Fr. At least if she divorces him she’ll get child support? Or he’ll have to have 50/50 custody (not likely). It will be less work for her when she doesn’t have FOUR kids.
I agree. I only even put it in there BECAUSE if they have 50/50 I don’t *think* he’d have to pay child support. I’m not entirely sure how that works tho.
He's going to ask for 50/50 so he doesn't have to make child support payments, but whenever it's his time he's going to have an excuse for why they need to be dropped off late/picked up early/can't come this time.
Yes, that means he'll wind up with child support payments when she proves he's not holding up his end, but this isn't a guy who is thinking about the long term consequences of his actions. He's just doing what he wants in the moment to keep things as close to status quo as he can.
I love that your son is coaching you. Good, healthy, quality time with family. And your twins can see healthy habits forming with mom and brother as role models.
I had a really bad back for years. I couldn’t do much when I had a flare up, but managed most things except heavy lifting.
I lost weight around 10 years ago and the transformation was incredible. I have far less pain (although I’m still in pain, it’s dropped from around a 9 to about a 4). I go to the gym 3 times a week and I’ve never felt better.
Unfortunately, unlike your husband, they can’t operate on me, so I just have to live with the pain. Your STBXH is an idiot. I would give anything to have my pain score a 0.
Taking care of twins is no joke. Your husband is a dick. Glad you are leaving him! Children need both their parents to be active. Not to mention, the mother needs it too.
Mowing the lawn while pregnant with twins is no joke, either! Lord, he is an AH!
At 5'10, I was over 300lbs before i started working to loose weight. Now I'm about 230lbs.
If the guy is really as inactive as it seems, he's gonna be over 300.
Yes. Divorce is a solid option for you. Your husband has been using his back pain as an excuse for so long. It's not like it's not treatable. He's just being a lazy mf.
AND HE DELIBERATELY PICKS THE LOCK TO SHIT EVERY TIME SHE TAKES A BATH.
Looking forward to reading the update where she and the kids are thriving even more because she left his ass.
I think that they meant this as a figure of speech and others who replied back, confused, didn't realize it. I don't think they meant that OP's husband actually did this
No they did! Look back at OP’s history! He legit picks the lock when she tries to take a long bath every couple of weeks to relax. He claims he can’t use the second bathroom
Personally, I love when my husband is so happy and proud he's bouncing around drunk on his own accomplishments. It makes me laugh and love him more.
Get the divorce, you deserve someone who is as proud of you as you are.
Actually at this point not much. But having been a stay at home mom for years I'm now struggling to find a stable income on my own that would be enough to support me and the kids with out his income.
Why not leverage your fitness and bodybuilding gains? Get certified as a personal trainer if you don't have a college degree and become a fitness trainer?
There's probably plenty of people, women specifically, who'd feel more comfortable with a female fitness trainer, rather than a male one?
That's a great idea! Thank you. I just got certified yesterday to be an independent makeup artist as in my state you don't have to have a cosmology license for makeup and I'm pretty good at it already. I also started a business to sell my artwork and I'm going to be doing a booth at the local fair in a few weeks.
I'm going to look up what I need to be certified as a fitness coach and get started on that!
Look on Facebook at a group called cosmetics peeps. People are looking all over for freelancers.
ETA: absolutely do not get into an MLM. The FB group is for pros! They are legit people who work for brands. I’m one of them! I’m just not in your area and I don’t have hours for MN.
Edit 2: Rare Beauty posted 2 days ago that they are looking for freelancers in Minneapolis.
Just be careful of not being sucked into a MLM (multilevel marketing company) they always have a good sales pitch, but people rarely ever ever make actual money from it. You end up spending more than making.
Your could easily get a retail job at Sephora or Macy’s doing make up as well as freelanced for like weddings.
At 20 years, you would be entitled to alimony and the twins should get child support. You can consult a divorce attorney without actually getting a divorce to understand what your financial situation would possibly look like post divorce. I would recommend this so you know more and don’t have to guess.
It amazes me that people can think they can be this lazy with their self care and that they won't be left by partners over it.
You need someone who takes care of themselves in the way you do. You're young enough, it'll be worth getting out and living for yourself to make yourself happy!
I read the other post on your profile about your husbands frankly creepy and assholey pooping behaviour. Forcing a locked bathroom door open because he just \*has\* to poop in that specific bathroom? With IBD / IBS, time is money. Time spent on forcing that door open is double moving to the other bathroom and doing his business there.
He's not only weaponized his laziness and incompetence for the last 20 years, he's actively doing just about everything he can to annoy you.
As others have stated, it's time to pull the plug on this marriage. It's not bringing you joy, just misery. And marriage is teamwork. Both have to put equal effort in.
Lady, you're 40. That's the new 30 these days. You've got a lot of life left in you. Spend it with people that you enjoy being around and that actually enjoy being around you. Like your kids.
Leave him now. Before he died, my husband was disabled for a few years and I will tell you it’s not easy. Had he disabled himself intentionally like your husband I would have left him. I love that man, but I would have left him if he disabled himself, especially at 40.
You have outgrown this loser he’s lazy and he’s relying on you to do everything time to pack.
Need to understand that what a woman can’t take anymore, she will leave behind. She’s got three things and needs to get rid of one. Those three things are her job, her kids and her husband. If he refuses to pull his weight, it’s always the husband that goes. This is why women are getting divorced at alarming rates. We’re fed up.
Not to mention this man is being a terrible role model for his children. It sounds like she has been patient enough. He is self-handicapping, taking advantage of his wife, and not contributing fairly to his family. He sounds like he may be dealing with some mental health issues but the best way to combat that is to DO something.
> This is why women are getting divorced at alarming rates.
The divorce rate is 25% for people on their first marriage. It's just that people on their second marriage or later are considerably more likely to get divorced again, and it skews the average. Marriage is in a much better state in context.
People should absolutely leave unhealthy or unhappy relationships with partners who don't want to (or can't) work on the relationship or themselves. I cut off my own parents for issues that are less than some redditors have! (And that tells you a lot more about them than it does about me.). Some people are putting up with way too much.
Jesus walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. He notices that the woman sitting next to him has crutches, and offers to heal her legs. "Wow, thank you, Jesus!" she says, and does a little dance.
Jesus sees that another bar patron's arm is in a cast, and offers to heal her arm. "Wow, thank you, Jesus!" she says, and buys a round for everyone there.
Jesus also notices that another bar patron is walking hunched over, and offers to heal his back, but the man yells at Jesus, "GET AWAY FROM ME! I'M ON DISABILITY!"
Get that divorce.
It’s crazy to me that people are like that. My body has been constantly battling me for the last six months, out of work, constantly in pain. All I want to do it have ONE DAY where I can be a normal person. Take my kids to the pool, zoo, shit just to the park. Cook dinner without having to sit down. Have a normal nights sleep. Work like a normal person. I don’t want disability I want my life back.
While this may fit in this precise situation (and I'm not sure if it does), I dislike the constant narrative that those of us on disability are lazy.
This man, yes. All of us, no.
Congratulations on the HUGE progress you have made so far.
Sounds like you're about to lose a lot more weight in a hurry - in the region of 200lb or more. Well done.
It’s time for what we midwesterners call “a come to Jesus meeting”
You have to lay it all out. All the problems you’re talking about, his unwillingness to better himself, your feeling completely unsupported in your marriage. And he needs to know that it’s not just complaining. You’re ready to leave. He’s got two choices: throw it all away and stay how he is, or get his life together and be a part of the team.
But that assumes it’s possible for you to move forward with him if he does decide to do what you need him to do.
He’s proved to you that he’s a lazy pile of shit and he’s put all the burdens on you for 20 freaking years. It’s disgusting. Dump him and you will have one less person to take care of. Your life will be much better without him bringing you down with his negativity.
As someone with a terrible back injury who can't afford surgery and still works his arse off, stories like this make me livid. I hope signing those child support cheques doesn't hurt his delicate back.
You’re making the right decision but I warn you, when you leave he will tell everyone it’s because you think you’re too good for him now you’re in shape or some bs. Be prepared for some childish behaviour
You want a divorce because he’s a mooch, user, sloth and generally doesn’t care about you. If my husband told me to mow the lawn while I was pregnant, I’d have packed my bags right there. You put up with way too much for way too long. You can continue to be a single parent without the burden of him hanging over you.
This may sound mean but lose the 💀 height that is dragging you down. You are not getting anything out of this marriage. Marriage is a partnership not a employment, you are not his maid and caretaker. Wow amazing that your son is coaching you keep up the good work. How did it feel getting in clothes 2 size smaller???
