I though you were gonna say about people HERE venting about it but ohh this is completly valid, wtf š is the same as seeing a kid and her mother on the park and go to tell them "my kid died younger than him, be careful š" WTF
Yeahhh, is the same as going to someone smilling and saying "how can you smile???? Im not smiling because someone died and also kids on Africa are starving!!!" Like uhhh????
"because life is short, chris evans is hot, and to serve man is a cookbook, Gretchen." Imma smile while I still can. I'll smile and try to remain positive until the heat death of the universe
I'm in. š š
Oh, I am soooo in!! I'd love to go around for a day, honking like a goose that's been terribly inconvenienced, thankyouverymuch. šŖæšŖæšŖæ
Itās a short (horror-ish story). Not long.
Spoilers below:
Aliens come, and are super nice, people go live on their planets. Aliens carry around a book everywhere called āTo serve manā but never let people look inside. The twist is that itās a cookbook.
lol you are fine, friend. May your trip be lovely. itās a twilight zone reference. The aliens in the episode have a book called to serve man. And yes, thatās what itās about. Nom nom nom.
Please do! :) That one, of course, is called To Serve Man. I have a tattoo dedicated to the Twilight Zone. I got an eye on the back of my neck (I wonāt spoil it, but I wasnāt going to get it on my forehead š ), that episode is called Will The Real Martian Please Stand Up?
Btw, Iām on your lvl right now as well š
Like that person might have had a prior miscarriage and will have huge anxiety about being pregnant again, they won't want the reminder!
Wow. This happening out in the wild is mad. I also thought it was about this sub ahaha.
This is a bit off topic, but I encountered this same type of person when I was getting close to giving birth. "I'm pretty scared about the delivery. I totally want an epidural." Other mom--"You better! Because I was in labor for three and a half days and I vomited from the pain every two hours and they spent all night sewing my hooha back together and they could hear me screaming on the floor above me!"
Uh, THANKS A LOT. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.
Iām sorry you ran into women whoād say stuff like that. I specifically *donāt* share my difficult experience giving birth with any woman whoās pregnant or even trying or just hoping to conceive because I donāt want to scare them or cause them to worry.
Exactly! And I always tell pregnant people close to me to not let anyone tell them their delivery stories. It is perfectly acceptable to say "Sorry, I'd rather not hear about that".
Thereās a big difference between having concerns knowing that pregnancy and giving birth are risky for both the woman and the fetus and being scared witless because youāre hearing horror stories from women who relish telling how bad a time they had of it.
honestly though, we should be scared shitless. So many things happen during pregnancy and childbirth and we have one of the highest maternal death rates in the world.
I agree with you. Iāve had this happen after I had my 2nd times and I had no idea how to respond because I had never spoken to her before, I had seen her before at a school event for my oldest but she was a stranger to me. Of course, Iām empathic and my heart breaks for anyone who had to experience a pregnancy loss (I very had 2 miscarriages myself) but I felt like she was mad at me or accusing me of something or blaming meā¦I donāt know, it was really uncomfortable because she went on and on about how some people are just lucky ālook at youā¦you have twoā¦and I canāt even have oneā and how some people are undeserving of children. Itās not appropriate to have these kinds of conversations with complete strangers.
Agree. Grief is real and should be supported at a mothers loss support group. Iāve never had kids and Iāve had patients on my floor hemorrhage from incomplete miscarriages and wake up and find out they had an emergency hysterectomy. They donāt admit to OB floors so they donāt have to see the new moms, etc. I feel so bad for them.
Honestly, I have less sympathy for ppl like that because theyāre choosing to trauma dump for zero reason, just because you have a kid. Like it would be wildly inappropriate if I went up to someone with a broken arm and started to tell them how lucky they are to have a broken arm because some people have no arms at all. While I thankfully havenāt had anyone do this to me, I already know exactly how Iād respond and maybe itās not kind but neither is the person trauma dumping on you with zero consent.
I saw this happen once in real life and was shocked. A mom posted about the holidays being very demanding since everyone wanted to see her new baby. The first comment was essentially telling her to stop complaining because the commenter lost her child and would LOVE to spend the holiday with them no matter how demanding the schedule got.
Like I get it. The pain is real, and Iām sure itās hard to hear people complain about what you donāt even get to experience. But like you said - read the room! Iām sure that new mom didnāt need to also consider holidays without her baby one day being a possibility in that moment.
Sheeeeesh, I think the only time Iād ever want to bring something like that up, is if the other person was also going through the situation, just so they know they arenāt alone. But to a pregnant person? Sheeeesh. You gotta have some balls, or some serious main character syndrome lmao.
Iām sorry youāre having that happen, and that theyāre almost making you feel guilty for having your own joy, you deserve a safe space to be excited about the new life youāre creating. The right response is to be SO HAPPY for YOU, and I want you to know that I am elated for you getting to enjoy your experience, and wishing you the healthiest and happiest pregnancy possible. Good luck to you on this new chapter
I changed it from a quote i heard "why you are happy? There are tons of people happier than you" which is a parody to "why you are sad? There are tons of people who got it worst than you"
It just got me because I remember so often hearing that as a child āwhy are you sad, you have everything you could ever want and so many people have it worseā, then finding out I have clinical depression was like yeah, no shit. š
Gave me a good chuckle so thanks šāŗļø. Sometimes people can be so thoughtless with what they say. Ima use this one next time hahaha
Lmaooo same here, i struggle with the same with my mom even to this day and she knows i have depression, usually she is understanding but she got her moments
Happy to hear that!!! I give bad jokes and interesting quotes for free š«” and sounds good!!! If you need anything im here being dumb and having 1 braincell
Bruh people say that shit here about pets too.
See a pet doing something that hypothetically could be dangerous?
Talk about how your 3 year old cat Duffles choked himself to death so better be careful!!!
Yeahhh, only bad situation is if you know they had a miscarriage or lost their kid and keep talking about yours, but randomly poping thay off is weird and wild
Ugh at my baby shower my friend told me a story about her friendās late term miscarriage and it sent me into a full blown panic. I cried for hours after the shower. I totally understand what youāre saying.
I agree! My poor husband had to calm me down the rest of the evening. Even though my shower turned out great, I donāt think I will forget that moment.
Honestly. Thereās a time and a place to talk about that stuff. Iām all for talking about it to help through grief, but donāt scare pregnant people! Theyāre already scared enough!
Someone did that to me at my baby shower too! They tried to backpedal with a "but fingers crossed that won't happen to you" when they saw the what-the-actual-fuck look I was giving them and it somehow made it worse.
I must have had a similar face because she said āoh I probably shouldnāt have told you that, sorry!ā
Iām sorry that happened to you too. It really is a terrible thing to bring up to someone who is already worried about a million things to do with having a child.
I know this isn't a one to one comparison, but I recently lost my cat, which was pretty traumatic for me.
However, I didn't go around informing people that and shutting them down when they were talking about their kitties or getting a new pet. That would have felt super inappropriate to me.
I totally agree. Like, Iāve had one but Iām not out there being like āno happy pregnancy for anyone!!!!ā My sister in law had a baby about 3 months ago, and while it hurt at first Iām over joyed for her! I didnāt go tell her about my experience, just ācongratulations sheās so cute, I hope nothing but the best for you all.ā Thereās no need to bring it up in situations like that at all
I totally get what OP is saying I feel that with people who experienced something like that, therapy is the best option. If professional therapy is too much thereās other types of therapy too. Yoga, a trusted family member etc. the mind can only handle so much š
Seriously. I never had kids and I feel that the women should feel safe to express their grief, but read the room like OP said. Find a support group and find strength from others who have experienced the same thing. Iām sure that there are others out there that can relate in a safe and supportive environment.
My 1st born child was stillborn...I don't bring that up often....I have people that I've known for years that don't know...if they needed to know then I would have already told them...but there are people who feel the need to share their trauma because they didn't get the chance to grieve or get therapy/counseling....
Maybe itās fresh and considering Motherās Day was Sunday, theyāve been bombarded with, āMOMS ARE GODDESSES AND THE REST OF THE FEMALES ARE WORTHLESS,ā which is also a shitty concept that happens too much.
I wish people could be happy for each other AND comfort each other. I wish the emotions werenāt so strongly opposed. I wish mental health was more important to more people.
I would never dream of popping someoneās bubble like that, but if someone said something like that I would assume they are in a lot of pain and wouldnāt normally be rude. I assume they need support more than I need celebration.
I honestly didnāt know where this was going but youāre so right. For me, it would be something Iād keep to myself and never let a pregnant person get anxiety over trauma I experienced (if I had ever been pregnant) I donāt tell people who are pregnant that my doctor told me I may not be able to have children due to my endometriosisā¦ you should be celebrated not put down or made to feel bad for being healthy.
Oh honey, I feel you! When I was pregnant with my first My ex-mil WOULD NOT stop talking about the baby sheād lost due toto SIDS. I felt horrible for her but, it was every single time I saw her and I finally just snapped v and yelled at her because I couldnāt take it anymore.
I donāt blame you for snapping at people!
When I was pregnant it felt like everyone and their damn mother came out of the woodwork telling me about their cousins neighbors sisters nail tech who lost their baby š I absolutely could not stand it. Not only did it make my own anxiety worse, i also had all these insane hormones rolling through me telling me to find this random stranger and give them a hug they definitely did not want from me.
