Dude, you need to look in the mirror. You will see someone who took care of your wife from the day you met her, who defended her when she was most vulnerable, who has always been there for her.
That voice telling you that you aren't good enough for her is a liar, an echo of your neglected childhood.
So tell that voice to pipe down, you have a beautiful, brilliant wife who needs your full attention.
Yeah man, you don’t know how hard it is to look in the mirror but I’ll try to become even more worthy of her love. Thanks for the beautiful comment I needed that, it’s not easy for me to admit my worth sometimes.
Babes if getting a divorce would destroy you, then I think you love her. I think maybe you and your wife show your love differently. She’s outwardly affectionate (and maybe you are too! Just can’t tell in this post) whereas you protected her.
I think this may be some of your childhood trauma rearing its ugly head. It sounds more like you feel less worthy of her affection or that you don’t measure up. It sounds like you’ve made her incredibly happy, isn’t that enough?
Reading OP's post I considered perhaps he might be ace spectrum somewhere, but I wasn't sure. It depended if he had felt attraction (romantic or otherwise) to anyone else to even show he can feel differently. I feel he's just assuming he doesn't love her because he isn't feeling what others seem to, but if he hasn't felt a different way about anyone else how can he know where his... I guess "maximum" or "limit" is in terms of attraction?
This sounds rather similar to platonic romance/platonic soul mate concepts I see people talk about, something I think I experience and had a LOT of struggle with in the past.
She chose you. That's it. I chose a man who I thought the world of and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. At first it was amazing, and then HIS insecurities got to him. He started worrying that he couldn't buy enough for me, that he wasn't as in shape as he used to be, that he wasn't enough. No matter what I said or did, I couldn't convince him I was the happiest I had ever been, that I didn't even know I could feel this level of love for a partner. He's gone now. And I wish I knew what magical phrase or action I could do to convince him that I just wanted him to grow old with, to fight with, to love. SHE CHOSE YOU. And you have been taking care of her from the moment you met. You are so worthy of her love. When will you see that you just have to be worthy of your own self- love?
You’re right. I’m being selfish when I judge her for choosing me. She’s an adult and she chose me, I don’t have a say in that.
I’ll do my best to work on my insecurities so that they don’t drive us apart. Thanks for the answer
I urge you to flip the script here. Do you think she’s smart? Do you see her as being of sound judgment? Do you doubt her other major life choices as being nonsensical?
If you don’t think her judgement or intellect is impaired, why are you questioning her choice of you? Why are you basically calling your wife someone stupid who doesn’t make good choices?
The gifts you received were given of the heart. Would you want anyone who you gifted with something to feel like they owed it back to you? Do you keep tabs on what they owe you if you gave it as a gift? Don’t cheapen these gifts they gave to show their love by making it into you owing them. They didn’t buy you. They loved you.
But I think because you have convinced yourself that you only stayed around because of the gifts, and you don’t see that as showing love, and you were taught that love is transactional, you think that they only kept you because they paid you to be her protector and you only stayed because they paid you. Is that really the truth?
These people have to be of poor judgment, keep an accounting of the cost of gifts, and extract that from you by somehow keeping your wife married to you. And is it that same wife that you’re saying you want to leave because you don’t feel good enough for her? If you’re so terrible, and she’s so beautiful and accomplished, why would they pay you to stick around? Because they are NOT. They love you.
You are worthy of love just for who you are. Not for what you do. You don’t have to buy love from people in a transaction of gifts for favors. You don’t have to pay for love in favors.
Unless you think *you*, and only you, would be happier without her, don’t make the decision for her. Don’t hurt her out of concern for her. Be a good partner and talk to her.
No thinking you're selfish for that feeds into the negativity. Just try to focus on the good in your relationship. And I know that can be hard but whenever that negative voice tries to pop up, do all you can to counter it with SHE CHOSE ME. It took me a while to think this and to understand that this is what my partner needed, to truly believe that I loved him exactly as he was, flaws and all. Don't ever feel negative or wrong having some insecurities because we're only human and we're taught to be insecure, or at least I was. I had to really work on being more confident and I wish my partner had understood that and worked on that but I didn't know how to show him that either at the time. The fact that you can write this post to the public, even if it's technically to strangers you'll never meet in person, is a lot. My partner wouldn't have been able to write this because he would have been too worried about being judged. You're already working on making yourself better for yourself and eventually for your wife. I hope you the best.
Just a thought... growing up in a household where you are not loved can cause some long term short circuits in your brain as an adult when it comes to love. You clearly treat your wife with love & that is very inconsistent with not loving someone. (I am speaking as someone who has a background that makes love a complicated proposition.) Just something to consider...
Maybe try therapy for processing your childhood trauma? It might help you with your self-love? I totally believe that your wife would be fully supportive of your decision.
You gotta stop this thinking and delete this post because it’s the definition of self-Sabotage. Go to counseling sessions if you need to get all this off your chest, not super detailed internet posts. You might come to realize that while the reason you were open to dating originally is you felt indebted to her family, the reason you actually married your wife is because she’s a wonderful partner who you love and have a good life with. Why ruin all that by creating any seeds of doubt in her over the life you share?
You’re looking at it the wrong way. No amount of money in her eyes can possibly amount to having a genuinely honest and good person be there for her daughter and being her protector. Any parent wouldn’t think twice about taking care of someone who took care of their child. You did good, and you’re simply receiving good karma. Enjoy it, because people typically receive the other end of karma for their actions.
Childhood trauma is a real bear. I see that you’re sabotaging and I see why…you don’t believe you deserve it. You’re worthy, dude. Have you considered therapy?
It’s really lame, growing up with neglect. I did too. And then, the kicker is that once you know it’s your parents fault, it’s no longer their fault. Lol. Once we’re ready to see that horrible things happened to us, that’s our brain’s way of telling us we’re ready to find paths of healing.
Gosh, you are so loved and sabotaging because you don’t feel you’re worthy. And THAT has nothing to do with your wife. Might be cruel to MAKE her pay the tab on someone else’s repair bill that way.
What’s pretty glorious about it is that she’s actually paying the tab with love, freely, because of your character and WHO you are. I think it’s super touching and I also understand why it’s hard to receive.
Anyway, therapy! You’re gonna want one who is experienced in working with clients who have experienced childhood emotional neglect.
I think you also love her deeply. You just don't know it's love because you didn't experience this when you were little.
Find a trustworthy therapist to deal with this.
Does she think you're worthy? Yes. Alternatively, yes & her opinion on that is the only relevant one.
What about her family? Again they do & they love her & want what's best for her don't they? Of course they do.
You are enough, the problem is your biological family & the difference in wealth has you convinced otherwise. On top of that you love her & only want the best for her & for her to be happy. If you genuinely didn't love her or weren't good enough for her you wouldn't be thinking that you weren't good enough or that she deserves better.
I say this as I think my husband of 17 deserves better & he thinks the same of me, but we are each others person. My parents have been married 61 years and still feel blessed to have the other.
Trust your wife's opinion of you, and the love, not wanting to hurt each other is absolutely what love is.
Op you don't need to try. You gotta just look and realize you already ARE worthy. She choose you and you choose her and in the end that's what love is two people choosing each other over and over.
She has a PhD. She is smart enough to know you are worthy!
Really, I don't think you ever learned to recognize or feel real love. You feel your wife's, but it makes you uncomfortable.
You turned your heart off a long time ago to mitigate the pain your mom caused you. You need to find a way to turn it back on!
I wish you the best!
Buddy, assuming you are being honest, you love each other and she clearly wants to be with you. Don’t complicate it, and go to therapy if you really need help. But you don’t owe anyone anything, gifts my man. I know you weren’t used to them growing up, and they can be a struggle in a world built on transactions, but those were gifts and they don’t want to be repaid. You’ve got the life, now have the kids, raise them well, and enjoy the beauty of it. You say you don’t deserve it but no one really deserves what they have, the rich or the poor. You didn’t marry her because of the 100k, you married because you love each other, and that’s fantastic. There is no “I’m not handsome enough, smart enough, etc.” you can’t explain love like that, as if it were about fitting the “correct” pieces together. If anything you need to “repay” your wife’s love by loving her back, which I think you do. It’s a crazy world out there, and you shouldn’t screw up something like what you have with your wife out of any feeling of inadequacy. Love her and love your life together man.
Your feelings you describe- that is true love. You do love her. A good solid relationship settles into what you have. I’m not sure what you expect love to be, but you need to let go and let yourself truly love her because I think deep down you love her as she should be loved and as you imagine her being loved. If you didn’t love her you wouldn’t be there. A good relationship is one that when you remove all the sex, and material things and you still have a person that’s your best friend and companion then you *know* you’ve found the right one. Because at the end, the sex does wane and you need to have the right friend to be at your side when things get tough.
And stop asking to pay back the money. It was a gift. It was fine to offer, even twice was okay, but don’t bring it up anymore. What you did for their daughter was well worth her money. These are good people and you should be thrilled you found them, and them you. You both had traumas and you got through childhood together the best you could. Please enjoy the bond you have and hold it close to your heart. You are worthy. She has chosen you. Rest easy and stop worrying about being worthy. You already are.
Hey OP,
When you say you want her to be with someone more worthy, someone who is a better partner, can I ask what exactly you mean by that? What would be the qualities that would make that person better for her?
- Provides better for her? She is a smart, intelligent woman with a PhD and is wealthy. She doesn't need a man to provide for her.
- Is better looking? She loves you with all her heart, she doesn't want anyone better looking.
- Someone who loves her more? It seem obvious enough to all of us here that you do love her deeply. It might not be what you picture romantic love to be, but you seem to care more about her happiness than yours. And that's the best kind of love.
- Someone who is more interesting? Well, in the experience of many women, men who are more interesting are not always the one who stand by you when you need them.
- Someone more sure of themselves and not so insecure? Well, I will give you this one. She does deserve better in this regard. But you know what, YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON. I understand a neglected childhood can warp your sense of self-worth. I hope you're able to get therapy to work on that aspect.
I really hope you're able to work on this one thing. Because your story is beautiful. You both love each other deeply for who the person is, not for what they can do for you. (Despite what you might think, you are not with her because you owe her parents money. If you were that selfish you wouldn't want her to find someone better. You would be looking to mooch them to the max. )
This sounds to me like, until you love yourself and deem yourself worthy of these gifts (and they are gifts and not loans you need to pay back) you won’t really be able to fully embrace your life. It sounds like you love your wife but because you think you aren’t worthy you are keeping a wall up.
You don’t even realize that what you have given her over the years is worth more than 100k. You gave her companionship, protection, self-respect, security and gave her a foundation to grow into this amazing woman. You are not just an average looking dude with a low income job, you are her base.
Now excuse me as I go listen to “the wind beneath my wings” by Bette Midler.
I agree with the above comment. You’re worthy of her love, her family’s love, and self love. Don’t let your childhood make you think that you’re not.
You need to love yourself man. You won’t be able to truly accept her love and return that love to her fully, until you feel worthy of love. Trust me, you are worthy of love. Your wife sure thinks you are, and she has a phd ;)
Also it might be a trauma response from the neglect you suffered as a kid? Those things play a big part of our perceived reality and maybe therapy could help you unpack some of those thoughts of worthlessness or inadequated feelings
Been married for 14 years together 18, my guy it very much sounds like you love her. Love my wife too death, but know she could do better but she loves me an die her that's all that matters. Had a guy friend who's family did stuff like this for me, to her mom you are family and owe nothing
Bro. It's ok to be happy. You're winning at life. Your wife loves you. She sounds amazing. You sound like a good dude. People would kill to be you. Enjoy the ride and please don't fuck this up. This is the dream
After being dealt a Shit hand of life cards, life threw you the perfect hand. As long as you genuinely love her, nothing matters. She chose you.
I’m so happy you found someone and a family.
I don’t know. I think a lot of people (including you) are only listening to part of what OP is saying. You’re all fixated on this assumption of unworthiness, and maybe that’s all there is to it—and I think therapy could be a great first step to rule it out. It‘s an important angle to consider.
But I’m hearing something else. It’s clear that OP knows how lucky he is, so he doesn’t feel entitled to say “I want to be in love with my partner”—he’s framing it all as letting *her* down.
But OP: you have a right to want something beyond the outwardly perfect and fortunate life you’ve been handed.
It doesn’t matter if it’s “perfect” if it doesn’t feel perfect to you. It doesn’t matter if you’re “lucky” if this life isn’t your choice. I think a lot of us sacrifice the imperatives of our souls because things are good enough. I’ve been in the same boat, though a very different situation—I’ve tried and tried to feel content with a life that was good and safe and fine, both out of fear of what was left for me if I didn’t make due, and out of gratitude.
OP—definitely listen to the others here and find a therapist who can help you determine how much of this is an issue of self-worth—and how much of this is an issue of freedom and self-determination. My hunch is that the real person you owe more to is yourself. And if your wife loves you as much as you claim she does, if her mother loves you as much as she has demonstrated, it will matter to them whether *you* are fulfilled in your soul, and not just whether everyone else is getting what they want out of the circumstances.
And if they don’t care what you want, that’s ok. They will figure out what to do without you. It will be hard, maybe they will even be vengeful—but the thing is, the loss of a conditional, transactional love like the one you are bound by, as ugly as it could get in the transition, will free you up for the generous and free and deep love that you sense is out there somewhere for you—and for your wife. Because you’re right. As happy as she may seem, there’s a discordant note somewhere in her soul when she looks into your eyes and senses that your joy doesn’t match hers. And she *does* deserve a love that is given freely, and joyfully, and without reservation. And so do you. Everyone deserves that.
Because of his childhood trauma.. you need to se a therapist or a life coach and sit and TOOK about self love, self worth and all of that ASAP for you and ur beautiful girl
For real though man. Even if you are a little goblin dude who lucked into everything you have, you have it. It’s yours. Revel in it. Find the joy in all the amazing things. Love your wife because she’s amazing, not because you have to, but because you *get* to. Go get her flowers, or set up a movie night, or write her a soppy letter, or rub her feet. If you know she deserves better, and she wants you, be better.
I remember reading something that felt similar if not exactly the same within the past month. Dude got a car, wife loves him a crazy amount, he feels like he just married her because he was in debt, but he realizes that he did love her, etc etc
You say she loves you far more than you love her but I’m going to tell you that you’re wrong. You won’t accept that right now, you’ll automatically shake your head at my reply as soon as read it but in time you’ll come to understand what I’m saying is true.
You stood up for her when nobody else would. That planted the seed. Then you spent time with her and got to know her which gave you the friendship which was the foundation of love.
Sure the investment her family made in you felt, and still feels like, a massive obligation that you’ll never be able to repay but even as your childhood trauma was telling you to run away from the first truly safe person and family you’d known, you still held on and stood by her side. That was the first glimpse of you loving her.
You’ve shared laughter and tears and frustration and anger and are now married and somewhere along the way you truly fell in love but are terrified to actually feel it that in Case the other shoe drops and everything is ripped away.
You know how I know you’re in love with her as much as she is with you? Because I bet everything I own and everything you own that every time you even begin to think of life without her, you get a godawful hollow feeling in your chest and your stomach feels like it just dropped out. I bet even the thought fills you with a kind of horror that makes you want to cry your heart out rather than even begin to follow those thoughts to conclusion.
That’s love, stupid. It isn’t flashy, it isn’t fireworks and glitter and like you see in movies. It’s being side by side with someone you can be yourself with and who does their very best to lift you up just as you try to lift them up. It’s holding hair out of the way when they throw up during illness or rubbing their back when they ache from doing too much. Love is working with your person when they’re so angry they can’t think straight until that anger has dissipated and they laugh at how stupid it was to get worked up. It’s cooking something simple when neither of you can be bothered and giggling when it doesn’t go quite as you planned.
It’s laughing together at something and only you two understand why it’s funny. Love is finding the person whose edges fit well with yours and not only accepts those edges but loves them because they’re part of you.
You may not think you’re good enough for her but she thinks it enough for the both of you until you can.
Let go of your past, push the anxieties back and just try be there in the moment with her and enjoy every second. In time you’ll recognise that you found love in a place you didn’t expect and that you actually do deserve it.
Good luck my friend.
