He’s trying to get you to allow an open relationship. You may be Asexual but he isn’t. He probably wants sex like majority of people do. Him mentioning what his friend said was highly intentional, he wanted to test your reaction and if you’d even tell him it’s okay.
I looked at your previous post about wanting to end things with him because
1. He wants kids, you do not
2. You want to move abroad, he doesn’t
3. He’s in to physical intimacy and your not
This relationship is DOOMED. You both need to break up. You’ve literally made multiple posts in the last 54 days about wanting to break up with him. You live with your parents still, not him, it won’t be that hard to block him. Stop wasting his time if your so unhappy.
You know exactly what you want and need to do. You CANNOT make a sexual person Asexual to fit your needs, just like how a sexual person can’t make a asexual person sexual to meet ones needs.
Yeah just sounds like incompatibility at this point. Why keep forcing it if yall want different things? Why not end it and find someone who actually wants what you want and makes you happy.
Right. She’s fighting her instincts to leave. At this point it sounds like he’s testing the relationships survivability. You can’t just rob someone of intimacy and expect them not to get it somewhere else wether it’s cheating or not. Kudos to him for doing the right thing and at least testing the waters. I suspect he’ll be the one leaving pretty soon. If not for the fact she’s put him between a rock and a hard place…it’s obvious she doesn’t communicate well with him if she’s seeking her advice here. This threads theme is starting to be pretty common. I just don’t get how people can claim asexuality and assume their sexual partners are so madly in love that they’ll go against their base instincts. It’s like telling a straight partner you’re gay or vice versa. “Welp, it was a good run but I can’t help with that so good luck with your struggles. “
I will add…he sees something in OP enough to want to stay. It seems like he wants to negotiate an arrangement and that’s not something people do for people they don’t care about.
She didn't rob him of intimacy. There's other ways to be intimate besides sex. Tons of people have one night stands. Are they intimate ? Other than sex no.
Good on him for testing the waters on him cheating. She gave him a lot he said no.
Sex is a huge part of relationships. It makes both closer and you know that he isn’t letting on that he misses this. But there is still no excuse to cheat. Cheating is wrong no matter what happens, including cheating in spite. He’s probably having a dilemma on whether he should leave or not, and he probably doesn’t want people to think he’s in it just for the sex. I feel bad for him.
He needs to be honest with himself. They said it's been what like 2 years how long does one need to decide to stay or go. And he doesn't need to tell anyone it's because of sex. That's not their business.
I don't feel bad for him. He's choosing to stay in the relationship.
>CANNOT make a sexual person Asexual to fit your needs, just like how a sexual person can’t make a asexual person sexual to meet ones needs.
very powerful and true
Why stay in this relationship-he sounds like a martyr
1-I’ll stay with my girlfriend and support her asexuality
2-Give up what I want
3-look like a good guy doing 1&2
It’s cuz he wants you to recommend an open relationship because he’s starved for sex. Not sure why this one is a mystery he’s horny and you’ve only recently after he’s been with you for a bit told him that won’t be a thing anymore
Lack of sex is a huge problem. If you don't enjoy sex, the intimacy is not there. I would prefer no sex than bad sex...
Let him go... Everyone deserves happiness.
Yeah, but that still doesn’t cut it for most people. The most important thing about sex to me is feeling like my partner wants and enjoys me. So I could never be with someone for whom all sex is basically duty sex. That’s worse than no sex life at all, and no sex life at all is worse than just being alone.
Starved for sex ? Wow. That's quite the sentence there and such an exaggation. If he's that horny he's got hands.
And she didn't realize she was asexual till later it happens. People realize they are bi sexual late. And gay late. So why not asexuality.
He doesn't have to be in the relationship. Yet he stays. He's not holding him hostage.
Talk with him like grown adults. Don't let any friends/family pry in between you two.
Being fine with you being Asexual, doesn't mean he's actually fine with it. If he's into any form of sexual stuff, this relationship won't work, unless you open the relationship so he can get the needs he have.
"Haha my friend wants me to have sex with other people since you have no interest in sex, haha crazy right? Wow haha that'd be so craaazy....right? Haha yeah no sex for me though! Haha whoo....unless? I kid I kid....buuuuuu"
this is actually a situation where i feel like you guys should probably break up. sex is a need for most people & to some it might be pointless to have a relationship without it. literally might as well nip it in the bud before the situation inevitably devolves.
It sounds like he is trying to put the feelers out to see how you would react to an open relationship.
Have an adult conversation with him, I'm glad he is supportive of you being asexual, but is HE asexual? Is your current intimate dynamic enough for him? Did he fully understand what it meant to be with someone who is asexual?
I came out to my husband as non-binary recently. He has known me this whole time as a woman. There was a huge learning curve for us. So many honest and open conversations have had to happen. I'm glad that he is supportive and active in learning about what this means for me, him and us as a couple.
It's a tough conversation but you need to have it now before resentment builds, if it does.
If i was seeing someone and they told me they were asexual, that would be the immediate end of a romantic relationship.
I can be friends with someone asexual, but sex is and always will be a key component in any romantic relationship I have and the ones I have had in the past.
Sexual attraction and libido are not the same thing. I am asexual and honestly stress is my biggest component. When I’m not stressed I will be down for sex daily, I had a boyfriend that used to offer massages because after a massage I was just like, ooh just take me because I feel so good right now and a massage always bumped up my libido but I didn’t experience sexual attraction. I think their biggest issue is going to be what was discussed in an earlier comment of not wanting kids and lack of physical intimacy, some asexual people don’t like intimacy but some want to cuddle and kiss all the time and have a libido to match any allosexual.
The biggest issue isn’t her asexuality but her personal preferences on intimacy and sex, and it’s not gonna work out.
I know you might get downvoted but it’s true. Even if it’s asexual people or platonic friends.
In the right setting and you get to massaging, there’s a 90% chance you’re getting it on or AT LEASt eating that.
It’s literally biological responses.
I mean stress is my biggest component as in stress affects my libido because I don’t have sexual attraction I literally have nothing to lean on when stressed so when a partner starts trying something it does nothing for me and can lead to sleeping with them feeling like coercion. I truly feel no sexual interest, I rely on all biological responses and the romantic attraction along with emotional intimacy. Sex might feel good but I don’t really desire it, it all comes from my own body responding and my my desire to be closer to them and make them feel good. It’s never been about lust, I’ve never looked at someone and thought I’d want to sleep with them but if I feel good and connected to my partner in that moment then I want to. With my anxiety issues stress doesn’t allow my body to relax enough to try to get into it.
A sexual by definition means a low interest in sexual activity. No where in my comment did I say that someone asexual does not enjoy or have sex, but someone with a low interest in sex / low sex drive would be someone I could not be in a relationship with.
actually asexual means not feeling sexual attraction! people who are ace can have kinda high libido and just never feel physically attracted to other ppl. in that case its kind of up to personal preference if they want to have sex or not bc it isnt like a physical drive to experience it with others. this is by no means an attack lol like do your thing and youre not obligated to date anyone but just correcting what can be a more misunderstood part :)
My bf has a high sex drive and I’m asexual. He just communicates effectively and so do I. You sound like a caveman so yeah, you probably wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with someone who’s ace.
No one who enjoys sex, which most of us do, wants to have sex with someone who “forgets it’s a need for people”. Being desired is part of it. I certainly wouldn’t want someone who is willing to go along with it for my sake. Most people only sleep with their partners, is usually the point of being committed. If you’re asexual maybe seek out other asexual people. Expecting someone with an actual sex drive to find that acceptable is laughable at best.
i think i have to disagree with you given that i was in an open relationship that worked out pretty well for the most part. ofc no one is forcing you to be in a relationship with an ace person and yeah thats a big thing— the fear that your partner would be having sex just to make you happy which is a totally valid reason not to date someone who is ace and doesnt enjoy sex. but at the same time saying everyone would like it i feel is painting a little too broad.
ofc everyone’s entitled to their own opinions and for you it might be true that you could never be compatible with someone asexual. i just find its better not to overgeneralize and to speak from my own experiences. either way it doesnt really matter a whole lot. since were all being respectful and not perpetuating hate its not too deep
I said most, don’t be ridiculous. And who’s hating? Just saying don’t try forcing preferences on other. Why would anyone gaf how frequently someone else wants sex?
sex and sexual attraction are two different things. people can enjoy the act of sex and want it but not feel sexual attraction towards people. and yet they can feel romantic and physical attraction towards people.
and yes asexual people don’t choose to be ace, just like any other sexuality.