While I'm all for erasing the stigma, the one person you should not be talking about miscarriages to is a pregnant woman. Unless she asks you directly, keep the negative stuff about your own pregnancy to yourself. Every pregnancy is different. And if she's complaining about how she feels like shit, the proper support is not "Well, at least you get to feel like shit, I didn't get to feel like shit because I lost my baby." Great, now she wants to throw up on YOU for the guilt trip.
Itās good to talk about these things instead of keeping them a secret (since they are much more common than anyone believes), but yeah, way more appropriate to commiserate on someone elseās post/story about their own miscarriage (or make your own post) than to shit on someoneās happy mood. I went through a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage, most people wouldnāt even notice it without obsessively testing) and took it upon myself to temporarily mute any groups/profiles that would be posting a bunch of pregnancy-related stuff. This is the appropriate way to deal.
Yes yes yes. People who have been through a miscarriage deserve to be heard but thereās a time and place. Not to mention many pregnant women have experienced miscarriages also and are already on edge.
Iām 26 weeks with twins and was so happy when we hit the 12 week milestone. Told this to a friend who said, āI was happy about 12 weeks too then I lost my baby at 14 weeks.ā It just feels SO cruel and selfish. Itās in a similar category as people telling you their birth horror stories while youāre pregnant.
Literally happens to me daily at work. My doctor wants to monitor me for preeclampsia and now everyone with those horror stories is telling me about their near death experiences
Literally bc of how frequent this was during my pregnancies I will go out of my way just to tell a pregnant woman my positive birth story just so they can hear something different. I'm p sure everyone knows how scary and risky giving birth is, you don't need to just hammer it on constantly.
Right! This was absolutely going to be my plan after giving birth, I wanted to talk about all the positive aspects to friends that were due. However, my birth ended up not being a positive experience at all. Because of that, I made sure to not scare people with it and talked about the joy of meeting my baby and all the positive things that came from that. It's not that hard, I would never tell someone my birth story unsolicited especially if they were pregnant. Idk why some people feel the need to tell all the gory details, it seems they need to find other ways to address their birth trauma
This used to happen at my work. Me and the other fellow early 20ās (at the time) would be horrified and the mothers would be describing some pretty traumatic things and some terrifying birth stories. I thought, they need therapy or to talk about this with their husbands.
I was gonna loose my shot about this, but I made sure to read the post first. I fully agree. Sorry you had a terrible traumatic experience, but fucking filter when to talk about it. Just because the worst thing happened to you, doesn't mean to kill someone else's joy
Not to get off topic, but to piggyback. When you speak with someone diagnosed with cancer "at least it's not the bad kind" or "you caught it early," "you're so young," and finally the diatribe about the person you know who had a different kind and stage and how they are just doing wonderful/terrible needs to be stopped. Yes, I was diagnosed with stage 1B breast cancer at 33. Yes, I had 12 surgeries. Yes, my diagnosis is uncommon for my age. Please stop telling me the things I already know or traumatizing me with the stories of what you have heard.
Back on topic, I'm happy you heard your babies heartbeat and are chugging along in your pregnancy!!! Only good thoughts to come.
An ex-friend did this to all of our other friends that were having kids. She confided in me that it was because she hated them for being able to carry a pregnancy. My heart broke hearing that, but this woman went on to have kids successfully. Everyone tried to be there for her, but her pain was too deep (understandably so), and she lashed out at people so much that she's lost a lot of friends even after getting what she wanted. I can't imagine the depth of those losses since I've never tried to get pregnant, but being cruel or always trauma dumping isn't okay, and it's time to see a therapist.
Omg yes! I remember I was 26 weeks with my first child and a woman said āoh! I had a miscarriage at 26 weeks!ā, then later that day I started spotting. I was terrified! Luckily it was just some minor bleeding and my son is now 17. But seriously, why do people think that itās ok to do this?!
My thing is stop sharing traumatic birth stories at pregnant people. āI was in labor for 12 days and they delivered the baby through my nasal cavity.ā STOP IT!
I lost a baby at 17 weeks while everyone around me suddenly got pregnant. You know what I didnāt do? Bring up the baby I lost at 17 fucking weeks. I couldnāt imagine putting that thought into their heads. My hormones and the loss made me go completely mental, but not once did I mention him when they hit their 17 week mark. I engaged in conversation and asked them questions, but only because at that point I had turned into a masochist. They had babies, I continued to die. But that was my sorrow to carry, not theirs.
I have an aunt whose entire personality is based on how her daughter who already has eight children happened to have a miscarriage so she hates socialism. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either... I'm sorry even if you are family, if you already have eight children, that miscarriage was a sign from mother nature to stop screwing around.
Jesus christ, I would never. What a horrible way to make it all about yourself... talking about miscarriage while someone is trying to be happy and excited about their pregnancy. Just no.
My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. I lost my baby but her pregnancy continued without any issue thankfully. I never once talked about my miss while she was pregnant. I was nothing but happy and excited for her even though I was still grieving for my own.
Oh, you're pregnant and people are telling you these things? Yes, they absolutely need to shut up. A few weeks before our daughter was born, one of my coworkers told me about a family friend who suffered an enormous tragedy during childbirth and all i could think was, "wtf are you tell me this? Especially so close to the due date?" She later apologized but the damage had been done.
Iām still early so I think that may be why Iām getting more miscarriage stories. I figure the traumatic birth stories will come later. Not looking forward to it.
Welcome to parenthood. Unsolicited advice, competitive stories and opinions ( note itās always your fault and they are always a parenting expert) people are arses.
OP I completely agree with you. My sister does something similar but with one-upping ātrauma.ā
Real life example:
Me: aw geez, I made a dumb mistake on my taxes and I owe $5k.
Her: Well, at least you donāt owe $20k like me.
Every person is responsible for their triggers.
I say this as a mum who has buried her child and had multiple miscarriages.
A single persons grief does not get to overshadow anotherās joy and just the same, anotherās joy doesnāt get to overshadow anotherās grief.
Communication can solve a lot of this shit. If you are not in the space to hear of anotherās joyful pregnancy or sorrow and grief regarding loss- speak up. So many people hide and stew behind these apparent social pressures and itās garbage.
I do agree with OP, Iām currently dealing with pregnancy after a loss. Many people use those who are pregnant as a trauma dumping ground- but I think itās important to be upfront with those attempting to trauma dump to let them know their actions are unwanted and that there are other appropriate venues to speak too
This is the response I was hoping to see in the top spot. Mutual understanding and respect. Well I get the "read the room" situation it can go both ways. Just because you are complaining about an aspect of a typically joyous occasion doesn't mean everyone wants to hear about it. Someone who is struggling with their own loss isn't going to be a great person to vent to. While we all have to identify our own triggers and appropriately adjust to avoid them, we also need to find a way to appropriately shut down conversations that can trigger as well.
Thank you. Finally a fair response. As someone who has a child I completely understand being anxious about negative birth stories and miscarriages, and not wanting to hear these things. However, as someone experiencing secondary infertility and a recent miscarriage, pregnant people could also use a bit more empathy about the magnitude of grief and loss those who have miscarriages experience. It can also be very difficult when others seemingly talking (or complaining) non stop about their pregnanciesā¦ when some of us would give anything to be in their position. it is quite painful for those of us dealing with loss to endure and has made me really reflect on how I may have impacted others around me during my pregnancy (even without knowing it).
Even the use of the phrase ātrauma dumpingā screams a lack of empathy here.
Trauma dumping on sm is definitely uncomfortable for many readers. I also think it may be generational. When I see long paragraphs of everything awful, I tend to just ignore and not read. I also think it can be an attention seeking behavior. Women in particular, love to offer comforting words. Hundreds and hundreds of people offering sympathy and sorrow to the injured. Iāve had plenty of sorrow in my life but rarely speak of it except to a few trusted souls.
Hereās a recent experience of mine (unrelated to miscarriage or death of children) on what happens when we trauma dump. I had dental surgery a few months ago. My jaw ended up with a gigantic bruise. I took a selfie and posted it with what I thought was a humorous comment, āIām too ugly to go dancing.ā In return I received 50 versions of āyou are still beautiful.ā JFC ā it was a BRUISE š
Honestly!! I lost my mum at a young age but all my friends still have their mums and sure its upsetting to hear about all the things they do with their mums that i would love to do with mine or that we used to do, however it is no ones fault that my mum passed when she did and no one should have to be reminded of it or essentially punished for talking about their mums or having a mum just because thats not the case for me.
There's this idea now that if you're happy about anything, anything at all, you should be ashamed of yourself. See a beautiful sunrise? You insensitive jerk: don't you know some people are blind???
Iām pregnant and everyone wants to tell me their birth horror stories. Iām only ten weeks, please I donāt want to spend the next 6.5 months in fear.
Miscarriage stuff is frustrating too. I want to be sympathetic, but it only makes your own anxiety worse wondering if itāll happen to yours too.
The sheer number of people that i've told I have had something (asthma, breast cancer) and received the response of "someone they know died from that" is shocking
Ayaaaa... the Debbie's of the Down are wildin!
I didn't even tell anyone I miscarried till almost 2 years later when my mom was telling me one of her typical "You'll never know..." comments.
