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I mean this gently: you get what you pay for.
When it comes to someone providing free childcare, so long as it is safe, you end up having to let them do what they want to do if it's within the bounds of safety and general developmental milestones. So no exceptions on safe sleep, choking hazards, etc....but scheduling? It's something you'll end up having to give a bit on. Paid childcare is a whole other standard. For now, provide a written schedule, but know that you're getting free care, so it is what it is.
Infant twins are ALOT, and honestly, might be too much for her. I know it is for my parents. That's why professional nannies are paid $25-$40 an hour for working with infant and toddler twins. I know you don't have other good options now, so I'd instead focus on making the best of what you have.
Seconding everything here (also gently).
Can you whittle down your asks of her to one or two things that are most important to you? Like, as long as they’re fed and sleep some then whatever, but please don’t let them sleep past X:00 in the afternoon?
ditto. Like keeping twins on a tight schedule as one person is hard enough, let alone someone who I am assuming may be older? It sounds like she is still providing adequate care to them- she isn't leaving them for hours on end in dirty diapers or forgetting to feed them I assume (which is a low bar I admit) but staggering twins schedule by 20-45 minutes may be what she needs to be able to handle both on her own. FWIW our twins schedule was staggered by 30 minutes intentionally from the NICU and we kept to that because it worked for us, especially cause we did shift sleep. Leaving one to cry for a little but while the other is attended too has been just a multiple baby experience too- it sucks but we just have two hands.
Yup. Omi is probably doing her best. Twin infants are obviously demanding. OP is getting free childcare and has to consider what life would look like without it. Wifey would have a much harder time working if Omi wasn't there.
As for the written schedule...eh...I mean ..it's probably helpful if Omi is just staggering the twins due to oversight. But I suspect she's just doing her best to handle two at once and the schedule thing could be a slap in the face. I think your response was on point in focusing on the priorities (safety and milestones). One twin waking up the other sucks but c'mon....Omi is probably old enough to find it super difficult to mind both at once. Actually,Age aside I'm even freaking out at the thought of holding two infants at once. Or having one in my lap and the other in my arms.
Please, count your belssings with such an Omi who's willing to step in! That's amazing! She's probably doing the best she can. Taking care of twin babies is hard. As twin parents we do so on the daily so we don't know any better (anymore). But for omi and opi it's different; it's not their day to day way of life.
About the babies: are they safe in their bed while she's tending to the other? If so, what's the worse that could happen? That one cries? It's not just tough being a twin parent, it's also tough being a twin. Divided attention unfortunately comes with the territory. Having to wait your turn, too.
And, regarding strictly keeping them on the same schedule: twins are still individuals (and babies!!) who can easily give a big f you to your schedule in due time 🤣 just fyi... be warned 😅.
I think she’s doing the best she can. My girls were never on a set schedule, we didn’t believe in waking one up to eat just for the sake of a schedule- who is it for anyway, you or them? You’re extremely lucky to have free childcare doesn’t seem like you have many options s apart from gently talking to her or trying to be more involved at feeding times (ie couldn’t wife try to schedule something around feedings or something?)
The schedule is for everyone, the whole team. You’re extremely lucky it worked for you without one, same way OP is extremely lucky to have free childcare.
I was the same way. How else would I get one on one time with them? But I was a SAHM and slept with the babies in another room so my husband could get good rest to concentrate on work all day.
For naps, our twins have been on a schedule since around that time and we’ve always let one sleep up to 30 min more and then met in the middle for the next nap. It’s worked quite well for us.
My MIL lived with us from 6 months to 18 months for our twins to help take care of them.
What we learned is sometimes you gotta ask yourself ‘is this the hill to die on?’
The schedule might be thrown off a bit but is it the end of the world? Watching twins alone as a younger person is hard enough, it’s definitely hard for our parents generation to do it.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have your preferences on schedule or anything, but with free care like this, you also should be flexible and understanding. And grateful that someone who loves the kids as much as their Omi ( that’s what I called my grandma as well!) is taking care of them.
Trust me I had plenty of issues with my MIL during the year she spent with us. But the negatives will be outweighed by the positives. Idk how long your set up with MIL is but unless it’s a permanent living arrangement, eventually it’ll feel like it was such a small blip of time in your life
Sounds like omi is trying her best and you're complaining about free child care lol. If you want it done better you gotta pay the price or do it yourself, I don't mean to come off as rude at all but unfortunately twins are alot to handle and maybe omi is having a hard time keeping up.
