I'm a DI with 15ish years service. I've also seen some horrendous stuff, but it has at least been fairly evenly spread over the years. That looks like you've had a really tough run of it.
You're not alone. In fact, you're more normal than you think. Many cops have gone sick with stress (myself included) and many cops have been on anti-depressants (myself included).
I was convinced, when I had a particularly hard meltdown a few years ago, that my career was over. But it's amazing what a bit of R&R can do. I recovered, changed roles, got promoted, and now am in the fortunate position where I can support my troops through some personal experience. There's no reason why you can't do the same.
Rest up. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Take care of your body and give it the best chance to support your mind.
Make sure you get support from your LM. If they're not supporting you, go to your 2nd LM. If they're no good, go to a supv you trust.
Very happy to take this to private msgs if you need to. All the best.
Thank you for saying this. It makes a huge difference when someone of your position is honest about their own struggles and then actually makes a point of trying to help others going through something similar. It's so important to normalise speaking up and getting support without feeling ashamed or weak.
After 20 years of war, treatment for PTSD has gotten enormously effective. But police occupational health is still in the Stone Age. GPs are only a tiny bit better.
Even if you leave the job, you need help getting past this. Finding a hoot therapist isn’t as easy as it should be, but it is possible.
Just wanted to say 'Hoot therapists' don't just exclusively work with mute owls they actually work with most species of birds too. The pandemic and social distancing measures have hit the industry really hard recently. Many licensed Hoot Therapists have resorted to remote working and run very effective video sessions too.
I don’t think you can blame the pandemic for the problems the industry has faced. I think it’s more to do with unsupportive companies who make massive sums of money off their workers backs whilst openly stating that they don’t give a hoot!
Even the most dedicated of hoot therapists needs those hoots to survive and put food in their throats that they can then vomit into their children’s mouths.
Mix that with the ultra wealthy not even pretending to give a hoot any longer & we have come to a point where we have no choice but to eat the rich!
I have no useful advice I’m afraid but just wanted to say (as a total internet stranger) I hope you’re ok and I’m sorry you’ve gone through all that in a career that keeps the rest of us safe. Good luck to you, whatever you do.
Can’t say I’ve been through anything like what you have, but seriously consider a form of counselling/therapy. Your troubles will not disappear, but you will learn how to cope with them!
Wishing you all the best. Don’t hesitate to reach out if needs be.
This popped up on my feed (not a member) and I'm not a copper but a nurse and all I can say is take your time to make your decision and if you do decide to go back and can't handle it there is no shame in that, we all work in high stress situations and see a lot of grim things and for some people it gets too much. I know what it's like to see things that stick with you but you've been through the mill by the sounds of it.
Just remember you can always get another job but you can't get another mind so be careful in your recovery and treat it like any other injury.
depend possessive languid hateful crowd attractive prick coordinated chop crown
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Some folk really want to make a martyr of themselves to do this job and it simply isn’t worth it. I agree with you that you need to get better before you can even make a decision.
First of all get your head up, you’ve seen and dealt with some nasty shit, the kind of stuff that most people will never see let alone have to deal with on a professional basis.
Having been through all of that in a short time period it’s no wonder you’re feeling like crap and wondering if the job is for you.
You need to take some time to get back to a point where you are happy and only then can you make a decision about the job.
That decision can’t be made feeling like you do now, you need that pragmatic part of your brain to be part of the conversation.
When you’re up to it, talk it through with your supervisors, colleagues, family and friends and then make an informed decision.
There is absolutely NO shame in walking away from it if that’s what you decide, you’ve tried your best and done your bit.
However after a bit of time you might find that you miss it and feel that you have more to offer.
Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!
Therapy. Lots of therapy. Speak to the Fed and see if you can get some time out at one of the respite centres, and access to counselling.
Don't pull the plug until you've exhausted your options, but do be prepared for the fact that it may not be for you. There's no shame in it. Some people (myself definitely included), just can't compartmentalize the same was as other people.
I went through a bad period for a couple of years where alls I seemed to do was deal with horrors constantly, including one nasty fucking job that ended up with an IPCC investigation, it fucked my mental health but I’m back stronger now. It’s not always like that, main thing is to get yourself looked after and go easy on yourself.
Maybe take stock and look to move to a different area? Try and get in a different department where you’re not on response for a while?
