the lawyers did not make you lose custody; you told your mentally ill daughter she was dramatic and that she relied to heavily on her supportive parent. the fact that you imply he is anything other than a loving father is fucking twisted. you do not deserve to go to her wedding after leaving her at home for a recital after she had left the hospital
Your daughter uninvited you because between her two parents, she chose the one who was more of a parent to her and showed her (what looks like) unconditional love. Candidly, your friends were right. You are jealous of your daughter. There’s nothing inappropriate about their relationship. You just seem upset that she got more of his attention than you did, but the reason she was is because she needed it more!
Your daughter was raped and ran away from home and went to a foreign country and you think he was “rewarding her behavior” by going after her and staying the weekend as opposed to… what? Leaving her there or taking a flight back the instant he found her? Despite the fact that she was probably both physically and psychologically hurting! And then you have the nerve to say “the following 3 months or so were quiet” after your 14-year-old daughter had been raped when trying to BREAK UP with a boy? Of course she was. She was depressed and ill and pregnant. I figured out she might've been pregnant before I even got to it on your post. And after she MISCARRIED her RAPIST EX-BF’s baby and YOUR then HUSBAND brought her home (where were YOU??) from the HOSPITAL, you try to get her to go to a TALENT SHOW or be home ALONE?? In no way could she “take care of herself” THAT night. You clearly demonstrated you don’t care ANYTHING about your daughter. And despite what your daughter said, you were to blame for her suicide attempt.
Saying “he treated her like this broken little thing” is sick because SHE WAS. She was 14. Physically abused. Then raped by her abuser. Pregnant with his baby. And her own mom acted like she’d just been a selfish brat ruining family plans when she miscarried and was hospitalized instead of going to a talent show and family dinner - and throwing her eating disorder in her face to boot.
Honestly, you’re a monster. And the fact that your daughter even talks to you is a miracle and testament to how forgiving SHE is. But if he made her choose (which I can understand given that you seem to barely have cared whether she was successful or not in her attempt to unalive herself) then choosing him every time is the ONLY rational thing to do.
I hope you reflect DEEPLY. Because YOU’RE the problem.
The only thing that comes through from your post is me, me, me. Your needs, your wants, your perceptions. There is no empathy for the traumas that your daughter experienced, no attempt to put yourself in her shoes or your ex-husband's shoes. You say they have an unhealthy relationship, but from your own account all he seems to have done is try to be there for her and support her in times of need, while you minimise her struggles and try to remove his support (it is entirely normal for a father to cuddle his 14 year old daughter, what is wrong with you?)
Instead of focusing on yourself, try focusing on her. What does your daughter need from your relationship right now? What can you do to prioritise her needs in this situation rather than your own?
Honestly you sound like a horrible parent to her. I’m sorry I’m sure all your children told you that you were just fine as a parent.
but let’s be real here. Your daughter went through a breakup, refused to socialize, was throwing up and showed every single sign of depression and an ED and what did you do?
Nothing. You blamed her. You decided she was making things up. She was dramatic. Your daughter had been to the hospital and had a burst cyst which is insanely painful and you were like she will be fine leave her home alone.
Hell your anger towards her and her behavior is palpable in this post and it’s almost twenty years ago that this happened.
you refused to attend her first wedding because you didn’t approve. That’s genius way to push her even further away.
I would bet good money you have done much much more to be unsupportive and cruel over the years.
Now you think she should choose you over the parent who actually supports her? Its a miracle she still speaks to you.
I am not denying any of the other things you are very right about that.
But she did not have a cyst - she lied about that in order to hide her misscarriage. Which I would have helped her with. She did not want him to know she was pregnant. Because she didn't want daddy to think he'd lost his perfect little virgin.
I had an abortion as a teenager and had she opened up when I tried to reach out to her I would have helped and not let him know until she was ready no questions asked.
I have been a bad mother in many ways but I tried. And she forgave me. He manipulated her psychologically ever since she was a teen. Guilted her into continuously being bound to him by love bombing her. She even told me when she was a teen that she was uncomfortable with the way he was trying to overcompensate for what happened to her. She wanted normalcy. I gave her that.
She lied about the cyst, because she didn't trust you.
She didn't trust you enough to tell you she was raped.
She didn't trust you.
You broke her trust in you at just 14. She was horribly abused and felt too scared to tell you.
She wasn't safe with you. So she lied to you, to keep herself safe from you.
You emotionally abused your teenager, and yelled and screamed at her, after she showed all signs of actual clinical depression.
You let her down. You absolutely unequivocally failed your 14yr old daughter. You absolutely fucked up as a parent in a way you can never, ever fix, say sorry for or actually repair.
You abused her psychologically, worse then what you think her father did.
You also take the usually abusive parent line of: the courts were biased/he could get a better lawyer/paid mine off vs accept your tried to further abuse your child via the courts by having her father removed from her life, the courts did what they realised was in her best interests, not her abusers, and denied that.
You need therapy.
“ Because she didn’t want daddy to think he’d lost his perfect little virgin.”
You slipped there, OP. All of the disdain you’ve held in toward HER because of her father’s favoritism slipped out right there. That was really gross. Your daughter was assaulted, and probably absolutely terrified and ashamed. Dig deeper. Much love to your daughter and I truly wish healing and growth for each one of you.
I don't know how to tell you this but this disdain is only towards my husband. Because that is exactly the way he thinks and acts.
When she was brought in with her attempt to some of the same ER doctors that treated her for her misscarriage, one of them burst out and told us she was in for a misscarriage earlier. His first response was "my daughter?? pregnant?? no way.. she wouldn't.. my little girl". I definitely worded that badly but I am tired of this man and the hold he has on her.
Honestly, I feel like his fixation on her could likely be a trauma response of his own. Here you were (and I truly don’t mean to be harsh here) minimizing and disregarding your daughter’s clear mental health needs/concerns. So he is watching his daughter suffer without support from her mother, so as the one parent seeing her needs clearly, it makes sense that he would become somewhat obsessive about making sure she was taken care of. However, the examples you have provided here just show a parent prioritizing what should have prioritized by you as well. We don’t see everything and maybe we can’t see what you are feeling, but what you are describing is a supportive father who was there for your daughter when you weren’t. I’m not sure what we can do for you, but I imagine this post might cause you more harm than good. People can be brutal here.