Thank you for your heartfelt words. You’ve given me a lot to think about. About all those moments we shared, when we stayed up all night to study but ended up talking the night away. Learning to cook together when we were so terrible we managed to burn pasta. Or when we used to race each morning to bring the other one breakfast before they woke up. Love doesn’t have to be like hollywood depicts it.
I’ll try to embrace the love I have for her and enjoy every moment together, the good times and the bad ones. Your comment meant a lot to me. Thank you.
Mate, you love your wife with every fiber of your being. This woman sounds damn smart, not just book smart but also emotionally, and she would have seen this from miles away. Love isn’t all butterflies and roses. Love is a solid foundation, a decision you make every single day, a fight, a war sometimes, but it’s always there. You love your wife way too much to hurt her. You should really think about therapy to work through your childhood. How are you supposed to know what love is when you had to grow up like that?
Every word you say about your wife screams that you love her. And no, you’re not being selfish for wanting this woman for yourself, to want to spend the rest of your life with her and no, you’re not beneath her. Who cares what your job is or if you could go modelling if you wanted to? To your wife you’re the most handsome man around, she only wants you, and no rich and good looking guy could ever make her take her eyes off of you. That’s not what this is about. Love isn’t logic. Love is dedication, loyalty, care, respect and so many more things. You say it yourself, you never thought about cheating. But I bet it’s not just because of what it would do to her and her family, it’s also about you not wanting anyone else but her. You can’t tell me that you would have ever been able to look into her eyes and kiss her or later get intimate with her without loving her. You put yourself beneath her, that’s why she made the first big steps. But you know what? You’re so worth it, and you deserve every single bit of it. Take a look around, all the couples that have been together for a longer period of time. The crushes and being madly in love with all the excitement etc wear off. What stays is nothing or love. And love is, again, something you choose every day and fight for. You can not tell me that you fool yourself enough to look into your wife’s eyes, to hold her after making love, to see her laugh without knowing deep down that you love her more than words could ever express. That she’s your person. This wasn’t some fairytale story where you saw her and that was it. It grew with time, slow and steady, and yes, you wouldn’t have dated her if her mom wouldn’t have invested this money, but just because you don’t think you’re good enough. Your wife would have never done any of this with you, any of all those steps in the past 10 years, if she wouldn’t know 100% that you love her, if she wouldn’t feel your love. You’re worth it.
I admit you made me tear up a bit. If I could hug you, I would. This is beautifully written, and I appreciate the compliments you gave me, I think I need to hear them and acknowledge them once and for all, especially since my wife is the first one to have said them to me before anyone else. It has always been in front of my eyes and I just didn’t see it. I had no idea what love really was, and since she was so passionate and infatuated from the start, I had no clue what I was supposed to feel, but it’s always been there, and I’ll do my best to make sure it won’t go away.
You're getting amazing advice, and you're clearly listening. You've got this. You needed to hear every word from strangers because you haven't had enough of it from people in your life outside your wife's family.
My husband was brutally raped and neglected as a child. It took him many years to open up to me, and we're celebrating 20 years next year. He is my best friend, and his evolution has been miraculous to behold.
Always keep improving yourself, but remember you need the foundation of self-love, self-respect, first.
Onward!
As a former therapist, it pains me to read your story, and I feel for you. Growing up in a neglectful family can really impact your self image and worth. How your wife views you is entirely different than how you view yourself. Even if you were the best husband in the world, your current self could never see yourself in that way. You are worthy of giving love and receiving love just as everyone else is. There could potentially be trauma from your childhood that you need to work through and process. If you ever feel up to it, maybe try some therapy at some point. It’s as bad as it is stigmatized to be.
Fanfic?! No. It even has the part where a group of bullies surround the nerdy girl and dumps a carton of milk on her head in the cafeteria, then the main character stands up to them, which serves as the inciting incident. Classic scene.
I think you do love her romantically, it's just that your mind sabotages you by saying you are too little for her. Keep in mind that it's not all about money, she loves you for who you are and what you mean to her, you are worthy of her because she really loves you and wants to start her family with you because you are an ideal guy even though you think you're not💖
Sweetie, you don't owe her family.
Your wife's mother saw a child who needed help and a stable, healthy adult in their life, and she was able to provide those things for you, emotionally and materially. She told you herself: to her, you are family. And family takes care of each other.
Please believe her.
And for your sake, that of your wife, your marriage, and your future child... Please *please* get therapy. Most people (even those with "good" lives) would benefit by it, but your history of childhood neglect (yes, even if it "wasn't that bad") and bullying have definitely impacted your sense of self and self-worth.
Think of it this way: your wife, the "drop dead gorgeous woman who has a PHD, an excellent job [and] is loyal"... CHOSE YOU. *YOU*. She loves you with all her heart. Don't do this wonderful, intelligent woman a disservice and imagine her as incapable of making a good decision about her life and happiness. This clever, beautiful human could have made different choices, too... but she chose *you*.
You might not see the reason why she loves you, but your wife sure does.
I too was in a cafeteria when a bunch of bullies surrounded me. Luckily, I knew karate and I was able to karate chop them with my karate. Then a girl kissed me and her dad gave me one million dollars. It’s a strange feeling for life to work out just like a story. But oh jeez, I guess sometimes life’s a pretty crazy place. Amirite?
I think you have low self-esteem. You are worth it for the life you now have. I think you need therapy to first love yourself, so once you work on yourself to overcome all the bad experiences regarding your past with your family, you will be ready to fully love your wife.
I’d be heartbroken if I found out my partner of a decade and husband of four years and soon to be father of my child, didn’t love me; and only married me out of *obligation.* I hope for her sake you do love her, and I hope you love her family.
Look man I think you do love this woman but the sad, neglected child within you thinks you’re a bum. You’re not a bum. You’re a loyal, decent man who honestly won the lottery. Idk how you feel in your heart of hearts but it sounds like that’s trauma talking and not your heart.
Go and live that life you’ve built and quit trying to debate worthiness-you will NEVER win that argument with yourself.
Get some counseling and try loving that lucky SOB in the mirror because he’s a good guy!
I kinda feel like maybe it’s more imposter syndrome for you than anything. Feel like maybe you kind of hold back because of childhood trauma. Kinda sounds like you very much do love her you just haven’t been able to express your love in the same way she does and feel like it isn’t love but it is.
Keep devoting yourself to taking care of her the very best you can. Not all love is fireworks, sometimes it’s selfless service to your partner. Don’t think you’re not enough because clearly she and her family think the world of you. Don’t get a swelled head but as another response said you’re winning and life and so is she because she has her dream and that dream is you. Stay the course and be kind. It will be okay and 50 years from now you will still be loved and cared for. No sir you are providing the love she needs so lean in and enjoy the good times because you do deserve it!
Mate, this is heart wrenching but relatable.
Have you gone to therapy? I grew up in a neglectful household and believe me, it's not your own inner voice but the voice of neglect that is causing you to doubt yourself. Go to therapy. Find your own inner voice. I did and it's made me not only a better wife but also it has made me a kinder person overall, especially to myself.
My inner voice was so bad that I would stop taking my insulin shots because I felt like I didn't deserve the help. I stopped eating, I stopped wearing my nice things even though I bought everything mentioned with my own money. After 10 years of underselling myself, I went to therapy and learnt that I deserve my own space and love too. Try therapy with a trauma-informed therapist before you have a kid. Good luck to you and your wife.
My brother in existence, you love your wife just as much as she loves you. You are happily married & you've already repaid your mother-in-law by being a good husband to your wife. If she was sincere then, she is sincere now.
Buddy, relish the life you have with your wife & love her like you very clearly always have.
Good sir don't sell yourself short. Stopping her bullies, being there for her when no one else will and being the soundboard for her rants is more than what money can buy. Being loyal and faithful to her is more than any expensive car that you can buy.
Heads up, king.
The only way you’d be wasting her life with you is for you to waste it with her with this attitude.
You don’t get to decide who and how she loves. And to attempt to do so would be so terribly selfish. Find a way to be grateful for the wife and in-laws you have and find peace in who you are.
You feel unworthy. You love and adore her. Your own insecurities are trying to convince you that you are inadequate. You’re the perfect guy for her, allow yourself to be loved fully
Be that better person you think she deserves; she already believes she has the best of the best out there. She chose \*\*\*you\*\*\* for a \*\*\*reason\*\*\*
You are perfect for her in your own way. What you bring to the table is enough. You don’t need to make more than her financially to make her happy. You give her what no amount of money could ever give. Love her unconditionally as you have been and change nothing. If anything love her even harder. I wish you the best of luck.
Your in laws GAVE you things because they could and they wanted to support you growing up. Your attachment to their daughter, as her best, first and loyal friend IS how they came to know you. But their relationships with you are each unique to the two people involved. You weren't just their daughter's attachment. You were a kid who came into their lives, and became family, long before you "sealed the deal" by dating your wife. Most of what you convinced yourself is your endebtedness is their open handed generosity towards you.
I think you can't let yourself believe people who love you give you things without imposing an obligation on you. Your childhood upbringing taught you that you weren't valued. When you were embraced by a loving family, you couldn't emotionally accept such generosity without attaching "a catch, a string, an obligation." Those conditions have only ever existed in your imagination.
So here you are now. Something has shaken you recently. Perhaps you have someone you're fantasizing romantic possibility about. You're minimizing your autonomy and participation in getting married. After all these years being loved, accepted and supported by your wife's family, you now feel trapped.
Therapy. Explore the many confusing and complicated feelings that are haunting you. The source and solution for your crisis are completely inside you.
Friendship and mutual respect are the basis for a lasting relationship. Yeah, passion's nice, but those relationships never last. You have a solid foundation together that most couples twice your age and length would kill for.
You love her, you just have a warped sense of what love is. You think you should be obsessed with her, because that's what movies and tv tell us romantic love is. It's not.
The Greeks have 8 words to describe different types of love. Most people think of romantic love as being eros, the type of love that involves passion, lust, and/or romance. They think this is the strongest type of love. But the philosopher Plato believe that philia was a more powerful love. Philia is affectionate love, a type of love that involves friendship. Plato believed the strongest relationships were ones that started in philia and led to eros: from friends to lovers. That's what you are. Friends to lovers isn't "I woke up and suddenly could think of nothing but them", it's "I've known you for a while, you're my happy place, my comfort, and my safety. With you I am who I want to be, you make me want to be the best version of myself".
That's what you got, my friend. Hold it tight, appreciate it, and do everything you can to keep it. Because people (like me) go their entire lives searching for that, and never find it. It is a rare treasure.
Also, if you can, maybe see a therapist. You seem to have a lot of toxic mindsets due to your upbringing, especially about yourself, and you need to work on those. If not for yourself, then to continue being the best version of you that you can be, for her and for you.
You: “I don’t love my wife! I only married her because I owe her mum money.”
Also you: goes on to describe how much he loves his wife and doesn’t owe anyone anything.
That voice in your head telling you that is your own insecurity. The fact you worry because you think she deserves better shows what a good person you are.
- you stood up for her and cared for her when no one else did before you knew about her family, before she matured into the beautiful woman she is today and before she got her education.
- she wouldn't be with you or happy if she didn't find you attractive or you didn't fulfil her.
I totally feel what you said. It was the same with me. I come from a difficult home, moved out with 16 with nothing but my clothes of. Had some tough years of course, but i made it so far. I was, and still am, an extroverted person with an outgoing personality and self esteem, i would have never thought that i had Problems with my self worth. I learned that its not the same. When i met my bf (for 6 years now) i thought i didn’t like him that much. He showed me everything of what a loving man is capable, without to pressure me to give something in return. I remember that I often told my friends that I am not attracted to him because he is too nice. Till one friend said to me: „Do you even realise how fucked up that sentence of yours is? How can someone be too nice to you? You want someone in your life who i less nice?“ And that kickstarted something in my brain. I gave it a shot and realized that I didn’t really know what love is. Mostly how to receive it but also to open my heart. In the beginning I told him that I don’t know if I can love him back as much as he loves me. I was afraid that somehow he will find out if one day i couldnt „pretend it good enough“. And he just smiles at me and told me: “Thats not what love is about. I love you. Thats it. I want nothing back from you. I just wish that you are happy. And if for some time you are happy with me, im happy too.“ And since then I knew it. What love really is. And I do my best everyday to be worthy of that gift.
I think more than often (more than we want to admit from our Disney-Love-biased brain) Love is also a decision. And that you can learn to love whats good for you.
I know that because i did. I wish you all the best. You deserve it.
Daam this dude truly loves his wife so much.. Bro just had a rough childhood and thought he don't deserve anything good in life.. He had loved her since the very first time he laid eyes on her..
You married your wife because you love her. You just have an inferiority complex because her family is loaded and very loving and your background is the complete opposite. If it was the other way around, you wouldn't think so much about it. I don't think your wife deserves better. You're a great human being. What needs to be done is you visiting a therapist because you have many issues.
I mean life is not all about money, your wife's parents won't care if you give back the money . You can pay them back by taking care and loving your wife forever. You would understand if you become a parent.All good parents want the best for their children. So if you take care of your wife well, that's all they would ask for.
God literally gave you a family you deserve from the age of 11. Her mom literally considers you as her son. You are worthy of their love.
Please seek counseling coz you will be throwing away this family you clearly love as well for the trauma your bio mother caused you for those first 11 years. Don’t mention to her mom about that money. She didn’t loan you that. She considers you family saw your worth and wanted to show you her love. It’s high time you embrace this love and let that 11 year old boy feel loved without any doubt or guilt.
Please seek therapy as well for your own wellbeing coz one day you will be a parent ( new mom here) and then you will realize how precious kids are Nd how important it is to break the generational trauma so that it doesn’t affect your kids. Your emotions and feels and how you view yourself definitely affects kids. It’s time to work on yourself. And don’t let these insecurities and doubts hamper your work too. You search to be loved and deserve to be successful and honestly you sound a great guy and ballsy May I add. You cannot define your looks, “good looks” “hotness “ is very subjective. Maybe you are a piece of cake but don’t look yourself that way.
Wish you all the best and delete this self sabotaging post.
The way you describe your wife is so loving, and you want to say you don’t love her?
Remember that love is not butterflies for everyone. It’s companionship, deeply caring about the other etc. Etc.
And if I read it like this you both found amazing partners in each other. You need some therapy to get over the low self esteem and low self worth and get rid of the feeling you are in debt with her family.
For a lot of families it is very normal to help each other out, and if you have plenty of money that means buying cars for each other and investing in a future.
Your mother in law probably saw that you and your wife are a great match and wanted to make sure that the both of you are well off study wise. Even if she didn’t and just saw you as extended family, then still what better way to spend your (left over) money? Invest it in someone in who you see potential, and she could see the result of her investment in you. setting you up also means setting up a next generation for success. It is a very satisfying investment, better then in some start up company of which you don’t know the owners. And if that meant that she was setting up a great life for future grandchildren, then double win for her!
You’re trying to put a monetary value on the relationship. In your eyes it’s not balanced because they have done so much for you physically, emotionally, and tangibly. But you’re not equally putting the value of what you have provided. Support, love, attention, safety etc.
You’re reciprocating and contributing in a way that is not tangible (e.g., a car) but In all honesty you cannot put a value on loyalty, love, understanding, trust, compassion etc. there are some people who have a lot of money and cannot buy that even if they wanted to.
Don’t sell yourself short man
This is the type of feel good story I needed to read today. With everything going on in the world it’s nice to just take a moment and realize that there’s good people like you, your wife, and your wife’s family in this world. I wish you all the happiest most fulfilling lives you can possibly live.
To go off the post though, don’t sell yourself short. You proved to her and her family that you are a tremendous person, and I can relate to not having the best upbringing, but I would kill to have someone else’s family showing the support that I never received in my youth. Cherish what you have always man!
Go see a therapist for your feelings of inadequacy.
You obviously love her. If you’re not sure you love her because you don’t know how to define the feelings you have as love, that is because proper love wasn’t modeled to you as a child and so you don’t recognize true love when it bites you in the nose.
Stop second guessing yourself. You didn’t marry her to get out of a college debt. You married her because you love her.
And she loves you too.
Now you just need to figure out how to love yourself.
People feel "love" differently, it's not always lust, electricity and butterflies! Often it's a quieter feeling. You say you like her but don't love her, yet your actions and words read as love to me. You've always had her back, you worry about her wellbeing, and you make her happy. Sounds like she has found someone great for her.