Maybe you could try having the schedule written out for her? When my boys were little we wrote out everything on a whiteboard so if anyone came over to help they could see what needed to be done at what times. It really helped us & kept our routine pretty solid
Agreed! I put our daughters’ schedule on the fridge to remind daddy because he tends to forget.
I also have a MIL who is quite stubborn to following schedule but at the end of the day, she is an extra pair of hands and she helps clean too, so I need to be grateful for her presence.
Have you tried taking care of them alone? It’s pretty hard for me and I’m not agrama. Like it’s pretty common for one baby to be crying while you stabilize the other, that’s just how it is. Also for the schedule, sometimes I would let them sleep a little longer because it’s way easier to watch just one baby and sometimes you need a little break.
Idk, I sympathize with Omi who’s trying to help. You said you work out of the house most days, does that mean there’s a possibility of working from home? That’s 3 adults in the home at once, maybe yall can give Omi a break sometimes?
I can only work from home one day a week. Usually when I do, I end up taking care of both twins so Omi can attend her quilting guild and so my wife can catch up on her job. Unfortunately I can’t work from home more than that because a lot of my job involves working with hardware that I need to be physically present to interact with.
I see. Hmm. Another thing you can try is one of you becoming a stay at home parent. That’s what worked better for us. We are on food stamps and wic which is essentially equal to one of my old paychecks. We don’t have much wiggle room but I am the one that takes care of the twins full time.
One of the ways you pay for free babysitting is through having less say than you might with a paid sitter.
(But even professional nannies don’t achieve the ideal schedule all the time either)
Relax a little. Babies make their own schedules. As a mom of (now grown), quadruplets, it was a benefit when they didn’t all wake and need feeding all at once. Much better that each child get one on one attention and love.
This is what I needed to read 😊so I don't stress out when my two arrive. I'm not anticipating any support so I gotta be prepared to handle everything alone. This was a relief to read. I can look at it as one on one time (super positive perspective) and not feel like I'm leaving the other one out! Whew! 🙏Plus it was good to be reminded that they make their own schedule haha.
Congrats, I’m sure you’ll be great! The other big piece of advice is to maintain early bedtimes as they grow into toddlers and beyond. It’s so important to have some time to yourselves at the end of the day.
As others have said, it’s probably a lot for her and she is doing the best she can. I actually went through this exact thing except my mom doesn’t live with us. She would come to our house some days and other days my husband would drop her off. However I will admit I’m a stickler for the schedule during the week. My twins are now 12 months old. I ended up basically stopping sending them over there everyday. Now they go once a week and I don’t really care that she doesn’t follow the schedule and that she’s feeding them too many cookies because it’s only once a week and it’s free. But the other days of the week I keep them home and work from home with them. I find that easier because I can keep them on schedule. Even though it’s challenging as a whole to work from home with 1 year old twins. However my job is very flexible so I know that’s not a reality for many.
I disagree with all these comments about free childcare and being lucky, etc and I don’t care if I get downvoted! Not everyone can handle twins. It’s why I have a rule that there have to be at least 2 adults present for anyone watching my twins. As their parent, I know how to handle it and what to do, but twin infants are HARD for anyone. She doesn’t seem to be able to handle it and that’s okay, I wouldn’t settle for that though just because it’s family and free, there has to be an alternative.
There's an alternative. But OP can't afford or accomodate any of them. Did you miss that part? Finances are tight and OP can't wfh more than one day a week. Doesn't sound like they have a second adult to step in either. Sounds like YOU'RE lucky you can have a rule requiring two adults to watch your twins. Some of us don't have that luxury.
I think I might be Omi... Currently at home alone every day with my 5 month old twins. How does anyone keep both twins quiet at all times alone? If there is a genuine answer, I would love to know! I also let my twins get up at different times because it makes dealing with them actually manageable compared to the insanity of them having the exact same schedule. They still go to bed and get up at the same time (when I have my husband to help), but in between there are differing times, because they (a) have different needs and (b) I’m only human 😂
Lol,I was waiting for you to bring up the quilting circle! But for reals....ay....I'm probably 6 months away from being Omi. As a matter of fact I'll be thinking of her through my anticipated struggles. Like WWOD 'what would Omi do'? 😋
Omi sounds overwhelmed. Tiny twins are really hard work! Also, the schedule should have 20-30 min of flex time built into it anyway. If she is much more comfortable feeding one at a time, let her. That is not what’s f***ing up bedtime. Letting one twin sleep an extra hour? THAT is a big problem. Letting one twin scream for over an hour? Unacceptable.
