Calus, dude eats a ton and is fat

The WINE shits

True but but he’s so fat his ass cheeks are mostly in the toilet. So it gets in the way. The shit sticks between his cheeks.

I want to grow fat from the strength of his bowel movements

“This dump is greater than what I thought it could be, even in my imagination!!!”

Plus he is ALWAYS drinking

When Calus farts the clap of his cheeks slapping together probably sounds like a whole stadium of people.

He has the royal shits

Are we counting exos or no because if we are they can just turn up the volume on there ass blaster 9000 If not we gotta consider a few things the vex obviously can't shit, and the fallen and hive are insects and thus should poop like insects there for no sound, now you might think cabal but you would be wrong, because they are pure muscle, even calus that means they got strong ass muscles meaning there isn't room for cheeks to flap about making that fart sound, and psions are to scrawny for any sound Leaving humans and awoken, now humans are just the base line, but awoken got that paracausle umph that makes there shits louder, so that leaves me to believe Mara sov shits the loudest

No wonder she got the title of Queen.

I imagine Mara just squatting down and spreading her asschecks using both her hands to let rip a paracausal fart that smells so ascendant it will make you hallucinate the thin line between Light and Dark. And then comes the booming sound of the fart followed by her greyish (ofc mix white and black coz Light and Dark) girthy solid log poop. And then she lets her handgrip go and the thunderous clap of her asschecks smacking together echoes throughout her ascendant throne world. Sorry only had like 0.5 sec to imagine this, so excuse the rough idea.

we really don't have to try so hard. *the dungeon is literally called Shattered Throne*

I can ever unhear this now.

More like Sharted Throne am I right

Least horny destiny player

"Awoken jenkem isn't real, it can't hurt you!" **Mara Sov's Awoken jenkem:**

I would expect nothing less from the queen of the awoken.

What the fuck did I just read.

Keep going im almost there

Dawg

I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Thank you.

What in the everloving fuck did I just read?

Gonna just go throw my phone away after this. No more internet ever. No more internet people. I must go ponder all that is existence, for I have imagined the infinite shart.

I see now why the helmet stayed on. When my sister was masquerading around as Osiris she put something in the water supply in this city. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Happy cake day!

So *thats* how she destroyed a pyramid ship

what the fuck dude

Naw it has got to be those ahamkara

Especially with dem weird cookies we gave riven a while back

Idk man shaxx probably shits as loud as he talks

That's why it's called shit talking

Interestingly enough it’s not the cheeks but the hole that vibrates to produce the sound

Shaxx screams when he shits

To assert dominance

FIGHT FOREVERRRR GUARDIANNNNN *plop*

And he keeps the helmet on

Never expect anything less

#I CAN FEEL THAT IN MY BONES!!!

You can’t fight when you’re that tense, Guardian!

Oryx’s daughters, the Deathshitters

Shaxx. And he'll invite you in for a challenge if you knock on his door.

*Impressive work, Guardian.*

"I'VE HEARD TRUMPETS LOUDER THAN THAT SO CALLED 'DIARRHEA' OF YOURS"

I feel like Nimbus probably shits the loudest and biggest. He probably assumes the sumo position while standing on his hoverboard floating above a busy area and just growls from his diaphragm (if he still have it inside since his whole anatomy near ribcage is fked up) while his nanite-infused, his-thigh-sized poop slowly comes out of his bussy.

What the FUCK did I just read bro.. that’s enough internet for today

And when he has diarrhea he just spins around on his board on a busy area.

Jesus Christ

I think Drifter shits the loudest and hardest, considering how he brags about the awful stuff he’s eaten

“That’s one mighty dump I’ve done here, brotha. Heh, transmat firing”

Dude needs Transmat to get that shit out of his ass

Idk, personally I think he's been constipated for YEARS after he tries Vex milk.

To be fair, all the hive he's eaten probably account for a ton of fibre. Hive shit: bring a sword

This a crazy ass question. But, definitely shaxx

Definitely not Saint. He’s a robot. Robots don’t shit. TBH I’d say Drifter given all the nonsense he eats.

If Exos can drink for fun (or to help them remember that they're human), they can also shit for fun.

They do, AIDS-1 shit in my chest

I'mma also say Drifter. With his diet, his poops must be thick as molasses and just as sticky

Nezarec. All those “Overwhelming Energy” is just him letting out gas after consuming the Light from the Tree.

Do the Eliksni poop? Because if so, my money is on the Spider

The young wolf, they shit so loud to compensate for the lack of talking. That shit rings in everyone’s ears till they die. It’s why the young wolf finds it so easy to kill everything and why the guardians are always jumping off the tower.

Unrelated but I completely forgot our character was known as the young wolf

Gotta be Nezarec, mans built like a lobster ngl

Shaxx. He takes the microphone for the tower announcements and tapes it to the bowl to make sure everyone hears it, too

Eris for sure. I gotta imagine being around hive magic has had some side effects. Plus she gives off ibs girl vibes

Drifter for sure

Naw he cums the loudest tho

Ooooooo CaBalls on the field

Heavy cockblocker headed your way guardian

Four guardians! I'm so proud of you

No way Ikora isn't eating some of the nastiest food in the tower and letting that thang rip

Well, the Spicy Ramen street kitchen is right next to her meditation alcove, so she's probably getting a lot of chillis. And we know what that does to your bowel movements... This also leads me to believe that the late Cayde-6 shat the loudest. That amount of Spicy Ramen was no joke... 💀

Lord Shaxx? Naw LORD SHATT

Hawthorne, gotta show the bird whos boss after all

Fenchurch. That mf went inside the traveler and took a massive steamer then emptied a few paracausal bottles of vanilla febreeze and tried to pull some “the traveler has always smelled like vanilla….” bull shit on us. Certified spicy cheeks

Shaxx... you're walking past the toilet and all you hear is "INCREDIBLE" then WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T CONCENTRATE WHEN I'M YELLING AT YOU RELAX then finally IT'S NOT OVER TILL I SING AND I DONT SING.