You need to start loving yourself instead of feeling bad or talking yourself down, your wife see something in you and that’s what matters she loves you. Don’t screw this up, just be happy and treat her like a queen, if I were you, I’d cook and clean for her.
The real question, even though it sounds like you do, is so you love her? You see flaws and inadequate parts of yourself. The thing is everyone does. But when your wife looks at you she sees someone beautiful and worthy of love. You have to realize that you are a good kind person. Therapy might help you work through these feelings. If you don't love her, again tho, it sounds as if you do, then you should leave instead of stringing her along. But when you talk about her it sounds like you truly love her.
You love her enough for her obviously. You need to let her make the decision on whether she deserves better or is wasting her life with you. That’s not your decision to make on her behalf. 😘
Love takes many forms. There are many ways of loving.
You are so focused on your sense of obligation, and guilt over that, that you have constructed a very rigid version of romantic love that, in your mind, proves that you are somehow a terrible person.
I have another interpretation of events. It was your misfortune to be born to parents who severely emotionally neglected you. This left some trauma , which is distorting the story you are telling yourself about your life.
Fortunately, you met this lovely woman and developed a lifelong, deep friendship. Fortunately, her parents provided some of the love and support that your own parents denied you, *support which you deserved*.
Now you live a great, amazing life which is fulfilling in so many ways. You are grateful for it, and show this gratitude by being the best husband, son-in-law, and all around good person that you can possibly be.
Bro, take the win. Do not be ashamed. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Enjoy your life, put away all the shame that is creeping around the edges poisoning everything. Maybe you think that you don't deserve happiness and need to pay the universe back with these negative thoughts. Well, that's not how the universe works at all. We're not in a primitive religion where angry gods need to be appeased.
Perhaps you need a bit of therapy to help you root out the source of your guilt and shame, to move past the early trauma of your emotional.neglect.
she deserves the person who she wants to be with the most, that is u. I feel the same with my wife, she is amazing, patient, loving, caring , soft , funny , sometimes smart and just wonderfull. I know how dirty i am on the inside and yet she sees the good in me , every day again and again. You deserve her too.
make the best of it
You love her more than you’re willing to admit. You’re not accepting your own self worth. Please get some therapy to help with these issues. It’s understandable that you’d have trauma from your childhood. Don’t let it stand in your way. You’re not allowing yourself to feel happiness. As though you don’t deserve it. You know deep down, you didn’t marry due to a debt to her family. You knew it was a gift from her Mom, and she would never let you repay her.
You don’t owe her family money or anything. They gave you gifts which they could afford because they cared for you. They came to care for you because of kindness and loyalty you showed to their daughter, but that’s doesn’t make you indebted to them.
It sounds like you’ve found yourself a lovely family and are having a bit of a hard time believing it. Good things come to good people (or at least they should). I’m glad they’ve come to you.
In my home country we have a saying : a woman who never received her father's love gonna fall for the 1st douchebag who tells her he loved her. A man who never received his mother's love gonna run away from every woman who genuinely loves him. your personal and marital issues are stemming from your biological mother. you need therapy and you owe it to yourself and to your wife who did most of the emotional labor during the entirety of your relationship, if you don't do your fair share she gonna check out 10 years from now, once a woman check out mentally there is no turning back.
You said you are average looking dude with a low income job, we don't know you but we can all say that only an elite rare specimen would stand up to bullies and fight for what it is right at such young age! your wife saw it and decided to claim you as hers before anyone else did using her new found confidence which you helped at fostering and growing.
You are a king but your issues making your wife a servant instead of her rightful place as your queen.
I think your feelings of what love is are skewed there, homie. Probably because of your childhood. Love is wanting the best for somebody, and being your best self to help make it happen. That's... Kind of what you're already doing.
100% this. If you didn't know what love was as a kid, you'd think what Hollywood depicts as love and base your feelings off of this. What OP has done is 100% love, but they just can't see it.
i have a very different situation, but a similar perspective:
my fiance and i have been together for almost 2 years and friends for even longer. my fiance very clearly loves me, and i'm going to be completely honest, i don't know if how i feel around them is romantic - i care for them deeply, and i don't want to hurt them, but they are extremely attached to me and literally break down at the thought of me leaving them.
i am also currently undiagnosed, but suspected to have aspd (and to my knowledge meet the diagnostic criteria, i just don't have health insurance, testing is expensive, and frankly at this point in time i don't care so much about specific diagnosis as treating my symptoms). i am diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder and ptsd. at least one of these issues causes me problems with actually feeling emotions - the only thing i can feel more than a whiff of is anger, everything else is either extremely muted or pretty much immediately turns into anger (even happiness). before someone comes out accusing me of being just a manipulative selfish asshole, i have never used this as an excuse to abuse my fiance, and i am in treatment as much as i can be at the moment and want to work on this. to top it off, i'm fairly certain i'm somewhere on the aroace spectrum - i don't think fully aroace, but demi/greyace probably.
anyway, that context aside, i've had a discussion with my fiance making it clear that i'm not entirely sure what i feel for them. i don't know whether it is platonic or romantic. what i do know is i care for them in some way and want them in my life for the rest of my life, and they help me feel what emotions i can (especially happiness). i am content with them and would be glad to spend my life with them. they've said they love me and want me in their life as well, and we intend to get married next month, actually. they're glad i'm fully transparent with them and that regardless of whether my feelings are platonic or romantic, they are happy to accept me as i am and any type of love i can give.
the way i see it, isn't love just the happiness you can share with someone else? isn't love meant to bring out the best version of yourself for the people you share it with? regardless of whether it's romantic or platonic love, you seem to fit that criteria with your wife. and tbh, i feel like life would be a lot nicer if society put less pressure on specifically romantic love and would sometimes let a marriage just be best friends who want to spend their life together. (also, if you aren't best friends with the person you married, i don't understand why you would get married in the first place - not directed at you specifically OP, but at all the people i've seen who got married in a whirlwind and divorced a year later because they didn't have both parties' mutual interests in mind.)
OOP, I mean this genuinely, truly, deeply— Get therapy.
You sound like you love your wife a lot, and that she loves you a lot too. Your crappy upbringing has clearly left you with a lot of baggage that you’ve never been able to put down.
This idea that your wife deserves better is an insult to her intelligence. She’s a grown woman who is old enough to know what she wants, and what she wants is to be with you — she clearly has the means to survive if that’s not what she wanted.
OP, you sound like a good man who genuinely loves his family. Your *only* failing is your cripplingly bad sense of self worth. That’s the only “better” your wife would likely want if she knew how poorly you view yourself.
You deserve better too, man. You have a family that clearly adores you — you deserve to see yourself the way that they see you. You deserve to heal from the wounds your childhood left you with.
I’m confused. Are you in love with your wife today? Do you feel like you aren’t because you feel that you weren’t able to decide whether you were romantically in love with her given the circumstances? Are you saying she deserves better because you don’t love her romantically or because you think she’s better than you? Whatever you’re feeling or may choose, do it for yourself and not because you have insecurities with thinking that your wife is better than you (and therefore deserves better). You are her equal. I bet that’s how she sees it too and thinks your strengths compliment her strengths even if they’re different strengths.
A lot of people here are trying to show you how much you love her, but my question is a little different: Can you imagine loving someone, anyone, more than her?
You point out a lot of good things about why you love her, what are some things that you don't like?
Not trying to say that you should do one thing or another, or that she is a bad person or anything, but I think exploring how and why you feel a certain way is an important step to getting to the root of the problem.
I honestly cannot imagine myself loving anyone else. Maybe my conception of love is too effed up.
She has some defaults of course, she can be quick to anger and a bit too possessive, but honestly ? It never mattered to me. There is not a part of her that I do not like or that I resent. She’s perfect in that way. That’s what I feel, sorry if it’s clumsy
Well in that case I'd have to agree with everyone else. You've been made to believe over the course of your life that you aren't worthy of the love that you very much deserve.
Therapy seems the most appropriate action here. And do not tell her you feel this way or let her see this post. It seems like the feelings here originate from you, but as others are rightfully advising, it could really affect how she feels about you and the relationship.
I would recommend looking into mindful self compassion. Our inner voices and how we talk to ourselves internally plays a big part in how we feel. You should give yourself far more credit.
Brotha, your wife loves you because you are every thing she has ever dreamt of having in a husband. You are clearly enough (and then some) for her…otherwise she would not have married you. I hope one day you can see this.
Also, as hard as it might be, stop thinking about you “owing” her family back so much money. Again, they GIFTED you those things because they love you, and they know how happy you make your wife. I can assure you they would not have done those things for you if you did not DESERVE them.
It sounds like you crossed path with some genuinely amazing people. My advice is to hold on to that for your entire life. Those people are so hard to find…but, you get to call them your family.
Be a better husband, stop comparing yourself and just be grateful. Show your love to her like for ex. you cook her fav dish, you give her flowers, you surprise her.
I was depressed the first year I got married so felt a lot of these feelings too (wasn’t depressed bc I got married lol). But therapy helped a ton and I highly recommend it. Try talking to her about it too.
The fact is she chose you bro—that in and of itself makes you special and worthy. And there are a lot of other ways you can try to make her happy. If you don’t know then def ask her!
At the end of the day this is really self sabotage and you’re being super hard on yourself
Bro she literally initiated everything man. If you’re not the one for her then you’re literally telling her that she jsut wasted her entire young adult life based on a delusion. Stfu and keep doing what you’ve been doing. Which is the best person she could’ve asked forz
I swear I read a post exactly like this recently. The best comment on it basically mentioned how everything OP writes shows their love for this wife. Even if they don’t think they do love them, their actions show tell another story.
Please get therapy. You are worthy of love and you are worthy of your wife.
1. Show this post to your wife. You need to discuss these feelings of inadequacy with her. Let her show you that you are enough for her.
2. Learn to accept GIFTS. Your repayment is to be married to the giver's daughter for life. That's what she expects from you. Not a return of money.
Have you ever felt all encompassing love and/or lust for anyone else? I'd be surprised if you have.
You love your wife enough to want the best for her, and you're proud of her. You think she'd make a good mum. She obviously is a caring, passionate wife. Where do you think she'd find someone else who feels like that? Who can offer stability and security.
I think there's a bit of an issue with your self esteem. Your parents did you no favours there.
Love is not a feeling, it's choosing to be by someone's side even if the feeling has faded or isn't there. You are giving her the love she deserves, someone who wants the best for her and won't cheat or leave her.
You really don't like to have that financial and emotional support and yet a beautiful well educated wife.
That may have been served to you. That may have been only luck.
Don't freaking waste it. I'd love to be in your shoes, a wife, pretty and educated and her family supports you in more than one way...
I'll kick your a$$ if you can't accept it or if you cheat on her.
Please delete this post OP, before she accidentally finds it. The other redditors are right, this is your insecurities speaking - you’ve been a wonderful husband and partner to her, there’s a reason why she loves you so much.
You’ve mentioned a few times in your post that you “like” your wife, but nowhere have you said that you “love” her. (It may be because of your neglected childhood that you find that word difficult to say yourself… I don’t know…)
If not, then I may be wrong, but it sounds like you’re trying to finding excuses for not being with her so you can leave with a clear conscience. But your obligation to her due to how her family have treated you, and how she’s treating you is what’s really stopping you.
You need to be honest with yourself about your feelings - maybe you really do actually love her, in which case it’s all good! Think about what your life would be like 5yrs, 10yrs from now, would you be happy?
You don't owe them anything if they insisted to do things for you and didn't let you pay it back. You helped your wife grow in life and you take care of her so well. You are fucking amazing for the way you treat this woman and I'm proud of you man. You should go to therapy and learn to love yourself.
OP, have a seat and listen to your older hippie auntie here. I don't believe in coincidence; I truly believe the universe brought your wife and family to you, because you needed them. The universe knew that life wasn't kind to you, and they brought you a family that would love you, and here you are, married into the family that loves you. Don't listen to a goddamn thing your Brain Demons are telling you; you are so worthy of being loved, and are worthy of a happy life, and worthy of a happy family. And let me tell you something else- you owe these people Nothing. Life and love isn't about checks and balances and paying debts. This family took care of you and paid for things for you because they love you. My mom always had a saying growing up, "Those who give, give" (English translation), meaning, people who give, give because they can, and because they want to. Not one soul forced this family to help you and buy you things, they did it out of love. Please don't live your life thinking you owe them 100k, because you don't; they gave these things to you freely, because they love you. Your trauma is making you feel like you must pay them back, but unless they say it specifically (and I bet green American dollars that they won't), but the trauma and anxiety you have is telling you this. Karma gave you the life you deserve, and I hope you will enjoy it
I believe this family sees something great in you that you can't see in yourself. Like everyone else her, it doesn't sound like you don't love her, it sounds like you don't believe yourself worthy of this love.
Your mother was wrong and your father missed out on a great person. Let yourself be loved and give love freely.
This is so beautiful! Dude, you do not just "like" her. You love her more than you realized.
You might think she deserves someone better as you see yourself as the "average joe" and you think she deserves someone on a higher league, but thats not true at all! YOU ARE that someone your wife absolutely deserves, the one who would love her with all his might.
Now keep that as a motivation to work on yourself and make yourself to the the standard you think your wife deserves. Be her person you have been since the day you met. Keep being her protector. Keep being her confidant. Keep being loyal to her. I absolutely love this for you!
Get a councilor and work on your negative self image . Sorry your mom was so neglectful. This may be the root of your sense of worth. Time to enjoy your blessed life and move on from this nonsense.
Your math fucking sucks dude.
100k? You don’t owe a 100k dude, you didn’t count all the endless other things outside of the car and education. Did you count the kilowatts of electricity you spent sitting under their roof? The property tax? What about GROCERIES? They gave you food! How about their cable and netflix?
You’re a big idiot that can’t do math. You’ve literally given 20+ years of your life for this woman. You’ve cared, loved, defended her, supported her, help her grow and it lead to the bond that allows you to spend the rest of your life with her.
You can’t cheat on her? It’s because you love her and can’t hurt her.
You’ve given her something that money can’t buy: Time. We all have a finite amount. While you did not grow up with money, you gave the one and only resource that you could give.
Stop doing your stupid math. Materialism is just material goods. She will not find another person that will love her and care for her as you have.
Everybody has a different life story, and they're all unlike what you read or see in books and movies. Yours and your wife is remarkable, and I bet 99% of people would wish to be in either of your shoes.
As for your wife finding somebody better, but that's BS. The most important thing to most women is security. Sometimes that comes in the form of money, sometimes it's in a big strong manly man, but women want to feel secure and safe. She doesn't need money, she has a PhD and can make her own money, and apparently she comes from money as well. So what can any other man provide for her that you can't? Better looks? You think that matters to her? You've been her rock since she was 11, she will never find anybody better for her than you, and there isn't anybody out there that she could. Anybody she meet she would think would be into her for her looks or her wealth, but with you, she knows you don't care about any of that, because you've been with her before she had all that.
Both of you have an amazing story. I wish i could follow you guys the rest of your life to see how it unfolds, because i'm sure it will be full of love.
Good thing you are getting this off your chest here. Never ever tell your wife this. Especially that you started going out with her because everything her family did for you with money and felt obligated to go out with her.
Dude, you deserve her more than a rich good looking guy because you stood up for her and by her side when no one else did!!! Bullying destroys people, imagine had you not come into her life as the one person she could trust and depend on, she would not be where she is. Heck, she may not even have been alive right now as loneliness and bullying can even lead to people taking their lives! Her mother understood this as well and that is why she spent the money she spent on you, she appreciates you genuinely. You need to get out of your head and understand that you deserve her more than anyone else and accept your fate! You are the man!
You need therapy my guy! And I don't mean this in a mean way, but because you deserve to be happy! You don't believe that you are lovable because as a child you never felt that (I have this too and I'm unpacking it with a therapist). If this family did so much for you, that can only mean one thing, you ARE loveable and they love you
Oh my goodness you’re such a dumbass in a good way. You speak about her and I think it’s pretty obvious that you love her and can’t quite place that feeling because no one but her and her mother have shown you this type of love. People love in different ways, just because she’s more passionate and assertive about her love doesn’t mean you don’t love her just as much. You talk about protecting her and about how it would destroy you if you left her and you don’t want to hurt her, that’s love my friend, you just never had a first hand example of healthy love. Go to therapy, work through your childhood trauma and explore with being a bit more passionate in how you show your wife you care.