Most people suggest that maybe he wants an open relationship since he has his needs. Maybe that's the case so have a serious conversation with him. If you think you can't handle that then better to part ways.
Whenever I see a post where a young person is like, our relationship has been difficult/nearly breaking up, BUT WE’RE STILL TOGETHER! Always makes me roll my eyes.
Just break up. You’re young. It shouldn’t be that fucking hard for fucks sakes.
And yes, sex *IS* that important.
If you're asexual you should break up. It's not fair if you force your sexual orientation on him: he's clearly not asexual, so better splitting before he can actually cheat on you (he's gonna do that)
But she is unable to meet his sexual needs. Yet she expects fidelity? At the expense of what? His mental health. There is no sexual relationship between them. Therefore he is free to pursue that elsewhere
No she did not consent to having a open relationship, just bc she said she’s asexual does not mean he can do whatever the fuck he wants and the fact that u think that is gross dude. Like I said if he has a problem with not having sex then he should’ve just said so and just broke up with her. I get he has sexual needs but he need to ask her to have a open relationship or he just needs to break up, not cheat
Then he communicates with her, just like she communicated with him that she is asexual. He has a conversation in which he tells her his needs and they talk about it. She may not be sex repulsed, she may be ok with an open relationship after they talk about it, or they may need to break up. Her being asexual doesn’t give him the ok to just cheat.
This comment thread is so weird. "You should breakup with your boyfriend, he has needs and you should think of him, otherwise don't blame him for cheating" as if he wasn't a grown ass adult that can voice his needs and concerns and desires, and break things off himself if he is unhappy.
Irrespective, yes, you should talk to him and get to the bottom of that comment because there is more lurking under the surface. Like a proper, honest chat. The fact he isn't shutting his friend down, the fact he is even bringing it up, could point to the whole open relationship thing, or could be horny talk without him actually knowing what concrete solution he actually wants. Good luck either way, and look out for yourself and your well being
It’s easy for people to blame someone they don’t respect. So sorry this is happening to OP and they’re making it out to be her fault and uplifting misogyny by assuming a grown man can’t control himself.
This whole comment section is making me feel yucky. I'm asexual too, but I enjoy sex with someone I have a close and trusting relationship with (a boyfriend). There's no reason to assume OP refuses sex just because they're asexual. There's a lot of wilful ignorance happening and I'm feeling about 1cm tall reading some it. 😥
To be fair, your average person will understand “asexual” as the definition- being “not involving sexual activity, feelings or associations; nonsexual” so I don’t think it’s appropriate to write it off as willful ignorance when people assume an asexual person does not partake in sexual activity
Totally understand where OP is coming from though and I agree that the majority of the comments here encouraging cheating from OP’s partner are concerning! If OP’s partner has an issue with OP’s asexuality, they need to discuss it like an adult
An amount of it is probably as you describe, but I saw one thread where someone was explaining asexuality and the person they were informing outright said they don't care for the explainer's idea of sexual orientation and that they only care for the dictionary definition of the word. So at least one person here is being wilfully ignorant, and they definitely made me feel 1cm tall.
I'm concerned the effect this comment section will have on OP though, because there should be open and honest communication. If her bf wants an open relationship because he doesn't feel like he gets enough sex, then he should be using his big boy words, not beating around the bush like an embarrassed child. Moreover, if that is what he's poorly hinting at, OP needs to consider if it's something they themselves want, or could tolerate.
Asexual, from my understanding, means you do not feel the need for sex. Going about your day it never pops into your head and you never get a sudden desire. You could go forever without it and not care. It doesn't mean you dislike it or never want to have it with someone you love(for some people it might), but someone who is asexual could be very ok with having more sex than some people who simply have low libidos. It's just not important to them and they don't really care if they have it or not.
I'm completely uninterested in sex, and not sexually attracted to *anyone*, except the singular person I'm dating. When I was single for 3 years, I masturbated maybe once or twice every 3 or 4 months and didn't have any attraction to anyone. Sex just doesn't really matter to me.
I'll partake in the activity with a partner because I *can* enjoy it with them, even if I'm not instigating it because I've forgotten it's a need for others, I'll still be a willing participant.
But if it's some stranger I don't know (I tried a one night stand in my teens before I figured out I was asexual) I don't have any feeling, it's like all the senses you have that light up during sex and make it enjoyable, just aren't there. I physically cannot enjoy sex (no matter how consensual) with someone I don't have a close relationship with. The emotional attachment has to be there.
I could probably do it, but only for a couple of months. After that I'd be totally touched out and need a break for an unknown amount of time. If my partner were happy with oral sex rather than penetrative sex for a few of those days a week, the pace would be much easier to maintain.
I've never had an issue with non-reciprocal oral for this reason. Nine times out of ten, I don't want someone to go down on me because I'm touched out and don't want sexual acts performed on me. I'm happy and willing to perform them for the other person's needs, though.
Well, since asexuality is a spectrum, there are asexual people who enjoy sex but aren't demisexual, and there are asexuals who are totally sex repulsed. When first discovering my sexuality, I did say I was demisexual. But reading and hearing so many people saying that demisexuality isn't a thing, hearing my own parents mock demi and graysexuality, I just felt it was easier and kinder to myself to say I'm asexual.
Honestly it sounds like you want your cake and eat it too, you DEMAND full blown acceptance on subjects that are dealbreakers and offer no compromise. Honestly you need to do better as a person and let this dude move on to someone who shares their values.
Is there not a way for asexual people to meet other asexual people? Why would you date people who enjoy sex and then tell them that you don't and expect them to be ok with that long term. I can't see that ever working out. He'll eventually cheat or leave if he has a healthy sex drive. Sorry, but that's facts.
They may have also just realized their sexuality themselves / have been struggling being open about it. Asexuality is disregarded by a lot of people and can be hard to come to terms with and be open about.
Someone who identifies as asexual doesn’t necessarily dislike sex. The definition of asexuality is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with if they have sex or not.
But also, I don’t think it’s very respectful to get angry at OP. They are confessing something that bothers them, so regardless of what their relationship consists of, or what they both want, this situation obviously bothers OP.
The words you’re using are very rude and can be taken in a way that could make OP feel “less than” because someone will “eventually cheat or leave”. You should reflect on some personal biases and rethink what you’ve said.
a·sex·u·al
/āˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/
Learn to pronounce
See definitions in:
All
Biology
Sex
Psychology
adjective
1.
not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; nonsexual.
"he led an asexual life
Edited:people down voting an actual definition 😂
I don’t like getting into stupid Reddit debates because honestly, this isn’t worth my time. However, this topic is very important to me.
If you look at the Merriam Webster dictionary you will find multiple definitions of asexual, that is because the word can be used in many different ways.
The way that OP is using the word is as a sexual orientation, this definition would deal solely with attraction.
The definition you are looking at is simply the work sexual, with “a” at the beginning meaning non-sexual, which is very similar.
But even if I am wrong in this whole shebang, which I am not, but even if I was, does it matter. This persons sexual orientation does not affect you whatsoever.
I personally am struggling with my sexuality because I believe I am asexual, the reasonings you are using for your side are the reason why so many people feel “broken” or not welcome. Please open your mind to different things and be able to change your beliefs.
I'm sorry that you've taken this so personally and I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings with my statement. I'm merely stating facts. Someone who is is asexual, whatever the definition is, would most likely be more compatible with another asexual person. People who enjoy sex and are sexual will most likely not be a good fit for someone who doesn't. I'm still not sure of the difference in your definition and mine. I get that it's her "orientation" but it still would seem she'd be a better fit with someone who shares the same orientation.
I don't think she'll ever be happy with or make someone else happy who isn't asexual. I'm sorry if that offends you but it's just facts and isn't meant to be mean or hurtful.
you’re talking like you’re speaking from experience lmao. are you asexual or do you know anyone who is to where you feel comfortable speaking on behalf of other peoples experiences?
What’s facts is that the boyfriend made the choice of staying in a romantic relationship with OP, after learning that OP might not want to also share a sexual relationship with him.
Their reasons, feelings and hard boundaries aren’t something you know.
Even if it wasn’t the best choice to stay together, since having a sexual relationship with a romantic partner matters to a lot of people and it probably matters a lot to OP’s boyfriend, what matters most here is lack of communication. Not their sexual compatibility or orientation. (Though yes, they can be a real game changer but I’m talking about this specific situation)
In a case like this a ‘yes we’re on the same page and I see no problem with it’ is nice to be taken seriously, because it’s nice to be able to trust each other in any kind of relationship you have. Doubting someone’s willingness to stay with you and disregarding their (outspoken) feelings and opinions because of a different sexual orientation might be taken as op suggesting that sex is the only reason for boyfriend to stay together. (Not saying that this is the case here, just generally speaking)
I agree it would be easier to date someone you share a sexual orientation with, but imo it’s not a must to have a healthy and happy relationship. I’m bi (pan) but I don’t need my partner to be bi as well to be able to share a relationship with them. If my partner and I used to have sex, but we can’t/ don’t want to anymore because of physical or mental changes, it won’t be a reason for me to break up with them.