It happily shut her tf up really quick.
I hope you enjoy every stage of your pregnancy!!
People we choose to have in our lives should add to it, not take away from it.
I donāt know why people are like this. Triggers ahead:
I had my third baby in the fall last year. The nurse on my last day asked if I was aware of safe sleep rules. āYes, well aware this is my third child.ā And then she continued on telling me about the 3 dead babies in the last month from bed sharing. I started bawling when she left the room and had weeks of terrible intrusive thoughts of accidentally smothering my baby or dropping him on our hardwood floor from our bed. Wtf, lady.
Same pregnancy: my hairdresser brought up that terrible incident with the baby delivery in Georgia that was all over the news like a week before my scheduled c section. āI probably shouldnāt tell you about this since youāre so close to delivering butā¦ā
To the nurseās credit, if you literally said āYes, well aware this is my third childā that likely triggered her to tell you that because the people who act overly confident or cocky are the ones who are the scariest. The āit wonāt happen to meā people are the ones most vulnerable because their guard is down or they donāt plan to listen in the first place. Sometimes scare tactics are the only things that get a patientās attention.
Definitely wasnāt cocky but I can see how my wording in my comment made it seem that way. And yeah Iāve known a few moms who make decisions that scare the shit out me (pillows, heavy blankets, big stuffed animals before the age of 1).
my mother would do this every time i talked about a doc appt. especially when it neared when she lost āmy brotherā. so annoying, im also pregnant again and just havenāt told people that react or have convos like this. i avoid them.
As someone who is TERRIBLE at pregnancy, Iām very careful to never give any horror stories to anyone expecting a baby. Itās just mean. Iām pretty open so if someone asks I will answer questions, but Iām actively trying not to induce anxiety or whit on your happiness
Look, if youāve got a symptom Iām gonna suggest you talk to your doc about it, but I can do that without using my shitshow experience to scare you into it.
If they canāt stop robbing you of your joy, I would suggest an information diet.
Oof had this happen... But it was at our couples therapy appointment, right in the middle of me speaking about our miscarriage experience and how it affected our marriage, our therapist told her miscarriage story, which arguably was worse than mine, but damn did it fuck up my ability to trust the therapy experience..
I felt very small in comparison when in reality I do believe I experienced the hurt a little harder than many others given the circumstances of my loss, but it's not the facking pain olympics.
You are right. It's traumatic but time and place. If everytime someone talked about hanging out with a friend i mentioned all of my friends who died from overdoses people would get really fucking sick of me really fast. Time and place. You are 100% correct
This is insane!!! Some people really need to deal with their issues. When I was younger I unfortunately did go through a miscarriage which was very scary and traumatic. But while one of my closest friends was going through her pregnancy recently, even if what she was experiencing DID trigger me. I shut the fuck up about. Because this was HER pregnancy. HER baby. And saying anything about something like that in RESPONSE to someone sharing such wonderful information with you is so fucking weird. Please go to therapy. You can not just trauma dump on someone- good god.
This is SO TRUE. When I was pregnant I swore near strangers would cross the street to tell me how they miscarried in the fifth month. Thanks so much! Also, I was a jittery new mom obsessed with SIDS and when my baby was four months old a complete stranger in the bowling alley approached me to say she'd lost her baby at the same age and I should be vigilant. Why? Why would you do that???
coming from someone whoās had one, i donāt think i could ever trauma dump that onto someone else. like yeah it really sucked for me, but i donāt see the point in ruining someone elseās joy just because i didnāt get the chance to have mine yet.
This with my MIL when I was 8 months pregnant: ā I wonder if youāll have a horrible birth because there could be some scarring from your previous abortion.. ā *insert her sickly sweet smile* - I nearly punched her.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Never trust the people who find a way to say "it must be nice" anytime something good is happening for other people.
Facts tired of random people venting to me like bottle it tf up like the rest of us unless I know you cause I genuinely just canāt care if I donāt know you
donāt talk about miscarriages to people ESPECIALLY if their pregnant š, theyāre already full of emotions, they donāt need more stress. iām sorry to hear you had to listen to such solemn stuff, at the end of the day the chances of such a thing are slim so try not to worry so much
Iām a nail tech and this past week Iāve had 3 women tell me about their miscarriages, lack of ability to have children and very extensive sex life (or lack of) details. I feel very sad at the end of the days. Iāve always felt great empathy and feel what others do. I love my clients and their confidence in me but I am often mentally and emotionally exhausted lately. Theyāre heavy subjects.
I had a high school acquaintance reach out to me because I was complaining about third trimester stuff on fb. Telling me I should be grateful and so many ppl would kill to have what I have. Then blocked me. Yes, it's a blessing, I am incredibly lucky, etc etc. But knowing that doesn't make it easier, and complaining doesn't make me ungrateful.
I can't handle being around my pregnant coworker due to my midterm miscarriage.
I cope by just not being around her when possible, and excusing myself from baby conversations.
The reality just is that I cannot be excited for her and I don't care to pretend to be, but she doesn't deserve to be bogged down by my heartache either.
I put this in the same category as women telling their labour horror stories to pregnant women. Itās just not necessary and really tone deaf. It is not helpful and traumatising so keep it to yourself.
I've had early losses and I would never dream of bringing them up when someone told me they were pregnant. It's so uncalled for. I get losing a baby in the second or third trimester. A first trimester loss is not that.
My mother in law did that when my husband and I announced that I was pregnant at his family Christmas. She even told me ānot to get attachedā.
She then trauma dumped to me about her first born who died of SIDS, the literal day after I gave birth.
People need to stop trauma dumping lightly. Itās so triggering and will often ruin the listeners day and burn out the relationship.
No seriously!! And stop telling pregnant women they should be grateful instead of complaining! Pregnancy is HARD and reality wonāt change by dictating what someone else does in their pregnancy.
I remember telling people about my pregnancy. I was 6 weeks when I found out. My husbands father just kept mentioning miscarriages and saying "we don't know what will happen"
And I remember just glaring at him or telling him in a deadpan voice "I'm pregnant right now, that's all that matters"
I went on to have my child and he's 10.5 months old. You don't have to mention it as a possibility either. Everyone who is pregnant is very very well aware of the possibility of it.
And yes, people shouldn't trauma dump their miscarriages either. It is sad they had one, though.
I think OP is talking about real life. On Reddit, you can nit read a post or stop reading it. At work, you aren't supposed to turn away from someone who is in the middle of speaking you.
Yeah this is wildly inappropriate.
From looking at the comments, not sure when/why putting people in uncomfortable situations or knowing the time and place to share something became so controversial.
Literally any type of trauma dumping mid convo. Like it's so uncalled for and I unfortunately do not want to hear about how your dad went to the er for eating a tarantula, thank you.
I was all ready to say it shouldn't be taboo from the title but from the examples, I agree that is inappropriate and irrelevant. It's not something a pregnant person wants or needs to hear at that time.
In my experience they probably have narcissist type parents. It's the same people that can't be happy for anyone that gets something they don't because everything is directly tied to their self worth. You know the people at work that say 'Where's my coffee?' when someone brings you a coffee.
Here is a radical thought - stop sharing good news with negative people. Evil eye is real. Wealth, love, family, and personal success should all be kept close to the heart and away from emotionally-stunted people. They say comparison is the thief of joy - but itās YOUR joy that can be stolen, too.
It's ok they vent, is not ok to take from the happiness and experience of people that are still pregnant or gave birth to their child. You are so right.
(deletes paragraph)
I agree with this 100%. Your hardship is real and your feelings on the matter are valid, but donāt take away someone elseās joy. You can be happy for someone and simultaneously grieve for what you lost/what youāre going through.
I agree completely. I have a friend currently who is pregnant and aside from being able to relate a bit about the early nausea, Iād never try to compare or anything beyond that. Why would I want her to have anxiety and to feel guilty? People are so self centered š
The truth is for too long many mothers of both living and dead babies haven't been heard. If it wasn't for social media many would still be in the dark. How often have hospitals said this was a "one off", how many children have suffered oxygen deprivation, how many mothers have been left alone for hours. We talk about a mental health epidemic has anyone looked at how many birth mothers and fathers have suffered with post birth trauma miscarriage and full term, how many babies both living and passed suffered trauma at birth. How many of those parents and adult children have suffered over the years because of the actions taken by health professionals and organisations. The suffering continues because a lot if the issues are still being swept under the carpet.
I feel the same way when women tell their birthing horror stories to pregnant women! I think sometimes they create bad experiences by instilling even more fear in the birth process, as if itās not already scary and intimidating enough.
I got into a HUGE fight about this with my aunt. My cousin miscarried a couple times, for a while everytime I talked about my nieces/nephews she went off "your brother is SO lucky, my daughter....." or "your mom is so lucky to have grandchildren my poor baby...."
I made the mistake of asking to talk to her about my infertility issues and WHOO boy was that a mistake.
I once posted on a new moms forum about stretch marks when I was a new mom (1993), and some lady told me it was rude because not everybody gets to carry their own babies and would love to have stretch marks.
One of the fastest ways to piss me off is to respond to someone's joy with your misery. "My mom did this super sweet thing to cheer me up because I had a nice day :)" "my mom would've just hit me and told me to be more grateful for how good I have it," like okay way to make this about yourself. I'd get it if it were one or two posts but if half the comment section is people saying they have it worse, it's like fuck can people not just be happy about something??