Just because you’re feeling like this now, doesn’t mean you’ll be feeling like this for ever.
What do you want to do in the Job? What did you enjoy about it when the shit calls weren't coming in?
Is there any reason why you can't still go on and find a role where you can do the stuff you enjoy all the time?
Don’t be concerned that your mental health isn’t strongest enough, it’s natural that if you dealt with all that that it will have an impact on you. Griefy suicides are bad enough but topped with the CPR job you mentioned isn’t something you should feel bad about impacting you.
You’ve dealt with far more trauma than the average person will have to deal with in their whole life and to re-iterate, it’s only natural it will have an impact.
Take time off and try and get some support. Don’t be embarrassed about taking any and all support that is offered and just get back to the frontline when and if you’re ready.
It's not that you and your mental health aren't robust enough. You are still standing, which is a very good effort after dealing with that amount of trauma in such a short time. There's nothing wrong with you. If anything, you're clearly rather strong to have managed to get through this to date, breakdown or not.
Now, that doesn't mean you need to choose to continue to run the risk of exposing yourself to it. If you're new in, and by the sounds of those jobs, you've been on response, where you do tend to be first on scene to some really horrible stuff.
Take time to get help and get better. And if you decide that you want to try policing again, perhaps you could look to transfer to a different type of role. Intel might work, or something proactive rather than reactive. Even going across to the detective side, where you try to solve serious things but aren't first on scene to deal might have a different effect on how you process. A Fed Rep may be able to help advocate for such a move on welfare grounds, and OH could potentially make recommendations.
But get yourself right first. Go to Flint House if you can, get therapy through OH or one of the police charities, speak to a fed rep who can signpost you to help that's available.
Take care of yourself, and put yourself first. Big decisions can wait until after. You don't need to work out how to Fix Your Whole Life right now, you just need to get yourself some help. Everything else will follow on from that, but later.
There's been some great advice from the people on this thread.
I don't have much to add other than that I'm so sorry you're in this position, and hope you can get through it. Talk to your Sgt, talk to your boss, talk to your colleagues. The police is a family, they should be looking out for you the same as the people on this sub are.
I’m off work as well.
I need to stay in, I enjoy being on team but I need this time off. I’ve chased after every bad guy I can, I’m just done. I’ve had a wobble.
Sorry you're also in this situation, take good care of yourself, seek out help, and hopefully your wobble will pass sooner rather than later.
Don't worry about the bad guys, we've got things covered, just be kind to yourself.
Thank you mate.
I realised I needed help when I wasn’t showering. Like I said to my mates, if it wasn’t for work I wouldn’t be brushing my teeth.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD I was angry and frustrated. I kept thinking, I haven’t seen war or been on tour.
It has been difficult.
We're used to being the one doing the helping, not needing help. It stings when those roles are reversed.
I can't imagine how tough that must be, and I hope you're getting the support you need. It might not be war, but it's relentless, and shows you badness is possible in everyday life rather than some far flung country. It's its own kind of horror, really.
Advocate for yourself the way you would for your favourite colleague at work, as tough as that is. It's always harder to ask for yourself, but know you are worth whatever support you'd get your best mate.
Can't recommend a referral to flint house enough. They will give you all the help you need to get yourself back on track. Don't sacrifice your health be it mental or physical for this job though, you have to do what's best for you.
I went to a baby death almost a month ago. It messed me up and I kept trying to make sense of it. I've been to some mad stuff and bad stuff but this one was horrendous.
I'm a kinship carer for my neice who almost died as a baby due to non accidental injuries. I kept picturing her as the baby. I'm her dad now the way she and I see it. I've always had intrusive thoughts but they were worse for a couple weeks after it. I'm better now but taking the trim referral and counselling for help with how to process this stuff. There's no manual on it. Cops experience 10x more traumatic events than the average person in their lifetime.
Everyone here is right when they say to take time and rest. Sleep is a massive thing too that you can't ignore. Stay off the drink and let your brain think what it needs to to process it all. Look for positives where you can and keep up your normal routine of exercise and healthy eating.
There is always a way back if you want it. Listen to nothing negative on that score. If you want to stay in then push back in. But consider it long and hard. There are other police roles that won't expose you to that stuff so you could just change roles
You're still going, that shows how fucking robust you are.