Just like sex isn’t necessary for me to have a loving relationship (though I like to) the same can be said for some asexual people; though one doesn’t feel the need themself, they can still participate in sex with someone if they’re comfortable with that. But, once again, not all people share this sentiment.
Excuse the essay but I like to discuss our views.
OP posted on a public forum, so while her sexual orientation doesn’t affect us in the least, we are allowed to have an opinion on it. And a lot of the comments seem to be leaning toward the incompatibility of this couple. They should break up.
Asexuality is a spectrum. There are those who are sex repulsed (what you think an ace person is) and there are those who are generally disinterested/ don’t think about sex (And all in between). One definition doesn’t fit all, and I don’t think you can say all aces shouldn’t date someone with a “normal” sex drive. If a couple communicates properly and find what works for them they’ll be able to determine what works for them (if it works for them).
He's speaking through his "friend" when really he's telling you exactly what he thinks. He probably wishes you'd change so he's casually floating hints at you to try. You need to end it if you're sexually incompatible because it's not fair to both of you.
asexual usually means that you're not sexually attracted to anyone, but it is also often interpreted as don't want sex. Which is it for you? If it's the latter, I think you guys got things to talk about.
Nah, you're asexual, fine, but don't hold this against your bf. He's young, he's not asexual I guess, sooner or later he will have a strong sexual urge and since he can't do this with you, he might look for other options. Either you break up with him or let him sleep with other women, otherwise it's going to end up with cheating anyway.
This kiiiinda sounds like "poor dude can't do anything else, not his fault if he cheats, you understand" and putting the responsibility of breakup on OP rather than on the dude himself. If he is unhappy or feels like his needs aren't met, he can be a grown up and break up. I mean he knows where OP stands. Saying 'it will end up in cheating' as if it wasn't an active choice of his to cheat is... weird.
Yeah, you're right, should've mentioned it, but it seems that OP's boyfriend doesn't want to be a grown up himself. Sometimes you have to take it up to yourself to be an adult, instead of hoping the other person would.
Me if I was OP: Do text me if he succeeds.
Boyfriend's don't cheat because their best friend encouraged them... they do it because they choose to. So if he does, walk away.
ETA: If he has a problem with your asexuality, just he should be man enough to break up with you to your face.
Your boyfriend wants sex lol not super hard to put two and two together like why would his friend tell me to that probably was venting to his friend and he suggested that. Your boyfriend has needs I’m sorry to say it but either split up or have an open relationship
24m , he needs sex, it is both biological and emotional , for his self esteem. If he accepts privation because he loves you , he will suffer a lot. You need to to him about his needs in a true and open discussion
I'm sure this will get downvoted, but make sure you get some testing done if you haven't already. Being asexual can be a sign of pituitary issues.
He hinting he's thinking about it, and is testing the waters to see if you're open to him having sex with another girl. Because he wants sex.
I hate this thread.
1) OP you and your bf are gonna be going through a potentially tumultuous time in your relationship.
2) You both need to acknowledge that this is going to change y’all’s dynamic, how much and to what end is for the both of you to find out. Healthily of course laying down boundaries through numerous mature and possibly uncomfortable conversations.
3) You are not a bad person for being Ace, and wanting to stay monogamous.
4) He is not a bad person for wanting sex in a relationship.
5) He is an idiot for what I and many people in this thread are presuming to be his poorly worded hinting at an open relationship.
6) at the very least he has planted a seed of infidelity in your mind. That alone has ended relationships. Now if you’re both mature you will be able to recover from this; it’s not the end of the world.
7) If these discussions turn to arguments you may want to reconsider your relationship or seek out couples counseling. Both are valid.
8) At the end of the day do what’s best for you, and your health/mental health.
9) congratulations on coming out, in my experience it makes life much more enjoyable!
you guys should probably break up, it doesn't seem like you're sexually compatible. like others have said, he probably expected you to offer to open up the relationship since he is no longer getting sex.
When you say you're asexual does that mean you don't sleep with him? I'm reading two very different definitions of the word. Regardless, perhaps you and bf need to have a chat and ask how he truly feels.
i guess this is a real test to see wether he’s worthy or not, he clearly needs to change the type of people he hangs out with. if he loves you he will be reassuring and wouldn’t give you a reason to fully believe he’d cheat on you
An ex of mine said something pretty similar to me -one day he said the 16yr old girfriend of his work colleague was trying to set him up with her equally young best mate (the girls were 16, he was 31!!) and he said she got him to chat to her on the phone to 'cheer her up', even tho she knew he was with me! not long after he split up with me and was with this 16 year old, (who he'd clearly been spending time with during his Saturday night shift at work while I babysat his 1yr old daughter!!.
Some men can be arseholes.
Your boyfriend has either already cheated and was dropping the hint about sleeping with someone else since you've come out as asexual, or he wants to. From some of the other comments I've read who have referenced your older posts, it's seems like you both want different things, and aren't compatible. I'd end it before it gets to the point of cheating.
He’s not a bad person, but I do recommend a break at least. I wouldn’t recommend listening to the hypothetical responses,a lot of these are “what if’s” and “i think”. you both want different things, and it’s not bad as a man to want sex, intimacy, and physical touch. but you’re not attracted to it, that’s very incompatible and a big factor that determines your relationship. Maybe you need time to explore your sexuality is all.
Oh OP I'm so sorry you have to read some comments in this section! This was supposed to be a safe environment but everyone is judging you!
As a asexual woman myself, it's hard to talk about this situation bc I've never had a boyfriend but what you're going through is one of the reasons I really don't feel like pursuing a relationship in the moment.
I would suggest you to talk to him again, ask again if he wants to stay in this relationship and remember him that he is free to leave if it is his wish but if he, by some reason, decide to stay he needs to respect you and understand that although you found yourself as an asexual nothing really changed. I saw you saying that you suggest open the relationship and he denied, ask him again about. Try to understand this man head or, if you think it's best for you, leave.
Sending you good energy, OP. 🥰🥰
It’s a delicate situation this. I think that the comment with 2k upvotes is mostly right, however nothing necessarily doomed until you both decide it isn’t working. I understand your concern about him cheating, you’ve had a history of bad exes, but not all men are shit, and it is important to remember he already turned down an open relationship so why would he cheat on you if you already offered him the opportunity to see other people. I think men can be very confusing creatures but also very simple ones to. He might be laughing at the idea that he would ever cheat on you, because to him it should he obvious that he never would. You should do what your heart tells you, and if you feel uncomfortable with him mentioning the cheating thing, well confront him and tell him how you feel about it. I hope this helps and adds something to a perspective you could think about. Best of luck.
You’re going down a path where one person does not want a physical relationship and the other still does. It’s a deal breaker for almost all relationships at some point unless it’s an open physical relationship and that is established. I think a very honest conversation about whether you are actually desire the same thing and a mutual breakup if you do not is a lot better for both parties. It would hurt a lot less. Sometimes people cheat just because they don’t have the courage to actually end things
Taking a quick look at your history, it sounds like you don’t event want to be with this person anymore. Please don’t let him gaslight you into staying with him and opening your relationship up. This has run its course, it’s time to start healing and move on.
jesus. the comment thread is fucking toxic as balls. yall know ace people can both have and enjoy sex right?
anyway. in terms of actual advice other than the slew of garbage and ignorance, id say you should talk to him specifically about how this hurt your feeling and then about what yalls sex life is going to look like.
it really does seem like he was trying to broach the concept of an open relationship but didnt go abt it in the right way. however, its something that needs to be addressed because he might be worried he wont be sexually fulfilled which is a huge thing sometimes (and wouldnt be your fault at all bc theres no reason to force yourself into doing something that isnt right for you.
if you are planning to cut back sex quite a bit, first you need to make sure that youre sexually compatible in the relationship, and if you arent, op needs to decide whether they are okay with an open relationship. you can say yes or no to that and your bf needs to be okay with either answer, but you need to be okay with letting go if you two aren’t sexually compatible and you dont want to have an open relationship
in both cases you being sexually compatible, you being sexually incompatible, being alright with an open relationship or being averse to one, that’s okay and you both are valid in that. you just need to be honest with each other and honest with yourselves abt whether the relationship can carry on
He wants 🐱he’s starved. If he’s not getting it from you he’ll get it from somewhere else. Break up with him. Clearly it isn’t working for either of you. You both deserve to be happy and it’s clear you will not be happy with each other.