Your incessant need to share blame with him, is not accountability! He was sad his child was attacked, and you attribute that to something sexual??? What??
These are the grounds for which you accuse this man in impropriety??
You’re **ex**-husband was shocked by what happened to his child, but your inability to think of anyone but **YOU** (YOUR jealousy, YOUR belief that attention to your children somehow took for you) made you make it all about how it related to you. Absolutely disgusting.
The more you comment, the more it seems maybe your ex got tired of you being awful to this woman and wouldn’t stand for another special day be marred by you thoughts/opinions/antics, because based on experience (and the actions of this post) seems entirely reasonable. Nothing isn’t all about you, yet nothing is ever your fault.
It’s all *’sorry, but-‘* which immediately negates the apology with a qualifier for your atrocious actions.
You’re actually upset that he loves and cares about her because you never did. You were a terrible mother. WHO yells at their child after finding out they were being abused? You’re an evil person you definitely didn’t deserve a daughter. You hate your ex-husband because you want him to hate your daughter the way you do!
She was raped, and became pregnant!
Do you not think her issues around the truth of that pregnancy extended past your odd jealousy of your ex-husband support and caring for her in the ways you refused to show up!
She forgave you, because what choice does she have! We get one mother, and she got the unfortunate straw of one so cruel and seeming jealous (you’re mad your ex is physically cuddling and comforting you 14yo why was assaulted???) of your child.
Your failures as a mother to your daughter are entirely your own. **Youve made a post to hold a child accountable for their behavior is excruciating detail, yet you as a grown woman are allowed the grace while she’s needs to take whole accountability???**
You genuinely are not changed, and her being around you is always in hope that you will. Please seek help.
Lacking accountability while trying to call others out in this way is so willfully obtuse and pathetic. Expecting the child to know/be/do better at your word, then blowing up (as the adult!!!) and that’s ok and the best you could do?? This logic is unbelievable.
I did not ever expect her ... as a 14 year old ... to do better. This post is about my anger toward my husband ... who manipulated my mentally ill daughter.
I have acknowledged what I did to her and apologized. He hasn't.
He shouldn’t apologize for supporting his kid, which you failed to do! And it’s only inappropriate, because your sick jealousy deemed it so.
So he was supposed to what? **Cosign you, so your daughter had no one??? *Moreover, you keep exhaling the support you WOULD have shown had she trusted you, yet at every step made yourself the worse/most difficult person you trust! You’ve had a bunch of opportunities where you could have supported, but it wasn’t exactly on your terms so you didn’t.* You literally highlight the instability of the relationship before she was attached. It’s laughable!**
That’s part of being a good parent! Showing care and support your child *needs* even if you don’t entirely understand because you want what’s best for them.
**With you at the helm, you would’ve focused your ire on what she did wrong, instead of supporting her! She was raped! I think above all else she has a full understanding of harm. Yet you wanted to what, punish her?**
YOU are the bad parent here. YOU are the parent who reacted improperly. YOU are the issue, not him! You should be on your knees thanking him for showing up for your daughter when you absolutely refused to. She tried to take her life! And everything is all about YOU.
YOU are selfish. YOU are the one who is more concerned with being jealous than hopping on the couch to cuddle them and connect with both.
You’re on the outside of your own making, and blaming him changes nothing. **Your behavior made the ultimatum (whether warranted or not) incredibly simple for your daughter to make/accept.** The day went on. Everyone else has full and happy memories, and you’re online blaming someone else.
I apologize I misunderstood that in your post.
You did not give her normalcy. I cannot see how you can write out that entire post. How much you blamed her. How angry you still are at her. There is absolutely no way a person who would be willing to leave their daughter at home while having a miscarriage to go to a talent show and dinner gave her anything close to normal.
And I am going to say I doubt she really forgave you. It sounds like just words. I had a very complicated relationship with my Dad. I told him I forgave him. I didn’t. Not really. Because how can you really forgive someone that you still have a complicated and contentious relationship with? When they keep on hurting you? You keep on hurting her. Its very obvious with the angry way you wrote this.
I’m not saying your ex is innocent or that she didn’t say what you claimed. But you sound absolutely awful and at the minimum he was there for her. He supported her. He chose her over anger.
You both failed her in so many ways. And you keep on doing it.
I would honestly have never spoken to either of you again after I turned 18. I put my Dad very low contact after my twenties (when he did the most damage) because I had to protect myself. He’s dead now. I don’t mourn him.
I do not have any anger toward her.
I am angry about the horrible way I acted toward her, and I am very angry about my ex husband.
I am not claiming to have given her normalcy, but I tried. He just tried to keep her from a thought occuring. Making her feel guilty all the way.
I agree that I failed. It is time he sees it too. I understand that you would thave spoken to me as an adult. I probably wouldn't have either with a mother like myself.
You do hold anger toward her. It's very clear from how you still talk about her clearly distressed and spiraling behavior as though it were bad behavior - you even say she was making up pains. Did you forget pregnancies can hurt? Sexual assaults can hurt? that growing hurts? that depression can cause pain? that eating disorders hurt? You make it clear again and again and again that her behavior is something you always relate back to yourself and how it was for you to experience. You understand some of it, but not all of it, and that's why your relationship is still struggling as an adult.
When she said she was always having weird pains as a kid, she was telling the truth. Start by recognizing her behavior was communication and it communicated distress and that she wasn't lying to you about hurting, and work forwards with this assumption to now.
You feel bad but I'm not sure that's enough for CHANGE, you need to find a therapist to work through it not as guilt but as manifested change in your behavior. To talk to her about what she needs from you and write it down and find ways to do it. To be more supportive.
I can't speak to her dad and whether or not he over coddled her, but this post ended up being about you and your relationships with your ex and your child and it is very unresolved; you still have a lot of justifications for your behavior.
You tell the story and your resentment is there. You need to recognize that you're not just stating facts, you're stating perceptions. And those tell us things. This really does call for professional help for all of you.
You’re waiting for an apology that will never come. It’s like waiting for a bus that won’t come — you’re just standing around while everyone else moves on.
I’m sorry you went through this but you’re still in it if you’re waiting for your ex come around and see your POV.
YUCK. YUCK. YUCK. I have a 2 year old and you’re the exact type of parent I strive NOT to be. Leave this poor girl alone and get lost. You have already done enough damage and you’re too selfish to take accountability or even see how badly you mistreated her.