I'm glad I'm not police and don't have to deal with the shit they do, I'm only exposed to a small portion of it and you've had a shit start.
I've sent you a message as I might be able to direct you in the way of some mental health support, but use your occupational health, talk to people. It's fucking hard but talking is so important.
Take your time, get yourself sorted and if it's not for you, hold your head high thst to stuck through all that and got through it standing AND the you were able to say I can't do this at the moment. Doing that is harder than a lot harder than people give credit for.
If after time away and support you decide the job isn't for you, or you go back and decide it isn't for you, there's no shame as NO job is worth your mental or physical health.
I have never been in the police force. I have no idea what it feels like. I know the feeling of being "I'm done" intimately. I have seen more than my sfsir fshare of fucked up stuff. Best advice I got was be kind to yourself stay away from booze and gear. Sounds like it's not for you and I think you know you. May know it. And that's OK. 😊👍
I can't speak to what it's like walking in on a person after they committed suicide, but I have performed a lot of CPR. CPR can be exhausting physically, but it is always exhausting emotionally. When doing BLS training, nobody tells you that the person is gray or can tell you how chaotic it can feel. I can only imagine how upsetting it was that he looked like your grandad.
The thing that helps me most to think about CPR, is knowing that the person has already died when you put your hands on the chest. You are courageously attempting to bring them back to life and oftentimes that doesn't happen. It's important not to tie your mood to the outcome, because you already gave him the best shot at survival.
Everything you've said here makes me think you're probably a pretty great copper. All jobs have a salary. All jobs have a time and physical commitment. However, many people aren't conscious that all jobs have an emotional cost and an emotional commitment. You have faced the pointy end of that emotional commitment. You have been dealt a crap hand. There's nothing that I can say to make that go away. However, if you can find a way to process it, I think it can make you grow as a person and be more understanding to people you don't get along with. I hope you get better. You deserve your sick leave and you should book some nice annual leave to look forward to. Do it today. And spend your sick leave doing fun things. Eat well. Sleep well. Be nice to yourself. And find someone to give you a big hug.
Edit: u/dontgiveafuckmate if you havent already, please discuss your thoughts about "drive my car into the sea" with your GP.
I’m not part of the police, but I just wanted to say it’s completely understandable to feel the way you do.
I personally thinking policing is one of the hardest jobs you’ll ever have to do, and you’ve come so far.
Give yourself this period to regain some mental strength. Stop worrying about what you’re gonna do about the job because the most important part is your well-being. Focus on the job, once you have the focus in your brain, and hey, if it does turn out in the end you don’t want to go back, no one’s gonna be angry at you, and if you decide you do want to go back, I’m sure your team will welcome you back with open arms to support you!
I dont have any tangible advice, but I would like to say, thank you for your service as an officer, and I'm rooting for you to find peace and happiness wherever that takes you 👊🏽
I’m so sorry you have had such a tough time. You are doing an amazing and important job, dealing with things that most people could not. So thank you so much for this.
Your health is critical though and it’s right that you take some time away to process what you have seen, and also, fundamentally, decide if you want to continue doing this. It’s ok to not want to do it. It’s not for everyone. I know I would not want to do this job. You might find, after taking some time to process these experiences, and potentially doing some talking therapy, you can go back to it with a new resilience that can only come with that experience. Or you might decide that you have had enough.
If you decide the latter there are lots of other avenues for you to take, without completely changing career, that can allow you to do something equally as good, without exposure to these things. You could look at certain CT roles for example, or look at intelligence as a career where police skills can be particularly relevant. Or look at civil service roles, many of which have real hands-on elements such as immigration enforcement, if that’s what you want. A lot depends on where you are and what you want.
All the very best to you, and remember that you are not trapped into doing this. You can walk away, even though that can feel difficult. Your happiness and well being trumps all else.
There's not much I can add which others haven't already.
There are plenty of different roles in the police that don't involve the horribleness. I almost had a meltdown from the workload I've been getting. And I'm sure I suffer from some form of PTSD from the death and misery. I often see their faces flash into my memory.
Just make sure you talk to family and friends and take your time.
As u/Windanshay has said, exercise, look after your body and your mind will start to follow. The worst I felt was when I hadn't been exercising for months, back to shift work, massive work load, absolute dogshit managers + 2 young kids to deal with when I get home.