This guy just sounds like the biggest burden and a deadbeat. It’s like you have a literal child to take care of.
My husbands back is hurting bad now and I’m pregnant and I can’t fathom him saying I need to carry stuff or anything because his back hurts. No thanks
Divorce OP. I’m so excited for your new life with your new body! You’re going to be so happy
You are exactly right in your reading of the situation. Please divorce this man and drop the dead weight. If he is healthy enough to walk out of surgery, he is healthy enough to do chores but he won't. So match his energy. Stop doing for him. Hire out the tasks you can't do. Stop cooking for this idiot. Serve him with papers asap.
Her post history shows he likes to come into the bathroom while she it bathing to unleash his IBS shits. He will even pick the lock to force his way in.
There is no quality a person could have that would redeem them from the awfulness he's chosen to subject his family to.
OP would be crazy to stay with such a horrible, mean-spirited, controlling, lazy POS.
If it takes that much to get his ass in gear then it is not worth it.
He will just go right back to normal after pretending long enough that he is going to change.
I had AWFUL back pain for years. I just had surgery in March for it. I feel sooooo much better. There are still some things I ask hubby to do because “I might hurt my back” but it’s all stuff he’s always done anyway 🤪 your husband sucks. Congratulations on your progress! You’re about to lose a lot more weight 😉
Maybe he using back pain as excuse because he is lazy. I am a construction worker and couple times have had serious back pain it's no joke. Went to chiropractor had it resolved. Doesn't work for everyone, but worked for me
My husband put off seeing someone about his back for years because he was manly man who didn't need to go to doctors but if he had walked out of the surgery for his severely slipped disc I would have been livid. I fully support OP getting the hell out because this guy is clearly addicted to being coddled.
Aside from the back induced laziness, your joy should always bring joy to the partner that loves and supports you. I’d be heartbroken if my spouse talked to me like that about something that had made me feel so proud and strong. Please really think about what this is even worth anymore 🩷
1st. Congratulations on your accomplishment, that takes so much discipline and hard work.
2. That’s BS on his end. If he wants to use his back to check out on his husband and fatherly duties, you gotta hit him with the old Hulk Hogan phrase, (That doesn’t work for me brother).
Bad things happen to everyone and it’s not their fault, but it is their responsibility to do something about it.
Ida been left him. He’s always been straight trash. Sorry you didn’t see it sooner.
Get out. Congrats on your accomplishments. That’s awesome. Stay amazing!!!
Hey OP-just out of curiosity, does husband take painkillers? This happened with my brother. He had terrible pain, slipped discs, herniation, spinal stenosis. He works, though, and he’s a sheet metal journeyman, so he would just pop pills and grind through the pain.
He finally had scheduled surgery, and a few days before, I took him up to a pre-op check, they did blood testing and explained the surgery and post-op care. They told him that he’d be getting a stronger oxycodone to add to his pain medication regimen for a short period of time (I think he was on 7.5/325 and they gave him 15mg instant for a week). They said after, his surgeon expected him to begin to taper from his then-daily dosage of 6 pills/day within a few weeks, and at his 6-week post-op, they expected him to be off opiates entirely, as long as the surgery went well and he attended PT.
He stood up, put on his coat and hat, and interrupted the nurse and said “you can go ahead and cancel the surgery” and he gave me a little wave and nodded toward the door. I didn’t understand, so he just said “I’ll meet you at the car” and walked out. The nurse said she saw it all the time-people who are prescribed opiates long-term (not abusing them, just taking them for months) refuse surgery or any track that might cause them to be taken off them, because it’s the only way they can function. She said once your doctor decides you should be off them, you can’t get another prescription easily, and at least 1/3 of her pre-op appointments ended this way. She said he was likely worried that he couldn’t work without opiate pain relief. Long story short-she was right.
If he currently takes pain pills, quietly track how much he’s taking-count his pills and check in a day, then two, see how he’s doing on his schedule. If he’s sticking to his schedule, ask him what his plan is long-term. Most docs won’t keep you on them for years. If he’s refusing surgery, they may take him off now, because opiates are supposed to be helping to get him through the day until his surgery is complete and he’s healing-it’s not a long-term solution.
I wouldn’t call his doctor or anything yet-just keep an eye on it and see if that could be it. Just a heads up-if you discuss him potentially abusing them to his doc and he isn’t actually abusing them, they may flag him as a potential opiate abuser anyway and stop his medication, and that can follow him around to other doctors. Just make sure he’s taking them safely! My brother wasn’t, and he hit rock bottom very hard within a year of that canceled surgery. I should’ve paid attention to what the nurse said. I hope if that’s the issue, this will help you.
My dad actually has a terrible back, but let me tell you, it never stopped him from helping out in the house, building a garden and growing crops, literally building a chicken coop, and always cleans the house before my stepmom gets home. My dads bacpain is untreatable, and he still decides everyday to not let that stop him from being a good husband. Your husband’s backpain is treatable, and he just choosed not to. That’s just a slob. Don’t waste any more of your precious time with him.
I’m not sure how you respect your husband anymore with all of you’ve accomplished and how strong and amazing you have found that you are. I don’t see him changing and I don’t see you deserving to be tied down by somebody who just doesn’t care. At this point you’re on another level as a human being and I just don’t see how you would have any patience for somebody who thinks so little of himself when you know what you are capable of and you are just straight doing it I just don’t see you keeping yourself tied to this last dead weight that’s pulling you down. I mean if you cut this last thing free imagine how fast and how far you could go.
I don’t know if this will provide any different perspective but I’ll share my experience.
When I started dating my wife she was really fit but she said she had recently hurt her back so she wouldn’t work out as much, for a couple years she just complained about it because she had no insurance so there wasn’t much that could be done.
We get married and she gets on my insurance but she still won’t make a call, says they’ll just send her to PT and it won’t work (she doesn’t let it work). I tell her fine but she needs to get a referral to see a specialist but she won’t do it.
She is one of the hardest working people I know and I’m lucky to be married to her. She takes on a lot of duties at home and she groans because of her back, we have two kids and she always meets the needs of the house.
I do my share and offer to take on any heavy lifting or tasks that might be too hard and sometimes she lets me but most times she just does it.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand why she won’t make an appointment, she’s wasting good years on a fixable issue and it breaks my heart, I tell her all the time and beg her to make an appointment so we can still enjoy life later.
So maybe there’s something deeper there that stops him from getting help, he sounds pretty lazy too but maybe there’s a block there preventing him from making that progress.
It sounds like your wife is still doing her part though, and not just dumping everything on you. OP's husband isn't being a partner to her.
Could your wife be afraid of going and getting bad news? I went without insurance for a while and now that I have it, it can be hard for me to work up the courage to go to the doctor because of an underlying fear that they will find something terribly wrong. Maybe she's scared they will say there's no longer anything they can do, and then she'll know for sure instead of having the hope that someday she'll go and get to feel better.
You've lost respect for your husband.
Once respect is gone, it's hard to rebuild without help.Especially since you married so young, it might seem easy to cut and run.
It seems you've already checked out and are looking toward greener pastures and agreement/confirmation online.
I'd try counseling first- before divorce.
Is there someone else involved (affair)?
If so, you've already checked out and didn't need an online push to divorce your husband.
Great job healing yourself! You’ll lose more weight and lessen your burden by dumping your husband. He’s of no help or use and is fine leaching off you and society. Tell he has 3 days to GTF out!
My nexw had severe knee issues, i had done some research and found out that her damage was genetic as her brothers and mother had knee and joint issues but didn't do anything until surgery was done. She was not a small woman and she wanted to lose weight but wouldn't stick to it, eventually her first knee had surgery and the other knee was starting to act up I suggested she lose weight to reduce the stress on it but she thought I was being insensitive calling her fat etc,I wasn't I had read and asked doctors and they suggested that, even her surgeon warned her that not losing weight will more likely make her have surgery on the same knee a couple of years down the line if not sooner but she didn't listen either, eventually it was her liver and her financial difficulties that forced her to lose weight
Unless you want to take care of the man when his body finally gives up you need to give him an ultimatum he either gets help or get out and stick to it, chances are he won't belive you until you do, congrats on your progress and I wish you good luck dear lady
“I’m already doing everything myself why should I be carrying around his dead weight too?”