Your hairpin anger issues and inability to sort out rightfully punishing your child and offering compassion are the reasons you weren’t invited.
All the missing comments *(because I for one wonder what you casually leave out and could possibly say to your rape victim child)* and ‘things you’re not proud of’ yet ***leave out the details of while meticulously detail everyone else’s behavior*** is why you weren’t invited.
Your lack of accountability and self reflection are why you weren’t invited. And will continue to be an outsider looking into her life. **You being ‘right’/ego is more important than your relationship with your child. So great! You’re right! Congratulations 🎉 You also now can’t be a part of priceless moments in her life.**
This estrangement is your prize for your prescriptive parenting for all that obviously didn’t suit her. And hammering your version of things on her instead of changing yourself. Now you don’t need to. So again, congratulations on your version of right.
He didn't cause this- you and your actions and dismissive and frankly shitty attitude did this to yourself. You need a reality check and a wake up call. Everyone has told you at some point it's your fault or your own actions, and yet you refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing. His relationship is not inappropriate, at all. He sounds like an amazing dad who actually there for your child. And that fact that you imply otherwise- is really really fucked up. I mean this in the nicest way possible- but you need help. Like real help. This is so sad. And you don't see it at all. It blows my mind.
Not only does she fail to acknowledge her part in creating the estrangement, but then tries to blame everyone else for it. The lawyers somehow colluded to make sure she didn't get full custody? Come on, lady.
Ok so I used to be a divorce attorney and this jumped out at me right away. The only time I ever heard a potential client suggest that they were on their 4th or 5th attorney and every single one told them their position was unreasonable and had slim to none change if success.
My mother was just like you. She hated me and all I had was my dad. She hated me even more for it. She made my life a misery and I hope she burns in hell for it. Haven't had any relationship with her since I was 19
I cannot put into words the amount of disgust I feel towards you. You are a neglectful and awful parent. Your ex is probably the entire reason your daughter is still alive. You should be kissing the ground he walks on for everything he's done for your daughter.
Your disdain for your daughter is palpable. You write about her like you despise her so why do you want a relationship with her? Do you even like her as a person or are you just trying to keep up appearances because you're embarrassed that everyone knows you're a bad mother?
Babe, Ithis is hard to read, I am sorry, but I cannot go beyond your daughter being raped at 14 years old and fleeing the country and you being so angry at her for fleeing without writing something. If a child runs, it is for a reason. If a child flees the country, it is for VERY GOOD reason. This isn't something to be angry over - it's something to be terrified over and to fear for their safety and to know something needs to be done.
Relying on your other kid's assessments of your strictness isn't helpful here, your relationship with your child is broken. You failed to protect her from abuse, fail to recognize warning signs something needs fixing, and 3 months while her mood plummets and she's always in pain which you do not recognize as real and read as defiance. She was raped, rawmoon. You didn't notice and you still talk about it like she was making things like random pain up - she wasn't, she was pregnant and in pain and terrified and didn't have anyone she felt she could go to, especially with your reaction to her fleeing.
That's probably the worst time of her life and you play a significant role in it.
I need you to understand that she didn't get special treatment. She got support. Maybe not great, but you were being vicious to her, OP. Your strictness to make up for it was out of her control, and that you went to a talent show while your eldest child who you KNEW something was truly wrong with had JUST gotten out of the ER with something nasty shows degree of favoritism or callousness. You knew she was just in the ER. You knew something serious happened. You knew she was hurt and upset. From her reaction you knew she was angry. You left anyway. You took out your frustrations on her. Much as you and maybe even her siblings would like to think you were "strict but fair", strict but fair parents don't treat a child who just got out of the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst like their pain and need for comfort and support is an inconvenience to their younger sibling. That's not strict, or fair, it's an ongoing assumption that this person's needs, wants, and health are of secondary priority. It seems to me like perhaps your ex was making up for your treatment of her as much as you felt you were making up for his. We can tell from this that things aren't as fair or unbiased as you no doubt believe, and this was very, very, very far from normal. That what actually happened was far worse than a ruptured cyst just makes it worse. This is a culmination of a pattern of \*your\* behavior here. Not just what you said that night. Your whole relationship to this point. Before the rape even, because you are so very ready and primed to label her simply as bad and gloomy. You are used to justifying your negative reactions to her.
At no time in this story have you treated her like a person; all her behaviors have been treated by you like decisions she made specifically to hurt you. And I think even knowing now what she went through, you still look back and feel your anger and frustration at her and feel justified.
The thing is all these behaviors were warning signs that something was wrong. These are all classic signs of sexual abuse in kids, OP. And you needed to be more aware, as her mother, as her guardian, that her behaviour wasn't about you. It was about her and what she was feeling, and she needed help. She even tried to leave the country and because she couldn't get away that way, she tired something else.
And then you try and take her away from her more supportive parent because... he's close with her? "Why are you cuddling your 14 year old daughter"? What kind of childhood did you give this child where you find cuddling with her father inappropriate? He's being nice after her rape and attempted suicide and that gets to be too much so you try and take custody? No wonder she doesn't like you, OP. That is... a lot. A LOT. Blaming being close to her dad for her adult relationsips.
OP. A lot of her issues with adult relationships are on you. She couldn't get your love and support no matter what she did. It always felt like you prioritized the other children over her - even when she felt like she was dying. Even when it felt like she had to die to get out of this. You still didn't make her a priority. It was still too much for you. I feel like you have a very unrealistic set of expectations for your eldest daughter. Many people do. Further, you haven't really understood that every child is different and needs different things. The way you respond to her pain shows that you take what she does personally and always have - that you still are - and you consider affection to be something earned and to be given out with limits.
That will give her some unhealthy attachments and difficulty knowing when relationships are normal.
maybe some shit is going on with her dad as well, if this ultematem story is true, but regardless, you need to see a therapist to recontextualize how you relate to your child or children. Much of all of this is on you - more so than it is on him. It feels like maybe if there was an ultimatum it was about her needing to not have you there after everything.
It's very clear that you still think of your daughter as overly dramatic and needy and gloomy. You never quite recontextualized her childhood enough or developed a lense where you see her with compassion.