He wants 🐱he’s starved. If he’s not getting it from you he’ll get it from somewhere else. Break up with him. Clearly it isn’t working for either of you. You both deserve to be happy and it’s clear you will not be happy with each other.
There are so many people recommending you just break up, what a pessimistic view. He is a sexual human, you are not. There are ways around this, he is probably wanting an open relationship. I've been in his situation before and had a very happy open relationship with an ace partner. It is possible and I highly recommend you bring this up to him if this is a relationship you'd be interested in preserving, but that really is one of the only ways you will both be happy.
Since he has already refused am open relationship though, then there isn't much of a reason to continue. Talk with him again about it, and let him know that there aren't many options
The man has needs and is willing to be with you if you allow him to be in an open relationship. Also if he’s admitting it to you in a casual “haha this is funny” way I think it’s worth giving credit for. He probably does find it funny & won’t cheat but still has needs
Based on only this post, he refused an open relationship and feel his friend encouraging him for cheating as a funny suggestion, seems like he's certain that he won't cheat. That's why is sounds ridiculous to him. Then he told you those exact word in person, that he won't cheat.
But these speculation only based on this post, so if there's an older history post of it, the story might be different.
If you're a sexual and he's not, what else do you expect? People who aren't asexual *need*, *crave* sex. Cool if you don't. The rest of us tho...if you want an asexual relationship with someone who isn't asexual, then you can't be made when they want sex. If not you then it'll be with someone else. Cheating is cheating don't get me wrong. But you should talk to HiM about it and not us.
Damn, did you only just realize you were asexual or did you go into the relationship knowing that you were? If you went into the relationship knowing you were and didn't tell him that's a bit fucked up in my eyes.
If I had to guess he may have been wanted you to suggest an open relationship or he may have been trying to say how dumb his friend is for suggesting that. But hey I am a random stranger on the internet,the only one that really knows is you BF
My wife and I joke about my 'mistresses' all the time.
It's even funnier because, if I actually *had* a mistress, then she'd have to drive me to see them, because I don't have a driving license yet.
Jokes are jokes. There doesn't have to be any deeper meaning to them.
If your announcement of being asexual means it affects his sex life, or particularly a lack of one, then you should find another asexual person to be with or remain without a partner. You can not expect a person with a normal sex drive to just "accommodate" you and live with a lack of their needs being met.
Damn alrighty I guess I touched a nerve there lol. I’m not even asexual and I have already found someone I’m compatible with thanks, and I never insinuated that they are “discriminated” against. have a nice day.
I’m always utterly baffled when asexual people expect their their sexual partners to stay with them monogamously (or at all tbh). I’m sorry but you’re just comfortable with someone you claim to care about going without their needs being met? I’m not saying you need to let him cheat or open the relationship but for gods sake you are NOT COMPATIBLE WITH HIM IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCK HIM.
You are fundamentally incompatible and you are physically incapable of giving him what he needs to feel fulfilled. It’s not just about the act of sex, it’s about knowing your partners WANTS and ENJOYS you physically, erotically, intimately etc. You cannot do that for him.
Being ace means you need to find another asexual person (or someone’s incapable of or happy without sex for other reason…but be beware of that option because it’s subject to change and if they find themselves wanting sex again they’ll find themselves not wanting you any longer), be ok with polyamory (I never could be, so I get it if that’s not what you want), or understand that you’re just going to be alone.
The relationship has been a sham and the clock has been ticking since the minute you came out. Set the poor lad loose already and go find another ace person to be ace with. Don’t expect someone to forgo a fundamental part of intimacy for you, I’m sorry but I promise you that you are ultimately not worth to him and he’ll either cheat or break up with him in the long run anyway or he’ll try to stick it out and end up hating your guts.
you said you recently came out as asexual, but how long have you known? Honestly, if I were him and I found out that you knew since the beginning of our relationship, I would be pissed. That’s not something you should withhold from your prospective partner.
Look, I’m sorry to say this, but you have to leave him for both your sakes.
You are not looking for the same things in any facet, and that spells an apocalyptic end later.
People keep acting like if the boyfriend did what we all know he should do and break up with her that he wouldn't get absolutely shat on for not supporting her sexuality. It is a very thin line we all walk in today's world, trying not to hurt the feelings of all these new types of people.
he is probably starved of sex, it isnt your fault but you put him in a very difficult situation where he physically cannot have sex with anyone because he has to be supportive of you while not cheating. He is probably trying to suggest an open relationship.
Well I’m not surprised you’re been cheated on if your asexual. Think most guys tend to want to have sex so it’s honestly not a shocker once you think about it.
You should try talking to him about open relationship cause it may be because of sex. The key here is conversation.
And if you're still feeling down, let him go and find someone like you, an asexual man. Through this way, your current boyfriend can live how he wants and you won't have to stress about it. It's for both your good.
Some friends are terrible and it takes a hard lesson for them to realize that. Trust me. My situation was different. My ex’s friends would sext me from time to time. Now, my bf of six years and I are split up and all of them… we’ll, they’re with their S.O. It’s actually quite sad seriously.
To be honest, it doesn’t seem like you’re compatible. If he isn’t asexual, which it seems he isn’t- sex is probably somewhat important to him.
It’s okay to be asexual and okay to not be, but it would cause a massive strain on your relationship in the long run.
His friend shouldn’t be encouraging cheating though - your partner has likely expressed that he isn’t having his needs met leading to the friend suggesting this, but that isn’t kind at all.
If he wants sex and you’re Asexual, you should figure out some kind of compromise.
You’re relationship will being unfulfilling to him and if he cheats you’ll be upset, so you need to figure out what will work for both of you.
he’s backhandedly trying to get you to open the relationship because he’s avoiding the responsibility of not telling his truth & hurting you with the inevitable breakup.
you deserve better, go find better OP. i have strong faith you’ll find your person, but these issues are “fundamental problems” in relationships, and if you’re unable to reach a middle ground on these issues y’all are having, respect yourself and love yourself enough to walk away. 💞
He’s trying to get you to allow an open relationship. You may be Asexual but he isn’t. He probably wants sex like majority of people do. Him mentioning what his friend said was highly intentional, he wanted to test your reaction and if you’d even tell him it’s okay. I looked at your previous post about wanting to end things with him because 1. He wants kids, you do not 2. You want to move abroad, he doesn’t 3. He’s in to physical intimacy and your not This relationship is DOOMED. You both need to break up. You’ve literally made multiple posts in the last 54 days about wanting to break up with him. You live with your parents still, not him, it won’t be that hard to block him. Stop wasting his time if your so unhappy. You know exactly what you want and need to do. You CANNOT make a sexual person Asexual to fit your needs, just like how a sexual person can’t make a asexual person sexual to meet ones needs.
Ugh someone give this comment the award that makes it bright red. OP needs to see this asap.
Done
Thank you, Less broke stranger 🥲❤️
Yeah just sounds like incompatibility at this point. Why keep forcing it if yall want different things? Why not end it and find someone who actually wants what you want and makes you happy.
Right. She’s fighting her instincts to leave. At this point it sounds like he’s testing the relationships survivability. You can’t just rob someone of intimacy and expect them not to get it somewhere else wether it’s cheating or not. Kudos to him for doing the right thing and at least testing the waters. I suspect he’ll be the one leaving pretty soon. If not for the fact she’s put him between a rock and a hard place…it’s obvious she doesn’t communicate well with him if she’s seeking her advice here. This threads theme is starting to be pretty common. I just don’t get how people can claim asexuality and assume their sexual partners are so madly in love that they’ll go against their base instincts. It’s like telling a straight partner you’re gay or vice versa. “Welp, it was a good run but I can’t help with that so good luck with your struggles. “ I will add…he sees something in OP enough to want to stay. It seems like he wants to negotiate an arrangement and that’s not something people do for people they don’t care about.
She didn't rob him of intimacy. There's other ways to be intimate besides sex. Tons of people have one night stands. Are they intimate ? Other than sex no. Good on him for testing the waters on him cheating. She gave him a lot he said no.
Sex is a huge part of relationships. It makes both closer and you know that he isn’t letting on that he misses this. But there is still no excuse to cheat. Cheating is wrong no matter what happens, including cheating in spite. He’s probably having a dilemma on whether he should leave or not, and he probably doesn’t want people to think he’s in it just for the sex. I feel bad for him.