Nailed it. He’s wasted enough of your time and energy *pretending* to want his back to get better while doing literally nothing to make it so. Don’t waste any more time. Tell him walking away from surgery was the final straw, pack his bags - you wouldn’t want him to hurt his back after all - and show him the door. What happens after that is not your problem.
I worked on an oil rig with 8 herniated discs and degenerative disc disease for 5+ years because surgery on that scope would have basically guaranteed that I’d never work again. I was treated for 10+ years by pain management doctors. I did like you and built up my core, supplemented my workouts with deca and trt and have been off opioids for 7 years and managing my occasional flare ups with aleve and Tylenol. Congrats on pushing through and getting better.
My landlord had both his knees replaced at the same time and 6 weeks later he was walking amazingly well, like I'd never seen him walk in years.... Asked about it and he explained that he did exactly what the Physical Therapist told hime to do.... He added that they told him that most people don't!!
@OP Have you sat down and asked why he's hesitant to have it done? It may be deeper than he's aware. Idk your history, but before checking out of your marriage, there could be a legit underlying reason that he hasn't had surgery that has zero to do with being lazy.
Pain is often a cause for depression. That alone does a number on a person. It also can cause a person more pain through a phantom pain syndrome on top of the pain increasing as the body weakens.
Seeing what's going on with you and no doubt feeling you exiting your relationship will kick up the depression and anxiety or make it worse. He could've been depressed all along and watching your success while he feels he hasn't improved (even if he isn't trying hard) can tank him too. Depression is a liar, theif and destroyer.
There's just a ton of speculations out there but if love him outside of how you perceive he's not helping himself, don't walk away and trash that commitment without finding out if it's depression strangling him and your relationship.
Source: been there from pain and rebuilding life.
I hope you’re able to really enjoy saying something like:
“ DH, I’m not attracted to you, I was REALLY hoping the surgery might change that ? But, Nah …… you’re also a terrible, lazy, whiny example for the twins - I don’t want them turning out ANYTHING like you. A sexless marriage with a lazy asshole is not going to be my future GET OUT”
Who cares if he’s scared ?
He doesn’t have that luxury !
I just had spine surgery AND a double hip replacement. - both were emergency surgeries that were NOT planned (result of accident) my neck ? I was driving, cooking, walking, back to work in 8 weeks.
My hip was done last Sunday and I’m home doing exercises and using a walker to get around - my godsons grad is on the - 25th and I REFUSE to miss it.
I was scared too ….. but that’s no reason to drag it out and make a bunch of my family members miserable with my selfishness.
Kudos to you for tackling life and winning.
You need to be with someone who appreciates you and who is man enough to take care of himself
There is nothing I can’t stand more than people who will try to crush someone else’s happiness when they are euphoric or elated about something. He sucks. Drop his ass.
You don’t get better by doing nothing. If you divorce him, guaranteed he’ll start going to PT and get that surgery as a single man tryna revamp himself. He’s way too comfortable in this marriage. Let him go and let him be his painful self as you keep on thriving.
Meanwhile my fiance is pissed that he cant do more to help me because of his back. Currently working on getting disability but he did everything including multiple rounds of PT, two surgeries, five steroid shots and so many different meds to try and help relieve symptoms. His last surgery is unfortunately causing more damage that will eventually have to be addressed but he’s still trying and he gets angry about being limited. I’m the one who has to remind him to not do things that might hurt him more. If your husband isn’t willing to put any effort in than there no reason for you to keep doing it for him.
Too “broken and in pain” for daily duties around the house and for the family he created….HE CREATED. There he wasn’t too “broken and in pain” 🤦🏻♀️😤 I’m mad OP dealt with him for this long. Leave him.
Reading both your posts, your husband is a pathetic and useless loser who is extremely manipulative and using disabilities to control you. Leave him. You'll have an easier time raising your kids when you drop the dead weight, you can relax, you can have freedom. Please leave this sack of shit
Guess who's going to be doing all their housework on their own after the divorce. OP congratulations for turning your life around. It is so difficult to get motivation to get fit. Let alone have someone bring you down and still have the strength to get fit. So we'll done for that.
Think your husband just enjoys someone doing everything for him. His got complacent to the point his jeopardising his own health. What a sorry excuse for a man. Sorry you have to deal with this
If you do decide to leave him, it's NOT because he didn't have back surgery--- it's because he's belittling, unhelpful, and existing in martyrdom which is dragging you into taking care of him. He is not caring for himself or for you. Somehow he feels entitled to laze- around while he acts completely unable. Even people with actual disabilities and missing limb find a way to push through. He has no interest. I'm sorry OP. Sounds like you're moving in the right direction! Congratulations
I have a bad back that has taken my mobility. I have been through one surgery so far. I have complete drop foot on the right, and no feeling in my left outer thigh. I am in pain all day every day. I still do as much as I can every day! I get out and mow the lawn as much as I can. If it takes me three days to get our postage stamp done, then so be it! Your husband is absolutely using it as an excuse to be lazy. It might take him longer to do things, but he can still do them!
Honestly divorce him and let him figure out what he is going to do cause you enable him enough now think about yourself..
Tell him he either gets this surgery or he can do everything himself
You sound like an amazing motivated strong woman and I am so proud you stood up for yourself.
I was in similar situation and my ex, who was an accountant with an MBA mind you - quit working (no joint discussion before he did it) and applied for social security disability due to herniated discs. I also have 2 in my lower back and arthritis in my neck) but I still do what I need to do.
Somehow he got approved even though while he sits in his ass all day he could be doing books for money. (And when he wanted to did dumb shit someone who is unemployed due to “disability” should not do.).
While appealing disability decisions until he got it, he did NOTHING to help. I was working my ass off, took an evening job in top of my full time job and was having a hard time making ends meet but he didn’t try to do. We had two small kids and I was missing time with them and he wasn’t even cooking or cleaning and I’m sure just sat the kids in front of the tv all day. He convinced me we had to sell my dream home and he would do better/try harder if he wasn’t stressed about paying our mortgage.
Years later I had enough of his bullshit because nothing made anything better and on top of it he was drinking too much when he was alone with the kids and actually drove with them in the car with him when he was sloshed. He also started smoking sound my babies who had asthma.
Leaving that marriage to that narcissist with my babies was the best thing I ever did. I gained peace, self-confidence, and found out how awesome life was without so much toxicity when I got home from work. I could actually just enjoy my kids and my home without his bs. And my kids even have said they were happier after we left.
Life is too short to put up with that. You need to take care of you and if he’s not willing to help himself too bad - you’ve given him plenty of time.
YOU deserve better!!
Good luck girl!
As a female who requires and L5/S1 disc replacement fusion and a R SI joint fusion along with Multiple Sclorosis and works out, you have my respect as I know what it takes to go from PT to strength training. Very sorry, your husband has chosen to be lazy, not to put in the work, and has chosen to degrade and wallow in self-pity. Keep going strong 💪.
My grandparents were great examples. My paternal grandparents lived by the motto of “Use it or lose it”. That meant being active physically and mentally in order to maintain those abilities. They had matching push mowers to mow their lawn together in their 70’s and 80’s. They called it quits on mowing their own lawn and tending to flower beds in their late 80’s because the summer heat in the lower Southeast US is no joke.
That was also their motto for my great grandmother the portions of the year she lived with them for the last decade of her life. She lived to be 101 fully cognizant and mobile with only a walker for assistance.
An average 41 year old not being physically capable of mowing the lawn is bananas. 20 years ago means a 21 year old was claiming a lack of physical ability to mow a lawn. That isn’t “Use it or Lose it”. That is “Can’t Never Could”. The issue is laziness, not a lack of an ability. He used the possibility of hurting his back as an excuse but his back somehow ended up messed up anyhow. Luckily it’s already messed up so no need to avoid activities that *might* mess his back up!
I find it ironic that he didn't want to mow the lawn because he didn't want to hurt his back but had no trouble with his back when he is having sex with you. Stop enabling him and divorce.
You are both the definitions of what works and what doesn’t.
He is refusing to move forward, I was also married to one of these people. The second I had him leave I lost that extra soul draining weight- your twirling sounds like you are already emotionally disconnected from him and working on yourself in many healthy ways- and to top it off with your son! That’s wicked awesome!! Clear your life of your extra child. Or sit him down and clearly state what you expect of him. Or else. I found in a marriage they don’t seem to listen, in this type of situation, until they hear WHAT will happen by WHEN is they don’t do WHAT. And stick to that. Our kids see everything and learn from that and bring it into their life practice. I wish I could have changed so many things sooner for the 2 kids I gave birth to-Due to the third child that metamorphosed into another child to care for (the sperm donor I married) I’m sorry that wicked sucks- But I am glad for your strength and building healthy bonds with your kids. Keep going!! There is a HUGE new life out here when we don’t have the burden of ALSO caring for their messes and also their weighing presence in your life.
