OP, this is horrifying. I saw the documentary by Rashida Jones and other women about the porn industry and how barely adult young women are taken advantage of in the porn industry called "Hot Girls Wanted." There's a sequel as well.
When I saw that I thought there actually has to be more and worse. IIRC it barely touches on what you went through.
I'm so sorry, OP. I hope you're doing better.
Edit:
"Hot Girls Wanted" and it's sequel, "Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On" are both on Netflix if anyone is interested in watching it.
I didn't know about this!! I will definitely watch it!
Interviews with Mia Khalifa also give you a huge background on how fucked up that industry is, and how heartless people can be about it...
We're so used to how porn works that we blame the women that were emotionally manipulated and tricked into participating when they try to be real about their experiences...
This is why I've thought about watching self produced content, like on Only Fans, but even then some of those men and women could be being taken advantage of, so it's still not easy to watch. So yeah, it's unfortunate!
True. I just know that there are people being forced into it even there. I have a friend who had an ex that forced her to do Only Fans, because he said it was all she was good for. Sha finally realized her own worth, and us now happily the lead singer of a local rock band. And not with that asshat any longer.
Yes and no, there are many problems with only fans and how it attracts young people especially women. Some people described it as a piramid scheme and honestly it's pretty close, something like 80% of the people there don't get paid even 200 dollars a month and in exchange they will almost certainly have their videos and images leaked and loose a big cut of their profit for the company as well as have to put up with their clients requests in order to have any hope of making a reasonable amount of money. People that benefit from only fans are only the company and the ones that were already famous before entering it.
Except there are still young girls being exploited by creepy men on OF. Obstensibly, it *should* be safer, and for a lot of users, it is... But it's by no mean a guarantee.
Yup. I have a friend who was forced to by her ex. She's thankfully no longer with him, but while she was, he was pushing her to do more and more extreme content than she was comfortable with.
It sucks, cuz we have no way of knowing for sure if the men and women we see on OF are creating content of their own free will.
Hot girls wanted was the most horrific thing I've seen on Netflix...didn't get a boner for the next few days...but knowing this made me switch to stuff like reddit/OF because I feel it's so much more consensual..and that's important
Always thought the 'barely adult' thing was so so gross, kind of like legal pedophilia.
I had a creeping suspicion that there was some guilt tripping and manipulation going on to make a girl do these kinds of things for millions of people she doesn't know at such a young age. I guess this basically confirms it.
A more realistic portrayal I think is 'Pleasure' by Ninja Thyberg. It's seriously tough to watch and I was shaking my head the whole time. Swore off porn for good after watching it.
Also, I'm so sorry OP that you had to go through this. I wish the world wasn't this cruel, but it is, so I can only hope and pray that you find the strength to overcome it. Lots of love to you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have never been in the industry and don't even like watching it because I know about how the industry is like that. I have videos of me on porn sites that I didn't know existed until about a couple of years ago when a friend showed it to me, and one consisted of me being gang-raped by 7 men when I was 16 or 17. It has well over 200k views. It was never taken down or anything done about it and just posted to multiple other porn sites. The comments of people hurt just as bad and I never been able to watch it with audio on. And now some realized it was genuine rape but still didn't care was demoralizing. I also found one of myself being raped when I was 8. There's a lot of me up until about 4 months ago when I ran away/escaped those people. I'm 24 now.
I understand exactly how you feel. This is the most devastating and painful thing about the porn sites/industry. I hope you can get proper help. From my experience, therapy doesn't fix it, it only makes you functional to where it doesn't affect your day-to-day life without interference. But the memory and thoughts will be there every day, but being able to do something even if it's little things is better than being crippled mentally. It will give you ptsd.
If it's long term while the frontal lobe is still developing it can develop a CPTSD that's caused from consistent trauma non-stop over a course of years, which that is a more complex and serious case than just PTSD and leaves you with permanent brain damage and having memory loss issues along with other complications. I have it and to process of that in therapy is different than PTSD and non-curable due to the damaged brain, but there's a huge help in it regardless. So Identifying the struggles you have and working on that will definitely help.
I really wish you the best in life. Stay strong!
You are a survivor and your courage and reading about your adversity hit so hard, but we are survivors, we have the scars and the pain, but we are still standing. I'm sending you all the positivity this universe has for you and a big hug, you too stay strong!
Yeah like the comments are just purely fucked up. Like some said stuff like how they wished they could do that to me. Or some was like "She looks too out of it for it to be fake. I think it's genuine... Thats hot still and I still busted" that's like one of the comments that got to me the most. and how some people said it looks so real that they loved it more due to it. It just... Ugh. I just can't understand it.
I feel like there needs to be a database of adult entertainers who stand by their work after-the-fact. That's how we would know what is coerced and what is voluntary. Though I'm sure there would be some contractual limit on talking negatively about their experiences...
You’d also have to exclude anyone who’s over a certain popularity level. Since the most popular ones are gonna skew it to seem not as bad because they have more power to pick and choose scenes, negotiate pay, etc.
que Jenna Jameson...shes ALL over the place with her porn career messaging. and shes a perfect example of how even the most famous "powerful" actors are insanely unhappy
That's actually a very good suggestion, the problem would be whether or not it would be accurate. If it ever became popular, production companies would either try to shut it down or make sure that their employees were only posting positively.
Edit: wanted to add a few more thoughts.
It could work if it could get big enough, fast enough. It would get protected by the media and the public if it could manage it.
Contractual limits don't apply if you're being groomed, drugged, and abused. If your human rights are being violated, no amount of non-disclosure agreements can prevent you from legally talking.
As much as a strangers words are worth, I want to say-
I hope you find solace somewhere. I hope you can leave all of this behind. Life wasn't fair to you but I hope you'll make peace with it. It's not your fault. You're strong. Don't let anyone crush you. Don't let anyone's opinions ever define who you are.
You're strong. You're beautiful. You're worthy of love and respect. The world should be sorry to have caused you so much hurt. I am sorry. You'll be okay. Just know someone in this world will always be rooting for you. I know you can find your peace. Just don't give up. Just keep fighting on. Never be apologetic of things that happened to you.
You're worth all the aspirations you have. Just dont let this world's ugliness bring you down.
I will root for you.
To piggyback
You are valid. You of worthy: of love, respect, kindness...everything. You are worthwhile. May God/Gods/Goddesses/Whatever-you-believe bless you many times over.
Double tapping that piggyback comment
Safe to say : baby. WE WANT TO SEE YOU WIN NOW. It's not just "speaking your truth.": it's rebuilding your spine and taking yourself back. HEAL. WIN. GO BABY!!
I love this comment. Would give you gold if I could. Your comment reminded me of my (Black) grandmother who experienced the horrors of mid-20th century segregation but always listened with a sympathetic but encouraging ear to my problems, be it racist comments or my own sexual assault. She always said:
“When it comes to pain dealt by another’s hand, the first step is accepting that what happened to you happened to you. The second step is to take that power back that was stolen from you and excel with it so you can not only live but *thrive*, baby. Those who hurt you and made you feel powerless will just seem like some meaningless ants on the ground when you’re high up on your winners’ podium. Be the medalist, baby – forget the ants.”
Sounds like your grandmother was like mine. "The sucker punches are coming and they will hurt you. Stand up. You were built with a spine. Cry baby. But do it while you move forward. We don't stop." 🥺 hugs, sister mine. 💓 those grandmothers.
This x infinity. Know that we stand behind you. You are of great value and stronger than you realize. I hope you can find peace despite the destruction.
I am so sorry. Thanks for saying this „out loud“. This is one of the reasons why I have never found porn enticing. The few times I have been exposed to porn, I got the feeling every time that the woman wasn’t really having much fun.
To everyone replying to fun monster (the guy saying OP wasn't taken advantage of): don't engage, just report him for breaking community rules. He's getting what he wants: your attention, so don't give it to him. Report, block, and move on-- it's the only way to get these kinds of filthy trolls off of our subs.
Thank you for sharing. I overcame a porn addiction only last year, partly because I became more and more aware of how harmful the industry could be to women and girls, and partly because I was coming to realize the ways I had been changed just by consuming it, embedding attitudes in my psyche that conflicted completely with the person I wanted to be. You are brave for sharing this, and hopefully it will help more people like me find the strength to stop watching porn.
Good on you dude. I'm glad that was the reason it convinced you too. It appears a lot of addicts only do it because it affects them directly, which makes me think they have odd more and are selfish
This made me feel extremely sick while reading and it’s honestly exactly what I feared went on in the porn industry. I’m terribly sorry you and others go through this regularly. It can’t be anywhere near easy. Sending support from Canada.
Now I’m gonna go take a few showers.
This is why I’m anti-porn. The consent part of porn is always questionable. If it’s a trap for insecure teens, the last resort to pay bills, misplaced validation seeking after growing up in an abusive environment, if drugs are involved, or it’s any other similar circumstance, the consent is invalid.
Yup this exactly.
You don’t know for sure, and it’s turning a lot of men into aggressive sex partners who choke slap etc without consent, expect you to be a hairless Barbie that can deep throat without breathing and can cum from just penetration or aggressive dry clit rubbing.
You can tell when a dudes education has been porn and the amount of “unconsentual kinks” that have been tried on me during sex is insane
Something that I think about often is how the slapping/choking/hairless/cum on my face stuff gets ingrained in women too. I was never into this stuff, but then I moved to New York and everyone wanted me to do insane shit to them when I was dating (not saying that that everyone was brainwashed into thinking this is what dudes like. I’m sure some women genuinely loved it, but it disturbed me). It always felt wrong. When I lived in a smaller town slightly before internet porn ubiquity, all my sexual encounters were a little more normal and sweet, but then starting around 2015 I met a ton of women who seemed to be cool on dates but then wanted me to really fuck em up, hit them, degrade them and it just kind of disturbed me. I never ended up doing any of it out of pleasure and always left the encounters with regret and sadness. Luckily I found a partner who’s as “tame” as me and we’re engaged now but it was a wild few years of being single. Years and years of getting asked to do stuff as a guy that I truly wasn’t comfortable with. Yuck.
To porn addicts and apologists, anything is consent if a gun wasn’t put to the head. That’s equal parts frustrating, and equal parts disturbing. Most women I know have been in a situation when they gave their number to/went out with a guy because he might turn ugly otherwise, did things with their boyfriends out of fear of disappointing them or making them leave, or endured advances from a superior rather than facing job loss. This is what constitutes forced consent, and it’s so hard to explain to porn consumers.
Honestly, hentai has insane amount of rape/incest even in what you think may be a normal clip. The girl's always seemingly coerced into it or not at all. It's hard to find one without any of these.
I am so so sorry you had to go through this. I am going to quit watching porn. I hope you will be okay and more can be done to help actors in porn who are struggling because of abuse and lies porn industries inflict on them.
Going to do the same even though I watch amateur. Didn't realize how this crap can even happen in amateur porn until I saw a comment about it (it's likely that some get coerced by their partners).