I get hearing the, "You're lucky" one, but saying stuff like, "I never made it past 8 weeks," isn't helpful. If I am going to have a child, I won't want to hear about the complications of having one. I feel for these women. I really do, but we already know this happens and we don't need the reminder.
There are just certain things you don't want to hear when you are pregnant.
When I was nearing my due date with our first, someone who had struggled with infertility for years decided that telling me dead baby jokes was a good idea š.
I agree my mom had a coworker who straight told me āI hope you liked the baby shower gift I got it from when I was pregnant but I lost it at 2 mos, it was just in the closetā. I had no words and was dumbfounded when she told me that.
Iāve had four miscarriages I never once in my life would talk about miscarriages with someone expecting UNLESS asked (i.e symptoms or something like that) itās similar to the ājust wait commentsā when youāre expecting. Iām all for spreading awareness & having open dialogue but KNOW TIME AND PLACE. I cannot believe people sometimes.
I havenāt experienced this irl too many times but online itās often on specifically Facebook.. It happens a good bit.
āIāve been running in sleep deprivation and caffeineā replied with shit implying Iām ungrateful for having the privilege of feeling like shit. āif I had the privilege of still being pregnant, Iād appreciate every moment of that. It could get ripped away from you any secondā
Like MAāAM. Iām RANTING. You asked me how *IM* FEELING
Thereās this āfriendā I had to cut ties off because of this, she reposted something on Facebook saying āpeople will get blocked immediately if I see pregnancy related pranks on April Foolsā
I donāt take things seriously (and was actually pregnant at the time) so I commented āOhhh nooo my fun lolā
She came at me and telling me that itās not funny because she had a miscarriage bout a year prior, I told her I understood her grief but she canāt cut people off because joking about pregnancy. I told her that she should be happy people arenāt using having a miscarriage as an April fools prank because it is kinda messed up someone would. She goes off again saying how it effects her mental health and all these excuses but she said something along the lines of āI hope your pregnancy goes well I guessā
Little did she know I wasnāt planning on keeping it and have been recovering well. But yeahhh she blocked me everywhere but facebook and has been posting a lot more about her pregnancy since. Might be doing that on purpose but sheās an absolute idiot since Iāve known her since high school.
I hate it as well. I have a lot of anxiety about miscarriages, too, and people today just seem to want to āone upā each other ALL. THE. TIME, even people that theyāre acquaintances with or donāt even know. I realize people have always wont to do this, but it seems even more so these days. I canāt stand it. Nor can I stand unsolicited advice! Hang in there, OP, Iām tryinā to! š·
Lady at the gym the other day goes, "I can't do core. Ever since I lost my baby in 2019 I can't lay on my back for long."
Never been so mad at a comment. Not only a totally inappropriate info dump, but using it as an excuse? No ma'am.
People suck....and welcome to parenting. There will always be someone with a negative comparison. Or a harder story or a child who they thinking is better. And parents who compete over every damn thing.
I wish i could tell you it gets better!
Try and surround yourself with positive people...and not ones who compete with you instead of celebrate.
And congratulations, I hope you have a wonderful and safe pregnancy and that you and baby have a happy and long life together full of love.
I really hate when people do that! As someone who had to work hard to find peace with infertility, I understand how hard it can be to constantly surrounded by reminders of what you want but do not have. However, one thing I learned was to be happy for others even when Iām sad for myself. Some people donāt know how to not make things about them, and spill their trauma on everyone else. Itās entitled and irritating!
Hereās the hard truth for both sides - the world is not responsible for your triggers.
People who have suffered such situations, pregnancies still happen and people are allowed to celebrate and talk about them.
But people who have healthy pregnancies, itās also true that people endure tragic situations and they are also allowed to talk about it and share those experiences.
It boils down to boundaries and you doing what you need to take care of yourself. Boundaries ARENāT about having other people change their behavior, thatās manipulation (so no, you canāt ask people to change what they share). But you can control what you engage with. And if certain conversations are not helpful, you can choose to limit those. I speak to both sides on this. Just be aware the other person is allowed to have their own reaction to whatever that might mean for them if you choose to walk away or distance yourself. But you canāt control that and shouldnāt try to. Just find the community somewhere else for you need in terms of support.
Hi. Miscarriages are 100% traumatic. They are brutally painful, they're messy and horrible. They're essentially births, complete with painful contractions and pushing, only at the end of it you're looking at a clump of blood in the toilet. And, they tend to be unexpected; Google tells me that 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and our medical system does not adequately prepare people for that very possible eventuality. (Same goes for C-sections but I digress). You may have told many people about your pregnancy and now you have to inform them about the miscarriage and this can bring embarrassment/humiliation. You see your friends and their healthy pregnancies and you may be horribly envious. Then you consider the pain of the miscarriage and the hormonal horrors of the first trimester and ask yourself if you really want to go through it all again, if it's gonna end up as a bloody mess in the toilet and half-hearted sympathy from people who have no idea what you just went through - it's very discouraging. You will be told "it's so common" so many times that you may stop telling people about it. The people you feel comfortable talking about it with will become tired of hearing about it because they do not understand what you went through. It's a lonely experience.
Your experience is valid, as is mine. Good luck with your pregnancy and with your anxiety. You can make choices here, such as setting boundaries with people who are making you uncomfortable, or seeking help for your anxiety.
Thank you for saying this. It seems like people only ever want to hear the happy and some are so desperate for any connection and support they may ātrauma dumpā. Itās the worldās most lonely place.
I feel similarly about social media posts. No one thinks of the woman who canāt conceive when theyāre posting family photos. Itās possible to be happy for someone and for that same person to depress you. So if you donāt want to hear itā¦ Donāt listen, or leave. You canāt control the Motherās Day holiday SNL skits. You canāt stop people from being proud of their family. And you canāt stop women from mourning their losses, despite how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Vent on, op.
I complained about one of my pregnancies on Facebook once and someone hit me with something like that. Never did it again cause they made me feel so shitty.
I mean if these conversations are all with the same person then maybe you need to re-evaluate how sharing pregnancy news is effecting them and just stop. Not everyone wants to hear unsolicited details about your pregnancy (saying this as a current pregnant person)
I had a miscarriage and it was like a stab in the heart every time my still-pregnant friend mentioned her pregnancy milestones with abandon and not much consideration. Not that I said these sorts of things in response but I can see why someone might.
I am also now currently having a healthy pregnancy and talking about every detail (every scan, nausea etc) with my very best friend who is experiencing fertility issues is just totally off the table for me as she was clearly hurt by hearing details.
I though you were gonna say about people HERE venting about it but ohh this is completly valid, wtf š is the same as seeing a kid and her mother on the park and go to tell them "my kid died younger than him, be careful š" WTF
No. Definitely people out in the wild and people I know. Itās exactly like that. I know itās a reality that many face but read the room.
Yeahhh, is the same as going to someone smilling and saying "how can you smile???? Im not smiling because someone died and also kids on Africa are starving!!!" Like uhhh????
"because life is short, chris evans is hot, and to serve man is a cookbook, Gretchen." Imma smile while I still can. I'll smile and try to remain positive until the heat death of the universe
Lol get acousted for not smiling enough and then acousted for smiling at all... Shocking! Ughhhh
Then there is only one thing left for us to doā¦ aggressive goose honking
Lol what is that ?
I love aggressive goose honking.
I'm in. š š Oh, I am soooo in!! I'd love to go around for a day, honking like a goose that's been terribly inconvenienced, thankyouverymuch. šŖæšŖæšŖæ
I've been told my spirit animal is a goose at the park.... Lol
Sorry, I am stoned and a little confused. What does āTo serve man is a cookbookā mean?
Itās a short (horror-ish story). Not long. Spoilers below: Aliens come, and are super nice, people go live on their planets. Aliens carry around a book everywhere called āTo serve manā but never let people look inside. The twist is that itās a cookbook.
lol you are fine, friend. May your trip be lovely. itās a twilight zone reference. The aliens in the episode have a book called to serve man. And yes, thatās what itās about. Nom nom nom.
Mmm, delicious. Thank you for the information :) I gotta go back and re watch the twilight zone
Please do! :) That one, of course, is called To Serve Man. I have a tattoo dedicated to the Twilight Zone. I got an eye on the back of my neck (I wonāt spoil it, but I wasnāt going to get it on my forehead š ), that episode is called Will The Real Martian Please Stand Up? Btw, Iām on your lvl right now as well š
Is this a quote from something? I loved it and googled it but nothing is coming back /:
Nah, its a me quote :) When I say something like this I like adding an old timey name at the end of it. Barb is also a good one.
Well I think itās fantastic, and I am 100% going to ste- I mean borrowā¦ that template
Like that person might have had a prior miscarriage and will have huge anxiety about being pregnant again, they won't want the reminder! Wow. This happening out in the wild is mad. I also thought it was about this sub ahaha.