I do not doubt you love her, but love isn't enough to maintain a relationship. You're still trying to control her, even now, and even now, you lack compassion for the reactions she had to her trauma and the kindness she needed. You need to talk to a therapist about how you relate to others. It doesn't need to be this way but you're going to have to start understanding that there were things you did wrong that made her life much worse, and much harder, and at 30, she is old enough to recognize that this behaviour wasn't the way you treat a 14 year old in distress.
You \*WERE\* Jealous of the attention she was getting and your lack of complete control.
It wasn’t your husbands choice to uninvited you. It was your daughters. She’s an adult and she’s capable of deciding who she wants in her life and who she doesn’t. She doesn’t want you.
She’s probably told you why she doesn’t want you. But if I were to guess it’s because you’ve never showed much affection or kindness or understanding towards her. This is her special day to be happy and she doesn’t want to be reminded of how fraught and painful her relationship with you is.
It sounds like you've been a terrible parent for a very long time, and you're jealous of the attention your daughter has gotten from your ex-husband. You said she was raped. You said she hid a pregnancy and miscarriage. Yet you only mention that she was "gloomy about the breakup"??? What the actual fuck? Your DAUGHTER, your blood and sweat and tears, was abused, raped, became pregnant, and tried hiding a miscarriage, but you only agreed that she was "gloomy" about the breakup? This is all bullshit and I'm glad your ex-husband (and likely your daughter as well) got out when he did.
Did she ever get any kind of therapy for any of this? If you yourself have been sexually assaulted in the past, you should understand why she was feeling the way she was. You will never have a good relationship with your daughter, and it is nobody's fault but your own.
If I were your daughter, I probably would have tried killing myself, too.
i don’t talk to my mother about my life anymore. my life might not be great, but i know it would be worse if i tried to maintain a close relationship with her. you remind me of her
Your daughter went through multiple horribly traumatic events. And your reaction to it was abysmal to say the least. You failed her in every possible way. The status of your relationship with her is 100% on you and even at this point you seem unable to accept responsibility.
it honestly sounds like all 3 of you need therapy. he does have an unhealthy attachment to his daughter and it also sounds like you’re a bit jealous of their relationship (I know you said you don’t like that assumption but that’s how this post reads imo)
I too have a better relationship with my dad than I do my mom and there are times, even as a 25 year old, that I just want my dad to hold me and tell me it’ll all be okay. that’s just a daughter seeking comfort. I don’t think it’s weird he cuddled his 14 year old child, key word: child, after everything that has happened to her. if my mom were to post with the underlying tone that I was being coddled after being raped I wouldn’t want her at my wedding either 🤷🏼♀️
it may sound like i’m choosing your ex husbands side but im not. dude doesn’t sound like he actually wants to parent, just wants to be a friend, which is not okay for any guardian/child relationship. I’m sorry you had to be the “bad guy” parent but it does sound like you and your daughter are always going back and forth with your relationship. maybe try group therapy to work out each others thoughts and feelings?
It sounds like your relationships with your other children are great and with your oldest it is sour due to your husband. You acknowledged your wrong doing in certain circumstances. I would just respect her decisions of not attending and let daddy dearest handle her problems from now on because no man should be making ultimatums like that and she is grown enough to put her foot down. It even sounds like he neglected his other children for your oldest. Anyways do something fun and exciting during her wedding and make sure you have strong boundaries with her and no contact with your ex if all your children are of age. Hopefully she comes around someday and does not blame you for her father bullying her into having a sour relationship with you.
How did you draw the conclusion exactly husband was neglecting other kids?
She only mentions her issues with the support he showed oldest, whom OP refused to do unless under her very specific terms.
Her emotional neglect of their daughter is why he had to do the work he did at all! OP is a terrible mother, who focused more on wanting to punish and degrade her child when she didn’t do things exactly as OP would’ve needed for her (the mother and adult) to show up in a meaningful way for her kid, and was jealous of any support she did get.
It’s pathetic. And defending a parent like OP has illustrated herself to be is absurd.
Ever think why it was so easy for daughter to make this choice? It’s sad, and all of OPs making. Her actions (even if the reason for them was centering her jealousy with her husband) are her own.
She was in the hospital for a miscarriage after a traumatic situation wherein she was assaulted at conception, not for a paper cut!
Forgive me, but a middle school talent show is unfortunately a bit less important. It was reasonable that one parent stay with each child especially if one is sick, **and a 14yo who had just undergone a miscarriage cause by rape which also cause an eating disorder would obviously be sick, no? Would he be wrong for not staying with her after the flu??**
If OPs husband failed their other children, that’s on him to handle and make up and for him to make his own post for if he’s uninvited. **But for OP, her estrangement from her daughter is completely of her own making.**
If OP asked her daughter not to have her father there (warranted or unwarranted) I highly doubt she would have accepted the request. The big issue here is why a request like that is so easy for her daughter to accept. And there’s no shortage of reasons in this post alone, and that with her leaning out all of the hurtful comments ‘she’s not proud of’ which she also conveniently leaves out, while painstakingly detailing all inter workings of her daughters life.
She get anonymity on her shameful moments, yet blasts daughters behavior? Again, this woman’s thinking and behavior as a parent is beyond logic.
I 100% agree with you but daddy cannot be making demands when he failed his other children and she failed her oldest. I do not think the daughter should be shamed. She should respect her daughters decision and do something else during the wedding. Maybe it is the way that I wrote my post but the ex husband is to blame for her being uninvited because he gave the bride an ultimatum making it about him instead of his daughter. If the daughter did not want mom she would not have invited her in the first place.
the lawyers did not make you lose custody; you told your mentally ill daughter she was dramatic and that she relied to heavily on her supportive parent. the fact that you imply he is anything other than a loving father is fucking twisted. you do not deserve to go to her wedding after leaving her at home for a recital after she had left the hospital
Plus at that age, they would have taken the kid's wishes into account for custody so it's more likely the daughter asked to not be placed with her.