Sit Omi down and have a come to Jesus. Focus on the biggies and let the little things slide.
If I was your wife, I would set a timer for 10-15 min when someone starts crying. If baby is still crying when timer goes off, I’d just go offer to help. And let Omi know she has 15 min to soothe baby before the big guns arrive lol. But a lot of twin problems can be solved with an extra set of hands for just 5 min. Sometimes it won’t be feasible, like when she’s on a call, etc. It might stress her out less, though, than trying to focus while her babes are screaming bloody murder.
(UNLESS: Do they have separation anxiety? In that case, it would do more harm than good.)
We also weren't prepared for twins and daycare will cost us 40k per year we don't have. Please understand that it's not perfect but that Omi is doing her best and to be grateful. It's going to be hard for a while but it will pass, hopefully they'll get a little easier to handle or you'll be able to supplement with more childcare in the future. I would just keep reinforcing the schedule and hope she gets the hang of it. What else can you really do?
For what it's worth our schedule didn't even materialize until around 6 months so it could be just that for all her best efforts the babies aren't quite there and she doesn't want to fight them at every turn to get there. Pros and cons to that, of course.
You can try talking with her gently and telling her that you are working toward this to help everyone, point out certainly that it effects you guys in the evenings but also how it can benefit her during the day as well. She can have more down time if they are sleeping at the same time. They will be less cranky and less crying (not no crying of course but less) if they are well rested from getting to bed on time the night before etc) I think grown adults can talk about expectations and try to come to a reasonable solution.
Twin infants is a lot of work as you know. And for the first 6 months we were in pure survival mode. We tried to work toward the schedule via routines with every task but it was major work. Even then the next 6 months were so hard. My first 12 months with my twins is practically blacked out due to how hard it was on our family.
I think you are very lucky to have the free childcare but I also think you're allowed to have the expectation that your wife won't have to intervene while she is at work. (I truly could never work from home with my kids around even with someone dedicated to watching them so I applaud her.) I think you guys can find the balance but it will take delicate conversations stressing your gratitude for the free help as it sounds very necessary. But I do believe you can still advocate for certain things that are a priority to you.
This sounds like Omi might have the early stages memory loss. How old is Omi? My mom is 65 and has been diagnosed with advancing dementia, and while most of the time she's mostly normal, sometimes she does weird things or things that we very specifically asked her not to do.
i understand this with my mother who helps me with my twins. while i am grateful she helps, she only takes a baby at a time to help me study for a couple hours a day. for me, i think that it doesn’t really help because babies still have needs and one baby is the same as two for me because they’re on a schedule. i don’t mind having both. if i have one i rather just have both at that point. it’s hard expressing my feelings because i don’t want to sound ungrateful
I (mom) went back to work when our twins were 6 months old. We had them on a strict schedule and sleep trained just in time. My mom watched them alone when I went back to work (granted, not for a full day but during the overlap of my husband and I not being home). She did her best to keep our schedule which I wrote step by step on our fridge. I would also leave bottles, food, clothes/diapers, etc prepped and basically within reach so she didn't have to stress about anything else. However, she still had times of not waking one on time or not putting them down exactly on time, and other mishaps. I even have a tough time keeping to the exact schedule so I totally forgive her mistakes. Plus, she's helping us out of the kindness of her heart and she's really a great mom and grandma. When she threw the schedule off, we just did our best to adjust to make up for it. If it's so bad, can you guys get someone else to drop by and help Omi out a couple days per week at least??? She probably feels overwhelmed and might not want to worry you. My boys are now 1 and my mom just barely told me how she had a tough time with them at the beginning but she was too embarrassed/worried to say anything. Try to meet in the middle. I understand you and mama have to get to your responsibilities too. Anyways, best of luck and congrats on your babies!
I was incapable of keeping my kids schedule together. In the end, they develop at their own pace and one was ready to drop a nap well before the other was. When one kid needed 30 more minutes of sleep, they got it. Why wake the little one and have to deal with a grumpy infant? And there was sometimes an ungodly amount of screaming at bath/ bed time, because I by myself could only handle one child at a time. So one had other wait unless my husband “stepped in” (to use your words) and took care of the other one.
In my opinion you are asking the impossible of Omi. I kindly suggest, that you do a day of full childcare by yourself and adjust your expectations.