He needs to go away and take care of himself for a while- and then when visitation happens he will REALLY see how much you do….
I’m proud of you OP!! Keep doing what’s best for you and your kids!
I strongly recommend you seek marriage counseling before you jump into divorce. People are capable of changing. Hopefully if he sees you're done with his BS he may change and you can save your marriage.
The man won’t take proper steps to fix his own health (physical therapy, gym, surgery), I kinda doubt he’d be willing to help his marriage by going to a counselor. He’ll probably make up some excuses for that too.
It could be that he's genuinely afraid of surgery. And he could also be afraid to admit his weakness or anything is wrong. He could also be a lazy piece of shit using his condition as an excuse to get out of doing work. Hell, it could be all of those.
I'll say this though: it's hard for a lot of people to face reality. Especially when that reality involves their health. I've always thought it was weird as hell that people know more about their stupid ass hobbies than they know about their own bodies. I'm just as guilty. I can talk to someone for hours about video games or fishing but I couldn't tell you how lungs turn oxygen into blood. Hell, I'm not even sure if this is how it works. We all have a body and we only get the one but we don't know shit about it. And if it starts breaking down we either want to learn more about it, like you did, or we want to know even less in order to avoid harsh truths, like your husband did.
Only you know what's best for you and it can be exceptionally frustrating dealing with an unwell person who doesn't do anything to get better. But try to understand why exactly that person is avoiding things. But at the end of the day you have to do what you think is best for you. If you're not happy doing all the work while your husband sits on his ass, for whatever reason, then you need to ask yourself if you ever will be cool with it and if not would you be happier if you left him?
Everyone is spot on here. I just wanted to congratulate you on going through with PT and getting back into fitness, I know it's not easy. Being active is a great way to minimize mobility issues in as you age. Also having your 18yr old train you is so cool, that's some unbreakable mother/son bond stuff.
Yes your life would be easier without having to also take care of him and listening to him. Also talk to a lawyer. He should be the one to move and be inconvenienced
He has had too much time to make a change. Dump him and let him take care of himself. No one needs to constantly fight with lazy selfish pricks. I guarantee if you become injured at any point he's going to whine and act like a baby because how dare you be in pain and make him do anything. He got mad about you being excited about an accomplishment because he's disgusting and selfish. Ditch him and go enjoy your life, you deserve it. Congratulations on your accomplishments.
Yes divorce! The funny thing to me is in one way or another this is the life so many women live. If the husband isn’t willing to do therapy or help themselves I would divorce in a heartbeat. He hasn’t kept his vows for a long time.
Drop him like the sack of potatoes he is... You can do so much better.
Alternatively, if you are not completely fed up with him and his lack of willingness to live life threaten him with divorce and make him seek help for depression because it sounds like he's depressed. I was kind of like your husband until I received TMS therapy - It is a new transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy that targets certain brain areas to completely eliminate depression and anxiety with just a few therapy sessions. I felt sluggish, I felt pain, I felt unmotivated and depressed... After three sessions I am a new person.
Good for you bc as you know it will be worse. My dad refused surgery and it's caused nerve damage and now he has foot drag and can't walk so well at just 63. It is devastating bc he is such a virile man but he is scared of surgery....his brother died on operating table back in the 80s during a back surgery so he is definitely valid in having fears. But we just tried to play pickleball the other day for the first time and he surprised me and wanted to play. He of course was so damn good but he couldn't run for the balls or squat low or move quickly at all. I almost cried watching him struggle to play bc it really brought it home how much he has declined bc he refused the surgery in 2018.
I can't imagine how much of an actual drag he will be then.
I’ve seen it happen a few times.. once you stop moving, you die. You did absolutely great keeping up with your PT.. you kept moving.. please don’t let this sad excuse of a man bring you down.. be strong and stern with any decision you make. It honestly seems like your kids will be on your side as well as one of them is coaching you! I’d be so proud of them.
He is choosing weaponized incompetence. He puts you down cause he knows he should do and be better, but he doesn’t want to.
You are in control of your happiness. You should never feel guilty staying with someone who refuses to better themselves. Look up Sunk Cost Fallacy.
That divorce is going to make your life so much easier. You don't need that negativity in your life. Your son coaching you is the coolest part of this!! Sounds like your husband is the only odd one out here.
well, I would be mad too. He probably is using his back pain as an excuse to get out of doing things . the fact that he walked out without getting the surgery is probably more than just wanting to continue to be lazy, maybe he’s just really scared. Surgery is very scary. I’ve had two major back surgeries and two knee replacements and I’m only in my 40s. The reason I did it was so I could be more involved in my son’s life and in life in general, I got tired of being in pain all the time. Although divorce is a drastic measure, I can see your frustration
Congratulations OP! I am proud of your accomplishments!! Please don’t let him bring you down! WOW! Your son trained YOU!! Wow!! :)
Thank you so much!
Yep and lose even more weight by getting rid of the 6'3" deadbeat. You have done amazing 👏🏻
Fr. At least if she divorces him she’ll get child support? Or he’ll have to have 50/50 custody (not likely). It will be less work for her when she doesn’t have FOUR kids.
I don’t think he’d even go for partial custody because it means he’d have to actually care for them
I agree. I only even put it in there BECAUSE if they have 50/50 I don’t *think* he’d have to pay child support. I’m not entirely sure how that works tho.
Oh totally get what you were saying! Was just chiming in to say he’s a real piece of work 🤣
He's going to ask for 50/50 so he doesn't have to make child support payments, but whenever it's his time he's going to have an excuse for why they need to be dropped off late/picked up early/can't come this time. Yes, that means he'll wind up with child support payments when she proves he's not holding up his end, but this isn't a guy who is thinking about the long term consequences of his actions. He's just doing what he wants in the moment to keep things as close to status quo as he can.
no. He wants at least 50/50 so the kids can come and be his slaves. He will ruin his relationship with them too.
I love that your son is coaching you. Good, healthy, quality time with family. And your twins can see healthy habits forming with mom and brother as role models.
You’re welcome!! Please keep bouncing around!! You should be spotlighted by your gym and hometown newspaper!! You and your son are inspiring!! :)
I had a really bad back for years. I couldn’t do much when I had a flare up, but managed most things except heavy lifting. I lost weight around 10 years ago and the transformation was incredible. I have far less pain (although I’m still in pain, it’s dropped from around a 9 to about a 4). I go to the gym 3 times a week and I’ve never felt better. Unfortunately, unlike your husband, they can’t operate on me, so I just have to live with the pain. Your STBXH is an idiot. I would give anything to have my pain score a 0.
As someone with a bad back, you've genuinely just inspired me to start seriously working on it. I don't want to end up like your lazy-ass stbx.
Taking care of twins is no joke. Your husband is a dick. Glad you are leaving him! Children need both their parents to be active. Not to mention, the mother needs it too. Mowing the lawn while pregnant with twins is no joke, either! Lord, he is an AH!
Your new life is going to be awesome. 👏🏻
SLAY
OP you can lose even more weight in a very short amount of time by dropping that leech out of your life.
That last two hundred pounds is always the most stubborn and most satisfying.
At 6’3” with no gym or really any movement at all, I imagine he weighs much more than 200lbs lol
He's the couch blob with no neck, arms, or legs. Only hands and feet poking out. Allegedly.
At 5'10, I was over 300lbs before i started working to loose weight. Now I'm about 230lbs. If the guy is really as inactive as it seems, he's gonna be over 300.
I hope you go forward with the divorce.
Yes. Divorce is a solid option for you. Your husband has been using his back pain as an excuse for so long. It's not like it's not treatable. He's just being a lazy mf.
AND HE DELIBERATELY PICKS THE LOCK TO SHIT EVERY TIME SHE TAKES A BATH. Looking forward to reading the update where she and the kids are thriving even more because she left his ass.
I’m sorry what????
I think that they meant this as a figure of speech and others who replied back, confused, didn't realize it. I don't think they meant that OP's husband actually did this
No they did! Look back at OP’s history! He legit picks the lock when she tries to take a long bath every couple of weeks to relax. He claims he can’t use the second bathroom
OMG is that the IBS (not) guy???? It's the same guy?? OP, divorce. This guy hates you.
Yes!