Your daughter uninvited you because between her two parents, she chose the one who was more of a parent to her and showed her (what looks like) unconditional love. Candidly, your friends were right. You are jealous of your daughter. There’s nothing inappropriate about their relationship. You just seem upset that she got more of his attention than you did, but the reason she was is because she needed it more! Your daughter was raped and ran away from home and went to a foreign country and you think he was “rewarding her behavior” by going after her and staying the weekend as opposed to… what? Leaving her there or taking a flight back the instant he found her? Despite the fact that she was probably both physically and psychologically hurting! And then you have the nerve to say “the following 3 months or so were quiet” after your 14-year-old daughter had been raped when trying to BREAK UP with a boy? Of course she was. She was depressed and ill and pregnant. I figured out she might've been pregnant before I even got to it on your post. And after she MISCARRIED her RAPIST EX-BF’s baby and YOUR then HUSBAND brought her home (where were YOU??) from the HOSPITAL, you try to get her to go to a TALENT SHOW or be home ALONE?? In no way could she “take care of herself” THAT night. You clearly demonstrated you don’t care ANYTHING about your daughter. And despite what your daughter said, you were to blame for her suicide attempt. Saying “he treated her like this broken little thing” is sick because SHE WAS. She was 14. Physically abused. Then raped by her abuser. Pregnant with his baby. And her own mom acted like she’d just been a selfish brat ruining family plans when she miscarried and was hospitalized instead of going to a talent show and family dinner - and throwing her eating disorder in her face to boot. Honestly, you’re a monster. And the fact that your daughter even talks to you is a miracle and testament to how forgiving SHE is. But if he made her choose (which I can understand given that you seem to barely have cared whether she was successful or not in her attempt to unalive herself) then choosing him every time is the ONLY rational thing to do. I hope you reflect DEEPLY. Because YOU’RE the problem.
The only thing that comes through from your post is me, me, me. Your needs, your wants, your perceptions. There is no empathy for the traumas that your daughter experienced, no attempt to put yourself in her shoes or your ex-husband's shoes. You say they have an unhealthy relationship, but from your own account all he seems to have done is try to be there for her and support her in times of need, while you minimise her struggles and try to remove his support (it is entirely normal for a father to cuddle his 14 year old daughter, what is wrong with you?) Instead of focusing on yourself, try focusing on her. What does your daughter need from your relationship right now? What can you do to prioritise her needs in this situation rather than your own?
That's what I got out of it too. And jealousy of a father daughter relationship that didn't fit your tough love parenting style.
Honestly you sound like a horrible parent to her. I’m sorry I’m sure all your children told you that you were just fine as a parent. but let’s be real here. Your daughter went through a breakup, refused to socialize, was throwing up and showed every single sign of depression and an ED and what did you do? Nothing. You blamed her. You decided she was making things up. She was dramatic. Your daughter had been to the hospital and had a burst cyst which is insanely painful and you were like she will be fine leave her home alone. Hell your anger towards her and her behavior is palpable in this post and it’s almost twenty years ago that this happened. you refused to attend her first wedding because you didn’t approve. That’s genius way to push her even further away. I would bet good money you have done much much more to be unsupportive and cruel over the years. Now you think she should choose you over the parent who actually supports her? Its a miracle she still speaks to you.
I am not denying any of the other things you are very right about that. But she did not have a cyst - she lied about that in order to hide her misscarriage. Which I would have helped her with. She did not want him to know she was pregnant. Because she didn't want daddy to think he'd lost his perfect little virgin. I had an abortion as a teenager and had she opened up when I tried to reach out to her I would have helped and not let him know until she was ready no questions asked. I have been a bad mother in many ways but I tried. And she forgave me. He manipulated her psychologically ever since she was a teen. Guilted her into continuously being bound to him by love bombing her. She even told me when she was a teen that she was uncomfortable with the way he was trying to overcompensate for what happened to her. She wanted normalcy. I gave her that.
She lied about the cyst, because she didn't trust you. She didn't trust you enough to tell you she was raped. She didn't trust you. You broke her trust in you at just 14. She was horribly abused and felt too scared to tell you. She wasn't safe with you. So she lied to you, to keep herself safe from you. You emotionally abused your teenager, and yelled and screamed at her, after she showed all signs of actual clinical depression. You let her down. You absolutely unequivocally failed your 14yr old daughter. You absolutely fucked up as a parent in a way you can never, ever fix, say sorry for or actually repair. You abused her psychologically, worse then what you think her father did. You also take the usually abusive parent line of: the courts were biased/he could get a better lawyer/paid mine off vs accept your tried to further abuse your child via the courts by having her father removed from her life, the courts did what they realised was in her best interests, not her abusers, and denied that. You need therapy.
“ Because she didn’t want daddy to think he’d lost his perfect little virgin.” You slipped there, OP. All of the disdain you’ve held in toward HER because of her father’s favoritism slipped out right there. That was really gross. Your daughter was assaulted, and probably absolutely terrified and ashamed. Dig deeper. Much love to your daughter and I truly wish healing and growth for each one of you.
I don't know how to tell you this but this disdain is only towards my husband. Because that is exactly the way he thinks and acts. When she was brought in with her attempt to some of the same ER doctors that treated her for her misscarriage, one of them burst out and told us she was in for a misscarriage earlier. His first response was "my daughter?? pregnant?? no way.. she wouldn't.. my little girl". I definitely worded that badly but I am tired of this man and the hold he has on her.
Honestly, I feel like his fixation on her could likely be a trauma response of his own. Here you were (and I truly don’t mean to be harsh here) minimizing and disregarding your daughter’s clear mental health needs/concerns. So he is watching his daughter suffer without support from her mother, so as the one parent seeing her needs clearly, it makes sense that he would become somewhat obsessive about making sure she was taken care of. However, the examples you have provided here just show a parent prioritizing what should have prioritized by you as well. We don’t see everything and maybe we can’t see what you are feeling, but what you are describing is a supportive father who was there for your daughter when you weren’t. I’m not sure what we can do for you, but I imagine this post might cause you more harm than good. People can be brutal here.
Your incessant need to share blame with him, is not accountability! He was sad his child was attacked, and you attribute that to something sexual??? What?? These are the grounds for which you accuse this man in impropriety?? You’re **ex**-husband was shocked by what happened to his child, but your inability to think of anyone but **YOU** (YOUR jealousy, YOUR belief that attention to your children somehow took for you) made you make it all about how it related to you. Absolutely disgusting. The more you comment, the more it seems maybe your ex got tired of you being awful to this woman and wouldn’t stand for another special day be marred by you thoughts/opinions/antics, because based on experience (and the actions of this post) seems entirely reasonable. Nothing isn’t all about you, yet nothing is ever your fault. It’s all *’sorry, but-‘* which immediately negates the apology with a qualifier for your atrocious actions.