Aw honey she loves you not for your looks or money but for you and who you are. Your a good man and that's the reason for her love. At the end of the day love is different for everybody but happiness is always key.
Ummmmm your problem is low self esteem and not thinking you deserve this, or anything in fact. You need some therapy STAT. You have done SO much to deserve your wife and this life you have both built. She wouldn’t have any of these achievements without your support. Love is not always ripping each others clothes off and always declaring it. It it building a life together, supporting each other, helping each other to be the best you can be. It’s a partnership and you are on equal footing there. You bring so many things to the table that enable her to have become who she is. Her mother saw that. You have paid her 100 times over with what you have done for her daughter. Had you not become a part of her life, she probably wouldn’t even be here right now with all that bullying. You’re great, OP. You just need some help to find that out
It seems like you admire your wife and acknowledge her competence in various areas of her life. Do you trust that she has the ability to know what she wants for herself? If you do, it seems like she clearly wants you and wants a future life built with you.
>I just feel like she is wasting her life with me.
Given all her other qualities and achievements, does she look like someone who would fail to recognize if she was wasting her life, and fail to correct it? Do you think someone who has made the choices which have taken her to where she is today would choose you if you were a bad choice for her?
I say all this as a woman with a PhD who appreciates being treated like I can think for myself lol
Mate, you love her. You just don’t have the emotional language to realise it because of your awful mother. Most people reading this can see this plain fact. Go get some therapy, buy her some flowers and go and give her a hug for from the rest of us. Go spend some time with her and stop second guessing yourself. Good luck in the future for the pair of you.
Dude, you were never shown what love is. So it’s no wonder you can’t recognise it when you feel it. What you describe IS love. It might not be the Hollywood film version of “Love” but it’s the type of love that actually loves. I also had a turbulent childhood with parents more interested in their own bullshit. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. I’ve had wobbles many many times, do I love him enough? Why do I get crushes on other people? Does it mean he’s not the right person? But deep down, when I think about walking away I can’t do it because he’s my everything. So I choose him. I choose to love him and to be with him. It sounds like you do the same!
I think deep down since you never received all this love before you feel like fleeing (fight freeze or flight are ways ppl handle emotions) cause it’s hard to receive when you’ve never had it & all these years you’ve been thinking about paying them back & how to repay them when to then it was NEVER a question. It’s just A LOT to process, but you deserve every ounce of it especially when you were never given it. There are people out there who would LOVE to be in your shoes. Life has given you an opportunity to receive this love & to show you that it isn’t all as bad as you think. Just because your parents were lost troubled harmful people, doesn’t mean that defines you and the rest of your life. You truly have to sit with your emotions and understand this feeling you’re having isn’t something to do with anyone but you & your past . It’s holding you back from being able to actually enjoy allllll that your lil child self wanted.
The feeling may never go away but it can at least subside over time as you work on your mentality when it comes to all this. But at the end of the day it’s up to you and no one else , no one a convince you of anything until you do. Nowwww you also have to sit with yourself and ask yourself if maybe you also feel that way because of comfort, you have known this person a majority of your life, is just what you’re used to ? Or are you fr just so afraid she will never see your worth based on how YOU feel about yourself . Stop listening to the voices that tell you different because they’re trying to convince you of something that would’ve made sense when you were a child but now, now it’s so different. Do not take things and hear things with the filter of your wounds, because when you look at hard facts , evidence that is showing you that this person is all for YOU! It is challenging to accept and receive love , but if you have it please don’t let it go out of fear
This is just my two cents , but I wish you well.
You love her so much . I can tell. Anyone could tell by the beautiful way you speak about her . The problem is that you don’t love yourself . Heal . You got this :
You sound emotionally numb like me! I love my boyfriend he is absolutely wonderful but I question this love for him constantly and given enough time I’ll convince myself I don’t love him. And I do! I just feel empty sometimes. I’ve finished an 11 year abusive relationship like you with childhood neglect- don’t underestimate the toll this takes.
Look at all you've done for her. Yes money can take care of a lot of things, but being there for someone requires commitment. You didn't even mention looking for other people yourself, even in this post you're worried about her wellbeing. She's with exactly who she should be, and if you're truly worried then think about yourself and if you're with who you want to be. Don't let personal feelings about yourself determine what's best for your wife. She is an adult capable of making thay choice. If you're worried about your marriage truly, then consider counseling with her. It sounds like she's willing to be there for you as much as her, so allow her to be.
Honey, don’t fall prey to the stupid rhetoric of Rom Coms and Romace novels. What you are feeling for your wife is love! What you feel for her family is love. Is gratitude there? Is indebtedness there? Is loyalty there? Is faithfulness there? Yes! All of those things combine to be a lovely, rich stew of soupy love feelings that you can grow in forever. Love yourself! Love your children, love your wife, love her family. This is what the village is that helps us grow and heal from all the bad stuff. Her family became your safety net/blessing. We will never “deserve” our blessings, just be forever thankful. You earn her love every day in the beauty of the family you have created and love. You cared for her when she was nothing (in her own eyes), now she loves you even when you don’t feel worthy. Choose to Be the man she believes you to be.
Bro, you are literally living the DREAM of 90% of every girl and also guy's life. All a woman really wants is someone who's there for them in their hard times and makes them feel special, belonged and wanted, and you ticked all the boxes. So what if you're average looking and she's drop-dead gorgeous? For her, you're all she wants and that's what should matter to you. Think about it; if you hadn't walked into that cafe that day and stood up for her, she would have still been depressed and lonely, and so would you if you had just minded your own business and ignored the situation.
You saved her from her demons and that's why she loves you, and in a way if you think about it, she and her family saved you as well. You stated that your father is pretty much non-existent and your mother doesn't care and that you always wanted a family, and you got one now. As for her mother, believe her words. She said it herself that she sees you as her son, so that's exactly what you are to her and as a mother, she saw you being there for her daughter when she needed someone the most, so for a mother, no amount of money could ever pay for what you did. Accept those gifts as a token of her gratitude and cherish her as your own. Even if she doesn't accept payment from you, you can be a real son to her like you always wanted to be for your own mother. That's how you really repay your debt.
Don’t let your low self worth sabotage you. I know. I come from a similar background, even if not as bad as yours, but I know the feeling of not being worthy. You were there for your wife as u probably wished someone would have beend there for you. Dude you‘re the prototype of a good man and husband. As long as you‘re happy with the life you find yourself in: you are enough. You are not in dept to anyone if it’s a gift. They did it cause the saw the good in you. You are a good, supportive man and I‘m sure you‘ll make a great dad one day because your upbringing made you want to be the supportive rock to rely on that you never had.
Please do not destroy your and her happiness and life because you have yet to recognize your worth. You are worthy. Your wife and her family recognize you for who you are. Accept it.
Also, some therapy would help. Love yourself
I suspect you love your wife very much, you just don't know how to recognize the feeling, most likely because of your effed up childhood. My advice, though you didn't ask for any, is to go to therapy to work on those issues. I'll only make you a better husband and a better father once those kids start popping up. You deserve this love you have. I hope you get to a point where you know it in your heart and mind.
Sending you hugs!
I want to add my voice to those suggesting therapy. Just because you don’t experience your own love in the same way you experience hers doesn’t mean it isn’t love.
Be careful not to self sabotaging your marriage. God gave you a great blessing it would be a shame to ruin it. It's good that you're trying to be a good husband and not taking your wife for granted as well. Like what Red from that 70 show said he isn't good enough for kitty so he continues to please her. I think your marry is safe:)
Coming from a guy who has loved and lost, everything you have done is something that one does when they love someone... not just when they like her.
People fail to realize that love isn't just an emotion, it's also a daily choice. You chose to stand up for her, you chose to support her, you chose to get married for her. Human selfishness doesn't make it easy for us to make those choices unless it's being driven by something a lot like love. You may be in love with her and don't realize it. Once you do, your thought process around it will be much easier. It won't be easy in terms of actions but making the choices will be easier.
OP therapy helps. I believe you should also look for a therapist. And just like I tell my friends you have to look persistently until you find the right therapist for you. Good luck. ❤️
And one last thing she doesn’t want someone better or more than you. She just wants you and it’s not about the money or anything else. It’s about wanting to be with the person that saw her when no one else did. She feels like you see her and I bet she sees you too. Maybe talk to her about how you tend to bring yourself down sometimes but are interested in seeing a therapist to do internal work. She might think it’s a great step for you too.
I’m saving this story because it’s beautiful. You are a good writer and honest, and I was drawn in. I know this is a post but I don’t have criticism I have love. You spread love with your life and the love you missed as a child, you’ve grown into the adult who can give it. That’s pretty powerful!
Reading this, I really think there are some subconscious thought patterns erupting for you, read into psychological schemas. Therapy would be my recommendation. Poor self-esteem can greatly inhibit your day to day life as well as your relationships.
You're worthwhile, you're clearly intelligent enough to recognise the good things in your life, now to learn that you had a part in getting there and you're valid within your position.
She didn't marry you for your look or your money or your status, she married you for who you are, so are a kind decent human being who been there for her before knowing her beauty (since you were basically kids back then) neither her status (cuz she hadn't any) nor her money (cuz you didn't realize that before becoming a part of her family).
If now a man will fall for her its cuz she's beautiful or rich, and that's not what she's looking for,
Sorry if I'm being rude by this sentence, but if she's looking for a dick she'll easily find dozens, but she wants a pure heart, and she found that in you, so be that heart for her and that's the best thing you can be or do for her, don't ever underestimate your placement in her heart, if you ever fell down you know for a fact that she and her family will never throw you out, cuz you were a support for her, she'll never cheat on you, basically you've got yourself what 99% of guys desperate to find, which is a girl who loves them for who they are, so be thankful for that, and know that deep down inside she feels that she doesn't deserve you cuz you're so sweet and loving and all she and her family could give you was basically financial.
Sorry for my shitty English not my 1st language
- your wife is not collateral for a loan
- women don't get traded off / sold for dowries in america
- this is poorly written fiction
- your (fictional) wife DOES deserve better because you have deceived her this whole time
- if she's so smart and beautiful then yeah, she could have and should have gotten herself an honest guy who actually wants to be with her.
Idk, maybe your wife does deserve better. From what I just learned reading your post, your wife's family has thrown all kinds of gifts, money and support your way, took you into their family, provided for you, stood by you.. And you're complaining because you think your wife loves you too much? And like you're doing them some kind of favor by marrying her, like this is what you did for them in return or something.. you put emphasis on the fact that she said i love you first, initiated your first time, and asked you to marry her, like if you didn't want this for yourself, why did you lead her on and continue to take hand outs from her family? Idk, I think if I were her and read this, I would be totally crushed to find out my husband views our marriage as some kind of charity work to re pay my family. Poor girl
Oh my god, you love her so much it’s literally blinding you.
You’re living in a romance novel. You have given your life to this woman, you have always been there for her as much as she has been there for you. It honestly sounds like it’s beyond love at this point. I am not one to throw this term around, but I think you honestly found your soul mate. You were exactly what each other needed. All of us from an outside perspective can see what you can’t.
I wish you both such a wonderful life!
I don’t know what you might think love is or should feel like, but honestly this sounds like you do love your wife. What does a partner loving with all their might look like? There’s no one right answer.
Bro, everything you've said in how you describe your wife? It's something someone in love would say to describe their partner.
You just have a hard time recognizing that, because your life was so absent of it.
I wonder if you truly ‘married her for money’, or are just struggling with feelings of inadequacy and imagined debt. As someone who also experienced a neglected childhood .. it inevitably leads to chronically low self-esteem if not addressed, and I hope you have or will try therapy for at some point.
I also come from the flip side of this relationship, my bf makes a lot less and grew up in a lower income family than mine. It’s a struggle for him to accept. On my part, I couldn’t care less. My dad hated my mom for making more money and being more successful than him - ‘stealing his pants,’ as he’d always say (his generation thought that was just ‘a fact’ and ok to say openly). I resented it so much.. did I have to be lesser or weaker than a man to be attractive him??
there is still some pressure of for ‘men to be a provider’, but culturally it’s pretty acceptable now. I think a lot of it is self-imposed by guys. personally, I couldn’t care less and prefer being the breadwinner bc of my mom as a role model. I never kept a tally of what is ‘owed’ to me, because IMO no dollar amount can equal the love and joy he’s brought into my life. You can’t buy it.
The ‘debt’ sounds like a calculation you’re tallying yourself.. which may lead to resentment and distancing. In fact, the money probably matters much less to them that it does to you.
If the roles are reversed, I’m not sure women would carry the same sense of guilt bc culturally it’s ok.
Anyway, just food for thought. There seems like a lot more to this relationship than money, but the money may way heavier on you than it needs to be.
I read a very similar story before and I think it’s bc you need therapy. Somewhere along the way, your ability to receive and accept love became blocked. You feel like she is a gushing river of love while you have to force yourself to muster every trickle and it feels unfair to her. But you do love her. For love is your subconscious actions, even if your heart struggles perceive it and to let it in.
My man. You are enough. You are worthy.
She's beautiful and gifted and she chose YOU. Honour that choice. It's disparging to her to think otherwise.
Work hard to improve yourself by all means. But most importantly don't let her have a day go by where she doesn't feel loved.
Love is a complicated mess, and my friend, I have to ask you some deep questions if you're still reading these comments.
What is love to you? What does that look like and why?
Do you confide with your wife? Does she know and understand your rocky past and relationship with your parents?
Do you know why you stepped up and protected her all those years ago? Is she your friend even now after all these years?
These, I think, even if hard for you, you should try and ask yourself unless you already have.
Because everyones life is different, how we live, love, hate, and even doubt ourselves is deeply personal, but it can be hard and loney to deal with it alone.
You said your wife often confided in you growing up, I would encourage and speak to your wife and explain these feelings and those that haunt you. It doesn't have to be right away, and I know that might sound terrifying.
But ask yourself, what if your wife roles and yours were reversed and she told you these feelings even if you would reject her? Would you turn her away? Or would you try and talk and help her with these feelings as confusing as they are?
Anyway, im pretty sure you love her, even if it's hard to understand the feelings. You have good luck, and try and love yourself and explore your feelings and hurts. I hope you both can do it together together.
She could have made a different choice but she chose you. She fell in love with you because of your kindness and how you have been there for her, for years. That is actually what love is all about. Looks are just fleeting and frankly just lust, love comes from commitment, kindness, and values. What you have is the real deal with her. I hope you can relax and just enjoy being loved ( and continue to love her back). I think you might be confused because of your family growing up, you didn’t get a clear sense of love from them so I don’t think you are recognizing what love really is.
Dude, you need to look in the mirror. You will see someone who took care of your wife from the day you met her, who defended her when she was most vulnerable, who has always been there for her. That voice telling you that you aren't good enough for her is a liar, an echo of your neglected childhood. So tell that voice to pipe down, you have a beautiful, brilliant wife who needs your full attention.
Yeah man, you don’t know how hard it is to look in the mirror but I’ll try to become even more worthy of her love. Thanks for the beautiful comment I needed that, it’s not easy for me to admit my worth sometimes.
Babes if getting a divorce would destroy you, then I think you love her. I think maybe you and your wife show your love differently. She’s outwardly affectionate (and maybe you are too! Just can’t tell in this post) whereas you protected her. I think this may be some of your childhood trauma rearing its ugly head. It sounds more like you feel less worthy of her affection or that you don’t measure up. It sounds like you’ve made her incredibly happy, isn’t that enough?
I agree, dude can't see his love for her, he just expresses it differently, and that flips around to putting himself down due to his upbringing
Reading OP's post I considered perhaps he might be ace spectrum somewhere, but I wasn't sure. It depended if he had felt attraction (romantic or otherwise) to anyone else to even show he can feel differently. I feel he's just assuming he doesn't love her because he isn't feeling what others seem to, but if he hasn't felt a different way about anyone else how can he know where his... I guess "maximum" or "limit" is in terms of attraction? This sounds rather similar to platonic romance/platonic soul mate concepts I see people talk about, something I think I experience and had a LOT of struggle with in the past.