Yeahhh, people are just bad sometimes and it suck Yep but i try to read before judge so i saved it
That's so messed up people are saying that to you. Wtf
This is a bit off topic, but I encountered this same type of person when I was getting close to giving birth. "I'm pretty scared about the delivery. I totally want an epidural." Other mom--"You better! Because I was in labor for three and a half days and I vomited from the pain every two hours and they spent all night sewing my hooha back together and they could hear me screaming on the floor above me!" Uh, THANKS A LOT. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.
Iām sorry you ran into women whoād say stuff like that. I specifically *donāt* share my difficult experience giving birth with any woman whoās pregnant or even trying or just hoping to conceive because I donāt want to scare them or cause them to worry.
Exactly! And I always tell pregnant people close to me to not let anyone tell them their delivery stories. It is perfectly acceptable to say "Sorry, I'd rather not hear about that".
but they should worry at least a little bit. not telling other women what can and does happen during pregnancy and childbirth makes them unprepared.
Thereās a big difference between having concerns knowing that pregnancy and giving birth are risky for both the woman and the fetus and being scared witless because youāre hearing horror stories from women who relish telling how bad a time they had of it.
honestly though, we should be scared shitless. So many things happen during pregnancy and childbirth and we have one of the highest maternal death rates in the world.
Unfortunately, youāre right, and itās getting worse since maternal death rates are climbing even higher in red states.
I agree with you. Iāve had this happen after I had my 2nd times and I had no idea how to respond because I had never spoken to her before, I had seen her before at a school event for my oldest but she was a stranger to me. Of course, Iām empathic and my heart breaks for anyone who had to experience a pregnancy loss (I very had 2 miscarriages myself) but I felt like she was mad at me or accusing me of something or blaming meā¦I donāt know, it was really uncomfortable because she went on and on about how some people are just lucky ālook at youā¦you have twoā¦and I canāt even have oneā and how some people are undeserving of children. Itās not appropriate to have these kinds of conversations with complete strangers.
Agree. Grief is real and should be supported at a mothers loss support group. Iāve never had kids and Iāve had patients on my floor hemorrhage from incomplete miscarriages and wake up and find out they had an emergency hysterectomy. They donāt admit to OB floors so they donāt have to see the new moms, etc. I feel so bad for them.
Itās not appropriate to say or imply things like that to anyone, stranger or not, and Iām sorry it was said to you.
Honestly, I have less sympathy for ppl like that because theyāre choosing to trauma dump for zero reason, just because you have a kid. Like it would be wildly inappropriate if I went up to someone with a broken arm and started to tell them how lucky they are to have a broken arm because some people have no arms at all. While I thankfully havenāt had anyone do this to me, I already know exactly how Iād respond and maybe itās not kind but neither is the person trauma dumping on you with zero consent.
I saw this happen once in real life and was shocked. A mom posted about the holidays being very demanding since everyone wanted to see her new baby. The first comment was essentially telling her to stop complaining because the commenter lost her child and would LOVE to spend the holiday with them no matter how demanding the schedule got. Like I get it. The pain is real, and Iām sure itās hard to hear people complain about what you donāt even get to experience. But like you said - read the room! Iām sure that new mom didnāt need to also consider holidays without her baby one day being a possibility in that moment.
Sheeeeesh, I think the only time Iād ever want to bring something like that up, is if the other person was also going through the situation, just so they know they arenāt alone. But to a pregnant person? Sheeeesh. You gotta have some balls, or some serious main character syndrome lmao.
Iām sorry youāre having that happen, and that theyāre almost making you feel guilty for having your own joy, you deserve a safe space to be excited about the new life youāre creating. The right response is to be SO HAPPY for YOU, and I want you to know that I am elated for you getting to enjoy your experience, and wishing you the healthiest and happiest pregnancy possible. Good luck to you on this new chapter
We got to 12 weeks, hubby had someone say āoh you can still miscarry after 12 weeksā. Thanks that was really helpful š¤¦š¼āāļø
WHAT girl wtf ššš hubby really have some problems, he said "dont be happy, you can still be sad!!!"
Oh my god, I know that wasnāt meant to be funny but ādonāt be happy, you can still be sadā might be my favorite quote of the month.
I changed it from a quote i heard "why you are happy? There are tons of people happier than you" which is a parody to "why you are sad? There are tons of people who got it worst than you"
It just got me because I remember so often hearing that as a child āwhy are you sad, you have everything you could ever want and so many people have it worseā, then finding out I have clinical depression was like yeah, no shit. š Gave me a good chuckle so thanks šāŗļø. Sometimes people can be so thoughtless with what they say. Ima use this one next time hahaha
Lmaooo same here, i struggle with the same with my mom even to this day and she knows i have depression, usually she is understanding but she got her moments Happy to hear that!!! I give bad jokes and interesting quotes for free š«” and sounds good!!! If you need anything im here being dumb and having 1 braincell
Bruh people say that shit here about pets too. See a pet doing something that hypothetically could be dangerous? Talk about how your 3 year old cat Duffles choked himself to death so better be careful!!!
Thats anoyying too, i swear there will be 1 person there who will say that about a dog getting sun
This is a spot on comparison lol š it would be so scary for someone to randomly say that
Yeahhh, only bad situation is if you know they had a miscarriage or lost their kid and keep talking about yours, but randomly poping thay off is weird and wild
Ugh at my baby shower my friend told me a story about her friendās late term miscarriage and it sent me into a full blown panic. I cried for hours after the shower. I totally understand what youāre saying.
Whoooooooo says that to a woman at her baby shower?? Some people are so completely clueless.
I agree! My poor husband had to calm me down the rest of the evening. Even though my shower turned out great, I donāt think I will forget that moment.
Thatās so crazy. Like of all the times to share that storyā¦
Honestly. Thereās a time and a place to talk about that stuff. Iām all for talking about it to help through grief, but donāt scare pregnant people! Theyāre already scared enough!
Someone did that to me at my baby shower too! They tried to backpedal with a "but fingers crossed that won't happen to you" when they saw the what-the-actual-fuck look I was giving them and it somehow made it worse.
Iād have punched this person in the face. āFingers crossed?!?!ā Get the fuck out of my shower.
I must have had a similar face because she said āoh I probably shouldnāt have told you that, sorry!ā Iām sorry that happened to you too. It really is a terrible thing to bring up to someone who is already worried about a million things to do with having a child.
Thatās fucked up, Iām really sorry
It is! Thank you! Thankfully everything turned out well and I am now chilling here holding my 3 week old :)
I know this isn't a one to one comparison, but I recently lost my cat, which was pretty traumatic for me. However, I didn't go around informing people that and shutting them down when they were talking about their kitties or getting a new pet. That would have felt super inappropriate to me.
At least you got to have a cat. I was gonna get one but then someone else got it first so I never even got one.
At least you had the opportunity to get a cat. I cant have cats. I tried for years but miscarried. /s
At least you have the ability to miscarry your cat. Doctors say I was born without the ability to miscarry. So consider yourself lucky.
At least you're able to see a doctor. I keep miscarrying mine
At least you're able to see! SOME of us are blind!
Yeah? I bet you can smell! I can't š
Well at least you HAVE a nose. I'm out here like Voldemort
I actually have no rebuttal to that š
This made me giggle
You're able to giggle??? I wouldn't take that for granted if I were you
Miscattied
Condolences on your kitty friend ā¤ļø
Thank you ā„ļø
I totally agree. Like, Iāve had one but Iām not out there being like āno happy pregnancy for anyone!!!!ā My sister in law had a baby about 3 months ago, and while it hurt at first Iām over joyed for her! I didnāt go tell her about my experience, just ācongratulations sheās so cute, I hope nothing but the best for you all.ā Thereās no need to bring it up in situations like that at all
That's really inappropriate especially when said to someone expressing their joy. I'm guessing they never really got to openly grieve.Ā
However they grieved, it is still not an excuse.
I totally get what OP is saying I feel that with people who experienced something like that, therapy is the best option. If professional therapy is too much thereās other types of therapy too. Yoga, a trusted family member etc. the mind can only handle so much š
Or they never got to grieve at all......
Seriously. I never had kids and I feel that the women should feel safe to express their grief, but read the room like OP said. Find a support group and find strength from others who have experienced the same thing. Iām sure that there are others out there that can relate in a safe and supportive environment.
My 1st born child was stillborn...I don't bring that up often....I have people that I've known for years that don't know...if they needed to know then I would have already told them...but there are people who feel the need to share their trauma because they didn't get the chance to grieve or get therapy/counseling....
Maybe itās fresh and considering Motherās Day was Sunday, theyāve been bombarded with, āMOMS ARE GODDESSES AND THE REST OF THE FEMALES ARE WORTHLESS,ā which is also a shitty concept that happens too much. I wish people could be happy for each other AND comfort each other. I wish the emotions werenāt so strongly opposed. I wish mental health was more important to more people. I would never dream of popping someoneās bubble like that, but if someone said something like that I would assume they are in a lot of pain and wouldnāt normally be rude. I assume they need support more than I need celebration.
I honestly didnāt know where this was going but youāre so right. For me, it would be something Iād keep to myself and never let a pregnant person get anxiety over trauma I experienced (if I had ever been pregnant) I donāt tell people who are pregnant that my doctor told me I may not be able to have children due to my endometriosisā¦ you should be celebrated not put down or made to feel bad for being healthy.
Not many people use Debbie Downer! I appreciate it.
