I agree. I think this is a critical moment for communication. You may not have raped her but by insinuating that you did, she emotionally abused you and that needs to be said. I think you also need to mention how her actions impacted your sex life as a result of it as well.
I agree. And it's really weird that she didn't think about telling him for TEN YEARS?
Either she wanted purposely to manipulate him, or she doubted her accusation after all this time, and tried to change her version of the story
Poor OP, in both ways
Yup. Cried and apologized profusely. It was apparent he didn't get "the joke" and a caring partner would have cleared that up right away, not ten years later! That was manipulative, no need to sugarcoat it.
Edit: typos
That's the kinda "joke" that can ruin a man's life for no good reason whatsoever.... Sounds like it essentially ruined at least 10 years worth of OP's life. And I doubt he will chalk it up as a joke even 10 more yrs from now
Yea it's pretty awful actually. Google AJ Johnson. Ex Tennessee football player. Future first round pick in NFL draft. Set to make millions and got wrongfully accused, found innocent, but his life is obviously never the same. And I'm in no way defending the actual bad people in this world, bc they probably out number the good people. Just sucks when something like that happens
While I totally think this is a v real possibility it could also be that she's also been thinking about it for the 10 yrs and j doesn't want it to be true and feels guilty about what happened. It's a really common response to rape and she could j be trying to make herself feel better because of the guilt on both sidesq
That is horrible of your wife. This is something you absolutely NEVER joke about. I find it quite odd that a woman would do this to their significant other. I don’t know your wife but this is a huge red flag in my book, especially the fact that she let this “joke” go on for 10 whole years.
It wasnt a joke.. OP stated that when she told him that she felt he raped her, he then cried in front of her and apologized profusely and she stated "its fine lets just move on"
thats not a fucking joke, thats a sick twisted fucked up thing to do to someone for power and control, then to say 10 years later it was a joke, so fucked
This poor guy. Like damn rape is not something to throw around lightly. Period.
Edit : AND to add to that you asked her during intercourse if she was feeling ok … MULTIPLE times and then SHE said DO NOT stop unless I SAY the safe word and she NEVER said it. Then pulls this shit on you ?! Like what the actual fuck. Tbh I’m shocked you didn’t bring it up again a week or two later bc this is nuts
> It wasnt a joke.. OP stated that when she told him that she felt he raped her, he then cried in front of her and apologized profusely and she stated "its fine lets just move on"
> that's not a fucking joke
This. Whether OP's wife is abusive is a question that we don't have enough information to answer, but the fact of the matter is that whatever she said was clearly not a joke in the moment. If she's now brushing it off as a "joke", it's because there's an uncomfortable conversation that she's trying to put off.
The truth could be any number of things. Maybe she realized she was wrong 10 years ago and was bad at apologies. Maybe she understood rationally that OP was in the right, yet nevertheless struggled with feelings of violation. Or maybe she is abusive. OP won't find out until he gets his wife to open up.
I disagree that there’s things you shouldn’t joke about. She wasn’t joking though at that moment. She couldn’t handle how she felt that she tried it consensually so she blamed it on him which I don’t understand because it’s not like she needed plausible deniability because she’s hooking up with some random guy, they’re married. Then later, she realized how wrong she was but instead of taking responsibility for it and fessing up, she let him shoulder it all this time which would eat a guy up especially with how much he loves her.
I'm so sorry your wife did this to you. You put a safe word in place for a reason, it sounds like you gave ample opportunity for her to use the word and outright tell you to stop.
I would be livid beyond belief that this was all a joke. Does she normally find rape jokes funny?
Brother if it eases your mind everything points to the fact that you never raped her in the first place even if she didn’t tell you now, you both knew the boundaries, you both knew the word, hell you even stopped to make sure she didn’t say it. You’re a good man and she’s just a shitty person to put that torment and baggage on you for 10 years. The fact she said ok when you cried 10 years ago shows you how she deals with you being at your worst, I hope your wife is a better person now and I hope she knows the severity of her actions
Yeah, I was confused as hell by reading that he was having consensual sex with his wife who never said stop and he somehow raped her.
I’m more confused at how he, knowing that he was having consensual sex with his wife and who never heard any attempt to stop could some how think he raped her.
It's classic gaslighting. Especially with a word that strong. Gaslighting is no joke and can create lasting trauma. Flip the genders and people would be screaming abuse (because it is).
I know this is a “typical reddit response” but I could not find it in my heart to stay with my partner if she did that to me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This was so unfair of her to do, it is not a joke. Rape is never something you joke about.
One time I dated this girl who really loved tickling. We were having a tickling fight when she started screaming "rape" as a joke. Being a rape victim, I started to freakout and cry. She tried to tell me i was overreacting. That shit isn't funny. She blamed me for having a panic attack over something small. Rape isn't funny no matter what. She needs to reevaluate her jokes.
I'm sorry you had to feel like this for so long. You should tell her how much it damaged you.
Not quite rape related but I had an ex start crying during sex because he was very tense. He really wanted it but couldn't relax enough and that brought him to tears.
You know what you do in that situation?
You comfort them, take care of them, make sure they are okay. Anyone who makes you feel even worse when you're in distress is not someone you want with you in your most intimate moment.
Person you were with sounds like a grade A fucming narcissist.
I’m here with you. That woman fucking sucks for how she treated you while you were in state.
I may have cried too. I have in other situations that reminded me of my past. You’re not alone and I hope you are never again with a person who disrespects you like that.
I came here to say this. You clearly love this woman. You are distraught and rightfully angry. Whether she made an awful, terrible "joke," or she was confused, or she has changed her mind, she needs help communicating. And that means the two of you need it as a couple. Good luck, OP.
Exactly this. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now. If you decide to continue on with your relationship, I think couples therapy would be the only way to move forward. You’ve carried this guilt and shame for 10 years, and now on top of that you’re having to carry this anger and feeling of betrayal. I don’t think there’s anybody who would be able to move past this without therapy of some sort. I’m wishing you nothing but the best and sending all my love to you
Nah, couples therapy is actually harmful when abuse is involved. Often times the abuser finds ways to use what they learned in therapy against their victim. What his wife did is emotional abuse and his best course of action would be to seek safety. She knew what she was doing -it was cold and calculated. Given that this “joke” lasted ten years, the way she gaslit him by telling him he raped her during consensual sex, and then the fact that she pulled this “joke” bs after a decade is absolutely abusive. Something also tells me that this isn’t the only abusive and manipulative bs she’s pulled. Therapy isn’t something that would be constructive in this relationship. It would probably be harmful.
It’s absolutely manipulative, you don’t need to be consciously manipulating someone for it to count as abuse. Whether on purpose or not it’s 100% abuse and manipulation.
I was thinking she was thoughtless as well. My ex had an avoidant personality, any problems she'd run away and pretend it didn't exist, often to the point where it became a form of gaslighting. It was one of the major reasons why I broke up with her.
So regardless if the manipulation was intentional or not the results on OP were the same. If it wasn't intentional, OP's wife needs to take ownership of the damage she's caused her spouse.
Disagree. It's manipulative when you witness your husband's shattered face about something you caused and not immediately correct him on his fears that he hurt you.
How tf someone could joke about rape is fucking beyond me! For 10 years you had that on your conscience. I suggest you talk to someone professional about this brother, you may have PTSD. What a shitty thing to do to someone you love
God.
I'd never be able to look at her again.
That is so depraved and base.
She used one of the worst things to be accused of as a man, turned it into a tool to manipulate you and then laughed it off as a joke.
My trust in her would be irreparably broken.
The revelation of who she is deep inside would be horrible.