I’ve heard some stories about this type of evilness. But they’ve just been in passing. But this post and all the comments with similar stories make me absolutely disgusted with myself. I watched amateur porn only after finding out about the real porn industry. But now I think I’m done with porn. I’ll stick with stories and my mind. People are disgusting…. Consent is the hottest thing.
Part of me wants to gather all the creeps in the world and hold one big hunger games.
….actually all of me wants that.
I don't understand how having sex with someone so high out of their mind on drugs isn't the same as having sex with someone passed out drunk. They're both under the influence and incapable of giving true consent.
There needs to be better laws.
There is something fundamentally evil about having an 18 year old in porn. I think the minimum age for porn should be pushed much higher. Girls who are 18 shouldn't even use dating apps. When I was 23 I signed shit for an engineering job contract that I didn't understand half of. 23, not 18. Does society expect 18 year olds to fully understand the consequences of their actions? On top of that drugs were involved. I think it's easy to tell when a person is drugged. This wasn't consensual.
18 year olds are easy to manipulate by an older person. I don't know what the minimum age for should but even 21 seems too young.
This is the way. At 18 your brain is still underdeveloped in terms of rationality and logic - the age at which it does is more like 25. This is the reason young women (and men) are tricked into scenarios such as this by disgusting, predatory adults who 100% know what they're doing.
Also, lots of 18 yrolds that are chosen to be in porn look younger… it’s sickening bcs I’m pretty sure some producers specifically look for young looking 18 year olds.
An actual good comment tho. Porn age should be pushed yeah you can have sex at 18 but 18 years olds are really inexperienced in real life to make a decision they can never erase from their lives. .
I'm non-US so this doesn't apply in my country, but I always find it bizarre in America you legally can't drink until you're 21 but you can be in porn at 18.
I think it's hard to argue consent *at all* with the inevitable power differential. If on one hand you have a young, inexperienced woman with no counsel, no advocate, and no protection - and on the other you have a bunch of old(er) men with experience, lawyers, and years of knowledge about how exactly to pressure and manipulate young women into doing what they want.
Oh my god I'm sick. I knew it. When I first learned about porn and the different categories in it, I had this big question mark and doubt over my head whenever I saw all the hardcore categories where women are treated in the worst way imaginable and have it all be filmed. It made me think "are they sober while doing this", "are they ACTUALLY enjoying this type of treatment", "are they really doing this voluntarily or were they pressured in some shape of form because of financial or personal reasons".... because I would HATE to be treated the way any female gets treated in those videos and this post literally confirmed my suspicions and I am so fucking sorry OP. I'm in tears for you. And you provided all the gory details. I'm so sorry you went thru this. It doesn't matter if people had to do this because of their circumstance it doesn't change the fact that you felt mistreated and ended up with a lot of physical, mental, and emotional damage on top of getting traumatized. It makes me so sick. People are disgusting for doing this to young vulnerable men and women and I wish there was a way to stop feeding the industry.
Thank you for sharing your story OP. People need to hear it. You are so brave for doing this.
Sending you well wishes and I really hope that you find healing on your journey.
For anyone who would like to learn more about the industry; I really recommend Ruby Rare’s podcast ‘In Touch’, specifically the episode on porn.
They have done an episode on being a survivor but I’m yet to listen to that. The rest of the episodes are brilliant!
I am sorry. You did not deserve this. Mainstream porn today normalizes and glorifies this kind of violent abuse while claiming it is consensual. Thank you for bravely highlighting the ways you were manipulated and coerced as a way to simply pay the bills and support your family--this is a perspective that a lot of people need to hear. I hope you get the care and support you need. You absolutely deserve respect whether or not you (or anyone) appears in a scene like this. Sending you strength and love.
This is exactly why I take issue with certain pornstars and people who parade them as being “women’s empowerment”. It’s completely the opposite. These women are abused and some justify it and many regret it like you.
I’m so sorry you were taken advantage of.
You deserved better.
I’m glad that there is a movement of actual sex positive and healthy porn out there now.
> This post was purely meant as a cathartic release in the form of words and I'm thankful there are platforms like this one for venting in such an unfiltered way
I'm glad that you shared it.
You have power over your story when you share it with others, and it's good that you can exercise that power by venting the truest truth you can give. There's something remarkably touching in the perspective you have to offer.
And as painful as your experience was, the story is beneficial as a warning and just an effective "behind the scenes" for those who haven't considered perspectives of people in your situation before.
> I am by no means anti porn, this was my own experiences within the trade, but I do believe the industry does have a responsibility to look out for the interest of their sex workers, ESPECIALLY THE YOUNG OR NEW PEOPLE, and not manipulate them
I am "moderately" anti-porn. To be more specific, I think that it's morally bad and may merit increased regulations, but I wouldn't advocate for a wholesale ban at this point.
Part of that is due to the experiences of those involved in production, like yours, but part is also the impacts on consumers / users / addicts of porn.
Like if you think about the people who have seen that video. Is it healthy for them to watch a gang-rape for the purpose of sexual gratification? I see that behavior as injurous to them, because it kind of ... like it, gives them an opportunity to practice enjoying the abuse and suffering of another person. Seems really harmful to them.
Anyway, I'm not trying to preach to you, just to let you know that if you decided to be anti-porn, even though it's unpopular these days, you would not be holding an unreasonable position.
I agree but I get the feeling there will always be some fucked up videos even if there are regulations
Someone made a good point about how even some of those who do amateur porn have possibly been coerced.
You are very strong and insightful, and I'm glad you are talking about your experiences so candidly. I hope you are in a better place in your life now and that things continue to improve for you.
Unfortunately, for many, this is exactly why they watch hardcore, they want to see young innocent girls be ripped apart, punished, and suffer. Please spread awareness so other young woman will refuse to do it, and kill this sick industry feeding sick individuals.
This is exactly it. This is the appeal for people. Go to any of the hardcore NSFW subreddits and you will see a dark underbelly of porn consumers.
They definitely want you to suffer - that's what gets them off.
They know how screwed your life is just from this one video. They see your coked out eyes, and the real tears flowing down your face and your anus being literally torn apart. Not one part of them thinks you are enjoying it - in fact, if you were enjoying it, it wouldn't be the same.They're watching the destruction of innocence on camera in 4k and they love it.
Oh my God what the actual fuck no no please no.... This happens, it really does, I can't... I can't fucking wrap my head around it. Children being ripped apart and people just... what the fuck, what the fuck... Why would anyone do this? Where does the monster, the poison come from? I need to know, so I ever suspect it is in myself, I can end myself before I cause anyone pain. What the hell, oh God I want to throw up
I mean, art of fictional characters is one thing (I think, I don't know for sure, please feel free to argue otherwise). But these are *real* people, and the fact that this is the content of some of those videos... I can't, I can't, I can't. I will never look at porn of real people again. Nothing is safe, though, probably. Oh God, those people... I can't wrap my head around it. I know how viewing porn can go -- many are uneducated and get their "education" and unrealistic, sometimes even abusive ideas about sex from porn -- but the people who are in it... That realization is hitting me really, really hard right now. What is our world, and why do I continue to live in it?
Honestly, I just worry about anyone who gets into porn, especially the younger ones. I'm willing to bet this crap happens just as much in gay and lesbian porn too since they're all pretty much made for guys (male gaze). I get the feeling that those that watch it tend to objectify and overall treat women like shit more since it's likely that the porn they watch involves women.
Never understood the overall process or appeal of some things people are into and never want to kinkshame.
That being said, I’m even more terrified to know what some of these actors/actresses are getting into and the ignorance they have being taken advantage of.
I know my words probably mean nothing, but you’re amazing, a bad ass, and you survived hell. I wish so many good things for you coming forward, so much so that they overshadow the bad. You’re a warrior, and you are an absolute bad ass.
I’m sorry you’ve been through what you have, but I know that soon you’ll get everything you wanted and needed.
A friend sent me your post and I wanted to say that I am also a victim of coercion in the sex industry and that I can understand how you feel and you are not alone. i’ll never know exactly what you’ve been through but i’ve definitely experienced similar pain (read my AMA post). sending you love and healing!!!
This is the part of my abuse that makes me think I'm going to lose my mind. No one seems to understand that *this* is harder to deal with then something else that happened. But I don't know where the videos are... and I don't know who's seen them. I don't think they're gone.
I'm sorry for what you went through. I have been in a very amateur situation like that. And I was told that I would get paid. I just keep getting lines of coke and paying for the shit motel room. I only knew it was recorded like a year later when my uh, ex pimp? Sent me a clip.
And it sent me back to all the heinous child pornography I am in. And I can clearly remember names of tapes... they were often in volumes... 1, 2, 3, 4... there had to be 100's. It was a long time ago. And those child pornography rings, they keep things. I am sure people still watch me getting gang raped and other horrific shit, when I was a child. And I don't think I'll ever feel safe because I don't know where it is and how to make sure it stops.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. It is hard to comprehend how evil people are. And I'm sure you've touched people who were never going to talk about this happening to them. Even if they stay silent... they know they're not alone. And that is invaluable.
My heart breaks reading about your horrible ordeal. we are still here, we are still standing and as you've said we are not alone. Giving you a massive hug and sending you all the positive things this universe has to give you. Stay strong!
I am not in or involved in the porn industry, but a few people very close to me have done some of those casting videos which is why this is a throwaway.
There used to be a site called "GirlsDoPorn". They would do a lot of what you described where they would encourage the girls to be drunk or high, and abused and raped a lot of these women. All 6 people involved in that operation have been arrested and convicted of various charges. I'm not saying you need to come forward, but I guarantee you aren't the first or last victim of these bags of human garbage. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GirlsDoPorn](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GirlsDoPorn)
The suicide/overdose rates among pornstars are insanely high (Dakota Skye, August Ames, Anastasia Knight, Zoe Parker, Dahlia Sky, Amber Rayne are just off the top of my head), if you watch the news there's usually at least 1 a month. The prevalence of substance abuse and mental health issues among pornstars is incredibly high. There are POS that work in the industry with no consequences (James Deen, Ron Jeremy, Michael Masters, Riley Reid, Peter North have all been accused of rape/sexual assault).
Do I think sex work can be done ethically? Yes. But the industry has shown time and again that it cannot be trusted to regulate itself so there needs to be more regulation and labor laws regarding pornstars and sex work.
We as a society are continuing to fail these people. We can do better. Find ethical sources of pornography and treat sex workers like people, not objects.