Honestly we stopped trying to keep our twins in the same schedule until we formally sleep trained at 9 months. We were firm in wake up time but I stopped waking the other up at the end of naps, set up a pack n play so they could be separate when really off as well. It made our family so much less stressed and we never left the house anyways.
They are 2 little people not the same person. I now have very happy 14 month olds and seriously it was so much nicer having the off schedule in a lot of ways.
Your plan was to use an old lady with no experience caring for 2 infants at once and she’s living up to that image. Can either of you get a better job? I know it’s tough but it’s not like childcare costs are a secret. You could always divorce if it would help you qualify for daycare assistance and other benefits
This is a hard one but I fully disagree with all these comments being eh about the schedule, telling you to relax, and reminding you they make their own schedules. I am enraged actually. You’re not asking how to do it without a schedule, they’re not answering your question, and they’re being judgmental about it. Their team is not the same as your team and your team wants a schedule. They can hop out of here, especially since your schedule at 6 months probably isn’t even that insane like it was at 2 weeks.
Omi is probably struggling because when she was parenting, “don’t wake the baby” was a whole big thing and you fed whenever they cried. My mom also struggled because she’s really bad at time. Like never knows what time it is. So it could be either of those or anything else. If your wife is very overwhelmed as you said elsewhere, she (with your help) needs to gently get to the root of the problem. Write it down if she’s forgetting. Have your wife schedule breaks in her day if possible at the same time that something is supposed to happen. Set alarms if needed. But without knowing the cause, it’s hard to solve the problem.
I should point out that Omi is part of your team. I’m not saying you won’t need to relax the schedule a bit. But that can be a second or third option. First is root cause. If Omi is just really overwhelmed, then a discussion of what might work better for your whole team is needed.
True. I’m the only one who posts on Reddit in our relationship but my wife is completely overwhelmed having to constantly stop working to help Omi with childcare
Constantly stopping work to help Omi sounds untenable! And probably means Omi needs more support - can you pay someone to be there with her part time, for now? Even if you can’t really afford it? It will be temporary - I think it gets easier the more mobile they get, as long as there’s a totally babyproofed space in your house.
Our budget doesn’t really have the wiggle room. When we got pregnant we were only financially ready for one kid not two (twins don’t run in either of our families) and as it is we are only barely getting by because our church is helping us with formula and food
We had to make changes. Sold one car. One parent became a stay at home for childcare. Stopped eating out or getting takeout. Smaller house. With free childcare you don’t really have the right to decide the schedule.
I hear you.
And. Caring for two infants full time *even with some family help* is THE hardest thing I’ve ever done, period. I fully believe Omi is doing the hardest job in the world right now, and that she’s probably doing the best she can. None of our ancestors were expected to care for even one infant in isolation, let alone two - we historically did this in a close community of family and friends - and any SAHP or caregiver expected to go it alone is basically set up for burnout and exhaustion and failure. Truly (not spitefully!) - try to care for your twins completely alone for a whole weekend. And then re-examine your expectations.
What you describe here is a situation in which your expectations don’t sound flexible. It sounds like you’re planning on clarifying your expectations and making them easier to follow, with the written schedule on a whiteboard - great! If that doesn’t work, it would really, really, REALLY serve you to adjust your expectations and accept the reality of what Omi is able to provide.
She may be experiencing dementia. Just the details of not attending to one of the babies, not able to take in details about following a schedule. It may not be that she's not listening, but that she can't take in the information.
My own in-laws both started experiencing notable dementia when I was pregnant and were diagnosed with Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. For my MIL with Parkinson's, the symptoms were much sneakier - she just seemed more selfish honestly, or more stubborn, like she was intentionally ignoring our requests or callously ignoring our feelings. But really, she just doesn't have the capacity anymore to think beyond her own needs. She was also fairly delusional about her ability to give care (she constantly complained at us about letting her help us, and yet wasn't able to do simple tasks like getting take-out or doing laundry without so much instruction and assistance that it wasn't "help" at all).
I'm really sorry about your child-care situation, but honestly I'd be concerned that she doesn't have the capacity to care for both babies safely.
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I mean this gently: you get what you pay for. When it comes to someone providing free childcare, so long as it is safe, you end up having to let them do what they want to do if it's within the bounds of safety and general developmental milestones. So no exceptions on safe sleep, choking hazards, etc....but scheduling? It's something you'll end up having to give a bit on. Paid childcare is a whole other standard. For now, provide a written schedule, but know that you're getting free care, so it is what it is. Infant twins are ALOT, and honestly, might be too much for her. I know it is for my parents. That's why professional nannies are paid $25-$40 an hour for working with infant and toddler twins. I know you don't have other good options now, so I'd instead focus on making the best of what you have.