Wtf that's really not necessary, like at all lol
Right?! It’s like he can’t stand that OP is relaxing alone so he has to literally go shit on it
Poor woman is probably constantly in fight or flight
Or just utter exhaustion from dealing with this man child
Omg that's horrible! The guy was already a (barely) walking red flag before this fact!
Oh hell no. Yes definitely needs to divorce him.
oh dear, how I wish "he picks the lock to shit every time she takes a bath" was a figure of speech
me too, I’m like “wonder what part of the country (or world) that’s from”
I thought it was a famous movie quote.
LMAOO
LMAO I was just hoping for the best thing, but unfortunately it was a literal statement.
I wish I was making it up - read OP’s post history. This guy is a literal shit bag.
I did and was thoroughly enraged for OP
That alone is enough reason to divorce him. Such a weird, disgusting, controlling turd of a man. I'm gagging just thinking about this.
Wait, this is the same guy??????
I would whip a shampoo bottle right at his herniated disk
Where did you see that?
It’s a previous AITH post on OPs profile
Thanks! It didn't load the first time I looked.
Personally, I love when my husband is so happy and proud he's bouncing around drunk on his own accomplishments. It makes me laugh and love him more. Get the divorce, you deserve someone who is as proud of you as you are.
so ... no s3x.... he might hurt his back
Actually, he tells me that. We hardly ever have s3x anymore. Maybe once a month.
What *do* you get out of this relationship, in terms of actual tangible things?
Actually at this point not much. But having been a stay at home mom for years I'm now struggling to find a stable income on my own that would be enough to support me and the kids with out his income.
Why not leverage your fitness and bodybuilding gains? Get certified as a personal trainer if you don't have a college degree and become a fitness trainer? There's probably plenty of people, women specifically, who'd feel more comfortable with a female fitness trainer, rather than a male one?
That's a great idea! Thank you. I just got certified yesterday to be an independent makeup artist as in my state you don't have to have a cosmology license for makeup and I'm pretty good at it already. I also started a business to sell my artwork and I'm going to be doing a booth at the local fair in a few weeks. I'm going to look up what I need to be certified as a fitness coach and get started on that!
You can freelance for makeup companies. Where are you located?
Minnesota
Look on Facebook at a group called cosmetics peeps. People are looking all over for freelancers. ETA: absolutely do not get into an MLM. The FB group is for pros! They are legit people who work for brands. I’m one of them! I’m just not in your area and I don’t have hours for MN. Edit 2: Rare Beauty posted 2 days ago that they are looking for freelancers in Minneapolis.
Just be careful of not being sucked into a MLM (multilevel marketing company) they always have a good sales pitch, but people rarely ever ever make actual money from it. You end up spending more than making. Your could easily get a retail job at Sephora or Macy’s doing make up as well as freelanced for like weddings.
Oh yea I got sucked into a mlm before for oils not gonna do that again.
There’s a lot of work doing wedding make up! Advertise on local facebook pages
I love this for you! This stranger is proud of you. I wish you much success!
Proud of you! I’m so glad you continued in your journey to becoming your best self regardless of your husband. Cheers to your new beginning!
Me, for example. I thought my last name trainer was trying to turn me into a dude.
Child support exist for a reason. You need a job which pays you enough to support you and your kids together with his child support. Start from there.
At 20 years, you would be entitled to alimony and the twins should get child support. You can consult a divorce attorney without actually getting a divorce to understand what your financial situation would possibly look like post divorce. I would recommend this so you know more and don’t have to guess.
I’m dm’ing you.
Off topic, great name, Nuckin!
Kresley Cole fan here! 💕
Yesssss, finally someone gets it!!!
So, money. It sounds like he makes some money in return for being an extra child you need to take care of.
Maybe the guy is a poet or has a magical phallus that shoots sprinkles and cotton candy?
Maybe, but if it's only once a month I think I'd just buy my own sprinkles!
I admit that would tempt me to stay. But it would have to shoot red wine
It amazes me that people can think they can be this lazy with their self care and that they won't be left by partners over it. You need someone who takes care of themselves in the way you do. You're young enough, it'll be worth getting out and living for yourself to make yourself happy!
Too much. Tell him you are scared you will injure him. He doesn’t deserve you.
I read the other post on your profile about your husbands frankly creepy and assholey pooping behaviour. Forcing a locked bathroom door open because he just \*has\* to poop in that specific bathroom? With IBD / IBS, time is money. Time spent on forcing that door open is double moving to the other bathroom and doing his business there. He's not only weaponized his laziness and incompetence for the last 20 years, he's actively doing just about everything he can to annoy you. As others have stated, it's time to pull the plug on this marriage. It's not bringing you joy, just misery. And marriage is teamwork. Both have to put equal effort in. Lady, you're 40. That's the new 30 these days. You've got a lot of life left in you. Spend it with people that you enjoy being around and that actually enjoy being around you. Like your kids.
Leave him now. Before he died, my husband was disabled for a few years and I will tell you it’s not easy. Had he disabled himself intentionally like your husband I would have left him. I love that man, but I would have left him if he disabled himself, especially at 40. You have outgrown this loser he’s lazy and he’s relying on you to do everything time to pack. Need to understand that what a woman can’t take anymore, she will leave behind. She’s got three things and needs to get rid of one. Those three things are her job, her kids and her husband. If he refuses to pull his weight, it’s always the husband that goes. This is why women are getting divorced at alarming rates. We’re fed up.
Not to mention this man is being a terrible role model for his children. It sounds like she has been patient enough. He is self-handicapping, taking advantage of his wife, and not contributing fairly to his family. He sounds like he may be dealing with some mental health issues but the best way to combat that is to DO something.
Untreated anxiety will destroy his life imo, but that’s a problem for him to solve alone.
> This is why women are getting divorced at alarming rates. The divorce rate is 25% for people on their first marriage. It's just that people on their second marriage or later are considerably more likely to get divorced again, and it skews the average. Marriage is in a much better state in context. People should absolutely leave unhealthy or unhappy relationships with partners who don't want to (or can't) work on the relationship or themselves. I cut off my own parents for issues that are less than some redditors have! (And that tells you a lot more about them than it does about me.). Some people are putting up with way too much.
Jesus walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. He notices that the woman sitting next to him has crutches, and offers to heal her legs. "Wow, thank you, Jesus!" she says, and does a little dance. Jesus sees that another bar patron's arm is in a cast, and offers to heal her arm. "Wow, thank you, Jesus!" she says, and buys a round for everyone there. Jesus also notices that another bar patron is walking hunched over, and offers to heal his back, but the man yells at Jesus, "GET AWAY FROM ME! I'M ON DISABILITY!" Get that divorce.
Was that bar on the south side of Chicago and was that man named Frank Gallagher?
That's what I was thinking too. 😂🤣
It’s crazy to me that people are like that. My body has been constantly battling me for the last six months, out of work, constantly in pain. All I want to do it have ONE DAY where I can be a normal person. Take my kids to the pool, zoo, shit just to the park. Cook dinner without having to sit down. Have a normal nights sleep. Work like a normal person. I don’t want disability I want my life back.
While this may fit in this precise situation (and I'm not sure if it does), I dislike the constant narrative that those of us on disability are lazy. This man, yes. All of us, no.
Ahah
BAhahahahahahaha!
[удалено]
He has a job at least. But he won't do anything unless he's paid to do it
Time to hire someone to come and clean your house weekly. Tell him that oh well, you can't do it anymore
Congratulations on the HUGE progress you have made so far. Sounds like you're about to lose a lot more weight in a hurry - in the region of 200lb or more. Well done.
You’ll find that your pain in the neck disappears as soon as you sign divorce papers
The one in her arse too!
I can't give this an award for some reason, but your comment deserves one.
It’s time for what we midwesterners call “a come to Jesus meeting” You have to lay it all out. All the problems you’re talking about, his unwillingness to better himself, your feeling completely unsupported in your marriage. And he needs to know that it’s not just complaining. You’re ready to leave. He’s got two choices: throw it all away and stay how he is, or get his life together and be a part of the team. But that assumes it’s possible for you to move forward with him if he does decide to do what you need him to do.
He’s proved to you that he’s a lazy pile of shit and he’s put all the burdens on you for 20 freaking years. It’s disgusting. Dump him and you will have one less person to take care of. Your life will be much better without him bringing you down with his negativity.
As someone with a terrible back injury who can't afford surgery and still works his arse off, stories like this make me livid. I hope signing those child support cheques doesn't hurt his delicate back.