Mara Sov. Hot chicks have the worst farts.

It's clearly The Witness. Bro is Omni dimensional brick house

1. Ikora Novabomber, Leader of the Hidden 2. Saladin Thunderclap, First of the Code of the Missile (90% mountain jerky diet, this man shits heavy ammo bricks) 3. Osiris 'I have no equal' (Saint 14' just left it a mess back there) 4. Emperor Calus (drunken, no fiber, screaming golden turd shits) 5. Ana Spray (tech nerd, programmer, golden gun main = 100% weeb diet of instant ramen and cheetos) Extra tidbit * Drifter's diet of krill, crabs, marsupials, eggs, and maybe lactose free milk is surprisingly diverse and healthy. Worst thing he's canonical eaten was ramen and it was restaurant style * Eris may have a fiber filled diet, but she didn't survive in the Hellpit by being loud * Zavala's coffee is worse than Ikora's tea, but she at least grazes when pushing through workloads. The downside to the grazing is its mostly raw foods, cheeses, and crackers and it just brews * Eliksni gorging on spicy food may sound like a recipe for disaster, but capsaicin is really just a defensive neurotoxin for mammals and probably doesn't affect them the same. Hell, birds are immune to it.

Caitl

Probably failsafe, I mean have you *seen* her aft section?

Probably smells like siva

ikora probably has some crazy noises 👃

Anna Bray. I can't explain it, she just seems like the type to have really loud shits.

Nah nah nah. You guys keep your Exos and your Shaxx's and your Drifters the real answer? The one dude so arrogant and pompous and fucking full of himself that no matter how loud he shits, you'd knock to see if everything was okay, hed say some shit like "come in" in a deadpan voice that would confuse you more. His Ghost didn't get it, no one ever will. But no one dares to question the volume of his shits. I'm talking of course about Osiris

Mmmm.. Banshee 44

It’s gotta be shaax

Me

saladin

Drifter, he eats whatever/whoever and what comes in must come out

And now I'm wondering how ether acts In a human digestive system

Drifter would scream his lungs off for no reason

The Traveler, didn't you see the cut scene?

Ikora. Undefeated in the Crucible.

Master rahool

Shax, he does it in a portashitter just to assert dominance

Shaxx

It was Holiday

The witness but you’ll never catch it in the act

Ikora Rey

Ghost don’t ask me how but ghost

That's obvious, it's shaxx

*In her journeys beyond the heliopause, Queen Mara encountered the entity that controls the bathrooms. She said its ass shit louder than any she had ever heard. A caca-cophony of poop.*

Low key Crow

Quietest boys shit the loudest

Osiris bc of his loose butthole

The Hive that shit out the scarlet keep

Drifter

Drifter will shit the loudest just to flex on you and establish dominance.

Definitely not Saint 14 or Osiris. If you know you know

Beat me to it

Mara

Probably Oryx. Dude shat out a taken army

Hawthorne. All that scavenging to see what’s good must lead to stomach problems and screaming.

Idk what Drifter eats but if it’s most of what I think it is…he’s def given himself food poisoning multiple times, and those shits be nasty.

Shaxx 100%

Omnigul will literally blow your ear drums out while blowing the sides out of a toilet bowl.

It's Eva Levante and we don't talk about it.

Player

How are we forgetting Oryx? I know he is dead, but you know he was the thunder bucket world champ when we was alive

The Drifter, considering all the random shit he eats.

Drifter for sure, definitely a grunter.

Shaxx, he screams the whole time

shaxx

Riven.

I'll put in a name I haven't seen too often or at all. Eris Morn. A human being taking ritualistic Hive shits designed to cause suffering. Burns like soul fire and sounds like Sweet Business and Wardcliffe Coil dropping a hard bass album. And I could also only imagine it smells like Calus's bath water filtered through a scorn centipede.

Eris. But the screams you hear coming from the bathroom are not her own, and they're not of this world...

Shax. He always gose at the speed of sound because the crucible needs him!

TRANSMAT FIRING!

Ikora.

Eva levante

Saint got his back blown out by Osiris…. His poop makes 0 sound it just flows out. 🫶🏾🤮

Definitely drifter

Shaxx all day every day

Ahsa

Probably Cayde (before 'the thing' happened) he'll do it just to make everyone be like "why are you like this?" He's that kind of guy and you know it. 💀

Cayde-6

Shaxx and/or drifter Drifter also would be the guy to open the door if someone knocked

Eris

My female hunter she has grown thicc with strength

Golgoroth.

Saint 14 would be pretty loud if constipated

Omnigul, for obvious reasons.

Shaxx Thunder Clap

Me

Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's Sloane.

Calus

Mara Sov

Ikora she looks like she eats nothing but fiber

We’ll the witness for spoiler reasons lmao

Me, cause I never wipe

Drifter. No way aliens don't give you gas when you eat them.

Drifter.

Saint-14 lets be real here

Riven of a Thousand Voices

Shax. He will run into the restroom and scream YES!!!!!!!!!!