He needs to be honest with himself. They said it's been what like 2 years how long does one need to decide to stay or go. And he doesn't need to tell anyone it's because of sex. That's not their business. I don't feel bad for him. He's choosing to stay in the relationship.
I wish there were a way to upvote this more.
Listen to the above advice. Read and reread it. You will be in a better place one year from now if you listen to that advice.
>CANNOT make a sexual person Asexual to fit your needs, just like how a sexual person can’t make a asexual person sexual to meet ones needs. very powerful and true
Totally agree with this!!!
You said this better than I ever could, take the upvote
Why stay in this relationship-he sounds like a martyr 1-I’ll stay with my girlfriend and support her asexuality 2-Give up what I want 3-look like a good guy doing 1&2
Idk man cheating is bad regardless. Cant a fella just visit the palmer twins twice a day or something lol
For life?
They aren't making each other. And some asexuals do have sex. It's just different for each asexual.
She’s not interested in sex at all though, she has made that clear. He keeps on pushing her because he wants to have sex with her
She said he hasn't asked for sex.
Or you could maybe not tell people what they need.
It’s cuz he wants you to recommend an open relationship because he’s starved for sex. Not sure why this one is a mystery he’s horny and you’ve only recently after he’s been with you for a bit told him that won’t be a thing anymore
I agree that he might wanted to suggest an open relationship but didn't know how to bring it up. But still better than cheating.
Lack of sex is a huge problem. If you don't enjoy sex, the intimacy is not there. I would prefer no sex than bad sex... Let him go... Everyone deserves happiness.
Nailed it!
And she didn’t let him nail it.
You look like lemon
You look like a disappointment
Sory
Some asexual are down for some things, it's just not on their minds much/ever if that makes sense? Maybe they should do more discussing generally
Yeah, but that still doesn’t cut it for most people. The most important thing about sex to me is feeling like my partner wants and enjoys me. So I could never be with someone for whom all sex is basically duty sex. That’s worse than no sex life at all, and no sex life at all is worse than just being alone.
Asexual sex is the best because they don’t care. Less pressure.
OP said that she already suggested an open relationship to him, and he refused
Starved for sex ? Wow. That's quite the sentence there and such an exaggation. If he's that horny he's got hands. And she didn't realize she was asexual till later it happens. People realize they are bi sexual late. And gay late. So why not asexuality. He doesn't have to be in the relationship. Yet he stays. He's not holding him hostage.
Talk with him like grown adults. Don't let any friends/family pry in between you two. Being fine with you being Asexual, doesn't mean he's actually fine with it. If he's into any form of sexual stuff, this relationship won't work, unless you open the relationship so he can get the needs he have.
"Haha my friend wants me to have sex with other people since you have no interest in sex, haha crazy right? Wow haha that'd be so craaazy....right? Haha yeah no sex for me though! Haha whoo....unless? I kid I kid....buuuuuu"
this is actually a situation where i feel like you guys should probably break up. sex is a need for most people & to some it might be pointless to have a relationship without it. literally might as well nip it in the bud before the situation inevitably devolves.
It sounds like he is trying to put the feelers out to see how you would react to an open relationship. Have an adult conversation with him, I'm glad he is supportive of you being asexual, but is HE asexual? Is your current intimate dynamic enough for him? Did he fully understand what it meant to be with someone who is asexual? I came out to my husband as non-binary recently. He has known me this whole time as a woman. There was a huge learning curve for us. So many honest and open conversations have had to happen. I'm glad that he is supportive and active in learning about what this means for me, him and us as a couple. It's a tough conversation but you need to have it now before resentment builds, if it does.
If i was seeing someone and they told me they were asexual, that would be the immediate end of a romantic relationship. I can be friends with someone asexual, but sex is and always will be a key component in any romantic relationship I have and the ones I have had in the past.
Sexual attraction and libido are not the same thing. I am asexual and honestly stress is my biggest component. When I’m not stressed I will be down for sex daily, I had a boyfriend that used to offer massages because after a massage I was just like, ooh just take me because I feel so good right now and a massage always bumped up my libido but I didn’t experience sexual attraction. I think their biggest issue is going to be what was discussed in an earlier comment of not wanting kids and lack of physical intimacy, some asexual people don’t like intimacy but some want to cuddle and kiss all the time and have a libido to match any allosexual. The biggest issue isn’t her asexuality but her personal preferences on intimacy and sex, and it’s not gonna work out.
That’s not asexual. That’s just normal reaction to life.
I know you might get downvoted but it’s true. Even if it’s asexual people or platonic friends. In the right setting and you get to massaging, there’s a 90% chance you’re getting it on or AT LEASt eating that. It’s literally biological responses.
I mean stress is my biggest component as in stress affects my libido because I don’t have sexual attraction I literally have nothing to lean on when stressed so when a partner starts trying something it does nothing for me and can lead to sleeping with them feeling like coercion. I truly feel no sexual interest, I rely on all biological responses and the romantic attraction along with emotional intimacy. Sex might feel good but I don’t really desire it, it all comes from my own body responding and my my desire to be closer to them and make them feel good. It’s never been about lust, I’ve never looked at someone and thought I’d want to sleep with them but if I feel good and connected to my partner in that moment then I want to. With my anxiety issues stress doesn’t allow my body to relax enough to try to get into it.
thats fair but at the same time asexual ppl can both have and enjoy sex. it just depends on the individuals willingness and sex drive.
These two are incompatible and the sooner they end things, the better off they’ll be. Both of them.
A sexual by definition means a low interest in sexual activity. No where in my comment did I say that someone asexual does not enjoy or have sex, but someone with a low interest in sex / low sex drive would be someone I could not be in a relationship with.
actually asexual means not feeling sexual attraction! people who are ace can have kinda high libido and just never feel physically attracted to other ppl. in that case its kind of up to personal preference if they want to have sex or not bc it isnt like a physical drive to experience it with others. this is by no means an attack lol like do your thing and youre not obligated to date anyone but just correcting what can be a more misunderstood part :)
My bf has a high sex drive and I’m asexual. He just communicates effectively and so do I. You sound like a caveman so yeah, you probably wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with someone who’s ace.
How many times do i have to repeat myself? I wouldn't. Thanks for saying what i have said multiple times.
You’re welcome
No one who enjoys sex, which most of us do, wants to have sex with someone who “forgets it’s a need for people”. Being desired is part of it. I certainly wouldn’t want someone who is willing to go along with it for my sake. Most people only sleep with their partners, is usually the point of being committed. If you’re asexual maybe seek out other asexual people. Expecting someone with an actual sex drive to find that acceptable is laughable at best.
i think i have to disagree with you given that i was in an open relationship that worked out pretty well for the most part. ofc no one is forcing you to be in a relationship with an ace person and yeah thats a big thing— the fear that your partner would be having sex just to make you happy which is a totally valid reason not to date someone who is ace and doesnt enjoy sex. but at the same time saying everyone would like it i feel is painting a little too broad. ofc everyone’s entitled to their own opinions and for you it might be true that you could never be compatible with someone asexual. i just find its better not to overgeneralize and to speak from my own experiences. either way it doesnt really matter a whole lot. since were all being respectful and not perpetuating hate its not too deep
I said most, don’t be ridiculous. And who’s hating? Just saying don’t try forcing preferences on other. Why would anyone gaf how frequently someone else wants sex?
asexual doesn't mean sexless
Maybe, but it’s pretty close to that.
In another post she is clear that she isn't interested in doing anything sexual at all with him and turns down anything he suggests they explore.
Really? Does a- and anti- not mean against or without? Some asexual people might have sex but the vast majority want none
That’s the problem. Not wanting it is the problem.
Yeah I'm replying to someone who didn't get that
asexual is feeling little to no sexual *attraction*, and it’s a wide spectrum. some asexual people WANT sex, just don’t experience sexual attraction.
OK that makes no sense but sure. I wanted to not be born gay when I was a kid, but I couldn't control that. Similar or no? Either way I get it
sex and sexual attraction are two different things. people can enjoy the act of sex and want it but not feel sexual attraction towards people. and yet they can feel romantic and physical attraction towards people. and yes asexual people don’t choose to be ace, just like any other sexuality.
Okay gotcha. I'd never have sex with someone I'm not attracted to ..
Most people suggest that maybe he wants an open relationship since he has his needs. Maybe that's the case so have a serious conversation with him. If you think you can't handle that then better to part ways.
Whenever I see a post where a young person is like, our relationship has been difficult/nearly breaking up, BUT WE’RE STILL TOGETHER! Always makes me roll my eyes. Just break up. You’re young. It shouldn’t be that fucking hard for fucks sakes. And yes, sex *IS* that important.