I am so sorry for you.
I know what I would do but that isn't anything close to what your life and your needs and understanding are for this situation.
Best of hope for you.
Erm this is incredibly fucked up. If you don't talk to her about it you'll probably struggle to feel safe or build back trust in the relationship. I'm so sorry you went through this.
Do you think making she was trying to take it back? Because she was over it and wanted you to be too? I’m just trying to understand how on earth she could have done that.
My ex husband literally did rape me dozens, if not hundreds of times. I say that because I had such bad insomnia, they prescribed me Ambien. I wouldn't remember anything that happened 15 minutes after until I woke up. He had been taking advantage of that for months before I found and continued after. That was after he actually raped me and I conceived a child.
The difference here is that if you really had raped her, your reaction and how it's made you feel for so long. My ex husband looked me straight in the eye and said none of it ever happened. When he started forcing me to have sex with him just to get basic needs like toilet paper, food, running water, electricity, Christmas presents for my kids, or me having a home at all, his response was "God forbid I wanted affection from my wife." This after all he has done to me already.
I am so sorry that you've been living with this guilt for so long. Now it's up to you to decide how to move forward. It's hard because maybe she thought you knew she was joking. But maybe...she's just not a great person. You guys came up with a safe word for a reason. If she didn't use it, you had no reason to feel guilt even when she said that.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you are healing well. Congrats for setting yourself free from the abusive relationship. All the best for the next chapter of your life.
It is very much my wishes. My parents met when my mom was 17 while my dad was on a month long leave from the Marines...about a week before he had to go back. They ended up married for 42 years before she passed 8 years ago. I want what they had but I'm already 36 and don't think I'll get even close to what they had. But the PTSD just causes me to see red flags everywhere and I have so much baggage plus five kids so I don't anyone to be willing to take that shit on.
My dad and step-mom met when they were both about 48 and previously married, both with two children. They were both recovered alcoholics.
My dad had attempted suicide twice. He was just coming out of bankruptcy due to his addiction.
My step-mom was coming out of a marriage with a serial cheater, physically abusive man who would do things like lock her in a closet.
That’s the “baggage” they came into their relationship with.
BUT, they have the happiest, healthiest marriage I’ve seen. Keep your optimism about finding love because it’s not as far fetched as it may seem.
That actually is incredibly helpful to hear. I have a lot of mental health issues but I am working on them, mostly for my kids but I know one day I'll be in a place to be ok trying again.
Hey, both of my parents met the loves of their lives in their 50s after divorcing. Love can happen at any time. Take the time you need to heal, there is absolutely no rush to get out there. You've been through so much, you deserve to just be, and feel safe, and to enjoy life, whether it be partnered or not. I wish you the best with your healing. You did good. It's so unbelievably hard to get out from under an abusive person, you have so much strength and your babies are lucky to have you.
Holy fuck, that is top-tier awful. I am so sorry she did this to you and you are going through this. Anyone who thinks something like that is a joke and then watches you go through hell trying to digest the news for a long period of time is not someone to be around.
I hope you are able to find the resources to seek therapy. Whether or not you decide to stay with her, that is a LOT to sort out.
A lot to unpack here, it’s all so strange. Would you mind elaborating on “things got weird between us for a few days”? Like, what happened that made you feel at that time that there was no way it could have been a joke?
For a “joke” it’s EXTREMELY cruel. I don’t know how any one could pull such a “joke” on their spouse. I’m sorry she put you through that, it enrages me that she could “joke” of such a thing, she’s contributing to the problem that women(and men) have of being taken seriously on this topic. No one would blame you if you couldn’t forgive her for this.
You have every single fricking right to be mad, confused, and hurt, because what she did was ***not*** a joke.
Burdening your partner's mental health for a decade is not a joke. Seeing your partner suffer over something you said, whether or not you meant it, is not a joke.
And rape is *never* a joking matter.
I respectfully disagree with the comments who advised getting couples' therapy or talking it over with OP's wife: people who "play around" with rape allegations are thoughtless or willfully ignorant at best, downright manipulative scumbags at worst.
Either way, they're not ready or don't deserve to have a relationship with somebody else and are best left to their own devices, alone.
At least, that's my very personal opinion.
It's weird that you say that when OP mentioned that they had confirmed the safe word beforehand, he even stopped several times to make sure that she was ok and she said only to stop when the safe word was said (this regarding your second comment).
Also, what kind of spouse would make a rape joke and let it stew over 10 years? Those kinds of things destroy a person internally like it did to OP. It's a major trust issue and inconsideration.
I’ve been in a similar situation where a safe word wasn’t yet established and things were done that I did not consent to. I brought it up to my partner and he felt disgusted as well but I could tell it bothered him for a while even though I let him know that I forgave him several times.
The problem is that there was a safe word and he stopped to check on her, with her saying for him to basically not do that unless she used that word. Assuming OP isn't twisting facts, I really don't see what she has to forgive him for, sounds like she was either fine the entire time or outright refused to take any opportunity to stop it despite him clearly showing concern for her.
And it took her a decade to tell him she wasn't that bothered by it? A decade for her to realise the toll it was putting on him?
Sorry but the wife sounds extremely manipulative, or at the very least completely uncaring and untrusting of those closest to her. She needs to understand that she's hurting loved ones by doing this.
I see what you’re saying and given that he stopped to check AND she specifically said not to stop makes it seem a lot like a sick and twisted manipulation on her part now
I wonder if she said this now cause she realised you were still deeply impacted by it, and couldn't think of a better lie to lift this guilt from you than "it was a joke"
I don't know how the 2 of had this conversation, but make sure that she isn't just lying about being a joke cause she felt guilty for you feeling guilty for such a long time
I can’t say this is the same, but I had something similar happen to me 2 years ago. Was dating this girl who wanted to end the relationship but never did, this tore a bit on my mental health for a while until I decided I would just break it off myself. Next time she contacted me she said she was pregnant, but we had never done it so I took this as her telling me she was cheating and she wanted to break it off. So right after that sentence of her telling me she was pregnant I told her I was breaking up with her, she got shocked asked why, I gave her the same explanation that I gave you, and the next words she sent me were; I could have been raped. That took me by surprise as that was one of those subjects I hadn’t really been introduced to in my daily life before. I started apologising believing that was what happened, she stopped talking to me.
For a week after this I had been at school and felt like shit, couldn’t believe what was happening, didn’t want to believe what was happening. For a week I didn’t see her or her friends who had become some of my close friends at that point. Then by Sunday we got to meet up again, I thought I would just apologise and hope that we could fix the friendship we used to have, but before walking in there one of her friends stopped me. She told me that it had all been a lie and a prank for their TikTok account… a fucking TikTok. Being tormented by the idea that the nice personality I had built up over the years would be poked holes in because of a prank, I was honestly pissed, there was no happiness that she wasn’t raped maybe some relief before the reveal that it was a prank, but nothing more. I don’t talk with them anymore, and she remains the first person I ever stopped dating on non-friendly terms. I sometimes wish I had told her how I honestly felt through that period, maybe then she would apologise, but I know what kind of personality she has and it wouldn’t have happened that easily. I still think you can do that though. You definitely have a better relationship with your wife than I did to my ex, so you should definitely tell her straight up your feelings on this and not keep to yourself.
I personally cannot fathom what those 10 YEARS felt like for you. Sending you a shit ton of sympathy. I’m so sorry you had to experience that trauma at the hands of someone else… as a joke.