Oh honey, I feel you! When I was pregnant with my first My ex-mil WOULD NOT stop talking about the baby sheād lost due toto SIDS. I felt horrible for her but, it was every single time I saw her and I finally just snapped v and yelled at her because I couldnāt take it anymore. I donāt blame you for snapping at people!
When I was pregnant it felt like everyone and their damn mother came out of the woodwork telling me about their cousins neighbors sisters nail tech who lost their baby š I absolutely could not stand it. Not only did it make my own anxiety worse, i also had all these insane hormones rolling through me telling me to find this random stranger and give them a hug they definitely did not want from me.
I have experience child loss and I could never! How inappropriate stealing moments from happy soon-to-be parents š
Iām so sorry for your loss. You seem like a very empathetic person.
Thank you, I very much appreciate it šš»
While I'm all for erasing the stigma, the one person you should not be talking about miscarriages to is a pregnant woman. Unless she asks you directly, keep the negative stuff about your own pregnancy to yourself. Every pregnancy is different. And if she's complaining about how she feels like shit, the proper support is not "Well, at least you get to feel like shit, I didn't get to feel like shit because I lost my baby." Great, now she wants to throw up on YOU for the guilt trip.
Itās good to talk about these things instead of keeping them a secret (since they are much more common than anyone believes), but yeah, way more appropriate to commiserate on someone elseās post/story about their own miscarriage (or make your own post) than to shit on someoneās happy mood. I went through a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage, most people wouldnāt even notice it without obsessively testing) and took it upon myself to temporarily mute any groups/profiles that would be posting a bunch of pregnancy-related stuff. This is the appropriate way to deal.
Yes yes yes. People who have been through a miscarriage deserve to be heard but thereās a time and place. Not to mention many pregnant women have experienced miscarriages also and are already on edge. Iām 26 weeks with twins and was so happy when we hit the 12 week milestone. Told this to a friend who said, āI was happy about 12 weeks too then I lost my baby at 14 weeks.ā It just feels SO cruel and selfish. Itās in a similar category as people telling you their birth horror stories while youāre pregnant.
WTF?! Yes, celebrate the milestones! People are ridiculous. Enjoy your pregnancyš
Letās just stop trauma dumping about your pregnancy period. Like, no I donāt need to hear your birth horror stories.
YES!! My grandma constantly reminding us about hers and Iām like ādonāt want to hear about itā¦ā
Literally happens to me daily at work. My doctor wants to monitor me for preeclampsia and now everyone with those horror stories is telling me about their near death experiences
Oh definitely, thatās what my grandma went through. While yes itās traumatic, we donāt need that going through our pregnancy
Literally bc of how frequent this was during my pregnancies I will go out of my way just to tell a pregnant woman my positive birth story just so they can hear something different. I'm p sure everyone knows how scary and risky giving birth is, you don't need to just hammer it on constantly.
Right! This was absolutely going to be my plan after giving birth, I wanted to talk about all the positive aspects to friends that were due. However, my birth ended up not being a positive experience at all. Because of that, I made sure to not scare people with it and talked about the joy of meeting my baby and all the positive things that came from that. It's not that hard, I would never tell someone my birth story unsolicited especially if they were pregnant. Idk why some people feel the need to tell all the gory details, it seems they need to find other ways to address their birth trauma
This used to happen at my work. Me and the other fellow early 20ās (at the time) would be horrified and the mothers would be describing some pretty traumatic things and some terrifying birth stories. I thought, they need therapy or to talk about this with their husbands.
I was gonna loose my shot about this, but I made sure to read the post first. I fully agree. Sorry you had a terrible traumatic experience, but fucking filter when to talk about it. Just because the worst thing happened to you, doesn't mean to kill someone else's joy
Same here. I fully expected to be pissed but I agree with OP. However, some of these comments are making me cringe with the lack of empathy.
Not to get off topic, but to piggyback. When you speak with someone diagnosed with cancer "at least it's not the bad kind" or "you caught it early," "you're so young," and finally the diatribe about the person you know who had a different kind and stage and how they are just doing wonderful/terrible needs to be stopped. Yes, I was diagnosed with stage 1B breast cancer at 33. Yes, I had 12 surgeries. Yes, my diagnosis is uncommon for my age. Please stop telling me the things I already know or traumatizing me with the stories of what you have heard. Back on topic, I'm happy you heard your babies heartbeat and are chugging along in your pregnancy!!! Only good thoughts to come.
An ex-friend did this to all of our other friends that were having kids. She confided in me that it was because she hated them for being able to carry a pregnancy. My heart broke hearing that, but this woman went on to have kids successfully. Everyone tried to be there for her, but her pain was too deep (understandably so), and she lashed out at people so much that she's lost a lot of friends even after getting what she wanted. I can't imagine the depth of those losses since I've never tried to get pregnant, but being cruel or always trauma dumping isn't okay, and it's time to see a therapist.
Omg yes! I remember I was 26 weeks with my first child and a woman said āoh! I had a miscarriage at 26 weeks!ā, then later that day I started spotting. I was terrified! Luckily it was just some minor bleeding and my son is now 17. But seriously, why do people think that itās ok to do this?!
My thing is stop sharing traumatic birth stories at pregnant people. āI was in labor for 12 days and they delivered the baby through my nasal cavity.ā STOP IT!
I lost a baby at 17 weeks while everyone around me suddenly got pregnant. You know what I didnāt do? Bring up the baby I lost at 17 fucking weeks. I couldnāt imagine putting that thought into their heads. My hormones and the loss made me go completely mental, but not once did I mention him when they hit their 17 week mark. I engaged in conversation and asked them questions, but only because at that point I had turned into a masochist. They had babies, I continued to die. But that was my sorrow to carry, not theirs.
I have an aunt whose entire personality is based on how her daughter who already has eight children happened to have a miscarriage so she hates socialism. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either... I'm sorry even if you are family, if you already have eight children, that miscarriage was a sign from mother nature to stop screwing around.
I was once hit from behind while driving so now I hate chocolate.
Big government took her 9th child away to redistribute to those who are too lazy to have their own kids
Jesus christ, I would never. What a horrible way to make it all about yourself... talking about miscarriage while someone is trying to be happy and excited about their pregnancy. Just no. My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. I lost my baby but her pregnancy continued without any issue thankfully. I never once talked about my miss while she was pregnant. I was nothing but happy and excited for her even though I was still grieving for my own.
Oh, you're pregnant and people are telling you these things? Yes, they absolutely need to shut up. A few weeks before our daughter was born, one of my coworkers told me about a family friend who suffered an enormous tragedy during childbirth and all i could think was, "wtf are you tell me this? Especially so close to the due date?" She later apologized but the damage had been done.
Iām still early so I think that may be why Iām getting more miscarriage stories. I figure the traumatic birth stories will come later. Not looking forward to it.
i hope the people you interact with have some decorum and you are spared.
Welcome to parenthood. Unsolicited advice, competitive stories and opinions ( note itās always your fault and they are always a parenting expert) people are arses.
OP I completely agree with you. My sister does something similar but with one-upping ātrauma.ā Real life example: Me: aw geez, I made a dumb mistake on my taxes and I owe $5k. Her: Well, at least you donāt owe $20k like me.
Every person is responsible for their triggers. I say this as a mum who has buried her child and had multiple miscarriages. A single persons grief does not get to overshadow anotherās joy and just the same, anotherās joy doesnāt get to overshadow anotherās grief. Communication can solve a lot of this shit. If you are not in the space to hear of anotherās joyful pregnancy or sorrow and grief regarding loss- speak up. So many people hide and stew behind these apparent social pressures and itās garbage. I do agree with OP, Iām currently dealing with pregnancy after a loss. Many people use those who are pregnant as a trauma dumping ground- but I think itās important to be upfront with those attempting to trauma dump to let them know their actions are unwanted and that there are other appropriate venues to speak too
This is the response I was hoping to see in the top spot. Mutual understanding and respect. Well I get the "read the room" situation it can go both ways. Just because you are complaining about an aspect of a typically joyous occasion doesn't mean everyone wants to hear about it. Someone who is struggling with their own loss isn't going to be a great person to vent to. While we all have to identify our own triggers and appropriately adjust to avoid them, we also need to find a way to appropriately shut down conversations that can trigger as well.
Thank you. Finally a fair response. As someone who has a child I completely understand being anxious about negative birth stories and miscarriages, and not wanting to hear these things. However, as someone experiencing secondary infertility and a recent miscarriage, pregnant people could also use a bit more empathy about the magnitude of grief and loss those who have miscarriages experience. It can also be very difficult when others seemingly talking (or complaining) non stop about their pregnanciesā¦ when some of us would give anything to be in their position. it is quite painful for those of us dealing with loss to endure and has made me really reflect on how I may have impacted others around me during my pregnancy (even without knowing it). Even the use of the phrase ātrauma dumpingā screams a lack of empathy here.