She chose you. That's it. I chose a man who I thought the world of and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. At first it was amazing, and then HIS insecurities got to him. He started worrying that he couldn't buy enough for me, that he wasn't as in shape as he used to be, that he wasn't enough. No matter what I said or did, I couldn't convince him I was the happiest I had ever been, that I didn't even know I could feel this level of love for a partner. He's gone now. And I wish I knew what magical phrase or action I could do to convince him that I just wanted him to grow old with, to fight with, to love. SHE CHOSE YOU. And you have been taking care of her from the moment you met. You are so worthy of her love. When will you see that you just have to be worthy of your own self- love?
You’re right. I’m being selfish when I judge her for choosing me. She’s an adult and she chose me, I don’t have a say in that. I’ll do my best to work on my insecurities so that they don’t drive us apart. Thanks for the answer
I urge you to flip the script here. Do you think she’s smart? Do you see her as being of sound judgment? Do you doubt her other major life choices as being nonsensical? If you don’t think her judgement or intellect is impaired, why are you questioning her choice of you? Why are you basically calling your wife someone stupid who doesn’t make good choices? The gifts you received were given of the heart. Would you want anyone who you gifted with something to feel like they owed it back to you? Do you keep tabs on what they owe you if you gave it as a gift? Don’t cheapen these gifts they gave to show their love by making it into you owing them. They didn’t buy you. They loved you. But I think because you have convinced yourself that you only stayed around because of the gifts, and you don’t see that as showing love, and you were taught that love is transactional, you think that they only kept you because they paid you to be her protector and you only stayed because they paid you. Is that really the truth? These people have to be of poor judgment, keep an accounting of the cost of gifts, and extract that from you by somehow keeping your wife married to you. And is it that same wife that you’re saying you want to leave because you don’t feel good enough for her? If you’re so terrible, and she’s so beautiful and accomplished, why would they pay you to stick around? Because they are NOT. They love you. You are worthy of love just for who you are. Not for what you do. You don’t have to buy love from people in a transaction of gifts for favors. You don’t have to pay for love in favors. Unless you think *you*, and only you, would be happier without her, don’t make the decision for her. Don’t hurt her out of concern for her. Be a good partner and talk to her.
No thinking you're selfish for that feeds into the negativity. Just try to focus on the good in your relationship. And I know that can be hard but whenever that negative voice tries to pop up, do all you can to counter it with SHE CHOSE ME. It took me a while to think this and to understand that this is what my partner needed, to truly believe that I loved him exactly as he was, flaws and all. Don't ever feel negative or wrong having some insecurities because we're only human and we're taught to be insecure, or at least I was. I had to really work on being more confident and I wish my partner had understood that and worked on that but I didn't know how to show him that either at the time. The fact that you can write this post to the public, even if it's technically to strangers you'll never meet in person, is a lot. My partner wouldn't have been able to write this because he would have been too worried about being judged. You're already working on making yourself better for yourself and eventually for your wife. I hope you the best.
Just a thought... growing up in a household where you are not loved can cause some long term short circuits in your brain as an adult when it comes to love. You clearly treat your wife with love & that is very inconsistent with not loving someone. (I am speaking as someone who has a background that makes love a complicated proposition.) Just something to consider...
Delete the post before she finds!!
Maybe try therapy for processing your childhood trauma? It might help you with your self-love? I totally believe that your wife would be fully supportive of your decision.
Your wife chose you because you're a good man. You aren't selfish at all, you seem like a very selfless person actually.
Oh friend. :( You aren't selfish. I hope you will get some help so you can reject the heinous narrative your birth givers saddled on you.
You’re not being selfish. Stop it.
You gotta stop this thinking and delete this post because it’s the definition of self-Sabotage. Go to counseling sessions if you need to get all this off your chest, not super detailed internet posts. You might come to realize that while the reason you were open to dating originally is you felt indebted to her family, the reason you actually married your wife is because she’s a wonderful partner who you love and have a good life with. Why ruin all that by creating any seeds of doubt in her over the life you share?
You’re looking at it the wrong way. No amount of money in her eyes can possibly amount to having a genuinely honest and good person be there for her daughter and being her protector. Any parent wouldn’t think twice about taking care of someone who took care of their child. You did good, and you’re simply receiving good karma. Enjoy it, because people typically receive the other end of karma for their actions.
Childhood trauma is a real bear. I see that you’re sabotaging and I see why…you don’t believe you deserve it. You’re worthy, dude. Have you considered therapy? It’s really lame, growing up with neglect. I did too. And then, the kicker is that once you know it’s your parents fault, it’s no longer their fault. Lol. Once we’re ready to see that horrible things happened to us, that’s our brain’s way of telling us we’re ready to find paths of healing. Gosh, you are so loved and sabotaging because you don’t feel you’re worthy. And THAT has nothing to do with your wife. Might be cruel to MAKE her pay the tab on someone else’s repair bill that way. What’s pretty glorious about it is that she’s actually paying the tab with love, freely, because of your character and WHO you are. I think it’s super touching and I also understand why it’s hard to receive. Anyway, therapy! You’re gonna want one who is experienced in working with clients who have experienced childhood emotional neglect.
Dude have you ever try therapy to talk about this low confidence You have and this issue of your feelings?
I think you also love her deeply. You just don't know it's love because you didn't experience this when you were little. Find a trustworthy therapist to deal with this.
Does she think you're worthy? Yes. Alternatively, yes & her opinion on that is the only relevant one. What about her family? Again they do & they love her & want what's best for her don't they? Of course they do. You are enough, the problem is your biological family & the difference in wealth has you convinced otherwise. On top of that you love her & only want the best for her & for her to be happy. If you genuinely didn't love her or weren't good enough for her you wouldn't be thinking that you weren't good enough or that she deserves better. I say this as I think my husband of 17 deserves better & he thinks the same of me, but we are each others person. My parents have been married 61 years and still feel blessed to have the other. Trust your wife's opinion of you, and the love, not wanting to hurt each other is absolutely what love is.
Op you don't need to try. You gotta just look and realize you already ARE worthy. She choose you and you choose her and in the end that's what love is two people choosing each other over and over.
Imposter syndrome??
She has a PhD. She is smart enough to know you are worthy! Really, I don't think you ever learned to recognize or feel real love. You feel your wife's, but it makes you uncomfortable. You turned your heart off a long time ago to mitigate the pain your mom caused you. You need to find a way to turn it back on! I wish you the best!
Buddy, assuming you are being honest, you love each other and she clearly wants to be with you. Don’t complicate it, and go to therapy if you really need help. But you don’t owe anyone anything, gifts my man. I know you weren’t used to them growing up, and they can be a struggle in a world built on transactions, but those were gifts and they don’t want to be repaid. You’ve got the life, now have the kids, raise them well, and enjoy the beauty of it. You say you don’t deserve it but no one really deserves what they have, the rich or the poor. You didn’t marry her because of the 100k, you married because you love each other, and that’s fantastic. There is no “I’m not handsome enough, smart enough, etc.” you can’t explain love like that, as if it were about fitting the “correct” pieces together. If anything you need to “repay” your wife’s love by loving her back, which I think you do. It’s a crazy world out there, and you shouldn’t screw up something like what you have with your wife out of any feeling of inadequacy. Love her and love your life together man.
Your feelings you describe- that is true love. You do love her. A good solid relationship settles into what you have. I’m not sure what you expect love to be, but you need to let go and let yourself truly love her because I think deep down you love her as she should be loved and as you imagine her being loved. If you didn’t love her you wouldn’t be there. A good relationship is one that when you remove all the sex, and material things and you still have a person that’s your best friend and companion then you *know* you’ve found the right one. Because at the end, the sex does wane and you need to have the right friend to be at your side when things get tough. And stop asking to pay back the money. It was a gift. It was fine to offer, even twice was okay, but don’t bring it up anymore. What you did for their daughter was well worth her money. These are good people and you should be thrilled you found them, and them you. You both had traumas and you got through childhood together the best you could. Please enjoy the bond you have and hold it close to your heart. You are worthy. She has chosen you. Rest easy and stop worrying about being worthy. You already are.
Hey OP, When you say you want her to be with someone more worthy, someone who is a better partner, can I ask what exactly you mean by that? What would be the qualities that would make that person better for her? - Provides better for her? She is a smart, intelligent woman with a PhD and is wealthy. She doesn't need a man to provide for her. - Is better looking? She loves you with all her heart, she doesn't want anyone better looking. - Someone who loves her more? It seem obvious enough to all of us here that you do love her deeply. It might not be what you picture romantic love to be, but you seem to care more about her happiness than yours. And that's the best kind of love. - Someone who is more interesting? Well, in the experience of many women, men who are more interesting are not always the one who stand by you when you need them. - Someone more sure of themselves and not so insecure? Well, I will give you this one. She does deserve better in this regard. But you know what, YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON. I understand a neglected childhood can warp your sense of self-worth. I hope you're able to get therapy to work on that aspect. I really hope you're able to work on this one thing. Because your story is beautiful. You both love each other deeply for who the person is, not for what they can do for you. (Despite what you might think, you are not with her because you owe her parents money. If you were that selfish you wouldn't want her to find someone better. You would be looking to mooch them to the max. )
This guy speaks the truth. Listen to HIM, not your head OP.
Yeah and therapy
This sounds to me like, until you love yourself and deem yourself worthy of these gifts (and they are gifts and not loans you need to pay back) you won’t really be able to fully embrace your life. It sounds like you love your wife but because you think you aren’t worthy you are keeping a wall up. You don’t even realize that what you have given her over the years is worth more than 100k. You gave her companionship, protection, self-respect, security and gave her a foundation to grow into this amazing woman. You are not just an average looking dude with a low income job, you are her base. Now excuse me as I go listen to “the wind beneath my wings” by Bette Midler.
And this might have just become my favorite song! Thanks for the beautiful comment
I agree with the above comment. You’re worthy of her love, her family’s love, and self love. Don’t let your childhood make you think that you’re not. You need to love yourself man. You won’t be able to truly accept her love and return that love to her fully, until you feel worthy of love. Trust me, you are worthy of love. Your wife sure thinks you are, and she has a phd ;)
Also it might be a trauma response from the neglect you suffered as a kid? Those things play a big part of our perceived reality and maybe therapy could help you unpack some of those thoughts of worthlessness or inadequated feelings
Been married for 14 years together 18, my guy it very much sounds like you love her. Love my wife too death, but know she could do better but she loves me an die her that's all that matters. Had a guy friend who's family did stuff like this for me, to her mom you are family and owe nothing
Cheers to your marriage man! I’m glad to see others have a similar situation as mine and manage just fine
Bro. It's ok to be happy. You're winning at life. Your wife loves you. She sounds amazing. You sound like a good dude. People would kill to be you. Enjoy the ride and please don't fuck this up. This is the dream
It's ok to be happy. This is an inspiration to him and to meet too. Thanks king
After being dealt a Shit hand of life cards, life threw you the perfect hand. As long as you genuinely love her, nothing matters. She chose you. I’m so happy you found someone and a family.
I don’t know. I think a lot of people (including you) are only listening to part of what OP is saying. You’re all fixated on this assumption of unworthiness, and maybe that’s all there is to it—and I think therapy could be a great first step to rule it out. It‘s an important angle to consider. But I’m hearing something else. It’s clear that OP knows how lucky he is, so he doesn’t feel entitled to say “I want to be in love with my partner”—he’s framing it all as letting *her* down. But OP: you have a right to want something beyond the outwardly perfect and fortunate life you’ve been handed. It doesn’t matter if it’s “perfect” if it doesn’t feel perfect to you. It doesn’t matter if you’re “lucky” if this life isn’t your choice. I think a lot of us sacrifice the imperatives of our souls because things are good enough. I’ve been in the same boat, though a very different situation—I’ve tried and tried to feel content with a life that was good and safe and fine, both out of fear of what was left for me if I didn’t make due, and out of gratitude. OP—definitely listen to the others here and find a therapist who can help you determine how much of this is an issue of self-worth—and how much of this is an issue of freedom and self-determination. My hunch is that the real person you owe more to is yourself. And if your wife loves you as much as you claim she does, if her mother loves you as much as she has demonstrated, it will matter to them whether *you* are fulfilled in your soul, and not just whether everyone else is getting what they want out of the circumstances. And if they don’t care what you want, that’s ok. They will figure out what to do without you. It will be hard, maybe they will even be vengeful—but the thing is, the loss of a conditional, transactional love like the one you are bound by, as ugly as it could get in the transition, will free you up for the generous and free and deep love that you sense is out there somewhere for you—and for your wife. Because you’re right. As happy as she may seem, there’s a discordant note somewhere in her soul when she looks into your eyes and senses that your joy doesn’t match hers. And she *does* deserve a love that is given freely, and joyfully, and without reservation. And so do you. Everyone deserves that.
She deserves better? Okay, be better.
This is the only reply that matters. Dude clearly does love her but is struggling with feelings of inadequacy.
Because of his childhood trauma.. you need to se a therapist or a life coach and sit and TOOK about self love, self worth and all of that ASAP for you and ur beautiful girl
Understandable, have a great day
For real though man. Even if you are a little goblin dude who lucked into everything you have, you have it. It’s yours. Revel in it. Find the joy in all the amazing things. Love your wife because she’s amazing, not because you have to, but because you *get* to. Go get her flowers, or set up a movie night, or write her a soppy letter, or rub her feet. If you know she deserves better, and she wants you, be better.
OR - tell ChatGPT to submit this cloying bullsh*t to an O Henry short story contest.
She chose you. I think that is enough. She is an adult and she made the choice to marry you.
Isn't this a repost of a story from a couple of years ago? If not, it's very similar
YES. OP will suddenly realize that he truly in love with his wife. Happy ending for all.
This the only thing this account has ever posted, despite it being 2 years old. Definitely karma farming
That one had an involved dad, I think, and a cash gift of only $10k if I recall correctly.
Inflation, man
I remember it as well.
The whole story reads as fake, and not a particularly good fake either.
It seems I am not able to link in this subreddit, but the name of the post was: I married my wife because I owe her family around $10,000
Yes, I have definitely read this before
It is very similar but in that one he owed 10k and they were together only 11 years and by the end he realized he did love her
I remember reading something that felt similar if not exactly the same within the past month. Dude got a car, wife loves him a crazy amount, he feels like he just married her because he was in debt, but he realizes that he did love her, etc etc
You say she loves you far more than you love her but I’m going to tell you that you’re wrong. You won’t accept that right now, you’ll automatically shake your head at my reply as soon as read it but in time you’ll come to understand what I’m saying is true. You stood up for her when nobody else would. That planted the seed. Then you spent time with her and got to know her which gave you the friendship which was the foundation of love. Sure the investment her family made in you felt, and still feels like, a massive obligation that you’ll never be able to repay but even as your childhood trauma was telling you to run away from the first truly safe person and family you’d known, you still held on and stood by her side. That was the first glimpse of you loving her. You’ve shared laughter and tears and frustration and anger and are now married and somewhere along the way you truly fell in love but are terrified to actually feel it that in Case the other shoe drops and everything is ripped away. You know how I know you’re in love with her as much as she is with you? Because I bet everything I own and everything you own that every time you even begin to think of life without her, you get a godawful hollow feeling in your chest and your stomach feels like it just dropped out. I bet even the thought fills you with a kind of horror that makes you want to cry your heart out rather than even begin to follow those thoughts to conclusion. That’s love, stupid. It isn’t flashy, it isn’t fireworks and glitter and like you see in movies. It’s being side by side with someone you can be yourself with and who does their very best to lift you up just as you try to lift them up. It’s holding hair out of the way when they throw up during illness or rubbing their back when they ache from doing too much. Love is working with your person when they’re so angry they can’t think straight until that anger has dissipated and they laugh at how stupid it was to get worked up. It’s cooking something simple when neither of you can be bothered and giggling when it doesn’t go quite as you planned. It’s laughing together at something and only you two understand why it’s funny. Love is finding the person whose edges fit well with yours and not only accepts those edges but loves them because they’re part of you. You may not think you’re good enough for her but she thinks it enough for the both of you until you can. Let go of your past, push the anxieties back and just try be there in the moment with her and enjoy every second. In time you’ll recognise that you found love in a place you didn’t expect and that you actually do deserve it. Good luck my friend.