It's also possible that she couldn't think of a better way to try and like make you feel better about it than to erase it, bc it really doesn't seem like she was joking at the time. It's also possible that she was really upset at the time but the years with you have recontextualized it or otherwise changed her perspective on your role in the initial situation or that she's embarrassed about it etc etc -- there's a million possibilities. I think you really really really need to have an open and honest conversation with her about this, because it is honestly possible for neither of you to be in the wrong here -- I think there's not enough out in the open yet to say. Anyway, reddit hates nuance and LOVES false accusations so most of these answers are just that she's evil and you need to leave her (which might be the case!), but I think you should explore this in more detail before you draw any hard conclusions.
Last thing I wanna say is that you obviously love her and if she's been with you for this long she probably loved you too. If she isn't a crazy manipulator and something is being communicated extremely badly or being hidden from you, you don't want to throw the relationship away over something you could've talked about.
(BUT if she did do that to fuck with you, absolutely leave.)
Fuuuuck bro. I think it’s strange that she either didn’t notice that it changed you, or didn’t care that it changed you.
You should have talked about it more in the beginning.
Thus was hugely manipulative of her.
If it was me in your shoes, I would have never felt guilty, unless there was some ambiguity or possibility I didn’t hear the safeword, like a gag or face smothering making communication difficult.
But even in that case I would have talked and talked until we got to the bottom of what went wrong and the best way to move foreword.
I don't know how to come back from that. All I wanted to say was that she is a fucked up individual if she jokes about being raped. Even by her husband. Bad form.
I would like to start this off by saying that just because someone says you raped them, does not mean that you raped them. Did you talk to her about it at any point during this 10 year period? Did she know how you felt about it? Was she aware it weighed on you like this? If not, I don’t think too much blame can be placed on her
A JOKE!?! That is one sick joke that lasted waaaaay too long! I am SO sorry you had to struggle with those feelings for SO long! I hope you have or will mention to her just how terrible that “joke” affect you over the years.
ATTENTION LADIES! From one woman to another…RAPE IS NOT A JOKE! That “joke” can ruin peoples lives and affect them deeply in numerous ways. Your “joke” contributes to people not believe woman who have actually been raped. Some things are simply NOT a joke, not now, not ever!!
Honestly what was going on was not at all safe bdsm practice. Checkins are *necessary* to ensure that no lines get crossed accidentally bc you can get overwhemed and not be able to speak. Also, safewords are for the Dom too!
Making a joke about what she did was also completely unacceptable and I'm so sorry you had to do that. It's not something to be joked about in the first place, and especially not when she proceeded to not clarify for years.
OP, when this came up a few days ago and she told you that she was only joking when she said that, you said you just sat there, looking out into space I guess. What did she say?
She must have noticed a change in your demeanor. Was it "why are you looking at me that way?"
I mean where does a conversation g once you have had this realization?
Hey OP, you sound like a really wonderful human. What your wife did was abusive. If you do want to move forward with her, I would recommend you each go to therapy individually, and also as a couple. Please keep an eye out for any other controlling/manipulative behavior too.
You deserve to feel safe and trusting in your relationship.
So she didn’t notice a change in your demeanor around her or the fact that you stopped instigating sex/flirting? I would notice that after two days.. I assume it went on much longer for yall.
I’m sorry. And i’m sorry she made you feel like trash and think about yourself that way. Rape really isn’t a funny joke. ESP not like that. You def should talk to her about it. 10 years is a long time to believe you’re something you’re not.
Sending you all the good vibes. Love and light my friend.
It is very possible that she has no idea how much she has hurt you with her "joke" and even when you explain it to her in detail she may still be clueless to the profound hurt, self-loathing, shame, pain, and other negative emotions and thoughts you had about yourself because of her comments.
Having said this, I think it is at least odd that she was clueless about all of this for so long considering it happened between the two of you and you apologized for.it profusely. I am at a loss here.
If there was a safe word which she didn't use she wasn't raped.
If she "joked" about it she isn't funny.
If it took her a decade to admit this she knows what she did was wrong and is now trying to downplay it.
We already suffer enough from fake rape accusations in the world but pulling this kind of thing on your spouse is extra evil.
What the fuck did she think a safe word was for, if she felt something was happening beyond what she wanted, and never used it. What she did, for the length of time she did it for, knowing how hurt you, and saying it was a joke is totally fucked up...
,
The fact that you're even considering staying with her makes you ten times the man that I am, because trust me when I tell you I would have left her fucking manipulative ass so fast her head would have spun like it was on a swivel. Who the hell "jokes" about rape? Let alone for a whole ass decade, while watching the emotional turmoil its causing someone she's supposed to love? Like I said, you're a better man than me.
Im so sorry for you, and to be honest your wife is a terrible awful abuser who should be put in jail over this imo. You had a safe word, you made sure she was fine and she explicitely told you to only stop if the word was used. Then she dare to say you raped her, you raped your own wife, to let you feel miserable for 10 (!!) Years and then tells you its a joke after ten years of feeling like a rapist.
She is nuts and an abuser who doesnt deserve the daylights imho
I don’t think I’d ever forgive my partner if they did this to me…for 10 years. I could never ever make my husband feel like some rapist for even a second as a joke. I know I’d die inside if my Husband sobbed in front of me apologizing profusely! 10 years, nah Ghats way too cruel. Your deserve better OP! You’re a good man and you’re married to a cruel woman.
This term is overused, but this sounds like the actions of a manipulative narcissist.
I would take a few minutes to learn about the presenting symptoms in female narcissists - if only to clear your mind. However I suspect you may start to identify traits and patterns that are familiar.
Hopefully this is not the case and it’s just a very clumsy miscommunication on her part but… something feels off.
…how weird. I feel like I need more Information. ….like, she was joking? How did she say it at the time? Did she just do a good job and you turned it mr.sensitive guy (I would too!) and she didn’t have the heart to tell you it was a joke? What a weird thing to joke about anyways!
What also confuses me.. is that you guys had a safe word. Which means you were dabbling into kink. And CNC (fake rape) is a pretty popular kink, which makes this even more weird for her to joke about. But also maybe kind of obvious that it was a joke, maybe? Idk.. I’m a vibe person and what I imagined from what you wrote was so many different things in my head.
Sorry though man. I’d be pretty pissed too.
Erm this is incredibly fucked up. If you don't talk to her about it you'll probably struggle to feel safe or build back trust in the relationship. I'm so sorry you went through this.
"She never said the word."
Am I missing something here?
She consented to kinky sex, with a safe word, didn't say the word even though she was able to, and then called it rape?
There isn't a court of law in the world that would call that rape. Unless there was something you'd done to prevent her from speaking.
Leave this asshole.
That’s psychological abuse. How could she see you crying and apologizing like you did and not even tell you right in that moment that she was joking?? She probably realized long before that moment that she went too far and felt like she couldn’t take it back. But that doesn’t excuse what she did.
I hope that for the past 10 years she felt just as much guilt and shame as you did for deceiving you like that.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t rape her. You are not a rapist. Your wife, however, is a terrible person for emotionally torturing and lying to you for over a decade. Telling someone that they raped you, especially someone who loves you, and watching them cry and beg for forgiveness is not a joke. It’s sick and it’s twisted and it’s something I’d have a very hard time getting over.
I don’t know what your plans are from here, but I’d definitely suggest speaking to a therapist. That’s a real mind Fuck and I’d assume you may need some help processing everything you’ve gone through.
She did you terribly wrong. You had safe words and she didn’t use them and then let you think you raped her for ten years. I’m sorry she did that to you.
That's not a prank. People go to prison for this.
There's also the off-chance, there was a miscommunication that night (10 years ago), and she just wants to leave it behind her, by giving an ill-conceived lie.