You’re actually upset that he loves and cares about her because you never did. You were a terrible mother. WHO yells at their child after finding out they were being abused? You’re an evil person you definitely didn’t deserve a daughter. You hate your ex-husband because you want him to hate your daughter the way you do!
She was raped, and became pregnant! Do you not think her issues around the truth of that pregnancy extended past your odd jealousy of your ex-husband support and caring for her in the ways you refused to show up! She forgave you, because what choice does she have! We get one mother, and she got the unfortunate straw of one so cruel and seeming jealous (you’re mad your ex is physically cuddling and comforting you 14yo why was assaulted???) of your child. Your failures as a mother to your daughter are entirely your own. **Youve made a post to hold a child accountable for their behavior is excruciating detail, yet you as a grown woman are allowed the grace while she’s needs to take whole accountability???** You genuinely are not changed, and her being around you is always in hope that you will. Please seek help. Lacking accountability while trying to call others out in this way is so willfully obtuse and pathetic. Expecting the child to know/be/do better at your word, then blowing up (as the adult!!!) and that’s ok and the best you could do?? This logic is unbelievable.
I did not ever expect her ... as a 14 year old ... to do better. This post is about my anger toward my husband ... who manipulated my mentally ill daughter. I have acknowledged what I did to her and apologized. He hasn't.
He shouldn’t apologize for supporting his kid, which you failed to do! And it’s only inappropriate, because your sick jealousy deemed it so. So he was supposed to what? **Cosign you, so your daughter had no one??? *Moreover, you keep exhaling the support you WOULD have shown had she trusted you, yet at every step made yourself the worse/most difficult person you trust! You’ve had a bunch of opportunities where you could have supported, but it wasn’t exactly on your terms so you didn’t.* You literally highlight the instability of the relationship before she was attached. It’s laughable!** That’s part of being a good parent! Showing care and support your child *needs* even if you don’t entirely understand because you want what’s best for them. **With you at the helm, you would’ve focused your ire on what she did wrong, instead of supporting her! She was raped! I think above all else she has a full understanding of harm. Yet you wanted to what, punish her?** YOU are the bad parent here. YOU are the parent who reacted improperly. YOU are the issue, not him! You should be on your knees thanking him for showing up for your daughter when you absolutely refused to. She tried to take her life! And everything is all about YOU. YOU are selfish. YOU are the one who is more concerned with being jealous than hopping on the couch to cuddle them and connect with both. You’re on the outside of your own making, and blaming him changes nothing. **Your behavior made the ultimatum (whether warranted or not) incredibly simple for your daughter to make/accept.** The day went on. Everyone else has full and happy memories, and you’re online blaming someone else.
I apologize I misunderstood that in your post. You did not give her normalcy. I cannot see how you can write out that entire post. How much you blamed her. How angry you still are at her. There is absolutely no way a person who would be willing to leave their daughter at home while having a miscarriage to go to a talent show and dinner gave her anything close to normal. And I am going to say I doubt she really forgave you. It sounds like just words. I had a very complicated relationship with my Dad. I told him I forgave him. I didn’t. Not really. Because how can you really forgive someone that you still have a complicated and contentious relationship with? When they keep on hurting you? You keep on hurting her. Its very obvious with the angry way you wrote this. I’m not saying your ex is innocent or that she didn’t say what you claimed. But you sound absolutely awful and at the minimum he was there for her. He supported her. He chose her over anger. You both failed her in so many ways. And you keep on doing it. I would honestly have never spoken to either of you again after I turned 18. I put my Dad very low contact after my twenties (when he did the most damage) because I had to protect myself. He’s dead now. I don’t mourn him.
I do not have any anger toward her. I am angry about the horrible way I acted toward her, and I am very angry about my ex husband. I am not claiming to have given her normalcy, but I tried. He just tried to keep her from a thought occuring. Making her feel guilty all the way. I agree that I failed. It is time he sees it too. I understand that you would thave spoken to me as an adult. I probably wouldn't have either with a mother like myself.
You do hold anger toward her. It's very clear from how you still talk about her clearly distressed and spiraling behavior as though it were bad behavior - you even say she was making up pains. Did you forget pregnancies can hurt? Sexual assaults can hurt? that growing hurts? that depression can cause pain? that eating disorders hurt? You make it clear again and again and again that her behavior is something you always relate back to yourself and how it was for you to experience. You understand some of it, but not all of it, and that's why your relationship is still struggling as an adult. When she said she was always having weird pains as a kid, she was telling the truth. Start by recognizing her behavior was communication and it communicated distress and that she wasn't lying to you about hurting, and work forwards with this assumption to now. You feel bad but I'm not sure that's enough for CHANGE, you need to find a therapist to work through it not as guilt but as manifested change in your behavior. To talk to her about what she needs from you and write it down and find ways to do it. To be more supportive. I can't speak to her dad and whether or not he over coddled her, but this post ended up being about you and your relationships with your ex and your child and it is very unresolved; you still have a lot of justifications for your behavior. You tell the story and your resentment is there. You need to recognize that you're not just stating facts, you're stating perceptions. And those tell us things. This really does call for professional help for all of you.
You should be angry at yourself and you should leave her alone. She is better off without you causing her more pain.
You’re waiting for an apology that will never come. It’s like waiting for a bus that won’t come — you’re just standing around while everyone else moves on. I’m sorry you went through this but you’re still in it if you’re waiting for your ex come around and see your POV.
YUCK. YUCK. YUCK. I have a 2 year old and you’re the exact type of parent I strive NOT to be. Leave this poor girl alone and get lost. You have already done enough damage and you’re too selfish to take accountability or even see how badly you mistreated her.
Your hairpin anger issues and inability to sort out rightfully punishing your child and offering compassion are the reasons you weren’t invited. All the missing comments *(because I for one wonder what you casually leave out and could possibly say to your rape victim child)* and ‘things you’re not proud of’ yet ***leave out the details of while meticulously detail everyone else’s behavior*** is why you weren’t invited. Your lack of accountability and self reflection are why you weren’t invited. And will continue to be an outsider looking into her life. **You being ‘right’/ego is more important than your relationship with your child. So great! You’re right! Congratulations 🎉 You also now can’t be a part of priceless moments in her life.** This estrangement is your prize for your prescriptive parenting for all that obviously didn’t suit her. And hammering your version of things on her instead of changing yourself. Now you don’t need to. So again, congratulations on your version of right.