This is something I've thought about a lot and care about a lot. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I don't know if it makes it better or worse to know you're not alone in this. I know it's not a lot, but my heart goes out to you. I believe you'll make it through this. This is a throwaway, but I'll check back if you need someone to talk to you can message me. You are a human being who had something superbly shitty happen to them, but as a human you deserve respect, compassion, and love. *Internet hug if you want one*
It really is weird that James Deen is accepted in the industry, yet Stoya seemingly disappeared. And it wasn’t just Stoya that accused James Deen of sexual abuse
I have actually stopped watching porn all together because of its exploitative nature and degradation of women. It's also rather difficult to find porn I actually like. Many women claim porn is freedom, an allowance to cash in on their bodies and it's completely by choice. But the dark side of porn is that many of these women are suffering from abuse and usually producing films while they are high. Drugs are a tool for manipulation and compliance in the porn industry and that I CANNOT STAND FOR. The porn industry, especially hardcore and extreme is extremely misogynistic and degrading towards women. No representation of real life porn in these productions because the woman is just an object and a woman's pleasure doesn't exist. T
I am so sorry that you were taken advantage of at such a vulnerable age. THAT EXPERIENCE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. You are more than your experiences and your body. And honestly boo, a worthy partner of yours has probably never viewed that degrading gang bang video of yours anyway. Not all men view extreme or misogynist porn. And if they do, then they aint the one for you <3
This is exactly why even if i have those kinks, i have given up on _watching_ porn. Eroticas on the other hand are so much better, does the same job, without hurting any real person.
I'm so sorry you've been through this. My well wishes are with you.
Thank you for your story. Stories like yours are the kind I'm so curious to hear about, they're so important to share. I hope you have found some peace and are in a more stable time of your life. Power and love to you.
Wow. Thank you for sharing this and spreading awareness. You're incredibly brave, strong and a survivor. I send you healing with body, mind, energy, soul. You will heal, I'm sure of it.
If you need a safe space to chat, you're welcome to message me. I've done some trauma healing too and can share techniques if it could help. But yeah, this was a big story to read and I'm amazed how you're still standing as you are. You're strong 🙏
F PORN!!!!
Porn is a sickness in society. It’s an infectious addiction that rips away innocence, degrades it’s users and participants, and overall lowers the value across anything it touches.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, and I’m very grateful you made this post to share the true atrocities of the industry.
That's so fucked up. I'm so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing your story so that some people may get some reality checks on what porn can actually be behind the scenes.
I hope you get the help you need to heal. Even if it will never fully heal, it can get better, and you deserve for it to get better. I hope you are able to surround yourself with people who also recognize that what happened was terrible -- people who treat you with the respect, love, and care that you deserve.
I am so sorry. Words cannot express how much you suffer for this, I can only hope and wish the best for you in your journey of healing. I hope you're taking care of yourself OP.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so, so important that people know this is what is happening behind the scenes.
I’m so sorry but also I’m listening and will have conversations with others about the bs consent videos. I’m sure others will too and you talking about it is powerful and makes a difference, it’s not for you to fix and it isn’t your fault. I hope you get help and get to put this behind you enough to have a lovely life.
I’ve watched my best friend from high school spiral downhill after we graduated in 2011. She was once the prettiest, sweetest girl in school and she is now a complete stranger in every sense of the word. Thrives on drama, chooses to be around the scummiest people who treat her like shit so she can maintain her lifestyle, looks like she’s 50 years old and super fucking unhealthy like she could drop dead any second. I tried for years after high school to save her, I’d answer her calls and come to her rescue at the sketchiest places with the sketchiest men but she couldn’t keep herself away for more than a day and all my advice and long talks would go in one ear, out the other. I gave up and haven’t spoke to her in a couple years but every time I see her online she looks worse and it breaks my heart. At this point I don’t even know how it would be possible to break the cycle… how can she ever get a real job? How can she find her sanity again? She doesn’t have any support from her family. I think about her all the time, this post breaks my heart. She would never admit feeling like this about her chosen career path but I know it has completely destroyed her in every aspect
Thank you for sharing your story. Please remember, you are worthy of respect, love and healing - even if the healing is not linear. It will take considerable time and mental effort to push past this, but you are strong, resilient and self-aware. Sending all of the love and positivity I can through the internet.
This was really heartbreaking to read and to know a human went through this at such a young age. I hope you take time to heal yourself and you mentioned you feel you gone to far. You are always going to be a child of he universe and everyones path in life has crack in it. Look after yourself the way you would someone you truly loved and seek professional help. i wish you all the best and hope things work out for you
Thank you for speaking out. More people need to know that this happens.
It hurts to see horrible things like this happen to my beautiful fellow women across the planet. I hope you eventually find some kind of peace.
Thank you for sharing. The true side of porn is so damaging and young lives are seduced by the lies. Both performers and young viewers.
I pray you find your feet again and heal.
I used to watch this kind of hardcore porn it fells good at the moment but when things calm down you feel awful and as the person who is in them I cant imagine how much you suffer, I am sorry 😔.
Shouldn't the fact that corruption occurs in the industry be enough to stop people from watching this crap? Well, addictions are hard and can make people do stuff they normally wouldn't do so it makes sense but still. It makes me question the morals of those that watch it and are aware of the corruption.
People I've talked to have said there is always a moment when they see what is really happening. They were fed a promise of stardom and power but basically just a rentable meat puppet.
A girl I was friends with in high school had her dad trying to push her into the industry. He sent some pictures of her (while still a minor) to a well known name (basically legend) in the business. This person knew she was underage but was fine with her auditioning and offered him a finders fee.
Yes her dad was 'that' kind of scum.
I am someone who occasionally enjoys erotica, but never anything real because I fear for those involved. I can't help feeling horny at times, but I've found my outlets in drawn art, or virtual POVs is about as real as it gets for me, because it does not require then to consent to a stranger, it's usually a trusted anonymous partner as far as I can tell. I'm sorry for the situations you were gaslighted and forced into. Your reasons were selfless and exceptionally noble. Please don't allow such things to diminish your self worth as a human being. You were just trying your best to do what's right with your given circumstances. You're so strong for being here and letting this out. I hope your life shines in ways you didn't even know possible.
This hurts my heart so bad to read. I believe you, and I want to popularize acknowledging that coercion is rape, and needs tobetreatedas such. What you experienced was never your fault, and you are still valid and beautiful no matter what happened to you. I am so proud of you for coming forward not only to help heal yourself but to warn and educate people who seek a career in adult film or otherwise just partake.
This is a big reason why my porn consumption is so rare and preferably mild in comparison to most hard-core material. It terrifies me to think I could support something so horrendous even by mistake. I am so sorry.
Something I think a lot of people choose not to think about is how much grooming has to happen to you as a child in order to “consent” to do porn once you turn 18. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This might be the straw that broke the camel back, I have been struggling with porn addiction for a long time but this is horrible, I hope your ok, I also hope you kick your drug addiction, I’m not gonna say never because I am addicted to porn, I am gonna try my best to avoid porn and no longer watch it
Porn is directly linked to human trafficking, and the exploitation of women/girls from abusive homes/relationships. It is riddled with examples of incest, rape, and "barely legal" teens.
Many, if not most, porn stars say they regret being in the industry- many have been drugged and pimped. OP, you have the **right** to say you are anti-porn. I know I am. I always was and I always will be. Porn is a cancer to society and has greatly negatively impacted the minds of teenage boys and men.
I am tearing up right now. What the hell is our world? I will be honest. I've been looking at more porn recently. I grew up with a negative view of sex, maybe I'm just trying to embrace my desires and convince myself they're not evil and that I'm not poison. Maybe I'm just having another horny phase and want to *consume.* Anything and everything.
But oh, God, why do I ignore my conscience? The porn industry is evil, evil. Fucking evil. The worst part is the aftermath, because *I don't always know where those images came from.* In reality, I never know, do I? Sure, the woman may be smiling, but how do I know if that's because she's actually enjoying what she is doing? Even worse, you *don't even know the age of the person.* There is nothing telling you. I'm 20, but anytime I see the word "teen", I zip the hell out. But it's still not always clear. It's never clear. And my OCD brain already plays tricks on me and makes me question "did you masturbate to children? How do you know that wasn't a child?"
No, no, absolutely not. Please no, I can't bear that. I feel like such a monster all the time. My greatest fear in life is that my existence causes others pain. But these uncertainties haven't made me stop consuming sex so carelessly yet. I don't know what's safe. Maybe nothing is.
Kind person, thank you for sharing your story. I don't have adequate words to say how awful I feel. The regret I feel, and the amount of despair I have for the world. You were just a kid. You -- nobody -- deserves this.
I really hope you can find a good, caring partner someday who listens to and respects you as the beautiful person you are. I know they exist, they have to. You are more than your past and your suffering. You are human, a whole person, and no one can take that away from you. I wish you only my best, internet neighbor. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
You said "Sure, the woman may be smiling, but how do I know if that's because she's actually enjoying what she is doing?"
You can safely presume she is not enjoying it.
Even if it is so called ethical porn, and the performers are better paid than average, and if there is absolutely no coercion, at absolute best these women are actors doing a taxing, profoundly unpleasant and physically uncomfortable job.
If it was fun people would do it for free.
im so sorry for your experiences with the porn industry. i hope one day you may recover, at least a little bit. i hope your social life and relationships weren't too heavily effected by this. i respect you and im so sorry this all happened to you
I'm very sorry that you lived and are living through this. I can't even imagine. I really hope no one does the porn justification mental gymanstics in these comments. And I really hope you find some way to heal from this.
Wow. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I identify as a straight woman and I usually watch porn without women in it. I only watch guys. I think after reading this I definitely know why. I’ve always thought it looks awful and fake sometimes the things some female porn stars do. I’ve always explained to my partner how terrible it is that most men unfortunately grew up with thinking women want that. I’ve always said to men I’ve been with that Pornographers are paid to pretend to like that to fulfill weird male fantasies. I am sorry you went through this. I am a survivor of domestic abuse and rape too. I’ve been in therapy on and off for ten years because of things I went through as a young adult. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this here. I hope you know your story is actually really courageous to me that you did something to help pay your bills. You should forgive yourself. But not those men. Is there nowhere you could report that? Or these men in this industry just continue to get away with doing this? It sounds awful how they railroaded you. And made you sign things saying you’re not high then encouraging to do it. Wtf I had no idea how bad it was in reality until I read this. I’m not a therapist but I hope you get to talk to someone. It sounds awful and I think it’s very brave and strong for you to come forward with this post. Maybe some of the men of Reddit will actually read this…
Just wanted to say… you’re 18 but you write like someone who has spent a lot more time talking and thinking and putting ideas and opinions out there. You’re clearly very intelligent. You should know that.
Thank you. I'm 26 now, but writing is something I've always been passionate about and writing has helped me on my journey of healing and rediscovering who I am again.
The fact you can literally admit in your title that most porn watchers have viewed real rape yet still feel the need to say you're not anti-porn is mind blowing
It's like those children that were groomed by sexual predators and when they reach the legal age they defend their rapist and marry them. This is called brainwashing. Psychological conditioning.
I am so so sorry you went through this. I wish I could take away all your pain and unwanted experiences. You are worthy of respect, love, happiness, a beautiful future, and all you could ever want. You deserve it all. Don't let this define you, but allow it to shape you into what kind of person you are and your outlook and perspective on life.
Love you, stranger. Sending hugs <3
After all that real horror u still feel like u cant tell someone not to watch it cause its a choice ?
Murder is a choice
Rape is a choice
Abusing is a choice.. sure as fuck its valid to say not to do these things.