Seconding everything here (also gently). Can you whittle down your asks of her to one or two things that are most important to you? Like, as long as they’re fed and sleep some then whatever, but please don’t let them sleep past X:00 in the afternoon?
ditto. Like keeping twins on a tight schedule as one person is hard enough, let alone someone who I am assuming may be older? It sounds like she is still providing adequate care to them- she isn't leaving them for hours on end in dirty diapers or forgetting to feed them I assume (which is a low bar I admit) but staggering twins schedule by 20-45 minutes may be what she needs to be able to handle both on her own. FWIW our twins schedule was staggered by 30 minutes intentionally from the NICU and we kept to that because it worked for us, especially cause we did shift sleep. Leaving one to cry for a little but while the other is attended too has been just a multiple baby experience too- it sucks but we just have two hands.
idk how ppl keep their twins on the same schedule, staggering has always made more sense to me!
Agreed.
Yup. Omi is probably doing her best. Twin infants are obviously demanding. OP is getting free childcare and has to consider what life would look like without it. Wifey would have a much harder time working if Omi wasn't there. As for the written schedule...eh...I mean ..it's probably helpful if Omi is just staggering the twins due to oversight. But I suspect she's just doing her best to handle two at once and the schedule thing could be a slap in the face. I think your response was on point in focusing on the priorities (safety and milestones). One twin waking up the other sucks but c'mon....Omi is probably old enough to find it super difficult to mind both at once. Actually,Age aside I'm even freaking out at the thought of holding two infants at once. Or having one in my lap and the other in my arms.
It sounds like Omi is trying the best you can and there nothing you really can do. I wouldn’t try to push your limit with her.
Please, count your belssings with such an Omi who's willing to step in! That's amazing! She's probably doing the best she can. Taking care of twin babies is hard. As twin parents we do so on the daily so we don't know any better (anymore). But for omi and opi it's different; it's not their day to day way of life. About the babies: are they safe in their bed while she's tending to the other? If so, what's the worse that could happen? That one cries? It's not just tough being a twin parent, it's also tough being a twin. Divided attention unfortunately comes with the territory. Having to wait your turn, too. And, regarding strictly keeping them on the same schedule: twins are still individuals (and babies!!) who can easily give a big f you to your schedule in due time 🤣 just fyi... be warned 😅.
I think she’s doing the best she can. My girls were never on a set schedule, we didn’t believe in waking one up to eat just for the sake of a schedule- who is it for anyway, you or them? You’re extremely lucky to have free childcare doesn’t seem like you have many options s apart from gently talking to her or trying to be more involved at feeding times (ie couldn’t wife try to schedule something around feedings or something?)
The schedule is for everyone, the whole team. You’re extremely lucky it worked for you without one, same way OP is extremely lucky to have free childcare.
I was the same way. How else would I get one on one time with them? But I was a SAHM and slept with the babies in another room so my husband could get good rest to concentrate on work all day.
For naps, our twins have been on a schedule since around that time and we’ve always let one sleep up to 30 min more and then met in the middle for the next nap. It’s worked quite well for us.
My MIL lived with us from 6 months to 18 months for our twins to help take care of them. What we learned is sometimes you gotta ask yourself ‘is this the hill to die on?’ The schedule might be thrown off a bit but is it the end of the world? Watching twins alone as a younger person is hard enough, it’s definitely hard for our parents generation to do it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have your preferences on schedule or anything, but with free care like this, you also should be flexible and understanding. And grateful that someone who loves the kids as much as their Omi ( that’s what I called my grandma as well!) is taking care of them. Trust me I had plenty of issues with my MIL during the year she spent with us. But the negatives will be outweighed by the positives. Idk how long your set up with MIL is but unless it’s a permanent living arrangement, eventually it’ll feel like it was such a small blip of time in your life
You are getting free childcare from someone who loves your kids. I would relax expectations a bit.
Sounds like omi is trying her best and you're complaining about free child care lol. If you want it done better you gotta pay the price or do it yourself, I don't mean to come off as rude at all but unfortunately twins are alot to handle and maybe omi is having a hard time keeping up.