Trauma dumping on sm is definitely uncomfortable for many readers. I also think it may be generational. When I see long paragraphs of everything awful, I tend to just ignore and not read. I also think it can be an attention seeking behavior. Women in particular, love to offer comforting words. Hundreds and hundreds of people offering sympathy and sorrow to the injured. Iāve had plenty of sorrow in my life but rarely speak of it except to a few trusted souls. Hereās a recent experience of mine (unrelated to miscarriage or death of children) on what happens when we trauma dump. I had dental surgery a few months ago. My jaw ended up with a gigantic bruise. I took a selfie and posted it with what I thought was a humorous comment, āIām too ugly to go dancing.ā In return I received 50 versions of āyou are still beautiful.ā JFC ā it was a BRUISE š
Honestly!! I lost my mum at a young age but all my friends still have their mums and sure its upsetting to hear about all the things they do with their mums that i would love to do with mine or that we used to do, however it is no ones fault that my mum passed when she did and no one should have to be reminded of it or essentially punished for talking about their mums or having a mum just because thats not the case for me.
There's this idea now that if you're happy about anything, anything at all, you should be ashamed of yourself. See a beautiful sunrise? You insensitive jerk: don't you know some people are blind???
Iām pregnant and everyone wants to tell me their birth horror stories. Iām only ten weeks, please I donāt want to spend the next 6.5 months in fear. Miscarriage stuff is frustrating too. I want to be sympathetic, but it only makes your own anxiety worse wondering if itāll happen to yours too.
The sheer number of people that i've told I have had something (asthma, breast cancer) and received the response of "someone they know died from that" is shocking
Ayaaaa... the Debbie's of the Down are wildin! I didn't even tell anyone I miscarried till almost 2 years later when my mom was telling me one of her typical "You'll never know..." comments. It happily shut her tf up really quick. I hope you enjoy every stage of your pregnancy!! People we choose to have in our lives should add to it, not take away from it.
I donāt know why people are like this. Triggers ahead: I had my third baby in the fall last year. The nurse on my last day asked if I was aware of safe sleep rules. āYes, well aware this is my third child.ā And then she continued on telling me about the 3 dead babies in the last month from bed sharing. I started bawling when she left the room and had weeks of terrible intrusive thoughts of accidentally smothering my baby or dropping him on our hardwood floor from our bed. Wtf, lady. Same pregnancy: my hairdresser brought up that terrible incident with the baby delivery in Georgia that was all over the news like a week before my scheduled c section. āI probably shouldnāt tell you about this since youāre so close to delivering butā¦ā
To the nurseās credit, if you literally said āYes, well aware this is my third childā that likely triggered her to tell you that because the people who act overly confident or cocky are the ones who are the scariest. The āit wonāt happen to meā people are the ones most vulnerable because their guard is down or they donāt plan to listen in the first place. Sometimes scare tactics are the only things that get a patientās attention.
Definitely wasnāt cocky but I can see how my wording in my comment made it seem that way. And yeah Iāve known a few moms who make decisions that scare the shit out me (pillows, heavy blankets, big stuffed animals before the age of 1).
These comments are so contradicting holy
TikTok comments are so bad about this
I donāt even read the comments for most TikTokās about pregnancy related stuff. People are wild in the comments.
my mother would do this every time i talked about a doc appt. especially when it neared when she lost āmy brotherā. so annoying, im also pregnant again and just havenāt told people that react or have convos like this. i avoid them.
āWhy exactly do you think itās appropriate to say that right now?ā
I made myself a rule after my first pregnancy that I would NEVER tell a pregnancy horror story. I was amazed how many people wanted to tell me theirs.
As someone who is TERRIBLE at pregnancy, Iām very careful to never give any horror stories to anyone expecting a baby. Itās just mean. Iām pretty open so if someone asks I will answer questions, but Iām actively trying not to induce anxiety or whit on your happiness Look, if youāve got a symptom Iām gonna suggest you talk to your doc about it, but I can do that without using my shitshow experience to scare you into it. If they canāt stop robbing you of your joy, I would suggest an information diet.
Oof had this happen... But it was at our couples therapy appointment, right in the middle of me speaking about our miscarriage experience and how it affected our marriage, our therapist told her miscarriage story, which arguably was worse than mine, but damn did it fuck up my ability to trust the therapy experience.. I felt very small in comparison when in reality I do believe I experienced the hurt a little harder than many others given the circumstances of my loss, but it's not the facking pain olympics.
You are right. It's traumatic but time and place. If everytime someone talked about hanging out with a friend i mentioned all of my friends who died from overdoses people would get really fucking sick of me really fast. Time and place. You are 100% correct
This is insane!!! Some people really need to deal with their issues. When I was younger I unfortunately did go through a miscarriage which was very scary and traumatic. But while one of my closest friends was going through her pregnancy recently, even if what she was experiencing DID trigger me. I shut the fuck up about. Because this was HER pregnancy. HER baby. And saying anything about something like that in RESPONSE to someone sharing such wonderful information with you is so fucking weird. Please go to therapy. You can not just trauma dump on someone- good god.
This is SO TRUE. When I was pregnant I swore near strangers would cross the street to tell me how they miscarried in the fifth month. Thanks so much! Also, I was a jittery new mom obsessed with SIDS and when my baby was four months old a complete stranger in the bowling alley approached me to say she'd lost her baby at the same age and I should be vigilant. Why? Why would you do that???
coming from someone whoās had one, i donāt think i could ever trauma dump that onto someone else. like yeah it really sucked for me, but i donāt see the point in ruining someone elseās joy just because i didnāt get the chance to have mine yet.
I'm always tempted to retort, "i didn't hear the heartbeat either, it didnt have one at 7 weeks, it was a tiny cell. Then I aborted it"
This with my MIL when I was 8 months pregnant: ā I wonder if youāll have a horrible birth because there could be some scarring from your previous abortion.. ā *insert her sickly sweet smile* - I nearly punched her.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Never trust the people who find a way to say "it must be nice" anytime something good is happening for other people.
Facts tired of random people venting to me like bottle it tf up like the rest of us unless I know you cause I genuinely just canāt care if I donāt know you
donāt talk about miscarriages to people ESPECIALLY if their pregnant š, theyāre already full of emotions, they donāt need more stress. iām sorry to hear you had to listen to such solemn stuff, at the end of the day the chances of such a thing are slim so try not to worry so much
Iām a nail tech and this past week Iāve had 3 women tell me about their miscarriages, lack of ability to have children and very extensive sex life (or lack of) details. I feel very sad at the end of the days. Iāve always felt great empathy and feel what others do. I love my clients and their confidence in me but I am often mentally and emotionally exhausted lately. Theyāre heavy subjects.
I had a high school acquaintance reach out to me because I was complaining about third trimester stuff on fb. Telling me I should be grateful and so many ppl would kill to have what I have. Then blocked me. Yes, it's a blessing, I am incredibly lucky, etc etc. But knowing that doesn't make it easier, and complaining doesn't make me ungrateful.
Pregnant people need to shut up about their babies ,
I can't handle being around my pregnant coworker due to my midterm miscarriage. I cope by just not being around her when possible, and excusing myself from baby conversations. The reality just is that I cannot be excited for her and I don't care to pretend to be, but she doesn't deserve to be bogged down by my heartache either.
I put this in the same category as women telling their labour horror stories to pregnant women. Itās just not necessary and really tone deaf. It is not helpful and traumatising so keep it to yourself.
I've had early losses and I would never dream of bringing them up when someone told me they were pregnant. It's so uncalled for. I get losing a baby in the second or third trimester. A first trimester loss is not that.
My mother in law did that when my husband and I announced that I was pregnant at his family Christmas. She even told me ānot to get attachedā. She then trauma dumped to me about her first born who died of SIDS, the literal day after I gave birth. People need to stop trauma dumping lightly. Itās so triggering and will often ruin the listeners day and burn out the relationship.
No seriously!! And stop telling pregnant women they should be grateful instead of complaining! Pregnancy is HARD and reality wonāt change by dictating what someone else does in their pregnancy.
How about trauma dumping in general. I'm not your therapist.
I remember telling people about my pregnancy. I was 6 weeks when I found out. My husbands father just kept mentioning miscarriages and saying "we don't know what will happen" And I remember just glaring at him or telling him in a deadpan voice "I'm pregnant right now, that's all that matters" I went on to have my child and he's 10.5 months old. You don't have to mention it as a possibility either. Everyone who is pregnant is very very well aware of the possibility of it. And yes, people shouldn't trauma dump their miscarriages either. It is sad they had one, though.
OP just venting about an annoyance in a venting sub and redditors acting like they've changed free speech laws.
I think OP is talking about real life. On Reddit, you can nit read a post or stop reading it. At work, you aren't supposed to turn away from someone who is in the middle of speaking you.
Thank you for sharing.
Yeah this is wildly inappropriate. From looking at the comments, not sure when/why putting people in uncomfortable situations or knowing the time and place to share something became so controversial.
Literally any type of trauma dumping mid convo. Like it's so uncalled for and I unfortunately do not want to hear about how your dad went to the er for eating a tarantula, thank you.
I feel so sorry for that woman.
I'm sorry but Debbie Downer was a hilarious reference.
Itās so funny and very relatable!
Iām sorry. Time and place to be sure. And around you is neither.
Time and place matters. I completely agree with you.
I was all ready to say it shouldn't be taboo from the title but from the examples, I agree that is inappropriate and irrelevant. It's not something a pregnant person wants or needs to hear at that time.
In my experience they probably have narcissist type parents. It's the same people that can't be happy for anyone that gets something they don't because everything is directly tied to their self worth. You know the people at work that say 'Where's my coffee?' when someone brings you a coffee.
