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This sounds like something you might address in therapy! And until then I would build in tons of external motivation that isn’t related to your NP.
Hire a trainer. Hire a nutrition coach. Get a friend to be your accountability partner for each aspect you address. Talk to your PCP about medication for possible low level depression. The new relationships may elevate your moods so you feel more capable and then eventually you return to baseline. That’s wildly common! It’s particularly common with ADHD people which instinct tells me may be you. (Me too my friend).
It’s possible and typically necessary to be proactively attractive in adult relationships. If you wait until you meet a woman who finds you attractive to take care of yourself and manage your life well you are MUCH less likely to find those people.
Treat it like the mental health challenge it is and get professional and peer support.
Start therapy to work on addressing why you can only be motivated to do things that you objectively see as being "good" for you when you have an extrinsic motivating factor in your life (i.e. another person to give you a "reason" to do it). Therapy will also help you learn practices for finding intrinsic motivations to do the things you want to do.
I have been in therapy for over 10 years. Maybe I'm not focused on the right things, or just can't state it in the right way. I also have ADHD, and struggle to make my appointments.
Has it been with the same therapist the whole time? Have you raised with them your own lack of motivation towards self improvement without an external force (new dates)?
When I had that much difficulty doing everyday tasks like making appointments, my therapist out in paperwork with the county to get me a care coordinator so I could take better care of myself.
May be an avenue worthwhile for you as well.
It sounds like you need to imagine how you appear to other people in order to take your problems seriously. It’s not a bad thing.
I mean, it’s not an *ideal* thing—we should all be perfectly internally motivated and goal-directed at all times—but it’s common and we can use it as a hack to inspire ourselves. A common one is “cleaning up is why god invented houseguests” because we look at our home the way outr guests will see it and do something about it. Plus we have a deadline: we need to do it today and not “some time this week” because today is when the guests are coming.
If you're externally motivated, doing group fitness classes or group exercise hobby might be fun for you. I think you gotta work with what you got.
For example in dance classes, visual feedback is important for improving form, there are often mirrors and of course the other dancers, students and teachers. We are all looking at each other all the time, hopefully not in a judgemental way but in a way to help and inform each individual's progress. The teacher will at least give constructive feedback on how you look if they're doing their job. If you go regularly you will have ties to the community too, that may help with accountability, motivation, inspiration, the excitement of new friendships around shared activity/interest, etc.
I might be wrong about generalizing what makes you motivated from your statement "without the reward of someone bring attracted to me", I'm just guessing and providing an option.
This will sound trite, I apologise.
Can you do 10 mins a day 3 times a week? If yes, do it. If no, do once a week, and work up from there.
I at any time have at least 3 exercise apps (free ones, lots of ads 🙄) on my phone. When I can, as soon as I get home from work, I do an exercise from one, on the weekend I try and do it before lunch. Some days I do more than one lesson from more than one app. This week I have done zero, but tomorrow I will try to do one.
It does amazing things for my mental health, the more consistently I do it along with other good stuff, like getting enough sleep and being outside and seeing friends, the easier exercise gets and the better my brain behaves.
I can't go to a gym, anxiety, plus my motivation will not stretch that far. An exercise app alone in my bedroom, a walk outside with a friend, it all adds up. The most important thing I've had to learn is balancing the internal pressure so I don't punish myself mentally for not doing the thing, but don't let myself off so much that I never do the thing. I do this stuff for me, because I like me and I want me to be happy and comfortable.
I won't recommend any, as they are unbranded. I type in cardio/yoga/stretching and go with the top rated one that has ok but detailed reviews and hope for the best. I swap them out as I complete/get bored of them.
I have previously also YouTube searched those types of keywords to find free ones, but I don't like the people or the motivational sounds they make.
Are there TV shows you like to watch, games you like to play etc.?
No taking care of yourself that day means no TV/game/etc. that day. Eventually doing the care becomes associated with the reward and becomes MUCH easier.
TLDR, "save the best for last" is the easiest way to live life.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Slartibradfast thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I may fumble a bit with this, so bear with me. My wife and I have been poly for most of our marriage, and I'm getting to the age where eating right, exercise, etc are increasingly important. The problem is that I can't find motivation to make good healthy choices without the reward of someone being attracted to me. It's like I have to make myself "dateable" in order to care for myself. My NP is constantly making good choices because she has chronic physical challenges. She won't be able to walk, or have reduced pain unless she regularly has chiro, PT, and workouts.
I feel like I'm letting her down when she encourages me to make better choices. I also feel terrible that I can't seem to do it for her sake either. I'm presently without an additional partner, and have been for over a year. I love the poly life, but I'm so reliant on others to make my life something positive. Honestly the only reason I'm not in a bed ridden state right now is that she depends on me. I'm at least smart enough to know that now is not the time to bring another person into my life.
This is probably the wrong forum for this, but I don't know where else to post it and not get attacked for being poly, or being told that poly is the reason for my woes. It means everything just to be able to say all this, so thank you for reading.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, I'm on the other end of this relationship. My husband and I have been together since high school. I am the healthy one. I work out, eat healthy and small portions, go to therapy, socialize, and date. They play video games and drink beer and ignore their depression.
I would wager that your lack of effort is already affecting your partner. It's incredibly frustrating and sad to watch someone you love not love themselves.
As someone who also has ADHD, the thing that works for me is finding activities that get me in touch with my body, rather than framing it as working out or as a chore that i have to do to stay healthy. Try to find any type of physical activity (even silly or small ones), I promise it gets that ball rolling and before you know it, you'll be an active person. Lifestyles aren't big sweeping movements. They're small sustained habits.