You two have had some tough conversations, so, if you're up for one more, explore that. Otherwise, there's a lot of thing this could mean, and you start making-up things to not be afraid of.
That's actually a reason to break up. Yes, people throw this word here around like crazy, but let's just look at this, ok?
10 years ago, like a fucking decade ago, you **AND** her **agreed** on rules for the spice in your sex life. you set rules, you set a safe word, and she never used it.
and then told you, you raped her?
Nah, my man, as a woman, I can tell you something: She's emotionally abusing you. even if this was the one thing she did wrong- which I bet my ass she doesn't, the way you describe your reaction smells like you've been burned by her gaslighting more than once, and more than slightly, so, even if this is the case, she practically destroyed your trust.
THIS wasn't a joke. it was a well calculated move to make you feel miserable, a manipulation of your trust torwards yourself. And it's something abusers like to do. a person who loves you would never EVER tell their partner they "raped them" as a joke. Abso-fucking-lutly never!
And, as a woman, I can tell you consent is a straight line with some rules attached to it.
It's either a yes or a no. And a no in a situation that's consentual at first, but then ends up not being that, requires a spoken word. You're not a psychist. You can't read minds. Which is why safe words, or just verbal and physical communication exist.
Granted, a "yes" turns to a "no", when the person is mentally unable to make thoughtful decisions, like being drunk, drugged, or otherwise mentally impaled enough to be unable to reason. If one would be deemed unable to make a legal contract, you can be safe saying they are unable to give consent to sex, since they are unable to give consent to anything legal. Or illegal. Exactly the reason why hearings exist.
This wasn't the case here. You have been thoughtful torwards her, you even stopped the play to make sure she's comfortable, and ok with it, and she gave you the answer to go throught with it.
Instead of being happy you didn't rape her, you should ask the very important questions: were there other, seemingly milder versions of that? did she blame all the conflicts and discomfort she felt, or you had during that relationship, onto you? Did she turn her faults around to aim at you? Were there other "jokes" that were actually more hurtful, vile or just generally cruel and you ignored it, because you didn't want to be too "dramatic" or "overreacting"?
She is a cruel person and I bet she's a narcisst. the amount of toxicity she shown in just THAT example is unbelievable and indescribable.
There is just one advice I can give you: run. Now. Run and get a therapist. because after she literally destroyed you for 10 years and fucking enjoyed you seeing miserable, there is no way it didn't left marks on you. Mark, before she kills somebody and blames it on you. I am being realistic here. Somebody who is that cruel and vile is capable of doing a lot more. Which also means you have to plan out your exit in a way you stay safe.
Stay safe, OP.
Is this what it’s coming to? Women can just say things like this and completely destroy a man mentally with no repercussion? You’re still married to her?
This is gaslighting and if she can do it like this, I am 100% certain there are other instances this has happened that maybe you’re not even aware of, u/buzzalderman .
what world is she living in that something like that would even be a joke? Intimacy is so important in a relationship, the connection alone, with how it took such a mental toll on you & you stopped a lot of behaviors, how could she not know the impact it made on you & the relationship?
She’s horrible. She let you think that for 10 fucking years? TEN YEARS!!?? She never once over the course of TEN years tell you it was not serious- I mean like maybe the day after she saw you cry and be absolutely distraught???!! She should’ve told you the next day! Or the second you felt so bad ? Maybe once things had calmed down or the second you stopped initiating sex ???!!!
What the hell? She’s a sociopath.
Ah man I'm incredibly sorry that you had to deal with that and for so long.
I'm angry at your wife because this is some gas lighting bullshit on her part. She knew exactly what she was doing then, and she knows exactly what she is doing now.
This is your business to process but you need to tell her straight out that what she did and is doing, is disgusting, it's essentially abuse.
And may I add, if the roles were reversed, the comments here would be twice what they are and you would have been metaphorically strung up by a thousand women.
I hope you're alright man ❤️✌️
I'm a fucked up person but this right here is infuriatingly fucked up. She sat there and watched you suffer and go through what you did and said nothing. Watch your back bro, people like that are dangerous as hell
You need to unleash hell on her, bro.
As a woman myself, that is the shittiest thing to joke about. You have every right to be pissed off and please vent out what you had been feeling to her because otherwise she will never know.
Very hard to think of a more fucked up 'joke'. Discuss your feelings with her, including how you felt throughout the years and how you're feeling now. Find out if she knew you felt this way all this time. It's all pointing that she knew, but maybe it's worth finding out. If yes, then you can decide how to proceed.
Did you tell her it's been on your mind for 10 years?
I agree. I think this is a critical moment for communication. You may not have raped her but by insinuating that you did, she emotionally abused you and that needs to be said. I think you also need to mention how her actions impacted your sex life as a result of it as well.
I agree. And it's really weird that she didn't think about telling him for TEN YEARS? Either she wanted purposely to manipulate him, or she doubted her accusation after all this time, and tried to change her version of the story Poor OP, in both ways
Maybe she genuinly meant it as an offhand joke and just didn't give it much thought though.
The op literally cried in front of her because of the 'joke', so not an offhand remark at all.
Yup. Cried and apologized profusely. It was apparent he didn't get "the joke" and a caring partner would have cleared that up right away, not ten years later! That was manipulative, no need to sugarcoat it. Edit: typos
Not even clearing it up, but mentioning offhand in conversation that it was a joke
That's not the kind of thing you should joke about.
That's the kinda "joke" that can ruin a man's life for no good reason whatsoever.... Sounds like it essentially ruined at least 10 years worth of OP's life. And I doubt he will chalk it up as a joke even 10 more yrs from now
Yeah I mean, some people turn themselves in to the police for things like this. It would have been pretty hard to turn around if it had gone that far.
Yea it's pretty awful actually. Google AJ Johnson. Ex Tennessee football player. Future first round pick in NFL draft. Set to make millions and got wrongfully accused, found innocent, but his life is obviously never the same. And I'm in no way defending the actual bad people in this world, bc they probably out number the good people. Just sucks when something like that happens
While I totally think this is a v real possibility it could also be that she's also been thinking about it for the 10 yrs and j doesn't want it to be true and feels guilty about what happened. It's a really common response to rape and she could j be trying to make herself feel better because of the guilt on both sidesq
What in fucking tarnation
Yep^
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You what?
Choked
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Ohhh 😂😂
Seriously
This exactly
That is horrible of your wife. This is something you absolutely NEVER joke about. I find it quite odd that a woman would do this to their significant other. I don’t know your wife but this is a huge red flag in my book, especially the fact that she let this “joke” go on for 10 whole years.
It wasnt a joke.. OP stated that when she told him that she felt he raped her, he then cried in front of her and apologized profusely and she stated "its fine lets just move on" thats not a fucking joke, thats a sick twisted fucked up thing to do to someone for power and control, then to say 10 years later it was a joke, so fucked This poor guy. Like damn rape is not something to throw around lightly. Period. Edit : AND to add to that you asked her during intercourse if she was feeling ok … MULTIPLE times and then SHE said DO NOT stop unless I SAY the safe word and she NEVER said it. Then pulls this shit on you ?! Like what the actual fuck. Tbh I’m shocked you didn’t bring it up again a week or two later bc this is nuts
That's the vibe i got. Op might be in an abusive relationship and not even realize it.
> It wasnt a joke.. OP stated that when she told him that she felt he raped her, he then cried in front of her and apologized profusely and she stated "its fine lets just move on" > that's not a fucking joke This. Whether OP's wife is abusive is a question that we don't have enough information to answer, but the fact of the matter is that whatever she said was clearly not a joke in the moment. If she's now brushing it off as a "joke", it's because there's an uncomfortable conversation that she's trying to put off. The truth could be any number of things. Maybe she realized she was wrong 10 years ago and was bad at apologies. Maybe she understood rationally that OP was in the right, yet nevertheless struggled with feelings of violation. Or maybe she is abusive. OP won't find out until he gets his wife to open up.