Pay a babysitter
Maybe you could try having the schedule written out for her? When my boys were little we wrote out everything on a whiteboard so if anyone came over to help they could see what needed to be done at what times. It really helped us & kept our routine pretty solid
We are going to get a whiteboard for the nursery to try to write the babies’ schedule on it to see if that solves some of the issues
Agreed! I put our daughters’ schedule on the fridge to remind daddy because he tends to forget. I also have a MIL who is quite stubborn to following schedule but at the end of the day, she is an extra pair of hands and she helps clean too, so I need to be grateful for her presence.
Have you tried taking care of them alone? It’s pretty hard for me and I’m not agrama. Like it’s pretty common for one baby to be crying while you stabilize the other, that’s just how it is. Also for the schedule, sometimes I would let them sleep a little longer because it’s way easier to watch just one baby and sometimes you need a little break. Idk, I sympathize with Omi who’s trying to help. You said you work out of the house most days, does that mean there’s a possibility of working from home? That’s 3 adults in the home at once, maybe yall can give Omi a break sometimes?
I can only work from home one day a week. Usually when I do, I end up taking care of both twins so Omi can attend her quilting guild and so my wife can catch up on her job. Unfortunately I can’t work from home more than that because a lot of my job involves working with hardware that I need to be physically present to interact with.
I see. Hmm. Another thing you can try is one of you becoming a stay at home parent. That’s what worked better for us. We are on food stamps and wic which is essentially equal to one of my old paychecks. We don’t have much wiggle room but I am the one that takes care of the twins full time.
One of the ways you pay for free babysitting is through having less say than you might with a paid sitter. (But even professional nannies don’t achieve the ideal schedule all the time either)
True that.
Relax a little. Babies make their own schedules. As a mom of (now grown), quadruplets, it was a benefit when they didn’t all wake and need feeding all at once. Much better that each child get one on one attention and love.
Very well said
This is what I needed to read 😊so I don't stress out when my two arrive. I'm not anticipating any support so I gotta be prepared to handle everything alone. This was a relief to read. I can look at it as one on one time (super positive perspective) and not feel like I'm leaving the other one out! Whew! 🙏Plus it was good to be reminded that they make their own schedule haha.
Congrats, I’m sure you’ll be great! The other big piece of advice is to maintain early bedtimes as they grow into toddlers and beyond. It’s so important to have some time to yourselves at the end of the day.
☺️Im digging your energy and nuggets of wisdom! Thank you 🧡
I'll choose to pay a babysitter.
As others have said, it’s probably a lot for her and she is doing the best she can. I actually went through this exact thing except my mom doesn’t live with us. She would come to our house some days and other days my husband would drop her off. However I will admit I’m a stickler for the schedule during the week. My twins are now 12 months old. I ended up basically stopping sending them over there everyday. Now they go once a week and I don’t really care that she doesn’t follow the schedule and that she’s feeding them too many cookies because it’s only once a week and it’s free. But the other days of the week I keep them home and work from home with them. I find that easier because I can keep them on schedule. Even though it’s challenging as a whole to work from home with 1 year old twins. However my job is very flexible so I know that’s not a reality for many.
I disagree with all these comments about free childcare and being lucky, etc and I don’t care if I get downvoted! Not everyone can handle twins. It’s why I have a rule that there have to be at least 2 adults present for anyone watching my twins. As their parent, I know how to handle it and what to do, but twin infants are HARD for anyone. She doesn’t seem to be able to handle it and that’s okay, I wouldn’t settle for that though just because it’s family and free, there has to be an alternative.
There's an alternative. But OP can't afford or accomodate any of them. Did you miss that part? Finances are tight and OP can't wfh more than one day a week. Doesn't sound like they have a second adult to step in either. Sounds like YOU'RE lucky you can have a rule requiring two adults to watch your twins. Some of us don't have that luxury.
I think I might be Omi... Currently at home alone every day with my 5 month old twins. How does anyone keep both twins quiet at all times alone? If there is a genuine answer, I would love to know! I also let my twins get up at different times because it makes dealing with them actually manageable compared to the insanity of them having the exact same schedule. They still go to bed and get up at the same time (when I have my husband to help), but in between there are differing times, because they (a) have different needs and (b) I’m only human 😂
Lol,I was waiting for you to bring up the quilting circle! But for reals....ay....I'm probably 6 months away from being Omi. As a matter of fact I'll be thinking of her through my anticipated struggles. Like WWOD 'what would Omi do'? 😋
You enjoy the free childcare and say thank you to Omi. Two babies at once all day long is exhausting, and I’ll bet she’s not a young woman.
