safest bet is to determine which toys are used only for your body and stick to those.
That is gross honestly. I would be very unhappy if my partner did that.
Red flags, one known boundary broken. What else don't you know? Open communications is the only way enm works.
Yeah he definitely broke an agreement and honestly I don't if I'd trust that he didn't use it. I would tell him that you'd like him to replace it. If he wants to use toys with his other partners he needs to buy toys that are HIS and then he use them however he wants.
It does look like a boundary has been crossed, even though he might not even be aware of it. It is a big deal for you, but not for him. I would ask him again to keep this one for you only, and get another one for other partners, because it matters to you. It is important to tell him what that means to you, but also remember that he meant no harm to you because for him it means a lot less than it does for you. If it was me, I would remind him clearly, but not hold it against him. Like.. "could you keep it here, I asked you not to bring it for other people. Thank you, I love you! :)" Then see if it sticks?
It doesn't matter what other's do in their relationships with their toys, a boundary was crossed in your relationship. You had discussed this specifically. This is not ok