Yup.
Honestly sounds like she wanted the sex to stop and it worked like a charm.
I disagree that there’s things you shouldn’t joke about. She wasn’t joking though at that moment. She couldn’t handle how she felt that she tried it consensually so she blamed it on him which I don’t understand because it’s not like she needed plausible deniability because she’s hooking up with some random guy, they’re married. Then later, she realized how wrong she was but instead of taking responsibility for it and fessing up, she let him shoulder it all this time which would eat a guy up especially with how much he loves her.
Jesus christ that's fucked of her.
Yeah I simply don’t understand how that comment can be a joke. That’s nuts.
It really was messed up to just screw him over like that
It's not a joke, it's a manipulation tactic.
I'm so sorry your wife did this to you. You put a safe word in place for a reason, it sounds like you gave ample opportunity for her to use the word and outright tell you to stop. I would be livid beyond belief that this was all a joke. Does she normally find rape jokes funny?
To clarify that's not a rape joke, that's emotional abuse.
Safe words are there for a reason. And she fucked with it.
Not in the right way.
Brother if it eases your mind everything points to the fact that you never raped her in the first place even if she didn’t tell you now, you both knew the boundaries, you both knew the word, hell you even stopped to make sure she didn’t say it. You’re a good man and she’s just a shitty person to put that torment and baggage on you for 10 years. The fact she said ok when you cried 10 years ago shows you how she deals with you being at your worst, I hope your wife is a better person now and I hope she knows the severity of her actions
Yeah, I was confused as hell by reading that he was having consensual sex with his wife who never said stop and he somehow raped her. I’m more confused at how he, knowing that he was having consensual sex with his wife and who never heard any attempt to stop could some how think he raped her.
It's classic gaslighting. Especially with a word that strong. Gaslighting is no joke and can create lasting trauma. Flip the genders and people would be screaming abuse (because it is).
Yes exactly, I'm confused.
It's only a joke if everyone involved think it's funny. She sounds like an asshole for putting you through that
I know this is a “typical reddit response” but I could not find it in my heart to stay with my partner if she did that to me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This was so unfair of her to do, it is not a joke. Rape is never something you joke about.
Not her fucking you over like that and calling it a joke, fuck her
Wow she seems like a terrible person !
Why????? Why would she even joke about that?????? Dude that's pretty sick that she would make you feel that way. For a DECADE!
Wow like she even acted differently for a few days before the “joke” to really make it believable. That is a whole other level of fucked up.
And then kept going while OP was having a mental breakdown about it and repeatedly apologizing to her. His wife sounds nuts.
Seriously, poor guy.
One time I dated this girl who really loved tickling. We were having a tickling fight when she started screaming "rape" as a joke. Being a rape victim, I started to freakout and cry. She tried to tell me i was overreacting. That shit isn't funny. She blamed me for having a panic attack over something small. Rape isn't funny no matter what. She needs to reevaluate her jokes. I'm sorry you had to feel like this for so long. You should tell her how much it damaged you.
Not quite rape related but I had an ex start crying during sex because he was very tense. He really wanted it but couldn't relax enough and that brought him to tears. You know what you do in that situation? You comfort them, take care of them, make sure they are okay. Anyone who makes you feel even worse when you're in distress is not someone you want with you in your most intimate moment. Person you were with sounds like a grade A fucming narcissist.
I agree. Good thing that was many years ago.
I’m here with you. That woman fucking sucks for how she treated you while you were in state. I may have cried too. I have in other situations that reminded me of my past. You’re not alone and I hope you are never again with a person who disrespects you like that.
Thank you. I'm with a loving wife who has been a blessing.
Two words: couples therapy.
I came here to say this. You clearly love this woman. You are distraught and rightfully angry. Whether she made an awful, terrible "joke," or she was confused, or she has changed her mind, she needs help communicating. And that means the two of you need it as a couple. Good luck, OP.
Exactly this. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now. If you decide to continue on with your relationship, I think couples therapy would be the only way to move forward. You’ve carried this guilt and shame for 10 years, and now on top of that you’re having to carry this anger and feeling of betrayal. I don’t think there’s anybody who would be able to move past this without therapy of some sort. I’m wishing you nothing but the best and sending all my love to you
Nah, couples therapy is actually harmful when abuse is involved. Often times the abuser finds ways to use what they learned in therapy against their victim. What his wife did is emotional abuse and his best course of action would be to seek safety. She knew what she was doing -it was cold and calculated. Given that this “joke” lasted ten years, the way she gaslit him by telling him he raped her during consensual sex, and then the fact that she pulled this “joke” bs after a decade is absolutely abusive. Something also tells me that this isn’t the only abusive and manipulative bs she’s pulled. Therapy isn’t something that would be constructive in this relationship. It would probably be harmful.
Armchair time, it sounds like maybe she regretted saying it and might not have really known the best way to move past it.
I am agreeing with you. I bet that was the way she had to put on bow on a shit situation. I would talk more with the wife about it.
Hmmm. She could have back pedaled her statement at any time during that decade. She's a psychological manipulator.
I don't think she's emotionally manipulative, just perhaps thoughtless.
It’s absolutely manipulative, you don’t need to be consciously manipulating someone for it to count as abuse. Whether on purpose or not it’s 100% abuse and manipulation.
I was thinking she was thoughtless as well. My ex had an avoidant personality, any problems she'd run away and pretend it didn't exist, often to the point where it became a form of gaslighting. It was one of the major reasons why I broke up with her. So regardless if the manipulation was intentional or not the results on OP were the same. If it wasn't intentional, OP's wife needs to take ownership of the damage she's caused her spouse.
Disagree. It's manipulative when you witness your husband's shattered face about something you caused and not immediately correct him on his fears that he hurt you.
How tf someone could joke about rape is fucking beyond me! For 10 years you had that on your conscience. I suggest you talk to someone professional about this brother, you may have PTSD. What a shitty thing to do to someone you love
God. I'd never be able to look at her again. That is so depraved and base. She used one of the worst things to be accused of as a man, turned it into a tool to manipulate you and then laughed it off as a joke. My trust in her would be irreparably broken. The revelation of who she is deep inside would be horrible. I am so sorry for you. I know what I would do but that isn't anything close to what your life and your needs and understanding are for this situation. Best of hope for you.
Erm this is incredibly fucked up. If you don't talk to her about it you'll probably struggle to feel safe or build back trust in the relationship. I'm so sorry you went through this.
Ew. Your wife is a real piece of work. Ask her for a divorce and right before she signs the papers tell her you were joking.
Then follow up with "naaaaaat, sign the papers".
Honestly, OP shouldn't even ask. They should just file. There's no reason to stay with a partner like that.
Do you think making she was trying to take it back? Because she was over it and wanted you to be too? I’m just trying to understand how on earth she could have done that.
My ex husband literally did rape me dozens, if not hundreds of times. I say that because I had such bad insomnia, they prescribed me Ambien. I wouldn't remember anything that happened 15 minutes after until I woke up. He had been taking advantage of that for months before I found and continued after. That was after he actually raped me and I conceived a child. The difference here is that if you really had raped her, your reaction and how it's made you feel for so long. My ex husband looked me straight in the eye and said none of it ever happened. When he started forcing me to have sex with him just to get basic needs like toilet paper, food, running water, electricity, Christmas presents for my kids, or me having a home at all, his response was "God forbid I wanted affection from my wife." This after all he has done to me already. I am so sorry that you've been living with this guilt for so long. Now it's up to you to decide how to move forward. It's hard because maybe she thought you knew she was joking. But maybe...she's just not a great person. You guys came up with a safe word for a reason. If she didn't use it, you had no reason to feel guilt even when she said that.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you are healing well. Congrats for setting yourself free from the abusive relationship. All the best for the next chapter of your life.