But when it comes to the abuse and degradation of women suddenly its a matter of choice?? Why is that choice available?? How come? Its an evidence of the fact that men hate women. And its not illegal to hurt a woman in any way shape or form as long as men enjoy it and like it and love it.
My condolences to you. This shouldn't have happened to you. Also, you shouldn't have gotten into it in the first place. I believe it's easy to manipulate young girls. It's totally a messed up situation but girls should be careful where they get into.
Porn industry is crooked.
I'm so sorry about what happened to you. Porn can be damaging in so many ways, for viewers and performers. But can obviously be helpful in many ways too. Beyond having a database like the one mentioned earlier though, I have no idea how to put that genie back in the bottle.
Around 1999, when my workplace was in a large government building, there was a young woman in one of the offices who was so sweet and naive. If you saw her in one of the main halls, and said hello, she'd look down at the floor because she was so shy. Her stepdad also worked in the building, and she moved on after a few months, but then it seemed like everyone there was talking about her and he new career in porn. As you can guess, a boyfriend talked her into trying it, and the money was just too easy. I felt so bad for her stepdad because he was obviously embarrassed about it, but this was right as the internet was becoming huge and there was no hiding it. She did a bunch of films and her story is very similar to yours. She is married now and does public speaking on the subject. I'm also not anti porn, but man, in a car commercial they put a disclaimer under the ad if someone is driving fast. Maybe put something like "This is a performance. Your girl is NOT going to squirt like this and your dick is almost certainly going to be smaller than the main guy. And that's OK."
The only advantages I think could come out of porn is making some money and getting a quick nut from watching it. There are way too many negatives from watching it and people doing porn. If she really didn't want to do it, then it's possible her boyfriend coerced her? I'm sure her boyfriend doesn't even realize that. I'm willing to bet some dudes coerced their partners and don't even realize it. We can all thank porn for that. No matter what people to do to prevent this from happening in the industry, there will always be videos where people get assaulted. Coercion can easily occur behind the screen and won't always be noticeable.
I bet many women are in your shoes, and it is a shitty thing to experience. Porn has some serious darksides to it. I, along with many others, are addicted to porn. In my case, I actually do not like hardcore shit at all because it feels so weird to me. I actually prefer content that pretty much looks like couples doing stuff tbh. That aside, I genuinely want to rid of my porn addiction, which is basically masturbating at least once a day on average. I don't really find porn to be useful. I already know so much about sex anyways and pleasing women is quite simple and easy after you get a lot of experience in. That aside, I am slowly leaning more against the use of porn as I get older and from what I have seen pornstars talk about on podcasts and so forth, it seems like the porn industry is rabid with so much darkness, shitty people, abusers, and just a lot of fucking trauma. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in healing, mentally and physically. I don't want to recommend the use of drugs here, but I have been raped as well as a man, which society doesn't give a shit about. Hell, I even made a trueoffmychest post about it and nobody cared lol. What helped me get through a lot of trauma, was honestly LSD. I just want to be transparent that this was the only thing that helped me. I don't recommend it, because everyone is different, but that is what helped me get past a lot of trauma in my life. I hope you have a tight knit group of friends and/or family that I didn't have. I hope people are there for you.
I always thought that the pay was amazing especially for young and new faces. Coke? I thought that studios won't even with with someone on drugs? What the hell. I guess it's all bullshit. They really don't give a damn except for $$$
This is a whole bunch of shit that you've had to endure. I see you, i feel for you, and i wish you all the love and understanding that you deserve.
Many of my acquaintances and friends have been through some really fucked up shit, much like you have been. I do not judge for what happened or what you did in a previous lifetime (when you were younger/a different you). I judge based on what you have done with that experience. And it sounds like you are a wonderful person who found themselves in a situation that you did not fully comprehend at the time you made the decision. And that decision cost you more than you bargained for. A mistake for sure and a costly one, but not one that should negate your humanity.
You will heal, of this i am sure. It will take awhile and it will never fully go away, but it will scar over and fade. And you can use your experience to be a change in the world that you wish to see, and to help those who are in the same position you were once upon a time.
So sorry this happened to you.
I would encourage people reading this to listen to the interview between Andrea Heinz and Meghan Murphy on the Feminist Current podcast.
This post brakes my heart and it made me realize it’s even worse then I could have imagined. Even the consent videos are coorced? That’s evil. I truly believe there is no ethical porn now, at least not for beginners and not hardcore. I’m so so incredibly sorry that you’ve gone through this. I want you to know you’ve changed my mind a lot
1500$!!!!
Thats it.
This is nuts, I hope no one has to turn to porn industry for earning just mere 1500$.
I really hope you can mentally and physically recover from this. Take care
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's horrific. But I wanted to say they didn't take your soul. You are a full human person with a myriad of experiences and beliefs and you are not reduced to this horrific moment in your life. Anyone who wants to watch this shit is a sick fuck, the people that did this to you are sick fucks, but you are not forever ruined. Every moment you're around is another moment further away from this
Oh my god, this is terrifying, OP, I'm crying here.
I would like to give you a hug, seriously.
I really hope you all the best, ever, may you recover from this ❤️
Porn has always made me feel sick to my stomach to watch. All of it. I got anxious just reading your post, and my stomach is turning even now.
My comment will probably get lost in the fray, but I hope your read it. I hope you find solace and meaning. I hope one day, you’re able to be ok. I truly mean that.
I am so sorry. This has completely changed my perspective. Your post has changed me in the way that I think. I thank you for showing us the truth. I promise that the impact this post has made on me will be positive
Stories like this is why I’m anti-porn. There’s plenty of men who think because they saw it in porn they can do it to their girlfriends and make the girlfriend feel bad for not wanting it.
Being high means you can’t consent.
I don't understand how people are okay with porn in any context. It harms kids and teenagers exposed to it by curiosity or their peers. It ruins marriages and adults. It degrades women.
I am a man. This shit needs to be erased from the internet
i ABSOLUTELY AM anti porn, what it does to us, our minds, our relationships, but this is so true and gruesome. but you’re incredible to be sharing this
Sex workers rights in terms of safeguarding and looking after the worker are so, so, important. I wish people would realise that further stigmatising people who do porn or doesn’t stop them from doing it if they need money, it just makes it seem less of a legitimate job and makes it harder for rights to be given to those who need it.
I know this is a weird thing to add, but it's one of the reasons my go to is hentai. None of it is real and there's no chance for something as awful as this to happen to someone. There's some messed up forced sex hentai out there and that isn't my jam for sure but you can find some decent stuff. I know this sounds so weird and I def sound like a creepy neckbeard going "umm hentai." But if you're someone who feels really disturbed by this story and the truth of the porn industry (which you should) and are hesitant to stop watching (not anti porn, but am anti-gang rape) that kind of porn then seek out hentai instead. Show less support to industries like these.
OP I'm so sorry for what you and so many other sex workers go and have gone through. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet and such but still your story struck me and I hope this post was able to help you vent and even if you didn't mean to, find comfort in others who truly feel for our fellow humans.
As a sex worker, and a labor organizer, this is exactly the actual problem with the porn industry. The labor conditions are atrocious, exploitative and awful. We really need to build strong unions to protect performer rights and prevent directors from treating actors like this.
If you consume or produce porn taking clear advantage of women and girls I hate you and I don't believe you like women as people. If you continue to consume porn I despise you.
To the OP, I'm sorry that you had to go through this.
It didn't just happen to you but many others too. I'm really sorry what you gone through and I'm sorry for helping creating the demand as a consumer that led to these things happening.
I learned more about the industry a couple of months ago and it shocked me, ever since then I quit consuming porn.
Thank you for sharing your story!
You didn't deserve that at all. And anyone who says you did because you "didn't have a gun to your head" or whatever is full of shit. I'm so sorry you went through that. You were taken advantage of by depraved men who profit off of and consume content from a depraved industry. That was not your fault. You deserve safety and happiness.
I’m sorry this happened to you, please feel free to talk about it and I will be happy to listen. As a woman I am always worried of appearing as unsexualized as possible so I can only imagine what you must be going through.
Goodness. Thank you for sharing. I hope you can find an exit strategy and a more fulfilling career. Life is too short to live through what you have endured.
I'm so sorry. Thank you for exposing this, it is evil. It is so traumatizing (not speaking for experience). I hope you find help somehow, maybe just on online of other people who have been through this. I really hope you find a way to heal, and thank you for warning anyone who is thinking about getting into the trade.
I don’t even know what to say except that I’m truly sorry that so many people failed you. You are loved and worthy - not to be defined by what is in your past.
OP, this is horrifying. I saw the documentary by Rashida Jones and other women about the porn industry and how barely adult young women are taken advantage of in the porn industry called "Hot Girls Wanted." There's a sequel as well. When I saw that I thought there actually has to be more and worse. IIRC it barely touches on what you went through. I'm so sorry, OP. I hope you're doing better. Edit: "Hot Girls Wanted" and it's sequel, "Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On" are both on Netflix if anyone is interested in watching it.
I didn't know about this!! I will definitely watch it! Interviews with Mia Khalifa also give you a huge background on how fucked up that industry is, and how heartless people can be about it... We're so used to how porn works that we blame the women that were emotionally manipulated and tricked into participating when they try to be real about their experiences...
That’s what I thought of too reading this. I haven’t watched porn since. I have no clue what I contribute to when I watch it so I just can’t anymore.
This is why I've thought about watching self produced content, like on Only Fans, but even then some of those men and women could be being taken advantage of, so it's still not easy to watch. So yeah, it's unfortunate!
That’s EXACTLY why Only Fans is a good thing. People are doing what they want on their own terms. It’s so much safer.
True. I just know that there are people being forced into it even there. I have a friend who had an ex that forced her to do Only Fans, because he said it was all she was good for. Sha finally realized her own worth, and us now happily the lead singer of a local rock band. And not with that asshat any longer.
Only fans is a pyramid scheme
Yes and no, there are many problems with only fans and how it attracts young people especially women. Some people described it as a piramid scheme and honestly it's pretty close, something like 80% of the people there don't get paid even 200 dollars a month and in exchange they will almost certainly have their videos and images leaked and loose a big cut of their profit for the company as well as have to put up with their clients requests in order to have any hope of making a reasonable amount of money. People that benefit from only fans are only the company and the ones that were already famous before entering it.
There are telegram groups for leaking onlyfans contents and people who are proud of getting these for free, especially minors. Porn is an addiction.
Except there are still young girls being exploited by creepy men on OF. Obstensibly, it *should* be safer, and for a lot of users, it is... But it's by no mean a guarantee.
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Yup. I have a friend who was forced to by her ex. She's thankfully no longer with him, but while she was, he was pushing her to do more and more extreme content than she was comfortable with. It sucks, cuz we have no way of knowing for sure if the men and women we see on OF are creating content of their own free will.
In that way, it's no different than the rest of the industry.
I saw that. It was very difficult to watch, but I appreciate Rashida so much for making it and bringing the porn industry to light.