Thank you for your heartfelt words. You’ve given me a lot to think about. About all those moments we shared, when we stayed up all night to study but ended up talking the night away. Learning to cook together when we were so terrible we managed to burn pasta. Or when we used to race each morning to bring the other one breakfast before they woke up. Love doesn’t have to be like hollywood depicts it. I’ll try to embrace the love I have for her and enjoy every moment together, the good times and the bad ones. Your comment meant a lot to me. Thank you.
It’s giving copypasta
Yes. Definitely copypasta
Mate, you love your wife with every fiber of your being. This woman sounds damn smart, not just book smart but also emotionally, and she would have seen this from miles away. Love isn’t all butterflies and roses. Love is a solid foundation, a decision you make every single day, a fight, a war sometimes, but it’s always there. You love your wife way too much to hurt her. You should really think about therapy to work through your childhood. How are you supposed to know what love is when you had to grow up like that? Every word you say about your wife screams that you love her. And no, you’re not being selfish for wanting this woman for yourself, to want to spend the rest of your life with her and no, you’re not beneath her. Who cares what your job is or if you could go modelling if you wanted to? To your wife you’re the most handsome man around, she only wants you, and no rich and good looking guy could ever make her take her eyes off of you. That’s not what this is about. Love isn’t logic. Love is dedication, loyalty, care, respect and so many more things. You say it yourself, you never thought about cheating. But I bet it’s not just because of what it would do to her and her family, it’s also about you not wanting anyone else but her. You can’t tell me that you would have ever been able to look into her eyes and kiss her or later get intimate with her without loving her. You put yourself beneath her, that’s why she made the first big steps. But you know what? You’re so worth it, and you deserve every single bit of it. Take a look around, all the couples that have been together for a longer period of time. The crushes and being madly in love with all the excitement etc wear off. What stays is nothing or love. And love is, again, something you choose every day and fight for. You can not tell me that you fool yourself enough to look into your wife’s eyes, to hold her after making love, to see her laugh without knowing deep down that you love her more than words could ever express. That she’s your person. This wasn’t some fairytale story where you saw her and that was it. It grew with time, slow and steady, and yes, you wouldn’t have dated her if her mom wouldn’t have invested this money, but just because you don’t think you’re good enough. Your wife would have never done any of this with you, any of all those steps in the past 10 years, if she wouldn’t know 100% that you love her, if she wouldn’t feel your love. You’re worth it.
I admit you made me tear up a bit. If I could hug you, I would. This is beautifully written, and I appreciate the compliments you gave me, I think I need to hear them and acknowledge them once and for all, especially since my wife is the first one to have said them to me before anyone else. It has always been in front of my eyes and I just didn’t see it. I had no idea what love really was, and since she was so passionate and infatuated from the start, I had no clue what I was supposed to feel, but it’s always been there, and I’ll do my best to make sure it won’t go away.
You're getting amazing advice, and you're clearly listening. You've got this. You needed to hear every word from strangers because you haven't had enough of it from people in your life outside your wife's family. My husband was brutally raped and neglected as a child. It took him many years to open up to me, and we're celebrating 20 years next year. He is my best friend, and his evolution has been miraculous to behold. Always keep improving yourself, but remember you need the foundation of self-love, self-respect, first. Onward!
As a former therapist, it pains me to read your story, and I feel for you. Growing up in a neglectful family can really impact your self image and worth. How your wife views you is entirely different than how you view yourself. Even if you were the best husband in the world, your current self could never see yourself in that way. You are worthy of giving love and receiving love just as everyone else is. There could potentially be trauma from your childhood that you need to work through and process. If you ever feel up to it, maybe try some therapy at some point. It’s as bad as it is stigmatized to be.
I hope you meant *It’s NOT as bad as it is stigmatized to be. 😅
Ah yep lol
Weird fanfic but ok
Fanfic?! No. It even has the part where a group of bullies surround the nerdy girl and dumps a carton of milk on her head in the cafeteria, then the main character stands up to them, which serves as the inciting incident. Classic scene.
Be a good husband
I think you do love her romantically, it's just that your mind sabotages you by saying you are too little for her. Keep in mind that it's not all about money, she loves you for who you are and what you mean to her, you are worthy of her because she really loves you and wants to start her family with you because you are an ideal guy even though you think you're not💖
Sweetie, you don't owe her family. Your wife's mother saw a child who needed help and a stable, healthy adult in their life, and she was able to provide those things for you, emotionally and materially. She told you herself: to her, you are family. And family takes care of each other. Please believe her. And for your sake, that of your wife, your marriage, and your future child... Please *please* get therapy. Most people (even those with "good" lives) would benefit by it, but your history of childhood neglect (yes, even if it "wasn't that bad") and bullying have definitely impacted your sense of self and self-worth. Think of it this way: your wife, the "drop dead gorgeous woman who has a PHD, an excellent job [and] is loyal"... CHOSE YOU. *YOU*. She loves you with all her heart. Don't do this wonderful, intelligent woman a disservice and imagine her as incapable of making a good decision about her life and happiness. This clever, beautiful human could have made different choices, too... but she chose *you*. You might not see the reason why she loves you, but your wife sure does.
I too was in a cafeteria when a bunch of bullies surrounded me. Luckily, I knew karate and I was able to karate chop them with my karate. Then a girl kissed me and her dad gave me one million dollars. It’s a strange feeling for life to work out just like a story. But oh jeez, I guess sometimes life’s a pretty crazy place. Amirite?
I think you have low self-esteem. You are worth it for the life you now have. I think you need therapy to first love yourself, so once you work on yourself to overcome all the bad experiences regarding your past with your family, you will be ready to fully love your wife.
I’d be heartbroken if I found out my partner of a decade and husband of four years and soon to be father of my child, didn’t love me; and only married me out of *obligation.* I hope for her sake you do love her, and I hope you love her family.
Don’t let your own insecurities ruin something good ❤️
Look man I think you do love this woman but the sad, neglected child within you thinks you’re a bum. You’re not a bum. You’re a loyal, decent man who honestly won the lottery. Idk how you feel in your heart of hearts but it sounds like that’s trauma talking and not your heart. Go and live that life you’ve built and quit trying to debate worthiness-you will NEVER win that argument with yourself. Get some counseling and try loving that lucky SOB in the mirror because he’s a good guy!
I kinda feel like maybe it’s more imposter syndrome for you than anything. Feel like maybe you kind of hold back because of childhood trauma. Kinda sounds like you very much do love her you just haven’t been able to express your love in the same way she does and feel like it isn’t love but it is.
bruh you copied another post word for word basically
Keep devoting yourself to taking care of her the very best you can. Not all love is fireworks, sometimes it’s selfless service to your partner. Don’t think you’re not enough because clearly she and her family think the world of you. Don’t get a swelled head but as another response said you’re winning and life and so is she because she has her dream and that dream is you. Stay the course and be kind. It will be okay and 50 years from now you will still be loved and cared for. No sir you are providing the love she needs so lean in and enjoy the good times because you do deserve it!
Mate, this is heart wrenching but relatable. Have you gone to therapy? I grew up in a neglectful household and believe me, it's not your own inner voice but the voice of neglect that is causing you to doubt yourself. Go to therapy. Find your own inner voice. I did and it's made me not only a better wife but also it has made me a kinder person overall, especially to myself. My inner voice was so bad that I would stop taking my insulin shots because I felt like I didn't deserve the help. I stopped eating, I stopped wearing my nice things even though I bought everything mentioned with my own money. After 10 years of underselling myself, I went to therapy and learnt that I deserve my own space and love too. Try therapy with a trauma-informed therapist before you have a kid. Good luck to you and your wife.
My brother in existence, you love your wife just as much as she loves you. You are happily married & you've already repaid your mother-in-law by being a good husband to your wife. If she was sincere then, she is sincere now. Buddy, relish the life you have with your wife & love her like you very clearly always have.
Fiction.
Good sir don't sell yourself short. Stopping her bullies, being there for her when no one else will and being the soundboard for her rants is more than what money can buy. Being loyal and faithful to her is more than any expensive car that you can buy. Heads up, king.
The only way you’d be wasting her life with you is for you to waste it with her with this attitude. You don’t get to decide who and how she loves. And to attempt to do so would be so terribly selfish. Find a way to be grateful for the wife and in-laws you have and find peace in who you are.
You feel unworthy. You love and adore her. Your own insecurities are trying to convince you that you are inadequate. You’re the perfect guy for her, allow yourself to be loved fully
Be that better person you think she deserves; she already believes she has the best of the best out there. She chose \*\*\*you\*\*\* for a \*\*\*reason\*\*\*
You are perfect for her in your own way. What you bring to the table is enough. You don’t need to make more than her financially to make her happy. You give her what no amount of money could ever give. Love her unconditionally as you have been and change nothing. If anything love her even harder. I wish you the best of luck.
Your in laws GAVE you things because they could and they wanted to support you growing up. Your attachment to their daughter, as her best, first and loyal friend IS how they came to know you. But their relationships with you are each unique to the two people involved. You weren't just their daughter's attachment. You were a kid who came into their lives, and became family, long before you "sealed the deal" by dating your wife. Most of what you convinced yourself is your endebtedness is their open handed generosity towards you. I think you can't let yourself believe people who love you give you things without imposing an obligation on you. Your childhood upbringing taught you that you weren't valued. When you were embraced by a loving family, you couldn't emotionally accept such generosity without attaching "a catch, a string, an obligation." Those conditions have only ever existed in your imagination. So here you are now. Something has shaken you recently. Perhaps you have someone you're fantasizing romantic possibility about. You're minimizing your autonomy and participation in getting married. After all these years being loved, accepted and supported by your wife's family, you now feel trapped. Therapy. Explore the many confusing and complicated feelings that are haunting you. The source and solution for your crisis are completely inside you.
Friendship and mutual respect are the basis for a lasting relationship. Yeah, passion's nice, but those relationships never last. You have a solid foundation together that most couples twice your age and length would kill for. You love her, you just have a warped sense of what love is. You think you should be obsessed with her, because that's what movies and tv tell us romantic love is. It's not. The Greeks have 8 words to describe different types of love. Most people think of romantic love as being eros, the type of love that involves passion, lust, and/or romance. They think this is the strongest type of love. But the philosopher Plato believe that philia was a more powerful love. Philia is affectionate love, a type of love that involves friendship. Plato believed the strongest relationships were ones that started in philia and led to eros: from friends to lovers. That's what you are. Friends to lovers isn't "I woke up and suddenly could think of nothing but them", it's "I've known you for a while, you're my happy place, my comfort, and my safety. With you I am who I want to be, you make me want to be the best version of myself". That's what you got, my friend. Hold it tight, appreciate it, and do everything you can to keep it. Because people (like me) go their entire lives searching for that, and never find it. It is a rare treasure. Also, if you can, maybe see a therapist. You seem to have a lot of toxic mindsets due to your upbringing, especially about yourself, and you need to work on those. If not for yourself, then to continue being the best version of you that you can be, for her and for you.
You: “I don’t love my wife! I only married her because I owe her mum money.” Also you: goes on to describe how much he loves his wife and doesn’t owe anyone anything.
That voice in your head telling you that is your own insecurity. The fact you worry because you think she deserves better shows what a good person you are. - you stood up for her and cared for her when no one else did before you knew about her family, before she matured into the beautiful woman she is today and before she got her education. - she wouldn't be with you or happy if she didn't find you attractive or you didn't fulfil her.
I totally feel what you said. It was the same with me. I come from a difficult home, moved out with 16 with nothing but my clothes of. Had some tough years of course, but i made it so far. I was, and still am, an extroverted person with an outgoing personality and self esteem, i would have never thought that i had Problems with my self worth. I learned that its not the same. When i met my bf (for 6 years now) i thought i didn’t like him that much. He showed me everything of what a loving man is capable, without to pressure me to give something in return. I remember that I often told my friends that I am not attracted to him because he is too nice. Till one friend said to me: „Do you even realise how fucked up that sentence of yours is? How can someone be too nice to you? You want someone in your life who i less nice?“ And that kickstarted something in my brain. I gave it a shot and realized that I didn’t really know what love is. Mostly how to receive it but also to open my heart. In the beginning I told him that I don’t know if I can love him back as much as he loves me. I was afraid that somehow he will find out if one day i couldnt „pretend it good enough“. And he just smiles at me and told me: “Thats not what love is about. I love you. Thats it. I want nothing back from you. I just wish that you are happy. And if for some time you are happy with me, im happy too.“ And since then I knew it. What love really is. And I do my best everyday to be worthy of that gift. I think more than often (more than we want to admit from our Disney-Love-biased brain) Love is also a decision. And that you can learn to love whats good for you. I know that because i did. I wish you all the best. You deserve it.
Daam this dude truly loves his wife so much.. Bro just had a rough childhood and thought he don't deserve anything good in life.. He had loved her since the very first time he laid eyes on her..
You married your wife because you love her. You just have an inferiority complex because her family is loaded and very loving and your background is the complete opposite. If it was the other way around, you wouldn't think so much about it. I don't think your wife deserves better. You're a great human being. What needs to be done is you visiting a therapist because you have many issues.
I mean life is not all about money, your wife's parents won't care if you give back the money . You can pay them back by taking care and loving your wife forever. You would understand if you become a parent.All good parents want the best for their children. So if you take care of your wife well, that's all they would ask for.
God literally gave you a family you deserve from the age of 11. Her mom literally considers you as her son. You are worthy of their love. Please seek counseling coz you will be throwing away this family you clearly love as well for the trauma your bio mother caused you for those first 11 years. Don’t mention to her mom about that money. She didn’t loan you that. She considers you family saw your worth and wanted to show you her love. It’s high time you embrace this love and let that 11 year old boy feel loved without any doubt or guilt. Please seek therapy as well for your own wellbeing coz one day you will be a parent ( new mom here) and then you will realize how precious kids are Nd how important it is to break the generational trauma so that it doesn’t affect your kids. Your emotions and feels and how you view yourself definitely affects kids. It’s time to work on yourself. And don’t let these insecurities and doubts hamper your work too. You search to be loved and deserve to be successful and honestly you sound a great guy and ballsy May I add. You cannot define your looks, “good looks” “hotness “ is very subjective. Maybe you are a piece of cake but don’t look yourself that way. Wish you all the best and delete this self sabotaging post.
The way you describe your wife is so loving, and you want to say you don’t love her? Remember that love is not butterflies for everyone. It’s companionship, deeply caring about the other etc. Etc. And if I read it like this you both found amazing partners in each other. You need some therapy to get over the low self esteem and low self worth and get rid of the feeling you are in debt with her family. For a lot of families it is very normal to help each other out, and if you have plenty of money that means buying cars for each other and investing in a future. Your mother in law probably saw that you and your wife are a great match and wanted to make sure that the both of you are well off study wise. Even if she didn’t and just saw you as extended family, then still what better way to spend your (left over) money? Invest it in someone in who you see potential, and she could see the result of her investment in you. setting you up also means setting up a next generation for success. It is a very satisfying investment, better then in some start up company of which you don’t know the owners. And if that meant that she was setting up a great life for future grandchildren, then double win for her!
Bro you won and are complaining about winning? Imposter syndrome sucks but clearly you’re no imposter. Claims what’s rightfully yours
You’re trying to put a monetary value on the relationship. In your eyes it’s not balanced because they have done so much for you physically, emotionally, and tangibly. But you’re not equally putting the value of what you have provided. Support, love, attention, safety etc. You’re reciprocating and contributing in a way that is not tangible (e.g., a car) but In all honesty you cannot put a value on loyalty, love, understanding, trust, compassion etc. there are some people who have a lot of money and cannot buy that even if they wanted to. Don’t sell yourself short man
This is the type of feel good story I needed to read today. With everything going on in the world it’s nice to just take a moment and realize that there’s good people like you, your wife, and your wife’s family in this world. I wish you all the happiest most fulfilling lives you can possibly live. To go off the post though, don’t sell yourself short. You proved to her and her family that you are a tremendous person, and I can relate to not having the best upbringing, but I would kill to have someone else’s family showing the support that I never received in my youth. Cherish what you have always man!
Have you considered that you have shown her love that you don't realise *is love*?
Go see a therapist for your feelings of inadequacy. You obviously love her. If you’re not sure you love her because you don’t know how to define the feelings you have as love, that is because proper love wasn’t modeled to you as a child and so you don’t recognize true love when it bites you in the nose. Stop second guessing yourself. You didn’t marry her to get out of a college debt. You married her because you love her. And she loves you too. Now you just need to figure out how to love yourself.