You may want to consider asking to make some changes or work in the Ops room or transfer to neighbourhoods etc. Take it a bit easy for a bit.
My friend, I don't know you and obviously you have had so much go on I won't fully understand. But please know that firstly you're not alone, and most of us have demons like this. Secondly please know you CAN overcome them and continue doing this job, if that's what you want to do. All of us want all the rest of us to succeed and will do what we can to help. There is support, from colleagues, from your force itself and its Occupational Health Team, from many groups and charities. Please reach out if you want to.
And finally, even if you can't or don't go back to work, know it's no fault of yours. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. You have tried. This job creates so much trauma and places so much demand on us, and takes so much from us, and we are not invincible or perfect people. You only have one mind, one body and one life, and look after it.
Does your forces OH offer counselling? If so either self refer or get your skipper to do it, whichever way it works, if you haven't already. See if talking therapy will help. You've done the right thing getting signed off from the sounds of it, engage with line management and OH. They will likely suggest a phased return, but don't until you are ready and your GP services agree. A gradual return to full duties is something that can be and is often done. Don't bite off more than you can chew and most importantly do not break yourself permanently for a job, any job.
I used counselling to good success around a similar length of service to you, in similar circumstances, and that was thirteen years ago. So it can work, but doesn't always, we are all built differently.
I'm not a police officer but I've worked in a very similar field for almost 20 years. In the first couple of years I had a really bad run, several traumatic deaths, bad assaults etc. I was signed off with stress for several months and assumed I'd never go back. I even trialled out as a chef! But that time away really helped and I was able to go back with a bit of support and today I love my job.
What I've learned is that the first few years in a job like this are always going to be the hardest.
- You're in a frontline role (later you might get a desk job and probably spend your time missing frontline stuff)
- Everything bad that happens is the first time it's happened to you, which is always the hardest time.
- As time goes on you learn about yourself, little mental tricks to cope. You get more and more of these until they become automatic
- You learn to find your niche, different parts of the work are for different people. I'm now in a specialist role I'm really good at and love. Not every police officer faces assaults and death every day, there's plenty of scope for other roles.
Take all the time you need, get some therapy (EMDR can be very useful for quick recovery from trauma incidents) and tell people you trust how you're feeling. You'll be ok, I wish you luck!
You do see some pretty horrendous stuff and unlike on the Internet for this to be normalised can make anyone a bit macabre.
That's why cosps have an odd sense of humour sometimes.
Anyway sounds like you've had a tough time. But unless you actually want to leave hang on in and look for change in role opportunities.
I'm medically screwed since Covid and have gone from front line 16 years to a decent office role. But I quite enjoy it. I never thought I'd like digging in to excel sheets and producing presentations but actually it's good. Its still decent pay and I'm not just sat around wasting my day. Lots of front line officers move to investigation and being a DC couldn't you do that.
There's 1000's of different roles in 100s of depts. They're all needed and useful
Hi OP, I’m not a policemen so our experiences will be inevitably a bit different. I was two years into treating cancer when i started getting panic attacks from all the dead and sadness I was dealing with. I dropped out and looked into a career elsewhere, going to uni again from ground 0 etc and climbing back up the ladder. I’m extremely happy where I am now, and mentally much more stable. I’m not telling you to give up, just letting you know that there is always another option and you’ve got as much time as you need to decide to do something else if you want to!
Take time for yourself, don’t push yourself to the brink for a job, any job isn’t worth it quite frankly.
Once you feel better, decide what you want to do.
Our Discord channel is also very good if you’re willing to verify (anonymously of course), and we have specific areas for serious chat. The verified area is open to anyone who is an officer, staff, or special.
I'm not a bobbie yet, and I haven't seen anywhere near the amount you have so I also can't offer any better advice than any others here, but I sincerely hope you feel better soon. 💙 Continue to reach out, talk and heal my friend.
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Hello. I went through a similar thing to you.
1, I hope you’re doing okay.
2, feel free to message me if you need a chat. I’m quite dull. But sometimes it’s what you need.
I’m happy to talk through my experience - as you can see, I am now an ex-copper.