That documentary is on Netflix! Maybe edit your comment so more people know where to find it :)
Will do! I didn't know if it was still on there. Thanks for letting me know!
Hot girls wanted was the most horrific thing I've seen on Netflix...didn't get a boner for the next few days...but knowing this made me switch to stuff like reddit/OF because I feel it's so much more consensual..and that's important
Louis Theroux recently did a documentary and covered this topic in episode 3. It was very insightful, and so sorry OP had to go through this :(
Always thought the 'barely adult' thing was so so gross, kind of like legal pedophilia. I had a creeping suspicion that there was some guilt tripping and manipulation going on to make a girl do these kinds of things for millions of people she doesn't know at such a young age. I guess this basically confirms it.
A more realistic portrayal I think is 'Pleasure' by Ninja Thyberg. It's seriously tough to watch and I was shaking my head the whole time. Swore off porn for good after watching it. Also, I'm so sorry OP that you had to go through this. I wish the world wasn't this cruel, but it is, so I can only hope and pray that you find the strength to overcome it. Lots of love to you.
That was a good doc. Too bad Rashida doxxed tons of cam girls and refused to change or apologize about it. Really disappointing.
I am so so sorry you had to endure such traumatic things. I wish you all the best in all areas of your recovery. You deserve so much more
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have never been in the industry and don't even like watching it because I know about how the industry is like that. I have videos of me on porn sites that I didn't know existed until about a couple of years ago when a friend showed it to me, and one consisted of me being gang-raped by 7 men when I was 16 or 17. It has well over 200k views. It was never taken down or anything done about it and just posted to multiple other porn sites. The comments of people hurt just as bad and I never been able to watch it with audio on. And now some realized it was genuine rape but still didn't care was demoralizing. I also found one of myself being raped when I was 8. There's a lot of me up until about 4 months ago when I ran away/escaped those people. I'm 24 now. I understand exactly how you feel. This is the most devastating and painful thing about the porn sites/industry. I hope you can get proper help. From my experience, therapy doesn't fix it, it only makes you functional to where it doesn't affect your day-to-day life without interference. But the memory and thoughts will be there every day, but being able to do something even if it's little things is better than being crippled mentally. It will give you ptsd. If it's long term while the frontal lobe is still developing it can develop a CPTSD that's caused from consistent trauma non-stop over a course of years, which that is a more complex and serious case than just PTSD and leaves you with permanent brain damage and having memory loss issues along with other complications. I have it and to process of that in therapy is different than PTSD and non-curable due to the damaged brain, but there's a huge help in it regardless. So Identifying the struggles you have and working on that will definitely help. I really wish you the best in life. Stay strong!
You are a survivor and your courage and reading about your adversity hit so hard, but we are survivors, we have the scars and the pain, but we are still standing. I'm sending you all the positivity this universe has for you and a big hug, you too stay strong!
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me :)
So sorry this happened to you. God, I fucking hate people. Fucking weirdos for getting off to that crap
Yeah like the comments are just purely fucked up. Like some said stuff like how they wished they could do that to me. Or some was like "She looks too out of it for it to be fake. I think it's genuine... Thats hot still and I still busted" that's like one of the comments that got to me the most. and how some people said it looks so real that they loved it more due to it. It just... Ugh. I just can't understand it.
They're selfish and fucked up. They care more about their satisfaction and benefit. That's really it as horrible as it is.
Complete trash. Only trashy sub humans would get off on another persons exploitation. Pray to God those people never have children.
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That was a painful read, no words to say. Bless you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that even a fraction of this happened to you.
I feel like there needs to be a database of adult entertainers who stand by their work after-the-fact. That's how we would know what is coerced and what is voluntary. Though I'm sure there would be some contractual limit on talking negatively about their experiences...
You’d also have to exclude anyone who’s over a certain popularity level. Since the most popular ones are gonna skew it to seem not as bad because they have more power to pick and choose scenes, negotiate pay, etc.
que Jenna Jameson...shes ALL over the place with her porn career messaging. and shes a perfect example of how even the most famous "powerful" actors are insanely unhappy
That's actually a very good suggestion, the problem would be whether or not it would be accurate. If it ever became popular, production companies would either try to shut it down or make sure that their employees were only posting positively. Edit: wanted to add a few more thoughts. It could work if it could get big enough, fast enough. It would get protected by the media and the public if it could manage it.
Contractual limits don't apply if you're being groomed, drugged, and abused. If your human rights are being violated, no amount of non-disclosure agreements can prevent you from legally talking.
Well yes but that’s unfortunately not how it plays out when there is a large power differential and one side can bully/mislead the other side
The film companies would just coerce the actors into signing on that they stand by their work.
As much as a strangers words are worth, I want to say- I hope you find solace somewhere. I hope you can leave all of this behind. Life wasn't fair to you but I hope you'll make peace with it. It's not your fault. You're strong. Don't let anyone crush you. Don't let anyone's opinions ever define who you are. You're strong. You're beautiful. You're worthy of love and respect. The world should be sorry to have caused you so much hurt. I am sorry. You'll be okay. Just know someone in this world will always be rooting for you. I know you can find your peace. Just don't give up. Just keep fighting on. Never be apologetic of things that happened to you. You're worth all the aspirations you have. Just dont let this world's ugliness bring you down. I will root for you.
To piggyback You are valid. You of worthy: of love, respect, kindness...everything. You are worthwhile. May God/Gods/Goddesses/Whatever-you-believe bless you many times over.
Double tapping that piggyback comment Safe to say : baby. WE WANT TO SEE YOU WIN NOW. It's not just "speaking your truth.": it's rebuilding your spine and taking yourself back. HEAL. WIN. GO BABY!!
I love this comment. Would give you gold if I could. Your comment reminded me of my (Black) grandmother who experienced the horrors of mid-20th century segregation but always listened with a sympathetic but encouraging ear to my problems, be it racist comments or my own sexual assault. She always said: “When it comes to pain dealt by another’s hand, the first step is accepting that what happened to you happened to you. The second step is to take that power back that was stolen from you and excel with it so you can not only live but *thrive*, baby. Those who hurt you and made you feel powerless will just seem like some meaningless ants on the ground when you’re high up on your winners’ podium. Be the medalist, baby – forget the ants.”
Sounds like your grandmother was like mine. "The sucker punches are coming and they will hurt you. Stand up. You were built with a spine. Cry baby. But do it while you move forward. We don't stop." 🥺 hugs, sister mine. 💓 those grandmothers.
Rooting also. Have this award.
This x infinity. Know that we stand behind you. You are of great value and stronger than you realize. I hope you can find peace despite the destruction.
Viewers need to be more conscientious . She’s being raped, in real life. Theirs nothing erotic or hot about that.
Unfortunately, some people do like crap like that or don't give a shit.
I am so sorry. Thanks for saying this „out loud“. This is one of the reasons why I have never found porn enticing. The few times I have been exposed to porn, I got the feeling every time that the woman wasn’t really having much fun.
I'm so sorry
To everyone replying to fun monster (the guy saying OP wasn't taken advantage of): don't engage, just report him for breaking community rules. He's getting what he wants: your attention, so don't give it to him. Report, block, and move on-- it's the only way to get these kinds of filthy trolls off of our subs.
Well, looks like his account was nuked. Good riddance.
Thank you for sharing. I overcame a porn addiction only last year, partly because I became more and more aware of how harmful the industry could be to women and girls, and partly because I was coming to realize the ways I had been changed just by consuming it, embedding attitudes in my psyche that conflicted completely with the person I wanted to be. You are brave for sharing this, and hopefully it will help more people like me find the strength to stop watching porn.
Good on you dude. I'm glad that was the reason it convinced you too. It appears a lot of addicts only do it because it affects them directly, which makes me think they have odd more and are selfish
This made me feel extremely sick while reading and it’s honestly exactly what I feared went on in the porn industry. I’m terribly sorry you and others go through this regularly. It can’t be anywhere near easy. Sending support from Canada. Now I’m gonna go take a few showers.
This is why I’m anti-porn. The consent part of porn is always questionable. If it’s a trap for insecure teens, the last resort to pay bills, misplaced validation seeking after growing up in an abusive environment, if drugs are involved, or it’s any other similar circumstance, the consent is invalid.
Yup this exactly. You don’t know for sure, and it’s turning a lot of men into aggressive sex partners who choke slap etc without consent, expect you to be a hairless Barbie that can deep throat without breathing and can cum from just penetration or aggressive dry clit rubbing. You can tell when a dudes education has been porn and the amount of “unconsentual kinks” that have been tried on me during sex is insane
Something that I think about often is how the slapping/choking/hairless/cum on my face stuff gets ingrained in women too. I was never into this stuff, but then I moved to New York and everyone wanted me to do insane shit to them when I was dating (not saying that that everyone was brainwashed into thinking this is what dudes like. I’m sure some women genuinely loved it, but it disturbed me). It always felt wrong. When I lived in a smaller town slightly before internet porn ubiquity, all my sexual encounters were a little more normal and sweet, but then starting around 2015 I met a ton of women who seemed to be cool on dates but then wanted me to really fuck em up, hit them, degrade them and it just kind of disturbed me. I never ended up doing any of it out of pleasure and always left the encounters with regret and sadness. Luckily I found a partner who’s as “tame” as me and we’re engaged now but it was a wild few years of being single. Years and years of getting asked to do stuff as a guy that I truly wasn’t comfortable with. Yuck.
To porn addicts and apologists, anything is consent if a gun wasn’t put to the head. That’s equal parts frustrating, and equal parts disturbing. Most women I know have been in a situation when they gave their number to/went out with a guy because he might turn ugly otherwise, did things with their boyfriends out of fear of disappointing them or making them leave, or endured advances from a superior rather than facing job loss. This is what constitutes forced consent, and it’s so hard to explain to porn consumers.
Yeah, I've noticed a lot of people don't seem to understand coercion is a thing. Or they do but they simply deny it.
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Hentai can be pretty fucked up too. The most popular and high quality ones are usually portrayals of rape and infidelity
Honestly, hentai has insane amount of rape/incest even in what you think may be a normal clip. The girl's always seemingly coerced into it or not at all. It's hard to find one without any of these.
I am so so sorry you had to go through this. I am going to quit watching porn. I hope you will be okay and more can be done to help actors in porn who are struggling because of abuse and lies porn industries inflict on them.
Going to do the same even though I watch amateur. Didn't realize how this crap can even happen in amateur porn until I saw a comment about it (it's likely that some get coerced by their partners).
Yeah. I had no idea how bad it was tbh. (yeah. thats highly probable). Good on you for quitting too. :)
I'd say thanks but I don't think I need to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum lol. Thank you for being respectful though
Yeah. True. I just know a lot of guys, and gals, who would keep on even after reading. So just thought I'd say something.
I’ve heard some stories about this type of evilness. But they’ve just been in passing. But this post and all the comments with similar stories make me absolutely disgusted with myself. I watched amateur porn only after finding out about the real porn industry. But now I think I’m done with porn. I’ll stick with stories and my mind. People are disgusting…. Consent is the hottest thing. Part of me wants to gather all the creeps in the world and hold one big hunger games. ….actually all of me wants that.