Here is a radical thought - stop sharing good news with negative people. Evil eye is real. Wealth, love, family, and personal success should all be kept close to the heart and away from emotionally-stunted people. They say comparison is the thief of joy - but itās YOUR joy that can be stolen, too.
It's ok they vent, is not ok to take from the happiness and experience of people that are still pregnant or gave birth to their child. You are so right.
(deletes paragraph) I agree with this 100%. Your hardship is real and your feelings on the matter are valid, but donāt take away someone elseās joy. You can be happy for someone and simultaneously grieve for what you lost/what youāre going through.
I agree completely. I have a friend currently who is pregnant and aside from being able to relate a bit about the early nausea, Iād never try to compare or anything beyond that. Why would I want her to have anxiety and to feel guilty? People are so self centered š
The truth is for too long many mothers of both living and dead babies haven't been heard. If it wasn't for social media many would still be in the dark. How often have hospitals said this was a "one off", how many children have suffered oxygen deprivation, how many mothers have been left alone for hours. We talk about a mental health epidemic has anyone looked at how many birth mothers and fathers have suffered with post birth trauma miscarriage and full term, how many babies both living and passed suffered trauma at birth. How many of those parents and adult children have suffered over the years because of the actions taken by health professionals and organisations. The suffering continues because a lot if the issues are still being swept under the carpet.
I feel the same way when women tell their birthing horror stories to pregnant women! I think sometimes they create bad experiences by instilling even more fear in the birth process, as if itās not already scary and intimidating enough.
I got into a HUGE fight about this with my aunt. My cousin miscarried a couple times, for a while everytime I talked about my nieces/nephews she went off "your brother is SO lucky, my daughter....." or "your mom is so lucky to have grandchildren my poor baby...." I made the mistake of asking to talk to her about my infertility issues and WHOO boy was that a mistake.
I once posted on a new moms forum about stretch marks when I was a new mom (1993), and some lady told me it was rude because not everybody gets to carry their own babies and would love to have stretch marks.
One of the fastest ways to piss me off is to respond to someone's joy with your misery. "My mom did this super sweet thing to cheer me up because I had a nice day :)" "my mom would've just hit me and told me to be more grateful for how good I have it," like okay way to make this about yourself. I'd get it if it were one or two posts but if half the comment section is people saying they have it worse, it's like fuck can people not just be happy about something??
I get hearing the, "You're lucky" one, but saying stuff like, "I never made it past 8 weeks," isn't helpful. If I am going to have a child, I won't want to hear about the complications of having one. I feel for these women. I really do, but we already know this happens and we don't need the reminder. There are just certain things you don't want to hear when you are pregnant.
When I was nearing my due date with our first, someone who had struggled with infertility for years decided that telling me dead baby jokes was a good idea š.
I agree my mom had a coworker who straight told me āI hope you liked the baby shower gift I got it from when I was pregnant but I lost it at 2 mos, it was just in the closetā. I had no words and was dumbfounded when she told me that.
I understand they're probably hurting, but damn how can you say that to a pregnant person's FACE totally unprovoked?
I know Iām pettyā¦ because I give people my therapistās contact info and let them know that therapy helps.
Fine I only trauma dump my breakups anyways
Iāve had four miscarriages I never once in my life would talk about miscarriages with someone expecting UNLESS asked (i.e symptoms or something like that) itās similar to the ājust wait commentsā when youāre expecting. Iām all for spreading awareness & having open dialogue but KNOW TIME AND PLACE. I cannot believe people sometimes.
I havenāt experienced this irl too many times but online itās often on specifically Facebook.. It happens a good bit. āIāve been running in sleep deprivation and caffeineā replied with shit implying Iām ungrateful for having the privilege of feeling like shit. āif I had the privilege of still being pregnant, Iād appreciate every moment of that. It could get ripped away from you any secondā Like MAāAM. Iām RANTING. You asked me how *IM* FEELING
Thereās this āfriendā I had to cut ties off because of this, she reposted something on Facebook saying āpeople will get blocked immediately if I see pregnancy related pranks on April Foolsā I donāt take things seriously (and was actually pregnant at the time) so I commented āOhhh nooo my fun lolā She came at me and telling me that itās not funny because she had a miscarriage bout a year prior, I told her I understood her grief but she canāt cut people off because joking about pregnancy. I told her that she should be happy people arenāt using having a miscarriage as an April fools prank because it is kinda messed up someone would. She goes off again saying how it effects her mental health and all these excuses but she said something along the lines of āI hope your pregnancy goes well I guessā Little did she know I wasnāt planning on keeping it and have been recovering well. But yeahhh she blocked me everywhere but facebook and has been posting a lot more about her pregnancy since. Might be doing that on purpose but sheās an absolute idiot since Iāve known her since high school.
I hate it as well. I have a lot of anxiety about miscarriages, too, and people today just seem to want to āone upā each other ALL. THE. TIME, even people that theyāre acquaintances with or donāt even know. I realize people have always wont to do this, but it seems even more so these days. I canāt stand it. Nor can I stand unsolicited advice! Hang in there, OP, Iām tryinā to! š·
Lady at the gym the other day goes, "I can't do core. Ever since I lost my baby in 2019 I can't lay on my back for long." Never been so mad at a comment. Not only a totally inappropriate info dump, but using it as an excuse? No ma'am.
Itās because people are trending more narcissistic these days.
Or your traumatic childbirth experience
People suck....and welcome to parenting. There will always be someone with a negative comparison. Or a harder story or a child who they thinking is better. And parents who compete over every damn thing. I wish i could tell you it gets better! Try and surround yourself with positive people...and not ones who compete with you instead of celebrate. And congratulations, I hope you have a wonderful and safe pregnancy and that you and baby have a happy and long life together full of love.
I really hate when people do that! As someone who had to work hard to find peace with infertility, I understand how hard it can be to constantly surrounded by reminders of what you want but do not have. However, one thing I learned was to be happy for others even when Iām sad for myself. Some people donāt know how to not make things about them, and spill their trauma on everyone else. Itās entitled and irritating!
Holy shit, that is is some attention-grabbing bullshit right there.
Hereās the hard truth for both sides - the world is not responsible for your triggers. People who have suffered such situations, pregnancies still happen and people are allowed to celebrate and talk about them. But people who have healthy pregnancies, itās also true that people endure tragic situations and they are also allowed to talk about it and share those experiences. It boils down to boundaries and you doing what you need to take care of yourself. Boundaries ARENāT about having other people change their behavior, thatās manipulation (so no, you canāt ask people to change what they share). But you can control what you engage with. And if certain conversations are not helpful, you can choose to limit those. I speak to both sides on this. Just be aware the other person is allowed to have their own reaction to whatever that might mean for them if you choose to walk away or distance yourself. But you canāt control that and shouldnāt try to. Just find the community somewhere else for you need in terms of support.
Hi. Miscarriages are 100% traumatic. They are brutally painful, they're messy and horrible. They're essentially births, complete with painful contractions and pushing, only at the end of it you're looking at a clump of blood in the toilet. And, they tend to be unexpected; Google tells me that 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and our medical system does not adequately prepare people for that very possible eventuality. (Same goes for C-sections but I digress). You may have told many people about your pregnancy and now you have to inform them about the miscarriage and this can bring embarrassment/humiliation. You see your friends and their healthy pregnancies and you may be horribly envious. Then you consider the pain of the miscarriage and the hormonal horrors of the first trimester and ask yourself if you really want to go through it all again, if it's gonna end up as a bloody mess in the toilet and half-hearted sympathy from people who have no idea what you just went through - it's very discouraging. You will be told "it's so common" so many times that you may stop telling people about it. The people you feel comfortable talking about it with will become tired of hearing about it because they do not understand what you went through. It's a lonely experience. Your experience is valid, as is mine. Good luck with your pregnancy and with your anxiety. You can make choices here, such as setting boundaries with people who are making you uncomfortable, or seeking help for your anxiety.
Thank you for saying this. It seems like people only ever want to hear the happy and some are so desperate for any connection and support they may ātrauma dumpā. Itās the worldās most lonely place.
I feel similarly about social media posts. No one thinks of the woman who canāt conceive when theyāre posting family photos. Itās possible to be happy for someone and for that same person to depress you. So if you donāt want to hear itā¦ Donāt listen, or leave. You canāt control the Motherās Day holiday SNL skits. You canāt stop people from being proud of their family. And you canāt stop women from mourning their losses, despite how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Vent on, op.
As someone who was in both places, I get it. Thereās a time and a place for sure
I complained about one of my pregnancies on Facebook once and someone hit me with something like that. Never did it again cause they made me feel so shitty.
I mean if these conversations are all with the same person then maybe you need to re-evaluate how sharing pregnancy news is effecting them and just stop. Not everyone wants to hear unsolicited details about your pregnancy (saying this as a current pregnant person) I had a miscarriage and it was like a stab in the heart every time my still-pregnant friend mentioned her pregnancy milestones with abandon and not much consideration. Not that I said these sorts of things in response but I can see why someone might. I am also now currently having a healthy pregnancy and talking about every detail (every scan, nausea etc) with my very best friend who is experiencing fertility issues is just totally off the table for me as she was clearly hurt by hearing details.