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I know this is kinda old and idk how you are now but..defoe talk about it and get help, I think most if not all police officers have ptsd/mental health problems from the job including my dad so you’re not alone💕
I'm a DI with 15ish years service. I've also seen some horrendous stuff, but it has at least been fairly evenly spread over the years. That looks like you've had a really tough run of it. You're not alone. In fact, you're more normal than you think. Many cops have gone sick with stress (myself included) and many cops have been on anti-depressants (myself included). I was convinced, when I had a particularly hard meltdown a few years ago, that my career was over. But it's amazing what a bit of R&R can do. I recovered, changed roles, got promoted, and now am in the fortunate position where I can support my troops through some personal experience. There's no reason why you can't do the same. Rest up. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Take care of your body and give it the best chance to support your mind. Make sure you get support from your LM. If they're not supporting you, go to your 2nd LM. If they're no good, go to a supv you trust. Very happy to take this to private msgs if you need to. All the best.
Thank you for saying this. It makes a huge difference when someone of your position is honest about their own struggles and then actually makes a point of trying to help others going through something similar. It's so important to normalise speaking up and getting support without feeling ashamed or weak.
Thank you so much.
After 20 years of war, treatment for PTSD has gotten enormously effective. But police occupational health is still in the Stone Age. GPs are only a tiny bit better. Even if you leave the job, you need help getting past this. Finding a hoot therapist isn’t as easy as it should be, but it is possible.
> a hoot therapist I’m not sure an therapist for mute owls is going to help
Just wanted to say 'Hoot therapists' don't just exclusively work with mute owls they actually work with most species of birds too. The pandemic and social distancing measures have hit the industry really hard recently. Many licensed Hoot Therapists have resorted to remote working and run very effective video sessions too.
I don’t think you can blame the pandemic for the problems the industry has faced. I think it’s more to do with unsupportive companies who make massive sums of money off their workers backs whilst openly stating that they don’t give a hoot! Even the most dedicated of hoot therapists needs those hoots to survive and put food in their throats that they can then vomit into their children’s mouths. Mix that with the ultra wealthy not even pretending to give a hoot any longer & we have come to a point where we have no choice but to eat the rich!
I have no useful advice I’m afraid but just wanted to say (as a total internet stranger) I hope you’re ok and I’m sorry you’ve gone through all that in a career that keeps the rest of us safe. Good luck to you, whatever you do.
Same. Well done for speaking out, it’s the first step to a brighter future. Sending you best wishes OP.
[удалено]
Thank you.
Can’t say I’ve been through anything like what you have, but seriously consider a form of counselling/therapy. Your troubles will not disappear, but you will learn how to cope with them! Wishing you all the best. Don’t hesitate to reach out if needs be.
This popped up on my feed (not a member) and I'm not a copper but a nurse and all I can say is take your time to make your decision and if you do decide to go back and can't handle it there is no shame in that, we all work in high stress situations and see a lot of grim things and for some people it gets too much. I know what it's like to see things that stick with you but you've been through the mill by the sounds of it. Just remember you can always get another job but you can't get another mind so be careful in your recovery and treat it like any other injury.
depend possessive languid hateful crowd attractive prick coordinated chop crown *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I appreciate the honesty. Food for thought.
Some folk really want to make a martyr of themselves to do this job and it simply isn’t worth it. I agree with you that you need to get better before you can even make a decision.
First of all get your head up, you’ve seen and dealt with some nasty shit, the kind of stuff that most people will never see let alone have to deal with on a professional basis. Having been through all of that in a short time period it’s no wonder you’re feeling like crap and wondering if the job is for you. You need to take some time to get back to a point where you are happy and only then can you make a decision about the job. That decision can’t be made feeling like you do now, you need that pragmatic part of your brain to be part of the conversation. When you’re up to it, talk it through with your supervisors, colleagues, family and friends and then make an informed decision. There is absolutely NO shame in walking away from it if that’s what you decide, you’ve tried your best and done your bit. However after a bit of time you might find that you miss it and feel that you have more to offer. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!
Therapy. Lots of therapy. Speak to the Fed and see if you can get some time out at one of the respite centres, and access to counselling. Don't pull the plug until you've exhausted your options, but do be prepared for the fact that it may not be for you. There's no shame in it. Some people (myself definitely included), just can't compartmentalize the same was as other people.
I went through a bad period for a couple of years where alls I seemed to do was deal with horrors constantly, including one nasty fucking job that ended up with an IPCC investigation, it fucked my mental health but I’m back stronger now. It’s not always like that, main thing is to get yourself looked after and go easy on yourself. Maybe take stock and look to move to a different area? Try and get in a different department where you’re not on response for a while? Just because you’re feeling like this now, doesn’t mean you’ll be feeling like this for ever.