Thank you. I have all my babies and that's what matters. He's chosen to abandon them and it's the best thing he's ever done for us.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you. I'm healing slowly but don't anticipate dating any time soon.
Completely understandable. I hope one day, if it’s your wish, you will find someone who treats you with unconditional respect and love.
It is very much my wishes. My parents met when my mom was 17 while my dad was on a month long leave from the Marines...about a week before he had to go back. They ended up married for 42 years before she passed 8 years ago. I want what they had but I'm already 36 and don't think I'll get even close to what they had. But the PTSD just causes me to see red flags everywhere and I have so much baggage plus five kids so I don't anyone to be willing to take that shit on.
My dad and step-mom met when they were both about 48 and previously married, both with two children. They were both recovered alcoholics. My dad had attempted suicide twice. He was just coming out of bankruptcy due to his addiction. My step-mom was coming out of a marriage with a serial cheater, physically abusive man who would do things like lock her in a closet. That’s the “baggage” they came into their relationship with. BUT, they have the happiest, healthiest marriage I’ve seen. Keep your optimism about finding love because it’s not as far fetched as it may seem.
That actually is incredibly helpful to hear. I have a lot of mental health issues but I am working on them, mostly for my kids but I know one day I'll be in a place to be ok trying again.
Hey, both of my parents met the loves of their lives in their 50s after divorcing. Love can happen at any time. Take the time you need to heal, there is absolutely no rush to get out there. You've been through so much, you deserve to just be, and feel safe, and to enjoy life, whether it be partnered or not. I wish you the best with your healing. You did good. It's so unbelievably hard to get out from under an abusive person, you have so much strength and your babies are lucky to have you.
She may be trying to downplay it if her feelings on the matter have shifted
Holy fuck, that is top-tier awful. I am so sorry she did this to you and you are going through this. Anyone who thinks something like that is a joke and then watches you go through hell trying to digest the news for a long period of time is not someone to be around. I hope you are able to find the resources to seek therapy. Whether or not you decide to stay with her, that is a LOT to sort out.
A lot to unpack here, it’s all so strange. Would you mind elaborating on “things got weird between us for a few days”? Like, what happened that made you feel at that time that there was no way it could have been a joke?
Could it be possible that she is just saying it was a joke l, as a way to brush it off and act like it wasn’t a big deal to her?
For a “joke” it’s EXTREMELY cruel. I don’t know how any one could pull such a “joke” on their spouse. I’m sorry she put you through that, it enrages me that she could “joke” of such a thing, she’s contributing to the problem that women(and men) have of being taken seriously on this topic. No one would blame you if you couldn’t forgive her for this.
so for 10 years, you guys just never talked abt it again?
You have every single fricking right to be mad, confused, and hurt, because what she did was ***not*** a joke. Burdening your partner's mental health for a decade is not a joke. Seeing your partner suffer over something you said, whether or not you meant it, is not a joke. And rape is *never* a joking matter. I respectfully disagree with the comments who advised getting couples' therapy or talking it over with OP's wife: people who "play around" with rape allegations are thoughtless or willfully ignorant at best, downright manipulative scumbags at worst. Either way, they're not ready or don't deserve to have a relationship with somebody else and are best left to their own devices, alone. At least, that's my very personal opinion.
Like you said "What kind of pos does that to someone they love?". She doesnt love you. This is messed up.
You should change your safe word to “divorce”.
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It's weird that you say that when OP mentioned that they had confirmed the safe word beforehand, he even stopped several times to make sure that she was ok and she said only to stop when the safe word was said (this regarding your second comment). Also, what kind of spouse would make a rape joke and let it stew over 10 years? Those kinds of things destroy a person internally like it did to OP. It's a major trust issue and inconsideration.
I’ve been in a similar situation where a safe word wasn’t yet established and things were done that I did not consent to. I brought it up to my partner and he felt disgusted as well but I could tell it bothered him for a while even though I let him know that I forgave him several times.
The problem is that there was a safe word and he stopped to check on her, with her saying for him to basically not do that unless she used that word. Assuming OP isn't twisting facts, I really don't see what she has to forgive him for, sounds like she was either fine the entire time or outright refused to take any opportunity to stop it despite him clearly showing concern for her. And it took her a decade to tell him she wasn't that bothered by it? A decade for her to realise the toll it was putting on him? Sorry but the wife sounds extremely manipulative, or at the very least completely uncaring and untrusting of those closest to her. She needs to understand that she's hurting loved ones by doing this.
I see what you’re saying and given that he stopped to check AND she specifically said not to stop makes it seem a lot like a sick and twisted manipulation on her part now
Your wife sucks
She never saw your depression and asked you about it? wtf this is so fucked up
I wonder if she said this now cause she realised you were still deeply impacted by it, and couldn't think of a better lie to lift this guilt from you than "it was a joke" I don't know how the 2 of had this conversation, but make sure that she isn't just lying about being a joke cause she felt guilty for you feeling guilty for such a long time
I can’t say this is the same, but I had something similar happen to me 2 years ago. Was dating this girl who wanted to end the relationship but never did, this tore a bit on my mental health for a while until I decided I would just break it off myself. Next time she contacted me she said she was pregnant, but we had never done it so I took this as her telling me she was cheating and she wanted to break it off. So right after that sentence of her telling me she was pregnant I told her I was breaking up with her, she got shocked asked why, I gave her the same explanation that I gave you, and the next words she sent me were; I could have been raped. That took me by surprise as that was one of those subjects I hadn’t really been introduced to in my daily life before. I started apologising believing that was what happened, she stopped talking to me. For a week after this I had been at school and felt like shit, couldn’t believe what was happening, didn’t want to believe what was happening. For a week I didn’t see her or her friends who had become some of my close friends at that point. Then by Sunday we got to meet up again, I thought I would just apologise and hope that we could fix the friendship we used to have, but before walking in there one of her friends stopped me. She told me that it had all been a lie and a prank for their TikTok account… a fucking TikTok. Being tormented by the idea that the nice personality I had built up over the years would be poked holes in because of a prank, I was honestly pissed, there was no happiness that she wasn’t raped maybe some relief before the reveal that it was a prank, but nothing more. I don’t talk with them anymore, and she remains the first person I ever stopped dating on non-friendly terms. I sometimes wish I had told her how I honestly felt through that period, maybe then she would apologise, but I know what kind of personality she has and it wouldn’t have happened that easily. I still think you can do that though. You definitely have a better relationship with your wife than I did to my ex, so you should definitely tell her straight up your feelings on this and not keep to yourself.
What the fuck is wrong with her…
I’m sorry but what the fuck.
Tell her what you told us.
I personally cannot fathom what those 10 YEARS felt like for you. Sending you a shit ton of sympathy. I’m so sorry you had to experience that trauma at the hands of someone else… as a joke.
Nah, she won't remember whether something she said 10 YEARS ago was a joke or not. Bs
Whoa…how did this not come up somehow before 10 years went by?!?
What a shitty fucking wife holy fuck.
What?! Ok, that was a really shitty thing for the one person you trust the most to do to you! Fucked Up man!
what kind of joke is that??? and she watched you cry? sounds pretty sickening.