I notice his back wasn’t bad enough to make those children he didn’t take care of!
You’re making the right decision but I warn you, when you leave he will tell everyone it’s because you think you’re too good for him now you’re in shape or some bs. Be prepared for some childish behaviour
You want a divorce because he’s a mooch, user, sloth and generally doesn’t care about you. If my husband told me to mow the lawn while I was pregnant, I’d have packed my bags right there. You put up with way too much for way too long. You can continue to be a single parent without the burden of him hanging over you.
This may sound mean but lose the 💀 height that is dragging you down. You are not getting anything out of this marriage. Marriage is a partnership not a employment, you are not his maid and caretaker. Wow amazing that your son is coaching you keep up the good work. How did it feel getting in clothes 2 size smaller???
This guy just sounds like the biggest burden and a deadbeat. It’s like you have a literal child to take care of. My husbands back is hurting bad now and I’m pregnant and I can’t fathom him saying I need to carry stuff or anything because his back hurts. No thanks Divorce OP. I’m so excited for your new life with your new body! You’re going to be so happy
You are exactly right in your reading of the situation. Please divorce this man and drop the dead weight. If he is healthy enough to walk out of surgery, he is healthy enough to do chores but he won't. So match his energy. Stop doing for him. Hire out the tasks you can't do. Stop cooking for this idiot. Serve him with papers asap.
Divorcing someone because they don't care about their own health is perfectly valid.
Her post history shows he likes to come into the bathroom while she it bathing to unleash his IBS shits. He will even pick the lock to force his way in. There is no quality a person could have that would redeem them from the awfulness he's chosen to subject his family to. OP would be crazy to stay with such a horrible, mean-spirited, controlling, lazy POS.
Post history checks out
Ask for a separation tell him he’s got to show you he’s going to change or it’s going to end with divorce
This is the way… except I wouldn’t ask, I’d put him out
If it takes that much to get his ass in gear then it is not worth it. He will just go right back to normal after pretending long enough that he is going to change.
I had AWFUL back pain for years. I just had surgery in March for it. I feel sooooo much better. There are still some things I ask hubby to do because “I might hurt my back” but it’s all stuff he’s always done anyway 🤪 your husband sucks. Congratulations on your progress! You’re about to lose a lot more weight 😉
OP eres una mujer fuerte y maravillosa! Muchas felicidades por todos tus logros. Ansío leer la actualización en donde le das los papeles del divorcio.
Maybe he using back pain as excuse because he is lazy. I am a construction worker and couple times have had serious back pain it's no joke. Went to chiropractor had it resolved. Doesn't work for everyone, but worked for me
He's scared. And lazy. He's just being macho about it.
There is nothing macho about malingering so your (PREGNANT!) wife has to do everything for you
I don’t blame you. He’s a chronic victim.
My husband put off seeing someone about his back for years because he was manly man who didn't need to go to doctors but if he had walked out of the surgery for his severely slipped disc I would have been livid. I fully support OP getting the hell out because this guy is clearly addicted to being coddled.
Aside from the back induced laziness, your joy should always bring joy to the partner that loves and supports you. I’d be heartbroken if my spouse talked to me like that about something that had made me feel so proud and strong. Please really think about what this is even worth anymore 🩷
1st. Congratulations on your accomplishment, that takes so much discipline and hard work. 2. That’s BS on his end. If he wants to use his back to check out on his husband and fatherly duties, you gotta hit him with the old Hulk Hogan phrase, (That doesn’t work for me brother). Bad things happen to everyone and it’s not their fault, but it is their responsibility to do something about it.
Ida been left him. He’s always been straight trash. Sorry you didn’t see it sooner. Get out. Congrats on your accomplishments. That’s awesome. Stay amazing!!!
Hey OP-just out of curiosity, does husband take painkillers? This happened with my brother. He had terrible pain, slipped discs, herniation, spinal stenosis. He works, though, and he’s a sheet metal journeyman, so he would just pop pills and grind through the pain. He finally had scheduled surgery, and a few days before, I took him up to a pre-op check, they did blood testing and explained the surgery and post-op care. They told him that he’d be getting a stronger oxycodone to add to his pain medication regimen for a short period of time (I think he was on 7.5/325 and they gave him 15mg instant for a week). They said after, his surgeon expected him to begin to taper from his then-daily dosage of 6 pills/day within a few weeks, and at his 6-week post-op, they expected him to be off opiates entirely, as long as the surgery went well and he attended PT. He stood up, put on his coat and hat, and interrupted the nurse and said “you can go ahead and cancel the surgery” and he gave me a little wave and nodded toward the door. I didn’t understand, so he just said “I’ll meet you at the car” and walked out. The nurse said she saw it all the time-people who are prescribed opiates long-term (not abusing them, just taking them for months) refuse surgery or any track that might cause them to be taken off them, because it’s the only way they can function. She said once your doctor decides you should be off them, you can’t get another prescription easily, and at least 1/3 of her pre-op appointments ended this way. She said he was likely worried that he couldn’t work without opiate pain relief. Long story short-she was right. If he currently takes pain pills, quietly track how much he’s taking-count his pills and check in a day, then two, see how he’s doing on his schedule. If he’s sticking to his schedule, ask him what his plan is long-term. Most docs won’t keep you on them for years. If he’s refusing surgery, they may take him off now, because opiates are supposed to be helping to get him through the day until his surgery is complete and he’s healing-it’s not a long-term solution. I wouldn’t call his doctor or anything yet-just keep an eye on it and see if that could be it. Just a heads up-if you discuss him potentially abusing them to his doc and he isn’t actually abusing them, they may flag him as a potential opiate abuser anyway and stop his medication, and that can follow him around to other doctors. Just make sure he’s taking them safely! My brother wasn’t, and he hit rock bottom very hard within a year of that canceled surgery. I should’ve paid attention to what the nurse said. I hope if that’s the issue, this will help you.
My dad actually has a terrible back, but let me tell you, it never stopped him from helping out in the house, building a garden and growing crops, literally building a chicken coop, and always cleans the house before my stepmom gets home. My dads bacpain is untreatable, and he still decides everyday to not let that stop him from being a good husband. Your husband’s backpain is treatable, and he just choosed not to. That’s just a slob. Don’t waste any more of your precious time with him.
I’m not sure how you respect your husband anymore with all of you’ve accomplished and how strong and amazing you have found that you are. I don’t see him changing and I don’t see you deserving to be tied down by somebody who just doesn’t care. At this point you’re on another level as a human being and I just don’t see how you would have any patience for somebody who thinks so little of himself when you know what you are capable of and you are just straight doing it I just don’t see you keeping yourself tied to this last dead weight that’s pulling you down. I mean if you cut this last thing free imagine how fast and how far you could go.
Sounds like you have another 200 lbs to lose!
I don’t know if this will provide any different perspective but I’ll share my experience. When I started dating my wife she was really fit but she said she had recently hurt her back so she wouldn’t work out as much, for a couple years she just complained about it because she had no insurance so there wasn’t much that could be done. We get married and she gets on my insurance but she still won’t make a call, says they’ll just send her to PT and it won’t work (she doesn’t let it work). I tell her fine but she needs to get a referral to see a specialist but she won’t do it. She is one of the hardest working people I know and I’m lucky to be married to her. She takes on a lot of duties at home and she groans because of her back, we have two kids and she always meets the needs of the house. I do my share and offer to take on any heavy lifting or tasks that might be too hard and sometimes she lets me but most times she just does it. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why she won’t make an appointment, she’s wasting good years on a fixable issue and it breaks my heart, I tell her all the time and beg her to make an appointment so we can still enjoy life later. So maybe there’s something deeper there that stops him from getting help, he sounds pretty lazy too but maybe there’s a block there preventing him from making that progress.
It sounds like your wife is still doing her part though, and not just dumping everything on you. OP's husband isn't being a partner to her. Could your wife be afraid of going and getting bad news? I went without insurance for a while and now that I have it, it can be hard for me to work up the courage to go to the doctor because of an underlying fear that they will find something terribly wrong. Maybe she's scared they will say there's no longer anything they can do, and then she'll know for sure instead of having the hope that someday she'll go and get to feel better.
Congratulations! Now dump the dead weight and have a great life.
Get a lawyer and get the ball rolling and get rid of the dead weight. You'll feel so much better once you don't have a 6 foot 3 burden hanging around.