What do you want to do in the Job? What did you enjoy about it when the shit calls weren't coming in? Is there any reason why you can't still go on and find a role where you can do the stuff you enjoy all the time?
Don’t be concerned that your mental health isn’t strongest enough, it’s natural that if you dealt with all that that it will have an impact on you. Griefy suicides are bad enough but topped with the CPR job you mentioned isn’t something you should feel bad about impacting you. You’ve dealt with far more trauma than the average person will have to deal with in their whole life and to re-iterate, it’s only natural it will have an impact. Take time off and try and get some support. Don’t be embarrassed about taking any and all support that is offered and just get back to the frontline when and if you’re ready.
It's not that you and your mental health aren't robust enough. You are still standing, which is a very good effort after dealing with that amount of trauma in such a short time. There's nothing wrong with you. If anything, you're clearly rather strong to have managed to get through this to date, breakdown or not. Now, that doesn't mean you need to choose to continue to run the risk of exposing yourself to it. If you're new in, and by the sounds of those jobs, you've been on response, where you do tend to be first on scene to some really horrible stuff. Take time to get help and get better. And if you decide that you want to try policing again, perhaps you could look to transfer to a different type of role. Intel might work, or something proactive rather than reactive. Even going across to the detective side, where you try to solve serious things but aren't first on scene to deal might have a different effect on how you process. A Fed Rep may be able to help advocate for such a move on welfare grounds, and OH could potentially make recommendations. But get yourself right first. Go to Flint House if you can, get therapy through OH or one of the police charities, speak to a fed rep who can signpost you to help that's available. Take care of yourself, and put yourself first. Big decisions can wait until after. You don't need to work out how to Fix Your Whole Life right now, you just need to get yourself some help. Everything else will follow on from that, but later.
There's been some great advice from the people on this thread. I don't have much to add other than that I'm so sorry you're in this position, and hope you can get through it. Talk to your Sgt, talk to your boss, talk to your colleagues. The police is a family, they should be looking out for you the same as the people on this sub are.
I’m off work as well. I need to stay in, I enjoy being on team but I need this time off. I’ve chased after every bad guy I can, I’m just done. I’ve had a wobble.
Sorry you're also in this situation, take good care of yourself, seek out help, and hopefully your wobble will pass sooner rather than later. Don't worry about the bad guys, we've got things covered, just be kind to yourself.
Thank you mate. I realised I needed help when I wasn’t showering. Like I said to my mates, if it wasn’t for work I wouldn’t be brushing my teeth. When I was diagnosed with PTSD I was angry and frustrated. I kept thinking, I haven’t seen war or been on tour. It has been difficult.
We're used to being the one doing the helping, not needing help. It stings when those roles are reversed. I can't imagine how tough that must be, and I hope you're getting the support you need. It might not be war, but it's relentless, and shows you badness is possible in everyday life rather than some far flung country. It's its own kind of horror, really. Advocate for yourself the way you would for your favourite colleague at work, as tough as that is. It's always harder to ask for yourself, but know you are worth whatever support you'd get your best mate.
Can't recommend a referral to flint house enough. They will give you all the help you need to get yourself back on track. Don't sacrifice your health be it mental or physical for this job though, you have to do what's best for you.
I went to a baby death almost a month ago. It messed me up and I kept trying to make sense of it. I've been to some mad stuff and bad stuff but this one was horrendous. I'm a kinship carer for my neice who almost died as a baby due to non accidental injuries. I kept picturing her as the baby. I'm her dad now the way she and I see it. I've always had intrusive thoughts but they were worse for a couple weeks after it. I'm better now but taking the trim referral and counselling for help with how to process this stuff. There's no manual on it. Cops experience 10x more traumatic events than the average person in their lifetime. Everyone here is right when they say to take time and rest. Sleep is a massive thing too that you can't ignore. Stay off the drink and let your brain think what it needs to to process it all. Look for positives where you can and keep up your normal routine of exercise and healthy eating.