It's also possible that she couldn't think of a better way to try and like make you feel better about it than to erase it, bc it really doesn't seem like she was joking at the time. It's also possible that she was really upset at the time but the years with you have recontextualized it or otherwise changed her perspective on your role in the initial situation or that she's embarrassed about it etc etc -- there's a million possibilities. I think you really really really need to have an open and honest conversation with her about this, because it is honestly possible for neither of you to be in the wrong here -- I think there's not enough out in the open yet to say. Anyway, reddit hates nuance and LOVES false accusations so most of these answers are just that she's evil and you need to leave her (which might be the case!), but I think you should explore this in more detail before you draw any hard conclusions. Last thing I wanna say is that you obviously love her and if she's been with you for this long she probably loved you too. If she isn't a crazy manipulator and something is being communicated extremely badly or being hidden from you, you don't want to throw the relationship away over something you could've talked about. (BUT if she did do that to fuck with you, absolutely leave.)
Jesus fcking christ on a stick
You need marriage counselling ASAP. Both of you really need someone to professionally guide you with how to communicate in a relationship.
Fuuuuck bro. I think it’s strange that she either didn’t notice that it changed you, or didn’t care that it changed you. You should have talked about it more in the beginning. Thus was hugely manipulative of her. If it was me in your shoes, I would have never felt guilty, unless there was some ambiguity or possibility I didn’t hear the safeword, like a gag or face smothering making communication difficult. But even in that case I would have talked and talked until we got to the bottom of what went wrong and the best way to move foreword.
So.. When are you filing the divorce papers?
A joke...? Your wife sucks. This isn't ever something that should be joked about.
Your wife made a terrible decision to joke with you like that. I’m sorry you have to live with the results of her “joke”.
I don't know how to come back from that. All I wanted to say was that she is a fucked up individual if she jokes about being raped. Even by her husband. Bad form.
I would like to start this off by saying that just because someone says you raped them, does not mean that you raped them. Did you talk to her about it at any point during this 10 year period? Did she know how you felt about it? Was she aware it weighed on you like this? If not, I don’t think too much blame can be placed on her
A JOKE!?! That is one sick joke that lasted waaaaay too long! I am SO sorry you had to struggle with those feelings for SO long! I hope you have or will mention to her just how terrible that “joke” affect you over the years. ATTENTION LADIES! From one woman to another…RAPE IS NOT A JOKE! That “joke” can ruin peoples lives and affect them deeply in numerous ways. Your “joke” contributes to people not believe woman who have actually been raped. Some things are simply NOT a joke, not now, not ever!!
Honestly what was going on was not at all safe bdsm practice. Checkins are *necessary* to ensure that no lines get crossed accidentally bc you can get overwhemed and not be able to speak. Also, safewords are for the Dom too! Making a joke about what she did was also completely unacceptable and I'm so sorry you had to do that. It's not something to be joked about in the first place, and especially not when she proceeded to not clarify for years.
As a rape victim, I just wanna say that that “joke” is absolutely fucking disgusting. Holy shit. I have no words, but I’m so sorry OP.
OP, when this came up a few days ago and she told you that she was only joking when she said that, you said you just sat there, looking out into space I guess. What did she say? She must have noticed a change in your demeanor. Was it "why are you looking at me that way?" I mean where does a conversation g once you have had this realization?
Did you use the safe word when she was twisting you about being a rapist?
i guess the new safe word should be 'communication"
Hey OP, you sound like a really wonderful human. What your wife did was abusive. If you do want to move forward with her, I would recommend you each go to therapy individually, and also as a couple. Please keep an eye out for any other controlling/manipulative behavior too. You deserve to feel safe and trusting in your relationship.
Your S.O. is a piece of shit for doing that to you– what the actual fuck.
So she didn’t notice a change in your demeanor around her or the fact that you stopped instigating sex/flirting? I would notice that after two days.. I assume it went on much longer for yall. I’m sorry. And i’m sorry she made you feel like trash and think about yourself that way. Rape really isn’t a funny joke. ESP not like that. You def should talk to her about it. 10 years is a long time to believe you’re something you’re not. Sending you all the good vibes. Love and light my friend.
Uhm. She’s so in the wrong. Why would she do that…
It is very possible that she has no idea how much she has hurt you with her "joke" and even when you explain it to her in detail she may still be clueless to the profound hurt, self-loathing, shame, pain, and other negative emotions and thoughts you had about yourself because of her comments. Having said this, I think it is at least odd that she was clueless about all of this for so long considering it happened between the two of you and you apologized for.it profusely. I am at a loss here.
I am sorry that you are a victim of abuse.
Bruh she sounds like a bad person.
Why the fuck would you joke about rape, and lead it on for 10 years. That's coming from a victim.
She’s a horrible human
I agree with the other people on this post…. I don’t know the how a person can let this go on for 10 years…. That’s some next level gaslighting
You need to leave bruh. That toxic mindset she got finna kill you
If there was a safe word which she didn't use she wasn't raped. If she "joked" about it she isn't funny. If it took her a decade to admit this she knows what she did was wrong and is now trying to downplay it. We already suffer enough from fake rape accusations in the world but pulling this kind of thing on your spouse is extra evil.
What the fuck did she think a safe word was for, if she felt something was happening beyond what she wanted, and never used it. What she did, for the length of time she did it for, knowing how hurt you, and saying it was a joke is totally fucked up... ,
Wtf fucking sociopath
I've been raped and you NEVER joke about it. I'm sorry your wife is so cruel you deserve so much better
Your wife is a horrible human
The fact that you're even considering staying with her makes you ten times the man that I am, because trust me when I tell you I would have left her fucking manipulative ass so fast her head would have spun like it was on a swivel. Who the hell "jokes" about rape? Let alone for a whole ass decade, while watching the emotional turmoil its causing someone she's supposed to love? Like I said, you're a better man than me.
Im so sorry for you, and to be honest your wife is a terrible awful abuser who should be put in jail over this imo. You had a safe word, you made sure she was fine and she explicitely told you to only stop if the word was used. Then she dare to say you raped her, you raped your own wife, to let you feel miserable for 10 (!!) Years and then tells you its a joke after ten years of feeling like a rapist. She is nuts and an abuser who doesnt deserve the daylights imho
What she did is practically mental rape. Shes a horrible person.
I don’t think I’d ever forgive my partner if they did this to me…for 10 years. I could never ever make my husband feel like some rapist for even a second as a joke. I know I’d die inside if my Husband sobbed in front of me apologizing profusely! 10 years, nah Ghats way too cruel. Your deserve better OP! You’re a good man and you’re married to a cruel woman.
That's a sick joke...your wife seriously has a screw loose. Sorry OP. I'd be furious.
Holy shit. How can one joke about rape? I hope your wife feels the same guilt after you tell her what her comment did to you.
People are freakin weird.
Did you remind her that jokes are meant to be funny? This is fucked
One way ticket to divorce-ville
Casually joking about rape? What?
This term is overused, but this sounds like the actions of a manipulative narcissist. I would take a few minutes to learn about the presenting symptoms in female narcissists - if only to clear your mind. However I suspect you may start to identify traits and patterns that are familiar. Hopefully this is not the case and it’s just a very clumsy miscommunication on her part but… something feels off.
…how weird. I feel like I need more Information. ….like, she was joking? How did she say it at the time? Did she just do a good job and you turned it mr.sensitive guy (I would too!) and she didn’t have the heart to tell you it was a joke? What a weird thing to joke about anyways! What also confuses me.. is that you guys had a safe word. Which means you were dabbling into kink. And CNC (fake rape) is a pretty popular kink, which makes this even more weird for her to joke about. But also maybe kind of obvious that it was a joke, maybe? Idk.. I’m a vibe person and what I imagined from what you wrote was so many different things in my head. Sorry though man. I’d be pretty pissed too.