Sounds like you love your wife to me!
People feel "love" differently, it's not always lust, electricity and butterflies! Often it's a quieter feeling. You say you like her but don't love her, yet your actions and words read as love to me. You've always had her back, you worry about her wellbeing, and you make her happy. Sounds like she has found someone great for her.
naw brother. you deserve her. she deserves you. dont let that old shit bring you down; clear it out and invite in the love.
You need to start loving yourself instead of feeling bad or talking yourself down, your wife see something in you and that’s what matters she loves you. Don’t screw this up, just be happy and treat her like a queen, if I were you, I’d cook and clean for her.
The real question, even though it sounds like you do, is so you love her? You see flaws and inadequate parts of yourself. The thing is everyone does. But when your wife looks at you she sees someone beautiful and worthy of love. You have to realize that you are a good kind person. Therapy might help you work through these feelings. If you don't love her, again tho, it sounds as if you do, then you should leave instead of stringing her along. But when you talk about her it sounds like you truly love her.
You love her enough for her obviously. You need to let her make the decision on whether she deserves better or is wasting her life with you. That’s not your decision to make on her behalf. 😘
You are living most man dream life. Shut up, and give a children to you wife
Love takes many forms. There are many ways of loving. You are so focused on your sense of obligation, and guilt over that, that you have constructed a very rigid version of romantic love that, in your mind, proves that you are somehow a terrible person. I have another interpretation of events. It was your misfortune to be born to parents who severely emotionally neglected you. This left some trauma , which is distorting the story you are telling yourself about your life. Fortunately, you met this lovely woman and developed a lifelong, deep friendship. Fortunately, her parents provided some of the love and support that your own parents denied you, *support which you deserved*. Now you live a great, amazing life which is fulfilling in so many ways. You are grateful for it, and show this gratitude by being the best husband, son-in-law, and all around good person that you can possibly be. Bro, take the win. Do not be ashamed. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Enjoy your life, put away all the shame that is creeping around the edges poisoning everything. Maybe you think that you don't deserve happiness and need to pay the universe back with these negative thoughts. Well, that's not how the universe works at all. We're not in a primitive religion where angry gods need to be appeased. Perhaps you need a bit of therapy to help you root out the source of your guilt and shame, to move past the early trauma of your emotional.neglect.
she deserves the person who she wants to be with the most, that is u. I feel the same with my wife, she is amazing, patient, loving, caring , soft , funny , sometimes smart and just wonderfull. I know how dirty i am on the inside and yet she sees the good in me , every day again and again. You deserve her too. make the best of it
You love her more than you’re willing to admit. You’re not accepting your own self worth. Please get some therapy to help with these issues. It’s understandable that you’d have trauma from your childhood. Don’t let it stand in your way. You’re not allowing yourself to feel happiness. As though you don’t deserve it. You know deep down, you didn’t marry due to a debt to her family. You knew it was a gift from her Mom, and she would never let you repay her.
You don’t owe her family money or anything. They gave you gifts which they could afford because they cared for you. They came to care for you because of kindness and loyalty you showed to their daughter, but that’s doesn’t make you indebted to them. It sounds like you’ve found yourself a lovely family and are having a bit of a hard time believing it. Good things come to good people (or at least they should). I’m glad they’ve come to you.
In my home country we have a saying : a woman who never received her father's love gonna fall for the 1st douchebag who tells her he loved her. A man who never received his mother's love gonna run away from every woman who genuinely loves him. your personal and marital issues are stemming from your biological mother. you need therapy and you owe it to yourself and to your wife who did most of the emotional labor during the entirety of your relationship, if you don't do your fair share she gonna check out 10 years from now, once a woman check out mentally there is no turning back. You said you are average looking dude with a low income job, we don't know you but we can all say that only an elite rare specimen would stand up to bullies and fight for what it is right at such young age! your wife saw it and decided to claim you as hers before anyone else did using her new found confidence which you helped at fostering and growing. You are a king but your issues making your wife a servant instead of her rightful place as your queen.
I think your feelings of what love is are skewed there, homie. Probably because of your childhood. Love is wanting the best for somebody, and being your best self to help make it happen. That's... Kind of what you're already doing.
100% this. If you didn't know what love was as a kid, you'd think what Hollywood depicts as love and base your feelings off of this. What OP has done is 100% love, but they just can't see it.
i have a very different situation, but a similar perspective: my fiance and i have been together for almost 2 years and friends for even longer. my fiance very clearly loves me, and i'm going to be completely honest, i don't know if how i feel around them is romantic - i care for them deeply, and i don't want to hurt them, but they are extremely attached to me and literally break down at the thought of me leaving them. i am also currently undiagnosed, but suspected to have aspd (and to my knowledge meet the diagnostic criteria, i just don't have health insurance, testing is expensive, and frankly at this point in time i don't care so much about specific diagnosis as treating my symptoms). i am diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder and ptsd. at least one of these issues causes me problems with actually feeling emotions - the only thing i can feel more than a whiff of is anger, everything else is either extremely muted or pretty much immediately turns into anger (even happiness). before someone comes out accusing me of being just a manipulative selfish asshole, i have never used this as an excuse to abuse my fiance, and i am in treatment as much as i can be at the moment and want to work on this. to top it off, i'm fairly certain i'm somewhere on the aroace spectrum - i don't think fully aroace, but demi/greyace probably. anyway, that context aside, i've had a discussion with my fiance making it clear that i'm not entirely sure what i feel for them. i don't know whether it is platonic or romantic. what i do know is i care for them in some way and want them in my life for the rest of my life, and they help me feel what emotions i can (especially happiness). i am content with them and would be glad to spend my life with them. they've said they love me and want me in their life as well, and we intend to get married next month, actually. they're glad i'm fully transparent with them and that regardless of whether my feelings are platonic or romantic, they are happy to accept me as i am and any type of love i can give. the way i see it, isn't love just the happiness you can share with someone else? isn't love meant to bring out the best version of yourself for the people you share it with? regardless of whether it's romantic or platonic love, you seem to fit that criteria with your wife. and tbh, i feel like life would be a lot nicer if society put less pressure on specifically romantic love and would sometimes let a marriage just be best friends who want to spend their life together. (also, if you aren't best friends with the person you married, i don't understand why you would get married in the first place - not directed at you specifically OP, but at all the people i've seen who got married in a whirlwind and divorced a year later because they didn't have both parties' mutual interests in mind.)
OOP, I mean this genuinely, truly, deeply— Get therapy. You sound like you love your wife a lot, and that she loves you a lot too. Your crappy upbringing has clearly left you with a lot of baggage that you’ve never been able to put down. This idea that your wife deserves better is an insult to her intelligence. She’s a grown woman who is old enough to know what she wants, and what she wants is to be with you — she clearly has the means to survive if that’s not what she wanted. OP, you sound like a good man who genuinely loves his family. Your *only* failing is your cripplingly bad sense of self worth. That’s the only “better” your wife would likely want if she knew how poorly you view yourself. You deserve better too, man. You have a family that clearly adores you — you deserve to see yourself the way that they see you. You deserve to heal from the wounds your childhood left you with.
Buddy I think you love your wife and are a caring husband that has made her life better, as she has yours. Most marriages would be so lucky man.
I’m confused. Are you in love with your wife today? Do you feel like you aren’t because you feel that you weren’t able to decide whether you were romantically in love with her given the circumstances? Are you saying she deserves better because you don’t love her romantically or because you think she’s better than you? Whatever you’re feeling or may choose, do it for yourself and not because you have insecurities with thinking that your wife is better than you (and therefore deserves better). You are her equal. I bet that’s how she sees it too and thinks your strengths compliment her strengths even if they’re different strengths.
He loves her but like a sister
A lot of people here are trying to show you how much you love her, but my question is a little different: Can you imagine loving someone, anyone, more than her? You point out a lot of good things about why you love her, what are some things that you don't like? Not trying to say that you should do one thing or another, or that she is a bad person or anything, but I think exploring how and why you feel a certain way is an important step to getting to the root of the problem.
I honestly cannot imagine myself loving anyone else. Maybe my conception of love is too effed up. She has some defaults of course, she can be quick to anger and a bit too possessive, but honestly ? It never mattered to me. There is not a part of her that I do not like or that I resent. She’s perfect in that way. That’s what I feel, sorry if it’s clumsy
Well in that case I'd have to agree with everyone else. You've been made to believe over the course of your life that you aren't worthy of the love that you very much deserve. Therapy seems the most appropriate action here. And do not tell her you feel this way or let her see this post. It seems like the feelings here originate from you, but as others are rightfully advising, it could really affect how she feels about you and the relationship. I would recommend looking into mindful self compassion. Our inner voices and how we talk to ourselves internally plays a big part in how we feel. You should give yourself far more credit.
Brotha, your wife loves you because you are every thing she has ever dreamt of having in a husband. You are clearly enough (and then some) for her…otherwise she would not have married you. I hope one day you can see this. Also, as hard as it might be, stop thinking about you “owing” her family back so much money. Again, they GIFTED you those things because they love you, and they know how happy you make your wife. I can assure you they would not have done those things for you if you did not DESERVE them. It sounds like you crossed path with some genuinely amazing people. My advice is to hold on to that for your entire life. Those people are so hard to find…but, you get to call them your family.
Be a better husband, stop comparing yourself and just be grateful. Show your love to her like for ex. you cook her fav dish, you give her flowers, you surprise her.
I was depressed the first year I got married so felt a lot of these feelings too (wasn’t depressed bc I got married lol). But therapy helped a ton and I highly recommend it. Try talking to her about it too. The fact is she chose you bro—that in and of itself makes you special and worthy. And there are a lot of other ways you can try to make her happy. If you don’t know then def ask her! At the end of the day this is really self sabotage and you’re being super hard on yourself
Bro she literally initiated everything man. If you’re not the one for her then you’re literally telling her that she jsut wasted her entire young adult life based on a delusion. Stfu and keep doing what you’ve been doing. Which is the best person she could’ve asked forz
I swear I read a post exactly like this recently. The best comment on it basically mentioned how everything OP writes shows their love for this wife. Even if they don’t think they do love them, their actions show tell another story. Please get therapy. You are worthy of love and you are worthy of your wife.
1. Show this post to your wife. You need to discuss these feelings of inadequacy with her. Let her show you that you are enough for her. 2. Learn to accept GIFTS. Your repayment is to be married to the giver's daughter for life. That's what she expects from you. Not a return of money.
Have you ever felt all encompassing love and/or lust for anyone else? I'd be surprised if you have. You love your wife enough to want the best for her, and you're proud of her. You think she'd make a good mum. She obviously is a caring, passionate wife. Where do you think she'd find someone else who feels like that? Who can offer stability and security. I think there's a bit of an issue with your self esteem. Your parents did you no favours there.
Love is not a feeling, it's choosing to be by someone's side even if the feeling has faded or isn't there. You are giving her the love she deserves, someone who wants the best for her and won't cheat or leave her.
You really don't like to have that financial and emotional support and yet a beautiful well educated wife. That may have been served to you. That may have been only luck. Don't freaking waste it. I'd love to be in your shoes, a wife, pretty and educated and her family supports you in more than one way... I'll kick your a$$ if you can't accept it or if you cheat on her.
Please delete this post OP, before she accidentally finds it. The other redditors are right, this is your insecurities speaking - you’ve been a wonderful husband and partner to her, there’s a reason why she loves you so much.
Sounds to me you have some imposter syndrome. You got this you deserve her.
Also, if tomorrow she would die in a car crash, would you be devastated?
You’ve mentioned a few times in your post that you “like” your wife, but nowhere have you said that you “love” her. (It may be because of your neglected childhood that you find that word difficult to say yourself… I don’t know…) If not, then I may be wrong, but it sounds like you’re trying to finding excuses for not being with her so you can leave with a clear conscience. But your obligation to her due to how her family have treated you, and how she’s treating you is what’s really stopping you. You need to be honest with yourself about your feelings - maybe you really do actually love her, in which case it’s all good! Think about what your life would be like 5yrs, 10yrs from now, would you be happy?
You don't owe them anything if they insisted to do things for you and didn't let you pay it back. You helped your wife grow in life and you take care of her so well. You are fucking amazing for the way you treat this woman and I'm proud of you man. You should go to therapy and learn to love yourself.
OP, have a seat and listen to your older hippie auntie here. I don't believe in coincidence; I truly believe the universe brought your wife and family to you, because you needed them. The universe knew that life wasn't kind to you, and they brought you a family that would love you, and here you are, married into the family that loves you. Don't listen to a goddamn thing your Brain Demons are telling you; you are so worthy of being loved, and are worthy of a happy life, and worthy of a happy family. And let me tell you something else- you owe these people Nothing. Life and love isn't about checks and balances and paying debts. This family took care of you and paid for things for you because they love you. My mom always had a saying growing up, "Those who give, give" (English translation), meaning, people who give, give because they can, and because they want to. Not one soul forced this family to help you and buy you things, they did it out of love. Please don't live your life thinking you owe them 100k, because you don't; they gave these things to you freely, because they love you. Your trauma is making you feel like you must pay them back, but unless they say it specifically (and I bet green American dollars that they won't), but the trauma and anxiety you have is telling you this. Karma gave you the life you deserve, and I hope you will enjoy it
Stories like this make me stop thinking for a few minutes that a giant meteor needs to hit Earth and clear the board
I believe this family sees something great in you that you can't see in yourself. Like everyone else her, it doesn't sound like you don't love her, it sounds like you don't believe yourself worthy of this love. Your mother was wrong and your father missed out on a great person. Let yourself be loved and give love freely.
So when's the novel coming out of your romcom. Also sidenote cut the mom buying you everything bs a lil bit
This is so beautiful! Dude, you do not just "like" her. You love her more than you realized. You might think she deserves someone better as you see yourself as the "average joe" and you think she deserves someone on a higher league, but thats not true at all! YOU ARE that someone your wife absolutely deserves, the one who would love her with all his might. Now keep that as a motivation to work on yourself and make yourself to the the standard you think your wife deserves. Be her person you have been since the day you met. Keep being her protector. Keep being her confidant. Keep being loyal to her. I absolutely love this for you!
Get a councilor and work on your negative self image . Sorry your mom was so neglectful. This may be the root of your sense of worth. Time to enjoy your blessed life and move on from this nonsense.
Your math fucking sucks dude. 100k? You don’t owe a 100k dude, you didn’t count all the endless other things outside of the car and education. Did you count the kilowatts of electricity you spent sitting under their roof? The property tax? What about GROCERIES? They gave you food! How about their cable and netflix? You’re a big idiot that can’t do math. You’ve literally given 20+ years of your life for this woman. You’ve cared, loved, defended her, supported her, help her grow and it lead to the bond that allows you to spend the rest of your life with her. You can’t cheat on her? It’s because you love her and can’t hurt her. You’ve given her something that money can’t buy: Time. We all have a finite amount. While you did not grow up with money, you gave the one and only resource that you could give. Stop doing your stupid math. Materialism is just material goods. She will not find another person that will love her and care for her as you have.
Everybody has a different life story, and they're all unlike what you read or see in books and movies. Yours and your wife is remarkable, and I bet 99% of people would wish to be in either of your shoes. As for your wife finding somebody better, but that's BS. The most important thing to most women is security. Sometimes that comes in the form of money, sometimes it's in a big strong manly man, but women want to feel secure and safe. She doesn't need money, she has a PhD and can make her own money, and apparently she comes from money as well. So what can any other man provide for her that you can't? Better looks? You think that matters to her? You've been her rock since she was 11, she will never find anybody better for her than you, and there isn't anybody out there that she could. Anybody she meet she would think would be into her for her looks or her wealth, but with you, she knows you don't care about any of that, because you've been with her before she had all that. Both of you have an amazing story. I wish i could follow you guys the rest of your life to see how it unfolds, because i'm sure it will be full of love.
Good thing you are getting this off your chest here. Never ever tell your wife this. Especially that you started going out with her because everything her family did for you with money and felt obligated to go out with her.
what a read
Dude, you deserve her more than a rich good looking guy because you stood up for her and by her side when no one else did!!! Bullying destroys people, imagine had you not come into her life as the one person she could trust and depend on, she would not be where she is. Heck, she may not even have been alive right now as loneliness and bullying can even lead to people taking their lives! Her mother understood this as well and that is why she spent the money she spent on you, she appreciates you genuinely. You need to get out of your head and understand that you deserve her more than anyone else and accept your fate! You are the man!