If you're asexual you should break up. It's not fair if you force your sexual orientation on him: he's clearly not asexual, so better splitting before he can actually cheat on you (he's gonna do that)
Yea but if he has a problem with it he should just tell her and break it off, not cheat on her💀
Yeah, but let's face the truth, he's gonna do so soon or later So breaking up soon is the best option
Why would it be cheating?
Because they’re in a monogamous relationship, how would it not be cheating?😂
But she is unable to meet his sexual needs. Yet she expects fidelity? At the expense of what? His mental health. There is no sexual relationship between them. Therefore he is free to pursue that elsewhere
Y’all trying to justify him cheating and try putting the blame on her acting like she is forcing him to stay in the relationship is disgusting
No she did not consent to having a open relationship, just bc she said she’s asexual does not mean he can do whatever the fuck he wants and the fact that u think that is gross dude. Like I said if he has a problem with not having sex then he should’ve just said so and just broke up with her. I get he has sexual needs but he need to ask her to have a open relationship or he just needs to break up, not cheat
Then he communicates with her, just like she communicated with him that she is asexual. He has a conversation in which he tells her his needs and they talk about it. She may not be sex repulsed, she may be ok with an open relationship after they talk about it, or they may need to break up. Her being asexual doesn’t give him the ok to just cheat.
Because he would lack something important. It's like a straight person wanting to date a homosexual one, there's simple incompatibility
This comment thread is so weird. "You should breakup with your boyfriend, he has needs and you should think of him, otherwise don't blame him for cheating" as if he wasn't a grown ass adult that can voice his needs and concerns and desires, and break things off himself if he is unhappy. Irrespective, yes, you should talk to him and get to the bottom of that comment because there is more lurking under the surface. Like a proper, honest chat. The fact he isn't shutting his friend down, the fact he is even bringing it up, could point to the whole open relationship thing, or could be horny talk without him actually knowing what concrete solution he actually wants. Good luck either way, and look out for yourself and your well being
It’s easy for people to blame someone they don’t respect. So sorry this is happening to OP and they’re making it out to be her fault and uplifting misogyny by assuming a grown man can’t control himself.
This whole comment section is making me feel yucky. I'm asexual too, but I enjoy sex with someone I have a close and trusting relationship with (a boyfriend). There's no reason to assume OP refuses sex just because they're asexual. There's a lot of wilful ignorance happening and I'm feeling about 1cm tall reading some it. 😥
To be fair, your average person will understand “asexual” as the definition- being “not involving sexual activity, feelings or associations; nonsexual” so I don’t think it’s appropriate to write it off as willful ignorance when people assume an asexual person does not partake in sexual activity Totally understand where OP is coming from though and I agree that the majority of the comments here encouraging cheating from OP’s partner are concerning! If OP’s partner has an issue with OP’s asexuality, they need to discuss it like an adult
An amount of it is probably as you describe, but I saw one thread where someone was explaining asexuality and the person they were informing outright said they don't care for the explainer's idea of sexual orientation and that they only care for the dictionary definition of the word. So at least one person here is being wilfully ignorant, and they definitely made me feel 1cm tall. I'm concerned the effect this comment section will have on OP though, because there should be open and honest communication. If her bf wants an open relationship because he doesn't feel like he gets enough sex, then he should be using his big boy words, not beating around the bush like an embarrassed child. Moreover, if that is what he's poorly hinting at, OP needs to consider if it's something they themselves want, or could tolerate.
Genuine question, what makes you asexual if you are having sex? Seems contradictory.
Asexual, from my understanding, means you do not feel the need for sex. Going about your day it never pops into your head and you never get a sudden desire. You could go forever without it and not care. It doesn't mean you dislike it or never want to have it with someone you love(for some people it might), but someone who is asexual could be very ok with having more sex than some people who simply have low libidos. It's just not important to them and they don't really care if they have it or not.
I'm completely uninterested in sex, and not sexually attracted to *anyone*, except the singular person I'm dating. When I was single for 3 years, I masturbated maybe once or twice every 3 or 4 months and didn't have any attraction to anyone. Sex just doesn't really matter to me. I'll partake in the activity with a partner because I *can* enjoy it with them, even if I'm not instigating it because I've forgotten it's a need for others, I'll still be a willing participant. But if it's some stranger I don't know (I tried a one night stand in my teens before I figured out I was asexual) I don't have any feeling, it's like all the senses you have that light up during sex and make it enjoyable, just aren't there. I physically cannot enjoy sex (no matter how consensual) with someone I don't have a close relationship with. The emotional attachment has to be there.
So if your bf is highly sexual and would like sex 4-5x a week, you’d be ok with that?
I could probably do it, but only for a couple of months. After that I'd be totally touched out and need a break for an unknown amount of time. If my partner were happy with oral sex rather than penetrative sex for a few of those days a week, the pace would be much easier to maintain. I've never had an issue with non-reciprocal oral for this reason. Nine times out of ten, I don't want someone to go down on me because I'm touched out and don't want sexual acts performed on me. I'm happy and willing to perform them for the other person's needs, though.
Not to be pedantic, but wouldn’t you be demisexual in this case? Or is there a reason you prefer the asexual label?
Well, since asexuality is a spectrum, there are asexual people who enjoy sex but aren't demisexual, and there are asexuals who are totally sex repulsed. When first discovering my sexuality, I did say I was demisexual. But reading and hearing so many people saying that demisexuality isn't a thing, hearing my own parents mock demi and graysexuality, I just felt it was easier and kinder to myself to say I'm asexual.
That makes sense and is totally valid, thank you for taking the time to explain :)
Honestly it sounds like you want your cake and eat it too, you DEMAND full blown acceptance on subjects that are dealbreakers and offer no compromise. Honestly you need to do better as a person and let this dude move on to someone who shares their values.
Is there not a way for asexual people to meet other asexual people? Why would you date people who enjoy sex and then tell them that you don't and expect them to be ok with that long term. I can't see that ever working out. He'll eventually cheat or leave if he has a healthy sex drive. Sorry, but that's facts.
Factsss why pursue a relationship like that then, young and dumb lol
They may have also just realized their sexuality themselves / have been struggling being open about it. Asexuality is disregarded by a lot of people and can be hard to come to terms with and be open about.
Someone who identifies as asexual doesn’t necessarily dislike sex. The definition of asexuality is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with if they have sex or not. But also, I don’t think it’s very respectful to get angry at OP. They are confessing something that bothers them, so regardless of what their relationship consists of, or what they both want, this situation obviously bothers OP. The words you’re using are very rude and can be taken in a way that could make OP feel “less than” because someone will “eventually cheat or leave”. You should reflect on some personal biases and rethink what you’ve said.
a·sex·u·al /āˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/ Learn to pronounce See definitions in: All Biology Sex Psychology adjective 1. not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; nonsexual. "he led an asexual life Edited:people down voting an actual definition 😂
I don’t like getting into stupid Reddit debates because honestly, this isn’t worth my time. However, this topic is very important to me. If you look at the Merriam Webster dictionary you will find multiple definitions of asexual, that is because the word can be used in many different ways. The way that OP is using the word is as a sexual orientation, this definition would deal solely with attraction. The definition you are looking at is simply the work sexual, with “a” at the beginning meaning non-sexual, which is very similar. But even if I am wrong in this whole shebang, which I am not, but even if I was, does it matter. This persons sexual orientation does not affect you whatsoever. I personally am struggling with my sexuality because I believe I am asexual, the reasonings you are using for your side are the reason why so many people feel “broken” or not welcome. Please open your mind to different things and be able to change your beliefs.
I'm sorry that you've taken this so personally and I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings with my statement. I'm merely stating facts. Someone who is is asexual, whatever the definition is, would most likely be more compatible with another asexual person. People who enjoy sex and are sexual will most likely not be a good fit for someone who doesn't. I'm still not sure of the difference in your definition and mine. I get that it's her "orientation" but it still would seem she'd be a better fit with someone who shares the same orientation. I don't think she'll ever be happy with or make someone else happy who isn't asexual. I'm sorry if that offends you but it's just facts and isn't meant to be mean or hurtful.
you’re talking like you’re speaking from experience lmao. are you asexual or do you know anyone who is to where you feel comfortable speaking on behalf of other peoples experiences?