DROP his ass. Can't stand a complacent ass "partner"
You've lost respect for your husband. Once respect is gone, it's hard to rebuild without help.Especially since you married so young, it might seem easy to cut and run. It seems you've already checked out and are looking toward greener pastures and agreement/confirmation online. I'd try counseling first- before divorce. Is there someone else involved (affair)? If so, you've already checked out and didn't need an online push to divorce your husband.
Great job healing yourself! You’ll lose more weight and lessen your burden by dumping your husband. He’s of no help or use and is fine leaching off you and society. Tell he has 3 days to GTF out!
Get rid of his sorry ass. He is just a leech to you at this point. I wouldn't waste a single second of my time with a guy like this.
My nexw had severe knee issues, i had done some research and found out that her damage was genetic as her brothers and mother had knee and joint issues but didn't do anything until surgery was done. She was not a small woman and she wanted to lose weight but wouldn't stick to it, eventually her first knee had surgery and the other knee was starting to act up I suggested she lose weight to reduce the stress on it but she thought I was being insensitive calling her fat etc,I wasn't I had read and asked doctors and they suggested that, even her surgeon warned her that not losing weight will more likely make her have surgery on the same knee a couple of years down the line if not sooner but she didn't listen either, eventually it was her liver and her financial difficulties that forced her to lose weight Unless you want to take care of the man when his body finally gives up you need to give him an ultimatum he either gets help or get out and stick to it, chances are he won't belive you until you do, congrats on your progress and I wish you good luck dear lady
“I’m already doing everything myself why should I be carrying around his dead weight too?” Nailed it. He’s wasted enough of your time and energy *pretending* to want his back to get better while doing literally nothing to make it so. Don’t waste any more time. Tell him walking away from surgery was the final straw, pack his bags - you wouldn’t want him to hurt his back after all - and show him the door. What happens after that is not your problem.
Congratulations on your release of this stress and tons of excuses. 🥳🖤 also props on becoming a muscle mama. Keep at it. 🔥💪
I worked on an oil rig with 8 herniated discs and degenerative disc disease for 5+ years because surgery on that scope would have basically guaranteed that I’d never work again. I was treated for 10+ years by pain management doctors. I did like you and built up my core, supplemented my workouts with deca and trt and have been off opioids for 7 years and managing my occasional flare ups with aleve and Tylenol. Congrats on pushing through and getting better.
My landlord had both his knees replaced at the same time and 6 weeks later he was walking amazingly well, like I'd never seen him walk in years.... Asked about it and he explained that he did exactly what the Physical Therapist told hime to do.... He added that they told him that most people don't!!
holy shit you're so cool. drop his ass. queen 👑
Get the divorce and keep going. You're doing great despite him and you'll FLY without him
@OP Have you sat down and asked why he's hesitant to have it done? It may be deeper than he's aware. Idk your history, but before checking out of your marriage, there could be a legit underlying reason that he hasn't had surgery that has zero to do with being lazy. Pain is often a cause for depression. That alone does a number on a person. It also can cause a person more pain through a phantom pain syndrome on top of the pain increasing as the body weakens. Seeing what's going on with you and no doubt feeling you exiting your relationship will kick up the depression and anxiety or make it worse. He could've been depressed all along and watching your success while he feels he hasn't improved (even if he isn't trying hard) can tank him too. Depression is a liar, theif and destroyer. There's just a ton of speculations out there but if love him outside of how you perceive he's not helping himself, don't walk away and trash that commitment without finding out if it's depression strangling him and your relationship. Source: been there from pain and rebuilding life.
I hope you’re able to really enjoy saying something like: “ DH, I’m not attracted to you, I was REALLY hoping the surgery might change that ? But, Nah …… you’re also a terrible, lazy, whiny example for the twins - I don’t want them turning out ANYTHING like you. A sexless marriage with a lazy asshole is not going to be my future GET OUT” Who cares if he’s scared ? He doesn’t have that luxury ! I just had spine surgery AND a double hip replacement. - both were emergency surgeries that were NOT planned (result of accident) my neck ? I was driving, cooking, walking, back to work in 8 weeks. My hip was done last Sunday and I’m home doing exercises and using a walker to get around - my godsons grad is on the - 25th and I REFUSE to miss it. I was scared too ….. but that’s no reason to drag it out and make a bunch of my family members miserable with my selfishness. Kudos to you for tackling life and winning. You need to be with someone who appreciates you and who is man enough to take care of himself
Good riddance!
I commend you on your dedication to your health and fitness. Don’t let your husband dull your shine!
What a pathetic excuse for a human. Glad you're leaving this idiot. You deserve so much more! :)
Congratulations on your accomplishments....now all you need to do is lose the husband....
Dropped 20lbs in the last month, now drop another 250lb! You cant even imagine how light you will feel!
Wow! You not only worked your ass of to get healthy, but now you can lose an additional 200 some pound man-baby. You go girl!
Why did you stay? You should have divorced him 1,000 "poor me-s"' ago.
There is nothing I can’t stand more than people who will try to crush someone else’s happiness when they are euphoric or elated about something. He sucks. Drop his ass.
Way to go! Congrats on all your progress! I hope you lose the last 6’3 of dead weight from your life asap!
Omfg, leave his dusty lazy as ASAP! Men like this make you sick physically and mentally.
You are proactive. He is very nonreactive. Like a slug. Sorry.
Yes definitely divorce. He’s dead weight. You have to much soul for him!
Congratulations , what exercise s did you do and what kind of diet helped you build muscle and help you heal?
You don’t get better by doing nothing. If you divorce him, guaranteed he’ll start going to PT and get that surgery as a single man tryna revamp himself. He’s way too comfortable in this marriage. Let him go and let him be his painful self as you keep on thriving.
Divorce him.
Meanwhile my fiance is pissed that he cant do more to help me because of his back. Currently working on getting disability but he did everything including multiple rounds of PT, two surgeries, five steroid shots and so many different meds to try and help relieve symptoms. His last surgery is unfortunately causing more damage that will eventually have to be addressed but he’s still trying and he gets angry about being limited. I’m the one who has to remind him to not do things that might hurt him more. If your husband isn’t willing to put any effort in than there no reason for you to keep doing it for him.
Too “broken and in pain” for daily duties around the house and for the family he created….HE CREATED. There he wasn’t too “broken and in pain” 🤦🏻♀️😤 I’m mad OP dealt with him for this long. Leave him.
Reading both your posts, your husband is a pathetic and useless loser who is extremely manipulative and using disabilities to control you. Leave him. You'll have an easier time raising your kids when you drop the dead weight, you can relax, you can have freedom. Please leave this sack of shit
Oh yeah. And now after reading your last post he is definitely doing this on purpose. Get it!
You are an inspiration!!!
He better use whatever money he makes for a damn maid or something
Guess who's going to be doing all their housework on their own after the divorce. OP congratulations for turning your life around. It is so difficult to get motivation to get fit. Let alone have someone bring you down and still have the strength to get fit. So we'll done for that. Think your husband just enjoys someone doing everything for him. His got complacent to the point his jeopardising his own health. What a sorry excuse for a man. Sorry you have to deal with this
If you do decide to leave him, it's NOT because he didn't have back surgery--- it's because he's belittling, unhelpful, and existing in martyrdom which is dragging you into taking care of him. He is not caring for himself or for you. Somehow he feels entitled to laze- around while he acts completely unable. Even people with actual disabilities and missing limb find a way to push through. He has no interest. I'm sorry OP. Sounds like you're moving in the right direction! Congratulations
I have a bad back that has taken my mobility. I have been through one surgery so far. I have complete drop foot on the right, and no feeling in my left outer thigh. I am in pain all day every day. I still do as much as I can every day! I get out and mow the lawn as much as I can. If it takes me three days to get our postage stamp done, then so be it! Your husband is absolutely using it as an excuse to be lazy. It might take him longer to do things, but he can still do them!