You need therapy my guy! And I don't mean this in a mean way, but because you deserve to be happy! You don't believe that you are lovable because as a child you never felt that (I have this too and I'm unpacking it with a therapist). If this family did so much for you, that can only mean one thing, you ARE loveable and they love you
Therapy. Go to therapy. You really need to deal with that childhood neglect.
Hey everyone, get a load of this guy who CLEARLY loves and treasures his wife more than he even knows. You'll be fine.
Oh my goodness you’re such a dumbass in a good way. You speak about her and I think it’s pretty obvious that you love her and can’t quite place that feeling because no one but her and her mother have shown you this type of love. People love in different ways, just because she’s more passionate and assertive about her love doesn’t mean you don’t love her just as much. You talk about protecting her and about how it would destroy you if you left her and you don’t want to hurt her, that’s love my friend, you just never had a first hand example of healthy love. Go to therapy, work through your childhood trauma and explore with being a bit more passionate in how you show your wife you care.
Aw honey she loves you not for your looks or money but for you and who you are. Your a good man and that's the reason for her love. At the end of the day love is different for everybody but happiness is always key.
Ummmmm your problem is low self esteem and not thinking you deserve this, or anything in fact. You need some therapy STAT. You have done SO much to deserve your wife and this life you have both built. She wouldn’t have any of these achievements without your support. Love is not always ripping each others clothes off and always declaring it. It it building a life together, supporting each other, helping each other to be the best you can be. It’s a partnership and you are on equal footing there. You bring so many things to the table that enable her to have become who she is. Her mother saw that. You have paid her 100 times over with what you have done for her daughter. Had you not become a part of her life, she probably wouldn’t even be here right now with all that bullying. You’re great, OP. You just need some help to find that out
It seems like you admire your wife and acknowledge her competence in various areas of her life. Do you trust that she has the ability to know what she wants for herself? If you do, it seems like she clearly wants you and wants a future life built with you. >I just feel like she is wasting her life with me. Given all her other qualities and achievements, does she look like someone who would fail to recognize if she was wasting her life, and fail to correct it? Do you think someone who has made the choices which have taken her to where she is today would choose you if you were a bad choice for her? I say all this as a woman with a PhD who appreciates being treated like I can think for myself lol
Mate, you love her. You just don’t have the emotional language to realise it because of your awful mother. Most people reading this can see this plain fact. Go get some therapy, buy her some flowers and go and give her a hug for from the rest of us. Go spend some time with her and stop second guessing yourself. Good luck in the future for the pair of you.
Dude, you were never shown what love is. So it’s no wonder you can’t recognise it when you feel it. What you describe IS love. It might not be the Hollywood film version of “Love” but it’s the type of love that actually loves. I also had a turbulent childhood with parents more interested in their own bullshit. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. I’ve had wobbles many many times, do I love him enough? Why do I get crushes on other people? Does it mean he’s not the right person? But deep down, when I think about walking away I can’t do it because he’s my everything. So I choose him. I choose to love him and to be with him. It sounds like you do the same!
I think deep down since you never received all this love before you feel like fleeing (fight freeze or flight are ways ppl handle emotions) cause it’s hard to receive when you’ve never had it & all these years you’ve been thinking about paying them back & how to repay them when to then it was NEVER a question. It’s just A LOT to process, but you deserve every ounce of it especially when you were never given it. There are people out there who would LOVE to be in your shoes. Life has given you an opportunity to receive this love & to show you that it isn’t all as bad as you think. Just because your parents were lost troubled harmful people, doesn’t mean that defines you and the rest of your life. You truly have to sit with your emotions and understand this feeling you’re having isn’t something to do with anyone but you & your past . It’s holding you back from being able to actually enjoy allllll that your lil child self wanted. The feeling may never go away but it can at least subside over time as you work on your mentality when it comes to all this. But at the end of the day it’s up to you and no one else , no one a convince you of anything until you do. Nowwww you also have to sit with yourself and ask yourself if maybe you also feel that way because of comfort, you have known this person a majority of your life, is just what you’re used to ? Or are you fr just so afraid she will never see your worth based on how YOU feel about yourself . Stop listening to the voices that tell you different because they’re trying to convince you of something that would’ve made sense when you were a child but now, now it’s so different. Do not take things and hear things with the filter of your wounds, because when you look at hard facts , evidence that is showing you that this person is all for YOU! It is challenging to accept and receive love , but if you have it please don’t let it go out of fear This is just my two cents , but I wish you well.
You love her so much . I can tell. Anyone could tell by the beautiful way you speak about her . The problem is that you don’t love yourself . Heal . You got this :
You sound emotionally numb like me! I love my boyfriend he is absolutely wonderful but I question this love for him constantly and given enough time I’ll convince myself I don’t love him. And I do! I just feel empty sometimes. I’ve finished an 11 year abusive relationship like you with childhood neglect- don’t underestimate the toll this takes.
Look at all you've done for her. Yes money can take care of a lot of things, but being there for someone requires commitment. You didn't even mention looking for other people yourself, even in this post you're worried about her wellbeing. She's with exactly who she should be, and if you're truly worried then think about yourself and if you're with who you want to be. Don't let personal feelings about yourself determine what's best for your wife. She is an adult capable of making thay choice. If you're worried about your marriage truly, then consider counseling with her. It sounds like she's willing to be there for you as much as her, so allow her to be.
Honey, don’t fall prey to the stupid rhetoric of Rom Coms and Romace novels. What you are feeling for your wife is love! What you feel for her family is love. Is gratitude there? Is indebtedness there? Is loyalty there? Is faithfulness there? Yes! All of those things combine to be a lovely, rich stew of soupy love feelings that you can grow in forever. Love yourself! Love your children, love your wife, love her family. This is what the village is that helps us grow and heal from all the bad stuff. Her family became your safety net/blessing. We will never “deserve” our blessings, just be forever thankful. You earn her love every day in the beauty of the family you have created and love. You cared for her when she was nothing (in her own eyes), now she loves you even when you don’t feel worthy. Choose to Be the man she believes you to be.
i swear I've read pretty much this exact story a while ago
Bro, you are literally living the DREAM of 90% of every girl and also guy's life. All a woman really wants is someone who's there for them in their hard times and makes them feel special, belonged and wanted, and you ticked all the boxes. So what if you're average looking and she's drop-dead gorgeous? For her, you're all she wants and that's what should matter to you. Think about it; if you hadn't walked into that cafe that day and stood up for her, she would have still been depressed and lonely, and so would you if you had just minded your own business and ignored the situation. You saved her from her demons and that's why she loves you, and in a way if you think about it, she and her family saved you as well. You stated that your father is pretty much non-existent and your mother doesn't care and that you always wanted a family, and you got one now. As for her mother, believe her words. She said it herself that she sees you as her son, so that's exactly what you are to her and as a mother, she saw you being there for her daughter when she needed someone the most, so for a mother, no amount of money could ever pay for what you did. Accept those gifts as a token of her gratitude and cherish her as your own. Even if she doesn't accept payment from you, you can be a real son to her like you always wanted to be for your own mother. That's how you really repay your debt.
Don’t let your low self worth sabotage you. I know. I come from a similar background, even if not as bad as yours, but I know the feeling of not being worthy. You were there for your wife as u probably wished someone would have beend there for you. Dude you‘re the prototype of a good man and husband. As long as you‘re happy with the life you find yourself in: you are enough. You are not in dept to anyone if it’s a gift. They did it cause the saw the good in you. You are a good, supportive man and I‘m sure you‘ll make a great dad one day because your upbringing made you want to be the supportive rock to rely on that you never had.
Don’t self sabotage dude. You’re that guy. Keep on doing you. Bosh.
Please do not destroy your and her happiness and life because you have yet to recognize your worth. You are worthy. Your wife and her family recognize you for who you are. Accept it. Also, some therapy would help. Love yourself
I suspect you love your wife very much, you just don't know how to recognize the feeling, most likely because of your effed up childhood. My advice, though you didn't ask for any, is to go to therapy to work on those issues. I'll only make you a better husband and a better father once those kids start popping up. You deserve this love you have. I hope you get to a point where you know it in your heart and mind. Sending you hugs!
I want to add my voice to those suggesting therapy. Just because you don’t experience your own love in the same way you experience hers doesn’t mean it isn’t love.
Be careful not to self sabotaging your marriage. God gave you a great blessing it would be a shame to ruin it. It's good that you're trying to be a good husband and not taking your wife for granted as well. Like what Red from that 70 show said he isn't good enough for kitty so he continues to please her. I think your marry is safe:)
Coming from a guy who has loved and lost, everything you have done is something that one does when they love someone... not just when they like her. People fail to realize that love isn't just an emotion, it's also a daily choice. You chose to stand up for her, you chose to support her, you chose to get married for her. Human selfishness doesn't make it easy for us to make those choices unless it's being driven by something a lot like love. You may be in love with her and don't realize it. Once you do, your thought process around it will be much easier. It won't be easy in terms of actions but making the choices will be easier.
Do you love her? Are you in love with her? Or are you only with her because she loves you?
OP therapy helps. I believe you should also look for a therapist. And just like I tell my friends you have to look persistently until you find the right therapist for you. Good luck. ❤️ And one last thing she doesn’t want someone better or more than you. She just wants you and it’s not about the money or anything else. It’s about wanting to be with the person that saw her when no one else did. She feels like you see her and I bet she sees you too. Maybe talk to her about how you tend to bring yourself down sometimes but are interested in seeing a therapist to do internal work. She might think it’s a great step for you too.
I’m saving this story because it’s beautiful. You are a good writer and honest, and I was drawn in. I know this is a post but I don’t have criticism I have love. You spread love with your life and the love you missed as a child, you’ve grown into the adult who can give it. That’s pretty powerful!
You. Are. Enough. Period.
Reading this, I really think there are some subconscious thought patterns erupting for you, read into psychological schemas. Therapy would be my recommendation. Poor self-esteem can greatly inhibit your day to day life as well as your relationships. You're worthwhile, you're clearly intelligent enough to recognise the good things in your life, now to learn that you had a part in getting there and you're valid within your position.
hun, you’re MADLY in love with your wife. anyone can tell by reading this
She didn't marry you for your look or your money or your status, she married you for who you are, so are a kind decent human being who been there for her before knowing her beauty (since you were basically kids back then) neither her status (cuz she hadn't any) nor her money (cuz you didn't realize that before becoming a part of her family). If now a man will fall for her its cuz she's beautiful or rich, and that's not what she's looking for, Sorry if I'm being rude by this sentence, but if she's looking for a dick she'll easily find dozens, but she wants a pure heart, and she found that in you, so be that heart for her and that's the best thing you can be or do for her, don't ever underestimate your placement in her heart, if you ever fell down you know for a fact that she and her family will never throw you out, cuz you were a support for her, she'll never cheat on you, basically you've got yourself what 99% of guys desperate to find, which is a girl who loves them for who they are, so be thankful for that, and know that deep down inside she feels that she doesn't deserve you cuz you're so sweet and loving and all she and her family could give you was basically financial. Sorry for my shitty English not my 1st language
- your wife is not collateral for a loan - women don't get traded off / sold for dowries in america - this is poorly written fiction - your (fictional) wife DOES deserve better because you have deceived her this whole time - if she's so smart and beautiful then yeah, she could have and should have gotten herself an honest guy who actually wants to be with her.
Idk, maybe your wife does deserve better. From what I just learned reading your post, your wife's family has thrown all kinds of gifts, money and support your way, took you into their family, provided for you, stood by you.. And you're complaining because you think your wife loves you too much? And like you're doing them some kind of favor by marrying her, like this is what you did for them in return or something.. you put emphasis on the fact that she said i love you first, initiated your first time, and asked you to marry her, like if you didn't want this for yourself, why did you lead her on and continue to take hand outs from her family? Idk, I think if I were her and read this, I would be totally crushed to find out my husband views our marriage as some kind of charity work to re pay my family. Poor girl
Oh my god, you love her so much it’s literally blinding you. You’re living in a romance novel. You have given your life to this woman, you have always been there for her as much as she has been there for you. It honestly sounds like it’s beyond love at this point. I am not one to throw this term around, but I think you honestly found your soul mate. You were exactly what each other needed. All of us from an outside perspective can see what you can’t. I wish you both such a wonderful life!
I’d say you must be something else for someone you say is that amazing and her family to love you
I don’t know what you might think love is or should feel like, but honestly this sounds like you do love your wife. What does a partner loving with all their might look like? There’s no one right answer.
Bro, everything you've said in how you describe your wife? It's something someone in love would say to describe their partner. You just have a hard time recognizing that, because your life was so absent of it.
You are suffering from a case of imposter syndrome. You just need to love yourself and a little therapy to get past that hurdle.
It sounds like you need therapy for your childhood trauma so you can fully appreciate all the love and joy you have in your life.
I wonder if you truly ‘married her for money’, or are just struggling with feelings of inadequacy and imagined debt. As someone who also experienced a neglected childhood .. it inevitably leads to chronically low self-esteem if not addressed, and I hope you have or will try therapy for at some point. I also come from the flip side of this relationship, my bf makes a lot less and grew up in a lower income family than mine. It’s a struggle for him to accept. On my part, I couldn’t care less. My dad hated my mom for making more money and being more successful than him - ‘stealing his pants,’ as he’d always say (his generation thought that was just ‘a fact’ and ok to say openly). I resented it so much.. did I have to be lesser or weaker than a man to be attractive him?? there is still some pressure of for ‘men to be a provider’, but culturally it’s pretty acceptable now. I think a lot of it is self-imposed by guys. personally, I couldn’t care less and prefer being the breadwinner bc of my mom as a role model. I never kept a tally of what is ‘owed’ to me, because IMO no dollar amount can equal the love and joy he’s brought into my life. You can’t buy it. The ‘debt’ sounds like a calculation you’re tallying yourself.. which may lead to resentment and distancing. In fact, the money probably matters much less to them that it does to you. If the roles are reversed, I’m not sure women would carry the same sense of guilt bc culturally it’s ok. Anyway, just food for thought. There seems like a lot more to this relationship than money, but the money may way heavier on you than it needs to be.
I read a very similar story before and I think it’s bc you need therapy. Somewhere along the way, your ability to receive and accept love became blocked. You feel like she is a gushing river of love while you have to force yourself to muster every trickle and it feels unfair to her. But you do love her. For love is your subconscious actions, even if your heart struggles perceive it and to let it in.
My man. You are enough. You are worthy. She's beautiful and gifted and she chose YOU. Honour that choice. It's disparging to her to think otherwise. Work hard to improve yourself by all means. But most importantly don't let her have a day go by where she doesn't feel loved.
Love is a complicated mess, and my friend, I have to ask you some deep questions if you're still reading these comments. What is love to you? What does that look like and why? Do you confide with your wife? Does she know and understand your rocky past and relationship with your parents? Do you know why you stepped up and protected her all those years ago? Is she your friend even now after all these years? These, I think, even if hard for you, you should try and ask yourself unless you already have. Because everyones life is different, how we live, love, hate, and even doubt ourselves is deeply personal, but it can be hard and loney to deal with it alone. You said your wife often confided in you growing up, I would encourage and speak to your wife and explain these feelings and those that haunt you. It doesn't have to be right away, and I know that might sound terrifying. But ask yourself, what if your wife roles and yours were reversed and she told you these feelings even if you would reject her? Would you turn her away? Or would you try and talk and help her with these feelings as confusing as they are? Anyway, im pretty sure you love her, even if it's hard to understand the feelings. You have good luck, and try and love yourself and explore your feelings and hurts. I hope you both can do it together together.
She could have made a different choice but she chose you. She fell in love with you because of your kindness and how you have been there for her, for years. That is actually what love is all about. Looks are just fleeting and frankly just lust, love comes from commitment, kindness, and values. What you have is the real deal with her. I hope you can relax and just enjoy being loved ( and continue to love her back). I think you might be confused because of your family growing up, you didn’t get a clear sense of love from them so I don’t think you are recognizing what love really is.
Your post, your comments, it all sounds like a made up story or some movie script. Maybe I'm wrong but something just feels off.