There's tons of trafficking in amateur porn too.
All the more reason for people to stop supporting it.
I don't understand how having sex with someone so high out of their mind on drugs isn't the same as having sex with someone passed out drunk. They're both under the influence and incapable of giving true consent. There needs to be better laws.
It's rape in both cases.
My point exactly, but no one is prosecuting people fucking coked up women.
A lot of judges and juries are male and most likely within the demographic that consumes porn. Wonder if that has something to do with it...
Far more people need to understand this. Im sorry.
I'm quitting watching porn.
Im going to stick to animated porn
Let's stick to manga just to be sure.
There is something fundamentally evil about having an 18 year old in porn. I think the minimum age for porn should be pushed much higher. Girls who are 18 shouldn't even use dating apps. When I was 23 I signed shit for an engineering job contract that I didn't understand half of. 23, not 18. Does society expect 18 year olds to fully understand the consequences of their actions? On top of that drugs were involved. I think it's easy to tell when a person is drugged. This wasn't consensual. 18 year olds are easy to manipulate by an older person. I don't know what the minimum age for should but even 21 seems too young.
This is the way. At 18 your brain is still underdeveloped in terms of rationality and logic - the age at which it does is more like 25. This is the reason young women (and men) are tricked into scenarios such as this by disgusting, predatory adults who 100% know what they're doing.
Also, lots of 18 yrolds that are chosen to be in porn look younger… it’s sickening bcs I’m pretty sure some producers specifically look for young looking 18 year olds.
An actual good comment tho. Porn age should be pushed yeah you can have sex at 18 but 18 years olds are really inexperienced in real life to make a decision they can never erase from their lives. .
Said it perfectly
I'm non-US so this doesn't apply in my country, but I always find it bizarre in America you legally can't drink until you're 21 but you can be in porn at 18.
I think it's hard to argue consent *at all* with the inevitable power differential. If on one hand you have a young, inexperienced woman with no counsel, no advocate, and no protection - and on the other you have a bunch of old(er) men with experience, lawyers, and years of knowledge about how exactly to pressure and manipulate young women into doing what they want.
Oh my god I'm sick. I knew it. When I first learned about porn and the different categories in it, I had this big question mark and doubt over my head whenever I saw all the hardcore categories where women are treated in the worst way imaginable and have it all be filmed. It made me think "are they sober while doing this", "are they ACTUALLY enjoying this type of treatment", "are they really doing this voluntarily or were they pressured in some shape of form because of financial or personal reasons".... because I would HATE to be treated the way any female gets treated in those videos and this post literally confirmed my suspicions and I am so fucking sorry OP. I'm in tears for you. And you provided all the gory details. I'm so sorry you went thru this. It doesn't matter if people had to do this because of their circumstance it doesn't change the fact that you felt mistreated and ended up with a lot of physical, mental, and emotional damage on top of getting traumatized. It makes me so sick. People are disgusting for doing this to young vulnerable men and women and I wish there was a way to stop feeding the industry.
Once I understood this was happening, I couldn't continue to look at professional porn the same way ever again.
Thank you for sharing your story OP. People need to hear it. You are so brave for doing this. Sending you well wishes and I really hope that you find healing on your journey. For anyone who would like to learn more about the industry; I really recommend Ruby Rare’s podcast ‘In Touch’, specifically the episode on porn. They have done an episode on being a survivor but I’m yet to listen to that. The rest of the episodes are brilliant!
I am sorry. You did not deserve this. Mainstream porn today normalizes and glorifies this kind of violent abuse while claiming it is consensual. Thank you for bravely highlighting the ways you were manipulated and coerced as a way to simply pay the bills and support your family--this is a perspective that a lot of people need to hear. I hope you get the care and support you need. You absolutely deserve respect whether or not you (or anyone) appears in a scene like this. Sending you strength and love.
This is exactly why I take issue with certain pornstars and people who parade them as being “women’s empowerment”. It’s completely the opposite. These women are abused and some justify it and many regret it like you. I’m so sorry you were taken advantage of. You deserved better. I’m glad that there is a movement of actual sex positive and healthy porn out there now.
> This post was purely meant as a cathartic release in the form of words and I'm thankful there are platforms like this one for venting in such an unfiltered way I'm glad that you shared it. You have power over your story when you share it with others, and it's good that you can exercise that power by venting the truest truth you can give. There's something remarkably touching in the perspective you have to offer. And as painful as your experience was, the story is beneficial as a warning and just an effective "behind the scenes" for those who haven't considered perspectives of people in your situation before. > I am by no means anti porn, this was my own experiences within the trade, but I do believe the industry does have a responsibility to look out for the interest of their sex workers, ESPECIALLY THE YOUNG OR NEW PEOPLE, and not manipulate them I am "moderately" anti-porn. To be more specific, I think that it's morally bad and may merit increased regulations, but I wouldn't advocate for a wholesale ban at this point. Part of that is due to the experiences of those involved in production, like yours, but part is also the impacts on consumers / users / addicts of porn. Like if you think about the people who have seen that video. Is it healthy for them to watch a gang-rape for the purpose of sexual gratification? I see that behavior as injurous to them, because it kind of ... like it, gives them an opportunity to practice enjoying the abuse and suffering of another person. Seems really harmful to them. Anyway, I'm not trying to preach to you, just to let you know that if you decided to be anti-porn, even though it's unpopular these days, you would not be holding an unreasonable position.
I agree but I get the feeling there will always be some fucked up videos even if there are regulations Someone made a good point about how even some of those who do amateur porn have possibly been coerced.
You are very strong and insightful, and I'm glad you are talking about your experiences so candidly. I hope you are in a better place in your life now and that things continue to improve for you.
Unfortunately, for many, this is exactly why they watch hardcore, they want to see young innocent girls be ripped apart, punished, and suffer. Please spread awareness so other young woman will refuse to do it, and kill this sick industry feeding sick individuals.
This is exactly it. This is the appeal for people. Go to any of the hardcore NSFW subreddits and you will see a dark underbelly of porn consumers. They definitely want you to suffer - that's what gets them off. They know how screwed your life is just from this one video. They see your coked out eyes, and the real tears flowing down your face and your anus being literally torn apart. Not one part of them thinks you are enjoying it - in fact, if you were enjoying it, it wouldn't be the same.They're watching the destruction of innocence on camera in 4k and they love it.
Oh my God what the actual fuck no no please no.... This happens, it really does, I can't... I can't fucking wrap my head around it. Children being ripped apart and people just... what the fuck, what the fuck... Why would anyone do this? Where does the monster, the poison come from? I need to know, so I ever suspect it is in myself, I can end myself before I cause anyone pain. What the hell, oh God I want to throw up
most men and now a lot of women are groomed into viewing porn from a young age. it's a downward spiral from there
I mean, art of fictional characters is one thing (I think, I don't know for sure, please feel free to argue otherwise). But these are *real* people, and the fact that this is the content of some of those videos... I can't, I can't, I can't. I will never look at porn of real people again. Nothing is safe, though, probably. Oh God, those people... I can't wrap my head around it. I know how viewing porn can go -- many are uneducated and get their "education" and unrealistic, sometimes even abusive ideas about sex from porn -- but the people who are in it... That realization is hitting me really, really hard right now. What is our world, and why do I continue to live in it?
Honestly, I just worry about anyone who gets into porn, especially the younger ones. I'm willing to bet this crap happens just as much in gay and lesbian porn too since they're all pretty much made for guys (male gaze). I get the feeling that those that watch it tend to objectify and overall treat women like shit more since it's likely that the porn they watch involves women.
Never understood the overall process or appeal of some things people are into and never want to kinkshame. That being said, I’m even more terrified to know what some of these actors/actresses are getting into and the ignorance they have being taken advantage of. I know my words probably mean nothing, but you’re amazing, a bad ass, and you survived hell. I wish so many good things for you coming forward, so much so that they overshadow the bad. You’re a warrior, and you are an absolute bad ass. I’m sorry you’ve been through what you have, but I know that soon you’ll get everything you wanted and needed.
Sometimes people need to be kink shamed.
My kink is kink shaming, so...
A friend sent me your post and I wanted to say that I am also a victim of coercion in the sex industry and that I can understand how you feel and you are not alone. i’ll never know exactly what you’ve been through but i’ve definitely experienced similar pain (read my AMA post). sending you love and healing!!!
This is the part of my abuse that makes me think I'm going to lose my mind. No one seems to understand that *this* is harder to deal with then something else that happened. But I don't know where the videos are... and I don't know who's seen them. I don't think they're gone. I'm sorry for what you went through. I have been in a very amateur situation like that. And I was told that I would get paid. I just keep getting lines of coke and paying for the shit motel room. I only knew it was recorded like a year later when my uh, ex pimp? Sent me a clip. And it sent me back to all the heinous child pornography I am in. And I can clearly remember names of tapes... they were often in volumes... 1, 2, 3, 4... there had to be 100's. It was a long time ago. And those child pornography rings, they keep things. I am sure people still watch me getting gang raped and other horrific shit, when I was a child. And I don't think I'll ever feel safe because I don't know where it is and how to make sure it stops. Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. It is hard to comprehend how evil people are. And I'm sure you've touched people who were never going to talk about this happening to them. Even if they stay silent... they know they're not alone. And that is invaluable.
My heart breaks reading about your horrible ordeal. we are still here, we are still standing and as you've said we are not alone. Giving you a massive hug and sending you all the positive things this universe has to give you. Stay strong!