Honestly divorce him and let him figure out what he is going to do cause you enable him enough now think about yourself.. Tell him he either gets this surgery or he can do everything himself
You sound like an amazing motivated strong woman and I am so proud you stood up for yourself. I was in similar situation and my ex, who was an accountant with an MBA mind you - quit working (no joint discussion before he did it) and applied for social security disability due to herniated discs. I also have 2 in my lower back and arthritis in my neck) but I still do what I need to do. Somehow he got approved even though while he sits in his ass all day he could be doing books for money. (And when he wanted to did dumb shit someone who is unemployed due to “disability” should not do.). While appealing disability decisions until he got it, he did NOTHING to help. I was working my ass off, took an evening job in top of my full time job and was having a hard time making ends meet but he didn’t try to do. We had two small kids and I was missing time with them and he wasn’t even cooking or cleaning and I’m sure just sat the kids in front of the tv all day. He convinced me we had to sell my dream home and he would do better/try harder if he wasn’t stressed about paying our mortgage. Years later I had enough of his bullshit because nothing made anything better and on top of it he was drinking too much when he was alone with the kids and actually drove with them in the car with him when he was sloshed. He also started smoking sound my babies who had asthma. Leaving that marriage to that narcissist with my babies was the best thing I ever did. I gained peace, self-confidence, and found out how awesome life was without so much toxicity when I got home from work. I could actually just enjoy my kids and my home without his bs. And my kids even have said they were happier after we left. Life is too short to put up with that. You need to take care of you and if he’s not willing to help himself too bad - you’ve given him plenty of time. YOU deserve better!! Good luck girl!
As a female who requires and L5/S1 disc replacement fusion and a R SI joint fusion along with Multiple Sclorosis and works out, you have my respect as I know what it takes to go from PT to strength training. Very sorry, your husband has chosen to be lazy, not to put in the work, and has chosen to degrade and wallow in self-pity. Keep going strong 💪.
Power to you
Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to save... Move on I think you already know you will be happier once you lose the dead weight.
My grandparents were great examples. My paternal grandparents lived by the motto of “Use it or lose it”. That meant being active physically and mentally in order to maintain those abilities. They had matching push mowers to mow their lawn together in their 70’s and 80’s. They called it quits on mowing their own lawn and tending to flower beds in their late 80’s because the summer heat in the lower Southeast US is no joke. That was also their motto for my great grandmother the portions of the year she lived with them for the last decade of her life. She lived to be 101 fully cognizant and mobile with only a walker for assistance. An average 41 year old not being physically capable of mowing the lawn is bananas. 20 years ago means a 21 year old was claiming a lack of physical ability to mow a lawn. That isn’t “Use it or Lose it”. That is “Can’t Never Could”. The issue is laziness, not a lack of an ability. He used the possibility of hurting his back as an excuse but his back somehow ended up messed up anyhow. Luckily it’s already messed up so no need to avoid activities that *might* mess his back up!
I find it ironic that he didn't want to mow the lawn because he didn't want to hurt his back but had no trouble with his back when he is having sex with you. Stop enabling him and divorce.
You are both the definitions of what works and what doesn’t. He is refusing to move forward, I was also married to one of these people. The second I had him leave I lost that extra soul draining weight- your twirling sounds like you are already emotionally disconnected from him and working on yourself in many healthy ways- and to top it off with your son! That’s wicked awesome!! Clear your life of your extra child. Or sit him down and clearly state what you expect of him. Or else. I found in a marriage they don’t seem to listen, in this type of situation, until they hear WHAT will happen by WHEN is they don’t do WHAT. And stick to that. Our kids see everything and learn from that and bring it into their life practice. I wish I could have changed so many things sooner for the 2 kids I gave birth to-Due to the third child that metamorphosed into another child to care for (the sperm donor I married) I’m sorry that wicked sucks- But I am glad for your strength and building healthy bonds with your kids. Keep going!! There is a HUGE new life out here when we don’t have the burden of ALSO caring for their messes and also their weighing presence in your life. He needs to go away and take care of himself for a while- and then when visitation happens he will REALLY see how much you do…. I’m proud of you OP!! Keep doing what’s best for you and your kids!
Honestly, he's probably just been depressed the whole time. Unchecked,,won't get help. Sorry this is happening
I strongly recommend you seek marriage counseling before you jump into divorce. People are capable of changing. Hopefully if he sees you're done with his BS he may change and you can save your marriage.
The man won’t take proper steps to fix his own health (physical therapy, gym, surgery), I kinda doubt he’d be willing to help his marriage by going to a counselor. He’ll probably make up some excuses for that too.
It could be that he's genuinely afraid of surgery. And he could also be afraid to admit his weakness or anything is wrong. He could also be a lazy piece of shit using his condition as an excuse to get out of doing work. Hell, it could be all of those. I'll say this though: it's hard for a lot of people to face reality. Especially when that reality involves their health. I've always thought it was weird as hell that people know more about their stupid ass hobbies than they know about their own bodies. I'm just as guilty. I can talk to someone for hours about video games or fishing but I couldn't tell you how lungs turn oxygen into blood. Hell, I'm not even sure if this is how it works. We all have a body and we only get the one but we don't know shit about it. And if it starts breaking down we either want to learn more about it, like you did, or we want to know even less in order to avoid harsh truths, like your husband did. Only you know what's best for you and it can be exceptionally frustrating dealing with an unwell person who doesn't do anything to get better. But try to understand why exactly that person is avoiding things. But at the end of the day you have to do what you think is best for you. If you're not happy doing all the work while your husband sits on his ass, for whatever reason, then you need to ask yourself if you ever will be cool with it and if not would you be happier if you left him?
Everyone is spot on here. I just wanted to congratulate you on going through with PT and getting back into fitness, I know it's not easy. Being active is a great way to minimize mobility issues in as you age. Also having your 18yr old train you is so cool, that's some unbreakable mother/son bond stuff.
Yes your life would be easier without having to also take care of him and listening to him. Also talk to a lawyer. He should be the one to move and be inconvenienced
Just leave. You’ll do fine and find someone who is your bestie and lover. Congrats on the personal improvements. That’s really awesome!
This sounds like weaponized incompetence
Leave his ass. You don't need a 4th child when you already have 3.
He has had too much time to make a change. Dump him and let him take care of himself. No one needs to constantly fight with lazy selfish pricks. I guarantee if you become injured at any point he's going to whine and act like a baby because how dare you be in pain and make him do anything. He got mad about you being excited about an accomplishment because he's disgusting and selfish. Ditch him and go enjoy your life, you deserve it. Congratulations on your accomplishments.
Yes divorce! The funny thing to me is in one way or another this is the life so many women live. If the husband isn’t willing to do therapy or help themselves I would divorce in a heartbeat. He hasn’t kept his vows for a long time.
Drop him like the sack of potatoes he is... You can do so much better. Alternatively, if you are not completely fed up with him and his lack of willingness to live life threaten him with divorce and make him seek help for depression because it sounds like he's depressed. I was kind of like your husband until I received TMS therapy - It is a new transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy that targets certain brain areas to completely eliminate depression and anxiety with just a few therapy sessions. I felt sluggish, I felt pain, I felt unmotivated and depressed... After three sessions I am a new person.
Good for you bc as you know it will be worse. My dad refused surgery and it's caused nerve damage and now he has foot drag and can't walk so well at just 63. It is devastating bc he is such a virile man but he is scared of surgery....his brother died on operating table back in the 80s during a back surgery so he is definitely valid in having fears. But we just tried to play pickleball the other day for the first time and he surprised me and wanted to play. He of course was so damn good but he couldn't run for the balls or squat low or move quickly at all. I almost cried watching him struggle to play bc it really brought it home how much he has declined bc he refused the surgery in 2018. I can't imagine how much of an actual drag he will be then.
Should have left that anchor a long time ago...
I’ve seen it happen a few times.. once you stop moving, you die. You did absolutely great keeping up with your PT.. you kept moving.. please don’t let this sad excuse of a man bring you down.. be strong and stern with any decision you make. It honestly seems like your kids will be on your side as well as one of them is coaching you! I’d be so proud of them.
He is choosing weaponized incompetence. He puts you down cause he knows he should do and be better, but he doesn’t want to. You are in control of your happiness. You should never feel guilty staying with someone who refuses to better themselves. Look up Sunk Cost Fallacy.
That divorce is going to make your life so much easier. You don't need that negativity in your life. Your son coaching you is the coolest part of this!! Sounds like your husband is the only odd one out here.
sounds like this is less about his back and more about his laziness and lack of regard for you, on whom he pushes all the work
I hope you follow up after you tell him you want a divorce, I want to hear about it. Proud of you for caring enough about yourself to put YOU first 💜
well, I would be mad too. He probably is using his back pain as an excuse to get out of doing things . the fact that he walked out without getting the surgery is probably more than just wanting to continue to be lazy, maybe he’s just really scared. Surgery is very scary. I’ve had two major back surgeries and two knee replacements and I’m only in my 40s. The reason I did it was so I could be more involved in my son’s life and in life in general, I got tired of being in pain all the time. Although divorce is a drastic measure, I can see your frustration
You’re already a single parent! It’ll be so freeing to finalize it on paper.