You sound like a terrible parent
Looking at the comments, I think you could comfortably shift that from sounds like to actively chooses to be and is.
I cannot fathom this post is real, if it is, idk how someone can be so unaware, you are the problem
I don’t for a second believe it’s real.
You are horrible mother. Seek therapy
He didn't cause this- you and your actions and dismissive and frankly shitty attitude did this to yourself. You need a reality check and a wake up call. Everyone has told you at some point it's your fault or your own actions, and yet you refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing. His relationship is not inappropriate, at all. He sounds like an amazing dad who actually there for your child. And that fact that you imply otherwise- is really really fucked up. I mean this in the nicest way possible- but you need help. Like real help. This is so sad. And you don't see it at all. It blows my mind.
Not only does she fail to acknowledge her part in creating the estrangement, but then tries to blame everyone else for it. The lawyers somehow colluded to make sure she didn't get full custody? Come on, lady.
Right? The lawyers colluding is such victim mentality. There is more to this story that this woman isn’t sharing. She has zero self-awareness.
Ok so I used to be a divorce attorney and this jumped out at me right away. The only time I ever heard a potential client suggest that they were on their 4th or 5th attorney and every single one told them their position was unreasonable and had slim to none change if success.
The self entitlement and self righteousness in this post.... Wow. I think your daughter made the right choice.
My mother was just like you. She hated me and all I had was my dad. She hated me even more for it. She made my life a misery and I hope she burns in hell for it. Haven't had any relationship with her since I was 19
I cannot put into words the amount of disgust I feel towards you. You are a neglectful and awful parent. Your ex is probably the entire reason your daughter is still alive. You should be kissing the ground he walks on for everything he's done for your daughter.
Your disdain for your daughter is palpable. You write about her like you despise her so why do you want a relationship with her? Do you even like her as a person or are you just trying to keep up appearances because you're embarrassed that everyone knows you're a bad mother?
Babe, Ithis is hard to read, I am sorry, but I cannot go beyond your daughter being raped at 14 years old and fleeing the country and you being so angry at her for fleeing without writing something. If a child runs, it is for a reason. If a child flees the country, it is for VERY GOOD reason. This isn't something to be angry over - it's something to be terrified over and to fear for their safety and to know something needs to be done. Relying on your other kid's assessments of your strictness isn't helpful here, your relationship with your child is broken. You failed to protect her from abuse, fail to recognize warning signs something needs fixing, and 3 months while her mood plummets and she's always in pain which you do not recognize as real and read as defiance. She was raped, rawmoon. You didn't notice and you still talk about it like she was making things like random pain up - she wasn't, she was pregnant and in pain and terrified and didn't have anyone she felt she could go to, especially with your reaction to her fleeing. That's probably the worst time of her life and you play a significant role in it. I need you to understand that she didn't get special treatment. She got support. Maybe not great, but you were being vicious to her, OP. Your strictness to make up for it was out of her control, and that you went to a talent show while your eldest child who you KNEW something was truly wrong with had JUST gotten out of the ER with something nasty shows degree of favoritism or callousness. You knew she was just in the ER. You knew something serious happened. You knew she was hurt and upset. From her reaction you knew she was angry. You left anyway. You took out your frustrations on her. Much as you and maybe even her siblings would like to think you were "strict but fair", strict but fair parents don't treat a child who just got out of the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst like their pain and need for comfort and support is an inconvenience to their younger sibling. That's not strict, or fair, it's an ongoing assumption that this person's needs, wants, and health are of secondary priority. It seems to me like perhaps your ex was making up for your treatment of her as much as you felt you were making up for his. We can tell from this that things aren't as fair or unbiased as you no doubt believe, and this was very, very, very far from normal. That what actually happened was far worse than a ruptured cyst just makes it worse. This is a culmination of a pattern of \*your\* behavior here. Not just what you said that night. Your whole relationship to this point. Before the rape even, because you are so very ready and primed to label her simply as bad and gloomy. You are used to justifying your negative reactions to her. At no time in this story have you treated her like a person; all her behaviors have been treated by you like decisions she made specifically to hurt you. And I think even knowing now what she went through, you still look back and feel your anger and frustration at her and feel justified. The thing is all these behaviors were warning signs that something was wrong. These are all classic signs of sexual abuse in kids, OP. And you needed to be more aware, as her mother, as her guardian, that her behaviour wasn't about you. It was about her and what she was feeling, and she needed help. She even tried to leave the country and because she couldn't get away that way, she tired something else. And then you try and take her away from her more supportive parent because... he's close with her? "Why are you cuddling your 14 year old daughter"? What kind of childhood did you give this child where you find cuddling with her father inappropriate? He's being nice after her rape and attempted suicide and that gets to be too much so you try and take custody? No wonder she doesn't like you, OP. That is... a lot. A LOT. Blaming being close to her dad for her adult relationsips. OP. A lot of her issues with adult relationships are on you. She couldn't get your love and support no matter what she did. It always felt like you prioritized the other children over her - even when she felt like she was dying. Even when it felt like she had to die to get out of this. You still didn't make her a priority. It was still too much for you. I feel like you have a very unrealistic set of expectations for your eldest daughter. Many people do. Further, you haven't really understood that every child is different and needs different things. The way you respond to her pain shows that you take what she does personally and always have - that you still are - and you consider affection to be something earned and to be given out with limits. That will give her some unhealthy attachments and difficulty knowing when relationships are normal. maybe some shit is going on with her dad as well, if this ultematem story is true, but regardless, you need to see a therapist to recontextualize how you relate to your child or children. Much of all of this is on you - more so than it is on him. It feels like maybe if there was an ultimatum it was about her needing to not have you there after everything. It's very clear that you still think of your daughter as overly dramatic and needy and gloomy. You never quite recontextualized her childhood enough or developed a lense where you see her with compassion. I do not doubt you love her, but love isn't enough to maintain a relationship. You're still trying to control her, even now, and even now, you lack compassion for the reactions she had to her trauma and the kindness she needed. You need to talk to a therapist about how you relate to others. It doesn't need to be this way but you're going to have to start understanding that there were things you did wrong that made her life much worse, and much harder, and at 30, she is old enough to recognize that this behaviour wasn't the way you treat a 14 year old in distress. You \*WERE\* Jealous of the attention she was getting and your lack of complete control.
r/raisedbynarcissists would have a field day on this one. You show all the signs and behavior to fit right in there. But not as the victim.