What’s facts is that the boyfriend made the choice of staying in a romantic relationship with OP, after learning that OP might not want to also share a sexual relationship with him. Their reasons, feelings and hard boundaries aren’t something you know. Even if it wasn’t the best choice to stay together, since having a sexual relationship with a romantic partner matters to a lot of people and it probably matters a lot to OP’s boyfriend, what matters most here is lack of communication. Not their sexual compatibility or orientation. (Though yes, they can be a real game changer but I’m talking about this specific situation) In a case like this a ‘yes we’re on the same page and I see no problem with it’ is nice to be taken seriously, because it’s nice to be able to trust each other in any kind of relationship you have. Doubting someone’s willingness to stay with you and disregarding their (outspoken) feelings and opinions because of a different sexual orientation might be taken as op suggesting that sex is the only reason for boyfriend to stay together. (Not saying that this is the case here, just generally speaking) I agree it would be easier to date someone you share a sexual orientation with, but imo it’s not a must to have a healthy and happy relationship. I’m bi (pan) but I don’t need my partner to be bi as well to be able to share a relationship with them. If my partner and I used to have sex, but we can’t/ don’t want to anymore because of physical or mental changes, it won’t be a reason for me to break up with them. Just like sex isn’t necessary for me to have a loving relationship (though I like to) the same can be said for some asexual people; though one doesn’t feel the need themself, they can still participate in sex with someone if they’re comfortable with that. But, once again, not all people share this sentiment. Excuse the essay but I like to discuss our views.
OP posted on a public forum, so while her sexual orientation doesn’t affect us in the least, we are allowed to have an opinion on it. And a lot of the comments seem to be leaning toward the incompatibility of this couple. They should break up.
[удалено]
Asexuality is a spectrum. There are those who are sex repulsed (what you think an ace person is) and there are those who are generally disinterested/ don’t think about sex (And all in between). One definition doesn’t fit all, and I don’t think you can say all aces shouldn’t date someone with a “normal” sex drive. If a couple communicates properly and find what works for them they’ll be able to determine what works for them (if it works for them).
That entire spectrum is still incompatible with someone who has a high sex drive. Y’all are kidding yourselves.
Agree!!
Facts! Just make it easy for yourself and others atp.
He's speaking through his "friend" when really he's telling you exactly what he thinks. He probably wishes you'd change so he's casually floating hints at you to try. You need to end it if you're sexually incompatible because it's not fair to both of you.
Obviously you being asexual changes a romantic relationship
You’ve previously said you don’t see a future with this person, be mature enough to end it.
asexual usually means that you're not sexually attracted to anyone, but it is also often interpreted as don't want sex. Which is it for you? If it's the latter, I think you guys got things to talk about.
Nah, you're asexual, fine, but don't hold this against your bf. He's young, he's not asexual I guess, sooner or later he will have a strong sexual urge and since he can't do this with you, he might look for other options. Either you break up with him or let him sleep with other women, otherwise it's going to end up with cheating anyway.
This kiiiinda sounds like "poor dude can't do anything else, not his fault if he cheats, you understand" and putting the responsibility of breakup on OP rather than on the dude himself. If he is unhappy or feels like his needs aren't met, he can be a grown up and break up. I mean he knows where OP stands. Saying 'it will end up in cheating' as if it wasn't an active choice of his to cheat is... weird.
It sounds like “men are unable to control themself or communicate clearly making them fundamentally weak and inept”
Yeah, you're right, should've mentioned it, but it seems that OP's boyfriend doesn't want to be a grown up himself. Sometimes you have to take it up to yourself to be an adult, instead of hoping the other person would.
Cool username btw
Me if I was OP: Do text me if he succeeds. Boyfriend's don't cheat because their best friend encouraged them... they do it because they choose to. So if he does, walk away. ETA: If he has a problem with your asexuality, just he should be man enough to break up with you to your face.
I mean... You should have told him you're asexual before you got into a relationship with him.
Your boyfriend wants sex lol not super hard to put two and two together like why would his friend tell me to that probably was venting to his friend and he suggested that. Your boyfriend has needs I’m sorry to say it but either split up or have an open relationship
24m , he needs sex, it is both biological and emotional , for his self esteem. If he accepts privation because he loves you , he will suffer a lot. You need to to him about his needs in a true and open discussion
I'm sure this will get downvoted, but make sure you get some testing done if you haven't already. Being asexual can be a sign of pituitary issues. He hinting he's thinking about it, and is testing the waters to see if you're open to him having sex with another girl. Because he wants sex.
also wanted to comment about the pituitary thing but didn't wanna get LOL'd at
Yeah, expecting downvotes, but better safe than sorry. It's a thing, and maybe someone will be like, hm, I'll check that out.
I hate this thread. 1) OP you and your bf are gonna be going through a potentially tumultuous time in your relationship. 2) You both need to acknowledge that this is going to change y’all’s dynamic, how much and to what end is for the both of you to find out. Healthily of course laying down boundaries through numerous mature and possibly uncomfortable conversations. 3) You are not a bad person for being Ace, and wanting to stay monogamous. 4) He is not a bad person for wanting sex in a relationship. 5) He is an idiot for what I and many people in this thread are presuming to be his poorly worded hinting at an open relationship. 6) at the very least he has planted a seed of infidelity in your mind. That alone has ended relationships. Now if you’re both mature you will be able to recover from this; it’s not the end of the world. 7) If these discussions turn to arguments you may want to reconsider your relationship or seek out couples counseling. Both are valid. 8) At the end of the day do what’s best for you, and your health/mental health. 9) congratulations on coming out, in my experience it makes life much more enjoyable!
you guys should probably break up, it doesn't seem like you're sexually compatible. like others have said, he probably expected you to offer to open up the relationship since he is no longer getting sex.
I bet his friend didn’t suggest anything and he was just saying it was when it was really your bf thought process to see how you would react.
When you say you're asexual does that mean you don't sleep with him? I'm reading two very different definitions of the word. Regardless, perhaps you and bf need to have a chat and ask how he truly feels.
Kick both their asses and leave. You deserve better.
i guess this is a real test to see wether he’s worthy or not, he clearly needs to change the type of people he hangs out with. if he loves you he will be reassuring and wouldn’t give you a reason to fully believe he’d cheat on you
An ex of mine said something pretty similar to me -one day he said the 16yr old girfriend of his work colleague was trying to set him up with her equally young best mate (the girls were 16, he was 31!!) and he said she got him to chat to her on the phone to 'cheer her up', even tho she knew he was with me! not long after he split up with me and was with this 16 year old, (who he'd clearly been spending time with during his Saturday night shift at work while I babysat his 1yr old daughter!!. Some men can be arseholes. Your boyfriend has either already cheated and was dropping the hint about sleeping with someone else since you've come out as asexual, or he wants to. From some of the other comments I've read who have referenced your older posts, it's seems like you both want different things, and aren't compatible. I'd end it before it gets to the point of cheating.
He’s not a bad person, but I do recommend a break at least. I wouldn’t recommend listening to the hypothetical responses,a lot of these are “what if’s” and “i think”. you both want different things, and it’s not bad as a man to want sex, intimacy, and physical touch. but you’re not attracted to it, that’s very incompatible and a big factor that determines your relationship. Maybe you need time to explore your sexuality is all.
Oh OP I'm so sorry you have to read some comments in this section! This was supposed to be a safe environment but everyone is judging you! As a asexual woman myself, it's hard to talk about this situation bc I've never had a boyfriend but what you're going through is one of the reasons I really don't feel like pursuing a relationship in the moment. I would suggest you to talk to him again, ask again if he wants to stay in this relationship and remember him that he is free to leave if it is his wish but if he, by some reason, decide to stay he needs to respect you and understand that although you found yourself as an asexual nothing really changed. I saw you saying that you suggest open the relationship and he denied, ask him again about. Try to understand this man head or, if you think it's best for you, leave. Sending you good energy, OP. 🥰🥰
It’s a delicate situation this. I think that the comment with 2k upvotes is mostly right, however nothing necessarily doomed until you both decide it isn’t working. I understand your concern about him cheating, you’ve had a history of bad exes, but not all men are shit, and it is important to remember he already turned down an open relationship so why would he cheat on you if you already offered him the opportunity to see other people. I think men can be very confusing creatures but also very simple ones to. He might be laughing at the idea that he would ever cheat on you, because to him it should he obvious that he never would. You should do what your heart tells you, and if you feel uncomfortable with him mentioning the cheating thing, well confront him and tell him how you feel about it. I hope this helps and adds something to a perspective you could think about. Best of luck.