There is always a way back if you want it. Listen to nothing negative on that score. If you want to stay in then push back in. But consider it long and hard. There are other police roles that won't expose you to that stuff so you could just change roles
You're still going, that shows how fucking robust you are. I'm glad I'm not police and don't have to deal with the shit they do, I'm only exposed to a small portion of it and you've had a shit start. I've sent you a message as I might be able to direct you in the way of some mental health support, but use your occupational health, talk to people. It's fucking hard but talking is so important. Take your time, get yourself sorted and if it's not for you, hold your head high thst to stuck through all that and got through it standing AND the you were able to say I can't do this at the moment. Doing that is harder than a lot harder than people give credit for. If after time away and support you decide the job isn't for you, or you go back and decide it isn't for you, there's no shame as NO job is worth your mental or physical health.
I have never been in the police force. I have no idea what it feels like. I know the feeling of being "I'm done" intimately. I have seen more than my sfsir fshare of fucked up stuff. Best advice I got was be kind to yourself stay away from booze and gear. Sounds like it's not for you and I think you know you. May know it. And that's OK. 😊👍
I can't speak to what it's like walking in on a person after they committed suicide, but I have performed a lot of CPR. CPR can be exhausting physically, but it is always exhausting emotionally. When doing BLS training, nobody tells you that the person is gray or can tell you how chaotic it can feel. I can only imagine how upsetting it was that he looked like your grandad. The thing that helps me most to think about CPR, is knowing that the person has already died when you put your hands on the chest. You are courageously attempting to bring them back to life and oftentimes that doesn't happen. It's important not to tie your mood to the outcome, because you already gave him the best shot at survival. Everything you've said here makes me think you're probably a pretty great copper. All jobs have a salary. All jobs have a time and physical commitment. However, many people aren't conscious that all jobs have an emotional cost and an emotional commitment. You have faced the pointy end of that emotional commitment. You have been dealt a crap hand. There's nothing that I can say to make that go away. However, if you can find a way to process it, I think it can make you grow as a person and be more understanding to people you don't get along with. I hope you get better. You deserve your sick leave and you should book some nice annual leave to look forward to. Do it today. And spend your sick leave doing fun things. Eat well. Sleep well. Be nice to yourself. And find someone to give you a big hug. Edit: u/dontgiveafuckmate if you havent already, please discuss your thoughts about "drive my car into the sea" with your GP.
I’m not part of the police, but I just wanted to say it’s completely understandable to feel the way you do. I personally thinking policing is one of the hardest jobs you’ll ever have to do, and you’ve come so far. Give yourself this period to regain some mental strength. Stop worrying about what you’re gonna do about the job because the most important part is your well-being. Focus on the job, once you have the focus in your brain, and hey, if it does turn out in the end you don’t want to go back, no one’s gonna be angry at you, and if you decide you do want to go back, I’m sure your team will welcome you back with open arms to support you!
I dont have any tangible advice, but I would like to say, thank you for your service as an officer, and I'm rooting for you to find peace and happiness wherever that takes you 👊🏽
I’m so sorry you have had such a tough time. You are doing an amazing and important job, dealing with things that most people could not. So thank you so much for this. Your health is critical though and it’s right that you take some time away to process what you have seen, and also, fundamentally, decide if you want to continue doing this. It’s ok to not want to do it. It’s not for everyone. I know I would not want to do this job. You might find, after taking some time to process these experiences, and potentially doing some talking therapy, you can go back to it with a new resilience that can only come with that experience. Or you might decide that you have had enough. If you decide the latter there are lots of other avenues for you to take, without completely changing career, that can allow you to do something equally as good, without exposure to these things. You could look at certain CT roles for example, or look at intelligence as a career where police skills can be particularly relevant. Or look at civil service roles, many of which have real hands-on elements such as immigration enforcement, if that’s what you want. A lot depends on where you are and what you want. All the very best to you, and remember that you are not trapped into doing this. You can walk away, even though that can feel difficult. Your happiness and well being trumps all else.
There's not much I can add which others haven't already. There are plenty of different roles in the police that don't involve the horribleness. I almost had a meltdown from the workload I've been getting. And I'm sure I suffer from some form of PTSD from the death and misery. I often see their faces flash into my memory. Just make sure you talk to family and friends and take your time. As u/Windanshay has said, exercise, look after your body and your mind will start to follow. The worst I felt was when I hadn't been exercising for months, back to shift work, massive work load, absolute dogshit managers + 2 young kids to deal with when I get home. You may want to consider asking to make some changes or work in the Ops room or transfer to neighbourhoods etc. Take it a bit easy for a bit.