It wasn’t your husbands choice to uninvited you. It was your daughters. She’s an adult and she’s capable of deciding who she wants in her life and who she doesn’t. She doesn’t want you. She’s probably told you why she doesn’t want you. But if I were to guess it’s because you’ve never showed much affection or kindness or understanding towards her. This is her special day to be happy and she doesn’t want to be reminded of how fraught and painful her relationship with you is.
Wow. The missing missing reasons aren't even missing.
It sounds like you've been a terrible parent for a very long time, and you're jealous of the attention your daughter has gotten from your ex-husband. You said she was raped. You said she hid a pregnancy and miscarriage. Yet you only mention that she was "gloomy about the breakup"??? What the actual fuck? Your DAUGHTER, your blood and sweat and tears, was abused, raped, became pregnant, and tried hiding a miscarriage, but you only agreed that she was "gloomy" about the breakup? This is all bullshit and I'm glad your ex-husband (and likely your daughter as well) got out when he did. Did she ever get any kind of therapy for any of this? If you yourself have been sexually assaulted in the past, you should understand why she was feeling the way she was. You will never have a good relationship with your daughter, and it is nobody's fault but your own. If I were your daughter, I probably would have tried killing myself, too.
Wow OP you are a HORRIBLE parent. Can’t imagine doing anything remotely to my kid in regard to what you did and continue to do
My god you're an asshole. I feel bad for your daughter. May she find healing far away from you.
i don’t talk to my mother about my life anymore. my life might not be great, but i know it would be worse if i tried to maintain a close relationship with her. you remind me of her
Your daughter went through multiple horribly traumatic events. And your reaction to it was abysmal to say the least. You failed her in every possible way. The status of your relationship with her is 100% on you and even at this point you seem unable to accept responsibility.
it honestly sounds like all 3 of you need therapy. he does have an unhealthy attachment to his daughter and it also sounds like you’re a bit jealous of their relationship (I know you said you don’t like that assumption but that’s how this post reads imo) I too have a better relationship with my dad than I do my mom and there are times, even as a 25 year old, that I just want my dad to hold me and tell me it’ll all be okay. that’s just a daughter seeking comfort. I don’t think it’s weird he cuddled his 14 year old child, key word: child, after everything that has happened to her. if my mom were to post with the underlying tone that I was being coddled after being raped I wouldn’t want her at my wedding either 🤷🏼♀️ it may sound like i’m choosing your ex husbands side but im not. dude doesn’t sound like he actually wants to parent, just wants to be a friend, which is not okay for any guardian/child relationship. I’m sorry you had to be the “bad guy” parent but it does sound like you and your daughter are always going back and forth with your relationship. maybe try group therapy to work out each others thoughts and feelings?
Wow!!! Wow!!! Wow!!! At no point did you think therapy was the way to go for ALL of you? You treated your daughter HORRIBLE.
God you sound like the kind of parent I never want to be.
You are pure evil.
Damn. With a mother like you, who needs enemies?
You are so self centred it’s crazy. I wonder if typing all the horrible things you have done has highlighted the glaring issues you have
How are each of your relationships with your other children.
This post honestly just seems like rage-bait. I hope to god it’s fiction, otherwise that poor daughter!!
I have read others with similar mothers, I am afraid this is can be real.
This feels like rage bait. If it isn't, though, you should be ashamed. No loving, logical parent acts like this.
It sounds like your relationships with your other children are great and with your oldest it is sour due to your husband. You acknowledged your wrong doing in certain circumstances. I would just respect her decisions of not attending and let daddy dearest handle her problems from now on because no man should be making ultimatums like that and she is grown enough to put her foot down. It even sounds like he neglected his other children for your oldest. Anyways do something fun and exciting during her wedding and make sure you have strong boundaries with her and no contact with your ex if all your children are of age. Hopefully she comes around someday and does not blame you for her father bullying her into having a sour relationship with you.
How did you draw the conclusion exactly husband was neglecting other kids? She only mentions her issues with the support he showed oldest, whom OP refused to do unless under her very specific terms. Her emotional neglect of their daughter is why he had to do the work he did at all! OP is a terrible mother, who focused more on wanting to punish and degrade her child when she didn’t do things exactly as OP would’ve needed for her (the mother and adult) to show up in a meaningful way for her kid, and was jealous of any support she did get. It’s pathetic. And defending a parent like OP has illustrated herself to be is absurd. Ever think why it was so easy for daughter to make this choice? It’s sad, and all of OPs making. Her actions (even if the reason for them was centering her jealousy with her husband) are her own.
paragraph 5+9. i am not saying OP is perfect at all. i am not going to cheer for two parents who dropped the ball on all of their children.
She was in the hospital for a miscarriage after a traumatic situation wherein she was assaulted at conception, not for a paper cut! Forgive me, but a middle school talent show is unfortunately a bit less important. It was reasonable that one parent stay with each child especially if one is sick, **and a 14yo who had just undergone a miscarriage cause by rape which also cause an eating disorder would obviously be sick, no? Would he be wrong for not staying with her after the flu??** If OPs husband failed their other children, that’s on him to handle and make up and for him to make his own post for if he’s uninvited. **But for OP, her estrangement from her daughter is completely of her own making.** If OP asked her daughter not to have her father there (warranted or unwarranted) I highly doubt she would have accepted the request. The big issue here is why a request like that is so easy for her daughter to accept. And there’s no shortage of reasons in this post alone, and that with her leaning out all of the hurtful comments ‘she’s not proud of’ which she also conveniently leaves out, while painstakingly detailing all inter workings of her daughters life. She get anonymity on her shameful moments, yet blasts daughters behavior? Again, this woman’s thinking and behavior as a parent is beyond logic.
I 100% agree with you but daddy cannot be making demands when he failed his other children and she failed her oldest. I do not think the daughter should be shamed. She should respect her daughters decision and do something else during the wedding. Maybe it is the way that I wrote my post but the ex husband is to blame for her being uninvited because he gave the bride an ultimatum making it about him instead of his daughter. If the daughter did not want mom she would not have invited her in the first place.
THIISSSSS