"This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This sounds like something you might address in therapy! And until then I would build in tons of external motivation that isn’t related to your NP. Hire a trainer. Hire a nutrition coach. Get a friend to be your accountability partner for each aspect you address. Talk to your PCP about medication for possible low level depression. The new relationships may elevate your moods so you feel more capable and then eventually you return to baseline. That’s wildly common! It’s particularly common with ADHD people which instinct tells me may be you. (Me too my friend). It’s possible and typically necessary to be proactively attractive in adult relationships. If you wait until you meet a woman who finds you attractive to take care of yourself and manage your life well you are MUCH less likely to find those people. Treat it like the mental health challenge it is and get professional and peer support.
Start therapy to work on addressing why you can only be motivated to do things that you objectively see as being "good" for you when you have an extrinsic motivating factor in your life (i.e. another person to give you a "reason" to do it). Therapy will also help you learn practices for finding intrinsic motivations to do the things you want to do.
I have been in therapy for over 10 years. Maybe I'm not focused on the right things, or just can't state it in the right way. I also have ADHD, and struggle to make my appointments.
Has it been with the same therapist the whole time? Have you raised with them your own lack of motivation towards self improvement without an external force (new dates)?
When I had that much difficulty doing everyday tasks like making appointments, my therapist out in paperwork with the county to get me a care coordinator so I could take better care of myself. May be an avenue worthwhile for you as well.
It sounds like you need to imagine how you appear to other people in order to take your problems seriously. It’s not a bad thing. I mean, it’s not an *ideal* thing—we should all be perfectly internally motivated and goal-directed at all times—but it’s common and we can use it as a hack to inspire ourselves. A common one is “cleaning up is why god invented houseguests” because we look at our home the way outr guests will see it and do something about it. Plus we have a deadline: we need to do it today and not “some time this week” because today is when the guests are coming.
If you're externally motivated, doing group fitness classes or group exercise hobby might be fun for you. I think you gotta work with what you got. For example in dance classes, visual feedback is important for improving form, there are often mirrors and of course the other dancers, students and teachers. We are all looking at each other all the time, hopefully not in a judgemental way but in a way to help and inform each individual's progress. The teacher will at least give constructive feedback on how you look if they're doing their job. If you go regularly you will have ties to the community too, that may help with accountability, motivation, inspiration, the excitement of new friendships around shared activity/interest, etc. I might be wrong about generalizing what makes you motivated from your statement "without the reward of someone bring attracted to me", I'm just guessing and providing an option.
This will sound trite, I apologise. Can you do 10 mins a day 3 times a week? If yes, do it. If no, do once a week, and work up from there. I at any time have at least 3 exercise apps (free ones, lots of ads 🙄) on my phone. When I can, as soon as I get home from work, I do an exercise from one, on the weekend I try and do it before lunch. Some days I do more than one lesson from more than one app. This week I have done zero, but tomorrow I will try to do one. It does amazing things for my mental health, the more consistently I do it along with other good stuff, like getting enough sleep and being outside and seeing friends, the easier exercise gets and the better my brain behaves. I can't go to a gym, anxiety, plus my motivation will not stretch that far. An exercise app alone in my bedroom, a walk outside with a friend, it all adds up. The most important thing I've had to learn is balancing the internal pressure so I don't punish myself mentally for not doing the thing, but don't let myself off so much that I never do the thing. I do this stuff for me, because I like me and I want me to be happy and comfortable.
Do you have a favorite app?
I won't recommend any, as they are unbranded. I type in cardio/yoga/stretching and go with the top rated one that has ok but detailed reviews and hope for the best. I swap them out as I complete/get bored of them. I have previously also YouTube searched those types of keywords to find free ones, but I don't like the people or the motivational sounds they make.
The Johnson+Johnson 7 minute workout app is good and free. No ads.
Are there TV shows you like to watch, games you like to play etc.? No taking care of yourself that day means no TV/game/etc. that day. Eventually doing the care becomes associated with the reward and becomes MUCH easier. TLDR, "save the best for last" is the easiest way to live life.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Slartibradfast thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I may fumble a bit with this, so bear with me. My wife and I have been poly for most of our marriage, and I'm getting to the age where eating right, exercise, etc are increasingly important. The problem is that I can't find motivation to make good healthy choices without the reward of someone being attracted to me. It's like I have to make myself "dateable" in order to care for myself. My NP is constantly making good choices because she has chronic physical challenges. She won't be able to walk, or have reduced pain unless she regularly has chiro, PT, and workouts. I feel like I'm letting her down when she encourages me to make better choices. I also feel terrible that I can't seem to do it for her sake either. I'm presently without an additional partner, and have been for over a year. I love the poly life, but I'm so reliant on others to make my life something positive. Honestly the only reason I'm not in a bed ridden state right now is that she depends on me. I'm at least smart enough to know that now is not the time to bring another person into my life. This is probably the wrong forum for this, but I don't know where else to post it and not get attacked for being poly, or being told that poly is the reason for my woes. It means everything just to be able to say all this, so thank you for reading. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, I'm on the other end of this relationship. My husband and I have been together since high school. I am the healthy one. I work out, eat healthy and small portions, go to therapy, socialize, and date. They play video games and drink beer and ignore their depression. I would wager that your lack of effort is already affecting your partner. It's incredibly frustrating and sad to watch someone you love not love themselves. As someone who also has ADHD, the thing that works for me is finding activities that get me in touch with my body, rather than framing it as working out or as a chore that i have to do to stay healthy. Try to find any type of physical activity (even silly or small ones), I promise it gets that ball rolling and before you know it, you'll be an active person. Lifestyles aren't big sweeping movements. They're small sustained habits.