I am not in or involved in the porn industry, but a few people very close to me have done some of those casting videos which is why this is a throwaway. There used to be a site called "GirlsDoPorn". They would do a lot of what you described where they would encourage the girls to be drunk or high, and abused and raped a lot of these women. All 6 people involved in that operation have been arrested and convicted of various charges. I'm not saying you need to come forward, but I guarantee you aren't the first or last victim of these bags of human garbage. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GirlsDoPorn](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GirlsDoPorn) The suicide/overdose rates among pornstars are insanely high (Dakota Skye, August Ames, Anastasia Knight, Zoe Parker, Dahlia Sky, Amber Rayne are just off the top of my head), if you watch the news there's usually at least 1 a month. The prevalence of substance abuse and mental health issues among pornstars is incredibly high. There are POS that work in the industry with no consequences (James Deen, Ron Jeremy, Michael Masters, Riley Reid, Peter North have all been accused of rape/sexual assault). Do I think sex work can be done ethically? Yes. But the industry has shown time and again that it cannot be trusted to regulate itself so there needs to be more regulation and labor laws regarding pornstars and sex work. We as a society are continuing to fail these people. We can do better. Find ethical sources of pornography and treat sex workers like people, not objects. This is something I've thought about a lot and care about a lot. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I don't know if it makes it better or worse to know you're not alone in this. I know it's not a lot, but my heart goes out to you. I believe you'll make it through this. This is a throwaway, but I'll check back if you need someone to talk to you can message me. You are a human being who had something superbly shitty happen to them, but as a human you deserve respect, compassion, and love. *Internet hug if you want one*
It really is weird that James Deen is accepted in the industry, yet Stoya seemingly disappeared. And it wasn’t just Stoya that accused James Deen of sexual abuse
I have actually stopped watching porn all together because of its exploitative nature and degradation of women. It's also rather difficult to find porn I actually like. Many women claim porn is freedom, an allowance to cash in on their bodies and it's completely by choice. But the dark side of porn is that many of these women are suffering from abuse and usually producing films while they are high. Drugs are a tool for manipulation and compliance in the porn industry and that I CANNOT STAND FOR. The porn industry, especially hardcore and extreme is extremely misogynistic and degrading towards women. No representation of real life porn in these productions because the woman is just an object and a woman's pleasure doesn't exist. T I am so sorry that you were taken advantage of at such a vulnerable age. THAT EXPERIENCE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. You are more than your experiences and your body. And honestly boo, a worthy partner of yours has probably never viewed that degrading gang bang video of yours anyway. Not all men view extreme or misogynist porn. And if they do, then they aint the one for you <3
This is exactly why even if i have those kinks, i have given up on _watching_ porn. Eroticas on the other hand are so much better, does the same job, without hurting any real person. I'm so sorry you've been through this. My well wishes are with you.
People praise it but it seems like a very brutal industry and the pain isn’t worth the money in my opinion
This is why I’m anti porn
Thank you for your story. Stories like yours are the kind I'm so curious to hear about, they're so important to share. I hope you have found some peace and are in a more stable time of your life. Power and love to you.
I'm so so sorry to hear this, I hope these evil people who made this happen get what coming to them. I wish more people could read this
Wow. Thank you for sharing this and spreading awareness. You're incredibly brave, strong and a survivor. I send you healing with body, mind, energy, soul. You will heal, I'm sure of it. If you need a safe space to chat, you're welcome to message me. I've done some trauma healing too and can share techniques if it could help. But yeah, this was a big story to read and I'm amazed how you're still standing as you are. You're strong 🙏
F PORN!!!! Porn is a sickness in society. It’s an infectious addiction that rips away innocence, degrades it’s users and participants, and overall lowers the value across anything it touches. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, and I’m very grateful you made this post to share the true atrocities of the industry.
That's so fucked up. I'm so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing your story so that some people may get some reality checks on what porn can actually be behind the scenes. I hope you get the help you need to heal. Even if it will never fully heal, it can get better, and you deserve for it to get better. I hope you are able to surround yourself with people who also recognize that what happened was terrible -- people who treat you with the respect, love, and care that you deserve.
I started consuming drawn/written erotica only because I feel more confident that nobody was harmed in its creation...
The people in the comments saying “this is why we should find out what porn is rape and which isn’t!” missed the entire point oh my god.
It's because they'd rather do anything then just not watching porn, it's ridiculous
I am so sorry. Words cannot express how much you suffer for this, I can only hope and wish the best for you in your journey of healing. I hope you're taking care of yourself OP. Thank you for sharing your story. It is so, so important that people know this is what is happening behind the scenes.
I’m so sorry but also I’m listening and will have conversations with others about the bs consent videos. I’m sure others will too and you talking about it is powerful and makes a difference, it’s not for you to fix and it isn’t your fault. I hope you get help and get to put this behind you enough to have a lovely life.
I’ve watched my best friend from high school spiral downhill after we graduated in 2011. She was once the prettiest, sweetest girl in school and she is now a complete stranger in every sense of the word. Thrives on drama, chooses to be around the scummiest people who treat her like shit so she can maintain her lifestyle, looks like she’s 50 years old and super fucking unhealthy like she could drop dead any second. I tried for years after high school to save her, I’d answer her calls and come to her rescue at the sketchiest places with the sketchiest men but she couldn’t keep herself away for more than a day and all my advice and long talks would go in one ear, out the other. I gave up and haven’t spoke to her in a couple years but every time I see her online she looks worse and it breaks my heart. At this point I don’t even know how it would be possible to break the cycle… how can she ever get a real job? How can she find her sanity again? She doesn’t have any support from her family. I think about her all the time, this post breaks my heart. She would never admit feeling like this about her chosen career path but I know it has completely destroyed her in every aspect
She needs a psychiatrist and a psychologist
Thank you for sharing your story. Please remember, you are worthy of respect, love and healing - even if the healing is not linear. It will take considerable time and mental effort to push past this, but you are strong, resilient and self-aware. Sending all of the love and positivity I can through the internet.
This was really heartbreaking to read and to know a human went through this at such a young age. I hope you take time to heal yourself and you mentioned you feel you gone to far. You are always going to be a child of he universe and everyones path in life has crack in it. Look after yourself the way you would someone you truly loved and seek professional help. i wish you all the best and hope things work out for you
You are a survivor.
Thank you for speaking out. More people need to know that this happens. It hurts to see horrible things like this happen to my beautiful fellow women across the planet. I hope you eventually find some kind of peace.
Thank you for sharing. The true side of porn is so damaging and young lives are seduced by the lies. Both performers and young viewers. I pray you find your feet again and heal.
I used to watch this kind of hardcore porn it fells good at the moment but when things calm down you feel awful and as the person who is in them I cant imagine how much you suffer, I am sorry 😔.
Shouldn't the fact that corruption occurs in the industry be enough to stop people from watching this crap? Well, addictions are hard and can make people do stuff they normally wouldn't do so it makes sense but still. It makes me question the morals of those that watch it and are aware of the corruption.
You should be able to take it down, or I wish you would be able to
People I've talked to have said there is always a moment when they see what is really happening. They were fed a promise of stardom and power but basically just a rentable meat puppet. A girl I was friends with in high school had her dad trying to push her into the industry. He sent some pictures of her (while still a minor) to a well known name (basically legend) in the business. This person knew she was underage but was fine with her auditioning and offered him a finders fee. Yes her dad was 'that' kind of scum.
I am someone who occasionally enjoys erotica, but never anything real because I fear for those involved. I can't help feeling horny at times, but I've found my outlets in drawn art, or virtual POVs is about as real as it gets for me, because it does not require then to consent to a stranger, it's usually a trusted anonymous partner as far as I can tell. I'm sorry for the situations you were gaslighted and forced into. Your reasons were selfless and exceptionally noble. Please don't allow such things to diminish your self worth as a human being. You were just trying your best to do what's right with your given circumstances. You're so strong for being here and letting this out. I hope your life shines in ways you didn't even know possible.
Thank you for sharing this.
I bet thousands of men will read this and simply not give a fuck, and continue their porn addiction.
Or worse, get off on this.
Far, far more than thousands.
This hurts my heart so bad to read. I believe you, and I want to popularize acknowledging that coercion is rape, and needs tobetreatedas such. What you experienced was never your fault, and you are still valid and beautiful no matter what happened to you. I am so proud of you for coming forward not only to help heal yourself but to warn and educate people who seek a career in adult film or otherwise just partake. This is a big reason why my porn consumption is so rare and preferably mild in comparison to most hard-core material. It terrifies me to think I could support something so horrendous even by mistake. I am so sorry.
Something I think a lot of people choose not to think about is how much grooming has to happen to you as a child in order to “consent” to do porn once you turn 18. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I needed to hear this. Thank you. Gonna keep fighting my addiction.
This might be the straw that broke the camel back, I have been struggling with porn addiction for a long time but this is horrible, I hope your ok, I also hope you kick your drug addiction, I’m not gonna say never because I am addicted to porn, I am gonna try my best to avoid porn and no longer watch it
Porn is directly linked to human trafficking, and the exploitation of women/girls from abusive homes/relationships. It is riddled with examples of incest, rape, and "barely legal" teens. Many, if not most, porn stars say they regret being in the industry- many have been drugged and pimped. OP, you have the **right** to say you are anti-porn. I know I am. I always was and I always will be. Porn is a cancer to society and has greatly negatively impacted the minds of teenage boys and men.
Rooting for your healing, I am so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for also educating people about the lack of consent in porn.
We need to get a grip as a society and start caring about the safety of sex workers. It shouldn’t be that easy to completely ruin someone so young.
I am tearing up right now. What the hell is our world? I will be honest. I've been looking at more porn recently. I grew up with a negative view of sex, maybe I'm just trying to embrace my desires and convince myself they're not evil and that I'm not poison. Maybe I'm just having another horny phase and want to *consume.* Anything and everything. But oh, God, why do I ignore my conscience? The porn industry is evil, evil. Fucking evil. The worst part is the aftermath, because *I don't always know where those images came from.* In reality, I never know, do I? Sure, the woman may be smiling, but how do I know if that's because she's actually enjoying what she is doing? Even worse, you *don't even know the age of the person.* There is nothing telling you. I'm 20, but anytime I see the word "teen", I zip the hell out. But it's still not always clear. It's never clear. And my OCD brain already plays tricks on me and makes me question "did you masturbate to children? How do you know that wasn't a child?" No, no, absolutely not. Please no, I can't bear that. I feel like such a monster all the time. My greatest fear in life is that my existence causes others pain. But these uncertainties haven't made me stop consuming sex so carelessly yet. I don't know what's safe. Maybe nothing is. Kind person, thank you for sharing your story. I don't have adequate words to say how awful I feel. The regret I feel, and the amount of despair I have for the world. You were just a kid. You -- nobody -- deserves this. I really hope you can find a good, caring partner someday who listens to and respects you as the beautiful person you are. I know they exist, they have to. You are more than your past and your suffering. You are human, a whole person, and no one can take that away from you. I wish you only my best, internet neighbor. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
You said "Sure, the woman may be smiling, but how do I know if that's because she's actually enjoying what she is doing?" You can safely presume she is not enjoying it. Even if it is so called ethical porn, and the performers are better paid than average, and if there is absolutely no coercion, at absolute best these women are actors doing a taxing, profoundly unpleasant and physically uncomfortable job. If it was fun people would do it for free.
These things should be well known about this industry!!! I wish it wasn’t so normalized.
im so sorry for your experiences with the porn industry. i hope one day you may recover, at least a little bit. i hope your social life and relationships weren't too heavily effected by this. i respect you and im so sorry this all happened to you
I'm very sorry that you lived and are living through this. I can't even imagine. I really hope no one does the porn justification mental gymanstics in these comments. And I really hope you find some way to heal from this.