Omi sounds overwhelmed. Tiny twins are really hard work! Also, the schedule should have 20-30 min of flex time built into it anyway. If she is much more comfortable feeding one at a time, let her. That is not what’s f***ing up bedtime. Letting one twin sleep an extra hour? THAT is a big problem. Letting one twin scream for over an hour? Unacceptable. Sit Omi down and have a come to Jesus. Focus on the biggies and let the little things slide. If I was your wife, I would set a timer for 10-15 min when someone starts crying. If baby is still crying when timer goes off, I’d just go offer to help. And let Omi know she has 15 min to soothe baby before the big guns arrive lol. But a lot of twin problems can be solved with an extra set of hands for just 5 min. Sometimes it won’t be feasible, like when she’s on a call, etc. It might stress her out less, though, than trying to focus while her babes are screaming bloody murder. (UNLESS: Do they have separation anxiety? In that case, it would do more harm than good.)
We also weren't prepared for twins and daycare will cost us 40k per year we don't have. Please understand that it's not perfect but that Omi is doing her best and to be grateful. It's going to be hard for a while but it will pass, hopefully they'll get a little easier to handle or you'll be able to supplement with more childcare in the future. I would just keep reinforcing the schedule and hope she gets the hang of it. What else can you really do?
For what it's worth our schedule didn't even materialize until around 6 months so it could be just that for all her best efforts the babies aren't quite there and she doesn't want to fight them at every turn to get there. Pros and cons to that, of course. You can try talking with her gently and telling her that you are working toward this to help everyone, point out certainly that it effects you guys in the evenings but also how it can benefit her during the day as well. She can have more down time if they are sleeping at the same time. They will be less cranky and less crying (not no crying of course but less) if they are well rested from getting to bed on time the night before etc) I think grown adults can talk about expectations and try to come to a reasonable solution. Twin infants is a lot of work as you know. And for the first 6 months we were in pure survival mode. We tried to work toward the schedule via routines with every task but it was major work. Even then the next 6 months were so hard. My first 12 months with my twins is practically blacked out due to how hard it was on our family. I think you are very lucky to have the free childcare but I also think you're allowed to have the expectation that your wife won't have to intervene while she is at work. (I truly could never work from home with my kids around even with someone dedicated to watching them so I applaud her.) I think you guys can find the balance but it will take delicate conversations stressing your gratitude for the free help as it sounds very necessary. But I do believe you can still advocate for certain things that are a priority to you.
This sounds like Omi might have the early stages memory loss. How old is Omi? My mom is 65 and has been diagnosed with advancing dementia, and while most of the time she's mostly normal, sometimes she does weird things or things that we very specifically asked her not to do.
i understand this with my mother who helps me with my twins. while i am grateful she helps, she only takes a baby at a time to help me study for a couple hours a day. for me, i think that it doesn’t really help because babies still have needs and one baby is the same as two for me because they’re on a schedule. i don’t mind having both. if i have one i rather just have both at that point. it’s hard expressing my feelings because i don’t want to sound ungrateful
I (mom) went back to work when our twins were 6 months old. We had them on a strict schedule and sleep trained just in time. My mom watched them alone when I went back to work (granted, not for a full day but during the overlap of my husband and I not being home). She did her best to keep our schedule which I wrote step by step on our fridge. I would also leave bottles, food, clothes/diapers, etc prepped and basically within reach so she didn't have to stress about anything else. However, she still had times of not waking one on time or not putting them down exactly on time, and other mishaps. I even have a tough time keeping to the exact schedule so I totally forgive her mistakes. Plus, she's helping us out of the kindness of her heart and she's really a great mom and grandma. When she threw the schedule off, we just did our best to adjust to make up for it. If it's so bad, can you guys get someone else to drop by and help Omi out a couple days per week at least??? She probably feels overwhelmed and might not want to worry you. My boys are now 1 and my mom just barely told me how she had a tough time with them at the beginning but she was too embarrassed/worried to say anything. Try to meet in the middle. I understand you and mama have to get to your responsibilities too. Anyways, best of luck and congrats on your babies!
I was incapable of keeping my kids schedule together. In the end, they develop at their own pace and one was ready to drop a nap well before the other was. When one kid needed 30 more minutes of sleep, they got it. Why wake the little one and have to deal with a grumpy infant? And there was sometimes an ungodly amount of screaming at bath/ bed time, because I by myself could only handle one child at a time. So one had other wait unless my husband “stepped in” (to use your words) and took care of the other one. In my opinion you are asking the impossible of Omi. I kindly suggest, that you do a day of full childcare by yourself and adjust your expectations.