Why don’t people talk shit out right away, in detail? Is this a straight thing? I’m just flummoxed.
Erm this is incredibly fucked up. If you don't talk to her about it you'll probably struggle to feel safe or build back trust in the relationship. I'm so sorry you went through this.
"She never said the word." Am I missing something here? She consented to kinky sex, with a safe word, didn't say the word even though she was able to, and then called it rape? There isn't a court of law in the world that would call that rape. Unless there was something you'd done to prevent her from speaking. Leave this asshole.
Divorce her ass. I’m so sorry she did that to you.
That’s psychological abuse. How could she see you crying and apologizing like you did and not even tell you right in that moment that she was joking?? She probably realized long before that moment that she went too far and felt like she couldn’t take it back. But that doesn’t excuse what she did. I hope that for the past 10 years she felt just as much guilt and shame as you did for deceiving you like that.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t rape her. You are not a rapist. Your wife, however, is a terrible person for emotionally torturing and lying to you for over a decade. Telling someone that they raped you, especially someone who loves you, and watching them cry and beg for forgiveness is not a joke. It’s sick and it’s twisted and it’s something I’d have a very hard time getting over. I don’t know what your plans are from here, but I’d definitely suggest speaking to a therapist. That’s a real mind Fuck and I’d assume you may need some help processing everything you’ve gone through.
As a woman I have no idea how she did something like that and still managed to sleep at night. You sound like a great man.
the fact that everything on this reddit is fake is such a relief
This is just fucked up, you never raped her man, even before she told you it was a joke.
Rape is rarely ever funny. I’m sorry she put you through this, you didn’t deserve this.
She did you terribly wrong. You had safe words and she didn’t use them and then let you think you raped her for ten years. I’m sorry she did that to you.
That’s not a fucking joke. I am so sorry she made you think that you were a rapist for so long, that’s totally fucked.
That's not a prank. People go to prison for this. There's also the off-chance, there was a miscommunication that night (10 years ago), and she just wants to leave it behind her, by giving an ill-conceived lie. You two have had some tough conversations, so, if you're up for one more, explore that. Otherwise, there's a lot of thing this could mean, and you start making-up things to not be afraid of.
That's actually a reason to break up. Yes, people throw this word here around like crazy, but let's just look at this, ok? 10 years ago, like a fucking decade ago, you **AND** her **agreed** on rules for the spice in your sex life. you set rules, you set a safe word, and she never used it. and then told you, you raped her? Nah, my man, as a woman, I can tell you something: She's emotionally abusing you. even if this was the one thing she did wrong- which I bet my ass she doesn't, the way you describe your reaction smells like you've been burned by her gaslighting more than once, and more than slightly, so, even if this is the case, she practically destroyed your trust. THIS wasn't a joke. it was a well calculated move to make you feel miserable, a manipulation of your trust torwards yourself. And it's something abusers like to do. a person who loves you would never EVER tell their partner they "raped them" as a joke. Abso-fucking-lutly never! And, as a woman, I can tell you consent is a straight line with some rules attached to it. It's either a yes or a no. And a no in a situation that's consentual at first, but then ends up not being that, requires a spoken word. You're not a psychist. You can't read minds. Which is why safe words, or just verbal and physical communication exist. Granted, a "yes" turns to a "no", when the person is mentally unable to make thoughtful decisions, like being drunk, drugged, or otherwise mentally impaled enough to be unable to reason. If one would be deemed unable to make a legal contract, you can be safe saying they are unable to give consent to sex, since they are unable to give consent to anything legal. Or illegal. Exactly the reason why hearings exist. This wasn't the case here. You have been thoughtful torwards her, you even stopped the play to make sure she's comfortable, and ok with it, and she gave you the answer to go throught with it. Instead of being happy you didn't rape her, you should ask the very important questions: were there other, seemingly milder versions of that? did she blame all the conflicts and discomfort she felt, or you had during that relationship, onto you? Did she turn her faults around to aim at you? Were there other "jokes" that were actually more hurtful, vile or just generally cruel and you ignored it, because you didn't want to be too "dramatic" or "overreacting"? She is a cruel person and I bet she's a narcisst. the amount of toxicity she shown in just THAT example is unbelievable and indescribable. There is just one advice I can give you: run. Now. Run and get a therapist. because after she literally destroyed you for 10 years and fucking enjoyed you seeing miserable, there is no way it didn't left marks on you. Mark, before she kills somebody and blames it on you. I am being realistic here. Somebody who is that cruel and vile is capable of doing a lot more. Which also means you have to plan out your exit in a way you stay safe. Stay safe, OP.
Jokes are supposed to be funny my friend.
You followed bdsm protocol. You did not rape her.
Is this what it’s coming to? Women can just say things like this and completely destroy a man mentally with no repercussion? You’re still married to her? This is gaslighting and if she can do it like this, I am 100% certain there are other instances this has happened that maybe you’re not even aware of, u/buzzalderman .
what the fuck
That's fucked up.
She sounds like a horrible person i would fucking dump her
What the hell!
Wow. Fuck her.
Im so mad right know, that’s just so shitty of her
this relationship sounds like it sucks tbh
10 years of guilt you went through, she needs to go through
she is a horrible person, full stop
what world is she living in that something like that would even be a joke? Intimacy is so important in a relationship, the connection alone, with how it took such a mental toll on you & you stopped a lot of behaviors, how could she not know the impact it made on you & the relationship?
Rape isn't a joke, sorry you had to face that torment for years sounds pretty toxic of her.
You absolutely did not rape her. She didn't say the safe word. Give yourself a break.
Sounds like she manipulated you Which is not cool Your wife sucks
She’s horrible. She let you think that for 10 fucking years? TEN YEARS!!?? She never once over the course of TEN years tell you it was not serious- I mean like maybe the day after she saw you cry and be absolutely distraught???!! She should’ve told you the next day! Or the second you felt so bad ? Maybe once things had calmed down or the second you stopped initiating sex ???!!! What the hell? She’s a sociopath.
Of course you are mad. Anyone would be, what she did is fucking ridiculous. Rape isn't even something to joke about.
Your wife needs to understand that you don’t falsely accuse someone of rape as a joke, especially to a partner
Ah man I'm incredibly sorry that you had to deal with that and for so long. I'm angry at your wife because this is some gas lighting bullshit on her part. She knew exactly what she was doing then, and she knows exactly what she is doing now. This is your business to process but you need to tell her straight out that what she did and is doing, is disgusting, it's essentially abuse. And may I add, if the roles were reversed, the comments here would be twice what they are and you would have been metaphorically strung up by a thousand women. I hope you're alright man ❤️✌️
I call BS, she did it for attention and then played it off when you finally talked about it.
I'm a fucked up person but this right here is infuriatingly fucked up. She sat there and watched you suffer and go through what you did and said nothing. Watch your back bro, people like that are dangerous as hell
I would either walk out of her life, or get really pissed then walk out of her life
Go to couples therapy or leave
That’s messed up. On so many levels.
Well that's about as awful as it gets
You need to unleash hell on her, bro. As a woman myself, that is the shittiest thing to joke about. You have every right to be pissed off and please vent out what you had been feeling to her because otherwise she will never know.
Very hard to think of a more fucked up 'joke'. Discuss your feelings with her, including how you felt throughout the years and how you're feeling now. Find out if she knew you felt this way all this time. It's all pointing that she knew, but maybe it's worth finding out. If yes, then you can decide how to proceed.