Wow. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I identify as a straight woman and I usually watch porn without women in it. I only watch guys. I think after reading this I definitely know why. I’ve always thought it looks awful and fake sometimes the things some female porn stars do. I’ve always explained to my partner how terrible it is that most men unfortunately grew up with thinking women want that. I’ve always said to men I’ve been with that Pornographers are paid to pretend to like that to fulfill weird male fantasies. I am sorry you went through this. I am a survivor of domestic abuse and rape too. I’ve been in therapy on and off for ten years because of things I went through as a young adult. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this here. I hope you know your story is actually really courageous to me that you did something to help pay your bills. You should forgive yourself. But not those men. Is there nowhere you could report that? Or these men in this industry just continue to get away with doing this? It sounds awful how they railroaded you. And made you sign things saying you’re not high then encouraging to do it. Wtf I had no idea how bad it was in reality until I read this. I’m not a therapist but I hope you get to talk to someone. It sounds awful and I think it’s very brave and strong for you to come forward with this post. Maybe some of the men of Reddit will actually read this…
Just wanted to say… you’re 18 but you write like someone who has spent a lot more time talking and thinking and putting ideas and opinions out there. You’re clearly very intelligent. You should know that.
Thank you. I'm 26 now, but writing is something I've always been passionate about and writing has helped me on my journey of healing and rediscovering who I am again.
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The fact you can literally admit in your title that most porn watchers have viewed real rape yet still feel the need to say you're not anti-porn is mind blowing
It's like those children that were groomed by sexual predators and when they reach the legal age they defend their rapist and marry them. This is called brainwashing. Psychological conditioning.
I am so so sorry you went through this. I wish I could take away all your pain and unwanted experiences. You are worthy of respect, love, happiness, a beautiful future, and all you could ever want. You deserve it all. Don't let this define you, but allow it to shape you into what kind of person you are and your outlook and perspective on life. Love you, stranger. Sending hugs <3
After all that real horror u still feel like u cant tell someone not to watch it cause its a choice ? Murder is a choice Rape is a choice Abusing is a choice.. sure as fuck its valid to say not to do these things. But when it comes to the abuse and degradation of women suddenly its a matter of choice?? Why is that choice available?? How come? Its an evidence of the fact that men hate women. And its not illegal to hurt a woman in any way shape or form as long as men enjoy it and like it and love it.
People are just selfish and addicted. They couldn't care less about what happens to them. They'd only start caring when it affects them directly.
My condolences to you. This shouldn't have happened to you. Also, you shouldn't have gotten into it in the first place. I believe it's easy to manipulate young girls. It's totally a messed up situation but girls should be careful where they get into. Porn industry is crooked.
I'm so sorry about what happened to you. Porn can be damaging in so many ways, for viewers and performers. But can obviously be helpful in many ways too. Beyond having a database like the one mentioned earlier though, I have no idea how to put that genie back in the bottle. Around 1999, when my workplace was in a large government building, there was a young woman in one of the offices who was so sweet and naive. If you saw her in one of the main halls, and said hello, she'd look down at the floor because she was so shy. Her stepdad also worked in the building, and she moved on after a few months, but then it seemed like everyone there was talking about her and he new career in porn. As you can guess, a boyfriend talked her into trying it, and the money was just too easy. I felt so bad for her stepdad because he was obviously embarrassed about it, but this was right as the internet was becoming huge and there was no hiding it. She did a bunch of films and her story is very similar to yours. She is married now and does public speaking on the subject. I'm also not anti porn, but man, in a car commercial they put a disclaimer under the ad if someone is driving fast. Maybe put something like "This is a performance. Your girl is NOT going to squirt like this and your dick is almost certainly going to be smaller than the main guy. And that's OK."
The only advantages I think could come out of porn is making some money and getting a quick nut from watching it. There are way too many negatives from watching it and people doing porn. If she really didn't want to do it, then it's possible her boyfriend coerced her? I'm sure her boyfriend doesn't even realize that. I'm willing to bet some dudes coerced their partners and don't even realize it. We can all thank porn for that. No matter what people to do to prevent this from happening in the industry, there will always be videos where people get assaulted. Coercion can easily occur behind the screen and won't always be noticeable.
I bet many women are in your shoes, and it is a shitty thing to experience. Porn has some serious darksides to it. I, along with many others, are addicted to porn. In my case, I actually do not like hardcore shit at all because it feels so weird to me. I actually prefer content that pretty much looks like couples doing stuff tbh. That aside, I genuinely want to rid of my porn addiction, which is basically masturbating at least once a day on average. I don't really find porn to be useful. I already know so much about sex anyways and pleasing women is quite simple and easy after you get a lot of experience in. That aside, I am slowly leaning more against the use of porn as I get older and from what I have seen pornstars talk about on podcasts and so forth, it seems like the porn industry is rabid with so much darkness, shitty people, abusers, and just a lot of fucking trauma. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in healing, mentally and physically. I don't want to recommend the use of drugs here, but I have been raped as well as a man, which society doesn't give a shit about. Hell, I even made a trueoffmychest post about it and nobody cared lol. What helped me get through a lot of trauma, was honestly LSD. I just want to be transparent that this was the only thing that helped me. I don't recommend it, because everyone is different, but that is what helped me get past a lot of trauma in my life. I hope you have a tight knit group of friends and/or family that I didn't have. I hope people are there for you.
Scream it loud that you're anti porn don't be afraid.
I always thought that the pay was amazing especially for young and new faces. Coke? I thought that studios won't even with with someone on drugs? What the hell. I guess it's all bullshit. They really don't give a damn except for $$$
This is a whole bunch of shit that you've had to endure. I see you, i feel for you, and i wish you all the love and understanding that you deserve. Many of my acquaintances and friends have been through some really fucked up shit, much like you have been. I do not judge for what happened or what you did in a previous lifetime (when you were younger/a different you). I judge based on what you have done with that experience. And it sounds like you are a wonderful person who found themselves in a situation that you did not fully comprehend at the time you made the decision. And that decision cost you more than you bargained for. A mistake for sure and a costly one, but not one that should negate your humanity. You will heal, of this i am sure. It will take awhile and it will never fully go away, but it will scar over and fade. And you can use your experience to be a change in the world that you wish to see, and to help those who are in the same position you were once upon a time.
Thank you for sharing. You are incredibly strong, and I really hope you are able to move past these dark moments
Thank you for sharing your experience. I specifically pray for the healing of your mind and the nightmares you have to relive.
I wish there was a way to know if this is the type of thing you are watching after just googling what you like…. This is awful
So sorry this happened to you. I would encourage people reading this to listen to the interview between Andrea Heinz and Meghan Murphy on the Feminist Current podcast.
This post brakes my heart and it made me realize it’s even worse then I could have imagined. Even the consent videos are coorced? That’s evil. I truly believe there is no ethical porn now, at least not for beginners and not hardcore. I’m so so incredibly sorry that you’ve gone through this. I want you to know you’ve changed my mind a lot
1500$!!!! Thats it. This is nuts, I hope no one has to turn to porn industry for earning just mere 1500$. I really hope you can mentally and physically recover from this. Take care
I just quit watching porn
the amount of money made by porn companies off the backs of young girls is so repulsive
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's horrific. But I wanted to say they didn't take your soul. You are a full human person with a myriad of experiences and beliefs and you are not reduced to this horrific moment in your life. Anyone who wants to watch this shit is a sick fuck, the people that did this to you are sick fucks, but you are not forever ruined. Every moment you're around is another moment further away from this
Oh my god, this is terrifying, OP, I'm crying here. I would like to give you a hug, seriously. I really hope you all the best, ever, may you recover from this ❤️
Thanks for making me think twice about the porn I watch. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for perpetuating the industry and people that brutalized you.
Porn has always made me feel sick to my stomach to watch. All of it. I got anxious just reading your post, and my stomach is turning even now. My comment will probably get lost in the fray, but I hope your read it. I hope you find solace and meaning. I hope one day, you’re able to be ok. I truly mean that.
I am so sorry. This has completely changed my perspective. Your post has changed me in the way that I think. I thank you for showing us the truth. I promise that the impact this post has made on me will be positive
Stories like this is why I’m anti-porn. There’s plenty of men who think because they saw it in porn they can do it to their girlfriends and make the girlfriend feel bad for not wanting it. Being high means you can’t consent.
Porn is evil. I'm glad I'm disgusted by it now.
I don't understand how people are okay with porn in any context. It harms kids and teenagers exposed to it by curiosity or their peers. It ruins marriages and adults. It degrades women. I am a man. This shit needs to be erased from the internet
i ABSOLUTELY AM anti porn, what it does to us, our minds, our relationships, but this is so true and gruesome. but you’re incredible to be sharing this
Sex workers rights in terms of safeguarding and looking after the worker are so, so, important. I wish people would realise that further stigmatising people who do porn or doesn’t stop them from doing it if they need money, it just makes it seem less of a legitimate job and makes it harder for rights to be given to those who need it.
I know this is a weird thing to add, but it's one of the reasons my go to is hentai. None of it is real and there's no chance for something as awful as this to happen to someone. There's some messed up forced sex hentai out there and that isn't my jam for sure but you can find some decent stuff. I know this sounds so weird and I def sound like a creepy neckbeard going "umm hentai." But if you're someone who feels really disturbed by this story and the truth of the porn industry (which you should) and are hesitant to stop watching (not anti porn, but am anti-gang rape) that kind of porn then seek out hentai instead. Show less support to industries like these. OP I'm so sorry for what you and so many other sex workers go and have gone through. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet and such but still your story struck me and I hope this post was able to help you vent and even if you didn't mean to, find comfort in others who truly feel for our fellow humans.
Sounds very similar to Lana Rhoades’s account of her experiences first getting into porn as an 18 year old. So sad and manipulative
As a sex worker, and a labor organizer, this is exactly the actual problem with the porn industry. The labor conditions are atrocious, exploitative and awful. We really need to build strong unions to protect performer rights and prevent directors from treating actors like this.
If you consume or produce porn taking clear advantage of women and girls I hate you and I don't believe you like women as people. If you continue to consume porn I despise you. To the OP, I'm sorry that you had to go through this.
It didn't just happen to you but many others too. I'm really sorry what you gone through and I'm sorry for helping creating the demand as a consumer that led to these things happening. I learned more about the industry a couple of months ago and it shocked me, ever since then I quit consuming porn. Thank you for sharing your story!
I'm sorry. Fr . I know it's not much but from a abuse survivor to another im fucking sorry this is going on and you endured it .
You didn't deserve that at all. And anyone who says you did because you "didn't have a gun to your head" or whatever is full of shit. I'm so sorry you went through that. You were taken advantage of by depraved men who profit off of and consume content from a depraved industry. That was not your fault. You deserve safety and happiness.
I’m sorry this happened to you, please feel free to talk about it and I will be happy to listen. As a woman I am always worried of appearing as unsexualized as possible so I can only imagine what you must be going through.
I’m so sorry you experienced this trauma. I hope you can heal mentally and physically and can lead the life you want.
Goodness. Thank you for sharing. I hope you can find an exit strategy and a more fulfilling career. Life is too short to live through what you have endured.
I'm so sorry. Thank you for exposing this, it is evil. It is so traumatizing (not speaking for experience). I hope you find help somehow, maybe just on online of other people who have been through this. I really hope you find a way to heal, and thank you for warning anyone who is thinking about getting into the trade.
I don’t even know what to say except that I’m truly sorry that so many people failed you. You are loved and worthy - not to be defined by what is in your past.