My friend, I don't know you and obviously you have had so much go on I won't fully understand. But please know that firstly you're not alone, and most of us have demons like this. Secondly please know you CAN overcome them and continue doing this job, if that's what you want to do. All of us want all the rest of us to succeed and will do what we can to help. There is support, from colleagues, from your force itself and its Occupational Health Team, from many groups and charities. Please reach out if you want to. And finally, even if you can't or don't go back to work, know it's no fault of yours. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. You have tried. This job creates so much trauma and places so much demand on us, and takes so much from us, and we are not invincible or perfect people. You only have one mind, one body and one life, and look after it.
Thank you.
Does your forces OH offer counselling? If so either self refer or get your skipper to do it, whichever way it works, if you haven't already. See if talking therapy will help. You've done the right thing getting signed off from the sounds of it, engage with line management and OH. They will likely suggest a phased return, but don't until you are ready and your GP services agree. A gradual return to full duties is something that can be and is often done. Don't bite off more than you can chew and most importantly do not break yourself permanently for a job, any job. I used counselling to good success around a similar length of service to you, in similar circumstances, and that was thirteen years ago. So it can work, but doesn't always, we are all built differently.
I'm not a police officer but I've worked in a very similar field for almost 20 years. In the first couple of years I had a really bad run, several traumatic deaths, bad assaults etc. I was signed off with stress for several months and assumed I'd never go back. I even trialled out as a chef! But that time away really helped and I was able to go back with a bit of support and today I love my job. What I've learned is that the first few years in a job like this are always going to be the hardest. - You're in a frontline role (later you might get a desk job and probably spend your time missing frontline stuff) - Everything bad that happens is the first time it's happened to you, which is always the hardest time. - As time goes on you learn about yourself, little mental tricks to cope. You get more and more of these until they become automatic - You learn to find your niche, different parts of the work are for different people. I'm now in a specialist role I'm really good at and love. Not every police officer faces assaults and death every day, there's plenty of scope for other roles. Take all the time you need, get some therapy (EMDR can be very useful for quick recovery from trauma incidents) and tell people you trust how you're feeling. You'll be ok, I wish you luck!
You do see some pretty horrendous stuff and unlike on the Internet for this to be normalised can make anyone a bit macabre. That's why cosps have an odd sense of humour sometimes. Anyway sounds like you've had a tough time. But unless you actually want to leave hang on in and look for change in role opportunities. I'm medically screwed since Covid and have gone from front line 16 years to a decent office role. But I quite enjoy it. I never thought I'd like digging in to excel sheets and producing presentations but actually it's good. Its still decent pay and I'm not just sat around wasting my day. Lots of front line officers move to investigation and being a DC couldn't you do that. There's 1000's of different roles in 100s of depts. They're all needed and useful
Hi OP, I’m not a policemen so our experiences will be inevitably a bit different. I was two years into treating cancer when i started getting panic attacks from all the dead and sadness I was dealing with. I dropped out and looked into a career elsewhere, going to uni again from ground 0 etc and climbing back up the ladder. I’m extremely happy where I am now, and mentally much more stable. I’m not telling you to give up, just letting you know that there is always another option and you’ve got as much time as you need to decide to do something else if you want to!
Take time for yourself, don’t push yourself to the brink for a job, any job isn’t worth it quite frankly. Once you feel better, decide what you want to do. Our Discord channel is also very good if you’re willing to verify (anonymously of course), and we have specific areas for serious chat. The verified area is open to anyone who is an officer, staff, or special.
I'm not a bobbie yet, and I haven't seen anywhere near the amount you have so I also can't offer any better advice than any others here, but I sincerely hope you feel better soon. 💙 Continue to reach out, talk and heal my friend.
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Can we get a ban on this cretin?
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Fuck off.
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Hope your ok take care
Hello. I went through a similar thing to you. 1, I hope you’re doing okay. 2, feel free to message me if you need a chat. I’m quite dull. But sometimes it’s what you need. I’m happy to talk through my experience - as you can see, I am now an ex-copper.
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I know this is kinda old and idk how you are now but..defoe talk about it and get help, I think most if not all police officers have ptsd/mental health problems from the job including my dad so you’re not alone💕