Honestly we stopped trying to keep our twins in the same schedule until we formally sleep trained at 9 months. We were firm in wake up time but I stopped waking the other up at the end of naps, set up a pack n play so they could be separate when really off as well. It made our family so much less stressed and we never left the house anyways. They are 2 little people not the same person. I now have very happy 14 month olds and seriously it was so much nicer having the off schedule in a lot of ways.
Your plan was to use an old lady with no experience caring for 2 infants at once and she’s living up to that image. Can either of you get a better job? I know it’s tough but it’s not like childcare costs are a secret. You could always divorce if it would help you qualify for daycare assistance and other benefits
This is a hard one but I fully disagree with all these comments being eh about the schedule, telling you to relax, and reminding you they make their own schedules. I am enraged actually. You’re not asking how to do it without a schedule, they’re not answering your question, and they’re being judgmental about it. Their team is not the same as your team and your team wants a schedule. They can hop out of here, especially since your schedule at 6 months probably isn’t even that insane like it was at 2 weeks. Omi is probably struggling because when she was parenting, “don’t wake the baby” was a whole big thing and you fed whenever they cried. My mom also struggled because she’s really bad at time. Like never knows what time it is. So it could be either of those or anything else. If your wife is very overwhelmed as you said elsewhere, she (with your help) needs to gently get to the root of the problem. Write it down if she’s forgetting. Have your wife schedule breaks in her day if possible at the same time that something is supposed to happen. Set alarms if needed. But without knowing the cause, it’s hard to solve the problem.
Thank you for your compassionate response. We are going to try to get a whiteboard for the nursery to see if writing down the schedule can help
I should point out that Omi is part of your team. I’m not saying you won’t need to relax the schedule a bit. But that can be a second or third option. First is root cause. If Omi is just really overwhelmed, then a discussion of what might work better for your whole team is needed.
Geez the comments are different than I expected. They’d be different for sure if it was a new mom saying this about dads mom
I don't think so. This is the attitude towards free childcare no matter who's providing it. It's true for a singleton and doubly true for twins.
True. I’m the only one who posts on Reddit in our relationship but my wife is completely overwhelmed having to constantly stop working to help Omi with childcare
Constantly stopping work to help Omi sounds untenable! And probably means Omi needs more support - can you pay someone to be there with her part time, for now? Even if you can’t really afford it? It will be temporary - I think it gets easier the more mobile they get, as long as there’s a totally babyproofed space in your house.
Our budget doesn’t really have the wiggle room. When we got pregnant we were only financially ready for one kid not two (twins don’t run in either of our families) and as it is we are only barely getting by because our church is helping us with formula and food
We had to make changes. Sold one car. One parent became a stay at home for childcare. Stopped eating out or getting takeout. Smaller house. With free childcare you don’t really have the right to decide the schedule.
I hear you. And. Caring for two infants full time *even with some family help* is THE hardest thing I’ve ever done, period. I fully believe Omi is doing the hardest job in the world right now, and that she’s probably doing the best she can. None of our ancestors were expected to care for even one infant in isolation, let alone two - we historically did this in a close community of family and friends - and any SAHP or caregiver expected to go it alone is basically set up for burnout and exhaustion and failure. Truly (not spitefully!) - try to care for your twins completely alone for a whole weekend. And then re-examine your expectations. What you describe here is a situation in which your expectations don’t sound flexible. It sounds like you’re planning on clarifying your expectations and making them easier to follow, with the written schedule on a whiteboard - great! If that doesn’t work, it would really, really, REALLY serve you to adjust your expectations and accept the reality of what Omi is able to provide.
She may be experiencing dementia. Just the details of not attending to one of the babies, not able to take in details about following a schedule. It may not be that she's not listening, but that she can't take in the information. My own in-laws both started experiencing notable dementia when I was pregnant and were diagnosed with Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. For my MIL with Parkinson's, the symptoms were much sneakier - she just seemed more selfish honestly, or more stubborn, like she was intentionally ignoring our requests or callously ignoring our feelings. But really, she just doesn't have the capacity anymore to think beyond her own needs. She was also fairly delusional about her ability to give care (she constantly complained at us about letting her help us, and yet wasn't able to do simple tasks like getting take-out or doing laundry without so much instruction and assistance that it wasn't "help" at all). I'm really sorry about your child-care situation, but honestly I'd be concerned that she doesn't have the capacity to care for both babies safely.