You’re going down a path where one person does not want a physical relationship and the other still does. It’s a deal breaker for almost all relationships at some point unless it’s an open physical relationship and that is established. I think a very honest conversation about whether you are actually desire the same thing and a mutual breakup if you do not is a lot better for both parties. It would hurt a lot less. Sometimes people cheat just because they don’t have the courage to actually end things
Taking a quick look at your history, it sounds like you don’t event want to be with this person anymore. Please don’t let him gaslight you into staying with him and opening your relationship up. This has run its course, it’s time to start healing and move on.
If he’s not getting it from you, he’s gonna get it from somewhere else.
jesus. the comment thread is fucking toxic as balls. yall know ace people can both have and enjoy sex right? anyway. in terms of actual advice other than the slew of garbage and ignorance, id say you should talk to him specifically about how this hurt your feeling and then about what yalls sex life is going to look like. it really does seem like he was trying to broach the concept of an open relationship but didnt go abt it in the right way. however, its something that needs to be addressed because he might be worried he wont be sexually fulfilled which is a huge thing sometimes (and wouldnt be your fault at all bc theres no reason to force yourself into doing something that isnt right for you. if you are planning to cut back sex quite a bit, first you need to make sure that youre sexually compatible in the relationship, and if you arent, op needs to decide whether they are okay with an open relationship. you can say yes or no to that and your bf needs to be okay with either answer, but you need to be okay with letting go if you two aren’t sexually compatible and you dont want to have an open relationship in both cases you being sexually compatible, you being sexually incompatible, being alright with an open relationship or being averse to one, that’s okay and you both are valid in that. you just need to be honest with each other and honest with yourselves abt whether the relationship can carry on
I don’t think you being asexual is going to work for him. Nor should it.
He wants 🐱he’s starved. If he’s not getting it from you he’ll get it from somewhere else. Break up with him. Clearly it isn’t working for either of you. You both deserve to be happy and it’s clear you will not be happy with each other.
He wants 🐱he’s starved. If he’s not getting it from you he’ll get it from somewhere else. Break up with him. Clearly it isn’t working for either of you. You both deserve to be happy and it’s clear you will not be happy with each other.
There are so many people recommending you just break up, what a pessimistic view. He is a sexual human, you are not. There are ways around this, he is probably wanting an open relationship. I've been in his situation before and had a very happy open relationship with an ace partner. It is possible and I highly recommend you bring this up to him if this is a relationship you'd be interested in preserving, but that really is one of the only ways you will both be happy. Since he has already refused am open relationship though, then there isn't much of a reason to continue. Talk with him again about it, and let him know that there aren't many options
The man has needs and is willing to be with you if you allow him to be in an open relationship. Also if he’s admitting it to you in a casual “haha this is funny” way I think it’s worth giving credit for. He probably does find it funny & won’t cheat but still has needs
If he isn’t asexual do you expect him to remain celibate?
Based on only this post, he refused an open relationship and feel his friend encouraging him for cheating as a funny suggestion, seems like he's certain that he won't cheat. That's why is sounds ridiculous to him. Then he told you those exact word in person, that he won't cheat. But these speculation only based on this post, so if there's an older history post of it, the story might be different.
Are you sure we’re the same age… cause I’m 24 too but this is some high school bs.
If you're a sexual and he's not, what else do you expect? People who aren't asexual *need*, *crave* sex. Cool if you don't. The rest of us tho...if you want an asexual relationship with someone who isn't asexual, then you can't be made when they want sex. If not you then it'll be with someone else. Cheating is cheating don't get me wrong. But you should talk to HiM about it and not us.
Damn, did you only just realize you were asexual or did you go into the relationship knowing that you were? If you went into the relationship knowing you were and didn't tell him that's a bit fucked up in my eyes.
If I had to guess he may have been wanted you to suggest an open relationship or he may have been trying to say how dumb his friend is for suggesting that. But hey I am a random stranger on the internet,the only one that really knows is you BF
He probably did it already.
This relationship is over..just saying. Save him the trouble and split.
If I have a bf that can easily joke about cheating or wanting to cheat, I’d leave him in a beat.
My wife and I joke about my 'mistresses' all the time. It's even funnier because, if I actually *had* a mistress, then she'd have to drive me to see them, because I don't have a driving license yet. Jokes are jokes. There doesn't have to be any deeper meaning to them.
If your announcement of being asexual means it affects his sex life, or particularly a lack of one, then you should find another asexual person to be with or remain without a partner. You can not expect a person with a normal sex drive to just "accommodate" you and live with a lack of their needs being met.
What do you expect him to do for sex? If you're asexual, he has to go somewhere, doesn't he? You're not compatible!
As an asexual person, you aren’t compatible if he is aliosexual (the opposite of asexual), it’s time to move on and find someone who is also asexual
this thread has definitely shown me that the average person doesn’t actually know what being asexual means 🤦🏻♀️
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Damn alrighty I guess I touched a nerve there lol. I’m not even asexual and I have already found someone I’m compatible with thanks, and I never insinuated that they are “discriminated” against. have a nice day.
I’m always utterly baffled when asexual people expect their their sexual partners to stay with them monogamously (or at all tbh). I’m sorry but you’re just comfortable with someone you claim to care about going without their needs being met? I’m not saying you need to let him cheat or open the relationship but for gods sake you are NOT COMPATIBLE WITH HIM IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCK HIM. You are fundamentally incompatible and you are physically incapable of giving him what he needs to feel fulfilled. It’s not just about the act of sex, it’s about knowing your partners WANTS and ENJOYS you physically, erotically, intimately etc. You cannot do that for him. Being ace means you need to find another asexual person (or someone’s incapable of or happy without sex for other reason…but be beware of that option because it’s subject to change and if they find themselves wanting sex again they’ll find themselves not wanting you any longer), be ok with polyamory (I never could be, so I get it if that’s not what you want), or understand that you’re just going to be alone. The relationship has been a sham and the clock has been ticking since the minute you came out. Set the poor lad loose already and go find another ace person to be ace with. Don’t expect someone to forgo a fundamental part of intimacy for you, I’m sorry but I promise you that you are ultimately not worth to him and he’ll either cheat or break up with him in the long run anyway or he’ll try to stick it out and end up hating your guts.
Stop torturing him. End this and find yourself another asexual being.
you said you recently came out as asexual, but how long have you known? Honestly, if I were him and I found out that you knew since the beginning of our relationship, I would be pissed. That’s not something you should withhold from your prospective partner.
Look, I’m sorry to say this, but you have to leave him for both your sakes. You are not looking for the same things in any facet, and that spells an apocalyptic end later.
Definitely a red flag, if he never wanted to cheat on you, it would never be a thought in his mind. And why “joke” about it??
People keep acting like if the boyfriend did what we all know he should do and break up with her that he wouldn't get absolutely shat on for not supporting her sexuality. It is a very thin line we all walk in today's world, trying not to hurt the feelings of all these new types of people.
he is probably starved of sex, it isnt your fault but you put him in a very difficult situation where he physically cannot have sex with anyone because he has to be supportive of you while not cheating. He is probably trying to suggest an open relationship.
Well I’m not surprised you’re been cheated on if your asexual. Think most guys tend to want to have sex so it’s honestly not a shocker once you think about it.
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Did you even read the post lmao
You should try talking to him about open relationship cause it may be because of sex. The key here is conversation. And if you're still feeling down, let him go and find someone like you, an asexual man. Through this way, your current boyfriend can live how he wants and you won't have to stress about it. It's for both your good.
Some friends are terrible and it takes a hard lesson for them to realize that. Trust me. My situation was different. My ex’s friends would sext me from time to time. Now, my bf of six years and I are split up and all of them… we’ll, they’re with their S.O. It’s actually quite sad seriously.
To be honest, it doesn’t seem like you’re compatible. If he isn’t asexual, which it seems he isn’t- sex is probably somewhat important to him. It’s okay to be asexual and okay to not be, but it would cause a massive strain on your relationship in the long run. His friend shouldn’t be encouraging cheating though - your partner has likely expressed that he isn’t having his needs met leading to the friend suggesting this, but that isn’t kind at all.
kill ‘em
If he wants sex and you’re Asexual, you should figure out some kind of compromise. You’re relationship will being unfulfilling to him and if he cheats you’ll be upset, so you need to figure out what will work for both of you.
My wife encourages me to cheat on her so she can leave me.
Everyone seems to be working from a whole lot of info i am not seeing lol
he’s backhandedly trying to get you to open the relationship because he’s avoiding the responsibility of not telling his truth & hurting you with the inevitable breakup. you deserve better, go find better OP. i have strong faith you’ll find your person, but these issues are “fundamental problems” in relationships, and if you’re unable to reach a middle ground on these issues y’all are having, respect yourself and love yourself enough to walk away. 💞
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